Why Men Cheat – It’s Not Because the Other Woman is Prettier

Marriage counselor Gary Neuman explains why men cheat – and it’s not because the other woman is sexier or smarter. He also offers tips on how to prevent cheating in relationships.

truth about cheatingIn The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent ItGary Neuman shares what he learned after interviewing dozens of men who cheated on their wives. It’s a fascinating look into why men cheat, and how to prevent an affair.

Neuman says women have a great deal of power in their marriages and relationships. Here are two interesting statistics about marital affairs, from Neuman’s book The Truth About Cheating:

  • 1 in 2.7 men will cheat, and most of their wives will never find about it.
  • 92% of men say that affairs aren’t primarily about sex.

Below is a summary of what Neuman told Oprah Winfrey about why men cheat.





Why Men Cheat – Insights From a Marriage Counselor

Neuman says men cheat because of:

  • Loneliness in their relationship or marriage.
  • Affirmation from “the other woman.”
  • Not enough attention at home.

The women men cheat with make them feel valued, secure, and appreciated. “Men love to win,” says Neuman. “If you want to make men feel secure, make them feel like they’re winning.” The husbands who had affairs said that they felt like they couldn’t win at home or in their marriage.

If you suspect an affair, read 5 Signs Your Husband is Cheating and Lying About It. It’s my most popular article on Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships (my other blog), which shows you that you’re not alone!

In The Truth About Cheating, Neuman reports the results of a survey of marriage, marital affairs, and cheating spouses. He surveyed hundreds of husbands and wives to determine the real reasons men cheat. Neuman wrote the book because he saw the overwhelming devastation that happens in families, children, and relatives when men cheat on their wives.

The Controversy in The Truth about Cheating

why men cheat on women

Why Do Men Cheat?

Oprah points out the controversy in this book: a lot of the onus for marital affairs seems to be on the women. “How come we have to be the ones to work it out or fix it?” she asks.

Neuman stresses that it’s not the wives’ fault and it’s not a blame game. He says that The Truth About Cheating is a book is about empowering women. “If you do certain things, you can lead your relationship to better place.”

Women think if they appreciate their partners or husbands too much, the men will stop doing wonderful or helpful things around the house or in the relationship. It’s just the opposite, says Neuman. Here’s more marriage advice from Neuman: the more you appreciate your husband, the more he’ll want to please you.

In fact, some marriage counselors believe that you should stay with a cheating husband. If you’re not sure what to do, read Is Your Marriage Over? 7 Signs Your Spouse is Leaving.

How Many Men Leave Their Wives For Prettier Women?

Almost none.

“I had a ton of mistresses, and none were prettier than my wife,” said one husband who cheated on his wife.

Neuman said that 88% of the men said that the other woman wasn’t better looking or in better shape than their wives. Remember that cheating on your spouse is NOT about sex.

Why Do Men Cheat on Women?

The number one reason why men cheat is that there’s an emotional disconnection in the relationship. Husbands or partners feel underappreciated, and report a lack of thoughtful gestures. They’re lonely in their marriages.

Men who cheat find women who make them feel alive, admired, and respected.

“Men are very emotional beings,” says Neuman. The stereotype is that men are unemotional beings, but Neuman says men are very emotional beings, they just express it differently.

Men want to feel like they’re pleasing their wives. If they get the message that they’re messing up, they feel insecure – and more likely to stray. Here’s Neuman’s marital advice to help you achieve your personal relationship goals: express how much you appreciate your spouse.

Most people find people to cheat with at work. A friendship or emotional relationship develops.

Some Husbands Will Cheat on Their Wives No Matter What

Neuman says that 12% of men will cheat no matter what the wife does. Neuman says that you know those cheating spouses because they have a lack of remorse, if he’s cavalier about it, there’s no way to heal the marriage.

Do Men Confess Their Affairs?

Only 7% told their wives without being asked that they had an affair. Neuman said that 55% of the men in his study still hadn’t told their wives about their affairs.

When wives do find out that men are having a marital affair, they know who the partner was cheating with. Usually, people talk about their romantic interests.

Signs to Look for Before He Cheats

Marriage cheating signs include:

  • Spend more time away from home
  • Less sex
  • Avoidance of contact (eg, he doesn’t answer his cell phone).
  • More critical of you

connect to love after men cheating on youThese signs of cheating in marriage are the same when he’s about to cheat, or when he’s already involved in a marital affair. Take Neuman’s marital advice if you want to achieve your relationship goals, and watch for these signs of cheating.

In Connect to Love: The Keys to Transforming Your RelationshipNeuman’s shares what he learned about love and marriage after interviewing more than five hundred women. The book is filled with surprising information about love, sex, and marriage – it has the power to change your relationship. When it comes to sexual intimacy, for instance, wives who are satisfied with their marriages have sex more than twice as frequently than those who are dissatisfied.

Do You Think Your Man is Cheating?

If you think he’s cheating, here are three ways to investigate…

“Go to cell phone records to find out whether he’s very involved with somebody,” says Neuman. “Put a GPS magnet on the bottom of his car, so you can see where his car has been. And, if you think he’s cheating but don’t believe what he says, ask him to take a lie detector test.”

“Lying in a relationship can be more hurtful than the affair itself – and it takes a lot to move past it,” said one woman whose husband cheated on her.

A final bit of marriage advice for men who cheat: “It’s best to come clean as early as possible,” says Neuman. “Be honest with your wife when you’re just beginning to get interested in someone else.”

An affair is definitely a warning sign of a bad relationship, but it doesn’t mean your relationship is over.

I welcome your thoughts on why men cheat, but I can’t offer advice or counseling. I hope your partner isn’t having an affair. If he is, I pray you have the strength to know what to do.

Blessings!

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Why Men Cheat - It's Not Because the Other Woman is Prettier
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Marriage counselor Gary Neuman explains why men cheat - and it's not because the other woman is sexier or smarter. He also offers tips on how to prevent cheating in relationships.

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Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
I'm a full-time freelance writer and blogger in Vancouver, BC. I created the "Quips and Tips" blog series; my degrees are in Education, Psychology, and Social Work. I welcome your comments below, but I don't give advice. I can offer you a prayer and a blessing, though! You'd be surprised how helpful a prayer can be....

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119 Responses

  1. Laurie says:

    Thank you for your thoughts on why men cheat! I hadn’t heard that particular analogy before, but it’s very creative. And sort of gross, which is how I see cheating to be, so it fits.

    I think they only way we’ll ever know for sure why a man cheats on his wife is if we have that man’s experience. Walk a mile in his shoes, that sort of thing. It’s so easy to judge and not understand as an outsider, but many of us who judge don’t know what it’s like to be in a struggling marriage.

  2. girl says:

    Cheating is like a dog getting fleas. Dogs will always have fleas. Foster or adopt a dog, a dog will get fleas. Even a pedigree dog in a mansion will get them. You can’t stop this from happening.

    When a dog gets fleas, you give it a flea bath and advantix over and over again. It stops the fleas from coming but ever so often, one will get on your dog.

    So if you can’t stop a dog from getting fleas, how can you stop a man from cheating/having an affair? You give him an emotional bath and prevent him from getting another woman and having an affair. He will see another woman ladies, he will, but at least you’ll know about it.

    You wouldn’t put the dog up for adoption over a couple of fleas, so why would you destroy your marriage over a couple of women? You fix it, again and again, until it become manageable.

    A dog is loyal to its master because they treat them right. You gotta treat your husbands right in order for his loyalty to grow. Fleas can’t kill that, but impatient owners and wives will.

  3. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Men cheat for a variety of reasons, and sometimes for no reason at all. Not feeling emotionally connected or physically intimate with their wives at home seems to be a common reason for cheating in marriage – and you don’t need a counselor to tell you that!

    My prayer for men who cheat, and for women who are devastated by the aftermath of cheating, is for healing in the marriage. You can reconnect even after you’ve cheated, if both spouses are willing to do the work it takes to rebuild your relationship. May you know if you should save your marriage, or walk away and start fresh. I pray for peace and faith, hope and joy – whatever you decide to do. Amen.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  4. frustrated says:

    Before marriage, we had sex a few times per day. Two months into our marriage it suddenly went to 1-2 times per month. I’ve talked about this for over 3 years. I try to be open about how I’m feeling about sex and what we can do… But I’m always turned down because she’s tired, it’s too early, tomorrow night, somebody called her, she’s got to shower. We have a son, but she doesn’t work or cook and I do the cleaning, laundry, yard work etc. I wake up about 3 hrs earlier than her to go to work too. Anyways, I used to sleep with a few girls at and around work and I’ve been testing boundaries and preparing to cheat without getting caught. I feel bad, but comunication has failed on this and I want to keep the marriage because of my son.

  5. Tina Chellis says:

    My husband of 28 years who was older than me left me for an unattractive older woman who is and was the polar opposite of me. We had 4 kids and 3 grand babies at the time we adored. He was a porn addict constantly into women who look like “goddesses” yet has an affair with what he described in his own words to me ” an unattractive woman but I need her money to pay your alimony.” I’ll never understand it but did meet the greatest man I’ve ever know through it all. The signs of an affair listed in this article are spot on. He never put his cell phone down and I never distrusted him because I never saw it coming.

  6. Sherry says:

    Reading this stuff really makes me crazy. I would never want to sit with this counsellor just based on his comments about why men cheat or women for that matter! People cheat because they have a character flaw! they think the grass is greener on the other side and it will be for awhile until the problems you experienced with the partner you cheated on re-occur because they will. Until you look in the mirror and stop blaming a woman for not giving you what you want or expect. What are you giving her? I am a 52 year old woman and if I had a man who was thoughtful and thought about me trust me the sex would be amazing!! So tired of hearing why men cheat and what they are not getting at home. Mr. counsellor you really need to look at what you are putting out there!! Hopefully you don’t have a daughter because I am pretty sure she would be disappointed in her daddy’s advise when her husband cheats on her.

  7. Doreen says:

    Men cheat for different reasons. Some men just want to feel loved outside their marriage, and other men have other reasons for cheating. My husband cheated and blamed my weight for it.

  8. KC says:

    @Kingsley…what a man is supposed to do is be a man and sit down and have a conversation with his wife!!!! That’s part of the problem!!!! How would you feel if the roles were reversed and she had cheated on you?!

  9. Kingsley says:

    Different men cheat for different reasons. I cheated because my wife stopped being interested in sex after she had our children. What else is a man supposed to do, I feel terrible but I want to be healthy and active sexually.

  10. KC says:

    The man I was in love with cheated on me and I caught him. Of course he made it seem like I was the one messing around…go figure right? He did it because he didn’t care about my feelings or truly love me. Now since he sees that’s it over, he’s tried for the last 4 months to get me back. But it’s not happening, you don’t burn me the way he did and expect that we’ll ever get back together. I believe that’s just a part of someone’s make up man or a woman. I don’t think it’s all about, well men need sex more than women or women are emotional creatures. If two people are in a relationship and they aren’t happy they need to talk about what’s not working and either part ways or try to make it better. My grandmother was married to her late husband for 20 years and he truly loved her. Of course they had problems like every relationship does, but he didn’t cheat on her.

  11. Matt says:

    A man should take responsibility for his infidelity and work to overcome it. Yes, your wife may or may not have turned her back on an aspect of your relationship that is important to you. However, it’s on you to work your way constructively to see that your needs are met. Cheating is not constructive.

    And it’s deceitful, selfish, and a whole host of negative and ugly things that lessons who you are as a person and what you’re attempting to be as a person.

    I don’t think any of the reasons a man cheats, in this article or in the posts below, are “wrong”. I just don’t see them as adequate justification. I cheated on my wife and empathize with many of the things expressed here as possible reasons. Cheating, however, doesn’t match up with what kind of man I want to be and what kind of person I actually am.

    There’s no way around that in my mind.

  12. Anon says:

    I agree, John. I would phrase it a bit more strongly though. After all, we don’t say that someone’s failing to meet their partner’s desire for fidelity. They’re cheating, stealing, lying. Those are strong words, that strongly assign blame. One can fail for any number of reasons, not always their own fault.

    If a woman shuts off sexually and doesn’t see it as a problem and doesn’t try to fix it, she’s not just failing to meet her husbands sexual needs. She’s cheating her husband out of his sex life. She stealing years of his life that could otherwise be satisfying. And the promise of being not just his wife, but his lover was a lie.

    Above, I say wife and husband, but it could just as easily be the husband who’s shut down and not meeting the wife’s sexual needs.

    Maybe some people cheat because they’re assholes, narcissists, psychopaths or whatever. Most of us are just human.

  13. Rebekah says:

    My husband had affair with Taiwanese waitress who worked near his office. He swears not sexual but there were so many absences he’s never accounted for and reasons at time (5) years ago didnt add up. I was having a hard time with two teens at time and felt very unsupported, he later admitted he felt he had lost control as head of house so was opting out and later moved out. I stay with him weekends now and we holiday together. He’s happier in his own place and I give him lots of living attention at weekends and cope with my daughter in the week. My faith (Christian) and kindness of female friends helped me through. Suicidal at one point but over it now and reasonably happy. Unfortunately left me with huge dislike of what i perceive as migrant gold diggers – the woman flirted so blatantly with him (I found the texts on his phone) Issues I still have to overcome still like trust too.

  14. Anon says:

    I don’t completely agree with all the reasons the author provided. I cheat simply because I want more variety in my sex life. During my teenage years, I always liked having a different variety of women in my life.

    I love my wife, but I’m not cheating because I want a connection with other women. I’m sleeping with other women because I am sexually adventurous. My wife fulfills me emotionally, she does everything a good wife should. I just want the physical stuff with my mistresses.

    We all have our different reasons to cheat, but I can assure you a lot of men cheat because they want to have sex with a beautiful sexy girl. It’s all a part of fulfilling our sexual fantasies.

  15. Loise says:

    My boyfriend of two years suddenly started to become mean and judgmental. He no longer stood my Shortcomings and would point them out even if he knew how much they would hurt me.
    This started when I was going through a phase of minor depression from other factors, non of which I told him about even when he asked. He even once told me how his pal(who he was cheating on me with) tells him that he has a big ego.
    As much as his cheating is not justified, I realized that I rarely appreciated him and his little deeds, something I knew used to make him feel good.

  16. Jess says:

    Women wear the trousers in the relationship a man won’t cheat.

    Conformity/ domination.

