I’m sorry to hear about your brother — that’s very difficult for you and your family to cope with.

You need to call a local help line or social services organization, and get both legal and emotional support. Your brother has been allowed to live like this all his life, and making changes at age 50 will take alot of effort and determination on everyone’s part!

I strongly encourage you to call a local alcoholics anonymous or addictions counseling organization. You need to figure out your brother’s options, financial situation, and so on — but not to the extent that you get him a job! But, there needs to be some separation between him and your father, especially as your father ages.

Call a help line, and find out what resources exist in your area — for both your father and your brother. You will have to exert that “tough love”, which means protecting your family and ultimately helping your brother (though it may not feel like you’re helping him!).

I wish you all the best,
Laurie

Help!

I’m sorry to hear of your brother’s struggle with alcoholism — and you’re right: moving back in with an alcoholic girlfriend put him right back where he started with the bottle.

It sounds like the best solution is for them to get on with their separate lives, and I think that convincing them (your brother, especially) of this is the best option. This is why people pay each other off in movies — a concerned dad will give an unsavory boyfriend several thousand dollars (or more) to leave his daughter alone, because he thinks that’s the best thing for her! Of course, I’m not suggesting you “pay off” your brother’s girlfriend. But, I think it’s smart to find a way to make her want to leave. I don’t know what this reason for leaving would be….but if your brother is too weak or kind to kick her out of the house, then she needs to be the one to make the decision. And, it doesn’t sound like she’ll go on her own.

Forcing her out of the house and “banning” them from seeing each other may have the opposite effect — you may drive them together by saying they’re better off staying apart (the old Romeo and Juliet thing). Plus, you won’t be able to monitor their activities or plans to see each other.

But, if that’s the only option you can see, then…maybe it’s your last-ditch effort to help your brother get back on his feet.

I suggest talking to the social worker at that or another hospital. Social workers often know of resources and organizations in the community that can offer help. You might also call your local Alcoholics Anonymous organization, who might put you in touch with people who have coped with similar situations. Putting your brother and his girlfriend in touch with AA might be helpful. The more healthy, supportive people they have surrounding them, the better!

I also think that sometimes we just have to let our siblings go. We can’t control the paths their lives take, no matter how much we care about them — and no matter what alcohol or other addictions are doing to their lives. As painful as it is to see, he is an adult who is making the best choices he can, given his personality, past experiences, and perspective of his present situation and future. Perhaps he’s living the life he’s meant to live…and maybe nobody can stop things from unfolding the way they will.

Good luck with your brother — I hope he’s ready to stop drinking and start living a happy, healthy, fulfilled life!

Blessings,
Laurie

I’m sorry to hear about your brother — that’s too bad that he’s fallen off the wagon. An alcoholic family member can have negative effects on everyone in the family, as you well know.

I can’t tell you what you should do to help him, but I do think you should put your husband and kids before your brother and parents. I believe our spouses and children should come first, especially if our extended families (parents, siblings, etc) are harmful or negative influences.

If you decide to do the “tough love” thing and cut off contact until your brother is in a recovery program, then you have to expect that your parents will be hurt, confused, and possibly angry. I suggest giving them a book on coping with an alcoholic son — if you click on the “Sober Siblings” book in the above article, you’ll go to Amazon.com, where you can look for books for family members of alcoholics. Your parents may not understand enabling…they’re just loving their son as best as they know how.

I hope this helps, and wish you all the best as you figure out how to live with your brother. Please keep me posted — and I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

Blessings,
Laurie

Wow — congratulations on your “late life surprise”! That must have been a shock, to find yourself pregnant at 45

I’m so sorry about your mom…that’s a sad, difficult thing to live through. I can’t imagine. But, what a testimony to your courage and strength as a strong woman and a survivor, that you’ve gone on to have your own family and healthy life! Good for you.

Regarding your sister staying with you — and staying sober — you need to decide what the right thing is for your family first. Your husband and son’s needs and safety come before your sister’s. And, your decisions regarding how you can help her must NOT be based on how she helped you when you were a child. You can’t make decisions out of guilt, fear, or a sense of obligation. Rather, you need to find the balance between giving her sister the help she needs as she fights her alcoholism and other physical diseases…and taking good care of your family.

I guess the short answer is yes, I think you’re doing the right thing. If you let her stay with you while she’s drinking, then you’re enabling and helping her stay sick and get sicker.

You may have to show your love by telling her what you and your husband decided together — which is a very loving, supportive thing to do. Asking her to leave if she drinks is ALSO a loving, supportive thing because it shows that you care about her health and wellness.

I wish you all the best, Reba, and hope your sister stays sober.

Blessings,
Laurie

6 months ago my sister was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver and panreatis. She stopped drinking for about 4 weeks after being released from the hospital, now she is drinking again. The man she had been living with has had enough. She lives on the west coast, I live on the east coast. My husband has made an agreement with my sister that if she goes through rehab and sobers up she can come and live with us. I love my sister dearly, and probably would not have survived childhood without her. She saved my life the night my mom tried to set me on fire, yet I am worried about my son. I am a stay at home mom, but I am not sure how to cope with this situation. My husband says we need to support her while she is sober and help her to get the medical attention she needs, but one drink and she is out, no ifs ands or buts. Are we doing the right thing?

I think getting information from Alanon is a great idea (Pat had mentioned support groups, which made me think of Alanon). The Alanon experts have a tremendous amount of experience in coping with alchoholism in siblings and other family members, and can help you learn how to help your brother.

It’s important to remember that there’s only so much you can do. Even if you lived in the same state or house as him, you can’t force him to get help for alcoholism — and his wife knows this, which is why she’s given up! It might be good to suggest Alanon to her, or send or email her pamphlets or links. She’s not completely powerless, though she may feel like it. There are steps she can take to make your brother realize how destructive his drinking is.

It’s important that you know you’re not alone — and connecting in person or online with people who are struggling with the same issues with alcoholic siblings will help a great deal, I suspect. Google Alanon, and find out if there are any groups near you.

Best wishes,
Laurie

I’m the co-author of the Sober Siblings book. It’s tough when you’re far away from your sibling. I always defer to my co-author specialist for questions like this, but I do know that it’s important to be supportive and let the person know that you love him and care about him and that’s why you brought the subject up.

There’s a suggestion in the book about asking someone who says they don’t have a problem, “Well, what would it look like if you did have a problem?” If they say they may get a DUI for instance, and they do get one, that gives you the ability to bring it up again. Another expert calls this “carefrontation.”

You might talk to your siblings who live closer about talking to your brother individually. Sometimes experts say that’s more effective than having a formal intervention, although the latter is a possibility, too.

Finally, consider attending a support group to share with other people trying to handle this difficult situation, and suggest that your brother’s wife and your other siblings do so, too.

Good luck!