There Are 245 Responses So Far. »

1. Comment by Lynn on 3 January 2009:

   Fantastic info//so needed//thx Lynn

2. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 3 January 2009:

   Letting go of someone you love doesn’t just mean divorce, separation, or breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. It can also mean letting go of an estranged family member, pet, or even a house or car! Letting go is hard…but it’s healthier to let go than cling to something that’s not right, or to someone who wants to move on.

3. Comment by Lissa on 6 January 2009:

   I had to remember that he rubbed spit and let it dry all over my kid’s pictures. At first I did not know what it was, when I figured it out , he was outta there so fast. When I confronted him, he had that split second look of being found out, then he recovered the look, and said I was crazy. He is a doctor, too. He is a sicko and to think he is actually in a profession to help people.

4. Comment by fame on 21 January 2009:

   letting go of someone you lve is one of the hardest thing to do, but life goes on, you should move-on, and let it out all the pain that youre hiding inside, before you can move-on accept first that the reletionship is over and now is in the past, be thankful for all the changed life has thrown you, for every break in your heart, for every scar, some pages were crossed,ome bridges were closed but you had lessons learned,,everything happens for a reason,,..

5. Comment by Betty on 13 February 2009:

   I have had a dear friend for almost 7 years. We emailed each other all the time, she came to visit me, we laughed a lot. She moved to Texas and found other friends and just dropped me. We are adult women and I thought I really knew this person’s heart. My dog died recently and a mutual friend told her about it and she said to tell me how sorry she is, but did not even contact me. Our dogs are like our children for both of us. This is so hurtful to me and I have no clue of why she is estranged from me…….my husband also really cared for her like she was family. I am letting it go, little by little, but it is very hard to understand, especially when I am grieving.

6. Comment by Laurie PK on 13 February 2009:

   It does seem odd that such a dear friend who also has a dog she loves wouldn’t contact you after yours dies! I wonder if she doesn’t know what to say, or if she feels uncomfortable talking to you about it for some reason.

   Or, maybe she’s just moved on in her life — which is sad. Friends shouldn’t just let go of each other, especially since good friends are hard to find.

   But it is what it is. Letting go of people we love is a process, and it does take time. And, relationships also go through stages of closeness and distance, so it is possible that she’s going through something in her own life right now. Maybe you will reconnect in the future.

   To help you let go, I suggest writing her a letter and explaining exactly how you feel. Be as honest as possible! Don’t do anything with it for a week……..and after a week has passed, read your letter and decide if you want to send it, not send it, or rewrite it and send her a modified version.

   Being honest and expressing your pain can be a good way to deal with your emotions, let go, and show other people how their actions affect you.

   Anyway, I’m sorry about your dog and your friend (two losses in one!), and I wish you all the best. Do let me know if you decide to contact her, and how it goes!

   Laurie

7. Comment by nelly on 2 March 2009:

   its really hard to let go of someone u really loved.the best way is to accept that the relationship is over and focus on your life.try something new that will satsify u and make u relax.believe u me no one can ever change someone.being honest and expressing your pain is the best thing to do.just know that u deserve to be happy and u are actually much more special.Be confident and carry on with your work or school.

8. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 2 March 2009:

   Thanks, Nelly. When you’re letting go of someone you love, it’s good to try new things, too. Exploring new hobbies, classes, friendships, neighborhoods, etc can take your mind off the breakup and increase your confidence.

   It’s hard to let go, though.

9. Comment by julian on 11 March 2009:

   But what about us men? Is it the same deal? I’ve also have a broken heart how can I mend that?

10. Comment by Laurie PK on 11 March 2009:

    Tips for men on letting go of someone you love:

    - Get physical activity to relieve stress and help you think calmly and rationally

    - Work on your odd jobs list! The “down time” after a breakup is a good opportunity to take care of all that stuff you’ve been putting off: chores at home, etc.

    - Put away the reminders of your ex-girlfriend. When you’re letting go of someone you love, you don’t have to destroy everything that reminds you of them — but it’s good to put the reminders away.

    Thesep tips are from a great post from John Lister, to help men survive breakups: http://www.been-dumped.com/Emotional-First-Aid-After-A-Break-up.php

11. Comment by Laurie PK on 11 March 2009:

    And, Julian, I do think that the tips in my article above on letting go of someone you love are effective for both men and women. It’s not whether you’re male or female that matters — it’s finding the right activity, the right thing that helps you heal.

    “The break up of a relationship is the nearest thing to bereavement, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed of taking time to cope,” said John Lister (who wrote the post that I linked to just above).

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

12. Comment by Alexis on 26 July 2009:

    My relationship of 10 years is ending..He says he loves me but does not see us ever getting married or having children together, I have a $6,000 engagement ring put away now. We were lookin for a house together in January and he decided to get a house on his own…he just close this week. I am going to move in with him for a while so I can save money for my own place. I have a 14 year old son that is not his…Since him becoming a teenager they have began butting heads…thats 95% of the issue…he doen’t have any interest in making it work…he doent understand why it is so hard for me to sleep next to him eveynight….Tell me will the book help with all that…probably not…

13. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 27 July 2009:

    Well, Alexis, I don’t think ANY book can help with all that! My heart goes out to you — you’re in a very difficult, very sad place.

    Letting go of someone you love takes time above all else, I think. Getting your own place and building your own life will help immensely. You have to focus on moving on, not regretting the time you spent with this man, and looking ahead. It’s hard — I know.

    Besides time, letting go also requires figuring out who you are as a single woman and recreating your life. You need to fill your life with satisfying, interesting activities and friends (but don’t be all “go go go” — make sure you give yourself time to mourn your loss and close that chapter of your life).

    You also have to consider your son’s needs. He’s losing a father figure, no matter how much they’re butting heads now. It’s sad that your boyfriend isn’t interested in working things out with your son, and I think your son may feel the effects of that. He might need help working through his thoughts and feelings, and a counselor might be a good idea.

    I wish you all the best, and welcome you here anytime. Remember that you’re not alone. You CAN do this, no matter how painful it is right now! You will not only survive, I suspect that you’ll thrive in your new life.

    Warm wishes,
    Laurie

14. Comment by angel on 31 July 2009:

    yes its very true. letting go of someone you really care for isn’t that easy.. coz especially gals put soo much energy and time to make every moment so special.. its mostly about care and love for most of the gals.
    my first relationship was with this charming guy, but unfortunately he only longed for physical intimacy. i never did with him coz i didn’t realy trusted him. even though he stayed in a relationship coz he felt worthless and needed emotional support. he kept on cheating and taking and hardlly giving anything to me..
    it was just enough and i did played the same game wiht him.. coz i know my worth and i don’t deserve to be treated as a doormat.. i did treated him the same way he treated me.. even though i did get my fair revenge. i kind of still have feelings for him. i still want him to be around me.. coz i just still want to adore me. i have left the job already and its been 8 months that i haven’t seen him but still i love him.. and its really hard to accept this that its over and he never loved me it was only for intimacy.
    when he cheated i felt so worthless and rejected. i was so devastated.. which probably guys (animals) don’t understand..
    i loved him with my whole heart and i may be a bit naive too so he kept on taking advantage of me a lot..
    but even though knowing everything i still love him..
    guys give me some advice how to let go of someone whom you reallly loved who also is a wrong guy…
    angel

15. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 2 August 2009:

    Hi Angel,

    I’m so impressed about how much respect you have for yourself! You knew he was the wrong guy for you, and you know that deserve more than what he was willing to give. Good for you for standing firm, even though you loved him so much.

    I don’t think all guys are animals and just out for some lovin’. Many men understand the pain of being cheated on, of being rejected, and of having their hearts broken. Men may show their feelings differently, but they definitely feel the pain and ache of lost or unreturned love.

    You did the right thing by leaving, Angel. Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest things you’ll ever experience…but sometimes it’s the only way to be happy in the long-term.

    To let go of the wrong guy, keep focusing on why he was so wrong for you! Think of how unhappy you’d be if you were in that relationship right now. And, remember that there are amazing, loving, caring, men out there — and you WILL find the guy who is perfect for you.

    I’m curious — what’s working so far, in helping you get over him? Something must make you feel better, because you’ve stayed away for 8 months. What is it?

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

16. Comment by jane on 5 August 2009:

    Hi I am someone who is really struggling at letting go at the moment and its so hard and I need advice.

    Basically I met a guy who I thought was great, he was going through a seperation when we met, so maybe they were warning signs. I helped him emotionally over the coming weeks we grew close. He told me he loved me, and to trust him and I did.

    The talk of the ex was enough to drive me crazy, but I listened as I believed him when he said he was not going back to her.

    Cut a long story short he was coming to get me last week and was in a car accident just up the road from me, I went in the ambulance with him and it was so sad to see. When we arrived there basically the apparent wife he seperated from arrived with her mum and he asked me to leave.

    I didn’t hear from him for a week and when I did he said sorry and he still cared, and would be friends. And then the other day he text and said he never wants to be friends again or see me. I offered to help him out in anyway but he is totally ignoring me now, I have sent him about 5 emails now which I know is crazy but I feel its such a cop out to do it via sms.

    I can’t stop crying all week and trying to let go is harder then I thought. I believed he was over this other woman but obviously he was not and I just feel all over the place when things were said that now mean nothing.

    I guess I just wanted closure not via sms, I should add this guy does have manic depression as well so is going through his own thing and I tried been there through his bad times to. I know I need to let go its the healthy answer.

    Any advice please as I feel so lost??

17. Comment by Laurie PK on 5 August 2009:

    Hi Jane,

    You were right about the separation being a warning sign! He wasn’t ready to move on. I’m sorry. I’ve heard it takes a year to get over every year you’re married — even if that’s not the exact “formula”, it does take a long time to heal. Even if the marriage seemed like it was over.

    I know what you mean about needing closure, but sometimes people can’t help us with that. Sometimes they just need to walk away…it’s sad, but there’s nothing you can do about it.

    You have to make your own closure, by writing a good-bye letter perhaps (but not sending it — this is for you, not him). Sometimes people have symbolic “funerals” for their lost love, and throw away or burn items that had meaning. Other people have breakup or divorce parties as a way of closing off a particular chapter.

    You don’t necessarily need him to be involved for you to have closure! You just need to find a satisfactory way of ending the relationship — letting go of someone you love — in your own mind.

    You’re also right that letting go of him is the healthy answer, but it’s also the hardest answer! It’s definitely easier (and weaker, I think) to keep reaching out to him and obsessing about the relationship.

    I’m sorry, but letting go is a process that takes time. While your heart is healing, I suggest you get involved in life as much as possible: spending time with friends, taking up new or old hobbies, treating your body with love and kindness through massages, pedicures, exercise, and bubble baths.

    I wish I had better things to tell you…but I don’t. I wish you all the best as you rebuild your life, and I invite you to come back anytime and let me know how you are!

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

18. Comment by Carla on 6 August 2009:

    Hi..I have a boyfriend and we’ve been together for sometime now.. A year back, his girlfriend died because of complication after giving birth.. Their baby is with his girlfriend’s father and he never saw the child again… It has been 5 months after his girlfriend’s death when we both got serious and promised to love each other..

    After few months, he would just ignore my calls, and won’t talk to me.. and will just be back after sometime like nothing has happened. I know the reason why he is treating me like this… Maybe he loves me.. but maybe not really scared of losing me.. He lost his most love, the mother of his child, he does not have their baby.. what could be more painful than that…

    I guess quick fix can’t fix everything.. I’m still trying to hold on for a year now.. We we’re able to talk about these things a month ago when we almost broke up.. I’m feeling weak and hopeless in our relationship. He is not sure if he will ever move on.. But he wants me to be there for him but I’m not sure if I still can take the pain… I love him so much… He means the world to me.. -everything to me.. If only I can bring her back to life I would, even if God will switch it with mine.. I just want him to be happy…

    Before I was so sure of my decisions and promised that I will always be there for him, love and support him no matter how painful it would be.. but now I am not so sure..

    With him, I’ll feel dying each day; Without him, I’ll feel lifeless. I don’t know what to do..

19. Comment by Laurie PK on 6 August 2009:

    Thanks for sharing your story here, Carla — and I’m sorry for how much pain you’re in.

    It’s beautiful that you love him so much, but it doesn’t sound like a healthy, fulfilling, happy relationship! It’s one thing to help your boyfriend through rough times…but you can’t become so involved in trying to fix another person’s pain that you lose your self-identity, your sense of who you are as a woman.

    My feeling is that it’s time to move on. Let him heal. Letting go of someone you love is the hardest thing you’ll ever do…but it can be the healthiest. You and he aren’t in a good relationship.

    You can choose to keep going the way you are, or give him some space to mourn his lost girlfriend and mend his heart. Maybe one day he’ll be ready to love you, and maybe not. But it’s a mistake to keep waiting and putting yourself through such pain.

    I’m sorry for you, but trust me — you WILL feel better one day. Letting go is a process, and it sounds like you’ve already started. And remember — just because it hurts doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do. Often, the right thing to do hurts more than the wrong thing.

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

20. Comment by Mike on 7 August 2009:

    I am a 31 year old man that recently got my heart broken. I know all to well the feelings that you are all going through. I’m currently alternating between “bargaining” with the universe to win her back, anger and sadness. Intellecually I know that this is not possible. Emotions are much stronger than this. Remember that he does not want to be with you, and ask yourself why would you want to be with him.
    I did attempt addressing the friendship between us, which she verbally acknowleged, but her actions spoke otherwise. Pay attention to thier actions, not thier words. I sent a very beautiful goodbye to my love and intend on it being permanent. Close the door behind yourself, and others will open.

21. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 8 August 2009:

    Thanks for your thoughts, Mike. I’m sorry about you and your girlfriend…surviving heartache is so difficult!

    When you’re letting go of someone you love because of a relationship breakup, it can be impossible to see that a new love WILL come into your life. And, that new love will probably be a better match for you. Your past relationship didn’t work because it wasn’t the right fit. It’s sad, but like Mike said, you have to close that door and look for a new one to open.

22. Comment by N on 8 August 2009:

    Hi, It’s been a year that I let go of a relationship that was hurting to hold on to. More hurting… the deaths that have occurred. Time definitely heals, but why so long? And when the other party immediately has someone else and even has her move in, does or will he ever think back and think, is this wrong or another mistake? And possibly realize that what he had was pretty good and now will never return? This still disturbs me, even after a year. After all the time and apparent ‘love’ for me, this still has an affect on me. Type of affect that forces me to refuse to accept any one else to come close. I have travelled solo, joined social events (that I normally would not), enrolled in activities that I never imaged before, took and still taking BIG high risks (which even shocks me), said good-bye to most of ‘my friends’, quit my job, excelled in my career, moderately drink alcoholic beverages, threw away items/pictures/old plans/old ideas & etc., cleaned out the house, treated myself to ‘last-minute’ get aways, and the crazy list goes on. I am very content and would not want to change today’s bizarre differences in my life. But the one thing that I can’t seem to let go of, is how can he do that.. just move someone else in. If you’ll believe, not even date her for awhile. Oh and he met her on a p**no type website on the internet and tells everyone that they met at the beach. (really nice, eh?) Regardless of who, where and how… how can a person just carrying on that way? I know you may not be able to answer these questions… the only one that truly knows is him. I will never ask him, I will forever refuse to allow him to speak to me (only because I can’t listen to the lies & later learned that it was all lies), I would never be able to look at him and yet somehow it still bothers me that he so quickly moved on forward like I never even existed. And 3 years of my whole life & dedication, my son and his children never meant anything. It appears that it was and always will be all about him & him only. Anyway, if you have a crystal ball and can magically tell me when will I not ever think about that ever again, please reply and thank you! N

23. Comment by Laurie PK on 9 August 2009:

    Hi N,

    The way you describe your ex reminds me of something called “narcissistic personality disorder.” This – like most mental health issues – is a continuum, which means people aren’t usually “textbook” narcissists. But, some of the stuff you mentioned made me think of him this way.

    Traits of narcissists include failing to recognize other people’s emotions or feeelings, taking advantage of others, and trouble keeping healthy relationships. Narcissists also expect constant praise and attention. There are other traits — the MayoClinic.com has a great description.

    It’s possible that he has a streak of that personality disorder, which is why it’s so easy for him to move in with someone new (who he just met!).

    It sounds like you’ve done an amazing job of letting go of him — you’ve really built a busy, interesting life! I don’t know when you’ll stop thinking of him…but it will happen.

    If you keep thinking about him, I suggest talking to a counselor or reading up on letting go of someone you love. It sounds like you’ve been playing the same tape over and over in your head…maybe you’re obsessing about him a little? I don’t know — but if you think you’d benefit from some outside help, I highly recommend talking to a counselor or reading books about surviving a breakup.

    Sorry I don’t have a crystal ball; I can’t tell you when you’ll be totally clear of that guy! But, it will happen quicker if you can find ways to stop playing that tape in your head.

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

24. Comment by N on 9 August 2009:

    Hi there Laurie! You’re right.. you do not have the crystal ball, but you magically answered ALL my questions! Thank you. I never heard of this personality disorder and I did some research and sure enough I could not stop reading the information on the type of mental illness. This really answered every question and also explains what attracted me to him to begin with! Finally.. answers and some concrete closure. Once again thank you and I do believe this ‘tape’ that has been playing over in my mind will disappear sooner then I expected and once again, I have you to thank. You truly have a gift. God bless… N

25. Comment by Jo on 10 August 2009:

    The person I am having trouble letting go if is my daughter’s boyfriend. When they broke up I also lost a good friend and someone I had spent a lot of time with.He became a close member of the family even coming on holidays and many other significant family events. This was also felt from him but being the younger generation he has been able to move on but all I feel is a terrible loss and many unanswered questions like where do all the happy memories, times, experiences and treasures go after someone leaves. You can’t keep them alive for long and it is so hard to let it all go. I have such a bad ache.

26. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 10 August 2009:

    Jo, that’s sad, and I’m sorry for you. When your daughter or son breaks up with (or divorces) a partner, the whole family can feel the effects! And when the partner is someone you really like or even loved, letting go is very difficult.

    My thoughts are with you — I hope you’re able to find a way to keep the good memories while letting go of the pain of losing him. Time will heal your heart (it’s a cliche because it’s true!)

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

27. Comment by Mary Russell on 14 August 2009:

    My husband of almost nine years has apparently been involved in at the very least an emotional affair since 2006. They met while deployed in Iraq. As if this was not enough, when I told my daughters about it, they informed me that he has been sexually harrassing them, bordering on molestation, since 2005. I have to leave this man, no matter how much I love him. I appreciate these tips for letting go. I know it is not going to be quick or easy, but I have no choice. Thanks for giving us some ways to lessen our pain.
    Mary

28. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 14 August 2009:

    You’re welcome, Mary. I’m sorry about your husband, and I’m so glad your daughters told you the truth before anything worse happened! That man isn’t well, and he’s spreading his un-wellness around.

    I’m glad you see that you have to leave him. Hold on to the thought that letting go of him – no matter how much you love him – is the best thing for you and your daughters.

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

29. Comment by Tony on 14 August 2009:

    I have been with this girl for 2 years now. We have had some wonderful times together. We were planning on getting married in may of this year , but it did not happen. She has changed so much from when I first met her. I have a son, who lives with me full time, she never had a problem with him before, but now she has said that he gets in the way to much and wants me to send him back to his mothers house. She has now taking an intrest in going out with her friends alot and only invites me to go with her when I have my son for the evening. She has really turned angry towards me and I have never lost one ounce of love for her. I have been hit, kicked, my house damaged and my cars have been keyed during her out burst of anger and still I love her so much. What can I do to get over her and move on, We were apart and I thought every thing was fine, but just two days ago she came back into my life and said she had recived help for her anger and was doing better to give her another chance, so I did, and tonight she was gonna spend time with me, but at the last min. she decided to go with her friends again, I asked if I could go with her but she said she didnt want me there and that she would call me later, well that didnt happen either. All these feelings are back, I am having such a hard time getting over her, even with all the bad things she has done, I still love her so much. Im not desperate for a woman in my life, I have had plenty of offers. I just cant get over her…..please help!!!!!!

30. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 15 August 2009:

    Tony, I have to quote Judge Marilyn Milian here and tell you to “put your big boy pants on” and get help.

    You need to figure out why you continue to cherish and love a woman who treats you so badly! This woman is physically and emotionally abusive, and she’s treating you like dirt.

    But, more importantly than how she treats you: what are you getting from this relationship? You’re benefitting from it somehow. Do you think you deserve to be treated like dirt? Do you believe you’re unworthy of accepting healthy love from a woman?

    This isn’t just about letting go of someone you love. This is about YOU and your need to be treated badly. The worse she treats you, the more you love her. There’s something seriously wrong here, and I encourage you to get help. Talk to a counselor.

    The worst part of the whole thing is your son. He’s learning SO MUCH from you and your girlfriend. He’s learning about how to be mistreated, how unhealthy abusive love works, and how relationships operate. He’s being set up to be abused, or to be an abuser. He’s not being shown how to live a healthy life with self-respect and mutually loving relationships.

    Call a distress line or a national abuse hotline. Figure out what’s driving you — and put your son ahead of your own weaknesses and emotions.

    I wish you all the best, and I hope you get help today.

    Laurie

31. Comment by Michelle on 15 August 2009:

    What do you do when its your first love? We had not spoken in 16years until I wanted to apologize to him for being angry at him all this time. I cheated on him 1st and he cheated on me next. After we broke up we contined to see each other for a 1year. I met a guy decided to get married. He asked me not to but I stil did. I eventally left my 1st husband for him ended up pregnant and he started going out with other people. I miscarried and we saw each other 2 times sfter that. He tried on nmerous occassions to get me to see him but I would not. He was on drugs during this time. Two years ago I fond ot that he was sick with cancer so i decide that maybe its time to forgive. So I sent word to him that I wanted to talk to him and I did. Bad mistake because I am confused I love him and always have but we both go hot then cold. He is no longer on drugs and his health has improved. I am very afraid of how he makes me feel. He told me that he loved me to pieces. I can’t ever get him to tell me how he truly feels. If we cannot talk on an emotional level is there anything there? I feel the love when we are together. Its like I know him as well as he knows hisself. I just had my 2nd scare with cancer.I am getting too old for this. I am married now and have been a long time and have children. I really just want to try to do the right thing. But I can’t seem to let go.

32. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 16 August 2009:

    Hi Michelle,

    Your first love is something that will always be special — it’s a treasure!

    Remember that love isn’t necessarily how you feel about someone now (or how you felt 16 years ago!). Love is building a life together, fighting cancer together, raising kids together, fighting, laughing, paying bills, working through problems. The feelings of passion or yearning you feel for people who aren’t part of the day to day nitty gritty of life aren’t LOVE….it’s just feelings that are probably fleeting.

    You need to decide (objectively, without being swayed by your feelings of passion or yearning) which path is healthiest and happiest for you and the people in your life.

    And, remember that whichever path you choose, you’ll be letting go of someone you love. You can’t have both men in your life — and you CAN let go of one. You need to choose to leave your past behind (whether that’s your marriage or your first love). And you do have the power to choose; you just need the self-discipline to build your life around your choice!

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

33. Comment by Tessa on 17 August 2009:

    Hi,i left my husband as i was not happy for a long time.In the time that i left i got involved with another man. It started as friendship and build towards more. When i left my husband i stayed with him for a month so i could sort out personal matters.We did not share any room or do something i could be ashamed of. But it was very difficult as he decided that we can only be friends. And yet we sometimes went to far.i have now moved into my own place and our relationship finally shipwrecked. I told him i won’t be able to see him anymore as it hurts me to much to see him as i always want more than friendship. And he just wants that. Anyway we had a big blow up and he even deleted me off his facebook. He does not want anything to do with me. I accept that although it hurts so much i sometimes feel i can’t breathe.Why do i still miss him so much. I feel as if my heart has been ripped out. How do i let go? How do i ever trust another man again?

34. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 17 August 2009:

    I’m so sorry, Tessa. It sounds like you’re in alot of pain — and only time can take care of that.

    One way to let go of someone you love is to build a healthy, happy life apart from him. Figure out who you are, what you want out of life, what your goals are, what you’d do if you could do anything you want with your life!

    I know how much it hurts — but you have to realize that this man is NOT the source of your happiness or wellness. This is one man, and it didn’t work out with him. Don’t let it destroy you — or your ability to love again. You can survive this, especially if you remember that your pain will lessen. It WILL go away; you just have to go through it. I’m sorry, but there is no getting around dealing with pain…

    Take it one step at a time: let yourself heal, create a life you love, and don’t worry about trusting new men yet. Take at least a year off, and focus on re-creating yourself and rebuilding your identity. Go back to school, find a new job, maybe move to a new city, state, or province. Focus on other aspects of your life….because though a relationship with a man can be fulfilling and important, it’s not the whole meaning of your existence.

    First, let yourself heal. Then, after you’re strong, start thinking about the future.

    Best wishes,

    Laurie

35. Comment by Katherine on 19 August 2009:

    I came to know this guy who has been engaged to provide some services for our office event, and since I am the contact point the initial phone calls were purely business and then he came to my office for a meeting with me and some of my colleagues. The follow-up calls after that meeting were again businesslike but since we had broken the ice we began flirting, totally unplanned and candid. I was the usual fun and friendly self and he was obviously very very attracted to me – you know, things that guys say when you know they are smitten. He was really sweet and I was enjoying the attention he gave.

    I consider myself to be a “natural” when it comes to knowing men, but this guy swept me off my feet. Like all articles that I read, that intense feeling I have for him developed soon after and I began to realise I am starting to feel the “seriousness” somewhat and I am getting all tensed in communicating with him.

    You see, there were few occasions where he called and sent text messages to flirt and I did the “play-hard-to-get” thing – something which I thought was right at that time but now I realise it’s not. Being the nice gentleman he is, he did call and text several times again but by then I was not sure how far to go in terms of the playing hard-to-get. In short, I think I had it out of control and did not know how to fix it and the more I tried, the worse it got. In my panic I sent some silly message which was also boring and then his calls and text messages diminished slowly but surely ….. I was confused but since I know that calling a man too much in the beginning is a big turn-off I played it cool but how I missed those calls ! I really think that I handled it all wrongly and now I have to risk the fact that he is no longer interested in pursuing me.

    In his line of business and with such a good personality, I know he has no lack of women in his life. But he did tell me once that he do not have many close women friends with whom he can share his deep thoughts and feelings. He is looking for someone mature and yet fun – he even said he think I am his kind and I know he meant it as I could sense the sincerity in his tone.

    Now I am wondering if he is withdrawing, thinking I am not that interested (which obviously is not the case). Maybe he has a hurt past, or something, but I want to be the one he can share with. Even if a relationship will not come out of this, I really like to be friends with him.

    Last week he came for another meeting which included my colleagues as well, and I maintained a friendly but business approach so he will feel comfortable. But I was all butterfly inside ! He was also friendly and businesslike and we made some small talks after the meeting but it was not the same anymore – you know what I mean.

    I am feeling like the one who messed up this whole thing and cut short his pursuit for me. I am not sure what he is feeling or thinking as we never talked about it. But my gut feeling is that he is avoiding me since I avoided him first. I read from somewhere that a man who do not pursue a woman he is interested in thinking that she is not interested in him, is someone who will not rise to the challenge. But this guy looks like one with the greatest confidence I have ever seen. But then again, nobody knows what is really inside him ….. which makes me all the more want to know him.

    I really like to get back to talking with him again, whether as friend or (if eventually) as lover. But I do not want to come on too strong, desperate or needy. In fact I was so careful not to tread on all the “minefields” that I know – so much so that I was overly cautious and it took away all the fun I had !

    Please let me know what I should do now. Should I not call him until he calls, which is not really possible as we have work to discuss. Will he then take it as my excuse for calling him ?

    With a working relationship ongoing for the next couple of months, how should I handle him, his calls, text messages. What if he will not do any of these?
    And what if he does – just for business sake. What can I do or say that will let him know I am interested (very) and know that it’s mutual before I make a fool of myself again.

    Another thing – some men also know the techniques on calling women right ? what if he is also doing the same as us women – not calling too much, etc?

    Please advise as I am nearing depression thinking about this
    Thank you in advance.
    KC

36. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 20 August 2009:

    Hi Katherine,

    I think you’re overthinking this WAY too much! You need to take a deep breath, my friend. Seriously: take a deep breath.

    It seems like you’re playing alot of games. You’re trying to manipulate him, you’re second guessing everything you do, you’re trying to figure out how he feels from his behavior, and you’re reading between the lines.

    And, you’re trying to do your actual job, too! That’s alot of pressure you’re putting on yourself.

    If you need to contact him for work purposes, then of course you should do that. Your job is your first priority.

    I think you should worry less about how you’re coming across (you mention desperate, needy, strong) and focus on being honest. If you like him and would like to get to know him better, say that. This requires WAY more guts and courage than playing games with him, but it is direct, straightforward, and honest. He will respect that. Even if he’s not interested in getting to know you better, he will admire that you had the self-confidence and courage to reach out to him.

    This is way scary, but I think you should invite him out for a coffe. Be yourself. Focus on getting to know him and figuring out if he’s someone you can actually be friends with. Don’t worry about how you appear, what he thinks about you, how you look, how you sound.

    And, I also suggest that you don’t let one man be the driving factor towards depression or bliss! Men are a wonderful PART of our lives, not the crux of everything. Maybe he likes you, maybe he doesn’t. Either way — it doesn’t change who you are. You’re still the same old wonderful Katherine, regardless of how this man responds to your invitation for coffee.