    Biology and evo- drives are unseen and easy excuses. If you’re brain dead and lap up anything!!! The former throw the latter excuse of male biology into the pan. We live like fishes in a sea of conformity. Ask yourself the answer what’s right in front of you. Is he an ass? Why’s he being an ass? No answer needed.

    Anyway don’t change for assholes or read articles telling you it’s right to.

  17. Jess says:

    Hm.. my boyfriend got meaner, stoppier, turned into an arse when I stopped ‘putting out’. Coincidentally the same time I became dependent on his salary. Was is that I stopped putting out? I thought so. I put out, didn’t change a thing!!
    No, it’s cos I lost my job and was dependent on him. Soon as i got my independence, the same paying job as him ( i’m 22 years younger than him and threatened to leave if he didn’t change back to the way he was and continue putting me on a pedestal). Men cheat because they can! and make excuses for that cheating for the same reason.

  18. Stefanie says:

    I am a member of a popular website for spouses looking to have affairs. I have personally talked to hundreds of men cheating or looking to cheat on their wives and I do NOT entirely agree with this article. The reason I hear most often is that men wanting the excitement, the butterflies, and the anticipation that comes along with NEW relationships…and new sex. Most do NOT want to leave their wives and especially do not want to be separated from their children. No, cheating is not right, but in the big picture of things, it just does not really seem like a big deal to me as long as the cheating spouse keeps the family intact and happy in the meantime.

  19. John says:

    There are exceptions to the rule – but the biological reality is that men need sex at a greater frequency than women do.

    For whatever reason, women tend to meet the frequency demands of men before getting married. But once married, women find less reason to have sex with their husbands. Unfortunately for women, a man’s sex drive does not “go away” once married. Men see sex as a means to solidify an emotional connection. To show love. But they also need it from a simple, biological standpoint. Thus, men can separate love and sex.

    Sex with another woman will not satisfy the emotional connection a man is looking for – but it can satisfy his biological needs. Typically a decent man will attempt to listen to the reasons for why his wife has decreased the frequency of sex. He will attempt to meet the demands of his wife (whether this means helping more with the kids, helping more around the house, being there more emotionally for his wife, etc.). The unfortunate reality is that most men are already doing their fair share of these things, but the wife apparently requires “more”. Ironically this results in the man pulling most, if not all of the weight in the marriage.

    Once this occurs, and sex (whether emotionally fulfilling or only biologically fulfilling), is still limited or inadequate – the man will feel that his wife is not living up to her end of the marriage. This places the man in a very hard spot. He doesn’t want to hurt her, or his family, or his marriage – but his wife is failing him. Is it really fair to expect that a husband should endure a wife that consistently fails him as a partner?

    At that point it is likely he will cheat.

  20. G-gyrl 76 says:

    Found out my boyfriend is cheating AGAIN. I am so over it and good riddens. Woo-Wee looking forward to not having a man in my life and just taking care of me and my babies.

  21. kerri says:

    Emma , I read your concerns dont waste one more hour or minute with the loser, just dont, you have a career, as you say looks intelligence, move on, and meet that man of your dreams who will appreciate you..I hope you have done this…:)

  22. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    What scares me most about men cheating on women is that alot of wives have no idea their husbands are cheating. Is it because they don’t see what’s in front of them, because they don’t want to see it, or because their husbands are so “good” at cheating on them?

    I’m less worried about why men cheat, and more worried about not knowing. I don’t think my husband would cheat, but neither do any wives whose husbands cheat…

  23. Lia says:

    Wow! Men find ways to make excuses for all men to cheat. Clearly if a man isn’t happy in his relationship, he should just end it and save his partner the pain and suffering instead of lying and cheating just to satisfy his own needs. It’s selfish and unhealthy! Besides karmas a b*tch and so is he if he can’t bean enough to be honest. If you love someone you have to communicate with that person. You try to work your problems out. If there is nothing to work out, then end it! Simple as that. Nobody’s perfect but when you lie your just adding more fuel to the fire eventually you will get burnt! Don’t allow yourself to get cheated on, nor cheat yourself ouy of your own happiness.

  24. Hayley says:

    Why do men cheat? (Or women).. because they assume they can get away with it in a culture that allows it.

    Culture, upbringing and how that culture punishes or admonishes cheating, determines the amount of cheating. If there’s no set boundaries, men and women can and will cheat. It’s just whether it’s found out.

    Women – kKnow what you’re getting into… A guy way above your league is probably going to at least enjoy getting a lot of attention from other women, even if he doesn’t cheat.
    An older guy who picked you up from school/ college when you were super young (like 16), and he was won’t be looking past a sell by date or into lasting attributes of your personality. Same with any guy with a player history. If he sees women, no matter what as 2 dimensional, then his interest and the relationship won’t be 3D. Know them all by type.

    Of course, cheaters don’t mean that the relationship or that person is bad. They can be faithful, never stray as a look at another girl – but beat you around and treat you like crap. Conversely, you can both cheat, but have an otherwise perfect relationship. Be honest. Both of you have to want to commit to the relationship.

    A maintained relationship is about communication. That’s so true, whether it’s cheating, or the love is fading or you’re just gettin on each other’s nerves. Communicate, that’s how you maintain it.

  25. t says:

    Most men cheat because they feel inadequate or not emotionally connected. Some women cheat for this very same reason.
    Rarely do people change permanently. It is in their nature to cheat and it is important to accept that.

    I find the only time a person understands is when you divorce them and take their assets, or make them pay high alimony, or if they are socially embarassed.

    But why reform that person? Just thank God u know and walk away.

  26. saane koloa says:

    Hi im saane and i am recently married..got married last year in August and i have two boys…We met through high school and til now we are finaly married and i think this has been 4 or 5 years now that we’ve been together…i have really depress moments with him and i cant help iit anymore he cheated on me so many times but i still forgive him for everything..now i just cant live with iit beacuse i think he is doing it again when he goes to course..i am only 20 and hes 19 we both young parents…i dont kno what to do at times beacuse we always arugue..its not the smae anymore and i dont feel him loving me so much..i miss him when hes away and i love him to bits is just that i dont kno if he has an affair with somebody else…i always have these problems with him but just cnt seem to fix it….i was happy withi him from the start and now i dont kno what to do please help me…not only that but i always try to commit sucide but i cant beacuse i love my kids..I just wish i kno where he goes kos we both dont have cellphones to contct each other…i want more advise to keep my marriage stronger..

    Thanks x

  27. Gloria says:

    Hi My name is Gloria,am a 21years old and have been in a strong relationship with a guy who is 27 from the age of 17,recently i found out he gets cosy with other girls and flirts on face book with each of them wishing he could have an intimate relationship with them.I confronted him once and he really i mean really got pissed off.So i keep quiet and decided to ignore and continue with life.Second he chats with my pals secretly and pretends that they are just saying hi and apparently the same pals don’t call me as often as they do call him.so i talked to a psychologist who told me to try and indulge him in a soft/non-confrontaional conversation but he still gets angry and later tells me he loves and all the sweet words.Later today i was invited for a cocktail party by a friend so we went,he started looking at the women around and finally settled for one,so when i went to say hi to a couple of friends and turned my head i found him flirting with the girl as close as 2inches away,so when i was going back i decided to let them talk.So he felt funny and stood up to add some more drink to his cup and texted me like ‘what the hell are you trying?’i was like i let u guys mingle in a honest way,so a few minutes later he called his male friend to chat me up,but i was not in the mood of chatting,so i sipped my drink slowly.After a few minutes he came and sat next to me asking me why my mood has changed blah blah blah.Later on i stood and went to add some drink and found the same girl seating at my spot and my boyfriend pretending to walk to the gents.I went and just smiled at him,little to notice that his male friend was there next to my boyfriend whispering to his ear that he got her number but i aint sure.so i made a joke to see his reaction.and said ooh you got her number,he burst into anger and started shouting at me in front of people and commanding me to say bye and we left.I was easy i dint take when we were driving home so when we got there,he just told me this relationship will never succeed,i still kept quite.We got into the house he is not talking to me.A few minutes later he receives a call and walks out to answer,when he got back i asked him who are you speaking to?he lies says no one then says you always think am lying i was talking to my friend at 2.00am.So now we are not talking to each other.I love him so much but it seems i don’t satisfy him.

  28. Kristie says:

    Virtualist2k- I’m sorry, but that’s horrible. What makes you think it is okay to cheat? Ugh, people like you just disgust me. No concern for other peoples feelings, no disreguard whatsoever. I’m only 14 and I have more sense than you.

  29. carrie says:

    Well my man cheated several times with several women.it hurt like hell and drove me insane.but.I rubbed his nose in it like the dog he was.I made him tell all family and friends the truth.even the fact that he got herpes…regretfully something I also have to live with now because of him.I also made sure most the women suffered.one he had to call her husband and inform the man that his wife was cheating …another wouldn’t answer her phone but when her mother did. I was. Inform her what a home wrecking slut she was and was sure to also inform the girls boyfriend of three years I then made sure to put my name first on everything he owns.and made sure his check was directly deposited in my account.that way if he wants to break my hear again ill break his wallet and his reputation.because of him I have some for the restrictions of my life for better or worse baby it your choice what they live once they screw you over.
    years.

  30. Virtualist2k says:

    A man doesn’t cheat on you because he doesn’t love you. Sometimes sex at home become routine and boring. Sometimes in my head I would wonder if I still got the fire. There are some fantasies you dont wanna do with the woman you really love, especially the mother of your children ;) .. its better experimented on other women you have no emotional attachment too. Plus after trying to talk her into few things and she’s not willing – best is to get a sidekick for reassurance. It just get really boring but damn its better to be a smart cheat and never let her know. She’ll never really trust you anymore even though she pretends to now trust. You will lick the wounds forever and wonder if its worth it. You know the risk but the temptation is so irresistible. Plan your moves well. My friend has a secret cellphone number he leaves at the office desk. I think that plan is perfect too so the other girls can only call working hours. So no sms goes to real life phone. I tried it but I’m mostly a work at home guy; so that method is not for me. Its so hard for me to cheat these days too; as I’m more homely and when we go out we go together so I can only look and can’t touch! :(

    Best excuse now is hanging out with my friends. SO proactive method is to send sms at intervals and make calls when you can before she starts calling you herself. And always let the girls know you got a woman you love at home — maybe that can reduce the emotional tension and stress when you about to dump them. Wife is precious woman never let her know. I’ll be f*cked up if she really get to know what I’ve done in the 5years. Probably knock down 5 to 10 other women yearly or say 1 new a month. And I do not wish to stop. But maybe when the kids are above 18 maybe a divorce will be appropriate and I remain single for the rest of my life. So back to bachelorhood. Or maybe we just really reminisce so much about our bachelor days and still wish we can have both worlds.

    I’ve had a woman told me the only reason she is not sleeping with me is because she knows my wife; that’s was nice flirt.. so her friends too want to get with you. And only few men would reject indecent proposals as it where.

  31. Maazia says:

    Dear Alisha.

    i would like to advice you on this. i had somewhat similar situation as yours. i am in a relationship with a guy for 4 years. we love each other like anything. before our relationship he was sort of a guy who loved donig sex adventures. yes he used to call this as “ADVENTURE” so he did slept with few girls before we met. kept himself engaged with them for few months and use to have sex but that all he said was nothing but kind of thrill for him and he was never emotionally or mentally attached to anyone. then he met me and fell in love with me. his love started for me even though i did not get physical with him and yet our R/S begun to flourish. after some time we also got physical and it was out of pure love that we share that made us share our bodies too.i mean not the lust thing as for that he had other sources available.
    but in the begining years his ADVENTURE instinct was still alive and he slept with few random girls but good thing was he admitted that to me himself. he apologised and also asked me not to leave him as he cant survive without me and asked me to help him out to end this sex for just fun thing. Well as i love him and trust him and trust his love for me i didnt leave him because i understand here that some men do have this tendency to have sex with other women just for the heck of it or because of the strong sex instinct in them but that doesnt say that they love those women or are emotionally attached to them.
    well i worked it out with him and with my extra attention and love i finally made him to let go of other women.
    also i never kept on repeating or make him feel bad about what he did because he was sorry and wanted to improve. If someone is really sorry then he shouldnt be blame for it again and again. good thing that he realized that his adventure hurts me and i dont want this kind of thing in our r/s, and for him nothing is more important than my happiness.
    its been 3 years and he hasn’t gone to any other women for sex and i truly believe that he would not in the future as well.
    i read that your man also has apologized to you and asking you not to leave him and that he loves you then i think oyu should give him a chance. give him that feeling that you trust him with what he is saying and that now it is up to him to not let your trust go down. also help him out with this thing. it is human to do mistakes but as a partner you should forgive his mistake if he is promising to improve. Good Luck.

  32. Alisha says:

    I had been into a relationship for about more than 4years. our famiies knew about it and we were planned to get maried. I’m female,22, and he is 25. We both studied in the same college until e had to go to some other town for higher studies. we survived the long term relation for a year without any issues. He often came to meet me in my town. Everything was just so perfect. But I somehow came to know a few months later that he was in a physical relationship with some other girl in that town,for the past one year. And I had no idea about what was going on. I couldn’t even think of that. I trusted him blindly and he never made me feel unwanted. With each day, he showed me that his love for me was growing more intense.
    *we never got physical* as I had already asked him that I won’t be doing this before marriage. He never ever forced me for that. Instead he was also of the same opinion. But somehow,the conditions did made me cross my limits. We had a relation of kisses,somewhat more than that.*(You may say, we did everything other than just loosing the virginity)*.and that time too,he ased us to stop, as he didn’t want to be ‘used’ before marrage. he said he wanted to keep the excitement on.
    This thing really means a lot to me,and we both loved each other like hell. He did anything for me,He talked to me, even if he was with that girl, he never lost interest in me. And he had no attachment with that girl.
    and now when I know it all, he has left her, left his studies and came back come, changed his numbers, begged me to not to leave him, has apologized in front of my friends, family. And he says he would pay any damn cost to get me back. he is ready for any sacrifice, i abuse him, i insult him (as I was so shattered,broken)..he listened to that all calmly. He promises that he’ll never let me down again. and that, getting physical with that girl was just his MISTAKE,he couldn’t resist , we were in a long distance, that girl fell for him,she flirted with him and was easily accessible. so he says,that he flowed with the situations.Though they both were never so close,never talked too much,no romantic talks,no future promises,all they shared was sex. (*That girl already knew about me,and our relation,even then she fell in love with him,and now she says that he played with her but he never forced her, she readily accepted his offer. She wants him badly now and asks me to leave him. But he DOESN’T want to be with her,he just wants to be with me in any case.*)
    It has been like 6 months,he’s still begging me to come back. but sleeping with other girl is not a small thing for me too to forgive.
    1)Please suggest, what should I do? I know he loves me no doubt, but is it possible that men loose control so easily & sex is not a big deal for them? Should I give him another chance? or do boys get addicted to having sex somewhere else? Varied sex? Is there the possibility that he’s addicted to it?
    2)Will I be able to forget him? I mean my feelings for him had been so intense,& pure,I had never thought of anyone before.I wanted him to be the once and forever man. Will I be able to forget the relation (physical & emotional, which was my 1st time) ?
    3)If I think of forgiving him, will it be possible to let go all the dirty things,& the lies behind? will we be happy again?
    Please I need the guidance, no one helps me as they say, that its’ my life and I have to decide. But I can’t, and its ruining my health & career. Please suggest me in one direction. Thanks.

