I’m sorry to hear that your wife was emotionally involved with another man — that’s heartbreaking. It’s especially sad that she refuses to talk about it, because honesty can go far in reconnecting and saving your marriage.

There’s no way I can say if she was falling for this guy, or why she was open to developing the relationship in the first place (which is perhaps more important).

If you keep bringing him up and talking about the affair and her feelings, then you risk alienating her. And, you give her even more power. Instead, I suggest letting it go. I know that’s much easier said than done, and I know you haven’t brought it up constantly, but I think you need to start taking back your power in your marriage.

You need to re-establish yourself as a healthy, happy, strong man. How do you do this? You could talk to a counselor, read books about overcoming emotional infidelity, read books about establishing a strong sense of self-identity apart from your marriage, and striving to live your best life. Not only will you feel better about yourself and your life, you’ll be MUCH more attractive to your wife!

Remember that I don’t know all the nuances of your marriage and wife. The best way to get back on track is to talk to a counselor — either the two of you with a marriage counselor, or you alone with a therapist. You’re confused, hurt, and scared….and it’s hard to overcome those feelings without external support.

Also — your wife may be confused, scared, and uncertain. She may not know why she was willing to engage in an emotional affair, and she may not know what to say to make things better.

I wish you all the best as you work to save your marriage. Talk to a counselor; let me know how it goes.

Blessings,
Laurie

Although its hard to hear – I actually have been trying to let him go. I wrote him a letter telling him I was leaving about 2 weeks ago, however he happened to come home during me moving out. He didn’t want me to leave, so I stayed, but when he went right back to ignoring me, I left 2 days later. He then ended up telling me over the phone that it was over between us. He told me he needed me in his life, and still wanted to be friends. I told him I couldn’t do that, that it would be too hard for me. After arguing for 3 hours, I told him I had to go and not to contact me after this. A few hours later he realized he made a wrong decision and wrote me an email apologizing that it was over, that he needed and wanted me as his wife. And asked me to forgive him that he said that. He also said he would give counseling another chance (he only went once before and said he would never go back)

It’s been almost 2 weeks since that has happened, and I am continuing to live at my brothers house. I went to talk to his sister, and she can kind of understand why I did what I did. She knows that I am sorry for hurting her brother and also sees that her brother needs help himself. However, she had emailed me a few days ago saying when she had talked to him – he told her it was over and that was his decision.

Since then, I have seen him twice, and both times he told me he was coming to counseling and would be open minded about what the therapist has to say.

We also hung out last night – he had told me before that we have to work on our friendship again and to build the trust back. So I inititated us hanging out – even if it was just watching tv. We both wanted to fool around – but we learned from past experiences that this wasn’t the best option for us right now.

I am confused on why he would tell his sister it was over, but tell me he wanted to go to counseling and would be open minded about what the therapist would say.

We go to counseling tomorrow and I must say I am scared to death with what he will say.

Did I mention our 2 year anniversary is next week

I wish you much success with counseling and great happiness in your life – with or without your husband.

~Everydaymatters

Here’s the thing with making your husband stay in a marriage that he’s unhappy with: he hasn’t chosen it of his own volition, because he wants to. Even if you were successful in convincing him to stay, he’s not fully committed to your marriage. He might resent you, which could grow into bigger marriage problems down the road.

Maybe the best thing to do right now is let him go. Give him freedom and space to get help, go to counseling, deal with his own issues. There’s nothing that makes a man (or woman) run faster than someone who is cloying, suffocating, or needy. Giving him the “hard sell” right now might make him run faster and farther away.

So, I think I AM giving you advice on making your husband stay in your marriage! Step back, let him make his decision and live his life. That’s more attractive, loving, and appealing than pressuring him. He knows you want him back. He knows you want your marriage to work, and that you’re sorry about the emotional affair.

You could even write him a letter that lets him go, in essence. Express your love, say you’ll still be there whenever he needs to talk, reassure him that you’re staying in your own counseling and that you’re willing to go to marriage counseling wtih him…and give him freedom.

Ouch. But, it may be the healthiest thing you could do.

Good luck, and let me know how it goes!

Laurie

A few years later we were engaged, we bought a house and starting to plan our future. I had landed a full time job working in an ICU at a Children’s hospital and my husband was promoted to detective.
He loved his job, and I was so happy for him. Except he was now becoming more involved with the job (late nights), the drinking was out of control (he would hardly ever tell me he was going out, and had female bartenders numbers in his phone), and finacially he was all over the place. Trying to talk to him or ask him questions just made him mad. And that was the last thing I wanted to do before our wedding, so I often would just keep quiet. I kept telling myself that after the wedding, things will be great.