    I’d love to hear how it goes…it takes alot of self-confidence and vulnerability to ask someone out. You know how nervous the thought of it makes you feel? That’s exactly what men go through all the time. They’re just more used to it (most of them) because they do it more often than women do (most of them).

    Good luck!

    Laurie

37. Comment by Katherine on 20 August 2009:

    Dear Laurie

    So good to hear from you and thank you so much for the advice. I agree that I tend to think too much and read between the lines, which had cost some me some potentially great relationships in the past as well.

    You know what, I did the bold thing – I had actually text him just 2 days ago if he likes to meet up the following night as I was in town meeting some friends. I thought it would be good to catch up with him over coffee. He replied by saying he will let me know the next day as he will be having meeting in the evening and not sure what time it would end. Next day came, and it was 7.35pm when I decided to text him again to let him know I will be in town till about 9pm. He replied to say he just finished meeting in another part of the city ……… so you can say it’s a no. He turned me down.

    I was devastated of course, but I decided not to pursue the matter anymore. I decided it’s time to let him go, after seriously thinking of it the whole day. I don’t think I want to hunt him down but I should give him the space he want. I can’t force him to do anything he don’t like to do for me. That will be a lose-lose situation.

    I rather get on with my life, and continue to be my usual self, and if he sees any spark in wanting to know me more, he will take some action. Afterall we still have few more months to work together. I lost his chase, but not my life, and certainly not my dignity. He had been so good and so caring but I blew it and while I have to live with the consequence, life still has to go on and if I don’t pick myself up again, no one can do it for me.

    Once again, thank you so much for your time in reading and replying to my question. I just want to know the right thing to do so I don’t push him any further. Being able to pen my thoughts is a great comfort in itself.

    Warm regards
    Katherine

38. Comment by Ziara on 20 August 2009:

    Hi,

    I want to let go of the person that I Love but I find it so hard to do it. It has been 8 years since we been together and it’s been HELL, every other month he is cheating on me. It’s not like he Helps me with bill’s or he is so great. I work and I’m the one that pay’s most of all the bills. I just want him to just leave out my life so that I can move on. When I talk to him and tell him how I feel he just stay’s like nothing and say’s that I’m over reacting. I’m just so sick of this already, I just don’t understand how the men you think love’s you and Respect you really doesn’t. I can go on and on about how much he has put me thought. I guess what I really asking is how can I let go and for him to realize that I really don’t want to work it out any more It’s just not worth it. Help!!!!!!!!

39. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 20 August 2009:

    Hi Ziara,

    Can you move out? I think that’s the best way to leave this guy. Pack up your stuff, and find your own place.

    He can only put you through what you’re willing to take. If you keep accepting his behavior by staying with him and not leaving, then he’ll keep dishing it out.

    To quote Judge Marilyn Milian: It’s time to “put your big girl pants on” and take control over your own life. Your partner has a warped sense of love….but the good news is that you don’t have to take it! You can leave.

    Laurie

40. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 20 August 2009:

    Wow, Katherine — you did, like, a 180 in less than 24 hours! You went from an uncertain, anxious, fearful “girl” to a strong, gutsy, realistic, confident woman overnight.

    That’s WAY cool. I love your new attitude, and encourage you to come back and read your own words whenever you need a shot of confidence.

    Take care,
    Laurie

41. Comment by James Dusk on 20 August 2009:

    Thank you Laurie!

    I love the way you define that persons thoughts for them!
    Awful way to go about it.

42. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 21 August 2009:

    Hi James,

    Thanks for taking the time to comment — I’m always interested in hearing what people think!

    Do you have any helpful suggestions for me?

43. Comment by Katherine on 22 August 2009:

    Thank you Laurie. I could do it because you gave me some insights into this, plus I have been reading so much about what I should do and I think I have some basic principles ingrained on how to carry myself well, no matter what the circumstance.

    Truth be told, it still hurts knowing that I have let go of a good man, but I also learn that letting go of someone you love is truly loving them, and it’s a way of loving myself. How true. If I don’t love myself enough to hold this up, how can I expect anyone to love me? It’s cruel to harass, stalk and stress someone who already showed signs of not wanting to talk, so in love I let him go. Am I proud of myself ? you bet ….

    And thanks for reminding me to come back once in a while to what I had written, because that’s exactly what I always do – going back to read what I had written to keep me strong.

    Thanks, Laurie for your kindness.

    God bless you.
    Katherine

44. Comment by Angie on 22 August 2009:

    Ok now I need advice..

    I’m in a very commited relationship I’m married, I have always been a very honest, faithful person. Until:

    My ex from a long time ago got back into my life, keep in mind he is also in a very commited relationship, married with a few kids. It was an odd way on getting back in touch but we did, keep in mind for YEARS I always searched for him after we ended. We broke up for stupid reasons. Anyway, so we were talking for hours either online, on the phone, or text messages, or emails. Always some kind of communication, and feelings began to build a lot. We both started to fall in love with one another. We started hanging out at least once a week without our lovers finding out, no intimacy was involved but there was some heavy kissing going on, again I’m normally not a cheater. So feelings keep getting stronger and stronger. In a nutshell, he got his cell phone bill his wife saw all the texts, and phone calls to me she was mad, then she told a mutual friend she also read all his emails to me(in his regular email), from me etc, and he doesn’t know she has done this. Anyway, now its to the point where he is gone, without no closure (like you guys were mentioning above) and it really hurts a lot. I find myself crying over this for hours sometimes. I even sent him an email to our “secret email account” saying I miss basically all the communication we use to have to now, like nothing. But guess what? He deleted it without even reading it, why do you think he did that? It couldn’t of been the wife because I text’d him right after I sent the email to tell him he had email. Oh I am just so sad, and I shouldn’t be, but I truly was falling in love, if I wasn’t already. I honestly felt more close to him in less than a years timing then I have with my husband in the last few years. I just need some serious overall advice here, I’m really hurting… bad

45. Comment by Laurie PK on 24 August 2009:

    Hi Angie,

    I’m sorry that you’re hurting.

    I think your ex-boyfriend deleted your email without reading it because of his wife — she found out that you and he are cheating together.

    My suggestion is for you to focus on your marriage. I know it’s not as fun or exciting as being with your ex-boyfriend, but this is your life now. For better or for worse! I think you should let your boyfriend go, let him go back to his wife and rebuild his marriage.

    You and he both have families and spouses now, and betraying them by having a relationship is wrong. It’s infidelity.

    If you and your ex-boyfriend decide to get divorced from your current spouses and build a life together, then do that. Make a clean break, and stop lying to your families. But, you can’t have the best of both worlds by having a relationship with your ex and going home to your husband each night (and it’s not really the best, because lying and cheating isn’t the best of anything).

    Again, I’m sorry that you’re hurting, and I hope you find a solution that is the best for everyone involved.

    Laurie

46. Comment by Angie on 25 August 2009:

    Hi again,

    Yes, I know she knows that we have been talking. Obviously from the cell bill, and his one email account; but I think she knows his information for the account that was to be secret. Anyway I do thank you for this advice. It just hurts so much, I went from talking to him every day FOR HOURS… to simply nothing at all. Here’s another question I have, I forgot to ask. I attend a labor day party every year, same people, etc.. They ARE going to be there this year, how do I deal with it? What do I do?

    Angie

47. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 26 August 2009:

    Hi Angie,

    If you can avoid seeing them in social settings, then I think that’s the best solution. Seeing them constantly can keep the wounds fresh…while avoiding them might help everyone move on.

    Maybe you could do something different this Labor Day. Go out of town, start revitalizing your marriage! Focus on your husband and kids, not this affair. And, maybe they’re thinking the same thing — his wife might not be eager to have you all in the same place! Maybe they won’t attend after all.

    If you do see them at the party and other social events, I suggest just being polite and friendly. You might even let him set the tone; if he’s comfortable chatting a bit, then chat. If he seems to be avoiding or ignoring you, then let it be.

    Good luck,

    Laurie

48. Comment by Leila on 31 August 2009:

    Things turned out really ugly between us. I’ve gone as far as calling the women he was attempting to have a relationship with while he was in a relationship with me and told them that he has a medical malody that no soul on earth wishes to have. We have been together since 2005. Like most relationships, the beggining was great. Things turned out for the worst when I phoned his female friend in Jamaica who he was having a relationship with when he met me. It turned out that their relationship has gone sour and only if I had waited patiently and let him work it out on his own, things between us would just worked its way. He was upset but eventually forgave me.
    Months passed. More women came to picture. I searched his private things. Called these women and in turn, I was hurt physically and emotionally.
    Overtime, our relationship changed for the worst however, when situations were good between us, they were great. When situations were bad, they were ugly. He accused me of cheating on him numerous time. I have never slept with any other men but him. I couldn’t bring myself up to even think of another man because I loved him. The adoration he once have for me was gone and I became desperate of wanting to get it back.
    I took 3 pregnancies from all of which were aborted. I really wanted to keep my third pregnacy but things just got really ugly. Just recently, I found his journal. He met another filipino girl online. He has been chatting with her since April. Just a month after I had my third abortion. I saw text messages they have been sending with each other. He has told her that he loves her and wants to go to the Philippines and marry her. I wasn’t upset because of the fact that he spoke about marriage with her because I know for a fact that he has too much at stake right now to marry someone more especially a stranger from another country. I was upset of the adoration he’s given her. The adoration that I have not recieved in a long time.
    I left him thereafter. We did not speak for nearly two months. One day he called numerous time. I ignored all phone calls until he called me from a number that i did not recognized. He begged me to give him two minutes and explain himself. Like a sucker that I am, I did. He plead for forgiveness with tears coming down his face. He asked me not to give up on him and that I could make him a better man. I forgave him. I took the house keys back from him. We don’t live together. He gave me his keys so I can come to his house as I please.
    Just a month after we got back together. We took a trip to Jamaica. We went to a homecoming reunion with his family. I felt like I was ignored by him the whole entire day with his family. There were some incidents that I took things out of proportion and this incident was definitely one of them. I litterally pushed his button and ended up cursing me out. I started hitting him with a pillow. He started choking me and shoving me down the sofa. It got worst when I found out that he has been sending money to the girl in Jamaica. I brought it up to him. He said to my face so what and claimed that she was his woman while I was doing my thing running around and sleeping with another man. I lost it. It hurt greatly. I couldn’t think right for a moment. All I could think of was wanting to hurt this man and as a result, I started hitting him. He hit back. I couldn’t remember anything after that. In addition, he wasn’t able to pay for his son’s ticket to go to Florida to see his mother. He didn’t have enough money. So I took care of it. It was a f***ed up thing he did. He couldn’t pay for his son’s plane ticket yet was able to send money to some girl he just met on the internet.
    We got back in the States. I found his text messages he was sending to another woman who is temporarily living here in the States. He went and saw her the night before we left for Jamaica. In addition, he told her how much he was attracted to her and wants to have a relationship with her. He brought the worst in me. I started calling all of these women and told them that he has a medical malody.
    I felt as if it was all my fault. In the end, I ended up apologizing for everything that happened.
    I only asked that he loves me like he says. And if he couldn’t do that then let me go. Although he says I run then come back, I never left. Yes I leave the house when things get heated. There might have been a couple of days that we don’t speak but it didn’t mean that I moved on or found another man. I just needed some time to clear my head. But he didn’t attempt to call either. So why would he say I am gone.
    He never told me to stop calling him or not to come by the house so I didn’t stop calling and I continued to go to the house but he acts as if I wasn’t in the house. Barely says a word to me.
    It hurts deeply. He says he loves me yet calls me pathetic and desperate. What is wrong with me. I know the mistakes I made. I take responsibilites for my own actions. If I know how to correct them I would but I seriously don’t. I loved this man. I fought so hard to make our relationship work.

49. Comment by MJ on 2 September 2009:

    Hi – I’m really struggling. I was with my husband for 22 years. Jan. 1 he said he wanted to leave me and was unhappy. We remained living together until around the beginning of April – it was an extremely stressful time. He didn’t come back home when I finally got him to reveal that he was having an affair – I couldn’t figure out what the problem was – so after April he stopped coming home – got his own place May 1 – the day after he moved out he called me up and asked me to get together with him. long story short – we made an effort to reconnect but I realized the mistress was still around and in june we stopped trying to reconnect. I left my home for July and Aug – and just returned – upon my return this past weekend he wanted to see me again – it was good to see each other – but I was quite upset after and realize I can’t see him – too much pain – he is still with his mistress. I’ve asked him to let me go – to say he is not coming back but he doesn’t. I need to let go but at the same my heart is with him – we have been through alot together – our daughter died 9 years ago and it has been tough. He tells me he is messed up over it still and can’t cope etc. I realize that I can forgive an affair but I can’t condone it and continue to play a role in it. The affair is a dilemma that could be overcome considering some of life’s arrows that have come our way as a couple. I need some help – I’m having a difficult time letting go – I know it’ll take time etc and to get out and all of the that – I feel now that I’m back home that I’m isolating myself lost in my thoughts. I am going to get out in a social setting this upcoming long weekend weather permitting – I can function socially and appear strong etc – I just can’t do it for long periods of time because my life seems surreal and I want to shout out that I’m hurting and please someone fix me. Thanks for reading this.

50. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 2 September 2009:

    Leila and MJ,

    My heart goes out to both of you. You’re dealing with complicated love relationships that are so hard to just let go of! And in many ways, you may always be connected to your partners.

    I don’t have any great words of wisdom or healing, but I just want you to know that my thoughts and warm wishes are with you.

    And, remember that letting go of someone you love is a process that can take a long time. And, some days you might feel free and strong, and other days feel weak and in so much pain.

    I suppose deep love can have a deep price tag.

    Best wishes, and feel free to come back anytime you want to reach out! You’re not alone.

    Laurie

51. Comment by Tessa on 3 September 2009:

    Hi Laurie,
    i wrote you a while ago about how hard i was finding to let go of a emotional relationship i was in. You said that time heals and i have to tell you that it does. Every day i think of him less and i finally am living my life again without tears and regrets. I have noe reached a point where i have forgiven him and most of all myself. Thanks for your kind advice. Also people out there going through what i did you will survive. It’s hard but every day you will find it just gets better.

52. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 4 September 2009:

    Hi Tessa,

    I’m so glad to hear from you — and to learn that you’re feeling better! Forgiving him and yourself (and especially yourself) is so important.

    I think other readers will learn from your advice and experience, and realize that healing and letting go of a love relationship takes time.

    Take care,
    Laurie

53. Comment by Wilma on 6 September 2009:

    Hie Laurie,

    I’m a bad person (b***h) and I hate myself for that. I’m with a married guy. I want to end this. I want to stop all these cause it’s not fair for him, his wife and his kids (2 kids) but I can’t bring myself to it. He told me that he doesn’t have the love feeling for his wife anymore and is thinking of divorce…but he’s not ready for it yet. He doesn’t want to be with her…but he can’t lose his kids.

    The weird part is, I love him very much…but whenever he shares his problem (marriage) with me, I gives him advise as a friend…not as a lover. I asked him not to think of divorce but instead, try to work things out with this wife. Weird, right? Whenever he mentioned the word ‘divorce’, I always shut him up. The word scares me but on the other hand, I want to spend the rest of my life with him (not sharing…but to have him fully mine).

    I want to let go. He wants to let go. But we can’t do it as we still love each other. He said he needs time to think about it. Whether to save his marriage or go for divorce.
    I’m confused (with myself). One part of me wants him to save his marriage and one part of me wants to be with him. I hate myself for this. I know what I should do…I should let go, I know. But how?

54. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 7 September 2009:

    Hi Wilma,

    I believe you love him, and I believe it’s very difficult to let go of him.

    I think you’re getting alot out of this relationship — it’s a safe place to be. Morals and ethics aside, you’re very protected in this affair. You don’t have to commit to him, you can keep him at arm’s length, and you can keep yearning and longing for something you can’t have. In fact, you encourage him to stay married so you can stay in your own cocoon!

    You might see that this is a selfish way to be (sorry to be harsh!). Not only are you hurting yourself, you’re also damaging him, his marriage, his wife, and his kids. I think you know this — and this is why you hate yourself.

    The tips in my article, How to Stop Cheating on Your Partner, might help. That article may actually be more helpful for the man you’re having an affair with, but there are ways to let go.

    I think the best way to let go of this relationship is to figure out why you want to be with a man you can’t have, and what drives you to cheat (he’s not the only one cheating — you’re cheating, too! And, you’re cheating yourself). The sooner you figure that out and get emotionally healthy, the easier it will be to let go of him.

    This doesn’t mean it’ll be EASY to let go of him….that’s not quite the right word. It’ll just be doable, because you’ll recognize that this is so unhealthy for you. You’re damaging your soul, my friend. Living with self-hatred is terrible. It wrecks the core of who you are.

    I suggest you talk to a counselor about why you’re with him and how hard it is to let go. I hope you get healthy soon — because life is too short to live with all this pain, confusion, guilt, and self-hatred!

    Also….don’t you deserve a man who wants to commit to you? I think the fact that you’re staying with him — that you love him — despite the fact that he’s cheating on his wife and kids shows alot about your self-esteem. I think if you loved and thought highly of yourself, you wouldn’t be with a married man. Just some food for thought.

    Best wishes — please feel free to comment again, or update me –

    Laurie

55. Comment by Ruben on 7 September 2009:

    What if after more than 10 years and after trying different relationships you just can’t let go even when you accepted that the other person will not be by your side anymore?

    What if you prefere to stay always in the shadow because you know that person is happy now?

    I’m not asking about how to recover the love of my life, i’m just asking how to live without her, because even not thinking of her all the time, i feel her no matter what i do.

    When we said goodbye i was standing by her side and i told her i would love her forever. I’m just trying to find a way to break that promise.

56. Comment by Wilma on 8 September 2009:

    Hie Laurie,

    Thanks for replying / advising. Yes. I don’t have to commit to him. But I am, without realizing it. Whenever I plan to go out with other guys, I will inform him. And he gets upset about it…so, ended up, I will just stay at home…alone (not going out with other guys).

    Yup. I know I am damaging everything. Trying to get out of it still. He is avoiding his wife now. He doesn’t know what to do next. If he doesn’t have kids, it’ll be easier for him to leave her (that’s what he says).

    He’s giving me slight hope that things MIGHT work out between me and him. He even planned how things are going to be if he were to get a divorce.

    Whenever I’m with him, I feel happy and sad at the same time. Mixed feeling. Same goes when I think of the future. I’m really confuse and I think I will go crazy thinking about this, one day!

57. Comment by Angie on 8 September 2009:

    Wilma.. you totally sound like your going thru the SAME situation as I am.. Or trying to get out of. A word of advice from someone who has been in the same thing as you… Get out while you can, sadly these stories never end happy.. Like I said I am in the same situation, and trying to get out and I’m finally starting to smell the coffee, its a hard road once you put your full heart into something like this, but its MUCH better to put your heart into someone who will love YOU unconditionally and ONLY you.

58. Comment by Tessa on 9 September 2009:

    Hi Laurie,
    I thought i have moved on. i even mailed you saying i have. Well i did in the way that i did not think about him every day. But well last night i went for Supper with him and one of our friends. I thought i would be ok. i thought it would be so easy to face him. But wow it wasn’t.Just by looking at him he took my breath away. My heart dropped into my feet and i acted quite normally while i felt like getting up and just running away. i looked into his eyes and i felt my body go so cold. I know time will heal this and i know i should not have seen him. I am such a sucker. Why did i put myself in that situation. And i know why – i miss him so much. I am actually pathetic. I can’t forget him no matter how hard i try. I so hope that one day i will look back at this as a learning curve. and it really hurts so much again today.

59. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 9 September 2009:

    Hi Ruben,

    After 10 years of not being able to let go….I wonder what you’re getting out of your connection to her.

    It’s natural and healthy to have fond memories and warm fuzzy feelings for our loves of long ago. But, if you’re still thinking about her all the time after more than 10 years, then you’re getting some benefit out of it. It’s working for you in some way…either by protecting you from falling in love with someone new, or keeping you rooted firmly in the past where you’re safe (that’s the same thing, actually).

    And you may be idealizing her by now: thinking of all her wonderful qualities, and forgetting the weaknesses and foibles.

    I encourage you to figure out why you’re hung up on her, and find ways to move forward. Learn to love the memory of her — and be open to loving someone new. How do you do this? It depends on your personality and lifestyle! Some people abhor counseling, while others find it extremely helpful. Some people deplore support groups, while others love them. Some people dislike reading about love and healing after a break up, while others find books are the best way to learn and grow.

    I don’t think you’re still attached to her because of HER. I think you’re still attached because of something in you, something that is holding you back from healing and moving forward.

    Those are just a few thoughts to chew on….

    Best wishes,

    Laurie

60. Comment by AussieExpat on 11 September 2009:

    Dear Laurie and Your Readers,

    I have recently split up with my ex so that she can make things good with her husband and their marriage. They were previously separated but no more.

    My concern is that, whilst I do not want to get involved in the marriage, my ex is spiralling, yet to hit rock bottom, and there are children involved. The youngest are twins, just turned 3 last week.

    The tragedy is that the children will be effected and already notice things happening.

    I know this because my ex and I had our first conversation since the break up last night.

    In recent weeks and months, she has done things completely out of character. Last night, she claimed that she was broken, could not be fixed, and that she was not going to change, yet was still committed to making her marriage work.

    However, all this destructive, selfish and self-absorbed behaviour really commenced in full gear when the husband first was about to throw the towel in (she initially wanted the divorce), and then later said “I don’t care if you have sex with other men. just do not fall in love”. This was 8-10 weeks ago.

    Since then, there has been serious alcohol abuse (and passing out on a few occasions), cheating with random men, dabbling in recreational drugs for the first time, hanging out with crowds and places she finds pretentious. She has also become harsh and dismissive, etc etc. . . It is like she is a rebellious teenager, yet she just turned 38.

    This arvo, after our conversation, she tested and texted me, to see if I would be up for joining her in any crazy nights with no strings attached.

    My response: “It’s difficult for me to respond. Yes, but not right now. Right now we’re still bound together by many, many strings. Safety is my first priority for you. What this means is should you find yourself in harm’s way, I am there. Once we both know and achieve what we need for ourselves and from others, then there will be other opportunities too.”

    Space, time and distance are important, along with clear boundaries and autonomy, from each other.

    I don’t want her to fall. Her children have much to lose, and they love their mother dearly, but are all now beginning to notice that she too is going off the tracks. The husband does not seem to be prepared to step up to the mark and provide the emotional and moral support, but just let her do what she wants like a child. Financially, they are well off and do not go without want.

    My concern is now very basic – her safety and health – for her and her kids. It is beyond happiness, honesty and emotional wellbeing.

    But now I am no longer her partner, nor can I be there as a friend whilst she chooses to remain married, so I know that I am powerless to do more than care.

    Her husband is not stepping up to the mark, and is equally responsible for allowing things to transpire. I do not think he wants to notice anything. But to everyone else, it is all very obvious.

    What I do know is that she needs someone to tell her, when the time is right and she is ready to listen, that she needs help; that her current direction is not the best way to go.

    WHAT IS IT YOU RECOMMEND I DO FROM HEREON? DO I KEEP A DOOR OPEN, FOR SAFETY’S SAKE, BUT WITHOUT COMPROMISING MY OWN OR HER MARRIAGE?

    P.S. Later in life, I do want us to possibly make contact again. Right now though, I want her to be able to get through this, but I do not want her or her kids to lose out.

    Yours and your reader’s advice would be much appreciated.

    Aussie Expat

61. Comment by AussieExpat on 11 September 2009:

    In addition to above>>>

    This is a very difficult time for us both, but in very different ways.

    It is a double-edged sword – Do I stand by her to ensure she is safe, only to get pulled down myself in the process? Do I give her space, assuming she may make contact when and if things settle? Or, do I completely walk away and never make contact again?

    We both live very close to each other, in a city whereby the Island is like a village but with lots of temptations and hardness.

    I await your feedback.

    Thanks, AE

62. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 11 September 2009:

    Dear AussieExpat,

    It’s so difficult to give advice to someone in your situation! I understand your being torn in two — wanting to help her, yet wanting to maintain healthy boundaries.

    From what I can tell, you and she may not be able to have a healthy relationship in which you stand by her to make sure she is safe. I don’t know for sure what the right thing to do is, but my thoughts keep revolving around the idea that it may be better to let go of her because you love her. She may not be able to handle a healthy relationship with you — and you may not be objective enough to set and maintain healthy boundaries.

    Though my feeling is that it might be better to let her go, I don’t know you or her, and I don’t know her emotional or psychological state of health.

    My best suggestion is to call a help or distress line, or see a counselor. Talking to a trained professional in person may help you sort through your conflicted feelings. Plus, an objective professional will see what’s going on beneath all the things you describe…when we’re in the middle of the forest, we can’t see all the trees!

    I’m sorry there aren’t any easy answers. Sometimes the best thing we can do for people is to let them go no matter how much we love and want to help them. I don’t know if this is one of those times, but I can see that it’s complicated, emotional, and potentially damaging for everyone involved.

    Maybe taking a few weeks’ break would be good — just take a step back for at least two months, to give you and her a chance to catch your breath and think things through, when the emotions aren’t so strong.

    Keep in touch — feel free to give us an update when you’re ready.

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

63. Comment by jenjen on 13 September 2009:

    thank you so much!this will help me a lot =)

64. Comment by Robin on 14 September 2009:

    It’s interesting the people throw the word “love” around so easily. It’s also notable that the physiological changes that the brain undergoes during drug addiction are similar to those that take place in the brains of people who describe themselves as being “in love”.

    There are a WHOLE LOT of codependent people in the world, including myself. (I’m going through the process of detaching from a man who’s a decent guy, but doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I don’t want one with him either, unless he makes some changes; but you cannot make a person change.) There is absolutely nothing you can do or say to make someone change. You have NO CONTROL whatsoever over what other people want nor the way they behave. Internalizing that fact would save people a lot of heartache.

    The thing to do in a situation where someone is not giving you the kind of relationship you want and deserve is to DETACH. Break the addiction and detach. It much easier said than done, but it’s necessary for your own sanity.

    Read some books on codependency (Codependence and the Power of Detachment is a good one), and visit Co-Dependents Anonymous (coda.org).

65. Comment by Tessa on 14 September 2009:

    Hi Robin,
    After reading your comment from yesterday i realised that i am a codependant.I seem not to be able to function alone. It is as if i always need someone to love me and make me feel loved.It’s hard to try assemble myself after 13 years of marraige as i lost myself such a long time ago and i don’t really know what i want in my life. i promised myself that i am going to take time out from men.

    To detach from someone who was your world for a year is so hard.

66. Comment by Mwasi on 17 September 2009:

    Hi Laurie..it has been so gud reading from what u advice pple,i have learnt a lot since i was in a very difficult tym to the point that i ddnt want to live in this world…i was in a relationshp wt a guy whon i truly loved and believed he was the one to be my husband in future,just for one day he asked me abt my past rship bse i lav hm so much i cudnt hide that i was datin a guy who was in a relationshp bt since i came to realize that guy wl neva be mine i decided to move on with my life,ma bf got upset wt that,he cudnt speak to me,he said he hs lost trust in me and frm wat he hs seen frm my past rship he thnks that i can date sm1 else whle bng with hm,he totaly changd from thea and he tod me that he real needs to be alone nw and enjoy hs life as a single guy,i was so depressed coz i truly lav dt guy,he hs bin avoiding me bt i came to accept the reality and live my life as new bt the problem is that i cant stop thnkng of him and thea are times i even call or text him and get back hurtful answers,what do i do

67. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 17 September 2009:

    Hi Mwasi,

    Thanks for your comment…I’m sorry that it’s not working out with your boyfriend.

    I think the only thing you can do is leave him alone. Don’t keep texting or calling him — it only makes him pull away and want to see less of you! This makes you feel worse, and yet you can’t stop yourself from doing it again. It’s like an addiction.

    But, you have to take control of your own behavior and thoughts! You can’t control how you feel, and it’s normal to mourn and be sad that you lost your boyfriend. Letting go of someone you love is so difficult — it’s very, very painful.

    But, you have to accept that this is the way it is, and you may not be able to change his mind. Right now, he needs space and time. Maybe in 4 or 5 months, if you run into him, you can talk….but I really encourage you to leave him alone.

    To heal your broken heart, you need to find ways to let go and move on. This can mean spending more time with people you love, who inspire and encourage you. Letting go can mean taking a class, learning a new hobby or skill, or traveling. What makes you happy? What are the desires of your heart? Follow that path.

    Become a strong, happy, fulfilled woman. Learn to love and accept yourself. Then, you will find a man to love and accept you for who you are!

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

68. Comment by Mwasi on 17 September 2009:

    Helo Laurie…thank u so much for ur advice,am so comforted with ur words!i believe in ur advice and i promised myself to follow what u tell me to do,it real hurts but i have to stand strong and move on!you are right that our rship is not working and once we realize it a step should be taken frm nw wont text or call him,jus like how u said am ready to give him space,ur advice hv awaken me and i hv to stop holding on to impossible love.Thank u dear,stay blessed!

69. Comment by sweet lady on 17 September 2009:

    hi laurie,i had been in relationship for five years,we loved each other so much until dis summer he married another girl because of tradition he is a muslim and im a christian;now i cannot let him go i had so much pain,i felt alone and sad to say im depressed;he said he will never forget me and he is there if i need him .i am very dependent to him coz he provided everything to me finacially and he someone i can rely on .now i felt my world turns upside down pls i need your advice im really hurts its killing me now!thank you and hope to hear from u soon!

