Helping a grieving friend deal with death may be one of the most important things you do in your friendship. If you have a friend who is mourning a death, divorce, or any type of loss, you can’t make things better — but you can be with them as they cope.
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand,” said Henri Nouwen. “The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
Letting go of someone you love is the hardest thing in life…but it’s something everyone faces. For more detailed ways to help a friend mourn death or loss, click on the book cover of How to Help a Grieving Friend by Stephanie Grace Whitson. And, read on for five ways to help your grieving friend…
5 Ways to Help a Grieving Friend Deal With Death
Coping with grief is an individual process, but there are stages of grief that most people go through. Part of helping a grieving friend deal with death is accepting that the stages of grief are a natural part of the mourning process.
The stages of grief are disbelief, yearning, anger, depression and acceptance. These stages apply to a variety of losses, from
coping with a pet’s death to divorce. Research shows that the stages of grief last approximately six months; the grieving process usually lightens after that. When you’re supporting a grieving friend, remember that your role is to be a
friend (not a grief counselor or grief expert). You can’t solve every problem or make everything alright again.
1. Find practical ways to help. Help a grieving friend by bringing meals that freeze well and can be heated up in a few days or weeks. Offer to do laundry, grocery shopping, or errand running. If your friend has kids, volunteer to take them to sports practices or ballet lessons.
2. Stay connected. You may feel awkward and helpless when you have a grieving friend, but don’t let your own feelings of discomfort stop you from reaching out. Grief support – honoring your friend’s loss – is about calling on holidays or birthdays, or sending thoughtful cards. If you feel overwhelmed, find
ways to deal with caregiver stress.
3. Locate helpful resources. When your friend is dealing with death, he or she may not think to find grief support groups or grief counseling. Tactfully mention the bereavement counseling services nearby, or suggest grief support networks on the internet. You could even refer them to online articles, such as
4 Tips for Grieving Widows or Widowers.
4. Listen. Help a grieving friend by taking him or her out for coffee and offering to listen. Ask them to tell you all about the lost loved one. Coping with grief is more difficult when there’s nobody to talk to, so just listen.
5. Watch for unhealthy reactions. Keep an eye on your friend for unhealthy responses to death, such as physical signs of depression, extreme weight loss, or social isolation. If your friend really seems to be struggling through the mourning process, talk to a grief expert or contact a grief support group.
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Comment by CDM on 13 March 2009:
I’m a former reporter who just reunited with an old rock star friend from years back who, in his first email to me last week, explained that his devoted wife had had a stroke. He said that while he was building a good support network, she depended upon him for almost everything right now–they never had children, and her whole life had been his career and traveling with him on tour for most of that career.
I was moved by the first emails. He seemed on the one hand to be inviting me to hear his pain, and intimated that he had lots of time on his hands right now for “catching up,” too. But after the first few emails, I felt awkward. I lost my mother after a two year battle with several illnesses, so I know a little about what he’s going through, but I don’t want to patronize him. And I can’t tell from that emotional first email whether he needs me to write every few days just to see how he’s doing or whether it’d be better to carry on conversations that don’t touch upon the situation…men are just so hard to read!
Given how busy his life is aside from all that–he’ll be touring soon, and has to get ready for that, too– I’m not sure how much I should keep in touch, either. We’ve been apart for a long time, first of all. And he’s also…well, a rock star with all kinds of folks around him who could help him far more than I can. And yet…that first email was so personal and revealing about his state of mind that I feel he may have been asking, in his own stoic Nordic way, for me to hang in there with him. He has even offered to help me write a book, which I’ve begun to feel might be his way of making a connection that wouldn’t center on his caretaking issues. WHAT do you think of all this–what do I say when i write…and how often should I “check in?”
Comment by Laurie PK on 13 March 2009:
You definitely have a more unusual situation than “just” helping a grieving friend cope with illness or death! A rock star does have more people around him, and perhaps more opportunities to help him….but he’s still just a man dealing with his pain.
And, we all have different chemistry with different people. Your friend may be surrounded by people, sure, but does he connect with them? Can he be honest with them, and still rely on them to take care of his business? Sometimes we like to keep our work and personal lives separate — which could explain why your friend is opening up to you.
Though I can’t tell you what to say or how often to check in with him — you have to trust your instincts on that — I do think you should be as real as possible. If something he writes makes you think of your own mother’s illness and death, then speak up. If you want his help writing a book, go for it!
