There Are 14 Responses So Far. »

1. Comment by angela on 14 July 2009:

   I caught my husband and neighbour passing gestures to each other over a period of time.I noticed him constantly staring in her direction.I confronted him after I had obsereved the situation carefully to make sure I knew they were being secretive.He went mad and accussed me of needing medical help, for spying on him.He cooled the contact with the neighbour for about a week after the confrontation.I started to ignore the neighbour.Then I felt bad with myself as he convinced me, he never had anything going with her.The moment I started speaking to her again they started their little emotional affair again.It was as though they had gained my trust as an acceptance to continue.I instantky cut her off from all conversation and confronted my husband again.He still denies any involvement.However,he has stopped talking to her and being in eye shot of her completely. We are now on week 2. She has not seen a glimps of my husband.She’s obviously very confussed.My husband feels I should still say Hi and raise a hand to her each day.I haven’t told him yet, this will not happen.I’m not going to give them a pathway to restart behind my back again.He said eventually he will raise his hand to say Hi when it’s all blown over.i’m very confussed as he denies an emotional affair so whats got to blow over?Is he guilty.I feel he’s lying to me.He’s twisted this to look like like she is the bad person and agreeing with me about my veiws on her.I am getting close to now laying my cards on the table and telling him the whole story as I see it.I know this affair of emotions started last summer.We went away for 6 months.On refection he made my life hell through drinking and picking fights every night.During this period she sprank to mind I did suspect he could have been missing her.I never said anything as things were bad enough.At this point I wasn’t sure.I had caught him staring and jumping to her every whim and I did confront him.I wasn’t to concerned then as I didn’t notice anything to intense.
   Within a few weeks of returning to our summer destination my suspisions were confirmed.I noticed the longer time he spent outside our apartment.I noticed her always on the balcony when he was about.Then I noticed the secret gestures.They don’t speak to often as they both speak duifferent languages.It’s better through gestures as her husband is alweays sleeping in the room next to the balcony,when their affair is running.I do know they comunicate sometimes.Amazing he’s learnt a little of her language and she of ours.Little key words have been learnt to get messages across.He’s mentioned things she has said in confidence to him. Only since I confronted him on the affair.Slowly he drops things out.I told him she shouldn’t be discussing her husband with him and running him down to another man.She constantly pleeds povety as her husband has run up creitd card bills.I told my husband that she has crossed a no go barrier and he allowed her to.By him feeling sorry for her stuck on a balcony all day with 2 babies while her husband works from mid day until 3am in the morning (he runs a bar).She told my husband last year her husband often has affairs with hoilday makers.I feel she wants to get even with her husband and started to manipulate my husband.I’m not saying he’s innocent by any means, as he could have instigated this emotional affair. Just from what info she had been feeding him with.He’s a man and could have thought she’s telling me something here.
   She never nurses her babies or shows affection.Totally out of carecheter one day she pick a little one up and statred smothering kisses all over him.Her eyes we fixed firmly on my husband down below her balcony while doing so.I Can’t see my husband but what ever he is gesturing to her sometimes she goes in to a fit of giggles and her tongue protrudes slightly.I’ve notice my husband does this gesture while sitting in front of me,my back is to hers across our balconies.The funny thing is they both seem mezmorized and not aware that other people are around.
   My husband as far as know has never done this across me in 30 years of marriage.However I did know one day he would.He’s weak minded and a lot of his friends have affairs behind their wives backs.I think he thinks he joined the boys & he can say something to them about what he’s been up to.I think he trusted his luck by making a pass at her initially to see if he could do it.She bit the cherry and demanded more as a woman does.I feel it went from there and he was enjoying it and getting very involved.They haven’t managed to touch each other yet or get close enough to smell each other.She was planning a BBQ for us to go to on her roof terrace.She approached our neighbours we are close to, a few weeks back.They don’t mix in her circle and have no intention of doing so.She wants them to go to her house.They refussed Un-be-knowns to them I feel she expected this to be a opening.If they accepted the invitation it would have been easy to call us over to her place.
   My emotions are all over the place some days I ok others I’m down and cry. For him to put some one above me is a thing I’m finding hard to accept.I have never accepted another mans advances towards me.I have always been offended that someone thinks they stand a chance against my husband.Why they possibly think I wouyld want to put my marriage at risk for them is unbeleivable.
   However,my husband is not playing the same rules as me.His selfishness has got the better of him.I’m at a cross roads as I’m not sure I can go on with this betrayal.I feel he’s invaded our special togetherness by opening up to someone else.

