Why Men Cheat on Women – Insights From a Marriage Counselor
First, here are two interesting statistics about marital affairs, from Neuman’s book The Truth About Cheating:
- 1 in 2.7 men will cheat, and most of their wives will never find about it.
- 92% of men say that affairs aren’t primarily about sex.
Below is a summary of what Neuman told Oprah Winfrey about why men cheat.
For more detailed information on physical and emotional affairs in marriage, read The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It.
Why Men Cheat on Women – Insights From a Marriage Counselor
Neuman says men cheat because of:
- Loneliness in their relationship or marriage.
- Affirmation from “the other woman.”
- Not enough attention at home.
The women men cheat with make them feel valued, secure, and appreciated. “Men love to win,” says Neuman. “If you want to make men feel secure, make them feel like they’re winning.” The husbands who had affairs said that they felt like they couldn’t win at home or in their marriage.
In The Truth About Cheating, Neuman reports the results of a survey of marriage, marital affairs, and cheating spouses. He surveyed hundreds of husbands and wives to determine the real reasons men cheat. Neuman wrote the book because he saw the overwhelming devastation that happens in families, children, and relatives when men cheat on their wives.
If your husband cheated on you, you may find Should I Trust My Boyfriend After He Cheated on Me? helpful.
The Controversy in The Truth about Cheating
Oprah points out the controversy in this book: a lot of the onus for marital affairs seems to be on the women. “How come we have to be the ones to work it out or fix it?” she asks.
Neuman stresses that it’s not the wives’ fault and it’s not a blame game. He says that The Truth About Cheating is a book is about empowering women. “If you do certain things, you can lead your relationship to better place.”
Women think if they appreciate their partners or husbands too much, the men will stop doing wonderful or helpful things around the house or in the relationship. It’s just the opposite, says Neuman. Here’s more marriage advice from Neuman: the more you appreciate your husband, the more he’ll want to please you.
In fact, some marriage counselors believe that you should stay with a cheating husband. Read Should I Leave My Cheating Husband? The Best Reason to Stay Married to learn why.
How Many Men Leave Their Wives For Prettier Women?
Almost none.
“I had a ton of mistresses, and none were prettier than my wife,” said one husband who cheated on his wife.
Neuman said that 88% of the men said that the other woman wasn’t better looking or in better shape than their wives. Remember that cheating on your spouse is NOT about sex.
Why Do Men Cheat on Women?
The number one reason why men cheat is that there’s an emotional disconnection in the relationship. Husbands or partners feel underappreciated, and report a lack of thoughtful gestures. They’re lonely in their marriages.
Men who cheat find women who make them feel alive, admired, and respected.
“Men are very emotional beings,” says Neuman. The stereotype is that men are unemotional beings, but Neuman says men are very emotional beings, they just express it differently.
Men want to feel like they’re pleasing their wives. If they get the message that they’re messing up, they feel insecure – and more likely to stray. Here’s Neuman’s marital advice to help you achieve your personal relationship goals: express how much you appreciate your spouse.
Most people find people to cheat with at work. A friendship or emotional relationship develops.
Some Husbands Will Cheat on Their Wives No Matter What
Neuman says that 12% of men will cheat no matter what the wife does. Neuman says that you know those cheating spouses because they have a lack of remorse, if he’s cavalier about it, there’s no way to heal the marriage.
Do Men Confess Their Affairs?
Only 7% told their wives without being asked that they had an affair. Neuman said that 55% of the men in his study still hadn’t told their wives about their affairs.
When wives do find out that men are having a marital affair, they know who the partner was cheating with. Usually, people talk about their romantic interests.
Signs to Look for Before He Cheats
Marriage cheating signs include:
- Spend more time away from home
- Less sex
- Avoidance of contact (eg, he doesn’t answer his cell phone).
- More critical of you
These signs of cheating in marriage are the same when he’s about to cheat, or when he’s already involved in a marital affair. Take Neuman’s marital advice if you want to achieve your personal relationship goals, and watch for these signs of cheating.
Do You Think Your Man is Cheating?
If you think he’s cheating, here are three ways to investigate…
“Go to cell phone records to find out whether he’s very involved with somebody,” says Neuman. “Put a GPS magnet on the bottom of his car, so you can see where his car has been. And, if you think he’s cheating but don’t believe what he says, ask him to take a lie detector test.”
“Lying in a relationship can be more hurtful than the affair itself – and it takes a lot to move past it,” said one woman whose husband cheated on her.
A final bit of marriage advice for men who cheat: “It’s best to come clean as early as possible,” says Neuman. “Be honest with your wife when you’re just beginning to get interested in someone else.”
Love and Relationship Help
- Is He Cheating? Learn the Truth
- Free Online Marriage Help – Mort Fertel
- Captivate Him – Be the Woman He Never Wants to Leave
For Broken Relationships
To learn more from Neuman, read The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It,
Neuman also wrote Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship.
