There Are 62 Responses So Far. »

1. Comment by Vanessa on 31 July 2009:

   I know my marriage is in trouble. My probem is letting go. I have read 7 ways to tell if you marriage is over. My marriage appears to fall in most of he 7 ways.

   My husband is having an affair sexual or emotional, I’m not sure, ethier way it hurts. He says that he and the woman are only friends. He things he does makes this hard to believe. We have been married 34 years and until last year I thought he loved me, but the past year has proven he doesn’t.

   My problem is he will not leave, I would like for him to stay, but he continues to break my heart with no disreguard for my feelings. I know that if he leaves I will hurt, but also know that in the end I will feel better. I will not continue to be disrespected.

   Why does he stay…he tells me he’s not in love with me. He recoiles
   to my touch, there is n sex, he says I don’t ask him the right way and my touching him hurts him when I try to get him in the mood.

   My life is Hell….What can I do.

2. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 1 August 2009:

   Vanessa, you can empower yourself by taking control of the situation! Since he won’t leave, then you’ll have to. It might be better for you to start fresh in a new place anyway, instead of staying in the old marriage home.

   Start looking through the rentals, or ask if you can stay with a family member or friend until you get back on your feet. The sooner you start making plans and exploring new possibilities, the better you’ll feel. The more you start looking for solutions and ways to get out of your marriage, the stronger and happier you’ll be.

   Call a local divorce attorney or social services agency, and get info on ending a marriage. Start taking steps that show both yourself and your husband that you’re serious about making a life change.

   I wish you all the best…..and if you’d like me to gather information and write a “Steps to Leaving Your Husband” article, I’d be happy to. Just let me know!

   Laurie

3. Comment by Kay on 8 October 2009:

   yes, please write an article “Steps to Leaving your Husband” All 7 of these fit me too. I have gone back to school, I have backed off but it is hellish living “alone” but not being free.

4. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 12 October 2009:

   Hi Kay,

   I just wrote an article called “How to Leave Your Husband” here on Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals, but now I’m not sure if it’s what you’re looking for. Now as I re-read your comment, I wonder if you’re looking for tips on rebuilding your life after a divorce?

   Click the link below to go to the article, and if it’s not what you need, feel free to let me know.

   How to Leave Your Husband

   Best wishes,
   Laurie

5. Comment by Janis G. on 9 December 2009:

   To be honest,few years ago my marriage would fall into six out of these seven categories and it was very close to divorce. Im glad to say that even from such a bleak situation,me and my partner, still managed to turn things around.

6. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 10 December 2009:

   That’s great, Janis! I’m glad you and your partner turned your marriage around….I love hearing good news, so thank you for being here

7. Comment by Melanie on 10 January 2010:

   I’m just 10 months married now and I am already in a very diffuclt situation. In the beginning our marriage was so nice and problem free. Suddenly my husband changed. He became very religious and I can’t fallow him the way he wants me. I am always thinking of leaving him but I just can’t!! As soon as he is starting to leave me the only soloution I see is to commit suicide. I know what to do, I know what is best for me. But I just can’t do it! I am really so helpless

8. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 12 January 2010:

   Dear Melanie,

   I wish you weren’t thinking that ending your life could be the answer. That’s definitely not the solution to marriage problems. Even divorce or separation is better than that!

   Tell me why you think you can’t leave him, and why you feel so helpless and hopeless. And, give me three things in your life that make you feel empowered and in control (eg, your friends? family? work? internet? religion?).

   Please don’t give up on life or your marriage…help is out there; you just have to have the faith, courage, and strength to find it!

   I encourage you to answer the questions I’ve asked, here on Quips and Tips…

   Blessings,
   Laurie

9. Comment by Ellie on 12 January 2010:

   Me and my husband were great to begin with now he just cannot be bothered with anything to do with me at all. He is all for our daughter and leaves me out completely. He is also sneaking out late at night. i still love him but this is hard to take. We have been together seven years and I’m only 26 I don’t wanna be a divorcee in my twenties!!!!! please help!!!!

10. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 13 January 2010:

    Dear Ellie,

    I’m sorry to hear about your husband, but I think that your current and future happiness is more important than whether or not you got a divorce when you were in your twenties!

    Do you think your marriage is over? Is there anything you can do to save it? Is your husband interested in rebuilding your relationship? Can you talk to him about why he is acting that way?

    You need to answer these questions — and consider talking to a counselor for help. Rebuilding a connection in marriage is definitely possible…but it takes both partners to work on it.

    I’m sorry — I wish this wasn’t happening to you. But, it is…and you need to deal with it without fear or “I don’t wanna”.

    I wish you all the best…

    Laurie

11. Comment by Zoe on 28 January 2010:

    I have been with my other half for 3 years and married for 16 months. The first year was fantastic, he was very loving, attentive, everything that a relationship is in it’s beginnings.

    I took a 6 month planned job break in feb 08 which went horribly wrong because the country went into recession. Since then I have constantly been searching for a job and doing work to our house because we were planning to move as soon as financially viable.

    The last 12 months, he has done nothing but constantly undermine, criticize and bemoan everything I do even though I am doing everything I can to get a job and the house sorted for sale. There is no affection, no sex life either.

    example: he’ll come in from work and instantly start criticizing what I have been doing all day despite the fact he is clearly able to see what I have done been doing.

    He tells me he doesn’t want sex because I do nothing all day, the house is a dump and it gets on his nerves despite the fact I do everything I can. This makes me feel like I am lower than something stuck to the bottom of his shoe.

    We argue all the time for reasons like this and when we try talking and sorting things out I get the reply “yeah, whatever” every time I answer him.

    I adore this man(I wouldn’t have married him otherwise) and really want this relationship to work but I do not know what to do. If we did separate, I’d be homeless and penniless. My mental health is getting worse( I have minor problems as a result of a head trauma several years ago, the compensation being the reason I left work, so he knows all about it) and no self esteem. I have already tried committing suicide once.

    I really do not want a divorce, I want to make this work so much, as I said I really do love this man but I do not know what to do.

    Please help me.

12. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 29 January 2010:

    Dear Zoe,

    I think you should talk to a counselor as soon as possible! Whether it’s a couples counselor or a therapist just for you doesn’t matter — but you need to reach out for in-person support.

    Your mental and emotional health won’t get better on its own, and your marriage won’t heal on its own, either! You need more help than I can give here.

    Please call a distress or mental health line, a counselor, or a local social services organization. You CAN make your life and marriage better — and you can feel happy again! But, you need to take control of your situation, and reach out for help and support.

    Will you call someone for help, and let me know how it goes? All you need to do is do a Google or other search for “help” and your city or community, and I’m sure a support number will come up. Even if it’s not the right number for you, call it anyway — they’ll be able to give you the number of someone who CAN help.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

13. Comment by Lee on 11 February 2010:

    I have been married for 16 years now and finally at my wits end with my wife. I do about 90% of the cooking, finances, cleaning, yardwork, grocery shopping, house/car maintenance, mowing, flowerbeds, helping kids with homework, etc. You get the picture. She is a slob, depressed and chooses to do nothing most of the time around the house (unless it is reading a book or playing video games—DUH!) although she does work full time and we have 2 children whom I love dearly. I am so tired of not getting the help I deserve from her. Did I mention that I worked on my Master’s degree and PhD also while working full time? She chose not to finish college and doesn’t want to go back…too much work for her I guess? I average around 100 hours per week (due to my PhD) and she works 40. Yet I get to do all the above items….I went into this marriage as a 50/50 split to share responsibilities and committments yet get very little from her at all. Have you ever fell asleep standing up, leaning over a dryer at 2 am because your partner wouldn’t do the laundry but she would read a book??? A romance novel to boot???? I have left the bathroom in our Master bedroom go uncleaned for the last 9 months to see if she would clean it….not a chance…she wiped out the sink and the toilet seat with a cleaning wipe and that was it. Amazingly it is OK with her. She doesn’t get dirty = germs which = people get sick more often. Her clothes are piled all over the room, she will walk out of the kitchen without thinking of doing the dishes or even wiping the counter after she messes it up. The new car we bought is constantly a disaster (so is our home) and she NEVER attempts to clean it, wax it or even take care of it. It is just over and over the same thing. I usually have to get up the next morning early and clean up everything prior to feeding my kids–which she won’t do most times “find yourself something to eat” is what normally comes out of her mouth. Weekends are a terror to me….she stays in bed until 9 or 10 am and watches TV most of the day…while I clean, have to work at the University, mow, shovel snow, etc. Can you believe what a completely non-caring self-centered individual she is?? This is the kind of lunacy that I have put up with for the last 16+ years and I am just so done with this. I am worried about my kids, whom I love dearly, and how this will impact them as well as the house being unfinished and not ready to sell yet – which it will most likely have to be since I sunk a large part of my assets into it for the down payment (she added none of her money for it). She is depressed but I am the one that is always to blame and I am SOOOO tired of it. Sex is infrequent if ever (have went as long as 8 months without her doing anything and we now are at 3 months and counting, once a month lately is a miracle)…We see a marriage counselor but that is just fingering pointing at me again and again and again. She tries a little to change but goes right back to her old habits very quickly. She never completes the change. What am I supposed to do and where can I find a woman who is caring, respectful, and wants a husband who will share the burden 50/50, not complain about it, is active, highly intelligent and deeply cares about a partner that they are in love with???? I am to the point that I have stopped caring about her and rarely have anything positive to say about her, to her or for her. I have lost my sex drive for her and really don’t care to have sex with her anymore. She has caused so much hurt and anxiety with her “not doing it ” attitude (I realize that this is linked to the depression also – which is permanent post partum and will most likely never get any better). I am the one with the “problem” —HUH???? OMG I will go insane if I hear that again at the counselors office. What can I do? All I want is a nice, caring, share the burden with me, wife that appreciates a good relationship and is willing to care about the family, house and us???? I apologize for the poor grammar, spelling errors and the associated but I am just so fed up with it!!!