2. Comment by Cindy on 17 July 2009:

   A friend told me about this Dr. Phil episode because for 18 months I have been dating a man who says he wants to be exclusive, and loves me, but is still in contact with many ex-girlfriends and has mostly female friends. I recently confronted him about some emailing he had been doing, and discovered he had 4 “pen pals” in other countries. He had pictures of one on his computer wearing a camisole with a sexy pose, and he said she was just asking for advice on a hair cut. He is still in touch with women he knew back in high school, and we have been in social situations with several of his ex-girlfriends. I shared the concept of emotional infidelity with him, and told him that if he would stop sneaking around and be fully transparent with his relationships I would be able to believe they were indeed friendships and not a way to still be “single.” (He has friends who know about me and I know of them, I don’t have an issue with those. It’s the ones who don’t know he’s in a relationship after 18 mos and are actively kept secret from me that are the issue.) His phone is on vibrate when I’m around, he sneaks to other rooms to text, and immediately deletes texts and phone calls when they are done. His computer is password protected. He used to get email on his Ipod, but when he discovered it was too easy for me to look there, he stopped that. We spend every night together, and although we do not live together, have been sleeping in the same bed, alternating homes for the last year. So this is a serious relationship to me and I have been very committed. Am I wrong to expect boundaries on his behavior even though we are not married? I have been in agony for the last year, thinking I was too jealous/sensitive/not “progressive” enough. Worried that I was “damaged goods” because I had been cheated on in my 2 marriages, and my bf kept saying he was paying for my ex’s actions.
   Showed him your article, and he doesn’t think it applies to him. But his definition of friend is very broad. He is in contact with women from his high school class (he’s 44), women he met at a bar he hung out with when he was first divorced 12 years ago, and women he knew when he was a Deadhead going to see shows. Plus this pen pal thing (and he had hooked up with someone he met on that pen pal site sexually in the past when she came over from England to meet him, but he says he’s no longer in contact with that particular one any more.) He says that’s to learn about culture, I think it’s just another way to hook up/keep a toe in the water. You can learn about culture at the library. Or make friends with MEN in another country. Regardless, it’s the secretive nature of the communications that I have an issue with. Just wondering if there is any hope for this relationship and if I am interpreting this too severely given that we are not married. He has said he only wants to date me, and I do believe that he has not been physically cheating. The fact that he doesn’t share his day with me or dreams, hopes, etc. but will do it with someone online nonetheless feels like a violation. He says I’m just trying to control him and have him made out to be some sort of monster, and he’s not. I told him I don’t understand why those connections are so important that he would let me walk away over it. And the only thing I want is full disclosure and for the sneaking around to text, call, email to stop. Thoughts? And thanks! I finally don’t feel like I’m insane in having a problem with all this.

3. Comment by Laurie PK on 17 July 2009:

   No, you’re definitely not insane to have a problem with your boyfriend having relationships with other women, Cindy. A healthy relationship doesn’t involve secret communications with other people of teh opposite sex! It is emotional cheating — and I’m not surprised he doesn’t see it. Why would he? He’s getting the best of both worlds.

   Is there hope for your relationship? It depends on what type of relationship you want, my friend.

   He’s not going to change, and he’ll keep texting other women, looking at pictures of them, and hiding his involvement with them from you. If you’re willing to live with his emotional affairs, then your relationship will proceed.

   If you stay with him, do not expect him to change or for this to go away on its own. And, keep in mind that when people open their hearts and minds to other people, they create connections and bonds that could lead them astray. In other words, he might one day decide that his friendships with other women my be worth pursuing as more than friendship.

