There Are 50 Responses So Far. »

1. Comment by Dawn on 26 June 2009:

   My mother in law takes sides with my husband when we have arguments or disagreements. I feel my husband should not even talk to her about these things because he tells one sided stories to her. For example telling her what I did or said, but not telling her what he did or said first-not telling the whole situaition. He manipulates her into thinking that I’m the cause of his marriage no no’s. And she aets it right up and blames me for his actions. But never the less, she jumps in and attacks me to stick up for him by being rude to me when she walks in my house, leaving me articles on what she thinks is wrong with me, making excuses for things like him cheating on me, telling him that it’s OK for him to buy the $36,000 sports car that he wants, and we cannot afford-and of course he bought it because she said it was ok!(instead of saying that’s up to you and your wife!)and encouraging my husband to divorce me. And he tells me all this. She even told my husband that she wanted to be with just him and his brother on mother’s day and so that’s what she got. My son and I spent the day without my husband on mother’s day! He’s 35! And she acts as if he’s a child. And I want add that my parents are completely the oppisite to him. Even if I do tell them something that he did and they agree with me, they treat him the same as they treat me. They are always welcoming, respectful and helpful to him. I realize that much of this is my husband continuing to act like her child, but she supports him acting like this. It’s a very twisted overbearing crazy mother and inmature grown son relationship. I’m trying to find articles for my husband to read. Are there any about overbearing mother getting involved in marital issues? Or about asking mom for advice when your grown and married with a family of your own? Can someone help?

2. Comment by Laurie PK on 26 June 2009:

   Dawn, I don’t know of any articles about overbearing mothers getting involved in marital issues offhand — and I haven’t had a chance to do a little digging around.

   Does your husband realize how destructive his mom is on your marriage? Some adult children defend their toxic or overparent parents to death without realizing how bad the problem is, while others know what’s happening but refuse to attempt to change it. They think they’re powerless.

   Knowing which “camp” your husband is in would help in knowing what kind of toxic parenting articles to show him.

   The other thing is: changing patterns of behavior in other people is extremely difficult! It’s hard enough to change ourselves when we want to change, much less others. So, it may take months or years for your husband to stand up to his mom….or maybe even a geographical move. Sometimes physical distance is the only way to deal with toxic or manipulative parents.

   At any rate — does your husband realize that his mom is overbearing, or does he defend her?

   Laurie

3. Comment by lynn on 23 July 2009:

   I just finished reading about Dawn’s situation, and I understand the pain and chaos this relationship causes.

   I am going through something simular, only the brothers have been brought onto it also, and my mother in law twists everything spoken to her, and has caused great concern with the whole family believing what she is saying.

   My husband and I have been married 7 yrs.this July 09, and it had actually begun at the beginning of our marriage. There were red flags, and alot of phone calls between Son & Mother, it was as though she were a Mistress, when I heard “I gotta go she is home”.

   What I was told by a Pastor’s wife was to consider moving to a location that was difficult for her to interfer.

   And as Laurie has said that, He has held on to the Mother, and played one woman against the other. I suggest honesty with your husband, to find out the value of your relationship, and does he really! want to remain married to you.

   I have over the course of 7 yrs. brought every detail of dysfunction between my husband and his family, and he is beginning to understand the seriousness, and the crippling effect it has had on past relationships. Least to say I am the second wife and he is 42yrs. His mother divorced the first one for him.

   This morning we had a call from his sister, that she is working on something big as I write, she said her plan is to get me out of the picture.

   My husband is ready to get out of “Dodge” and separate from his family for now, because I told him at this point it’s Them or Me, and I am prepared to go on without you. Let go and know that it is not healthy for either one of you to live this way.

   Lynn

4. Comment by Laurie PK on 24 July 2009:

   Thanks for sharing your insights and experience, Lynn. Boy, that must feel disconcerting and even scary to hear something like that from his sister! I’m glad your husband is choosing you over him.

   You know you’ve had enough when it finally boils down to a “them or me” choice. Sometimes the only solution for adult children of difficult parents (and the spouses of those adult kids!) is to cut off all contact….sad, but true.

   I wish you all the best with your husband, Lynn……and Dawn, I hope you’re doing well!

   Laurie

5. Comment by lynn on 24 July 2009:

   Thank You Laurie,

   I realized that it was Dawn’s story, that I was refering to. And I thank You for your comment back to me. This seems to be an issue that continues through various families, and it would be a better world if parents allowed their childern to grow up to be productive adults, giving to the world, rather than taking all the time and not realizing that they are at a disadvantage. To reproduce more dysfunctional people in this world.

   One person set free at a time, Maybe there is some hope, as the release continues!!! lynn

6. Comment by Wendy on 16 August 2009:

   My problem is a bit different. I’m the child of such a parent and I’m not married yet. At this early stage, my mother has reached a ‘it’s me or him’ ultimatum. We’ve had serious problems with his dad, which leads her to believe that she is protecting me from a disastrous future by blocking this marriage. His father is also difficult, but my fiance knows how to handle him. I’ve tried to handle my mother, but asserting my adulthood, however, it seems that the problem escalates even more when I do that. I can’t cut my relationship with my mother. And, I’m also not breaking up with my fiance. So, is their a way for me to have it all? It seems that I’m still a child to my mother, and I don’t know how to deal with that.

   Thank you

7. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 17 August 2009:

   Yikes, I’m sorry about your mom’s ultimatum. That’s really sad.

   I suspect she’s testing you (as well as trying to protect you), and won’t be able to stay away from you forever! You might need to stop your “old” ways of asserting your adulthood — as you said, it’s not working.

   You might be able to have it all….but not right away! It’ll take time for your mom to realize that you’re serious about your boyfriend — maybe even months or years. I’m sorry, but trust doesn’t build right away. Right now, she doesn’t trust your boyfriend.

   Here are a few options:

   Accept her ultimatum. Tell her that you want her in your life and you’ll be heartbroken to lose her, but you have decided to marry this man. Of course you want her to be there and give her blessing to the marriage, but you can’t keep being torn in two like this. Let her go (I believe she won’t be gone for long; only a small minority of mothers can just cut off relationships with their kids).

   Meet her halfway. Can you compromise? Maybe instead of marrying right away, you can marry in a year from now. I don’t know how long you’ve been dating or what the serious problems with his dad are….but marriage is a HUGE commitment. It’s not all fun and games, and starting off with potential problems is a big fat risk (and not a good one).

   Go to family counseling. Ask her and your finance to spend an hour or so with a therapist, your pastor, or even a wise objective family member (who can be trusted not to “take sides”). An objective 3rd party will help you see if you’re rushing things or not seeing the potential problems — or if your mom is really just being a difficult parent.

   By the way — premarital counseling should be the precursor to all marriages! My husband and I did it, and it’s a great way to start off on the right foot.

   I wish you all the best…let me know how it goes!

   Laurie

8. Comment by Amber on 15 October 2009:

   My problem is a bit different….My mom has been minipulative and controlling my whole life. At 32, married with 2 children, it has only gotten worse! My oldest, Madison;7, and my mom have a special bond, that I would never try to take away. I was close with my Grandma too. It can be good thing if there are boundaries. THERE ARE NO BOUNDARIES WITH MY MOM! My son, Tanner; 2, is not nearly as important to my mom as my daughter. I know she has had longer to bond with Madi, but she’s had nearly 2 years to create a relationship with her grandson. She refuses, always has an excuse to just want to take Madi somewhere or have her spend the night. (we live in a very small town, about 2 miles from each other) I have tried to instill “rules” to help both my Mom and Madi to except that Tanner is a part of all of our lives and we have to include him. It’s an adjustment but not impossible. Of course, there are always acceptions to the rules.. for instance, if it’s Madi’s birthday or a special occasion. But now my mom is playing “head games” with me because Madi is getting to go other places with out Tanner, like her dad’s family’s house for the weekend, (my children have different dads) or to deer camp with my Dad. I’m not ready for the baby to go to camp. And…this is the kicker, because my mother in-law watched the baby while Madi was in school, My Mom thinks this is punishing her. We can’t get a long. She does help me a lot. financially and she can be very supportive, but any time she “helps” me in any way, she finds a way to through it up in my face. She’s very dramatic about all of this and even went to my house, while I was gone, and had a “heart to heart” with my husband about this. I think she is crossing the line! But I don’t know what to do without loosing her completely and costing my kids a relationship with their Nana. My husband and I have other problems, with our jobs and everyday life, but my Mom thinks it’s all about her. I need some help. Anybody?

9. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 October 2009:

   Hi Amber,

   You hit the nail on the head when you said there are no boundaries with your mom! Setting boundaries without losing people we love can be tricky, especially when those people are dramatic and headstrong. But, it can be done.

   First, I suggest telling her what you said here. You love her, you don’t want to jeopardize her relationship with your kids, and she’s very special to you. Then, tell her how her behavior is affecting you — leading with your feelings. For example, I feel “______” when “______” happens because “______.” Try not to accuse or criticize her. Just try to be specific about the feelings that are created.

   Give her time to react — maybe she needs a few days to think about what you’re saying. She may be hurt enough to take a longer break, I don’t know, but the chances are good that she’ll return. It’s not likely that you’ll lose her completely; you’re her daughter and she loves you.

   Also, figure out what your boundaries are. People treat us the way we teach them to treat us. We accept behaviors, and those boundaries and behaviors get pushed, and we end up accepting those new boundaries….and the cycle can get out of control.

   Determine how you’d like your mom to treat you and your kids. This may not be possible to implement with her — for example, you obviously can’t force her to have feelings for Tanner than she doesn’t for Madi. But, you can decide what behaviors aren’t good for your kids and talk to your mom about those.

   My best suggestion for you — and this is helpful for all adult children dealing with difficult parents — is to ask an objective mediator to sit down with you when you talk to your mom. It doesn’t have to be a counselor (though they can be extremely helpful); it can be a pastor, objective and respected third party, or a friend of your mother’s who knows her well (and can be objective and honest). The idea is to get a balanced perspective, so you and your mom can see what’s really happening. Sometimes we get caught up in the whirlwind of emotions and past experience; we can’t see our relationships and behaviors clearly.

   Another thought is to move to a different place. This is a huge undertaking, I know, and it’s not easy. But, sometimes physical space solves problems that physical proximity creates! It’s just something to think about.

   I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best.

   Laurie

10. Comment by Jeremy on 23 November 2009:

    Christmas is the worst time to have parents who fight.

11. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 November 2009:

    I’m sorry, Jeremy, that your parents fight. You’re right; Christmas and the holiday season IS worse if your parents aren’t getting along. If you need tips for dealing with parents who fight at Christmas, just let me know. I’d be happy to write an article and post the link here.

12. Comment by Kimberly Smith on 2 December 2009:

    I have never been able to talk to my Mom. She has always made me feel so small when I talk to her so I tend to just avoid it. A couple years back I went into therapy and they tired to set up a meeting with both my parents, me and the therapist so we would have a mediator (tired to do this twice). My therapist then told me I need to cut her out of my life because she was an emotional drain and I need to fix myself before I could work on my relationship with her. Well I didn’t cut her out and tried to just ignore all her faults. Well recently I moved out with my boyfriend and at first she was ok with it. She thought the house he got was cute and helped me move. She made the occasional snide comment that I just ignored but all in all it was good. Well when I moved back home (broke up with my last bf and had to move back in till I found a new place) my parents got me a cat. It was suppose to be a b-day gift and I wanted a cat. Well I nursed the thing back to health because it was a stray and got her all of her shot and got her an insurance plan. So when I moved out I took her with me. Well my mom was out of work for most of this and got attached to the cat which I really kind of wish she had not because she was making the cat a little hellion and going against all the the vet had told me to do for her food intake. Well I took the cat and she came over two days in a row to see the cat and I let her, then they ask me to babysit the cat for the weekend (I was not going anywere) and I said no. You would of thought I was telling her I was going to kill the thing. I was now the bad guy and I needed to give in. I was also only doing all this to get back at her for all the things she has done to me. All this for a cat, not a child. Well this went on for weeks and now they want to sit down and have a talk, alone. Like I said earlier I tired to have monitered discussions with them before and they refused but now they want me to come by myself to have this discussion. Basically they want no one there for me to lean on for support. Should I even justify this with a reponse or should I go?

13. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 6 December 2009:

    Hi Kimberly,

    Thanks for sharing this piece of your life with us…I hope you’re doing well!

    Regarding your mom…I’m sorry she’s such a difficult person. Life and the world is difficult enough, without having parents who put us down or make life harder!

    I encourage you to do two things: 1) listen to your therapists, and get yourself as emotionally and physically healthy as possible before you tackle your relationship with your mom. You tried NOT cutting her out of your life, even though your therapist suggested you do cut her out. It seems reasonable to me to cut her out for six months or some predetermined amount of time, and focus on getting emotionally strong and balanced.

    2) Darn it! I forgot #2! Doesn’t that just make you nuts….I’m sorry, I really did forget.

    But, I stand by my #1 suggestion, which was definitely the more important one. It’ll take courage and strength to ask for a six month (or however long you and your therapist decide) break, but…it might give you the distance and time you need to deal with her as a difficult parent.

    I hope this helps, and encourage you to come back and let me know how things are going….

    Take care,
    Laurie

14. Comment by Jerel Edmonds on 8 December 2009:

    My parents are difficult. Can you blame a sexually abused and neglected girl who became a mother? Can you blame my father whose mother was murdered on MOTHERR’S DAY by his own father? I can see that they aren’t easy parents and I sort of overlook them, when I understand their childhood. It certainly wasn’t easy for me, I knew what I struggled with so I’m not making a comparison to others.

15. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 8 December 2009:

    Hi Jerel,

    I’m sorry to hear what your parents have been through, and very sorry about your father’s mother. It’s great that you seem to understand why your parents are difficult, and that you don’t blame them. Their childhoods made them who they are…and they didn’t cause their own bad childhoods!

    Thanks for being here; I’m glad to hear from you.

    Laurie

16. Comment by Amy on 17 December 2009:

    I am 24 years old, and I have a really typical Asian parents. Ask everyone from my city, they will tell you their parents are difficult. My dad is really a difficult person. He called me and yelled at me everytime, saying I never listen, I am emotional. While, he is an ignorant and emotional b*****d himself.
    I told him so many times that I do not appreciate him throwing all the negative attitude at him, but old man, he never change. He just rang me at 11pm and yelling on the telephone saying that i never listen and I am emotional. Damn, that has affected my goodnight sleep. Because of his bad attitude, it is so difficult for me to be optimistic again(especially I need it for my job-hunting).
    Feels like shutting them out for good!

17. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 17 December 2009:

    Hi Amy,

    Maybe you do need to take a break from your parents for a few months, to regain your sense of self and get a good night’s sleep!

    Another option is to control when and for how long you talk to them. That is, don’t answer the phone at 11 pm — especially if you know it’s your parents calling. Call them when you’re ready to deal with them, when you feel strong and emotionally stable. Keep your phone calls short and sweet, and don’t get caught up in the emotional turmoil.

    Good luck with your job hunt — I hope you find the right position quickly!

    Laurie

18. Comment by Alice on 28 December 2009:

    I am 29 yrs old and have been married for a year to my loving husband. My mother died 9 yrs ago of cancer, so me & my brother were left with our father, who has been an alcoholic, emotionally abusive and bitter person ever since.

    He didn’t manage to remarry because he was looking for a young beautiful woman (he was even dating women my age!!) and of course it never worked out, so all he managed to do was create debts.

    Anyway nowadays it is his favorite past time to try to humiliate me in front of my husbands family, or anyone watching for that matter. I invited him along with all my husband’s family for a big christmas lunch 3 days ago. All he could say was bitter comments about the food, how bad a cook I was, how I disrespected him by not taking a recipe from a book my mother used to have… utter nonsense! Everyone else either remained silent, or was kindly telling him that the food was indeed delicious, while he was pouring his venom. He didn’t hurt my feelings because it is exactly the kind of behaviour I have faced so many times in the past and I learnt not to take it personally. But I hate the fact he hurt my husband’s feelings and he disrespected my table and my guests.
    How can I tell him that it is not OK for him to spread his jealousy and bitterness all around our lives on these special occasions?
    The reason behind his jealousy is that his own house doesn’t have a woman to take care of it, so it is dirty and full of litter. I have promised him that we’ll clean it up together but then he’ll have to hire some professional help for everyday maintenance. But no! He is jealous that another man has his daughter and he couldn’t find a woman himself.

