Is Your Marriage Over? 7 Signs Your Spouse is Ending the Relationship
Is Your Marriage Over?
While I can’t tell you if your marriage is over, I can share a few signs your spouse doesn’t want to be married anymore.
Even if one stage of your marriage is over, it doesn’t necessarily mean your spouse wants to end the whole relationship. Marriages go through phases of love, ups and downs.
“In my work doing marriage coaching, I have noticed that very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom,” says marriage coach Mort Fertel, who offers an alternative to marriage counseling. “It’s not until they’ve been through the worst that things start to get better.”
Maybe your marriage is over, or maybe you just need a tune-up from a marriage coach or book. One of the bestselling marriage books on Amazon is Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. Perhaps what’s missing from your marriage is love and respect?
7 Signs Your Marriage is Over
Remember marriage coach Mort Fertel’s words: just because you’re struggling with problems in your relationship, doesn’t mean your marriage is headed for divorce court! The following issues may represent the end of one stage of your marriage….and may herald the beginning of a new, healthier chapter of life.
In fact, Mort says cheating husbands are more likely to build stronger marriages.
Your partner can’t see the reality of your marriage
If your spouse doesn’t understand how his actions are affecting you – and even worse, refuses to compromise – then your marriage will be difficult to rebuild. To rise from rock bottom, both partners have to see how their actions or inactions are affecting the relationship – and both partners have to be willing to work on it. If your spouse refuses to accept responsibility, then you have to decide if you want to stay in your marriage the way it is…or end it.
Your spouse sees how thing are, but doesn’t care
You can communicate until you’re blue in the face, but if your partner doesn’t care how you feel or whether the relationship is healthy, then perhaps it’s a sign your marriage is over. Marriage coach Mort Fertel says, “Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that they don’t care what their spouse thinks or feels. They “got it,” but “it” doesn’t matter to them anymore.” Communication is secondary to caring.
You don’t connect with your spouse
When you first got married, you probably felt understood, heard, and connected with your partner. Time passes, and the stress of daily life and kids and jobs and money and house all take a toll…and you find that you’re not connecting anymore. This isn’t necessarily a sign your marriage is over – it just means you need to make the time and effort to reconnect. Read 10 Ways to Improve a Bad Relationship for tips on improving your relationship.
You have different visions of the future of your marriage
He wants a four million dollar home on oceanfront property; you want to live in a cottage in the country. He wants six children; you’d rather be childfree. He wants his mom and aunt to live with you in his four million dollar home; you can barely tolerate Christmas dinner together. To keep your marriage together, you need to agree on your vision as a couple or family – and put each other first (and your financial goals, parents, or careers second).
You’re not physically intimate (not always a sign your marriage is over)
This may not be a sure way to tell if your marriage is over — it depends on your physical and mental health – but if you have no love life to speak of, then you probably aren’t connecting on an intimate emotional and physical level. The less you connect, the less healthy your relationship is…and the more likely your spouse is ending the relationship.
When a Marriage is Over and a Spouse Ends the Relationship
You fight the “wrong” way in your marriage
If you can’t focus on the topic of your argument, opting instead to bring up past mistakes or reopen old wounds, then your marriage may be leaning towards “over.” The more past conflicts come into current arguments, the less healthy your marriage is. This may not be a certain sign your marriage is over, because it’s actually fairly easily remedied if both spouses are willing.
You partner cheats and wants to end the relationship
Many couples survive marital infidelity, and even have a stronger bond because of the cheating. Other couples split up right away, while other marriage limp along for years or decades…and the cheating partner remains unfaithful. Cheating in and of itself isn’t necessarily a way to tell if your marriage is over…it’s how the partners act after the infidelity that determines if they’ll stay together.
The Psychology of Love
- 7 Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage - plus a free relationship assessment from Mort Fertel
- How to Get Your Ex Back
- Even If It Seems Hopeless – The Magic of Making Up
If you’re struggling to move on, read 75 Ways to Let Go of the Past. I interviewed psychologists, life coaches, counselors, and grief experts on the best ways to survive loss.
What do you think of these signs your spouse is ending your marriage? I welcome your comments below.