14. Comment by Anxious and alone on 12 February 2010:

    That you for writing this article. I am a 30 yr old woman who has been in a commonlaw relationship for 10 yrs. We have 2 kids together. My significant other had an emotional/physical i dont know affair with our neighbour who is 20! I recently lost my job and sitting here in this house with that #$%&* next door is hard to take. I find i have more and more time to think about the relationship each day and i have become very self-isolating and depressed. I have contiplated suicide too often to count in the last few months. The only way i see moving on is by leaving him. I tried to leave, made arrangements for an apartment and told him I did so. He managed to beg me into staying. My life has come to a halt. I want to go back to school and become a naturopathic doctor someday. When he says he loves me i can not think of anything to say..the words are not there. He thinks this year would be a good year to get married, i told him it aint happening unless he comes clean about what happened with the “child” next door. I dont think that is going to happen anytime soon. I need to get out of this relationship before I turn into some depressed raging bitter old wife someday..

15. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 13 February 2010:

    Hi Lee,

    I’m really sorry to hear about your marriage…it doesn’t sound like it’s going great at all.

    While I can’t tell you if your marriage is over, I can tell you that if you stay with your wife, you’ll be living with her the way she is right now for the rest of your life. Your wife won’t change. You can either choose to accept her and your marriage the way it is right now, or you can make the changes you have control over.

    If you’re considering leaving your wife, I suggest talking to a lawyer. You may lose a great deal financially…and emotionally if your kids don’t go with you…but that may be better than living with such frustration, disappointment, and unhappiness.

    I wish you all the best.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

16. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 14 February 2010:

    Dear Anxious and Alone,

    Getting out of a relationship is never easy, especially after a ten year common law marriage and two kids together! I don’t know if your marriage is over, but I definitely agree that you don’t want to end up being a sad, unhappy, bitter wife.

    It sounds like your sadness and depression is related to the woman next door — and you need to listen to your heart and gut, and move away. Maybe your husband will go with you and you can rebuild your relationship, or maybe not…but you may be much happier if you’re not living next door to the woman your husband had a physical or emotional affair with.

    I also encourage you to call a local distress line or women’s help center. You need to reach out for support — and I’m so glad you reached out here! But, you need in-person support to help you figure out the best thing to do with your life right now. And, that support will help you stay committed to whatever decision you make about leaving your marriage or staying with him and working things out.

    Let me know how you’re doing — and if you called a help line!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

17. Comment by Meridia on 23 February 2010:

    I’m wondering what I’m supposed to do here. My husband of less than a year… I don’t understand him.

    When we first met and the first year of our relationship, up to the first few months of the marriage were wonderful… but as soon as we got married he stopped caring… about much of anything really. He doesn’t shower like he should and smells horrible. Doesn’t take care of most personal hygiene. Refuses to partake in housework. Refuses to leave the house for anything. Didn’t shave for a month recently. Only did it because his MOTHER told him to. I’d been getting on him for weeks about it because even not trimming it looked sloppy.. but he didn’t bother. Doesn’t care about his appearance at all. It’s like he stopped needing to make an impression once he got married.

    He’s embarrassing in public. He tries to talk to my friends(whom he never really knows too well) like they’re his best friends in the world and they want to know every iota of his daily routine, when really they get back to me and tell me he’s making an ass of himself.

    He spends most of the day on the computer playing online games. Doesn’t listen to a thing I say most of the time. When I confront him with the problem, he gets upset, cries like a two year old and then says he’ll change. Any behavioral change lasts a total of 3 days, max, then reverts. He’s terrible in bed. Won’t learn, won’t take advice on how I like things, won’t make any effort to doing ANYTHING other than what he’s used to.

    His family’s all kinda lazy and ‘slobbish’, and as a result he’s been accustomed to this over almost 40 years. I’m his first serious relationship in his life. He’s absolutely ecstatic to be with me… but I’m not happy. And he knows this. But he won’t put any effort into it.

    I’m not entirely sure how I’m supposed to deal with this. I can’t work, and supporting myself after I leave won’t be easy. /sighs

    What to do….

18. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 February 2010:

    Dear Meridia,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your new husband — it certainly doesn’t sound like a very happy, healthy marriage. I wonder if he’s depressed….was he always like that, or did he change after you got married? How long did you know him before the wedding?

    I don’t know if your marriage is over, but I know that you had a way to of supporting yourself before you married him…and I suspect you’ll find a way to support yourself if you leave your husband.

    You need to decide if you can live with your husband just the way he is for the next several decades. And, if you have children with him, you need to accept that he won’t help with them, and you’ll resent him even more.

    If you can live with him the way he is for the rest of your lives together, then you should stay. But if you don’t want this life for yourself, then you need to figure out how to support yourself and build a happy, healthy life of your own. And, be open to meeting another man one day — one who will be a true partner in marriage!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

19. Comment by Amy on 26 February 2010:

    I have been married to my husband for 8 months. We didn’t rally resolve alot of our issues before we got married. I thought once we were married and living in the same house things would change. He always thinks everyone is attacking him, when other people come up with ideas he doesn’t think of or that might be more practical. When it comes time to making major financial decisions, we will ask my parents for advice, and then when their advice is different than his but more practical and includes things we didn’t think of, or includes ways to keep us from spending unneccessary money, he flipps out. He came from a dysfunctional family, and I am very close to my parents. I have always trusted them so I seek out advice from them on things I have not experienced. My husband never could trust his parents and has a lot of unresolved issues in the ways he was raised, that he has a problem accepting advice or trusting anyone other than himself, including me. I can’t live like this. I am extremely unhappy. He has made comments on his perception on how my parents feel about him, he twists things around that we say, and makes it like we are all attacking him and out to get him, that it’s three to one, when it comes time to asking them for advice. He never follows through on anything I ask him to do at home. He can’t take care of little things in the house that are his responsiblity, and then I have to do them. He tells me he has a problem with procrastination, and he has been telling me that for 4 years since we met. He has’t changed. He is not going to change his ways of thinking when it comes time to my parents, or the way I feel about things. We always fight when it comes time to major issues. I don’t trust him, because he has lied to me and made major mistakes since I met him that keep happening. He never follow-s through on things he says, or on changes he claims he is going to make. I feel he lets me down alot. He pratically commands that I trust him. I feel trust is something that is earned. Also, my husband doesn’t go to any lengths to make me feel special. I pratically have to beg him for intimacy. I have to create the romance in our relationship, he never does. From all of this and feeling very lonely, I feel I am getting near the end of what I can deal with in this marriage. I have given him 4 years since we met to change things. He is 35 and should be a man at this point. He is telling me he needs to learn how. I can’t wait to have my needs taken care of in this marriage. Just because he diddn’t have parents like I did and didn’t have a father to learn how to be man, I don’t feel it’s my respnsibility to fix him. I am feeling worn out and that no matter what I cannot get through to him. Nothing changing, it’s just gettting worse. I feel like divorce is the only option.

