4 Tips for Grieving Widows or Widowers
These four tips for grieving widows or widowers may help you mourn the loss of your partner. And, here’s how one widow coped with death after losing her husband after a six year battle with Parkinson’s Disease. She shares her own tips for healthy grieving…
When you’re mourning, remember:
“If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble,” said Moliere.
Accepting – and maybe even embracing – loss may be one of the healthiest ways to cope with death. For more tips for grieving widows and widowers, click on Widowed Too Soon: A Young Widow’s Journey Through Grief, Healing, and Spiritual Transformation by Laura Hirsch. And, read on for four tips for grieving widows, and how Kathleen Airdrie coped with the death of her husband.
My husband bravely, but with sadness, faced the truth of his fading good health and active life. He was a man who loved the outdoors, our canoe journeys on the rivers and lakes, and our gardens. A musician, he entertained at community events that included wedding receptions and charitable functions.
The diagnosis of Parkinson’s Disease was frightening because we knew that there was no cure. Throughout the following six years as his condition worsened we cried together often. Deprived of his balance, he couldn’t enjoy the canoe, and with the tremors increasing and his strength lessening, he could not play his fiddle. We faced it together, in our home, until pneumonia ended his life one cold February day.
After his death, a profound sense of loss overwhelmed me. Family members were helpful, but I had the terrible and terrifying feeling of being lost – away from myself. I could hear their voices, understand the actual words, but not really comprehend enough to participate in real conversations.
My meals were merely snacks; enough to sustain me. Sleep was fitful. While walking through my home in the semi darkness, I felt a strange comfort. During those awful, long days I tried to tend to daily tasks, but accomplished very little. The loneliness and pervading sense of loss weighed heavily on me.
A wonderful friend who truly listened to me and was supportive during my darkest days, shared my first ‘breakthrough’ moment with me. About three months after my husband’s death I told her that a family member reacted angrily to my response that I was just sort of coping. Raising her voice, she told me to ‘get over it’.
I told my friend about how that remark made me sad, but mostly angry, then suddenly realized that the spark of anger was something I’d not felt since my husband’s death. We saw that as a hopeful sign.
Winter faded into spring. I wandered down to the gardens where we spent so many wonderful hours. In one of our flower gardens that still held snow, a tiny blossom peeked through – a Johnny-Jump-Up. I smiled at the lovely example of survival.
While giving all of my attention and energies to the gardens that summer I gradually regained my physical and emotional strengths. I began to eat better meals and sleep through most nights. Sometimes I sat in the garden and cried then continued the work with my renewed sense of purpose. While walking through my gardens a friend commented, “I know how difficult this year has been for you. Your garden is your victory.”
From that day I knew that I would be all right, or as all right as possible under the circumstances. No longer a recluse as I was during those awful months, I became involved in a few community activities again and travelled occasionally to visit family members. Most importantly, I was taking care of myself.
Now, it’s not all sadness, it’s not all loneliness, it’s not all wonderful or humorous. It is a combination of all of those, as are most peoples’ lives.
Kathleen’s tips for grieving widows or widowers:
- Tell a family member or close friend what you need, whether it’s a good meal, a good listener or help with daily chores.
- Try to acknowledge the legitimacy of your feelings; be patient with yourself.
- While reminiscing with family members or friends, don’t let feelings of guilt intrude if you hear the sound of laughter from them or yourself
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Comment by Anna Acosta on 29 June 2009:
I have been dating a wonderful man for 6 months now. He has two beautiful children who lost their mother at the age of one and six years of age. It has been seven years since she has passed. He still continues to have her perfumes in their bathroom and pictures all over his house and office. Is this normal? Should I stay around?
Comment by Kathleen on 30 June 2009:
Hello Anna,
There is so much to consider in your situation. How is your relationship with the children? Is he ‘holding on’ because of their feelings, or his own? Perhaps it just hasn’t occurred to him that it’s OK to make changes.
I believe that open communication is extremely important in relationships. Perhaps, in a neutral location (not his home), when you believe that it’s appropriate, you could carefully approach the subject and talk it out with him.
I hope this is helpful.
Regards
Comment by Laurie PK on 30 June 2009:
Kathleen’s right: there is so much to consider!