  33. Man With Heavy Stress says:

    Sounds like its have a pop at men forum. I, a man, looking for reasons why I cannot even get close to my wife to be intimate, think I have just found the answer after reading all your comments. When you really believe in something, you start to make it happen. No exception. Man or Woman. You think a man is cheating when he isn’t, by your thoughts and actions you will probably push him into that corner of cheating. Then he will 1try to keep it quiet or 2blame it on you. You pushed him. With men, once convinced his woman has cheated, he may then cheat himself may not be to get back at her, but to feel that he can still get his kicks. All this can be said with opposite roles. My brothers wife ran of a left him. So its not all about that men cheat woman can cheat to. Men don’t talk as much about when there woman cheats as much as women do about their man. That’s why you hear more about men cheating than woman.
    But this guy in this book seems like he has me figured out, apart from the fact that I have not cheated. Yes I have tried the back rub being more supportive taking our child off her hands even when I’m dead tired from working all day. Attempting and finally finishing the mountain like washing up. When all I want to do after being on my feet all day is sit down for 30minutes. I would like a reward for doing my part at the end of week or any time. A reward than she would enjoy which is being intimate with each other. This happens 4 times a year. So do you think its my thought if I end up cheating. I hope I never would. But finding a painless way off killing myself is even hardy than cheating. I would leave a wife and daughter behind if I cheated or if I died. If I cheat I can still give answers. If I die, the wife may know why. The daughter will have no father. The bottom line is that the stress of the relationship can build up so much that you need to relieve the stress before things go wrong. Stress builds up very quickly. Sex is a good stress reliever. It brings couples closer to. Holding it back from your spouse will just make matters worse. If she wants it do it. She will feel better, your life will be less stressed, and she will give you all sorts of beautiful comments. And. If he wants it, do it, he will love you more, he will do more to make sure you stay that way, (as the book says. But not in these words). Like I said. I’m a man. And it looks like you women are having these issues because your drawing them into you life.
    NOW FOR MY BLUNT ANALYSIS. The man cheats his way into getting what he wants. The woman cheats into getting what she wants. Both man and woman can be cheaters. Some men are better behaved than women. Some women are better behaved than men. You married the person your with to keep them happy. If you can’t keep them happy then maybe you shouldn’t be with them. Cheating will not make your spouse happy. If they cheated to get with you, what makes you think that when things are bad they won’t cheat on you. If they can do it once. Then can most likely do it again. And if you can’t keep up with the demands of your partner. Don’t be surprised if the look elsewhere. IT’S YOUR DUTY ON YOUR PART IF YOU WANT TO STAY WITH THE PERSON YOUR WITH. keep them happy.

  34. Jeanie says:

    Nowadays, you cannot trust your husband. I think every wife needs to monitor her husband. Hiring a detective is unaffordable. So I recommend you just use the mobile spy software or computer key logger programs to monitor your husband’s activity.

  35. jenny says:

    I agree we think men are not emotional because they don’t show it the way we do.
    Most husbands don’t go out looking for sex people….they build a emotion connection with this other woman first..now ask your self why? because you probably blame your man for everything,put him down,blow him off, sex is just sex to men nothing more and trust me its not sex he is yearning for its something lacking from the relationship but we women dont like to see what we did wrong(men and women cheat for the same reasons something is lacking) this is from experience being a cheater and being cheated on.

    Not saying its right to cheat but, just because men have sex when they cheat does not mean they cheat for sex.

    Also Most men are in denial about why they cheat because of society.

  36. sue says:

    when i meet my partner 3 years ago, he was so lovely but greek and having friends who had been in awful relationships with greek men i was reluctant to see him and explained why because i had been cheated on in the past and was totally devastated by it, he told me he was not that way inclined and would never do such a thing to me…i trusted him so much..our relationship was fantastic to start with,i was so in love with him and within months i gave up my rented house and moved in with him…i thought i had meet the perfect man and i wanted to make him happy..there was nothing i wouldnt do for him..we talked about marriage and did everything together…i couldnt have asked for a better man…then after a few months i started to realise he lied about stupid things to me and the lies escalulated into bigger ones and the relationship was not as strong but i kept working at it, then we were both not working and had to struggle finacially which was really tough….a year and a half into our relationship i found a job and at the time we nearly lost the house however i saved the house and paid the mortgage and the arrears which litually took up all my wages..I was working for 8 months when i started to become ill…i was totally exhausted from work and home life because he was not working and did little in the house, which meant i didnt get a break at weekends, we also had my son and his son living in the house…anyway to cut the story short he got a text from a woman telling him she was having dirty thoughts about him, i was numb !! i confronted him and he said it must be for his 18 year old son but i called the number and found he was e-mailing and texting an ex girlfriend who lives 200 miles away for the last 7 years on and off, they swapped dirty pictures, discussed meeting up for sex…i was devasted…so for the whole of my relationship he was cheating on me over the internet… i can express the pain inside me…i was torn to pieces…i spoke to the girl in question and she said she had no idea about me…he said she meant nothing and he did it because i was working and he was bored at home…..after many rows and tears i said i would give him another chance…that was 9 months ago and not one day had gone by were i dont still feel the pain..on top of that i received an e-mail from a another woman claiming she had sex last year in his car with him…i have also had major problems with his son who has stolen money from me and lied to his father about me trying to make me look like a horrible person, i have left a few times and come back and now i feel like im on the verge of a break down, i have become this person that is not me…i am happy one day and the next i am a wreck, i have slapped him across the face, i have thrown items across the room and this is not me…..he said the new woman claimig to have sex with him is made up, he said he is being set up and he doesnt know her….i am at the end of my wits….i am so sad and feel so betrayed….i gave up so much to be with him, i saved his house, i asked him to put my name on the mortgage and he said no…should i just leave ???

  37. Dawn says:

    I have a problem w/Dr. whats his names reasons on why men cheat. I don’t see any mention of him suggesting that these men be responsible for their actions. Cheating, obviously, isn’t the answer. If these men can take the time to cheat, why don’t they take the time to just communicate with their significant other? It’s really selfish and immature. So, it’s okay that they go elsewhere for validation that they are appreciated, but then it’s okay for them to not appreciate and neglect their wives? I’m not saying that it’s not normal to find other people attractive, or to be sexually attracted to them, but when someone acts on it, and uses lame excuses that their partner isn’t appreciating them, that’s ridiculous. Yes, maybe it’s true, but maybe the husband needs to step up and find out what’s going on in the marriage… maybe give your wife a nice back rub, flowers.. tell her you love her… and do it consistently. You get what you give. But to run off with another woman, will not help anyone. They’re just excuses. That’s all this so called “expert” on Oprah is doing… giving excuses for these men acting like immature, selfish jerks. Ladies… figure out a plan to get yourself out of a relationship with a selfish, unappreciative man. He will not change. He will tell you what you want to hear, just to keep things on even keel, while you’re sick to your stomach, upset every day, and have zero trust in his sorry ass.. which, by the way, you’re justified in feeling that way. Don’t blame yourself (unless you’re a real bitch and know you’re torturing him), he’s responsible for every action he partakes in. Put your foot down. Stand up for yourself, and leave. Unless you want to go through an entire lifetime of hell, and having your children watch it go down… you deserve better, and so do your kids. Make better choices next time when it comes to a man… not these selfish, instant-gratifying losers. Let him know you feel unappreciated, and leave.

  38. Jamie says:

    Hi,
    I’ve been married to my husband for a little over a year now, and been together for five. After being together for three years he ran into his ex one night. A week later she started to text and email him, innocent at first but it quickly turned sexual. He continued it for six months, I felt a change and pointed it out after four or five months. Instead of being honest he asked me to marry him and made it seem like the stress from work and asking me to marry him was why things were weird. I didn’t know what was going on but felt unsure about things. I accepted the marriage proposal bu he went back to the emailing texting and phone calls, sending pics back and forth etc. I tried to keep up our sex life but he wouldn’t be aroused by anything I tried…and I tried. We had a few blow outs the year of our engagement. Five weeks to our wedding I got an email from the ex telling me what had been going on up until the week prior. When confronted I wanted to call off the wedding. He had an emotional breakdown. Promised it was a mistake and he only wanted to be with me it was for the emotional boost…I don’t understand that because I made changes to
    my life to give him what he said he needed. Long story short he wanted to go to couselling and fix us. I still loved him, and believed him. We got married five weeks later.
    Fast fwd to today, he has not been going to the counsellor regularily he still goes but sporadically. He lies about the smallest things that make me wonder if he has a big lie. He gets defensive, doesn’t do the things or meets the expectations that he sets out for himself or the ones we create together. He let our first anniversary pass with no effort. I am ready to leave, but I feel like we haven’t given it the chance yet to be better than it was before all of this. I said if he wants to be single or with someone else I am willing to move on because I cannot be disrespected anymore. He says he is not cheating and only wants to be with me, and is willing to do what it takes, but it feels like words because he doesn’t do what it takes and I don’t k ow if I even do love him anymore. I don’t know what to do…I have a great career fantastic friends and family all who have encouraged us to work on thi ga because they see us and think we compliment each other well by our personalities, but they don’t know the emptiness of all the lies cheating and broken promises. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
    Hi ex works a a bank and breached policies and went into my personal files, she saw me trying on wedding dresses. He said he didn’t want to hurt me but he ik ew about all of it and let someone invade my personal life in more ways than one. It’s funny he said he didn’t think what he was doing was affecting us yet once I stopped he was up to having sex the way he did when we first started dating. He wants me to treat him a cartai. Way so he can feel good, but I cannot he hasn’t even made me feel like marrying him was the right decision. How am I supposed to make him feel good–especially when I don’t think he is a good person anymore? Just a childish selfish arrogant jerk.
    J

  39. Lost says:

    My husband is cheating on me.. I don’t have proof that he has had sex with any of the women, although I do suspect he has.. But he definitely emotionally chests on me several times with several women. He just ended a 2 month emotional possibly sexual affair and has moved on already to another emotional affair. I don’t know what to do. I am 7 months pregnant with a little one at home as well. I could never do this to him. I tell him I love him all the te and how much I appreciate him… Yet he would rather text these other women. I believe he likes the chase and excitement he gets and then once he feels he got what he wanted from ghat person he moves on to another. I want to leave him.. I am just not sure when I will. I need more strength to leave which I do not have right now. I have only known about the cheating for s few months now but I suspect he has been doing this for years… I have asked him to go to counseling with me but he won’t. I think I will just go to counseling and get dome tools I need to have the strength to leave him.

  40. Ema says:

    I feel for all these people with sad stories! Seems like a real life soap opera. I myself haven’t caught my bf cheating, just talking once to a woman online, kind of explicitly and inviting her on skype to see each other, etc while I was away; after confronting him he erased that person from FB and skype… but left we with doubts about my trust. His excuse: that he was bored!
    In my absence he talked to his ex, has all these women who talks to online on skype and erases his history… but says nothing would ever happen bc he loves me etc etc. And it makes me feel frustrated. On the one hand I love him and would never do anything to harm his feelings, I have dedicated myself to him… and on the other I see him as a flirt, esp behind my back. I’ve been cheated on in the past, so am being very conservative about this one. I think I may lack trust in general, but i would never lack it without proofs and serious reasons. Now he takes his phone with him in the bathroom, feels like hiding from me, and I am left unspoken. And he’s going to the Christmas office party alone, at a hotel (where a secretary that likes him will go as well).

  41. juliette says:

    I have a slight issue with Neuman’s reasons men cheat…my husband started cheating on me 1 1/2 months after our wedding day (as far as I could discover). Hardly enough time to feel unappreciated, distance in the marriage and dwingling sex…Until I discovered his multiple, long-term affairs I was the most happy, appreciative, supportive, maddly in love (still after 9 years) wife. I told him daily I loved him, I told him when I felt proud of him, I told him I was the luckiest woman in the world for having married him. Did I mention the amazing, crazy, mind-blowing sex?

    Well…turns out, other women were (more) appreciative of him, (more) supportive, (more) maddly in love with him, (more) proud of him. As for the sex, since these were/are long-distance affairs (I mean long distance as in not-on-the-same-continent-distance), not sure how our sex-in-the-car, sex-in-the-park, sex-under-the-fireworks (etc) measured to their mere sexting dirty words…but maybe this is what he really longed for? Anyway, at every opportunity, he would turn to them to seek more, and always more. Me telling him I was proud of him for something he did was not enough. He needed THEM to be proud of him. Me telling him how much I was happy with him was not enough. He needed THEM to say how much they could wait to be with him again. Me telling him how much I appreciated everything he did for me was not enough. He would turn to them to make sure THEY appreciated him.

    Anyway, you get the jist. I was there all along, HE decided this was not enough. He decided to give his love to other women. There is nothing more I could have done to “affair proof my marriage” (what a joke). He drained me emotionally. He certainly did not want to please me. He was to concentrated on pleasing them. And this is what he brought on to him: I am not appreciating him anymore, I cannot be proud of him anymore, I am not happy with him anymore. I cannot give him love anymore because other women provide him with plenty and my love for him, obviously does not rate. Sex? Why. It appears that their sexting is fulfiling. Toughtful gestures? Why. He prefers the ones that they do for him. He would prefer to wake up with one of them by his side instead of me. He would prefer to be celebrating Valentines Day with one of them instead of me. He thinks about them constantly. Hell, one of them even beat me to wishing him happy birthday (as she hoped!). So what am I in all this? The wife. As it was a disease.