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Marriage Tips, Solving Relationship Problems
Laurie,
I recently told my husband of a little over a year (we’ve been togehter 5 years total and have a 2 year old together) that I wanted a seperation. I’m not happy with our marriage and I havn’t been for a long time I don’t believe we should ever have gotten married but at the same time I love him and I’m so scared that I will change my mind. I work full time, go to school full time and take care of our daughter most of the time while he works at a restuarant as a server about 20-25 hours a week making little to know money (and he’s 6 years older). I’m tired of not only carrying the financial burden but of nothing being good enough. Nothing I do seems to be right for him I don’t clean or cook enough. We also are barely ever itimate I’m in my early 20′s and would like to have regular intercourse with my husband and it’s gotten to the point where I feel like I have to beg him to be with me and even when we are he acts like it’s a treat. I’m so scared that somehow he will talk me into staying with him (b/c he can not support himself), but on the other hand he is the father of my child and I don’t want to abandon him to be homeless (he has no family here). I just don’t know where to draw the line? When does it become him taking advantage of me? and how do I prevent him from talking me into staying especially when I KNOW that it would be bad?
hi, I am like a lot of the others that i read here: stuck. confused. not sure what to do. my husband and I have been married for 10 months, and almost as soon as the ring was on my finger – our relationship changed. We dated for a year and a half before marrying – his second marriage, and my first.
I knew going in that he was jealous – but was sure that it would be something I could live with – he wasn’t over the top, but then that’s exactly what it became. I’ve been accused of flirting, hitting on little 19 year old boys (I’m 38) and having affairs with men I work with, trying to seduce our pastor, etc – I have tried to reassure him, confessed my love for him, and reconfirmed that I was committed to this relationship…but it has spiralled. it’s become abusive – not in the physical sense – but emotional and mental. I have called him names and thrown things, and so has he. We are in counseling and have learned about ‘time-outs’ and the four horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) and I have sincerely been trying to show him and our relationship respect (although I have gotten frustrated and hurt, and called him an a$$$hole through tears, and hung up). He can be very mean to me, and it hurts. I have tried and tried, prayed and prayed – been rebuked, sneered at and ridiculed for turning to supportive friends for guidance. I even see my own counselor, but he doesn’t like that.
Through our marriage, he kept his own place, had taken the set of keys he had given me at the time of our wedding (it’s where our best man and his girlfriend stayed) and didn’t return them to me. He would stay out all night, not call, not come home – and when he did,he’d come home and drink – complain about me and our lack of sex…after our first counseling, he gave me a set of keys back…which I rejected, and shouldn’t have, but i am so full of anger and resentment…and still am. He moved out of the house (which I bought before the marriage) on May 10, but still has things in the house. He comes over and lets himself in when he wants (I have asked that he call beforehand)…and I have asked for the space to learn to let go of the anger and to forgive him, and miss him… but he won’t give me that space – and when we spend any time together, we end up fighting.
my questions? how can i continue to waffle? how do you know when it’s truly over? when you feel like you’ve failed, when you’re not sure if there’s anything left to save? and when your son (my son lives with me – is planning to move out, but has made it very clear that he hates the man I married – not because of my husband’s treatment of him, but because of the way my son has seen and heard my husband treat me) despises your husband? how do you forgive and move past?
Blessings to you – your comments and your site is much appreciated.
Dear Wendy,
I’m sorry to hear how bad you feel about yourself. Maybe that’s why you cheated on your husband: feeling bad about yourself is part of who you are, so you keep doing things that make you feel bad about yourself. Maybe you’re most comfortable when you’re beating yourself up for the things you do.
I don’t know if your marriage is over, or if you should try to save your relationship. But, I do know that counseling can be the best answer, the most helpful thing couples can do. Actually, I’m a big fan of individual counseling, not just marriage counseling.
I think you need to figure out why you cheated on your husband, and why you feel so bad about yourself. And, your husband needs to figure out why he’s willing to stay married no matter what you do! Once you both gain some insight into your own persoanlities and choices, then you can focus on whether it’s time to end the relationship or save your marriage.
I hope this helps — I’m sorry there aren’t any easy answers!