   If you want a healthy relationship, then you might want to think about moving on. I recently wrote “7 Ways to Tell if Your Marriage is Over” (I know you’re not married, but the idea is the same!):

   http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/7-ways-to-tell-if-your-marriage-is-over/

   You said the only thing you want is full disclosure and no more sneaking around. You DESERVE that from your boyfriend! That should be a given in any relationship — not something you have to fight for. You have every right to want it, and I hope you get it. I can’t see him being able to give it to you….but another man will. Don’t waste more time with someone who doesn’t respect you, who doesn’t show you he loves you (when men meet your needs, they’re showing their love).

   I’m sorry to have to say all this to you, Cindy, and I wish you all the best. Feel free to come back anytime, and let me know how you are.

   Laurie

4. Comment by everydaymatters on 18 July 2009:

   I ‘ve been married to an emotionally abusive (and once physically abusive) alcoholic for almost 18 years. I regret ever going out with him, let alone marrying him. I’ve been in counseling for three years, trying to find the courage to divorce him. Not that this excuses anything that I have done or am doing, but…

   I lost my job back several months ago, and my husband was less than supportive. In fact, he said some really cruel and hateful things to me during the three months that I was unemployed. A casual friend that I had known for about a year was there for me, and said all of the things to me that you might expect a spouse to say. He really helped boost my self esteem and confidence. He gave me pep talks before I went for interviews and called afterwards to find out how they went. My husband did none of this. My friend told me that he was proud of me.

   Over time, my friend and I have developed a very close friendship. We talk on the phone every day, sometimes more than once. We eat lunch or dinner together once or twice a week. I’ve been alone with him in his home many times, and there has never been any inappropriate physical contact between us. I really don’t think that he would cross that line because I am married. I also don’t think that he would respect me as much as he does if I crossed that line.

   I really do care about him alot and wish that I could have more than just friendship with him. The truth is, I don’t really think that he is attracted to me in “that” way. Maybe that is why he has pursued this friendship with me… because it’s safe to be in my company because I am married and not someone he is physically attracted to. I really value and appreciate his friendship and will probably have to accept that this is all that we will ever have together.

   The counselor that I have been seeing says that this is a form of infidelity or cheating, or whatever you want to call it. I frequently lie to my husband about where I am going or who I am talking to, but many times, he is so drunk that he passes out and has no idea that I have left home for hours or that I’m on the phone with another man.

   That’s my story…

5. Comment by Cindy on 18 July 2009:

   Thanks, Laurie. After my last comment, my bf came over and brought his computer. He went through all the contacts in his address book and cell phone. I learned that after his class reunion last summer, which I attended with him, he received an email from the woman he took to prom 25 plus years ago. He said they exchanged emails 3 times, and he had pictures of her on his computer with her two kids (but hadn’t saved the one with her husband). She’s very attractive. I told him I could understand one “hey, how’d you end up” email, but not 3 back and forth. I told him they are no longer high school kids…this is a married adult woman contacting a single adult man, and that can lead to nothing good to continue that. I am bothered that he saved her pictures, and not one with her husband. Again he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. Is this sharing of the computer information a valid start to recovery of the relationship, or do you think it’s just a thing to pacify me? He’s still on the honors system to report to me emails, texts and such to have “transparency,” so I’m not feeling like this is enough. He still doesn’t seem to “get it.” How do couples get to the point of transparency? Spy software? That still won’t solve the texting, phone calling problem because he has a company cell phone and I would never see the bills. He says he’s willing to do things to make me more comfortable with all the female communication, but I don’t know where to start. Also, we don’t live together so I’m not always around to see what mail he gets, etc.
   I believe in second chances, but I have been burned a few times already and don’t want to be a fool. I also don’t want to break up with an otherwise awesome man if he is reallly interested in fixing things but doesn’t know how. I noticed you mentioned immaturity as a reason….seems like a lot of this revolves around former classmates and people he met at concerts. I asked him why he hangs on to past connections and things from the past so hard that he’s willing to let a loving committed person in the here and now go. Is that because he’s emotionally immature maybe?
   You are amazing, love this site, and hope you know what a lifesaver you are. I hope you have a lot of pride and satisfaction for what you are doing for other women. You are truly a godsend in a world where so many of the dating advice sites try to tell you that you have to cater to the selfish needs of immature men (be that “cool” girlfriend who always meets his needs and never stresses him out with questions about where the relationship might go, etc.) Thank you for your insight!

6. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 19 July 2009:

   For everydaymatters — thanks for sharing your story! I’m sorry you’re unhappy in your marriage, and glad you’re seeing a counselor.

   Three years is a long time to be in counseling. Have you found it helpful? I’m a big fan of getting counseling — especially couples counseling when physical or emotional affairs are involved.

   I hope you find the courage to either leave your marriage or invite your husband into counseling with you, so you can rebuild your marriage.

   Also — your friend may not want you to know if he’s physically attracted to you, or if he wants to be more than friends. Maybe he doesn’t want to be a wedge in your marriage (though being so supportive to a married woman does cross a boundary).

   By the way, your story motivated me to write “How to Stop Cheating on Your Partner.” Here’s the link, in case you’re interested:

   http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/how-to-stop-cheating-on-your-partner/

   I wish you all the best, and hope you find the courage to make changes in your life!

   All best,
   Laurie

7. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 19 July 2009:

   Cindy, thank you so much for your kind words — you made my day!

   Regarding your question about transparency in relationships…that’s a tough one. On the one hand, you can’t be monitoring every email and text message that he gets. You’ll suffocate him, and you’ll feel like an overbearing, controlling mother bear or something. You can’t keep checking up on him — that’s too suspicious and distrustful.

   I don’t think healthy, strong, committed relationships include spyware systems, because spying means you don’t trust someone. And, if you don’t trust your partner, you can’t have a strong, healthy relationship.

   Cindy, do you trust him? It sounds like he was genuninely repentant and seriously wants to work things out with you! Though I don’t know all the details and I don’t know what’s going on in his mind, I suggest you consider taking him at his word.

   If he understands that he needs to maintain distance from other women in order to build a strong relationship with you, then you might have to just trust him. Like you said, you can’t monitor his work email or what happens at his home — and you monitoring him isn’t part of a strong relationship, anyway.

   What do you think about that?

   Laurie

8. Comment by everydaymatters on 20 July 2009:

   Laurie,
   Thanks so much for your kind response. The counseling started out as “couples” or “marriage” counseling a few days after the one incident of physical abuse in our marriage. My husband blew up and stormed out twenty minutes into the third session and vowed never to return. I should have left him then since the counseling was a condition of my agreeing to stay with him. I have continued with the same counselor and do find it helpful. My husband has no idea that I am still seeing the counselor, even though his insurance is paying for it. During the three years that I have been in counseling, in addition to my marital problems, my father passed away and a I suddenly lost my job and had difficulty finding another one. The counselor has helped me work through those losses as well.
   I was pleasantly surprised to find that my post motivated you to write “How to Stop Cheating on Your Partner.” I hope that the article is helpful to others. You are right, I didn’t ask how to stop cheating on my husband because my friendship with this man is so important to me and to him as well and I have no intention of changing anything about it. The one thing that I want to change right now is being married because my husband is sucking the life out of me.

9. Comment by Kelly on 8 August 2009:

   I am a 26 year old female who is currently seperated from my husband after he found out about my emotional affair. When my husband and I started dating, I was the world to him – and he let me know it everyday either by word or by notes he would leave for me. At the time, I was finishing up college and he was an undercover narcotics officer. We always had a good time, however he would often get really intoxicated and do some pretty stupid things. But I thought we were young, and he would grow out of it.

   A few years later we were engaged, we bought a house and starting to plan our future. I had landed a full time job working in an ICU at a Children’s hospital and my husband was promoted to detective.
   He loved his job, and I was so happy for him. Except he was now becoming more involved with the job (late nights), the drinking was out of control (he would hardly ever tell me he was going out, and had female bartenders numbers in his phone), and finacially he was all over the place. Trying to talk to him or ask him questions just made him mad. And that was the last thing I wanted to do before our wedding, so I often would just keep quiet. I kept telling myself that after the wedding, things will be great.