20. Comment by Samarah on 7 March 2010:

    I have been with my fiancee for over three years now, and we have a 2 year old and an 8 month old. Talk about stress! I’m not really sure if our relationship is at an end, though. He left me for his high school crush (who was in a relationship at the time) while I was pregnant. We got back together when he realized how foolish that was, and promptly cheated on me with a random girl from a bar (in the backseat of his sister’s car while she was driving no less). Since then, he has made some progress, but still insists on going to strip clubs (but gets furious if he even thinks that I look at another man). He has become a much better father, but still plays video games for hours on end instead of getting a job while our rent goes unpaid and we live on food stamps. When I got a decent tax return, he used it to go buy another car instead of paying our bills. We can’t even afford to put plates on the car!!! Last night, we were changing, and his friend happened to be in the hallway when my fiancee opened the door. He got mad at ME for having my shirt off! Is this salvageable? Can I help him to grow up, or should I just give up? He does NOTHING. I work, cook, clean, change the diapers, do the laundry, and even help him with his homework. I can’t live like this anymore, but I am not financially able to leave. I feel like he makes little changes… but is that ennough?

21. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 8 March 2010:

    Dear Samarah,

    You ask if it’s enough that your fiance makes little changes…but only you can answer that! Can you live with your relationship the way it is right now? Expecting him to make big life or personality changes might be too much to ask…if you want to with him, you might have to accept him the way he is right now.

    He CAN change, but the question is WILL he change? And if he doesn’t change, can you live with him the way things are? Also — if you’re not financially able to leave your relationship, then you might have to stay put until you can afford to leave.

    I think you first need to decide if you want to continue on in this relationship the way it is right now. Then, you need to make that decision work any way you can….some women leave their marriages and rely on social services or family members for help….other women stay in less-than-perfect marriages because that’s the best option for them….but the happiest people are those who make their own choices and focus on ways to be happy no matter what…

    I wish you all the best in your relationship.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

22. Comment by Lonely wife on 12 March 2010:

    Me and my husband have been together for almost five years but we have only been married for 6 months. We have a 3 year old and a newborn together. For some reason this pregnancy that I just recently went throuh was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It seems like right when I got pregnant and right when we got married he just started going out and like always hunting all of a sudden when I needed him the most. Everything I say seems to be wrong, he gets defensive no matter what it’s like everyone is out to get him but really everyone is just trying to help him. He drinks every single day and thinks he has no problem, my daughter loves him dearly but I just think I am only staying here for her sake and I know that I should be happy too. I am not sexuall attracted to him what so ever anymore because all he ever does is drink beer and not work half the time and never helps with anything around the house. I am just so done with it all and eveyone I know thinks that I am crazy for even being here at all anymore. I am just so scared of raising two kids on my own because I just feel like I will fail them and it is not their fault that their father doesn’t want to do the right thing and that’s why I am so scared and confuse when it comes to making that final decision. Ugh it is just so hard I am in my twenties and just feel so helpless!!!!

23. Comment by Utterly Confused on 14 March 2010:

    Hello,
    I have been married for the last nine months and have been with my husband for the last nine years. I am 25 years old. Lately my husband and I have been going through some really rough times. I want to have things to do in my free time (ie sports) that is for me. He doesn’t want to be involved but also wants me home when the sun goes down. Mind you I don’t stay out all night, I am home around 8:30 from practice. It has made me come to realize we are on completly different paths for our lives. He wants children now and I don’t. He thinks people should spend their free time with an extra job or house work and I don’t. We both hold down full time jobs and I am going to school full time also. We have a home that is paid for along with both of our vehicles, so why do we need to work all the time. I want him to support and be involved my life. He said he doesn’t know if he can make me happy but he doesn’t try or do anything different, when i suggested counseling he said “he wasn’t going to do that”. I don’t know what I need to do but I know I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. Help.

24. Comment by Doesn't know what to do on 15 March 2010:

    Hi,
    I read through your article and it stands out for me amoungst the others I’ve read. My husband is a good man, doesn’t cheat, and he still loves me, but I don’t love him. We have been married for almost 2 years and together for 4. We got married when I was 18 and he was 23, so we are 20 and 25 now. I think we just got married way too young and I see that now. I felt love for him after we first started dating, but I think I was in love with the idea of him and marriage and I wasn’t actually ever in love with him. I find myself constantly asking myself “Why did I get married?” and I also find myself entertaining the idea of an affair. We have stopped being intimate. When we were intimate, I rarely felt anything. He is such a good man, and I do still care for him very much, but its not in the way a wife should care for he husband. I have no idea what to do. I try to explain to him that I am unhappy in our relationship and I no longer want the same things that I used to and it goes in one ear and out the other. He loves me very much, this I know, so I’m afraid of hurting him to the point where he will never find happiness again. Yes, I know, I’m very young, but this is one of the many things that has gone into the ruin of my marriage. Please help me. Thank you.

25. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 17 March 2010:

    Hi,

    I’m sorry to hear that you and your husband don’t connect the way you feel you should. That’s hard to handle, especially after such a short time together.

    Yes, I can understand getting married too young! You were still a teenager when you first started dating, and you may not have had the chance to figure out what you want out of your life, your career, your future…and your husband. That said, however, many couples get married young, and stay happily married for decades.

    The best route may be to figure out WHY you’re not happy with your husband. You obviously respect and care for him…but you may not be “in love” with him. The thing is, we can’t always feel those passionate love bonds! Husbands and wives can’t possibly sustain the excitement of the first blush of love. They wouldn’t be able to go to work or cope with other aspects of life. So, maybe you don’t love him as a husband right now….but, in most normal healthy marriages, those feelings come and go. Feelings of romantic love do not remain constant.

    So, you need to figure out if you’re just going through the normal ups and downs of marriage…or if you’re truly not in love with him. How do you do that? You could try individual counseling, couples therapy, or even Mort Fertel’s “alternative to therapy” (a friend of mine LOVES how Fertel coaches marriages — his ad is at the end of my article above).

    Also, your husband probably doesn’t want to hear what you’re trying to tell him, which is why it goes in one ear and out the other. A counselor would help you communicate more clearly and effectively.

    I hope this helps, and wish you all the best. Please let me know how things go!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

26. Comment by kelly on 26 March 2010:

    Well i have a question and need some help. I just left my husband who i was married to for 3 years but all together 6 years. We have one child together, He is a great dad and great to me here is the problem he will not work he has had many jobs in the past but u know something always happens. Never has he once paid for me to eat or something really nice no rent light etc… i was just fed up with it he would get mad if i bought myself something new and did not get him anything. Now i feel like i am all alone just me and my child i take care of myself and have a o.k job but get paid . I pay all my bills myself never getting any help from my husband. I looked and really cannot find someone going through my same situation.

    so did i make the best decision please help what should i do?

27. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 29 March 2010:

    Dear Kelly,

    I’m sorry to hear that you’ve left your husband…that’s so difficult, even if your marriage wasn’t good. It’s always hard to leave your spouse, no matter what led up to it. And, even if you’re glad you left your husband, there’s always some regret and sadness. It’s normal to feel bad when a relationship ends.

    I can’t tell you if you made the right decision, but I do encourage you to think of your long-term happiness (and health — because it’s stressful and unhealthy to be the sole income earner in your marriage like you were!). Keep your life and relationship goals at the forefront of your mind: do you want to live with a man like your husband for the rest of your life? Can you envision yourself supporting him and your household bills all alone — is that what you want your life to look like?

    To figure out if leaving your marriage is the right step, you really need to stay focused on your long-term happiness and life goals. The short-term sadness — and heartbreak — of leaving your marriage shouldn’t be the deciding factor, because it’s a sad event in life. Your sadness doesn’t necessarily mean you made the wrong decision.

    Live with your decision that the marriage is over for at least three months, without second-guessing yourself. Give yourself that freedom. Then, in three months, re-evaluate your life.

    I hope this helps, and that you come back and let me know how you’re doing!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

28. Comment by kerrie on 30 March 2010:

    hi

    I am 20 years old i had an arranged marriage when i was 19. i’ve been married to my husband for 10 months and never had any contact with him before marriage. the problem is we are living with his parents and i do not get along with them, they have said to me on a numerous of occassions go home. i do everythng for them cook, clean iron etc. they don’t appriciate anything i do.as for my husband he’s always away at university and i hardly get to see him he also works.

    i constantly think about leaving

    i am really not happy in this marriage but do not know what to do i also pregnant, which is why i am finding it hard to leave.

    thankyou

29. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 1 April 2010:

    Dear Kerrie,

    I’m sorry to hear about your marriage…that’s a difficult way for you and your husband to start your life together! And, hearing his parents say they want you to go home must make you feel sad and alone.

    I don’t know where you live, but one thing that helps women no matter where they are is a strong support network. Talk to the women in your life: your sister, mom, friends, neighbors, or even your husband’s family members if they’re open to you. The best way to figure out if you should leave your marriage (or just your husband’s family) is by reaching out for support in person. You might be able to stay with a friend or family member while you figure out if you should leave your marriage.

