How to Trust Your Husband After an Affair – Steps to Healing
How Do You Heal After Your Husband Had an Affair?
Knowing if you can trust your husband after an affair depends on the reasons he cheated. It’s difficult to rebuild trust in your husband and marriage, but these steps to healing can help.
Before the tips, a quip:
“More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” ~ Doug Larson.
If you’re dealing with the worst of your marriage (infidelity, money problems or debt, illness, etc), remember that your relationship with your spouse could actually get better.
For help rebuilding your marriage, read After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful.
And, here are a few tips on healing after an affair…
How to Trust Your Husband After an Affair – 8 Steps to Healing
Use your husband’s physical or emotional infidelity as an opportunity to build a better marriage and take care of the things you were avoiding or letting languish.
Mourn the loss of your marriage as it was. Your marriage will never be the same after an affair, and it’s important to grieve that loss. You will never be the same – and either will husband spouse. It’s the end of one chapter of your marriage, and the beginning of another – possibly healthier and happier – stage.
Remember that rebuilding marriage trust takes time. It’s very difficult to trust a husband after an affair because infidelity shakes the entire foundation of your marriage. If you can accept and commit to the long, challenging process of rebuilding your marriage, your relationship stands a better chance of succeeding.
If you’re not sure if you want to trust your husband after an affair, read You’re Not Happy Being Married, But Not Sure Divorce is the Answer.
Take responsibility for your role in the affair. It’s important to remember that in most cases of infidelity, both spouses carry some responsibility. I’m not defending unfaithful husbands or wives; you might want to read Why Men Cheat for an explanation of how both spouses contribute to affairs in relationships. To rebuild marriage trust, you need to accept your own culpability, because most affairs happen because of problems in the relationship.
Understand why the affair occurred. Take a step back and try to understand why your husband cheated from his perspective. What was he seeking? Healing and rebuilding trust involves seeing the reasons for your spouse’s behavior, and then figuring out what you can do to save your marriage and make your relationship better.
Practice self-forgiveness. Be kind to yourself; you did the best you could in your marriage, with your spouse, and with your children. Infidelity may trigger feelings of guilt or shame – even in the spouse that wasn’t unfaithful. To rebuild trust, you need to forgive yourself for real or perceived mistakes.
Practice forgiving your husband. Forgiving a betrayal isn’t a one-time thing. Forgiveness is a process that you may have to go through several times a day, week, or month! If your husband’s behavior doesn’t change – if he’s still unfaithful or deceptive – then you won’t be able to forgive him. And if you can’t forgive him, then you won’t be able to rebuild marriage trust. So, your husband needs to take an active role in saving your marriage.
Tell your husband what you need from him. To trust your husband after an affair, what do you need from him? Do you need time apart? Proof that the affair is over? Regular phone calls throughout the day to reassure you that he’s where he says he will be? Figuring out and sharing what you need from your husband can help rebuild trust because it gives you some control. To make sure the control you’re taking is healthy, I encourage you to…
Make an appointment with a marriage counselor. If you want to save your marriage, consider seeking couples therapy so you can work out your issues together. A marriage counselor who has professional experience with infidelity can help you reunite and rebuild. If you’re dealing with anxiety, depression, or stress because of the infidelity (or other life issues), consider going for individual therapy first or simultaneously.
Love and Relationship Help
- Is He Cheating? Learn the Truth
- Free Online Marriage Help – Mort Fertel
- Captivate Him – Be the Woman He Never Wants to Leave
For Broken Relationships
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Love & Relationships, Marriage Tips
In January, a woman called and told me that my husband of 34 years, was “hooking up” with another woman. He regularly plays and sings music with a group of people, and I knew this woman was one of the singers, but didn’t think they were anything besides friends. I went to his computer and found emails he had saved in several accounts, that indicate this affair has been going on for more than 3 years. He is 60 and retired, so he has lots of free time during the day. She is 41, married and doesn’t work either, so he was emailing her to meet him right after I was leaving for work each day. We live in a small town, so I wonder how many people saw them together and know about this affair? He has promised to stop seeing her, and swears that he hasn’t been in contact with her since I found out. I confronted her and she said she wasn’t interested in leaving her husband for him. My husband wants to pretend that everything is okay, but I am devastated by this betrayal. He refuses to go to counseling, since we both hold degrees in psychology and “know what they will say to us”. I think he doesn’t want to be faced with what he has done to us. I thought I would be feeling better by now, but I still cry each day and get nauseated when I leave the house each morning, thinking about all the times he was waiting for me to go to work so he could be with her. I have lost trust in him and don’t believe things he tells me. I worry about silly things now and never did before. How do I get past this?
My husband of 6+ years went to VA for training for a month. While he was there I received a email from a girl saying my husband was a cheater. I know before my husband left he didn’t cheat on me because we were always together. I have a 3 year old son and just had another son in April of this year. So when I received this email in July that my husband was cheating I confronted him and he said it was a lie. What am I supposed to do??? Take the word of a complete stranger? Or the word of my husband? So I took his word for it, but I was very wary about it. My heart told me he could never do that, but my gut told me that maybe it was the truth. When he got home in August we went a few weeks where everything was fine….then one day I came home from school and he told me that he had too much to drink one night and had a one night stand and he panicked and went and got tested and popped up positive for Chlamydia. I was in shock and disgusted. Here I am sitting at home waiting for him taking care of our children and he had a one night stand!!!!? I never thought he would of done something like that to me.
We are away from family (in a different state) and I was so embarrassed that I knew if he went and stayed with a friend people would know something was up. So I stayed on the couch. I went and got tested and came back negative, but my husband had to be treated. Pretty much at the same time I found out that we were expecting again. I found out a few days before I told my husband. I cried about it because I didn’t know what I was going to do about our situation yet. I knew that I love my husband more then anything, and I could see that he was upset and disgusted with himself. I did a lot of research of infidelities and one night stands and decided for ME that I wanted to try and work past this. I know some people in my position would of walked, but I love my husband more then anything and I want to fight for our marriage. We sat down and I told him what I need from him and I asked him what he needs from me. Anytime I am having a hard time my husband doesn’t get upset with me for bringing things up….and I feel like I can talk to him, but sometimes I don’t think he understands just how hurt I am. I have cried everyday since he told me. I am trying to stay healthy because I am pregnant, but I am so hurt and depressed. I have talked to my doctor about this (since he had to test me)…he’s the only one outside of my marriage that knows about this.
We’ve been working through things and on most days things are ok…not forgotten, but ok. I have moments where I have extremely hard times with everything, especially when my husband has to be away for trainings. I’m trying to find a way to trust him again. I have caught him in little white lies. My thought is if he can lie about something stupid…then what else is he STILL keeping from me? How do I learn to trust him again? I want to have my husband and my marriage and move on….but I feel like we take 1 step forward and 2 steps back sometimes. I understand it’s still all new…but I need to move on and learn to trust him.
Hi Lynda,
Why would you want to stay in this marriage? It doesn’t sound like you can trust your husband, especially after he introduced the woman he had an affair with to his relatives!
He’s not committed to your marriage. He doesn’t love you enough to do everything he can to make the marriage work. What’s he doing to earn your trust and love?
I think the best course of action is to separate from him. Get your own place, and give yourselves time and distance to figure out what you want. You may end up back together in a few months — and if you do, get marriage counseling!
This is just what I think — it’s your life, your marriage, and you need to look into your heart, mind, and soul and do what you think is right. Don’t let fear of the future or other people’s advice sway you from doing what you think is right.
Here’s an article that may help:
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay
I wish you all the best.
Laurie
Hi all. I have been suspecting my husband since early Feb this year, from SMSes ending with “luv u”, to me finding out that he was that where he said he would be. I found out about the affair in end May and it’s someone 10 years younger than me. He has even brought her to visit his relatives in his hometown. I take that as a HUGE insult (it’s as if I’m already dead in his heart).
Since the discovery, he had been wishy-washy about his decision, telling me he has no guts to leave me or her. Recently, he went back to his family to seek advice and came back telling me that he had broken off with her and only want to be with me. He said he will change for the better and all that crap. But even as I am typing this, I couldn’t get him via his phone for the past hours.
