Jul 102009
 

A list of signs that a marriage is ending. Maybe your marriage is over – or maybe your relationship is going through the ups and downs that all couples experience.

7 Signs Your Marriage May Be Over

Marriage Fitness

But how do you know? “In my work doing marriage coaching, I have noticed that very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom,” says marriage coach Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness: 4 Steps to Building & Maintaining Phenomenal Love. “It’s not until they’ve been through the worst that things start to get better.”

Maybe your marriage is over, or maybe you just need a tune-up from a marriage coach or book. Just because you’re struggling with problems in your relationship, doesn’t mean your marriage is headed for divorce court! The following issues may represent the end of one stage of your marriage….and may herald the beginning of a new, healthier chapter of life as a couple.

Don’t despair if infidelity is a factor in your marriage. Mort says cheating husbands are more likely to build stronger relationships – if they are genuinely sorry and sincere about saving their marriages. However, if your spouse cheated, you and he will need to do some serious work on moving forward in peace, forgiveness, and love.

How to Know if Your Marriage is Over

Your partner can’t see the reality of your marriage. If your spouse doesn’t understand how his actions are affecting you – and even worse, refuses to compromise – then your marriage will be difficult to rebuild. To rise from rock bottom, both partners have to see how their actions or inactions are affecting the relationship – and both partners have to be willing to work on it. If your spouse refuses to accept responsibility, then you have to decide if you want to stay in your marriage the way it is…or end it.

Your spouse sees how thing are, but doesn’t care. You can communicate until you’re blue in the face, but if your partner doesn’t care how you feel or whether the relationship is healthy, then perhaps it’s a sign your marriage is over. Marriage coach Mort Fertel says, “Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that they don’t care what their spouse thinks or feels. They “got it,” but “it” doesn’t matter to them anymore.” Communication is secondary to caring.

If your spouse doesn’t care that your marriage is over, maybe you aren’t selfish for wanting a divorce (some women believe they are).

You don’t connect with your spouse. When you first got married, you probably felt understood, heard, and connected with your partner. Time passes, and the stress of daily life and kids and jobs and money and house all take a toll…and you find that you’re not connecting anymore. This isn’t necessarily a sign your marriage is over – it just means you need to make the time and effort to reconnect.

is my marriage over

“7 Signs Your Marriage May Be Over”

You have different visions of the future of your marriage. He wants a four million dollar home on oceanfront property; you want to live in a cottage in the country. He wants six children; you’d rather be childfree. He wants his mom and aunt to live with you in his four million dollar home; you can barely tolerate Christmas dinner together. To keep your marriage together, you need to agree on your vision as a couple or family – and put each other first (and your financial goals, parents, or careers second).

You’re not physically intimate. This may not be a sure sign your marriage is over — it depends on your physical and mental health — but if you have no love life to speak of, then you probably aren’t connecting on an intimate emotional and physical level. The less you connect, the less healthy your relationship is…and the more likely your spouse is ending the relationship.

You fight the “wrong” way in your marriage. If you can’t focus on the topic of your argument, opting instead to bring up past mistakes or reopen old wounds, then your marriage may be leaning towards “over.” The more past conflicts come into current arguments, the less healthy your marriage is. This may not be a certain sign your marriage is over, because it’s actually fairly easily remedied if both spouses are willing.

You partner cheats and wants to end the relationship. Many couples survive marital infidelity, and even have a stronger bond because of the cheating. Other couples split up right away, while other marriage limp along for years or decades…and the cheating partner remains unfaithful. Cheating in and of itself isn’t necessarily a way to tell if your marriage is over…it’s how the partners act after the infidelity that determines if they’ll stay together.

If you believe you can save your relationship, read How to Have a Happy Marriage.

I welcome your thoughts on how to know if your marriage is over below. I can’t offer advice or counseling, but it may help to write your thoughts.

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7 Signs Your Marriage May Be Over
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A list of signs that a marriage is ending. Maybe your marriage is over - or maybe your relationship is going through the ups and downs that all couples experience.

  273 Responses to “7 Signs Your Marriage May Be Over”

  1. Dear Yvonne,

    Thank you for being here, and for having the courage to share your experience in marriage. It sounds like you and your husband have been through so much in the past decades of marriage. It also sounds like you feel alone and emotionally disconnected in your relationship with him.

    Your husband can’t give you what you need or want. I don’t know why he is physically and emotionally detached from you, but the chances of him changing are low.

    I think you have three options: 1) stay married and continue the way you are and accept your unhappiness and disconnection; 2) stay married and find happiness and fulfillment outside your marriage; or 3) leave your husband.

    What option seems to make the most sense to you? You’re too young to give up on your life, and a chance at being happy and fulfilled! You need to find energy and enthusiasm to keep going. The world needs people like you to come alive and participate. You can find things that make you happy and fulfilled outside your marriage — and you will brighter other people’s lives at the same time.

    What do you think?

  2. My husband the night we got married said he was hungry left to go up to the hotel cafeteria to get get something to eat and was going to bring it back to the room. About 2 and a half our later he comes back. With know food and not much to say. We went to bad and the next things where different between us. Then to come to find out he was going by his old girl- friends house after work things where rough but I tried very hard to let people talk because I wasn’t s sure 100 % at the time myself their where several times he cheated on me I knew and I separated from him and was going ing to file for a divorce but I had a small daughter. I had lots of running wild emotion. I knew I loved him but was never sure of his true feeling about me. My life has been up and Dow been married 40 years. The last 15 years he says he can’t have sex but I have been waiting on some kind on emotional affection reassurance of his love for me. To touch to hold me to make me feel loved by him that special connection we used to have and sure. For those that don’t know it was never sex it was the love the bond the emotional attachment feeling that special love the special hands fingers hugs touch the way his eyes looked at me any body that has been in love knows that love that deeply love knows what that feeling feels and means but for 15 years it’s hasn’t been there for me and I can’t keep going this way I love him so so so much. But t hurt and long and want to be love feel love feel that special love that makes you the happiest person in this world. Only feel and makes you feel you feel like life is worth living. My husband has push me in a corner and I love him so so dearly but I’m so lonely and scared and I don’t know what to do. I’m 59 yrs with not the best health but my heart is broken and I feel my life is over.. Sometimes I would rather live alone by myself then to live with. Seeing him hurts so bad yes he will give me a peck on my lips and say I love you or good night or by I love you but that doesn’t begin to fill my my dreams ,dreams of feeling love and wanted by him. The emotion feeling inside of me feeling that he feels the same way I do. He want even touch me in any emphysema way at all. Before he didn’t have problems until the cheating starting. What I don’t understand is if he didn’t want me he had so many times to leave and divorce me. Can someone explain why stick with me then with this long and treat me this way? I would love to understand. I want a divorce but I also do want to live by myself but I want to be love before I can’t remember who it is that loves me.
    I would love to have really honest truly suggest both from men and women. Maybe things going on with him that I am not aware of. Just some good honest therapy help please

  3. I posted here some time ago and Laurie had asked a question
    if I regretted my marriage. The answer is yes, they say in the marines man up! I should have and moved on, and I really hate my self for not. I was scared because I could never find a decent job to support myself, all ways
    part time work. I just accepted my life and tried to be me, when I found me I was happier. I guess I’m just past the age of even caring any more.