How to Cope With a Mother-in-Law Who Doesn’t Like You
What Do You Do When Your Husband's Mom is Mean?
What do you do when your mother-in-law doesn’t like you – or is just plain mean? These tips for toxic in-laws are based on a reader’s question about her future mother-in-law…
“What do I do about my boyfriend’s parents, who don’t like or accept me?” She describes her situation on my Quips and Tips – Ask a Question page, and I’m answering her question here because I know she’s not the only one with toxic in-laws.
What do you do when your mother-in-law — future or present — doesn’t like or accept you?
Before my tips, a quip:
“More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” ~ Doug Larson.
If your mother-in-law problems seem insurmountable, remember that this is a relationship conflict that you and your partner need to work through together. This may be the worst problem you face – and it may help you build a better relationship and marriage!
If you’re married and have serious mother-in-law problems, read Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage.
And, here are my tips for coping with toxic mothers-in-law…
How to Cope With a Mother-in-Law Who Doesn’t Like You
Talk to your mother-in-law directly. Dial up your courage, take your boyfriend’s hand, and sit down with him and his parents. Describe how you feel excluded, rejected, and disliked by them. Ask if you’ve offended them. Basically, you’re asking what their problem is – in a gentle, nonjudgmental, open minded way. Ask for three reasons they’re not comfortable with you or your relationship with their son. The first reason or two they give are excuses; the third reason is the closest to the truth.
Don’t expect your mother-in-law to change — or your mother-in-law problems to be solved overnight. People can and do change, but it’s not realistic to stay in your relationship and expect your mother-in-law problems to suddenly disappear! Generally, toxic in-laws won’t do an about face and start welcoming you to their family gatherings. Be realistic, and expect a future similar to your present situation. If you’re not currently welcome at your in-laws’ family gatherings now, you can expect not be welcomed later.
Be kind and friendly, but not a sycophant. “Sychophant” is a fancy way of saying “suck up” or “toady.” My reader mentioned buying her boyfriend’s mother a Mother’s Day gift – this is a very sweet, kind thing to do. But her boyfriend later discouraged her from buying his mom a birthday gift because she didn’t appreciate or want the first gift. If your mother-in-law refuses to accept gifts or have you over for family events or holidays — or if you’ve done everything you can to cope with toxic in-laws — then don’t buy them gifts! Be polite, but don’t try to win them over. Sometimes the best way to cope with toxic in-laws is to leave them alone.
Don’t ask your partner to choose between you and his family – unless you’re married. This marriage tip applies to all relationships! Generally, it’s not a good idea to ask your boyfriend to choose between you and his parents. If you’re married, then your expectations of your husband and your mother-in-law is different. But, girlfriends who ask their boyfriends to make that choice may be causing more conflict than it’s worth. Coping with mother-in-law problems requires patience and wisdom.
Decide what you can live with in your love relationship. Are you happy in this relationship? Can you live with your partner’s parents or your mother-in-law not liking or accepting you? You need to decide if this is a small price to pay for your relationship and whether you can tolerate being excluded from or snubbed at family gatherings. After all, all love relationships have their own unique challenges! But if you are seriously upset or bothered by partner’s parents, and if it’s causing conflict in your relationship, then you need to decide what you can do about it. And, what you can do does not include changing your boyfriend or mother-in-law.
Remember that you can’t change anyone but yourself. Don’t ask – or expect – your boyfriend or his parents to act or think differently. After you express your feelings about how you’re being treated (or mistreated) and after you ask what you did to cause his parents to treat you this way, then you need to let go. You have to let them be who they are.
Your mother-in-law or toxic in-laws may not be able to accept you for who you are, but for your own peace of mind and soul, you have to accept them for who they are.
And, to learn more about coping with toxic in-laws, read 6 Tips for Toxic Relatives – How to Handle Family Problems.
Do you have a mean mother-in-law – or tips for coping with mothers-in-law? Comments welcome below…
Related Articles:
- What to Do When Nothing is Good Enough for Your Mother
- How to Handle Problems With Your Mother
- You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends? How to Live in Peace
Category: Family Tips, Love & Relationships, Marriage Tips
my fiance mom wont let me around for holidays or his birthdays nothing with family functions….and my fiance doesn’t seem to care…well hes very laid back…we get along for a yr then she will kick me out of the family again…im angry at him bc its like he doesn’t care…he says she never wants to see you again…he says it like he enjoys saying it….every time she calls him it just makes me cringe…idk what to do..
