How to Save Your Marriage Without Going to Couples Counseling
But before the marriage tips, a quip!
“In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, the grounds for marriage.” ~ Robert Anderson.
Every married couple – even the happiest ones – can find reasons for divorce…but the key to a happy marriage is to find reasons to stay married. For help, click 7 Stages of Marriage: Laughter, Intimacy and Passion Today, Tomorrow, Forever
6 Ways to Save Your Marriage Without Going to Couples Counseling
1. Decide that you want to save your marriage. If you aren’t fully committed to the idea of saving your marriage, then you’ll spin your wheels as a couple! Before you can even hope to make your marriage happy, you need to consciously decide that you want to stay together. And, you need to accept that it takes time, energy, and effort to build and sustain a happy marriage.
2. Try online marriage counseling. I often include Mort Fertel’s Marriage Fitness program in my marriage articles here on Quips and Tips for Achieving Your Goals. Recently, I was thrilled to hear one of my friends describe how great his program is for couples – and she didn’t even know that I have his Marriage Fitness info here on my blog! Fertel is a marriage coach who doesn’t do traditional couples counseling; click Marriage Fitness: 4 Steps to Building & Maintaining Phenomenal Love for info on his book, or click the blue link above to learn about his online marriage counseling program.
3. Read books about building a happy marriage together. In addition to 7 Stages of Marriage, I’m reading 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great
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The rest of this article has been moved to my new site, “Quips and Tips for Love Relationships.”
Please click 6 Ways to Solve Problems in Marriage and Love Relationships to continue reading!
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If you want to get back together with your ex, you might find The Magic of Making Up helpful.
Another great resource is Save My Marriage Today — it discusses how to avoid the most common reasons for divorce.
And if you have any thoughts or questions about saving your marriage without going to couples counseling, please comment below…
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Comment by Linda Davis on 14 December 2009:
Really awesome tips, Laurie! You can actually find a lot of creative ways to save your marriage.
Here is a tip to keep in mind: negotiate instead of compromising. Compromise creates resentment because you’re curtailing you and your partner’s need. It becomes me vs. him. You’re forced into doing something that you’re half-hearted to begin with. However, with careful negotiation, you create the “we” mindset. By negotiation, you’ll be able to know what YOU want and what your partner wants. It requires commitment to keeping your values while at the same time, respecting your partner’s values. This way, you’ll stay true to yourself and to your partner.
Comment by Laurie PK on 15 December 2009:
Thanks for your comment and tip, Linda! But I don’t see the difference between compromise and negotiation. Don’t all negotiations involve compromise?
Comment by Linda Davis on 16 December 2009:
Hi Laurie! I think the main difference between negotiation and compromising is the former doesn’t involve giving up on what you value whereas the latter implies giving up to reach an agreement. Compromise, in my opinion, breeds frustration because you give up on something. It is based on the perception that there isn’t enough of something to go around, so you need to get as much as you can for yourself. On the other hand, negotiation implies finding solutions in which you and your partner will be completely satisfied. Hope that clears it up.
Comment by Laurie PK on 16 December 2009:
Ah, yes, I see. And, I have to add that negotiation seems more empowering, somehow. Compromise almost has a negative connotation, like you’re giving in (which is what you said, yes, I see). Thanks, Linda!
Comment by Maria on 19 December 2009:
I like your negotiation vs compromise distinction. I hadn’t thought about it that way, and I’m glad Laurie asked what the difference was because I didn’t know either!
Thank you for this article. My marriage has been faltering for about 5 years and we’re finally going to try marriage counseling. These tips to save your marriage are good, but we can’t do it alone.
Maria
Comment by Gregg on 27 December 2009:
Hi Laurie:
I was only made aware of you because of my new wife. She simply pasted your article about emotional cheating and emailed it to me.
