Is Your Marriage Over? 7 Signs Your Spouse is Ending the Relationship
Is Your Marriage Over?
While I can’t tell you if your marriage is over, I can share a few signs your spouse doesn’t want to be married anymore.
Even if one stage of your marriage is over, it doesn’t necessarily mean your spouse wants to end the whole relationship. Marriages go through phases of love, ups and downs.
“In my work doing marriage coaching, I have noticed that very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom,” says marriage coach Mort Fertel, who offers an alternative to marriage counseling. “It’s not until they’ve been through the worst that things start to get better.”
Maybe your marriage is over, or maybe you just need a tune-up from a marriage coach or book. One of the bestselling marriage books on Amazon is Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. Perhaps what’s missing from your marriage is love and respect?
7 Signs Your Marriage is Over
Remember marriage coach Mort Fertel’s words: just because you’re struggling with problems in your relationship, doesn’t mean your marriage is headed for divorce court! The following issues may represent the end of one stage of your marriage….and may herald the beginning of a new, healthier chapter of life.
In fact, Mort says cheating husbands are more likely to build stronger marriages.
Your partner can’t see the reality of your marriage
If your spouse doesn’t understand how his actions are affecting you – and even worse, refuses to compromise – then your marriage will be difficult to rebuild. To rise from rock bottom, both partners have to see how their actions or inactions are affecting the relationship – and both partners have to be willing to work on it. If your spouse refuses to accept responsibility, then you have to decide if you want to stay in your marriage the way it is…or end it.
Your spouse sees how thing are, but doesn’t care
You can communicate until you’re blue in the face, but if your partner doesn’t care how you feel or whether the relationship is healthy, then perhaps it’s a sign your marriage is over. Marriage coach Mort Fertel says, “Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that they don’t care what their spouse thinks or feels. They “got it,” but “it” doesn’t matter to them anymore.” Communication is secondary to caring.
You don’t connect with your spouse
When you first got married, you probably felt understood, heard, and connected with your partner. Time passes, and the stress of daily life and kids and jobs and money and house all take a toll…and you find that you’re not connecting anymore. This isn’t necessarily a sign your marriage is over – it just means you need to make the time and effort to reconnect. Read 10 Ways to Improve a Bad Relationship for tips on improving your relationship.
You have different visions of the future of your marriage
He wants a four million dollar home on oceanfront property; you want to live in a cottage in the country. He wants six children; you’d rather be childfree. He wants his mom and aunt to live with you in his four million dollar home; you can barely tolerate Christmas dinner together. To keep your marriage together, you need to agree on your vision as a couple or family – and put each other first (and your financial goals, parents, or careers second).
You’re not physically intimate (not always a sign your marriage is over)
This may not be a sure way to tell if your marriage is over — it depends on your physical and mental health – but if you have no love life to speak of, then you probably aren’t connecting on an intimate emotional and physical level. The less you connect, the less healthy your relationship is…and the more likely your spouse is ending the relationship.
When a Marriage is Over and a Spouse Ends the Relationship
You fight the “wrong” way in your marriage
If you can’t focus on the topic of your argument, opting instead to bring up past mistakes or reopen old wounds, then your marriage may be leaning towards “over.” The more past conflicts come into current arguments, the less healthy your marriage is. This may not be a certain sign your marriage is over, because it’s actually fairly easily remedied if both spouses are willing.
You partner cheats and wants to end the relationship
Many couples survive marital infidelity, and even have a stronger bond because of the cheating. Other couples split up right away, while other marriage limp along for years or decades…and the cheating partner remains unfaithful. Cheating in and of itself isn’t necessarily a way to tell if your marriage is over…it’s how the partners act after the infidelity that determines if they’ll stay together.
The Psychology of Love
- 7 Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage - plus a free relationship assessment from Mort Fertel
- How to Get Your Ex Back
- Even If It Seems Hopeless – The Magic of Making Up
If you’re struggling to move on, read 75 Ways to Let Go of the Past. I interviewed psychologists, life coaches, counselors, and grief experts on the best ways to survive loss.
What do you think of these signs your spouse is ending your marriage? I welcome your comments below.
