How to Survive Sadness and Depression After Breaking Up
After a breakup, sadness and depression can feel overwhelming and suffocating. Don’t suffer alone! These tips will help you survive sad, depressed feelings after breaking up.
First, a quip from a famous fairy tale:
“The horror of that moment,” said the King. “I shall never, never forget!”
“You will, though,” said the Queen, “if you don’t make a memorandum of it.” ~ Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass.
You will get past your sad and depressed feelings after breaking up – but you need to focus your energy and thoughts on healing and moving on. You can’t dwell the relationship breakup itself. In other words, you can’t make a “memorandum” of your breakup, of your feelings of sadness and depression!
In Letting Go of Someone You Love I interviewed psychologists, life coaches, and counselors to get their best advice for surviving depression after a breakup. The 75 tips will help you heal and find happiness.
And, here are several ideas on surviving a breakup…
How to Survive Sadness and Depression After the Break Up
Expect feelings of rejection and loneliness to come in waves. “Feelings of rejection may run high because we often measure the results of our efforts in terms of whether or not the world accepts or rejects us,” says Dr. Phil. Sometimes, another person’s reaction can be a barometer of our worth and value. “When the love of our life leaves us, any past rejection issues can be magnified.” You may feel unworthy, not good enough or like damaged goods. A divorce may also signify the failure of your dream, because you couldn’t make the marriage work.
To survive, remember that a marriage or relationship breakup doesn’t change your value as a woman or man. You didn’t break up because of a failure on your part; the relationship failed for its own reasons.
After breaking up, you may fear you’ll never be loved again. If you’ve been married for many years, you may think you won’t be able to survive emotionally, socially, or financially without your partner. You are entering a new phase of your life and don’t know what to expect.
To survive sadness, depression, and fear of being alone, surround yourself with a support group! Gather your old friends around you, and be deliberate about making new friends. Don’t focus on the fear of never being loved again; instead give yourself the gift of self-care, self-love, and self-soothing. This relationship breakup help involves surviving your emotions by accepting them.
After breaking up, you may remember only the good parts of the relationship. “It’s just all too easy, once you separate from an irreconcilable situation, to remember and focus on only the good,” Dr. Phil writes. You may find yourself forgetting the irritating habits of your partner and only remembering the nice and sweet things he or she did for you. “By doing this, it’s very easy to fool yourself into wishing that you were back in the relationship and rationalizing that things actually weren’t that bad.”
To survive this “selective memory” experience, don’t contact your ex-partner in a weak or lonely moment. “Once you’re out, stay out, unless one or both of you earns your way back in,” says Dr Phil. Focus on surviving sadness and depression after breaking up without wishing you were getting back together.
Other emotions after breaking up include anger, shock, bitterness, and loss. It takes time to survive heartbreak and feel happy again — but it will happen!
You will live, love, and be happy again.
Links for Reconnecting and Love
- He Doesn’t Love You Back? 12 Secrets to Melting His Heart
- Captivate Him – Be the Woman He Never Wants to Leave
- The Breakup Wasn’t Your Choice? Get Your Ex Back
- Even If It Seems Hopeless – The Magic of Making Up
Part of surviving sadness and depression after breaking up can involve writing down how you feel. You’re welcome to do so below — you’d be surprised at how much better you feel!
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Divorce Care Tips, Love & Relationships
My wife just left me after 17 years of marriage. We have a 13 yo daughter. I cannot eat. I cannot sleep. I cannot work. I love her so much but she says I concentrated more on career than her (i.e. no romance, no passion) and she has found spirituality to help her break up with me. She says I should date other women and she is excited about meeting other men. But I cannot imagine myself with anyone else but her. I have history with her. We started out poor together after Uni with nothing but an old bomb of a car and slowly went about improving ourselves with higher degrees and supporting each other. Sure, we had arguments and she even told me that we lacked love and passion for the last couple of years. But I ignored it except for some initial efforts. How can I get her back and how can I cure this over whelming depression and emptiness. I just wander the shopping mall like a zombie.
A sincere thank you to Kari. Beautifully stated about the nature of a forest fire and regeneration. To those her doubt her wisdom, read it again. She’s absolutely correct. It’s called Faith. And faith is meant to be challenging. My recommendation is to read some Rumi–that guy KNEW.