I don’t think there is any “normal” when you’re dating a widower. Everyone deals with grief differently — and I wouldn’t recommend that you stop seeing him so quickly! The stuff he has around is less important than how well you get along, how you feel about him, and your relationship with his kids (and his with yours, if you have children).
My experience was similar: my husband had items left over from his previous relationship — and they bugged the heck out of me! (He wasn’t a widower, though). Furniture, dishes, books….he never got rid of them. I thought it was because he didn’t want to let go of the past, but I was wrong. He just didn’t bother to replace them with new stuff.
I agree with Kathleen, that it’d be good to talk to him about it. Is he holding on to those items for a reason? And of course, he’ll always have some pictures of her around…just not all over the place, I hope!
Also — are you the first person he’s dated since his wife passed away? That might matter. Perhaps he just hasn’t bothered to put her stuff away because there was no reason to…and he doesn’t realize that it affects you. You need to talk to him about that.
I hope this helps, and I’m curious what you think about our suggestions!
Best wishes,
Laurie
Comment by Anna Marie on 30 June 2009:
Kathleen and Laurie
Thank you so much for your suggestions! I do have children of my own and they have grown attached to him as well as I have. I am trying to work on the relationship I have with his children. I know it is very difficult for them to trust anyone to come into their lives. Yes, I am the first woman whom he has brought around his children and I have been the only person who has had a meaningful relationship with him and his children. At first his children were stand offish towards me. His 13 year old daughter saw me as a threat to her, she felt I was going to take all of her Daddy’s love away from her. I had a conversation with her and told her I would be a friend to her if she ever needed anyone to talk to. I would never try to replace her mother nor would I ever try to take her fathers love away from her. I told her I knew how much her father meant to her. Ever since we had this conversation she has opened up to me even more than ever. They are wonderful children! His resoning for having her perfume in his bathroom is because his daughter does not want to take it out of his bathroom. I told him to encourage her to put it her room or bathroom. To be honest with you it did not affect me at first, but now it is beginning to bother me because I feel it will hold our relationship back. I do not know? I will just take day by day and pray to Lord for his guidance.
Thank you!
Comment by Laurie PK on 1 July 2009:
I’m glad we could help, Anna Marie!
Grieving as a widow or widower is definitely complicated when children are involved — but it sounds like you have a great relationhip with his kids. The conversation you had with his daughter sounds healthy and honest.
I don’t think the perfume in the bathroom will hold your relationship back — unless you let it. For them, it’s been there for so long, they probably don’t even notice it anymore! But the perfume represents something different to you, which is affecting your relationships.
It’s only been 6 months….building strong, connected relationships takes time and sharing experiences together. And, if you do end up in a more serious relationship (getting married or living together), you might want to consider them moving out of that house, so you can all start fresh in a new place together. This may be jumping the gun, though!
Good luck and stay in touch,
Laurie
Comment by Anna Marie on 7 July 2009:
Laurie,
Just this past weekend, my boyfriend just dropped all of our plans for the 4th of July to go to Dallas to pick up his children because his 13 year old daughter did not want to fly back by herself. I understand that she was scared and he needed to go pick her up but why did he not come back on Friday morning? He left Thursday of last week and just got back on Sunday. I asked him to please come back on Friday so we can spend the 4th of July together and he said he couldn’t because his children wanted to stay in Dallas to go to the Rain Forest on Sunday for his son’s Birthday Lunch.
Yesterday, when I saw him for breakfast, he gave me a silver braclet with a Race for the Cure Ribbon on it. He said it reminded him of me. His wife died of Breast Cancer 7 years ago. When he gave it to me I said Thank you and told him it was beautiful! What else could I say? Inside it made me feel so sad that he would buy me something that reminded him of his wife. I do not have breast cancer and I am not a survivor! What should I do? Do I continue to stay in this relationship and continue to feel second? He says he loves me but it is hard for me to believe.
Comment by Kathleen on 7 July 2009:
Hello Anna Marie,
I can certainly understand your concerns.
Do the children live with you? How old is his son? How is your relationship with the children?
Is it possible that, as he has tried to fill the void in his children’s lives for seven years, he is determined to continue with that? The children may have a very strong need to hold on to the one parent they have, and he cannot or will not say no to them.
