Mother-in-Law Problems – How to Cope When She Doesn’t Like You
How Do You Cope With Mother-in-Law Problems?
What do you do when your mother-in-law doesn’t like you? These tips for mother-in-law problems are based on a reader’s question about her future mother-in-law…
“What do I do about my boyfriend’s parents, who don’t like or accept me?” She describes her situation in an email to me, and I’m answering her question here because I know she’s not the only one with toxic in-laws.
What do you do when your mother-in-law — future or present — doesn’t like or accept you?
Before my tips, a quip:
“More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” ~ Doug Larson.
If your mother-in-law problems seem insurmountable, remember that this is a relationship conflict that you and your partner need to work through together. This may be the worst problem you face – and it may help you build a better relationship and marriage!
If you’re married and have serious mother-in-law problems, read A Wife’s Guide to In-laws: How to Gain Your Husband’s Loyalty Without Killing His Parents.
And, here are my tips for coping with toxic mothers-in-law…
Mother-in-Law Problems – How to Cope When She Doesn’t Like You
Talk to your mother-in-law directly. Dial up your courage, take your boyfriend’s hand, and sit down with him and his parents. Describe how you feel excluded, rejected, and disliked by them. Ask if you’ve offended them. Basically, you’re asking what their problem is – in a gentle, nonjudgmental, open minded way. Ask for three reasons they’re not comfortable with you or your relationship with their son. The first reason or two they give are excuses; the third reason is the closest to the truth.
Don’t expect your mother-in-law to change — or your mother-in-law problems to be solved overnight. People can and do change, but it’s not realistic to stay in your relationship and expect your mother-in-law problems to suddenly disappear! Generally, toxic in-laws won’t do an about face and start welcoming you to their family gatherings. Be realistic, and expect a future similar to your present situation. If you’re not currently welcome at your in-laws’ family gatherings now, you can expect not be welcomed later.
Be kind and friendly, but not a sycophant. “Sychophant” is a fancy way of saying “suck up” or “toady.” My reader mentioned buying her boyfriend’s mother a Mother’s Day gift – this is a very sweet, kind thing to do. But her boyfriend later discouraged her from buying his mom a birthday gift because she didn’t appreciate or want the first gift. If your mother-in-law refuses to accept gifts or have you over for family events or holidays — or if you’ve done everything you can to cope with toxic in-laws — then don’t buy them gifts! Be polite, but don’t try to win them over. Sometimes the best way to cope with toxic in-laws is to leave them alone.
Don’t ask your partner to choose between you and his family – unless you’re married. This marriage tip applies to all relationships! Generally, it’s not a good idea to ask your boyfriend to choose between you and his parents. If you’re married, then your expectations of your husband and your mother-in-law is different. But, girlfriends who ask their boyfriends to make that choice may be causing more conflict than it’s worth. Coping with mother-in-law problems requires patience and wisdom.
Decide what you can live with in your love relationship. Are you happy in this relationship? Can you live with your partner’s parents or your mother-in-law not liking or accepting you? You need to decide if this is a small price to pay for your relationship and whether you can tolerate being excluded from or snubbed at family gatherings. After all, all love relationships have their own unique challenges! But if you are seriously upset or bothered by partner’s parents, and if it’s causing conflict in your relationship, then you need to decide what you can do about it. And, what you can do does not include changing your boyfriend or mother-in-law.
Remember that you can’t change anyone but yourself. Don’t ask – or expect – your boyfriend or his parents to act or think differently. After you express your feelings about how you’re being treated (or mistreated) and after you ask what you did to cause his parents to treat you this way, then you need to let go. You have to let them be who they are.
Your mother-in-law or toxic in-laws may not be able to accept you for who you are, but for your own peace of mind and soul, you have to accept them for who they are.
To learn more about coping with toxic in-laws, read 6 Tips for Toxic Relatives – How to Handle Family Problems.