I am hovering between working the marriage out or leaving him. I’m only 31. And he drinks every day, smokes.. Am really confused whether to stay or leave. I can do so much more without the shackles of marriage. The only reasons of staying would be that tiny bit of love and hope (I have known him for 13years in all). People tell me that it takes a strong character to forgive and stay on in the marriage but I feel it’s unfair that I have to put up with such uncertainty, worries, especially when we are supposed to be in the recovery phase right now and he’s supposed to earn my trust back.
Can someone please tell me what’s the best course of action?
On March 21 while playing with the features on my husband’s cell phone I accidentally ran across emails between him and a girl that were signed i love you. When I confronted my husband about the emails he admitted to having an affair with the girl since last July. I say girl because she is blonde, petite, and 10 years younger than him. This news just shattered my world. We have been married for 19 years. During the middle of his affair I was diagnosed with breast cancer and have been going through significant treatment to include a mastectomy and chemotherapy. These traumas have been so overwhelming.
He says he never loved her and has ended the relationship. He also says he never wants to lose me and that he is sorry. However, he does not seem to be concerned with reading books, going to counseling, etc. I bring up questions about the affair and he either avoids the question or tells me he can’t remember.
Shortly after learning about the affair I was very much into my husband…wanted to be with him all of the time, we were very intimate, etc. However, in the last few weeks I can’t stop thinking about him with another person and at best I can only be a friend to him right now. He tells me he is tired of me playing games and he needs me to move past the affair and work on our relationship, but I just don’t know how I can do this alone. Are these emotional experiences normal for a spouse who has been betrayed? Will I eventually move past the constant thoughts of him with another person so we can move forward with our own relationship?
Also one of the websites he found women to cheat on me with he is using again called mocospace. Due to the economy and my lack of finding steady work I moved back home to my mother, first he told me he was staying in a shelter but when I sent the divorce decree to the mistress home he recieved it “from the post office” he says his sister is in town now and they are staying with his mothers significant others sibling. Yesterday he called me private twice and he emails me in the wee hours. I dont answer the calls because my heart is so torn I cant stand to hear his voice. He has no job so he donates plasma twice a week and when we were together he gave me that to help ends meet but then he started to change up and say he couldnt help me with the bills anymore because he needed to pay the tickets off on his license. He knew I had a daughter to provide a home for and I couldnt do it alone, I felt he was being selfish, Ive lost everything Ive had and now Im back home with my mother whom I have issues with because she never protected me as a child. Im an emotional wreck and for once I’d like to have a constant but I feel like my husbands need for sex constantly and infidelity could be signs that he is pedophilic and I cant feel safe being in a home with a man like that around my baby girl, I have tooken her to the doctor when I felt like this and she has had no signs of trauma. Am i paranoid from my childhood molestation and rapes or do I have an good reason to be suspicious of my estranged husband? This is a continuance from the post above.
I got married on November 20, 2009 in the Courthouse. I never wanted the big beautiful wedding just a faithful constant in my life, something Ive never had. I grew up in a lesbian household, my mom had several different life partners one whose son molested me at age 5. I told my mother at 12 this happened and that I had also been touched by my aunts live in boyfriend. Her response was I guess not what I envisioned it to be, at 13 I had excelled so well in school my mother shipped me off to a christian boarding academy. I left and went back my sophmore year to have a first boyfriend. I was the only black girl in the school dating a wealthy white social outkast, I felt very isolated, so I came back home, I had my first child by 17 and the second at 18. I placed my son for adoption and kept my daughter, I went to college learned a trade then I met my husband. I thought he was the answer to my miserable life but he was 19 years older than me and a s*x addict, also I suffered from trust issues with him especially around my daughter. He didnt meet her until 1 year after we became intimate and committed, he lost his cna license due to proffessional misconduct and harrassment, he didnt tell me I found out on my own, to date he has cheated on me numerous times and lately with one particular woman. I filed for divorce. My issues are trusting him around my daughter, his infidelity which could jepardize my health, his accountability for his actions, and communication. I need advice I am 21 and I dont have any family or friends to support me through this. Should I continue wtih Divorce or is this even worth saving.
