Is My Marriage Over? 7 Ways to Tell if Your Spouse is Ending the Relationship
“In my work doing marriage coaching, I have noticed that very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom,” says marriage coach Mort Fertel, who offers an alternative to marriage counseling (see the end of this article for details). “It’s not until they’ve been through the worst that things start to get better.”
If you’re still going through the worst, you might find Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship helpful. And, here are seven ways to tell if your marriage is over…
7 Ways to Tell if Your Spouse is Ending the Relationship
Remember our marriage coach Mort Fertel’s words: just because you’re struggling with problems in your relationship, doesn’t mean your marriage is headed for divorce court! The following issues may represent the end of one stage of your marriage….and may herald the beginning of a new, healthier chapter of life.
1. Your partner can’t see reality. If your spouse doesn’t understand how his actions are affecting you – and even worse, refuses to compromise – then your marriage will be difficult to rebuild. To rise from rock bottom, both partners have to see how their actions or inactions are affecting the relationship – and both partners have to be willing to work on it. If your spouse refuses to accept responsibility, then you have to decide if you want to stay in your marriage the way it is…or end it.
2. Your spouse sees reality, but doesn’t care. You can communicate until you’re blue in the face, but if your partner doesn’t care how you feel or whether the relationship is healthy, then your marriage may be over. Marriage coach Mort Fertel says, “Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that they don’t care what their spouse thinks or feels. They “got it,” but “it” doesn’t matter to them anymore.” Communication is secondary to caring.
3. You don’t connect with your spouse. When you first got married, you probably felt understood, heard, and connected with your partner. Time passes, and the stress of daily life and kids and jobs and money and house all take a toll…and you find that you’re not connecting anymore. This doesn’t mean your marriage is over – it just means you need to make the time and effort to reconnect. Read 10 Ways to Improve a Bad Relationship for tips on improving your relationship.
4. You have different visions of your future. He wants a four million dollar home on oceanfront property; you want to live in a cottage in the country. He wants six children; you’d rather be childfree. He wants his mom and aunt to live with you in his four million dollar home; you can barely tolerate Christmas dinner together. To keep your marriage together, you need to agree on your vision as a couple or family – and put each other first (and your financial goals, parents, or careers second).
5. You’re not physically intimate. This may not be a sure way to tell if your marriage is over — it depends on your physical and mental health – but if you have no love life to speak of, then you probably aren’t connecting on an intimate emotional and physical level. The less you connect, the less healthy your relationship is…and the more likely your spouse is ending the relationship.
6. You fight the “wrong” way. If you can’t focus on the topic of your argument, opting instead to bring up past mistakes or reopen old wounds, then your marriage may be leaning towards “over.” The more past conflicts come into current arguments, the less healthy your marriage is. This may not be a certain way to tell if your marriage is over, because it’s actually fairly easily remedied if both spouses are willing.
7. You partner cheats on you. Many couples survive marital infidelity, and even have a stronger bond because of the cheating. Other couples split up right away, while other marriage limp along for years or decades…and the cheating partner remains unfaithful. Cheating in and of itself isn’t necessarily a way to tell if your marriage is over…it’s how the partners act after the infidelity that determines if they’ll stay together.
If you have any thoughts or questions on these ways to tell if your marriage is over, I welcome your comments below…
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Comment by Vanessa on 31 July 2009:
I know my marriage is in trouble. My probem is letting go. I have read 7 ways to tell if you marriage is over. My marriage appears to fall in most of he 7 ways.
My husband is having an affair sexual or emotional, I’m not sure, ethier way it hurts. He says that he and the woman are only friends. He things he does makes this hard to believe. We have been married 34 years and until last year I thought he loved me, but the past year has proven he doesn’t.
My problem is he will not leave, I would like for him to stay, but he continues to break my heart with no disreguard for my feelings. I know that if he leaves I will hurt, but also know that in the end I will feel better. I will not continue to be disrespected.
Why does he stay…he tells me he’s not in love with me. He recoiles
to my touch, there is n sex, he says I don’t ask him the right way and my touching him hurts him when I try to get him in the mood.
My life is Hell….What can I do.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 1 August 2009:
Vanessa, you can empower yourself by taking control of the situation! Since he won’t leave, then you’ll have to. It might be better for you to start fresh in a new place anyway, instead of staying in the old marriage home.
