Why Men Cheat on Women – Insights From a Marriage Counselor
You can’t stop him from cheating if you don’t know why men cheat! Marriage counselor Gary Neuman explains why men cheat and how to build a strong relationship.
He also describes how much power women have in their marriages and relationships.
First, here are two interesting statistics about marital affairs, from Neuman’s book The Truth About Cheating:
- 1 in 2.7 men will cheat, and most of their wives will never find about it.
- 92% of men say that affairs aren’t primarily about sex.
Below is a summary of what Neuman told Oprah Winfrey about why men cheat.
For more detailed information on physical and emotional affairs in marriage, read The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It.
Why Men Cheat – Insights From a Marriage Counselor
Neuman says men cheat because of:
- Loneliness in their relationship or marriage.
- Affirmation from “the other woman.”
- Not enough attention at home.
The women men cheat with make them feel valued, secure, and appreciated. “Men love to win,” says Neuman. “If you want to make men feel secure, make them feel like they’re winning.” The husbands who had affairs said that they felt like they couldn’t win at home or in their marriage.
In The Truth About Cheating, Neuman reports the results of a survey of marriage, marital affairs, and cheating spouses. He surveyed hundreds of husbands and wives to determine the real reasons men cheat. Neuman wrote the book because he saw the overwhelming devastation that happens in families, children, and relatives when men cheat on their wives.
If your husband cheated on you, you may find Should I Trust My Boyfriend After He Cheated on Me? helpful.
The Controversy in The Truth about Cheating
Oprah points out the controversy in this book: a lot of the onus for marital affairs seems to be on the women. “How come we have to be the ones to work it out or fix it?” she asks.
Neuman stresses that it’s not the wives’ fault and it’s not a blame game. He says that The Truth About Cheating is a book is about empowering women. “If you do certain things, you can lead your relationship to better place.”
Women think if they appreciate their partners or husbands too much, the men will stop doing wonderful or helpful things around the house or in the relationship. It’s just the opposite, says Neuman. Here’s more marriage advice from Neuman: the more you appreciate your husband, the more he’ll want to please you.
In fact, some marriage counselors believe that you should stay with a cheating husband. Read Should I Leave My Cheating Husband? The Best Reason to Stay Married to learn why.
How Many Men Leave Their Wives For Prettier Women?
Almost none.
“I had a ton of mistresses, and none were prettier than my wife,” said one husband who cheated on his wife.
Neuman said that 88% of the men said that the other woman wasn’t better looking or in better shape than their wives. Remember that cheating on your spouse is NOT about sex.
Why Do Men Cheat on Women?
The number one reason why men cheat is that there’s an emotional disconnection in the relationship. Husbands or partners feel underappreciated, and report a lack of thoughtful gestures. They’re lonely in their marriages.
Men who cheat find women who make them feel alive, admired, and respected.
“Men are very emotional beings,” says Neuman. The stereotype is that men are unemotional beings, but Neuman says men are very emotional beings, they just express it differently.
Men want to feel like they’re pleasing their wives. If they get the message that they’re messing up, they feel insecure – and more likely to stray. Here’s Neuman’s marital advice to help you achieve your personal relationship goals: express how much you appreciate your spouse.
Most people find people to cheat with at work. A friendship or emotional relationship develops.
Some Husbands Will Cheat on Their Wives No Matter What
Neuman says that 12% of men will cheat no matter what the wife does. Neuman says that you know those cheating spouses because they have a lack of remorse, if he’s cavalier about it, there’s no way to heal the marriage.
Do Men Confess Their Affairs?
Only 7% told their wives without being asked that they had an affair. Neuman said that 55% of the men in his study still hadn’t told their wives about their affairs.
When wives do find out that men are having a marital affair, they know who the partner was cheating with. Usually, people talk about their romantic interests.
Signs to Look for Before He Cheats
Marriage cheating signs include:
- Spend more time away from home
- Less sex
- Avoidance of contact (eg, he doesn’t answer his cell phone).
- More critical of you
These signs of cheating in marriage are the same when he’s about to cheat, or when he’s already involved in a marital affair. Take Neuman’s marital advice if you want to achieve your personal relationship goals, and watch for these signs of cheating.
Do You Think Your Man is Cheating?
