Comments on: How to Cope With Your Partner’s Depression – Living With a Depressed Spouse

By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 16:04:07 +0000

Hi Michelle,

It’s great to hear from you again ~ I love when people come back!

I subscribed you with the email address you provided, and hope it works…you should have received a confirmation.

Cheers,
Laurie

By: Michelle

Michelle — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 01:09:57 +0000

Hi Laurie! I’m the Michelle that was commenting in July. I just referred someone to your blog and decided I’d like to subscribe again but when I click subscribe, I don’t get what I need to subscribe. Is there a problem? May I still subscribe? Thanks, Michelle

By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 00:03:07 +0000

Ahh, I see, Susan — I apologize for misunderstanding you!

That’s great about your meditation classes and counseling, because those activities will keep you connected with yourself. And, they’ll keep you physically and emotionally healthy.

When you say that all the joy has gone out of your life, it makes me wonder if your happiness is tied to your partner? I think all of us — men and women — need to find happiness and joy in multiple sources. Work is one source…and so are hobbies, travel, recreation, family, creativity, movement, volunteering, exploring nature, cooking, reading, gardening….there are so many possibilities to experience happiness!

I think it’s important to create a life that offers fulfillment and happiness on many levels, so that if one light goes out, then we have others burning.

You’re not ready to let go of your partner, and I shouldn’t have pushed you in that direction or imply that the relationship is over! That was my mistake. But, you don’t have to be in a broken relationship to mourn the changes that your partner’s depression brought to your relationship — and to your hopes for your relationship. Your partner is different than you expected and hoped for, and I think you need to let go of that. Maybe you have — and maybe that’s part of the process of accepting him for who he is.

You didn’t do anything terrible! You gave up everything for him, but it wasn’t enough to save him from his depression — and it’s not enough to create a healthy relationship. Your partner needs to recover and heal…and giving him that space may be more difficult than loving him up, but it may be the best thing you could do for your relationship!

I wish you health and joy in your life, my friend. And, please feel welcome to come back anytime and let me know how you’re doing, and how he’s feeling….

Laurie

PS About the meditation — it really does take practice, like any exercise! The more you do it, the easier and more satisfying it’ll get…

By: Susan

Susan — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 20:42:57 +0000

Thanks Laurie for your response and your time,

We might have been at cross purposes a little as my original query about recovery was focussed on his recovery from depression – not mine from the broken relationship. I am trying to help his recovery by giving him the space to ‘recover’ he has requested but this is really hard for me as I miss him, his touch and the many good things we shared and it adds to my unhappiness. As I said I sent a photo a couple of weeks ago – just to let him know I was here and caring – I’ve bought a book which I’ll send along, perhaps next week, for the same reason. Hopefully not to pressure him but just to confirm that I’m thinking of him, he needed so much attention, praise and help that I’m concerned about him being totally alone as both his daughters are away at university – and very tied up in their own lives.

I started meditation classes 5 weeks ago and counselling last week so I am trying to do something positive to help myself but the way I cope (or have coped with major problems in the past) is by understanding and so far I have no answers. Except all the information on depression which I’ve subsequently read; all information that I bitterly regret not wanting to believe\accept when I looked it up the first time round. I just can’t understand how anyone (no matter how severe the problem) can treat another human being with such callous, clinical cruelty while simulataneously asserting their boundless caring, supportive qualities. Unless the gap between what he (in his heart) knows is good and kind and his own behaviour is just one of the things he is denying.

You are telling me to rebuild my own life and implying that the relationship is over. But I just don’t think I can accept that. I spend half my life hoping for a text, a call, a letter anything that will provide some hope even though I’m scared to think about how I would cope when he returns.
I am 60 years old and was just about to retire (as he wished so that we could spend more quality time together??)so I’ve stayed on at work; to give me some purpose and something to fill my days and, as my siblings live away, I need to be alert and on hand for my elderly mum. So even though all the joy has gone out of my life I really am trying to keep going. I’d like to understand what terrible thing I must have done to make him destroy myself, my life and my future so completely when I did everything in my power to love, help and support him. I put him, and his needs, before me as I have done with everyone all my life.

I do appreciate that I sound like a complete wet; I am floundering though I will persist with the counselling and will try and get a grip. So far I am absolutely hopeless at meditation with so many things whizzing round my head.
Susan

By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 04:29:47 +0000

Dear Susan,

I’m so sorry to hear how things are unfolding between you and the love of your life…it sounds like you’ve been through so much with him.