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Marriage Tips, Solving Relationship Problems
I’ve been in a relationship for 14 years and married for 5 of those years. We have 3 children we both adore and our priority. For the past 3 years I’d say our relationship has been a rollercoaster; we get a long great, we communicate, spend time together then something snaps; either because I didn’t do something, or did it wrong or did something I did but wasn’t suppose to do. He will get really angry and blame me for whatever it is. He thinks I am a mindreader. He goes thru this atleast 2x a year; this last time he said he had enough and was going to be moving out. I didn’t think he would because of the other times we would have fights like this in the past. Now he really left; I am so hurt and heartbroken. How do I accept this is the end? How can I carry on without him? He is the love of my life!
I am hoping that by typing out my woes I will be able to come to a decision on what I should do. In my relationship of 5 1/2 years when it is good it is very very good but when it goes bad it is awful. Currently we do not live together as I have had to move to another town to support youngest sons education. Organising to do this was fraught with difficulty. Lots of sulking and accusations of you don’t love me etc. In the end I just went ahead and did it. My husband is not my son’s father. After I told him that he was an abusive man and I was not going to put up with it any longer he went and got some counselling. It seem to help. Things have been good, not ideal but good until this weekend. We had an argument and one of the things he said to me “when it comes to the important thnings we just can’t communicate about it”. He also said that “you have a really long memory and that he has no doubt that what we were arguing about will come back to haunt him”. The thing is that what we were arguing about I agreed with the decision that had to be made. That was the Friday night. Saturday night I ring him up and after the usual pleasantries he launched into a tirade and said that he was going to this, this and this. He then said that he guessed that there wasn’t much else to talk about and hung up. I was stunned and realised that things haven’t really changed at all. The only difference being that because we have been separated and because we haven’t been living together it has lessened the impact of negative behaviour. Now I know logically I should ring him back and say that I understand that the decision needed to be made and i am not disagreeing with him but I don’t like the way he went about it. This decision is extremly difficult and emotional for me and he has not acknowledged that in any way. I always feel that it is me trying to make right with him. Also I have a chronic health condition and have been told to minimise stress as much as possible. It is all about him and his money. I guess what saddened me most is that I have realised that he hasn’t actually changed at all, it has just been sleeping. I am scheduled to move back with him beginning of next year but now I am wondering if it is going to be right for me. Perhaps this blow up over the weekend is a message to me.
Trisha,
I am very sorry to hear about your marriage problems — my heart goes out to you. It can be so difficult to know what to do or where to turn, or if your marriage is over or if it can’t be saved…I know how hard it is.
I can’t give you personal or marriage advice, but I do encourage you to get strong and healthy emotionally, physically, spiritually, and even professionally. I know it seems hard or even impossible to get healthy and strong again, but it’s really important to move forward.
The best general advice I have is to learn how to let go of your husband. This doesn’t necessarily mean separation or divorce — though it could! More, it means getting yourself strong and healthy. Letting go means taking good care of yourself, so you can see what the next step is. Letting go is about getting strong so you can do what you need to do.
Where and how do you start getting healthy and letting go? You try different things until you find what works for you. Maybe a marriage counseling program will help. Maybe you need to do something, such as changing your life — perhaps by moving to a different city, traveling, or getting individual counseling. Some people find physical spa treatments helpful, or alternative therapies such as reiki or energy healing.
There are SO many ways to get healthy and move on! The trick is to find what works for you.
I wrote an ebook to help people let go after a breakup, called Letting Go of Someone You Love: 75 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart and Let Go of the Past
Check it out; it may be just what you need to get strong and prepare for whatever is coming next.