As I read all of these problems, and responses – as well-meaning as they are – I can tell you that as someone who’s had several mothers-in-law, I’m smiling to myself thinking, this is an age-old problem that goes back since forever, in all cultures. In some countries the MIL is even expected to “punish” her daughter-in-law (funny how it’s always HIS mother) and treat her harshly; make her wait on her hand/foot etc.. Here’s my take: boyfriends/husbands who don’t seem to “get it” that their beloved is being mistreated by his family, whether it’s his mother or sister or whoever shunning you, goes over to see them without you, has little respect or even love for you, and is telling them (with his actions) that their cruel behavior is acceptable, and you should consider getting rid of him. Would he love you if you did that to him? Of course not. He’d feel like a dishrag. If he’s the father of your child or children and there’s more at stake, I’d ask him why your little family with him doesn’t seem to be where his loyalties lie? They had all their lives to create their own families. And I’d never talk to in-laws, or prospective in-laws, asking them what’s wrong. I’d keep my distance and make them come to me. After putting up with 3 hypocritical mothers-in-law, I decided to take matters in hand and with my behavior, trained my last one to earn my respect, not the other way around. I was polite and wouldn’t speak much to her. Now that the shoe was on the other foot she had to work on getting into MY favor. There’s an Oedipal thing that goes on with many of these women and there’s nothing you can do about it. The one to work on is your guy – it’s easier for him to pretend that you are the problem, or that there is no problem, when quite frankly his loyalties should be with you. Btw I have been happily married to the same man for 23 years. It’s him, not her.
Hi everyone, I really need your help, I am going out of my mind with my inlaws…please read my sotry I know it’s really long but I really really need your advice. I am married for two years now but been with my husband for 9 years and at first I tought that his parents were ok and that they just need to get to know me because my intentions towards them were nothing but good, I gave my best for them to like me, I spent my vecations with him at his parents vecation house, I spent christmas and Easter with them for years ( so he would not miss out on his family because we live very far away from them ) and not just for a few days we stayed for a week or two…I wanted to show them that I want their son to be close to his family even though we live together now and that I don’t want to come in between their relationship, but I want to belong here and be a part of this family too. Not very long after that they started making rude komments like “was my sister always big”, then it got like this “our older son is now done with college, he can get off getting married but you guys can’t!” They kept saying that in front of everyone (even though at that time we have lived together for two years and dated for four, and the older brother had nothing but short term girls for over five years with many girls, he was not planning on having a steady relationship at that point at all. But they kept pressuring him into it, telling him he needs to get married, he needs to find a wife and so on. But at the same time making sure that getting married was not an option for my husband and me. They started making jokes of how my fahter and my mother look like ( my parents are much younger then them and are atractive people, for our wedding they looked rally nice, paired up colors of the dress and tie, my mother is very nice looking for her age, a tall blonde woman and it got to bother my mother in law) so she started making jokes about my family, my religion, my nationality, everything and anything that was involved with me (this starded about three and a half years ago when thier older son their “golden child” whom they love more then life itself, nothing like they are to my husband brought home a visius snake of a g/f, who soon became his wife (thanks to the pressure of the parents). He wanted them to accept her, because he was affraid they wouldnt, so he and she starded to make up stories about me and my husband, and told them that I said some things to her, and blah blah blah. Which has made my situation a living hell. One day after we got engaged we went down to visit them for a couple of weeks, My husband, his mother and I wanted to go and pay respect at his grandmothers grave, light a candle and put up some fresh flowers when we came across the family priest on the way to the cemitery, he looked at me and said to my mother in law is this the new daughter in law (the older sons g/f at the time) whom your husband was telling me about, your husband told me that he has never seen his son so much in love. And at that point we (my husband and I) had just got Engaged, like a couple of months ago after dating for five years, and this girl has been with the other son for only 5 months, I said to the Priest, no, Im not her, and I told him that Im the younger sons fiancee, at what he replied that he has not heard anything about that. I was crying after that for hours, I felt so disrespected. Two xmases ago was the last time we spent the holidays with them because they totally