Well the wedding came and went, but things never got better. After a few nights of him going out and not telling me, a few drinking and driving incidents, the valentine’s day card with $$ in it so I could buy my own present, and the night that his parents had to pic him up from the bar because he was so drunk, and when he came home through the TV off the stand – I just about had it.

Six months into the marriage, I had confided in a male friend (who had moved states away) the issues I was having with my husband. For me, it was knowing that I could talk to him and him not really knowing anyone I knew so I didn’t feel like I was airing my dirty laundry out for everyone to hear and judge. As would talk via email, he made me feel good about myself, and told me I didn’t deserve to be in a relationship like that. And I started to believe him. We would email back and forth often throughout the day, and at the time I really enjoyed it. Then the relationship started to turn into more emotions, and I went as far as telling him I loved him. After I did it, I felt horrible. I really didn’t mean it, but it was so nice having those things I longed for my husband to say that I got wrapped up. Almost immediately, I emailed him and told him that I loved him, but I was married, and although I am having issues with my husband, I couldn’t do this anymore. And that was that, I never talked to him again.

I tried to improve my relationship with my husband – but it just wasn’t working. He had become so involved with working, that became his priority. I was often jealous of people taking him out to dinner, and young beautiful news reporters being “friends” with him so they can get the best news stories. I didn’t even get a card for our 1st anniversary (and we had talked about no gifts,just cards for our present)

I had left my email open about a year after I had my “email relationship” and my husband found the last email I had wrote my friend. He confronted me on it, and I was completly honest with him. Telling him who he was, how it started, and my feeling around the situtation. We both cried and he swore he was going to try to be a better husband. About a month later, the politics of the police dept effected my husband from being transfered to the unit he wanted – which made him very angry. He then began to hate his job, and our house, and then he became very angry about the emails. He told me he tried to forget, but he can’t and he’s not sure if he wants to be married to me. We were fighting for almost a month when I caught him on the phone with another girl saying very inappropriate things. When I confronted him, he was very angry and told me it was none of my business and that she was “just a friend”. He also told me it was over between us, but then cried like a baby and told me I wasn’t suppose to hurt him like I did. I stayed, but after him going back to ignoring me I moved into my brothers.
I had called him one morning because I had a pit on my stomach, and yet again he told me it was over. Hours later I had an email apologizing saying I was the love of his life and that he is sorry he told me it was over. And that he needs and want me as his wife. However, that happened over a week ago and we are still not together.
I had started going to therapy when this all started happening – and to tell you the truth I never even knew what an emotional affair was until now. I am not the cheating type – and it actually shocked me that I ever crossed the line. My husband came to one session with me, but came with a chip on his shoulder and not wanting to put forth the effort. After he told me it was over for the 2nd time, he said he would try counseling one more time. However I am afraid he is going to end it with me there since he told his sister he made his final decision and he wants a divorce.
I don’t want to end my marriage – I love my husband. And I know that the love we had in the beginning is a foundation I know we can re-build on. But I am starting to realize that he needs help before we can fix us. I am just afraid of him still telling me its over.
Any advice on how I can make him stay with me? I admitted my wrong doings, but I want him to honeslty belive me when I say my feeling towards the other guy weren’t real.

Regarding your question about transparency in relationships…that’s a tough one. On the one hand, you can’t be monitoring every email and text message that he gets. You’ll suffocate him, and you’ll feel like an overbearing, controlling mother bear or something. You can’t keep checking up on him — that’s too suspicious and distrustful.

I don’t think healthy, strong, committed relationships include spyware systems, because spying means you don’t trust someone. And, if you don’t trust your partner, you can’t have a strong, healthy relationship.

Cindy, do you trust him? It sounds like he was genuninely repentant and seriously wants to work things out with you! Though I don’t know all the details and I don’t know what’s going on in his mind, I suggest you consider taking him at his word.

If he understands that he needs to maintain distance from other women in order to build a strong relationship with you, then you might have to just trust him. Like you said, you can’t monitor his work email or what happens at his home — and you monitoring him isn’t part of a strong relationship, anyway.

What do you think about that?

Laurie

Three years is a long time to be in counseling. Have you found it helpful? I’m a big fan of getting counseling — especially couples counseling when physical or emotional affairs are involved.

I hope you find the courage to either leave your marriage or invite your husband into counseling with you, so you can rebuild your marriage.

Also — your friend may not want you to know if he’s physically attracted to you, or if he wants to be more than friends. Maybe he doesn’t want to be a wedge in your marriage (though being so supportive to a married woman does cross a boundary).

By the way, your story motivated me to write “How to Stop Cheating on Your Partner.” Here’s the link, in case you’re interested:

http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/how-to-stop-cheating-on-your-partner/

I wish you all the best, and hope you find the courage to make changes in your life!

All best,
Laurie