Some singles have “friends with benefits”, which takes care of the need for intimacy and passion. That’d be difficult for me, but I know people who wouldn’t have it any other way.

Thanks for being here on Quips & Tips; sorry to hear about your parents’ marriage. I know what you mean about the “permanent scowl” — I’ve encountered people like that, and it’s so sad.

There aren’t any easy answers on your “When is it okay to get divorced?” question. For some couples, it’s okay to get divorced when the passion fades — and that means different things for different people! Other couples get divorced because they don’t have the energy, patience, or commitment to work out their problems. Others get divorced because they’ve faced a major trauma and can’t work through it, such as losing a child or infertility. And still others get divorced because they think life’s too short to live in a marriage that doesn’t make them happy at least half of the time!

As Leo Tolstoy said, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

Regarding leaving a marriage, I wrote an article for women about knowing when it’s time to let go of the relationship and move on. In that article, I discuss a variety of needs that — if they aren’t being met — may be a precursor to divorce.

Here’s the link to that article:

Signs It’s Time to Leave Your Husband

I agree, Shay, that staying in an unhappy marriage can scar the kids worse than divorce. I suspect your parents had their reasons for staying together — reasons that were very real and valid to them. They thought they were making the best decision they could…they were doing the best they could for themselves and their children.

You summed it up well with your statement about being more commited to their commitment than their own happiness or their kids’ well-being. That sense of responsibility can bring guilt, which can motivate people to stay in unhappy marriages. For some couples, it’s easier to stay in a hell they know rather than venture into the unknown.

Sorry I don’t have any clear answers for you, and I hope your own relationship and marriage is happy, healthy, and strong….

I wish you all the best and hope to see you around again!

Laurie

Yes, I can see how it’d be difficult to talk to a stranger about your marriage — especially after infidelity! It can be embarrassing and shameful to admit you had an affair.

I liken it to seeing a doctor. It’s uncomfortable to expose various body parts to a stranger or someone you see once a year, but that’s their job. Doctors are used to seeing all sorts of body parts in all sorts of conditions. It may be difficult for the patient, but it’s the norm for the doctor.

Same with marriage counselors, who are usually experienced with giving love and relationship advice. It may be awkward or difficult to talk to a counselor, but it may be the healthiest thing you can do for your marriage.

Thanks for your comment, Raymond…it got me thinking!

Laurie

Best Wishes, Raymond

Pru — I’m glad you and your wife are getting past the infidelity. It takes time, but you may have a stronger, happier marriage in the end!