How to Survive Sadness and Depression After Breaking Up
After a breakup, sadness and depression can feel overwhelming and suffocating. Don’t suffer alone! These tips will help you survive sad, depressed feelings after breaking up.
First, a quip from a famous fairy tale:
“The horror of that moment,” said the King. “I shall never, never forget!”
“You will, though,” said the Queen, “if you don’t make a memorandum of it.” ~ Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass.
You will get past your sad and depressed feelings after breaking up – but you need to focus your energy and thoughts on healing and moving on. You can’t dwell the relationship breakup itself. In other words, you can’t make a “memorandum” of your breakup, of your feelings of sadness and depression!
In Letting Go of Someone You Love I interviewed psychologists, life coaches, and counselors to get their best advice for surviving depression after a breakup. The 75 tips will help you heal and find happiness.
And, here are several ideas on surviving a breakup…
How to Survive Sadness and Depression After the Break Up
Expect feelings of rejection and loneliness to come in waves. “Feelings of rejection may run high because we often measure the results of our efforts in terms of whether or not the world accepts or rejects us,” says Dr. Phil. Sometimes, another person’s reaction can be a barometer of our worth and value. “When the love of our life leaves us, any past rejection issues can be magnified.” You may feel unworthy, not good enough or like damaged goods. A divorce may also signify the failure of your dream, because you couldn’t make the marriage work.
To survive, remember that a marriage or relationship breakup doesn’t change your value as a woman or man. You didn’t break up because of a failure on your part; the relationship failed for its own reasons.
After breaking up, you may fear you’ll never be loved again. If you’ve been married for many years, you may think you won’t be able to survive emotionally, socially, or financially without your partner. You are entering a new phase of your life and don’t know what to expect.
To survive sadness, depression, and fear of being alone, surround yourself with a support group! Gather your old friends around you, and be deliberate about making new friends. Don’t focus on the fear of never being loved again; instead give yourself the gift of self-care, self-love, and self-soothing. This relationship breakup help involves surviving your emotions by accepting them.
After breaking up, you may remember only the good parts of the relationship. “It’s just all too easy, once you separate from an irreconcilable situation, to remember and focus on only the good,” Dr. Phil writes. You may find yourself forgetting the irritating habits of your partner and only remembering the nice and sweet things he or she did for you. “By doing this, it’s very easy to fool yourself into wishing that you were back in the relationship and rationalizing that things actually weren’t that bad.”
To survive this “selective memory” experience, don’t contact your ex-partner in a weak or lonely moment. “Once you’re out, stay out, unless one or both of you earns your way back in,” says Dr Phil. Focus on surviving sadness and depression after breaking up without wishing you were getting back together.
Other emotions after breaking up include anger, shock, bitterness, and loss. It takes time to survive heartbreak and feel happy again — but it will happen!
You will live, love, and be happy again.
Links for Reconnecting and Love
- He Doesn’t Love You Back? 12 Secrets to Melting His Heart
- Captivate Him – Be the Woman He Never Wants to Leave
- The Breakup Wasn’t Your Choice? Get Your Ex Back
- Even If It Seems Hopeless – The Magic of Making Up
Part of surviving sadness and depression after breaking up can involve writing down how you feel. You’re welcome to do so below — you’d be surprised at how much better you feel!
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Divorce Care Tips, Love & Relationships
Hi Claudia,
I’m so sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend. It sounds like you’re heartbroken. It’s hard enough to survive the sadness and depression of breaking up — without having to see your ex-boyfriend at work all the time!
The tips I have are too long for this comments section, so I wrote an article for you.
Dated a Coworker? How to Deal With a Breakup at Work
Also — it may be an unfortunate consequence that your business relationship may not survive your love relationship breakup. I don’t know for sure — some people can continue to work with coworkers they broke up with! But, the reality may be that you and your ex-boyfriend simply can’t work together after breaking up.
I wonder if taking a break from work would help? Maybe taking a week or even a month off? I know that’s not possible for most employees…it’s just a thought. Maybe you need time to heal without seeing your ex-boyfriend, before you continue your working relationship together.
Anyway, I hope the tips in the article help.
Blessings,
Laurie
I have just broken up with my boyfriend, whom I have been dating for 4 years by now. We have been so much together these 4 years, I do not remember doing anything without him being present. It is so painful that I think I could not resist. It What makes the things worse is that I work with him together at the same place and it kills me to see him every single day. I cant avoid seeing him because we have a business running together and now I am afraid that our business relation will be ruined too.
Pls advise what to do. I am just turing crazy. Everyone says I should avoid seeing him. But I cant. Tell me what to do…
Hi Veronica,
You and your boyfriend have really been through alot in the past eight years! That’s a long time to be going back and forth like that.
Before you can worry about a relationship with someone else, I think you need to resolve this one. That means letting go of your boyfriend, letting go of what you thought your life would be like with him.
How do you heal from almost a decade of love, confusion, frustration, and heartache? Talk to a counselor, read books about ending relationships, figure out what kept you in that relationship for eight years, and learn how to be emotionally and spiritually healthy.
I think talking to a counselor is the best way to survive sadness and depression after breaking up….a counselor can help you with all the things I mentioned!
I wish I had easier answers, but I don’t. It takes time and effort to be healthy again after a relationship like you’ve had…but you CAN do it! You will heal and learn to love again — but you have to focus on getting healthy. It has to be a priority in your life.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
Great to have found a site where reading others’ experiences makes me feel as though I am not alone. With my boyfried on and off for 8 yrs. Was always bad timing (starting new careers, moving, etc.) We spoke of marriage frequently and everyone that knew us thought the same. He is an only child and was raised in a pretty dysfunctional family. Parents were married, but had a strange relationship. His father always made him feel like a failure and a loser, would even make comments in front of me. I gave him time to live on his own and went so far as telling him to date other people to see if he found someone to compare. Crazy, I know, but I never wanted him to resent me when & if we got married. He always said that I was exactly what he always dreamed of in a wife. His family & friends adored him too. 3 yrs ago, his mom was diagnosed w pancratic cancer and passed 6 mos later. That was devastating for him. We weren’t together at the time, but I did my best to support his family and him. His girlfriend/fling of the moment dumped him right before his mom passed and we tried working things out abotu 3 mos before her passing. She made me promise to take care of him since he doesn’t get along with his dad. I promised I would as long as he let me. She passed away & I gave him space to deal with everything. Everyone thought we would marry before she died or right after and I had already convinced myself that a marriage is not a big fancy wedding & I was OK at the courthouse. Never happened.
3 years later, we have gone back & forth a few times. His best friend is a jerk that cheats on his wife. His dad moved in with a new girlfriend about a yr ago, he has many friends that are either divorced or in bad marriages and he has said that he is scared. He hates to talk about feelings and refused to seek counseling. This man is the love of my life. We knew each other in high school and it seemed like we were a fairytale couple. Every time we ended things, I figured “if you love something…” he always came back. I know that he loves me and cares for me & doesn’t try to intentionally hurt me, but he does. This yr I started a new job & figured a new beginning all together. I convinced myself that we weren’t meant to be and it was time to move on. I went through the hurt & anger of not ever having closure of knowing why he didn’t want to be with me. Everytime I asked, he never answered the question. Just as I thought my heart was ready to move on, he called. It’s like he had a radar that let him know I was over him. We spent July 4th weekend together as friends and had a wonderful time. I really didn’t ask too many questions so I could just enjoy the moments like old times. Now I find myself back to where I started and heartbroken all over. We spoke and I told him I couldn’t do this anymore or be friends with him and he swore he had no intention of hurting me. I have all of these feelings going on and not sure of what to do. We spoke yesterday and he still can’t answer why he’s not with me. He says he does want to get married (he’s 38), but is afraid of marriage and doesn’t understand that it’s a compromise.
I’ve made a million excuses as to why he acts this way. He has really poor examples of happy marriages in his life, he’s afraid of losing someone else that he loves, he’s insecure and thinks that I would leave him. I don’t get it! He is an amazing man with a huge heart. He is far from perfect, but we all are. I am a fairly attractive woman with a lot going for me, but there are no men to date in the city I live or they are looking for the 20 yr olds with fake tans & everything else. I can’t meet a guy to save my life and all my friends are married, so it’s tough to get out there. Tried the internet thing & it didn’t work out. I’ve held on to hope that we keep coming back to each other for a reason, but I think it’s time for me to let go of my dreams of ending up togeter and getting married. Something that we had spent so many years talking about. It’s letting go of a person, but also what I envisioned my life to be like with him. What hurts is that I’ve loved him so unconditionally and we have gone through so many things together. I’m afraid I won’t be able to feel the same about anyone esle again. I feel as though my heart is closed for business and can’t take anymore heartbreak. Help!!!
Hi there,
Well here I sit its been a couple of days. I was with my BF 1 yeah 1/2..I broke it off because there is so many lies that come out of him and I can’t trust him. I am not willing to go through any more of it. I know I deserve better , I have dealt with a heart break before. Y does this one seem 1 million times harder, I keep thinking about Y is it so hard if I did it once then I should be able to do this so easy. I keep obsessing over him. I thought about it , I think because I want him to be the one. But in my heart of hearts I know we are not for each other. I just want this painto go away , I know it will as time passes, I just want to let him go, I’ve gotten rid of everything that belong to him, change my number all sorts of thing but my mind thoughts keep playing games.Its so hard. Its not like I’m alone I have friendsfamily even a male friend who is there. But I still want him, but we can’t be I want my heart to understand and accept it!
hi,
I had a bf who was madly in love with me for 3 years he was 4 years younger than me (me 29 him 25 now) everything went well till his father started annoying us by blaming him and threatening him no to support him financially coz of me being older than his son! I’m well educated as my friends say beautiful and as I know kind and loyal but because of his dad he lost his passion and since last year he’s been so cold decided to go abroad and leave me here! Sometimes i feel like the passionate one died! Anyway yesterday I broke up with him (as I had done many times before and then I just made up with after begging on my knees) I really feel bad about myself and the time I wasted and can’t stop the hatered of his father who igonred all my good qualities he hasn’t called os txted me since yesterday and this make me feel mad how can I love myself again and let go of him and also control myself not to go back and beg him for return
its hard for me to live my life again..i feel as if im not alive..i cant think of anything except him…we broke up in 28 december and now im in the third month but still thinking of him and love him ..im wondering how much time i need to heal?? i was with him for 9 months
Hi Kristen,
it’s only been 6 weeks since your breakup! please be patient with yourself. You were with your bf for 5 years and that is a long time. I know it hurts right now. Though everyone is different, I think i’m still coming out of the shock and denial phase of grief. I had a little glimpse of “acceptance” but even that goes up and down. Be extra kind and gentle with yourself as you go through this healing process. Talk to a trusted friend or family member. It’s really tough for me too and like you, sometimes i have trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel too. I know it’s there though for you and for me. Big hugs to you!
Augustina
Augustina,
Your story reminds me of mine. About 6 weeks ago today my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. He also just “gave up” and didn’t want to work on our issues. After 6 weeks I still feel depressed and wonder when I will start to feel better. I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.
Thank-you for this article. My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me 6 weeks ago. It was a shock as I thought we were for the most part, “happy”. He just ran out of steam and did not want to work on our issues anymore. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I had no control over his actions and decision in the matter. I thought he was “the one”, but evidently, I wasn’t “the one” for him. This is an extremely sad time for me. I’m fortunate in that I have a therapist who i can speak with regularly and as someone who has battled depression in the past, I had to restart my antidepressant medication under the guidance of my doctor. Though I know i will get through this and be okay again, it sure FEELS like this will be an uphill battle.
To everyone who has posted about their breakup, my heart goes out to you. Don’t give up. We will get better.
Hi Ashley,
I’m so sorry to hear about your break up, and your boyfriend not being ready to get back together.