    If leaving is not an option because of your pregnancy or beliefs, then you need to figure out how to be happy in your marriage situation. I guess that means not expecting your husband’s family to change, and deciding that you want to stay married and raise your children in his parents’ home. If you can’t leave, and you can’t change your husband or his family, then you need to change yourself so you can be happy.

    Another possibility is to talk to your husband about the future. What are his plans for after university? Can you stick it out until he’s finished, and can afford to live apart from his parents?

    I wish you all the best, and hope you return to let me know how you’re doing and what you decide to do with your life.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

30. Comment by Cathy on 21 April 2010:

    Hi,

    I am seriously thinking of leaving my husband. He doesn’t speak to me, doesn’t seem to be interested in anything about me, and we have absolutely no intimate contact. In fact, he doesn’t really even touch me at all. I would have already left but we have a small child and I don’t have a full time job.
    We’ve only been married 2 years. I didn’t see that he was like this before we married since he put on a good act until we tied the knot.

    I don’t know how I can make it on my own yet financially if I leave with our little one. But I don’t see how I can live this way. Most of what he says to me are either critical remarks or orders. I am dying inside.
    P.S. I think he may have Asperger’s Syndrome. He doesn’t speak to anyone or do much of anything outside of working.
    I have tried communicating and tried many things…he only gets enraged and starts attacking me verbally. Which actually he does anyway… a lot. There is no hope for him… he thinks all of his impressions and emotions are my fault, everything is “my fault”.

    Thank you.

31. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 25 April 2010:

    Dear Cathy,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your husband — it sounds like you’re unhappy and stuck.

    Do you have any family or friends that you can stay with? Leaving your husband may be difficult, but it’s better than living a life of unhappiness! It doesn’t sound like your husband is very emotionally healthy, and an unhappy marriage is no way to raise a child.

    If you don’t have friends or family, I suggest calling a local help line. There may be resources in your area, or organizations that support women leaving their marriages.

    You don’t necessarily need to leave him…maybe you just need a trial separation. Maybe you both need some time and space to figure out what you want your marriage to be like, and to decide if you can build a happy marriage together. Maybe the prospect of divorce is what your husband needs, to snap him out of his slump! And if he does have Asperger’s, maybe the thought of losing you will encourage him to get help.

    Please reach out to people in person, and get help. You don’t need to live this way! My mom was a single mom, and was able to raise me and my sister all by herself…it was hard, but we were happy.

    Let me know how it goes…

    Blessings,
    Laurie

32. Comment by Fed up on 3 May 2010:

    hi,

    my husband and i have been married for nearly 5 years and for the past year things have been awful. he is unemployed and drinks all the time. he puts his friends and social life above what is best for us. since we have been together, he has blown all of our savings and now we are living on next to nothing. he doesn’t seem to care at all about our financial situation or how we can fix it…just wants to hang out with his friends and drink. we have two small children that i do 90% of everything for, while working, trying to take care of the house and the budget. every time i bring up our relationship and how we should work on things, he just says that we need a vacation and that we have no problems. i could talk to him until i’m blue in the face about our issues and he just brushes it off or says he doesn’t care how i feel. the thought of sex with him honestly disgusts me at this point. i am not attracted to him at all anymore. i don’t know what to do. a part of me still loves him very much but i have lost almost all respect for him. please help me figure out what to do. thank you.

33. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 4 May 2010:

    Dear Fed up,

    I’m sorry to hear about your marriage…it sounds like you’re unhappy and frustrated.

    Have you thought about individual or couples counseling? Even if your husband refuses to go, it’s a great way for you to figure out what you should do and if you can help him see how serious your marriage issues are right now. Talking to a counselor — even without your husband present — can be a great way to see things clearly and objectively. Which, in turn, can help you decide whether your marriage is over or just going through a rough stage.

    Another option is to try a trial separation. Maybe you need to show him you’re seriously unhappy by leaving him temporarily, to give you both a chance to re-evaluate your relationship. He isn’t hearing your words, so maybe you need to take action.

    You can’t force him to change — as you’ve already figured out! But, you can change your own approach and life. It requires strength and courage, but it’s better than living in frustration and unhappiness.

    I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.

    Laurie
    Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post …Pay Off Your Mortgage – 5 Ways to Make Mortgage Payments Go Away

34. Comment by Robin on 11 May 2010:

    Hello!

    I have been married for 25 years. It has been a rough one off and on for the whole time. I could give so many details but that would take forever. The gist of if it is he travels a lot and I have trust issues with him. We have not had sex in almost eight months. I have tried but get pushed away everytime, to the point I have stopped even trying. We have hardly had any relations for the past four years. We sleep in separate rooms and have for a while now. He refuses to talk about anything and when I try to bring things up he just gets upset and tells me I’m being stupid. He cannot seem to answer a yes or no question. He goes on golf trips too throughout the year and takes me nowhere. I just recently took a weekend trip for myself (while he was away for over a month himself on “business”), and he would not talk to me for over three weeks. He is home now, and we have barely said anything to each other. I have tried everything I know to do for 25 years to communicate with him, and he just won’t give me the time of day. My feelings have slowly dwindled, and I still am hoping for a “miracle,” but I cannot do it all myself. I’m tired of having just a room mate. I feel like am a second mother to him. All he has to do is go to work, watch TV, and play golf three to four times a week. Any suggestions on how to get him to talk about things and tell me why he refuses to be intaimate with me and what might be going on with him? I just can’t take it anymore.

35. Comment by ben on 12 May 2010:

    i have mostly not been there for my wife since we got married about 2 years back.It is also because we know each other for a decade that i took her for granted.I physically hurt her a few times & am repenting it now.
    A few months back i got to know that she is in love with another man who is 10 years elder to her & is a divorcee himself.He is at the same time living in with another woman.

    I really want to make our marriage work and i’m doing and will do all it takes to save it.My wife in the meantime is saying that she wants to move out to get her peace of mind & sanity back,she says she wants to do away with all the negatives she has in her mind about me and says i’m irreplaceable.I found out that she told the other man via msg that she is counting her days & looking forward to spending her life with him.
    I think that the other man is just having fun & because of my absence at points in her life when even my family has not been there for her, he has had a major negative influence & is just having fun coz he has just taken advantage of the entire situation.
    If I let my wife go alone do you think it will help the problem or is she too far gone to come back??

36. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 13 May 2010:

    Hi Robin,

    It sounds like your marriage has been over for a long time…and if you’ve been trying everything you can to communicate with him for 25 years with no success, then I don’t think I can offer any quick relationship tips that would be helpful!

    I encourage you to talk to a counselor. You could go to a marriage counselor on your own — but I think it’s more important to focus on why you’ve stayed in this loveless marriage for so long. It seems like neither you nor your spouse is willing to be the one to end the relationship….but neither can you connect or rebuild your marriage.

    Talk to a therapist, and get as much insight into your own motives and personality as you can. Then, you’ll be in a better position to figure out what steps to take in your marriage…and whether your relationship is over or just in a long, dry spell!

    I wish you all the best, and hope you return to let me know how things are going…

    Laurie
    Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post …Money Skills – Tips for Teaching Financial Literacy to Kids

37. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 13 May 2010:

    Hi Ben,

    I think that if you convince your wife to stay despite her wish to take some time and space, you run the risk of losing her. That is, if she stays despite her desire to leave your marriage, she may always wonder if she did the right thing.

    But, if you let her go — and give her the time and space she needs — you may be strengthening your marriage in the long run. She MAY come back to you, and may prove the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” cliche.

    I’m not saying that giving her time and space will save your marriage, but I do believe that we (spouses) need to give each other time, space, encouragement, and support to grow and get healthy.

    I don’t know, but maybe your wife needs to break away to find herself. Maybe, if you support her decisions with love, respect, compassion, and generosity — and make sure she knows that you want your marriage to work, and you’ll be there for her should she decide to return — she’ll come back to you refreshed and ready to recommit to your marriage.

    This is just food for thought…of course, you need to follow your heart and gut.

    I wish you all the best, and hope you return to let me know how things progress.

    Laurie
    Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post …Money Skills – Tips for Teaching Financial Literacy to Kids

38. Comment by josie on 20 May 2010:

    Me and my husband are best friends/soulmates. We have been married for 16 years and talk about things all the time. To my horror a few weeks ago i found out that he did not go on the business trip that he told me he was going on, he checked into a hotel and spent a couple of nights on his own, he worked during the day, to think about his future. He did not expect me to find out, he wanted to look at his life to see if he needed to change anything in it, life’s too short and all that. You can imagine i was mortified and have found it really hard to believe him now, i feel i am constantly checking up on him, asking him questions. He goes out once a week with his friends and comes in at 2am, i have asked him if there is anyone else and he says no, why do i jump to that conclusion he says. We have been really good friends and confidents but the love life has not been really there for years now, i have talked to him about it and he said that if both of us are happy about the lack of sex then that is fine. To be honest, i lost my mojo years ago too, only occasionally i feel like it, if i initiate sex, he never turns me away but he never initiates it ever himself. How long do i carry on with the questions/mistrust etc? It is tearing me apart, i feel like i am obsessed with where he is and who he is with, he knows i am upset about it but still goes out regardless. We do go out as a couple on other nights too.