Hi,
I am 29 yrs and I ws in a relationship with this girl ( she is 8yrs younger to me )for 3 yrs and we had frequent fights as well as good times … 3 months back I moved to new city for a better job.. within a month she said she does not have any feelings for me rather someone else even when I was wid her… Without knowing much I went to meet her … There she explained and said all the plans she is having wid her new found person..I am devasted hearing all this and I am feeling so hollow inside after this… I trusted her so much… I have gone crazy now… Doubting my every ability…She and her new bf are from my same college… I know I dont want her in my life but cant forgive her as a result I am not getting peace. For 2 months I have been trying all dat is available…I lost my self confidence… What shall I do.. Please advise
hi I was wondering if anyone would be kind enough to offer me some advice. I’m 25 and I’ve been in love with my ex-girlfriend for 7 years. She returned those feelings 3 years ago and everything was great. We also moved in together. We were together for 2 years and had a lot of arguments about really small and stupid things but loved eachother very much. She eventually returned home and had enough of the arguments / relationship. Only after her leaving and having my first breakup and loss (she is the only girl I’ve ever been with) have a realized how sorry I am. I’ve tried everything from telling her I want to make things up to emailing her all the time. She isn’t interested and always asks for space. She left on the 26th December 2010 and a whole year has gone by and I feel depressed / down every single day. I wasn’t perfect and it was my first relationship but I have no idea what to do… I don’t want to move on because I can only imagine myself with her and it’s important to me that I’ve only been with her. But after a whole year and it being Christmas, nothing has changed. She only wants space, and we barely keep in contact. I often write long emails to her because I feel bad, and this causes her hurt and only results in her telling me I’m the same as when she left and to stop with those long letters. I don’t know what to do…
Bless everyone here who is hurting. Remember this is a reaction of our fear. Please beleive me it will subside like any othe pain we suffer in life, Think about everything you have been through and survived. I am still healing from the end of a relationship that lasted 4 years, Its been a month and a half for me. My ex got a new job quite far away and we had been planning our move for 2 months. He was going to leave ahead of me to get settled and I would meet him a month later. Well the day he left I came home to a note – yes I was dumped. The letter was basically a list of everything “I” did wrong, berating me for every little thing I did “wrong” and how it was MY fault that he was doing things this way. 3 hours later he called me and told me to “tear up the letter” he had been crying eversince he left” , he continued to call me for days after only to yell and berate me for all my faults, I told him I couldnt take it anymore For 2 months he sat by and watched me give my notice to leave work, tell my friends and family that I was leaving, search for jobs in the new town ( which is also his hometown), spend hours looking for homes and getting estimates to move our things.
I was devasted, here he is off to his hometown starting over fresh and new nobody will ever know how cruel he was to me. I am here with all the “old” furniture, memories etc, and also I live an 8 hour drive away from my family. I luckily was able to keep my job and my apartment. I have done a lot of soul searching and realize that Im going to be fine, PLEASE FOLLOW NO CONTACT! I read an article that just made so much , sense to me, when the relationship ended it was like a forest fire, burning away, then it slows, and when the fire finally stops, the soil regenerates and the forest grows again, stronger, more abundant and more beautiful. This is life take this time to heal, read blogs – these are a God Send ! Do whatever you need, start with baby steps , take vitamins, lose some weight, educate yourself. Before you know it you are coming out of the fire, stronger, more confident and better than ever. The universe provides us with everything we need and want in abundance, open your mind and its there for the taking, I wish you all the best. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers xoxo
after 2 years of staying together we broke up 3weeks ago
i went through emotional abuse,think i made the right choice to
break up from my boyfriend…………it really hurts…..i call him sometimes but he ignores my calls!!!!!!!!!!!!
This post is for Zuri. I’m so sorry to read about your situation. I understand the pain of loving someone who doesn’t love you anymore. My partner left me 5 years ago, and I had been dealing with anxiety and depression as well. First let me say that you will never forget your husband. I know you asked what to do to forget him, but you shared your life with this person and you have children together, so there is no way that you will just forget him. But you can do things to not make him a priority in your life anymore. All the things you mentioned that you did (like going to school, losing weight, etc), make sure you are doing those things for yourself, not to try to get him back. I know it hurts like hell, but if a person can leave you when you’re at your lowest, do you really want to get back with them? Believe me, I’m not trying to be harsh. It took me years to come to terms with this myself. My partner left me when I was dealing with depression and anxiety. I don’t claim for one minute that dealing with that situation was easy, but the person who claims to love you forever shouldn’t just turn and run when things get hard. My partner showed me who she really was, and your husband has done the same. I bet you have done more personal work on yourself than your husband has, as it sounds like he just jumped into another relationship as soon as he left you. Same thing happened to me. I don’t think my partner will ever do any introspection or work on herself, as she prefers to just go from relationship to relationship instead of spending any time alone. As painful as this experience has been, I can honestly say that I have grown and I am a better person than I was when she left me, but she will never know that and it doesn’t matter to me anymore that she chose a life that doesn’t include me. Change your focus from your husband to yourself and your children. Your husband does not define you, and what he did to you does not define you. When that sadness starts to creep in, as it inevitably will, just think of what kind of person he really is. Think of what his moral character must be for him to be able to treat his wife that way. So often we hold on to the good memories, but the truth is if our spouses were as great as our memories trick us into believing, they never would have caused us so much pain. I hope this helped a little. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself the love that you didn’t get from your husband. I wish you well.