I hope it helps, and wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie,
We have been married for 10 years. we dated for a year, I am in second marraige, he has had four, which I found out by suprise in this past year. 4 months after we were married I was shocked to find out he had accepted over 100,000 a bills from his ex wife who had kicked him out and he was still paying her credit cards for 8 years. I was livid. Needless to say the trust was broken right away and our life became very difficult. My husband is great with words of agreement, but breaks any agreements we make. If the temperature get a little “hot” in the house the agreement is gone or he “doen’t remember.” We have not had sex for almost 3 years. He is one to try for a few times and if it doesn’t work…he’s gone. He spends ,most of his time in his office upstairs. We are older, 59 and 75, I detest being around him. He is retired and the economy does not afford a job for someone my age who cannnot be on their feet all day. We watched the movie fireproof separtely and he tried for 3-4 times and when it did not go his way he retreated. I have been in counseling for years and when suggested for us both to go he decided to go to his own counselor…alone. No suprise. He lives vicariously through me, has no hobbies, friends, interests and quite frankly I have exhausted my efforts, marraige suggested readings etc. He takes no accountability for his neglect or “conditional” effort. He will not read a book because he had to read a lot 40 years ago. the front of “looking good” has become weary and I have become very angry and short fused. I believe the marraige is over, we cannot afford to split. What to do… He is helpful if I ask him and remind him and remind him again. He is responsible with payments and watches tv and surfs the net. He has needed a hearing aid for 7 years and will not get one, (too stubborn)that has been very difficult. His mom passed last year and for te yeas she was here in the city. She was his priority and that was made very clear. we have no birthday, anniversary celebrations, get aways. We can’tbe in a car together or there is complete silence. He has and has not had dreams, goals for our future since I met him. He just said what was neeed for me to hear and it was much mistruth. Looking for counsel.
Laurie,
My husband and I dated for three years and have been married for a year and three months. Up until we got married I was excited and in love and everything was great, because I refused to acknowledge any of his flaws. He lived with his parents and never had to do chores, his room was always a mess, and he was very into his computer and video games. I was stupid and didn’t realize that all of these behaviors would continue when we got married, so since then I have basically been depressed and constantly upset about the dishes, the laundry, the dirty bathroom, the clutter… everything. I know it isn’t fair to ask him to change but I can’t live with the mess and with someone who is comfortable being so messy. I need it neater. I feel so guilty because I married him… and I’m supposed to stay by his side and be faithful, right? I feel so guilty for feeling like marriage was a mistake. He’s been with me for my entire adult life (started dating when I was 18, got married TOO SOON at 21, and it’s been hellish and touch-and-go ever since.
I think in my mind I know it’s over but I cannot bring myself to tell him I want to leave. I know he won’t change. Not anytime soon at least. I don’t know what to do.
Dear Reese,
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through in your marriage. And as far as knowing that it was a mistake to marry him — isn’t it amazing what our bodies know, even if we can’t quite admit or accept it?
I encourage you to get in-person support. Call a counselor, social worker, spiritual leader, or a women’s helpline. You need to talk to someone in person who can help you figure out the best steps for you and your marriage.
You know what you need to do….it’s just that it’s difficult to do it. I think you know your marriage is over, but you’re having a hard time taking the actual steps to leaving your husband. No matter how unhealthy or difficult a marriage is, it’s really hard to leave. You’re not alone, my friend.
Please talk to someone who can give you objective, professional support. You’re already headed in the right direction — reaching out for help and sharing what you’ve been through — and now you need to surround yourself with resources that will give you the strength and courage you need.
In Letting Go of Someone You Love: 75 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart and Let Go of the Past, I offer practical, effective tips from psychologists, life coaches, counselors, and mediators for breaking up and moving on. It might help you.
I wish you all the best — and welcome you back anytime to update me on how you’re doing!
