Is Your Marriage Over? 7 Signs Your Spouse is Ending the Relationship
Is Your Marriage Over?
While I can’t tell you if your marriage is over, I can share a few signs your spouse may be leaving or ending your relationship.
Even if one stage of your marriage is over, it doesn’t necessarily mean your spouse wants to end the whole relationship. Marriages go through phases of love, ups and downs.
“In my work doing marriage coaching, I have noticed that very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom,” says marriage coach Mort Fertel, who offers an alternative to marriage counseling. “It’s not until they’ve been through the worst that things start to get better.”
Maybe your marriage is over, or maybe you just need a tune-up from a marriage coach or book. One of the bestselling marriage books on Amazon is Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. Perhaps what’s missing from your marriage is love and respect?
7 Signs Your Spouse is Ending Your Marriage
Remember marriage coach Mort Fertel’s words: just because you’re struggling with problems in your relationship, doesn’t mean your marriage is headed for divorce court! The following issues may represent the end of one stage of your marriage….and may herald the beginning of a new, healthier chapter of life.
In fact, Mort says cheating husbands are more likely to build stronger marriages.
Your partner can’t see the reality of your marriage
If your spouse doesn’t understand how his actions are affecting you – and even worse, refuses to compromise – then your marriage will be difficult to rebuild. To rise from rock bottom, both partners have to see how their actions or inactions are affecting the relationship – and both partners have to be willing to work on it. If your spouse refuses to accept responsibility, then you have to decide if you want to stay in your marriage the way it is…or end it.
Your spouse sees how thing are, but doesn’t care
You can communicate until you’re blue in the face, but if your partner doesn’t care how you feel or whether the relationship is healthy, then perhaps it’s a sign your marriage is over. Marriage coach Mort Fertel says, “Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that they don’t care what their spouse thinks or feels. They “got it,” but “it” doesn’t matter to them anymore.” Communication is secondary to caring.
You don’t connect with your spouse
When you first got married, you probably felt understood, heard, and connected with your partner. Time passes, and the stress of daily life and kids and jobs and money and house all take a toll…and you find that you’re not connecting anymore. This isn’t necessarily a sign your marriage is over – it just means you need to make the time and effort to reconnect. Read 10 Ways to Improve a Bad Relationship for tips on improving your relationship.
You have different visions of the future of your marriage
He wants a four million dollar home on oceanfront property; you want to live in a cottage in the country. He wants six children; you’d rather be childfree. He wants his mom and aunt to live with you in his four million dollar home; you can barely tolerate Christmas dinner together. To keep your marriage together, you need to agree on your vision as a couple or family – and put each other first (and your financial goals, parents, or careers second).
You’re not physically intimate (not always a sign your marriage is over)
This may not be a sure way to tell if your marriage is over — it depends on your physical and mental health – but if you have no love life to speak of, then you probably aren’t connecting on an intimate emotional and physical level. The less you connect, the less healthy your relationship is…and the more likely your spouse is ending the relationship.
When a Marriage is Over and a Spouse Ends the Relationship
You fight the “wrong” way in your marriage
If you can’t focus on the topic of your argument, opting instead to bring up past mistakes or reopen old wounds, then your marriage may be leaning towards “over.” The more past conflicts come into current arguments, the less healthy your marriage is. This may not be a certain sign your marriage is over, because it’s actually fairly easily remedied if both spouses are willing.
You partner cheats and wants to end the relationship
Many couples survive marital infidelity, and even have a stronger bond because of the cheating. Other couples split up right away, while other marriage limp along for years or decades…and the cheating partner remains unfaithful. Cheating in and of itself isn’t necessarily a way to tell if your marriage is over…it’s how the partners act after the infidelity that determines if they’ll stay together.
Resources for Breakups
If you’re struggling to let go, read 75 Ways to Heal and Let Go of the Past. I interviewed psychologists, life coaches, counselors, and grief experts on the best ways to survive loss.
What do you think of these signs your spouse is ending your marriage? I welcome your comments below.
Related Articles:
- How to Save Your Marriage After Infidelity and Trust Your Spouse Again
- How to Stop Cheating on Your Spouse
- Is It Too Late to Repair Your Relationship? A Few Signs
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Marriage Tips, Solving Relationship Problems
You should be alarmed if you have been observing these signs from your partner that he or she is ending your relationship. This is an indication that your marriage is already falling apart and you need to do something before its too late. You could seek some help from psychologist so that you can save your marriage.