    Horrible thing to have parents who love themselves a lot more than they love you…

19. Comment by Mishelle on 28 December 2009:

    Hi. I am “new” here and not sure if my situation fits, but I am stuck and looking for some advice. I am an adult, married for 10-yrs. with two children. The advice I’m looking for is this: Why do I always feel so panicky/guilty/upset when my mother is mad at me for one thing or another? My husband and I always host Christmas at our house, and usually there is one or more ppl. at the end of the day who are mad/upset with another. This yr. I thought things were different and that we were able to sail through it without any hurt feelings,etc. Well, since Christmas, my mother has refused to talk with my by phone and refused to come over and pick up my kids for a planned activity they were doing today- my dad had to come pick them up. My dad relayed to my husband that my mother was furious with me due to the fact that I did not incorporate one of our family traditions into our Christmas day as well she thought that I snapped at her at one point when she was trying to help and wash the dishes. When I host anything at our house, my anxiety rises dramatically and I absolutely hate when ppl. crowd me or try to “help out” with stuff- insane, I know, but it really makes me crazy and I need to control my own space. Also, she was slighted because she thought my husband snapped at her about soemthing else during the course of the day. So now, I am feeling all tied up in knots because I can’t stand it when someone is mad at me and I’m not able to “fix it” right away. (my over-abundant anxiety at work again) So I am looking for some advice as to how to handle this situation. Usually my parents’ and I get along extremely well and they are super close to my children and have helped my husband and I out enormously with various things through the years. But now I find myself getting angry with her due to the fact that she is mad over something really (in my mind) silly and handling it childishly by not talking to me about it. Any advice? Thanks.

20. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 30 December 2009:

    Dear Alice,

    I’m so sorry your dad is behaving like this — not only is it sad to have such a difficult, selfish parent, it’s also embarrassing to include him in family gatherings!

    You need to establish your boundaries, my friend. NOBODY should treat you like that, not even your dad. That’s rude, unacceptable behavior and it needs to be stopped the second it starts.

    By “establishing your boundaries”, I mean being clear with your father about how he can treat and speak to you. You need to do this while it’s actually happening; it’ll feel awkward and even scary, but it’s a short-term pain for a long-term gain. For example, when he criticizes or humilates you, tell him that it’s not acceptable to talk to you like that — it’s verbal abuse, and you won’t tolerate it in your house.

    He probably won’t just suddenly start treating you better, which means you may have to take it a step further: tell him he’s not welcome at family gatherings if he can’t speak to you respectably and kindly.

    If you want to change how he treats you, you need to stand up to him. It takes courage to do this, and it won’t create change overnight, but you’ll respect yourself for trying. And, your husband and other loved ones will respect you, too.

    Another option is to limit how often you see him. Be honest with him: you feel humiliated, hurt, degraded, and angry when he criticizes you, and you don’t have room in your life for behavior like that. You respect yourself too much to let people treat you poorly.

    You CAN train him to treat you with respect, if you have the patience, time, and courage! Or, you can see him as little as possible. Either way, you’re limiting the toxicity that he sends your way — and that’s a very healthy thing to do.

    I wish you all the best, and hope this helps.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

21. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 30 December 2009:

    Hi Mishelle,

    I’m sorry to hear that your Christmas didn’t go as well as planned — and that your mom isn’t being straightforward or communicative with you!

    Perhaps you feel panicky and guilty when your mom is angry because she doesn’t talk to you like a mature adult. No offense to her, but most healthy adults are able to talk about their hurt or angry feelings without giving the silent treatment or avoiding family members. When she doesn’t communicate her feelings openly, you’re left to guess what’s on her mind and second guess your own actions, which leads to confusion, frustration, and pain.

    My first suggestion is to learn how to let people be mad at you, and learn how to live with feelings of anxiety without letting them overwhelm or paralyze you. These are general life skills that will benefit you enormously as you cope with your difficult mother! And, they’ll help you in all other aspects of your life: work, raising kids, relating to your husband, and even talking to store clerks.

    To learn those life skills, you could read books, attend workshops, take community learning classes, or talk to a counselor. Remember: letting people be mad at you and letting go of anxious feelings is a process that takes time — in fact, it can be a lifelong process!

    In the meantime, I suggest taking deep breaths and telling yourself that your mother is an adult who can and will approach you when she’s ready. Give her time and space to figure out why she’s upset and how to express it to you. It’ll take self-discipline to wait her out, but it may be the healthiest thing you can do for both her and you. Tell your dad you’d love to hear from your mom when she’s ready to talk about what bothered her so much at Christmas.

    I hope this helps, and I welcome your further thoughts and comments.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

22. Comment by Angela on 30 December 2009:

    Nice article. I wouldn’t refer to my mom as toxic but challenging-YES. She probably would write a whole book about me, if someone asked her to. The difference is, what I write is probably more accurate that what she would write. I know that sounds a little arrogant but I can say that because … I am a reflective person and I always analyze myself and my own actions, and I am always reflecting on how I can do better, be better and live better. My mother ONLY looks on the outside with the expectation that the OUTSIDE will change, thus, making her life better. And when the outside doesn’t change, she’s pissed, depressed and negative.

    I love my mother and I appreciate her. I am just having a hard time accepting her as the person she is today at 67 years old. I thought that I had accepted her and her ways, which err to the negative side of things. But I believe all I have done is “tolerated” them. That is why, I can be very quiet while my mother may be on one of her negative tyrades about the neighbors, me, other family members, my friends … whatever. She’s very critical and suspicious of people, which makes it hard for me because I am more of a people truster and believer. However, my mother believes what she beleives, and she believes that I SHOULD believe what she believes and if I don’t, then I am just against her. So even if I hold my opionion about things, she continues to speak negatively about people and situations until I crack. If I decide to offer my opinion, she continues to speak negatively and then challenges me -until I crack. If I give in and agree, then she talks even LONGER about this stuff over and over again – until I crack!.

    And when I crack, I am labeled the disrespectful child.

    My mother is 67 year old widow who now lives alone (I moved to a city three hours away three years ago). She doesn’t drive, is considered disabled (myriad of health complaints makes her unemployable)doesn’t attend church, doesn’t have any friends, doesn’t entertain any visitors at the house, watches TV and naps all day, and has many health problems including a bad knee and lower back pain which impairs her mobility. She pretty much stays in the house all day with very little contact with others, other than a few phone calls to Me, my brother and a couple of sisters and a niece who visits a few times a month.

    She has a memory that is mixed with accuracy and perception. She embellishes things alot, to prove her point about things and support what she beleives.

    I lived with her for 6 years before I moved away. I moved home at 28 years old, to live with her as she tackled Breast Cancer.My brother moved away to attend college. I lived with her and the first years were cool, because she had regular doctor visits, chemo sessions-basically, we had something to do three to four times a week. Those two years were cool but after chemo, her lifestyle went back to couch, tv, eating, waiting for me to come home from work and stay home with her. We started arguing because she was ALWAYS fussing about what I did do, what I didn’t do, criticizing my life, my actions and my associates, (I’m unmarried and no children and didn’t make a lot of money but had a decent job) talking about my hair, the way I look, dress, my friends, my car … everything .. she had something critical and negative to say. I could do NOTHING to satisfy her or at least that is what I felt. it got so bad that I moved out and then got a job in a neighboring state and moved there. I felt my life was slipping through my hands like sand. I was living at home, trying to be there for my mother and it seemed like a waste of time. She was unhappy and she didn’t even know what would make her happy so everthing I did was just a shot in the dark, and, something for her to criticize.

    Now I am in another state, living, just bought a house (big enough to house her) Why, because she doesn’t want to live alone anymore. And I love her, and it is getting really hard to see her live alone in the house, with little or no interaction. Suggested she move to this city, and move into a Senior Apartment but she didn’t want to do that because she didn’t want to pay rent, and she doesn’t want to be at home at night alone.

    So the option .. live with me. She’s not sure she really wants to do that but she’s lonely still. I want to accomodate my mother, I really do. I’ve talked to her about what it would be like living with me, and reminding her that I am an adult and not a little girl who needs to be reared. I will be 40 years old next year. I told her to think about it, and we will start by letting her come up with me and stay weeks at a time, to help her decide if this is something she wants to do. AND if this is someting that I can do.

    these trips have just started, as I have just bought my house a couple of months ago. When she comes, we get along farely well for a minute. Until I start interacting with my friends, start talking about postive things in life, start wanting to do stuff that I usually do, then I start getting the criticms, the suggestions. If I try to integrate her into my life, like inviting her to eat dinner with me and a friend who WANTS her join us, I get the “I don’t wanna go, I don’t know them.. you gonna leave me by myself and go .. who are they, they ain’t nobody.” So, I am left feeling that I should only interact with her with she’s with me and cut EVERYONE else off while she’s with me, or, ignore her and live my life as much as she can and integrate her into it as much as she allows. I often choose the latter.