If you think he’s cheating, here are three ways to investigate…
“Go to cell phone records to find out whether he’s very involved with somebody,” says Neuman. “Put a GPS magnet on the bottom of his car, so you can see where his car has been. And, if you think he’s cheating but don’t believe what he says, ask him to take a lie detector test.”
“Lying in a relationship can be more hurtful than the affair itself – and it takes a lot to move past it,” said one woman whose husband cheated on her.
A final bit of marriage advice for men who cheat: “It’s best to come clean as early as possible,” says Neuman. “Be honest with your wife when you’re just beginning to get interested in someone else.”
The Psychology of Love
Gary Neuman also wrote Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship.
If you have any thoughts why men cheat, please comment below…
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Love & Relationships
Emma , I read your concerns dont waste one more hour or minute with the loser, just dont, you have a career, as you say looks intelligence, move on, and meet that man of your dreams who will appreciate you..I hope you have done this…:)
What scares me most about men cheating on women is that alot of wives have no idea their husbands are cheating. Is it because they don’t see what’s in front of them, because they don’t want to see it, or because their husbands are so “good” at cheating on them?
I’m less worried about why men cheat, and more worried about not knowing. I don’t think my husband would cheat, but neither do any wives whose husbands cheat…
Wow! Men find ways to make excuses for all men to cheat. Clearly if a man isn’t happy in his relationship, he should just end it and save his partner the pain and suffering instead of lying and cheating just to satisfy his own needs. It’s selfish and unhealthy! Besides karmas a b*tch and so is he if he can’t bean enough to be honest. If you love someone you have to communicate with that person. You try to work your problems out. If there is nothing to work out, then end it! Simple as that. Nobody’s perfect but when you lie your just adding more fuel to the fire eventually you will get burnt! Don’t allow yourself to get cheated on, nor cheat yourself ouy of your own happiness.
Why do men cheat? (Or women).. because they assume they can get away with it in a culture that allows it.
Culture, upbringing and how that culture punishes or admonishes cheating, determines the amount of cheating. If there’s no set boundaries, men and women can and will cheat. It’s just whether it’s found out.
Women – kKnow what you’re getting into… A guy way above your league is probably going to at least enjoy getting a lot of attention from other women, even if he doesn’t cheat.
An older guy who picked you up from school/ college when you were super young (like 16), and he was won’t be looking past a sell by date or into lasting attributes of your personality. Same with any guy with a player history. If he sees women, no matter what as 2 dimensional, then his interest and the relationship won’t be 3D. Know them all by type.
Of course, cheaters don’t mean that the relationship or that person is bad. They can be faithful, never stray as a look at another girl – but beat you around and treat you like crap. Conversely, you can both cheat, but have an otherwise perfect relationship. Be honest. Both of you have to want to commit to the relationship.
A maintained relationship is about communication. That’s so true, whether it’s cheating, or the love is fading or you’re just gettin on each other’s nerves. Communicate, that’s how you maintain it.
Most men cheat because they feel inadequate or not emotionally connected. Some women cheat for this very same reason.
Rarely do people change permanently. It is in their nature to cheat and it is important to accept that.
I find the only time a person understands is when you divorce them and take their assets, or make them pay high alimony, or if they are socially embarassed.
But why reform that person? Just thank God u know and walk away.
Hi im saane and i am recently married..got married last year in August and i have two boys…We met through high school and til now we are finaly married and i think this has been 4 or 5 years now that we’ve been together…i have really depress moments with him and i cant help iit anymore he cheated on me so many times but i still forgive him for everything..now i just cant live with iit beacuse i think he is doing it again when he goes to course..i am only 20 and hes 19 we both young parents…i dont kno what to do at times beacuse we always arugue..its not the smae anymore and i dont feel him loving me so much..i miss him when hes away and i love him to bits is just that i dont kno if he has an affair with somebody else…i always have these problems with him but just cnt seem to fix it….i was happy withi him from the start and now i dont kno what to do please help me…not only that but i always try to commit sucide but i cant beacuse i love my kids..I just wish i kno where he goes kos we both dont have cellphones to contct each other…i want more advise to keep my marriage stronger..
