How to Save Your Marriage After Infidelity and Trust Your Spouse Again
Rebuilding marriage trust can be a long process — but it is possible to reconnect with a spouse who strayed! These tips might help you save your marriage after emotional infidelity; they’re based on reader questions and answers on my Tips for Surviving an Emotional Affair article.
Regarding emotional infidelity:
“It’s best to come clean as early as possible,” says marriage counselor Gary Neuman. “Be honest with your partner when you’re just beginning to become interested in someone else.”
If you’re trying to save your marriage and survive an internet or in-person affair, you might find Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity helpful – click the cover for details. And, read on for tips on saving your marriage…
Things to Think About as You Learn to Trust Your Spouse Again
If you’re coping with online relationships and infidelity, read How to Survive an Internet Affair.
Rebuilding trust after emotional affairs doesn’t happen quickly. Learning to trust again after a betrayal such as physical or emotional infidelity doesn’t happen once, nor does it happen overnight. Rebuilding trust is a process that involves ups and downs. Trust will be part of your marriage again, even after infidelity — but you have to work on it.
Whether you save your marriage depends on what you can live with. You need to decide if you’re willing to live with your partner as he or she is, because some people never change. You can try to improve a bad relationship — and it’s especially effective when both partners are equally commited! But if both partners aren’t willing to move forward together, then you need to accept your marriage for what it is….and not expect more.
There aren’t any easy answers after infidelity, because it takes work to build a healthy strong marriage and rebuild your relationship. Most love relationship advice is about being honest about your needs and finding ways to meet in the middle. If your partner needs something that you aren’t giving, then you need to find ways to give as much as possible without losing yourself — and vice versa!
***
The rest of this article has been moved to my new site, “Quips and Tips for Love Relationships.”
Please click Ways to Rebuild Trust in Marriage After Infidelity to continue reading!
***
For more marriage help from a trained counselor, read The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It by M. Gary Neuman — he’s currently writing a book about women who aren’t faithful. I also wrote an article here Quips and Tips for Achieving Your Goals about Neuman’s thoughts on infidelity, called Why Men Cheat.
If you feel disconnected and want to get back together with your ex, you might find The Magic of Making Up helpful.
Save My Marriage Today is another great resource – it includes how to avoid the most common reasons for divorce.
And if you have any questions or thoughts on these suggestions for saving your marriage after an affair, please comment below…
Are you tired of struggling with debt? Make it your goal to get out of debt this year
If you want to fix a poor credit report, Sky Blue Credit Repair helps with
credit repair, including credit bureau disputes, debt validation, and debt counseling services.
Are your fears about work, family, relationships, or money holding you back from achieving your goals? Try this natural way to end feelings of anxiety and panic.
Comment by Marriage Advice on 26 September 2009:
Your blog is very helpful for those who are in marriage problem these days. Points that you have mentioned is very impressive and looks effective too.
Thanks for sharing this blog.
Comment by Pru on 26 September 2009:
I read the book Not Just Friends and found it really helpful. My wife had an internet affair and we’re getting past it.
Comment by Alexandra on 27 September 2009:
Thank you for writing this article about saving your marriage after infidelity. I am not ready to talk about my affair, but I might be able to in the future.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 27 September 2009:
Thanks, Marriage Advice.
Pru — I’m glad you and your wife are getting past the infidelity. It takes time, but you may have a stronger, happier marriage in the end!
Comment by Marriage Advice on 6 October 2009:
The first bit of advice is to be yourself.Women like to be around a confident guy, they find them far more attractive than someone who puts on a show.
Comment by Ray on 20 October 2009:
Hi Laurie, You have written an excellent post, but I personally feel you should first, talk through your problems together.If there are still unresolved issues maybe talk to a marriage counselor, if you both agree. Many people in my experience find it difficult to talk to strangers about their most intimate problems.
Best Wishes, Raymond
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 22 October 2009:
Hi Raymond,
Yes, I can see how it’d be difficult to talk to a stranger about your marriage — especially after infidelity! It can be embarrassing and shameful to admit you had an affair.