The best, healthiest thing you can do is give him time and space. This definitely isn’t the easiest thing to do, but it really is the most important! He needs to figure out what he wants, and it won’t help if you’re “in his face” or contacting him.
I encourage you to focus on creating a happy, healthy life apart from him — I know it seems like you can’t survive the sadness and depression you feel, but you CAN. And, you will. Create a happy life by pursuing the activities that make you feel alive and fulfilled (and you love lots of things in life, not just your ex!). Force yourself to get out there and participate in your own life — and you will start to feel better.
If you can’t find the motivation create a happy life, try telling yourself that a happy, fulfilled, healthy woman is someone your partner will want very much, and be very attracted to. He won’t want to be with a sad, depressed woman who can’t survive a break up. The sooner you can get on with your life, the happier you’ll be…and the more attractive you’ll be. And you’ll soon find that even if you don’t get back together with your ex, you will be enjoying your life!
Now go out there and make your life fun, meaningful, and healthy.
Blessings,
Laurie
hi,
i just went through a breakup and i still love my partner very much. i cant sleep or eat and all i want to do its call him. he lives across the world and we were going to live together in 2 months in the same place. i thought he felt the same way i do but when i saw him he said he was not ready, it was a huge shock
what should i do?
Dear Leann,
I’m so sorry about your separation, and encourage you to talk to a counselor or therapist. Sometimes the sadness and depression after breaking up is unbearable, and we need external support and guidance.
If you like, I’ll post links to articles about getting over a relationship breakup. You may not be ready to date anyone else — and that’s not necessarily part of surviving a breakup! But, you may need ideas for healing and preparing to move on…and I can give you some help here.
I wish you all the best as you heal from this heartbreak. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Blessings,
Laurie
recently separated and like Dina, have been married almost 28 years. together for 33……….doesn’t know what he wants anymore, but does know not me. I am totally devastated and feel like i can’t get through this……..The pain is just unbearable, and can’t even think about anyone else ever………..never thought this would ever ever happen.
Dear Dina,
I’m so sorry to hear that your relationship of 26 years has come to the point of emotional separation…that’s very difficult to deal with. You’ve been with him for half your life, and just adjusting to a new life without him won’t be easy.
If you need links to articles about surviving divorce and separation, please let me know. I can post them here…and if you’d like to share your feelings or emotions, please feel free! Sometimes just writing how you feel and what you think, either online or in a private journal, can help you survive feelings of sadness and depression after breaking up.
I hope you’re doing okay…please come back anytime. I’d love to hear from you.
Blessing,
Laurie
I’m going through emotional separation. It’s so hard. He has been very clear about his feelings…i have to learn to get on with my life without him. I’m 52, with him 26 years. it’s hard.
Thanks for your comment, Britney! I agree that letting go and focusing on the idea that there is someone better suited to you out there can help you survive sadness and depression after a break up.
Most everyone goes through sadness and depression after breaking up! But, you have to remember that there is someone BETTER out there for you, or you’ll never get over your heartache. Let your old person go and focus on finding someone better, who will make you happier. Unhealthy relationships break up. If your relationship was healthy, then you would still be together!
Dont’ worry, be happy.
Britney.
Dear Sandra,
Eight years is a long time to feel sadness and depression after breaking up! I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t think it should still be “extremely difficult”…have you thought about talking to a counselor about how you’re dealing with this relationship loss?
Laurie
hasn’t gotten easier for me. It’s been more than 8 years and it’s still extremely difficult. I was with him from the time I was 17. It’s shattering.
I am definitely bookmarking this page and sharing it with my friends.
I’m glad this relationship advice helped, Kim! Good luck, and feel free to comment anytime
I’ve had a hard time adjusting to this issue. Your information has really helped. Thanks very much.
Orville, I hope everything’s going okay for you. The first few weeks and months after breaking up are the hardest, but it does get easier!
you’re right… i’m in a break-up moment right now and as what you have said… i’ve tried to stay away from her in order to avoid any good memories from coming back and being stuck this bad situation… thanks…