39. Comment by Virginia on 21 May 2010:

    My husband and I have known each other for 20 years, and been married for the past 8. We have two adorable children who we both cherish. Since having the kids though, 5 years ago, our marriage has become unbearable. My husband has been through serious issues which led to depression, and has to his own belief, now dealt with the issues. During the time of his issues, he had two incidents, at least that I know about, with other women, and over the past 8 years with his behaviour, my trust has been stripped away and I am left with no trust in him whatsoever. He now continues to tell me he wants the marriage and he is in love with me, but I find it hard to believe when after 2 years of trying to work things out, we are still no further along than when we hit rock bottom 2 years ago. He continues to be thoughtless, and my anger and emotions hit sky high every time he stuffs up. I know I should be forgiving, but I find it harder and harder these days. I have told him I hate him and that I want him out. I cannot ever see a loving future between us, and I hate the kids seeing me this way. Also our intimacy has completely gone out the window. We have not been intimate in almost 3 years. It’s so depressing. Although I want the marriage ended, I can’t help thinking “Would I be so angry and upset and emotional, if I no longer cared?” Any advice on whether I should give him a go for the thousandth time, or just cut my losses and run?

40. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 23 May 2010:

    Hi Josie,

    I don’t know if your marriage is over, but I think you and your husband could use some objective help. Sometimes relationships need guidance that can’t come from their own perspective.

    Maybe you need to figure out why you lost your mojo, and where your love has gone. Maybe your husband needs to figure out why he felt the need to check into the hotel by himself and think about his life. Honestly, one of the best ways to explore these types of issues is to talk to a marriage counselor. Even if you don’t go together as husband and wife, it might be helpful to go yourself.

    I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.

    Laurie
    Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post …Best Ways to Save Money on Summer Holidays – 7 Travel Tips

41. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 23 May 2010:

    Hi Virginia,

    I think I’d say the same thing to you as I did to Josie! Talking to a counselor is one of the best ways to discern if your marriage is over, or if you can give it one more try.

    Also, it’s very normal to feel emotional, angry, and upset — even if your marriage really is over and even if you don’t really love your husband anymore. You’ll need to grieve the end of your marriage — and the end of that chapter of life for you and your kids. That’s sad and painful, even if ending the marriage is the right thing to do.

    I wish you all the best, and encourage you to talk to a professional in person to get solid guidance.

    Blessings,
    Laurie
    Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post …Best Ways to Save Money on Summer Holidays – 7 Travel Tips

42. Comment by Zena on 24 May 2010:

    Hi,

    My husband and I have been living together for fourteen years and married for the last five years. We have a lovely, happy three year old son together who we both love very much. Looking at the surface of things we should be a happy couple – that is what everybody thinks. We have always had this way with eachother, a matched humour I guess – unfortunately its not enogh to bond the tears between us anymore.

    Our relationship started on a very shaky grounds. When we met we were both in relationships – mine wasn’t serious and I ended it immediately. He, however, was living with a woman who he’d been with for (I forget but maybe 5-8 years) and whom he had a son with. Had I met him now I’d have backed off but I was 16 and admit that I didn’t much think of the other woman – he told me that the relationship was practically over anyway, that they were always splitting up. So I believed him when he said that he had split up with her. He in fact had just told her that he wanted to get his own place for a while, but didn’t end the relationship. We moved in togehter; he went away almost every night to say goodnight to his son – me feeling like a homewrecker never questioned that. She turned up one day and the truth came out. Both she and I were devastated – I told him it was over. He begged me not to leave. We had (and still have) a very strong, profound spiritual connection so I stayed. He told me how his son had problems and that his commonlaw wife had major depression and he couldn’t bring himself to leave them so, in my naive young way, I agreed to him staying with her until she was strong enough to be without him – telling myself that we were soulmates and this was just how it was fated to be. Five years passed with me living behind closed curtains for the first half of them – and even then it only ended because the poor woman found out about us. Luckily she was strong enough … Very strong enough to deal with it. I have huge regret – not just because I disrespected myself but also because I disrespected her (although I did think of her, and feel so much guilt the whole time, I was always assured this was the best was to do things – I still belive that he genuinely thought that it was, his intentions were to not hurt her).

    During that time I suspected many times that he was also seeing other women. I found snippits of evidence and I almost left him a few times but he always had an explanation for what I’d found and swore he was telling the truth. He would even get angry that I would accuse him. I told myself that even if there was no proof, next time there was even a whisper of something dodgy I would leave. Everything seemed ok for a couple of years so we got married. I thought I would be more secure with him once we got married, and then we had a baby and I started to feel even more like things were going right … until that familiar feeling that something was wrong returned … followed by a new secret password on his computer and a constantly locked shed. I KNEW something was wrong but I couldn’t find any evidence. When I demanded him to unlock the shed or remove the password he got furious and said that I was in the wrong to snoop. I remembered my vow to myself but now I had a son to think about.

    I kept telling him that I Knew something, if not an affair, was up. He finally admitted that there was something wrong and he didnt understand it. He explained that he loved me, he still believed we were soulmates but for some reason he wasn’t content. He insisted it was not my fault and there was no other woman. He felt he needed some time to discover himself as he’d never lived alone. Having lived with him since the age of 16 I thought maybe space was what we both needed and I agreed for him to go travelling. He had always been drawn to a particular country and its culture so I suggested he to go there. He was hoping I’d suggest that, I think he even leaned the conversation that way … just as I suspected from the moment he left, there was another woman waiting out there for him – he moved straight in with her and pretended he was staying with a male business client he had befriended. I eventually got the truth from him and he explained that he’d met her a few months before moving to that country. She was the reason for the passwords, etc. He said he couldn’t keep away from her – it was like some unexplained spiritual thing. They weren’t matched, he didn’t much like her as a person, and (I know this sounds pompous but) she is less attractive than me and not at all his type. He said that she had told him that she felt the same unexplained attraction to him. He said that when he moved in with her he knew what a mistake he’d made but (same old story) she had psychological issues (I’ve read her blog and can confirm this as she talks about her mental problems on there) and he felt an obligation to do things properly.
    Apparently she thought he’d ended our relationship (sounds familiar – I think I am getting my ‘what goes around comes around’).

    He swears that being with this woman who is mean to him and apparently not a very nice person has made him realise what he has. He says that maybe she is the reason he hasn’t been able to settle with me properly, like its some karmic thing. He promised and swore that he would change and that we could atlast be a happy family.

    At last (six months after my son and I moved here) he’s left her but we are far from a happy family. He expects things to click back into place. He wants us to watch porn and have the crazy fun all night sex we used to … that seems to be all he wants! He refuses to throw away possesions he’s gathered since living with her (mainly clothes which are totally out of character to who he used to be). I tell him they upset me and he shouts me down, getting really angry, and tells me that she wasnt even with him when he bought them. He is being really insensitive towards my feelings. I have had to be the one to lean, compromise and sacrifice through our whole relationship and he cant even sacrifice some possessions. I know, from reading her blogs and things that he admitted, that he used to bend over backwards for her. I ask him to do a few favours and he says I’m demanding and gets angry. He constantly tells me he loves me and that we’re soulmates and he tries to be affectionate with me (though I’m becoming less and less responsive to this). But his actions tell a different story. I’m off sex with him – I still do it but nowhere near the standards we are used to, at times I feel sick. I dont love him anymore but when he says he loves me I say it back because when I’ve tried to end it with him or discuss our problems I get just anger or empty promises and my mind cant cope with that again. Through all this torment I have been in states of nervous hysteria. I have harmed myself and wished myself dead (although I didn’t contemplate suicide because of my son and a belief that I am worth a shot at life). So after this very, very long story I’ll get to the point. I realise that I have to leave him. Like I said, I’ve tried to several times over the last six months. But he begs me. He tells me that all we’ve been though cant be in vain … at last we can be happy. He tells me he will be dead inside without me. He threatened to close our business (he wont sell it even though it’s worth while finacially – he’d be ‘in no fit state to deal with it’). He said he’d move back to the UK and that I wont be able to stay here because I wont get any benefits and wont be get any financial support from the government and I wont get a job because of the language barrier – he knows how much I like it in this new country, and how good it is for our son who is really settling in well here – he is using this as leverage. I am in unfamiliar territory and, although I have made good friends here, I feel very alone. My family are a short plane journey away but I’ve never caught a plane alone – I am Not At All independant, as I’ve always depended on him and allowed him to make the decisions (mainly because he would shout me down if I tried to do otherwise). I am also feeling so much guilt about what I am taking away from my son – I always wanted him to have a normal happy family. And I feel guilty that I’m taking my husband’s son out of his life – I will always give him as much access as he wants (and he knows that) but I know that not saying good night to him eveynight will cut him up. So much guilt, so much self doubt … and I feel so so tired and weak. I dont have it in me to confront him again but I cant stay.

