I suggest learning as much as you can about healthy boundaries. Setting your boundaries is one thing — which it sounds like you’re doing — but sticking to your boundaries is a whole new ball of wax!

There are some great books about boundaries on Amazon (or at your local library) — such as the one I feature in this article:

5 Ways to Protect Your Boundaries Despite Criticism

It’s normal that you feel upset because of your relationship with your mom! A rocky, difficult relationship with anyone is hard to flow with…and it’s worse with our parents. Our mom and dad is supposed to protect us, love us, and keep us secure. But, when our parental relationships are so difficult, our worlds are turned upside down. It’s hard to take.

I encourage you to talk to a counselor or therapist. Your friends — and I — can’t give you the support and objective ear you need. Sometimes, all it takes is one session to give you clarity and direction…and other times, it takes a little longer. But, most of the time, counseling gives you a valuable perspective on yourself and the people in your life, which you can’t get from books or the internet.

I hope this helps, and hope you let me know how things go after you talk to a counselor…

Blessings,
Laurie

Iam 28yrs old. My mother has been diagnosed with clinical depression. I supect manic/bipolar. Basically, she is 49yrs old. For the last 5 yrs she has experienced alot of loss. To be frank she has gone from a single but happily dating single working mother to a physically patially disabled unemployed single but not dating and homeless mother. Obviously alot has occurred in between. During the “Alot” phase all of our friends and family have extended ourselves in every way possible to help her regain her life. But for whatever reason, whenever she would start working within a short period of time 1week to 1month “something” would happen and she would be unemployed again. Meanwhile, she is being completely taken care of by her children and her own parents mainly and a few friends that help every now and then. This cycle has gone on for 4 years. Well its gotten to the point that no one wants to help anymore because we feel like she is not trying to help herself. She knowingly incurrs expesnses that she cant afford and then goes around recruiting people to cover them. Well lately no one will, loan her money, or co-sign for personal bank loans, credit cards, apartements, etc anymore and she has these TERRIBLE tantrums that involve screaming,cursing,name calling,manipulative statements like “if you loved me you would…” or”if you dont; youre not my child and dont call me anymore until you can do…” and even physical confrontation. It has become too much.
Everyone gave up on her except me very recently. But she is just out of control. My sister(who she has lived with for over 2yrs) put her out recently because it was destroying her marraige and she is currently pregnant. My grandmother took her in, because I live out of state,and my grandmother cannot walk and needed some help. She tricked my grandmother into thinking that she was going to stay with her and help her while getting her own affairs in order. Two weeks later she talked my grandmother into lending her a few hundred dollars and left. She put the money down on a new apartment and got upset with my grandmother and everyone else when we found out saying “i want my own place!” Thats great but she didnt have a job to pay future rent or get utilities turned on. A day before these expenses were due, she calls me in a matter of fact sort of way indicating that she needed me to cover these expenses for 3 months until she starts working. My first inclination based on more than enough experience with her; was to say no. My sister,aunt,grandmother, etc to this day have creditors calling because of her. My sister actually has an eviction lawsuit because of a house she co-signed for her.
When I answered her contrary to my gut feeling “okay mom, I dont like doing things like this. But if you cannot pay the bill, or it gets behind I am going to have to discontinue the services.” She flew off the handle! She began to tell me that I had better not ever say anything like that to her, who do I think I am…blah blah. At that moment that was my confirmation that she was repeating a cycle and I just couldnt take it anymore. I said no. I was severely depressed all day. She called me again this evening and casually sais “Ok, so tomorrow I need those things done a.s.a.p because you are all I have left to do them I have no other choice…” Almost as if our earlier conversation did not take place. But I still felt like it was just enough. I told her I was sorry, but I just cannot help her when her behavior is so irratic and irresponsible, and manipulative. I got another ear full to say the least. But I just cant figure out why I am so tormented. I feel so sorry for her losing everything and suffering the side effects of it; but I also feel like her quality of life would improve so much if she just picked herself up and started to slowly put the pieces back together. I ve had to do it to clean up self destructive habits I created and maintained due to not accepting and getting over my terrible child hood. It took alot of faith,painful looks in the mirror,soul searching,crying,hard work,and accepting full responsibility for myself. I just dont understand why she just wont do the same. And it hurts to know that she may never speak to me again if I dont cover these expenses for her. Sorry for the life story. Ive burned my friend’s ears off with this ongoing craziness. Fresh insight would probably change my life. Thanks : )

I think the best way to cope with difficult parents is to NOT worry about how to act around them! Instead, you need to just be yourself and forget about how they perceive you or what they think.

This seems like simple (and perhaps simple-minded!) advice, but it’s actually very difficult. Being yourself is one of the most difficult things every — especially in front of our parents. But, it is possible.

So, my advice is to focus on expressing who you are, what you think, and what you want out of life. Take a deep breath when you’re with your parents, and let your true self come out. It’s a challenging way to live your life…but trust me, the more you do it, the easier it gets.

And, accept that you do care what your parents think. And, your parents may never be ready to let you go. That’s just part of your life — and their lives — and you may not be able to change that. It is what it is. However, it doesn’t mean you have to change who you are or what you say…it just means that that’s the way you and your parents are.

I wish you all the best with them…

Blessings,
Laurie

Congratulations on your pregnancy! How exciting

I’m sorry to hear about your mom — that’s sad, that you and she have never really connected. But, it’s also fairly common! That is, we can love our family members, but not understand or even like them. We have to have chemistry with them, just like with our friends, spouses, and fiances. It sounds like you and your mom never had chemistry, and she was a difficult parent as well.