If you have any thoughts or questions on why men cheat, please comment below…
Related Articles:
- How to Affair Proof Your Marriage – The Truth About Cheating
- How to Save Your Marriage After Infidelity and Trust Your Spouse Again
- How to Stop Cheating on Your Spouse
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Love & Relationships
Sounds like its have a pop at men forum. I, a man, looking for reasons why I cannot even get close to my wife to be intimate, think I have just found the answer after reading all your comments. When you really believe in something, you start to make it happen. No exception. Man or Woman. You think a man is cheating when he isn’t, by your thoughts and actions you will probably push him into that corner of cheating. Then he will 1try to keep it quiet or 2blame it on you. You pushed him. With men, once convinced his woman has cheated, he may then cheat himself may not be to get back at her, but to feel that he can still get his kicks. All this can be said with opposite roles. My brothers wife ran of a left him. So its not all about that men cheat woman can cheat to. Men don’t talk as much about when there woman cheats as much as women do about their man. That’s why you hear more about men cheating than woman.
But this guy in this book seems like he has me figured out, apart from the fact that I have not cheated. Yes I have tried the back rub being more supportive taking our child off her hands even when I’m dead tired from working all day. Attempting and finally finishing the mountain like washing up. When all I want to do after being on my feet all day is sit down for 30minutes. I would like a reward for doing my part at the end of week or any time. A reward than she would enjoy which is being intimate with each other. This happens 4 times a year. So do you think its my thought if I end up cheating. I hope I never would. But finding a painless way off killing myself is even hardy than cheating. I would leave a wife and daughter behind if I cheated or if I died. If I cheat I can still give answers. If I die, the wife may know why. The daughter will have no father. The bottom line is that the stress of the relationship can build up so much that you need to relieve the stress before things go wrong. Stress builds up very quickly. Sex is a good stress reliever. It brings couples closer to. Holding it back from your spouse will just make matters worse. If she wants it do it. She will feel better, your life will be less stressed, and she will give you all sorts of beautiful comments. And. If he wants it, do it, he will love you more, he will do more to make sure you stay that way, (as the book says. But not in these words). Like I said. I’m a man. And it looks like you women are having these issues because your drawing them into you life.
NOW FOR MY BLUNT ANALYSIS. The man cheats his way into getting what he wants. The woman cheats into getting what she wants. Both man and woman can be cheaters. Some men are better behaved than women. Some women are better behaved than men. You married the person your with to keep them happy. If you can’t keep them happy then maybe you shouldn’t be with them. Cheating will not make your spouse happy. If they cheated to get with you, what makes you think that when things are bad they won’t cheat on you. If they can do it once. Then can most likely do it again. And if you can’t keep up with the demands of your partner. Don’t be surprised if the look elsewhere. IT’S YOUR DUTY ON YOUR PART IF YOU WANT TO STAY WITH THE PERSON YOUR WITH. keep them happy.
Nowadays, you cannot trust your husband. I think every wife needs to monitor her husband. Hiring a detective is unaffordable. So I recommend you just use the mobile spy software or computer key logger programs to monitor your husband’s activity.
I agree we think men are not emotional because they don’t show it the way we do.
Most husbands don’t go out looking for sex people….they build a emotion connection with this other woman first..now ask your self why? because you probably blame your man for everything,put him down,blow him off, sex is just sex to men nothing more and trust me its not sex he is yearning for its something lacking from the relationship but we women dont like to see what we did wrong(men and women cheat for the same reasons something is lacking) this is from experience being a cheater and being cheated on.
Not saying its right to cheat but, just because men have sex when they cheat does not mean they cheat for sex.
Also Most men are in denial about why they cheat because of society.
when i meet my partner 3 years ago, he was so lovely but greek and having friends who had been in awful relationships with greek men i was reluctant to see him and explained why because i had been cheated on in the past and was totally devastated by it, he told me he was not that way inclined and would never do such a thing to me…i trusted him so much..our relationship was fantastic to start with,i was so in love with him and within months i gave up my rented house and moved in with him…i thought i had meet the perfect man and i wanted to make him happy..there was nothing i wouldnt do for him..we talked about marriage and did everything together…i couldnt have asked for a better man…then after a few months i started to realise he lied about stupid things to me and the lies escalulated into bigger ones and the relationship was not as strong but i kept working at it, then we were both not working and had to struggle finacially which was really tough….a year and a half into our relationship i found a job and at the time we nearly lost the house however i saved the house and paid the mortgage and the arrears which litually took up all my wages..I was working for 8 months when i started to become ill…i was totally exhausted from work and home life because he was not working and did little in the house, which meant i didnt get a break at weekends, we also had my son and his son living in the house…anyway to cut the story short he got a text from a woman telling him she was having dirty thoughts about him, i was numb !! i confronted him and he said it must be for his 18 year old son but i called the number and found he was e-mailing and texting an ex girlfriend who lives 200 miles away for the last 7 years on and off, they swapped dirty pictures, discussed meeting up for sex…i was devasted…so for the whole of my relationship he was cheating on me over the internet… i can express the pain inside me…i was torn to pieces…i spoke to the girl in question and she said she had no idea about me…he said she meant nothing and he did it because i was working and he was bored at home…..after many rows and tears i said i would give him another chance…that was 9 months ago and not one day had gone by were i dont still feel the pain..on top of that i received an e-mail from a another woman claiming she had sex last year in his car with him…i have also had major problems with his son who has stolen money from me and lied to his father about me trying to make me look like a horrible person, i have left a few times and come back and now i feel like im on the verge of a break down, i have become this person that is not me…i am happy one day and the next i am a wreck, i have slapped him across the face, i have thrown items across the room and this is not me…..he said the new woman claimig to have sex with him is made up, he said he is being set up and he doesnt know her….i am at the end of my wits….i am so sad and feel so betrayed….i gave up so much to be with him, i saved his house, i asked him to put my name on the mortgage and he said no…should i just leave ???
I have a problem w/Dr. whats his names reasons on why men cheat. I don’t see any mention of him suggesting that these men be responsible for their actions. Cheating, obviously, isn’t the answer. If these men can take the time to cheat, why don’t they take the time to just communicate with their significant other? It’s really selfish and immature. So, it’s okay that they go elsewhere for validation that they are appreciated, but then it’s okay for them to not appreciate and neglect their wives? I’m not saying that it’s not normal to find other people attractive, or to be sexually attracted to them, but when someone acts on it, and uses lame excuses that their partner isn’t appreciating them, that’s ridiculous. Yes, maybe it’s true, but maybe the husband needs to step up and find out what’s going on in the marriage… maybe give your wife a nice back rub, flowers.. tell her you love her… and do it consistently. You get what you give. But to run off with another woman, will not help anyone. They’re just excuses. That’s all this so called “expert” on Oprah is doing… giving excuses for these men acting like immature, selfish jerks. Ladies… figure out a plan to get yourself out of a relationship with a selfish, unappreciative man. He will not change. He will tell you what you want to hear, just to keep things on even keel, while you’re sick to your stomach, upset every day, and have zero trust in his sorry ass.. which, by the way, you’re justified in feeling that way. Don’t blame yourself (unless you’re a real bitch and know you’re torturing him), he’s responsible for every action he partakes in. Put your foot down. Stand up for yourself, and leave. Unless you want to go through an entire lifetime of hell, and having your children watch it go down… you deserve better, and so do your kids. Make better choices next time when it comes to a man… not these selfish, instant-gratifying losers. Let him know you feel unappreciated, and leave.
Hi,
I’ve been married to my husband for a little over a year now, and been together for five. After being together for three years he ran into his ex one night. A week later she started to text and email him, innocent at first but it quickly turned sexual. He continued it for six months, I felt a change and pointed it out after four or five months. Instead of being honest he asked me to marry him and made it seem like the stress from work and asking me to marry him was why things were weird. I didn’t know what was going on but felt unsure about things. I accepted the marriage proposal bu he went back to the emailing texting and phone calls, sending pics back and forth etc. I tried to keep up our sex life but he wouldn’t be aroused by anything I tried…and I tried. We had a few blow outs the year of our engagement. Five weeks to our wedding I got an email from the ex telling me what had been going on up until the week prior. When confronted I wanted to call off the wedding. He had an emotional breakdown. Promised it was a mistake and he only wanted to be with me it was for the emotional boost…I don’t understand that because I made changes to
my life to give him what he said he needed. Long story short he wanted to go to couselling and fix us. I still loved him, and believed him. We got married five weeks later.
Fast fwd to today, he has not been going to the counsellor regularily he still goes but sporadically. He lies about the smallest things that make me wonder if he has a big lie. He gets defensive, doesn’t do the things or meets the expectations that he sets out for himself or the ones we create together. He let our first anniversary pass with no effort. I am ready to leave, but I feel like we haven’t given it the chance yet to be better than it was before all of this. I said if he wants to be single or with someone else I am willing to move on because I cannot be disrespected anymore. He says he is not cheating and only wants to be with me, and is willing to do what it takes, but it feels like words because he doesn’t do what it takes and I don’t k ow if I even do love him anymore. I don’t know what to do…I have a great career fantastic friends and family all who have encouraged us to work on thi ga because they see us and think we compliment each other well by our personalities, but they don’t know the emptiness of all the lies cheating and broken promises. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Hi ex works a a bank and breached policies and went into my personal files, she saw me trying on wedding dresses. He said he didn’t want to hurt me but he ik ew about all of it and let someone invade my personal life in more ways than one. It’s funny he said he didn’t think what he was doing was affecting us yet once I stopped he was up to having sex the way he did when we first started dating. He wants me to treat him a cartai. Way so he can feel good, but I cannot he hasn’t even made me feel like marrying him was the right decision. How am I supposed to make him feel good–especially when I don’t think he is a good person anymore? Just a childish selfish arrogant jerk.
J
My husband is cheating on me.. I don’t have proof that he has had sex with any of the women, although I do suspect he has.. But he definitely emotionally chests on me several times with several women. He just ended a 2 month emotional possibly sexual affair and has moved on already to another emotional affair. I don’t know what to do. I am 7 months pregnant with a little one at home as well. I could never do this to him. I tell him I love him all the te and how much I appreciate him… Yet he would rather text these other women. I believe he likes the chase and excitement he gets and then once he feels he got what he wanted from ghat person he moves on to another. I want to leave him.. I am just not sure when I will. I need more strength to leave which I do not have right now. I have only known about the cheating for s few months now but I suspect he has been doing this for years… I have asked him to go to counseling with me but he won’t. I think I will just go to counseling and get dome tools I need to have the strength to leave him.
I feel for all these people with sad stories! Seems like a real life soap opera. I myself haven’t caught my bf cheating, just talking once to a woman online, kind of explicitly and inviting her on skype to see each other, etc while I was away; after confronting him he erased that person from FB and skype… but left we with doubts about my trust. His excuse: that he was bored!
In my absence he talked to his ex, has all these women who talks to online on skype and erases his history… but says nothing would ever happen bc he loves me etc etc. And it makes me feel frustrated. On the one hand I love him and would never do anything to harm his feelings, I have dedicated myself to him… and on the other I see him as a flirt, esp behind my back. I’ve been cheated on in the past, so am being very conservative about this one. I think I may lack trust in general, but i would never lack it without proofs and serious reasons. Now he takes his phone with him in the bathroom, feels like hiding from me, and I am left unspoken. And he’s going to the Christmas office party alone, at a hotel (where a secretary that likes him will go as well).
I have a slight issue with Neuman’s reasons men cheat…my husband started cheating on me 1 1/2 months after our wedding day (as far as I could discover). Hardly enough time to feel unappreciated, distance in the marriage and dwingling sex…Until I discovered his multiple, long-term affairs I was the most happy, appreciative, supportive, maddly in love (still after 9 years) wife. I told him daily I loved him, I told him when I felt proud of him, I told him I was the luckiest woman in the world for having married him. Did I mention the amazing, crazy, mind-blowing sex?
Well…turns out, other women were (more) appreciative of him, (more) supportive, (more) maddly in love with him, (more) proud of him. As for the sex, since these were/are long-distance affairs (I mean long distance as in not-on-the-same-continent-distance), not sure how our sex-in-the-car, sex-in-the-park, sex-under-the-fireworks (etc) measured to their mere sexting dirty words…but maybe this is what he really longed for? Anyway, at every opportunity, he would turn to them to seek more, and always more. Me telling him I was proud of him for something he did was not enough. He needed THEM to be proud of him. Me telling him how much I was happy with him was not enough. He needed THEM to say how much they could wait to be with him again. Me telling him how much I appreciated everything he did for me was not enough. He would turn to them to make sure THEY appreciated him.
Anyway, you get the jist. I was there all along, HE decided this was not enough. He decided to give his love to other women. There is nothing more I could have done to “affair proof my marriage” (what a joke). He drained me emotionally. He certainly did not want to please me. He was to concentrated on pleasing them. And this is what he brought on to him: I am not appreciating him anymore, I cannot be proud of him anymore, I am not happy with him anymore. I cannot give him love anymore because other women provide him with plenty and my love for him, obviously does not rate. Sex? Why. It appears that their sexting is fulfiling. Toughtful gestures? Why. He prefers the ones that they do for him. He would prefer to wake up with one of them by his side instead of me. He would prefer to be celebrating Valentines Day with one of them instead of me. He thinks about them constantly. Hell, one of them even beat me to wishing him happy birthday (as she hoped!). So what am I in all this? The wife. As it was a disease.
The sad part is: I have a successful career of which he should be proud of. I have always been there for him, which he should appreciate. I am intelligent, pretty, faithful, committed, outgoing, active, with a great personality which at one point made him want to marry me no?. All his significant others are emotionally dependant, demanding (you want to talk about demanding wives? Talk about demanding mistresses!), high-maintenance, undereducated, not politically astute, unemployed (not sure if they even ever worked), alone, have no careers and do not even seem to have hobbies, believe all his lies but stick around because they have an eye on his (non-existent) wealth (he tells them that he has millions in contracts). They all ask for more and more from him. Vacations in high-end resorts, more calls, more time, more attention. There is no way I could ever compete against that.
Sorry this was long but it is out of my chest and I fell better.
Laurie:
Married 24 years, with children. Long history, but simply: How do I trust my husband again after he put up dating profiles and was caught and he is a traveling man most of the month? He has sent red flags from his travels to me, but I have no proof of any ongoing affair or one night stands…and we are in counseling. He gets fed up because I don’t trust him after several years and he wants to leave sometimes because he says he doesn’t make me happy and if I can’t trust him it will never work. He says his red flags were not flags and that I will look “for anything” to be a red flag. Some of his flags were not wearing his wedding ring on a trip, he stays out very late from his hotel room (work is over) and he says he has every right to stay out late to release energy and “have fun.” I tell him staying out that late and not taking me out when he returns is wrong. That he should not act like that as a married man and he says I am controlling and disagrees and says that if I trusted him, then it doesn’t matter how late he stays out or if at all. I don’t go out like that and he says “Go, I trust you.” He says he learned what he did was wrong and wants to be trusted. HIs job can’t change and he makes good money and it is a career as a pilot and we depend on his job and he says he loves it and won’t ever quit. Please help. This has been going on way too long and I am sad, depressed, lonely, and untrusting.
