6 Ways to Help an Alcoholic Sibling
These six ways to help an alcoholic sibling can help if your brother or sister has a drinking problem. These tips for coping with an alcoholic family member are based on information from a book called Sober Siblings.
Before the tips, a quip from psychologist and author Mary Pipher:
“Maturity involves being honest and true to oneself, making decisions based on a conscious internal process, assuming responsibility for one’s decision, having healthy relationships with others and developing one’s own true gifts. It involves thinking about one’s environment and deciding what one will and won’t accept,” writes Piper in Reviving Ophelia.
If you’re struggling with what you should and shouldn’t accept from an alcoholic sibling, here’s help from Sober Siblings: How to Help Your Alcoholic Brother or Sister – and Not Lose Yourself, by Patricia Olsen and Petros Levounis. To learn more about alcoholic families, click the book cover…and read on for six ways to help an alcoholic sibling.
6 Ways to Help an Alcoholic Sibling
Every sibling and family is different – even if the trait of alcoholism is the same – but these general tips to help a brother or sister with a drinking problem can apply to most families.
1. Learn about your sibling’s perception of alcoholism. The more you understand about alcoholism and the way an alcoholic thinks about his or her disease, the better able you’ll be to help with the treatment process. “Whatever the reason your brother or sister became alcoholic, it’s helpful for a counselor to hear about your family dynamics in order to know what direction to take,” writes Dr Levounis in Sober Siblings.
2. Let go of personality differences. Personality issues may crop up, which may or may not be part of the disease of alcoholism. Separating personality differences from real issues that affect your alcoholic sibling may be part of the healing process for both of you. Read How Birth Order Affects Your Life to learn how siblings relate to each other — and themselves.
3. Stop enabling your alcoholic sibling. “Enabling” is allowing or encouraging your alcoholic brother or sister to continue their disease. Enabling an alcoholic includes covering up, providing alibis, minimizing the addiction, attempting to take control by throwing out the alcohol or drugs, and removing consequences (bailing him or her out of jail, or giving money).
4. Recognize what you’re doing. To stop enabling your alcoholic sibling, you need to recognize what you’re doing. “You have to realize that it not only doesn’t help your brother or sister but actually allows – even helps – him or her to continue drinking,” write Olsen and Levounis in Sober Siblings. “Sometimes it’s hard to know where to draw the line. No one’s perfect, and things are not always black and white. Allow yourself a few gray areas, for your own sanity.” In most alcoholic families, events and behaviors aren’t cut and dried.
5. Get informed about alcoholism treatment options. You can’t help an alcoholic sibling by forcing him or her to get treatment, but you can be well-informed about treatment options for drinking problems. If you’re in an alcoholic family, find out about the addiction treatment centers in your area.
6. Don’t be disappointed if your sibling relapses. “It’s natural to have hope for your brother or sister, but don’t be disappointed if she stops drinking and then starts again,” write Olsen and Levounis in Sober Siblings. “Relapse is not a sign of failure or weakness; it’s part of the disease, and often more than one stay in rehab is necessary if the person is to be successful.”
Read 8 Ways to Decrease Caregiver Stress for more tips on coping with stress in families.
If you have any questions or thoughts about helping an alcoholic sibling, please comment below…
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Comment by andrea on 7 August 2009:
I have a 54 year old brother, who lives in another state. He is a cancer survivor of 18 years, retired 2 yrs. ago from a very reputable government job, however, still works to support his family at another very good paying job. He has five siblings, including myself who are extremely concerned about his daily drinking of hard alcohol. He has gained weight, has an extended stomach, his face looks swollen….He was always a very handsome man, extremely intelligent and carries on with his life now as if nothing is wrong. His family has witnessed his inexcusable behavior… I have not because I have not been in his presence to experience the effects of his alcoholism. We talked on the phone where I have hinted the idea of his drinking too much. He is very good at denying and covering up everything. At this point, I am scared for my brother and I feel helpless in not doing anything about it. His wife is very passive and has learned to cope with it. She doesn’t confront him any longer as it has caused conflict and anger. Please suggest something that I can do to help.
Comment by Pat Olsen on 9 August 2009:
Hi there,
I’m the co-author of the Sober Siblings book. It’s tough when you’re far away from your sibling. I always defer to my co-author specialist for questions like this, but I do know that it’s important to be supportive and let the person know that you love him and care about him and that’s why you brought the subject up.
There’s a suggestion in the book about asking someone who says they don’t have a problem, “Well, what would it look like if you did have a problem?” If they say they may get a DUI for instance, and they do get one, that gives you the ability to bring it up again. Another expert calls this “carefrontation.”
You might talk to your siblings who live closer about talking to your brother individually. Sometimes experts say that’s more effective than having a formal intervention, although the latter is a possibility, too.
Finally, consider attending a support group to share with other people trying to handle this difficult situation, and suggest that your brother’s wife and your other siblings do so, too.
Good luck!