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear Laurie,
My husband and I have been together for a little over 3 and half years and we’ve been married for a year and 3 months. Things have not been going well for quite some time. For the last 3 weeks we haven’t even been living together. He clearly has anger issues, he always has, but they have progressively gotten worse and worse. When we first met he had a lot of dependency on alcohol, he asked me for help to stop drinking and for a while he had it under control, but the last few months he has been returning to his old habits. He is constantly accusing me of cheating, to the point of literally saying it everyday. But this is just insane, because his jealousy is so bad that I only go out with him. I avoid girl’s night and me time to avoid horrendous fights. He’s constantly threatening me that he’s done, he wants a divorce, etc, but then shortly after begs for forgiveness. It has become a vicious circle. It seems as though he begs for forgiveness because he realizes everything he has to give up, I’m the bread winner in the relationship, I take care of all the bills and if he doesn’t stay with me he has to go live with his parents. Did I mention I’m 25 yrs old and he’s 30, it’s an awful lot of pressure because I take care of everything. His fits of anger have actually gotten to the point of truly scaring me, he starts punching and hitting things, it’s really bizarre. He has these ups and downs that remind of someone that is bi-polar. The sad part is as much as I’ve always loved him and part of me has always known that I made a mistake. Ever time my mind is made up and I’m ready to throw in the towel he somehow sucks me back in. As soon as I start to change my mind wondering if we can make it work, he acts like a crazed maniac, thus reminding me of why I want out. Like I mentioned earlier it’s a vicious circle and happens like clock work now. I believe the right thing for me to do is move on, but I can’t seem to make that happen. Since I keep getting drawn back in I start to wonder if I’m giving up to soon. But I’m so tired of fighting, being hurt, let down, you name it. I mean my husband actually talks bad about me behind my back, that can’t be normal, right? Unfortunately there are so many more issues I haven’t even touched on, but I’m hoping that with the information I have given you might be able to provide me with some insight into how to handle this and the direction I should be headed!
Thanks in advance for thoughts!
Well, I can say that my marriage is still working because none of is experiencing those 7 something.
i have been married for 3 years and we just recently seperated and i know its my fault. i couldnt let go of the fact that she lied to me about sleeping with someone even when i asked her before we got married if she need to tell me anything. when she told me last october what had happened i felt as if our marriage was false and i always threw it in her face. Now reality has set in and i would rather change my ways and get her back then to be mad at her for the past and be lonely but i dont know how she feels. Because from october untill she left we fought everyday and i know its my fault what should i do?
Hi Vanessa,
Common law definitions and laws vary from state to state. The best way to find out if you’re in a common law relationship is to call a divorce lawyer or lawyer helpline that has the answers for your particular state.
Dear Romey,
I’m so sorry to hear about your marriage — it sounds like you’re in alot of pain, and you love your wife very much.
Unfortunately, if she doesn’t want to save your marriage and isn’t willing to work on the relationship, then I don’t know what you can do. It takes both spouses to save a marriage…and of course you can’t force her to work things out with you.
Perhaps you could send her a note (on paper, because it’s more meaningful somehow) and making one last appeal. Tell her why you love her and why you don’t want your marriage to be over. Tell her what you miss about her. Suggest that you and she go to marriage counseling to figure out how to connect better.
All marriages have problems, and it takes both spouses to work through those problems and reconnect in a meaningful, healthy way.
Perhaps before you make your last appeal to her to save your marriage, you could talk to a counselor. Maybe it would help to get professional insight into your relationship and personalities. And, if she knows you’re that serious about not ending your marriage, she might reconsider and try to work things out!
I don’t know if this will work, but it may be worth a try. It’s something to think about, at least.
Blessings,
Laurie
I was just wondering if you are still considered common law if your fiance is planning on working 8 hours away and doesn’t plan on coming home except to pick up his son from his ex every second weekend?
I’m Indian and Married to Romanian (Girl). We used to work in same company but on different locations and fall in love, it was kind of distance relationship..but something unbelievable. Almost 6 months we talked like this way and then decided to marry..She reached to India and we married. As our decision was to stay in Romania I accompany her there…In the beginning things were beautiful but gradually sweet turned in to sour…I take all responsibility as I was scared for my career…cause of global economy downfall I could get no job in Romania. Whenever I try talked about on this matter to my wife she got upset….she always said there are many people jobless don’t worry I am with you..but my esteem was not allowing me to sit back and peruse life on my wife’s salary…my biggest frustration not was, I have no job but I could do nothing for her….whenever we used to go out I could buy nothing for her and I always felt so bad, being a husband I was not able to do what I need to (take care of her by all means) it pinched me always…..
I stood in Romania For 8 months, then we mutually decided we shift to India, but she added she will come after 4 months…till I settle down. I reached India but my depratation keep on rising….one night I was talking to my wife and she made me feel she does not have time for me always…but want time for herself…I got too much angry and we fall in to fight….I could not control myself and asked her if you are not happy with me then take divorce and be happy and hang up the call. Next morning when I apologies to her but she listen nothing and asked for her space.