    I’m really sorry about the novel. I guess I need to see a counselor and offload on them instead of the internet!

43. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 28 May 2010:

    Hi Zena,

    No problem about the novel — you have alot to get off your chest! I think seeing a counselor, or even trying couples counseling, is a great idea. A counselor can help you untangle your marriage, give you insight, and even give you strength to leave.

    Ending a marriage is so difficult, even when it’s not the best relationship. And when your husband is being emotionally manipulative, it makes it even worse!

    I hope you find ways to be strong, and find a counselor you can talk to. Please feel free to come back anytime, and let me know how things are going…

    Blessings,
    Laurie

44. Comment by Susan on 5 June 2010:

    Hi – Ive been married for 2 years and 3 months. My husband is 5 years younger than me and im 41 years. I came into the marriage with a daughter who is now 7 years.

    In the first year, we had serious adjustment problems to living together, and had serious fights, but strangely they ended up in vicious sex to the point that we both joked about fighting in order to enjoy the sex even more.

    In the 2nd year, things were nearly perfect! My husband stopped opposing what i do and say and was very supportive, the sex increased most of it being started by him. Fights were a thing of the past, however, when i brought up the idea of having his child, he became defensive and said he was not ready. Now he is 35 and im 41 years old…. so time is not on our side.

    He has a passion for his job though it doesnt pay much. He has issued in his past life to do with his dad, though he doesnt tell me much about them, and i wonder why he holds them bitterly as his father became a devoted christian 10 years ago. you would think that the past would be a faded memory.

    Now – last year about 7 months ago, i found he was flirting alot on face book. I talked to him very politely trying to understand why he flirts and asks women whether they can cook him lunch, which for me signals looking for a sex partner, although 2 of my male friends (my daughters father included), say that he is not sleeping with any of the women and is just flirting.

    Now early this year (feb) he was car jacked with a girl who called me to tell me my husband is in danger and wanted to know if i was at home. By the time she called , i had already beeen alerted. The girl insinuated that my husband comes to see her and usually does – made me wonder why she would tell me this instead of telling me where they were jacked so that a car tracking company cou8ld recover him faster. When my best man tried to talk to her to get details, she refused to talk to him (kept quiet),

    THe following day, my father in law wanted to talk to her to find out more about the incident, and when she asked – how did you get my number, he said – well i got it from my daughter in law.

    She had agreed to meet with him, but 10 minutes later, she sent me an sms asking – why are you sending your father in law to me, do you think im your husband’s lover, girlfriend or what? Leave me alone. She is 25 yrs.

    Now – hubsands parents told me to ignore her, but i asked my husband to ask her never to call me. As i felt disrespected by her even though i was pleasant to her the day she called and did not even question or get her to think i suspected /noted anything, i asked hubby to ensure she never called me again.

    Aparently before the jacking, a girlfriend of mine had been told that she was very curious about my relationsihp with my hubby saying that my husband spoke frequently about me and how he respects me and how hubby values “my” car , etc etc.

    Thereafter, i found that my hubby had made some fond comment aobut her photo on face book – and i asked him to remove the comment and remove her from his face book page. That was 3 months ago. todate, he has not returned her to his list of friends (been monitoring allnew friends (as he/she could use a fake email address) and her email address to see if she changed her name to be in touch with him. Interestingly, after the jacking,she removed my hubby from her face book page, he asked to be put backk and then i asked him to remove her from this list or our marriage is over. He agreed to remove her though reluctanly.

    One day when i went to a meeting (which my husband knew i was coming for), i found that she was outside our club at the time i was expected. When she saw me – she tried to hide her face and i told her -if you know what is good for you, you will leave (husband’s name) alone. She asked – sorry – who are you, and then i identified myself by name and said i was his wife.

    She immediately run away, and my husband asked her not to leave, but she couldnt listen. So he decided to follow her, and i got out of the car to follow him and at that point, he turned back and said – im leaving you and im leaving you tonight!?? so i asked are you leaving me for her.. he said yes.

    So when i got to the club function, i decided to leave without informing him. I got home and he called me 10 times before i could answer. By the time i answered, he asked me where i was (the party was a large one) and i said i was home.

    Now – as the function ended at 2am and he had not come home at 4;00am i left the house and went to where he was – found him with his boyfriend, he asked me to sit on his laps, and i declined.

    Thereafter, i drove of in the car that he was driving (mine) and left my 2nd car right next to where he had packed.

    He came home despite saying he was leaving me and kknocked on my door for 30 minutes around 10 am as he had slep in the sitting room

    Obviously i was mad about the disrepect and didnt want to hear what he had to say although i feel now that i should have listened to him.

    He never left, but therafter started withdrawing his participation in the marriage. Our sex has never been an issue, and in fact its been great, but he stopped buying the bread, stopped eating for 2 weeks, would get upset when i wash his clothes, and i couldnt understand what was going on, as he invited me to join him out of town for 2 nights as we went to watch some games that were going on for 2 days, though most people were spending one night.

    He started spending more time in the sitting roomm and one day i got anoid and said – either you get into the bedroom or you leave – choose a single life or married. That night i took his keys, and called my father the following morning. After my dad talked to both of us – hubby said to him – there is no problem with your daugheer and we will work on the marriage.

    After 30 minutes of saying that – he said – i will fix your car and come for my things (sent an sms). I had refused him to leave in the moring when he packed and said he needed to fix my car (had gotten a hit and run but hit it before we travelled out of town), and had said he would fix it but a week had gone since the 1st time he said he would fix it.

    Now – im a quick decsion maker who has contacts and does things quickly – so thats why i wnated him to fix the car before he left coz he would take 2 months or so to do it and i didnt want to be left waiting.

    In hindsight, i know that picking the car from him and not telling him at 5;00am anoid him, though he had done the same telling me that he was leaving me that night.

    Now he has been away for 1.5 months. .. he says he has given up, its over, and though he was to come for his clothes 2 weeks after he left, he delayed by 1 month, and when i asked if he was still coming for them – he was hostile and said- listen – im busy, im looking for a car, ive asked you to move on our relationship is over.

    When i meet him – he buys my friend and i a drink, and even asks me if i have written in the condolence book as his team mate has died.

    Now what im wondering is – why is he hot and cold, why is he packing his stuff and not taking all his clothes. He packed most of what i bought him, but left some saying that they cant fit where he is staying.

    Why is he mad that the best man and his wife know about our current problems, yet he talked to the best man who talked to his wife, who talked to me,… what is the issue if i understand that that girl has not been seen at our club since she ran off the road?

    Is it really over? How can i tell?

    If i can back up a bit, he proposed to me in 4 weeks flat, and we were married in 6 months, didnt go through the counselling that was required, he seemed not to know much about marriage, and me , best man and his mom were not sure that he was ready to go through the marriage, but he convinced us that he is ready and wants to marry me.

    He told me me and him would NEVER break up, when in good times, he always introduces me proudly to his friends as his wife…

    When i keep quiet during the separation period,… he smseses and asks me whether i still have “that photo of his”.. i reply saying i have many and ask whether its the passport or other photo that he wants, he says passport and i send it….

    but when 1 week later i sms to ask him to arrange complimentary tickets for a show that he usually invites me for, he doesnt respond for 6 hours, and when i call he tells me – well – i asked for my tickets yesterday, and today his sister was not working.. and i ask myself – how come i respond immediately and he doesnt???

    Why is he complaining aobut the best man knowing aobut us, yet that is part of his role?

    What is his real problem??? and what can i do if anything.?? He wont go for counselling, and i kicked him out in november coz he was arrogant about the flirting on face book not sorry though he said he was not cheating on me physically, and didnt understand why i believed him? and at that time, we smsed each other regularly. He was in touch at 1am, 4 am, 5am talking about general things and not us. Said he was very hurt that i kicked him out. I apologised next day and said lets try again, he came back in 2.5 years.