    Now I am not a perfect daughter. I think some of my mistakes is that I had in my mind how I could help my ma, and that’s what I focused on. It may not have been what Ma wanted. I’m a little lazy, and I don’t like doing a lot of the physical stuff around Ma’s house. I will do some things, but not a lot. Sometimes, I used to get frustrated because when I started doing things, she would started telling me how to do it. I would shut down and just stop. But please understand that I do A LOT for my mom.

    But I am also frustrated because I want to help my mother but I don’t know if what I can offer her is help. It seems she mentally resists anything that is aimed at helping her. She doesn’t believe that is possible.

    Well, I guess that sums up how I feel. I really needed to type this. We were riding around today, and she was just talking so negative about any and everything. it was driving me up the wall and I was just about to nut up but I remained calm BUT IT MADE ME question if I really can make it.

    Well, feel free to break this down, offer insight . whatever. Im open!

23. Comment by Denise on 1 January 2010:

    I had to break up with my parents. It was the hardest thing that I’ve ever done but in the end has been the best decision I ever made. As I read through the above posts, I can SO relate to so many of the scenarios and it serves as a reminder that I made the best decision for me.

    The straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back was my mother going after my child. It was one thing when she went after me. I could take it, but when she boldly did to my daughter what she had been doing to me for 40 years mama bear kicked in because nobody is going to treat my child that way. NOBODY.

    Since this event, my children have shared various memories of things that grandma did to them that were unkind and hurtful that I was not aware of at the time that they were happening (my parents frequently invited my kids to visit without my husband and I and we let our kids go because we thought they were safe and we needed the break). The worse and most destructive thing she did was the continuous criticism of me to my kids. She has cast herself as the long suffering wife and mother whose destined to sainthood because of all that she has suffered through and is very subtle in the way and means that she bad mouths people. In the end she comes off as the long suffering heroine.

    The sad thing is that after this happened I had to talk to my children about it. I made sure that I was absolutely truthful to them regarding what had happened while editing a lot of my personal feelings and details that I believe were inappropriate for them to hear at their ages. I continue to emphasize that I love my parents very much and want nothing more then to have them in my life but that because of choices my parents make it is not possible for me to be around them.

    I also try to share as many positive and wonderful memories that I have from my childhood. At first this really confused my kids but I explain to them that my parents crappy behavior doesn’t change the fact that I love them and had some really nice experiences growing up. I’ve also told my children that if my parents apologize and make sincere efforts to amend the situation that I’m open to having my parents in my life again.

    Pre break-up I was angry, depressed, and anxious ALL the time. I broke out in hives on a regular basis. Post break-up other then the normal ups and downs, I haven’t fallen into a depression once. I’m only anxious about normal things (going to the dentist, etc.), my anger has subsided, and miraculously I haven’t broken out in hives once since. I’m really happy for the first time in my life.

    I often joke (only with my husband) that my parents are my drug of choice and like a junkie there are certain triggers that make me crave a hit. It has been a few years and it is still sometimes really, really hard. I love my parents and like every child want them to be a central part of my life. I really miss them during the holidays and when various big personal events occur. But like all recovering addicts I KNOW that one hit could set me back.

    I was recently feeling out a questionnaire that asked, “Who is the most influential person in your life” My first response was my mother. This kind of surprised me but as a mulled it over for the next couple of days I realized that it was true. She taught me to stand up for myself and what I believe in even in the face of great adversity. She taught me to not allow anyone to abuse or mistreat me. She taught me that no relationship is worth my health, my wealth, or my sanity. She taught me that honesty and truthfulness (things she has no concept of) are more important then saying what you think the person wants to hear. She helped me find my backbone, my sense of self, my integrity and for all of that I am truly a better person then I was.

    I know how difficult it is to be in a relationship with a toxic person. There is no right answer, no path, no blueprint to tell any of us how to deal with this. The bottom line is any choice you make (to continue to work on the relationship, to step away, or to limit contact) comes with a high price tag. In the end each of us has to decide what is best for us at that time. We have to love ourselves and give ourselves permission to mess up and change our minds. I know it is counter intuitive because many of us in this situation have a strong sense of love, loyalty, and the sincere need to please our relations, but try to step back, analyze, and really do what is best for you. And remember you can’t change other people you can only change how you act and interact.

    I wish you each godspeed and a future filled with love and happiness.

24. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 1 January 2010:

    Hi Angela,

    It’s so kind of you to open your house to your mom, especially given your challenging relationship!

    One thought that occurred to me is that you might want to go into this new living arrangement with NO expectations that your mother will change. That is, you can expect her to be just as negative, critical, and difficult to please as she’s always been. That might help you live more happily and peacefully with her…just accepting that she will always be the way she is now.

    I think the trial visits are a great idea, and also encourage you both to have an appealing Plan B for her. That way, she won’t be trying really hard to make things work out, and your trial living arrangement will be more realistic and authentic. If she has an appealing alternative, perhaps both she and you will be more “yourselves” during the visits.

    It may also take a few months to settle in, if she does stay for good. As with any roommate, it takes time to develop a routine and figure out what your roles are….in fact, it might be helpful to think of yourselves as roommates, not mother and daughter! Split up the chores, set up a phone message board, ask her to pay rent, set up regular dinners together and dinners apart, etc. Perhaps the more you separate yourselves before she gets too comfy at your place, the better your living together will go.

    I wish you all the best, and hope you return to let me know how things are going!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

25. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 1 January 2010:

    Wow, Denise, thank you so much for your comments and insights! Your mom taught you alot of great stuff…and she also gave you a strong sense of self-respect and self-worth. Isn’t it ironic that someone who was so influential isn’t someone you want in your daily life? Funny how life unfolds sometimes.

    It’s amazing that you can see the positive qualities she instilled in you, and simultaneously see how toxic or unhealthy her presence is in your life — and your children’s life. I admire your ability to give her credit where credit is due, and still be able to set and maintain your own boundaries.

    I wish you the same as you wished us: Godspeed, and a future filled with love and happiness!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

26. Comment by Mirai on 3 January 2010:

    **Disclaimer-Its a long, so please bear with me.**

    well, I am in dilenma………I am on the verge of legally disowning my mother. I am a 28 yr old divorcee, who currently has a good relationship with my ex-husband (who is also the father of my child)

    Here is the current situation:

    She is placed as the caretaker of my son (a decision made by myself and his father, that we sat down and talk to her about.)We try to give her as much support as we can. We are going to have him back with us by this August. We are grateful for her help but its hard to show her appreciation for that when she rewards me with drama. We had just gotten in a huge fight, not even 2 hours from me posting this comment.I don’t know how to deal with her anymore ! I have tried throughout the years to forgive her, but she a very difficult person to deal with and live with (ask my aunt, an old boyfriend of hers, some ex’s, and another cousin about it).

    Rough beginings:
    *)I was told by relatives that my mother had several abortions before she had me, when I was 8. I was later told by my father, last year, that the reason she kept me was that he wanted me and that he had to put $20,000 on the table (while she was pregnant with me), in front of her; in order to convince her that he seriously wanted me. So she carried me to full term. But I found out also last year that she aborted, what would have been my baby brother by 3 yrs age difference, with Geritol pills. Through a heated arguement last year, she admitted to 2 of the abortions.
    *)My mother was emotionally and physically abusive to me from when I was at a very young age. When asked about it, she denies it to this day !
    My first bout of physical abuse was when I was 6 and what happened was I politely asked her(in front of her company) that the phone call she was waiting for was on the line. She told me to take a message and I did that. Then after her company leaves, she yells at me for interrupting her and her company and didn’t care that I asked politely. So, she proceeds to drag me by my hair to her room and takes a pair of scissors and cuts my hair up. A few minutes later, my aunt (her twin) comes to visit and saw what she had done and went off on her. They commenced to argue and she was told to “get the **** out”!! That didnt stop there and continued until I was able to leave the house at 18.
    *)Another incident I vividly remembered in my junior year in High School, I told her that I didn’t want to take another year of ROTC (something she forced me to do). I was punished and kicked out of the house, nobody would take me in, and I had to agree to take ROTC again to be let back in.

