How to Trust Your Husband After an Affair – Reuniting With an Unfaithful Spouse
Before the tips, a quip:
“More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” ~ Doug Larson.
If you’re dealing with the worst of your marriage (infidelity, money problems or debt, illness, etc), remember that your relationship with your spouse could actually get better. For help rebuilding your marriage, click After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. And, read on for my tips on saving your marriage after infidelity.
How to Trust Your Husband After an Affair
Use your husband’s physical or emotional infidelity as an opportunity to build a better marriage and take care of the things you were avoiding or letting languish.
Mourn the loss of your marriage as it was. Your marriage will never be the same after infidelity, and it’s important to grieve that loss. You will never be the same – and either will your spouse. It’s the end of one chapter of your marriage…and the beginning of another – possibly healthier and happier – stage.
Remember that rebuilding trust takes time. It’s very difficult to trust a spouse who cheated because infidelity shakes the entire foundation of your marriage. If you can accept and commit to the long, challenging process of rebuilding your marriage, your relationship stands a better chance of succeeding.
Take responsibility for your role. It’s important to remember that in most cases of infidelity, both spouses carry some responsibility. I’m not defending unfaithful husbands or wives; you might want to read Why Men Cheat for an explanation of how both spouses contribute to broken relationships. To rebuild marriage trust, you need to accept your own culpability, because most affairs happen because of problems in the relationship.
Understand why the affair occurred. Take a step back and try to understand why your husband cheated from his perspective. What was he seeking? Healing and rebuilding trust involves seeing the reasons for your spouse’s behavior, and then figuring out what you can do to save your marriage and make your relationship better.
Practice self-forgiveness. Be kind to yourself; you did the best you could in your marriage, with your spouse, and with your children. Infidelity may trigger feelings of guilt or shame – even in the spouse that wasn’t unfaithful. To rebuild trust, you need to forgive yourself for real or perceived mistakes.
Practice forgiving your spouse. Forgiving a betrayal isn’t a one-time thing. Forgiveness is a process that you may have to go through several times a day, week, or month! If your husband’s behavior doesn’t change – if he’s still unfaithful or deceptive – then you won’t be able to forgive him. And if you can’t forgive him, then you won’t be able to rebuild marriage trust.
Tell your husband what you need from him. To reunite with him, what do you need from him? Do you need time apart? Proof that the affair is over? Regular phone calls throughout the day to reassure you that he’s where he says he will be? Figuring out and sharing what you need from your husband can help rebuild trust because it gives you some control. To make sure the control you’re taking is healthy, I encourage you to…
Make an appointment with a marriage counselor. If you want to save your marriage, consider seeking couples therapy so you can work out your issues together. A marriage counselor who has professional experience with infidelity can help you reunite and rebuild. If you’re dealing with anxiety, depression, or stress because of the infidelity (or other life issues), consider going for individual therapy first or simultaneously.
If you want to get back together with your ex, you might find The Magic of Making Up helpful.