Thanks x
Hi My name is Gloria,am a 21years old and have been in a strong relationship with a guy who is 27 from the age of 17,recently i found out he gets cosy with other girls and flirts on face book with each of them wishing he could have an intimate relationship with them.I confronted him once and he really i mean really got pissed off.So i keep quiet and decided to ignore and continue with life.Second he chats with my pals secretly and pretends that they are just saying hi and apparently the same pals don’t call me as often as they do call him.so i talked to a psychologist who told me to try and indulge him in a soft/non-confrontaional conversation but he still gets angry and later tells me he loves and all the sweet words.Later today i was invited for a cocktail party by a friend so we went,he started looking at the women around and finally settled for one,so when i went to say hi to a couple of friends and turned my head i found him flirting with the girl as close as 2inches away,so when i was going back i decided to let them talk.So he felt funny and stood up to add some more drink to his cup and texted me like ‘what the hell are you trying?’i was like i let u guys mingle in a honest way,so a few minutes later he called his male friend to chat me up,but i was not in the mood of chatting,so i sipped my drink slowly.After a few minutes he came and sat next to me asking me why my mood has changed blah blah blah.Later on i stood and went to add some drink and found the same girl seating at my spot and my boyfriend pretending to walk to the gents.I went and just smiled at him,little to notice that his male friend was there next to my boyfriend whispering to his ear that he got her number but i aint sure.so i made a joke to see his reaction.and said ooh you got her number,he burst into anger and started shouting at me in front of people and commanding me to say bye and we left.I was easy i dint take when we were driving home so when we got there,he just told me this relationship will never succeed,i still kept quite.We got into the house he is not talking to me.A few minutes later he receives a call and walks out to answer,when he got back i asked him who are you speaking to?he lies says no one then says you always think am lying i was talking to my friend at 2.00am.So now we are not talking to each other.I love him so much but it seems i don’t satisfy him.
Virtualist2k- I’m sorry, but that’s horrible. What makes you think it is okay to cheat? Ugh, people like you just disgust me. No concern for other peoples feelings, no disreguard whatsoever. I’m only 14 and I have more sense than you.
Well my man cheated several times with several women.it hurt like hell and drove me insane.but.I rubbed his nose in it like the dog he was.I made him tell all family and friends the truth.even the fact that he got herpes…regretfully something I also have to live with now because of him.I also made sure most the women suffered.one he had to call her husband and inform the man that his wife was cheating …another wouldn’t answer her phone but when her mother did. I was. Inform her what a home wrecking slut she was and was sure to also inform the girls boyfriend of three years I then made sure to put my name first on everything he owns.and made sure his check was directly deposited in my account.that way if he wants to break my hear again ill break his wallet and his reputation.because of him I have some for the restrictions of my life for better or worse baby it your choice what they live once they screw you over.
years.
A man doesn’t cheat on you because he doesn’t love you. Sometimes sex at home become routine and boring. Sometimes in my head I would wonder if I still got the fire. There are some fantasies you dont wanna do with the woman you really love, especially the mother of your children
.. its better experimented on other women you have no emotional attachment too. Plus after trying to talk her into few things and she’s not willing – best is to get a sidekick for reassurance. It just get really boring but damn its better to be a smart cheat and never let her know. She’ll never really trust you anymore even though she pretends to now trust. You will lick the wounds forever and wonder if its worth it. You know the risk but the temptation is so irresistible. Plan your moves well. My friend has a secret cellphone number he leaves at the office desk. I think that plan is perfect too so the other girls can only call working hours. So no sms goes to real life phone. I tried it but I’m mostly a work at home guy; so that method is not for me. Its so hard for me to cheat these days too; as I’m more homely and when we go out we go together so I can only look and can’t touch! 
Best excuse now is hanging out with my friends. SO proactive method is to send sms at intervals and make calls when you can before she starts calling you herself. And always let the girls know you got a woman you love at home — maybe that can reduce the emotional tension and stress when you about to dump them. Wife is precious woman never let her know. I’ll be f*cked up if she really get to know what I’ve done in the 5years. Probably knock down 5 to 10 other women yearly or say 1 new a month. And I do not wish to stop. But maybe when the kids are above 18 maybe a divorce will be appropriate and I remain single for the rest of my life. So back to bachelorhood. Or maybe we just really reminisce so much about our bachelor days and still wish we can have both worlds.
I’ve had a woman told me the only reason she is not sleeping with me is because she knows my wife; that’s was nice flirt.. so her friends too want to get with you. And only few men would reject indecent proposals as it where.