I just think you should be as “yourself” as possible, without getting hung up on what you should do, and what you think he needs. It’s so difficult to determine what another human being needs — half the time, we ourselves don’t even know what WE need!
So, tune in to your heart and listen to your gut. Check in with him naturally: when you think of him, if you hear news of his concerts, if you read something in the paper about strokes, etc.
I hope this helps — sorry I don’t have all the answers! Do let me know how things are going…..
Warm wishes,
Laurie
Comment by beauty on 2 July 2009:
I HAVE LOST MY LITTLE BOY, HIS NAME WAS VINCE I WAS THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO IN MY LIFE. I HAVE A GIRL WHO IS 4 YEARS OLD AND I LOVE HER. I CANT SLEEP AT NIGHT BECAUSE I SEE HIM ALL THE TIME. HE DIEd ON THE 5 JUNE 2009. AND THE ONLY WAY I SLEEP IS WHEN I DRINK. I CANT THINK OF LIVING WITH OUT HIM. HE WAS MY LITTLE ANGEl AND NOW HE’S GONE. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE I NEED HELP I WANT TO DRINK EVERYDAY TO FORGET ABOUT THE PAIN I AM FEELING. HE WAS SO SMALL AND NOW HE’S GONE I WANT HIM BACK IN MY LIFE. I NEED HIM AND I CANT GO ON WITH MY LIFE ANYMORE.PLZ HELP OR I WILL GO MAD OR TO THE AA
Comment by Laurie PK on 2 July 2009:
I am so sorry for your loss. There has to be no worse pain than losing your own child — it must feel like your heart has been ripped out of your body.
I wish I had the magic words to make your loss easier, but I don’t. I can’t imagine how much pain you’re in…..but I do know you’re not alone. I’ve met many sad, despairing parents who are grieving their children’s death over the years. It’s not something you ever get over.
To help through the worst of your pain (and the first year or two will be the worst!), I suggest:
- joining a parent grief support group, so you can talk to others in the same situation. You’ll find comfort and hope there.
- talking to a grief counselor on your own (apart from the grief support group). Learn how to deal with your pain, how to mourn without falling into a black pit of despair.
- remembering your daughter, who needs you to be her mother. Be sad with her and mourn with her — but play together, too! You need to let both the bitter and the sweet be in your life right now. Don’t let this tragic death have a long-term negative impact on her life.
- making sure you eat nutritious foods, get enough sleep, and walk for half an hour each day. When people mourn, they often let their health habits slide — and that’s a surefire way to feel even worse about your loss! (if that’s possible). Take care of your body, because a healthy strong body will help you through this terrible time.
- keep reaching out, like you did here. The more you express and write about your pain, the better you’ll feel.
- remember that your grief will come and go. There will be times that you’ll feel better, even happy….and those happy times will eventually outweigh the painful feelings you have now. Your grief is like a roller coaster, and you need to ride it out.
And, please read my article called “Mourning a Lost Child” on Suite101 — the comments at the end of the article are more important than the article itself! In the comments section, so many parents shared their stories of losing their children to accidents and illnesses. They may help you as you grieve by showing you that you’re not alone. Feel free to share there, as well.
http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/mourning_a_lost_child
Also, read Tips for Grieving Widows or Widowers here on Quips & Tip….it may not be much different than what I’ve said here, but it could help.
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/health-wellness/tips-for-grieving-widows-or-widowers/
Please do come back and let me know how you’re doing.
Warm wishes and many sad sympathies,
Laurie
Comment by Jean on 2 July 2009:
Beauty…
I totally understand. We lost our daughter to cancer when she was 5 after a year of chemo and a bone marrow transplant. And while I miss her every day, it does get better. The hole in your heart never goes away but there comes a time when it doesn’t hurt near as much.
All the advice above is great and I encourage you to follow some or all. Especially the finding a support group part.
And while it’s 100% natural to miss your son, you have a daughter who needs her mommy.
If you need someone to email for support, I’d be glad to help. I’m sure there’s some way to connect.
Comment by Elise on 2 July 2009:
To “beauty”,
There is another mother who’s blog I read who very recently lost her beautiful little girl. She writes openly and honestly about her loss and her grief. Some of the people who have commented on her blog have also lost children and loved ones. Perhaps if you look at some of her posts, you might not feel quite so alone. She certainly understands and shares your pain.