Dear Alison,
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband, and how difficult it’s been for you to move past his affairs and betrayal.
You need to remember that he betrayed you in the biggest, worst way possible. I’m not saying you should make him feel guilty or worse than he already does — but you need to allow yourself time to grieve the end of your marriage as you knew it. Part of you died when you found out about his extramarital relationships, and something like that isn’t just forgiven and forgotten! So, I think you need to cut yourself some slack. Give yourself time to heal.
Secondly, it’s definitely more difficult to reunite with an unfaithful spouse when he’s out of town so much. My friend’s husband cheated on her, and he often goes out of town on business. She had a very, very hard time trusting him again…it took her six years to really get over it.
Please stop trying to move on and forget about it. The more you try to stop thinking about it, the more it’ll haunt you! Instead, focus on your future with your husband. Write down the ideal marriage you want with him, and what you both need to do to reach that level of love and committment.
I also suggest that you talk to a counselor on your own, or read books about forgiving an unfaithful spouse. What you’re going through is NORMAL — but even so, the more you focus on healing and loving and freedom from the past, the happier you’ll be.
I hope this helps…and I’m sorry I don’t have easier answers for you.
Blessings,
Laurie
I am going to be married 25 years this month but have been with my husband for 32 years. I always condiered our marriage normal, good times ,bad times and some really amazing times. We have 3 wonderful children who are vey normal and we love them very much. It is a year and half since I found out my husband had been e-mailing with women he met when out of town, and had 4 one night affairs all with different women. He kept a seperate e-mail account and met up with some of them though only had sex with four of them the others appeared to be platonic. He confessed to all when confronted,stopped immediately and stated he always loved me and wanted us to work things out. We went to counseling and we are communicating btter than ever. But I can’t seem to get passed it. I cannot beleive it happened and will never be able to understand it. We’ve been together forever and he is my best friend as I know he considers me. What I don’t get it is how he did what he did. He is out of town half the month . He is in the aviation field. I will admit he has done all the right things,expresses his love for me and wants to go forward with all our plans that we always talked about. Why can’t I move on? i love him and cannot imagine him not being in my life. so why can’t I move forward and forget about this?
Dear Tara,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re having trouble trusting your husband, even though your marriage has never been stronger! Reconnecting emotionally, physically, and spiritually after a spouse has cheated is difficult. It takes a long time to truly “get over it” — and some betrayed spouses can’t stay married.
It’s important to recognize that your marriage is different now, and that you and your husband are different people. You can’t expect your marriage to be the way it was before he cheated! I think the first step to reuniting with an unfaithful spouse is to accept that your marriage will never be the same.
The second suggestion I have is for you to figure out why you hate yourself. What did you do wrong? What are you now bottling everything up inside — and why? Figuring out why we do things, feel things, and think things isn’t easy. It requires alot of self-awareness and insight….which is why counselors and therapists are so helpful! A counselor has an objective perspective, and can see things about you that you can’t see.
So, my third suggestion is to talk to a counselor. I’ve heard that the military offers counseling to spouses…and I encourage you to take that opportunity! A counselor can help you figure out why you’re so down on yourself, and how to rebuild your trust in your husband.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
In December 2007 I found out that my husband was cheating on me, I had come home and he was on an online game bragging to one of our friends. I wanted to work things out, and did everything I could to try to bring him back. He told me he was no longer in love with me. I started going to counseling and started doing better for myself, I had lost weight. In March of 2008, he told me he was still in love with me, and he missed the little things. He said he wanted us back, he cried and I cried and at that point I again was floored. I didn’t know how feelings could change that quick then change back. He said he didn’t mean them, that he was ashamed of what he had done and I had always said if he ever cheated on me I would leave. He said he was helping me be truthful to myself because it was what I had always said. About a week after we had started to talk again, he called and told me he was thinking about joining the National Guard, that it would be a weekend a month. I was worried but ok with his decision. I got a call from my sister in law who informed me that he again had lied to me, that he wasn’t joining the guard and that he had “already joined” the army. I felt betrayed again, because he didn’t tell me the truth. I somehow worked past it, he drove an hour to explain everything to me, and told me he wanted me to go with him. I had lived all my life in the same area, close to family and friends. But I loved him so much, so I went with him. It is now over 3 years and things are great in our marriage. He is very loving, and is more open to talking. He tells me he loves me more every day and that our marriage is the strongest it’s ever been. But I still have difficulty believing or trusting. When he goes somewhere I fear he is going to cheat on me again. I don’t want to feel that hurt again. I moved 2200 miles away from family and friends to be with him because I love him that much. I want so much to get past this and move forward, but how do I do that? Can someone please give me some advice? The worst problem I have is I hate myself, and I’m the one now who bottles everything up inside and doesn’t let my feelings show. Any advice would be greatly appreciated..
Hi Barbara,
I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter…that’s probably a million times worse than your husband having an affair! That’s heartbreaking, and my sympathies are yours.
It’s great that you’re seeing a counselor with your husband, and I’m so glad to hear how honest she is! There is no guarantee that he won’t cheat again, no matter how great your relationship is.
One thing that came to my mind while reading your story — why does an intact family appeal to you so much? You’re independent emotionally and financially, and you’re not crushed to have a separate life from your husband.
I think it’s important to figure out WHY you’re working on your marriage….you’re not scared to be alone, and you are able to live on your own.
Some women were raised to believe that family is everything, and an intact family is the true measure of success. And it IS the measure of success for some people….and if it’s your measure of success, then maybe you should be putting all your energy into rebuilding a relationship with a twice unfaithful spouse.
I encourage you to figure out what would make your life most meaningful, and then pursue that. I think individual counseling is a great way to figure out who you really are and what you really want…..and so are books like “This is Not the Life I Ordered” (just Google that phrase, and you should be linked to Amazon — or borrow it from your library!).
On my See Jane Soar website, I’ve listed several of my favorite books for women, about authenticity and living life fully and self-identity. Here’s a link to one of my articles; the books are in the right hand column.
6 Ways to Retain a Sense of Self When You’re in Love
Another thought is to take a 3 or 6 month break from living with your husband. I can’t tell from your comment if you live together, but I think giving yourself some time and space to figure out how you want to live the rest of your life — and with whom — would be wise. You don’t need to rush into saving your marriage or letting it go…but you do need to take time to make the right decision.
I hope this helps, and invite you back anytime. I’d love to hear how things are going!
Blessings,
Laurie
My husband had an affair with his high school girlfriend (he was 45 at the time) 10 years ago- he confessed, we went through counseling, and after a lot of work our marriage felt good, although my husband left his job for a much lower paying position, resulting in me working more. My daughter died suddenly a few years later, which was the worse thing ever. My husband was supportive, and I worked hard to come to grips with living again and enjoying life. Two years ago I found out that he had been seeing the woman again for the past several years- we divorced, but my now-ex has never stopped keeping in touch, says he is faithful (celibate) and wants to get back together. We have a teenage son. I am doing well on my own. Since my ex left his job years ago I had been the primary wage earner, and I know my ex struggles financially. He has remained very involved with our son, although he doesn’t live in the sort of place where one can have a child visit. He stays at my house if I’m out of town, and does other things with our son.
I am not sure what I feel- I am enjoying my independence, but the idea of an intact family is hard to resist, and I wonder if it’s possible. We are going to counseling; the therapist says that he has a good heart, but there are no guarantees that he will always be faithful.She feels it is encouraging that he is faithful now, but someone who is underemployed and lives in a motel has limited options!Our marriaage was actually better than most; we have many common interests, and have always enjoyed each other’s company. My ex is bipolar, and takes meds. Can you comment? Thanks.
Dear Ana,
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband and his affair. Rebuilding trust is so difficult, especially if your spouse seems to be unfaithful more than once. That’s very sad.
Unfortunately, I can’t give you the support and guidance you need over the internet. Please call a counselor, and go see him or her in person. Even just one session can help! You need to talk through your pain, disappointment, and heartache…and you need someone to guide and help you figure out what the best thing is for you and your family.