She said she is confused and want to stay married but want to see herself next to the person who deserves her, and If I am the one god help me. Being Indian I knew nothing about this space thing and keep on arguing her to forgive me. Last time when we talked …she added….
I don’t see u as a husband
I have affection for u like for a person I care about but not like for a counterpart
and the love i had for you gone with time as you made me enough of cry…
Now its almost 21 days we haven’t talked, I don’t know what to do….she asked me to move on but I want to save my marriage as she mean everything for me.
Please suggest me best possible.
I am married now 26 yrs. We both were in our 20′s when we wed. My husband now has health issues like ED and High Blood Pressure. He started taking Viagra, now we hardly touch, nevermind making love or having sex.Our last sexual encounter he made the statement that making love is a hassle! This hurt!
I feel we have nothing in common and we are hardly in the same room together.
Why do I feel it is so hard to leave? I have a place to go when/if I leave.I am depressed over this situation and I am afraid of making a terrible mistake. I have invested 26 yrs. in this marriage. What now?
I’m 24 years old and I have been married to my 25 year old husband for 5 and a half years now. We were rushed into our marriage (by means of baby-making) but really were in love in the beginning.
This sounds just like everyone else, things were good, then changed to bad…He doesn’t cheat on me, or hang out with his friends too much – as a matter of fact he stays right here almost 24 hours a day. We have 3 kids, which is why I haven’t left to date. If we were to split up he would move back near his family which is 8 hours away – a little hard for my kids.
I try my best to fix our problems, I’ve been trying to change my behaviors to make things better, but it’s a one way street. He refuses to acknowledge that there is anything wrong with him – he’s just perfect. His ignoring of me, lack of sexual activity, never leaving the home together unless it’s to drop the kids at daycare has driven to the edge and over it! I’ve been in various counseling sessions – not that any of that worked. I have also read the ‘How to leave your husband.’ article, it makes sense, and sounds so easy – but clearly it isn’t. No money, no place to go, and the kids?
my hubby and i have been together 2years but out of the two we have only been married for a year. we started out as friends becaues i have 2 older children. then after we got married long come our newborn and then thats when i started to see the long hrs he put in at work and than the change to myself and my 2 older children .he and myslef don’t speack much anymore to one another or look at one another like we did before. his attiued to my children have changed. need help understanding what to do or how to feel about this.
thank u kell
Hi Lynn,
I’ve read your comment and answered your question on that article:
How to Cope With Difficult Parents – for Adult Children
Best wishes,
Laurie
Hi Laurie,
I see you are on this page frequently, so I thought I would ask you for help here. I wrote a lengthy comment on the page dealing with difficult parents, and I desperately need some help or advice. I don’t know what to do…it’s going to ruin my marriage and/or my life soon. Please read it and see if you can help me at all. I would greatly appreciate any insight you may have. I’m desperate!!!
Thank you,
Lynn
Wilna,
I’m sorry to hear about your marriage — like you said, it’s not a real marriage at all. And, it’s negatively affecting your emotional and mental health, which isn’t good!
I just wrote a reply to Heather up above, and I want you to read it as if I was writing it to you. You need to gather a strong in-person support network, and find out what resources you can tap into.
Second, you might consider leaving our husband on a trial basis. Move out, give yourself and him a chance to figure out if your marriage is over. The time and distance might do you both good. Sometimes it’s difficutl to see what big life decision we should make when were in the thick of it all…but stepping out of our marriages through a separation can bring clarity and objectivity. And, that clarity can help you know if it’s time to end your relationship.
And, read How to Leave Your Husband — it might help you prepare (or maybe it’ll help you decide to stay and make your marriage work somehow)!
Let me know how things go….I hope this helps.
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear Heather,
I’m sorry to hear about your marriage — you sound frustrated, sad, and stuck. My heart goes out to you, especially since you have kids whose needs must also be met!
The first thing you need to do is build a support network of friends and strong women who can help you. I know it’s not easy, but you need to reach out and connect with other women. Pay attention to your kids’ friends’ parents, your neighbors, the women in your exercise class or at the park. Take a deep breath, screw up your courage, and talk to them. Invite them for coffee or a play date.
