Jul 192009
 
want to stop having an affair

Your affair is ripping your family apart.

Stop beating yourself up because you can’t stop cheating on your partner. Instead, start moving into the freedom that not cheating will bring.

These tips will help you detach from the person you’re having an affair with, stop cheating on your spouse, and rebuild your marriage.

Before the tips, a quip:

“When he’s late for dinner, I know he’s either having an affair or lying dead in the street. I always hope it’s the street.” ~ Jessica Tandy.

You know it’s not just husbands who cheat; in fact, I’m writing this article in response to a wife who described why she cheated on her husband, in the comments section of my emotional affairs article. She didn’t ask about how to stop cheating on her husband, but I needed to write this article.

How to Stop Cheating on Your Spouse

If you’re ready to heal, read Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing.

Below are several ways to quit the affair and rebuild your marriage.

Figure out why you’re cheating

People have emotional or physical affairs for different reasons, but the bottom line is that they’re getting something out of the adulterous relationship. If you want to stop cheating on your partner, ask yourself what caused you to be unfaithful. Maybe you felt attractive, understood, and passionate with the person outside your marriage. In Why Men Cheat on Their Wives, marriage counselor Gary Neuman discusses several reasons people have affairs.

Find ways to get the same benefits in your marriage

To stop cheating on your spouse, find healthy ways to enjoy the same benefits you were getting from the emotional or physical affair. For instance, if you felt understood in the adulterous relationship, then work on your communication with your partner. Find ways to meet your needs within your marriage.

Expect stopping the obsession to be difficult

Sometimes it’s easy to end the affair because you know how much it hurts your partner and kids (even if they don’t know about it), and you want to save your marriage. Other times, you don’t want to leave the adulterous relationship – but you know you have to. Preparation is half the battle: expect it to be difficult and even painful to stop cheating on your partner.

Accept that you’re letting go of someone you love

Some affairs are strictly physical, which may be easier in terms of finding ways to stop cheating on your partner. Emotional infidelity or affairs of the heart may be more difficult to end, because there’s a very real connection between two people. For help letting go, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love.

Put your spouse first – and learn how to express your love

Perhaps this should be the first way to stop cheating on your partner! You made a wrong choice when you embarked on this physical or emotional affair. You deceived your spouse, you disrespected his or her feelings, and you broke your marriage vows. To end the affair, you have to accept that you made a mistake – and you need to be mature, responsible, and loving enough to re-commit yourself to your partner. You may also want to learn about the five love languages, to help save your marriage.

Get individual or marriage counseling

Rebuilding your relationship may not be as simple as ending the affair and communicating with your spouse. Infidelity is a symptom of other problems in the relationship – and to reconnect with your partner, you need to deal with what the real problem is.

If you’re on the other side – your spouse can’t stop cheating on you – read How Do You Forgive Your Husband After an Affair?

 

Relationship Help 

How to Get Your Ex Back

Captivate Him So He’ll Never Want to Leave

Save Your Marriage From Separation or Divorce

  13 Responses to “Your Affair is Tearing You Apart – How to Stop Cheating on Your Spouse”

  1. Thank you for sharing here. Maybe the first step to ending the affair is realizing how horrible you feel about it, and starting the process of letting go of the person you’re cheating with.

    When I first wrote this article, I thought it was a dumb idea. After all, a cheater can just stop cheating, right?!

    But now I realize that cheating – and ending an affair – is more complicated than that.

  2. I’ve been cheating on my husband and I feel disgusted to myself that I wish I could just disappear because of what I did,how could I be so immature and do this to him?I should have sit and talk to him when i felt that he was neglecting me…now it’s too late and I need to stop…I need to stop it and build my relation back to my husband.