I encourage you to focus on getting as emotionally and spiritually healthy as you can. And, I think that involves talking to a counselor or therapist. You need to get in-person support as you progress towards healing and wholeness…and that can be BOTH a slow process and a blinding flash! That is, you may experience spurts of growth and health, and then lose ground for whatever reason (including your monthly cycle and hormones).

Healing from a broken relationship takes time, and it’s different for everyone. But since you’re in so much despair and grief, I urge you to talk to a professional. You need an objective eye and clarity — and the guidance of someone who can help you heal.

Also, there’s no point in wondering how you’ll forgive him if he returns. Who knows if he’ll come back — and who knows if you’ll even want him if he DID come back?

Instead of focusing on him, I encourage you to get strong and healthy as a woman. A single, strong, healthy woman.

Call a counselor or women’s help line, and let me know how it goes!

Blessings,
Laurie

By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 03:32:53 +0000

Hi Andrew, It sounds like your wife had an emotional affair -- and is still involved with her "friend." I've written several articles about emotional affairs. Check these out, and let me know if they help: How to Recognize an Affair of the Heart Tips for Surviving an Emotional Affair Laurie

By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 03:26:39 +0000

Dear Zenn,

If your girlfriend is violent, then you need to end the relationship immediately! There is absolutely no reason to stay in a relationship that is so abusive — and depression is NOT an excuse for that type of treatment.

I think you need to ask yourself why you’re staying in a relationship with someone who is so destructive, who treats you so badly. Ending unhealthy relationships isn’t about running away from problems or giving up — it’s about making wise choices and taking responsibility for your life!

Since you can’t change your girlfriend, you need to figure out what you can do to change your situation. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you think you need an outside professional opinion…and I hope you call a counselor or free support line for help.

The bottom line is, I think you’re in an unhealthy relationship. And, I think you’re staying in it for the wrong reasons…and I hope you find the in-person support you need to get out of it.

Keep in touch — I’d love to hear how things are going for you….

Blessings,
Laurie

By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 02:54:45 +0000

Hi Jane,

I think that the only thing worse than suffering from depression — and letting it affect your loved ones — is not getting help with it! Some emotional health issues do resolve themselves, but many need to be treated by a counselor, psychologist, life coach, etc.

Of course you don’t want to abandon your boyfriend…but you also don’t want to “enable” him or help him stay where he is. I don’t know what exactly you can do to help him and your relationship, but I think you should talk to someone in person. You need to run through your relationship and your boyfriend’s ways of handling life with someone who is objective and skilled in helping people coping with depression. And, who can help loved ones like you cope with partners who are depressed!

So, I encourage you to call a counselor, help line, or even a psychologist who specializes in depression to figure out you can help your boyfriend and improve your relationship.

