5 Tips for Becoming More Assertive
These five tips for becoming more assertive aren’t just for women who need to stand up for themselves! If you have a hard time asking for what you want, these tips will help develop your self-confidence. Asking for what you want could be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do – and the most rewarding.
Before the tips, a quip:
“Exploit the remarkable power of asking. Telling can be perceived as bossy, dismissive, and patronizing,” writes P.M. Forni in The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude. “Asking is always validating. Someone is being hostile and rude? Ask what her or she suggests to bring about a satisfactory solution…When you favor asking over telling, the other person is less likely to become defensive and escalate a confrontation. Furthermore, you may come across innovative and smart solutions you wouldn’t have thought of yourself.”
For info on becoming more assertive, click What About Me, What Do I Want? Becoming Assertive by Barbara Small. And, read on for five tip on becoming more assertive.
5 Tips for Becoming More Assertive
If you have trouble saying no, read How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty.
1. Ask questions. Here’s what I say when I think my clients aren’t paying enough: ”X amount of cents per word seems a little low to me. Can we raise it to XX cents per word?” It’s a simple question, and they can say no if they want. I won’t lose the assignment – but I will gain a little self-respect. Asking for what you want clearly and honestly is a great tip for becoming more assertive!
2. Be clear about why you want it. Why do I want to earn more money? Because my articles need very little editing, I always turn them in on time or early, and I’m easy to work with. What do you want out of life — and why? Once you’re clear why you want it, you’ll be better able to express it.
3. Give reasons that support your wish. In my case, I’d say: “I’ve been writing for this magazine for almost two years, and have always turned in great work. I’m prompt and reliable. X amount of cents per word seems a little low to me. Can we raise it to XX cents per word?” A related tip for becoming more assertive is to practice saying or writing what you want. The more comfortable you are with your request, the more confident you’ll feel when the time comes.
4. Be realistic about your situation. If you have a teen who refuses to pick up his clothes or an overly “supportive” mother who calls you twice a day, then asking for what you want — no matter how assertive you are – may not be realistic. Or, maybe you’ve already asked a million times. Asking for what you want doesn’t work in every situation, just like gourmet chocolate ice cream isn’t comforting every time.
5. Expect to negotiate. Back to the “asking for a raise” example: if this magazine simply can’t afford to pay me more, then I may not get the rate that I really want. That’s fine. I’m happy to compromise – and having lived in Africa for three years, I’m adept at bartering! A “no” doesn’t mean the door is firmly shut. It just means you may have to negotiate a little, which is good for your brain and self-esteem!
For more tips on being assertive, read 9 Tips for Improving Communication Skills.
What do you think about these tips for becoming more assertive? I welcome your comments below…
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