Mar 122010
 
My Wife Has Cancer How Husbands Can Help Women With Cancer

Marc Silver, author of Breast Cancer Husband.

These tips for helping your wife cope with a cancer diagnosis are from two “breast cancer husbands.” One, Marc Silver, interviewed other husbands whose wives had breast cancer.

“Men have an irresistible urge to ‘fix things,’” says Silver, author of Breast Cancer Husband: How to Help Your Wife (and Yourself) During Diagnosis, Treatment and Beyond. “But as a caregiver you can’t ‘fix’ cancer or other diseases. Nor can you ‘fix’ other problems caused by aging.”

How can men – especially “fix it” guys and problem solvers – help their wives with breast cancer, dementia, or other illnesses? First, by reading all they can about cancer treatments, helping women fight cancer, and getting help with caregiving.

Here, two husbands share their experience of taking care of their wives with breast cancer – and offer ways husbands can help wives cope…

When Your Wife Has Cancer – A “How to” Guide for Husbands

Listen to your wife with both ears

Silver says the best thing to do for men who are caregivers is to “shut up and listen.” Pay attention to what your wife or loved one is asking for – and don’t assume you know better!

John W. Anderson, author of Stand by Her: A Breast Cancer Guide for Men, adds “You need to stop talking at her, or even with her. Just listen to her without trying to talk her out of her feelings or solve her problems. Mirror her mood.”

Anderson also encourages husbands to follow their wives’ lead (for example, if your wife just wants to sit and stare out the window, then sit quietly with her). “You, as her caregiver, need to be there to support her in any way you can.”

Think carefully before telling your wife how scared you are

“In the community of therapists, the bias is toward ‘self-disclosure,’” says Silver. “In other words, share your emotions. Don’t keep them inside. But many women told me that they wouldn’t have wanted to hear how scared their husbands were by the breast cancer diagnosis. My own wife said that if I’d told her how frightened I was (and I was pretty scared at the start), she’d have thought I knew something she didn’t know.”

Sometimes it can be a kindness for a guy to keep his feelings inside, or confide them to a very close friend. With time, his fear may lessen. And sometimes it’s perfectly fine for a guy to say, “I’m scared, too” — as long as he adds, “But you have wonderful doctors and I believe them when they say your odds for a successful treatment are good.”

Show your love with physical affection

If your wife likes affection, show her your love with kisses, caresses, hugs and hand squeezes. Your wife needs you to be there for her physically, to help her feel safe and protected.

“She might fear you – her husband – might consider leaving her,” says Anderson. “She’s deeply worried about what you’ll think about her physically, may be afraid you’ll think she’s damaged goods.”

Being physically affectionate and loving will help assuage her fears and make her feel beautiful again.

Go ahead…cry! It’s normal and healthy to feel sad if your wife has cancer

“I remember driving on the Sunday after my wife’s diagnosis of breast cancer, listening to Ray Charles on the radio,” says Silver. “Then I heard these weird noises – I couldn’t figure out for a second what was happening. It turned out it was the sound of my sobs. I was crying uncontrollably, driving to the hardware store.”

Silver says he interviewed many men for his book who also cried in their cars. It can be a safe place to express feelings openly and honestly. “A good cry can make you feel better,” he says. “It can decrease caregiver stress and relieve the tension of all those emotions building up inside.” So, husbands, start your engines – and your tear ducts.

Don’t be a “Lone Ranger”

Anderson recommends encouraging family and friends to rally around your wife to help her fight the disease. Don’t forget to get support for yourself, as well! Ways to support yourself include joining a cancer support group, learning how to help your kids cope with mom’s cancer, being aware of signs of caregiver burnout, and reading books and finding resources to help you cope as a “breast cancer husband.”

Talk about your struggles, your emotions, how you’re balancing your work and home lives. And, be open to considering hiring help for caregiving responsibilities. Husbands can be as good as – or better than – any other caregivers out there! But, no good caregiver can be supportive and helpful if he goes at it alone.

Husbands, if you need help taking care of your wives, read How to Hire a Caregiver – Tips for Family Members.

If you have any comments or questions about husbands helping women with cancer, please comment below…

About Me

quips tips love relationshipsI'm glad you're here! My name is Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen; my husband Bruce and I live in Vancouver, BC with our critters. We can't have kids, and are learning to accept whatever life brings - both good and bad. I have an MSW (Master of Social Work) from UBC, and degrees in Education and Psychology. I hope you say hello below - I can't give relationship advice, but writing can bring you clarity and insight.

  6 Responses to “When Your Wife Has Cancer – A “How to” Guide for Husbands”

  1. Ed,

    Thanks for your tips for men whose wives have breast cancer. It’s an awful thing to live through, for both husbands and wives…but it can bring you closer together. Breast cancer is a b***th, but it can change lives for the better!

  2. Helping my wife go through breast cancer was the hardest thing I think I’ve ever done. But you know what? You do whatever you need to do out of love! As written in the article, Listen! Don’t offer suggestions… listen. It’s ok to cry… but not in front of her! Don’t do it alone! Don’t be a Lone Ranger! You’ll learn quickly that you can’t do it all by yourself!

    I blogged my way through her battle… it was very theraputic for me. If anyone is interested, take a look at it… it may help!

    WhatARideBlog.Wordpress.com

  3. Thanks for your comments and tips. I don’t think breast self-exams can prevent cancer, but they can help us detect it early enough to make a big difference!

  4. I’m sorry to see that after 20 years I’VE been in health reporting our message is still not getting across to women like Olivia. Regular breast self-exams(BSE) are NOT enough…by the time you feel a lump it may already be too advanced. By all means, continue monthly BSE, but every woman 40 and up should have regular mammograms, younger if there’s a strong family history.

  5. Good info to have handy for friends when they have questions.

  6. We can always prevent cancer by regular self-breast exams.

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