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear Sophia,
It’s a healthy, loving thing to be concerned for your husband’s health and well-being — especially if you’re wondering if your marriage is over and thinking of leaving him! You care for him a great deal, and you don’t want to hurt him.
Two things occurred to me while reading your story. One is that you have to remember that your husband is a man, not a little boy. You need to let go of the need to take care of him. He’s not your child, and he will deal with your leaving the best way he knows how. You can’t control how he’ll cope — and it’s not your job to make life as smooth as possible for him! Your job is to make the best decision for you and your marriage. And sometimes the best decisions are the most painful.
The second thing that occurred to me is that you may be making excuses to stay where you are. Sometimes we’re afraid to make big changes in our lives, or tackle big confrontations with people, so we revert to “protecting” them….when we’re really just protecting ourselves. I don’t know if this is what you’re doing, but it is something to be aware of.
Finally, there may be no easy way to end your relationship — or no easy way to save your marriage. That is, whether you decide to stay or go, it will be difficult. That sounds so morbid! I’m sorry, but you’ll have to face difficult and negative emotions regardless if you stay or go.
So, I encourage you to make the best decision you can, with a long-term perspective in mind. Realize that no matter what you decide, you will have to work through uncomfortable and painful feelings….but you need to focus on where you want to be in six months or a year.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best. Let me know how things go!
Blessings,
Laurie
So, I got married at 18yrs. Right befor my husband join we got married. I am the worst wife ever. Cheated on my husband twice, and in love with the other. Thing is I dont know what to do anymore. I want to go but the guilt.. He doesnt want to let me go. I seriously don’t know what to do, or even what is the first step. I am so pathetic. I told him the first time UI cheated on him which was last summer, he beggged me to stay. Whats wrong with me?
I dont know what to do.
Any advice?
Hi There,
I am in need of guidance, please. My husband and I are fall almost under all of the seven items. We have been married almost five years and together seven years. Our relationship has always been a little shaky. When things are good, they are really good, but when they are bad, they are really bad!
Over the years, several bad things have happened in our relationship, which I believe have enabled me more to feel the way that I currently feel. I went from this nice caring person, to bitter, numb and not really caring anymore like I once did.
I have come to terms with the fact that we have grown apart and are on two totally different pages. I feel like I love him, but at times that I am not in love him anymore and can barely tolerate him. This is not fair to him or me.
I know this is not good and have recently been really considering a separation. I don’t think he would ever leave, so I know it would be up to me to make the move. Thank god, we do not have children, but we do have a house, dogs and have built a life together.
The issue I have been really struggling with is how he will take me leaving mentally and physically. He has told me in the past that he has thought of committing suicide. I later found out that he told me this to get a reaction out me. In addition to that, he has a certain disease and stress causes it to flare up. I am afraid when I make this move, it will cause him to really hit rock bottom.
I know I cannot base my happiness and decision on how he will take it, but I can’t seem to get past feeling guilty and worrying about what will happen to him.
I am hoping to get some good advice.
Thanks so much!
Dear Susan,
I’m not sure why your husband is acting this way, and it sounds like your marriage has been challenging from the very beginning! I think that’s why marriage counselors (and regular people) encourage couples not only to do premarital counseling, but also to date for at least a year — without discussing marriage, kids, or your future together.
But that doesn’t help you now, does it!
I encourage you to talk to a counselor. You don’t need your husband to agree to go to couples counseling for you to get emotionally healthy! A counselor will help you sort out all the questions and miscommunications and problems you’re having…and he or she will help you see what direction you should go in. A counselor can also help you see your husband’s personality more clearly, which can help you decide if your marriage is truly over, or if there’s hope that you can save it.
You might also try reading books about marriage and communication, or taking a marriage course together or separately. My husband and I took a nonviolent communication class together, and it really helped us! It was sort of like counseling, but not quite….and it may be something your husband is more agreeable to.
I hope this helps a little — I’m sorry I can’t tell you what your husband is thinking or why he does what he does. Your marriage is too complicated and there’s too much going on for me to start shooting off my mouth! That’s why an in-person counselor — or even an online counselor like Mort Fertel — would be so helpful to you.