70. Comment by AussieExpat on 17 September 2009:

    Hi Laurie,

    Thanks for your response last Saturday, 12 September.

    I sat on what to do for a good many days, even discussed it with my counselor. It even plagued me when I had been propositioned by a very attractive girl, thinking someone else would take things off my mind. Needless to say, that night I was not in the mood for sex.
    In the end, the answers were clear and obvious as to what had to be done. A letter was sent to my ex. I had previously only written two letters before, so it was direct and personal without being intrusive or confrontational.

    The message was clear: That just because she thought she was broken, it does not have to permanently remain this way or made worse. Even if in all the fog and darkness that, whilst it may not appear this way, not all is hopeless or lost. . . That her children needed her now, more than ever, as a mother and a person that is healthy, stable and safe in her choices. They need her to not quit on herself. . . And that the real tragedy would be if the children have to repeat in life the errors or abuse that my ex and her husband appear to be going through or sharing as adults in their relationship with each other.

    It was an open letter; simply someone reaching out toward her better side.

    As an ex, I know that I have no responsibility any more, do not necessarily have a right to care for children that are not mine and, ultimately, I am powerless. Plus, I have said all along that I do not want to interfere in a marriage, if she is truly committed to making it work. The consequences of the letter could be permanently no more contact, that she defies others like a rebellious teenager, along with anger and resentment.

    In the end, things were said for the children as first priority, ahead of myself, my ex or the husband she has returned to. My ex may not be ready or accepting of assistance; her husband may not know or be prepared to provide her with the emotional support she needs. But now, more than ever, she needed to hear resonate that there were real options and that maybe the direction she was taking outside of her marriage – whilst being in a possibly very fragile state – was not the safest choice.

    I ended the letter, letting her know that I was really learning to let go, and that she would not be hearing from me for a very long time (and meant it).

    Chapter closed.

    AE

    Best

71. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 September 2009:

    Hi sweet lady,

    I don’t think I can tell you anything that you don’t already know, deep down in your heart.

    It’s time to move on, my friend. It’s time to let go of him and build your own life. He made his choice to marry another woman.

    Now, the choice is yours: you can choose to stay in your current state of pain, loss, heartache, and sadness. Or, you can choose to accept that you can have a happy, healthy, fulfilling life even after losing someone you love. You CAN move on and be happy! You will fall in love again — I know it seems inconceivable now, but your broken heart will heal and you will learn to love and trust again.

    I don’t know what your financial situation is, but clearly you need find a way to support yourself. Getting a job will not only be good for your financial situation, it’ll empower you and make you feel more in control of your life! And, you’ll meet new people, make new friends, and develop a new chapter of your life.

    I wish you all the best as you let go of this man and rebuild your life, heart, and soul. You mentioned that you’re a Christian; this is a great time to lean on God and reconnect with your own spirituality.

    Albert Camus said, “In the depth of the winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.”

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

72. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 September 2009:

    Thanks for the update, AussieExpat — it’s great to hear that you made a decision and found closure! You sound very healthy and grounded (which doesn’t mean there’s no pain or sadness). But, there’s comfort in knowing you did the right thing.

    Now you can let go, and move forward.

    Take care,
    Laurie

73. Comment by Aya on 18 September 2009:

    Hello, I came across this forum by accident. I myself have been going through a very difficult separation and i feel lost and confused. My drama started in 2007. I am from a very protective family and unfortunately i have no life experiences. I my ex back in 2007. i was not looking for a relationship since i was focused on my studies. My ex had baggage he had a marriage a child, and another relationship that he got into after he got divorced. After being told of all of this i decided that it was something that i didn’t want and i kept pushing him aside and he kept pursuing. He would show at places, spend hours on the phone with me and kept pursuing finally i gave into a relationship and i lied to my parents about his past because i knew that they would not want me to date him. I made him lie about his past and his child and his religion to my parents due to the fact that in his past relationship he was very religious mulsim that grew his beard out and his wife covered her body. I was the opposite of that, i was christian and believed that one can live life morally without covering up their body and all that comes with Islam. we agreed on the religion thing that i would continue being christian and he would be muslim but he was not praying anymore, keeping fast and all that. I was a regular white guy our relationship was wonderful he was caring, sincere, and all the good things.Well as the relationship progressed we start to have fights about his past because i wanted to be first in everything and i felt insecure that i wasn’t because he was my first in everything. when it came to the child issue i handle it very badly because in my culture divorce is not really accepted. I fought him over about having a picture of the child in the house because it reminded me of his past. I agree yes, i did handle our arguments very immaturely and i was insensitive to what he felt at the moment. We continued on the relationship and then one day he came over to my place and acted a bit funky and i thought something was up but naive me thought maybe he is getting sick. well he kept acting strange i remembered him telling me that through the job that a family friend ours helped him with he met this girl that he can he open with his feelings and past. Well i took it for nothing because i have many male friends that i go out to lunch with and i thought we had a trusting relationship where everything is being told. Well I was on my way to my finals on my college bus when a friends of ours told me that they saw derek at the club with our friends with a girl. I was devastated i called him and asked for the truth well he said he was seeing someone and he wants to end the relationship. i confronted and he told that he slept with her and i was so hurt because he promised me that he would never hurt me knowing that i was very protective of my feelings and knowing that i have no experience. I cried and wrote my finals, i was so hurt emotionally that i had to be put on sleeping tablets to numb the hurt. well my parents found out the truth because i told everything that i had hid from them and they were upset with me. Given that i was 23 at that time in life. Well my ex sent me emails saying that he was sorry but he needs to move on and that it is over. i accepted it and left him alone i didn’t call or go back over to his place. less than a week after he had friends calling me up asking where i am and what i am doing. Then a week after he text me and said sorry and i know u said i should contact u but i am anyway. He kept sending me text messages begging me back and would show on campus with flowers saying he is sorry and stupid, vulnerable me fell for it and got back involve again without telling my parents. Well dad found out when he cleaned out my car and saw a receipt of my ex. dad was mad but he said it was my life. well at that time my license got expired and realized that my college messed up on my immigration stuff and i decided to ask my ex if we can do a marriage, since when we got back involved in after the breakup i made it clear that i want marriage and he agreed.we planned to get engaged and marry after i graduated. after the immigration issued my parents invited him over and told him the situation and he agreed to do a legal marriage and keep the relationship as it is by me living in my apartment. Well how much more wrong can things get my sister end up getting pregnant that i was sharing the apartment with which was a shock and a blow to our family and my parents paperwork was not going anywhere. Everything started to go down hill and through it all my ex was a rock for me he would wipe all tears away and stood by my side and my family. My dad told him that his daughter is his granddaughter and rebuked me for handling issues that badly. Yes, i still kept handling it badly. Well after the court marriage i felt that i became a part of him and i saw myself as his wife. I decided to give up my apartment since i couldn’t afford the rent no more and the lease was going to be up and move in with him for that summer and move back out. It was bliss everything went so well. well one day a family friend of ours called to congratulate on us on the wedding and i told him and he was like what marriage are u talking about there is no marriage, i was devastated and yes i flipped out big time we had a huge fight. Here i am cooking, cleaning taking care of him physically, emotionally putting up with a roommate and i never ask him for nothing since my parents supported me still. all he did was pay for the basics. i could never referred to anything as ours, ask about how much money he has nothing like that. yet, i loved him unconditionally i was so thrifty with money that i shopped for myself at goodwill and was happy with what i had. the relationship kept getting worse he would introduce to his friends as his “ole girl” and i felt disrespected and dishonored and i would lash out. it got to the point where it was taking a toll on our intimate life and he was no longer interested. He said he was not there emotionally and we fought over that. Now here i am, he finally walked out and told me i need to figure out what i am going to do. He has had enough. not to add that his mother never accepted me or his family because they said i was christian. she was rude many times to me yet i never said anything. I don’t know what to do i have moved away to a different state to live with my parents. my ex and i were so close i was his shadow and him mine. i know i handle our arguments badly and i was immature about lot of things, i have apologized sincerely and asked him for us not to go down the road of divorce. He says he wants emotional space and time and maybe 5-6 months we can work something out but it would be difficult to start over. i have asked him for us to get marriage counciling but he refuses saying he has done that in the past with his first marriage and it was waste. I am deeply hurt because he said at the last thanksgiving dinner we had with my family that i was the best thing to ever happened to him. as of now if i call he would answer all my calls, but we quickly get into arguments. His new mantra is that he has gotten back relgious and he he now wants someone that would support him in his religion and he is not dating or seeing anyone because he is focusing on himslef and his next relationship is marriage. I don’t know why he doesn’t want to work on the one that we have. I am confused, lost, hurt, angry and everything else. I miss so much that it pains because he was my everything. I must add that my ex is from a very dysfunctional family his dad has 6 marriages and his mom 5. I don’t know if this is playing a role in his life. I believe in marriages and not divorce and not when they are bumps we need to run. Please if any advice you have it is most welcome. I am only 25 and this i have never expected in life.

74. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 19 September 2009:

    Hi Aya,

    It sounds like you and your husband have had a long, rough marriage journey! Yes, his family background would play a part in how he handles marriage and relationship problems now. But, even the most difficult childhood experiences can be overcome, and new ways of coping and interacting with people can be learned!

    The problem is, he doesn’t like like he’s willing to rebuild your marriage. I’m not sure what you can do to make him change his mind — other than give him the space he needs. He’s asked for a few months to think and grow, and it might be best to give him that.

    Use the time apart to rebuild your own self-esteem, interests, personality, and life! Figure out what you want from yourself — don’t make it all about marriage and your husband. Instead, tap into who you are as a woman, and let yourself grow and flourish.

    Rebuilding your own life, support network, and sense of self will not only increase your self-confidence, it’ll make you more attractive to your husband! Sometimes letting go of someone you love is an effective way of reconnecting — not always, not in every case — but sometimes.

    I also suggest you figure out your own role in the marriage. If you’re willing to go to marriage counseling, would you be willing to go to counseling on your own? Learning about your own mistakes and weaknesses will make you a better woman, and a better wife in the future.

    I wish you all the best,
    Laurie

75. Comment by ziara on 20 September 2009:

    In respond to Laurie, It’s easy to tell me to leave, But when you have three little girls and the only one paying the bill’s why should i be the one to pick up and leave??????? I understand that picking up and leaveing sound’s like the best thing to do, but its not fair for me and my Three little girls and a house full of things that I brought doesn’t sound right. Is there any other way?????? Please help!!!!

76. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 21 September 2009:

    Hi Ziara,

    Okay, if leaving doesn’t work for you, then you have two options: ask him to leave, or accept the situation the way it is.

    Or, you could try to change him — but he’d have to want to work on the marriage with you. He’d have to be willing to meet you at least halfway. Trying to change people is exceedingly difficult. Some would say it’s impossible.

    Of those options, which would work best for you?

    Also — to get “real” help, you need to find resources in your community. The internet and a forum like this is a wonderful place to learn and ask questions…but serious help — like you need — has to be in person.

    Are there any resources in your area? I’m thinking distress lines, help lines, support groups for women, Social Service organizations — different communities have different types of support. You have to empower yourself by finding out what’s out there, and figuring out the best solution for you and your girls!

    It won’t be easy. But, after you figure out what you want to do and make a plan using the resources available, you will feel more in control. And the more in control you feel, the more confident and happier you’ll be.

    Laurie

77. Comment by Mwasi on 21 September 2009:

    Hi Laurie…i am back but still confused with what to do!the problem comes with my boyfriend(EX)..Ever since you adviced me to let hm go i ril tried but there are things which destroy my process and i endup getting hurt and walk with the pains everytime!WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?from the day you told me that i should stop calling and texting him,i tried it is ril hard.Just yesterday he sent me a msg and sound like he is very happy and normal like nothing happened before,i tried to keep quite but i couldnt i gave him a reply he kept sending msgz like he never was in love,he never had a gal like me everytng was okay to him,to be honest i felt so bad i nearly cried but i remembered that i should
    Iet go for gd,he destructed my day and my healing process it feels like i hate him
    But the other part of me stays in love with him!what do i do now,i real wanted to send him a very bad msg to explain all what i am gng through and to ask him to dsappear in my life fore!2day he textd me again,am flng bad,help plz…

78. Comment by Tasha on 22 September 2009:

    Hi.. I have been seeing this guy for 3years we have been though alot of ups and downs. we live together for 15months and thing was getting so bad he had to move out. we thought that was the best thing to do. we still see and take to each other every day i know he has move on with his life i am finding it hard to move on with my life i want so bad to get away form him. I need help bad…

79. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 22 September 2009:

    Hi Mwasi,

    You need to decide on a course of action and stick with it. It’s as simple as that — it will be painful, yes, but it is very simple.

    You have 2 options: 1) keep texting him and hanging on to the relationship, or 2) let him go and accept the painful process of moving on.

    I can’t help you more, my friend. You need to decide what to do, and you need to stick with whatever you decide. Both options come with pain and suffering and difficulties! But, I believe there will be far less long-term pain and suffering if you decide to let him go and move on with your life.

    Again, you have to take control of your life, your behavior, and your thoughts. You have to decide what to do with this relationship, and then you need to follow through with your decision. And, you need to accept that it will be painful — but that pain will eventually fade and you WILL be happy again!

    Laurie

80. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 22 September 2009:

    Hi Tasha,

    Letting go of someone you love is often the most difficult and painful at the beginning, when you first break up. But, it does get easier with time…if you can get through the first three or so months without him, the days will get easier and you will begin to heal.

    I think you — and everyone who is letting go of someone they love — need to focus on the long-term perspective. That is, the relationship is not working the way it is, and you know that moving on is the only option. The best and quickest way to move on is to limit or eliminate all contact. It’s painful and difficult, but it DOES get easier! Keep reminding yourself that this is the best thing for your health and happiness in the long run.

    I’m sorry you’re going through the pain, and I assure you it does get easier.

    Another option is to see a couples counselor together. If you and he want to be together but can’t live in peace, consider talking to a trained therapist. He or she can help you decide the best course of action — and if that mean staying together, then he or she will help you learn to communicate better.

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

81. Comment by Mwasi on 22 September 2009:

    Hi Laurie..thanks to be honest with all the things he has done recently proves to me that even if i happen to go back to him my life will be full of pains..i love him but i really dont want any of his contacts,i want him completely off my life i think the best way is to change my phone number so he wont reach,thank you for being there for us.GOD BLESS YOU

82. Comment by aston on 28 September 2009:

    Hi

    I had been in an intimate relationship with a girl for 5 years,however she always used to flirt around with people once or twice a year,did not like the same,did mention to her lot of times,she was financially dependent on me inspite of having a job.
    she got married 1.5 years back and got divorced 6 months back and is currently working and is outside the country i stay.

    I got married 9 months back,happy with my wife,but still have a very strong attachment to my ex,she does not really care about my emotions and feelings even if i attempt to call her and check her well being,have always tried to express my care and concern to her,bought her every gift she wanted to.

    Had met her 2 weeks back,she seems to be in process of getting involved with another guy at her work place,allows him to give her xpensive branded gifts and as she mentioned she is not sure if she wants to marry him,because of his rigid family values.

    I still feel attached to her,have emotional attachment to her,inspite she not being much interested in me.

    i wanted to marry her,but due to different religion could not work out the same.
    My wife loves me loads and i am life to her..

    Please advise.

83. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 28 September 2009:

    Hi Aston,

    I think you KNOW what the right thing to do is! That’s why you found this article: it’s all about how to let go of someone you love, right?

    You need to let your old love go, and focus on building your marriage with your wife. Staying in touch with the old girlfriend isn’t fair to your wife, you, your marriage, or even to the girlfriend.

    You can love someone, but not be with her. Love alone doesn’t keep people together, nor does it necessarily make couples happy. What does make couples happy? Commitment, dedication, attention, time, mutual giving, support, loyalty, and a common focus (or, common goals in life).

    My advice is to let the girlfriend go. She is part of your past, and she doesn’t belong in your present.

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

84. Comment by AussieExpat on 28 September 2009:

    Hi Aston & Laurie,

    I just wanted to add to your recent comments and concerns.

    Laurie is right, related to what it takes to making a relationship work and knowing that love alone is not enough.

    I would also suggest to you that honesty has a lot to do with it. So too does being balanced, healthy and safe in your choices.

    To me, it appears that your past girlfriend is co-dependent and that you enjoyed the control it had. It also sounds like, with or without you, she is not going to change this way. Quite possibly, as relationships develop and she becomes less satisfied in her happiness, an element of narcissism may creep in.

    They say, do not expect people to change. Well, I can tell you now, all the tell-tale signs are there for you to read. Laurie is correct – you know the answers. . . This world is too big a place to be stuck on one person alone making a dominant change in your life. Move on, let go, enjoy your life and what you have.

    Sounds to me like you are already on a good thing. Now it is time to be emotionally loyal.

    AE

85. Comment by bernadith on 28 September 2009:

    hello, i need help from anyone here.. i am filipina, 18y/o, i have a boyfriend for 2years and 3months, he is a filipino also,. he is married and with 2 kids,.and now leaving in canada with their mother. their annulment is still in the process but we are living together,. We meet through mobile texting,. even though he is 43 years old, i still accept him for what and who he really is.accept the fact that he has a 2 kids. I have a family problem, regarding financial and emotional so i decide to make some moves to help my mom,. i know it hurts for his side,.but i am the person who is open for anything,. and i don’t keep any secret for my self coz i want him to know everything about me.. there comes a point that i meet a man from saudi,. i told him also about that,. there is nothing happen between us and the arab guy.. i accept all my faults though but he totaly change,. he just treated me like am just his maid,. going home late at night and even at the next day,.i know his job and it is not in that way. he always go out with his friends every night,. i already apologize in all what i did to him,. but i think he has a stone heart already.. is there any way to make it soften again?the worst part here,. is that in my absence he is sleeping with another girl,.and doing intimate things together with his ex gf before,. and who is already married now,.. am trying to accept it coz there is no such thing as forgetting,. but as am trying to be more worthy wife for him,. he didn’t listen to me,. and when i talk to him he act like mad,. that i may lost in my words,. he is always putting himself in the right side. One thing that i am holding now why i don’t let him go coz of his parents,. they let me promise not to hurt their child again,.( he is hurt bcoz of his past x-wife) i was really hurt bcoz of what he did to me,. that i may not know what to do,. it makes me cry every night,. i don’t have anyone to talk to,. or share this problem with coz am just a home buddy,. i seldom go outside the house,. the only entertainment i have is this intrnet connection, tv, music.. i don’t have friends too,. thats why it really makes me sad..should i make some moves to go and left him,. pls help me,.. thanks.

86. Comment by Nidhi on 29 September 2009:

    Hey hii Laurie,

    How are you doing? Your Suggestions to the other members of your blog made me write this letter to you.Please Advice me also..

    My boyfriend left me without giving me a valid reason for our breakup.We had a 2 yrs of relation. He says he has got other priorties in life which he can’t disclose to me.I have accepted the breakup and din’t wished to ask him again to explain me the real reason for our breakup. I am really broken since i really loved him and adored him with all my heart.We both decided to be friends,but what disturbs me actully is his behaviour,laurie. Sometimes he is so affectionate to me and sometimes he is really not bothered about me(As a friend too).He get upset whenever i talk to other guys and asks me not to talk to other guys except him.I really don’t understand what is actually going in his mind.He touches me and sometimes he holds my hand. I made him clear that we don’t share that relation anymore but he explains me that since we are buddies so it’s ok! I’ve started distancing myself from this because all this disturbs me and make me think of my past which i really don’t wish for.

    Laurie,please tell me what i should do because i really have very strong feelings for him.He is very clear that i am just a friend for him nothing more than that.I’ve decided to let him go out of my life but he still lingers around my thoughts.Sometimes i feel that he takes this friendship also for granted. I am very particular about every relation that i make.I made him clear that if he is not intrested in friendship also then he should let me know,but he says he enjoy being with me and loves my company as a friend.

    Please Help me!

87. Comment by leomum on 29 September 2009:

    Hi all….I know what you are all going through but for me things are a little different. I was with my ex for almost 3 years and knew almost the moment we met I was going to marry him. I was living in America and knew that I needed to stop living in his shadow for the relationship to work so decided to come back to the UK to get my degree. We didn’t speak about my leaving, on the day I left he cried and asked me not to go but we both knew it had to be done. Things were fine for a couple of months but then he just stopped trying. I would stay up late to talk to him but he would be busy. I would message him and there would be no response. So I ended things. I knew I had made a mistake and we got back together soon after but I don’t think he ever really forgave me.
    I went back out to see him twice in 3 months but his friends could not accept that I wanted to be with him so things weren’t the same. We had arranged for him to visit for my sisters wedding but even then there was no communication from him. I was so tired of always being the one who made the effort. He honestly believed that an email here and there would be enough to hold us together. So four days before he was due to visit I broke up with him. he had actually told me that he would never choose me over his family, and I thought what the hell am I putting myself through this for? I never asked him to choose it was part of a stupid conversation that turned into a stupid argument, but still…
    That was 5 years ago and I am engaged to someone else and have a beautiful baby boy but I know I will never love anyone the way I loved my ex. Time has not helped me at all. The pain is still as raw now as it ever was and I know that isn’t fair on my partner but I can’t help it. I am carrying around the blame for leaving the man I knew with all my heart was “the one” and he has never accepted his part in the break up. I don’t know if this will ever go away but I just needed to get it out.

88. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 30 September 2009:

    Bernadith,

    My advice for you is to get out of this relationship AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. You are 18 years old, and a 43 years old. That’s tricky in itself — but that he’s cheating on you and doesn’t trust you is not a sign of a healthy relationship.

    I think you should let go of him. Yes, you love him and yes, it will hurt alot…but he is not treating you right.

    When you are in a healthy relationship, you feel loved, respected, and cherished. Your self-esteem and self-confidence is built up, and you feel like you can achieve any goals you set. You do NOT cry every night, and you are NOT held hostage by your boyfriend’s parents.

    I hope you can let him go (because I think you know this is the right thing to do). I think this is one of those things that is really difficult to do, but that you won’t regret when you heal from the pain of losing him.

    I’m sorry I don’t see the “happily ever after” in this…but I think you should respect yourself and move on.

    Best wishes — and come back anytime to let me know how things are going –

    Laurie

89. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 30 September 2009:

    Hi Holli,

    I’m curious about your remark about “resorting” to counseling. Counseling — both couples and individual — can be the best thing you could do for yourself and your relationship!

    But that’s cool if it’s not for you…

    Reading books about overcoming physical or emotional infidelity can be a great way to learn to trust and rebuild your relationship.

    Also, you have to remember that it takes TIME to trust someone again. My friend’s husband cheated on her about six years ago with her best friend, and she is finally beginning to feel that she trusts him again. It took a long time of counseling and serious effort on both their parts — they’re Christian, and I think that helped them cope with it.

    Another possibility is couples classes, retreats, or workshops. My husband and I took a “nonviolent communication” class through our local community education, and it really helped us learn how to interact better. That was three years ago, and we still draw on what we learned together.

    Finally, I suggest you try and figure out why you can’t get over this whole thing. Maybe there are other factors that make it difficult for you to forgive and let it go — I don’t know (and that’s what the purpose of counseling is: to help you uncover what you can’t see, and what others can’t possibly discern over the internet!).

    To get to the root of your difficult without counseling, you could sit and write out the top 5 reasons you can’t trust him again. Write down the silliest, the most seemingly meaningless reasons — and the ones that first spring to mind. One of those may be the true reason you can’t trust him again….and the sooner you figure that out, the easier it may be to learn to trust him.

    I wish you all the best, and welcome you to return and share your thoughts anytime!

    Laurie

90. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 30 September 2009:

    Hi Nidhi,

    I think the idea of distancing yourself from him is the best idea! It’s very, very difficult to remain friends with someone you once loved without crossing certain boundaries — and he clearly doesn’t respect those boundaries (because touching you and holding your hand is not appropriate at all).

    My advice is to let him go without seeing him at all anymore. I don’t think you’ll be able to convince him to behave the way he should with you…he wants his cake and he wants to eat it, too! In other words, he wants the best of both worlds.

    At this point, it doesn’t matter if he loves your company as a friend… you have to look after yourself and build healthy, happy relationships. In this case, I believe it means letting him go.

    I’m sorry I don’t have a better solution…and I hope you can be strong and courageous, and let him go.

    I invite you to update me anytime.

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

91. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 30 September 2009:

    Hi Leomum,

    Thank you for sharing your story — and I’m so sorry it’s this hard for you to let go of someone you love!

    Remember that we tend to idealize those we have let go, and we idealize those relationships. Often, after we lose someone, we remember only the best parts of their personality and the relationship…and we forget the struggles and difficulties.

    We look back with rose-colored glasses — and we forget that if we had stayed together, we’d be dealing with all sorts of problems and struggles! In fact, we might not even be with the person today if we had stayed with them in the past.

    I hope this makes sense, and that it helps. Honestly, when I start wishing I had someone back in my life, it helps me to remember that I could be making the relationship better in my memory than it was in real life.

    Best wishes — and I hope your heart does heal one day.

    Laurie

92. Comment by Nidhi on 30 September 2009:

    Hey Laurie!

    I would sincerely like to thankyou for your suggestion and will look forward to follow them too. It’s true that it goes really tough at my end to convince him for the way he should be..He’s really not bothered and even i feel the same way as you have given your suggestion to me.

    But what is bothering me is that since we are in same collage and in same grade we have to see each other every friday’s and saturday’s,In this case what should i do??Seeing him makes me really upset and i get weak from inside.

    Laurie,i am bit disheartened by all tht has happened and due to this i am unable to concentrate on my job and studies too because the past is still holding place in my head and it totally disturbs me.

    I wish i just to get out of my past as soon as possible!

    Thankyou once again my dear friend,Laurie!

    Take Care
    Godbless You!

93. Comment by David on 4 October 2009:

    hi.. I didnt stumble across this site on accident.. I went searching for it. Ive been in a relationship with a woman for 4.5 years, and we ended it 6 months ago. I still see her every day, and I still love her very dearly. my problem is this.. I cant let go. I made a boatload of mistakes in our relationship, (not infedility or anything like that) I changed alot without realizing it, and began to shut down emotionally. the day to day stuff became so important that we ended up not making time for eachother. I got hurt on the job and got hung up on painkillers due to that injury which further distanced me from my emotions. I realize now through therapy what happend, and some of the reasons why. she has started looking on dating sites again, and one of the things she put is that she wants someone that will put framily and her first. Ive done that the last couple of months.. making sure she had a fallback position, making sure she was ok, and her kids had everything they needed, (we have 4 kids between us.. she has 3 I have one). Ive mowed her yard, and Ive taken the kids to school if they missed the bus, she had her tonsils out not too long ago.. I went over there for nearly 2 weeks straight in the morning to make sure she was ok and not in pain. We’ve had s*x since the break up.. some of its s*x and some of its a little more than that I guess. the last week she’s been distant.. so Im wondering if Im finally being replaced and are no longer needed. She brought out the best in me as a person, only a little too late I guess. any advice for a guy who just cant let go?

94. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 5 October 2009:

    Hi David,

    It sounds like quite the journey you’ve been through with this lady friend!

    Letting go of someone you love often requires that you stop seeing her or him. It’s really difficult to move on when that person is still in your life! Especially if you love her, and she’s looking for other dates.

    My first suggestion is to stop seeing her every day.

    Secondly, I suggest that you try and stop thinking about letting go in terms of “I just can’t let go”! This just perpetuates the problem, and even makes it worse. You CAN let go. You CAN move on and heal and even love again…….but it’s much more difficult if you think that you can’t let go.

    I hope this helps a little. It’s a long process — letting go of someone you love — but it’s worth it in the end. (Though alot of times, we still carry our love for our past partners in our hearts…sometimes love doesn’t just stop even if you’ve let the person go!)

    I wish you all the best.

    Laurie

95. Comment by NGR on 6 October 2009:

    Hello,
    I’ve been in a relationship for 10 years with my gf. Lately she split with me and hasn’t givin me a proper answer. We’re in the middle of building a house and i have to keep in contact with her. She’s basically changed her answer everytime we have talked. She’s had lots of problems in the past and has 3 times emotionaly blackmailed me.

    I still love her and am finding it hard to let go. Everyone tells me she’s not worth it, let her go. But its hard when we’re building a house and she’s basically cut off me and every mutural friend i have. I don’t know why she’s done it and am totally confused. I haven’t cheated on her, flirted with any chick, hit her, abused her mentally etc.

    It came totally out of the blue.
    She was saying one week she wasn’t in love with me, Then the next week she was in love with me. A few weeks pass and we’re on our block of our house, she was excitied and 4 days later she decides to breakup with me.

    She’s moving on and going overseas to get away. While i have to live in our house for 6 months to save us 26 thousand dollers being repayed. What do i do? I did make mistakes but nothing that should have ended this relationship. She was always talking about a guy at her work and i got abit jealous and asked her if she’s been cheating on me. She got quite upset about it and yelled at me she’s never cheated in her life. I have been going through issues at work and have been quite angry and depressed over it. She knew it and i vented to her about my problems. The day she broke up with me was 1 day before my work problem ended.

    It just makes no sense to me, i’ve been with her through thick and thin, she used to have anorexia when we started dating and i used to clean up her mess. She used to be afraid i’d leave her because of it. She got raped when she was younger and i went through counciling with her. She as i said, emotionaly blackmailed me 3 times and i still stayed with her.