my husband left me two years ago..months after i got out from the hospital due to depression..i saw pictures of him with a girl in his facebook..and a friend saw him with his ex girlfriend at a mall months after he left me. after all that..i still want him to go back to me and let him see that im a changed woman..not like a nagger wife before.ive been going to school,loss weight,and i look prettier again like when he first met me.he keeps on telling me he doesn’t love me anymore.there is no other woman involve he said.but i couldn’t just believe him.ive been asking him these for two years,why doesn’t he want me back? now i think and feel that he really meant it when he said i have nothing to hope for.i don’t know how to forget him , i want to, cuz we have kids and they with me,i really want to know what to do to forget my husband..i really don’t know what to do..pls help… thanks
Hi its good to read all your posts – so thank you. I just split up with my partner of 13 years and it is hell. i tried everything I could think of to make the relationship work but she was just making me miserable all the time. She was not stable mentally and was manipulating me. It took me a long time to accept that her behaviour was a result of her own unhappiness, and that she had been punishing me for years for her own feelings of being trapped. It was so hard to let her go – we brought up my son together and we had a house and a mortgage and had had so many plans for the future. Now that she’s moved out I hardly know what to do wth myself. there are good feelings – freedom from the negativity, the constant criticism and the constant threat of an argument – but like it says on this site, sometimes all I can remember is the good times. At these times, when I regret my decision, I call my sister or a friend, and they remind me why it was I had to do this. I never wanted us to end but I couldnt bear it any more. And I couldnt reason with her. She wouldnt accept responsibility for anything, especially not the behaviours that hurt me so much, which meant that we couldnt resolve them. I tried relationship counselling but that didnt work because we just went round and round in circles. So at least I have a lifeline – that those who love me remind me why I had to end it. I feel terrible and the guilt is awful. But it;s not right for two people to stay togther if they are unhappy. And I simply couldn’t bear it any more, seeing her so miserable all the time, so angry and so unable to take pleasure in anything. It’s all quite new and I keep finding myself thinking of her, wondering how she is, wondering what she’s doing. I need to cut those ties but I don;t know how, after all these years.
She never even asked me why. We both wanted it – she agreed that once we had broached the subject. I know I wasn’;t perfect – but I did everythign I could for her – I was the main wage earner, i cooked every day, I paid for nice holidays and nice presnets. I was affectionate and loving and open with my feelings and shared my dreams and my thoughts with her, and welcomed anything she had to share. It was like she had lost interest in me. She’s moved to a place only a mile away and still picks my son up to take him to school a couple of mornings a week, and has him once a month. But I am not going back. She hurt me too much. She blames me for all of it. I just have to live with that.
The only way to survive sadness and depression after breaking up is to give it to God. The more you lean on the Creator of the Universe who gives you strength, the happier and more peaceful you’ll be.
I just moved to Germany a few months ago, and although I’ve been having a great time, I do get extra lonely and long for a relationship. I got really excited when I met this new guy who seemed to be everything I was hoping for. Unfortunately, after we got to know each other better, I had strong feelings, while he didn’t. I am feeling really sad today, because he just told me yesterday. Living in a new country is making this so much harder, even though it wasn’t that long of a thing… Ugh, I am okay being alone, but sometimes it just gets old.
Thanks for your kind words Laurie – I think it would be easier for me to move on if I could understand whether he finished with me because of his depression or because he just doesnt want to be with me any more.
I am the one doing the breaking up,after 8 years together i just don’t love my husband anymore.
I feel in that time he has changed and isnt the person i met or fell in love with.
I have a son from a previous relationship and feel my husband doesnt devote enough time to or want to play a parenting role,so many times i do feel as though i have always been a 1 parent family.
Even in this marriage i have often felt alone.
However i am so confused as though it is me doing the break up and is my choice,i am consumed with sadness and total heart break.
I know i can no longer want to be with him but feel as though in some ways i can’t bare to be without him.
Perhaps its the being on my own or not in a relationship that scares me more than being without the person.
Hi Sweetu,
Interesting question! I think that the person who does the breaking up may be more likely to remember both the good and bad parts of the relationship. In fact, he or she may remember the bad more than the good, because he or she is the one who initiated the breakup – and perhaps for good reason.
Of course, everyone is different. Some people impulsively make a decision to break up, and then later all they can remember are the good parts! I really think it depends on the situation and the person; everyone is different.
