Thanks for your question, and for sharing your story. It sounds like you’re in a lot of pain…but I know you’re strong enough to work through this!

I wrote this article for you:

When Your Husband’s Work Seems More Important Than Your Marriage

I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts there or here.

Blessings,
Laurie

From being together all the time, to not seeing him for the next 1 year.. I am not able to make this transition… It’s like, I am going through life on ‘auto pilot’.. Today, I ate an entire meal w/o actually tasting it.. It’s been more than a month now since he left, but I still wake up crying and miserable.. I know I have to deal with the cards that have been dealt to me.. But sometimes the pain is unbearable..

I don’t know why financial goals, career, parents.. Everything else became primary… and only I stood secondary.. I sometimes wonder if all love is lost.. How could he take the decision to leave me and go away for a whole year! Sadly, when he initially told me about the offer, the thought of staying apart hadn’t even crossed his mind.. When i brought up the topic, he accused me of not celebrating in his success.. I was very much disappointed and hurt when he said this..

Now that he is away, he calls regularly.. He says he misses me.. But I am not able to accept it at face value…
Pl. help me. I need guidance on how to make my marriage work..

Thanks,
Anarghya

Some singles have “friends with benefits”, which takes care of the need for intimacy and passion. That’d be difficult for me, but I know people who wouldn’t have it any other way.

Thanks for being here on Quips & Tips; sorry to hear about your parents’ marriage. I know what you mean about the “permanent scowl” — I’ve encountered people like that, and it’s so sad.

There aren’t any easy answers on your “When is it okay to get divorced?” question. For some couples, it’s okay to get divorced when the passion fades — and that means different things for different people! Other couples get divorced because they don’t have the energy, patience, or commitment to work out their problems. Others get divorced because they’ve faced a major trauma and can’t work through it, such as losing a child or infertility. And still others get divorced because they think life’s too short to live in a marriage that doesn’t make them happy at least half of the time!

As Leo Tolstoy said, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

Regarding leaving a marriage, I wrote an article for women about knowing when it’s time to let go of the relationship and move on. In that article, I discuss a variety of needs that — if they aren’t being met — may be a precursor to divorce.

Here’s the link to that article:

Signs It’s Time to Leave Your Husband

I agree, Shay, that staying in an unhappy marriage can scar the kids worse than divorce. I suspect your parents had their reasons for staying together — reasons that were very real and valid to them. They thought they were making the best decision they could…they were doing the best they could for themselves and their children.

You summed it up well with your statement about being more commited to their commitment than their own happiness or their kids’ well-being. That sense of responsibility can bring guilt, which can motivate people to stay in unhappy marriages. For some couples, it’s easier to stay in a hell they know rather than venture into the unknown.

Sorry I don’t have any clear answers for you, and I hope your own relationship and marriage is happy, healthy, and strong….

I wish you all the best and hope to see you around again!

Laurie