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 9 August 2009:
Andrea, I’m sorry for you and your brother — that’s such a tough situation.
I think getting information from Alanon is a great idea (Pat had mentioned support groups, which made me think of Alanon). The Alanon experts have a tremendous amount of experience in coping with alchoholism in siblings and other family members, and can help you learn how to help your brother.
It’s important to remember that there’s only so much you can do. Even if you lived in the same state or house as him, you can’t force him to get help for alcoholism — and his wife knows this, which is why she’s given up! It might be good to suggest Alanon to her, or send or email her pamphlets or links. She’s not completely powerless, though she may feel like it. There are steps she can take to make your brother realize how destructive his drinking is.
It’s important that you know you’re not alone — and connecting in person or online with people who are struggling with the same issues with alcoholic siblings will help a great deal, I suspect. Google Alanon, and find out if there are any groups near you.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Comment by Reba on 11 December 2009:
I am 50 years old with a little sister who is 44 and an alcoholic. Both of our parents were alcoholics, although we were only raised by our mother. I have always avoided alcohol like the plague, I NEVER wanted my children to go through what we did. I currently have an adult daughter and a late life surprise 5 year old.
6 months ago my sister was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver and panreatis. She stopped drinking for about 4 weeks after being released from the hospital, now she is drinking again. The man she had been living with has had enough. She lives on the west coast, I live on the east coast. My husband has made an agreement with my sister that if she goes through rehab and sobers up she can come and live with us. I love my sister dearly, and probably would not have survived childhood without her. She saved my life the night my mom tried to set me on fire, yet I am worried about my son. I am a stay at home mom, but I am not sure how to cope with this situation. My husband says we need to support her while she is sober and help her to get the medical attention she needs, but one drink and she is out, no ifs ands or buts. Are we doing the right thing?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 13 December 2009:
Reba,
Wow — congratulations on your “late life surprise”! That must have been a shock, to find yourself pregnant at 45
I’m so sorry about your mom…that’s a sad, difficult thing to live through. I can’t imagine. But, what a testimony to your courage and strength as a strong woman and a survivor, that you’ve gone on to have your own family and healthy life! Good for you.
Regarding your sister staying with you — and staying sober — you need to decide what the right thing is for your family first. Your husband and son’s needs and safety come before your sister’s. And, your decisions regarding how you can help her must NOT be based on how she helped you when you were a child. You can’t make decisions out of guilt, fear, or a sense of obligation. Rather, you need to find the balance between giving her sister the help she needs as she fights her alcoholism and other physical diseases…and taking good care of your family.
I guess the short answer is yes, I think you’re doing the right thing. If you let her stay with you while she’s drinking, then you’re enabling and helping her stay sick and get sicker.
You may have to show your love by telling her what you and your husband decided together — which is a very loving, supportive thing to do. Asking her to leave if she drinks is ALSO a loving, supportive thing because it shows that you care about her health and wellness.
I wish you all the best, Reba, and hope your sister stays sober.
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Shelley on 2 January 2010:
Dear Laurie: I have a brother who is a longh-term alcoholic; who, over two years ago had
succeeded @ the battle and was sober for about 10 yrs. So for over 3 years
his drinking is getting worse and worse. I have a husband and 2 teenage daughters; as well I am
the only daughter amongst 3 brothers; one of them that is the alcoholic
My husband wants me to cut him off from being
a part of our life until he gets into a program
to become sober. Needless to say the last 3 yrs
has not been good; he had drove drunk down our
Street, dropping in and behaving badly in front
of my children; passing out on our floors when my kids
are home and my husband is’nt home & I cannot pick
him up as I’m disabled. This went on & on. Are we doing the
right thing by cutting him off completely? My parents are BIG
“Enablers” & are not in agreenance with our decision
to stop all communications with my brother. Should we
Stand our ground & possibly also do a full
family Intervention? Thank you for your time
And advice. Mrs Shelley Hill
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 4 January 2010:
Dear Shelley,
I’m sorry to hear about your brother — that’s too bad that he’s fallen off the wagon. An alcoholic family member can have negative effects on everyone in the family, as you well know.
I can’t tell you what you should do to help him, but I do think you should put your husband and kids before your brother and parents. I believe our spouses and children should come first, especially if our extended families (parents, siblings, etc) are harmful or negative influences.
If you decide to do the “tough love” thing and cut off contact until your brother is in a recovery program, then you have to expect that your parents will be hurt, confused, and possibly angry. I suggest giving them a book on coping with an alcoholic son — if you click on the “Sober Siblings” book in the above article, you’ll go to Amazon.com, where you can look for books for family members of alcoholics. Your parents may not understand enabling…they’re just loving their son as best as they know how.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best as you figure out how to live with your brother. Please keep me posted — and I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by michael on 13 February 2010:
Hello,
For the last 3 years my 50 year old brother has gone from a heavy drinking (yet working) man to a raging alcoholic now retired with a decent pension. Just enough income to sustain a decending lifestyle. It has been exacebated by a 3 year relationship with another raging alcoholic, live-in (& unemployed) girlfriend. He is now in the hospital following a seizure that was the result of some combination of the alcohol & long-standing hematomas that were from some unknown head trauma.