Dear laurie, i am 22 years old and about three months ago i found an ex boyfriend of mine. We havnt spoken are talked for about 8 years. But for some reason i have thought about him over the years and have never stopped living him. Even thought about hooking up with a boy that reminded me alot about him. Ive always loved him and for some reason thought that one day we would find eachother again because it was fate. I know i sound corney but its very true. So when we hung out for the first time it was like we never stopped talking and it was so easy the chemisrty was crazy. Each time we apent more and more time together the desire got stronger. Till finally we had sex. Which wouldnt be a problem but he has a gf that hes been seeing for 6 months. He told me a couple of times that he was going to break it off with her but didnt. Really thought she was gojng to leave him
When he told her about us but she wanted to work it out with him. He has told me his feelings about
Me n how much he loves me. And he wants to e single. But he wont break up with her bc he doesnt want to hurt her and hea close to her family. I just want to know your advice. Im madly in lice with him and we both desided to soend sometime apart n not talk. Its been a week today and i just still know hes the one for me. What should i do? And do you think im an idiot in live for believing him?
Hi, I’m Sunny, I’m 23 yrs old with 2 children with one on the way. I’ve been with my partner for only 2 yrs and throughout the 2 yrs he has cheated with countless women. Also, he has concieved another child during his cheating. With the pressure of the cheating,another baby(with another woman),parenting,pregnant, and working I eventually ended up having a nervous breakdown and hospitalized. My “partner” turned his back on me as well as our family. A couple monthds ago he decided to come back and make things work. He said he loved me n promised to never hurt me aggain. Of coarse I didn’t believe a damn thing he said but I gave it a try, for our kids sake. Since then he has been wonderful. Some days I pick arguments and bring up his past, which now he’s completely honest about, -ive tried to leave because I don’t trust him but he for the first time in 2 yrs won’t give up on uds. He always calling when he’s not around and he does anything to make me feel secure in our rrelationship. My question is, how can I learn to trust him again? I do love him so much, and I feel like this time he’s honestly doing the right thing. But because of his past its hard for me to let him in my heart again. I’m scared, what should I do!? Help
Dear Destini,
I’m sorry to hear your husband is cheating — or that you suspect he’s cheating — and you’re expecting another baby! Well, a new baby is often a cherished and exciting experience, but it can be stressful and scary, too.
I wrote this article for you:
Tips for Wives Who Don’t Trust Their Husbands
I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts here or there.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi, I’m a 22 year old with 3 children and recently found out I am expecting my fourth. My husband and I have been together for 5 years. We have had many (to count its around 15) situations with women (friends as he called them) which there is no way I could have male friends that close. As well as very close friend of mine that they say they never slept together but he’s lied so much I don’t know. Everything he has done I have caught him doing NEVER admitted anything. Well, the past year has went well and he seemed truly sorry as we’ve both blamed it on age and the fast commitment of my first pregnancy. Anyhow here the past oh I say month or two some of the same issues that made me notice the women in the past have been rising yet again and I’m not sure what to do we’ve had every problem you can think including porn and etc. Which like I said it’s been a while but recently he has been “checking” out other women, leaving without mentioning where he is going or when to return, and I have called with no answer. I don’t know what to do or how to approach him every time I have in the past it blew up into a huge fight. I’m lost and wondering if I should even stay with the trust being as it is?
Hi to all,
I read all the stories mentioned above, they are really made me think. In my counseling career I have handled many cases like these, and they are now happily married or in a healthy relationship.
Thanks and best of luck.
hello i am 38 and have been married 22 years last friday. a week before our anniversary i looked into some emails my husband was getting in his e-mail from dating web sites he insisted he did not reg for them so i looked into how to get his name off the mailing list just to find out he did set them up. he will not admit to setting them up but one of the profiles had info on him only me or him would know when i asked him about them he was really mad and hurtful said i didn’t know what i was talking about and that i was checking up on him like one of our kids. i have suspected him of cheating in the past about 5-6 times but had no proof other then finding certain items he says his brother gave him/or left in his truck.(and his brother would do things to split us up in the beginning so i would brush it off) but i have these feelings that come over me at times that somethings wrong and when i try and call him he will ether hang up on me or he will not answer saying later that he was asleep. i need my marriage to work because we still have 2 sons at home one 17 and one 14. he has taken me off all the bank accounts and has stoped me from spending any money other then the $400 i make each month and that is used for gro/gas. he has started criticizing my weight/house keeping skills and how i teach the kids (more then usual) how can i fix this and trust him again he has been my life from the time i was 16. he has taken down all the profiles on the dating sites as of our anniversary. but i worry because he travels most of the time and is only home 4 days a month.
help pleas
Dear S.P.,
There’s nothing you can do to change your husband. You’re not the reason he cheats — HE is the reason he cheats. Some men cheat on their wives because they have no morals and values. Neuman said that 12% of husbands cheat on their wives no matter what…and maybe your husband is one of those men.
You need to decide if you want to stay with an unfaithful man, or if you have the strength to leave your marriage. I can’t tell you what to do…but if he’s cheating on you and lying to you, I don’t think he’ll change to be the husband and father you deserve.
My heart goes out to you. I’m sorry your husband turned out this way.
Here’s an article that may help:
Should I Leave My Cheating Husband?
Let me know if you have other questions.