disrespected me infront of the whole family and were making fun of me, we took off early next morning (stayed for a total of 20 Hours there) and I cryed the whole 5 hours ride home. I told my parents what has hapend and they were out of their minds mad about this whole situation, and the thing is that my husband is a rather quiet guy, and never got to stand up to them like I said they never paid much attention to him. They even came up to visit the older son, for his engagement to which we were not invited to, and for his family to meet her family, and they have not told us that they are comming up, they didn’t even want to tell us when we found out that they are comming why they were comming! that was last christmas eve, they were litterly 10 minutes away from our house and have not even called to tell us marry christmas!! I was soooo upset because my husband had a bad accidant a couple of weeks befor that and now his family ignored us. Two months ago I had a miscarriage at almost 3 months pregnat, I had to have a curettage, we were so disappointed and hurt because this baby was a blessing for us, it was that one positive thing that has happened to us for a while and then we got to find out that the baby’s heart stopped beating, and that it had stopped growing…my husband told his parents, that we lost the baby, they have not once asked him to talk to me to ask me direktly if I am ok…she calld our house phone once and my sister picked up because she was there taking care of me, but I was at the doctors at the time and she told me that my mother in law has only said to her, that we shouldnt worry that this happends a lot and that it’s such a common thing right now, it is appearing everywhere and that she knows a lot of people whom this happend to and that she hasnt even asked how I am doing. Yesterday was my birthday and guess who called on my cellphone all of a sudden?? My mother in law, I didn’t pick up, so she sent me a text saying “Our dear MM, we wish you from the bottom of our Heart nothing but best wishes for your Birthday, with all honesty your mother and father-In-Law.” aghhhh How come that now she knows my private number? (which she knew for years and only called if her son didnt pick up on his cell to ask me why he’s not picking up and if he is ok) and she didn’t know to call after I lost my baby, thier first grandchild!! Im really frustrated, thank you for reading, this is only a short version of this situation it’s just driving me insane!…Thanx again.
My mother in law has talked a lot of bs and I have always brushed it off, I find out because of my sister in law she doesn’t agree on what her mother says about me, my mother in law has never said anything to my face. I just recently found out that she thinks I am having an affair with my brother in law, her other son. I have NEVER giving her or anyone a reason to think this!!! My brother in law is like a little brother to me and I would never see him like that ever. I talked to my brother in law about it and he said he was going to talk with his parents. I dont want to ruin the relationship they have but I am so sick of it and it makes me so disgusted that his parents would think such thing. I have not told my husband yet because I know he will be very upset and hurt, but I am really close on telling him everyday. I don’t know what to do, confront them and letting them find out that my sister in law tells me evrything and she will also be in trouble, tell my husband and let him handle it, or just let it go??
I have a major problem and I have no idea how to cope with the problem. I literally live rhe movie monster n law. My fiancees mom convinced me to move with her and completely destroy my relationship with my family. When i had moved in she acted like she was tje nicest person in the world but i had no clue what awaited me. The whole time i had lived there i had seen more then dad had in his 4yrs in the navy. Right i had moved in she was constantly changing such as selling her drug left and right,cops kept coming to the house, she would tell the police she had pot and she was going to smoke as soon as they left and they did nothing she would go “fishing” where her stash was/is. She is an unemployed person who always goes to the casino and her husband is always on and off with employment and if he doesnt have a job then she hates him,cheats on him,kicks him out, and abuses him. As soon as he gets a job she all the sudden loves him and treats someone else like a piece of crap. One night she chased me around with needles that she had just used and pinned me down and i tried fighting her off finally my fiancee realized she wasnt joking around and tried getting off of me and she threatened if she doesnt do it now she will get me when i was sleeping so auston had to stay up all night and then she had his brother try to chase me down to stick me( everybody but my fiancee is bipolar in this family). Another day she was trying to get me to do a drug deal with one of her customers and i wouldnt do it the next day she turned around and started trying to get his exgf started in on everything (i have anxiety really bad) which kept getting auston and me in fights because i told him that his mother and her were trying to destroy us which the other day his mom and her started all over again the day before we were suppose to get married