How to Survive Sadness and Depression After Breaking Up
First, a quip from a famous fairy tale:
“The horror of that moment,” the King said, “I shall never, never forget!”
“You will, though,” the Queen said, “if you don’t make a memorandum of it.” ~ Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass.
You will get past your sad and depressed feelings after breaking up – but you need to focus your energy and thoughts on healing and moving on. You can’t dwell the relationship breakup itself. In other words, you can’t make a “memorandum” of it! For relationship breakup help, click Real Life: Surviving the 7 Most Challenging Days of Your Life. And, read on for suggestions on how to survive heartbreaking emotions after breaking up…
How to Survive Sadness and Depression After Breaking Up
After separation or divorce, you may feel rejected and alone. “Feelings of rejection may run high because we often measure the results of our efforts in terms of whether or not the world accepts or rejects us,” writes Dr. Phil. Sometimes, another person’s reaction can be a barometer of our worth and value. “When the love of our life leaves us, any past rejection issues can be magnified.” You may feel unworthy, not good enough or like damaged goods. A divorce may also signify the failure of your dream, because you couldn’t make the marriage work.
- To survive these feelings, remember that a marriage or relationship breakup doesn’t change your value as a woman or man. You didn’t break up because of a failure on your part; the relationship failed for its own reasons.
After breaking up, you may fear that you’ll never be loved again. If you’ve been married for many years, you may think you won’t be able to survive emotionally, socially, or financially without your partner. You are entering a new phase of your life and don’t know what to expect. If you’re getting a divorce, read Money Tips for Divorcing Couples.
- To survive the fear of being alone, surround yourself with a support group! Gather your old friends around you, and be deliberate about making new friends. Don’t focus on the fear of never being loved again; instead give yourself the gift of self-care, self-love, and self-soothing. This relationship breakup help involves surviving your emotions by accepting them.
After a relationship breakup, you may remember only the good. “It’s just all too easy, once you separate from an irreconcilable situation, to remember and focus on only the good,” Dr. Phil writes. You may find yourself forgetting the irritating habits of your partner and only remembering the nice and sweet things he or she did for you. “By doing this, it’s very easy to fool yourself into wishing that you were back in the relationship and rationalizing that things actually weren’t that bad.”
- To survive this “selective memory” experience, don’t contact your ex-partner in a weak or lonely moment. “Once you’re out, stay out, unless one or both of you earns your way back in,” says Dr Phil. Focus on letting go of someone you love without wishing you were getting back together.
Other emotions after breaking up include anger, shock, bitterness, and loss. It takes time to survive heartbreak and feel happy again — but it will happen! You will live and love again.
If you want to get back together with your ex, you might find The Magic of Making Up helpful.
And, I welcome your questions or thoughts on surviving heartbreak below…
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Comment by orville barba on 8 November 2009:
you’re right… i’m in a break-up moment right now and as what you have said… i’ve tried to stay away from her in order to avoid any good memories from coming back and being stuck this bad situation… thanks…
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 12 November 2009:
Orville, I hope everything’s going okay for you. The first few weeks and months after breaking up are the hardest, but it does get easier!
Comment by Kim on 12 November 2009:
I’ve had a hard time adjusting to this issue. Your information has really helped. Thanks very much.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 15 November 2009:
I’m glad this relationship advice helped, Kim! Good luck, and feel free to comment anytime
Comment by Fox on 6 December 2009:
I am definitely bookmarking this page and sharing it with my friends.
Comment by Sandra on 21 January 2010:
hasn’t gotten easier for me. It’s been more than 8 years and it’s still extremely difficult. I was with him from the time I was 17. It’s shattering.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 22 January 2010:
Dear Sandra,
Eight years is a long time to feel sadness and depression after breaking up! I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t think it should still be “extremely difficult”…have you thought about talking to a counselor about how you’re dealing with this relationship loss?
Laurie
Comment by Britney S. on 26 January 2010:
Most everyone goes through sadness and depression after breaking up! But, you have to remember that there is someone BETTER out there for you, or you’ll never get over your heartache. Let your old person go and focus on finding someone better, who will make you happier. Unhealthy relationships break up. If your relationship was healthy, then you would still be together!
Dont’ worry, be happy.
Britney.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 27 January 2010:
Thanks for your comment, Britney! I agree that letting go and focusing on the idea that there is someone better suited to you out there can help you survive sadness and depression after a break up.