    I know everyone tells me she’s not worth it, but i still love her. How do i get over her when i’m attached to her through this house?

96. Comment by NGR on 6 October 2009:

    I was also going to propose to her when we moved into the house and i told her that before we even started building the house. She wanted to get married earlier but i wasn’t in financial position or even ready at that point. We we’re 18 when we first started dating, we’re now 28. I made a promise to her at 18 i’d marry her at 21 and she still held that against me after all these years. I was a kid and stupid.

97. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 6 October 2009:

    Hi NGR,

    I’m sorry you’re in this position — it’s difficult to let someone go when you’re attached for other reasons! This is similar to letting go of your ex-wife or ex-husband, but having to stay connected because of your children.

    If you can’t get out of the house situation, then I suggest you start moving on emotionally and mentally. This means limiting your contact with her. If you need to discuss something about the house, you might have to talk to her — but it might be best if you avoid “unnecessary” contact.

    And, start rebuilding your life so you can heal! I know it’s not easy — it’s very painful to let go of someone you love, especially when you’re not sure why the relationship ended. But sometimes all you can do is accept that you did the best you could. No matter what you did or didn’t do, she may have made the same decision to leave. You made the best decisions you could in that relationships.

    Rebuild your life by finding things that interest you. Get involved in events and with people who make you feel alive, fulfilled, happy. Go past your comfort zone, and start taking risks (such as traveling alone or joining an Outdoor Club or something like that).

    The more you get “outside yourself” and start exploring the world, the better you’ll feel about moving on — perhaps into a new love relationship.

    I wish you all the best,
    Laurie

98. Comment by Stacy on 8 October 2009:

    Hi Laurie,

    I have been married for 3 years, but we have been together for 5 years. I meant the commitment I made when we got married, I love him with all my heart but he has recently decided I make him miserable and he is leaving me. He also said he is interested in someone else. The day before this announcement we had talked about working together to make our relationship better. At that time he told me he loved me, was in love with me and told me we would work our problems out, that it wasn’t me, he gets depressed and started taking prozac 3 days ago. He has said he doesn’t love me and has broken up with me 3 times…I know I should have seen this coming. It just never involved him being interested in someone else. I asked him why he had broken up with me 2 time in the last month and he said he didn’t mean it, he was just angry and depressed. I am confused, hurt, angry, jealous, and sad. I do have an appointment made for early next week with a counselor, however I don’t know how to get through today much less 4 days until my appt. I feel like I can’t breathe, I cry all the time, I tell him I love him and I want him to stay all the time. We have to live together for maybe another month before one of us can afford to leave…I know this is making it worse for me. I don’t have anywhere. Its just not an option. I just want advice or some written comfort on how to get through the next couple days. I am truly heartbroken and can’t understand why he believes I am the source of his misery. He suffers from depression and has anger management issues he refuses to talk in detail to his therapist with me or by himself.

    (I suspect I have overlooked many bad things in our relationship and after some time will realize I am better off)in reality I am having trouble accepting this. I want to believe he will walk in the door and say he didn’t mean it he is just depressed and took it out on me like the other times, I know that sounds extremely unhealthy for me. It is just so confusing for me, he refuses to go to counseling. I don’t know why I love him the way I do, I just know I feel buried alive in pain and loss. The people around us just think he will come back which isn’t helping me accept the break up. I don’t know how to let go of someone I love even when I suspect they are bad for me. I just thinking about how much I love him and want him to say he didn’t mean it. Logically I know that is stupid because he will probably just do it again. I am in need of some logical thinking and a good shaking to get some sense back in me.

99. Comment by Jim on 9 October 2009:

    I am in the process of an especially hard breakup. We were only together a little over a year but she crept into my soul. My head is listening to these wise words and tells me that time will heal this incredible ache and each day will march into the next and she’ll fade. But my heart is terrified of that fading.

100. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 9 October 2009:

     Dear Stacy,

     I’m sorry you’re going through this with your marriage — it sounds very painful, and my heart goes out to you. I wish I had a magic wand that would make your husband walk through that door and be a different man…

     Unfortunately, I don’t have any magic wands or fairy dust. Instead, I have some practical suggestions for letting go of someone you love.

     First, you have to accept that it’s really difficult to face the possible loss of your marriage, your husband, and the dream of a happy life together. That’s very sad. You’ll need time to mourn and grieve that loss — it’s like mourning a death. You’re grieving the loss of your marriage hopes, dreams, and goals. I’m sorry.

     I suggest letting yourself go through the stages of grief: crying, anger, hurt, confusion, sadness. Let yourself be sad because this is a sad event. Shoving away your feelings or trying to avoid them will just make them worse.

     In your periods of “lucidity” — when you can think clearly and when you start realizing that the end of your marriage might be the best thing that could happen to you — I suggest making plans for your new life! Figure out where you’ll move (or if he will), what job you’ll have, and how you’ll rebuild your life. Will you take classes you’ve always wanted? Will you join a hiking group, or a book club?

     Talk to your counselor about your best options regarding letting go of your husband versus staying with him. I don’t know if rebuilding your marriage is an option, but the counselor should help you see your marriage and husband more clearly.

     It’s been a rough road with him. Marriage can be difficult, but it shouldn’t be this painful! You deserve better than to be with a man who puts you through all this. You know this, which is why you’re thinking of letting go of him.

     Even if he does just come back, he needs some serious help. Anger and depression aren’t problems that just disappear overnight! He needs to get his head together, with therapy. In the meantime, I think you need to separate yourself emotionally and physically, and decide if this marriage is over. Separating yourself will help you see him and your marriage more clearly — and with more healthy eyes.

     I hope this helps a little, and I wish you all the best. If you need to share, please feel free to come back anytime!

     Best wishes,
     Laurie

101. Comment by Lisa on 12 October 2009:

     Hi i really could do with some feedback. My Fiance has just left me after nine years and my heat feels broken and i keep tying to get on with new things everyday. I feel like i have had no closure because of how he went about things. I feel the same as everybody else upset, worthless, angry and abandend. I ask myself all the useual questions. He came home one night after band practice(if thats were he was)he picked an argument about his money and not explaining things properly to him. He told me that people at work thought that our relationship did not sound good. He told me someone thought that i emotionally blackmail him. Well i was devastated and told him that i should not have to defend myself and asked him what had he been saying about me. The next day he finished the relationship in a text messege then left me the next day whilst i was at work getting a van and taking his things. The following week he came to pick up the rest of his things and asked if we could meet up the following week to sort things out. He left me waiting a week and when we did meet up he was exteremly nasty to me. He said i didn’t appreciate him i didn’t give him enougth attention and that i would proberly have more s*x with my next partner than with him. Yes we were in a rut but did still have s*x as i then found out i was pregnant. The following week i found out and then saw photos of him and a younger woman on facebook. I sent text messeges telling him i new but no reply. when finding out i was pregnant he wanted prof and to know if the baby was even his. I was horrified this was not the man i feel in love with. I lost the baby and of course you know what he must of been thinking. He denied being in love with someone else. I know i shouldn’t have but i just wanted to know the truth so i went on his emails and face book. He told her he loved her more than life itself and that she was great because she was right i did loose the baby and that they can now get on with their lives because it was over and they could now be happy. I was mortified. When going on facebook i saw that he was messeging her on the night he finished it with me. He told her he loved her from as early as the 10th of August he only met her at work on the 13th July. I have recently seen them together it was horrible. I don’t know how he could just fall in love in 4 weeks well it was less than that because he had been off sick for a week. It makes me sick because i applied for his job for him and myself and my family where all really happy for him. I was the one who stuck by him through thick and thin when he lost his job. He has made me feel like i’m boring because i have woked hard to achieve a good job and i alway’s achieve what i set out to do. I would have liked to of gone out more to have ben more appreciated. I know alot of what he say’s is a lie because he wanted me out of the way but deep down i really think he believes is. Please Please can i have some advice as to how i can move on or get some closure. As i have never had the opportunity to let him know how i feel because he has ignord my texts that informed him i new everything. Lisa

102. Comment by Ms. C on 12 October 2009:

     I have a guy that I’ve been with for 7 months. He was so sweet at first and then the real him came out after the first month. He is verbally abusive and stubborn like I’ve never seen!! He will try to win me back with a few phone calls (that I ignore) and then after I won’t answer, he’ll go away and take my number out of his phone. It is soooo easy for him to wash his hands of me but I am the one who always comes back and asks him to lets fix this. I am so exhausted and it hasn’t even been a year. He would have been a good catch but I know I deserve better than him. Oh and he’s even tried to ask one of my girlfriends out. I know that is the ultimate deception but I let him explain knowing in my heart what really went on but I forgave it and kept seeing this creep. Anyway, today I am so fed up, I’ll be 39 next week and I’m not about to let this dude ruin me. He has an attiture now and not talking to me and I thank him sooo much for that! I still love him though. I am dreading the healing process.

103. Comment by NGR on 13 October 2009:

     I personally find the hardest part of moving on is finding a new routine, as for Lisa and I i’m pretty much over it. I do go up and down, but its fading slowly. I still think about lisa but that too is fading out. Time does heal all wounds. Its been about 2 months for me and I found venting to family and friends worked great, but in time they do get tired of hearing the same old story.

     I’m more worried about keeping my house at this point. If i can manage that i won’t feel like i’ve taken steps backwards in my life, more like sidewards.

     I don’t understand how people can throw away a sure thing over a maybe, it makes no sense to me. How can a person simply say goodbye after so long without even trying. Thats the only thing that gets to me.

104. Comment by Sean on 14 October 2009:

     Just wanted to update about a earlier posting: I was having a very hard time with a former lover, trying to be friends with her. She started dating, and I had a VERY DIFFICULT time with that. I was very emotional…was crying or being very angry, and often taking it out on her.

     Finally, some of the pieces got filled in, and I realized something: All of my friendships have been with people who I wanted to rescue – that I had to be NEEDED. She doesnt need me. She wants me as a friend. That was very moving and very powerful step for me.

     Ironically, now she is having problems with her new beau…and is asking me all kinds of questions about the relationship…

105. Comment by Ashley on 14 October 2009:

     Laurie,

     I have been on and off with my ex boyfriend for the past 5 years now, 1 1/2 of which we were seriously involved, but now things have completely ended. I am very hurt and devastated and need lots of advice on how I can move on and let him go already but it’s hard.

     We first met in high school and started a relationship. He was my first boyfriend and love and I cared for him very much. He did a lot for me and was always there when I needed him, but our relationship wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t very supportive, I always felt the need to chose between him and my family, our personalities would clash sometimes and I wasn’t giving him sex, because I just wasn’t ready. Needless to say when he went away to college he cheated on me, fell in “love” with another girl and had a kid with her. I was devastated and it took so much for me to try to get over him.

     During our college years, he slowly started to ease his way back in my life, often apologizing and saying he missed me and trying to see each other during free time (although, he was still involved with the other girl). After time, I gave in as I still had strong feelings for him and believed the breakup was partially my fault too and we soon became “friends with benefits.” He and the other girl stopped talking as he felt she was “crazy” and our casual friendship started to turn into more. We started talking all the time, spending more time together, and going out and I completely became attached again, but he made it clear he didn’t want a relationship with me just yet.

     I didn’t completely like that idea but I settled. (Bad, i know). Well things started to go wrong for him in so many ways and I was helping him out with any and everything he needed (money, clothes, shoes, food, a ride, etc), but because we weren’t in a relationship he was free to talk to other girls, which bothered me because of all that I had been doing for him. It got to a point where we weren’t intimate, didn’t spend any time together, he would ignore my calls and I would only see him when he needed something, but every time i told him how i felt he would call me crazy and say I was pushing him away (he felt that I couldn’t chill, pressed him too much, made assumptions, and was paranoid). And although I did do a lot of those things it was only because of the way that he treated me (ignoring me, not spending any time) and the things that I would see (like that he WAS and still IS “in a relationship” and involved with this other girl), but he kept saying that it was MY actions that made him do those things.

     Well it got to the point where we would be on and off every other week, but then as soon as he needed something he would want to work out our issues and tell me how I am the “best girlfriend and friend”. Well recently, he told me about how he needed money to pay rent for his apartment and under the assumption that we were working things out I gave it to him, although I don’t have a job and really needed to keep that money. He promised me to buy me books and to make my birthday (which just passed) “very special.” Well after I gave him the money his behavior changed and I all I got for my birthday was a text message, even though I voiced my opinion to him on how it would mean a lot to me to see him.

     By this point I was furious and I let my emotions control my actions (which I frequently did) and I told him how unhappy I was. He of course placed the blame on me, told me he didn’t want anything to do with me and that I needed “help.” Now I’m feeling hurt, confused, upset, bitter, etc. and like maybe things were my fault and that if I had just be calm we would be together. Its hard to not blame myself for the end of this when HE constantly BLAMES ME. I’m so angry and upset that he could never see things from my view and that after 5 years of being emotionally attached this is how it ends.

     By the way, I just found out that he was messing with another girl, because she is now six months pregnant with his kid and he could care less how this affected me because in his mind “I’m crazy.”

     Is this my fault? How do I move on?

106. Comment by Sean on 15 October 2009:

     Ashley: In a way, it is your fault, since you are allowing yourself to be used by this man.

     Forgive this blunt comment…but he is playing you like a 3 dollar guitar. You are being used by this guy…he has cheated on you more than 1, has fathered 2 children by 2 women (The ones that you know about…there could be more) and according to your post, he only comes back when he needs money, then he is gone.

     IMO, he isn’t a friend, and you are, again forgive a blunt comment, either being way too needy or co-dependant. He is playing a massive mind game with you, and trying to guilt you into this by blaming you for his cheating ways. According to your post, he sounds like a control freak, and a emotional and mental abuser.

     I am not an expert, but he isn’t a friend. He is a user, and you are his drug of choice. What I would do is to confront him, and tell him POINT BLANK that you and he are DONE like a charcoal briquette. Tell him to not contact you in any way, and for any reason. If he persists, change your contact information…granted, it could be an extreme action, but you need to protect you.

     Also, I would STRONGLY seek out help. Talk to a counselor or a psychologist/psychiatrist. You are suffering from low self esteem, and he knows that, and he is targeting that, because he knows that you will come a running and help him, as soon as he blinks him baby blue eyes, and says “I’ma scared…I need rent money”.

     This is a HARD road for you to take…it is going to be a lot of work, a lot of time, a lot of self investigation, and a lot of questioning your past actions. But…you need to do this for YOU.

107. Comment by AussieExpat on 15 October 2009:

     Hi Ashley,

     I have to agree with Sean on a few things. You are your ex’s drug of choice. But what I would comment it this – we are all equallly responsible, and we should all be able to acknowledge that every choice is that of our own responsibility and doing. It is just sometimes very hard, when are mental and emotional map is not programmed to take control of our reactions, choices and self-esteem.

     I am not saying you have low self-esteem. I am saying you are worth a hell of a lot better, and that the writing is on the wall.

     Do not even worry about confronting you ex anymore. If there is no honesty, there is going to be no true explanation, no matter what.

     Just appreciate that, at the end of the day, we as individuals are responsible for our own universe and how we live our lives. That you cannot share his, or aim to take control, and vice versa. The world REALLY is too big a place to have our lives dominated by just one person. There are many good, generous people, to grow and nurture from.

     Take the counseling; seek an outsider’s opinion; swallow the pain. And appreciate that time, space and distance does not heal. . . It is bloody hard to get through, but you will get through it, and you will by far be so much better off for it.

     I am taking my advice to you with a bitter sweet pill, as I just saw my ex with another guy for the first time since she told me she was committed to making things work with her now husband… Deep inside, we know the truth. But on the outside, we have no control; we are projecting, and often making assumptions that are incorrect or squired from reality..,

     Find the strength to move on, let go, and lose the anger. You will still love the person, but that love right now is not being respected, and you deserve a hell of a lot better. You deserve respect to match your values. And you need to know what you want in life. (That answer may have more to do with other things, and not solely dependent on relationships).

     Let us know how you go in 2-3 months time, and best of luck.

     AE

108. Comment by AussieExpat on 15 October 2009:

     Hey AShley,

     A big oom-pa-pa. . . “And appreciate that time, space and distance DOES* heal”

     P.S. A tad tipsy tonight, just before a race, after seeing my ex with another man. She is still married – not divorced – and there are kids. And, we only just caught up after the first time in months, last Thursday. Talk about complicated, but such is life!

     Best, AE

109. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 16 October 2009:

     Dear Lisa,

     I’m sorry for taking so long to respond to your comment — I’m exploring Prague, Czech (vacation) right now and am only online an hour or so a day.

     My heart goes out to you: 9 years is a LONG time to be engaged without being married! I’m curious why you two didn’t marry sooner, and if that reason perhaps contributed to the breakup and your ex-fiance’s behavior now.

     I wrote an article for you about letting go of someone you love when you don’t have relationship closure. Just click on the link below, and it should take you right there. If you’d like more info, just let me know — I do plan to write a second article about letting go when you don’t have closure!

     How to Let Go of Someone You Love – No Relationship Closure

     I hope it helps a little, and that you can move on and start healing your broken heart…

     Best wishes,
     Laurie

110. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 October 2009:

     Hi Ashley,

     Thanks for sharing about your relationship here — it’s been a long journey for you!

     I don’t think you should think about whose “fault” it is in broken relationships and loving someone who isn’t necessarily the best person for you. You were making the best decisions you could at the time, you were following your heart, and you were acting out of love. There’s nothing wrong with that!

     The important thing now is to learn from your experience. What would you do differently in a new love relationship? What were your mistakes with this boyfriend? What do you know about him, and how should that affect your decisions about him in the future? (if he decides to come back to you yet again, which he might).

     Also — why were you so willing to give and give and give to him, and keep giving even when he treated you so badly? Figuring that out will help in all your relationships, not just with your future boyfriends. We teach people how to treat us by what we allow and don’t allow…and you might have allowed too much in that relationship. It’s worthwhile to look at that, I think.

     Letting go of someone you love is so difficult. You need to give yourself time to heal and regroup. Don’t let this experience taint your future ones, but do learn from it!

     You might find the article about helpful, about letting go of someone you love when there’s been no relationship closure.

     I hope this helps a little, and welcome you back if you have more questions or comments…

     Laurie

111. Comment by Tina on 19 October 2009:

     Hello,
     I am struggling to get over someone right now. I fell in love with the wrong person. Actually its a girl and she already has a boyfriend now but before that she told me she had feelings for me when i hugged her and then she kissed me. It lasted for a very little time and then she started having regrets saying that we should end this relationship because she was not a lesbian. I also didnt want to be called by that name but i dont know how i still love her, i tried to be the perfect one for months i have been struggling to win her back recently she said she never loved me but only as a sister…I don’t know whats wrong with me, i really need to get over all this. I am not a lesbian and i don’t feel attracted by girls, i never went out with a boy either but i had a lot of crushes when i was in high school. Its still painful for me because i miss all those moments we shared but i know it was never meant to be..i dont know how to let go of all this…please help me about it..was that even love? im very confused..

     Tina

112. Comment by Sean on 19 October 2009:

     Tina:

     Given how you are talking, I am assuming that you are a young woman aka in high school. Do not take my comment as negative, or do not put a negative context to what I am saying, but are you sure that you are gay or bisexual? It is more common than you think, and at your age, you are most likely exploring your sexuality and trying to find out who you are.

     If I were you, I would go to a library and see if they have any books about sexuality, or if you feed that your schools counselors are good, go to them and talk to them. If not, your area might have a youth group for young adults who are questioning or wondering what they sexuality is.

     As for your question…I don’t know if there is a good response. I think that you need to identify WHY you were so attracted to this girl before you can get over it. Another issue is that, from the way you are sounding, is that she was your first “love”. That is the hardest one to get over…because the flame of love is never hotter than the first few loves that you have. Just accept that, as you get older, that flame burns deeper and stronger, and is much more fulfilling. But, I think you need to look inside of YOU to find out the reason for the attraction.

113. Comment by Jim on 20 October 2009:

     My breakup, while not totally unexpected, was nevertheless very traumatic for me. I’m finding it very hard to let her go. It’s been over 5 weeks and I’m still wondering every day what she’s doing, how she’s spending her evenings, is she missing me at all, etc. I’ve tried calling twice but she’s not picked up. She did the final breakup by e-mail, not even having the class to say goodbye face to face or even by phone. I’ve written a final letter, saying I’m sorry for my part in the breakup and thanking her for letting me love again, even for a short time. I know it smacks of desperation and I’ve not mailed it, but I need to let her know how I feel.

     Should I mail the letter or should I just let her fade away. I just want closure, to make this incredible ache go away!

114. Comment by Laurie PK on 20 October 2009:

     Hi Tina,

     Sean’s given you some good feedback there! Thanks, Sean — I agree with what you said.

     I don’t know if you were in love or not, but I do know that love takes time to build. I don’t there’s any such thing as “love at first sight” because love is the result of long-term actions of caring and commitment.

     It sounds to me like you were infatuated with this girl (and not necessarily “in love”, though the feelings are similar).

     Here’s a link to an article I wrote about love versus infatuation:

     Love or Infatuation? 5 Ways to Tell If It Could Be True Love

     Also, remember that we can have strong feelings toward people of the same sex without necessarily being “in love.” I love my girlfriends very much, but I’m not in love with them (I’m happily married to a man). But sometimes, we get feelings of normal love for people confused with intimate love…and that can lead to confusion about sexual identity.

     I don’t know for sure what’s going on with you, but it sounds like you know you’re not attracted to girls. I suggest talking to someone (a wise, trusted, responsible adult) in person — I suspect you’ll be pleasantly surprised to find that many of your feelings are normal! Often when we suppress or push down the feelings we think are bad or wrong, they get worse. But getting those feelings out by talking about them — or writing about them, as you did here — can make them seem less frightening and overwhelming. So, if you can talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, family member, or any older person you respect and trust, you might find it easier to let go of your feelings about this girl. And, your confusion might be lifted a little!

     I hope this helps, and welcome you back anytime.

     Best wishes,
     Laurie

115. Comment by brandie on 20 October 2009:

     I was dating this guy for about 6 months. We went to the same college and were together practically evryday and 1 month before he was graduating to move from our college back to his house he started ignoring me. He moved and everything without seeing me and eventually told me through a text saying that he was sorry and did this because “he wanted me to dislike him rather than miss him and we were getting too serious to fast” and that he was “emotionally conflicted”. 2 weeks before he moved i also found out he started dating some random girl and he said that she was a “space filler”.. Ever since he has been gone (4hrs away from me) he calls and/or texts me almost everyday in the morning and through out the whole day. After 5 months of communicating but not seeing each other i agreed to see him he drove to my city for a day He never really mentions getting back together or anything like that…but He told me he was going to a concert next month and wanted to see if I wanted to accompany him.I didnt really believe him when he said this. Two days later i read on his twitter that he was going to the concert with his Ex GF that he dated for 3- years. I kinda feel like i am being used or something..sometimes i feel like me and him should stop talking completely but I am not sure how to go about it…?

116. Comment by AussieExpat on 20 October 2009:

     Hi Jim,

     Very quick comment to your message. . . Do not send that letter!

     As hard as it may be to accept, she has moved on. For what you both had, it may mean something. The reality is, love alone is not what makes a relationship work in the long term. It requires much more. And so, your love is not enough. Your feelings and dignity will not be looked upon by her in an equal light. Quite often, the message will be translated for the opposite of what it was intended, and receive a negative reaction in return.

     You do not want this. Your closure can only come from letting go. Sometimes, to let go means no contact for a good many months. Most importantly, a part of letting go means thinking of yourself and not asking about what the other person thinks or does.

     Hate to say it, but you have no control, right anymore or responsibility over her actions. This may be what is bugging you.

     We are all adults, whether we behave like it or not, and are therefore responsible for ourselves, first and foremost. Take responsibility for number one now, which is you, and move on!

     Time does heal. Give her the space she is asking. She is giving you your distance. These are the three things that will help seek closure – time, distance, space.

     Best regards, AE

117. Comment by AussieExpat on 20 October 2009:

     P.S. Jim, if you have held onto that letter, you should be congratulated! Self-control is not easy during this period but necessary. This is the only thing you can control, and it really does make all the difference. . . Burn the letter.

118. Comment by Jim on 21 October 2009:

     Thanks for the very wise advice, AE. I have not mailed the letter. As much as it hurts to admit it, I believe she has, indeed, moved on. I’ve GOT to come to terms with that. It’s just that our life together is still too fresh in my mind and it seems that every little thing I encounter triggers a happy/agonizing memory. Sometimes, false hope is a VERY hard thing to give up

     Talk about relativity… Our time together went by too fast and my time letting her go seems to have stood still. Still, as you said, I have no choice but to move on. Damn, this hurts.

     Thanks again.
     Jim

119. Comment by AussieExpat on 21 October 2009:

     Hi Jim,

     You sound like you are well and truly on the right track. Don’t worry – from here, it really does get better. The reason being – you are behaving like an adult and choosing to not lose control. And so too is she.

     Best regards, AE

120. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 22 October 2009:

     Hi Jim,

     I’m sorry you lost the woman you love — even if it’s not expected, it’s often difficult to let go! That’s why people stay in bad relationships for a long time.

     Aussie Expat gave you some spot-on advice, and I have nothing to add. I just want to say hang in there, because your heart WILL heal and you WILL be happy again. And, I daresay you will fall in love again, and you’ll be in a much happier, healthier relationship.

     Sometimes having to let go of someone we love is the best thing that could happen to us. It’s not easy to see at the time, but it can work out that way.

     Best wishes,
     Laurie

     PS Thanks AE for your comments! I love to see people helping each other

121. Comment by NGR on 22 October 2009:

     As time moves on I’ve found its gotten easier. In fact, I’m looking back into my relationship and seeing that this was the best thing that could have happened.
     I was on a emotional rollercoaster not knowing that it isn’t a normal thing in a relationship (Lisa was my first gf) My mind was very foggy most of the time in the relationship and as time has moved on my mind has become much more clearer. I thought it was because of the issues I was having at work, but read the emotional blackmail creates FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt).

     Lisa did this to me a lot, asking me to have kids by 30 or they’d be retarted. Telling me her workmates wouldn’t respect her till she got married and had kids, her boss said she should have anything she wants (which now very much doubt) as well as the stuff that happened when we first started dating.

     She called me up telling me “come over or you don’t love me” off course being young i didn’t know anything of emotional blackmail and went straight over to her place being upset. A few years later she was crying in her aunts driveway telling me that she didn’t love me anymore, I got upset and she just stopped crying and said “why didn’t u tell me” I told her every single day I loved her. Then we went on like nothing had happened. Even one time my mother and I got a call from her mother that she had collapsed, when got to her house and called a ambulance, when they got there she just stood up and acted as nothing had happened. Just about every time she was sick she’d over act it.

     That wasn’t a normal relationship and I deserve better. She’s even gone as far as lie to a friend thinking I wouldn’t find out. She went to a personal friend that didn’t know us very well as a couple when she could have gone to any of our mutual close friends, she was acting like she wanted to fix things but emailed me telling me she went there to just get me support through this. It was like watching Anakin become Darth Vader.

     It still hurts, I’m still grieving but it is getting easier. As time moves on I’m forgetting her on a emotional level but I don’t hate her. I have pity for her, i feel she’ll spend the rest of her life looking for constant affection and expecting to find someone that will give it to her. I’m pretty sure most if not all males won’t tuck her into bed. Yes, she wanted me to do that when i went out with mates and she was going to sleep.

     Not to say I didn’t make mistakes, I made plenty, but never anything like this.

     Love makes you blind. In time, you see through the fog and start to see what you really had wasn’t worth the rollercoaster of bs!

     My advice to anyone who’s JUST gone through a breakup.
     Keep your distance, give it time and wait till you can think clearly. It’s been about 2 – 3 months for me. You may realise it’s not worth the effort and moving on is the best thing that could happen to you.

     Some people will never change and in 10 years, Lisa still hasn’t. If you’ve done the mistake, live and learn. If the person loves you they’ll come back and you can do right by them. If not, move on.

     Just my 2 cents and a small vent

122. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 22 October 2009:

     Hi Brandie,

     It sounds like your ex-boyfriend might be using you, and I agree with you that it’s a good idea to stop talking to him.

     There are a few ways to eliminate contact:

     - Tell him that you’d like to move on with your life, and find that you’re too emotionally involved to be in contact with him.

     - Ask him for a 3-6 month break. Not having contact for several months may give you the time and space you need to step back and figure out what your want your relationship with him to look like.

     - Not say anything, and limit the times you contact him. You don’t have to be unfriendly, just brief. You can sort of wean yourself off him by letting time pass between emails or text messages, and not responding right away.

     I think it’s better to cut off contact when you’re letting go of someone you love. Staying in touch keeps the wound fresh, which doesn’t help you heal and move on!

     I hope this helps … let me know what you think and how it goes…

     Laurie

123. Comment by Aussie Expat on 22 October 2009:

     Hi Jim & Laurie,

     Having given some good advice, I would appreciate some advice in return.

     I am in a real dilemma. After more than 3 months of not seeing or wanting to have anything to do with my ex, she called on a Thursday night after I walked past her in the street with the kids the day before. Admittingly, I did make contact via email.

     There were tears, on her part. She broke down, as she is still married, feels broken, not sure where she is going. And there has since been a bevy of unsavoury men she has been with, drugs, etc. A real mess! And all this time, my message has been, the real tragedy is that the kids become affected and impacted by the action of you and your husband fighting like this. Especially, should they repeat your mistakes.

