Breakup Advice – How to Stay Happy After Splitting Up
Splitting up with your boyfriend or girlfriend is hard – but you can let go and move on! This breakup advice includes tips for staying happy after splitting up. Trust me, you’ll feel healthier and better about life if you apply even one or two of these tips…
Before the tips, a quip:
“Relationships don’t last anymore,” said comedian Rita Rudner. “When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is, ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?’”
Here’s the first bit of breakup advice: don’t start your next relationship with the end in sight! Learn from your past relationships, but don’t let them drag you down. For more info about surviving heartbreak, click on Better Love Next Time: How the Relationship That Didn’t Last Can Lead You to the One That Will by JM Kearns. And, read on for tips on staying happy after splitting up…
Breakup Advice: How to Stay Happy After Splitting Up
1. Make a clean break. After you’ve broken up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, don’t talk on the phone, meet for coffee, or text each other. Even if you’re thinking of getting back together, make sure you take at least three months off. This breakup advice is about finding your self-identity again – figuring out who you are apart from your relationship.
2. Avoid the temptation to get revenge. Whether your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend cheated on you, borrowed money and didn’t pay it back, or stole your dog – resist the temptation to get revenge. Getting him back only prolongs your connection, and you need to move on in order to stay happy! “The best revenge is living well,” said someone.
3. Accept that he or she wasn’t “the one.” This breakup advice is so easy to give, and so difficult to accept! It’s hard to see that you split up for a reason, and it’s likely in your best interests to accept that the relationship is over and move on. Try listening to songs for broken hearts — they may help you heal.
4. Learn how to let go of someone you love. It’s inevitable: you have to learn to accept that you’ve lost someone or something you love without letting it cripple your emotions or make you bitter! In fact, letting go is something you’ll have to do more and more as you get older – and it only gets easier if you accept and even embrace it. To stay happy after splitting up, remember that everything in life is temporary.
5. Take control – you are powerful! This break up advice is effective for all painful things in life: you can’t change how you feel, but you can control what you focus on. Instead of focusing on your pain, grief, and loss – mourn it briefly, and then focus on other things. Do you want to stay happy after splitting up? Then think about the great things in your life, the people who love you, your hobbies, your pets, your job. If you don’t enough good things to focus on, consider a few life changes. Read Quips and Tips for Achieving Your Goals!
For more breakup advice, read 10 Tips for Surviving a Breakup. And, if you have any questions or tips on staying happy after splitting up, please comment below!
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Comment by Gini Grey on 4 July 2009:
Great advice – I particularly like the last two – letting go and taking control by owning your power. But you know me, Laurie, I can’t leave a comment without putting my spiritual spin on things so I would like to add another suggestion.
Looking at the relationship from the bigger spiritual perspective – I’ve seen how healing this can be for people when they get really centered within themselves (through meditation etc.) and look at the relationship from a soul perspective – what were the gifts, lessons, growth etc. and then look for why it is ending from a higher/bigger perspective (not a right/wrong or good/bad or success/failure dichotomy but from a place of acceptance).
When I help clients do this they often see that the relationship was meant to be for awhile and a purpose, and now is meant to end – that the two of them are not resonating any more so one of them had to end it so they could continue to grow and blossom. As soon as the person sees this, they can let go much easier and the sadness releases and acceptance and joy take its place.
Comment by Laurie PK on 5 July 2009:
Your spiritual spins are always welcome, Gini!
I wish I had your insight when I was nursing my broken heart(s). What a wonderful, healthy perspective that is — to accept that your time together was meant to end and you just can’t journey further together.
My favorite quip about relationships ending:
“One tear met another tear floating down the river. ‘I am the tear of the woman who lost her man,’ said the first tear. ‘I am the tear of the woman who found him,’” said the second. (unknown)
Unfortunately, when we’re in the midst of pain, heartache, other complicated emotions (fear, guilt, anger, frustration, sadness) we have a hard time seeing that there’s a REASON the relationship had to end. And it was a good reason!
And, the woman who is with or will be with our ex-partner may be crying, too….
Laurie
Comment by makai kennedy on 15 July 2009:
It’s been a month since the break up, I pleaded twice 4 her to give me a chance till I gave up. She keeps asking me why I am silent and she still texts me about things we used to do. Like we used to watch wedding shows together. This monday she emailed me that the last Sunday wedding show was the best she ever saw. I still love her. Should I let go or what should I do?? I feel confused
Comment by Laurie PK on 15 July 2009:
Makai, you and your ex-girlfriend are breaking the first rule of “how to stay happy after splitting up.” Making a clean break is key breakup advice — and it’s number one for a good reason!
It sounds like she doesn’t want to be in an intimate relationship with you, but she doesn’t want to totally let you go. She wants to be friends even though you’ve split up. She wants her cake (freedom from a committed relationship) and to eat it too (watching and discussing wedding shows).
You need to decide if you can be friends with her, with no expectation of getting back together. Most people do best with a clean break after a breakup….and you need to decide what is going to help you heal and move on.
My advice is to let her go. You tried to get back together, and she wasn’t into it. It’s over.
I’m sorry it worked out this way, and I encourage you to put your long-term happiness and health at the top of your priority list! It’ll hurt in short-term, but you’ll be glad in the long run.