Dear Alisha.
i would like to advice you on this. i had somewhat similar situation as yours. i am in a relationship with a guy for 4 years. we love each other like anything. before our relationship he was sort of a guy who loved donig sex adventures. yes he used to call this as “ADVENTURE” so he did slept with few girls before we met. kept himself engaged with them for few months and use to have sex but that all he said was nothing but kind of thrill for him and he was never emotionally or mentally attached to anyone. then he met me and fell in love with me. his love started for me even though i did not get physical with him and yet our R/S begun to flourish. after some time we also got physical and it was out of pure love that we share that made us share our bodies too.i mean not the lust thing as for that he had other sources available.
but in the begining years his ADVENTURE instinct was still alive and he slept with few random girls but good thing was he admitted that to me himself. he apologised and also asked me not to leave him as he cant survive without me and asked me to help him out to end this sex for just fun thing. Well as i love him and trust him and trust his love for me i didnt leave him because i understand here that some men do have this tendency to have sex with other women just for the heck of it or because of the strong sex instinct in them but that doesnt say that they love those women or are emotionally attached to them.
well i worked it out with him and with my extra attention and love i finally made him to let go of other women.
also i never kept on repeating or make him feel bad about what he did because he was sorry and wanted to improve. If someone is really sorry then he shouldnt be blame for it again and again. good thing that he realized that his adventure hurts me and i dont want this kind of thing in our r/s, and for him nothing is more important than my happiness.
its been 3 years and he hasn’t gone to any other women for sex and i truly believe that he would not in the future as well.
i read that your man also has apologized to you and asking you not to leave him and that he loves you then i think oyu should give him a chance. give him that feeling that you trust him with what he is saying and that now it is up to him to not let your trust go down. also help him out with this thing. it is human to do mistakes but as a partner you should forgive his mistake if he is promising to improve. Good Luck.
I had been into a relationship for about more than 4years. our famiies knew about it and we were planned to get maried. I’m female,22, and he is 25. We both studied in the same college until e had to go to some other town for higher studies. we survived the long term relation for a year without any issues. He often came to meet me in my town. Everything was just so perfect. But I somehow came to know a few months later that he was in a physical relationship with some other girl in that town,for the past one year. And I had no idea about what was going on. I couldn’t even think of that. I trusted him blindly and he never made me feel unwanted. With each day, he showed me that his love for me was growing more intense.
*we never got physical* as I had already asked him that I won’t be doing this before marriage. He never ever forced me for that. Instead he was also of the same opinion. But somehow,the conditions did made me cross my limits. We had a relation of kisses,somewhat more than that.*(You may say, we did everything other than just loosing the virginity)*.and that time too,he ased us to stop, as he didn’t want to be ‘used’ before marrage. he said he wanted to keep the excitement on.
This thing really means a lot to me,and we both loved each other like hell. He did anything for me,He talked to me, even if he was with that girl, he never lost interest in me. And he had no attachment with that girl.
and now when I know it all, he has left her, left his studies and came back come, changed his numbers, begged me to not to leave him, has apologized in front of my friends, family. And he says he would pay any damn cost to get me back. he is ready for any sacrifice, i abuse him, i insult him (as I was so shattered,broken)..he listened to that all calmly. He promises that he’ll never let me down again. and that, getting physical with that girl was just his MISTAKE,he couldn’t resist , we were in a long distance, that girl fell for him,she flirted with him and was easily accessible. so he says,that he flowed with the situations.Though they both were never so close,never talked too much,no romantic talks,no future promises,all they shared was sex. (*That girl already knew about me,and our relation,even then she fell in love with him,and now she says that he played with her but he never forced her, she readily accepted his offer. She wants him badly now and asks me to leave him. But he DOESN’T want to be with her,he just wants to be with me in any case.*)
It has been like 6 months,he’s still begging me to come back. but sleeping with other girl is not a small thing for me too to forgive.
1)Please suggest, what should I do? I know he loves me no doubt, but is it possible that men loose control so easily & sex is not a big deal for them? Should I give him another chance? or do boys get addicted to having sex somewhere else? Varied sex? Is there the possibility that he’s addicted to it?
2)Will I be able to forget him? I mean my feelings for him had been so intense,& pure,I had never thought of anyone before.I wanted him to be the once and forever man. Will I be able to forget the relation (physical & emotional, which was my 1st time) ?
3)If I think of forgiving him, will it be possible to let go all the dirty things,& the lies behind? will we be happy again?
Please I need the guidance, no one helps me as they say, that its’ my life and I have to decide. But I can’t, and its ruining my health & career. Please suggest me in one direction. Thanks.