     The ex has been mad all this time, because I have treated her like a kid. And a few days later, when she called, I got mad at one of the things she said. I did not respond there and then. I gave it a few days, but thought I needed to say something because I did not want to encourage friendship if she did not know how I felt about her behaviour.

     Criticism achieves nothing. In fact, quite futile and the opposite reaction. Since then, I have seen my ex 7 times in 10 days. Twice being coincidental, in competition events. The other times, at my local near where I live, where she never used to venture before. And now my friends are commenting too, seeing her with different men all the time.

     My last message to her was “Please do me a favor. Give me as much distance as possible. You used me when you were reaching out, supposedly in a time of need. I did not want to lose track. I now see you all the time. It is simply not random or a coincidence, no matter what you say”. I was furious and had made it known.

     This is all about control. . . To stop this behaviour, what do I do?

     Do I treat her like an adult, and still with good grace, or like a stone? Do I change my route to how I get home? (I live in Hong Kong and a change of route adds 10 minutes). Do I avoid where I meet my local friends and have rebuilt connections these past few months, and opt to go somewhere else? Or, do I stand my ground and live my life, but completely ignore her?

     My ex sadly is off the rails. She has everything she needs but feels trapped in Hong Kong. Sex and attention is a form of control, but the kids are affected. What can I do to make sure she gets bored and tired of the games? I need this drama to stop, because it is also having a negative impact on me.

     P.S. Giving advice sometimes only works in hindsight. Right now, I am learning to deal with my anger, as it is this that caused me to react and give me ex a voice and control again.

     I welcome all comments and advice.

     AE

124. Comment by Jim on 23 October 2009:

     AE,

     Wow. After all the sage advice you’ve given me, I’m amazed that you had the clarity of mind and compassion to help others when you’re going through what you just described. You have my complete admiration.

     I wish I could offer some of the same help you gave me. All I can offer is the wish that your ex comes to terms with her priorities and accepts that some things need to be let go. She sounds like a very unhappy woman. 7 meetings in 10 days between a separated couple is definitely counter-productive to the healing and closure process, in my opinion.

     Good luck, my friend.
     Jim

125. Comment by Susie on 23 October 2009:

     My partner and I separated recently after 15 year relationship. He is from Indonesia and his mother has never agreed in him marrying an Australian. She requested that he return home as his father and her were both old and unwell. My partner said that he loves me dearly but he cannot allow his parent s to stress this way. He stated that this was their culture when they only have one son. I don’t believe this fully and believe that his horrible, interfering mother would do anything to break us up. She has tried many things unsuccessfully over the years but this one has seemed to work. He has separated from me and gone back to his homeland for 3 months to see what he can sort out. I am going through the grief process and finding it difficult to accept. If he does come back I don’t know what I will feel. Why can’t these people just let their children have a happy life of their choice and forget their prehisdtoric beliefs?

126. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 October 2009:

     Hi AussieExpat,

     That’s quite the dilemma…I’ve been thinking about it for a couple days now and still don’t have any good advice, I don’t think!

     If you can handle being around her and politely ignoring her, then that might be better than changing your whole lifestyle to avoid her. It might be worth trying this for awhile to see if it works for you.

     The crux of it is what you mentioned in the very last bit of your comment: how much control does she have over you? She’ll get bored of the games if they don’t affect you, so the trick is to stop getting angry (or stop showing anger), stop letting her presence or words affect you, and stop showing how she makes you feel. Eventually, she’ll move on.

     If this doesn’t work — if you’re finding that you’re too emotionally attached or affected by her presence or conversation with her — then you might want to take the next step: taking a different route home, joining different groups to make new friends, etc.

     I think this is what I’d do if I were you…

     Hoping this helps a little,
     Laurie

127. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 October 2009:

     Hi Susie,

     I’m sorry for your heartbreak — 15 years is so long to be together! I can’t believe his mother tried for all that time to break you two up. That’s just sad.

     I don’t know why some parents can’t let their kids live their own lives. Maybe they’re trying to live through their kids, or maybe they really believe they know what’s best.

     At any rate, it’s really up to us as “children” (adult children) to stand up to our parents. I understand your partner’s concern for his parents — but so many of us live apart from our elderly or ill parents! It may not be “right”, but that’s just the way it is.

     Maybe his parents know that a non-Indonesian partner would keep him away from them. If he was with someone of his own culture, maybe he’d be more likely to go to his homeland and live near his parents…and take care of them.

     How will you feel when he gets back? How will he feel? The only way to know is to live it out…it’s odd, not knowing what’s coming up in your own life, isn’t it.

     I hope you stay in touch, and let me know how things are going!

     Laurie

128. Comment by lindsey on 27 October 2009:

     Hi

     Its been 2 and a half years now since we broke up we were together 6years.

     I got with him when i was just 18 had a house together and a child. We ended on really bad terms. Although he sees his son me an him have no contact and have not seen or spoken to each other for the 2 and half years weve been split.

     Ive set up home since with our child and basically just got on with it but now the whole of the hurt an loss is building up an i just cant cope. I miss him so bad. I cant meet new people as it makes me feel physicaly sick. I just want my family back as one

     He now has someone new but from a very good source i know he still misses me also.

     Do i just keep battling to get over my loss love or do i fight for what i really think is meant to be?

     You get one chance at life an mine is miserable. Im only strong for my sons sake.

129. Comment by MJ on 27 October 2009:

     Hey Lindsey – 2 1/2 years is a while to have moved on. Have you asked yourself why you broke up in the first place and second – why do you want him back now. Do you want him back because his life is moving forward and he has someone new and your life is ‘miserable’. I guess I think it is important to understand those questions because you could work on getting back for the wrong reasons – of course for your child’s sake having both parents together if they truly love each other, are in love and get along, is a good thing – otherwise your child could be impacted further with an unhappy situation and/or another break up.

130. Comment by lindsey on 27 October 2009:

     Sorry a year and a half ha ha seems longer. Im miserable my life is well good im just setting up in business my house is finaly decorated an im not struggling. I say hes moved on hes had partner after partner since we broke up.

     During the day im fine lots to do etc but soon as i put my son to bed and go to bed myself i cant stop crying, remembering what we had.

     My problem is i wanna be in love again and its not like im not getting offers, its just ive this huge list of things i want in a man an the list isnt getting met! Ha ha

     It prob all goes deeper than all this an im joking about but i know ive serious issues with moving on an i cant do it.

     I prob need proffesional help. Oh an its not only now ive started wanting him back i always have i just used te break up as a chance to find out who i am as i was young when we met. Its just for some reason getting harder as ive not been able to find someone im really into.

     I wanna be in love again but this is stiopping any new relationships. I feel like im greaving, so many un answered questions.

131. Comment by laurie on 27 October 2009:

     hi, i am in a situation which involves a crush one someone, i met this person almost 2 years ago, she was the director of my company, and i a nurse for this company, i never paid to much attention to her, until that fatefull day when something caught my eye about her, it was a look that she had given me that i never saw before, and my heart fluttered. shortly after this experience part of my company was sold to another company, and her part of the company stayed with her and she remained the director, both companies remained in the same building but on different floors.

     Over the next several months, i would see her in passing, until one day, she singled me out in a crowd and waved hi to me, each time that i haden’t seen her for a day or 2 and we saw each other she would wave at me and no one else around me, and i would do the same, if i would see her anywhere she would look up to see where i was and wave, other times she would stare at me, and when there was opportunity for conversation it appeared to me that she was very nervous around me as i was her, this went on for several months and as the days passed i could’nt wait to see her around the job, i started to get my hopes up that one day i could say something to her or she would say something to me, like lets go out for a cup of coffee.

     Then to my dismay she started taking alot of time off, one day she came to work and anounced her retirement, no one knew, this was a big shock to everyone, she announced retirement on a thurs and she was gone on a fri, i fell apart, i could’nt believe this happened so sudden, i cried for 2 months, always thinking about her, wishing to see her, hoping for her, wishing she would come back as a volenteer which she had plains to do, wishing and hoping i could see her in passing in her car anything,

     Then the day came not to long ago when i found out that she is sick, she has a neurologic disorder that is serous, again my heart broke and i also found out that she is moving to be close to her family about 30 mins away from where i live, at this point i am devastated all my hopes that one day maybe there would have been a chance with her are lost and I didn’t have the chance to have closure or say goodbye, i am so down i feel as though this is the end of any chance
     my question is how do i let this go, i was trying to let go until i found out she was sick and right know i feel like my heart broke all over again a thousand times, i have had crushes on people before in my life, but never to the effect that someone i care about is sick and there is nothing i can do about it.

     signed brokenhearted

132. Comment by Aussie Expat on 27 October 2009:

     Dear Lindsey,

     As hard as it may be for you to accept, I think the answer to all your concerns at present lie in you.

     I site there being denial and an unwillingness to let go, on your part.

     People that genuinely care for each other, past or present, will never really stop. Just this capacity to care in a healthy manner changes. You cannot rule or control his life, and he obviously is not trying to do this with you.

     The world really is too big a place, full of wonderful people, to think your life is stuck on the difference of simply one.

     I am talking to you with experience. As hard as break-ups are, unless you think that someone else’s life is genuinely in danger, that there are lives at risk and that you are prepared to lose your self in the situation, you should learn to let go and never look back. . . This can be the hardest thing to do.

     So, the answer lies in you – what is it you are going to do to not remain miserable, live strong and move forward!?!?!?

     You have to build positives in your life, for yourself. No one else can be expected to do it, and not your ex.

     AE

133. Comment by Crystal on 29 October 2009:

     I just ended a relationship and in a way I feel relief. I met him four years ego, at the time my whole focus was my career,my daughter so I chose to be a good example for her. After she left for college I felt so lonely. I called him of all the guys who I said no to for 3 years, I happen to remember his number. To make a long story short, we have different view on so many aspect of life. He loves money, yet he does not respect other people’s properties. I love to read, music and art, yes I like the finer things in life but not to the point of just taking from others thinking it is ok just because there is a relationship involved. He did co-signed for my daughter’s student loan which he voluntarily decided to do, due to the fact that she had full scholarship and this loan was one time for dorm and food. Then I became his slave (my fault). I returned the favor in so many ways financially, assisting him legally with his affairs,driving his car for three days so he will not have to pay for shipping it. I changed my mind to move in with him in the middle of the move for various reasons which I found out. Now, half of my furniture is at his place and boxes of my belongings. How do I stop this guilt and communicate with him to pickup my stuff. I tried this before and he came over being very charming, but again he started telling me how he co-signed for my daughter etc. and the language he uses is unbelievable at least to me. The apologies goes on and on. I know i will miss him, we did have some good times together but in my heart I know this is not a healthy relationship. thanks

134. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 29 October 2009:

     Hi Lindsey,

     I think that after being apart for over a year and not having contact, you need to move on. You need to let go of him, my friend.

     You may think and hope the relationship is meant to be, but your wishes won’t make him come back to you! You can’t hold on to the dream of having your family back together as one — it’s holding you back from healing and moving on with your life.

     I suggest you pick three things in the list above (in the actual article “How to Let Go of Someone You Love”). Pick three things that you think will help you move forward in life, and put those things into action.

     What do you think — will you do that? Commit to those three things, and do them for one month. Then, come back and tell me how you’re doing…

     Be strong, and have the courage to move forward!

     Laurie

135. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 29 October 2009:

     Lindsey,

     I also have to second AussieExpat and MJ’s advice. And, I think that professional counseling would be really good for you — it’ll help you see you, your ex, and your past relationship more objectively.

136. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 29 October 2009:

     Brokenhearted Laurie,

     Are you still in contact with this person? I suggest giving her a call and asking how she is. She only lives 30 minutes away, which isn’t far to travel.

     I think it’d be a great idea to share how you feel with her. If she’s sick, she may not have alot of things happening in her life. She may love to hear from you, and to learn how her existence and presence touched her life.

     What do you think about contacting her?

     Laurie

137. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 30 October 2009:

     Hi Crystal,

     Thanks for sharing your life with us here! I hope I read your question right; I think you were asking how to stop feeling guilty for breaking up with and not getting back together with your boyfriend?

     If so, I wrote an article for you! Here’s the link:

     How to Stop Feeling Guilty Over a Relationship Breakup

     I hope it helps — and I hope it answers the question you were asking! Let me know either way, there or here.

     Best wishes,
     Laurie

138. Comment by Susie on 1 November 2009:

     Hi Laurie

     My partner called in yesterday and it is so difficult. I can still feel the love between the both of us and we actually communicated without fighting. When he left, my best friend said that she sensed he didn’t want to go back to Indonesia but is torn between me and his parents and culture. She agrees with you that I need to let him sort himself out and who knows down the track. I found evidence of Indonesian women contacting him through his parents email though he didn’t write back to any of them. If that is what he really wants wouldn’t he answer them. I don’t know I am just really confused. I will never forgive his family for this.

     Cheers Susie ^_^

139. Comment by Ika Cherise on 1 November 2009:

     AE – you’re a man. Tell me how men think. I met a guy online – 5 months ago. In the 5 months, we talk for about 8 hours spread over 2 or 3 days a week. Then he wrote me a “Dear John” letter citing distance and difficulty. Its weird that I could feel deeply for someone I have not even met but we talk SO much and feel comfortable in our conversations. I was crushed when I got that mail, I can’t say it was because of love, but it was a sense of loss. Then the next day – he asks to talk to me again. And we patched up. We’re meeting next month, for the first time. My “problem” is this. While he has always seemed SO eager, so loving, so everything – a bit of that punch in his tone is gone. Last week – he was away doing a project in another town in Germany. He emailed everyday or text. On his last night, before his return to his town, I called his hotel room. No answer. I called his 2 mobiles, no answer. Called several times, no answer. Next day, I text, he didn’t reply. Until he reached home the next day, he still didn’t text. I called. His reply? He heard the phones but he wanted to sleep. AND he said sometimes he needs to be alone. He’s never said that before. He also said – never ever accuse him of womanising. He will not take that. I want to know – is it NORMAL? for a guy to not pick up calls from his gf? IF he was able to? I can also sense something in his voice – the perkiness is no longer there. AND he added a pretty woman to his FB. The kind that he likes. Asian. I trust my basic instinct very much. Very much. We talked for hours last night – just conversation. I want to remember his voice in my heart. He’s a nice guy – but becoming too complicated for me. Too much of “I want to be alone sometimes”"I’m like this so you have to understand me” etc etc. At the end of the day – I just want someone who will be able to give and accept love, peace and who will make me, and allow me, to make him happy.
     Today – I feel like a zombie. I m not really able to think or feel. See, I have made a decision to no longer going to communicate with him via email or text or call. Tell me, AE – if he really likes me – he will pursue me right? I’m giving him some space – and if he doesn’t call, I will break down but I will survive, like Gloria Gaynor says. I never asked for this, I wasn’t even looking – but see what I got? Well, I don’t know whats happening next month – but we’ll see when the time comes. Thank you Laurie for the opportunity to vent – and AE – some manly advice will do. Thank you all. Peace in our lives.

140. Comment by Crystal on 2 November 2009:

     Hi Laurie;

     Thanks for your advice. My one big issue is that I did not date for so long concentrating on my daughter. Now I feel so lonely which had made me go back to him every time, just to have someone to talk to and I have to say he can be very charming, yet very verbally abusive and the worse part is that every move he makes is calculated to his benefits. I just hate the fact that I wasted my time and energy knowing that he uses people. Again, he did a favor for me and I believe I have done enough to be thankful. Throughout the years of working as a single mom, I became a loner and when my daughter went to college, I realized I really have no friends and he became my only social contact which at the beginning was hard to change my routines of being alone, but I started realizing how great it is to have people around, yet at times I could not wait to be alone again. I just do not know how to go back to when I used to have so many friends and was a social butterfly! After our breakup, I went back being alone doing my daily routines which I had done for so long and i sure have forgotten what it is like to actually have friends or meet people. It feels so uncomfortable to even try!

     I appreciate your help.

141. Comment by Aussie Expat on 2 November 2009:

     Hi Ika,

     Am emailing you to let you know, I have read your message but allow me time to respond.

     I am in a real conundrum myself. Woke up this morning with a hangover, living in a world where anything you want is acceptable, and almost completely morally corruptible.

     Quick word of thought though. Five months is not long, yet can also feel like a life time. How long did you know quirky habits begin to pick up, that you were not comfortable with? I used to think, anything less than three months was not a relationship but more of a “getting to know you” dating period.

     You CAPITAL letters makes my think you are a determined woman that likes control and direction. Is this correct? The only real person you have control over is you. I learn this more and more each day when dealing with children (not mine) and asking them, after the episode, what made them lose their temper. Kids are smart! When they do not know the reason for their ways initially, and you point this out, they get what it is you are really asking them and soon change if you show positive acknowledgment. But as adults, we are conditioned and often pigheaded in our ways.

     Your friend sounds like he wont change, and that you may have an image of what you want but cannot get. The gap is somewhere in the middle. Don’t lower your expectations. Just realise that some things in life cannot be fulfilled by others. How he communicates is not necessarily incorrect, as it may have worked for him all-along in the past. It is a protective mechanism from what is not right for him.

     Not sure if I helped.

     P.S. On the pursuing part, I have purposefully not answered your question.

     AE

142. Comment by Aussie Expat on 2 November 2009:

     Hey there Miss Ika Cherise,

     I just re-read your message. I am not really familiar with online affairs, as I like to keep it real. But I am familiar with the other kind.

     You mention girlfriend material, yet you have not met.

     Chatting 8 hours a week? Well, quite frankly, I would prefer a conversation with a stranger for this length of time than I would watching TV. And, there have been a few weeks in recent months whereby I think I have had such conversations over the week. However, I did not think twice about it meaning anything more than idol chat.

     As far as Facebook goes, I am not sure it is good business to prowl into other’s business. Next, it will be his own mobile whilst he is out of the room.

     Your friend does not have to justify anything other than be polite and honest. Take things at face value, in what he tells you.

     There does appear to be some obsessive traits or a hint of jealousy, lack of trust or control. Iron these traits out. The answers rest with ourselves. Thinking about things too much can blur reality, especially if you both are yet to meet.

     In the mean time, do what the Romans do – or other men and women – keep on dating and living your life to the fullest, until you do meet Mr Right. Just do not lose your self or hope in the process, and keep it very honest and close to real as possible.

     You know all the answers, so nothing I am telling you should come as a surprise or anything new. . . Just keep it real, because in reality, you are both yet to meet. Online, for me, simply does not cut it.

     Best of luck,

     AW

143. Comment by Jennifer on 3 November 2009:

     Hi I need to ask several, how can you tell someone is your sole mate?
     Here goes I met a guy ” tom” last year july 08 through the couple that live next to me, From the first day we met we could not take our hands off each other and one think lead to another and we slept together and the end I told him I did not want anything more than just a friendship ( very hot looking guy ) I am not bad looking myself 3 days after that night he called me and I went to see him and we kept this up for 3 months then he got very cold and distant and all but stop wanting to see me. Then the phone / text messages stop coming and in december it stop all together and I tried to keep in contact but he never reply and in January I met someone and started to move on, In january he called me drunk one night and ask if he could come over to my place I told him yes and he did I was not at home since I work at night, I explain to him if he left don’t contact me again, when I got home the next day he was still their, we talk he left I began a relationship with the person I started to see, Throughout me dating someone else he will text to try and get me to come to his home etc which I never took him up on. while dating my new guy I could not stop thinking about tom and it seems like he was dating someone also but could not stop trying to keep the contact with me, My January boyfriend and I broke up in september and I pick back up contact with tom we’ve been texting I spend the night at his place before he has never open up to me and when we pick back up he open up to me about what is going on in his life, his past relationship and the hurt that took place and his reason for having trust issues, his family etc I started to feel cool maybe he wants more as soon as we cuddle and wake up the next morning he seems to change again, he was nice and loving but I did not get a call from him for at lease 1 week then I got a text to say sorry he was busy or sleeping when I called or text him, I knew he was going out of town because we spoke about it but now he’s back nothing not even a Hi I am back in town. The think with him every time I tell him if he wants to stop seeing me or let me know then he is all nice and want to see me it feels like only when I want to let go of him an move on that he becomes closer then as soon as i stop then he’s back to no call no text nothing. He also say things like he wants to date women 20- 25 because their understand him I am 4 years older he ’s 30 and i am 34 I am not sure what to do anymore I please give me some advice. He tells me stuff that he’s glade I am back in his life and he’s glade we speaking again etc but he puts up big huge rocks which I don’t want to spend time breaking down, The think is I feel drawn to him and I feel ike i am in love with him I just don’t know what he feels about me.

     Please help!!!!!

144. Comment by christine on 3 November 2009:

     I’m such a mess. I married my highschool sweetheart almost 14 years ago (together 19) and just learned that he had a one night stand with a childhood friend last November. He kept this from me for just shy of a year and I learn that in this time period he gained access to a second mobile phone that only she had the number to. They kept in contact with this phone and I believe were in contact up until May/June of this year.

     In the last 10 years he decided to make a career change and I stood by his side the entire time encouraging this new career and being the supportive wife. In this process we have moved 5 times in the last 8 years in the pursuit of his career dreams and goals. Moving completely away from all friends and family each time. Did I mention that we also have four children together ages 5, 7, 10 and 11?

     I honestly believe that he is going through a midlife crisis (age 37) and I have a front window seat to it all. There is nothing that I can say or do that even phases this man anymore. There is no reason and he is walking away from everything for what? He has become incredibly selfish and has withdrawn from me and the kids. He has now moved out and wants a divorce claiming that he loves the kids but not me. I am so confused. Last month I honestly thought my marriage was absolutely perfect we had just gone on family vacation and as a couple went on an overnight to NY. We were making plans for the immediate future and talked of going on a cruise in the spring to celebrate 20 years together. I am heart broken and in absolute shock. Any advice would be appreciated.

145. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 4 November 2009:

     Hi Jennifer,

     Well, the first thing that springs to mind is the fact that you somehow found this article, which is all about letting go of someone you love! I can’t tell how this guy feels about you…but I can see that you might think it’s better to let go.

     I think if a man is interested, then he makes his girlfriend feel wanted, loved, and valued. He doesn’t run “hot and cold”, and he doesn’t ignore her. A man who loves a woman makes sure she feels loved.

     I also think that you know deep in your heart how he feels about you, but you may not be ready or want to admit it.

     This article may help you determine if this relationship is worth hanging on to:

     Love or Infatuation? 5 Ways to Tell If It Could Be True Love

     Click the link to read the article. I welcome your response there or here…

     Best wishes,
     Laurie

146. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 4 November 2009:

     Hi Christine,

     I’m so sorry about your husband’s midlife crisis and behavior — you must be shell shocked! And, with 4 young kids. That is the sort of relationship breakup that sends you reeling, especially after 19 years of marriage.

     A friend of mine was married for 23 years; her husband recently left her for another woman. It’s just so sad.

     I actually wrote an article recently about overcoming an unexpected relationship breakup — here’s the link:

     Overcoming an Unexpected Relationship Breakup

     In addition to the suggestions in that article, I encourage you to talk to a counselor or join a support group of some sort. You really need to surround yourself with people who care — family members, friends, peers — but also get an objective point of view from a professional. Getting that distant perspective will help you adjust to your next stage of life. The counselor will give you resources you wouldn’t otherwise have access to (books, insights about your marriage, exercises, communication tools, divorce tips).

     This is a painful thing to think about, but you need to prepare yourself to get a divorce. You may not be ready to think about divorce mediation, assets, and all that right now, but…it’s something that will likely be in your future.

     When you’re ready, here’s a link to an article about preparing financially for divorce:

     Preparing Financially for a Divorce

     Again, I’m really sorry. My heart breaks for you and your kids. Please feel free to vent or share how things are going — I welcome your updates, and am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

     Best wishes,
     Laurie

147. Comment by Jim on 9 November 2009:

     Hi Laurie and AE,

     I’ts been almost 3 weeks since I last got your kind words and good advice. Unfortunately, I still seem to be obsessing about my ex. She crowds into my thoughts a dozen times a day. I’m trying my best to forget about her, but, despite what I’ve read and the advice I’ve gotten, I CAN’T GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD! I feel like I’m going through my days as half a person, with nothing ahead of me but regrets about what might have been. I know that this is a self-esteem issue and I should believe in myself, but how do I stop my thoughts?

     Jim

148. Comment by Monica L.B. on 9 November 2009:

     I met my husband 16 years ago after I walked away from a relationship that was scary for me. I loved my old boyfriend with all my heart, mind, body, and soul. But I decided that I didn’t want to be in love because I needed to be able to control my feelings and actions. I didn’t want anything to have control or take control over me.

     So I decided to become this different person; kind of cold, focused, serious, and in control. So, I married this guy that fit the illusion I thought I wanted. 14 years later, I hate my life. I am unhappy with everything about him. I am not in love with him, but I have three beautiful children who didn’t ask to come here. I don’t believe in divorce. I keep trying to change myself or change him, but it leads to more frustration.

     I don’t know what to do. I feel stuck in a rut. Leaving him would destroy my children and the happy home they think they have. I am afraid if I don’t leave, I may eventually cheat. He is not what I want at all.

     I need help!

     Monica

149. Comment by Aussie Expat on 9 November 2009:

     Hey Jim,

     Hang in there! What you are going through is nothing new. It sounds to me that you are doing remarkably well, and that you might be experiencing the slow pain of grief and letting go.

     Just wanted to ask you. . . Have you guys had any recent contact? What was broken, in order not to get fixed? Why is it that you both know there is no future worth pursuing?

     If these answers are clear in your mind already, then you are already moving forward. Just aim to keep things neutral. Common sense says be pragmatic and move on, but we are emotional beings – even as guys. It is natural to feel what you are going through.

     These are just my thoughts, but it sounds to me that despite the pain, you are on the right track. It is never easy, but it surely does get a hell of a lot better. Each in their own time.

     I would be interested to hear what Laurie has to comment.

     Thanks for the update,

     AE

150. Comment by Ika Cherise on 10 November 2009:

     AE
     Thank you for your reply, although I do not agree with everything you said. Whether you are in a physical close contact relationship or a long distance one, you either make it or break it. For some, like me, this LD relationship is the way to go. I am TOO busy with my career to be able to “give” much physically right now – and our holidays once every 4-5 months together charges us both until the next time we meet. Being away from each other, we spend a lot of hours talking and building a friendship is one of the things both of use believe in. I have been in a few relationships before, but take away the s*x, etc – I find that nothing is left.

     I was confused once – but not anymore. I guess at the end of the day, no matter what anyone tells you, it still comes back to you – to me I mean, to decide for myself what I want, what I think is right for me.

     Jealousy trait in me? Darn, you’re good, AE. But I have learnt to let it go. I do think I am a beautiful person, inside and if there are conducts, like Jennifer up there wrote about, I’m not taking any of it. I want to be in a relationship where both parties give and enjoy what is given, where both parties make each other feel loved.

     We can talk for hours – and we laugh and have fun sharing many things together when we talk. That has to mean something, AE. I want to be friends with my lover – not just be his lover.

     Thanks again, AE. Sorry if I’m babbling all over – the weather’s stifling hot here!

     Ika

151. Comment by Aussie Expat on 11 November 2009:

     Hello Ika,

     Thanks for touching base again and filling in some gaps.

     I am by no means a counsellor – just a regular guy giving you a male perspective, as requested. And, I must confess, I thought you were not being completely truthful at first, or claiming to be someone that you weren’t and seeking to transfer. Hence, my initial response was somewhat frank yet not impartial.

     You seem to be an intelligent and a strong-willed woman. No body’s fool. It is great that you know what it is that works for you, and what it is in the past that went wrong. It’s like reading warning signs on a road map. Sometimes though we easily get distracted and miss these signs, only to end up a little off the tracks, so-to-speak. And sometimes, we get nowhere in where we are going but continue in circles. Confusing for everyone else, in return.

     Great relationships should balance each other out on positive ground, making people feel secure, valued and settled on many levels. Someone who “completes” or “compliments” you should work in sink with you, like making your own steps to a tango – you just know it works! From time-to-time, you change the pace, direction and style, and adapt. It gives you real faith in the meaning of your relationship.

     I hope then that this is the relationship that you are seeking and able to share. That this is the initial reason for why you sought an opinion.

     I think you know much of this. It is just that you are a very independent woman, going places. You will know when you are ready to settle down, if this is what you want later on in life, without having to lose your self in the process.

     It sounds like you live in a very tropical climate, so good luck with that heat!

     AE

152. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 11 November 2009:

     Hi Jim,

     I’m sorry to hear about how difficult it is to let go. I started to write all my suggestions here, then realized it’d be better as an article!

     So, click this link to get to my suggestions for stopping obsessive thoughts:

     Ways to Stop Obsessing About Your Ex-Girlfriend or Ex-Boyfriend

     I welcome your thoughts here or there — try one or two of the suggestions, and let me know how it goes….I hope it helps!

     Laurie

153. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 12 November 2009:

     Hi Monica,

     Thanks for sharing this piece of your life here…I’ve been thinking about you a lot since you wrote in!

     You’ve been protecting yourself for years, trying to be someone you’re not, trying to love someone you don’t, and trying to build a life that isn’t who you are. You sound very self-aware, and you know why you made the choices you did. The good news is, that’ll help as you re-create your life!

     Remember: “It’s never too late to be what you might have been,” said George Eliot.

     My first suggestion is to get counseling. Work with a therapist to get back in touch with who you are – and why you’re so determined not to be vulnerable or out of control. I think you need to explore that before you can move past it.