I’m a true believer in open communication. Could you ask him (carefully) about the decisions he made and decide together how such a situation would be handled in the future?
With regard to the bracelet, is it possible that as it’s for A Race for the Cure he made a contribution to the cause in memory of his wife, but also as a hope that the cure will be found and you will be well?
I know that I’ve offered more questions than answers, but sometimes when we’re in the middle of a dilemna we need to sit back and consider all aspects of the situation.
I wish you well, and hope this is helpful to you.
Regards,
Kathleen
Comment by Laurie PK on 7 July 2009:
Hmmm…interesting. Do you even want to be in this relationship, Anna? You’ve asked twice if you should stay, and I wonder if you’re looking for a reason to leave.
Ask yourself the question you’ve asked here: do YOU think you should stay in this relationship? And, if you think you should leave, are you leaving for the right reasons? (The wrong reason to leave is that you’re scared, or hiding from something, or are motivated by other unhealthy reasons).
It’s okay to leave a relationship that isn’t working for you. It’ll hurt you, and it’ll hurt other people…but it’s OKAY.
I like what Kathleen said about talking about your feelings. I’d explain how I feel about his not coming back when I wanted, and how I felt about the bracelet. Maybe he is fixated on his wife in an unhealthy way — I don’t know.
Are you being controlling? There’s a fine line between expressing your wishes to other people (having his wife’s perfume in the bathroom makes you uncomfortable)versus wanting them to do what you want (he should put the perfume away, he should come back when you want).
Please don’t take offense to anything I’m saying — and I’m not saying you ARE controlling. I’m just pointing out what I’m seeing. I could be totally off base.
In your previous comment, you mentioned praying to our Lord for guidance. Maybe you could sit down with your pastor, reverend, or Father and talk this through. If not a pastor, a couples counselor might also be helpful. Getting an objective perspective would help both you and your sweetheart see where things are going off the rails.
What do you think?
Laurie
Comment by Valerie Reilly on 22 September 2009:
my relationship, 9 months with a widower i adored, even loved. he loved me, he didn’t, he could, he couldn’t. i will. i won’t. i’m so patient, loving, accepting. but finally, i felt like i was in a threesome. like i wasn’t deserving of love. only she could get that.
he would decline invitations, blame it on his kids, etc. and one day said he wasn’t treating me well bec. he realized, with his therapist, that being in a loving and committed relationship would me he was accepting her death, and he didn’t want to give up her ghost. i said she is gone, and whether or not he is with me or home watching t.v., she is gone. i always accepted their love, but i am a person, and i have to be treated well, or else i will be gone, too.
about a minute later i got a bad feeling in my stomach, and I wrote to him, and said:
“i’ll make it easier for you. you can have the ghost. i’m gone.”
it was almost a painful relief. i don’t want to be made to feel unworthy. so, if you are in a relationship with a widow, or widower, and it is not about YOU….i think that means it’s time to move on.
boo hoo. and i thought he was special. he is. but not now, or not for me.
Val
Comment by Barbara on 2 February 2010:
I’m still grieving my husband that passed on 9/11. I’m remarried to a wonderful man, but I don’t think I allowed myself to grieve my first husband properly, well I know I didnt, because it would just hurt too much. Now its affecting my marriage and my husband always says things like do you love me as much as him, etc. Its frustrating and I’m depressed. I’ve made so many poor choices because I think deep down I didnt deserve to be happy. And I’ve tried talking to him, but I think he just wants a happy wife because he treats me so well. I try to tell him its not about him, its just something I cant help. What do I do. Its made me angry toward my now husband and resentful. Why cant I just have my own feelings?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 4 February 2010:
Dear Barbara,
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re still grieving your husband, and that he passed on 9/11. That’s heartbreaking…and not something anyone can easily get over.
It sounds like your new husband loves you very much; you’re a lucky woman to have found all that love in one lifetime! He cares for you and wants you to be happy…and you’re an insightful, self-aware woman to recognize that you may not want to be happy, deep down.
I encourage you to talk to a grief counselor about how to mourn your lost husband, and how to be happy in your remarriage. You CAN resolve your grief and learn to enjoy this stage of life…but I think you need support that your husband, friends, or family can’t give you.
Please call a therapist or psychologist, and start taking care of yourself and your marriage! Let me know how it goes…
I wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie