10 Tips for Improving a Bad Relationship
Before the tips, here’s one of my favorite quips:
“Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last — more than passion or even sex.” ~ Simone Signoret.
The stronger your threads are, the better your relationship or marriage will be.
One of the most popular relationship improvement books on Amazon is How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. The authors (Love and Stosny) say talking things out isn’t always the best way to improve a bad relationship or achieve more connection and closeness.
So, zip your lips and read these tips!
10 Tips for Improving a Bad Relationship
Untangle money issues – they contribute to couples problems
“Often, when couples argue about money, it’s not money that’s the problem,” says William Harley, PhD, author of His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage. “Instead, the money fights are a byproduct of relationship neglect.”
Money can become a weapon when one spouse uses the other’s spending habits as ammunition or when a spouse spends money to get even. To improve a bad relationship, figure out exactly what you’re arguing about — especially if you tend to fight about money.
Take risks together, as a couple
Trying new things together, such as sky diving or learning about astronomy, unites you as a couple. Psychology professor Leaf Van Boven from the University of Colorado explains that happiness is found in what you do (not what you buy) because experiences are open to positive reinterpretations, become a meaningful part of your identity, and contribute to a happy marriage or relationship.
Learn how to express anger
Expressing anger and resolving conflict not only improve a bad relationship and keeps your love alive, it also lengthens your life span. “When couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about conflict,” says Ernest Harburg, researcher and professor emeritus at the University of Michigan. “Usually nobody is trained to do this.” His research reveals that couples who suppress anger are twice as likely to face early death as those who express it.
Resources for Reconnecting and Love
Commit to checking in with each other every day
“Commit to checking in with each other every day – or at least a few times a week without distractions,” says Marriage and Family Counselor Lisa Brookes Kift. “Marriages often get “dry” when couples get busy and don’t prioritize each other and get a read or take the pulse of how the other is feeling.”
This tip for improving a bad relationship will help you stay committed.
Find reasons to laugh (laughter is a surprising fix for couples problems!)
Kift also suggest “cracking each other up” with stupid pet names, funny looks, and private jobs. Humor binds couples together and de-escalating conflict. It also demonstrates friendship in the marriage, which is very important.
Stop criticizing, stonewalling, and being defensive in your relationship
Be mindful of criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness. If a lot of any or all of these exist in a marriage – research has shown that the chances are much higher for divorce. Criticism and contempt do not keep love alive; in fact, it’ll thwart your relationship goals for good.
Remember your romantic beginnings
“To improve a bad relationship, visualize the person you dated and married,” says psychologist Bruce Eimer. “Remember that person is still alive inside of him. The stressors and tribulations of life may have made that inner goodness hard to see. But, if you can remember who you fell in love with, you’ll improve your marriage.”
Appreciate your partner – be grateful for your love
Look at your husband and take a moment to appreciate all of the things that he does for you and gives you. You may in fact want to express your appreciation for him verbally and/or non-verbally. To keep your relationship strong, tell your husband what you like about him and watch him beam. You’ll beam too!
Keep your intimate life alive and healthy
Knowing how to say “I love you” in small daily acts of love will improve a bad relationship. Making one day a week a special day–a day during which to schedule a “goody time” – can help your marriage. This can be any shared activity that you both can appreciate (such as a dinner out, going to the movies, etc.).
If you struggle to express love, read 80 Ways to Say “I Love You”.
Keep communicating
Research shows that contempt and holding back communication are harbingers of marital trouble and potential failure. So, find things about your spouse to appreciate and respect, and don’t stonewall. To improve a bad relationship, you need to keep talking, touching, and connecting with each other.
If you have a hard time standing up for yourself, read How to Say No to Your Boyfriend.
If you have any questions or thoughts on improving a bad relationship, please share below…
Category: Marriage Tips, Solving Relationship Problems
Hi Laurie, I was hoping you could help me out. My Bf and i have been together for awhile, since freshman year of highschool. The beginning of our relationship was blissful, he and i were so loving, carefree, romantic, and hot for each other. Lately there isn’t a day that goes by that we don’t fight and i get the feeling that i’ve lost who my baby used to be. My first instinct is always to end it when the fighting starts. How can we stop fighting so much? How can i stop wanting to leave everytime something he does hurts me? I just feel like i can’t take the fighting any longer. How can i get my love back like we used to have? I don’t even know where the perfect boy, my other half, and the perfect antidote to me i met in highschool is anymore. Help us.