Start looking through the rentals, or ask if you can stay with a family member or friend until you get back on your feet. The sooner you start making plans and exploring new possibilities, the better you’ll feel. The more you start looking for solutions and ways to get out of your marriage, the stronger and happier you’ll be.
Call a local divorce attorney or social services agency, and get info on ending a marriage. Start taking steps that show both yourself and your husband that you’re serious about making a life change.
I wish you all the best…..and if you’d like me to gather information and write a “Steps to Leaving Your Husband” article, I’d be happy to. Just let me know!
Laurie
Comment by Kay on 8 October 2009:
yes, please write an article “Steps to Leaving your Husband” All 7 of these fit me too. I have gone back to school, I have backed off but it is hellish living “alone” but not being free.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 12 October 2009:
Hi Kay,
I just wrote an article called “How to Leave Your Husband” here on Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals, but now I’m not sure if it’s what you’re looking for. Now as I re-read your comment, I wonder if you’re looking for tips on rebuilding your life after a divorce?
Click the link below to go to the article, and if it’s not what you need, feel free to let me know.
How to Leave Your Husband
Best wishes,
Laurie
Comment by Janis G. on 9 December 2009:
To be honest,few years ago my marriage would fall into six out of these seven categories and it was very close to divorce. Im glad to say that even from such a bleak situation,me and my partner, still managed to turn things around.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 10 December 2009:
That’s great, Janis! I’m glad you and your partner turned your marriage around….I love hearing good news, so thank you for being here
Comment by Melanie on 10 January 2010:
I’m just 10 months married now and I am already in a very diffuclt situation. In the beginning our marriage was so nice and problem free. Suddenly my husband changed. He became very religious and I can’t fallow him the way he wants me. I am always thinking of leaving him but I just can’t!! As soon as he is starting to leave me the only soloution I see is to commit suicide. I know what to do, I know what is best for me. But I just can’t do it! I am really so helpless
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 12 January 2010:
Dear Melanie,
I wish you weren’t thinking that ending your life could be the answer. That’s definitely not the solution to marriage problems. Even divorce or separation is better than that!
Tell me why you think you can’t leave him, and why you feel so helpless and hopeless. And, give me three things in your life that make you feel empowered and in control (eg, your friends? family? work? internet? religion?).
Please don’t give up on life or your marriage…help is out there; you just have to have the faith, courage, and strength to find it!
I encourage you to answer the questions I’ve asked, here on Quips and Tips…
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Ellie on 12 January 2010:
Me and my husband were great to begin with now he just cannot be bothered with anything to do with me at all. He is all for our daughter and leaves me out completely. He is also sneaking out late at night. i still love him but this is hard to take. We have been together seven years and I’m only 26 I don’t wanna be a divorcee in my twenties!!!!! please help!!!!
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 13 January 2010:
Dear Ellie,
I’m sorry to hear about your husband, but I think that your current and future happiness is more important than whether or not you got a divorce when you were in your twenties!
Do you think your marriage is over? Is there anything you can do to save it? Is your husband interested in rebuilding your relationship? Can you talk to him about why he is acting that way?
You need to answer these questions — and consider talking to a counselor for help. Rebuilding a connection in marriage is definitely possible…but it takes both partners to work on it.
I’m sorry — I wish this wasn’t happening to you. But, it is…and you need to deal with it without fear or “I don’t wanna”.
I wish you all the best…
Laurie
Comment by Zoe on 28 January 2010:
I have been with my other half for 3 years and married for 16 months. The first year was fantastic, he was very loving, attentive, everything that a relationship is in it’s beginnings.
I took a 6 month planned job break in feb 08 which went horribly wrong because the country went into recession. Since then I have constantly been searching for a job and doing work to our house because we were planning to move as soon as financially viable.
The last 12 months, he has done nothing but constantly undermine, criticize and bemoan everything I do even though I am doing everything I can to get a job and the house sorted for sale. There is no affection, no sex life either.
example: he’ll come in from work and instantly start criticizing what I have been doing all day despite the fact he is clearly able to see what I have done been doing.
He tells me he doesn’t want sex because I do nothing all day, the house is a dump and it gets on his nerves despite the fact I do everything I can. This makes me feel like I am lower than something stuck to the bottom of his shoe.
We argue all the time for reasons like this and when we try talking and sorting things out I get the reply “yeah, whatever” every time I answer him.