Sounds like its have a pop at men forum. I, a man, looking for reasons why I cannot even get close to my wife to be intimate, think I have just found the answer after reading all your comments. When you really believe in something, you start to make it happen. No exception. Man or Woman. You think a man is cheating when he isn’t, by your thoughts and actions you will probably push him into that corner of cheating. Then he will 1try to keep it quiet or 2blame it on you. You pushed him. With men, once convinced his woman has cheated, he may then cheat himself may not be to get back at her, but to feel that he can still get his kicks. All this can be said with opposite roles. My brothers wife ran of a left him. So its not all about that men cheat woman can cheat to. Men don’t talk as much about when there woman cheats as much as women do about their man. That’s why you hear more about men cheating than woman.
But this guy in this book seems like he has me figured out, apart from the fact that I have not cheated. Yes I have tried the back rub being more supportive taking our child off her hands even when I’m dead tired from working all day. Attempting and finally finishing the mountain like washing up. When all I want to do after being on my feet all day is sit down for 30minutes. I would like a reward for doing my part at the end of week or any time. A reward than she would enjoy which is being intimate with each other. This happens 4 times a year. So do you think its my thought if I end up cheating. I hope I never would. But finding a painless way off killing myself is even hardy than cheating. I would leave a wife and daughter behind if I cheated or if I died. If I cheat I can still give answers. If I die, the wife may know why. The daughter will have no father. The bottom line is that the stress of the relationship can build up so much that you need to relieve the stress before things go wrong. Stress builds up very quickly. Sex is a good stress reliever. It brings couples closer to. Holding it back from your spouse will just make matters worse. If she wants it do it. She will feel better, your life will be less stressed, and she will give you all sorts of beautiful comments. And. If he wants it, do it, he will love you more, he will do more to make sure you stay that way, (as the book says. But not in these words). Like I said. I’m a man. And it looks like you women are having these issues because your drawing them into you life.
NOW FOR MY BLUNT ANALYSIS. The man cheats his way into getting what he wants. The woman cheats into getting what she wants. Both man and woman can be cheaters. Some men are better behaved than women. Some women are better behaved than men. You married the person your with to keep them happy. If you can’t keep them happy then maybe you shouldn’t be with them. Cheating will not make your spouse happy. If they cheated to get with you, what makes you think that when things are bad they won’t cheat on you. If they can do it once. Then can most likely do it again. And if you can’t keep up with the demands of your partner. Don’t be surprised if the look elsewhere. IT’S YOUR DUTY ON YOUR PART IF YOU WANT TO STAY WITH THE PERSON YOUR WITH. keep them happy.
Nowadays, you cannot trust your husband. I think every wife needs to monitor her husband. Hiring a detective is unaffordable. So I recommend you just use the mobile spy software or computer key logger programs to monitor your husband’s activity.
I agree we think men are not emotional because they don’t show it the way we do.
Most husbands don’t go out looking for sex people….they build a emotion connection with this other woman first..now ask your self why? because you probably blame your man for everything,put him down,blow him off, sex is just sex to men nothing more and trust me its not sex he is yearning for its something lacking from the relationship but we women dont like to see what we did wrong(men and women cheat for the same reasons something is lacking) this is from experience being a cheater and being cheated on.
Not saying its right to cheat but, just because men have sex when they cheat does not mean they cheat for sex.
Also Most men are in denial about why they cheat because of society.