    The sad part is: I have a successful career of which he should be proud of. I have always been there for him, which he should appreciate. I am intelligent, pretty, faithful, committed, outgoing, active, with a great personality which at one point made him want to marry me no?. All his significant others are emotionally dependant, demanding (you want to talk about demanding wives? Talk about demanding mistresses!), high-maintenance, undereducated, not politically astute, unemployed (not sure if they even ever worked), alone, have no careers and do not even seem to have hobbies, believe all his lies but stick around because they have an eye on his (non-existent) wealth (he tells them that he has millions in contracts). They all ask for more and more from him. Vacations in high-end resorts, more calls, more time, more attention. There is no way I could ever compete against that.

    Sorry this was long but it is out of my chest and I fell better.

  42. Nik says:

    Laurie:
    Married 24 years, with children. Long history, but simply: How do I trust my husband again after he put up dating profiles and was caught and he is a traveling man most of the month? He has sent red flags from his travels to me, but I have no proof of any ongoing affair or one night stands…and we are in counseling. He gets fed up because I don’t trust him after several years and he wants to leave sometimes because he says he doesn’t make me happy and if I can’t trust him it will never work. He says his red flags were not flags and that I will look “for anything” to be a red flag. Some of his flags were not wearing his wedding ring on a trip, he stays out very late from his hotel room (work is over) and he says he has every right to stay out late to release energy and “have fun.” I tell him staying out that late and not taking me out when he returns is wrong. That he should not act like that as a married man and he says I am controlling and disagrees and says that if I trusted him, then it doesn’t matter how late he stays out or if at all. I don’t go out like that and he says “Go, I trust you.” He says he learned what he did was wrong and wants to be trusted. HIs job can’t change and he makes good money and it is a career as a pilot and we depend on his job and he says he loves it and won’t ever quit. Please help. This has been going on way too long and I am sad, depressed, lonely, and untrusting.

  43. Sarah says:

    Dear laurie, i am 22 years old and about three months ago i found an ex boyfriend of mine. We havnt spoken are talked for about 8 years. But for some reason i have thought about him over the years and have never stopped living him. Even thought about hooking up with a boy that reminded me alot about him. Ive always loved him and for some reason thought that one day we would find eachother again because it was fate. I know i sound corney but its very true. So when we hung out for the first time it was like we never stopped talking and it was so easy the chemisrty was crazy. Each time we apent more and more time together the desire got stronger. Till finally we had sex. Which wouldnt be a problem but he has a gf that hes been seeing for 6 months. He told me a couple of times that he was going to break it off with her but didnt. Really thought she was gojng to leave him
    When he told her about us but she wanted to work it out with him. He has told me his feelings about
    Me n how much he loves me. And he wants to e single. But he wont break up with her bc he doesnt want to hurt her and hea close to her family. I just want to know your advice. Im madly in lice with him and we both desided to soend sometime apart n not talk. Its been a week today and i just still know hes the one for me. What should i do? And do you think im an idiot in live for believing him?

  44. Sunny says:

    Hi, I’m Sunny, I’m 23 yrs old with 2 children with one on the way. I’ve been with my partner for only 2 yrs and throughout the 2 yrs he has cheated with countless women. Also, he has concieved another child during his cheating. With the pressure of the cheating,another baby(with another woman),parenting,pregnant, and working I eventually ended up having a nervous breakdown and hospitalized. My “partner” turned his back on me as well as our family. A couple monthds ago he decided to come back and make things work. He said he loved me n promised to never hurt me aggain. Of coarse I didn’t believe a damn thing he said but I gave it a try, for our kids sake. Since then he has been wonderful. Some days I pick arguments and bring up his past, which now he’s completely honest about, -ive tried to leave because I don’t trust him but he for the first time in 2 yrs won’t give up on uds. He always calling when he’s not around and he does anything to make me feel secure in our rrelationship. My question is, how can I learn to trust him again? I do love him so much, and I feel like this time he’s honestly doing the right thing. But because of his past its hard for me to let him in my heart again. I’m scared, what should I do!? Help

  45. Dear Destini,

    I’m sorry to hear your husband is cheating — or that you suspect he’s cheating — and you’re expecting another baby! Well, a new baby is often a cherished and exciting experience, but it can be stressful and scary, too.

    I wrote this article for you:

    Tips for Wives Who Don’t Trust Their Husbands

    I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts here or there.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  46. Destini says:

    Hi, I’m a 22 year old with 3 children and recently found out I am expecting my fourth. My husband and I have been together for 5 years. We have had many (to count its around 15) situations with women (friends as he called them) which there is no way I could have male friends that close. As well as very close friend of mine that they say they never slept together but he’s lied so much I don’t know. Everything he has done I have caught him doing NEVER admitted anything. Well, the past year has went well and he seemed truly sorry as we’ve both blamed it on age and the fast commitment of my first pregnancy. Anyhow here the past oh I say month or two some of the same issues that made me notice the women in the past have been rising yet again and I’m not sure what to do we’ve had every problem you can think including porn and etc. Which like I said it’s been a while but recently he has been “checking” out other women, leaving without mentioning where he is going or when to return, and I have called with no answer. I don’t know what to do or how to approach him every time I have in the past it blew up into a huge fight. I’m lost and wondering if I should even stay with the trust being as it is?

  47. Vanessalee says:

    Hi to all,
    I read all the stories mentioned above, they are really made me think. In my counseling career I have handled many cases like these, and they are now happily married or in a healthy relationship.
    Thanks and best of luck.

  48. Rachel says:

    hello i am 38 and have been married 22 years last friday. a week before our anniversary i looked into some emails my husband was getting in his e-mail from dating web sites he insisted he did not reg for them so i looked into how to get his name off the mailing list just to find out he did set them up. he will not admit to setting them up but one of the profiles had info on him only me or him would know when i asked him about them he was really mad and hurtful said i didn’t know what i was talking about and that i was checking up on him like one of our kids. i have suspected him of cheating in the past about 5-6 times but had no proof other then finding certain items he says his brother gave him/or left in his truck.(and his brother would do things to split us up in the beginning so i would brush it off) but i have these feelings that come over me at times that somethings wrong and when i try and call him he will ether hang up on me or he will not answer saying later that he was asleep. i need my marriage to work because we still have 2 sons at home one 17 and one 14. he has taken me off all the bank accounts and has stoped me from spending any money other then the $400 i make each month and that is used for gro/gas. he has started criticizing my weight/house keeping skills and how i teach the kids (more then usual) how can i fix this and trust him again he has been my life from the time i was 16. he has taken down all the profiles on the dating sites as of our anniversary. but i worry because he travels most of the time and is only home 4 days a month.

    help pleas

  49. Dear S.P.,

    There’s nothing you can do to change your husband. You’re not the reason he cheats — HE is the reason he cheats. Some men cheat on their wives because they have no morals and values. Neuman said that 12% of husbands cheat on their wives no matter what…and maybe your husband is one of those men.

    You need to decide if you want to stay with an unfaithful man, or if you have the strength to leave your marriage. I can’t tell you what to do…but if he’s cheating on you and lying to you, I don’t think he’ll change to be the husband and father you deserve.

    My heart goes out to you. I’m sorry your husband turned out this way.

    Here’s an article that may help:

    Should I Leave My Cheating Husband?

    Let me know if you have other questions.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  50. S.P says:

    hi
    I have a big problem.My husband is unfaithful. I am pregnant and my husband had a 2 stories with 2 diffrent woman.
    We never had a problem in sex. I pay enough ententtion to him. I cannot find any reason what keep my husbnad to keep touch and… with those woman, specialy one of them. My husband also lies very very much. plz someone tell me what can I do?

  51. Devastated little boy says:

    All they can focus on is cheating and once they’ve done the deed they’re all remorseful and devastated or they swear they were too drunk and can’t remember but why is it that while there trying to get the girl down the back yard there also trying to send you to bed and close the door so you don’t catch them. There so aware of setting up the cheating and spend all there effort in doing so but then they have no recollection of anything they did the next morning.

    What I’ve realized is that I can forgive but our grandsons mum (who is his chosen target) has with drawn all contact between us and grandson and the person who is effected most by his cheating ways is a grandson who cherished spending evey weekend with us who now has no access to us and a mum and step dad who spend all their spare time on the computers playing games. Men should have been born without a p***s and we would all be so much happier.

  52. Should you stay with your man if he cheats on you? I don’t think there’s a black and white, right or wrong answer. I know some women whose husbands cheated, and they rebuilt their marriage. Other women leave as soon as they find out. Different women have different reasons for staying or leaving.

  53. Hi Janice,

    Do you trust your boyfriend? It sounds like you suspect him of cheating on you…is that because he’s not trustworthy, or because you’re insecure?

    I don’t know if he’s cheating or if you have anything to worry about, but I do believe women need to be their most secure, happy, fulfilled selves. The happier we are, the less fear and insecurity we feel about our husbands cheating.

    I guess I’m saying that if you don’t have any real proof that he’s cheating, then you need to trust him when he says there’s nothing going on. And, you need to build up your self-confidence and self-esteem so that you’re a positive, happy, amazing woman — one who can withstand ANYTHING that happens to her!

  54. Janice says:

    I have a long steady relationship now and I am secure with it and believe that my boyfriend loves me more. But we have this quarrel lately about a girl who got crush on him and the girl did something effort just to keep in touch with my boyfriend because they were friends. My boyfriend told me that this girl is just nothing to him and all that he showed to her is just a plain friendship without any malice. I have also seen some pictures of them in group that this girl set closer to my boyfriend. What would be the best thing or the best realization that I should make in order for me to have a peace of mind?

  55. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Gina,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your husband, and being pregnant…that’s a really difficult situation.

    Since you can’t change him and you can only change yourself, you need to figure out if you can live this way for the length of your marriage. Can you tolerate a man who cheats, lies, and doesn’t respect you? If not, then you need to tell him that you can’t live this way. Hopefully, he’ll decide that you’re more important than his emails and internet dating sites. But if he doesn’t, then you need to decide what you want to do with your life.

    I encourage you to talk to a counselor in person, or someone you really trust, and figure out what you should do if your husband keeps cheating on you.

    Again, I’m really sorry you’re going through this…but you don’t have to live with a man who cheats! You CAN take control of your life, but it takes courage and strength, my friend.

    Let me know how you’re doing,
    Laurie

  56. GINA says:

    i just got married in Many and now 6months pregnant. I keep finding him opening new email over and over. I know everything. I have my way of finding. But he keeps lying. What should I do when men lie over and over he is on alot of internet dating sites. Im so hurt and its killing me and I am only 26 and left everything for him and it kills me. Everytime I ask him he lies. Please help me

  57. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hello Narinder,

    Thanks for your kind invitation to offer advice on your blog! However, I can barely keep up with Quips and Tips, so I have to refuse. But I’m looking forward to swinging by your blog and seeing if you have any advice on why men cheat…

  58. Narinder says:

    Thanks again for your note. Would you mind offering advice on my blog from time to time? As a marriage and family therapy counselor you will deal with problems such as adolescent behavior, depression, divorce and other marital problems, domestic violence, grief, infertility, infidelity and substance abuse.

  59. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hello Tony,

    Have you asked your wife what you can do to rebuild your marriage? That’s one of the best ways to recover and build a stronger marriage — listen to the betrayed partner and do what she thinks would help.

    I also encourage you to initiate marriage counseling. Make an appointment with a couples therapist, and invite your wife to join you. Even if she doesn’t want to attend counseling, it’s important for you to figure out what you were looking for outside of your marriage. The more insight you have into “why men cheat” — why YOU strayed — the better equipped you’ll be to rebuild your marriage. A counselor can help you and your wife reconnect physically and emotionally.

    You’re right that working out of town is an obstacle to rebuilding trust! Betrayed wives have a difficult time trusting even when their husbands work from home, much less out of town. You might consider a asking for a different position in your organization so you don’t have to travel as much — at least for the next year or so. Or, consider finding a new job. This may seem like a big deal, but it’s a small price to pay to save your marriage.

    I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.

    Oh — and try Mort Fertel’s marriage coaching program! He’s not a marriage counselor, but his coaching has helped hundreds of couples rebuild their lives together. The banner is at the end of my article (Why Men Cheat).

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  60. Tony says:

    Laurie, I have been talking to a woman online and my wife has caught me doing so. I have never met this woman that I have been talking to, and never planned on actually doing so. Now, the problem with talking to this woman is that it had gotten to the point where I have asked for provacative pictures.

    Now that I have told you the back story, of what has happened, I love my wife very much and want to fix this problem but I really don’t know where to start. I have completely cut ties with this woman that I have been talking to and I want to be a better husband for my wife. I also work out of town, which makes problems worse because I don’t think she will now have the ability to trust me again. I am not trying to pawn off the blame to my wife either, however I don’t feel like I am wanted at home, my wife doesn’t make advances towards me at all with the exception of wanting me to lay close to her in the bed. She is not comfortable with sex because of some background of bad encounters before me. However, when we were dating, she would make the advances, not me.

    Anyways, I really want to make my wife realise that I am deeply in love with her, but I don’t know how to fix the damage that I have already done. Any help would be appreciated.

    Thank you!

  61. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Maike ~ I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend cheated on you, and that you’re now in such a difficult position! I don’t know if he’ll cheat again — and I bet he doesn’t know, either. It’s hard to rebuild trust after an affair. I encourage you both to go for couples counseling. I think that’s the best way to learn why he cheated on you, which will help prevent it from happening again.

    Dear Lance ~ Repairing broken trust takes time and effort! That’s great that your wife can see the changes you’re making in your life. I think you should get counseling for yourself — I think she’ll respect that. And, counseling will help you figure out what you were missing in your relationship, what made you stray. This will help her trust you again, perhaps. Invite her for marriage counseling. Show her you’re serious about rebuilding your relationship.

    I wish you all the best,
    Laurie

  62. Lance says:

    Hi, i appreciate your insights, i have been unfaithful to my beautiful wife and son by visiting p*rn sites with chat rooms, we are busy with a ugly divorce and are separated recently. We have a 7 yr old son who loves us both and wants us back together. I know there is huge trust issues from her side, we both have agreed we still have feelings for each other and don,t really want to divorce. I have reasons why this has happened but not walking away from the fact that i have been unfaithful. I have realized now how much my family means to me and i desparately want them back, i am currently changing my lifestyles and also my priorities which she has agreed she can see. I do not know what to do and how to be around her as all i do is apologise and beg for forgiveness, somebody out there please help me !