Yes, there’s a good chance that your parents are the way they are because of their own childhood experiences. If we don’t deal with the things we experience, then we turn around and negatively affect other people’s lives!

I can’t tell you if you should end all contact with them…that’s such a huge decision, especially when you have children.

Have you considered family counseling? I think it’s worth suggesting to your parents….the worst they can say is no, and at least you know you’re trying to make your relationship better!

I also suggest reading as much as you can about dealing with difficult parents, and applying those suggestions to your life. Alot of those books are written by counselors or psychologists, who really do have good tips for dealing with difficult people.

Finally, I suggest you to think about limiting the time you spend communicating with them. You don’t necessarily need to cut your parents out of your life; rather, you can give them a quick call every 2-3 months — or you can even send a note instead of calling. Give yourself some space to enjoy your new love and pregnancy! I also think that cutting your parents out might detract from your happiness, because it’s such a cold thing to do. I support it in many circumstances and am not telling you that you shouldn’t do it…I’m just saying that it may make you feel worse than if you limited contact to a superficial level.

I hope this helps…and please come back and let me know how your pregnancy’s going, and if you have a boy or a girl!

Take care,

Laurie

I think it’s great that you set your boundaries, and I’ve found that setting boundaries with difficult parents isn’t necessarily the problem. As you’re learning, the problem is sticking to those boundaries, and coping with other family members’ responses to the lines drawn in the sand.

Regarding your family members: they probably believe that other people (you) should live the way they themselves live. That means they think you should put up with your mother’s behavior because they are, and they think they’re doing the right thing. Or, they’re not strong enough to put the boundaries in place, and they want you to be as miserable as they are! After all, misery loves company.

Wouldn’t it be ironic if you decided to pick up where you left off with your mother — helping her as much as you can despite her behaviro — and one of your relatives decided to pull back, because you’ve stepped back in? Sometimes that happens!

Anyway, you need to decide what you’d rather live with: your mother the way she is right now, or your family members’ harrassment. Which is worse? Which causes you more stress? Which, if you look back on it when you’re 80 years old, can you most easily live with? I can’t answer those questions for you…

You might consider talking to a counselor for a session or two. Sometimes all we need is a sounding board, someone to help us see our situation objectively and clearly. A counselor can give you the tools and strategies you need to deal with either your difficult mother or your relatives.

I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.

Blessings,
Laurie

Well – I have a mother who is totally out of control. She screams, yells, bitches, complains, moans, behaves to attract self pitty. If she doesn’t lilke something she will simply give my dad hell day and night. She is totally selfish and a year ago I decided to but a boundary in place and not having anything to do with her anymore. He mere prsence destroys how I feel about myself – she is an expert at “poor mumy” message and “no one loves me” etc. Well now that I have put this boundary by Father, brother and everyone my father knows are trying to manipulate me on talking to her again. I finall have peacein my life at 34 yrs of age and YET everyone is upset by the boundary I have put in place – WHY are they upset? Well because my mother is giving my Dad hell day and night about it!…. Unfortuantely my Dad’s eyesight are really bad and he is sutck with her and she will not shut the F**k up. My options are: Talk to my mother and in a way that just destroys me inside (I don’t know how – it just does) or put up with eveyones continual manipulation and harassement about it….

yeah – I do need some insight into this .

thanks,
RJ.

Your mom is a difficult woman, and she’s not going to change. She is who she is, and the sooner you accept her exactly as she is right now, the happier you’ll be. That means not just accepting but EXPECTING her to complain, criticize, and be stubborn. That’s who she’s been for decades, and who she’ll probably always be.

I suggest you spent minimal amounts of time with her. Help her as much as you can, but don’t let her manipulate you out of guilt or a misplaced sense of responsibility. For instance, she may very well be lonely…but that’s not your problem to fix.

And, it sounds like you’re buying into her criticisms! For example, you asked her what you need to do to save money, and she didn’t even respond. Instead of feeding into her questions and comments by responding to them, I encourage you to let them roll off you. Instead of engaging her ideas, try saying “Mm hm” and changing the subject.

Don’t try reasoning with her — you already know it doesn’t work! Just let her express her ideas, and forget about them.

I hope these ideas help, and wish you all the best with your mom.

Blessings,
Laurie

Hope you an give some advice; My Dad died about 2 yrs ago leaving my mother extremely well off. I have a sister who lives far away and unable to help in any praticable way, so I am the only one to look after my mom (she still lives in her own house. We were in financial difficulty and my mom lent us (ny family ) some money. Let me continue:

My mother cannot drive, I take her shopping, do any other driving, going to the Chemist etc, sort out her affairs any problems, she comes to us every Sunday, we fetch her too, (and has done for all our married life – about 25 yrs), take her ro Dr’s appointments etc. Which I do because , well she is my mom and I love her. She can be verbally abusive, cannot understand if I say I do not have petrol money , or money for anything else, nothing I do is good enough, she complains about everyone. her cousin takes her out shopping , she moans about that. She complains she is lonly but when my cousins invite her out, she wont go and then phones me and complains that they have asked her out. Today she told me that we must control our spending. I am married, we have three children, tow in College and one at school, all the kids are still at home. We do not live extravently at all, we dont eat out etc, When I asked her what must I do to cut down, she just ignored me and said the weather was hot. When she accuses me of something I say why did you say that, she then either denies saying it or pretends she doesn’t hear. My father also used to say nothing he did was good enough either. I just can’t carry on like this. My sister will phone her an get an earful as well, eg Why haven’t you phoned me etc – well my mom can pick up the phone and phone her.. Its getting to a stage where I just dont wont to do anything for her. I can quite understand now why there are old folks in homes and their children dont visit them. You cannot reason with her at all. Thanks