You could also call a women’s help line or a distress line. Honestly, just talking it through can be SO helpful…but you need to take at least an hour to explain what’s going on, and to hear what the counselor thinks.
Will you do that, and let me know how it goes? I’d love to hear from you again.
Blessings,
Laurie
We’re married for 9 years. Been through a lot…but the worst was last 2003 when I learned that he has an affair with his officemate. It was very chaotic back then. So painful…especially when I caught them together in our own house. I left…went back to my family. But after a month he beg for forgiveness so we (w/ our only son back then) went back to him. It took time for me to forgive and forget. Until recently…just last november…I found out that they had a child. The kid’s already 5 years old. And the most unbelievable part was…the kid grew in my in-law’s guidance. They took care of him since birth. I felt so betrayed and stupid because everyone from their family managed to keep it a secret. To think that they live just 2-3 villages away from us. Again…he asked for forgiveness and I did thinking that the only reason he’s communicating w/ the other woman is because of the kid. Until last week…I noticed his restlessness…I asked him why…I beg him to be honest…he told me that he heard from someone that the woman’s planning to get married. I thought I could handle it…but it was a slap in my face. I stayed w/ him for 9 years…loved him…sacrificed a lot of things…and this is what I get! We’re still together but everyday’s a misery for me. He tells me he loves me but it’s hard to believe. I strongly believe that you can’t love two people at the same time. I felt such a loser…I can’t help thinking that he may be here…still w/ us..but his heart belongs to someone else. I told him I’m willing to set him free but he wouldn’t let us go. Right now…I’m torn between leaving him and giving the marriage a chance. If there’s anyone out there…maybe a counselor whose reading this…please help. I’m in so much pain. I can’t tell my family about it yet because I know it’ll be a huge dilemma and it’ll be hard for now our 2 kids. I grew up w/o a father…I wouldn’t want them go through the hardships I’ve been through.
I recently discovered that my Fiance made a new friend on the internet. However I was looking at his profile pictures the other day and noticed a woman had written a message beneath it telling him that she wanted him. Curious as to who this girl was i looked at her profile and saw a comment my fiance had left her telling her to “Bring it”. needless to say that hurt enough in itself. i confronted him about it and he swore that he didn’t write it that it must have been his brother, he looked in my eyes and told me that he only wanted me and that he would delete that profile so she couldn’t talk to him anymore. When he went to his email to deleted the profile I noticed her picture on the screen. He had given her his e-mail so what did he need the profile for now? He told me that he was going to delete that as well. We fought and I cried. The next day I woke up and still had the gut wrenching feeling that he wasn’t telling me the truth. When I got into work I will admit I pulled up his email and sure enough he had sent her a message telling her that he wanted to get to know her and that he couldn’t talk much right now because I had found the profile messages.
I broke down at work and called him to confront him. He admited to it and said he didn’t know why he had done it and that maybe he needed help. Needless to say he told me that he was writting her at that moment telling her that he couldn’t talk with her anymore because of what it was doing to me. But I didn’t believe him. I wanted proof instead of just words. I went to see the sent e-mail but he changed his password. He says that he wants to go through with the wedding and that he loves me. But after being lied to more than once has made me wonder how many times has he done this, and if he is telling me the truth. i love him more than anything and that’s the only thing that has kept me from leaving. I just don’t know what to do.
Dear Andrea,
This can turn around and be good again — but it takes time and commitment to your marriage. You CAN learn to trust your husband again after an affair, especially if you figure out why it happened in the first place.
Marriage counseling is a great idea…I hope you and he try it together, and I hope it helps.
Also, I don’t think you can break the cycle and stop the messages that this other woman is leaving for your husband. Your husband needs to do that — he needs to be strong and assertive enough to take control and end the relationship. He may need help with that, which is where a marriage counselor would be ideal.
I wish you all the best, and hope you and your husband heal your relationship even faster than you thought possible!