Ken, I’m sorry I missed your comment! If you’re still around and if you still need tips, let me know. I’d be happy to help out.
Bill, thanks for your tip on improving a bad relationship. I agree, that leaving for a long time might not be the best way to fix couples problems.
Time apart could be a good thing, but this should not be long term. And should only be for short periods of time, don’t empty the wardrobe just take a week end bag, and go for a couple of days. If there are children take it in turns.
Hi laurie
Thanks a lot for your advice, u are the best, “figure out who you are as a man” can u shed more light on that? i have really lost my self confidence and she seems 2 be riding on that, i wud try as much to work on the tips u gave even though it might not be easy. i wud need some ideas on getting physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy.
thanks
Hi Ken,
It sounds like you need to take a step back from your relationship, and figure out who you are as a man. The more you crowd her with jealousy and accusations, the farther away she’ll run — and the more damage you’ll do to your relationship.
I think it might be good if you build up your self-confidence and self-image as a man — apart from your relationship. The more self-confident and happy you are, the more attractive you’ll be. And, the more confident you are, the less it’ll matter if your girlfriend does end up with someone else.
You can’t control her, and you can’t control your future. I think the best way to improve a bad relationship is to get as healthy and grounded as possible. As I said, the healthier you are, the more lovable and irresistable you’ll be. But the best part is that you’ll be HAPPIER if can get your head straight.
I hope this helps….let me know if you need some ideas on getting physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy.
Laurie
My girlfriend travelled out to dublin met a guy there and since she came back home she has been keeping intouch with the guy secretly through black berry msg chat, i have accosted her and she is denying i hve seen text msg dat was exchanged btw the two of them and its tearing me apart, i am a jealous wreck right now, her mind is half in dublin now and she says things like she wants to go and do a course but my mind tells me its just to be with the other guy, wht do i do to win her back bcos i have been nagging and accusing her abt it and she is still keeping in touch with him secretly sometimes to my face and it hurts, can i win her back?
Thanks for your comments; I’m glad these tips for improving a bad relationship were helpful! Even the littlest of couples problems can be helped
Great article. I especially like the idea to “keep dating.” It’s so easy to get bogged down by daily and weekly stresses that the relationship becomes monotonous and uninteresting. Both parties must make the effort i.e. dress up, bring a joyful expectancy to the date, leave sensitive topics out of date time.
Thanks,
By chance through news on first page of yahoo with sequentially linking gone through this page and really these articles helped
me to overcome my failure in love…………
It is still difficult to bear those feelings of break up and now i
live the life of a dead in live body
any way this tips has given a hope that with the time i’ll forget these terrible feelings……..
once again thank you very much
Hi Chris,
I’m sorry to hear about your partner….and you already know that there’s no easy answer!
It sounds like you’re hoping for something that just isn’t possible: for you and her to have a happy, healthy relationship. For that to happen, she needs to get herself straight. Since she’s suggesting that you find intimacy elsewhere, I suspect she’s not interested in doing the work it’ll take to break from from addictions and get healthy.
Since you can’t force her to change or seek help, I think you have two options: stay with her for companionship and stability while you seek romance elsewhere, or move out and leave the relationship, even though it’ll be one of the most difficult decisions of your life.
You need to face reality and change your expectations, my friend. She can’t give you what you need. So, you either change what you need, or you change your life so it delivers what you need.
I encourage you to get in-person support. Talk to a counselor, join a men’s support group, or contact your spiritual leader. Talking your problems through will make you feel better, and will help you see options that you may not otherwise be aware of.
I wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi Liz,
I’m sorry to hear you’re having trouble trusting your boyfriend again….that’s a totally normal response to his betrayal!
Since my thoughts are too long to put here, I’ve answered your question in this post:
Should I Trust My Boyfriend After He Cheated on Me?
I hope it helps!
Best wishes,
Laurie
Hi my name is Liz and I have a question. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I just found out he has been talking to 3 other girls on the internet. He says he won’t do it again but I am still not sure. I don’t know what to do anymore. What do I do?
