What a dilemma — it sounds like you’re really “caught between two lovers”!

My best advice is for you to take a break from both men for several months. I think you should move into your own place alone, and take advantage of the time and space to figure out what (and who) you really want. When you’re in the midst of living with one man and thinking about another, you can’t see your life or either man objectively. But, when you have time and space to look at your life objectively — and the men objectively — then you may have a better idea of what to do about your relationships.

You might also consider talking to a counselor for a session or two. Often, talking to a trained professional who only has your best interests at heart can give you the clarity and support you need to make a decision about your life.

I hope this helps, and would love to hear how things unfold!

Blessings,
Laurie

I am a 50 year old women living with Bill a 41 year old man. Bill and I met 2 years ago when I was ending a very bad relationship with a man that has a substance problem. Dan the ex had not worked in 6 years due to a bad back and my resentment just kept on growing. I had told Dan for the last year that I was going to leave him, but he never beleived that I would do such a thing since he had no way of supporting himself. Bill was working on my mothers house when I met him and he looked like the most beautiful human I had ever seen in my life(still look at him that way). We had a whirlwind affair, and during that time Bill would keep on telling me he did not want a relationship. I moved in with my mother due to her health problems at the time, finally freed myself of Dan and rented my house to Bill who wanted to live in a better neighborhood since he had two young children that stayed with him on the weekend and feared for their safety at his present home. I thought that Bill had steady income and he was responsible and relaible due to his demeanor and the fact that he was such a great father. Well as the weeks went on he leaned on me to help him straighten out a problem with his drivers license and other issues. He was acting erratic and my repsonse was to turn and retreat away from him. I would hear from him every couple of days and then we became enemies. He was living in my house with two other fellows and none of them could come up with the rent. This went on for two months with him acting absurd, so I just went along my own way and threw myself into the dating market again. In between I would hear from Bill, he finally fessed up and told me he had a crack habit and that the guy that had just moved in with him over a month and a half ago fueled the need for the drug. He wanted me to move in with him so I could help him with his addiction and help him pay the bills in the house. I still had an attraction to him and I needed to get my house out of his control. My mother was doing better and even though I love her dearly, I cannot live with her, We are both dominant women who wants it their own way. I moved in with Bill threw out the other loser and took over my house. I dated other men and we kept to ourselves.I guess When I met David 3 months later warning bells went off in Bills head that I would get seriouse with David and he intervened. Bill was doing well at that time, completely off the drug and working hard at a job site across the state. Bill would only come home on weekends, when he did come home I rewarded him with a well kept house, food in the fridge and hot meals on the table. it’s very hard for me to be any other way when a man is living under the same roof and me,I just automatically turn into the domestic goddess. David at this time is coming on real strong but yet, never really affording me any of his time. Said he had a young son he was taking care of and his time was limited. I put up with the David thing because I really felt we had alot in common and both had the same intimacy needs. Not long after he announced he had testicular cancer for the second time and needed to be treated. I did not see David to much during this time. I bought books and made all type of dishes to keep his strength up, but he would get angry and tell me that he didn’t need me to take care of him. Well it finally came out that he was married to a women he said cheated on him and he didn’t love her anymore. Once I found that out I dropped him like a rock. My husband of 15 years cheated on me with his childhood sweetheart and I swore I would never do to another female what has been done to me. I will not ever date a married man! In the meanwhile Bill and I are discovering we live together very well and have some of the same interests. We do have sex from time to time and we seem to be getting closer. Bill is still saying he does not want a relationship, but yet, he has grown quite accostomed to the good care I give him and his children. When we get to close Bill doesn’t come home one night and ends up 300 miles away from home visiting and old girlfriend he has been in touch with for years. Althoug I am hurt I remind myself that he kept on telling me he didnt wasnt a relationship, I stop all the extra care I give him and carry on with my life with him as room mates. I still heard from David he would touch base once a week through text. David wanted to talk with me and I agreed, he pretty much broke me down. He said he was sorry for lying to me about him being married, but that he loved me and didn’t want to lose me and that after having cancer twice he doesn’t care about anyone elses happiness only his own. He said he wanted to leave his estranged wife and son and give up his house for me.That I would just have to say when and he would come and live with me. Bill has also decided that he doesn’t want to lose me, declares his love for me and he now wants to start a relationship. When Bill said this I was under the impression that he would start sleeping in the same bed with me. Bill has never even layed next to me and have an intimate moment. He will have sex in every other room in the house except my bedroom, he is almost afraid to cross the threshold. Bill does not like to cuddle and runs to the shower the second sex for him is over. He will hug stading up, kiss and hold hands, but that is the extent to our closeness. This has bothered me greatly for the last two months to the point that I can’t live with him anymore. I feel cold and empty every morning I wake up alone and go to bed alone. I do love Bill and have from the moment I saw him. It is so difficult for me to leave him. It has always been a matter of finances for him. He can’t seem to get steady income and I beleive that I have become his safety net that he is afraid to go without. This is no replacement for true love and it has been tormenting me that I must leave him. David is always waiting for the other shoe to drops so he can slide right in. Don’t get me wrong David would have been a more suitable partner for me if it wasn’t for his lying to me about his marriage. Please help.

I’m sorry I missed your comment, and I truly hope you’re feeling better these days!

There’s nothing wrong with you…you were in love with her, and she turned out to be much different than you expected. You’re heartbroken, confused, and bewildered…and that’s normal.

I suspect she did love you, because not very many people can fake a relationship for two years. I don’t know what’s going on with her, but it sounds like she’s in pain. She’s spreading her pain around, which is what people do when they’re hurt. I’m not saying YOU hurt her, but it’s a sad and common cycle for people who have been hurt to perpetuate the pain. You mentioned that she had an eating disorder, which tells me that she has some emotional health issues to sort out.

My best advice for you is to let her go and move on. Letting go of someone you love — especially if it’s an addictive relationship — is very difficult. And, it takes time to heal from a breakup. But, I hope you know that you WILL love and laugh and live fully again, and you CAN be happy with a new girlfriend! First, though, you may have to go through a valley of healing and despair.

But…good things are in your future! You’ll learn from this relationship, and become stronger and happier for your next one.

I wish you all the best, and thank you for coming back to remind me that you wrote earlier!

Blessings,
Laurie

I’m sorry to hear it didn’t work out with this girl. You fell in love fast, and it’s heartbreaking when it doesn’t work out!

It’s totally normal to want to talk to her sometimes. You have strong feelings for her, and those don’t just disappear. But I think you’re doing the right thing by saying good-bye and letting her go. It doesn’t sound like she’s ready for a committed relationship — even if she loves you (and she may!).

I hope your heart heals quickly, and you love and laugh again soon…

Blessings,
Laurie