     Second, I encourage you to be open to the possibility of staying in your marriage AND finding happiness with your husband. I understand he’s not what you want…and I deeply respect that you don’t believe in divorce. So, I suggest you and your husband try marriage counseling. Focus on ways to reconnect and love each other. No matter what direction your marriage takes, a therapist can help you deal with the consequences.

     And, a therapist can help you deal with the “what if I cheat on my husband?” scenario.

     Finally, I suggest you try different ways to get unstuck and find happiness in life. I wrote a whole article about changing your life because of your comment. Here’s the link:

     Getting Unstuck and Finding Happiness – How to Change Your Life

     I hope this helps a little, and I wish you all the best as you figure out which direction your life is headed! Please feel free to comment on the other article, and update me on how things are going.

     Best wishes,
     Laurie

154. Comment by Kathy Datz on 14 November 2009:

     Please Help – How to you help you daughter is going thru a breakup where she did nothing. They have been dating for a while (they are 21&22) They made plans to spend Thanksgivng with us and he invited her to England for the Christmas holidays,=. The non-refunded ticket has been purchased($900) but he now does not want her to go bcause some told him she cheated on him(Not the case at all) She is so in love with him she woud never do that. My heart breaks that Ican’t help her. Why would a guy do this? and what can I do to help your more on?

155. Comment by Ika Cherise on 15 November 2009:

     Hi AE.

     Thank you for your reply. Firstly, yes, I live on a tropical island, the 3rd largest in the world so let’s see if your know your geography well!

     Indeed, I know the kind of person I want to be with – he will definitely not fit in 100% into my mould (haha!) but then neither will I ever fit 100% into anyone’s mould. Thing is, AE, a long distance relationship is NOT for the feeble at heart – when all you get in a day is a short curt sms – your mind starts going into all directions. Well, mine used to – in the past, but I don’t give two hoots nowadays.

     Life is TOO short – I have hurt before, oh the pain was unbelievable – but I got over it, in time, slowly. And I am blooming and happy and lovin’ my life )

     As Albert Camus wrote; “In the depth of winter, I finally learnt that there was in me an invincible summer.”

     You have a blissful Sunday now.
     Ika

156. Comment by Sharon Myers on 15 November 2009:

     Hi Kathy,

     I would tell her to explain to him clearly how she feels. If the “chap” does not believe her…?, You should encourage her to walk away, don’t look back, write off the $900.00, as a fee for a valuable lesson. Give her all the hugs and Love that you can muster, encourage her to hold her head high and carry a smile with her, and be grateful that she has a family that Loves her.

157. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 16 November 2009:

     Hi Kathy,

     I’m sorry your daughter is going through this — and that it’s so painful for you, too!

     I can’t speculate on why he’d do this…I just don’t know. But, a long-distance relationship (especially between continents) is such a difficult way for a new young couple to date and get to know each other. I guess I didn’t need to point out the obvious.

     To help your daughter, I echo Sharon’s advice above: give her lots of hugs and love. She’s learning how to be a woman, how to function in relationships and how to deal with the fallout of a broken relationship. These are valuable, important lessons in a woman’s life, and they’ll make her strong, wise, and self-confident (in the long run!).

     She’ll move on in her own time…she just has to work through her grief at losing someone she loves. Be there as she does that, and let her heal naturally.

     Regarding the money…I suggest that your daughter call the airline and asks if and how she can sell the ticket to someone else. Or, you could consider buying a ticket yourself and spending Christmas in London with your daughter! Expensive, but…if you can afford it, it could be a wonderful experience.

     I hope this helps a little…

     Best wishes,
     Laurie

158. Comment by Amy on 16 November 2009:

     Hello, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 yrs. It started out great! When I met him he really didn’t have much. I brought him up. I helped him get on his feet. I didn’t know he was such a drinker. He is a really good guy. He is very catering and he is attentive. It’s when he drinks. I have had to deal with CPS in my home due to his drinking. I now find out that he is still married. She doesn’t want him and he doesn’t want her. It’s the issue of money for the divorce. I am ready to go of him. I just don’t know how. My kids don’t like him. He gets drunk and calls me names in front of my kids. He threathens me. He has never hit me or my kids it’s more verbal towards me. I have come from an abusive background. Physical and mentally and sexual. He has helped me a lot when no one would have helped me.

159. Comment by jet on 17 November 2009:

     Hi,

     I’ve been in a relationship for almost 8 years now, she was my first love, I was really happy with her but then I found out that she had another boyfriend, I was really broken when I confronted her and she admitted it and then I tried to let her go but she beg for another chance she said she that I was the one she loved and she’ll do it in action to prove it. So I gave her a chance but the problem is the pain was still there and I expected so much from her to help mend my broken heart, but the thing is she changed drastically, she was not the sweet, loving, caring person I used to love, we tried working things out but I feel like I was the only one trying to build up our relationship again and one day I asked her what are her plans for our relationship she said why don’t we try to be friends, I asked her why? she said she wanted to focus on her career and she was not ready to commit. I was really hurt hearing those words I know I might sound selfish but I gave her a chance and she wasted it, what was the use of asking for forgiveness then giving up like that, she was not ready for a commitment but we were in a relationship for almost 8 years, then she could not focus on her work it feels like I was just a distraction to her. Due to my anger I told her it was over for us, but the thing is I said those words due to sudden burst of feelings, but she did not even care, she did not even try to save our relationship and just let me go so easily, I tried to fight for her, I forgave her for the things she did to me the betrayal, the hurt, the pain because I loved her so much, it’s almost 5 days now and she doesn’t even tried to communicate to me, I’m still confused I still want her but I’m so afraid of getting hurt again. It’s so hard to let go of her, she was everything to me, she was my world. I can’t stop crying every night I go to sleep or when I remember our past, I’m so weak. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m still expecting her to call me and ask me if I’m doing okay. And I don’t know what to do if one day she comes back and ask for another chance and my love for her is still there, would I give her another chance and take the risk of getting hurt again?

     Thanks

160. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 November 2009:

     Hi Amy,

     I’m sorry your relationship is in such turmoil, and that your boyfriend is treating you so badly. That’s not right, and you don’t have to stay in a relationship like that! That he’s caring and attentive when he’s sober isn’t good enough…he needs to get help with his drinking, and you need to decide what to do until he gets healthy.

     Please call a distress line, battered women’s hotline, or a counselor in your area. Don’t keep muddling through this by yourself — you need help and support to figure out your next stage of life. You need an objective person who knows how to help women, who can help you see what needs to be changed and how you can make those changes.

     Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233. I also suggest calling an Al-Anon group (for family and friends of alcoholics).

     And, I encourage you to start learning about why abusive relationships start and how difficult it is to let go. Go to the library and get books about unhealthy relationships, and read about them on the internet.

     I wrote an article about the stages of leaving bad relationship for See Jane Soar — here’s the link:

     5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship

     Amy, I hope you can find the strength and courage to take control of your life! It takes time, and it’s a process….and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

     Best wishes,
     Laurie

161. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 November 2009:

     Hi Jet,

     I’m so sorry you lost the woman you love, and that she’s not reaching out to you. Remember, it may not be a reflection of her feelings for you. She’s likely going through her own pain, confusion, feelings of loss, and wondering how to let go — or struggling with trying the relationship again.

     At this point, it may be wise to let time and space work its magic. Take a few months to heal, and don’t torture yourself with thoughts about whether to get back together. You’re not thinking rationally right now — you’re healing from a blow, a difficult loss in life — and the best course may be to just take time to heal.

     If you and she do get back together, I suggest going to couples counseling. Whatever your problems were, they may not be overcome by breaking up and reuniting. A counselor can give you an objective, professional perspective on your relationship, ways of communicating, and “love languages.”

     Unfortunately, there’s no way to speed the healing process…it just takes time to let go of a love relationship. Your heart will heal, you will be strong and happy again, and you WILL fall in love again. But first, you need to go through this painful process of healing.

     I’m sorry; my heart goes out to you. Try to keep the big picture in mind: if she’s not the one you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with, then maybe this is a good thing.

     Best wishes,
     Laurie

162. Comment by gillian on 21 November 2009:

     Hello Laurie,

     Please help me. Ten days ago my husband of ten years told me that he did not feel the same way about me anymore. We did have troubles during our marriage, mainly our inability to conceive a child, despite having IVF once also. The problem was mainly his – low count/motility but I never blamed him as it wasn’t his fault or something he could control. Despite this, I absolutely adored him and never thought he would ever leave me. He ran up credit card debt which he admitted to me a while back and he asked me not to divorce him! I just did not see this coming at all, I have always totally believed in him and us. We are having to sell our house and everything in it as neither of us can afford it without the other. I am having to move back to my parents at 36 years old after nearly fourteen years and now feel that he has taken everything from me including any chance to have a child and I am so devastated it’s hard to breathe. I know I’m lucky that my mum is great and at least I won’t be on the streets but I feel I’m going to seriously lose it when I move back and completely feel that my whole life is over.

163. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 November 2009:

     Dear Gillian,

     I’m sorry for what you’re going through — it must be devastating that your husband of ten years decides to leave. That’s such a difficult thing to bounce back from, and I totally understand that it feels like your whole life is over. Especially when credt card debt and selling your house is part of the loss.

     But, you have to remember that your whole life is NOT over! Your life isn’t just about your marriage, your husband, your house, or even a clean financial record. Your life is about your goals, your career, your involvement with other people, your growth as a human being, your spirituality, and your hobbies.

     You are more than your marriage, and more than a wife. To heal and grow from this blow, you need to remember that marriage is a PART of your life, not your whole life. A man is PART of your life, not your whole life.

     Again, I know how painful it is to be left and to have to start over. It’s an awful place to be. But, sometimes we get to the awful places and slowly realize that it’s not so bad after all…there are some good bits about the awful place, and there is a future after feeling devastated.

     Give yourself time to mourn the end of your marriage and let go of the man you loved. Give yourself time to heal.

     And, soon you’ll be ready to start rebuilding your life slowly. You will laugh again, love again, and enjoy life again! It’ll just take time to go through the good-bye process.

     My heart goes out to you, especially since finances can make things seem worse. But, I know you’ll survive this — and you’ll be a stronger woman after all is said and done.

     I wish you all the best, and invite you back to share how your life is going anytime. Both the ups and the downs!

     Laurie

164. Comment by M on 25 November 2009:

     He’s married. But we fell in love anyway. We decided not to do it anymore. He begged me not to call him because he may not be able to stay away if I did.

     I know I did the right thing by breaking up with him but it still hurts.

165. Comment by jaeh on 25 November 2009:

     M,

     Believe it or not you did the right thing by walking away. His telling you not to call because “he may not be able to stay away” is only a ploy to place the responsibility of the actions back on you if you should step back into a relationship with him.

     I’m sure it does hurt but stay strong. If it’s meant to be he will do the right thing and free himself of prior committments and then pursue you, which is what you deserve.

     take care

166. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 27 November 2009:

     Thanks for reassuring M, Jaeh. I agree with you — M did the right thing by walking away!

     M, soon the pain of letting go of this man you loved will fade and you will be so glad you left him. You deserve to be loved by a man who can devote himself to you fully and completely…and this man’s wife deserves to have a husband who isn’t betraying her.

     I wish you well, and hope your pain is already fading…

     Laurie

167. Comment by T on 27 November 2009:

     I am not sure how to let go! It was my fault to begin with…it has been 18 years since we last spoke and I have not been able to close the door since! I was 17 in a serious relationship when he left to go to the service (Army). I was lonely and found company with another guy, by doing this I lost the love of my life.

     I can’t seem to get him out of my mind, the what could have beens if I would not have messed up. I did mess up how long should I have to pay? How do I close the door? Some days are better than others…I am currently married with three children but am locked in the past. How do I get out? I have thought many times about calling my lost loves parents to check on him but I don’t…I just don’t know what to do to move on COMPLETELY!

168. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 29 November 2009:

     Hi T,

     Two things spring to mind as I read about your struggle with your lost “love of your life”:

     First, you have to remember that we often idealize people and events in our past. That is, we build them up in our mind to be more special, more interesting, and just all-round BETTER in all ways! If you had married this man after he returned from the service, you won’t necessarily be any happier than you are today.

     It’s a normal human response to look back and think things were better than they were….but you have no idea what it would be like to be married to him today, so you’re not dealing with reality. For all you know, he could have returned from the service with severe emotional problems that would disrupt even the healthiest, most loving marriage. Or, he may not have wanted to marry at all!

     The point is that you’re comparing your life to a fantasy, a possible path your life may have taken.

     My second thought is that you need to talk to a therapist. Struggling with a lost love for 18 years is a sign you’re having difficult dealing with it yourself, and you need help resolving your feelings of regret, guilt, or frustration with yourself.

     I encourage you to talk to a counselor and get tools for moving on, changing your thought patterns, and healing. That’s the best advice I have.

     I wish you all the best.

     Laurie

169. Comment by farha on 30 November 2009:

     Sometimes its easier said than done…the pain of a hurtful abusive relationship is worst when you love the person with all your heart…and still continue loving the person even though you know he is bad for you…

     Its best to leave…..

     But leaving someone you love is hard..its the hardest thing I have ever had to do..but you just have to love yourself enough..and pray and seek professional help..and dont isolate yourself from family…

     Good luck

170. Comment by Mary on 4 December 2009:

     Thank you for this article. It has provided me with tremendous support.

171. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 6 December 2009:

     Thanks for your comments, farha. You’ve offered some good advice on letting go of someone you love and healing from a relationship breakup, and I hope you’re doing well.

     Mary, I’m glad this article helped!

     Laurie

172. Comment by AussieExpat on 6 December 2009:

     Dear Laurie,

     I don’t know how to put it… Friday and I found myself in a state. Meaning, I could not be in crowds, on a subway or taking calls without tears overwhelming me. This has not happened before. In fact, there have been years whereby I did not know how to cry. It was a first day of prescribed medication and I was informed to take time off.

     In a shopping centre, I was leaving and approaching the lifts when my ex showed up. It only took “less” than a second but automatically, instead of walking towards the lifts and where she was, I swiveled my direction and walked towards the other side of the lifts. I also instinctively closed my eyes.

     That day, I did not want anyone to see me – friends, family, colleagues.

     I don’t know if there is anything to be said. Just that the one day of the year whereby I looked and felt a shadow of my self, I almost run into my ex. Unfortunately, I know she saw me as she made eye-contact and that is when I closed my eyes.

     Is this common?

     AE

173. Comment by nick on 7 December 2009:

     its always hard for me to let go =[[ i no i have to do it but its just i guess i dont like to see that person with someone else but its part ov life and i gota deal with it i still gotta let go…i feel like i cant even do it or find someone else =[she always told me we were meant to be and now before i no it she wants to be friends and we want differnt things but since this has been my longest relatioonship its hard to let go and see her move on in life with someone else =/ i guess it was never meant to be after all

174. Comment by Laurie PK on 8 December 2009:

     Hi AussieExpat,

     I’m not sure how common your experience was…it depends on so many things that are too complicated for this type of forum! And, I can’t offer my thoughts or suggestions via email — I’m restricted to making public comments.

     I’m also not sure what you’re asking about. Are you asking if it’s common to see an ex when you didn’t want anyone to see you? That may just be a freak occurrence…one of the Murphy’s Laws! The worst thing that could happen, will happen.

     Have you talked to your doctor about this experience? Not seeing your ex, but being in such as state. Don’t keep it to yourself, my friend. The more the doc knows about your state of mind and body, the better he/she will be able to help.

     Are you feeling better now, that a couple days have passed? I hope so, and I hope your time off work gives you the time and space you need to heal.

     Take care,
     Laurie

175. Comment by Laurie PK on 8 December 2009:

     Nick, I’m sorry you’re having to let go of your girlfriend…it’s such a heartbreaking thing to lose someone you love. I want you to know you’re not alone, and wish you all the best.

     Laurie

176. Comment by George on 19 December 2009:

     I need some ideas/comments or something to help me figure out how to let go and move on. Scary as this may sound but my ex and i have been apart for almost 3 years now and i still am having a hard time fully letting her go. I am sure it would be much easier if we did not have a young child together so there are times we do have to see or confront each other. She has moved on and is with someone else and has been for almost 2 years i believe and has told me she loves him, so why can’t i let go. I have tried to move on more than once but always find myself letting go (maybe sometimes too easily) asi believe i am trying to compare or find my ex in them. Is something wrong with me that i am still madly inlove and cant seem to let go of someone after almost 3 years??

177. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 21 December 2009:

     Hi George,

     I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with letting go of your ex-girlfriend after three years — and I know that having a child together can make healing a broken heart much more difficult!

     I don’t know if there’s anything wrong with you, but I think there’s a reason you’re still hanging on. Maybe you’re afraid of moving into a new relationship, of falling in love and getting hurt again. It’s a very, very vulnerable place to be, especially if you’ve loved and lost once before.

     Also, we tend to build people up in our minds when they’re no longer an everyday part of our lives. That is, it’s much easier to think of your ex-girlfriend as almost perfect when you’re not actually living with her! That may be another reason you’re having a hard time letting go: you have this image of her in your head, which other women can’t live up to.

     I encourage you to go to your library and get books on breaking up and letting go of someone you love. That may help you get to the root of your reluctance to let go, which may in turn help you heal and move on.

     Wish you all the best,
     Laurie

178. Comment by Jasmine on 22 December 2009:

     Hi Laurie,

     I would really appreciate some help. I found this site in a google search after realizing that I still love my first love, none of the feelings have faded in all the time I’ve known him, only grown. It’s been 4 years since I first started talking to him, but 9 months since we last communicated regularly. Allow me to provide you with some details to know better the context.

     I know I’m young, I’m only 17 though I’ll be 18 in just over a week and intelligent, being in honors all my life and even skipping a grade, with the result that I’m already in college. I’ve always been thought of as older than I am. He however is 21. As I said before, It’s been awhile since we last communicated regularly. This is because he finally informed me that he would be falling off my radar for an unspecified time since my mother did not approve of him and would hassle us both. He said that he did think we had potential, but only when there would be no more drama. Now that I’ve come home from my first semester away at college he finally answered the phone he previously always ignored, and returned texts. I know he cares about me, I can hear it in his voice and read it in his actions, but I sometimes wonder if I’m not supposed to just find a way to let go. I still love him very much, I can tell because it’s the most selfless I’ve ever felt towards a person, entirely warm intentions. I don’t really know how I could make there be no more drama, or how to let go if that’s the solution.

     Please help me.

179. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 December 2009:

     Hi Jasmine,

     Thanks for sharing this bit of your life with me; I hope you’re doing well.

     I can’t tell you if you should let him go to try to rekindle your relationship. But, sometimes these things aren’t decided BY us…rather, they’re decided FOR us. That is, if he’s not willing to be in a relationship that has this type of drama, and you’re not sure how to get rid of the drama, then…it doesn’t seem like there are many open doors for a relationship. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes there’s an obstacle that can’t be overcome, or that sweethearts don’t know how to solve. When that happens, then only thing to do is let go and move on.

     If you think you should let go of this man, then you need to stop the phone calls and text messages. Fill your life with other friends and activities — and look at the tips in my article for other ways to let go! I won’t repeat them here….but I do suggest you fill your life with things and people that make you happy.

     And, if he wants to contact you, then he will. He knows where you are, he has your phone number and email address. Let him make the first move if he’s so inclined. Then — if that happens — you can decide what you’d like to happen. Until then, give him space and time to decide if he wants to proceed.

     I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best.

     Blessings,
     Laurie

180. Comment by Kay on 26 December 2009:

     I find that the article is useful but I am not sure if I could forget him.Time will heal.

     I met a guy in July this year. I didn’t fall in love with him yet but I liked him so much. He was the only man that I ever liked since my first love. I missed him so much and it’s so painful that I cry sometimes.He has everything that I want in a man and too bad that I can’t have him?.

     He left because he thought that I fell in love with him, something he wasn’t prepared for. I understand that he is struggling with some baggage from previous relationship but I don’t understand why he had to go. I wasn’t trying to make him to love me. All I want was to be with him because he made me happy.

     What shoul I do?.

181. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 28 December 2009:

     Kay,

     You’re right that time will heal your broken heart…and it’s sad that he seems to be afraid of falling in love again. He might not be fully healed from his last relationship, which makes it difficult for him to love you. He’s scared to get hurt again, and he’s protecting himself.

     I don’t think there’s much you can do about him. But, you can focus on living your own best life. Nurture yourself so you heal — let yourself cry, but don’t wallow in your sadness. Spend time with people who love you. Try new things — take a few risks!

     And, keep telling yourself that you WILL fall in love again and be happy. You WILL find the man who will love you back, who won’t be afraid of getting hurt. Sometimes it just takes time to find the right person…and when you do, you’ll find that all your past loves will help you love this person all the more (if you heal from your past heartbreaks — which many people do!).

     Blessings,
     Laurie

182. Comment by Ali on 28 December 2009:

     Hi I am in a relationship with my boyfriend that we have been together for 3 years now have a 18 month old. He is a amazing dad and we have grown together as one but I seem to be going forward and he is going nowhere. I just recently told him i am going to have to leave him because we need a break I can’t handle it anymore. He hasnt had a job he was trying before and now just does nothing but plays games and does nothing else then sleeps the whole day because he was up all night. I am very hurt to do this because he is a great father and I do love him but I know I need to do what is best for me. Last night he tells me that he is depressed everyday of his life the only reason he wants to live is because of me and our son. I feel terribly bad I don’t want nothing bad to happen to him if I follow through for what is right. He has been depressed for some time now and has tryed 5 or 6 different medication but he seems to say none of them work. I just don’t know what to do I need help of what to do or at least some advice? Thank you much

     Ali

183. Comment by Sharon on 30 December 2009:

     My boyfriend broke up with me 7 weeks ago after having been together for a little over 2 years. He had confessed in the summer to being in an affair with one of his co-workers for 3 months and I told him I wanted to work it out. He wrote me a very heartfelt letter of apology and I really thought that things were going to be okay. I noticed that the intimacy between us was slowing down but just thought it was because of his busy schedule. Then on the night of the break-up he told me he just couldn’t do this anymore, that he didn’t feel attracted to me and never really had from the beginning but kept things going for emotional reasons (we had a great friendship outside of the bedroom). He begged me to let him go and said he wasn’t happy. Now he tells me that he and his affair partner want to try to have a relationship just as soon as she leaves her unhappy marriage after the holidays. She has children and he had always told me that he didn’t want to be with someone with children. My heart is simply broken into a million pieces and no matter how much I tell myself that I deserve better and remember that he cheated on me, lied to me and made me feel bad about myself, I still feel a horrible ache from missing him. I try to think of new things I can do and focus on knowing that one day I will meet someone who is really right for me but my thoughts constantly go back to him. At first I was still talking with him and hoped that he would want me back but now it is strictly no contact. I have had loss in my life before (my father died and my husband left me 6 months later) but I never felt as devastated with those losses as I do with this one. Why can’t I let go?

184. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 30 December 2009:

     Hi Ali,

     That’s very sad that your boyfriend is feeling depressed, and it’s unfortunate timing that you feel it’s time to let go of him, but you can’t stay with him out of guilt or a misplaced sense of responsibility.

     You need to do what you need to do, my friend. To help yourself feel better when you leave him — and to help him — you could give him a list of resources for depressed people: community help centers, distress lines, social workers’ numbers, etc. You could tell him that you love him and wish the best for him, but you can’t continue to stay in this relationship because it’s not healthy, and you’re not moving forward as a couple.

     Reassure him that he’ll see your child regularly, and that you won’t stand between him and his child.

     It won’t be easy, and you’ll likely feel guilty, sad, and confused if you break up with him. But, you need to put your overall health and happiness above your temporary feelings of guilt or anxiety…and you can’t stay with him for the wrong reasons. You can’t stay with a man you don’t respect, and he’s not doing anything to win back your love and respect.

     I wish you all the best as you make and carry out this difficult decision! I’d love to know how you’re doing — please come back and update me anytime.

     Blessings,
     Laurie

185. Comment by phoenix on 31 December 2009:

     This comment is for M:
     I hope you took the advice given to you and let the man either end or continue the relationship with his wife. I am the wife in such a situation and after twenty-plus years together I pray that the “other” person will do the right thing and let us have this last little bit of time together to get things sorted out. I have an idea of how all this will turn out for me, but a third person just adds to the misery and clouds my spouse’s judgment. If our relationship is over, then it has to end before he can truly be a worthy partner to you. Just step back and wait your turn- I am sure you’ll be better off in the long run. You don’t want to begin a relationship based on betrayal and deceit. I would have to question the character of this man if he cannot stay away from you and finish his current relationship. I only hope that I have not been wrong about my own husband’s character and that his commitment to end the affair will last long enough for us to finish “us”.

186. Comment by Seeking Help on 31 December 2009:

     HI Laurie,

     I have had an off and on relationship with a man for the past 6 years. We started out really young and stupid, now we’ve grown and I see where I want my life to go. I would marry him in a heartbeat. He’s the only man that has my heart. But he isn’t ready. We have had a lot of ups and downs. He is starting to grow up and stop being that 20 yr he used to be. Where he had to go out and be the best thing and the life of the party. We had a falling out and didn’t really speak for sometime. He moved away and I found a nice man that I dated for about 5 months (we now have parted ways), and from what I had heard my ex was with someone he really liked as well. So in my mind I’m moving on (even though I was still in love with him) and I figured he was moving on too. Well after 7 months away he moved back to my city and wanted to still be friends and talk. So I tried to be his friend and not have any ties but it was just too hard and I couldn’t handle it. I told him that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore and for him not to call me. I needed him to respect that. So he stopped all contact for a month, then out of the blue he calls and wants to see me. So like an idiot I go see him. He tells me that he still loves me and can’t stand to not have me in his life, BUT he still loves the girl he is dated. (Which she lives in another state) Eventually when he gets his life in order he wants to marry me. And part of me believes that but he’s selfish. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I should just ignore him and really make he feel what its like to lose me. It’s just hard getting over him. He’s my first love. Just don’t know how I’m going to live without him.
     Thanks for listening.

187. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 1 January 2010:

     Seeking Help,

     I think you know in your head what the healthiest, most self-respecting thing to do is…but your heart is compelling you to keep hanging on to this man.

     My friend, six years of ups and downs does not bode well for the future. If he was totally in love with you and ready for marriage, he would have married you long ago. I think you should focus on letting go, no matter how much you feel you love him.

     And, I suggest that you stop thinking that you can’t live without him. This is not true! Not only can you live without him, you can be happy, healthy, and whole without him. You do not need him or anyone else to live…all you need is a connection to your source of power and a sense of your authentic self. Your happiness does not depend on any person on earth — it only depends on you.

     You’re right that it’ll be hard letting go of and then getting over him…but that’s short-term pain. If you keep hanging on and waiting for him to figure out what he wants, then you’ll be prolonging the inevitable.

     I hope you find the strength and courage to let him go. You WILL heal and be happy again — you just need to be strong enough to withstand the first few months apart.

     Ask him for six months of time and space. Tell him you’ll contact him then if you feel it’s the right then to do. Over the next six months, focus on building your self-respect and self-esteem, establishing good friendships, and doing fun things in your life! If you’re curious about him in six months, then send him an email. If you’re happy and fulfilled, then maybe you should stay away.

     I’m sorry for the heartbreak you’re feeling, and I assure you that you WILL be happy and you WILL fall in love with another man…one who respects, loves, and will put you first in his life.

     Blessings,
     Laurie

188. Comment by canali on 4 January 2010:

     i totally am surprised that you would on your website suggest ‘how to heal a broken heart in 30 days’ as a good reference…puh-lease!….and yes i’ve read the book…it’s themes of exploration are laudable, while it’s misleading title isn’t…try telling that to anyone coming out of a substantial relationship, ie, 5-10 years…there is something called ‘grieving’ which alone can last a few months (and that’s only one theme in the book)…imo why don’t you recommend something more grounded and better researched, ie, bruce fisher’s classic ‘Rebuilding’ (available at local library even)

189. Comment by angel with brokenwing on 6 January 2010:

     Hi there Laurie! been almost a year and am still in a shadow of being hurt and betrayed by the only man who can really make me smile and cry (figure that). we are both in love and both planning about future together…. when trial strike us and ruined our relationship, I almost lost him (he was seduced by a person who i know personally, a friend of ma friend) the feeling almost killed me. It’s a relief knowing that we are still in love with each other…. as far as am concern, i already forgive him and accepted his apologies with all my heart. but why It still here inside me….. everything….. every single mistake he had done to me! whenever we talk whenever i remember….. the hatered is killing me inside….. which now am bound to lose control and jump to JUZ LET GO of HIM…. and asking him to juz LET ME GO….. begging him to stay away and juz leave me….. he don’t let me… he’s keeping me and i know he loves me more than any woman… I love him so much… but why i’m choosing to juz leave him. it really hurt so bad to think that he’s a part of my life…. a part of me being complete…. now am bound to lose everything….. my faith and my life….. please help!!!

190. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 6 January 2010:

     Hi Canali,

     Thanks for your comment — I appreciate your thoughts!

     While I can’t control what ads Google places on Quips & Tips (“how to heal a broken heart in 30 days”, for instance), I can and do feature books in all my posts. “Rebuilding” by Bruce Fisher sounds valuable; I’ll look into it and possibly feature it on an upcoming article.