And if you have questions or thoughts on trusting your spouse after an affair, please comment below…
Comment by Char on 6 December 2009:
My husband started to travel for work about 2 years ago. Shortly into his travels (to Mexico) he met a woman whom worked in the reataurant at the hotel he stayed at. He is gone for usually 3 weeks at a time before coming home again. I have been given very limited information but from what I have been told, they became “friends”. He would see and talk to her every day while eating. After being there 3 months she took him sigh seeing. I was shown pictures of this EXCEPT the 2 that her in them. I found the pictures of her in his computer bag several months later. When I asked about him carrying pictures of a woman I had never seen I was told just a guide. He was going to give them to her if he ever saw her again. To make a very long story short, I became nore and more suspicious becasue he seemed less interested in us and when I questioned him it was always just him saying that I was paranoid and I had a problem with insecurity and I was jealous and that I needed to get over it. He had moved on to another part of Mexico for a job that was about 5 or 6 hours from the first job. A year after he started the first job he was on his computer a lot even on our vacation and was distant with me. I questioned him and again it was my jealousy and my problem. A few months later while I was clearing up my files on my computer I checked his kodak gallery to see what pictures he had saved so I didn’t save the same ones and found that every piture he had taken of every thing that had happened in our life (personal and his work) had been e-mailed to this woman. All EXCEPT any that had me in them. I wondered why? When I hinted around about him sending pictures to people and if he sent his friends all out pictures from vacation he said of course. I said even pictures of me to your friends in Mexico and again was told yes. I knew he had not. One night I finally told him I knew he had been e-mailing a woman in Mexico had been telling her and sharing with her every aspect of his life. He denied it over and over. He looked into my eyes and lied. I told him I had proof of it and would show him. He finally said yes, that there was a woman that he sent pictures to and that he had lied to me about it. When asked why he said he didn’t know. After a huge fight and many hours of discussion I was told he lied to her and told her he was not married. When I asked why, again I don’t know was his answer. He said I will never forgive him and our marriage won’t work. But he also says he didn’t tell me all this becasue he was worried that I would leave him and that it would hurt me to know the truth. Why did he not stop all this if he knew it would hurt me. He let it go on for alnost 2 years. I feel like 2 years of our life was a lie. He was almost living 2 lives – one with me when he was here and one with her thru e-mail where he was “single”. He and I sat down at his computer and he e-mailed her and told her he was married and that he had lied. He says he has not heard anything from her since then and he has not contacted her. It has been about 5 /6 weeks since he did that. He told her he wanted her to know the truth so he could move forward with his life with me. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT is the TRUTH about my life with him and what is a LIE. He seems to be trying with us but how to I know for sure? How do I ever believe anything about him again?
Comment by Bonnie on 6 December 2009:
FORGIVE and move forward
Comment by tipsofrelationship on 11 December 2009:
Working on saving a marriage is a daunting task. Not to mention the stress of dealing with the distance between you and your partner as well as dealing with the emotional aspects of everyone involved.
Comment by m magid on 13 December 2009:
How trivial traits may derail even the most beautiful of relationships is subtle and unexpected. The results, however, may be explosive and catastrophic. This scenario is not uncommon; it is endemic to our modern society. As a family physician, I see the consequences and regrets daily. The question is how can couples avoid what they really do not want?
Perhaps, the best way to prevent infidelity would be to step into the future and look back. This is of course impossible, but seeing people allow their relationships to slip away and remain with their regrets, I undertook writing a novel to elucidate this very problem. So many couples will be able to identify themselves and hopefully gain insight into their own lives and avoid disaster.
Mannie Magid
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 13 December 2009:
Dear Char,
I’m sorry to hear that your husband lied to you for two years…that’s a devastating thing to find out about someone you love and trust — and who is supposed to love and trust you!
Trusting your husband after an affair is a long, gradual, and even painful process. I think the key to reuniting with an unfaithful spouse is to figure out why he cheated in the first place. What was he looking for, that he couldn’t or wouldn’t get from you? Once you figure out the root of the problem, it can make the process of rebuilding trust easier.
A marriage counselor would be very helpful in both figuring out why your husband cheated, as well as finding ways to reconnect as husband and wife. Even reading books about infidelity can be helpful — if you read them together, with equal commitment to rebuilding your marriage.
I’m sorry this happened, Char…and I wish you all the best.
Laurie
Comment by Angela on 19 December 2009:
hello, I recently found out my husband has been having a text message relationship with another woman for the last four months. I have rarely questioned his fidelity or loyalty to me therefore, didn’t feel the need to be constantly looking at his cell phone or monitoring his facebook for possible “transgressions.” However, there was a slip up on his and her part and i read an facebook message with a salutation “hey handsome” and closing “night, baby” so enough said on that. Clearly there’s an inappropriate connection. he actually made me aware of this message and said it was meant for his friend and not for him. He only told me because he was out of town and knew he left his laptop email up so i investigated.