    Other factors that had affect on the relationship:
    *)She had an on-and-off relationship with a man she’s dealt with and still dealing with for almost 20yrs. The on-and-off thing caused me to move at least 5-6 times and 3 of those times, in the same house that she use to co-own with this same man. I was a 7th grader when she told me that she would choose her boyfriend over me. I’ll never forget that.
    *)But for my father, he was around until I was 3. They now blame each other for the whole breakdown. I tried to have a relationship with him, but I had to cut myself off with him recently because he thought that being physically…i.e assault with a weapon, while I am an adult, would give him respect and authority from me.

    What she is like:
    *)She can be a good person, but she has alot of issues. She was always strict, she worried about other people’s opinions about her, she likes to dress nice, and she loves all the nice things (she lives beyond her means, even still to this day and is on her 2nd Bankruptcy). She is no stanger to letting people know what’s on her mind and has no problem gossiping about them. I would get different sniding comments (even Now as an adult) when I was young like “I wish you was dainty like the other girls!” I was a tomboy and she couldn’t handle that.
    *)My mother has put on a “I am a wonderful person” persona for so long that she believes it. The community (people we know) stands by her and she made everyone believe that I am the monster. The people who has seen through it, wants nothing to do with her. It is the reason why, my own family members do not talk to me. The ones who know her true nature and cannot deal with her, no longer maintain contact with the family. The other family members, refused to report her because of either who she is intimidated them in some way, they didn’t want to get involved, or they would need a favor from her in the future. The abuse and its dealings has happened in front of relatives and a few friends.
    *)So many things and tradegies (like my cousin (her twin’s son) died shielding her from a gunman; who was arguing with my cousin’s friend and my cousin wasn’t even involved in the situation!) attributed to the barely non-existent and broken relationship that we have with each other. Don’t get me wrong she gave me what I needed, but she was emotionally absent.

    Me:
    *)As a child, who was brought up by a semi-devout Muslim mother (she is now a “born” again Christian of 4 yrs); I have always tried to never get in trouble and do good in school. I did those things because I did not want to trigger my mother’s anger. When I present my good grades to her, she non-chalantly congratuates me. But If my grades dropped slightly, I would be chided, with no second thoughts and threated to be pushed back a grade (retention). I know that children get scared over monsters being under the bed or in the closet. But as a child, I never thought I could actually be living with one.
    *)Now as an adult,the military is what saved me from continual dependence of her passed age 18. I couldn’t go to college, using financial aid because she didn’t pay her taxes for a few years! But what I don’t understand is she had no break in employment over 20 years at that time, so why she can’t pay her taxes??!
    I go through the Trials and Tribulations of life, while trying to help take care of my son. Six years in the miltary is not going to stop me from getting my degree. I do intend to get my degree, even while my son is in tow ! My goal is to give a better life to my son, to where he knows his parents love him, no matter what !
    ~~~
    From Earlier:….
    Remember that fight I mentioned, early on……….it was over something little. Now, I was there visiting my son for the holidays, since his father couldn’t make it (stuck in CT). I was not there to push her buttons nor aggravate her. I was trying keep it peaceful and spend time with my son. Arguement starts, words are exchanged from B**** to you’re a sorry a** mother. But this happens everytime we argue, She calls the police on me even though no one was assaulted or property was damaged. I did get thrown in jail from one of those arguements.Oh yes, the police did get called and they came, tonight.

    Conclusion:
    My wish was that our differences didn’t affect the relationship that she has with her grandson. But I cannot have her continue to behave like that towards me and around my son. I tried talking to her, but it falls on deaf ears and I am told the one that needs help. I tried mediation, but she won’t agree to it because she doesn’t feel like that she has to go. I tried cutting communication off for a little bit, but she has a way of getting my phone number. When she calls, she comes crying to me or my ex-husband about she has the right to see her grandson and she wants to see him.

    I don’t know what to do and my last resort is legal disownment. Please help me!!!!!

27. Comment by Mirai on 3 January 2010:

    Oh hello and Hope everyone New Year is going to be happy and blessed!! I had make a separate post from my “dissertation”, I had left. Sorry.

28. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 5 January 2010:

    Dear Mirai,

    I’m sorry to hear about your mother — she does sound like a handful!

    While I can’t dissect all the intricacies of your compicated relationship, I do have a few suggestions:

    1) Talk to a counselor. I don’t think cutting off a relationship or legally disowning a parent isn’t as easy as it sounds, and there will be emotional consequences for you and your son. I suggest you find a good family therapist, and get the support you need to figure out the best course of action.

    2) Keep your relationship as smooth as possible while your son is in her care. This means accepting her for who she is and what she’s done, without trying to change her. Keeping things smooth may mean biting your tongue and not expressing how you really feel.

    3) Don’t bring up the past with her. She doesn’t see things the same way you do, and there’s no point in rehashing what happened. If you and she went to a family counselor together, then yes — talk about and resolve the past! But if it’s just the two of you, and you KNOW your discussions dissolve into arguments and toxicity, then don’t even go there. Stay focused on the present, and your future with your son.

    I really think my first suggestion is most important: get counseling to deal with your issues. Maybe you want to involve her in the counseling process after you’ve figured things out with your counselor……or maybe you’ll won’t include your mom. Really, that’s secondary to you becoming as emotionally and spiritually healthy as possible. And, you may need the objectivity and education of a therapist to do that.

    I wish you all the best as you resolve your relationship with your difficult mother! Focus on achieving your goals and giving your son the best life possible — and pat yourself on the back for all you’ve done, and how far you’ve come. You’re a survivor!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

29. Comment by rene christy on 12 January 2010:

    Your article has some great points. My problem is different than anyone mentioned. My widowed mother has lived with an alcoholic boyfriend for three years. He has never been violent, although he is rude and offensive. My mother insists on Christmas dinner at her house if we want to see her. So my four kids and I went. Before dinner was served this “boyfriend” attached my 15 year old son by pushing him backwards on the couch, climbing on top of him and strangling him. My other kids and I pulled him off and got out of there as fast as we could. I contacted the police and all they could charge him with was assult and battery. My mother is still living with this man. Telling me he did not mean it and that he does not know what came over him. I feel completely betrayed, after all this is my mom, and my son’s grandmother. To me she deserted us for this man. My mother told me that she does not want to get involved and will not testify in court. I have cut off all ties with her, but still love her. I was raised in a upper middle class family where violence was never an issue. My kids and I are still in shock over the whole incident. Any advise would be so appreciated…

30. Comment by Matthew on 13 January 2010:

    ‘Impossible’ mother and ‘difficult’ father

    I am the eldest son of the family and have two, I would say, difficult mum and dad. Both of them have develop mood problems and they are pointing their anger and resentment onto my girlfriend / fiancee, who they have grudged against me for almost 3 years and it does not seem to end in peace. I have tried to explain, discuss, reason with them about the situation and that I am a grown up person and can make my own decisions. However, they are forcing a decision which, I have explained, that is impossible for a human to make when they ask me to choose between parents and my fiancee, I mean if I get married, they will kick me out, shut me off from the entire family. I know deep in my heart such move is impossible and I have explained countless times to my parents that ‘look, I did not want this to happen but you guys are forcing it to become this way’.

    BACKGROUND

    I come from a above average family, the 4 of us. 4 of us were involved in our family business, however, due to conflict on both a business and personal level, after 5 years in the business, I have made a decision to leave.

    My mother is very protetctive and she does not trust anybody she comes across and does not like letting things go. She always worry about someone will ‘take something /money away’ from her. She is a tough business women and decision maker so there is no middle ground with her. She likes to assume and set people’s life and likes to ensure she is in control all the time. Hence, control freak. She cannot accept both my sister and myself are now grown ups and have a mind of our own

    My farther have mood problems, he goes into a frenzy and does not like to listen to others same problem as above, he likes t talk about money but with dad, there is some compromising point but he cannot accept other people saying a ‘NO’ to him and is very stubborn. Hence, I would say at times it is pointless to give advise because he has already made a decision but is just asking us to get some sort of approval

    My sister is the best sister in the world! For she is right in the middle and does not take sides, we kinda help each other to set things logically when either one or both of them go into a frenzy but I feel both of us cannot continue to live like this as she too, will feel the heat sooner or later

    Myself, I have being living in AUST for 13 years, with my guardian since I was 9 years of age up until I am 18 and finish up my boarding school years. Since then, I have lived by myself in college and at home during university years. I am now back in HK living in a unit with my sister. I am not a family type person and I like independence and is not a person to hang around my family all the time, especially my mum, everytime I am around her, there is some sort of pressure and I feel unnatural and uneasy.