    This time – i havent kicked him out, we hadnt had a big quarrel the day before, but he has been very quiet, and sounds like he has given up , but gives mixed signals ( i think) coz what would you want a passport photo for if you want nothing to do with me?

    Okay -when he left 2nd time, i was hurt and told him – I am seeing someone else, but i wasnt and clarified this one week later.

    Sorry aobut the mouthful of detail, but i thought it would be best if you knew quite a bit! Thanks.

    He mostly says when he will be out, picks most of my phone calls and when he misses them apologises fo missing them even though i wasnt initially calling.. Has a problem with me being close to his mom and dad, he tried to blame me for disrespecting his dad, just because his dad asked me not to travel out of town with him because i had met him with that girl and he said he was leaving me and i replied – hey – im not married to your dad.

    okay – over to you!

45. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 7 June 2010:

    Dear Susan,

    I’m not sure why your husband is acting this way, and it sounds like your marriage has been challenging from the very beginning! I think that’s why marriage counselors (and regular people) encourage couples not only to do premarital counseling, but also to date for at least a year — without discussing marriage, kids, or your future together.

    But that doesn’t help you now, does it!

    I encourage you to talk to a counselor. You don’t need your husband to agree to go to couples counseling for you to get emotionally healthy! A counselor will help you sort out all the questions and miscommunications and problems you’re having…and he or she will help you see what direction you should go in. A counselor can also help you see your husband’s personality more clearly, which can help you decide if your marriage is truly over, or if there’s hope that you can save it.

    You might also try reading books about marriage and communication, or taking a marriage course together or separately. My husband and I took a nonviolent communication class together, and it really helped us! It was sort of like counseling, but not quite….and it may be something your husband is more agreeable to.

    I hope this helps a little — I’m sorry I can’t tell you what your husband is thinking or why he does what he does. Your marriage is too complicated and there’s too much going on for me to start shooting off my mouth! That’s why an in-person counselor — or even an online counselor like Mort Fertel — would be so helpful to you.

    I wish you all the best, and hope you and your husband find the right type of help.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

46. Comment by Sophia on 17 June 2010:

    Hi There,

    I am in need of guidance, please. My husband and I are fall almost under all of the seven items. We have been married almost five years and together seven years. Our relationship has always been a little shaky. When things are good, they are really good, but when they are bad, they are really bad!

    Over the years, several bad things have happened in our relationship, which I believe have enabled me more to feel the way that I currently feel. I went from this nice caring person, to bitter, numb and not really caring anymore like I once did.

    I have come to terms with the fact that we have grown apart and are on two totally different pages. I feel like I love him, but at times that I am not in love him anymore and can barely tolerate him. This is not fair to him or me.

    I know this is not good and have recently been really considering a separation. I don’t think he would ever leave, so I know it would be up to me to make the move. Thank god, we do not have children, but we do have a house, dogs and have built a life together.

    The issue I have been really struggling with is how he will take me leaving mentally and physically. He has told me in the past that he has thought of committing suicide. I later found out that he told me this to get a reaction out me. In addition to that, he has a certain disease and stress causes it to flare up. I am afraid when I make this move, it will cause him to really hit rock bottom.

    I know I cannot base my happiness and decision on how he will take it, but I can’t seem to get past feeling guilty and worrying about what will happen to him.

    I am hoping to get some good advice.

    Thanks so much!

47. Comment by Wendyy on 17 June 2010:

    So, I got married at 18yrs. Right befor my husband join we got married. I am the worst wife ever. Cheated on my husband twice, and in love with the other. Thing is I dont know what to do anymore. I want to go but the guilt.. He doesnt want to let me go. I seriously don’t know what to do, or even what is the first step. I am so pathetic. I told him the first time UI cheated on him which was last summer, he beggged me to stay. Whats wrong with me?
    I dont know what to do.
    Any advice?

48. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 19 June 2010:

    Dear Sophia,

    It’s a healthy, loving thing to be concerned for your husband’s health and well-being — especially if you’re wondering if your marriage is over and thinking of leaving him! You care for him a great deal, and you don’t want to hurt him.

    Two things occurred to me while reading your story. One is that you have to remember that your husband is a man, not a little boy. You need to let go of the need to take care of him. He’s not your child, and he will deal with your leaving the best way he knows how. You can’t control how he’ll cope — and it’s not your job to make life as smooth as possible for him! Your job is to make the best decision for you and your marriage. And sometimes the best decisions are the most painful.

    The second thing that occurred to me is that you may be making excuses to stay where you are. Sometimes we’re afraid to make big changes in our lives, or tackle big confrontations with people, so we revert to “protecting” them….when we’re really just protecting ourselves. I don’t know if this is what you’re doing, but it is something to be aware of.

    Finally, there may be no easy way to end your relationship — or no easy way to save your marriage. That is, whether you decide to stay or go, it will be difficult. That sounds so morbid! I’m sorry, but you’ll have to face difficult and negative emotions regardless if you stay or go.

    So, I encourage you to make the best decision you can, with a long-term perspective in mind. Realize that no matter what you decide, you will have to work through uncomfortable and painful feelings….but you need to focus on where you want to be in six months or a year.

    I hope this helps, and wish you all the best. Let me know how things go!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

49. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 19 June 2010:

    Dear Wendy,

    I’m sorry to hear how bad you feel about yourself. Maybe that’s why you cheated on your husband: feeling bad about yourself is part of who you are, so you keep doing things that make you feel bad about yourself. Maybe you’re most comfortable when you’re beating yourself up for the things you do.

    I don’t know if your marriage is over, or if you should try to save your relationship. But, I do know that counseling can be the best answer, the most helpful thing couples can do. Actually, I’m a big fan of individual counseling, not just marriage counseling.

    I think you need to figure out why you cheated on your husband, and why you feel so bad about yourself. And, your husband needs to figure out why he’s willing to stay married no matter what you do! Once you both gain some insight into your own persoanlities and choices, then you can focus on whether it’s time to end the relationship or save your marriage.

    I hope this helps — I’m sorry there aren’t any easy answers!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

50. Comment by sarah on 22 June 2010:

    hi, I am like a lot of the others that i read here: stuck. confused. not sure what to do. my husband and I have been married for 10 months, and almost as soon as the ring was on my finger – our relationship changed. We dated for a year and a half before marrying – his second marriage, and my first.
    I knew going in that he was jealous – but was sure that it would be something I could live with – he wasn’t over the top, but then that’s exactly what it became. I’ve been accused of flirting, hitting on little 19 year old boys (I’m 38) and having affairs with men I work with, trying to seduce our pastor, etc – I have tried to reassure him, confessed my love for him, and reconfirmed that I was committed to this relationship…but it has spiralled. it’s become abusive – not in the physical sense – but emotional and mental. I have called him names and thrown things, and so has he. We are in counseling and have learned about ‘time-outs’ and the four horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) and I have sincerely been trying to show him and our relationship respect (although I have gotten frustrated and hurt, and called him an a$$$hole through tears, and hung up). He can be very mean to me, and it hurts. I have tried and tried, prayed and prayed – been rebuked, sneered at and ridiculed for turning to supportive friends for guidance. I even see my own counselor, but he doesn’t like that.
    Through our marriage, he kept his own place, had taken the set of keys he had given me at the time of our wedding (it’s where our best man and his girlfriend stayed) and didn’t return them to me. He would stay out all night, not call, not come home – and when he did,he’d come home and drink – complain about me and our lack of sex…after our first counseling, he gave me a set of keys back…which I rejected, and shouldn’t have, but i am so full of anger and resentment…and still am. He moved out of the house (which I bought before the marriage) on May 10, but still has things in the house. He comes over and lets himself in when he wants (I have asked that he call beforehand)…and I have asked for the space to learn to let go of the anger and to forgive him, and miss him… but he won’t give me that space – and when we spend any time together, we end up fighting.
    my questions? how can i continue to waffle? how do you know when it’s truly over? when you feel like you’ve failed, when you’re not sure if there’s anything left to save? and when your son (my son lives with me – is planning to move out, but has made it very clear that he hates the man I married – not because of my husband’s treatment of him, but because of the way my son has seen and heard my husband treat me) despises your husband? how do you forgive and move past?

    Blessings to you – your comments and your site is much appreciated.