I hope you come back and let me know how things go…

Blessings,
Laurie

By: Susan

Susan — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 21:33:59 +0000

Hello,
My story is of a very unhappy life; 33 years of living hell in an unhappy marriage due mainly to a number of other people’s needs being more important than mine eg my younger son – a lung disease victim. After my separation it took me 5 years to recover then 2 years ago I met a wonderful man and we quickly feel head-over-heels in love and I had so many new and happy experiences – it seemed as if someone was smiling on me at last. This man is the love of my life. A few things concerned me: he had no friends, he was very critical of other people, he used words like belittle, status and was ‘touchy’. After about 3 months he told me that he had a depression problem (I think it had been ongoing for 12\18 months at that point) but things were looking up with our relationship though it never seemed to totally improve during our 1st year. He was also on benefits on account of this problem. At the time I admit I was fairly shocked, tried hard to be supportive but found it a bit difficult as I had (somehow) come through a truly awful life. However he had a traumatic divorce when his wife left him with young children to bring up when she left for a rich man destroying their business which left him mid 50s with no job and two very young children. She never provide a word or a single penny of support or help despite an affluent lifestyle.This was followed by an unhappy relationship with an abusive ‘power woman’.
During that first year there were a couple of incidents when he withdrew rather than admit he was wrong and that caused me huge distress as I’m a kindly sort who alway puts other people before myself. He also needed a great deal of help and support so much so that I felt almost squeezed dry especially as I had gone into the relationship feeling as if I just needed someone or me – but I was doing so much giving and little receiving. However we were inseparable and totally in love and had some many good times. Though I was reluctant to divorce and marry him, despite his requests, mainly due to a nagging concern about his behaviour.
In our second year together I suffered an endless stream of blows; my mother & sister both struck with cancer, my sick son had 4 major crises, an uncle and a close friend died a dear friend had a traumatic pregancy and eventual Down’s child and I needed help and support but little was forthcoming. His interest felt mechancal,as if he was reading questions from ‘The Kind Persons’ Guide’ and when he got to no. 6 it was time to forget it totally and go to sleep. He went from being ‘touchy’ to selfish & quite unkind. There was a major incident when I got back from a clinic where my mother’s cancer had been diagnosed and really needed some kindness and support. He’d had a problem with one of his daughters that I asked him to keep while the next day so I could cope but he continued pressing his story until, in despair, I shouted out that I couldn’t take a ’selfish family’ story that day. Result he withdrew totally for 5 days when I was in despair. All this time he was strongly asserting that he was a kind, caring, supportive person when his actual behaviour was the opposite. He could never, ever say sorry or accept any fault for anything.
It seemed as if my needs were some sort of pressure that, caused him to start pulling back from me and this, in turn, caused me much unhappiness and tension. About this time too his financial situation was becoming desperate as he had almost exhausted his savings. This continued for 5 months me becoming more anxious and him more difficult, the last few weeks much more so with ‘odd behaviour’ I didn’t recognise the depression storm clouds though he was becoming more sel-absorbed and clincially cruel. Then a huge row when all my fears and concerns erupted. I know I went over the top and I now know that this pushed his condition over the top too – this grieves me and I feel so guilty. I rang him after a week and we spoke and met up a few times – but he was distant and unwilling to discuss anything but mundane things – any suggestion of ‘us’ or my feelings brought a complete blank or the phone going down.
I was distraught, unhappy, griefstricken, angry – everything and he was clinically detached “we had argued, he had been offended and had withdrawn, totally normally, understandable and entirely justified, any mention of my feelings brought stares of disbelief.
After a month of this I visited him and brought up the subject of ‘us’. He (the love of my life) looked at me as if I was a thick, tiresome piece of trash and said slowly that “it might have ’seemed’ like we were in love but sometimes partners like me assumed their partner returned their feelings when they did not. That it was a bit strange the he had been head-over-heels in love with his former abusive girlfried, but that he felt nothing for me even though I was the kindest, most considerate, most caring, generous and thoughtful person he had ever met. If there was any chance that he might find some feelings for me I had to leave him completely alone for him to ‘recover’. I was in total despair and spoke of my unhappiness and the wonderful things we had shared”. He is response was that my feelings were not under consideration – what he wanted had to happen but there was only the very slightest chance he would find something feeling for me and that my thoughts were completely irrelevant.
Since then I have been near-suicidal with grief and loss, also been angry and disbelieving about his callous cruelty,everyday has been a nightmare and I have had so little happiness in my life. I have been in touch just one in the last couple of months – I sent him a photo of himself; just to let him know that I was here and caring. I got a thanks email but no reply to my response. I am so hurt and wounded and since then have read all the internet info I could find so now appreciate the depression aspects and not to take things personally but too late.
I really don’t know what to do, to try and help him or me. Do people really recover from this, I don’t think he has consulted his doctor recently though he was on medication earlier in the year and having counselling later (I’m pretty certain he was telling her lies or recounting things out of context so that he never appeared to be anything but perfect). If so after how long and what happens, is it a slow process or a ‘blinding flash?. I fear that will be a problem becaused if I realised I’d done a quarter of the things he has I would be inconsolable. How do I cope with myself, my grief and if he returns from where ever his is how do I forgive? I don’t have the knowledge of the real person to give me some faith and courage.
Help
Susan

By: Zoe

Zoe — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 12:17:38 +0000

Hi Laurie

Thanks for the advice it agreed with a lot of things I had thought to do. I have been reading a lot about depression and we seem to be getting furhter along. Only minor setback so far is that he mistrusts the medication the doctor has given him, and hasn’t taken it so far but we spent the weekend together, (he called me and wanted to come over, so a small step forward) he says he will take the medication as he realises it will help and he really wants to not be so afraid and uncertain all the time. Time will tell. I worry that his parents aren’t making sure he takes it, as they don’t really like medication for anything. It must be hard for them as he is 27 and is not able at the moment to still be independant like he was. But I’m taking it one day at a time, I beleive that one way or another there is light at the end of the tunnel, Just how long the tunnel is may be another matter.

One of the hardest things, is not blaming myself for things, as if his non-communication is somehow my fault, It is difficult to accept that he is not always doing things through choice, his brain just isn’t working properly. Positivity all the way, even if it is, yay, I got a txt msg after 3 days, it’s better than none at all. It’s hard but talking and writing definately helps.