My and my partner are in this loop. She has 2 children from a previous marriage who are great and see me as a step father. We have 2 children together who are amazing. But because the relationship started bad and got worse we are now facing separation. I don’t want this but because of our bad history is inevitable. This is going to hurt me a lot. Anyway, she drunk to cope with things and we both used pot a lot. But she can’t afford to move and there’s not many places suited to cope with our disabled son (my step son). She doesn’t have any romantic feelings for me at all and her lack of libido due to antidepressants and alcohol abuse (which thankfully is finished) leaves me wanting what I can’t have and her feeling trapped here. She suggests I have a separate sex life but that feels wrong but she can’t provide one with me. This goes on for years. I think I need to get out more but work takes up most of my time and children the rest. I don’t want them to go and I don’t want a relationship with anyone else but I don’t want this limbo either.
It’s tough but is there an answer?
Chris
Hi Nikki,
First, I want to commend you on knowing about self-fullfilling prophecies! That’s exactly what happens in so many relationships — and it definitely stops couples from fixing their problems.
I think individual counseling might be more valuable than couples counseling, especially since you mentioned your jealousy several times. That may be something that’s yours to deal with, not necessarily a relationship problem (though of course it depends on whether he does anything to incite jealousy).
The best way to get over your jealousy — and improve your relationship — is to figure out the roots of your jealousy. Then, you can work on weeding them out. I don’t mean to be glib, but I know that the healthier individuals are, the healthier relationships are.
I’m a big big fan of counseling, because it can solve alot of personal issues that ruin relationships. An effective counselor can help you become stronger, healthier, and happier…which can only improve your relationship! (but, keep in mind that getting emotionally healthy can mean leaving bad relationships behind)
I wish you all the best,
Laurie
.-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post …How to be Lucky – 10 Ways to Get Luckier in Life and Love =-.
I have been with my boyfriend for about four years and during 2 times when we have been long-distance we have had an open relationship. During both of those times I went on a date with another guy, the first time because we had just met and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be committed yet and the second time because I had convinced myself that my boyfriend was going to see this other girl that he admitted he had a crush on, and I was so afraid of the pain of him doing that that I distanced myself from the relationship and dated someone else again. He never saw anyone else and became incredibly upset when I dated the second person. I felt terrible and he was so upset and jealous that he almost ended the relationship.
It took about a year to heal from that and now he trusts me and feels that it is stupid to be jealous because it only causes pain and suffering. He says that he is no longer ever jealous. I on the other hand, have been tormented my entire relationship with jealousy. My boyfriend is very attractive and other women express interest and I feel so overwhelmed with pain and hatred even though I know it will only hurt my relationship.
I believe that he feels suffocated by me, and talks about “being a man and finding other women attractive.” He has expressed bitterness about not dating someone else when we have been in an open relationship, because now I am not willing to do that anymore. I really need help dealing with my jealousy and fear of him finding a new woman and cheating on me or leaving me. I am afraid that my own fear will cause a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I am sure I could not suggest couple counseling to him because he would refuse and be angry. Is there any way for me to get over my jealousy? I know that it is unfair because I could never watch him date two other people and still be able to be with him even though he has done that for me.
Dear Roxanne,
I’m sorry to hear that your husband has finally realized how important you and your marriage is to his life! It’s too bad that you don’t know how you feel anymore — but that’s completely understandable. He’s put you through alot, and improving a relationship like you have isn’t easy or quick. He needs to win your trust and love back.
I can’t tell you if you should leave your marriage. But, you have a couple options. You and your husband could try marriage counseling to fix your problems and rebuild trust. Or, you could try a trial separation for a few months, and see how you feel after some time apart.
One thing I’m curious about: why did he change suddenly? His reason for changing can affect how long his change lasts (because a man who was never there for you doesn’t change his stripes overnight).
Another suggestion is to call a help line or women’s support group. You need to talk through the possibilities with someone who can give you an objective perspective. Even going for counseling on your own can be extremely helpful, because it can give you clarity and insight.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best in your marriage. Let me know if you talk to a counselor, or if you and your husband will try couples therapy…
Laurie
My husband and I have been married 11 1/2 years and in the past he has cheated and stayed out late many nights. He was never there for me and our children. He would always hanging out on a daily basis. In the past year he suddenly changed and says he wants to get my trust back and apologized for all he put me through. I prayed many years that God would change him. Now that I see changed I don’t know if I want to be married to him anymore. I think I’m just ready to walk out of this marriage. I just don’t feel for him like I use to. What should I do?