Her name is Heather Spohr, and the following is the link to her blog:
http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/
I am very sorry for your loss. I do think Laurie had some good suggestions, and I hope you will be able to summon the strength to try to utilize them. You need support and understandig at this time.
Comment by Laurie PK on 2 July 2009:
Beauty, if you would like to connect with Jean, please do let me know! I’d be happy to give her your email address or vice versa, and you can talk in private if you’d like.
Thanks for your comments, Jean. I’m sorry for your loss, but happy to hear that the pain and grief subsides a little.
A friend of mine just lost her 19 year old son to a car accident….heartbreaking.
Comment by Elise on 2 July 2009:
P.S. for “beauty”
I just wanted to add that a good first post on Heather’s blog for you to read is the one she wrote on June 30th titled “Solitary.” I think you may find that she puts words to some of your feelings and grief. Perhaps you will feel a bit less alone, and will know that there are people out there who really do understand your grief and loss.
Again, I am so very sorry for your loss.
Comment by Julz on 13 July 2009:
I have a close friend that lost his girlfriend suddenly a year ago. They have 2 young children together. When I am around him, he talks about her…but he talks mostly of the happy times, and I am very happy to be there for him and listen to him. He seems happy to have me there when I’m around. We text often so I can keep in touch and find out how he’s doing. When we text he is very negative about being happy again, his job, and his life in general. And sometimes he is so down that he pushes me away completely! He drinks a lot when he’s at home and I think he thinks too much about his past and his future and it really stresses him out. I worry about how his negativity and drinking may effect the children. I want so much to help him, but I just don’t know how to go about it without being pushy. I have talked to him about talking to a professional or his pastor or even mine, but he is very against that, and he believes he can help himself. I would love to get him and the children out of the house, so one…he won’t drink so much, and two…he doesn’t have so much time to think about all the negatives. Do you have any suggestions about what I can do to help? I really care about him, and I really want to help him!
Comment by Laurie PK on 13 July 2009:
The problem, Julz, is that it’s almost impossible to help someone who believes that he can help himself and who won’t accept outside support! He’s drowning in negativity, alcohol, and the past — and you can’t haul him out of ocean without his help. You know what it’s like trying to physically pick people up when they make themselves “dead weight”? Really hard.
The way I see it, there’s little you can do to help him from the grief perspective. I think you might need to go beyond the general options for helping grieving friends to something more serious.
Is he an alcoholic?
I suggest trying to help him from that perspective. I think he’s gone beyond “just” grieving to a more serious problem — and that requires different possible solutions.
If you’d like, I can write an article about helping alcoholic friends. I have written an article about helping an alcoholic sibling, but helping friends is different. Here’s the link to the article, in case you’re interested:
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/health-wellness/6-ways-to-help-an-alcoholic-sibling/
Let me know if you’d like me to round up some info on helping alcoholic friends, and I can post it within a day or two.
By the way, you’re being a great friend! Just don’t let yourself get caught up in being somebody or doing something that goes beyond friendship. That is, sometimes we have to let people go — even if they’re destroying themselves. We can’t save anybody; all we can do is offer a helping hand. If they don’t take it, I’m not sure if there’s anything else we can do.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Comment by Penny on 27 July 2009:
Hi there,
I really need some help, I live many miles away from a sister who lost her partner in a car accident she was also in the car at the time. I have tried to talk to her via phone make small talk but it doesn’t seem to work,
She has gone back to work as the accident was in April, she wants to leave NZ but at present cant afford it, She lives with my mother at the present as they where living with each other at the time of the accident they had talked about the future together, marriage, travel and buying a house together. She seems to be pushing mum away at present, wont talk or cuddle or anything like this, I have heard she is talking to a counselor.
What can I say over the phone or help understand what she is going through?
My sister was one of the most friendly outgoing bubbly people I know, now she has become withdrawn, very down all she wants to do is watch movies in her spare time.
How can I help her from my side of the world?
Thanks
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 28 July 2009:
Hi Penny,
I’m sorry to hear about your sister’s loss; that must be incredibly painful for her — and for you, living so far away from her.
I’m not sure there’s anything specific you can say to help her as she grieves. She needs to mourn, and most of us have to mourn in our own private, individual way. It’s great that she’s in counseling, because it shows that she’s probably facing and moving through her grief.
