How to Get Over a Break Up When You Have No Relationship Closure
On my article about getting over a breakup, a reader asked how to let go of an ex when you don’t have relationship closure. Here, I describe what relationship closure is and offer suggestions for breaking up when you don’t have closure.
First, a quip:
“It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye.” ~ Anonymous.
The most important thing to remember about getting over a break up is that it’s never “over.” Most people lose a piece of their heart when they lose someone they love. But, life after loss can still be meaningful, happy, and exciting – and there is love and laughter after breaking up! To learn how to rebuild your life and start over, read The Breakup Workbook: A Common Sense Guide to Getting Over Your Ex
What is Relationship Closure?
Relationship closure is when you – whether you’re a married partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, disgruntled colleague, or unhappy family member – don’t discuss why your relationship ended. Relationship closure involves honest, healthy, open-minded, nonjudgmental communication.
In my article about letting go of someone you love, a reader said she doesn’t feel she has closure. Her fiancé of nine years wasn’t honest about why their relationship ended.
Why is Relationship Closure Healthy?
Closure can teach you why your relationship didn’t work out, which helps you let go of someone you love. Closure can help you learn from the mistakes you made. Relationship closure helps you heal by setting your mind at ease. Even if you made mistakes and contributed to an unhealthy relationship, closure can make you stronger by preparing you for future relationships.
Denying someone closure is worse than unhealthy: it’s damaging and destructive.
Why is Relationship Closure So Difficult?
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The rest of this article has been moved to my new site, “Quips and Tips for Love Relationships.”
Please click Letting Go of an Ex Without Relationship Closure to continue reading!
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If you want to get back together with your ex, you might find The Magic of Making Up helpful.
If you have any questions or thoughts on getting over a breakup when you have no relationship closure, please share below…
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Comment by Gini Grey on 17 October 2009:
Hi Laurie, Good article.
Something I’d like to add about no-relationship-closure that might also be helpful is that sometimes the partner ending the relationship doesn’t quite know themselves why they are ending it – it’s more of a feeling or intuitive urge. Because I work from an energetic and spiritual prespective with clients, I’ve seen many times where a relationship that has ended, made no sense to the client I was working with. Even if their partner gave an explanation, they still feel they don’t understand. When they turn inward and look at it from a more energetic/spiritual/intuitve place they begin to see the ‘why’s’. They may not even be able to explain it intellectually but they get it on a deeper level and find peace as a result.
I’d like to suggest to people who are interested in this perspective to take time in a meditative state and look at the relationship as though it is outside of themself (imagine two roses or symbols a few feet in front of you to represent each partner) and notice what messages come when you ask questions such as:
- why were we together (purpose of relationship – to grow, learn, love, heal a pattern etc.)?
- why has it ended (look from both perspectives as sometimes a partner leaves because the other has outgrown them spiritually)?
- what is the benefit of the relationship ending (there is usually a benefit to anything ending even though it feels painful going through the grieving at first)?
- what is my next best step (you might get an image of something, a sensation or just a knowing what to do next).
The important thing is to stay out of the intellect trying to analyze things as that only blocks the higher truth from coming through. Looking at it from a centered, grounded place can be very illuminating.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 October 2009:
Thanks for adding your thoughts about relationhip closure, Gini! I really appreciate the energy/intuitive perspective, and agree that it’s important to look at letting go of someone you love from a deeper level.
Sometimes, finding the benefits of the relationship ending can help lead to closure.
Comment by Brown on 19 October 2009:
Interesting and informative. But will you write about this one more?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 19 October 2009:
Yes, I wrote a follow up to this article. Here’s the link:
Letting Go of Someone You Love When You Don’t Have Closure
Comment by Liz C on 13 January 2010:
My fiance and I seperated 5months ago after 9yrs and 2 children later. He fell right into another relationship 2 weeks later which was a double edge sword. I know its a rebound relationship, but it just showed me why I left…is lack of emotional maturity…I left because I wasn’t growing in the realtionship. I told him that with his choice I couldn’t see or talk to him. It was tooooo painful to take. I was in a place i couldn’t seem to get out of. its been 5 and half months and I just spoke to him about everything that has been bottled up. I called him first and got angre (finally), then I wrote an email expressing more about my angre…which when the angre had been broken off..we spoke in a civil matter and touched alot of things from the past and present. I got off the phone having what I needed to move on, closure.
I walk away still loving him, but I now redirect my focus on me. I know that I will still have my moments, but I do have more control of my emotions, then letting myself ride with them.
When your in this space its hard to get out of, but when you finally hit bottom and scratch your way out…you look back being thankful.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 15 January 2010:
Hi Liz,
Thanks for sharing about your break up — I’m so glad you were able to get some closure on your relationship! Sometimes that’s what we need to heal and move on.
You’ve given people with broken hearts hope for the future….thank you!
Laurie
Comment by Carol on 20 January 2010:
I have just gotten out of a 6 year relationship with someone I grew up with. We were at that stage where we were either going to get engaged or things were going to end. For a long time I was feeling restless but I stayed for comfort. During this time I allowed myself to get very close to one of our guy friends and I ended up falling in love with him. Falling in love with my friend gave me the strength I needed to leave my boyfriend. I told my friend how I felt but he was dating someone at the time and is now in a committed relationship with her. I have decided that its time to let go. This isn’t easy as I truly thought he was the one but I believe that everything happens for a reason.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 21 January 2010:
Dear Carol,
I’m glad you found the strength you needed to leave your boyfriend! Even if you don’t end up with your new friend, it’s great that you’re free to rebuild your life and reconnect with someone else in the future.