    Both of us are in relationship. My sister boyfriend now works in the family business, while my girlfriend, who used to be a staff in the business 4 years ago, is now working in a garment company. both my parents still says that they treat my sis bf as one of the friends only. they treat my gf as someone rubbish and a nobody. They dont even want to say her name

    ADVISE NEEDED

    1. What should I do more as an individual
    A:) I have already tried to reason with them in a discussion

    B:) Both my gf / fiancee have being constantly attacked over the last 3 years either with threats and nasty messages.The last being when my fiancee was in hospital for an operation

    C:)My approval addiction over the years with my mum and living under her umbrella have dented my confidence in decision making, over the last 5 years it has become better but still lacking. Because of the over protection in work and life, I am constantly working to keep things seperate and logical and is starting to take a toll. I have accepted fact that life should not be easy and it gives me great satisfaction when I have achieved somthing for myself out of my own effort without their help (university achievements)

    D:) I feel that both of them needs to see a shrink but because of their pride, it is hard for me to tell them they have a problem. Plus, the extended family also have major problems which my mum and dad are involved in the frenzy as well, causing them to be even more depressed

    E:) I feel that I am begin to find their action and love becoming more of a pressure and is very opressing, time and time again I have expressed this situation to them but they keep on pressing

    I guess I made the right decison to leave work and part ways but I am looking for ways to mend the relationship

    For my fiancee, I just dont know what to do because they are giving me the refuse to see her or talk to her and they have said that they will take her down the grave. They dont like her because she was an employee at the company whom I hve met and now dated, she is 4 years older then me, well…basically when u dont like someone, u can pin point things

    I am lost and some advise will be appreciated

31. Comment by Cara on 13 January 2010:

    Wow! I have been doing a lot of research tonight on this subject of hateful in-laws, and I am floored by what I have found!

    I am the wife of a hated son-in-law, daughter of the haters. Sparing the actual details of the falling-out, my dilemma concerns loyalty to my husband and maintaining some level of contact/relationship with my parents (Mom in particular), not just for me but our 4 year old daughter as well.

    A little history might be helpful; my Dad did disown me 13 years ago when my husband and I moved in together before we married. Dad claimed religion (pride and ego were also involved). After we married, all was forgiven and my husband has bent over backwards to be an active member of the family, helping my Dad with home improvement projects, etc.

    My husband and I have had some problems in the last 3-4 years, primarily money, and I have in extreme moments of weakness let some of it out to my parents. We are doing better now, but my Mom has recently sent an email blasting my husband and saying how much she hates him. My Mom also suffers from a level of dementia (her mom did too). My husband, though, says he’s done with them.

    My birthday is next month (Feb), our daughter’s is in May, then there’s the holidays……What kind of boundaries can be set, do I invite them to anything? I have no clue! Thank you in advance for caring to read and respond.

32. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 13 January 2010:

    Dear Rene Christy,

    Wow — that’s a very traumatic Christmas for you all! It’s very sad that your mother isn’t acknowledging the problem. In essence, she’s choosing her boyfriend over you and her grandchildren…and that’s heartbreaking. For some reason, she’s not seeing clearly…and there’s not much you can do about that.

    I think you should proceed with the charges against him, and let your mother go. Keep the door open for when she wants to re-establish contact with you — because she will. This relationship can’t last, and she’ll miss you and her grandchildren too much to stay estranged.

    Perhaps you could send her a note or card occasionally, letting her know that you’re open to reconnecting after he’s out of her life.

    I also suggest talking to a counselor about how to talk to your kids about both the assault and the estrangement from their grandmother. Perhaps there’s a counselor at their school? Another option is to read a few books on dealing with difficult parents or related topics — because it’s important to resolve this in your kids’ minds as much as possible.

    I’m sorry that this happened, and wish you all the best.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

33. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 15 January 2010:

    Dear Matthew,

    I’m sorry to hear that your parents are so opposed to your fiancee! That’s a sad situation — definitely a difficult one.

    It sounds like you want the best of both worlds: you want your parents to love and accept your girlfriend, and you don’t want to be estranged from them or cut off from the entire family. It also sounds like you’ve done the best you can in terms of reasoning with your parents, talking to them, explaining your perspective to them, and encouraging them to connect with your fiancee.

    Unfortunately, if they’re not willing to accept her, then there’s not much else you can do. At this point, it doesn’t sound like you can’t say anything that will change their minds. The way I see it, you have two options: 1) ask if they’d be willing to see a family counselor with you, to communicate and work out the underlying issues with an objective third party; and then perhaps 2) let them go and accept that you’ll be estranged from your family if you choose to marry your girlfriend.

    If you have to cut ties with your parents, remember that it may be temporary. Of course, “temporary” is a relative term: it could mean six months or six years. But, if you can’t convince them to accept the way you’re living your life, then you have no choice but to let them go (or break up with your girlfriend, of course).

    I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Even if your parents don’t agree to see a family counselor, you might want to see one on your own, to help you sort out how to proceed.

    Wishing you all the best,
    Laurie

34. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 15 January 2010:

    Dear Cara,

    That’s very sad that your parents haven’t accepted your husband after all this time, all these ups and downs.

    Regarding inviting them to birthday celebrations or holidays, I suggest you put your husband’s feelings first. Your marriage is your primary concern — it’s your first priority. Your relationship with your parents is important (and of course we’d rather have close loving parents, not difficult ones!), but it is secondary to husbands and children.

    I’d try not to cut your parents out of your life totally — especially if they have a good relationship with your daughter. But, I wouldn’t arrange to have your husband and your parents together at the same time. What’s the point of doing that? It’s not likely that your parents will magically accept your husband.

    Organize weekend lunches with your parents and grandaughter, perhaps at neutral spot. For instance, go for a picnic in the summertime or meet at an inexpensive restaurant in winter. If your daughter has recitals or rehearsals, invite your parents to that (if your husband isn’t there). Do what you can to faciliate the granddaughter-grandparent relationship, and let your husband off “center stage” for awhile!

    Again, I encourage you to put your husband’s needs and wishes first.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

35. Comment by Amelia on 15 January 2010:

    I need some advice about my father. I am 24 years old and due to my inability to get a job I have to live with my parents. Me and my dad have never got along. He bullied my my entire childhood. I can’t tell my mom because it just upsets her. My dad is carrying on the SAME bullying behavior that he had when I was a little kid. Spitting on me, screaming in my face and freaking out about tiny things. (where is the lime green coffee mug…um…i don’t know???) He makes me scrub the floors while he stands over me eating chips and berating me. I don’t know what to do. I want to get away from him but I can’t until I have a job. I am starting to feel desperate.

    I hate him. I hate to hate him because it means hating myself. I am getting very depressed.

36. Comment by Matthew on 16 January 2010:

    Hi Laurie

    Thanks for your advice, the part that I can’t do at the moment is to convince them to have dinner with my fiancee, my mum (and my dad) completely shut her off. As I said, it is very difficult if they dont want to even mention her name. Even if they agree to have dinner they will give my fiancee a hard time. Also, my fiancee is an introvert and she is very quiet but of course, she has a very big heart and no matter how difficult things are, she lets her action do the talking rather then commenting on things.

    Do you think it is correct if I put my fiancee feeling first and protect her from all the harms coming from my parents?

    On the other hand, I am trying to spend sometime with my parents while I am off work to mend the damage relations, I dont know whether doing this is correct either

37. Comment by Laura on 17 January 2010:

    I am at loss of idea and am about to give up! I need help! I am originally from Europe and 17 years ago moved to the US and eventually got married and started a family. My mother has never forgiven me for leaving my country and untimely leaving her. It has become even more difficult sine I now have a child and I am also taking her grand-child and the “joy of grand-parenthood” from her as well. For the past 17 years, my mother and father have visited me dozens of times, and I try to go back to visit at least once a year too, I call every Saturday and Sunday for over an hour, send pictures, do the web cam thing… yet it is never enough! And more often than not she cries over the phone, sends nasty emails pointing out the pictures I should have taken and sent because this is what I owe her, that my child should email her more often, that she doesn’t want to talk to her on the phone as long as she wishes she would… needless to say, I have ran out of excuses and apologies, and I am losing interest in calling, emailing… since there is no conversation but just reproaches. I am almost 40 and yet on a weekly bases I am being talked to like a little girl! I can no longer take it! It is creating problem with my husband as well who does not appreciate the result of my weekly phone conversation with my mom!
    I do not know what to do! I feel like I have tried, but nothing is ever enough. What she wants is for me to go back to my country and live next to her… she does not understand that it is not an option, that my life is here and has been here for a long time.
    In my heart I know that it is difficult for her and I have tried my best over the years to compensate… but as she is getting older it is getting more and more difficult. I know I cannot just stop to call, but I cannot continue to listen to her constant crying about decisions I took a long time ago and that I do not regret!
    Please help me, I do not know what to do!! Thanks.

38. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 January 2010:

    Dear Amelia,

    Your father sounds like an extremely difficult parent to live with!

    I encourage you to make a plan for getting a job and moving out of your parents’ home. Don’t just say “I want to get a job” — instead, figure out the specific steps that will help you land a job. Be prepared to work at a fast food restaurant, taco stand, or toll booth for as long as it takes to find work that you really want to do. Get a minimum wage paying job and find roommates, until you’re ready to live on your own with a better job.

    Another option is to move in with relatives until you land a good job. Maybe you have an aunt, cousins, or grandparents that you could stay with for a few weeks?

    I think it’s important to realize that you can’t change your dad’s behavior towards you, but you can change how you respond to it. If you have to keep living with him, then you need to learn how NOT to let his criticisms affect you. Also, stay away from him as much as possible!

    There isn’t any magic solution to getting along with difficult parents, and every situation is different. But, you need to remember that you DO have the power to change your circumstances…you just need to take specific steps to access that power.

    I wish you all the best in your job and new home search, and hope you find something quickly!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

39. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 January 2010:

    Matthew,

    If you’re committed to marrying your fiancee, then yes — you need to put her feelings first. You can’t force your parents to get along with her, so you must make difficult choices! That may mean cutting off ties with your parents, which I mentioned before.

    You need to do what feels right for YOU and your future. You have to listen to your heart and trust your gut…and make your decision based on what YOU think is the right thing. That’s part of being a man, my friend.

    Your parents may come around in time…but in the meantime, you need to do what you think is right, and be prepared to cope with unhappy people (because you can’t make everyone happy all the time).

    Blessings,
    Laurie

40. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 January 2010:

    Hi Laura,

    It sounds like it’s been quite the ordeal with your mom! Unfortunately, I don’t think think there’s anything you can do to change how she feels about you living where you are now. You can’t change her mind or how she’s coping with your absence.

    However, you can change how you respond to her. I suggest calling her once a week, and not engaging in arguments about your life choices when you talk. So, when she starts to berate you, you could change the subject or directly ask her to talk about something else. After all, how often can you have the same argument?

    I recommend getting a book on dealing with difficult people, and learning how to deflect certain conversations and conflicts. Setting healthy boundaries is another great topic to learn about — because she’s definitely not respecting your boundaries or choices. You need to draw the line in the sand with your mother; it’s difficult and time-consuming, but it’ll be worth it in the long run. Read about boundaries, take workshops or classes about setting healthy boundaries with difficult people, and consider talking to a family counselor about the best way to handle your mom.

    Remember, you can’t change her or convince her that you’re doing the right thing with your life…you can only make choices, and teach people how to treat you.

    I hope this gives you a starting point, and that you find the strength and courage you need to deal with your difficult mother!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

41. Comment by Ashley on 22 January 2010:

    I am also at a loss and have been trying to figure out what to do with my difficult parents. I just came from a therapist’s office- which I just would like to know how others would have handled this therapy session!

    Things in my family got bad when my boyfriend and I broke up several months ago. First, my parents definitely caused problems in my relationships. If I ask to hang out with them, they are busy, if I am busy in a job or relationship, they expect me to drop that and be with them. (Of course, they manipulate it in a different way.) My brother and his girlfriend also broke up- and that’s when my parents seemed to get upset. I think that they were so excited to plan weddings and have more grandkids- that these breakups meant that they would have to be parents again and be around for holidays because we don’t have significant others.

    Anyway, as soon as my boyfriend and I broke up, my mother IMMEDIATELY started bad mouthing me to my sister and her husband about how difficult I am and how depressed I was. (I was going through a breakup!)

    I do not get along with my sister (because she bad mouths me and lies) and my brother- well I believe he was emotionally and possibly physically abusive to her and she finally left. All of the same things I deal with (if I need help with bills, I get criticized, if I work when they want to get together I get criticized, etc.) I think that my brother’s girlfriend- got treated in the same way I did. (The reason that they broke up to others: she didn’t talk to her Dad which was weird (he abandoned her), she started drinking again (she was in AA and my brother drank in front of her), she didn’t make enough money (my brother told her to move for him and quit her job and he would support her and then she couldn’t find another job)- and that she wasn’t happy enough for him (she moved for him and he wouldn’t get engaged to her!)

    -I only say the above to explain my situation. With me, I have struggled to support myself and I am told (even in the WORST economy) that since I have a good degree, this shouldn’t be a problem (everyone else in my family works in the family business, but I was not offered that option or they are stay at home Moms)- when I don’t have a boyfriend- it must be about my “difficult” behavior, etc. etc.

    The therapist I went to three times- the first my mother and I established ground rules- about lying, promises, etc. The third session, it was apparent that my mother had lied already in the first two sessions! I had to bring proof because when confronted my mother always lies and says “I don’t remember”. The therapist wouldn’t let me read my proof and told me that from now on I was to “trust her and she was here to fix our relationship” (No my mother wasn’t, she was there because I told her I wouldn’t talk to her without a third party!!!) Again, if she LIED even in the sessions to therapist, shouldn’t she have called her out? Instead, I was told to “promise” that I wouldn’t talk behind her back (I hadn’t! This wasn’t my issue!) and I am just SO frusterated!!!

    Are all therapists like this? I went to another with my family that told me she had to talk to each of us separetely and that we couldn’t talk about anyone without them present. So, what again was the point???

    I have just so had it! If my mother lies to the therapist (and I brought in proof and the therapist says not to show that, how can I trust that my mother will admit to anything?) My mother is never sorry- she is only sorry when she is caught and there is consequences.

42. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 January 2010:

    Dear Ashley,

    It sounds like you’ve been having very interesting experiences with these therapists…and your mother! There’s alot of history and emotions between you and your mom, which is difficult to unravel without talking about her to your counselor (like you said).

    I don’t think all therapists are the same, and I suggest you find one that you connect with. Finding a “good” counselor — someone you have chemistry with, that you understand and who understands you — can be a trial and error process. You might want to try a third counselor…and if he or she tells you something similar to what you’ve already been hearing, then there might be something there!

    Perhaps the reason the counselors don’t encourage clients to talk about their family members is because the counselor wants the client to focus on her own self, her own behaviors, her own reactions and responses. After all, that’s the only thing we can control. We can’t change or control other people, so why spend alot of time talking about them?

    I wish you all the best in finding a counselor that you connect with.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

43. Comment by Melanie on 4 February 2010:

    Hi there

    Hope you an give some advice; My Dad died about 2 yrs ago leaving my mother extremely well off. I have a sister who lives far away and unable to help in any praticable way, so I am the only one to look after my mom (she still lives in her own house. We were in financial difficulty and my mom lent us (ny family ) some money. Let me continue:

    My mother cannot drive, I take her shopping, do any other driving, going to the Chemist etc, sort out her affairs any problems, she comes to us every Sunday, we fetch her too, (and has done for all our married life – about 25 yrs), take her ro Dr’s appointments etc. Which I do because , well she is my mom and I love her. She can be verbally abusive, cannot understand if I say I do not have petrol money , or money for anything else, nothing I do is good enough, she complains about everyone. her cousin takes her out shopping , she moans about that. She complains she is lonly but when my cousins invite her out, she wont go and then phones me and complains that they have asked her out. Today she told me that we must control our spending. I am married, we have three children, tow in College and one at school, all the kids are still at home. We do not live extravently at all, we dont eat out etc, When I asked her what must I do to cut down, she just ignored me and said the weather was hot. When she accuses me of something I say why did you say that, she then either denies saying it or pretends she doesn’t hear. My father also used to say nothing he did was good enough either. I just can’t carry on like this. My sister will phone her an get an earful as well, eg Why haven’t you phoned me etc – well my mom can pick up the phone and phone her.. Its getting to a stage where I just dont wont to do anything for her. I can quite understand now why there are old folks in homes and their children dont visit them. You cannot reason with her at all. Thanks

44. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 4 February 2010:

    Hi Melanie,

    Your mom is a difficult woman, and she’s not going to change. She is who she is, and the sooner you accept her exactly as she is right now, the happier you’ll be. That means not just accepting but EXPECTING her to complain, criticize, and be stubborn. That’s who she’s been for decades, and who she’ll probably always be.