I liken it to seeing a doctor. It’s uncomfortable to expose various body parts to a stranger or someone you see once a year, but that’s their job. Doctors are used to seeing all sorts of body parts in all sorts of conditions. It may be difficult for the patient, but it’s the norm for the doctor.
Same with marriage counselors, who are usually experienced with giving love and relationship advice. It may be awkward or difficult to talk to a counselor, but it may be the healthiest thing you can do for your marriage.
Thanks for your comment, Raymond…it got me thinking!
Laurie
Comment by Shay on 28 November 2009:
When, what or Why is okay(?) to get divorced?, I have watched many couples remain married even though their entire life was sad,lonely,miserable,scared,unhappy and loveless as if they were more committed to their commitment than they were to each other…?
Comment by Shay on 28 November 2009:
My parents are a perfect example, After 67 years of marriage, they rarely speak to each other… My mothers once beautiful face is now knotted in to a permanent scowl. I recall the saying of staying married “for the children”… I know for a fact that it scars the children sometimes for the worse (more often than not.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 30 November 2009:
Hi Shay,
Thanks for being here on Quips & Tips; sorry to hear about your parents’ marriage. I know what you mean about the “permanent scowl” — I’ve encountered people like that, and it’s so sad.
There aren’t any easy answers on your “When is it okay to get divorced?” question. For some couples, it’s okay to get divorced when the passion fades — and that means different things for different people! Other couples get divorced because they don’t have the energy, patience, or commitment to work out their problems. Others get divorced because they’ve faced a major trauma and can’t work through it, such as losing a child or infertility. And still others get divorced because they think life’s too short to live in a marriage that doesn’t make them happy at least half of the time!
As Leo Tolstoy said, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
Regarding leaving a marriage, I wrote an article for women about knowing when it’s time to let go of the relationship and move on. In that article, I discuss a variety of needs that — if they aren’t being met — may be a precursor to divorce.
Here’s the link to that article:
Signs It’s Time to Leave Your Husband
I agree, Shay, that staying in an unhappy marriage can scar the kids worse than divorce. I suspect your parents had their reasons for staying together — reasons that were very real and valid to them. They thought they were making the best decision they could…they were doing the best they could for themselves and their children.
You summed it up well with your statement about being more commited to their commitment than their own happiness or their kids’ well-being. That sense of responsibility can bring guilt, which can motivate people to stay in unhappy marriages. For some couples, it’s easier to stay in a hell they know rather than venture into the unknown.
Sorry I don’t have any clear answers for you, and I hope your own relationship and marriage is happy, healthy, and strong….
I wish you all the best and hope to see you around again!
Laurie
Comment by Shay on 1 December 2009:
Thank You very much for the input Laurie, I DO realize that it would be a decision that each individual must make, and that commitment vary, situations vary,etc. I have been married 3 times myself, and felt secure with my decision when I went my “own way”. Only recently I left my 3rd (and last)husband, after 25 years of marriage ( to a man who felt his addictions to drugs were a higher priority). I have came to realize that I am not the marrying kind of person. It is a struggle for me each day learning to “get along” without a man in my life,but feel better about my decision, I certainly miss the s*x and intimacy, but, for the past 15(!)years I have been without that.I am not sure even how I go about “fixing” that, and m*******tion leaves me satisfied, but still lonely for the touch and passion.I will continue to learn how to live as each day passes, and keep a bright outlook on the days ro come! Seasons Greetings!
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 3 December 2009:
Both my mom and my aunt (identical twins!) were NOT the marrying kind, and had strings of marriages and relationships throughout their lives. Some of us — both men and women — just can’t be tied down to marriage. I don’t think there’s anything unhealthy about being single, unless we’d rather be in a relationship or married!
Some singles have “friends with benefits”, which takes care of the need for intimacy and passion. That’d be difficult for me, but I know people who wouldn’t have it any other way.