   Well the wedding came and went, but things never got better. After a few nights of him going out and not telling me, a few drinking and driving incidents, the valentine’s day card with $$ in it so I could buy my own present, and the night that his parents had to pic him up from the bar because he was so drunk, and when he came home through the TV off the stand – I just about had it.

   Six months into the marriage, I had confided in a male friend (who had moved states away) the issues I was having with my husband. For me, it was knowing that I could talk to him and him not really knowing anyone I knew so I didn’t feel like I was airing my dirty laundry out for everyone to hear and judge. As would talk via email, he made me feel good about myself, and told me I didn’t deserve to be in a relationship like that. And I started to believe him. We would email back and forth often throughout the day, and at the time I really enjoyed it. Then the relationship started to turn into more emotions, and I went as far as telling him I loved him. After I did it, I felt horrible. I really didn’t mean it, but it was so nice having those things I longed for my husband to say that I got wrapped up. Almost immediately, I emailed him and told him that I loved him, but I was married, and although I am having issues with my husband, I couldn’t do this anymore. And that was that, I never talked to him again.

   I tried to improve my relationship with my husband – but it just wasn’t working. He had become so involved with working, that became his priority. I was often jealous of people taking him out to dinner, and young beautiful news reporters being “friends” with him so they can get the best news stories. I didn’t even get a card for our 1st anniversary (and we had talked about no gifts,just cards for our present)

   I had left my email open about a year after I had my “email relationship” and my husband found the last email I had wrote my friend. He confronted me on it, and I was completly honest with him. Telling him who he was, how it started, and my feeling around the situtation. We both cried and he swore he was going to try to be a better husband. About a month later, the politics of the police dept effected my husband from being transfered to the unit he wanted – which made him very angry. He then began to hate his job, and our house, and then he became very angry about the emails. He told me he tried to forget, but he can’t and he’s not sure if he wants to be married to me. We were fighting for almost a month when I caught him on the phone with another girl saying very inappropriate things. When I confronted him, he was very angry and told me it was none of my business and that she was “just a friend”. He also told me it was over between us, but then cried like a baby and told me I wasn’t suppose to hurt him like I did. I stayed, but after him going back to ignoring me I moved into my brothers.
   I had called him one morning because I had a pit on my stomach, and yet again he told me it was over. Hours later I had an email apologizing saying I was the love of his life and that he is sorry he told me it was over. And that he needs and want me as his wife. However, that happened over a week ago and we are still not together.
   I had started going to therapy when this all started happening – and to tell you the truth I never even knew what an emotional affair was until now. I am not the cheating type – and it actually shocked me that I ever crossed the line. My husband came to one session with me, but came with a chip on his shoulder and not wanting to put forth the effort. After he told me it was over for the 2nd time, he said he would try counseling one more time. However I am afraid he is going to end it with me there since he told his sister he made his final decision and he wants a divorce.
   I don’t want to end my marriage – I love my husband. And I know that the love we had in the beginning is a foundation I know we can re-build on. But I am starting to realize that he needs help before we can fix us. I am just afraid of him still telling me its over.
   Any advice on how I can make him stay with me? I admitted my wrong doings, but I want him to honeslty belive me when I say my feeling towards the other guy weren’t real.

10. Comment by Laurie PK on 9 August 2009:

    I’m sorry, Kelly, but I don’t have any advice for making your husband stay in your marriage. I don’t know if it’s possible to convince someone who wants to leave a marriage to stay….though I know some people say you can.

    Here’s the thing with making your husband stay in a marriage that he’s unhappy with: he hasn’t chosen it of his own volition, because he wants to. Even if you were successful in convincing him to stay, he’s not fully committed to your marriage. He might resent you, which could grow into bigger marriage problems down the road.