The story wasn’t matching, i kept questioning. He insisted he thought the woman was unattractive, etc. After a solid week of investigating and of the little voice in head nagging at me saying, this is not right, i finally found my proof…an email in his sent telling her not to message him there, etc. Even after this, he continued to downplay this as a “friendship” and of course the cell phone/text bill revealed the friendship to be more of an obsession and led to my own obsession….for which i have eaten very little in the last few days and can’t seem to have a moment of silence without my head swirling. I found the text messages have been daily for the last four months. There were 6 calls made to the number from his cell but of course there are other phones out there.
he admits the relationship with her was wrong and yes, there was flirtation but that it was “innocent” and that the talk between them was never about our marriage. The amount and times of the text messages were painful to look at, from waking to right before bed, on my birthday, day of leaving & returning from our vacation. PAINFUL, needless to say.
WHAT DO I DO NOW? I want to know everything and if I could get a copy of their text messages I could. Oh yeah, I talked to the woman as well and she too insists it was simply a friendship and that they had seen each other in social situations but never alone. She apologized for her words but said not for her actions… but what loyalty does she have to me? it was apparent that she cares for him (in her friendship way). I”M SO ANGRY! and i don’t know how we’re going to get over this.
Now he seems annoyed by my incessant questioning of the relationship…he says that he’s admitted he’s wrong, he’s ended the friendship, it wasn’t worth it, and that he loves me. So that is all he needs to say according to him. He also feels since nothing physical happened that it wasn’t infidelity…
ok, i could go on forever here but just some advice on how to start again with each other, how do i quit obsessing about this picturing them together, etc. ? thank you
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 20 December 2009:
Hi Angela,
I’m sorry this happened to you…it’s such a blow to learn your husband was cheating on and lying to you.
I think there are two important first steps when you’re rebuilding trust after an affair:
1) Your husband has to realize the importance of emotional cheating. He thinks that infidelity is about physical cheating — when emotional cheating can be more destructive to a marriage. How do you make him see the destruction emotional infidelity can cause? By reading books about emotional affairs and talking to a counselor about how it affects marriage.
2) You and he both need to understand why he was communicating daily with this woman. If you both know what need he was filling through the affair, he’ll learn to get this need filled in your marriage, and you’ll feel more confident that he won’t cheat on you again.
One of the best ways to survive anything — infidelity, illness, major life situations — is to get information about it. The more you and your husband learn about infidelity together, the more you’ll understand why and how it happened.
I encourage you to talk to a marriage counselor, even just for a visit or two. That may be all you need to figure out what you need to quit obsessing, and how he can help you learn to trust him again.
Also, it takes TIME to rebuild trust in marriage. There’s nothing he can say to erase your feelings of betrayal and heartbreak…healing a rift like this takes months of deliberately working on your marriage (which is where a marriage counselor can help — by giving you specific tools you need to rebuild trust).
I hope this helps a little, and I’m sorry I have no easy answers.
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Andrea on 25 December 2009:
Angela, I am experiencing almost exactly the same thing, except my husban works with this girl. There are texts, facebook messaging, emails, messages that she misses his, stolen kisses etc. It absolutley rips you up inside, this was even happening on Christmas day. It started out as a “friendship” which was supposed to be nipped in the bud right away, but it seems it has spiraled out of control. Secret meetings, going 4wding together. I feel like this behaviour is dirty, deceitful and i feel soo betryaed. Can’t eat, trouble sleeping. I am on anti depressants at the moment to help me through. I want marriage counselling, which i didn’t earlier because it didn’t seem to be a huge problem that we couldn’t work out ourselves. He said he feels bad, like I don’t deserve him, which I think means that he knows this is all wrong. But how do I break the cycle, how do i stop the messages etc, I feel she is manipulative and insensitive. How does this all come good again??
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 26 December 2009:
Dear Andrea,
This can turn around and be good again — but it takes time and commitment to your marriage. You CAN learn to trust your husband again after an affair, especially if you figure out why it happened in the first place.
Marriage counseling is a great idea…I hope you and he try it together, and I hope it helps.
