10 Tips for Improving a Bad Relationship
Before the tips, here’s one of my favorite quips:
“Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last — more than passion or even sex.” ~ Simone Signoret.
The stronger your threads are, the better your relationship or marriage will be.
One of the most popular relationship improvement books on Amazon is How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. The authors (Love and Stosny) say talking things out isn’t always the best way to improve a bad relationship or achieve more connection and closeness.
So, zip your lips and read these tips!
10 Tips for Improving a Bad Relationship
Untangle money issues – they contribute to couples problems
“Often, when couples argue about money, it’s not money that’s the problem,” says William Harley, PhD, author of His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage. “Instead, the money fights are a byproduct of relationship neglect.”
Money can become a weapon when one spouse uses the other’s spending habits as ammunition or when a spouse spends money to get even. To improve a bad relationship, figure out exactly what you’re arguing about — especially if you tend to fight about money.
Take risks together, as a couple
Trying new things together, such as sky diving or learning about astronomy, unites you as a couple. Psychology professor Leaf Van Boven from the University of Colorado explains that happiness is found in what you do (not what you buy) because experiences are open to positive reinterpretations, become a meaningful part of your identity, and contribute to a happy marriage or relationship.
Learn how to express anger
Expressing anger and resolving conflict not only improve a bad relationship and keeps your love alive, it also lengthens your life span. “When couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about conflict,” says Ernest Harburg, researcher and professor emeritus at the University of Michigan. “Usually nobody is trained to do this.” His research reveals that couples who suppress anger are twice as likely to face early death as those who express it.
Resources for Reconnecting and Love
Commit to checking in with each other every day
“Commit to checking in with each other every day – or at least a few times a week without distractions,” says Marriage and Family Counselor Lisa Brookes Kift. “Marriages often get “dry” when couples get busy and don’t prioritize each other and get a read or take the pulse of how the other is feeling.”
This tip for improving a bad relationship will help you stay committed.
Find reasons to laugh (laughter is a surprising fix for couples problems!)
Kift also suggest “cracking each other up” with stupid pet names, funny looks, and private jobs. Humor binds couples together and de-escalating conflict. It also demonstrates friendship in the marriage, which is very important.
Stop criticizing, stonewalling, and being defensive in your relationship
Be mindful of criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness. If a lot of any or all of these exist in a marriage – research has shown that the chances are much higher for divorce. Criticism and contempt do not keep love alive; in fact, it’ll thwart your relationship goals for good.
Remember your romantic beginnings
“To improve a bad relationship, visualize the person you dated and married,” says psychologist Bruce Eimer. “Remember that person is still alive inside of him. The stressors and tribulations of life may have made that inner goodness hard to see. But, if you can remember who you fell in love with, you’ll improve your marriage.”
Appreciate your partner – be grateful for your love
Look at your husband and take a moment to appreciate all of the things that he does for you and gives you. You may in fact want to express your appreciation for him verbally and/or non-verbally. To keep your relationship strong, tell your husband what you like about him and watch him beam. You’ll beam too!
Keep your intimate life alive and healthy
Knowing how to say “I love you” in small daily acts of love will improve a bad relationship. Making one day a week a special day–a day during which to schedule a “goody time” – can help your marriage. This can be any shared activity that you both can appreciate (such as a dinner out, going to the movies, etc.).
If you struggle to express love, read 80 Ways to Say “I Love You”.
Keep communicating
Research shows that contempt and holding back communication are harbingers of marital trouble and potential failure. So, find things about your spouse to appreciate and respect, and don’t stonewall. To improve a bad relationship, you need to keep talking, touching, and connecting with each other.
If you have a hard time standing up for yourself, read How to Say No to Your Boyfriend.
If you have any questions or thoughts on improving a bad relationship, please share below…
Category: Marriage Tips, Solving Relationship Problems
Hello,
I have been with my wife for 15 years, but only married 2 years now. We have 2 kids together, and the realtionship was great. I need help on what to do. Over the years I’ve changed alot aswell as she did, but I’m the only one (from her) that needs correction in my ways after we gotten married. We had a huge fight last night, and this has been on-going for about a year now about everything I do seems to be wrong to her. I’ve told her all I do is change for you, but the things you spoke about changing never happened. She told me it was over last night because of I told her I am tired of her commanding me to do things but she never owns up to hers. Things got really heated, shouting matches back and forth, she told me she never wants to talk to me again, and she wants a divorce. She also said I have too much anger towards her, aswell as she has towards me. She hasn’t spoken to me all day, and ignores my calls and emails. Is there any fixing this after 15 years together??? Can someone just give up on a relationship that’s been in it this long, so quickly???? PLEASE I NEED HELP! We both have said alot of hurtful things to each other, but I LOVE HER SO MUCH, and want my family to stay together.