The detox has been brutal. The treatment for the hematomas is not yet fully determined. She is already now pre-planning for his blissful return home. I have tried to have as rational a conversation as possible to try to get her to understand that this is a life-and-death situation for him as well as a most needed opportunity for her to get help without the prior stated “dragging down” syndrome that each provides for one another. So far her responses are too vague & scattered to have much meaning or credence. She has no place to go. I believe it is unlikely that my naturally passive/aggressive brother would put her out regardless of his possible (short-lived?) sobriety even if he somehow does make it home anytime soon.
My other brother wants to take an aggressive tact & ban her from the hospital as well as try to get her out of his home. We both agree that this is the final effort that can be put forth for him. It is killing our mother and has had an untold profound effect on his pregnant daughter.
It is hard to be at all optimistic given the circumstances but I am trying to maintain some level of realistic sanity in all this chaos. I guess anyone with a even a degree of similar experience or some idea of a direction that could be sought, would be infinitely appreciated at this point.
thank you in advance for your concern and any possible help,
michael
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 14 February 2010:
Dear Michael,
I’m sorry to hear of your brother’s struggle with alcoholism — and you’re right: moving back in with an alcoholic girlfriend put him right back where he started with the bottle.
It sounds like the best solution is for them to get on with their separate lives, and I think that convincing them (your brother, especially) of this is the best option. This is why people pay each other off in movies — a concerned dad will give an unsavory boyfriend several thousand dollars (or more) to leave his daughter alone, because he thinks that’s the best thing for her! Of course, I’m not suggesting you “pay off” your brother’s girlfriend. But, I think it’s smart to find a way to make her want to leave. I don’t know what this reason for leaving would be….but if your brother is too weak or kind to kick her out of the house, then she needs to be the one to make the decision. And, it doesn’t sound like she’ll go on her own.
Forcing her out of the house and “banning” them from seeing each other may have the opposite effect — you may drive them together by saying they’re better off staying apart (the old Romeo and Juliet thing). Plus, you won’t be able to monitor their activities or plans to see each other.
But, if that’s the only option you can see, then…maybe it’s your last-ditch effort to help your brother get back on his feet.
I suggest talking to the social worker at that or another hospital. Social workers often know of resources and organizations in the community that can offer help. You might also call your local Alcoholics Anonymous organization, who might put you in touch with people who have coped with similar situations. Putting your brother and his girlfriend in touch with AA might be helpful. The more healthy, supportive people they have surrounding them, the better!
I also think that sometimes we just have to let our siblings go. We can’t control the paths their lives take, no matter how much we care about them — and no matter what alcohol or other addictions are doing to their lives. As painful as it is to see, he is an adult who is making the best choices he can, given his personality, past experiences, and perspective of his present situation and future. Perhaps he’s living the life he’s meant to live…and maybe nobody can stop things from unfolding the way they will.
Good luck with your brother — I hope he’s ready to stop drinking and start living a happy, healthy, fulfilled life!
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by DONALD W STEVENS on 9 March 2010:
My brother is a severe violent alcoholic.He has abused my parents for 32 years.They tolerated it and live in stress and fear.My mother has passed away.So that left just my father and my brother at home.He has never left home and he is at age 50.He does not have a job.He does not pay anything to live.He steals money from my father or threatens him to give it.After my mother passed he has been a dictator over my father.He has beaten him and abused him.My father can not run his affairs any longer so he has placed himself under my care.Now my brother is in panic mode and is demanding money.He has just recently stolen $540.00 from my father before i got him in my care.He went through it in 2 weeks of drinking.His body is a walking time bomb.He has never been to a doctor for anything.He looks in bad health.At the moment he still resides in my fathers home in which i have to sell or rent so it won’t be an extra expense on my fathers limited income.He needs help bad and he totally refuses to quit his drinking and possible drug use.I do not know what to do.He has no idea how to exist on his own or how to manage his life.
Help!
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 11 March 2010:
Dear Donald,
I’m sorry to hear about your brother — that’s very difficult for you and your family to cope with.
You need to call a local help line or social services organization, and get both legal and emotional support. Your brother has been allowed to live like this all his life, and making changes at age 50 will take alot of effort and determination on everyone’s part!
I strongly encourage you to call a local alcoholics anonymous or addictions counseling organization. You need to figure out your brother’s options, financial situation, and so on — but not to the extent that you get him a job! But, there needs to be some separation between him and your father, especially as your father ages.
Call a help line, and find out what resources exist in your area — for both your father and your brother. You will have to exert that “tough love”, which means protecting your family and ultimately helping your brother (though it may not feel like you’re helping him!).
I wish you all the best,
Laurie