I adore this man(I wouldn’t have married him otherwise) and really want this relationship to work but I do not know what to do. If we did separate, I’d be homeless and penniless. My mental health is getting worse( I have minor problems as a result of a head trauma several years ago, the compensation being the reason I left work, so he knows all about it) and no self esteem. I have already tried committing suicide once.
I really do not want a divorce, I want to make this work so much, as I said I really do love this man but I do not know what to do.
Please help me.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 29 January 2010:
Dear Zoe,
I think you should talk to a counselor as soon as possible! Whether it’s a couples counselor or a therapist just for you doesn’t matter — but you need to reach out for in-person support.
Your mental and emotional health won’t get better on its own, and your marriage won’t heal on its own, either! You need more help than I can give here.
Please call a distress or mental health line, a counselor, or a local social services organization. You CAN make your life and marriage better — and you can feel happy again! But, you need to take control of your situation, and reach out for help and support.
Will you call someone for help, and let me know how it goes? All you need to do is do a Google or other search for “help” and your city or community, and I’m sure a support number will come up. Even if it’s not the right number for you, call it anyway — they’ll be able to give you the number of someone who CAN help.
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Lee on 11 February 2010:
I have been married for 16 years now and finally at my wits end with my wife. I do about 90% of the cooking, finances, cleaning, yardwork, grocery shopping, house/car maintenance, mowing, flowerbeds, helping kids with homework, etc. You get the picture. She is a slob, depressed and chooses to do nothing most of the time around the house (unless it is reading a book or playing video games—DUH!) although she does work full time and we have 2 children whom I love dearly. I am so tired of not getting the help I deserve from her. Did I mention that I worked on my Master’s degree and PhD also while working full time? She chose not to finish college and doesn’t want to go back…too much work for her I guess? I average around 100 hours per week (due to my PhD) and she works 40. Yet I get to do all the above items….I went into this marriage as a 50/50 split to share responsibilities and committments yet get very little from her at all. Have you ever fell asleep standing up, leaning over a dryer at 2 am because your partner wouldn’t do the laundry but she would read a book??? A romance novel to boot???? I have left the bathroom in our Master bedroom go uncleaned for the last 9 months to see if she would clean it….not a chance…she wiped out the sink and the toilet seat with a cleaning wipe and that was it. Amazingly it is OK with her. She doesn’t get dirty = germs which = people get sick more often. Her clothes are piled all over the room, she will walk out of the kitchen without thinking of doing the dishes or even wiping the counter after she messes it up. The new car we bought is constantly a disaster (so is our home) and she NEVER attempts to clean it, wax it or even take care of it. It is just over and over the same thing. I usually have to get up the next morning early and clean up everything prior to feeding my kids–which she won’t do most times “find yourself something to eat” is what normally comes out of her mouth. Weekends are a terror to me….she stays in bed until 9 or 10 am and watches TV most of the day…while I clean, have to work at the University, mow, shovel snow, etc. Can you believe what a completely non-caring self-centered individual she is?? This is the kind of lunacy that I have put up with for the last 16+ years and I am just so done with this. I am worried about my kids, whom I love dearly, and how this will impact them as well as the house being unfinished and not ready to sell yet – which it will most likely have to be since I sunk a large part of my assets into it for the down payment (she added none of her money for it). She is depressed but I am the one that is always to blame and I am SOOOO tired of it. Sex is infrequent if ever (have went as long as 8 months without her doing anything and we now are at 3 months and counting, once a month lately is a miracle)…We see a marriage counselor but that is just fingering pointing at me again and again and again. She tries a little to change but goes right back to her old habits very quickly. She never completes the change. What am I supposed to do and where can I find a woman who is caring, respectful, and wants a husband who will share the burden 50/50, not complain about it, is active, highly intelligent and deeply cares about a partner that they are in love with???? I am to the point that I have stopped caring about her and rarely have anything positive to say about her, to her or for her. I have lost my sex drive for her and really don’t care to have sex with her anymore. She has caused so much hurt and anxiety with her “not doing it ” attitude (I realize that this is linked to the depression also – which is permanent post partum and will most likely never get any better). I am the one with the “problem” —HUH???? OMG I will go insane if I hear that again at the counselors office. What can I do? All I want is a nice, caring, share the burden with me, wife that appreciates a good relationship and is willing to care about the family, house and us???? I apologize for the poor grammar, spelling errors and the associated but I am just so fed up with it!!!