Blessings,
Laurie
Angela, I am experiencing almost exactly the same thing, except my husban works with this girl. There are texts, facebook messaging, emails, messages that she misses his, stolen kisses etc. It absolutley rips you up inside, this was even happening on Christmas day. It started out as a “friendship” which was supposed to be nipped in the bud right away, but it seems it has spiraled out of control. Secret meetings, going 4wding together. I feel like this behaviour is dirty, deceitful and i feel soo betryaed. Can’t eat, trouble sleeping. I am on anti depressants at the moment to help me through. I want marriage counselling, which i didn’t earlier because it didn’t seem to be a huge problem that we couldn’t work out ourselves. He said he feels bad, like I don’t deserve him, which I think means that he knows this is all wrong. But how do I break the cycle, how do i stop the messages etc, I feel she is manipulative and insensitive. How does this all come good again??
Hi Angela,
I’m sorry this happened to you…it’s such a blow to learn your husband was cheating on and lying to you.
I think there are two important first steps when you’re rebuilding trust after an affair:
1) Your husband has to realize the importance of emotional cheating. He thinks that infidelity is about physical cheating — when emotional cheating can be more destructive to a marriage. How do you make him see the destruction emotional infidelity can cause? By reading books about emotional affairs and talking to a counselor about how it affects marriage.
2) You and he both need to understand why he was communicating daily with this woman. If you both know what need he was filling through the affair, he’ll learn to get this need filled in your marriage, and you’ll feel more confident that he won’t cheat on you again.
One of the best ways to survive anything — infidelity, illness, major life situations — is to get information about it. The more you and your husband learn about infidelity together, the more you’ll understand why and how it happened.
I encourage you to talk to a marriage counselor, even just for a visit or two. That may be all you need to figure out what you need to quit obsessing, and how he can help you learn to trust him again.
Also, it takes TIME to rebuild trust in marriage. There’s nothing he can say to erase your feelings of betrayal and heartbreak…healing a rift like this takes months of deliberately working on your marriage (which is where a marriage counselor can help — by giving you specific tools you need to rebuild trust).
I hope this helps a little, and I’m sorry I have no easy answers.
Blessings,
Laurie
hello, I recently found out my husband has been having a text message relationship with another woman for the last four months. I have rarely questioned his fidelity or loyalty to me therefore, didn’t feel the need to be constantly looking at his cell phone or monitoring his facebook for possible “transgressions.” However, there was a slip up on his and her part and i read an facebook message with a salutation “hey handsome” and closing “night, baby” so enough said on that. Clearly there’s an inappropriate connection. he actually made me aware of this message and said it was meant for his friend and not for him. He only told me because he was out of town and knew he left his laptop email up so i investigated.
The story wasn’t matching, i kept questioning. He insisted he thought the woman was unattractive, etc. After a solid week of investigating and of the little voice in head nagging at me saying, this is not right, i finally found my proof…an email in his sent telling her not to message him there, etc. Even after this, he continued to downplay this as a “friendship” and of course the cell phone/text bill revealed the friendship to be more of an obsession and led to my own obsession….for which i have eaten very little in the last few days and can’t seem to have a moment of silence without my head swirling. I found the text messages have been daily for the last four months. There were 6 calls made to the number from his cell but of course there are other phones out there.
he admits the relationship with her was wrong and yes, there was flirtation but that it was “innocent” and that the talk between them was never about our marriage. The amount and times of the text messages were painful to look at, from waking to right before bed, on my birthday, day of leaving & returning from our vacation. PAINFUL, needless to say.
WHAT DO I DO NOW? I want to know everything and if I could get a copy of their text messages I could. Oh yeah, I talked to the woman as well and she too insists it was simply a friendship and that they had seen each other in social situations but never alone. She apologized for her words but said not for her actions… but what loyalty does she have to me? it was apparent that she cares for him (in her friendship way). I”M SO ANGRY! and i don’t know how we’re going to get over this.
Now he seems annoyed by my incessant questioning of the relationship…he says that he’s admitted he’s wrong, he’s ended the friendship, it wasn’t worth it, and that he loves me. So that is all he needs to say according to him. He also feels since nothing physical happened that it wasn’t infidelity…
ok, i could go on forever here but just some advice on how to start again with each other, how do i quit obsessing about this picturing them together, etc. ? thank you
Dear Char,
I’m sorry to hear that your husband lied to you for two years…that’s a devastating thing to find out about someone you love and trust — and who is supposed to love and trust you!