  3. I have cheated on my husband of 5 years in marriage and 13 years together I honestly feel terrible he hasn’t found out about the affair I wish I can be honest but I know it will break his heart terribly, we have a daughter together and everything was just fine till I started looking elsewhere for what I don’t know I do care about this guy I’m having an affair with because his easy to talk too but I just recently found out I’m pregnant not that I was having unprotected sex but sadly it busted and with my husband we don’t use protection and I can just feel its not his baby this cheating game its not wise cause u can learn the hard way see now if he finds out I’m done and I’m in love with him but I don’t know who iam anymore .. People please don’t cheat its not worth it my marriage is in jeopardy right now because of my stupidity and I regret every single day, Don’t even know if I wanna keep this baby please people stop cheating its not gonna get u anywhere but you’ll loose everything for a moments pleasure!!!

  4. i have cheated on my woman for so long nd now she found out.she new me to be a good man bt i am nt what she think i am.i love her i want her back bt she dont.the promble is i wanna stop cheating awww

  5. Thanks for your comment – it really is sad that cheating in relationships is so common. It’s so destructive on so many different levels. As I said before, I’m particularly sad that I had to write an article about how to stop cheating on your spouse! You’d think people would know.

  6. It is so, so sad that infidelity is so prevailent in relationships, however I know that when I get married if my wife ever cheated on me I would find a way to forgive her as I’m equally againt divorce (except for certain reasons ie violence, or the children in danger etc). I just don’t understand how people get tempted by someone other than their wife. Love, intimacy, commitment, trust, honesty, knowing that you get to share the rest of your life with ONE person, not to mention your wedding vows if you are married or meaningless sex with a random stranger not really a hard choice is it. “Oh but I was in a sexless marriage” So what? Firstly what does or doesn’t happen in the bedroom is between you and your wife and secondly not everything is about sex, what about love? If I had to choose between love and sex it would be love every single time and people like this really, really annoy me because they have got everything, an amazing wife, (possibly) wonderful children, everything I have ever dreamed of and they are willing to throw it all away like it doesn’t matter, it just makes me so upset that they are so self centered their wives and children deserve so much more than cheating scum, they are worth so, so much more than being treated like s**t -Aaron

  7. Thanks for your comment – I’m glad to hear from someone who thinks so lowly of cheaters! Most of the people I hear from are coping with cheating in their relationships, which is so disheartening and sad.

    I especially can’t believe I had to write an article on how to stop cheating on your spouse. Isn’t that sad?

  8. I hope you don’t mind me posting on here because I’m a 22 year old guy and I’m not religious but I just wanted to say I compleatly agree that people shouldn’t need things to tell how to be faithful. Infidelity, whether you are married or just dating absolutly sickens me to the point that I can’t even read a book or watch a tv programme or a film if the characters (or the actors in real life) cheat, it just makes me feel physically sick and I have to get as far away from it as possible. Needless to say I don’t have any friends who cheat because cheaters are dispicable and aren’t worth s**t to me.

  9. Thanks for your comments.

    Yes, Sally, I agree that it is sad that we need articles on how to stop cheating in marriage. I still don’t know if I believe in the whole “sexual addiction” thing, but some psychologists say it’s very real.

  10. It sickens and saddens me that we need articles that describe how to stop cheating on your spouse. Why can’t men just stop being unfaithful? Why can’t fidelity be a normal part of being married?

  11. Cheating is probably the most heartbreaking that oculd ever happen in your relationship. Having a partner that cheats to the opposite sex is just like saying that he disrespects you and your relationship together. First, talk and sort out the problems first. Next, if it seems that no one seems to listen, then end the argument. Relationship problems such as that no need much talk if the other partner doesn’t even want it at all.

  12. I just watched a movie last night — The Jane Austen Book Club — that had lots of relationship cheating and “save your marriage” themes. It was a little fluffy, but really drove home the fact that physical or emotional infidelity can destroy people’s lives.

    Yes, marriages can be healed, but the damage is so long-lasting and difficult to overcome.

  13. Good post. Infidelity is obviously one of the most difficult relationship wounds to heal. There are some good tips here. Of course, it takes much time, patience and commitment. However, there is not reason to believe that any relationship, damaged for whatever reason, if there is real respect and concern on the parts of the couple, can’t be repaired. You can restore your marrige, you life and get your ex back forever.

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