A reader wrote in that his girlfriend is gaining weight, and it’s affecting her self-image and their love for each other. He needs relationship help, and he’s not alone: as North America gets chubbier, many partners wonder how they can help their overweight partners.

Here’s a brief excerpt of this reader’s question, which he posted on my Ask a Question page:

“I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for about six months, and I am absolutely in love with her. …since we met, she has gained 25 pounds. I’m concerned about the long term effects of her weight and of her weight gain. It affects her self image, her attitude, and our intimate life. Yet, when I try to talk to her about it, no matter how kind and caring and sweet I am, she gets defensive. …I am thinking about changing our relationship. Is there anything that I can do to help her…or do I need to decide whether to stay or go?”

To read my direct response to him, go to the Ask a Question page. Below are a few things to think about if your partner is overweight and you’re wondering how to help. Remember that talking about weight gain and weight loss is a very touchy subject! To improve your communication skills, click Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work.

My Girlfriend is Gaining Weight – What Should I Do?

Don’t push your partner to lose weight. I lost a lot of weight since I got married four years ago (most married couples gain weight after the wedding, not lose it!). In 8 Best Ways to Lose Weight – Healthy Eating Tips, I explain how my husband’s eating habits helped me slim down – and stay slim. An important thing to know is that he didn’t “do” anything to encourage me to lose weight. He didn’t think I needed to lose weight, and didn’t even realize how my weight loss occurred until I wrote the article. If you push your girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse to lose weight, you may drive a wedge in your relationship.

Decide if you want to be with her through thick and thin. Some boyfriends don’t care if their girlfriends are overweight, while other boyfriends prefer slim women. It’s the same with women with overweight boyfriends: some women want slim men, while others love their partners no matter how much they weigh. This is a personal choice – just like being attracted to someone who has a fair complexion or short legs. Of course, you don’t want to rule out possible partners who have dark complexions or long legs…but you also need to be true to your preferences.

Weigh her as a whole woman, not just a number on the scale. You need to remember the qualities that are far more important than a person’s weight: her values, personality, how she treats others, who she is at heart, what she’s contributing to the world, and her connection with you. Your partner’s weight gain should be secondary to what really matters – who she is on the inside and how you relate as a couple. If you love her with your whole heart, then you’ll stand by her.

Question your own motives. Why do you want your partner to lose weight? Are you worried about what your friends and family will think? Do you think your reputation will suffer if you have an overweight girlfriend? Those are shallow reasons for wanting your girlfriend to lose weight because they’re appearance-based, and centered on what other people think. But, it’s different if you want your partner to lose weight so you can go skiing, hiking, trekking, and biking together. In that case, her weight gain directly affects your life together, which makes it a valid concern. Another unselfish reason to want her to stop gaining weight is that you’re worried about her present and future health.

If you want me to write an article that contains tips for helping your partner lose weight, I’d be happy to; just let me know in the comments section below.

If you don’t want to stay with a partner who is overweight, read How to Break Up With Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend.

And, if you have any thoughts or questions about partners who gain weight and are becoming less attractive, please comment below…

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