Maybe he was your “transitional man” — the one you needed to pry you away from the guy who wasn’t right for you. Like you said, everything happens for a reason!
I wish you all the best,
Laurie
Comment by renee on 1 February 2010:
Hello all, maybe you all can help me. I am having a hard time letting go of the father of my children. To kind of make a long story short, im 34, hes 32, we have two children together. we broke up many years ago and just recently went back to dating. when we broke up before, it wasnt by choice but he had to go away so we drifted apart. i was left to raise the kids alone and i struggled. he came home 5 years later and i was in another relationship with someone i was very compatible with. that relationship ended, he was not ready. i never had any intentions on being back with my kids father. i was still hurt over my ex leaving. my kids father was a rebound for me and he was doing everything right! We were dating and he was just so king and considerate to me but i was not ready to give him me again, he kept pressuring me, i then jumped into with him and i always told him that if we were to ever be back together, we would have to be commited and get married so hear i am, not even a year out of my other relationship and now im back with the father of my kids planning a wedding. all the while, my heart wouldnt rest, i knew with my kids father wasnt where i was to be yet, so i told him lets slow things down and get to know each other again, well things then went all wrong. i dont know if he was hurt or what but we were not ready to get married and we were just doing because we both felt we should. so i found out he was seeing others and then started to act differently towards me, not our kids but he didnt wanna spend time with me or anything. he changed because i told him no marraige but come to find out he wasnt ready either. anyway, this was a year ago. i then got over my ex and wanted me and my kids father to be together, i felt after he wheeled me back in, he had me but it was like he did that and then changed his mind. he wouldnt talk, just would not wanna talk, wouldnt return text messages, he was seeing someone 8 years younger then him and i was just hurt. we went thru it for a while, i started dating back in June 2009, all this happend prior to that, i got tired of chasing him and him running so i went to move on, i had a friend, nothing major, here comes my kids father, wanting to be back with me, i made the mistake of not asking him what his intentions were and was he ready to be commited, we kind of just fell back in with one another… we took short trips, he did tell me he felt like he was ready to settle so of course i took it and ran with it, we were doing the relationship thing for 6 months til this past September 2009, we had trust issues, he just started doing things like hanging out all day and night and he knew that wasnt exceptable. i just felt like whats going on, i thought u wanted to be here, why are you doing this… we had maybe 2 or three huge huge arguments and i found out he was still seeing that other person, we broke up, he seemd happy and just thought we could go back to just being parents of our children…. so i got past that and he did but i still havent let him go, we still do family day with our children, he still takes me on dates, he buys me birthday presents, Christmas presents, we are still having relations, he pays all my bills while im out of work. he does all this but we are not in a commited relationship. I want more and im settling. He told me he is not ready finally and that it has nothing to do with other females and i just found out he is pursuing another woman. i just dont know how to feel or what to do. he just took me to dinner last Thursday and then that night he was texting another woman asking to see her. I have so much going for myself and i just cant get past him chasing me all that time only to get me and paly games and now it seems im just convienient for him. im with him and the kids on every holiday, im with his family and they love me…. i just dont know what he wants but i need the strength and the closer to walk away but its hard…. PLEASE HELP ME
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 2 February 2010:
Dear Renee,
You need to find the strength to let go of this man, because he’s not interested in building a relationship with you. You know he’s not committed to you, you know he’s chasing other women, and you know he doesn’t make you feel good about yourself as a woman.
How can you find the strength and courage to let go of him? You could try and figure out why you’re having such a hard time breaking up with him. It’s not just because you love him…there’s something else there. Maybe you’re scared nobody else will love you, or maybe you don’t think you deserve to be loved. I don’t know. You could think about getting counseling to help you figure out what’s holding you back.
Another option is to read up on letting go of unhealthy relationships. Go to your local library and browse through the relationships section until you find the books that resonate with you.
Call a counselor or women’s help line, and let me know how it goes…
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Merle on 4 March 2010:
Question: I met and married a guy that I worked with, at the time I had three children from a previous relationship of 16 yrs, he had been married 3 times with numerous girlfriends/fiancee’s (found out afterwards). Anyway to cut a long story short, we have been married for 13+ years and know that my children (20,17 & 14) are older and able to stand up to him with his verbal abuse he has turned everything round and left blaming the children for him leaving telling everyone they verabally abuse and swear at him which is just not true. I however for some stupid reason still love him and miss him but no matter how much I try talk to him he doesnt return my emails or texts about where our relationship is going. He does talk to me every day though, I am just so confused and feeling as if I have lost a part of me (like someone has died). How do I move on and stop chasing him like a lost dog.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 7 March 2010:
Hi Merle,
I’m sorry to hear about your relationship — that’s sad, that he’s not willing to talk about where your marriage is going. But I have to say, it sounds like you’re better off without him! I know that getting over a breakup isn’t necessarily easier when the relationship was unhealthy — and when you don’t have relationship closure. But, it may help to remember that your marriage wasn’t lifting you or your kids up…and sometimes the worst thing that can happen to us (divorce, separation, lost love) can turn out to be the best.
I’ve written several articles on letting go of someone you love, and won’t repeat all that information here. But, these links might help — and I encourage you to read the guest comments. They’ll help you see you’re not alone, and that you CAN heal and move on from this heartbreak.
What to Do When He Doesn’t Love You Anymore
How to Let Go of Someone You Love
Each article has links to other similar articles. I hope this helps, and wish you the best of luck.
Blessings,
Laurie