7 Ways to Tell if Your Marriage is Over
Has your marriage hit rock bottom? Here are seven ways to tell if your marriage is over – but take heart! Just because one stage of your marriage is over, doesn’t mean you’ve reached the absolute end of the line.
“In my work doing marriage coaching, I have noticed that very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom,” says marriage coach Mort Fertel. “It’s not until they’ve been through the worst that things start to get better.”
For help with your marriage, click Marriage Fitness: 4 Steps to Building & Maintaining Phenomenal Love by Mort Fertel. And, read on for seven ways to tell if your marriage is over…
7 Ways to Tell if Your Marriage is Over
Remember our marriage coach’s words: just because you’re struggling with problems in your marriage, doesn’t mean your marriage is headed for divorce court! The following problems may represent the end of one stage or chapter of your marriage….and may herald the beginning of a new, healthier stage of your relationship.
1. Your partner can’t see reality. If your partner doesn’t understand how his actions are affecting you – and even worse, refuses to compromise – then your marriage will be hard rebuild. To rise from rock bottom, both partners have to see how their actions or inactions are affecting the marriage – and both partners have to be willing to work on it. If your spouse refuses to accept responsibility, then you have to decide if you want to stay in your marriage the way it is…or end it.
2. Your partner sees reality, but doesn’t care. You can communicate until you’re blue in the face, but if your partner doesn’t care how you feel or whether the relationship is healthy, then your marriage may be over. Marriage coach Mort Fertel says, “Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that they don’t care what their spouse thinks or feels. They “got it,” but “it” doesn’t matter to them anymore.” Communication is secondary to caring.
3. You don’t connect with your spouse. When you first got married, you probably felt understood, heard, and connected with your partner. Time passes, and the stress of daily life and kids and jobs and money and house all take a toll…and you find that you’re not connecting anymore. This doesn’t mean your marriage is over – it just means you need to make the time and effort to reconnect. Read 10 Ways to Improve a Bad Relationship for tips on improving your marriage.
4. You have different visions of your future. He wants a four million dollar home on oceanfront property; you want to live in a cottage in the country. He wants six children; you’d rather be childfree. He wants his mom and aunt to live with you in his four million dollar home; you can barely tolerate Christmas dinner together. To keep your marriage together, you need to agree on your vision as a couple or family – and put each other first (and your financial goals, parents, or careers second).
5. You’re not physically intimate. This may not be a sure way to tell if your marriage is over — it depends on your physical and mental health – but if you have no love life to speak of, then you probably aren’t connecting on an intimate emotional and physical level. The less you connect, the less healthy your relationship is.
6. You fight “wrong.” If you can’t focus on the topic of your argument, opting instead to bring up past mistakes or reopen old wounds, then your marriage may be leaning towards “over.” The more past conflicts come into current arguments, the less healthy your marriage is. This may not be a strong way to tell your marriage is over, because it’s actually fairly easily fixed. Read 11 Tips for Fighting Fair in Marriage.
7. You partner cheats on you. Many couples survive marital infidelity, and even have a stronger bond because of the cheating. Other couples split up right away, while other marriage limp along for years or decades…and the cheating partner remains unfaithful. Cheating in and of itself isn’t necessarily a way to tell if your marriage is over…it’s how the partners act after the infidelity that determines if they’ll stay together.
If you have any thoughts or questions on these ways to tell if your marriage is over, I welcome your comments below…
Comment by Vanessa on 31 July 2009:
I know my marriage is in trouble. My probem is letting go. I have read 7 ways to tell if you marriage is over. My marriage appears to fall in most of he 7 ways.
My husband is having an affair sexual or emotional, I’m not sure, ethier way it hurts. He says that he and the woman are only friends. He things he does makes this hard to believe. We have been married 34 years and until last year I thought he loved me, but the past year has proven he doesn’t.
My problem is he will not leave, I would like for him to stay, but he continues to break my heart with no disreguard for my feelings. I know that if he leaves I will hurt, but also know that in the end I will feel better. I will not continue to be disrespected.
Why does he stay…he tells me he’s not in love with me. He recoiles
to my touch, there is n sex, he says I don’t ask him the right way and my touching him hurts him when I try to get him in the mood.
My life is Hell….What can I do.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 1 August 2009:
Vanessa, you can empower yourself by taking control of the situation! Since he won’t leave, then you’ll have to. It might be better for you to start fresh in a new place anyway, instead of staying in the old marriage home.
Start looking through the rentals, or ask if you can stay with a family member or friend until you get back on your feet. The sooner you start making plans and exploring new possibilities, the better you’ll feel. The more you start looking for solutions and ways to get out of your marriage, the stronger and happier you’ll be.
Call a local divorce attorney or social services agency, and get info on ending a marriage. Start taking steps that show both yourself and your husband that you’re serious about making a life change.
I wish you all the best…..and if you’d like me to gather information and write a “Steps to Leaving Your Husband” article, I’d be happy to. Just let me know!