when i meet my partner 3 years ago, he was so lovely but greek and having friends who had been in awful relationships with greek men i was reluctant to see him and explained why because i had been cheated on in the past and was totally devastated by it, he told me he was not that way inclined and would never do such a thing to me…i trusted him so much..our relationship was fantastic to start with,i was so in love with him and within months i gave up my rented house and moved in with him…i thought i had meet the perfect man and i wanted to make him happy..there was nothing i wouldnt do for him..we talked about marriage and did everything together…i couldnt have asked for a better man…then after a few months i started to realise he lied about stupid things to me and the lies escalulated into bigger ones and the relationship was not as strong but i kept working at it, then we were both not working and had to struggle finacially which was really tough….a year and a half into our relationship i found a job and at the time we nearly lost the house however i saved the house and paid the mortgage and the arrears which litually took up all my wages..I was working for 8 months when i started to become ill…i was totally exhausted from work and home life because he was not working and did little in the house, which meant i didnt get a break at weekends, we also had my son and his son living in the house…anyway to cut the story short he got a text from a woman telling him she was having dirty thoughts about him, i was numb !! i confronted him and he said it must be for his 18 year old son but i called the number and found he was e-mailing and texting an ex girlfriend who lives 200 miles away for the last 7 years on and off, they swapped dirty pictures, discussed meeting up for sex…i was devasted…so for the whole of my relationship he was cheating on me over the internet… i can express the pain inside me…i was torn to pieces…i spoke to the girl in question and she said she had no idea about me…he said she meant nothing and he did it because i was working and he was bored at home…..after many rows and tears i said i would give him another chance…that was 9 months ago and not one day had gone by were i dont still feel the pain..on top of that i received an e-mail from a another woman claiming she had sex last year in his car with him…i have also had major problems with his son who has stolen money from me and lied to his father about me trying to make me look like a horrible person, i have left a few times and come back and now i feel like im on the verge of a break down, i have become this person that is not me…i am happy one day and the next i am a wreck, i have slapped him across the face, i have thrown items across the room and this is not me…..he said the new woman claimig to have sex with him is made up, he said he is being set up and he doesnt know her….i am at the end of my wits….i am so sad and feel so betrayed….i gave up so much to be with him, i saved his house, i asked him to put my name on the mortgage and he said no…should i just leave ???
I have a problem w/Dr. whats his names reasons on why men cheat. I don’t see any mention of him suggesting that these men be responsible for their actions. Cheating, obviously, isn’t the answer. If these men can take the time to cheat, why don’t they take the time to just communicate with their significant other? It’s really selfish and immature. So, it’s okay that they go elsewhere for validation that they are appreciated, but then it’s okay for them to not appreciate and neglect their wives? I’m not saying that it’s not normal to find other people attractive, or to be sexually attracted to them, but when someone acts on it, and uses lame excuses that their partner isn’t appreciating them, that’s ridiculous. Yes, maybe it’s true, but maybe the husband needs to step up and find out what’s going on in the marriage… maybe give your wife a nice back rub, flowers.. tell her you love her… and do it consistently. You get what you give. But to run off with another woman, will not help anyone. They’re just excuses. That’s all this so called “expert” on Oprah is doing… giving excuses for these men acting like immature, selfish jerks. Ladies… figure out a plan to get yourself out of a relationship with a selfish, unappreciative man. He will not change. He will tell you what you want to hear, just to keep things on even keel, while you’re sick to your stomach, upset every day, and have zero trust in his sorry ass.. which, by the way, you’re justified in feeling that way. Don’t blame yourself (unless you’re a real bitch and know you’re torturing him), he’s responsible for every action he partakes in. Put your foot down. Stand up for yourself, and leave. Unless you want to go through an entire lifetime of hell, and having your children watch it go down… you deserve better, and so do your kids. Make better choices next time when it comes to a man… not these selfish, instant-gratifying losers. Let him know you feel unappreciated, and leave.
Hi,
I’ve been married to my husband for a little over a year now, and been together for five. After being together for three years he ran into his ex one night. A week later she started to text and email him, innocent at first but it quickly turned sexual. He continued it for six months, I felt a change and pointed it out after four or five months. Instead of being honest he asked me to marry him and made it seem like the stress from work and asking me to marry him was why things were weird. I didn’t know what was going on but felt unsure about things. I accepted the marriage proposal bu he went back to the emailing texting and phone calls, sending pics back and forth etc. I tried to keep up our sex life but he wouldn’t be aroused by anything I tried…and I tried. We had a few blow outs the year of our engagement. Five weeks to our wedding I got an email from the ex telling me what had been going on up until the week prior. When confronted I wanted to call off the wedding. He had an emotional breakdown. Promised it was a mistake and he only wanted to be with me it was for the emotional boost…I don’t understand that because I made changes to
my life to give him what he said he needed. Long story short he wanted to go to couselling and fix us. I still loved him, and believed him. We got married five weeks later.
