5 Tips for Avoiding Rebound Love – Dating Advice
Are you in a new love relationship, but worried about rebound love and the past? Here are five tips for avoiding rebound love — it’s practical, reliable dating advice.
Before the tips, a quip:
“When you’re on the rebound, your new relationship isn’t about itself,” writes Kearns in Better Love Next Time. “It’s about the old one.”
Falling in love too fast, making rash decisions, and tolerating people and behavior that you wouldn’t normally are possible signs of a rebound relationship. For more info on surviving breakups and learning from past relationships, click on Better Love Next Time by J.M. Kearns. And, read on for five tips on avoiding rebound love…
5 Tips for Avoiding Rebound Love – Dating Advice
1. Make sure you’re not hiding from the past. Unhealthy rebound love happens when you use your new love possibility to run away from your past relationship. “We plunge into a new relationship, not because we are paying attention to the past, but to avoid listening to it,” writes Kearns in Better Love Next Time. “We use the new relationship as a distraction.” To avoid rebound love, make sure you’re not running from something that happened in your past relationship.
2. Deal with desperation. Many of us have dated people we have nothing in common with or who we don’t even like – and who may not even like us. Are you dating out of desperation? That’s a surefire way to create a rebound relationship. If your heart is still broken from a past relationship, make sure you’re healing (and healing from breakups is a process!). For help letting go, read 10 Tips for Surviving a Breakup.
3. Figure out what went wrong last time. To avoid rebound love, make sure you understand why your last relationship didn’t survive. Try to be honest and objective, and don’t make a hasty diagnosis. Kearns writes, “You misidentify the factors that made the last relationship sicken and die, and armed with that false vaccine, you set you to avoid the same infection in the future – and you walk right into it.”
4. Accept your role in your last relationship. Most broken relationships are caused by both partners – it’s rarely just one person who is to blame. Instead of blaming your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend for causing all the problems in the past, accept the role you played. This helps you avoid rebound relationships by increasing your health, self-confidence, and ability to relate to others.
5. Let go of the person you loved. This final tip for avoiding rebound love is about making sure you’re over your past relationship. Only you know if you’re over your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend, and only you know if you’re emotionally healthy and ready for a new love relationship. Listen to your heart, my friend. Deal with whatever you need to, before you embark on a new relationship. For help with this, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love.
One last quip:
“You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.” ~ Jonathan Carroll.
If you have questions or tips for avoiding rebound love, please comment below! And if you’re diving back into dating, read Dating Tips From a Relationship Expert.
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Comment by Dwayne on 13 September 2009:
I would like to ask a very personal question. Men sometimes have failed relationships for several reasons. I have one that is caused by my health. I have been dealing with some real issues in my life and now they have affected my s****l health. I am not sure if any woman will have anything to do with me or if I will ever be able to talk to another woman about my problems that I have to deal with when it comes to s*x. I love deeply, am emotional, loyal, and very respectful, can be intimate and still have the same desires as before, but the mechanics don’t work as well when I was younger. Do I talk about it or am I doomed to a life of lonliness with out someone to love and cherish. I am older, am age 51 and I don’t consider my life over yet, but as far as relationships I am not sure what to do or how to approach them. Even dating is scary because I do feel less of a man and do hear all the stories and ads on tv what women want. I just simply don’t think that I can ever find my love again. Am I lost?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 14 September 2009:
Hi Dwayne,
Thanks for sharing your life and being so real here! You sound like an authentic, honest person — and both women and men respect that.
I don’t think you should let your issues and health affect the possibility that you could enter into a healthy, loving, fulfilling, satisfying relationship! The mechanics not working the same way they did when you were younger is something all men face, and most women expect.
I also think that if you believe that all women are like those ads on TV make us out to be, then you’re not only short changing women, you’re short changing yourself. Sure, those ads target a certain type of woman…and other ads target women who are incontinent, struggle with depression, or are dealing with menopausal issues.
My third thought is that you’ll get what you set yourself up for. If you believe that you’re less of a man and are doomed to a life of loneliness, then there you have it! But if you believe that there ARE sensitive, caring, happy, considerate, compassionate, smart women out there….and all you have to do is put yourself out there to meet them…then that’s what you’ll get.
Your health issues are secondary to your emotional and mental health issues. That is, the only thing stopping you from being in a healthy, happy relationship is your own attitude, self-perception, and self-judgements.
I suggest finding quality places to meet women — and doing things you enjoy. If, for instance, you like to hike or sail, then join a local hiking or sailing club. If you like to cook, take sushi making classes. If you’ve always wanted to write a book, join a writer’s club. If you’re spiritual, start going to church or synagogue or something that encourages relationships with that or He which is beyond yourself.
Regarding talking about it…I encourage you to talk one step at a time. Don’t put the cart before the horse, my friend! First, get out there and make some friends. Then, tackle the when’s, where’s, how’s, and why’s of confiding your health issues.