  63. Maike Reuss says:

    Hello Laurie,

    I am really happy that I found this webpage and everything about emotional cheating. I am 45 years old and I am together with my boyfriend for approx. 3 years. We daily write emails and skype messages or SMS, that is what we always did. We do have the same hobbies like riding a motor-bike, fitness, talking, reading, cinema – everything. There is no day where we are not laughing together or talking to each other. However we had also difficult times to go through, he met me while I was in a middle of a divorce, I have a now 12 years old boy and a dog and I am very successful in my profession. So we moved while he got a job offer to Switzerland from Germany and I gave up my job, which was my own wish. I thought it is easy to get a new one – it was not. So I started being dissatisfied and he tried to give me more courage to get through this. We lost a baby together right in the beginning of our relationship. So a lot of things happened. I was jealous why could affort to go for vacation and I could not. So he went alone with his parents and his son. But I also was not willing to take money from him. Last but not least all this took us 2 years and then finally I found a wonderful job. Before this I sometimes said I will leave him and Switzerland if I can not become successful again within my job career. Or by the way also the sexual interaction is unbelievable between the two of us.

    In July this year he went for a business trip to Brazil and met a lady, where he found interesting and he wrote her, that he was really in danger with her afterwards. Then they started an email exchange for 2 months, which I found out by accident. He promised me to stop immediately and he said that has nothing to say. But he wrote her things, like, I am alive again – I am dreaming touching your hands and running along a beach and so on. He has sent her the pictures of his son, his bike, his car and hearts. He asked her to come to Switzerland to visit him. In paralell he kept writing that he loves me, we had wonderful days and also just normal days and also tough discussions from time- to time. Overall I thought we are really happy, he said to me, you are the love of my life.

    Nevertheless he did not talk to the other girl about love, but he said he had to come to a decision. He said he thought about her everyday, while he was on vacation with me and our sons for two weeks every day.

    Now I figured out on September the third and we had terrible times. I said I could never trust him again and I do not know what to do. I was crying so many tears..

    Then he asked me that he wants to show me that he really loves only me and no one else and he asked me to marry him….

    What shall I do now???? I really love this man with every piece of my heart, but can I trust him, not to do this again???

    Thanks for your help.

  64. Allan Wesley says:

    As a man, I don’t agree with the findings of Gary Neuman. He, unfortunately, seems to lay the blame, by virtue of his conclusions, the reasons why we (men) cheat at the feet of women. I’d love to know where all these hundreds of cheating men he interviewed are from. Mars? Ladies, lets look at it this way, how many of these same men who told him they cheated for “emotional” reasons would say the same thing to their buddy or best friend if asked why they cheated? Were his subjects wearing a lie detector?

    It’s simple, men cheat because we can and because we have a serious lack of penile control. I know men who are happily married and are cheating. Sure, the good doctor will say it’s impossible for a man to be happily married while cheating on his wife. Perhaps, he’s not aware of one of the main rules of cheating, “Happy Wife, Happy Life” give her no reason to suspect or believe that he is cheating.

    My dear ladies, don’t beat upon yourselves thinking that you’re to be blamed for your husbands or boyfiend’s cheating ways. Men simply don’t communicate well enough. If a man has an issue in your relationship that weighs so heavily on his mind, why can’t he communicate that to you before he sets out and cheats? Why cheat and when caught start talking about not feeling appreciated, not feeling loved in his relationship etc?

    You don’t deserve a cheating husband or boyfriend. Cheating is one of the most selfish acts one can display in a relationship. I have two young daughters, and I’ve vowed to tell and show them all I know about the dark, secrective, and deceptive world in which some of us men live. Education is one of the most potent tools a woman can employ to combat our cheating ways. Unfortunately, it’s in this department, I’ve found women lacking the most. Sure, when you love and trust a man, there are certain expectations of honesty and faithfulness, but sadly, that’s not always the case. Let me educate you ladies, send me a friend request on my facebook page, Allan Wesley, so you can be updated on the release of my upcoming book “Who Is The Man In Your Bed?” subtitled “What Men Do When You’re Not Looking”. In the interim, I wish you all the best in your relationships or your search for one.

  65. Renee says:

    Wow, I can see a lot of people on here are in a lot of pain. I don’t think there’s anything worse than being cheated on. I agree with Gary Neuman’s conclusions.

    And it’s simply true: most women don’t have an understanding of men at all, and expect men to see things the way they do as women. Appreciation really, really goes a long way. Men have hardwired in their genes, a hunter mentality and they want to feel that someone is celebrating when they accomplish something or do something even small for their wife or girlfriend!

  66. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Alison,

    I agree; men don’t cheat just because of desire. As marriage counselor Gary Neuman says above, it’s got more to do with a lack of an emotional connecttion.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

  67. Wow, given the number of comments this is a subject really close to peoples’ heart. I must say I do agree with Gary Neuman. It’s to easy to say that men cheat simply because of sexual desire. There’s so much more than that. Often their wife is showing no affection, appreciation or respect at all and she still expects him to stay faithful. Well, that’s wrong too. I’m not saying it’s ok for men to have an affair whenever they feel they don’t get enough attention. What I’m trying to say is that you should always take a look at both sides of the story.

  68. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Sarah,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your relationship with your partner; it sounds like it’s been a difficult four years!

    I’m not sure how you can build a loving, healthy, happy relationship with a man you can’t trust. And you have good reason not to trust him — he doesn’t respect or love you. He has some serious issues that compel him to lie and cheat, and I don’t know that they can be resolved with a promise to stay faithful.

    I encourage you to get in-person support. Call a counselor, social worker, spiritual leader, or a women’s helpline. You need to talk to someone in person, who can help you figure why you’re in this relationship, if you should leave, and how you can let go.

    It’s really, really important for you to figure out why you’re staying with a man who cheats on you, who you can’t trust, and who treats you like this.

    And remember that no matter how unhealthy or difficult a relationship is, it’s really hard to leave. You’re not alone, my friend.

    You need to weigh the short-term pain of moving on with the long-term pain of staying in this relationship. If he’s willing to go for couples counseling, then I encourage you to start immediately!

    Please talk to someone who can give you objective, professional support. You’re already headed in the right direction — reaching out for help and sharing what you’ve been through — and now you need to surround yourself with resources that will give you the strength and courage you need.

    In Letting Go of Someone You Love: 75 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart and Let Go of the Past, I offer practical, effective tips from psychologists, life coaches, counselors, and mediators for breaking up and moving on. It might help you.

    I wish you all the best — and welcome you to come back anytime to update me on how you’re doing!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  69. Sarah says:

    Hi Laurie! My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years. Just before our first year anniv. I found out he was cheating on me. He denied it of course. we broke up but we got back together. He never admitted that he did but I still accepted him. Just few months after that, I got pregnant to our daughter, during my pregnancy, I found out he was cheating on me again. Not just with one but a few women. We ended the relationship but we kept communication bec I was pregnant. A couple of months after he came back to me and said he wanted me back. But again he never admitted that he cheated. I am 101% sure that he did bec I have proof of his affairs. It wasnt easy to just forget all about it especially when the person does not admit his faults. But I gave him another chance. A few months after that, I found out that he was still communicating with those women and exchanging pictures, sexy pictures, some a nude. We almost broke up. He tried to explain why and he said it’s just him. It has nothing to do with me. That it is how he is, he cant change it.That he easily gets weak and tempted and when he gets into that situation, he doesnt know what to do and he cant think right from wrong. we made an agreement that he will tell me whenever he is in that situation so i could help him. We moved to a different shortly after that incident. It was good for the both of us so we could start over again. First couple of months, I saw his efforts but after that he went back to the same person again. He cheated on me again, still communicating with the same women not to mention new women. I dont trust him anymore but i dont want to give up the relationship. I love him. Sometimes i would just keep quiet about the things I know bec I dont want us to fight which will lead again to break up. Here recently I found out he’s having an affair with an previous co-worker and a co-worker, two at the same time. i never told him i knew about it already but he could sense that there is something wrong with me. I tried to talk to him about us, that if he doesnt love me anymore he could just tell me so we both could move on so he can do what he wants to do withouth hurting me. But he never told me about the affair, he insisted that he’s not doing anything. The way he talked to me I feel like he is convinced that he is not doing anything wrong. How do I deal with this? I dont want to lose him but at the same time should I just accept that he is a womanizer/sex addict?

    Please help. Im getting insane.

  70. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, xanadu! It sounds like you’ve been seriously hurt in the past…I’m sorry about that.

    I wouldn’t want to marry a celebrity! I quite like my quiet life of anonymity and peace. Though I guess it depends on the celebrity…if my husband was a celebrity, I’d stay married to him :-)

  71. san diego marriage counseling says:

    Thanks for sharing your experience — it’s so good to know that couples CAN survive infidelity, and even develop a stronger marriage because of it!

    It almost sounds like getting cancer: you’d never ever wish for it, but sometimes it makes your life better and more meaningful.

  72. xanadu says:

    * I’d sooner pay for a sperm donor and raise my own set of respectable kids (if they do happen to be boys they’ll be my contribution to society) than marry a man who calls me his “soulmate”/ “love of his life”/ “insert movie line of choice”. If pushed i’d rather marry a celebrity (wouldnt we all) because you know a whole lot more about them than you will a random man that you believe you’ve gotten to know over the years. At least tabloids cover faux passes, scandals, etc so with celebrities you know what to expect. Talk show interviews show their mannerisms and stances on issues. Movie choices show their business insight and how well they market themselves to obtain roles. By celebrities I don;t mean the likes of orlando bloom or some sweet face of the season (they’re not my taste). But yeah I’d sooner do the above.

  73. xanadu says:

    men like joey should stop directing a pity party towards himself and take ownership of his own life. leave the wife even if it leaves you in debt. make the right decision and not the self-serving one. If you are staying because of financial reasons don’t complain about the verbal abuse. Plus, you married her ffs. I mean either you jumped on it to quick (western marriages ftw) or maybe she changed (if so you could’ve confronted her or leave then).Another thing, I think wives/husbands should be allowed to express their disappointments in their partner. Eg if you didnt do something right then you should feel bad about it and do better next time. Why would you want to feel good about something you didn’t do right? There must be something causing your wife to be verbally abusive, maybe you are not a good enough husband in the sense that you are not attuned to her emotions (I’m not talking about the passive, generic “nice”) or maybe something you d/do not do has been bothering her for many years? Maybe it’s something difficult to discuss like a bedroom issue or whatever that she takes it out on you that way? maybe she was verbally abuse a lot as a child and as an adult she emulates the very behaviour that victimised her after a stressful trigger? Thinking “i am cheating soon” is irresponsible and cowardly. I speak as a person who suffers from panic and anxiety. Btw my mother is in your positions except instead of eczema it’s breast cancer and not once has she thought about cheating. What does that say? And this is why I have no faith in men.

  74. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Donna,

    I’m so sorry to hear not just that your husband cheated, but that he told you that she is his soulmate. That’s so heartbreaking to hear.

    I don’t know if you’re being a fool about your marriage, but I can see how much you love him. You want your marriage to work, and you’re willing to do anything it takes to save it. But, you have to remember that one spouse can’t save a marriage. How will you and your husband fight for your marriage, and put his affair behind you?

    I encourage you and him to sit down and figure out what it means to “fight for your marriage.” Does this mean marriage counseling? A marriage support group? Reading books like “Why Men Cheat” together? Spending more time as a couple?

    One of the best ways to save a marriage is to be clear about how you’ll reconnect and rebuild. Like achieving any goal, you need to be specific and strategic about getting where you need to be.

    Would you like me to write an article about specific ways to save your marriage? Let me know — I’d be happy to.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  75. Donna says:

    Hi Laurie, I discovered my husband had been having an affair with my best friend 3 months ago. They had been having an emotional/Physical affair for 9 months when I fouond out. It was stopped.. or so I thought. The Physical side happened again 6 weeks later, but the contact via phone continued to happen daily. My husband has moved out of home although comes home each night for dinner and to see kids and myself as he says he wants to work out our marriage although he is not in love with me like a husnad should be. He loves the other woman and I know that if we did not have children, he would probably leave me and go to her. He said he has found his soul mate with her. 3 weeks ago he made love to me and told me that we were going to be okay and not to rub it in this woman’s face. He was still going to have his struggles, but ultimatley he said we would be ok in the end. 4 days later I found out he ended it with her the same night we made love and he then made love to this other woman.. some goodbye hey? Anyway, still prepared to work on my marriage I am trying to put this behind me. He is now just on 3 weeks of no contact with this other woman and he is withdrawing. He is anxious and his body jerks andhe cries and he is with drawn from me. He is angry with the kids alot of the time, he falls asleep sitting on the couch at the drop of a hat. I love my husband so much and am willing to do what ever, althoughI will not share him with another woman again! Am I being a fool to still feel so positive about my marriage when clearly my husband is not in love with me and has found his soul mate with someone else. Someone who makes him happy and someone who he is so desperate to be with that he sobs for her. It breaks my heart to see it. I told him that his happiness means so much to me and that he can go to her and I and kids will be okay. He says that he is not prepared to give up on us and he will fight for us. Are these just words to keeo my hoopes up, or am I really just a fool of a wife who loves her imperfect husband so much?

  76. Viki S says:

    I am with that same kind of person. Always has a roving eye and numerous affairs in the ten years we have been together. Why cant I break away from this in fear of being alone because the way I was raised look the other way and stand by your man. He even did something awful suggesting sexual contact with my daughter by a piece of her clothing I caught him with. I hate him and he wont go away. He threatens me my family and my belongings.

  77. Rachel says:

    I was married to one of the “12% Who will cheat no matter what”. He also sexually abused my daughter when she was a toddler, and this did not come out until we moved to a new house. For the first time in 18 years..we are all at peace. To the rest of the world my ex is a popular, charismatic guy who flatters the women. To us he is a monster. But hey! enough about me. What I want to simply state here is…I think there is way too much pressure on people to have partners. We get into relationships thinking it is better than living alone. More now than in any other recorded time in history; women have power, can become a single parent without stigma, can raise healthy kids without a spouse. We don’t have to settle. When I was younger I thought the kids needed a father, that I needed a husband. I put up with a lot of terrible stuff because I thought it was better for the kids than the alternative. WRONG.