Fast fwd to today, he has not been going to the counsellor regularily he still goes but sporadically. He lies about the smallest things that make me wonder if he has a big lie. He gets defensive, doesn’t do the things or meets the expectations that he sets out for himself or the ones we create together. He let our first anniversary pass with no effort. I am ready to leave, but I feel like we haven’t given it the chance yet to be better than it was before all of this. I said if he wants to be single or with someone else I am willing to move on because I cannot be disrespected anymore. He says he is not cheating and only wants to be with me, and is willing to do what it takes, but it feels like words because he doesn’t do what it takes and I don’t k ow if I even do love him anymore. I don’t know what to do…I have a great career fantastic friends and family all who have encouraged us to work on thi ga because they see us and think we compliment each other well by our personalities, but they don’t know the emptiness of all the lies cheating and broken promises. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Hi ex works a a bank and breached policies and went into my personal files, she saw me trying on wedding dresses. He said he didn’t want to hurt me but he ik ew about all of it and let someone invade my personal life in more ways than one. It’s funny he said he didn’t think what he was doing was affecting us yet once I stopped he was up to having sex the way he did when we first started dating. He wants me to treat him a cartai. Way so he can feel good, but I cannot he hasn’t even made me feel like marrying him was the right decision. How am I supposed to make him feel good–especially when I don’t think he is a good person anymore? Just a childish selfish arrogant jerk.
J
My husband is cheating on me.. I don’t have proof that he has had sex with any of the women, although I do suspect he has.. But he definitely emotionally chests on me several times with several women. He just ended a 2 month emotional possibly sexual affair and has moved on already to another emotional affair. I don’t know what to do. I am 7 months pregnant with a little one at home as well. I could never do this to him. I tell him I love him all the te and how much I appreciate him… Yet he would rather text these other women. I believe he likes the chase and excitement he gets and then once he feels he got what he wanted from ghat person he moves on to another. I want to leave him.. I am just not sure when I will. I need more strength to leave which I do not have right now. I have only known about the cheating for s few months now but I suspect he has been doing this for years… I have asked him to go to counseling with me but he won’t. I think I will just go to counseling and get dome tools I need to have the strength to leave him.
I feel for all these people with sad stories! Seems like a real life soap opera. I myself haven’t caught my bf cheating, just talking once to a woman online, kind of explicitly and inviting her on skype to see each other, etc while I was away; after confronting him he erased that person from FB and skype… but left we with doubts about my trust. His excuse: that he was bored!
In my absence he talked to his ex, has all these women who talks to online on skype and erases his history… but says nothing would ever happen bc he loves me etc etc. And it makes me feel frustrated. On the one hand I love him and would never do anything to harm his feelings, I have dedicated myself to him… and on the other I see him as a flirt, esp behind my back. I’ve been cheated on in the past, so am being very conservative about this one. I think I may lack trust in general, but i would never lack it without proofs and serious reasons. Now he takes his phone with him in the bathroom, feels like hiding from me, and I am left unspoken. And he’s going to the Christmas office party alone, at a hotel (where a secretary that likes him will go as well).
I have a slight issue with Neuman’s reasons men cheat…my husband started cheating on me 1 1/2 months after our wedding day (as far as I could discover). Hardly enough time to feel unappreciated, distance in the marriage and dwingling sex…Until I discovered his multiple, long-term affairs I was the most happy, appreciative, supportive, maddly in love (still after 9 years) wife. I told him daily I loved him, I told him when I felt proud of him, I told him I was the luckiest woman in the world for having married him. Did I mention the amazing, crazy, mind-blowing sex?
Well…turns out, other women were (more) appreciative of him, (more) supportive, (more) maddly in love with him, (more) proud of him. As for the sex, since these were/are long-distance affairs (I mean long distance as in not-on-the-same-continent-distance), not sure how our sex-in-the-car, sex-in-the-park, sex-under-the-fireworks (etc) measured to their mere sexting dirty words…but maybe this is what he really longed for? Anyway, at every opportunity, he would turn to them to seek more, and always more. Me telling him I was proud of him for something he did was not enough. He needed THEM to be proud of him. Me telling him how much I was happy with him was not enough. He needed THEM to say how much they could wait to be with him again. Me telling him how much I appreciated everything he did for me was not enough. He would turn to them to make sure THEY appreciated him.
Anyway, you get the jist. I was there all along, HE decided this was not enough. He decided to give his love to other women. There is nothing more I could have done to “affair proof my marriage” (what a joke). He drained me emotionally. He certainly did not want to please me. He was to concentrated on pleasing them. And this is what he brought on to him: I am not appreciating him anymore, I cannot be proud of him anymore, I am not happy with him anymore. I cannot give him love anymore because other women provide him with plenty and my love for him, obviously does not rate. Sex? Why. It appears that their sexting is fulfiling. Toughtful gestures? Why. He prefers the ones that they do for him. He would prefer to wake up with one of them by his side instead of me. He would prefer to be celebrating Valentines Day with one of them instead of me. He thinks about them constantly. Hell, one of them even beat me to wishing him happy birthday (as she hoped!). So what am I in all this? The wife. As it was a disease.