    Maybe the best thing to do right now is let him go. Give him freedom and space to get help, go to counseling, deal with his own issues. There’s nothing that makes a man (or woman) run faster than someone who is cloying, suffocating, or needy. Giving him the “hard sell” right now might make him run faster and farther away.

    So, I think I AM giving you advice on making your husband stay in your marriage! Step back, let him make his decision and live his life. That’s more attractive, loving, and appealing than pressuring him. He knows you want him back. He knows you want your marriage to work, and that you’re sorry about the emotional affair.

    You could even write him a letter that lets him go, in essence. Express your love, say you’ll still be there whenever he needs to talk, reassure him that you’re staying in your own counseling and that you’re willing to go to marriage counseling wtih him…and give him freedom.

    Ouch. But, it may be the healthiest thing you could do.

    Good luck, and let me know how it goes!

    Laurie

11. Comment by Everydaymatters on 9 August 2009:

    Kelly, I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this difficult time. Our stories have several similarities. I am also an ICU nurse, married to an alcoholic and am emotionally involved with a close male friend. I would like to ask you to take a step back and really look at the reason – the real reason – why you want your husband to stay in this marriage. I know that you love him, but sometimes love isn’t enough. It really doesn’t sound like either of you have been very happy. As nurses, we tend to want to “fix” the people in our lives who have problems. Even if your husband decides to stay in the marriage, please don’t think that you can change or fix him… he’s the only person who can do that. Please, ask yourself if you are willing to live the rest of your life with a husband who drinks too much, mismanages money, makes the effort to cohort with “beautiful news reporters” and have dinner with others, yet can’t even buy you a gift or a card? I’ve been in a situation similar to yours for 18 years and believe me, this is no way to live. I have wasted so many years… I think about all of the opportunities for a “life” that I have missed out on. Even though it may not be right, I can certainly understand why each of us turned to someone else. Don’t beat yourself up because of it. It’s over… forgive yourself.

    I wish you much success with counseling and great happiness in your life – with or without your husband.

    ~Everydaymatters

12. Comment by Kelly on 10 August 2009:

    Thanks for your response.

    Although its hard to hear – I actually have been trying to let him go. I wrote him a letter telling him I was leaving about 2 weeks ago, however he happened to come home during me moving out. He didn’t want me to leave, so I stayed, but when he went right back to ignoring me, I left 2 days later. He then ended up telling me over the phone that it was over between us. He told me he needed me in his life, and still wanted to be friends. I told him I couldn’t do that, that it would be too hard for me. After arguing for 3 hours, I told him I had to go and not to contact me after this. A few hours later he realized he made a wrong decision and wrote me an email apologizing that it was over, that he needed and wanted me as his wife. And asked me to forgive him that he said that. He also said he would give counseling another chance (he only went once before and said he would never go back)

    It’s been almost 2 weeks since that has happened, and I am continuing to live at my brothers house. I went to talk to his sister, and she can kind of understand why I did what I did. She knows that I am sorry for hurting her brother and also sees that her brother needs help himself. However, she had emailed me a few days ago saying when she had talked to him – he told her it was over and that was his decision.

    Since then, I have seen him twice, and both times he told me he was coming to counseling and would be open minded about what the therapist has to say.

    We also hung out last night – he had told me before that we have to work on our friendship again and to build the trust back. So I inititated us hanging out – even if it was just watching tv. We both wanted to fool around – but we learned from past experiences that this wasn’t the best option for us right now.

    I am confused on why he would tell his sister it was over, but tell me he wanted to go to counseling and would be open minded about what the therapist would say.

    We go to counseling tomorrow and I must say I am scared to death with what he will say.