Hi,
When my bf and I started dating two years ago everything was great….he was a nice guy and we had evryhting in common there was nothing we couldn’t talk about.he was honestly happy I chose to be with him. …but that all quickly changed after I gave birth to our son and became a stay at home mom…..I suffered from really bad post partum depression and I gained a lot of weight……and now its like he dosent love me anymore he makes comments about my weight my hair and my whole over all look and when i get mad he says oh your so sensitive……i shouldnt be with someone who makes me feel bad but right now its hard to find work and i have no where to go…..what should i do?
I have a boyfriend and have been dating for about a week now, and he said that he doesn’t care if we tell people about our realationship, so did I, but he acts like it’s a HUGE secret!!! Can you help me a little bit???
*Remember your romantic beginnings
Yes. Some people thing it’s cheesy to relive that first date or celebrate different types of anniversaries, but those kinds of events, however cheesy, can often go a long way towards providing more glue that holds your relationship together.
Hello,
I have been with my husband now a total of 14 years, married for 10 of those years. We have 4 children together 12, 11, 6, and 14 months. I stopped working last year when my employer went out of business which in a way kind of benefit me. My husband opened his own barber shop last year as well and things have been going great for his business. I guess my biggest problem is that he makes me feel like I don’t exist. I am always busy with the kids and I know he is busy as well but I can’t remember the last time he actually wanted to spend time with me or even the kids. When he comes home from work he does play with them but that is for only about an hour if that because he gets home late. On his day off Ill suggest that we should go to lunch or something while the kids are at school and its like he would rather go fishing or just stay home or visit his parents. He his planning on visiting his brother and sister next month by himself they live 8 hours away. When to me in reality I think he should spend some time with me and our kids. I don’t know if its just me being selfish but I don’t like the unwanted and feeling alone, ignored, and empty feeling. Ive tried talking to him and talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. Any advise would be much appreciated. Thanks!
I made a huge stupid mistake and I threw away my chances by lying to my girlfriend. I’d do anything to get her back. I’d do literally anything the part that makes it hard for me. Is that I only have four hours to fix all the stupid shit that I cause. I’m not sure whose been more hurt by what I did. Me or her. Honestly if I could take back what I did. I would. I mean to me it doesn’t sound like she cares at all anymore. But she has offered to give me 4 hours she says if it goes well we can work it out but I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m heart broken by it all I haven’t eaten in days. I haven’t slept in about a week I constantly feel sick. I can’t get her off my mind. She is my world. I adore her. I shouldn’t have done all the stuff I did. All I want is to prove to her how I’m a changed man and how I would do anything for her. But that’s really hard to show. I’m a terrible person for what I did. I just want a way to make it up to her so even if she decides I’m not worth it at least I tried. I mean one day I want to marry this girl and grow old with her and be able to see her radiant smile every day honestly her smile melts my heart. She is my world. I know I’m young (20) and I know she is young (18) but she is my world and at this point in my life I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love her. Can you please help me all I want is to be better for her and be the man I should be and not the boy I was acting like.
I do not understand my husband. He is so inconsiderate when it comes down to me. When we met, he wined and dined me, took me on trip, We went to the movies and the lot. Now that we are married, all he does is wacthsports twenty-four seven. He has children just as I do that were before we got togther. I love everybody, but he makes mesick with the actions that come with his family and children compared to how he is with my children and grand kids. He also has grand kids. He doesn not care about anyone but his daugjther and grandson along with his oldest siater. He discusses any and everything with them. When it comes to communication between us there is a problem. He hides everything from me. I usually fine out things from his sister. Whom I love dearly. He is very selfish, self-centered, rude and ignorant. I now see why his first two marriges did’t workout. He should have never married anyone, because of his stubborn ways and attituide. He has a gift of gab, but is all fake and he fooled me tremendously. I have thought aboutmleaving him and ending this relationship so many times, but my sister-in-law says fight for my marriage, but I often think that it is not worth saving, especially since he doesn’t seem to care one way or another if we stay togther or not. He acts like he’s married to his daughter. He is much more loving and caring to her tham me. I wish she would stay home and away from my home.