Blessings,
Laurie
hi
I have a big problem.My husband is unfaithful. I am pregnant and my husband had a 2 stories with 2 diffrent woman.
We never had a problem in sex. I pay enough ententtion to him. I cannot find any reason what keep my husbnad to keep touch and… with those woman, specialy one of them. My husband also lies very very much. plz someone tell me what can I do?
All they can focus on is cheating and once they’ve done the deed they’re all remorseful and devastated or they swear they were too drunk and can’t remember but why is it that while there trying to get the girl down the back yard there also trying to send you to bed and close the door so you don’t catch them. There so aware of setting up the cheating and spend all there effort in doing so but then they have no recollection of anything they did the next morning.
What I’ve realized is that I can forgive but our grandsons mum (who is his chosen target) has with drawn all contact between us and grandson and the person who is effected most by his cheating ways is a grandson who cherished spending evey weekend with us who now has no access to us and a mum and step dad who spend all their spare time on the computers playing games. Men should have been born without a p***s and we would all be so much happier.
Should you stay with your man if he cheats on you? I don’t think there’s a black and white, right or wrong answer. I know some women whose husbands cheated, and they rebuilt their marriage. Other women leave as soon as they find out. Different women have different reasons for staying or leaving.
Hi Janice,
Do you trust your boyfriend? It sounds like you suspect him of cheating on you…is that because he’s not trustworthy, or because you’re insecure?
I don’t know if he’s cheating or if you have anything to worry about, but I do believe women need to be their most secure, happy, fulfilled selves. The happier we are, the less fear and insecurity we feel about our husbands cheating.
I guess I’m saying that if you don’t have any real proof that he’s cheating, then you need to trust him when he says there’s nothing going on. And, you need to build up your self-confidence and self-esteem so that you’re a positive, happy, amazing woman — one who can withstand ANYTHING that happens to her!
I have a long steady relationship now and I am secure with it and believe that my boyfriend loves me more. But we have this quarrel lately about a girl who got crush on him and the girl did something effort just to keep in touch with my boyfriend because they were friends. My boyfriend told me that this girl is just nothing to him and all that he showed to her is just a plain friendship without any malice. I have also seen some pictures of them in group that this girl set closer to my boyfriend. What would be the best thing or the best realization that I should make in order for me to have a peace of mind?
Dear Gina,
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband, and being pregnant…that’s a really difficult situation.
Since you can’t change him and you can only change yourself, you need to figure out if you can live this way for the length of your marriage. Can you tolerate a man who cheats, lies, and doesn’t respect you? If not, then you need to tell him that you can’t live this way. Hopefully, he’ll decide that you’re more important than his emails and internet dating sites. But if he doesn’t, then you need to decide what you want to do with your life.
I encourage you to talk to a counselor in person, or someone you really trust, and figure out what you should do if your husband keeps cheating on you.
Again, I’m really sorry you’re going through this…but you don’t have to live with a man who cheats! You CAN take control of your life, but it takes courage and strength, my friend.
Let me know how you’re doing,
Laurie
i just got married in Many and now 6months pregnant. I keep finding him opening new email over and over. I know everything. I have my way of finding. But he keeps lying. What should I do when men lie over and over he is on alot of internet dating sites. Im so hurt and its killing me and I am only 26 and left everything for him and it kills me. Everytime I ask him he lies. Please help me
Hello Narinder,
Thanks for your kind invitation to offer advice on your blog! However, I can barely keep up with Quips and Tips, so I have to refuse. But I’m looking forward to swinging by your blog and seeing if you have any advice on why men cheat…
Thanks again for your note. Would you mind offering advice on my blog from time to time? As a marriage and family therapy counselor you will deal with problems such as adolescent behavior, depression, divorce and other marital problems, domestic violence, grief, infertility, infidelity and substance abuse.
Hello Tony,
Have you asked your wife what you can do to rebuild your marriage? That’s one of the best ways to recover and build a stronger marriage — listen to the betrayed partner and do what she thinks would help.
I also encourage you to initiate marriage counseling. Make an appointment with a couples therapist, and invite your wife to join you. Even if she doesn’t want to attend counseling, it’s important for you to figure out what you were looking for outside of your marriage. The more insight you have into “why men cheat” — why YOU strayed — the better equipped you’ll be to rebuild your marriage. A counselor can help you and your wife reconnect physically and emotionally.
You’re right that working out of town is an obstacle to rebuilding trust! Betrayed wives have a difficult time trusting even when their husbands work from home, much less out of town. You might consider a asking for a different position in your organization so you don’t have to travel as much — at least for the next year or so. Or, consider finding a new job. This may seem like a big deal, but it’s a small price to pay to save your marriage.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.
Oh — and try Mort Fertel’s marriage coaching program! He’s not a marriage counselor, but his coaching has helped hundreds of couples rebuild their lives together. The banner is at the end of my article (Why Men Cheat).
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie, I have been talking to a woman online and my wife has caught me doing so. I have never met this woman that I have been talking to, and never planned on actually doing so. Now, the problem with talking to this woman is that it had gotten to the point where I have asked for provacative pictures.
