Letting Go of Guilt Over a Pet’s Death – Help for Sad Pet Owners
Saying good-bye to your beloved dog or cat can be suprisingly difficult - and it’s even worse if you feel guilty about your pet’s death! This help for sad pet owners comes is based on my response to a reader, who asked for help dealing with guilty feelings after his dog died.
“If there is a heaven, it’s certain our animals are to be there,” says Pam Brown. “Their lives become so interwoven with our own, it would take more than an archangel to detangle them.”
Even though your dog or cat is no longer here with you, your lives and souls are still entangled. For help healing from the heartache of pet loss, read Goodbye, Friend: Healing Wisdom for Anyone Who Has Ever Lost a Pet
Letting Go of Guilt Over a Pet’s Death – Help for Sad Pet Owners
Remember that it’s normal to feel guilty when your dog or cat dies. Whether your guilt is real or imagined, know that it is a normal grief reaction. Even the most “innocent” of pet owners feel guilty about the death of their dog or cat. I cringe when I recall how angry I was at my beloved cat, Zoey, for scratching the basement door (I didn’t realize the door to her litter box was shut tight, and she couldn’t get in). That was over 12 years ago, and I still feel guilty! Some pet owners feel guilty about their cat or dog’s death – or how they treated the pet while alive.
Identify “real” guilt about your pet’s death. Real guilt may spring from your feelings that you neglected your dog or cat’s annual vaccinations, daily food intake, exercise habits, and “quality time” with you. If you’re struggling with real guilt, remember that you had reasons for doing what you did. The stress of money, work, kids, marriage, and daily life may have taken precedence over how you treated your pet. Maybe you didn’t make the best choices. Letting go of guilt over your pet’s death involves accepting that you wish you would’ve done things differently — and talking this through with your family, friends, or loved ones.
Remember what you did right — because you did a lot right! Your dog or cat loved you beyond all reason – so you must have done something right. How did you love and take care of your pet? Balance your real guilt with the real ways you loved your pet. You took good care of your dog or cat in many ways; don’t wave that away. Coping with pet loss isn’t just about mourning; it’s about cherishing the best parts of your life with your dog or cat.
Identify “imagined” guilt about the loss of your dog or cat. Not recognizing that your Yorkie, cockapoo, or Siamese cat was ill doesn’t mean that you weren’t paying attention or taking good care of him or her! This is imagined guilt. Animals can’t always communicate their physical health; pet owners can’t see inside their bodies and brains. If you’re dealing with imagined guilt because of your animal’s death, remember that sometimes illness or disease overcomes our dogs, cats, and other beloved pets…and there’s nothing we can do. This loss of control is a very painful — but real — part of life.
If you have any thoughts on letting go of guilt over a pet’s death, please comment below…
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Comment by Julie on 24 July 2009:
My daughter and son-in-law are so heart broken. Myself included.
I don’t know how to help them.
My sister has a large backyard and when we have been there their dog (5years old) loves it.
They left the dog there for the day and my sister decided to walk him. Within 1/2 hours the dog had breathing problems and 1/2 hour later the dog died on the way to the vet.
Such guilt as to not know the heat may have been responsible and to have it happen at my sisters house.
No one is talking to each other now. The loss has truly been devastating. How can they all get over the guilt of this wonderful dog dying. My daughters husband won’t talk about it.
Comment by Laurie PK on 25 July 2009:
Julie, I’m so sorry for your loss. Coping with feelings of guilt makes mourning your dog’s death so much harder — and it can damage your family relationships, as you’re learning.
I’m afraid there’s not much you can do, other than to reassure your family members that they weren’t responsible. It was an accident, and your sister would never have deliberately neglected or harmed the dog.
It’s so sad, and it will take time for your daughter, son-in-law, and sister to heal. Your son-in-law may not be ready to talk about it now, but hopefully can open up to your daughter in a couple of weeks. Ignoring his feelings of loss, anger, and guilt won’t help him heal — but nobody can force him to talk! He may just need time and space to work through his grief.