and she sent him love txt and his mom and her threatened me on facebook that they were going to kill me and make it look like an accident or have her old gang members from bloomington,ill to take care og me and his ex would take care of himwhen im gone rather we are married or not (which my fiancee wasnt happy i got a full protection order against his mom and his ex). Well anyways, overtime she kept asking for more and more money out of me and her son like $100/month for rent from me and some other things which wasnt bad and made her son pay $200 out of his ssi(he’s deaf and dad died) of his $295/month which he gets allowance of that and he is 20 now and she got me to pay for our phone bill every month and car insurace each month until i ran out of money then she convinced me to cancel the insurane (she is very good at brain washing). After awhile she asked me to let her use my credit cards and she would pay me back which she did for awhile but then stopped so i stopped letting her use them so she waited til i had the flu and i was in the dead sleep and stole my cards and my car when i woke up my cards were in the right place but my keys werent and i asked her and she said well i borrowed ur car, i didnt think u would mind. I went in the car and it smelt like pot and i hadnt noticed my cards yet. A month later i noticed i never got my bills so i called my credit cards and they said it was received and delivered i checked the trash nothing so i checked the other trash bags and my bills were in there my cards were all maxed out! I told my fiancee and he said please dont turn her in she is my mom ill talk to her,nothing was done. His mom yet again acted like nothing was wrong like nothing ever happened. Again i waited for something else to happen well one day our niece was playing around and playing hit her mom and her mom smacked her so she went to her grandma for comfort instead grandma smacked her even harder and amerie went running off i went to comfort her and my fiancees mom told me i better not tell her son so i did anyways i dont believe in secrets. The next day they were both smacking our nephew and laughing because he would laugh and they would smack him harder so i told my fiancee and all the sudden he went up to his mom and yelled at her and then she threatened to seperate us and make us do everything at different times or break us up and put me out. So we left her alone and at tax season his brother claimed without his permisson to get more money and his mom and me met up with my fiancees money and she said she was going to gamble because he doesnt know how to use his money so she used some bought “him” a truck that she took over and gambled and lost all the money and told me i better never tell him well again i told him and he was furious but he didnt metion anything so i didnt get kicked out. The next day we were talking about kids and she was laughing on how she use to abuse her kids such as beat them until they were covered in blood,let other people beat them up,she would hold them down and put a whole pack of cigerattes and make them smoke it, etc. And then she said that she would make my future kids smoke pot and treat them that way if they act up and when they turn 18 take them to a strip joint. Later that night she told me i better not break his ex up and him from beings friends they have a future and im using her to pass him in school and if you get pregnant while you live here then i will punch your stomach and take it from you when it is born and kick you out so you better pray if you every are you best take the pill if you know whats best . Aka she is known by the police as crazy kelly with a long record. But 1 day he shot and didnt pull out in time so i was scared and took the pill which my fiancee still blames me and i do to because we had a miscarriage later down the road. Well a couple weeks later i had an incident at work and had to go to the hospital and she wanted to take me and my fiancee told her no because she was talking about making give shots and medicine she needed to sell and was pissed he told her no and that i changed him supposedly. The nextday she told him to fix her spark plugs and he took me to go get my pain meds first well since he did that she called and said that heifer has got to go. Auston busted out in tears and we went to his moms and she was pulling on me and yelling at me that im no good,to fat,dont know how to cook, making crap up and calling everyone saying im trying to kill my fiancee. She told me my rent only pays for the bedroom floor. And she took them all out for his brothers 21 bday at the casino and told me i had 5 mins to move out and she was going to make the neighbor kick me out if i was still there so i hid like i was a criminal. A week later he asked me to marry him there is way more but the end of it i cant take his mom no more and i love him and want to marry him but we have been fighting over her ever since we got our own place and getting closer to marriage and he said i have to deal with her and he wont and never has stuck up for me but he says he loves me wat do i do and wat do i tell him
Dear Caz,
I’m sorry to hear how your mother-in-law is causing so many problems, and your husband doesn’t seem to notice! Men are definitely different than women – I know that my husband takes things less seriously than I do.