One thing you can do is talk about her partner. Many people are afraid to bring up lost relatives, spouses, children, or even pets for fear of upsetting the person who is grieving. But, I’ve heard many grieving people say they want to talk about their dear departed loved ones. They don’t want to forget.
So, I suggest you ask if she wants to talk about her partner. Tell her you’d love to sit and listen to everything and anything she wants to say about him.
Be honest with her. You don’t know how she feels, and you can’t fully understand what she’s going through because you haven’t experienced the same loss. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be there for her! Tell her you’re thinking of her, and you’re available whenever she needs to talk.
Finally, I suggest giving her space to withdraw and be take down time for herself. She needs to grieve — and grief is healthy. It’s sad and tragic and painful, but it’s healthy to mourn and cry and wail. I don’t know how long she “should” withdraw and watch movies for; it depends on her personality, her life, the people around her, her work. I don’t think there’s a set time or pattern for grieving (even the stages of grief aren’t fixed in stone, and they’re not tied to time periods).
One last thing — ask her what you can do for her. Ask her what she needs from you. She may not know right now, and that’s okay. Maybe she doesn’t need anything from you right now, and that’s okay too. But, keep in contact with her regularly, even if you feel like you’re not really connecting with her.
I hope this helps a bit, and I wish you all the best.
Laurie
Comment by CLS on 10 November 2009:
I lost my daughter 21 years ago…I only had her for three weeks and I can tell you this. You never get over it. She is always in my heart, but for three weeks in the fall, my life is hell. I relive every moment. Every song makes me cry, every baby too. I’m touchy as hell, and a certifiable whacko for those three weeks. Nobody can tell you how to deal with the pain of losing a child. Everyone is different. You deal with it however it works for you.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 11 November 2009:
Hi CLS,
Thanks for sharing this piece of your life…I’m so sorry you lost your daughter. Nothing compares to the pain of losing a child.
In sympathy,
Laurie
Comment by carol on 24 November 2009:
My daughter’s friend was in a serious car accident, she is critical. My daughter, Ashley, is very upset. There were counselors at the school today, but Ashley is having heart problems and a throat infection, so she wasn’t there. I want to help both my daughter and her finance deal with this but am not sure how. He lives with us too. My other daughter knows the injured person as well. I have suggested Ashley write her friend a letter to give to her later, but she doesn’t feel like it. Any more suggestions? One person in the car has died already.
Comment by carol on 24 November 2009:
By the way, the fiance lost his brother two years ago, we lost a son 9 years ago, I lost a brother 35 years ago (and still miss him-he was 3) and both my in-laws, so Ashley is familiar with loss. but this has hit her hard.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 27 November 2009:
Carol,
I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter’s experience…that’s so sad. And, their loss — her fiance’s lost brother, your lost son, your lost brother…it’s very tragic.
I think spending time with people who have experienced similar loss might be helpful. I know it helps me — my husband and I are coping with infertility, and I’m comforted when I spend time with other infertile couples. It just makes me feel like we’re not in this alone, that others are going through the same thing — and surviving.
So, I suggest your daughter join a bereavement support group. She may even want to talk to the counselor who was at the school; she might be able to make an appointment to see him or her independent of the school.
Also, make sure she stays healthy by eating the right foods and getting enough sleep. Dealing with anything in life — whether it’s a tragedy like this or something simple, like a lost set of keys — is much more difficult when we’re unhealthy, tired, or suffering from lack of sleep.
Finally, I suggest she do creative things to express her grief, such as writing, drawing, painting, scrapbooking, or playing an instrument. What she does to express her feelings depends on what she likes to do — for example, not everyone is comfortable writing. But if your daughter does like to write, you could buy her a special journal to record her memories of her friend, her letters to various people (including the person who died), and her feelings about mourning and loss. This may help her process the emotions, which will help her feel better in the long run.
As you know, time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it can lessen the pain. Your daughter’s pain will fade…and she will laugh and be happy again!
I wish you well.
Laurie
Comment by francinah on 11 January 2010:
my boyfriend lost his 10 year old daughter last year on the 4th of november 2009 in a car accident,and again in the same month on the 28th he lost his dad due to a stroke.the whole of this past december he was sometimes okay and sometimes down.and now he tells me that he is bitter towards life, he is actually kept busy during the week days by his work.but now he really seems to have lost interest completely in life. i really want to help him, but he doesnt talk about the two deaths. please help me!