     Laurie

191. Comment by gloria on 8 January 2010:

     sad to hear those stories but a relief that am not the only one!!!!i had a boyfriend 3 years ago we started a relationship but split cause we did not seem ready for a serious relationship. he moved out of my city and like a year later we started to contact each other.we started the relationship again, he wound come to see me and i would go visit him. but suddenly started ignoring my calls, i got fed up and send him an offline chat saying it was over.

     he said his phone was not working loved and cared for me etc. on offline chat. later iu found out he deleted me from his msn and never answered my maiuls. iu told him iu was moving on and was all over hium. two monts later iu fond out he has a 2 monts daughter and got married a couple of monts ago!!!this happened while being with me and iu had no clue. i sent an email saying congratulations for your daughter and wedding! i feel so much like crap!!!! but will get over it sooner than i expected he deserves nothing from me!

192. Comment by gloria on 8 January 2010:

     am 25 years old.I wrote the upper part of the message!!!my question is??? Who on earth gets married while cheating! what hurts me the most is that i was with a guy that was first single then was married. i was with a married man!if i new? i would of never even looked at him!it sucks Was i just a game for him?? all of these questions, that he decided to never answer! i decided not to call anymore no emails anymore. i wish i would know what was passing trough his mind.

193. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 9 January 2010:

     Gloria,

     I’m sorry that you got hurt — it definitely doesn’t sound like this was the man for you! I don’t know if he was playing games, or why he got married while cheating on you.

     Part of letting go of someone you love is accepting that you may never have the answers to these questions. Don’t let this stop you from healing and loving again…the right man IS out there for you, and you will find him! And he’ll be decent, loving, kind, and honest.

     Blessings,
     Laurie

194. Comment by Leona on 13 January 2010:

     Hi Laura

     Im glad that im not the only one going through the emotional Trauma. I just wana forget about this guy and move on but its very hard that it has even affected my spiritual life. I beleive that i can do it. He treats me like im nothing. Im tired of crying over him. I cant sleep, concentrate at work and i tend to isolate myself more often. I’m tired of living this life.

195. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 15 January 2010:

     Dear Leona,

     It’s a good sign that you’re tired of crying over your ex-boyfriend! That means you’re ready to move on — and you certainly don’t need to stay in this stage of life longer than you want.

     I suggest you pick 2 or 3 of my tips for letting go of someone you love in the article below, and try them for a couple of weeks. And, focus on ways to get a good night’s sleep. Don’t just think about getting more exercise or eating healthy foods, for instance…actually DO those things! Getting aerobic exercise will send more oxygen to your brain, lift your mood, and help you sleep. And the better you sleep, the more energy you’ll have to do the things you love. And when you do things you love, you’ll feel happier.

     Here’s the link to my article about getting over a break up:

     10 Tips for Surviving a Break Up

     If you think you may be struggling with depression, please talk to a doctor or counselor. I can’t tell you if you’re depressed or not, but you might benefit from talking to a professional.

     Let me know how you’re doing!

     Laurie

196. Comment by amanda on 16 January 2010:

     eight years ago i was a messed up girl. i am now a blossoming woman. eight years ago i cheated on someone i still feel deeply connected to. i was honest and he understandably left us. i know it is over. i do not believe in the “perfect one”. i’ve been in 2 relationships since, i was still pretty unhealthy and they didn’t work. i’m in a relationship now that may have potential. i’m finding it difficult letting the fantasy of that deep connection i think i feel for the ex of eight years, which is making it difficult to be in relationships. thank you in advance for any guidance. you seem very kind. many blessings to you. ~ amanda

197. Comment by leeony on 18 January 2010:

     hi laurie,

     i`m a 35 years old woman with 2 children,i have a boyfriend and i don`t know what to do.he is 49 yrs old the thing is we`ve been seeing each other for 4 months now. we use to spend most of the time together,he would fetch me from work,take me to his place or my place. early last month he asked me to move in with him.i agreed because he said he wants to marry me, so i thought i`ts best if i move in with him & see what kind of a person he is.i could`nt stay long @ his place because he would tell me he`s going for coupler beers he would be back soon.he would come back late when i`m already in bed so i spoke to him about it but he kept on doing it.so i moved back to my place my kids were with my mom.THEN PROBLEMS begins.he started saying that i`m seeing somebody else that`s why i moved out he calls me maybe once a day or not,he does`nt come to my place anymore,he told me that his aunt was @his place because he knows that i won`t go there untill he comes & fetch me to meet her.he did`nt come & i went there & there was no aunt but his clothes were clean& ironed so i thought that maybe he is seeing somebody else.he said he wants us to talk,i`ve been waiting for him to come, i want to just leave him & not call him but i`ts difficult it hurts so bad i don`t know what to do.the other part of me tells me to let go but the other says i must wait maybe when he comes we will talk & things will be fine again.i`m confused must i let go or wait or what? i still love him please help! thanks.

198. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 January 2010:

     Dear Amanda,

     First, I think you need to honor the growth you’ve experienced over the past eight years! You made a mistake, you lost someone you love, and you’ve learned from that experience. You’ve come a long way, my friend.

     Second, I encourage you to read up on the meaning of true love, or what “real” relationships look like. If you have an unrealistic fantasy in your mind of what real love is, then you’ll always be feeling like you don’t have love.

     And remember that we often idealize people or build them up in our heads when we’re not with them anymore. Your fantasy of the deep connection you had with the boyfriend you cheated on may not be based in truth at all. Rather, you may be making more of him and your relationship than what was actually there.

     I encourage you to read on up letting go of love in books, and talk to a counselor about resolving your feelings about that relationship. It sounds like you haven’t dealt with all of those feelings yet…and that’s preventing you from moving forward in love.

     I hope these suggestions help, and I wish you all the best in getting emotionally healthy as you embark on this new relationship!

     Blessings,
     Laurie

199. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 January 2010:

     Dear Leeony,

     I’m sorry your relationship is rocky — it definitely sounds like you and your boyfriend need to talk!

     Once you and he talk, you’ll know if you have to let him go or if you’ll be working on having a strong, healthy relationship. Until you talk to him, you need to figure out what YOU want out of this relationship. Can you see yourself with this man for a long time? Are there red flags that indicate potential problems?

     I encourage you to view this relationship as one part of your life. You have lots of other ways to be happy (your kids, work, friends, etc) — don’t let this man be your sole source of happiness or fulfillment. The more happy, balanced, and well-rounded you are as a woman, the more attractive you’ll be to him…which can positively affect your relationship.

     Wishing you all the best,
     Laurie

200. Comment by Janet on 18 January 2010:

     Hi, i just needed some advice PLEASE! My partner and i have been together for 7 years. We have been off and on, but have lived together almost the entire time. I love her so much, and i know she loves me. We are just not right together. We lost healthy communication a few years ago. We both have changed. All we really do is argue all the time. It really is not healthy for either of us or our children. The only time we connect and seem to be happy is if we are doing something sexual. Or if we are out together, and not talking about our relationship, or any part of our life, or our problems. Neither one of us is happy. I cry every night. I am so sad, angry, confused, bitter, jealous….. We have known for an extremely long time, but do not know how to let go. We know that one of us has to move out, but neither one of us can do it. We both have a total breakdown every time on of us takes the steps to go. We cant live together happily, but cant seem to not be together. I am lost and need to say goodbye, and get out! Can someone please offer any words of advice please! I thank all in advance, and i am sorry this is so long! Thanks for taking the time to read!

201. Comment by leeony on 19 January 2010:

     thank you very much laurie,i feel much better keep up your good work. helping people with their difficult situations is not easy, we need more people like you thanx!!God bless you , give you more love& wisdom for your job.

202. Comment by amanda on 19 January 2010:

     thank you. thank you.

203. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 21 January 2010:

     Dear Janet,

     Letting go of someone you love is never easy, especially when you’ve been together a long time. It sounds like neither of you are happy, but neither of you is strong enough to call it quits.

     I encourage you to talk to a counselor, either with your girlfriend or alone. You need to figure out why you’re so reluctant to leave your girlfriend — and why you can’t talk about creating a healthier, happier relationship with her. I think it’s important to get to the root of the problem…because knowing the root can help us figure out the solutions. For instance, if you’re scared to let go of her because you’re worried that nobody else will love you, then you need to work on developing a sense of self-esteem and self-love, either with a counselor or by reading books (or both!).

     Also, I suggest that you write down the steps that you need to take to leave your girlfriend, or rebuild your relationship. Be very specific: 1) figure out who stays, and who moves; 2) find a new place to live; etc. You don’t necessarily need to take these steps right now, but if you start thinking about your options, you’ll be more likely to find the strength to leave.

     I hope this helps a little, and I wish you all the best. It’s so hard to leave someone…and partners very often “leave” before they’re even out the door! You just need to be as emotionally ready as you are psychologically.

     Let me know how it goes, as you figure out the root of your reluctance to leave and your next steps in life….

     Blessings,
     Laurie

204. Comment by aiza armacion on 21 January 2010:

     hi, i really need an advice..so, please help me..

     we end up our relationship last may 6, 2009..15 days before our 8th anniversary..my love for him was covered by anger..that’s why i leave him..he was almost getting crazy when the day i leave him..so much suffering with pain..by december 2009, i’m so badly missing him..and then when he attend my birthday party , we talk.. i realize that i still love him and still i denied it to myself..but it’s too late..somebody makes him happy..but he still loves me..he was just happy with that girl..that gave him the comfort, care, importance and etc..when the times he was so down and suffering in pain..i ask him, one more chance..he gave me..but one thing i can’t accept..we’re two in his heart..even though, they just communicate in just phone calls, text messages and chatting..every time im with him, then his phone beeps..i felt so weak and down and broken stranded..i felt my heart break into pieces..he wants me to stay close with him..but my heart suffering so much pain..i cry every night and day ..sometimes, i want to be martyr,,,neglect the pain..but when i was alone, am so down, weak and hopeless..

     isn’t unfair that he wants me to stay and he was happy with the other one and me?? suffering so much pain??..

     what should i do? i love him so much..and don’t want to loss him..

     am waiting for you reply..tnx

205. Comment by Sandra on 23 January 2010:

     Hi, I would appreciate some advice on how to go about my break up. I have been with my partner for 6 years. Some bad moments (normal) some great and a great sex life. When he first met me he mentioned how much he wanted a son. Some time afterwards he said that maybe it wasn´t to be in this lifetime and said he loved me. Now after all these years, he has informed that he needs to have a child and that he will go after his dream. I can´t have children – he knew that from the start. We have had some fights over this and now I am conscious that on December 2010 he will be leaving to recreate his life and find the mother of his children and said that we can be friends and keep in contact forever. In between he also mentioned that he´ll stay till December because I need him as much as he needs me (to finish a work we are doing together).
     My hearts hurts, I´m soooo terrified; can´t seem to accept it. I love him, so much, we had so many plans; where going to travel, do research together, write a book…. now he will leave to find a wife and have children. Please talk to me, I would like to take this pain away. This is being so hard to get over. Thank you.

206. Comment by Ruth on 23 January 2010:

     My husband of 14 years decided to separate about 4 months ago, our marriage has had ups and downs for a few years but I always thought we could make it work, he said he can’t take the dissapointments anymore and even though we were not going through a bad moment when he made the decision he says he knew eventually will happen again, I have told him so many things for him to reconsider but he just doesn’t want to, I know he is seeing someone else but he says he is not in a relationship and it has nothing to do with his decision, I know is easier to move on when feelings are somewhere else even if temporarily, we have 2 kids and it breaks my heart to lose him, I cry all the time, can’t barely sleep or eat, some days I think I am ready to let go, but then everything starts again, and keep playing the same things in my head over and over…dont know what to do, I know one day will pass but it just hurts too much..

207. Comment by stella on 24 January 2010:

     thay say time is a healer…….hmmm question how long it takes my husband and i split last year and were trying to start again ? weather its worth the effort but after 13 years im sure its worth a go all i can say is were all diffrent and some times it works but what more do we have but time will i waste my life noooooooooooooooooo if it dont work im walking woop woop

208. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 January 2010:

     Dear Sandra,

     I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend is leaving you in a year…and I’m curious why you and he are still together if you both know that he can’t see a future with you?

     This is difficult to say, but I suggest letting go of him now. I think that living for another year with him, loving him and knowing that he’s leaving to recreate his life and start a family, is too painful to bear! The short-term pain of letting him go now may be better than the long-term pain of living with him, loving him, and letting go of him in a year….

     What are your thoughts on this?

     Laurie

209. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 January 2010:

     Dear Ruth,

     I’m so sorry to hear that your husband has left. Your heart is broken right now — but I can see your hope and faith in the future! As you said, your heartache will pass one day…but in the meantime, you need to grieve the loss of your marriage.

     My thoughts and prayers are with you.

     Laurie

210. Comment by Jesse on 27 January 2010:

     I am a 33 year old man and I have been divorced for about 14 months now and the pain is still so great, I still want to be with my X wife. We have three kids together and I am just beside myself. I go out with friends, and some days are better than others but overall I just want to be married to her. Will I ever get over this pain? And it makes me feel extremely bad because it affects my children when I am not happy they don’t deserve that they deserve to have a happy healthy parent who is not thinking of himself all the time. I want the me back. Can some one help please???? Everytime I feel like I am getting better something happens or triggers something in my brain and it puts me 1,000 steps back.

211. Comment by ng on 27 January 2010:

     I just broke up with my boyfriend after a year. my heart is torn, I feel like my world has ended. I just want one thing, to see him, to hear his voice. but he doesn’t respond my phone calls or emails, which adds to my pain. my pain doesn’t end, the sorrow doesn’t leave me alone. I rather die and not to see these moments. I cant sleep, eat,or talk to anyone anymore. after all I blame myself for what has happened and I cant forgive myself, what should I do ?

212. Comment by jay on 28 January 2010:

     Hi Laurie and all on here

     Well…mine is quite a long story/tangled mess, but here goes. 5 years ago my wife Jacqui and i met this couple socially and hit it off straight away. Myself and Jan especially. We had everything you could imagine in common, music, art, fashion sense etc. etc. where my wife and i never did. Jac and i were together for 18 years which just chugged along and i admit got bored with at times as she never took any interest in what i wanted.

     I was 38 and Jan was only 26 but very ahead of her age…and anyway, we just clicked…no it wasnt a midlife crisis. To cut a long story short, after hanging out with each other quite a bit, and ultimately fell in love with each other. She ended her marriage as her husband senses it, and mine ended once Jac asked me to be honest and tell her if i was in love with Jan, i said i was and Jac said, well i’m done…plus Jac saw the connection i had and was saddened that we never had that…but i couldnt control that…Jac and i are still good friends, she has moved on and had a child now…she is happy and i am for her…i still love Jac a lot, i’m just not “in” love with her.

     So, we eneded up ending both our relationships to be with each other, but it was never smooth sailing, as i was constantly eaten up with guilt with what i had done. Jac was very much the Jennifer Anniston (loved by all my friends and especially my family) Jan was very much the femme fatale (Angelina Jolie)…ahh if i only had the looks of Brad Pitt!

     Anyway, it was very rocky from the start, plus the minute we would argue etc. Jan was quick to start going out with her own friends, and yes sometimes seeing other guys…but always justified it when things were shaky as we are just friends, even though she wanted to live with me and have a child together.

     Anyway, after 2 years of on again off again, she sort of just came out of the blue telling me she was seeing someone…which i thought was just another fling while we were apart but it wasn’t. Within 8 days of giving her a friendship ring and her showing my mother and friends, she went from that, to telling me we can’t be friends, and i texted her one day, she rang me back and told me to never her ring her again, she didnt wannt to hear from me again. I ffound out she had moved in with hime 3 weeks after me giving her the ring.

     A few months later i emailed her, and she replied with the same thing, so i honored her wish. The whole i had felt gutted, and pined for her quite deeply what almost seems 24/7.

     After 12 months of hearing nothing at all, she texted me 5 times, i responded with short, polite responses but not giving her much…10 minutes later she just rang, we spoke for about half an hour, but within the first 2 minutes she told me she got the job she always wanted and she was 3 months pregnant…it was the final stake in my heart…that was meant to be my child.

     Please dont tell me cause she fooled around a couple of times while we split, she wasnt worth the trouble, or i need more self esteem, or i can do better than that… half the time it was my fault we couldnt get it right…so i understand where she was coming from. I have learnt you cant help who you fall in love with. But after nearly 3 years, i think of her every day and miss her deperately, i beieved she was my soulmate and have not changed my mind on that.

     She has moved on, had a kid and i assume very happy, but sometimes i go to sleep thinking of her…and am the moment my eyes open in the morning…and half the time during the day. I have met a new partner…been together for 2 years, never argue, have mutual respect for each other and its very balanced, which is i guess is all good. But she also knows the depth of love i felt for Jan, and i sense she still does…women know these things!

     So, just not too sure what to do…thoughts just loop in my head, i always imagine her with her child and cant get my head around that could have been us. I just dont know what to do, 3 years on…it still kills me, to the point it brings on migraines at times, plus my new partner knows she doesnt have me 100%.

     Sometimes i feel i deserve this outcome…but that doesnt help me still not pining and wanting to be with Jan…sometimes i even let reality slip i think and think we will be together one day, even if thats 10 years from now…but i have no reason to believe this, as she hasnt given any hint of wanting to be with me in the last 3 years. Plus i want to be able to give my all to my new partner…just cant seem to do that at the moment.

     HELP!

213. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 29 January 2010:

     Dear Jesse,

     I’m sorry to hear that your divorce is so hard on you, and especially sad to hear that it’s affecting your kids! I know how bad you feel about that, and how much you want to feel better.

     Yes, you will get over the heartache, but it sounds like you’re not healing naturally. I suggest you take a few deliberate, perhaps more aggressive steps towards moving on. One internal step is to try and figure out why you’re having such a hard time letting go. Don’t just say “because I loved her, and now she’s gone.” There might be deeper issues, such as your contribution to the divorce, or feelings of guilt, or fear of loving and losing again.

     I don’t know what’s holding you back, but I encourage you to talk to a counselor or anyone who can be a sounding board. Don’t just talk about how much you miss her….rather, try to sort out WHY you’re having such a hard time healing.

     Books can be wonderful resources, too. Go to the library, a bookstore, or Amazon, and look for books on healing after a divorce. I can almost guarantee you’ll find insights and tools you weren’t aware of!

     Try these things, and let me know how things go…

     Blessings,
     Laurie

214. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 29 January 2010:

     Dear ng,

     Your pain WILL end, and your sorrow WILL pass! You just need to mourn the loss of your relationship — I know how hard it is — but there’s nothing I can say that will make it easier, I’m afraid.

     That said, I do suggest that you stop phoning and emailing your ex. He knows you want to talk to him, and he will contact you if and when he’s ready. You’re just dragging out your own pain by continuing to reach out to him. Give him time and space, and let him contact you if he feels inclined. You’ve already made it clear that you want to talk to him…just let it be.

     I also suggest that you remember why you broke up with him. Something wasn’t right in your relationship. After we lose someone we love, we often idealize them in our head. We remember them with more love and fondness, and we remember the relationship with more “warm fuzzies” than it deserves! You broke up with him for a reason, and I encourage you to remember that. Though it hurts now, it may be healthier in the long run to be apart.

     I wish you all the best.

     Blessings,
     Laurie

215. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 29 January 2010:

     Hi Jay,

     I’m sorry to hear it’s so hard to let go of Jan, and especially sad to hear how it’s affecting your life and current relationship.

     I want to tell you exactly what I told Ng, who is also struggling to let go of someone she loves……After we lose someone we love, we often idealize them in our head. We remember them with more love and fondness, and we remember the relationship with more “warm fuzzies” than it deserves! You and Jan broke up for a reason, and I encourage you to remember that. Though it hurts now, it may be healthier in the long run to be apart. If you and Jan were really meant to be together, your relationship would still be strong today. Instead, it was rocky from the start!

     Have you thought about counseling, to help you let go of the past and move on? There’s something that’s holding you back — and it’s not just because you loved Jan so much and are so heartbroken. I don’t know what it is — maybe you feel guilty for leaving your first wife, or maybe you’re afraid of letting yourself fall in love again — as I said, I don’t know. But, a counselor can help you sort out the reasons behind your inability to heal from that broken relationship.

     Sometimes it helps just to know the roots of our grief….that insight can bring freedom and relief. It won’t necessarily be an EASY insight, but it can bring long-term healing.

     I encourage you to call a counselor, or talk to a wise person you trust. Don’t just talk about Jan and how bad you feel…talk about the possible reasons you’re not moving on.

     I wish you all the best, and invite you to let me know how things go!

     Blessings,
     Laurie

216. Comment by jay on 31 January 2010:

     Thanks Laurie…i did spend 3-4 months seeing a counsellor, but it never really achieved what i had hoped i guess. She did say, i probably wasn’t dealing with the loss, cause ideally, i gambled everything i had on a dream/felling and lost. My separation cost me $250k and cost Jan zero as she had nothing and so i gambled a lot more than she did, so she probably didnt feel she had as much to lose in the end. I guess i am still hung up, cause i believed for the first time in my life i met someone i was meant to be with. I suppose the other hard bit was, your right it wasn’t an easy relationship to start with, although it was getting better every day, but i had put my money where my mouth was and wanted to do what ever was needed to make it work…i loved her that much, and she didn’t feel the same need. I know people here will say, well there you go, you have just answered your own question, but as i said, she left me…so i never got to fall out of love with her, and it has kust left me hanging ever since.
     My new partner is am mazing person, has had the same done to her as well, and he left her flat broke, emotionally and finacially…so we understand that hurt. I have great respect for her, she has amazing qualities and high levels of honesty and integrity, is very intelligent and intuitive. We just don’t have that same connection i had with my ex…that “x” factor i guess, that you cant put in words. I always felt my ex was the most sexy, attractive woman in the world…even at 43yo i still tell myself to grow up cause my current partner i feel isnt that to me…but beauty is only skin deep as we all know.

     BTW i do still suffer with the guilt from what i did to my ex wife, and am always concerned for her wellbeing as i will always feel i left her high and dry, she used to depend on me so much…but i cant chage that.
     My current partner are trying for a child now as we both feel we’d like one…i just need to learn that Jan and i was not meant to be , especially a child with her and maybe she entered my life to get me to here…nothing more. I just wish we had have mutually decided th part…but she knew i probably wouldnt have…and she just needed to get out!

217. Comment by AussieExpat on 5 February 2010:

     Hi Laurie,

     any articles on how to reconnect without causing damage to others, or to do so in a more balanced manner?

     It has taken longer than anticipated, in learning how to let go and not affording to care about my ex and her children. Great pain has been caused. However, all that could be done has been done and now it is time for me to move on and place myself out there and as priority number one.

     I’ve had no problem dating other women. The opportunity is aplenty. I just do not fully appreciate though why women like to talk about their past relationships so early in the “getting to know you” stage.

     I feel like it is too early for this, that I have my friends and resources like this forum, in dealing with past issues. That it is more dignified and best to be discrete sometimes to just say nothing.

     Deep down inside though, it drains my energy, as I am doing everything I can to remain neutral and not think of the past, when others talk about their past. Then I find, I am becoming even more guarded than those I consider the most conservative of dates.

     I consider myself candid. People know that I am not ready for anything heavy. Sometimes, I try to prove to others how I am not right for them, yet they come back for more.

     Hence, are there any articles on how to reconnect without causing damage to others, or to do so in a more balanced manner?

     Best, AE

218. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 7 February 2010:

     Hi AE,

     You offer the most thought-provoking comments! I’ve been thinking about your question for two days now — it’s an important question, because the older we get, the more we’ve experienced, the more we’ve been hurt, and the more past we grapple with. And, grappling is hardly ever easy.

     Your comment about women wanting to talk about relationships so early in the “getting to know you” stage made me smile, because it’s so normal. That’s what women do — and what men complain about! Women LOVE to talk about relationships, and men find it more difficult. Usually, it doesn’t even matter if they’re married couples, or out on a first blind date. I know men who feel physically and emotionally exhausted after talking about their marriage, because it’s draining and even unnatural for many men.

     If you want to connect with a woman, you will have to open up to her…and it may be sooner than you’re ready for. If past relationships come up, I suggest being honest about your feelings. Say something like, “I’d be happy to talk about my past relationships, but I’d like to get to know you better first. But, I can tell you…” and then give her something to go on. You don’t have to share all the sordid details, but you can say it didn’t work out for these one or two main reasons. Gloss over it. Let it go. But, I think it’s important to acknowledge her need to talk!

     In response to your question, I wrote an article about connecting with other singles on my new “Quips & Tips for Love Relationships” site. Here’s the link (and remember, this site is still under construction!):

     5 Healthy Ways to Connect With Your Dates

     I hope this helps. Stay in touch!

     Blessings,
     Laurie

219. Comment by AussieExpat on 8 February 2010:

     Hello Laurie,

     Thanks for your time in providing useful feedback. I particularly like the part about your last point – knowing where your responsibility begins and ends. . . the other points are very valid and practical too!

     I would add. Only do what you want (not necessarily what others suggest you might need), because it feels right for you. This may mean being open to new ideas or possibilities, if and when the time feels right.

     Having said this, I don’t think we can control what others think. Even when I am very honest and direct with what I cannot offer right now, some people still don’t get it.

     It’s great though when you can connect with people you respect. Hence, why I simply choose to place myself out there… Even if I am not sure if I am completely ready for a relationship.

     That’s me!

     Again, thanks for your article.

     AE

220. Comment by christy on 10 February 2010:

     I could use some advise. I started dating a guy last January long-distance. We parted company in May and throughout the summer he would send me text messages. Around the end of Dec. he asked me to spend New Year’s Eve with him, his daughter and brother. We hung out and had fun. In mid-January we spent two nights together and then for the next two weeks he called me more than ever. We were together the following weekend and things were great. I heard from him throughout the week and then Sunday he called and said we needed to talk, and in the coldest voice ever he told me he liked me, thought I was a nice person but he has feelings for someone he dated while we were apart and he wanted to pursue those feelings. I was blind-sided because the day before he was texting me like nothing was wrong and then the call. I know you cannot force someone to want to be with you but what happened over night? I told him I wish he would have told me this a month ago or two weeks ago (we slept together) and he said “I apologize.” He swears he was not two-timing us. I told him I thought he should pursue his feelings and to never call me. Why am I so bummed over this. He obviosuly didn’t care but still…..

221. Comment by era on 12 February 2010:

     What if.. The person you love lets you go because he loves you enough to do so..? And he doesn’t think he’s good enough for you and deserve better. Then what…? How am I supposed to move on when the break up still consists of love..?

222. Comment by AussieExpat on 13 February 2010:

     Era, it is one of the most painful things that can be done – to let go with love. And the older you get, it does not get any easier. Love though can be a rollercoaster. You need more to relationships working out than simply love. Commitment, responsibility, communication, loyalty, honesty… Maybe you guys need simply some time and space for clarity. Why did you break up? Hope you dont mind me asking.

223. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 13 February 2010:

     Hi Christy,

     I think you’re upset about this guy not being interested in you because you gave him part of your heart, mind, soul, and body! It’s totally normal to be bummed that someone you connected with could be so cold, so able to just cut things off like that.

     Let yourself mourn — it may sound dramatic, but it’s important to realize that you did like him, and you are sad that he doesn’t want to go further. Maybe it wasn’t a full-fledged love relationship, but it was something special…and now it’s gone.

     Spend some time saying good-bye to the hope that there might have been something special with him…and then start dating again! You WILL meet someone special, someone you’ll totally connect with…it just takes time to find the right person.

     I hope this helps, and that you’re healing….

     Blessings,
     Laurie

224. Comment by Kay on 16 February 2010:

     hello-

     my husband and I have been together for 6 1/2 years and married 5 as of December. We are young and got married pretty young, he 19 and I 17. Well, since we’ve been married he’s, well I guess, never stopped looking. He’s cheated on me several times… He leaves once or twice a year, to “find himself”. In the summer of 08 he met a woman in London on myspace and claimed to love her and he wasn’t in love with me anymore… So he worked overtime and eventually went to see her for a week. When he returned to the states he cut her off cold turkey and never spoke to her again even after she emailed him asking for some sort of explanation. He never explains to me after all these years…. So it wasn’t suprising for him not to respond to her. Anyway, he apologized to me saying he regret what he did because this was the worse cheating he had ever done. He vowed that he would change for his family. (we had one son at the time) so I immediately forgave him… AGAIN. But instead of fixing the problem. We swept it under the rug like it never happened. Well now, 1 1/2 later, after continuing to meet women after he went to London…. He met another woman from brazil through myspace. He started talking to her 12/5/09 but he claimed to be so happy with me. We celebrated our 5 year anniversary on December 31 and I thought we were in love…. Still. I eventually found homemade videos and emAils telling each other how much they love each other and he can’t wait to see her. And she like god to him. So they fell in love in like a 2 months time span through emails videos pictures and short phone calls… I’m in my 9 month of pregnancy now. Due in 2 weeks. I’m still crying. How could he do this to his family? He says we don’t have anything in common anymore and he really “found” himself this time. I’m confused. After all these years… I waited for him to change only for him to treat someone in another country better that he’s never met. Yet, he still tries to be nice when he wants to have sex, for we s live together. Is this things real with this other woman??? I don’t know where to pick up the pieces. And my defense mechanism is to be reclusive… Unless it’s about the children. I don’t know how to act anymore…. He worked and I did e erything else in the house and with our fist born. I did everything for him. Is it time to just throw in the towel because he obviously hasn’t changed. Help… Please… I’m sad, angry, happy for short periods with my son, I just don’t know where to go from here.