  78. Narda says:

    I just finished reading you comments regarding infidelity. As to the “Why Men Cheat?” issue, I have yet to see an answer to the riddle. My husband Mike, a corporate pilot engaged in multiple relationships with married women he meet on the friends with benefits sites. He also engaged in a lot of porn watching. All of this took place while he was away from home. His work put him takes him away from us for 5 to 6 days straight and home for 3 or 4 days. I married him knowing the life of a pilot. You see, I am a pilot. Due to the erratic nature of the aviation industry, we decided that we would continue his flying and I would find mare stable income in a non flying job. This has been my life for the past 20 years and on Feb. 22, 2008, my daughter found all of Mike’s unclosed email addresses and other web sites he had been looking at. For almost 12 years my husband had been keeping relationships with other women. When asked why? His answer to that question was,” he started looking for my replacement and then it was just a matter of the fact that he just could do it”. When he meet me I was an aspiring pilot with many friends, well traveled and very sure of myself. I learned a long time ago to accept who I was and to keep a balanced life. Come to find out, he hated me for it. His father, come to find out, was unfaithful to his mother and bragged about it to his sons. What a mess! In order to find help we went to counseling and it did help him. He has opened his eyes to his own faults and the pain his actions have caused to those around him. He had managed to turn off his taboos in order to justify all of his affairs. My life with the new world of sexting and internet sites has been a nightmare. I still have not found a book that deals with this new type of infidelity. The rules have changed. The free access to so many via the web has opened a Pandora’s Box. How to deal with the magnitude of his actions? He is trying to make things up to me. Has stopped all contact with other women (his choice) and spends more time calling me when out on flight rotation. I know he is trying but, the truth is, I really don’t want to stay with him anymore. The actions taken by him during all those years are just beyond my ability to forgive. I have tried to put things aside and work on recovery but, instead of feeling better, I find my feeling for him gone. How can I find a different way of dealing with the healing? Do I talk or not? More counseling? If I bring any of it up, Mike gets defensive or depressed. He would like for it to just go away so that we could move on. What about me?

  79. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Ruth,

    I think you know the answer to at least one of the questions you asked! He can’t cut off contact with the mother of his daughter — there’s no way to do that without cutting off contact with his daughter, which would be terrible for her. So, you need to accept that he has to have contact with the woman he cheated on his wife with.

    You could be with him at every visitation exchange, but how would you monitor their phone calls or email messages? And that’s what it would feel like — that you have to MONITOR their contact to make sure it’s all innocent and legitimate. This doesn’t make for a healthy, trusting relationship.

    There is no way you can be sure he’ll be faithful. I don’t think any wife or girlfriend can EVER be 100% sure her husband won’t cheat! There are no guarantees in life or relationships, my friend, no matter how wonderful the people in the relationship are.

    I don’t know how long you’ve been dating him, but I suggest you keep it at the dating level for at least one year. I understand that it’s intimate and exciting and passionate — but he’s made some bad choices in his past marriage, and he chose an unstable woman to cheat with.

    Yes, I think counseling is a great idea. It’s a positive sign that he’s willing to go to counseling with you — and I encourage you to take him up on it. My husband and I did premarital counseling, and it set a healthy, strong tone for our marriage (though we still have our sticky moments!).

    I wish you all the best, and hope you come back to let me know how things are going.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  80. Ruth says:

    I am dating a man who has cheated on his ex-wife. I am a very emotionally stable and successful woman in my 40s and do not need a man, I just want a man in my life. The problem is that this man had an affair and a child out of wedlock with a married woman. His wife left him and he ended the affair after his mistress refused to leave her marriage. He started it back up after she refused to allow him to see his daughter unless she continued the affair. He went through some deep soul searching before he met me. We actually met three years ago and he waited to call me til he was separated and alone. He wants to start over and he said that I am different than any other woman he has ever met. I believe the other women in his life were extremely insecure and unstable and have checked out my sources. The problem is that I want to believe that he would never cheat on me but the mistress he had the affair with WILL NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE. He ended it with her and says that it only happened once and that was when we first started dating. He has told all his family members that he wants no one else but me but he still talks to this woman regularly and says its only about his daughter. I set boundaries for him.. but how could I ever live with the thought that it could happen again. Is it possible for him to cut off contact with her completely when they have a daughter together? I know this sounds bad but everyone says he is a really good guy. His wife was terribly abusive and was even arrested.. she cut him down constantly. He had the affair after he discovered he had cancer and went into the hospital. How can I be sure that he will be faithful? Should I demand that he only contact her in writing? Take me with him for visitation exchanges. I want to believe him but I dont’ know what to do. I have been in love and had at least three other relationships (1 marriage) but have never had such an emotionally intimate relationship both mentally and physically with any man in my life and he says the same thing. What should I do? Counseling before I get in any deeper? He is willing to do anything and is desparate for me to give him a chance.

  81. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Mikko,

    Thanks for your comment! I visited your blog, but couldn’t find your conclusion about why men cheat. Would you mind sharing it here?

    Thanks,
    Laurie

  82. Mikko Kemppe - Relationship Coach says:

    I agree with many of Dr. Neuman’s conclusions for why men cheat. I also agree that there is no justifications for men cheating and each and all of us should take personal responsibility for our actions.

    However, I have come to a different conclusion for the primary reason for why men cheat. To see if you agree or disagree, visit the Relationship Journal.com.

  83. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Nic,

    Thanks for sharing your experience — it’s so good to know that couples CAN survive infidelity, and even develop a stronger marriage because of it!

    It almost sounds like getting cancer: you’d never ever wish for it, but sometimes it makes your life better and more meaningful.

    My friend’s husband cheated on her six years ago, and their marriage has never been better. It was a long process of healing and rebuilding trust, but they’re TIGHT now.

    Thanks again for sharing, and I wish you all the best in your marriage.

    Laurie

  84. Nic says:

    I recently found out my husband was having an emotional affair with someone he not only commuted to work with, but also a younger woman who introduced him to her religion and attended Kingdom Hall with.

    We have been married almost nine years and have two wonderful boys. Our marriage, for the first five years was good, but the last four were very hard with his completing school, changing jobs ever six months (his choice), moving and then finally forcing his new religion on our family and trying to change our lives. I reacted with resentment and anger. I was feeling completely alone in our marriage by then, but never once thought of finding comfort outside of our relationship. Although he accused me of cheating on him, he was the one having an affair.

    The warning signs are so true!! Coming home later and later, being very critical of everything I did, and cell phone records that were astounding!!! I had the evidence right in front of me, but since he knew I never checked the cell phone records, he felt safe calling her hour after hour and texting over 800 text messages a month – just to her. He would even be on the phone with her, accept my call, then go right back to talking with her. When they weren’t on the phone, they were texting each other. I feel so stupid for not having seen this earlier. He would share important, emotionally charged information with her before he even thought of me. I was always last on the list to find anything out, if at all.

    I think the one thing that hurts me most is that he was more involved with her, as I am struggling with health issues, and not only did I not have his support, but that on my birthday, while I was very ill, he sent her an email(from a secret account) telling her he was thinking about her constantly, and that he fell in love with her.

    I have cried so many days and night since finding out. It’s been almost a month, but feels more like a year. There isn’t a day that goes by where paranoia doesn’t creep in or where I feel somewhat depressed, hurt, betrayed, angry or just tired. It’s getting better, and having my husband talk through my emotions with me has brought us closer as we solve the riddle of what brought us to this point.

    He has admitted, after weeks, that he did have an affair, and has said all communication has been severed with her, and that he wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with me and will be here for me no matter what and would marry me again in a heartbeat. I want more than anything to trust him at his word, but both his actions and words have been nothing but a lie for so long; I’m struggling. I’m paranoid for the most part and check cell records online all the time, but there is still the issue of his work phone and blackberry to which he could use to contact her.

    When we discuss the issue, he says it really meant nothing to him and it was over – but her reply to his ending it was that it was her “Q to end her life”. Even if, as he says, he was never going to allow it to become physical and that it was definitely over for him, I don’t think it was that easy for her; but I don’t feel sorry for either one of them, as she was well aware he was married and had children and both of them should have never crossed that line. As hard as it is, I just have to believe that she is indeed out of our lives.

    We are seeing a marriage counselor and we are both very committed to saving out marriage. I just want to wake up one day and feel special again, and know that I can breathe without running to check his cell phone or the summary; that I can look at the man I married and know he is with me physically and emotionally.

    Fortunately, there is a silver lining, even in such a negative situation. We have grown closer, talk about a wide range of issues and topics that we would just fight over before, go on vacations with nary even a thought of a squabble, work through issues with respect and share intimacy in our communication once again. I always like to take something positive from something negative and I guess it took my husband, who is my heart and my center, to completely break our relationship and foundation down to nothing, so we could build back the beauty of trust, love, communication, loyalty and genuine affection for each other as well as ourselves and have a much stronger and wonderful marriage in the end.

    If you can survive the effects of infidelity, no matter what type, then there is really nothing out there which can tear you apart.

  85. Laurie PK says:

    Lisa, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Not trusting your husband, and those feelings of betrayal and suspicion, are so hard to live with.

    And, after 17 years together, and three kids! It’s heartbreaking. I’m glad you’re in counseling together.

    One of my friends’ husbands cheated on her, and they’ve rebuilt their marriage into a stronger, happier relationhip. It took a couple years to really trust him again, and they do have “systems” in place (eg, he calls her regularly when he’s out of town on business).

    Cheating tears at the fabric of marriage and changes how partners feel about each other — but it doesn’t have to rip relationships apart. Surviving an affair depends on so many things: the reasons for the betrayal, the personalities of the husband and wife, the married couple’s plan for the future, whether kids are involved.

    Lisa, I think you should be honest with him — get it out in the open. I don’t think you should keep checking up on him, because it’s killing your spirit and deadening your soul! Why should you have to monitor his behavior? You have your life and kids to take care of.

    Your husband needs to decide if he’s in or out of your marriage.

    I’d haul him into the counselor’s office and confront him there about what you’ve found. I’d ask for the counselor’s advice on the next step: does he move out until he decides if he’s committed to you or wants to explore another life? When he’s fully, 100% ready to rebuild your marriage, then you can work together. Until then, he’s just lying to you.

    To be fair, losing a job is a terrible experience for many men – it can wreak havoc on their self-confidence and self-image. It’s a difficult situation — but he needs to deal with his life in ways that don’t tear apart his family. He should not be playing around with dating websites and sending pictures to women.

    What’s your next step? And again, my heart goes out to you.

    All best,
    Laurie

  86. Laurie PK says:

    Med, thanks for sharing your life here — it takes alot of guts to talk about why you cheated, and how much pain it causes! I value your input.

    First, I think you need to stop seeing the other woman. Both you and she need to focus on the marriages you’re in. You chose to marry your partners, and you owe it to them (and yourselves) to focus on rebuilding your marriage.

    Second, I suggest you talk to someone in person regarding how to rebuild your marriage. Should you tell your wife that you cheated? I don’t know. It depends on your specific circumstances. Some counselors recommend talking about infidelity, while others don’t see the point.

    If my husband cheated, I’d want to know! But, you need to decide one way or another….and put your marriage first.

    If you’re planning to stay married, but still be obsessed about the other woman, then you might as well leave your wife. It’s not fair to her, and it’s not right.

    Finally, remember that there’s a bit of a “ho hum” routine to being married — and a misplaced spark of excitement to be with someone new. Your other woman may not be the only who’s really making you feel special….it may be the thrill of being with someone new. All relationships are exciting at first, and most settle down into a comfortable way of being together (couples can’t sustain the high for years!). So, even if you left your wife for the other woman, the thrill of that relationship may also subside.

    The bottom line is that you need to decide who you’re committed to: your wife or the other woman. Then, you need to act in ways that show that committment. Otherwise, you’re leading a terrible double life.

    What do you think of this? (And if anyone else has any tips or advice, you’re welcome to share your thoughts!)

    All best,
    Laurie

  87. Laurie PK says:

    Jill, your idea of relating to your husband and your own suspicions from a different place is a great idea!

    Now, the trick is getting to that different place :-)

    You’re right: you can’t necessarily forget what he did, but you do have to let it go. It happened, he feels terrible, and he doesn’t want to be constantly reminded of how he betrayed you. Your situation seems like it could be a self-fulfilling prophecy: if you keep distrusting him and believing that he will cheat, then he’s morely likely to go ahead and do it.

    But, if you treat him like a loving, trusting, faithful husband, then he’s more likely to act that way.

    I’m NOT saying you’re responsible for his behavior. It’s just that people usually live up (or down) to our expectations…and you don’t want to set your marriage up for failure.

    I suggest you focus less on what he’s doing, and more on YOUR life. Build your own levels of self-confidence, independence, and happiness. Find your own source of peace and happiness, and work to nurture it. Become the woman you’ve always wanted to be – a woman you admire, respect, and like. Stop driving yourself crazy, and start being healthy! Being a healthy, strong, capable woman who is able to handle anything life brings will improve all your relationships — and keep you sane.

    Read books like Gary Neuman’s, find a support group, talk to other wives whose husbands cheated, go back to school, get a new job — do whatever it takes to find yourself and make yourself whole.

    What do you think? (And if anyone else has any tips or advice, you’re welcome to share your thoughts!)

    All best,
    Laurie

  88. Lisa says:

    I think my husband is trying to cheat on me. He lost his job back in April and we have had some problems that we are currently receiving counseling on. Back in the beginning of June I found that he was going on a sex-dating website, recruiting women. He doesn’t know it, but I have access to both the sex site and his personal email. When I approached him about the website, he apologized and said he was sorry and that he was embarrassed. I told him I would not tolerate it. He cancelled the membership in front of my eyes and told me he wouldn’t do it again and that he knew it was wrong. I even brought it up at our counseling session and he reassured me and the counselor that he would not pursue. However, I went on the site on 6/11 and found that he did contact this girl after she had sent him a message. He did say that coming to the site was wrong and thanked her for showing some interest so that he doesn’t feel like such a loser. So I thought that was it. Then I discovered she sent him a message on his personal mail although I didn’t actually read it. I found out by being on the sex site. Now today I found that he sent his picture to someone that I know is this girl by her address. So now what? Do I keep checking up on him to see if he takes it any further or do I approach him and lose all chances of ever trusting him again. I think that if I let him know I saw the photo he’ll know I have acess to his account and I will lose any chance of gaining info. My husband is notorious for going to “the library” supposedly looking for a job. I am crushed. We have been married 17 years and we have three beautiful children….11 year old daughter and twin boy/girl 8 years old. I would have never thought my marriage would be like this. My marriage was always the most confident thing in my life. I am devestated and so heartbroken!