My ex-husband had a long term affair with a woman from work for several years. He had a baby with another women when we were only married for two years. He never cooked or cleaned until a coworker started cooking lunch for me, after 20 years of marriage, no matter how often I asked him. Then he accused me of having an affair with the coworker who prepared lunch for me and told all of our friends that I was having an affair. He put antifreeze in the water bottle I keep in the refrigerator to drink after my walk. When I confronted him he grabbed the water bottle out of my hand and the antifreeze and left the house. When he came back he did not have my water bottle or the antifreeze and told me no one would ever believe me. Many times I received calls from work or from his sister wondering where he was and lecturing me on how he was being irresponsible by consistently being absent when he was supposed to be there. He never gave me or the kids a gift for Christmas or our birthdays and charged lingerie from Victoria Secrets to our joint account. He also took all the money saved from our 20 year marriage and put in a his own personal account. He took the money from our brokerage account as well and I was unable to find it. He took all the money from our kids college funds and spent it. I would say these were pretty good signs that the marriage was over before it even started. It was a shame it took me 20 years to wise up.
Sheryl I can feel it deep in me, you sounded like my autobiography and you have given me moral support without knowing it. Thanks.
What about a spouse that leaves their partner financially destitute?
Abandoning the couples finances, refusing to share responsibility in the relationship, and pursuing single person lifestyle is a red flag to me. Could someone really be so aloof (outside of mental illness), to think these actions will be accepted in a marriage?
I don’t think so, and I chance to say it’s a warning sign that the person’s selfish actions reveal a desire to be single again. Lying and hiding these actions may show shame, and desire to repair, but it can also illuminate the partner’s unwillingness to change, stop, or be responsible any longer. A desire for the other spouse to find out about the actions, and leave them first in a bid to avoid responsibility. It may seem rare or covert, but I know so many couples who have experienced this! The selfish partner appears sorry, but then once ordered to pay child support or repay absconded money,
they simply leave town and jobs to avoid garnished wages. The immature “moocher” then whines how awful the marriage was to family, friends, and new love interests. Sound familiar?
How do counselors view this category of spouses? What can be done to avoid it? Once the warning signs are present is it too late?
Sheryl,
Thanks for sharing about your marriage here – it sounds like your marriage is over in one way, but not in another! I agree that we teach our spouses how to treat us. And, it really is a slippery slope.
Checking out emotionally is one way you know that your spouse is ending the relationship. Your marriage is over when you’re not emotionally invested.
Just adding my 2cents… My 19yr old marriage has had a fork in it for quite some time. I’d gotten to a point of marital ambivalence and realized I was never going to love him and I’d never have the relationship I wanted with him. I was young and insecure when I dove into an extremly verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. I spent over 10yrs meeting his needs and doing what I was told. (take my boots off, get me another plate of food, why can’t you keep this house clean you skanky B…, Your wortless piece of sh**) It was pretty bad for me and the kids. But I believe a person can change if they want to bad enough. And I believe he’s in the process of real and permanent change but I could care less. I checked out emotionally a very long time ago with no desire to check back in. The bullet has left the gun but my finger is still on the trigger.
Here’s my personal signs my marriage is over:
I don’t have any desire to respond to his caring attempts
I begun sleeping in the guest room because I didn’t want to be in the same bed with him anymore.
I discourage him from going places with me (shopping etc).
I have fun and enjoy time with my son but as soon as my husband gets involve I leave the situation
I stopped telling him details or sharing stories with him
His attempts to do things for me such as help with housework have absolutely no affect on me.
I’ve forgiven him. I brought dysfunction in to this marriage also (codependency). I spent over 13years trying to change him (there’s the codep. in me lol) He’s a product of his childhood as am I. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less and doesn’t mean we have to stay in the marriage. I’m no longer angry or hurt. Nor do I feel shame or guilt for how I feel towards him now. Mentally I’ve made peace with what’s happened. I taught him how to treat me and I enabled him. But there’s simply been too much damage. I have no desire to even think about liking him. I’m investing all my energy on my recovery and attempting to help my 12yr old son learn healthy ways to deal with his negative emotions. I’ve got a long way to go. I continue to tell myself “progress not perfection”
Also – a husband recently commented that he had an affair, and he still loves the other woman. He wants to rebuild his marriage, but is having trouble detaching from his bed buddy. Here’s the article I wrote for him:
How to Revive a Stale Marriage – 4 Tips for Love Gone Cold
It’s for men who can’t let go of their affairs.