Good luck,
Laurie
Comment by Tommy on 2 August 2009:
I have found online dating to be a wonderful way to find people I would not have otherwise come in contact with. I have not been able to meet a lot of woman at my job because I am in a male dominated line of work, and I just do not work with women in my industry. Bars and nightclubs haven’t worked out to well because they are loud places, and it’s hard to compete in places like that. Not to mention the sleepyness the following day. A friend turned me on to online dating, and I have found the selection to be much larger, and the singles to be higher quality.
I think for over worked singles, there is nothing better than internet dating. Just my 2 cents…
Comment by Wilbetro on 3 September 2009:
This was a great article.
Thanks
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 4 September 2009:
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Tommy and Wibetro.
I agree about online dating; it’s a good way to meet new people. But, I think you have to be careful about rebound love and infatuation. It can be easy to fall into the temptation of being with someone new just to get over your ex….and that’s not always what’s best in the long run.
Comment by A Jamir on 27 September 2009:
Hi,
I’m in love with a guy who’s 6 yrs younger than me…we broke up as he was lying down with a girl holding her shoulder…i really love him but can’t digest the way he did in front of me! now all the blame goes to me as his Mum thinks I’m persuading me…He’s telling me that he still loves me and kept on inquiring about me to my frens which tempts me to go back to him…I’m so confused and dunno what to do…please help!
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 27 September 2009:
Well, A Jamir, it’s difficult to give breakup advice without knowing the particulars….but one way to figure out if you should get back together with him is to write out the pros and cons. If you have a journal — or just any old writing paper — write down your reasons for breaking up with him, the reasons you think you should stay away, and your reasons for getting back together.
And, above all, listen to YOUR gut and head! Don’t get caught up in what your friends or parents or anyone else’s ideas about what you should do. If you feel you can’t trust him, then you need to close that chapter of your life and move on. If you really feel you want to try the relationship again, then go for it…but it has to be your decision.
Perhaps you could take a break from him and from thinking about getting back together. Maybe take a month to just heal and think. Once you get some physical and emotional distance from him, you’ll be better able to think clearly and you’ll be less confused. Right now, you’re right in the middle of things…and that makes it hard to know what to do.
Please feel free to come back in a month and let me know how things are going!
Best wishes,
Laurie
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 27 September 2009:
Also — remember that you can love someone with all your heart, but know that he’s not good for you or you’re not good together. Love doesn’t heal all wounds, and love alone doesn’t make a healthy, strong relationship.
I think that’s some of the best breakup advice I was ever given: it takes more than love to build a marriage or healthy relationship.
Comment by nitan taylor on 14 November 2009:
I am still in love with a man who i’ve been with for more then 10 years. We have children together. We have been through thick and thin together. In the most recent years he has cheated and had children outside of our relationship. I know this is not what I want in a relationship but I choose to accept it and stay together anyway. A month ago he decided to end our relationship. I was devastated about his decision as well as the fact that upon ending his relationship with me he decided to move in with one of the women he cheated on me with. Since then he is still living with this woman and their 2 kids. He is also spending time at my home with our children on a daily basis. I am still in love with him and we even talk about marriage in the future. I say all this because I am soooo confused. I know this is not right but i don’t know how to let go. I’ve read all kinds of break up tips but none that speaks to breaking up when kids are involved. I don’t know how to cut my ties with him and at the same time its hard for me to maintain a parental relationship with him and not think about how much I still love and want him.
Can you please help me?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 16 November 2009:
Hi Nitan,
I’m sorry that your partner has ended your relationship…that’s very sad. It’s especially difficult when children are involved — and when you’re not ready to let go of your partner.
I haven’t written any articles on relationship breakups when children are involved, but I’ll dig around in my books and other resources for ways to help you. Give me a day or two, and I’ll try to come up with some helpful advice!
In the meantime, you need to accept that — and I’m sorry to say this — this will be a difficult, long process of letting go. You’ll probably always love him, which is normal when you’ve been together for so long.
Also, remember that he’s not the best man for you. He cheated on you, he has other children outside your marriage, and he left you! It’s hard to accept right now, but…you’re better off without a partner like that.
In the next day or two, I’ll write an article about relationship breakups when children are involved, and post the link here.
Take care,
Laurie
Comment by stewart on 12 December 2009:
Its been 4 months since i broke up with my ex, i adored the girl and am still in love with her. we split up as she cheated on me, i was willing to forgive but she ended it saying it wasnt fair on me to continue. we both started new relationships, but she came back to me and i ended mine to be with her again. after trying to go back to her she said it was no longer what she wanted and she is now in a relationship and is happy with a new guy. she still texts me however saying how she misses me and the things we did. i want her back so bad and it seems a reachable goal as she says she misses me but i cant help feeling like im insurance for her if her new relationship doesnt work. the fact of the matter is i still love her and want her after 4 months of being apart and of being with different people. i just dont know what to do for my own sanity.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 13 December 2009:
Hi Stewart,
I’m sorry — you adored your exgirlfriend and she turned out to be so fickle! And, I agree with you: I think she is using you as insurance in case her current relationship doesn’t work out.
To save your sanity, I encourage you to let her go completely. No text messages, no phone calls, no being friends on Facebook or Twitter….just time and space to heal. Tell her that it’s too difficult to be friends, and that you need some distance so you can start to move on.
It won’t be easy, but I believe this is the best thing you could do. It’ll be painful in the short run, but far better for you in the long run! Splitting up is never easy…I have no breakup advice that will make you feel happy again. But, if you get a little distance from her, you’ll start to heal.
One day you WILL love again and laugh again and feel great about life again! That day will come sooner if you let her go now.
I wish you all the best, and I’m sorry you’re going through this breakup.
Laurie