I think it’d be good to get an objective perspective. Not me, because I can’t come to your home and see your mother-in-law in action! Perhaps a trusted friend or family member can visit while your mother-in-law is there, and see the problems she’s causing. You need someone to give you an outside point of view – someone who has seen your mother-in-law and your husband interacting with your twin babies.
Your friend or family member can then help you figure out how to deal with your mother-in-law’s behavior.
Another possibility is to get help being more assertive at home. You might call a help line, and ask if there are any workshops or courses in your area that teach boundary setting. Some churches have classes on setting healthy boundaries without destroying the whole family!
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best as you cope with your mother-in-law.
Blessings,
Laurie
hi
i am at my wits end.my partner and i have twin babies 8 months of age. his mother is causing problems in our relationship.the thing is she cant help us out with the babies as mentally she is not able but my partner cant c that there is a problem there at all.when im working he has her down all the time and i do be a nervous wreck thinking about her holding the babies,carrying them shouting in their little ears,etc etc when she had her own kids she used to get the neighbour to feed them as she was afraid and she tells everyone that! she is 63 but going on 93.it has caused a lot of fights as i have told my partner my concerns but he is not listening im actually thinking about leaving him and moving away least my babies be out of harms way then!
Dear Joan,
Thanks for sharing your life here. It sounds like you and your boyfriend really want to get along with his parents…but unfortunately getting along with people is a two-way street! Sometimes a mother-in-law (or father-in law) can be impossible to get along with, no matter how hard you try or what you do.
I think your boyfriend has to be the one who stands up to them — he needs to stand his ground. If you’re the woman he loves and perhaps one day wants to marry, he needs to protect you by telling his parents that he wants to live with you no matter how much money they’ll give him to move out!
Here are a few more thoughts, in this article I wrote for you:
How to Handle Parents Who Interfere in Your Relationship
I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts here or there.
Blessings,
Laurie
I have an unexpected situation with by BF’s parents. I visited his parents last August and was under the impression it went well. They asked about me and told my bf there were no problems (we’ve been dating for 6 years). We moved in together (we asked for their opinion and they said that they were uncomfortable but okay with it). We’ve been living together for a bit and suddenly his parents have said that they don’t like me because he looks at me first when he talks to them and am therefore controlling. They have told him they would pay him to move out ASAP. He and I don’t know what to do about this. I want so bad to work things out with them but they only talk to him. I have every respect for them and am beyond hurt (not to mention I cannot afford the apartment myself). Any suggestions?
I am one of those who were rejected by my in laws.The world con’t stop there girls.They rejected me before they knew me an dI understand because of cultural differences.I ended up the relationship with my husband because I found it hard to stand the heat already.Here I am concentrating on my job to support my kid and finally my in laws got what they want.My husband got married from their flocks.Be cool girls and remain respectful in their eyes.
Dear H,
I think you’re right that your mother in law and the problems she brings will never change. And, it’s definitely more complicated when your husband thinks its best for your kids to see her.
There are no easy answers, and I certainly can’t give you the solutions here! But I think it’s important to let your husband work out his relationship with his mother, and try not to get in the way of that. You can’t solve your mother in law problems…but you can accept her for who she is, and set boundaries that protect you and your family.
I don’t know exactly what boundaries to recommend since I don’t know your family dynamics. I encourage you to talk to a family counselor for support and guidance.
And, if your mother in law only wants occasional contact with your family, them maybe you need to just let it unfold that way. Maybe that’s the best thing for everyone? Maybe let her take the lead on family visits, and tell your kids that grandma loves them but is very busy with her life.
I hope this helps a bit, and that you’re able to set boundaries that keep you happy and healthy. One of the best ways to learn is by reading books, such as the one I recommended in this article about toxic in laws and family members.
Blessings,
Laurie
Forgot my point. Its tough to get over it and accept that you have been used as a scapegoat for a family matrarch to bully for attention and sympathy. My husband has said he doesn’t care if he never sees her again but can we really live like that?
All this advice is useful and I have tried everything. I came to the conclusion that my mil will never change and despite all the.trouble she has caused (taking full advantage of my husbands weaknesses) I said I was willing to talk. She refuses and all she wants is to speak to dh. She manipulated him by claiming that she.wants to see.the.children but has not contacted them for months. (she.was.able to phone my husband on my 40th.after.three.months of no contact. Knowing full well she.might.cause.trouble. I am torn now and no longer want to expose.my kids to her manipulative controlling garb. But do not want to rock the.boat with husband who thinks its.best for.the.kids.to see.her even though he.is aware that she.bad.mouths me to my kids. He has.40 years of control to get over.