Now that I have told you the back story, of what has happened, I love my wife very much and want to fix this problem but I really don’t know where to start. I have completely cut ties with this woman that I have been talking to and I want to be a better husband for my wife. I also work out of town, which makes problems worse because I don’t think she will now have the ability to trust me again. I am not trying to pawn off the blame to my wife either, however I don’t feel like I am wanted at home, my wife doesn’t make advances towards me at all with the exception of wanting me to lay close to her in the bed. She is not comfortable with sex because of some background of bad encounters before me. However, when we were dating, she would make the advances, not me.
Anyways, I really want to make my wife realise that I am deeply in love with her, but I don’t know how to fix the damage that I have already done. Any help would be appreciated.
Thank you!
Dear Maike ~ I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend cheated on you, and that you’re now in such a difficult position! I don’t know if he’ll cheat again — and I bet he doesn’t know, either. It’s hard to rebuild trust after an affair. I encourage you both to go for couples counseling. I think that’s the best way to learn why he cheated on you, which will help prevent it from happening again.
Dear Lance ~ Repairing broken trust takes time and effort! That’s great that your wife can see the changes you’re making in your life. I think you should get counseling for yourself — I think she’ll respect that. And, counseling will help you figure out what you were missing in your relationship, what made you stray. This will help her trust you again, perhaps. Invite her for marriage counseling. Show her you’re serious about rebuilding your relationship.
I wish you all the best,
Laurie
Hi, i appreciate your insights, i have been unfaithful to my beautiful wife and son by visiting p*rn sites with chat rooms, we are busy with a ugly divorce and are separated recently. We have a 7 yr old son who loves us both and wants us back together. I know there is huge trust issues from her side, we both have agreed we still have feelings for each other and don,t really want to divorce. I have reasons why this has happened but not walking away from the fact that i have been unfaithful. I have realized now how much my family means to me and i desparately want them back, i am currently changing my lifestyles and also my priorities which she has agreed she can see. I do not know what to do and how to be around her as all i do is apologise and beg for forgiveness, somebody out there please help me !
Hello Laurie,
I am really happy that I found this webpage and everything about emotional cheating. I am 45 years old and I am together with my boyfriend for approx. 3 years. We daily write emails and skype messages or SMS, that is what we always did. We do have the same hobbies like riding a motor-bike, fitness, talking, reading, cinema – everything. There is no day where we are not laughing together or talking to each other. However we had also difficult times to go through, he met me while I was in a middle of a divorce, I have a now 12 years old boy and a dog and I am very successful in my profession. So we moved while he got a job offer to Switzerland from Germany and I gave up my job, which was my own wish. I thought it is easy to get a new one – it was not. So I started being dissatisfied and he tried to give me more courage to get through this. We lost a baby together right in the beginning of our relationship. So a lot of things happened. I was jealous why could affort to go for vacation and I could not. So he went alone with his parents and his son. But I also was not willing to take money from him. Last but not least all this took us 2 years and then finally I found a wonderful job. Before this I sometimes said I will leave him and Switzerland if I can not become successful again within my job career. Or by the way also the sexual interaction is unbelievable between the two of us.
In July this year he went for a business trip to Brazil and met a lady, where he found interesting and he wrote her, that he was really in danger with her afterwards. Then they started an email exchange for 2 months, which I found out by accident. He promised me to stop immediately and he said that has nothing to say. But he wrote her things, like, I am alive again – I am dreaming touching your hands and running along a beach and so on. He has sent her the pictures of his son, his bike, his car and hearts. He asked her to come to Switzerland to visit him. In paralell he kept writing that he loves me, we had wonderful days and also just normal days and also tough discussions from time- to time. Overall I thought we are really happy, he said to me, you are the love of my life.
Nevertheless he did not talk to the other girl about love, but he said he had to come to a decision. He said he thought about her everyday, while he was on vacation with me and our sons for two weeks every day.
Now I figured out on September the third and we had terrible times. I said I could never trust him again and I do not know what to do. I was crying so many tears..
Then he asked me that he wants to show me that he really loves only me and no one else and he asked me to marry him….
What shall I do now???? I really love this man with every piece of my heart, but can I trust him, not to do this again???
Thanks for your help.
As a man, I don’t agree with the findings of Gary Neuman. He, unfortunately, seems to lay the blame, by virtue of his conclusions, the reasons why we (men) cheat at the feet of women. I’d love to know where all these hundreds of cheating men he interviewed are from. Mars? Ladies, lets look at it this way, how many of these same men who told him they cheated for “emotional” reasons would say the same thing to their buddy or best friend if asked why they cheated? Were his subjects wearing a lie detector?
It’s simple, men cheat because we can and because we have a serious lack of penile control. I know men who are happily married and are cheating. Sure, the good doctor will say it’s impossible for a man to be happily married while cheating on his wife. Perhaps, he’s not aware of one of the main rules of cheating, “Happy Wife, Happy Life” give her no reason to suspect or believe that he is cheating.
My dear ladies, don’t beat upon yourselves thinking that you’re to be blamed for your husbands or boyfiend’s cheating ways. Men simply don’t communicate well enough. If a man has an issue in your relationship that weighs so heavily on his mind, why can’t he communicate that to you before he sets out and cheats? Why cheat and when caught start talking about not feeling appreciated, not feeling loved in his relationship etc?