Comment by Anxious and alone on 12 February 2010:
That you for writing this article. I am a 30 yr old woman who has been in a commonlaw relationship for 10 yrs. We have 2 kids together. My significant other had an emotional/physical i dont know affair with our neighbour who is 20! I recently lost my job and sitting here in this house with that #$%&* next door is hard to take. I find i have more and more time to think about the relationship each day and i have become very self-isolating and depressed. I have contiplated suicide too often to count in the last few months. The only way i see moving on is by leaving him. I tried to leave, made arrangements for an apartment and told him I did so. He managed to beg me into staying. My life has come to a halt. I want to go back to school and become a naturopathic doctor someday. When he says he loves me i can not think of anything to say..the words are not there. He thinks this year would be a good year to get married, i told him it aint happening unless he comes clean about what happened with the “child” next door. I dont think that is going to happen anytime soon. I need to get out of this relationship before I turn into some depressed raging bitter old wife someday..
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 13 February 2010:
Hi Lee,
I’m really sorry to hear about your marriage…it doesn’t sound like it’s going great at all.
While I can’t tell you if your marriage is over, I can tell you that if you stay with your wife, you’ll be living with her the way she is right now for the rest of your life. Your wife won’t change. You can either choose to accept her and your marriage the way it is right now, or you can make the changes you have control over.
If you’re considering leaving your wife, I suggest talking to a lawyer. You may lose a great deal financially…and emotionally if your kids don’t go with you…but that may be better than living with such frustration, disappointment, and unhappiness.
I wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 14 February 2010:
Dear Anxious and Alone,
Getting out of a relationship is never easy, especially after a ten year common law marriage and two kids together! I don’t know if your marriage is over, but I definitely agree that you don’t want to end up being a sad, unhappy, bitter wife.
It sounds like your sadness and depression is related to the woman next door — and you need to listen to your heart and gut, and move away. Maybe your husband will go with you and you can rebuild your relationship, or maybe not…but you may be much happier if you’re not living next door to the woman your husband had a physical or emotional affair with.
I also encourage you to call a local distress line or women’s help center. You need to reach out for support — and I’m so glad you reached out here! But, you need in-person support to help you figure out the best thing to do with your life right now. And, that support will help you stay committed to whatever decision you make about leaving your marriage or staying with him and working things out.
Let me know how you’re doing — and if you called a help line!
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Meridia on 23 February 2010:
I’m wondering what I’m supposed to do here. My husband of less than a year… I don’t understand him.
When we first met and the first year of our relationship, up to the first few months of the marriage were wonderful… but as soon as we got married he stopped caring… about much of anything really. He doesn’t shower like he should and smells horrible. Doesn’t take care of most personal hygiene. Refuses to partake in housework. Refuses to leave the house for anything. Didn’t shave for a month recently. Only did it because his MOTHER told him to. I’d been getting on him for weeks about it because even not trimming it looked sloppy.. but he didn’t bother. Doesn’t care about his appearance at all. It’s like he stopped needing to make an impression once he got married.
He’s embarrassing in public. He tries to talk to my friends(whom he never really knows too well) like they’re his best friends in the world and they want to know every iota of his daily routine, when really they get back to me and tell me he’s making an ass of himself.
He spends most of the day on the computer playing online games. Doesn’t listen to a thing I say most of the time. When I confront him with the problem, he gets upset, cries like a two year old and then says he’ll change. Any behavioral change lasts a total of 3 days, max, then reverts. He’s terrible in bed. Won’t learn, won’t take advice on how I like things, won’t make any effort to doing ANYTHING other than what he’s used to.
His family’s all kinda lazy and ’slobbish’, and as a result he’s been accustomed to this over almost 40 years. I’m his first serious relationship in his life. He’s absolutely ecstatic to be with me… but I’m not happy. And he knows this. But he won’t put any effort into it.
I’m not entirely sure how I’m supposed to deal with this. I can’t work, and supporting myself after I leave won’t be easy. /sighs
What to do….
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 February 2010:
Dear Meridia,
I’m so sorry to hear about your new husband — it certainly doesn’t sound like a very happy, healthy marriage. I wonder if he’s depressed….was he always like that, or did he change after you got married? How long did you know him before the wedding?
I don’t know if your marriage is over, but I know that you had a way to of supporting yourself before you married him…and I suspect you’ll find a way to support yourself if you leave your husband.
You need to decide if you can live with your husband just the way he is for the next several decades. And, if you have children with him, you need to accept that he won’t help with them, and you’ll resent him even more.
If you can live with him the way he is for the rest of your lives together, then you should stay. But if you don’t want this life for yourself, then you need to figure out how to support yourself and build a happy, healthy life of your own. And, be open to meeting another man one day — one who will be a true partner in marriage!
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Amy on 26 February 2010:
I have been married to my husband for 8 months. We didn’t rally resolve alot of our issues before we got married. I thought once we were married and living in the same house things would change. He always thinks everyone is attacking him, when other people come up with ideas he doesn’t think of or that might be more practical. When it comes time to making major financial decisions, we will ask my parents for advice, and then when their advice is different than his but more practical and includes things we didn’t think of, or includes ways to keep us from spending unneccessary money, he flipps out. He came from a dysfunctional family, and I am very close to my parents. I have always trusted them so I seek out advice from them on things I have not experienced. My husband never could trust his parents and has a lot of unresolved issues in the ways he was raised, that he has a problem accepting advice or trusting anyone other than himself, including me. I can’t live like this. I am extremely unhappy. He has made comments on his perception on how my parents feel about him, he twists things around that we say, and makes it like we are all attacking him and out to get him, that it’s three to one, when it comes time to asking them for advice. He never follows through on anything I ask him to do at home. He can’t take care of little things in the house that are his responsiblity, and then I have to do them. He tells me he has a problem with procrastination, and he has been telling me that for 4 years since we met. He has’t changed. He is not going to change his ways of thinking when it comes time to my parents, or the way I feel about things. We always fight when it comes time to major issues. I don’t trust him, because he has lied to me and made major mistakes since I met him that keep happening. He never follow-s through on things he says, or on changes he claims he is going to make. I feel he lets me down alot. He pratically commands that I trust him. I feel trust is something that is earned. Also, my husband doesn’t go to any lengths to make me feel special. I pratically have to beg him for intimacy. I have to create the romance in our relationship, he never does. From all of this and feeling very lonely, I feel I am getting near the end of what I can deal with in this marriage. I have given him 4 years since we met to change things. He is 35 and should be a man at this point. He is telling me he needs to learn how. I can’t wait to have my needs taken care of in this marriage. Just because he diddn’t have parents like I did and didn’t have a father to learn how to be man, I don’t feel it’s my respnsibility to fix him. I am feeling worn out and that no matter what I cannot get through to him. Nothing changing, it’s just gettting worse. I feel like divorce is the only option.
Comment by Samarah on 7 March 2010:
I have been with my fiancee for over three years now, and we have a 2 year old and an 8 month old. Talk about stress! I’m not really sure if our relationship is at an end, though. He left me for his high school crush (who was in a relationship at the time) while I was pregnant. We got back together when he realized how foolish that was, and promptly cheated on me with a random girl from a bar (in the backseat of his sister’s car while she was driving no less). Since then, he has made some progress, but still insists on going to strip clubs (but gets furious if he even thinks that I look at another man). He has become a much better father, but still plays video games for hours on end instead of getting a job while our rent goes unpaid and we live on food stamps. When I got a decent tax return, he used it to go buy another car instead of paying our bills. We can’t even afford to put plates on the car!!! Last night, we were changing, and his friend happened to be in the hallway when my fiancee opened the door. He got mad at ME for having my shirt off! Is this salvageable? Can I help him to grow up, or should I just give up? He does NOTHING. I work, cook, clean, change the diapers, do the laundry, and even help him with his homework. I can’t live like this anymore, but I am not financially able to leave. I feel like he makes little changes… but is that ennough?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 8 March 2010:
Dear Samarah,
You ask if it’s enough that your fiance makes little changes…but only you can answer that! Can you live with your relationship the way it is right now? Expecting him to make big life or personality changes might be too much to ask…if you want to with him, you might have to accept him the way he is right now.
He CAN change, but the question is WILL he change? And if he doesn’t change, can you live with him the way things are? Also — if you’re not financially able to leave your relationship, then you might have to stay put until you can afford to leave.
I think you first need to decide if you want to continue on in this relationship the way it is right now. Then, you need to make that decision work any way you can….some women leave their marriages and rely on social services or family members for help….other women stay in less-than-perfect marriages because that’s the best option for them….but the happiest people are those who make their own choices and focus on ways to be happy no matter what…
I wish you all the best in your relationship.