    I suggest you spent minimal amounts of time with her. Help her as much as you can, but don’t let her manipulate you out of guilt or a misplaced sense of responsibility. For instance, she may very well be lonely…but that’s not your problem to fix.

    And, it sounds like you’re buying into her criticisms! For example, you asked her what you need to do to save money, and she didn’t even respond. Instead of feeding into her questions and comments by responding to them, I encourage you to let them roll off you. Instead of engaging her ideas, try saying “Mm hm” and changing the subject.

    Don’t try reasoning with her — you already know it doesn’t work! Just let her express her ideas, and forget about them.

    I hope these ideas help, and wish you all the best with your mom.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

45. Comment by James on 8 February 2010:

    Hi ,

    Well – I have a mother who is totally out of control. She screams, yells, bitches, complains, moans, behaves to attract self pitty. If she doesn’t lilke something she will simply give my dad hell day and night. She is totally selfish and a year ago I decided to but a boundary in place and not having anything to do with her anymore. He mere prsence destroys how I feel about myself – she is an expert at “poor mumy” message and “no one loves me” etc. Well now that I have put this boundary by Father, brother and everyone my father knows are trying to manipulate me on talking to her again. I finall have peacein my life at 34 yrs of age and YET everyone is upset by the boundary I have put in place – WHY are they upset? Well because my mother is giving my Dad hell day and night about it!…. Unfortuantely my Dad’s eyesight are really bad and he is sutck with her and she will not shut the F**k up. My options are: Talk to my mother and in a way that just destroys me inside (I don’t know how – it just does) or put up with eveyones continual manipulation and harassement about it….

    yeah – I do need some insight into this .

    thanks,
    RJ.

46. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 9 February 2010:

    Hi RJ,

    I think it’s great that you set your boundaries, and I’ve found that setting boundaries with difficult parents isn’t necessarily the problem. As you’re learning, the problem is sticking to those boundaries, and coping with other family members’ responses to the lines drawn in the sand.

    Regarding your family members: they probably believe that other people (you) should live the way they themselves live. That means they think you should put up with your mother’s behavior because they are, and they think they’re doing the right thing. Or, they’re not strong enough to put the boundaries in place, and they want you to be as miserable as they are! After all, misery loves company.

    Wouldn’t it be ironic if you decided to pick up where you left off with your mother — helping her as much as you can despite her behaviro — and one of your relatives decided to pull back, because you’ve stepped back in? Sometimes that happens!

    Anyway, you need to decide what you’d rather live with: your mother the way she is right now, or your family members’ harrassment. Which is worse? Which causes you more stress? Which, if you look back on it when you’re 80 years old, can you most easily live with? I can’t answer those questions for you…

    You might consider talking to a counselor for a session or two. Sometimes all we need is a sounding board, someone to help us see our situation objectively and clearly. A counselor can give you the tools and strategies you need to deal with either your difficult mother or your relatives.

    I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

47. Comment by Adele on 10 February 2010:

    wow, how lucky i am to have found this site!
    I am 25 years old and have incredibly diifcult parents (mainly mum, dad just goes along with what she says). i have just gotten off the phone from telling my mum i am pregnant. well she isnt happy at all.
    I feel i had a tough childhood…more in an emotional way than anything.
    I have never got on well with my mum and have never felt a closeness to her that i would assume most mother/daughters would have. I have never been shopping with my mum or just hang out with her. she feels like a stranger to me really.
    I was emotionally abused as a child, having been overprotected by both parents. I was nevr allowed to sleep over at friends houses and when i was i was always “punished” the next day by having to stay indoors for the rest of the day. I remember this vividly happening when i was 17!!!!
    My issue now is my parents have never ever liked anyone I have been with and noone would ever be good enough in their eyes. I have had 5 serious boyfreinds and they have disliked them all.
    I am nw engaged to my partner of 2 1/2 years (my parents dont officially know this as I never annouced this to them-which has been over a year now!) they have not liked him since about 3 month sinto our relationship. They have never given me a proper reason why they do not like him (although i think they feel he is not good enough job wise, wealth wise, family wise)
    i always have this dreaded sick feeling everytime i need to speak to my mum and feel that although i know deep down she loves me, she doesnt truely love me.
    When i was 18 i used to go out clubbing (like most 18 yo!) and would get abused if i wasnt home by 1pm at the lastest. The abuse was worse when they were drinking.
    I cant help but resent them and feel i need to cut them out of my life. My brother is treated the complete opposite, and I guess being gay i can understand. But he gets away with everything!
    i am just wonderign now that i am pregnant and mum mum stating she is not happy and will never accept my fiance, but i am truely happy (for once in my life i have felt free) that i should cut them out? I have my partners parents whom i get on very well with and i guess the baby would not be without influential grandparents.Both my parents had bad childhoods (mums dad died when she was 16 and her mum was apprarently a so called b*tch etc) and dad was adopted…i am curious to know is this why they are so f*cked up towards me?
    at 25 i still feel tied down to my parents and that i have to do everything they tell me to do and that anything i do wont make them happy. i would appreciate someone replying as i note the advice has been really good and what i should do! i cant talk to any relatives on either my mum or dads side as my parents will feel i am taking sides!

48. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 13 February 2010:

    Dear Adele,

    Congratulations on your pregnancy! How exciting

    I’m sorry to hear about your mom — that’s sad, that you and she have never really connected. But, it’s also fairly common! That is, we can love our family members, but not understand or even like them. We have to have chemistry with them, just like with our friends, spouses, and fiances. It sounds like you and your mom never had chemistry, and she was a difficult parent as well.

    Yes, there’s a good chance that your parents are the way they are because of their own childhood experiences. If we don’t deal with the things we experience, then we turn around and negatively affect other people’s lives!

    I can’t tell you if you should end all contact with them…that’s such a huge decision, especially when you have children.

    Have you considered family counseling? I think it’s worth suggesting to your parents….the worst they can say is no, and at least you know you’re trying to make your relationship better!

    I also suggest reading as much as you can about dealing with difficult parents, and applying those suggestions to your life. Alot of those books are written by counselors or psychologists, who really do have good tips for dealing with difficult people.

    Finally, I suggest you to think about limiting the time you spend communicating with them. You don’t necessarily need to cut your parents out of your life; rather, you can give them a quick call every 2-3 months — or you can even send a note instead of calling. Give yourself some space to enjoy your new love and pregnancy! I also think that cutting your parents out might detract from your happiness, because it’s such a cold thing to do. I support it in many circumstances and am not telling you that you shouldn’t do it…I’m just saying that it may make you feel worse than if you limited contact to a superficial level.

    I hope this helps…and please come back and let me know how your pregnancy’s going, and if you have a boy or a girl!

    Take care,

    Laurie

49. Comment by Kay on 28 February 2010:

    Hello! I to have difficult parents too. Sometimes I feel like a young child when around my parents. But when I am able to act my age they seem to be threated by that. Sometimes I don’t know how to act around them because they may not be ready to accept that fact that I am grown now. What should I do? I want to be myself.

50. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 3 March 2010:

    Hi Kay,

    I think the best way to cope with difficult parents is to NOT worry about how to act around them! Instead, you need to just be yourself and forget about how they perceive you or what they think.

    This seems like simple (and perhaps simple-minded!) advice, but it’s actually very difficult. Being yourself is one of the most difficult things every — especially in front of our parents. But, it is possible.

    So, my advice is to focus on expressing who you are, what you think, and what you want out of life. Take a deep breath when you’re with your parents, and let your true self come out. It’s a challenging way to live your life…but trust me, the more you do it, the easier it gets.

    And, accept that you do care what your parents think. And, your parents may never be ready to let you go. That’s just part of your life — and their lives — and you may not be able to change that. It is what it is. However, it doesn’t mean you have to change who you are or what you say…it just means that that’s the way you and your parents are.

    I wish you all the best with them…

    Blessings,
    Laurie

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