I wish you all the best, and hope you and your husband find the right type of help.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi Zena,
No problem about the novel — you have alot to get off your chest! I think seeing a counselor, or even trying couples counseling, is a great idea. A counselor can help you untangle your marriage, give you insight, and even give you strength to leave.
Ending a marriage is so difficult, even when it’s not the best relationship. And when your husband is being emotionally manipulative, it makes it even worse!
I hope you find ways to be strong, and find a counselor you can talk to. Please feel free to come back anytime, and let me know how things are going…
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi,
My husband and I have been living together for fourteen years and married for the last five years. We have a lovely, happy three year old son together who we both love very much. Looking at the surface of things we should be a happy couple – that is what everybody thinks. We have always had this way with eachother, a matched humour I guess – unfortunately its not enogh to bond the tears between us anymore.
Our relationship started on a very shaky grounds. When we met we were both in relationships – mine wasn’t serious and I ended it immediately. He, however, was living with a woman who he’d been with for (I forget but maybe 5-8 years) and whom he had a son with. Had I met him now I’d have backed off but I was 16 and admit that I didn’t much think of the other woman – he told me that the relationship was practically over anyway, that they were always splitting up. So I believed him when he said that he had split up with her. He in fact had just told her that he wanted to get his own place for a while, but didn’t end the relationship. We moved in togehter; he went away almost every night to say goodnight to his son – me feeling like a homewrecker never questioned that. She turned up one day and the truth came out. Both she and I were devastated – I told him it was over. He begged me not to leave. We had (and still have) a very strong, profound spiritual connection so I stayed. He told me how his son had problems and that his commonlaw wife had major depression and he couldn’t bring himself to leave them so, in my naive young way, I agreed to him staying with her until she was strong enough to be without him – telling myself that we were soulmates and this was just how it was fated to be. Five years passed with me living behind closed curtains for the first half of them – and even then it only ended because the poor woman found out about us. Luckily she was strong enough … Very strong enough to deal with it. I have huge regret – not just because I disrespected myself but also because I disrespected her (although I did think of her, and feel so much guilt the whole time, I was always assured this was the best was to do things – I still belive that he genuinely thought that it was, his intentions were to not hurt her).
During that time I suspected many times that he was also seeing other women. I found snippits of evidence and I almost left him a few times but he always had an explanation for what I’d found and swore he was telling the truth. He would even get angry that I would accuse him. I told myself that even if there was no proof, next time there was even a whisper of something dodgy I would leave. Everything seemed ok for a couple of years so we got married. I thought I would be more secure with him once we got married, and then we had a baby and I started to feel even more like things were going right … until that familiar feeling that something was wrong returned … followed by a new secret password on his computer and a constantly locked shed. I KNEW something was wrong but I couldn’t find any evidence. When I demanded him to unlock the shed or remove the password he got furious and said that I was in the wrong to snoop. I remembered my vow to myself but now I had a son to think about.
I kept telling him that I Knew something, if not an affair, was up. He finally admitted that there was something wrong and he didnt understand it. He explained that he loved me, he still believed we were soulmates but for some reason he wasn’t content. He insisted it was not my fault and there was no other woman. He felt he needed some time to discover himself as he’d never lived alone. Having lived with him since the age of 16 I thought maybe space was what we both needed and I agreed for him to go travelling. He had always been drawn to a particular country and its culture so I suggested he to go there. He was hoping I’d suggest that, I think he even leaned the conversation that way … just as I suspected from the moment he left, there was another woman waiting out there for him – he moved straight in with her and pretended he was staying with a male business client he had befriended. I eventually got the truth from him and he explained that he’d met her a few months before moving to that country. She was the reason for the passwords, etc. He said he couldn’t keep away from her – it was like some unexplained spiritual thing. They weren’t matched, he didn’t much like her as a person, and (I know this sounds pompous but) she is less attractive than me and not at all his type. He said that she had told him that she felt the same unexplained attraction to him. He said that when he moved in with her he knew what a mistake he’d made but (same old story) she had psychological issues (I’ve read her blog and can confirm this as she talks about her mental problems on there) and he felt an obligation to do things properly.
Apparently she thought he’d ended our relationship (sounds familiar – I think I am getting my ‘what goes around comes around’).