Do you have a mother-in-law problems, or can you offer tips for coping with them? Comments welcome below…
Category: Family Tips, Love & Relationships
I don’t know what to do anymore.. I’m about to get marry in 2 days:0 and I have this sister in law that just keeps saying all this things about me.. That I’m cheating on her brother( my fiancé) when he goes to work then I call her to tell her everything.. She goes telling all his family all this things also she tells my mother in law… Now my mother in law believes her n even when I got my sister in law n my mother in law together. I asked my sister in law to tell me all the stuff she’s been saying to my face she started denying everything… Dat she haven’t said anything n at the end I was still the liar… They believe her even though I confronted her I know my fiancé side of the family is not gonna be in the wedding cuz they don’t like me at all cuz if her I never been in a situation like this n I don’t know what to do can some one give me an advice??? Plz
My bf and I have been together for a couple if years now things moved quite quickly abd I moved in with him,now we have a baby that’s 6months old.The problem us HIS MOTHER !!
My partner said when we first got together that he wasn’t really that close to his mum as he said they used to argue when he lived there and that it only marginally got better once he moved out,however,since I first met her I just felt she was v over powering and nosey and she always tried to make herself seem so nice and genuine that I knew it was the opposite regarding some of what she was really like and I know that she has spoken about me behind my back about lots of things.
The trouble is we live quite close to his family and his mothers side is a close and large family I feel like everything we do us told to the whole family or posted on Facebook !(I’m not exageratonv it actually is talked about with the family my baby gets passed around like a parcel when we are all together and I dread any event I need to attend where I will need to go with my baby.my partner doesn’t seem to understand why I’m so annoyed but it’s caused many arguments as she always calls and asks him everything about our baby,what we have been doing,etc etc down to fine detail!she even sent me a text recently saying she wasn’t happy about the fact we were renovating not to her speed liking as she thought our baby was suffering for it !the way she gies about things is manipulative though and I really am now finding it so hard to even be around her.I hate the way she disregards me when we take our baby round as she completely takes over and she acts like it’s a major offence if u want to hold your own child whilst visiting them.it’s honestly driving me mad..also the other thing that bothers me is the constant comparisonsaxd by her between myself and my baby and get niece and hers as our babies are the sane age,I feel like moving so far away and not telling her where we are but my partner doesn’t understand and I do feel bad as I know he’s stuck in the middle he’s close to his family as I am with mine but my family totally respect us I just wish whenever she asked him he wouldn’t tell her everything or she wouldn’t ask I just want her to stay out if our lives as I honestly don’t feel at ease ever knowing she might want to see her grandchild since my baby has been born it’s so bad I just want a break !it’s getting me so far down..if anyone can relate or help in a positive way pls do I’m not over reacting this family is too much and his mother is a nightmare it’s seriously affecting our relationship now pls help !
First of all I feel when you marry a husband the relationship is between GOD the husband and wife yes you marry into the famiy but by no means is anyone obligated to have contact if there’s such a dislike for a spouse then the hubby or the wife should keep their relationship with there spouse between the two under no circumstances should the spouse of either side tolerate disrespect from a family member to their spouse it should be addressed if inlaws have a problem they should stay away especially if when they come to visit or call they are disrespecting a spouse a spouse is first regardless Of who doesn’t likes it When you marry you are one no longer two meaning if thigs have to get done financially it comes from both spouses why should a spouse help a family member out when they are getting disrespected so much it’s crazy and to all the controlling inlaws they need to back off it may be your child first no one is taking that away but the fact that the adult child chooses to marry doesn’t give their family the right to meddle and be disrespectful its sad and people need to be very careful about how they treat people it’s also very selfish if you love s yur child you would want to see them happy. And the same goes for the spouse to not divide any family members unless they are being disrespectful then boudares have to be set and followed.
Caityn,
I met my husband many years ago, and I married him. The mother in law did not like me, still does not like me, she has given all sorts of made up stories, and altered the truth. When we had our first child she informed my huabnd that he shold get a blood test to see if the child was in fact his child. SHe had no grounds for saying such a thing. I dont know what to tell you to do, but speaking from experience, judge things for yourself. I had no one to talk to and it was hurtful. Good Luck.L
I also want to say, over the years she has really not wanted to have anything to do with us, and she has no reason. She is just cold and mean spirited. I also realze it was not their to do anything to support us. But whenever thye have needed us to be of support, we have been there even with all the drama.But ML called my husband offered to assist when he was ill and out of work. It was after she collected lots of information about his situation, then she refused to do anything! SHe is a confusing woman.