Comment by dina on 7 February 2010:
I’m going through emotional separation. It’s so hard. He has been very clear about his feelings…i have to learn to get on with my life without him. I’m 52, with him 26 years. it’s hard.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 9 February 2010:
Dear Dina,
I’m so sorry to hear that your relationship of 26 years has come to the point of emotional separation…that’s very difficult to deal with. You’ve been with him for half your life, and just adjusting to a new life without him won’t be easy.
If you need links to articles about surviving divorce and separation, please let me know. I can post them here…and if you’d like to share your feelings or emotions, please feel free! Sometimes just writing how you feel and what you think, either online or in a private journal, can help you survive feelings of sadness and depression after breaking up.
I hope you’re doing okay…please come back anytime. I’d love to hear from you.
Blessing,
Laurie
Comment by Leann on 11 February 2010:
recently separated and like Dina, have been married almost 28 years. together for 33……….doesn’t know what he wants anymore, but does know not me. I am totally devastated and feel like i can’t get through this……..The pain is just unbearable, and can’t even think about anyone else ever………..never thought this would ever ever happen.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 13 February 2010:
Dear Leann,
I’m so sorry about your separation, and encourage you to talk to a counselor or therapist. Sometimes the sadness and depression after breaking up is unbearable, and we need external support and guidance.
If you like, I’ll post links to articles about getting over a relationship breakup. You may not be ready to date anyone else — and that’s not necessarily part of surviving a breakup! But, you may need ideas for healing and preparing to move on…and I can give you some help here.
I wish you all the best as you heal from this heartbreak. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by ashley on 19 February 2010:
hi,
i just went through a breakup and i still love my partner very much. i cant sleep or eat and all i want to do its call him. he lives across the world and we were going to live together in 2 months in the same place. i thought he felt the same way i do but when i saw him he said he was not ready, it was a huge shock
what should i do?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 February 2010:
Hi Ashley,
I’m so sorry to hear about your break up, and your boyfriend not being ready to get back together.
The best, healthiest thing you can do is give him time and space. This definitely isn’t the easiest thing to do, but it really is the most important! He needs to figure out what he wants, and it won’t help if you’re “in his face” or contacting him.
I encourage you to focus on creating a happy, healthy life apart from him — I know it seems like you can’t survive the sadness and depression you feel, but you CAN. And, you will. Create a happy life by pursuing the activities that make you feel alive and fulfilled (and you love lots of things in life, not just your ex!). Force yourself to get out there and participate in your own life — and you will start to feel better.
If you can’t find the motivation create a happy life, try telling yourself that a happy, fulfilled, healthy woman is someone your partner will want very much, and be very attracted to. He won’t want to be with a sad, depressed woman who can’t survive a break up. The sooner you can get on with your life, the happier you’ll be…and the more attractive you’ll be. And you’ll soon find that even if you don’t get back together with your ex, you will be enjoying your life!
Now go out there and make your life fun, meaningful, and healthy.
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Augustina on 25 February 2010:
Thank-you for this article. My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me 6 weeks ago. It was a shock as I thought we were for the most part, “happy”. He just ran out of steam and did not want to work on our issues anymore. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I had no control over his actions and decision in the matter. I thought he was “the one”, but evidently, I wasn’t “the one” for him. This is an extremely sad time for me. I’m fortunate in that I have a therapist who i can speak with regularly and as someone who has battled depression in the past, I had to restart my antidepressant medication under the guidance of my doctor. Though I know i will get through this and be okay again, it sure FEELS like this will be an uphill battle.
To everyone who has posted about their breakup, my heart goes out to you. Don’t give up. We will get better.
Comment by Kristen on 27 February 2010:
Augustina,
Your story reminds me of mine. About 6 weeks ago today my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. He also just “gave up” and didn’t want to work on our issues. After 6 weeks I still feel depressed and wonder when I will start to feel better. I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.
Comment by augustina on 27 February 2010:
Hi Kristen,
it’s only been 6 weeks since your breakup! please be patient with yourself. You were with your bf for 5 years and that is a long time. I know it hurts right now. Though everyone is different, I think i’m still coming out of the shock and denial phase of grief. I had a little glimpse of “acceptance” but even that goes up and down. Be extra kind and gentle with yourself as you go through this healing process. Talk to a trusted friend or family member. It’s really tough for me too and like you, sometimes i have trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel too. I know it’s there though for you and for me. Big hugs to you!
Augustina
Comment by Amber on 14 March 2010:
its hard for me to live my life again..i feel as if im not alive..i cant think of anything except him…we broke up in 28 december and now im in the third month but still thinking of him and love him ..im wondering how much time i need to heal?? i was with him for 9 months