He swears that being with this woman who is mean to him and apparently not a very nice person has made him realise what he has. He says that maybe she is the reason he hasn’t been able to settle with me properly, like its some karmic thing. He promised and swore that he would change and that we could atlast be a happy family.
At last (six months after my son and I moved here) he’s left her but we are far from a happy family. He expects things to click back into place. He wants us to watch porn and have the crazy fun all night sex we used to … that seems to be all he wants! He refuses to throw away possesions he’s gathered since living with her (mainly clothes which are totally out of character to who he used to be). I tell him they upset me and he shouts me down, getting really angry, and tells me that she wasnt even with him when he bought them. He is being really insensitive towards my feelings. I have had to be the one to lean, compromise and sacrifice through our whole relationship and he cant even sacrifice some possessions. I know, from reading her blogs and things that he admitted, that he used to bend over backwards for her. I ask him to do a few favours and he says I’m demanding and gets angry. He constantly tells me he loves me and that we’re soulmates and he tries to be affectionate with me (though I’m becoming less and less responsive to this). But his actions tell a different story. I’m off sex with him – I still do it but nowhere near the standards we are used to, at times I feel sick. I dont love him anymore but when he says he loves me I say it back because when I’ve tried to end it with him or discuss our problems I get just anger or empty promises and my mind cant cope with that again. Through all this torment I have been in states of nervous hysteria. I have harmed myself and wished myself dead (although I didn’t contemplate suicide because of my son and a belief that I am worth a shot at life). So after this very, very long story I’ll get to the point. I realise that I have to leave him. Like I said, I’ve tried to several times over the last six months. But he begs me. He tells me that all we’ve been though cant be in vain … at last we can be happy. He tells me he will be dead inside without me. He threatened to close our business (he wont sell it even though it’s worth while finacially – he’d be ‘in no fit state to deal with it’). He said he’d move back to the UK and that I wont be able to stay here because I wont get any benefits and wont be get any financial support from the government and I wont get a job because of the language barrier – he knows how much I like it in this new country, and how good it is for our son who is really settling in well here – he is using this as leverage. I am in unfamiliar territory and, although I have made good friends here, I feel very alone. My family are a short plane journey away but I’ve never caught a plane alone – I am Not At All independant, as I’ve always depended on him and allowed him to make the decisions (mainly because he would shout me down if I tried to do otherwise). I am also feeling so much guilt about what I am taking away from my son – I always wanted him to have a normal happy family. And I feel guilty that I’m taking my husband’s son out of his life – I will always give him as much access as he wants (and he knows that) but I know that not saying good night to him eveynight will cut him up. So much guilt, so much self doubt … and I feel so so tired and weak. I dont have it in me to confront him again but I cant stay.
I’m really sorry about the novel. I guess I need to see a counselor and offload on them instead of the internet!
Hi Virginia,
I think I’d say the same thing to you as I did to Josie! Talking to a counselor is one of the best ways to discern if your marriage is over, or if you can give it one more try.
Also, it’s very normal to feel emotional, angry, and upset — even if your marriage really is over and even if you don’t really love your husband anymore. You’ll need to grieve the end of your marriage — and the end of that chapter of life for you and your kids. That’s sad and painful, even if ending the marriage is the right thing to do.
I wish you all the best, and encourage you to talk to a professional in person to get solid guidance.
Blessings,
Laurie
.-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post …Best Ways to Save Money on Summer Holidays – 7 Travel Tips =-.
Hi Josie,
I don’t know if your marriage is over, but I think you and your husband could use some objective help. Sometimes relationships need guidance that can’t come from their own perspective.
Maybe you need to figure out why you lost your mojo, and where your love has gone. Maybe your husband needs to figure out why he felt the need to check into the hotel by himself and think about his life. Honestly, one of the best ways to explore these types of issues is to talk to a marriage counselor. Even if you don’t go together as husband and wife, it might be helpful to go yourself.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.
Laurie
.-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post …Best Ways to Save Money on Summer Holidays – 7 Travel Tips =-.