Also, I don’t think you can break the cycle and stop the messages that this other woman is leaving for your husband. Your husband needs to do that — he needs to be strong and assertive enough to take control and end the relationship. He may need help with that, which is where a marriage counselor would be ideal.
I wish you all the best, and hope you and your husband heal your relationship even faster than you thought possible!
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Kaitee on 11 January 2010:
I recently discovered that my Fiance made a new friend on the internet. However I was looking at his profile pictures the other day and noticed a woman had written a message beneath it telling him that she wanted him. Curious as to who this girl was i looked at her profile and saw a comment my fiance had left her telling her to “Bring it”. needless to say that hurt enough in itself. i confronted him about it and he swore that he didn’t write it that it must have been his brother, he looked in my eyes and told me that he only wanted me and that he would delete that profile so she couldn’t talk to him anymore. When he went to his email to deleted the profile I noticed her picture on the screen. He had given her his e-mail so what did he need the profile for now? He told me that he was going to delete that as well. We fought and I cried. The next day I woke up and still had the gut wrenching feeling that he wasn’t telling me the truth. When I got into work I will admit I pulled up his email and sure enough he had sent her a message telling her that he wanted to get to know her and that he couldn’t talk much right now because I had found the profile messages.
I broke down at work and called him to confront him. He admited to it and said he didn’t know why he had done it and that maybe he needed help. Needless to say he told me that he was writting her at that moment telling her that he couldn’t talk with her anymore because of what it was doing to me. But I didn’t believe him. I wanted proof instead of just words. I went to see the sent e-mail but he changed his password. He says that he wants to go through with the wedding and that he loves me. But after being lied to more than once has made me wonder how many times has he done this, and if he is telling me the truth. i love him more than anything and that’s the only thing that has kept me from leaving. I just don’t know what to do.
Comment by Ana on 31 January 2010:
We’re married for 9 years. Been through a lot…but the worst was last 2003 when I learned that he has an affair with his officemate. It was very chaotic back then. So painful…especially when I caught them together in our own house. I left…went back to my family. But after a month he beg for forgiveness so we (w/ our only son back then) went back to him. It took time for me to forgive and forget. Until recently…just last november…I found out that they had a child. The kid’s already 5 years old. And the most unbelievable part was…the kid grew in my in-law’s guidance. They took care of him since birth. I felt so betrayed and stupid because everyone from their family managed to keep it a secret. To think that they live just 2-3 villages away from us. Again…he asked for forgiveness and I did thinking that the only reason he’s communicating w/ the other woman is because of the kid. Until last week…I noticed his restlessness…I asked him why…I beg him to be honest…he told me that he heard from someone that the woman’s planning to get married. I thought I could handle it…but it was a slap in my face. I stayed w/ him for 9 years…loved him…sacrificed a lot of things…and this is what I get! We’re still together but everyday’s a misery for me. He tells me he loves me but it’s hard to believe. I strongly believe that you can’t love two people at the same time. I felt such a loser…I can’t help thinking that he may be here…still w/ us..but his heart belongs to someone else. I told him I’m willing to set him free but he wouldn’t let us go. Right now…I’m torn between leaving him and giving the marriage a chance. If there’s anyone out there…maybe a counselor whose reading this…please help. I’m in so much pain. I can’t tell my family about it yet because I know it’ll be a huge dilemma and it’ll be hard for now our 2 kids. I grew up w/o a father…I wouldn’t want them go through the hardships I’ve been through.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 2 February 2010:
Dear Ana,
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband and his affair. Rebuilding trust is so difficult, especially if your spouse seems to be unfaithful more than once. That’s very sad.
Unfortunately, I can’t give you the support and guidance you need over the internet. Please call a counselor, and go see him or her in person. Even just one session can help! You need to talk through your pain, disappointment, and heartache…and you need someone to guide and help you figure out what the best thing is for you and your family.
You could also call a women’s help line or a distress line. Honestly, just talking it through can be SO helpful…but you need to take at least an hour to explain what’s going on, and to hear what the counselor thinks.
Will you do that, and let me know how it goes? I’d love to hear from you again.
Blessings,
Laurie