Laurie
Comment by Kay on 8 October 2009:
yes, please write an article “Steps to Leaving your Husband” All 7 of these fit me too. I have gone back to school, I have backed off but it is hellish living “alone” but not being free.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 12 October 2009:
Hi Kay,
I just wrote an article called “How to Leave Your Husband” here on Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals, but now I’m not sure if it’s what you’re looking for. Now as I re-read your comment, I wonder if you’re looking for tips on rebuilding your life after a divorce?
Click the link below to go to the article, and if it’s not what you need, feel free to let me know.
How to Leave Your Husband
Best wishes,
Laurie
Comment by Janis G. on 9 December 2009:
To be honest,few years ago my marriage would fall into six out of these seven categories and it was very close to divorce. Im glad to say that even from such a bleak situation,me and my partner, still managed to turn things around.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 10 December 2009:
That’s great, Janis! I’m glad you and your partner turned your marriage around….I love hearing good news, so thank you for being here
Comment by Melanie on 10 January 2010:
I’m just 10 months married now and I am already in a very diffuclt situation. In the beginning our marriage was so nice and problem free. Suddenly my husband changed. He became very religious and I can’t fallow him the way he wants me. I am always thinking of leaving him but I just can’t!! As soon as he is starting to leave me the only soloution I see is to commit suicide. I know what to do, I know what is best for me. But I just can’t do it! I am really so helpless
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 12 January 2010:
Dear Melanie,
I wish you weren’t thinking that ending your life could be the answer. That’s definitely not the solution to marriage problems. Even divorce or separation is better than that!
Tell me why you think you can’t leave him, and why you feel so helpless and hopeless. And, give me three things in your life that make you feel empowered and in control (eg, your friends? family? work? internet? religion?).
Please don’t give up on life or your marriage…help is out there; you just have to have the faith, courage, and strength to find it!
I encourage you to answer the questions I’ve asked, here on Quips and Tips…
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Ellie on 12 January 2010:
Me and my husband were great to begin with now he just cannot be bothered with anything to do with me at all. He is all for our daughter and leaves me out completely. He is also sneaking out late at night. i still love him but this is hard to take. We have been together seven years and I’m only 26 I don’t wanna be a divorcee in my twenties!!!!! please help!!!!
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 13 January 2010:
Dear Ellie,
I’m sorry to hear about your husband, but I think that your current and future happiness is more important than whether or not you got a divorce when you were in your twenties!
Do you think your marriage is over? Is there anything you can do to save it? Is your husband interested in rebuilding your relationship? Can you talk to him about why he is acting that way?
You need to answer these questions — and consider talking to a counselor for help. Rebuilding a connection in marriage is definitely possible…but it takes both partners to work on it.
I’m sorry — I wish this wasn’t happening to you. But, it is…and you need to deal with it without fear or “I don’t wanna”.
I wish you all the best…
Laurie
Comment by Zoe on 28 January 2010:
I have been with my other half for 3 years and married for 16 months. The first year was fantastic, he was very loving, attentive, everything that a relationship is in it’s beginnings.
I took a 6 month planned job break in feb 08 which went horribly wrong because the country went into recession. Since then I have constantly been searching for a job and doing work to our house because we were planning to move as soon as financially viable.
The last 12 months, he has done nothing but constantly undermine, criticize and bemoan everything I do even though I am doing everything I can to get a job and the house sorted for sale. There is no affection, no sex life either.
example: he’ll come in from work and instantly start criticizing what I have been doing all day despite the fact he is clearly able to see what I have done been doing.
He tells me he doesn’t want sex because I do nothing all day, the house is a dump and it gets on his nerves despite the fact I do everything I can. This makes me feel like I am lower than something stuck to the bottom of his shoe.
We argue all the time for reasons like this and when we try talking and sorting things out I get the reply “yeah, whatever” every time I answer him.
I adore this man(I wouldn’t have married him otherwise) and really want this relationship to work but I do not know what to do. If we did separate, I’d be homeless and penniless. My mental health is getting worse( I have minor problems as a result of a head trauma several years ago, the compensation being the reason I left work, so he knows all about it) and no self esteem. I have already tried committing suicide once.
I really do not want a divorce, I want to make this work so much, as I said I really do love this man but I do not know what to do.
Please help me.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 29 January 2010:
Dear Zoe,
I think you should talk to a counselor as soon as possible! Whether it’s a couples counselor or a therapist just for you doesn’t matter — but you need to reach out for in-person support.
Your mental and emotional health won’t get better on its own, and your marriage won’t heal on its own, either! You need more help than I can give here.
Please call a distress or mental health line, a counselor, or a local social services organization. You CAN make your life and marriage better — and you can feel happy again! But, you need to take control of your situation, and reach out for help and support.
Will you call someone for help, and let me know how it goes? All you need to do is do a Google or other search for “help” and your city or community, and I’m sure a support number will come up. Even if it’s not the right number for you, call it anyway — they’ll be able to give you the number of someone who CAN help.
Blessings,
Laurie