My husband and I have known each other for 20 years, and been married for the past 8. We have two adorable children who we both cherish. Since having the kids though, 5 years ago, our marriage has become unbearable. My husband has been through serious issues which led to depression, and has to his own belief, now dealt with the issues. During the time of his issues, he had two incidents, at least that I know about, with other women, and over the past 8 years with his behaviour, my trust has been stripped away and I am left with no trust in him whatsoever. He now continues to tell me he wants the marriage and he is in love with me, but I find it hard to believe when after 2 years of trying to work things out, we are still no further along than when we hit rock bottom 2 years ago. He continues to be thoughtless, and my anger and emotions hit sky high every time he stuffs up. I know I should be forgiving, but I find it harder and harder these days. I have told him I hate him and that I want him out. I cannot ever see a loving future between us, and I hate the kids seeing me this way. Also our intimacy has completely gone out the window. We have not been intimate in almost 3 years. It’s so depressing. Although I want the marriage ended, I can’t help thinking “Would I be so angry and upset and emotional, if I no longer cared?” Any advice on whether I should give him a go for the thousandth time, or just cut my losses and run?
Me and my husband are best friends/soulmates. We have been married for 16 years and talk about things all the time. To my horror a few weeks ago i found out that he did not go on the business trip that he told me he was going on, he checked into a hotel and spent a couple of nights on his own, he worked during the day, to think about his future. He did not expect me to find out, he wanted to look at his life to see if he needed to change anything in it, life’s too short and all that. You can imagine i was mortified and have found it really hard to believe him now, i feel i am constantly checking up on him, asking him questions. He goes out once a week with his friends and comes in at 2am, i have asked him if there is anyone else and he says no, why do i jump to that conclusion he says. We have been really good friends and confidents but the love life has not been really there for years now, i have talked to him about it and he said that if both of us are happy about the lack of sex then that is fine. To be honest, i lost my mojo years ago too, only occasionally i feel like it, if i initiate sex, he never turns me away but he never initiates it ever himself. How long do i carry on with the questions/mistrust etc? It is tearing me apart, i feel like i am obsessed with where he is and who he is with, he knows i am upset about it but still goes out regardless. We do go out as a couple on other nights too.
Hi Ben,
I think that if you convince your wife to stay despite her wish to take some time and space, you run the risk of losing her. That is, if she stays despite her desire to leave your marriage, she may always wonder if she did the right thing.
But, if you let her go — and give her the time and space she needs — you may be strengthening your marriage in the long run. She MAY come back to you, and may prove the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” cliche.
I’m not saying that giving her time and space will save your marriage, but I do believe that we (spouses) need to give each other time, space, encouragement, and support to grow and get healthy.
I don’t know, but maybe your wife needs to break away to find herself. Maybe, if you support her decisions with love, respect, compassion, and generosity — and make sure she knows that you want your marriage to work, and you’ll be there for her should she decide to return — she’ll come back to you refreshed and ready to recommit to your marriage.
This is just food for thought…of course, you need to follow your heart and gut.
I wish you all the best, and hope you return to let me know how things progress.
Laurie
.-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post …Money Skills – Tips for Teaching Financial Literacy to Kids =-.
Hi Robin,
It sounds like your marriage has been over for a long time…and if you’ve been trying everything you can to communicate with him for 25 years with no success, then I don’t think I can offer any quick relationship tips that would be helpful!
I encourage you to talk to a counselor. You could go to a marriage counselor on your own — but I think it’s more important to focus on why you’ve stayed in this loveless marriage for so long. It seems like neither you nor your spouse is willing to be the one to end the relationship….but neither can you connect or rebuild your marriage.
Talk to a therapist, and get as much insight into your own motives and personality as you can. Then, you’ll be in a better position to figure out what steps to take in your marriage…and whether your relationship is over or just in a long, dry spell!
I wish you all the best, and hope you return to let me know how things are going…
Laurie
.-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post …Money Skills – Tips for Teaching Financial Literacy to Kids =-.
i have mostly not been there for my wife since we got married about 2 years back.It is also because we know each other for a decade that i took her for granted.I physically hurt her a few times & am repenting it now.
A few months back i got to know that she is in love with another man who is 10 years elder to her & is a divorcee himself.He is at the same time living in with another woman.