225. Comment by Kay on 16 February 2010:

     And apologies on spelling, grammar and punctuation for I am on my iPhone.

226. Comment by christy on 16 February 2010:

     Kay,

     I am so sorry you are having to go through this, especially when it should be a time in your life to celebrate the birth of a child. I was asked a question the other day that really helped me – when times are hard does he flight or fight – does he leave or stick around – can you rely on him or is he a revolving door? Be strong! You can get through this. And where do you go from here – first you breath, then you just keep on going, you keep being a good mom, you start to put yourself and your children first, you start to move into the future realizing that as much as you want someone to be there with you, once they have checked out you have to let them go. You do not settle for being second. You accept that people usually don’t change, you accept the truth even when you really want to close your eyes to it. You trust God has a plan for you. You feel the pain, you cry, you keep a diary, you let him go – because he has not been there in the way you need him to be for a long time now. You rely on friends and family to help you get through this, and before you know it you will be able to breath a little easier and walk a little taller. Be kind to yourself. You will survive. And where ever he goes there he is. Just be glad that your conscience is clean and you can look in the mirror and sleep at night knowing that you are a good person. YOU WILL GET THROOUGH THIS!

     I will be thinking of you.

     Christy

227. Comment by Debbie on 17 February 2010:

     So I had a 5 year realationship with my ex who is 25 and I am 43 we were together for 5 years begged me to give him a child 3 years ago when she was two and a half he cheated and left me for another women. I did not at that time think I could live without him in my life. It was 2 months of crying laying on the couch unable to function . with the help of me girlfriends it has now been 7 months and I dont even think about him. It is possible to move on even if the first couple months you may think you cant get on you can put your faith in god and have some good friends and I promise it will get easier.

     Debbie

228. Comment by Kira on 18 February 2010:

     Hi there,
     I need some real advice from a clear headed stranger. I am trying to figure out what I should do about my current situation. This is a long story so bear with me…

     About a year and a half ago, I was in a 4 year relationship with my ex, a man I met during University. This man would do anything for me… to the point where our relationship was unbalanced and unhealthy. I believe this imbalance started because of problems with our sex life…he was unable to maintain an erection for me during intercourse or would experience premature ejaculation very quickly. I loved him and stood by him despite this but felt a shameful growing resentment toward him because of our predicament. Our relationship turned into a more of a friendship over time and a partnership, but I was no longer attracted to him in that way. Believe me, I wanted to things to get better with us sexually, and tried many things, but sadly, they never did. Despite all of this, I stayed in the relationship because of how much he loved me.

     Eventually we made a big move together to a totally new place and I met someone new that I felt an intense attraction towards. I felt like this person really “got me” and was scared that if I continued the relationship trying to ignore my feelings for him, something bad would happen, and it eventually did. One night, I went out with this new friend to help him with a work project and we both drank a little too much and he ended up kissing me. It felt like something had exploded inside me. I wanted to stop myself from going any further but ended up sleeping with him back at his place. It was the best sex of my life and I almost felt like I loved him instantly…and he later admitted that he felt the same way about me. I obviously felt extreme guilt and regret at the same time for doing this to my boyfriend so I decided that it was only fair to him to end our relationship right away.

     Instead of waiting to give myself time to process everything that happened, I immediately followed my heart and began spending all my time with this new man. Things were great and the sex only got better and a little later he confessed that he loved me and I told him I felt the same. Things were great for a few months but his contract was ending and he would be returning to his home. We talked about different options of long distance etc, and when he left it was very hard.

     Everything happened so quickly and suddenly he was gone and it didn’t seem real anymore. We talked everyday on the phone or webcam and not long after he confessed that he had made a terrible mistake. He had kissed someone else (nothing more). It hurt so bad but he explained it as being something done almost out of fear of how much he loved me…like he wanted to sabotage things before I hurt him somehow. He said he almost felt like things were too good to be true. I cried and decided to forgive him (something I don’t normally do for infidelity).

     We planned on having a long distance relationship with him coming back and forth for work related things as well. Everything seemed ok and then one night I had people at my house and was sexually assaulted by two men that were supposed to be our mutual “friends.” I felt like it was my fault because he had warned me about one of the individuals, saying he thought an off hand joke he made was creepy and inappropriate. I responded by saying that I thought it was harmless and that I trusted my gut instincts about this person.
     Needless to say, when I told my bf about what had happened he was incredibly upset. He didn’t blame me, but he did say he wished I had just listened to him. The whole thing caused a lot of pain and complicated our relationship, but we wanted to be together somehow anyway.

     He asked if I wanted to move where he was living and try to be together (although we had only been seeing each other for a few months). I wanted to be with him, as I missed him very much, and I also wanted an escape from the small community I lived as I feared running into the men who hurt me.

     I moved to be with him shortly after and had a lot of emotions running through my head. I missed my family, I felt guilt over what had happened. I felt like he blamed me, even though I knew he loved me. To complicate the matter more, he had never lived with a woman before so there were struggles because of this as well. I am slightly obsessive compulsive over how I like things to be neat and tidy…he is more relaxed. I tried to push for things my way, he tried to push for things his way. We tried to compromise but often argued over how things should be done.

     When I moved down, I decided to take time off work and to go on unemployment. I also developed a fear of failure and was scared to go out there and live my life, pursue a career, but I never stopped loving him and he tried to be there for me but eventually his patience thinned. I became depressed and felt lost. We talked and I felt like he was there for me but secretly worried he resented me and thought of me as someone who was holding him down somehow, holding him back.

     We argued over silly things, and I was difficult, and admit that I became closed off to living my life and trying to be happy. I wanted friends but he felt that we could share his together but that I should try and make my own friends that I do things on my own with through other venues. This hurt but I have come across other men who have explained this to me as well and it seems fair.

     To sum up a long story, I stayed on EI and became more and more depressed, scared, and anxious. I pushed him away and was defensive and needy. I don’t think he is perfect either, but nobody is and I love him more than anything. We recently got into an argument over something stupid and I childishly said I wanted to leave. I didn’t, I was just upset and wanted to hurt him. I have a short fuse, and so does he (at times) and sometimes we both say things we regret during disagreements over silly things.

     Later that night, I told him maybe I should really leave because it seemed like he no longer had the patience to care. (nor, can I blame him for that). He said he would help me in any way he could and was very kind but it hurt so much that he didn’t fight for us…say we could make things work. I freaked out. I said I hated him. I said some terrible things and acted like a complete child…something I am incredibly ashamed of.

     The next day I immediately felt regret. Regret over how I behaved and how I had become. I feel that ultimately, I was the major reason for our relationship problems. I begged him to give me one more chance and am honestly going to make some major changes in my life and even see someone professionally about my depression. He said he needed time to think about what to do. I am waiting and praying he gives me another chance. I know that when I begin working, I’ll feel better, I’ll want to do more, I’ll not be such a sad negative person…
     I hope that he believes in me enough to give it one more chance.

     So…my question is…what do you think about this whole thing? and
     What should I do or not do in this situation? Do you think I’m being foolish and that things were destined to fail because of all the other circumstances?

     Thanks for reading. I would appreciate any feedback.

     Kira

229. Comment by AussieExpat on 18 February 2010:

     Hello Kira,

     I hope you don’t mind me replying to your post before Laurie does.

     Truth is, there stands a very good chance that I am familiar with your situation. . . But I think Laurie should definitely comment and get back to you as well.

     Congratulations for touching base with Laurie on this site :>>

     Laurie is not only qualified but has a special gift in writing, advising and connecting with people, pointing others in the right direction.

     If you take the time to read some of the earlier posts on her blog, you may find that there is a lot to learn from other experiences not too dissimilar to yours.

     Before looking outward, you have to look inward :>>

     I would suggest to you that the most important relationship is that with yourself, first and foremost. You need to be completely honest with yourself. If you cannot be honest with yourself, who are you able to be honest with? Otherwise, when it comes to wanting a meaningful relationship with others, there will always be compromise.

     You need to get what is right from within first, before you can look at getting what needs to be done for where you want to go and what you want to achieve in the outside world.

     Knowing destructive patterns and making the effort to break them, once and for all :>>

     You appear to somehow be going in circles. This is normal.

     But these circles have persisted for a very long time, repeating similar mistakes in previous relationships. They appear to include elements of transferring, blaming others at the time, compensating, and then feeling guilty about it later.

     Quite possibly (and I know that criticism or any negative comment at this sensitive time can be very painful to want to listen to or accept), you have been selfish and self-indulgent throughout. But do not beat yourself up on this. We all deserve a break!

     Happiness is dependent upon one :>>

     This brings me to a vital point. You need not be alone in the choices you make. However, ultimately, your happiness is not dependent upon others but yourself.

     Choices are like signs on a road map – they are always there :>>

     We all have choices. It is like reading signs to a road map – they are always there. You just got to know how to read them. Sometimes though, you may not be “wanting” or “willing” to read these signs. Whether or not we choose to navigate, read and accept them – or go in circles – is up to us as individuals.

     It appears that you “may” be at a cross-road in life, ready to take on a new journey. It will not be an easy one. You may hit a few roadblocks along the way, but that is all part of the journey. Life is many journeys.

     Keeping it honest :>>

     Everything else – relationships, work, happiness, self-worth – will not materialise until you get what matters within yourself right first. Honesty, and keeping it honest, is number one.

     Never too late to make changes :>>

     It is never too late to make changes, but ultimately, the older we get the harder it becomes. You just have to know what is at stake if you don’t. Is it worth the risk to do nothing or continue to cut corners?

     Should not aim to do things alone :>>

     There is too much crap out there in the real world. It is easy to get distracted, tempted or bogged down and lose a sense of self along the way. Your current partner sounds like a real good find.

     You may though be placing too much pressure and responsibility on him, for you. Having a healthy circle of friends with genuine people, helps us keep grounded. (I don’t think I need tell you the benefit of having active interest in other areas). It also helps us defuse into other areas sometimes, than bring all tensions home.

     Neediness & draining positive energy :>>

     Your partner seems like a solid, balanced guy that really loves you. But there is a limit as to how far a person can go. It runs the risk of destroying those that care about you in the process.

     Keep in mind that if you do not get your relationship with yourself right, you may be subjecting yourself to addictive traits as a means of escape and potential abuse. Chances are, there is a good chance that something like this has already happened. . . But only you really know. You’re in control though as to how far you want this to perpetuate.

     Consider seeking counselling :>>

     You sound like a very independent woman, with great strength and a determination to never quit. Some qualified assistance though may be worth considering.

     Some of the issues and patterns you mention run deep and repeat themselves. They cannot get sorted overnight with just a few posts or good friends. There are people qualified to assist people in similar situations learn to sort out what really matters.

     It does sound like you already know what some of these patterns and destructive traits may be. Using a counsellor may assist you clearly identify these and map out for you constructive and progressive options.

     (There are some excellent counselling services though if you do not have the financial means, run independent of government agencies, in almost every western country).

     Should you not get your relationship with yourself right first, then no matter what happens, you will always compromise – your work, your relationships with others at all levels, future loved ones, yourself.

     In the long term, is your happiness and sense of self-worth worth compromising on?

     Best of luck – and apologies for such a lengthy reply!

     AE

230. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 20 February 2010:

     AussieExpat — thank you for your kind words above, and for giving your thoughts to Kira. There isn’t much I can add!

     Dear Kira,

     I’m so sorry for what you went through with those men — I’m not sure if you pressed charges or not, but you have to remember that it was NOT your fault. No matter what led up to the assualt, you have the right to say no and stop things from progressing. The minute you say no and a man doesn’t listen, then it’s assault — and the best recourse is to press charges (though not the easiest!).

     If you think you’re the source of most of your relationhip problems, then you need to figure out where those problems are coming from. I can’t help you with that here — you need to talk to a counselor (like my friend above suggested). You’re dealing with a traumatic experience and serious emotional issues (depression, guilt, shame about the assault).

     You seem quite self-aware and eager to take responsibility for your actions and attitude — and that’s great! I second AussieExpat’s observations that you seem independent, strong, and determined.

     But, you’re also totally absorbed and enmeshed in your relationship, and you need an objective person to help you untangle the emotions, motivations, and hopes for the future. I encourage you to call a women’s help line and ask them to recomment a therapist, or call a counselor directly. Sometimes all we need is a session or two to un-muddy our thinking and de-tangle our emotions.

     Also — getting emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy as an individual woman is SO important to having a healthy loving relationship (like my friend said above!). That’s a compelling reason to get counseling — to improve your own health and wellness (as well as learn how to build a healthy love relationship).

     I hope this helps, and wish you all the best. Call counselor, and let us know how things go…

     Blessings,
     Laurie

231. Comment by Amanda on 22 February 2010:

     Hi,
     From what I’ve read you are a very compassionate individual who gives great advice. I can probably already guess what you would tell me because I know that the outcome of my situation is best but the pain is so real. I am a mom to a four year old and had been involved in a relationship with a man who also had a four year old off and on for the past two years. Immediately we had such a strong connection and our love grew quite quickly. Our children are so close, they are best friends. Despite this love for each other and our desire to have a happy family, we have never been able to make it work. We differ in parenting styles and this has been quite a struggle. We talked about this in the beginning of our relationship but our differences are so much more apparent now. He is very strict with his daughter- he was in the military and has very high expectations. I, on the other hand, am more relaxed. I am a preschool teacher so I know the importance of patience when raising children. I also have an illness and am recieving chemotherapy. I feel sick and tired and have no energy to do the things I once used to. He has tried to be understanding but I know that it is hard for him to deal with. This growing unhappiness between us has caused us to go separate ways. We have tried counseling and tried reading all different relationship books but in the end, we are just not happy together. I still love him and his daughter more than I could ever describe and this pain of losing them is keeping me up at night. I wanted us to have such a happy family but I know that it is not the best environment for me or my son. He deserves to have a happy mother. What do I do to get over this pain and what can I do to help my son as well? In a way I want to remain friends with him so that our children can have contact with each other but I’m not sure that that is even the best thing to do.

     Thank you.

232. Comment by Real conflict on 23 February 2010:

     What advice do you give to a professional woman, who is otherwise strong and independent, on cutting mental ties to an abusive partner? I have cut all physical ties to an abusive partner, but often times cant stop thnking about him, hoping that he is not mad at me (not out of fear, but ot of my weird desire to please him, partly because I like the feeling of being pleased???) Anyways, I have somehow found myself ending a newer different relationship after one year beacuse this new guy also became abusive (after a freaking year, just my luck!). Now I feel more stupid than ever and find myself with idiotic conclusion……..if this is a part of relationships, and if I am gonna deal with abuse, then I might as well take it from the man I love (the first abusive guy). What’s even more unreal, is that with my background in healthcare, I studied these type of co-dependent relationships, I know all the signs, symptoms,etc., and yet I feel trapped as if I am trying to climb out of quick sand! Not mention, all of my friends see me as being weak and stupid and refuse to get involved anymore (I have exhausted many friendships).

233. Comment by Whipped on 24 February 2010:

     My gf/not-the-gf has recently gotten back in touch with her ex, and has continued to obsess and focus on that lost relationship for the last 2 months. She has placed her energies and efforts into the hopes that she can breath life back into that abusive relationship(both physically and mentally) and has left our relaqtionship broken and dying. Unfortunately I have read some things she has written to her ex, and have been devastated by the tenderness and love that she has shown the ex, in light of the anger andlack of patience that has ben directed towards me.

     She pushes me away one day, then wants to pull me back days later. She wants the ex, but does not have the courage to let me go, and as of yet, I have not found the courage to let go of her… but I want to as I know that it is the best thing for me. She simply is no longer healthy for me.

     My fear is that I will be making the wrong decision in letting go. I simply do not know what to do… HELP!

234. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 February 2010:

     Hi Amanda,

     I’m sorry to hear that you and Military Man couldn’t work it out, and am impressed that you tried counseling! You certainly are from different worlds, and I’ve said it many times: love does NOT conquer all, as much as we wish it would. We need more than love to build a strong relationship; we need a strong meeting of the minds, which you and your partner didn’t have.

     I can’t tell you what the right thing to do is — that is, if you should stay in contact with him so your kids can remain close. But, I encourage you to examine your deepest motivation for staying in contact: is it because you can’t let go of him, or because you think your son won’t be able to make new friends and move on? Something tells me your son will be sad to lose his friend, but will fill the gap in his life with other playmates.

     I also encourage you to think about your future. One day, you’ll be ready to date a new man — and that day will come sooner if you’ve let go of your past! When you do start dating, it may be healthier and happier for everyone if you don’t have ties to your last boyfriend. And, when Military Man starts dating again, you’ll be spared that heartache — especially if he’s ready to date before you are!

     My best advice, I think, is to take at least a six month break from him. Rebuild your life, heal your heart, and give yourself closure. In six months, when you’ve had time to heal, you can decide if your son would really be better off with Military Man’s child in his life…or if you’re happy with the life you’ve built.

     I hope this helps, and that you heal faster than you realize!

     Blessings,
     Laurie

235. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 February 2010:

     Real conflict,

     One of my friends is a social worker and counselor who spent the past 20 years with men who were dependent and emotionally unhealthy. She knew better, and even counseled women who were in relationships that were going nowhere, but she hasn’t yet found a healthy, happy love relationship.

     So, I know that we can be smart, strong, independent, and professional…and still unable to get our love lives together!

     I encourage you to talk to a counselor, and figure out what’s drawing you to these types of men and these types of relationships. Getting some solid, objective insight and awareness into your motivations and psyche will help you let go of those obsessive thoughts about your ex.

     But, since I’m all about tips, here’s an article that might help:

     How to Overcome Obsessive Thoughts About Your Ex

     And regarding exhausting your friendships, I encourage you to stop talking about your relationship(s) with them. Use your time with your friends to take a break from obsessing, from dwelling on relationships. Instead, focus on empowering yourselves, being grateful for the good parts of your life, and planning exciting things for the future!

     Blessings,
     Laurie

236. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 February 2010:

     Whipped,

     I’m not sure what you mean by “making the wrong decision in letting go.” Your girlfriend wants to revive her old relationship, and is using you as a security blanket. She wants the best of all possible worlds, and you’re giving it to her! Unfortunately, it’s destroying your soul.

     What good could come out of staying with her and supporting her emotionally as she tries to fix her old relationship? Do you think she’ll realize what a great guy you are, and be happy that you didn’t break up with her? Maybe, but the odds are that she’ll move on to someone different if things don’t work out with her past boyfriend. For some reasons, she’s not committed to your relationship — and I doubt that she’ll suddenly have a change of heart.

     It sounds like she’s confused and has no idea what — or who — she wants. I encourage you to give her the time and space she needs to figure that out. Give her a chance to miss you, and to see what not having you around is really like. You’ll have to find strength and courage to do this, my friend, but I suspect you have it in you!

     Blessings,
     Laurie

237. Comment by richard on 1 March 2010:

     I REALLY NEED ADVICE SERIOUSELY COS AM LOSING MY LIFE NOW AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT THAT..I HAVE A WOMAN IN MY LIFE I LOVE SO MUCH FOR THE PAST 6YEARS.HER MUM HATES ME SO MUCH COS I DON’T HAVE MONEY AND HER SISTER DOES NOT EVEN WANT TO SEE MY FACE.BUT I DO ALL I COULD TO HELP THE GIRL WOMAN I HAVE MONEY.I ALWAYS TO MYSELF THAT AM NOT PERFECT BUT I CAN DO WHAT I CAN FOR THE ONE I LOVE.I LOVE THE GIRL SO MUCH TO HE EXTENDS THAT SHE ALL I HAVE ON MY MINE AND I DON’T THINK OF ANY OTHER THING,AND SEE DOES NOT APPRECIATE ME FOR ONCE IN HER LIFE..SHE GOES OUT THERE TO FLIRT WITH GUYS COS I CAN’T GIVE HER MONEY BUT WHEN I HAVE I SHARE WITH HER..COULD YOU BELIEVE SINCE I STARTED DATING THE GIRL,SHE HAS NEVER GIVEN ME ANYTHING AND I DON’T CARE ABOUT THAT COS I KNOW SHE DOES NOT HAVE AS AT NOW AND SHE MIGHT HAVE SOMEDAY TO COME..ANYTIME WE TALK,SHE TELLS ME THAT I DON’T HAVE MONEY AND SHE IS TIRED OF THIS STUPID RELATIONSHIP WE HAVING AND I HAVE EXPLAINED EVERYTHING TO HER THAT I LOVE HER AND SHE SHOULD KEEP THE FIRE BURNING COS NOBODY KNOWS TOMORROW AND WHEN I HIT THE TARGET I WILL MAKE HER THE HAPPINESS WOMAN IN THE WORLD AND IS THE SAME GIRL AM HAVING NOW THAT MADE ME CLOSE MY ACCOUNT AND NOW AM BROKE BUT AM STILL WITH HER..WHEN SHE GET SOMETHING SHE HIDE FROM ME AND I HAVE TOLD HER THAT I DON’T NEED HER MONEY COS SHE DOES NOT HAVE SO THE LITTLE SHE GET SHE SHOULD KNOW HOW TO SAVE COS IS NOT ALL THAT SHE WILL COME FOR MONEY FROM ME..I TRUELY LOVE LOVE THIS GIRL SO MUCH AND I WANT HER TO BE THE MOTHER OF MY UNBORN KIDS.I CAN’T SAY ALL THE STORY COS THE MORE I SAY THE MORE I FEEL HURT AND I WANT TO LET HER GO SO THAT I CAN LOOK FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO START A LIFE…WHEN I OFFEND HER LITTLE,SHE GOES NY SAYING WE SHOULD QUIT AND I DO BEG HER ALOT BUT WILL STILL SAY WE SHOULD QUIT..THEN I WILL SAY COOL WITH ME BUT FEW DAYS SHE WILL CALL ME BACK AND TELL ME SHE WAS SORRY FOR THAT COS SHE WAS BORED WITH ME AND SHE IS HURTING ME SO MUCH AND I NEVER SAID ANYTHING OF THAT I DON’T LOVE HER BEFORE IN MY LIFE AND I WANT THE BEST BUT SHE DOES NOT UNDERSTANDS ME..AS NOW I WANT TO LET HER GO BUT IS VERY HARD FOR ME TO DO THAT AND I WANT TO HAVE SOMEONE I CAN SHARE MY LIFE WITH AND NOT SOMEONE WHO WILL HURT ME ALL THE TIME..SO PLEAS I NEED YOUR ADVICE ON WHAT TO DO COS MY HEART IS NOT SAFE..AND ONE THING I HATE ABOUT IS THAT SHE TOO MUCH DEMANDING…THANK YOU.

238. Comment by Augustina on 2 March 2010:

     Laurie, though I haven’t had contact w/my ex for over a week now and do not plan to in order for me to move on, how do i let go of something he said to me at our last meeting. He said our relationship “almost” worked out. I was floored. Because honestly, he’s the one that gave up on us, and was not willing to put anymore energy into our issues to work them out. So how does a relationship ALMOST work or not work out? Seems to me it either does or it doesn’t. His comment is driving me nuts and i’m pretty sure it was more about himself than about the relationship or me. I just need some help in letting this (and him) go. We are definitely broken up and i do not intend to see or speak with him again. Thank-you for any words of wisdom you can give me.

239. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 3 March 2010:

     Dear Richard,

     I’m afraid that sometimes love isn’t enough to heal all the problems that some relationships bring. That is, you can love her more than life itself…but that doesn’t guarantee a happy love life or strong relationship.

     It sounds like you’re both back and forth on your relationship. Neither of you can let go because you do love each other….but you have to ask yourself if she is helping you be your best self and live your best life. Is she helping you achieve your goals and dreams? Is she helping you live the life you want — and be the man you want?

     Being strong and courageous sometimes means letting go of the ones we love. And, after we’ve had time to heal and move on, we realize that it wasn’t love that was holding us together after all…it was fear, insecurity, or desperation.

     I encourage you and her to take a six month break from each other. Take some time and space to figure out what you want out of a love relationshop. Figure out if you can make things work as a couple, or if you should let her go. You CAN find the courage it takes to let go of her for six months!

     You deserve better than someone who hurts you all the time, my friend.

     Blessings,
     Laurie

240. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 3 March 2010:

     Dear Augustina,

     I think that letting go of something your boyfriend said to you really is a question of mind over matter! You’re letting it drive you nuts — and yet you yourself say that his comment says more about him than you or your relationship.

     You think one thing, and he thinks another. Even if you both thought the same thing, the end result is the same: you’re not meant to be together.

     So, I encourage you to shake it off. Chalk it up to two different opinions. The main point is that your relationship didn’t work out — and it really doesn’t matter WHY, or that it ALMOST worked out (which I agree doesn’t make alot of sense!). But whether or not it makes sense is secondary to the fact that you’re letting him control your thoughts. He made some offhand remark, and you’re obsessing about it!

     If you can’t shake it off (which is often easier said than done), I suggest that you find some way to get it out of your system. Write all your feelings out in a journal or diary, or sign up for an high-intensity exercise that helps you burn off the frustration, anger, or confusion. Talk to a counselor. Paint with watercolors or draw with charcoal.

     Somehow, find a way to burn off that negative energy so you can get on with your life!

     Blessings,
     Laurie

241. Comment by AussieExpat on 4 March 2010:

     I saw my ex last night at 2am, in a place people in this city call Dusk to Dawn. Does not take much to guess why!?

     She looked a complete shadow of her self and absolute waste. There was nothing attractive about her, on the inside. She seemed very unhappy, was very drunk, and she was trying to wrap her arms around every guy she could. She was also with a girl friend from Shanghai, whom she told me last year that she did not want to be with, because her girl friend always went off the rails and made everything be about her. Also commented how her girl friend never spent time with her children. Ironic. Unfortunately sad.

     Then, when my ex told me she was finally getting a divorce and that there was no going back (with her or her husband), I told her that I was leaving the country. As I leave in April to set up company. Final words were, I hate you.

     She seems very alone, very vulnerable and (I don’t like to say it because it is so judgmental) defeated.

     I realised a long time ago that I can no longer afford to care, for her or the kids, as I no longer have any responsibility or control. But it bugs me to see someone worse off. I would have been much happier, for her and for me, to see her happy, full of energy and kicking up a storm with the best of life. After all, that is what I aspire to in myself. . . I also know what it is to lose hope. Depression can be very traumatic in its self.

     I did leave the place. I had no qualms about leaving or staying, as it did not matter any more. But it is sad when you know you cannot help or do anything for someone any more.

     Just really rambling on here. . . You only get equal to or less than the amount of respect you give towards yourself. . . My caring things I am a big part of the problem.

242. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 7 March 2010:

     Dear AussieExpat,

     Wow – it sounds like you’ve really come a long way since we first “met”! You’re seeing your ex for who she is, with some distance and objectivity. That can be healthy, even though it sounds like she’s not in a great place. But, sometimes we really do have to hit rock bottom before we can rise up.

     Are you glad to be leaving the country in April? I remember when you were talking about how difficult it was to be in the same vicinity as her…and now you won’t be.

     You really are letting go of her, and as difficult and sad as it is that you can’t help her…it sounds like you’re healing and growing.

     Blessings,
     Laurie

243. Comment by AussieExpat on 7 March 2010:

     Hey Laurie,

     The real page-turner was this morning. I was competing in the King of The Hills – a mountain marathon. Last month, I chose to skip it, as I had just come out of hospital and knew she was there. Also knew I did not feel mentally or physically strong enough to want to rock my energy levels.

     Today, I saw her, did not acknowledge or even think twice about looking at her, knowing that she had been looking at me.

     Best part, I went into the race completely focused on me – mentally, physically and what I had to do to cross the finishing line. Came 9th overall, out of a 300 competitors and in treacherous conditions. . . And then moved on to catch up with some friends for some island hopping.

     The best part – although we have both made mistakes – is that I know I have done the right thing. Just hope she gets to work things out in a manner that is best for her and her children.

     Time will tell. I may never get to know, but that too is okay.

     P.S. With regards to the job – yes, very happy with my choices but took some time for me to be convinced to move. Can see a lot of growth, professionally, personally and in the challenges ahead.

     From all this, I have learnt that stability these past few years is one thing I have been lacking. Hence, stability the next few years, in what I do, is one thing I aim to make a constant.

     Best,
     AE

244. Comment by Lhey on 8 March 2010:

     hi, i’m supposed to get married this coming December 2010 but unfortunately me and my fiancee just broke up two weeks ago, for the reason i can’t understand.. he just telling me that i have a third party which is on my side he didn’t give any explanations he just go away and dont want me to talk or explain about what happened..its so hard for me to let go of him,, he told me he love me too much that’s why we’re planning to get maried but why so easily to broke up without explaining my side?? why? i can’t understand…. and i dont know what to do, i feel so helpless.. even his family knows that its my fault without listening to my side… i dont know how to move on and go on to my own life, now he’s gone….

245. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 8 March 2010:

     Dear Lhey,

     I’m very sorry to hear that your fiance broke up with you without an explanation. I don’t know why or how he could just walk away like that, and I can imagine how helpless and heartbroken you feel.

     Maybe he can’t explain why he broke up with you now, but will in the future…sometimes people need time to figure out why they’re making the choices they’re making. Breaking up is hard to do, and sometimes if you’re the one doing the breaking up, you don’t quite know how to express your feelings or thoughts. He might need some time to gather himself together, and maybe one day will explain it to you.

     In the meantime, all I can offer you are my thoughts and prayers as you heal and move on with your life…

     Blessings,
     Laurie