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I don’t have a relationship with his parents because they say they “aren’t ready to get to know me” for fear that they will like me and that I’ll leave the relationship and they’ll lose me. I know that this stems from the fact that my boyfriend’s brother is always in and out of relationships and my boyfriend also has an ex-wife of 13 years. To me this is a horrible approach and is just so frustrating. I plan on being with my bf indefinitely and the longer they stay away the more I will resent them. They want to get me gifts and I always say I don’t want anything but to build a relationship. What’s the point in giving me a gift when you don’t even give it in person? My family is the complete opposite to this. If my bf didn’t show up to christmas they’d ask me what was so important he couldn’t make it! Being with family and an ever-growing family is what’s most important!
Dear Stephanie and Kris,
I’m very sorry to hear about your mother in law problems, and how it’s affecting your relationship. I can’t offer personal advice or counseling, but I encourage you to get in-person support. Please call a counselor or a support helpline. You need to talk to someone in person, who can help you figure the best way to cope.
Please talk to someone who can give you objective, professional support. You’re already headed in the right direction — reaching out for help and sharing what you’ve been through — and now you need to surround yourself with resources that will give you the strength and courage you need.
You might find this article helpful: How to Find Solutions to Relationship and Family Problems — it describes six ways to get help.
Please read that article, and get in-person support – or online counseling help.
I wish you all the best — and welcome you to come back anytime to update me on how you’re doing!
Laurie
I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years. My boyfriend’s sister (mother because his mother died at age 10) who is the family matriarch has decided I am unworthy and has shut me out. My boyfriend continues his usual relationship with her, goes over to her house frequently and leaves me here because I’m not allowed in her house. My take on this is different. I think his lack of support for me is equivalent to her refusal to acknowledge me. It’s quite demeaning in my opinion and considering that our relationship is shaky from interpersonal conflict, it only magnifies our problems. I’d rather just leave.
I have been in a 3 year relationship with my boyfriend (Jason) who lives a stones throw away from his very toxic parents. Not only have they spoken maybe 10 words to me in those 3 years, but they treat Jason, their own son, with no respect, compassion or even love for that matter. I’m not just saying this because of the absolute distain I feel for them…but they are absolutely the unhappiest, most miserable people I have ever encountered in my 44 years on this earth.
If it were just him and I, I would be able to deal with all of this. However, he has a daughter who is 4 years old (Abby), their ONLY grandchild and the only grandchild they will ever have. Jason and Abby’s mother were never married. He has never missed a visitation with Abby and is a good dad. His parents however think that “they” should be the ones raising Abby. They talk badly about Abby’s mother in front of her and to whomever they come across. They tell Jason that he needs to talk to Abby’s mother about ‘this and that’ concerning their grandaughter…the things that Abby’s mother is doing wrong. When he scolds Abby in front of them, they step in and scold him in return, in front of her.
Last month they informed Jason that Abby’s mom can pick her up at “their” house if she wants to instead of his house. This was during the same arguement of them jumping on Jason about Abby’s eating habits when Abby is under her mom’s care because she was having a hard time having a BM. They told Jason that if they think she should see a doctor for this or any other problem, then they will just take her straight to ER if they want to.
They have their own bedroom for her, their own clothes her, and their own toys for her at their house. They refuse to be a part of our Holidays together including Thanksgivings and Christmases. They even refuse to attend Abby’s birthday parties. They have their “own” at “their” house with Abby. I could go on and on, but I’m sure you get the picture.
Jason only see’s Abby every other weekend and 3 hours on her mid-week visit. Jason and Abby spend their 3 hour mid-week visits at his parents house, not his house. On the weekends that he does have, Abby is at their house about 50 percent of the time because he doesn’t want to deny them time with Abby, because Abby likes spending time with them.