I really want to make our marriage work and i’m doing and will do all it takes to save it.My wife in the meantime is saying that she wants to move out to get her peace of mind & sanity back,she says she wants to do away with all the negatives she has in her mind about me and says i’m irreplaceable.I found out that she told the other man via msg that she is counting her days & looking forward to spending her life with him.
I think that the other man is just having fun & because of my absence at points in her life when even my family has not been there for her, he has had a major negative influence & is just having fun coz he has just taken advantage of the entire situation.
If I let my wife go alone do you think it will help the problem or is she too far gone to come back??
Hello!
I have been married for 25 years. It has been a rough one off and on for the whole time. I could give so many details but that would take forever. The gist of if it is he travels a lot and I have trust issues with him. We have not had sex in almost eight months. I have tried but get pushed away everytime, to the point I have stopped even trying. We have hardly had any relations for the past four years. We sleep in separate rooms and have for a while now. He refuses to talk about anything and when I try to bring things up he just gets upset and tells me I’m being stupid. He cannot seem to answer a yes or no question. He goes on golf trips too throughout the year and takes me nowhere. I just recently took a weekend trip for myself (while he was away for over a month himself on “business”), and he would not talk to me for over three weeks. He is home now, and we have barely said anything to each other. I have tried everything I know to do for 25 years to communicate with him, and he just won’t give me the time of day. My feelings have slowly dwindled, and I still am hoping for a “miracle,” but I cannot do it all myself. I’m tired of having just a room mate. I feel like am a second mother to him. All he has to do is go to work, watch TV, and play golf three to four times a week. Any suggestions on how to get him to talk about things and tell me why he refuses to be intaimate with me and what might be going on with him? I just can’t take it anymore.
Dear Fed up,
I’m sorry to hear about your marriage…it sounds like you’re unhappy and frustrated.
Have you thought about individual or couples counseling? Even if your husband refuses to go, it’s a great way for you to figure out what you should do and if you can help him see how serious your marriage issues are right now. Talking to a counselor — even without your husband present — can be a great way to see things clearly and objectively. Which, in turn, can help you decide whether your marriage is over or just going through a rough stage.
Another option is to try a trial separation. Maybe you need to show him you’re seriously unhappy by leaving him temporarily, to give you both a chance to re-evaluate your relationship. He isn’t hearing your words, so maybe you need to take action.
You can’t force him to change — as you’ve already figured out! But, you can change your own approach and life. It requires strength and courage, but it’s better than living in frustration and unhappiness.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.
Laurie
.-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post …Pay Off Your Mortgage – 5 Ways to Make Mortgage Payments Go Away =-.
hi,
my husband and i have been married for nearly 5 years and for the past year things have been awful. he is unemployed and drinks all the time. he puts his friends and social life above what is best for us. since we have been together, he has blown all of our savings and now we are living on next to nothing. he doesn’t seem to care at all about our financial situation or how we can fix it…just wants to hang out with his friends and drink. we have two small children that i do 90% of everything for, while working, trying to take care of the house and the budget. every time i bring up our relationship and how we should work on things, he just says that we need a vacation and that we have no problems. i could talk to him until i’m blue in the face about our issues and he just brushes it off or says he doesn’t care how i feel. the thought of sex with him honestly disgusts me at this point. i am not attracted to him at all anymore. i don’t know what to do. a part of me still loves him very much but i have lost almost all respect for him. please help me figure out what to do. thank you.
Dear Cathy,
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband — it sounds like you’re unhappy and stuck.
Do you have any family or friends that you can stay with? Leaving your husband may be difficult, but it’s better than living a life of unhappiness! It doesn’t sound like your husband is very emotionally healthy, and an unhappy marriage is no way to raise a child.
If you don’t have friends or family, I suggest calling a local help line. There may be resources in your area, or organizations that support women leaving their marriages.
You don’t necessarily need to leave him…maybe you just need a trial separation. Maybe you both need some time and space to figure out what you want your marriage to be like, and to decide if you can build a happy marriage together. Maybe the prospect of divorce is what your husband needs, to snap him out of his slump! And if he does have Asperger’s, maybe the thought of losing you will encourage him to get help.
Please reach out to people in person, and get help. You don’t need to live this way! My mom was a single mom, and was able to raise me and my sister all by herself…it was hard, but we were happy.