I suggest giving your daughter and your sister some resources on dealing with a pet’s death — and dealing with the guilt of it. Keep telling them that it wasn’t their fault, it was a terrble accident, and they can’t get involved in blaming each other.
And, give them time to recuperate. It might take months or even years to be on good terms again…but unfortunately, that’s normal. Pet loss is a huge blow, and people take it really hard. If other people are involved, it does complicate grief and relationships.
My condolences, Julie, and I hope your family heals soon from this loss.
Laurie
Comment by Julie on 26 July 2009:
Dear Laurie,
Thank you so much for your response. The kids are removing “Louis’”
things from their home today.
I myself have been greatly affected by this tragedy.
It will be so hard to imagine their home without this wonderful dog.
Regards,
Julie
Comment by Kirk on 8 September 2009:
I rescued my dog at age 6 in 2006 and he was an amazing loyal friend. Unfortunately I had to put my much loved dog down yesterday. It turns out he had cancer in the kidneys but by the time he showed signs of pain on late Sunday afternoon it was to late. I am now trying to deal with the guilt of what if i knew sooner could i have changed his fate, wishing i spent more quality time with him in his last few days but instead i was working (as i had no idea his days were coming to an end), wishing i didnt get angry at him for digging the garden on his last day at home, wishing id let him sleep on the bed two nights before he got sick when he wanted to etc. There are currently so many things going through my head and I am trying to think of all the great things i did for him in his time with me rather than all the bad things but they are still there. However your article has helped and i thankyou for sharing it with us.
Kirk.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 9 September 2009:
Awwwww, Kirk…I’m so sorry that you’re going through this regret, blame, and self-recrimination. I totally understand — my cat died more than 10 years ago, and I’m still beating myself up for getting mad at her for stuff.
Remember, you made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time. You’re human, and hindsight is always 20-20. You gave your dog a wonderful life, and he loved you for it. Now, he’s resting and gone — and you need to grieve. Your pain will eventually lessen…and you’ll remember him with joy and peace.
My condolences,
Laurie
Comment by Loo on 23 September 2009:
Hi, I am suffering from so much guilt. It has been tormenting me for months. All of the “If only I had…”’s in my mind. I just want to rewind time and do it all over again. Spend so much more time. I felt I pushed him away near the end and ignored him, perhaps because I knew what was coming. I knew we were going to put him down. So I think, looking back I started holding him at arm’s length in my mind. We wanted him to go a peaceful way and we didn’t want him to get so bad that he was suffering greatly. So we decided to let him go while he was still somewhat ok. Still in lots of pain though with his arthritis. =( What a horrible thing to have had happen, to push him away, I don’t know how it happened. Perhaps too much death in my family, I knew what was coming and I shut down and pushed him away. The guilt is just awful.
I just want to go and massage his little legs and love him up. And I can’t. He came to me in a dream the night he died and he was young, healthy, no arthritis and he was so happy and content. What a gift!! But still… the guilt tears my insides apart. I just want my little boo boo boy back.
Well, I can’t believe I wrote all that. I had originally just wanted to tell you that this article helped me. It really did.
Sorry to ramble so much.
Thanks again for what you said.
I hope it sinks in.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 September 2009:
Dear Loo,
Thank you for sharing your story — and I’m sorry that you’re going through these feelings of guilt. It’s so sad.
Hold on to the fact that YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD. Hindsight is always 20/20, which means we can always look back and see how we could’ve done things better. But, we have to forgive ourselves and accept that we did the best we could at the time.
The choice is yours: you can hold on to guilt, remorse, and pain….or you can cherish your beloved pet the way he was in your dream: happy, content, lively, and healthy. You can lift your own burden! Living in guilt and remorse doesn’t help anything, and it certainly can’t help your lost animal.
He’s in a better place, he’s not in pain, he’s healthy and happy. He’s forever the way he was in your dream….and that’s far better than being in pain here on earth.
Take care,
Laurie
Comment by Loo on 24 September 2009:
Laurie, Thank you for being so kind and supportive. What a lovely heart you have. You really have helped me to feel better. Your words were like a hug.
Thank you for that.
love,
Loo