51. Comment by Whitney on 24 June 2010:

    Laurie,

    I recently told my husband of a little over a year (we’ve been togehter 5 years total and have a 2 year old together) that I wanted a seperation. I’m not happy with our marriage and I havn’t been for a long time I don’t believe we should ever have gotten married but at the same time I love him and I’m so scared that I will change my mind. I work full time, go to school full time and take care of our daughter most of the time while he works at a restuarant as a server about 20-25 hours a week making little to know money (and he’s 6 years older). I’m tired of not only carrying the financial burden but of nothing being good enough. Nothing I do seems to be right for him I don’t clean or cook enough. We also are barely ever itimate I’m in my early 20′s and would like to have regular intercourse with my husband and it’s gotten to the point where I feel like I have to beg him to be with me and even when we are he acts like it’s a treat. I’m so scared that somehow he will talk me into staying with him (b/c he can not support himself), but on the other hand he is the father of my child and I don’t want to abandon him to be homeless (he has no family here). I just don’t know where to draw the line? When does it become him taking advantage of me? and how do I prevent him from talking me into staying especially when I KNOW that it would be bad?

52. Comment by Mandy on 28 June 2010:

    Hi i have been married now for 10 years I was married at 19 My husband and I have 2 great children but that seems like the only thing we have in common anymore. It seems like all we do is fight. I know I love him but not sure if it is a love of a spouse or more like a love of a brother. He works supports me and the girls he doesn’t cheat but has the most awful attitude anymore I don’t know if I want to leave or try and work it out sometimes I feel like i wish he would not come home for work Please help I am so confused

53. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 29 June 2010:

    Dear Sarah,

    I’m sorry it took so long for me to respond — I’ve just moved to a new home, and have been swamped with house stuff!

    I’ve given you four questions to think about in a blog post (my response was too long for this comments section!).

    Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay – Help for Failing Marriages

    I hope it helps, and that you find the strength and courage to do what you think is best for you, your husband, and your son. And remember: the best decision isn’t necessariliy the easiest one!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

54. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 29 June 2010:

    Dear Whitney,

    Again, sorry for the delay! It doesn’t sound like your dilemma is about whether your marriage is over…it’s more about staying strong enough to stick with your decision to leave.

    I wrote this for you:

    How to Stick to Your Decision to Leave Your Marriage

    Let me know if it answers your questions — it’s all about getting and staying strong! One of my favorite topics.

    I wish you all the best, and hope the article helps.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

55. Comment by heather on 8 July 2010:

    Hi
    I have been married for five years, with my husband for twelve years. I’m not really sure if we should stay together or not. Last year I left him for three months then came back and now he says “he is just waiting for me to leave again”. We have been having the same fights for 12 years. They are- I don’t clean the house the way he thinks I should and I don’t have sex with him enough. I am not happy in our marriage but I feel like I’m stuck. We have a 10 year old and twin 3 years olds, I don’t have a job or a place to go. I have no friends and I can’t stay with my mom(she has her own issues). Everything inside me is screaming that in order for me to be happy I have to get away from this marriage, but I feel like I can’t. I’m scared that I will not be able to take care of my kids. I am also afraid that he won’t let me take the kids. He has never been physically abusive but recently when we start arguing he threatens that he will get violent with me, so now I’m scared of that too. I feel like I keep coming up with reasons not to leave. I know that it will be hard but how do you leave someone and keep your sanity at the same time?

56. Comment by wilna on 10 July 2010:

    hi Lauri,

    Thanks for the comments, i see that i am not alone..

    My husband commited suicide in 2000 and left me and our 2 boys (then 6 and 7) without any policies or any financial help. I were single for 5 years and met my current husband which i married 13 days later. We were married shortly when i fell pregnant – our beautiful girl is now 5 and my sons 16 and 17.

    I am my new husbands 4th wife. He has a handicapped son that lives with us, the son is now 28 years old, he is agressive and my husbands feeling of guilt means that he has to go out of his way all the time to give his son a normal life, he runs around like crazy to make him happy, i am therefore a very close second in his life, not first. When we got married i had no idea that things would turn out like they are, i love my husband and i am sure that he loves me. Problem is, we have almost no signs that we are married. I have slept alone in our bed for the last 6 years, he has to sleep with his son for security (medical) purposes. We do not share a dinner table and we seldom do things together, when we do have a chance to talk, he will fall asleep on the couch. We differ 18 years, i understand that he is tired, i also work and are tired too. My husband does not like my oldest son and to the degree that i had to move my son to live with my sister. I feel like all the dreams of love and intimacy of family will never be a reality for me again. I am very lonely and my heart breaks for my son and rebellious things that he starting to do. I have never used anything as escape and recently found that a few glasses of wine each night helps to dimm all the emotion.. we are bringing the ugliest out of each other, i some days don’t even recognise myself and are starting to believe my husbands bad words against me, and then he brings me tea every morning, he never skip, no matter how bad the fight was. We mostly fight about how he treat or speak to my boys. Our daughter are in the middle of this all, she does not deserve this. We have talked about divorce and then he threatens to take our daughter, and then the next morning he brings me tea again. This has been going on forever. Please advise on what you think i should do?

57. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 13 July 2010:

    Dear Heather,

    I’m sorry to hear about your marriage — you sound frustrated, sad, and stuck. My heart goes out to you, especially since you have kids whose needs must also be met!

    The first thing you need to do is build a support network of friends and strong women who can help you. I know it’s not easy, but you need to reach out and connect with other women. Pay attention to your kids’ friends’ parents, your neighbors, the women in your exercise class or at the park. Take a deep breath, screw up your courage, and talk to them. Invite them for coffee or a play date.

    Second, call a women’s support line. I don’t know what resources exist in your area, but many cities and towns can offer some type of support. You need to find out what your rights are, what your husband’s rights are (with regards to the kids). It’s important to protect yourself!

    Taking actions like these will help you feel empowered, which will help you decide if your marraige is over or if you and your husband need to work at it.

    And, here’s an article that will help if you decide to end your marriage:

    How to Leave Your Husband

    I hope this helps, and wish you all the best. Let me know how you’re doing!

    Laurie

58. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 13 July 2010:

    Wilna,

    I’m sorry to hear about your marriage — like you said, it’s not a real marriage at all. And, it’s negatively affecting your emotional and mental health, which isn’t good!

    I just wrote a reply to Heather up above, and I want you to read it as if I was writing it to you. You need to gather a strong in-person support network, and find out what resources you can tap into.

    Second, you might consider leaving our husband on a trial basis. Move out, give yourself and him a chance to figure out if your marriage is over. The time and distance might do you both good. Sometimes it’s difficutl to see what big life decision we should make when were in the thick of it all…but stepping out of our marriages through a separation can bring clarity and objectivity. And, that clarity can help you know if it’s time to end your relationship.

    And, read How to Leave Your Husband — it might help you prepare (or maybe it’ll help you decide to stay and make your marriage work somehow)!

    Let me know how things go….I hope this helps.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

59. Comment by Lynn on 14 July 2010:

    Hi Laurie,
    I see you are on this page frequently, so I thought I would ask you for help here. I wrote a lengthy comment on the page dealing with difficult parents, and I desperately need some help or advice. I don’t know what to do…it’s going to ruin my marriage and/or my life soon. Please read it and see if you can help me at all. I would greatly appreciate any insight you may have. I’m desperate!!!

    Thank you,
    Lynn

60. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 16 July 2010:

    Hi Lynn,

    I’ve read your comment and answered your question on that article:

    How to Cope With Difficult Parents – for Adult Children

    Best wishes,
    Laurie
    Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post …How Do I Confront My Overbearing Parents – for Grown Children

61. Comment by kelly on 23 July 2010:

    my hubby and i have been together 2years but out of the two we have only been married for a year. we started out as friends becaues i have 2 older children. then after we got married long come our newborn and then thats when i started to see the long hrs he put in at work and than the change to myself and my 2 older children .he and myslef don’t speack much anymore to one another or look at one another like we did before. his attiued to my children have changed. need help understanding what to do or how to feel about this.
    thank u kell

62. Comment by Brigitte on 28 July 2010:

    I’m 24 years old and I have been married to my 25 year old husband for 5 and a half years now. We were rushed into our marriage (by means of baby-making) but really were in love in the beginning.

    This sounds just like everyone else, things were good, then changed to bad…He doesn’t cheat on me, or hang out with his friends too much – as a matter of fact he stays right here almost 24 hours a day. We have 3 kids, which is why I haven’t left to date. If we were to split up he would move back near his family which is 8 hours away – a little hard for my kids.

    I try my best to fix our problems, I’ve been trying to change my behaviors to make things better, but it’s a one way street. He refuses to acknowledge that there is anything wrong with him – he’s just perfect. His ignoring of me, lack of sexual activity, never leaving the home together unless it’s to drop the kids at daycare has driven to the edge and over it! I’ve been in various counseling sessions – not that any of that worked. I have also read the ‘How to leave your husband.’ article, it makes sense, and sounds so easy – but clearly it isn’t. No money, no place to go, and the kids?

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