The sad part is: I have a successful career of which he should be proud of. I have always been there for him, which he should appreciate. I am intelligent, pretty, faithful, committed, outgoing, active, with a great personality which at one point made him want to marry me no?. All his significant others are emotionally dependant, demanding (you want to talk about demanding wives? Talk about demanding mistresses!), high-maintenance, undereducated, not politically astute, unemployed (not sure if they even ever worked), alone, have no careers and do not even seem to have hobbies, believe all his lies but stick around because they have an eye on his (non-existent) wealth (he tells them that he has millions in contracts). They all ask for more and more from him. Vacations in high-end resorts, more calls, more time, more attention. There is no way I could ever compete against that.
Sorry this was long but it is out of my chest and I fell better.
Laurie:
Married 24 years, with children. Long history, but simply: How do I trust my husband again after he put up dating profiles and was caught and he is a traveling man most of the month? He has sent red flags from his travels to me, but I have no proof of any ongoing affair or one night stands…and we are in counseling. He gets fed up because I don’t trust him after several years and he wants to leave sometimes because he says he doesn’t make me happy and if I can’t trust him it will never work. He says his red flags were not flags and that I will look “for anything” to be a red flag. Some of his flags were not wearing his wedding ring on a trip, he stays out very late from his hotel room (work is over) and he says he has every right to stay out late to release energy and “have fun.” I tell him staying out that late and not taking me out when he returns is wrong. That he should not act like that as a married man and he says I am controlling and disagrees and says that if I trusted him, then it doesn’t matter how late he stays out or if at all. I don’t go out like that and he says “Go, I trust you.” He says he learned what he did was wrong and wants to be trusted. HIs job can’t change and he makes good money and it is a career as a pilot and we depend on his job and he says he loves it and won’t ever quit. Please help. This has been going on way too long and I am sad, depressed, lonely, and untrusting.
Dear laurie, i am 22 years old and about three months ago i found an ex boyfriend of mine. We havnt spoken are talked for about 8 years. But for some reason i have thought about him over the years and have never stopped living him. Even thought about hooking up with a boy that reminded me alot about him. Ive always loved him and for some reason thought that one day we would find eachother again because it was fate. I know i sound corney but its very true. So when we hung out for the first time it was like we never stopped talking and it was so easy the chemisrty was crazy. Each time we apent more and more time together the desire got stronger. Till finally we had sex. Which wouldnt be a problem but he has a gf that hes been seeing for 6 months. He told me a couple of times that he was going to break it off with her but didnt. Really thought she was gojng to leave him
When he told her about us but she wanted to work it out with him. He has told me his feelings about
Me n how much he loves me. And he wants to e single. But he wont break up with her bc he doesnt want to hurt her and hea close to her family. I just want to know your advice. Im madly in lice with him and we both desided to soend sometime apart n not talk. Its been a week today and i just still know hes the one for me. What should i do? And do you think im an idiot in live for believing him?
Hi, I’m Sunny, I’m 23 yrs old with 2 children with one on the way. I’ve been with my partner for only 2 yrs and throughout the 2 yrs he has cheated with countless women. Also, he has concieved another child during his cheating. With the pressure of the cheating,another baby(with another woman),parenting,pregnant, and working I eventually ended up having a nervous breakdown and hospitalized. My “partner” turned his back on me as well as our family. A couple monthds ago he decided to come back and make things work. He said he loved me n promised to never hurt me aggain. Of coarse I didn’t believe a damn thing he said but I gave it a try, for our kids sake. Since then he has been wonderful. Some days I pick arguments and bring up his past, which now he’s completely honest about, -ive tried to leave because I don’t trust him but he for the first time in 2 yrs won’t give up on uds. He always calling when he’s not around and he does anything to make me feel secure in our rrelationship. My question is, how can I learn to trust him again? I do love him so much, and I feel like this time he’s honestly doing the right thing. But because of his past its hard for me to let him in my heart again. I’m scared, what should I do!? Help