One last thing — don’t worry too much about dating yet. Just start meeting women in safe places (like those I mentioned). Then, coffee and dinner dates will in all likelihood arise naturally.
I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best! Do come back and let me know what you’re doing to meet new people
Laurie
Comment by Ana on 24 September 2009:
Hi I jus recently ended a relationship of one year and I’m not over the situation its self. How ever about two days before I ended the relationship I came in contact with someone I dated back when I was 15. I am now 24 and this person has been my friend since I was 15 and even after I broke up with them we remaind good friends. We recently began a s****l relationship and it hasn’t been more than a week after my last break up. I guess what I’m trying to say is should I put off the idea that this may be true love after beingfriends for 9 years or should I just focus on me and getting past my last relationship. I feel torn. I love spending time with this person and we are trully good friends we have made plans for a few weeks inadvance..he is a good man and I know him but not romantically. What should I do??
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 25 September 2009:
Hi Ana,
Since you said yourself that you’re not over your last relationship — and even if you DIDN’T say that, my answer would be the same — I think you should take a break from romantic emotional attachments until at least six months have passed.
Give yourself time to heal, to avoid the chance of rebound love. You can still be friends with him, enjoy his company, and do things together….but I suggest keeping it at the friends level until you’ve had time and space to process your last relationship.
Getting romantically involved again so soon doesn’t give you the chance to figure out what went wrong, what you’d do differently in a new love relationship, and what you’re looking for in a man. Jumping into a new romantic relationship now might set it up for breakdown, because it does seem like rebound love — and you might not be thinking as clearly as you will be in six months.
If you and your friend are meant to be together, you will be….you have to trust that it will work out the way it’s meant to. Six months may seem like a long time, but trust me…it will fly by. And, you’ll be glad you waited because you won’t have that “is this a rebound love relationship?” question hanging over your head the whole time.
That’s what I think!
Laurie
Comment by Melody on 25 October 2009:
we’ve been together for one year and a half. we got on wery well, understood each other, enjoyed spending time together. but he wants kids and i dont want. we knew we have to seperate and that he was looking for somebody else, but he wos insisting that we should keep the affair going iven then.. in the mean time he met somebody else wich is willing to have kids for him. although he says he likes and loves her, he is continues to sleep with me, and admits to enjoying s*x with me more but he says he does not love me he only likes me now. all i would like to know is: is he still in love with me?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 26 October 2009:
Hi Melody,
I’m sorry to say this — and I think you know what I’m going to say — but it doesn’t sound like he loves you! After all, he told you he doesn’t love you. He’s being honest with you, at least.
You need to figure out if you want to stay in this relationship with him. I don’t know if it’s rebound love or what, but he’s telling you that it won’t work for the long term, and he just wants to be intimate without regard for the future.
It’s up to you: is this the kind of relationship you want? If so, then enjoy it! If not, then you need to let go and start healing so you can love again.
Comment by Michelle on 4 December 2009:
So,
I have reconnected with someone from a school that I went to. When we were there, we liked each other but red each other wrong and in the end, he got a girlfriend and I left (not because of that).I was going through my facebook and I saw that he was single…I asked him and he told me why, but I never went into it. Since then, we have been talking and talking a lot…we are also moving fast…we both want this to work very much but we don’t want this to be the “rebound” since he has just gotten out of his 13 month relationship over a month ago…but we can’t seem to stop going fast .I like him a lot and he likes me a lot and we want it to work out. So, I guess my question is….what can i do to make sure that he knows that this will not be a rebound and that it can work?
thanks
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 6 December 2009:
Hi Michelle,
Thanks for sharing this piece of your life here; I’m glad you reconnected with him. There’s something special about old friends from school…
About rebound love, I don’t think you can do anything to reassure him beyond a shadow of a doubt that this isn’t rebound love. He has to come to this realization on his own — you can’t convince him of something that you don’t even know is true! That is, he only had a month of being single…I don’t know if he’s rebounding and either does he or anyone else.
All you can do is take things slow and make sure he has time to heal from his last relationship breakup. Only time will tell if he’s ready for a new relationship, which is why you need to take things slow.
You say you can’t stop moving fast — but that’s not true. You CAN slow things down — you just don’t want to because it’s romantic and fun and exciting and special and passionate
I get it, but moving fast doesn’t give you the time or space you BOTH need to see if this is the right person for you.
How are you and he moving fast? And, what can you do to slow things down? I encourage you to use your brain — not just your heart — and really think about taking it one small step at a time. You can still fall in love and be happy and passionate….and in fact taking it slow makes the relationship MORE happy, passionate, fun, and endearing! And, you’ll feel confident that you’re doing the right thing.
I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best in this relationship.
Laurie
Comment by Cathy on 23 December 2009:
Thanks for sharing this