Dear Jane,
I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend is lying to you, and possibly still cheating on you! That’s a big sign of a bad relationship — and that type of couples’ problem isn’t easy to remedy.
You can’t trust him when he says he’s not seeing her, because he’s obviously lying to you.
You can’t make him stop seeing her, or to end the relationship. He said he would, but he didn’t.
If he really had ended that relationship, then she wouldn’t be leaving messages. And, he’d change his phone number or get a new phone if he really wanted to avoid contact with her!
What CAN you do to solve this relationship problem? Well, you can live with him the way he is, and not expect him to change. But you’ll destroy your self-esteem and your soul in the process…and you won’t be working towards a happy, healthy, committed relationship.
You can suggest couples counseling with him, so you two can figure out why he keeps lying and cheating.
Or, you can break up with him and get on with your life! He’s not likely to change….and we certainly can’t make people change. The only person you can change is yourself….and sometimes that means letting go of those we love most.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, and wish I had better relationship advice for you. But the only person who can change your boyfriend is your boyfriend — and he seems to think you’ll believe anything he says, despite what he’s caught doing. Doesn’t seem like much of a man to me….and you need to decide if that’s the kind of guy you want to stay hooked up with.
Wishing you all the best,
Laurie
I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me with a 20 year old (he’s 38). I let him go and he asked me to take him back and promised he would end it with that girl. Well its been a month now and we have been going back and forth breaking up and making up because I find out he has not ended things with her as he says. I get into his voicemail without him know I do and I listen to the messages she leaves him about wanting to see him, inviting him to go to the movies and even mentioning she will stop by his house because she wants to see him. I ask him to be honest with me and tell me if he communicates with her, he flat out lies to me and says no. How can I trust he is not seeing her when its clear on his voicemail that they still talk. If he truly cut her out of his life and he tells me then why is she still calling him. What do I do?
im sorry to hear about those who have been cheated on ( earlier post) . i think everyone deserves a second chance except when it comes to cheating. if you love someone , love them. all of them. unconditionally. ONLY THEM. i think marriage is a beautiful thing.. and should be cherished. If you men out there dont feel like the one your with right now isnt the one, then dont cheat on them, just leave them . it may be painful at first but its better than leading them on. I hope everyone one of you guys find a loving relationship <3
Hi Amanda,
I’m glad you and your ex are interesting in working things out and improving your relationship! That’s a great sign, very healthy.
That said, however, other than telling him that his actions and insults are ruining your relationship, there’s not much you can do to show him he has a problem! If he doesn’t hear you, then he doesn’t hear you. If he can’t understand how his words are hurting you and your relationship, then I can’t see what you can do to make him see the light.
A therapist might help him see what’s going on. If you can’t afford couples counseling — which, by the way, may be the best way to go, especially if your ex has anger issues. Problems like that don’t just go away for couples — he really needs to deal with the source of his anger. And, he needs to learn ways to express it without making your relationship bad!
Some colleges and universities have free or inexpensive counseling for students; I suggest looking into that. And, you could try calling your pastor or priest if you belong to a spiritual organization, because they often offer free counseling.
I also suggest reading up on anger management, and how anger affects love relationships. Your ex needs to read those books too — not just you! You need to read them as a couple, and discuss the ideas.
Finally, you could consider talking to someone he trusts, who can then talk to him. For instance, if he’s really close to his dad or uncle, then talk to his dad or uncle and see if he’ll talk to your ex. This may not work — it depends on your ex, his relationships, etc. It’s just something to consider.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best…
Blessings,
Laurie
Also he has problems with insulting, its his response for many things
My,well,now ex has anger problems to the point where he doesnt see what he does.
I love him with all my heart and we were engaged. We both want to work things out but how can i?
What steps can i take to show him he has a problem?
Where can we get help?( we dont have a lot of money, im in college and thats where all my money goes)
Thanks for this tip for a happy marriage — the book sounds interesting!
Good tip about reading books together – here’s one that’s an easy read and will motivate a couple to make their relationship the best it can be: “A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage,” listed #1 self-help relationship book by the Boston Globe.