Me and my husband have been married for almost 3 years and we have a one year old son. We dated for about 9 mo. And got married before our late deployment. I came back halfway. Through and got out and had our son .well I went to stay with his family for the rest of the year because it was a hard pregnancy which we spoke about .and since then our relationship. Has been on a downward spiral since the baby and we argue about him the being lazyand unreasonable Now we talk (I) till Im blue he does not listen to me calls me crazy and names all the time. Shoots down everything I say and of late has started treating our son less then nice ignoring him and yelling all the time to, the point were he is scared of him. And his manners, hygiene. Are disgusting. Now. I want, need to know what to do should I even save my marriage. Also I am a stay at home mom but I get VA benefits every month and maybe he expects me to be the subservient. Wife that worships him. If so how do I assert myself to him in non aggressive. Manner
This is to Nikki… Broke my heart reading your post… I think you have to first and foremost put the needs of your children first- I really don’t like the fact that you used the word “neglect” when you were describing how your husband treats your oldest daughter- not to mention hes not buying any food to feed his family- to me these are huge signs that you need to make some kind of drastic move in relation to staying with your husband. Do you have the support of your outside family? Maybe they could let you stay with them for a while until you could get on your feet- or provide childcare so you could get a part time job even so you can start building a life for you and your children.
I feel for you because I myself am pondering the end of my marriage (7 years and 2 daughters) and I know how scary the concept of being alone can be- but from what you have said about your husband it seems to me like your children deserve better- you deserve better- look for support and friends who are there for you- there are people in the world who love you and want to help you- Don’t ever forget how special you are!
One sign of a bad relationship is lack of interest on your boyfriend’s part! If he isn’t contacting you, then maybe he’s not all that into you.
Here’s an article for girlfriends whose boyfriends aren’t interested in the relationship – I wrote it in response to Jasmine’s comment and question.
Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Text or Call? How to Pique His Interest
I’m sorry I can’t write articles for everyone…I sincerely wish I could respond to everyone who comments, but I have to get back to work!
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi there
I am a 27 year old woman married for 4 years with 3 kids, aged 9, 3 and 2 years. A couple of months ago I have decide to leave my work and take care of the kids to reduce their constant ill health, well it work they are not so sickly as before. However now the finacial problems is building and I am unable to get employement again cause all the accounts that could have been paid has rather gone int arrears. My husband received a good bonus last year and could finish the debt that was on my name, but just went on doing his own thing and making his own plans.
Now things are really tough, he has not been able to buy food inb the house for 2 months now, everytime he runs to his mommy. But when he gets money he uses it for other things knowing I dont have an income he stillgoes ahead and does his own thing, he does not talk to me about anything. Not even about his day at work, he treats me as if I am a stranger and my oldest daughter is being neglected by him complety. He only gives the little ones attention.
I dont know what to do any more, when I talk to him, he refuses to answer or pretends that he did not hear me. It is hurting me, cause it seems the only time I am of any worth to him is whan He wants to sleep with me. It makes me feel like a cheap whore, and I dont like feeling this way. He hardly ever says that he loves me or ever show it either.
Please I need advice, cuase it feels that we are growing futher and futher apart.
Hi,
we had a love marriage, things were fine but soon after my daughter was born it changed, now i and my husband keeps fighting, its gone worse we have reached till divorce. he just keeps doubting thinking i go out with boys whereas i do not relation with anyone. i know i am married and a mother of a child. he just keeps doubting. infact i feel he has relation with someone else. he is in australia and now we have stopped talking to each other.he have asked for my daughters custody. he doesnt understand. i am tired and have left all the hopes that things will clear.
Well as I can see I’m nt the only one that is in need of
Advice when me nd my bf first met everything was going great
Never fought nd if he did we would tlk about but then again our
Relationship wasn’t that serious until we told eachother that
We loved eachother … it was an amazing feeling but as we gt serious
We kinda strted arguing for lil dumb thing will then all the fighting stoped
Once we found out we were 6weeks pregnant ..but at high risk of miscarriage
Now me nd my bf been together for seven months ..nd now
5monhs pregnant ..nd now we fight all the time I love my bf soo much
We hve days w no Fightn but when we do argue.its over the phone I mean
At 7months nto the relationship we shouldnt be arguing we should be
Making memories feels like my relationship is the opposite I do have a lot
Self estem nd insecurities w my self … because my past relations
They were abusive, physical nd emotionaly I think it has a lot to do with
With the fighting ..soo I need to fix this before I lose my bf nd my relationship
For good
Hello Everyone. I have been with this guys almost for one year, and i love him a lot. He used to text me and call me everyday before he had me. However, now i do all the calling and texting. When i complain about it he says that he is going through a lot now. He just lost his business and he is working as a waiter. He wants me to be understanding and he doesn’t have time for problems. When i do the calling, and i plane the events he is fine with it. If i don’t do it he won’t. Is it wrong me doing the calling in the relationship? things will get better one day?? we fight sometimes for stupid stuff. Once we drunk coffee at 5:30 am at the park, and i felt he loved me… he says he is tired and has a lot of problems and still he tries to give me time. And he admitted that he should treat me better, but he is depressed. what should i do??