Second, call a women’s support line. I don’t know what resources exist in your area, but many cities and towns can offer some type of support. You need to find out what your rights are, what your husband’s rights are (with regards to the kids). It’s important to protect yourself!
Taking actions like these will help you feel empowered, which will help you decide if your marraige is over or if you and your husband need to work at it.
And, here’s an article that will help if you decide to end your marriage:
How to Leave Your Husband
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best. Let me know how you’re doing!
Laurie
hi Lauri,
Thanks for the comments, i see that i am not alone..
My husband commited suicide in 2000 and left me and our 2 boys (then 6 and 7) without any policies or any financial help. I were single for 5 years and met my current husband which i married 13 days later. We were married shortly when i fell pregnant – our beautiful girl is now 5 and my sons 16 and 17.
I am my new husbands 4th wife. He has a handicapped son that lives with us, the son is now 28 years old, he is agressive and my husbands feeling of guilt means that he has to go out of his way all the time to give his son a normal life, he runs around like crazy to make him happy, i am therefore a very close second in his life, not first. When we got married i had no idea that things would turn out like they are, i love my husband and i am sure that he loves me. Problem is, we have almost no signs that we are married. I have slept alone in our bed for the last 6 years, he has to sleep with his son for security (medical) purposes. We do not share a dinner table and we seldom do things together, when we do have a chance to talk, he will fall asleep on the couch. We differ 18 years, i understand that he is tired, i also work and are tired too. My husband does not like my oldest son and to the degree that i had to move my son to live with my sister. I feel like all the dreams of love and intimacy of family will never be a reality for me again. I am very lonely and my heart breaks for my son and rebellious things that he starting to do. I have never used anything as escape and recently found that a few glasses of wine each night helps to dimm all the emotion.. we are bringing the ugliest out of each other, i some days don’t even recognise myself and are starting to believe my husbands bad words against me, and then he brings me tea every morning, he never skip, no matter how bad the fight was. We mostly fight about how he treat or speak to my boys. Our daughter are in the middle of this all, she does not deserve this. We have talked about divorce and then he threatens to take our daughter, and then the next morning he brings me tea again. This has been going on forever. Please advise on what you think i should do?
Hi
I have been married for five years, with my husband for twelve years. I’m not really sure if we should stay together or not. Last year I left him for three months then came back and now he says “he is just waiting for me to leave again”. We have been having the same fights for 12 years. They are- I don’t clean the house the way he thinks I should and I don’t have sex with him enough. I am not happy in our marriage but I feel like I’m stuck. We have a 10 year old and twin 3 years olds, I don’t have a job or a place to go. I have no friends and I can’t stay with my mom(she has her own issues). Everything inside me is screaming that in order for me to be happy I have to get away from this marriage, but I feel like I can’t. I’m scared that I will not be able to take care of my kids. I am also afraid that he won’t let me take the kids. He has never been physically abusive but recently when we start arguing he threatens that he will get violent with me, so now I’m scared of that too. I feel like I keep coming up with reasons not to leave. I know that it will be hard but how do you leave someone and keep your sanity at the same time?
Dear Whitney,
Again, sorry for the delay! It doesn’t sound like your dilemma is about whether your marriage is over…it’s more about staying strong enough to stick with your decision to leave.
I wrote this for you:
How to Stick to Your Decision to Leave Your Marriage
Let me know if it answers your questions — it’s all about getting and staying strong! One of my favorite topics.
I wish you all the best, and hope the article helps.
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear Sarah,
I’m sorry it took so long for me to respond — I’ve just moved to a new home, and have been swamped with house stuff!
I’ve given you four questions to think about in a blog post (my response was too long for this comments section!).
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay – Help for Failing Marriages
I hope it helps, and that you find the strength and courage to do what you think is best for you, your husband, and your son. And remember: the best decision isn’t necessariliy the easiest one!
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi i have been married now for 10 years I was married at 19 My husband and I have 2 great children but that seems like the only thing we have in common anymore. It seems like all we do is fight. I know I love him but not sure if it is a love of a spouse or more like a love of a brother. He works supports me and the girls he doesn’t cheat but has the most awful attitude anymore I don’t know if I want to leave or try and work it out sometimes I feel like i wish he would not come home for work Please help I am so confused