  89. med says:

    Hi i am 27 years old and i have six years of marriage. My wife is a good looking and nice person, but I never feel love for her and I never thought that I”m goona cheat on her some day…But suddenly it happened.

    I know that I will sound like stupid loser and crazy, but it happened to me, which I never ever thought that it would or that love existed. I never was in love befoore, but with this girl I am in love. She is married too, she have almost same backgound as I have, her husban doesn’t make her happy and doesn’t appreciate what she have, she is very good looking and nice woman. She like every thing that I am and she really makes me feel who I really am. She loves me too, I am not a rich man but I have very good reputation around (untill now)…

    I really don’t ant to hurt my wife. If she finds out she will be very very hurt and I dont want that to happen, but I am I love with another woman…ohh God.

    I need someon’es opinion or suggestion. It will be helpful for me in these difficult days, months or years for me. Thanks.
    Sorry for my english.

  90. jill says:

    I’ve caught my husband more than a few times and in a few different ways lying about internet porn. I told him it”s offensive to me and he said he lied because he was embarrassed about it (after 7 yrs of marriage at that time).

    Now, 9 yrs. later I still feel like he totally sneaks chats and peaks and I’ve driven myself CRAZY trying to find proof (even though I already had proof) but if I bring anything internet porn\chat/yahoo alias id”s,etc,, up with him, he gets REALLY mad and tells me HE DOES NOT chat, blog, have any other email alias’ “THAT HE CAN REMEMBER, OR THAT HE IS AWARE OF” but I”m using an older alias of his right now thst somehow attached itself to my email address and he still says “I don”t remember” and tells me I need to trust him. I can”t just FORGET! I’m HUMAN!

    I don”t like this feeling of not being able to voice my opinions, hurts, fears on certain topics anymore. On the verge of some change I think. Anyone else at the REALLY FOR REAL almost fed up with the hamster wheel thinking yet, or even better, just got off the wheele and back on the main road of living out of love, instead of living out of fear?????

    Thanks in advance for ANY words of wisdom. I want to relate to this stuff from a different place!!!!!

  91. Diane Sayers says:

    Actually, we talked more, and said now that he knows how much this hurts me and affects me, that he has promised to stop going on these sites. It takes alot to get through to him. He says it’s always what I want, and that he always has to change for ME.
    And then he tries to turn everything around on me.
    He said, to ask you what about when we occaisonally go out for dinner and few drinks, and I end up socializing with people I see.
    He says that is a way of cheating, because I end up talking to guys and they only want one thing !!
    Which is not true, I try to get him involved in the conversation, but ends up walking away pissed off, so i have to end the conversation as well because i know he is pissed off.
    so anyways, we will see how he does.
    thanks

  92. LauriePK says:

    Watching other women and visiting sites like that IS a big deal, and you’re right to be concerned about it! Of course he says it’s no big deal, everyone does it — that’s a common way to rationalize anything from cheating on your parter to gambling your salary away. That’s how we shrug off our addictions: we rationalize.

    Your gut is telling you it’s not right or healthy, and your gut is right!

    Unfortunately, you won’t be able to change his mind – unless he agrees to couples counseling or hears someone he respects say that it’s a type of cheating.

    Here’s a callout to women who have succeed in convincing their husbands to stop looking at those sites! If your husband was once addicted to looking at other women, please tell us how it worked out. Did you achieve your goal of creating a strong, healthy marriage?

    Diane, this might be a good way of figuring out what you should do: find women who were in similar circumstances, and learn from them.

    I’d say leave him, but I KNOW it’s much more complicated than that.

    Hopefully, someone will weigh in here…..and tell us what worked for her, in terms of her cheating husband!

  93. Diane Sayers says:

    Yes, I have talked to him the other nite about it, and he said that he is going to continue going on these sites, because it’s the only way to relieve himself if we haven’t made love in a few days or a week. He said I left him no choice because he has bought Playboy magazines, or bought porn cd’s and I would find them and I would throw them out, so now if he wants to relieve himself and I am not here to help him with that, then the computer porn sites are his other alternative. He said, that he not looking to meet up with anyone, that those sites pop up.
    So, I guess your right, I have to decide if I want to live with it or not.
    It’s hard decision because I do love him, and he a really good guy, other than he can be a hot head sometimes, if provoked.
    I really hate that he visits these sites. I can’t help thinking and feeling that he is not be faithful to our marriage by doing this.
    But he makes it sound like it’s no big deal, and it’s not like that.
    He said alot of fellow workers from his job do the same thing.
    Because I had asked him, to ask other spouses. But I meant their wifes. I am sure they don;t agree with it either, or they don;t know their husbands are looking at these site. I think they should be banned. It is aweful.
    So, I don;t know what to do.
    I just can’t help feeling like i can’t fully trust him because of this.

    Thanks for your help.

  94. LauriePK says:

    And by the way — YES, Diane! Your husband is cheating on you by surfing those sites. Looking at other women is marital infidelity…and hanging around on match sites is a red flag that doesn’t bode well for the future.

    I’m sorry — this probably isn’t lifting your spirits, but…it’s reality.

  95. LauriePK says:

    There’s nothing you can do to make him stop — you can’t make any adult do anything! I’m sorry to say, you don’t have the power to make him stop visiting those sites…that’s something he has to do. He has to choose you and his marriage over his own desires.

    Diane, you need to decide if your marriage is working for you (to borrow a phrase from Dr Phil!). Is it making you happy, fulfilling you as a woman, helping you achieve your goals? If you’re not getting what you need from your husband — and if he keeps cheating and blows up at you — then you have to re-evaluate not just your marriage, but your life.

    If he’s unwilling to change or work on your marriage, then it’s up to you to decide if you want to accept your marriage as it is and your husband as he is, or if you want to move on without him.

    Have you talked to him about why he’s cheating this way?

  96. Diane Sayers says:

    My husband is addicted to porn sites. I feel it is also a way of cheating on me. He tries to hide it. He does it when i am work.
    He also has been on match sites. Maybe he is trying to hook up with someone. When i ask him he blows up at me and he was ready to throw a lamp at me last nite.
    I hate that he goes on these sites.
    what can I do to make him stop.
    It’s not that he doesn’t get love making at home. It’s aleast 2-3 times a week.
    I don’t understand. and i hate it.
    thanks

  97. Tarina says:

    Joey

    Thank you for sharing your story! I think I am similar as your partner ( ashamed to admit it) I only see that as I read your entry! I do work full-time, we do have kids, we do have sex, BUT I am living in turmoil… I have tried and tried to make things work … I’ve been married for 13 years and with him for 20 all together… I was only 17 when we committed to each other. I know nothing else in life about love, partnership and relationships other than what I have and had over the years. My honey has done many shameful things, dishonesty, emotional infidelity, addictions, lack of support, mental abuse and neglect … he works 24-7, seems to be disconnected and makes choices I disagree with. I have heard similar comments from my man as you wrote earlier this week. WOW, I have insulted his intelligence, I have ridiculed him for choices and interests I disagree with, I have rejected his attempts that I felt were too little too late, I find his faults before his strengths as a person. He is was / and will cheat on me Im sure!!! I have some black and white proof… He down plays the evidence (printed off emails from 2 other women) he minimizes the language used ” sexy-babe, I miss you too, wow you look amazing, I would love to text, talk and see you! and his cell phone # attached!!!!! Still today he states its “NOTHING” BUT it is something to me!!! I need trust… SO this is where your entry has enlightened me. Although he has done damaging things in the relationship, I too am hindering the growth by “being emotionally disconnected, insulting him, disregarding him, ignoring him, making excuses for him … I have been wounded, my heart is bleeding out, I’m losing the essence / vitality of oxygen to live on with this routine, this insane lifestyle we have carved out for ourselves. I thank you for your words, your strength to open up and share your “side of things” I think you have told me what my husband could not! I have heard similar comments between breaths while arguing, but I never “HEARD” what he was saying I just judged it … I can justify every inappropriate comment and action I’ve taken against him … as there is a past and history he built in the early years of our relationship. I never let go of what happened, or dealt with the pain I endured … things would get swept under the carpet and the clock kept ticking I’m 37 now with 3 kids, 17, 15, 11. I am ready to roll up my sleeves and get messy! I wrote down your key points ” emotional abandonment, rejection, lack of compliments, lack of sex, harsh insults” I see I do these things as I want him to hurt!!!! Seeing we females handle emotions differently from men, I wanted to “stick it too him” at times and see his pain … What kind of person am I that I take a sick and twisted pleasure in hurting him BACK!!!! I am ready to work it out. Acknowledging my wrong doing and seeing my role helps me “fix” what I never realized was broken … I was breaking things apart as well as he was. I only saw what he was doing as the problem and not owning what I was doing wrong. I shake my head and think how could I not see what I have been involved with??? … All I need now is trust, commitment and a re-connection with him to prove it is worth while. I can script the “Fairy Tale” I’ve always dreamed about since I was about 10 years old… finding my prince, and living happily ever after….

    This has been more than helpful too me! I needed someone to show me that I am not as innocent in all this as I once believed I was. I don’t take all the blame, I am not attacking myself, but rather opening my eyes to WHO,and WHAT, I have been and brought to this disarray! I was looking for the “Cause and effect” The Action and the reaction the rhyme and reason behind the pain! Which I think I found .. in your posting!

    I wish the best for all parties involved, men-women and children who are suffering with relationship distress and disfunction …. Step back and see what I saw ” what am I doing? what has been my role?”

    Cheers,
    Peace to us all

  98. Joey says:

    I will probably be leaving her ASAP – I cannot handle the verbal abuse any longer. Her unwillingness to try to get a job is taking it’s toll on me…. my health is failing me, I have anxiety and panic attacks, and I’m constantly depressed. The stress has caused me a major 3+ year long battle with eczema. I’m embarrassed to even shake hands with people…..

  99. Laurie PK says:

    Thanks for your perspective, Joey — it’s not often I hear men talk about how some women make them feel in relationships! It sounds like you’re exactly the kind of guy that Gary Neuman was talking about in his book “Why Men Cheat.”

    I’m sorry your marriage is so rough, and I hope you and your wife find a healthy way out of the way it is now.

    Laurie

  100. Joey says:

    To all you women who beleive that ALL men cheat because they are more interested in the sex – I say: “BLEEP You!” I’ve lived with a wife who for the past 3 years of our marriage has done nothing but emotionally and verbally abuse me, emotionally abandon and neglect me, and constantly reject my attempts to build a stronger marriage. All teh while, refusing counseling and doing nothing to help out financially but place the burden of it all upon my shoulders.

    Of course I flirt with other women! It makes me feel good about myself. The wife NEVER compliments me and uses every opportunity to tear me down with the harshest of insults. I have been nothing but kind and sweet and genereous to her. ANd she still has nothign good to say abnout me. Ever.

    So yes I do flirt. It’s nice feeling like somebody likes me for me. It’s nice to not be ridiculed. I can’t leave the wife since I am wayyy too far in debt, and I have no one to turn to where I live.

    For all teh false accusations I’ve suffered, I am on the brink of WANTING to cheat! She hasn’t given up any sex in four months! No matter how many dishes I do, how much laundry I clean, or how many gifts I shower upon her. My efforts fail at every tun. I once was a hopeless romantic. Now, I just feel so broken and broken-hearted inside. She still hasn’t taken my last name, and after we wed, she decided she didn’t want children……. ripping my very heart out!

    So to all you wimmin who are so high and mighty – TAKE OWNERSHIP of YOUR part of how you make your men feel!

  101. Laurie PK says:

    Are you serious? Yikes — I’d get as far away from him as I can. He’s one of those men that Gary Neuman mentioned: they cheat no matter how great their relationships are. They’re just jerks. I don’t know what this guy’s problem is – why he’s cheating on his girlfriend/wife, why he needs to lead you on – and it doesn’t even matter!

    At least this guy is honest with you about having a girlfriend and getting married! But unless you want to keep getting treated like garbage, I’d move on as fast as possible.

  102. susan says:

    Hi , i had a old friend whom i had a fling with in the past .Its been six year since ive seen him i made him lunch.A few times he told me he shouldnt come and see me he has a girlfriend.Then he turnns around and tells me there is something abot me that drives him nuts and how crazy it is.Three weeks of hangind out a bit , he got married in los vegas and didnt tell me.When he got home he send a e mail saing he counldnt wait to see me.He stasrted e mailing and calling more but staying away from my home.He has said and i have said we should talk but then he sends a e mail asking how i am .I tink about him all the time and he says he trys to forgt about me but cant.whats this all about??

  103. Allison says:

    Tom, how interesting, but not surprising, you recieve my response as ‘angry.’ This is a text book response from individuals in our society that ‘tag’ labels/names when they are offended and defensive when the subject is close to home.

    My email was about respect and love in a relationship that stops ‘good men’ in their tracks in tempting situations; and not simplifying something so complex as ‘why men cheat;’ and I touched a little on the rampent cultural norms today that contribute and have many thorougly confused, feeling inadequate (on both sides) and they believe what they see and hear in the media.

    Lynn was quick to point out that many women take on too much responsibility in their relationships and blame themselves so that some women that might be reading this book and read her blog response don’t start coming up with another exuse for their husbands infidelity which is usually attached to emotional or mental abuse.

    Yes, women cheat too. But the subject was “why men cheat” and my collegue and I have been bombarded enough in the past year with women in our circle of friends, family and even those we barely know that are realing from the effects of their spouses infidelity…a good number of which were fed by the internet – which is apparently a good way to find ‘no strings attached sex’ whether you want to pay for it or not. Then there is the interesting but not so surprising addiction to porn on the internet by not just married men, but even clergy – as one we interviewed was counseling preists on their difficulty fighting their urge to watch porn on the internet.

    “Intimacy” is a subject that needs to be revisited on a core level as it is not addressed or harolded in our culture anymore. Casual sex is glorified on many levels which has confused our youth so much so that they have very little faith in love and marriage and commitment – as their are no boundaries, testiments, and goals showcased in our very loud media culture – which surprise, surprise – feeds into our homes.