I live in Canada. I travelled half way around the world to marry her in Philippines and I was married on October 3rd, 2009. Already there are trust issues and it seems no matter what I do, I can’t seem to contain this situation. I met her last year along with other women when I was on vacation. I decided on her in the end and committed myself emotionally and fincially, trusting her with many thousands of dollars prior to marriage for the plans, getting rings, many things ahead of time.
Prior to marriage I was accused of chatting on internet to another.
Then it was yahoo messenger. I removed it and she said I was liar as I still had it (yahoo account), different but … I removed that too. I had that a since 2007 before a met her. Forwarded her both screenshots of Y.M. removed from Add\Remove contacts of my computer and forwarded my email from yahoo of my account deletion. Still, she did not believe me. Later she would then go full circle and say, “If you had nothing to hide, why did you delete it?” It is frustrating. I went through this 10 days prior to taking off on a plane to marry her. i got a resulting devasting emails at work telling me I was a liar and I hate you. I often wonder why I looked past this. Warning signs perhaps? By then I had already bought the rings, given her about $4500 CDN for wedding expenses, paid for my airfare… and hers, taken another $1000 for pocket money. So I was quite entrenched in my plans. I committed. Before leaving, she was to meet me in Manila… and from this Y.M. thing, one day it was, I will meet you in Manila, not meet you, meet you…
I admit I did do one stupid thing. 30 hours of travel, she had asked me about this other woman I met last year and I admitted I wrote to her recently. She said lets see that email. I wrote to this woman because being the only other person I knew in Philippines I was unsure of my spouse whether she would show up in Manila or not… by her own words. So being a white guy and wanting to be safe in such a country, I contacted the other girl to reserve a hotel elsewhere for me, taxi… one has to be careful. Things worked out, not before being lost for a while in Manila airport and I simply wrote back, “Yes, I am here in Davao.” The letter was mainly writing about how much I loved my finace. However revealing that letter at all, not everything should be so open. We got past that day, seemed to really enjoy our time together, travelled all over the island. Our happiness continued until fateful day of Nov. 7th. Alternatively I used skype to communicate with her, much more control and less hassle than Y.M. We talked for 3 hours 18 minutes on it. After which that day I had yard duty outside and living in eastern Canada, many leaves to deal with. So I hung up the skype to skype call, said my good-byes, hoped to talk to her later. I then worked on my leaves outside for the next 7 hours. The next day I get this email. Here are her words.
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“Hi Gregg,
Okay, I was about to reply your emails but I noticed something stranged.
I copied and pasted below parts from your 2 previous emails. I am just wondering if it’s true that you didn’t communicate with anyone then how come you already have 43 conversations (please check below)even before we start talking to Skype?? also I saw you online now it shows in my Yahoo inbox in case you’re not aware, what does it mean? I noticed that status sign “away” last night while we were talking. We didn’t agree to talk morning of Sunday(my time), can I really trust you?? Think I need clarifications. I don’t expect another argument I just want to avoid misunderstanding. I’m afraid if this will continue I may never trust you again and sooner fall out of Love and that’s what I’m afraid of. I care much about our Marriage, and I just hope it’s mutual. ”
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I know my wife takes these things now and reads into them far. After this I spent more time learning about skype and simply setting my account now to invisible but more to the point, skype will not startup when my computer starts up. That was something I found I couldn’t control with Y.M.
Since this time she has been requesting my skype account and my main email account to monitor me. I suppose things would be different if she lived here but she doesn’t. Living over 8000 miles away is a problem.
I know I didn’t travel halfway around the world to immediately cheat on her. I know I did things in good faith. I contacted her pastor(s) where I got married about this problem… and I haven’t heard a word from them… so I don’t think she has been approachable. I made friends with chosen “best man” and he has tried to contact her on my behalf and ignored him.
She copied and pasted your article about emotional cheating. I read some of it. I have issues with sharing passwords over the internet. Identity theft is so rampant and I used to work for a computer company that did security for networks. Once a hacker has a trojan in your computer, there isn’t nothing he can’t do. So yah, more than paranoid.