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Lonely wife on 12 March 2010:
Me and my husband have been together for almost five years but we have only been married for 6 months. We have a 3 year old and a newborn together. For some reason this pregnancy that I just recently went throuh was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It seems like right when I got pregnant and right when we got married he just started going out and like always hunting all of a sudden when I needed him the most. Everything I say seems to be wrong, he gets defensive no matter what it’s like everyone is out to get him but really everyone is just trying to help him. He drinks every single day and thinks he has no problem, my daughter loves him dearly but I just think I am only staying here for her sake and I know that I should be happy too. I am not sexuall attracted to him what so ever anymore because all he ever does is drink beer and not work half the time and never helps with anything around the house. I am just so done with it all and eveyone I know thinks that I am crazy for even being here at all anymore. I am just so scared of raising two kids on my own because I just feel like I will fail them and it is not their fault that their father doesn’t want to do the right thing and that’s why I am so scared and confuse when it comes to making that final decision. Ugh it is just so hard I am in my twenties and just feel so helpless!!!!
Comment by Utterly Confused on 14 March 2010:
Hello,
I have been married for the last nine months and have been with my husband for the last nine years. I am 25 years old. Lately my husband and I have been going through some really rough times. I want to have things to do in my free time (ie sports) that is for me. He doesn’t want to be involved but also wants me home when the sun goes down. Mind you I don’t stay out all night, I am home around 8:30 from practice. It has made me come to realize we are on completly different paths for our lives. He wants children now and I don’t. He thinks people should spend their free time with an extra job or house work and I don’t. We both hold down full time jobs and I am going to school full time also. We have a home that is paid for along with both of our vehicles, so why do we need to work all the time. I want him to support and be involved my life. He said he doesn’t know if he can make me happy but he doesn’t try or do anything different, when i suggested counseling he said “he wasn’t going to do that”. I don’t know what I need to do but I know I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. Help.
Comment by Doesn't know what to do on 15 March 2010:
Hi,
I read through your article and it stands out for me amoungst the others I’ve read. My husband is a good man, doesn’t cheat, and he still loves me, but I don’t love him. We have been married for almost 2 years and together for 4. We got married when I was 18 and he was 23, so we are 20 and 25 now. I think we just got married way too young and I see that now. I felt love for him after we first started dating, but I think I was in love with the idea of him and marriage and I wasn’t actually ever in love with him. I find myself constantly asking myself “Why did I get married?” and I also find myself entertaining the idea of an affair. We have stopped being intimate. When we were intimate, I rarely felt anything. He is such a good man, and I do still care for him very much, but its not in the way a wife should care for he husband. I have no idea what to do. I try to explain to him that I am unhappy in our relationship and I no longer want the same things that I used to and it goes in one ear and out the other. He loves me very much, this I know, so I’m afraid of hurting him to the point where he will never find happiness again. Yes, I know, I’m very young, but this is one of the many things that has gone into the ruin of my marriage. Please help me. Thank you.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 17 March 2010:
Hi,
I’m sorry to hear that you and your husband don’t connect the way you feel you should. That’s hard to handle, especially after such a short time together.
Yes, I can understand getting married too young! You were still a teenager when you first started dating, and you may not have had the chance to figure out what you want out of your life, your career, your future…and your husband. That said, however, many couples get married young, and stay happily married for decades.
The best route may be to figure out WHY you’re not happy with your husband. You obviously respect and care for him…but you may not be “in love” with him. The thing is, we can’t always feel those passionate love bonds! Husbands and wives can’t possibly sustain the excitement of the first blush of love. They wouldn’t be able to go to work or cope with other aspects of life. So, maybe you don’t love him as a husband right now….but, in most normal healthy marriages, those feelings come and go. Feelings of romantic love do not remain constant.
So, you need to figure out if you’re just going through the normal ups and downs of marriage…or if you’re truly not in love with him. How do you do that? You could try individual counseling, couples therapy, or even Mort Fertel’s “alternative to therapy” (a friend of mine LOVES how Fertel coaches marriages — his ad is at the end of my article above).
Also, your husband probably doesn’t want to hear what you’re trying to tell him, which is why it goes in one ear and out the other. A counselor would help you communicate more clearly and effectively.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best. Please let me know how things go!
Blessings,
Laurie