    Did I mention our 2 year anniversary is next week

13. Comment by brian on 12 January 2010:

    I don’t know what to do next. I am 45 and love my wife and kids. I can honestly say that i have been in love with my wife since the day i met her. A couple of week ago i was going thru my cell phn bill and noticed a charge of 35.00 for texting. I don’t have texting because i believe in voice communication. Anyway, i was angry & called the cell phn company they told me how to look at the detail of the texts. I found that my wifes phn had exchanged a total of 280 text messages with the number of a man i know. I could not believe my eyes. I had come to appreciate this man so much, he has taken our son camping and i trusted him wholeheartedly. I confronted my wife with the bill and she said it’s harmless, just texts to say good morning or hello. I went over the texts and it would be fine if it was one or two a day and if they were working together and it was job related or a project at church. But it’s none of the above. On the days the text messages were exchanged there are an average of 10 to 14 a day. On some days i counted as much as 37, 32, 28 20 and so on. They are as early as 7 am and as late as 11 pm. She has told me that i’m crazy and insane to think of this man in a negative way. I also found an excahnge of emails. He emailed her initially and said good morning. She responded by asking: “is this person BrightEyes”? He emailed her back asking her to ask him questions about him that only he would know. She asked about him and he responded, then she said she wanted to remain friends with him even though i was upset with the amount of the bill due to excessive texting. My heart feels like it’s been stepped on and feel that i am no longer in love , I love her but it’s not the same. I want to know so many things about what happened and why she has a nickname for this man. I want to ask her about the contents of the messages but feel she will lie about it because when i asked her about the emails she lied to my face and said i was going crazy. When i asked her about “bright eyes” then she knew i was aware of everything. She then said she needed to go out for a walk. When she came back i asked her several times that i wanted to talk to her about what’s going on. I felt as though i was begging for her to love me. I am devastated but i’m an adult and need to worry about my kids and their future and can’t let this ruin my life. She said she was sorry a bunch of times but every time she said it she will say that it was my fault that she needed to speak to another man during a time i was being horrible. I cannot for the life of me figure out when this horrible part happened. We just had an anniversary and i made a movie of our wedding pictures (mostly her pictures). I have told her jsut about every day that I am in love with her and actually think about her even when she’s next to me.She has truly been the owner of my heart for the last 28 yrs. You know, there’s a saying ” the person in the relationship who cares the least is the one with the power”. I feel as though she has the power. After all that has happened it seems that she is willing to just let it go. With all this info, do you think she was falling for this guy? During the past weeks i have truly come to understand if she has fallen out of love, it happens. It feels like this is just eating away the time i should be happy with my wife and kids. The last time i tried to speak to her she said she had already said ‘im sorry” and that i should forgive her and forget about it for my benefit. Since i first found out i have tried to speak to her about this 4 times. Every time she seems to step back and get defensive. I can’t continue to try to talk because i feel it just makes things worse. But i really need to tell her what i feel and how this has changed me. Am i wrong in asking about how she feelsabout this man? I want to know but at the same time i don’t want to regret knowing something that will only hurt me more.

14. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 15 January 2010:

    Dear Brian,

    I’m sorry to hear that your wife was emotionally involved with another man — that’s heartbreaking. It’s especially sad that she refuses to talk about it, because honesty can go far in reconnecting and saving your marriage.

    There’s no way I can say if she was falling for this guy, or why she was open to developing the relationship in the first place (which is perhaps more important).

    If you keep bringing him up and talking about the affair and her feelings, then you risk alienating her. And, you give her even more power. Instead, I suggest letting it go. I know that’s much easier said than done, and I know you haven’t brought it up constantly, but I think you need to start taking back your power in your marriage.

    You need to re-establish yourself as a healthy, happy, strong man. How do you do this? You could talk to a counselor, read books about overcoming emotional infidelity, read books about establishing a strong sense of self-identity apart from your marriage, and striving to live your best life. Not only will you feel better about yourself and your life, you’ll be MUCH more attractive to your wife!

    Remember that I don’t know all the nuances of your marriage and wife. The best way to get back on track is to talk to a counselor — either the two of you with a marriage counselor, or you alone with a therapist. You’re confused, hurt, and scared….and it’s hard to overcome those feelings without external support.

    Also — your wife may be confused, scared, and uncertain. She may not know why she was willing to engage in an emotional affair, and she may not know what to say to make things better.

    I wish you all the best as you work to save your marriage. Talk to a counselor; let me know how it goes.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

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