Let me know how it goes…
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi,
I am seriously thinking of leaving my husband. He doesn’t speak to me, doesn’t seem to be interested in anything about me, and we have absolutely no intimate contact. In fact, he doesn’t really even touch me at all. I would have already left but we have a small child and I don’t have a full time job.
We’ve only been married 2 years. I didn’t see that he was like this before we married since he put on a good act until we tied the knot.
I don’t know how I can make it on my own yet financially if I leave with our little one. But I don’t see how I can live this way. Most of what he says to me are either critical remarks or orders. I am dying inside.
P.S. I think he may have Asperger’s Syndrome. He doesn’t speak to anyone or do much of anything outside of working.
I have tried communicating and tried many things…he only gets enraged and starts attacking me verbally. Which actually he does anyway… a lot. There is no hope for him… he thinks all of his impressions and emotions are my fault, everything is “my fault”.
Thank you.
Dear Kerrie,
I’m sorry to hear about your marriage…that’s a difficult way for you and your husband to start your life together! And, hearing his parents say they want you to go home must make you feel sad and alone.
I don’t know where you live, but one thing that helps women no matter where they are is a strong support network. Talk to the women in your life: your sister, mom, friends, neighbors, or even your husband’s family members if they’re open to you. The best way to figure out if you should leave your marriage (or just your husband’s family) is by reaching out for support in person. You might be able to stay with a friend or family member while you figure out if you should leave your marriage.
If leaving is not an option because of your pregnancy or beliefs, then you need to figure out how to be happy in your marriage situation. I guess that means not expecting your husband’s family to change, and deciding that you want to stay married and raise your children in his parents’ home. If you can’t leave, and you can’t change your husband or his family, then you need to change yourself so you can be happy.
Another possibility is to talk to your husband about the future. What are his plans for after university? Can you stick it out until he’s finished, and can afford to live apart from his parents?
I wish you all the best, and hope you return to let me know how you’re doing and what you decide to do with your life.
Blessings,
Laurie
hi
I am 20 years old i had an arranged marriage when i was 19. i’ve been married to my husband for 10 months and never had any contact with him before marriage. the problem is we are living with his parents and i do not get along with them, they have said to me on a numerous of occassions go home. i do everythng for them cook, clean iron etc. they don’t appriciate anything i do.as for my husband he’s always away at university and i hardly get to see him he also works.
i constantly think about leaving
i am really not happy in this marriage but do not know what to do i also pregnant, which is why i am finding it hard to leave.
thankyou
Dear Kelly,
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve left your husband…that’s so difficult, even if your marriage wasn’t good. It’s always hard to leave your spouse, no matter what led up to it. And, even if you’re glad you left your husband, there’s always some regret and sadness. It’s normal to feel bad when a relationship ends.
I can’t tell you if you made the right decision, but I do encourage you to think of your long-term happiness (and health — because it’s stressful and unhealthy to be the sole income earner in your marriage like you were!). Keep your life and relationship goals at the forefront of your mind: do you want to live with a man like your husband for the rest of your life? Can you envision yourself supporting him and your household bills all alone — is that what you want your life to look like?
To figure out if leaving your marriage is the right step, you really need to stay focused on your long-term happiness and life goals. The short-term sadness — and heartbreak — of leaving your marriage shouldn’t be the deciding factor, because it’s a sad event in life. Your sadness doesn’t necessarily mean you made the wrong decision.
Live with your decision that the marriage is over for at least three months, without second-guessing yourself. Give yourself that freedom. Then, in three months, re-evaluate your life.
I hope this helps, and that you come back and let me know how you’re doing!
Blessings,
Laurie
Well i have a question and need some help. I just left my husband who i was married to for 3 years but all together 6 years. We have one child together, He is a great dad and great to me here is the problem he will not work he has had many jobs in the past but u know something always happens. Never has he once paid for me to eat or something really nice no rent light etc… i was just fed up with it he would get mad if i bought myself something new and did not get him anything. Now i feel like i am all alone just me and my child i take care of myself and have a o.k job but get paid . I pay all my bills myself never getting any help from my husband. I looked and really cannot find someone going through my same situation.
so did i make the best decision please help what should i do?