Trusting your husband after an affair is a long, gradual, and even painful process. I think the key to reuniting with an unfaithful spouse is to figure out why he cheated in the first place. What was he looking for, that he couldn’t or wouldn’t get from you? Once you figure out the root of the problem, it can make the process of rebuilding trust easier.
A marriage counselor would be very helpful in both figuring out why your husband cheated, as well as finding ways to reconnect as husband and wife. Even reading books about infidelity can be helpful — if you read them together, with equal commitment to rebuilding your marriage.
I’m sorry this happened, Char…and I wish you all the best.
Laurie
How trivial traits may derail even the most beautiful of relationships is subtle and unexpected. The results, however, may be explosive and catastrophic. This scenario is not uncommon; it is endemic to our modern society. As a family physician, I see the consequences and regrets daily. The question is how can couples avoid what they really do not want?
Perhaps, the best way to prevent infidelity would be to step into the future and look back. This is of course impossible, but seeing people allow their relationships to slip away and remain with their regrets, I undertook writing a novel to elucidate this very problem. So many couples will be able to identify themselves and hopefully gain insight into their own lives and avoid disaster.
Mannie Magid
Working on saving a marriage is a daunting task. Not to mention the stress of dealing with the distance between you and your partner as well as dealing with the emotional aspects of everyone involved.
FORGIVE and move forward
My husband started to travel for work about 2 years ago. Shortly into his travels (to Mexico) he met a woman whom worked in the reataurant at the hotel he stayed at. He is gone for usually 3 weeks at a time before coming home again. I have been given very limited information but from what I have been told, they became “friends”. He would see and talk to her every day while eating. After being there 3 months she took him sigh seeing. I was shown pictures of this EXCEPT the 2 that her in them. I found the pictures of her in his computer bag several months later. When I asked about him carrying pictures of a woman I had never seen I was told just a guide. He was going to give them to her if he ever saw her again. To make a very long story short, I became nore and more suspicious becasue he seemed less interested in us and when I questioned him it was always just him saying that I was paranoid and I had a problem with insecurity and I was jealous and that I needed to get over it. He had moved on to another part of Mexico for a job that was about 5 or 6 hours from the first job. A year after he started the first job he was on his computer a lot even on our vacation and was distant with me. I questioned him and again it was my jealousy and my problem. A few months later while I was clearing up my files on my computer I checked his kodak gallery to see what pictures he had saved so I didn’t save the same ones and found that every piture he had taken of every thing that had happened in our life (personal and his work) had been e-mailed to this woman. All EXCEPT any that had me in them. I wondered why? When I hinted around about him sending pictures to people and if he sent his friends all out pictures from vacation he said of course. I said even pictures of me to your friends in Mexico and again was told yes. I knew he had not. One night I finally told him I knew he had been e-mailing a woman in Mexico had been telling her and sharing with her every aspect of his life. He denied it over and over. He looked into my eyes and lied. I told him I had proof of it and would show him. He finally said yes, that there was a woman that he sent pictures to and that he had lied to me about it. When asked why he said he didn’t know. After a huge fight and many hours of discussion I was told he lied to her and told her he was not married. When I asked why, again I don’t know was his answer. He said I will never forgive him and our marriage won’t work. But he also says he didn’t tell me all this becasue he was worried that I would leave him and that it would hurt me to know the truth. Why did he not stop all this if he knew it would hurt me. He let it go on for alnost 2 years. I feel like 2 years of our life was a lie. He was almost living 2 lives – one with me when he was here and one with her thru e-mail where he was “single”. He and I sat down at his computer and he e-mailed her and told her he was married and that he had lied. He says he has not heard anything from her since then and he has not contacted her. It has been about 5 /6 weeks since he did that. He told her he wanted her to know the truth so he could move forward with his life with me. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT is the TRUTH about my life with him and what is a LIE. He seems to be trying with us but how to I know for sure? How do I ever believe anything about him again?