    So, the question really is a moral one isn’t it Tom. Those with high moral standards, that are practicing good and listening to their conscience and remembering the person they fell in love with and why they committed to them and if they are really making an effort everyday to nuture that relationship which means drawing hard lines like telling your spouse you feel unappreciated. This of course gives your spouse a chance to reflect on their behavior and make choices on how to show their spouse they appreciate them. This of course is taking one small and simple example in the complex house of love.

    Try and stop the narrow and limited thinking that accompanyies laying name calling like ‘angry women.’ I’m not calling you any names but asking you to reflect on a position or conclusion on a subject that cannot be narrowed down to a or b – because it’s always a question of morals, value and virtue – choices. No defense should be given to those that make the wrong moral choices – What are we teaching our children? The gift of many excuses?
    What about teaching our childrent that when we make big mistakes – we admit to them and try to find what is broken in us that made us hurt the one we loved the most. Let’s actually bring into light something courage with honesty – this is always about facing our worst fears. That is courage – facing your fears, not feeding your passions. What a gift that would be for the youth in our country. And maybe as a society we should stop accepting what was never acceptable. Just becuase we are overwhelmed and the old saying ‘if you can’t beat em, join them’ has to be changed to “if you can’t beat them, stay fighting fair and for the good for ourselves and our children – because we all deserve better than this’ Get off the fence, make a choice and take a stand. Don’t accept what you know in your heart should never be acceptable and hope your children somehow are not effected. There is no way around it until you take a stand for what is right and stop making excuses for wrongs.

  104. Laurie PK says:

    Many women are offended and even enraged at Gary Neuman’s suggestions, because he seems to be putting the onus on wives. But, he says he’s empowering women, giving them tools to protect their marriages so men don’t cheat.

    It may not be a “cause and effect” thing. That is, Neuman may not be saying men cheat because women ignore them. Rather it may be more of a “correlation” thing: men are more likely to cheat if they have wives who aren’t appreciative, or physically and emotionally connected.

    Neuman isn’t just pulling this stuff out of his hat — he researched unfaithful married couples, and he’s just sharing what he’s learned. I’m pretty sure he’s not saying cheating is okay! He’s just explaining why he thinks men cheat.

    He also points out that some men cheat on their wives no matter what, and that this isn’t a reflection of the wives or their level of appreciation.

  105. Tom says:

    I disagree with Lynn and Allison. The author is trying to point out the underlying basis for affairs and not to assign blame.

    I get the feeling that Lynn and Allison are generally angry about many things in their lives and men are #1 on their list.

    There are many men who are caring, sensitive, and responsible and are still met with underappreciation at home. This is not an excuse for a guy to have an affair. If this was going on, I would recommend for the guy to talk to his wife about it and if it still doesn’t improve, I suggest he gets divorced before having an affair.

    However, the author is trying to point out that underappreciation whether real or not is a common feeling in men that cheat. If the goal is to prevent cheating, then maybe it may be wise to address the underappreciation problem. Maybe Allison and Lynn’s goals are not to prevent cheating. I get the sense that if their spouses cheated on them, they would be kicked out and these women can continue on with their angry lives. To continue to live with these losers is to live a self-defeated life. I can understand that but know that the author’s goal then is entirely different. He wants to preserve marriages – which is one of the most difficult things to do in counseling. And to do that – yes, he will point out things that women don’t like to hear because in so many ways, its always the guys fault so why should the women need to do ANYTHING about it.

    I say don’t do anything. You don’t have too. Let the guy cheat and then dump him. He’s no good anyways. But don’t jump on Mr. Neumann because his goal is to preserve the marriage – even after a traumatic thing such as an affair. And to do so, it take BOTH parties to compromise.

    So if saying a nice thing now and then to show appreciation is too hard for Lynn and Allison, then maybe marriage is not the thing for them.

    Tom

  106. Laurie PK says:

    Thanks for your insights, Lynn & Allison!

    Allison, your book sounds fascinating — I love reading about how women settle in life, how they lose themselves in relationships, and how they sometimes sacrifice who they are to do what society or their families dictate.

    And sometimes we’re not even aware of what we’re doing – we’re conditioned not to make waves, not to disrupt the status quo.

    Anyway, I’m glad for your comments — please keep me posted on “Sisters”!

    It’ll be interesting to hear what Gary Neuman has to say about why women have affairs…

    Laurie

  107. Allison says:

    Lynn, hit the nail on the head in many ways – Dr Newman’s perspective is very limited – which he obviously knows – becuase he’s studying women now. However, the conclusion to his study is more simplistic than this subject really is.

    Lynn at least includes the warped cultural norms that are rampant today. There are many taboo subjects that are not addressed that need to be. I hope the women reading this blog – read Lynn’s comments several times so they don’t forget it’s not their fault as is the same cultural norm that has been fed for far too long.

    There are good men out there that would never think of cheating on their wive’s, they are selfless and not selfish and they value their wives and their partnership far to much to consider jepardizing the woman they are sharing their life with.

    My colleague and I are writting a book and conducting interviews know – we are unclear on a name as we are in the northeast and want to make sure we get a clear representation of our southern, and western sisters. We are thinking of calling it – Soul Sisters…or Sisters – we are seeing a lot of women that settled – and it took a long time for them to realize it – as they were trying to fix their husbands. This is just one small piece but many made up for what their husbands lacked and then there were a lot that settled even more as the years progressed and essentiall sold, gave up, gave in. The women that did not compromise the respect they deserved either had changed men or men that were beyond being crushed because they never thought they could lose the woman they loved. The old cliche’ you don’t know what you have till its gone.

    In response to sex addicts – no morals and values is very close as most seem to have been raised with none and experience a heavy level of abuse and sexual abuse is high on the ladder.

    This is a loaded subject – but the advent of the internet and onslaught of pornography that gets more and more hard core – it is no surprise that on the rise of child pornography and sex trafficing. According to a few clergy we have interviewed that have been counseling sex addicts and married men that are cheating – many with prostitutes. This is a societal existance that was considered the bottom of the barrel as they are the largest spreaders of STD’s and according to the clergy this type of woman “really messes a man up and confuses them” as the men are ashamed and embarrassed. Yet, instead of having to look in the dark alleys for these types of women – they are advertising in the local news paper, on craiglist and on singles sights for sex. It’s rampant. So, here we have the bottom of the barrel – calling themselves “escorts” as if this raises their class and we as a society are ignoring it and doing nothing to curb its prevelance.

  108. Lynne says:

    In response to the book “Learning Why Men Cheat”. This is really more of the same just targeted at a new generation and millions of these books that state the obvious will likely be sold, not to mention the attention it will get from outraged women, which is the intent, so congratulations. Whatever happened to common respect? Marriage counselor Neuman says men cheat because of: Loneliness in their relationship or marriage. Affirmation from “the other women.” And not enough attention at home. He left out that they also cheat to fit in with other guys they’re friends with and work with because it is more and more socially acceptable for married men to cheat and they like it that way and want it to be even more acceptable. Books like this make it okay because it puts the blame on wives, soon there will be a book putting the blame on their children. There are also men who will drive this into the ground, with exhausted worn out wife at home, “she couldn’t give me the attention I needed”.

    This might come as a shock but there are many married women over the years who have been lonely, get flirted with by men regularly, and who do not get enough attention at home and who, yes cheat because of that, many emotionally cheat with another man and it is not a new phenominon. If you factor in fear of physical abuse from husbands and social stigma towards women who cheat, there are probably more wives who cheat than husbands, you just don’t know about it. Women are emotional, which everyone is aware of, much more than men, and because of their emotional needs that many men joke about and ignore, and pressure put on women to be caregivers (which books like this pile it on even thicker), leaves little if any energy or time for women, for themselves on a day to day basis and it eats away at ones self esteem. Women then rely on a husband to fill that void and help. Often husbands don’t because they are too focused on themselves which is the basis of Neumans book, men basically lack mature responsibility and are self centered. This leads many women to get the attention they need from someone else if not sooner, then later. The so called higher number of wives cheating in recent years, really isn’t a new thing, it’s just not as easy for women to hide as it used to be. I cannot count how many women I’ve known who have dealt with this immature self centered attitude from men, and who have simply given up on them. Eventually wives figure out if they didn’t already know going in to marriage, that for many women it is not an equal playing field and marriage usually isn’t a partnership. After all, it isn’t exactly condusive to ones self esteem when your husband is constantly flirting or pursuing other women. Or after a 12 hour work day in an office, you go by the daycare pick up the kids, go home, fix dinner, do a load of laundry and help with homework, while he sits in front of the tv, then has his nightly romp with you, and you still have time and energy to somehow follow him in the things he’s interested in which is usually a sport, and yet he still cheats. And then the wife says, what did I do wrong? So wives move on emotionally and just treat their daily routine like a job and are very discrete about their other activities, while men are not so discrete because it is more and more socially acceptable for them to cheat. Again, life goes on, more of the same old thing, where if men and women simply had respect for each other and treated each other with respect, it could make such a difference in marriage.

  109. Laurie PK says:

    Your husband’s secret relationships with women aren’t so secret after all! I’m sorry, Barb Ann – it sounds like he has an unhealthy need to interact with other women.

    Whether it’s a bunch of emotional affairs or a series of full blown cheating matters less than YOUR response. What kind of a marriage is this for you, and what kind of a marriage do you want for yourself? If he’s not willing to work on your relationship with you, then I suggest you get individual counseling or go to workshops or do something that helps you grow into a strong healthy independent woman.

    I think your husband has broken the vows of your marriage — but it’s up to you to respond to his actions. I don’t know if he’s willing to rethink the way he’s been treating you — but I encourage you to rethink the way you’re allowing yourself to be treated.

    Thanks for sharing, Barb Ann, and I wish you all the best. If have further thoughts or comments, I’m right here!

    Laurie

  110. Barb Ann says:

    My husband has had several secret relationships with women from work over the years. He gets invested in their personal lives. One woman he met because they did sports activities together. He spent over 1200 minutes of phone calls talking to her in one month. He insists when they met he was always with a group. When I got the phone bill, they both denied knowing each other. He says he knows it was wrong and was sorry …for a while.

    Once he met a woman working in the US from Britain. Because of her marital problems my husband ended up holding her passport, green card and immigration papers. At first, he said he just talked to her at work. Then they had lunch with a group of people once or twice. He went on a sales call (in home sales) and got home at 11:30 PM

    There seems to be someone new now. She called his cell phone at 8:30 on a Sunday morning. She works at his office. When I asked him about it, he first said it was work related. He said it was a voice message from the previous afternoon. I saw both a morning and afternoon call on the list originally. After I mentioned it, the morning call was erased. He always answers his work calls with peoples names….Hi Kelly, Jeffrey, how’s it going……When this person calls, he says< ” Hiiiiii” and his voice deepens.

    Is there such a thing as a person who has many emotional affairs or is this just a series of full blown cheating?

  111. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Tata, I’m sorry that your husband cheated on you and that you have a child together.

    I wish I had a magic solution that will bring you two back together, but I don’t think it’s that easy. If he doesn’t want to be married, then I don’t know that there’s much you can do to get him back.

    The best route may be to be a good friend to him. You say you still have good relations — I’d suggest not pushing him to get back together, but encouraging him to have a good relationship with your child. Be a supportive person in his life, but don’t push him into a relationship he’s not ready to go back to.

    I also suggest moving on with your life. I know it’s painful, but having your own life and interests will not only make you feel better, it’ll make you more attractive to your ex (and other people!). Sometimes moving on is the best option — and I encourage you to build a happy, healthy life.

    Plus, if he cheated on you once, he may cheat on you again and again. Can you trust him? I don’t know — it’s just something to consider.

    Good luck, Tata……and be a strong, healthy woman!

    Laurie

  112. Tata says:

    Please provide me with your advice.
    I have been living with my husband 5 years and we are having a child.
    we have seperated for 6 months alreay and I discovered that he has been cheating.
    we are having still good relations with each other, but he keeps his relations with her cowerker still.
    Please helm me and advice me what can I do and how can I get back my ex, as I still love him too much.

    Thanks for your support.

    Tata

  113. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    The secret to staying faithful has been studied by researchers from UCLA and the online dating service eHarmony. It boils down to one thing: remembering the love you feel for your partner (or once felt!).

    Here’s a link to the article I wrote about this study: http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/how_to_stay_faithful_to_your_partner

  114. Wendy says:

    I totally believe that their is an emotional cheater,like it was said on the Today Show, you don’t have to have sex to cheat. Seeking that attention from another man/woman, flirting, texting, emails, phone calls. If you cannot have an emotional connection with your spouse you should not be married.

  115. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    No solution to sexual addiction? Some people (like Dr Laura Schlessinger) don’t even believe there’s such a thing as sexual addiction – they just think the person has no morals or values.

    About your question, Dawn: what if 12 different people tell you do to 12 different things with a guy who cheats on you? Then what do you do?

    I think you need to figure out what’s best for you, and get help, and then follow through with your decision (it’s usually easier when you have support). I think you should follow your gut. If he’s telling you there’s no solution, then you need to do some research on your own.

    If I were in your situation, I’d leave so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him. But everyone’s different – some people have reasons for staying in a relationship that baffle others.

    What do YOU think you should do?

  116. Dawn says:

    You know what, how about if the husband is sexually addicted, there is no solution to that addiction. It is worse than cheating. He always find means and ways to have sex with different women by hook or by crook. Tell me what to do with this situation. Thanks much.

  117. Rita Watson says:

    Hello Laurie: You may want to take a peek at my “Love Lies and Brain Scans” which appeared in my regular column for the Providence Journal. For $10,000 some people are requesting the scans to determine fidelity and infidelity. But you will be amused by the common sense ending. Right now it is posted on September 9th at http://www.ritawatson.com. Later today I will have it added to the relationship columns. I did just notice a Pingback (however, it is an earlier version because the one up there includes your name. Happiness/ R

  118. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Why do women cheat on their husbands? Dr Neuman is gathering research on that now, and told Oprah he’ll be writing a book about why women cheat next.

    So, perhaps husbands will soon be asking their wives to take a lie detector test…I wonder if women are more likely to ‘fess up to marital affairs? According to Dr Neuman in The Truth About Cheating, men don’t usually spill the beans unless asked.

  119. You are correct. Lie Detector (polygraph) testing has been used for many years to determine whether a person has been involved in extramarital relationships, and it’s use continues to grow worldwide.

    Michael Martin
    Global Polygraph Network

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