You don’t deserve a cheating husband or boyfriend. Cheating is one of the most selfish acts one can display in a relationship. I have two young daughters, and I’ve vowed to tell and show them all I know about the dark, secrective, and deceptive world in which some of us men live. Education is one of the most potent tools a woman can employ to combat our cheating ways. Unfortunately, it’s in this department, I’ve found women lacking the most. Sure, when you love and trust a man, there are certain expectations of honesty and faithfulness, but sadly, that’s not always the case. Let me educate you ladies, send me a friend request on my facebook page, Allan Wesley, so you can be updated on the release of my upcoming book “Who Is The Man In Your Bed?” subtitled “What Men Do When You’re Not Looking”. In the interim, I wish you all the best in your relationships or your search for one.
Wow, I can see a lot of people on here are in a lot of pain. I don’t think there’s anything worse than being cheated on. I agree with Gary Neuman’s conclusions.
And it’s simply true: most women don’t have an understanding of men at all, and expect men to see things the way they do as women. Appreciation really, really goes a long way. Men have hardwired in their genes, a hunter mentality and they want to feel that someone is celebrating when they accomplish something or do something even small for their wife or girlfriend!
Hi Alison,
I agree; men don’t cheat just because of desire. As marriage counselor Gary Neuman says above, it’s got more to do with a lack of an emotional connecttion.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Wow, given the number of comments this is a subject really close to peoples’ heart. I must say I do agree with Gary Neuman. It’s to easy to say that men cheat simply because of sexual desire. There’s so much more than that. Often their wife is showing no affection, appreciation or respect at all and she still expects him to stay faithful. Well, that’s wrong too. I’m not saying it’s ok for men to have an affair whenever they feel they don’t get enough attention. What I’m trying to say is that you should always take a look at both sides of the story.
Dear Sarah,
I’m so sorry to hear about your relationship with your partner; it sounds like it’s been a difficult four years!
I’m not sure how you can build a loving, healthy, happy relationship with a man you can’t trust. And you have good reason not to trust him — he doesn’t respect or love you. He has some serious issues that compel him to lie and cheat, and I don’t know that they can be resolved with a promise to stay faithful.
I encourage you to get in-person support. Call a counselor, social worker, spiritual leader, or a women’s helpline. You need to talk to someone in person, who can help you figure why you’re in this relationship, if you should leave, and how you can let go.
It’s really, really important for you to figure out why you’re staying with a man who cheats on you, who you can’t trust, and who treats you like this.
And remember that no matter how unhealthy or difficult a relationship is, it’s really hard to leave. You’re not alone, my friend.
You need to weigh the short-term pain of moving on with the long-term pain of staying in this relationship. If he’s willing to go for couples counseling, then I encourage you to start immediately!
Please talk to someone who can give you objective, professional support. You’re already headed in the right direction — reaching out for help and sharing what you’ve been through — and now you need to surround yourself with resources that will give you the strength and courage you need.
In Letting Go of Someone You Love: 75 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart and Let Go of the Past, I offer practical, effective tips from psychologists, life coaches, counselors, and mediators for breaking up and moving on. It might help you.
I wish you all the best — and welcome you to come back anytime to update me on how you’re doing!
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi Laurie! My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years. Just before our first year anniv. I found out he was cheating on me. He denied it of course. we broke up but we got back together. He never admitted that he did but I still accepted him. Just few months after that, I got pregnant to our daughter, during my pregnancy, I found out he was cheating on me again. Not just with one but a few women. We ended the relationship but we kept communication bec I was pregnant. A couple of months after he came back to me and said he wanted me back. But again he never admitted that he cheated. I am 101% sure that he did bec I have proof of his affairs. It wasnt easy to just forget all about it especially when the person does not admit his faults. But I gave him another chance. A few months after that, I found out that he was still communicating with those women and exchanging pictures, sexy pictures, some a nude. We almost broke up. He tried to explain why and he said it’s just him. It has nothing to do with me. That it is how he is, he cant change it.That he easily gets weak and tempted and when he gets into that situation, he doesnt know what to do and he cant think right from wrong. we made an agreement that he will tell me whenever he is in that situation so i could help him. We moved to a different shortly after that incident. It was good for the both of us so we could start over again. First couple of months, I saw his efforts but after that he went back to the same person again. He cheated on me again, still communicating with the same women not to mention new women. I dont trust him anymore but i dont want to give up the relationship. I love him. Sometimes i would just keep quiet about the things I know bec I dont want us to fight which will lead again to break up. Here recently I found out he’s having an affair with an previous co-worker and a co-worker, two at the same time. i never told him i knew about it already but he could sense that there is something wrong with me. I tried to talk to him about us, that if he doesnt love me anymore he could just tell me so we both could move on so he can do what he wants to do withouth hurting me. But he never told me about the affair, he insisted that he’s not doing anything. The way he talked to me I feel like he is convinced that he is not doing anything wrong. How do I deal with this? I dont want to lose him but at the same time should I just accept that he is a womanizer/sex addict?
Please help. Im getting insane.