Jason has had a really hard time financially the last 2 years. Due to the economy, he was let go from his job, was on unemployment for a year and finally found a job a year ago making almost half of what he was making. They know he has struggled. He has found a better paying job in the town where I live, 70 minutes away, and is going to move in with me and my 2 kids. When he told his parents, they could care less that Jason was moving away. The only thing they asked was if they were going to see Abby any less. He informed them no that they would still be able to see her as much. They would still have mid-week visits at their house and they could get Abby on Friday evenings and bring her to my…our house on Saturdays. We would then take Abby back to her mom on Sunday evenings. They then asked about what Jason was planning on doing with his house since he is moving 70 minutes away. He said either rent it out or sell it. Well they had a better idea. Instead of Jason renting it out for extra income, his parents would pay him the rent he would be getting from someone and ask Abby’s mom if she wants to live there for free. Of course they would be right there across the street in case Abby’s mom needs anything or help with Abby when she is sick and can’t go to pre-scool or is out of pre-school for the day. How conveniant for them. They sure didn’t care that Jason had a hard time paying his bills for 2 years, but are more than willing to use their money to ‘buy off’ Abby’s mom with a free place to live. To make matters worse, Jason is allowing this to happen so that Abby and her mom can live in a “better” community. What about our dreams of selling both of our houses and finding something in the country between his hometown and my hometown. Why should Abby’s mom have a free place to live and us not being able to use any equity in his house to put down on another place? I have only been in my house for 4 years and don’t have much equity. But hey….as long as Jason’s parent’s get what they want, who cares about anything else huh?
Jason tells me that I am the one who is being the “bigger” person. Ya know what? I’m tired of being the bigger person. I’m tired of them getting him all worked up and in return getting me all worked up too. I love their son. I love their granddaughter. I treat her as if she were my own. I play with her. I read to her. I buy her clothes and toys like I buy my own kids’. I am a good person. I am a loving and caring person. I come from a good and loving family. Tell me? If they really care about their grandaughter like they think they do, shouldn’t they be glad that Jason and I found each other and that I want to continue being a possitive and loving person in Abby’s life? Can’t Jason see that their behavior is having a negative effect on not only him and I, but on Abby as well? I just don’t know if I have it in myself to keep allowing such unnecessary turmoil and drama in my life. It’s wearing my down.
Hi Sherry,
It’s important to remember that you can’t change your future in-laws! Who they are now is who they will always be. People CAN change, of course, but they don’t usually change without motivation.
People – whether they’re family or in-laws – aren’t perfecti and they can’t always live up to our hopes and expectations. Perhaps your in-laws aren’t the type to call you, buy you birthday presents, or talk about engagement parties. That’s just who they are.
It sounds like they’re nice to your face, which is really important! My best advice, based on what you shared here, is to accept them for who they are. The only person you can change is yourself — your own attitudes towards them. I really think the most peaceful, mature, and wise thing to do is accept them as they are right now.
Congratulations on your wedding — and may your marriage be blessed!
Laurie
hi. my boyfriend and i are in love for about 3years. we’re going to get marrried but his parents don’t put a step forward. they don’t even call to find out wether i’m alive or not. they don’t buy me presents for my birthday, in spite of that whenever they see me they greet me so well and they pretend ( i guess so ) they love me even more than their son.
i wonder what are they waiting for after 3years that they don’t even talk about an engagement party !?!?!?! pleasssssssssse helppppppppp
Teresa,
Thanks for this tip on mothers in law who don’t like you! I think it’s so important not to dwell on the people you can’t please or “win over” — and it’s healthier to just let them go.
Your advice about not casting pearls before swine is a perfect way to say it….and the beauty of that quip is that it can apply to so many different situations and mean so many different things.
All good things,
Laurie
I have been married over 24 years and my mother-in-law has never accepted me. She has rejected me, ignored me and criticized me. She stopped speaking to me for three years without explaining why. To make peace I apologized–I’m still not sure what I apologized for. I have tried everything I know to have a healthy relationship with her, but to no avail. Over the last few years she has turned colder to my husband and children as well. She is his stepmother–his real mom died when he was 16. She has two sons and now has two grandchildren from them, which she adores and favors. She barely speaks to my children. It has been so hurtful to us all but I have finally given up. I only wish I could turn the clock back and never have wasted my time and energy trying so hard to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want one. My advice to others with this problem is to spend time with those who truly do love you and let go of those who don’t. Not worth it! Do not cast your pearls before swine.