But regardless of who did the breaking up, both individuals will likely experience sadness and depression. It may seem odd that the person who initiated the break up has something to survive, but it’s true!
I hope this helps, and welcome your thoughts.
Blessings,
Laurie
“After a relationship breakup, you may remember only the good.”—- as mentioned by the author of the article here. I want to ask does it also happens to the one who breaks up with us or only the one who has been dumped? Whats the psychology in that?
Orville….I can relate this situation.Im also in break up last month and until now his still on my mind its hard to move on quickly i need to get my mind busy so i can forget him right away.The best thing to do maybe is to focus on my job and thats what i do.
Hi
my husband is still living under the same roof but decides to stay with his girlfriend whenever he fancies, wont move in with her, help
Dear Winn,
I’m so sorry to hear about your college sweetheart…but glad that this information about surviving sadness after breaking up helped.
That’s great that you have a new job and new city — and congratulations on being a college graduate! I encourage you to get involved in activities and clubs in your new city. Maybe join a Meetup or two, or find an outdoor club, book group, or new hobby of some sort. Try to keep yourself busy….you’ll have less time to reflect, and be sad and depressed.
Blessings,
Laurie
I am so grateful to read these. It makes me feel less “alone”. My college sweetheart of 3 years broke up with me to move home and start a new life. We seemed very happy, but now that we ended it, I am realizing he wasn’t as happy as I thought he was. This has been the hardest 16 days of my life (he left only that long ago) and my life feels very sad. Not only is this the emotional effects of a break up, but I also have a new job, moved to a new city, and just graduated college. Feeling alone, so thanks to all who share that we will be okay. I send my good thoughts out to those who are in the same situation.
Mary, Blair,
I am very sorry to hear about your breakups. It’s difficult to overcome the loss of a relationship and cope with the consequences (fear, inability to trust, etc). Trust me, I know how hard it is!
While I can’t give you personal advice, I can encourage you to move on with your life. You need to get strong and healthy emotionally, physically, spiritually, and even professionally. I know it seems hard or even impossible to get healthy and strong again, but it’s really important.
The best advice I have for surviving sadness and depression after breaking up is to learn how to let go of the person you love. Where and how do you start letting go? You keep trying different things until you find what works for you. Mary, you found that counseling and antidepressants didn’t help. Maybe changing your life will be more effective — such as moving to a different city, traveling, or joining a support group. Others find physical spa treatments helpful, or alternative therapies such as reiki or energy healing).
There are SO many ways to get healthy and move on! The trick is finding what works for you.
I wrote an ebook to help people let go after a breakup, called Letting Go of Someone You Love: 75 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart and Let Go of the Past
Check it out; it may be just what you need. I hope it helps, and wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
The main thing is that I have no faith in people anymore. He lied, cheated, and abused me, and yet each time I left, I went back. I’m worried that I’ll never trust anyone else.
It’s a really hard topic. My boyfriend of nearly 4 years (2 living together) broke up with me about 3 months ago, on the phone. Despite anti-depressants and hours and hours of counselling I still feel terrible. I’ve now been referred to a psychiatrist because of depression and anxiety. I’m in my early twenties, but it’s hard to imagine having another relationship. It was my first serious relationship. My family and friends are being very supportive, but I still just can’t cope. I’ve had to drop out of college (I hope only temporarily) because I’m in such a state. Does anyone have any advice?
Hi Laurie. All this information is a very good read to me. One question. How do you even start to get over someone who had an affair on you and your small family? We were married for 18 great years, more good times then bad. Reconciliation is not going to work b/c she has stated that it is over!!! We have 2 wonderful children together, but almost every day I have to deal with her (ex). It is so difficult, and she is so difficult with me! I love my kids so much, but she is coddling them so much and making it so hard for me and them to spend time together. It’s in the courts right now, and I wish none of this ever happened!!! Any answers would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
Russ,
I’m sorry to hear about your breakup, after 26 years of marriage. That’s sad.
But, thank you for your wise words on surviving sadness and depression after breaking up. I hope people take your advice!
Laurie
Some great comments and stories here. My wife of 26 years ended our marraige and I too chose to fold up like an accordian and begin a long lonely grieving process. People, I am here to tell you the truth. Yours and mine. We choose to define ourselves by our partners. We choose to assign our partners the responsibility for our happiness. We choose to ruminate over coulda, woulda, shoulda. What all of us should be doing, is thinking how we now have an opportunity to make all our own choices and be whoever we want to be. You cannot change the past, so staying stuck thinking on it is a choice. A poor painful choice. Do not assign that power to your ex partner. We were individuals before we met them and we still are after. Deep inside we all know a relationship is unhealthy unless both are committed to grow within it. It is our refusal to let go of the relationship that causes all the pain. Our choice.