She has been very persistent at least in getting these passwords and often puts me on “silence” for days on end. Not every man on the planet has emotional cheating. I made a decision, fairly open person I think that I am. I recall I gave her my skype password and she said, “Forget it!”. Then later she recoils and says I should leave it always open… while she opens another secret skype account. I let her know I knew about it. She asked for screenshots, proof and I spent several days capturing all the history (pretty much 99% is just her) and she said, “You could have edited the results in skype.” In the proof, I made a point skype does not allow a single history item to be deleted. It’s all or nothing.
I am just getting very frustrated. I feel I am trying and sometimes I wonder about her. She has her own house, smart girl but very emotional at times and has a mindset like no other.
It has occured to me she has used these issues to defer or hide from herself another issue. Finally making a commitment on her own behalf. I paid for most of the wedding. What I didn’t was paid for by her brother. She organized of course her own wedding but financially didn’t have any money to put into it. I still have to contend with immigration fees if she cooperates.
I am not so sure she truly wants to leave her country. Too scary a thought for her and I understand that. Of course she says its not that at all.
I think with so little to base her conclusions on. When I asked her about the yahoo thing she had simply told me, “I gave you the benefit of the doubt.” That did not make me feel good because I was completely innocent as I was with the skype. Only because of her actions did I have doubt and contact another that I otherwise had not talked to in a long time.
You should wonder why some men would seek empathy or something outside of marriage. A lot of women\men are not prepared to listen.
My own mother and sister, I have shared emails of hers with them because I seek someone for advice. Sometimes what you may write in your article as emotional cheating is really seeking advice from another person who has a closer mindset. After all, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
They are convinced I should get divorced, never proceed with the sponsorship. My wife has been angry at me since Nov. 7th. The last thing of course anyone wants to contemplate is divorce, particularly when I haven’t had much time in a marriage. It’s not a nice title to have. I had only 5 honeymoon days due to leqal requirements of Philippines, 21 day limit which I used to the max.
Is there an answer in all this or at least an opinion?
Comment by Paula on 29 December 2009:
I’m reading the book you recommended in your article, about taking your marriage from good to great! I never thought of reading it WITH my husband, but I can see how that could make our marriage better.
Thanks for this article. We don’t have to “save our marriage” as such, but all relationships could use some fine tuning!
Paula R.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 29 December 2009:
Hi Gregg,
I’m afraid I have no easy answers for you — and I agree that there is a difference between emotional cheating and seeking advice from friends and family!
I think the number one way to save your marriage and connect with your new wife is to find a way to live in the same country, in the same house. It’s difficult to build and sustain trust if you live halfway around the world from each other. Like you said, living 8,000 miles apart is a problem! If you don’t want to get divorced, then you might want to hold off on that decision until you’ve had the chance to live and love together in the same house. It may be too soon to abandon your marriage…but the geographical distance may make it difficult to build a strong relationship.
If you can’t live in the same place, then you might consider long distance couples counseling. It might help to have an objective perspective, to help you and your wife see each other’s points of view. Don’t forget that you’re coming from two completely different cultures as well…and that can make communication tricky, even if you were living in the same place.
So, those are a couple of things to think about. I also encourage you to think about your long-term goals — will you live together in three months or three years? That may change how you proceed with your marriage. Will she live in Canada, or will you live in her country? Maybe if you start making concrete plans, you’ll find more trust in each other.
I’m sorry I don’t have any easy answers for you, and wish you all the best as you figure out what to do next.
Take care,
Laurie
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 30 December 2009:
Thanks for your comment, Paula — I’m glad you’re reading the book about making a good marriage great, and I hope it helps!
Comment by jeff on 18 January 2010:
Good topic, You can also visit savingyourmarriage.co.uk that can help you during this tough times. Get the best tips on what you can do to save your marriage not just for both of you but for your children as well.