Lisa,
Thanks for your comment — and I’m glad you had the courage to leave your marriage after eight years! It’s sad that you had to do it, but it’s better than staying in a situation where your husband and mother-in-law are lying to you.
I wish you all the best in your future!
Laurie
it’s only going to work out if your husband doesn’t defend his mother. I left my marriage of 8 years after my husband and his mother both lied to me blatantly and had no intentions of coming clean.
it was the most hurtful day of my life.
to this day neither of them will admit that they lied, or apologize – they tell me I’m wrong (even though our bank statements and phone bills say otherwise)
good luck to those still in this situation.
I have a fairly good idea her side. She is married to a man who is almost 30 years older than herself and I think now that he is in his 80s and she in her 50s she is facing the reality of the age gap. Also she lost a daughter at 5 leaving her with my bf as her only child so I know she was hoping for grandchildren. For obvious reasons this is not a possibility for us as I am 48 with 3 almost grown kids. I as a mother can understand this although would support what ever made my child happy and would never reject them or thier decisions even if it were not what I had hoped for. I must admit all of this makes me feel somewhat insecure as I worry myself about our age gap and what the long term future may hold. This is an affulent family and my bf has inherited alot and has never wanted for anything where as I have to work very hard to meet all my needs. My bf is somewhat selfish when it comes to money possesions etc where as I am a total giver by nature so sometimes I fear our walks of life may interfere with a long future together. The unanswered questions I think is a dilema for all of us ,so for now I am holding on to see where the future will take me.
Roselle, it’s interesting that you haven’t met your in-laws in person yet! My husband hasn’t met my mother, actually (so he hasn’t met all his in-laws, either). If you do meet them, I hope it goes well
Susan, it sounds like you’re in a very healthy place with regard to your boyfriend’s mother. What a shame; I don’t understand how people can be so judgemental and unaccepting. It’d be interesting to get her side, wouldn’t it? What’s going on in her mind? Anyway, it’s her loss…she’s creating distance and conflict between herself and her son.
Well I saw my boyfriends Mom for the first time in over a year an a half. We had a yard sale and she stopped by. I was very enthusiastic towards her said it was great to see her and 2 of my kids were there so I introduced them etc. She was very very cold toward me but I feel it was some progress that she showed up knowing I would be there.But I agree with the coments left that I should just focus on my relationship and let the cards fall where they may. I’m not going to go out of my way to create a relationship with the family but if in there presence I can only be who I am and I refuse to be rude because thats just not me:)
hi!
mine is quite different to your situation, Iam married for 5 years but I never had a chance to meet my in laws in person. I just dont have the grasp of others mind and emotions, what matters is that Im in control of mine….
That’d be great — I’d love if you responded to her question about starting her own business!
Here’s the link to her question – just scroll down to the end…
Ask a Question
Thanks Susan! And, I’m guessing that you saw her question in the email in box? In that case, just come to Quips & Tips and search for the title of the article. I’m not sure if there’s a more direct way to find the article, but I’ll look into it.
I wanted to respond to a comment left regarding a gal wanting to start her own business, I am in the beauty indusry for 28 years and wanted to comment to her, just wondering how you comment on individuals post. Im not much on the computer so if you could guide me that would be great. I just see many post but not sure how to pick a specific one:) thanks
Thank you for your time! I like the advice and plan on following it. In the present this situation has not had a huge impact on our relationship, more than anything I feel saddness for my boyfriend and truthfully I think in a selfish way I had hoped this would change so my boyfriend would feel the freedom to marry me without worrying what trouble this could cause him with the family. I also think your right in that no matter who he was with they would find some fault in that person.
Funny also you mention that if they met me and realized how loving and nice I am and how compatable I am with thier son they would struggle. My boyfriend has said almost the exact thing to me. Again thanks, I enjoy this forum and found it very helpful!
Cheer up. It WILL get better.
If your mother in law doesn’t like you, then I think you should just let it be. Don’t try to make her like you because you can’t force anyone to like you! Just concentrate on building a great relationship with your boyfriend or husband. Don’t let your mother in law ruin your relationship.