How to Overcome the Pain of a Bad Breakup and Be Happy Again
Yes, You Can Overcome the Pain of a Bad Breakup - and Be Happy Again!
You can overcome the pain of a bad breakup – and be happy again – but you need to focus on healing and recovering – not ruminating or obsessing!
These tips for overcoming breakup pain are based on questions from readers, who often ask me how to heal after heartbreak.
“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” ~ Anonymous.
Ending a relationship hurts, even when you know you’re no good together. And just because it hurts to break up, doesn’t mean you’re supposed to stay together! A broken relationship may leave shards of glass behind…and you may need to walk away.
If you’ve been stuck in the pain of a bad breakup for a long time, you may find this book helpful: Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You. It’s received a gazillion positive reviews on Amazon, and can help you change how you see yourself and your ex.
And, here are five ways to heal heartache and move on with your life…
How to Overcome the Pain of a Bad Breakup and Be Happy Again
1. Own your actions – you can take control. “I have been trying to get over my first love,” says S.S., on one of my other articles about overcoming a breakup. “But every time I decide to do that I end up contacting him or he tries to contact me.”
If you want to overcome the pain, you need to cut off all forms of contact. I know how hard it is, but taking control, finding your inner strength, and not responding when he contacts you or you want to contact him is one of the best ways to overcome a breakup. You need to take ownership over your life.
2. Listen to what he says, but believe what he does. “It has been over a year and half since he broke up with me but he still tells me he loves me every time we talk,” says S.S. “I want him to come back to me completely but he says he can’t do that.” If your ex-boyfriend says he can’t get back together with you, believe him. He may say he loves you — and he may truly love you — but if he really wanted to be with you, he would be with you. If he says he isn’t in love with you anymore, you need to focus on other – better – parts of your life. You must accept what he says and move on.
Yes, I know it’s difficult…but the sooner you can pull yourself together and overcome the pain of a bad breakup, the happier you’ll be.
3. Stop focusing on your problems, and what you can’t do. Maybe you can’t talk to your friends about the breakup, can’t contact a counselor for professional help, and can’t understand why you can’t heal the pain of a bad breakup and be happy again. Well, what CAN you do? What steps can you take towards your goals in life?
Your first step is to figure out what your short and long-term goals are. Where do you want to be in one month, three months, six months, and a year? Write those down. Then, underneath each goal (for instance, “feel happier and more confident about my future”), write three ways to accomplish that goal (eg, “spend time with people who are positive and optimistic”, or “start a volunteer job that makes me feel good about who and where I am”).
Stop focusing on the “I can’t” and “I wish” parts of life. Instead, move forward towards the goals you can achieve.
4. Stay connected to who you are – your authentic self. Many women are confused and uncertain about how they should act with their ex – especially if the breakup isn’t final, or the relationship is going through a rocky time. Here’s what Kathleen says: “How do I turn things around and be a fun girl to hang out with again? I’m confused and anxious about approaching any oncoming situation, even things as small as our next phone call, and who should initiate it!”
The best way to sidestep this type of anxiety is to stay in touch with your healthiest, happiest, most fulfilled self. To be happy again, you must do what you love to do, connect with friends and family who know you best, and express yourself in writing or other ways.
5. Keep your long-term life goals in mind. Step back from your emotions and feelings and yearnings for a moment. Answer these questions logically and rationally – write your answers in a journal or diary: Is your boyfriend the healthiest choice for you? Are his life goals in line with your long-term life goals? Is he emotionally, physically, and spiritually available to you? Does he want to work on your relationship? Does he bring out the best in you, and make you feel secure, loved, smart, and independent?
Think about your relationship with a cool head and calm mind…let yourself feel all those uncontrollable emotions and yearnings, but don’t get swept away in a tidal wave of hopeless, unrealistic love and devotion.
Sometimes writing about your breakup can help you overcome the pain. If you’d like to share your story, I welcome you below.
Help With Breakups…or Getting Back Together…
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Divorce Care Tips, Love & Relationships, Mind & Soul, Self-Improvement Tips
my boyfriend of 6months broke up with me yesterday because I researched about his past..the reason I initiated the research was not because I am an insecure person but it was because it took him 2 months to tell me he had a son from a previous relationship.. This got me suspicious and I just wanted to find out more about who I was dealing with, I didn’t want anymore surprises..I’m really hurt because during the past 6 months he has made me a very happy woman.. He was very sweet.. I know I maybe I should have trusted him and not research about him.. I doubt I will ever come across some one as sweet as he is.. I am so hurt, wish I could bring him back but seemingly his mind is made up.. I just don’t know if I’ll ever have energy to date again, a heart break is just too much to bear.. Too much..
Hi laurie, I am in a very difficult situation. Break up with the father of my 2 kids, we are not married but all living together. I sleep inside the room w my 2 kids while he sleep in living room. He avoiding me evrytime he see me, he will go out from the house quickly, as if i hv virus. It hurting me so much. he break up w me and some more he avoiding me. I asked him if me n kids can just move out from the house bec im grieving from break up i cannot move on if im still living w him.I ask him if me n kids can move out because i hv no money to rent other flat. he said ok he will pay for it but wait til end of may bec no money yet. Im working in his company and he is earning alot, he is earning 10x of the rent deposit. i dnt understand why hv to wait end of may. and why he can live with our situation like this. Is he not hurt? He doesnt need to move on? He moved on already thats why its ok with him if we all still living together? I really cannot understand the situation anymore. The other day we agreed to get a lawyer to discuss how can he support me n our kids. When i wrote down my demand and i told him he can edit it as to what he want, bur he got angry and said he will never help me anymore. I really dont understand anymore what is happening. Now im stocked in his house. he dnt let me work in his company anymore, but im statring a small business, no income yet thats why i cannot be independent yet. Evryday im crying and hugging my kids. I really cannot understand our situation. pls advise me wat to do. thank u so much.
Hi Laurie -
I recently got dumped by my boy friend. We had been dating for just 11 months but became quite serious. We had an apartment together and he just recently moved out and decided to pursue a job in Hawaii. I feel like I am in a constant tsunami of emotions. I did all the wrong things after our breakup, and didn’t give him time and space and tried to “fix” our relationship. Every day I regret the things that I hadn’t done in our relationship. It was a shock when he broke up with me as this was someone that I wanted to marry. I keep trying to think positive and I know time heals all wounds but I can’t seem to get over him. He was the best part of my life and I don’t know how to go on without him. I feel empty and lack any type of motivation. I wish things had turned out differently.
Dear Laurie..Great article.
I’m going through a worst pain.I had a very best friend of mine who always cared for me so much.He said he loves me and wants to get committed to me.As he was younger to me i was afraid to admit but i started to get feelings for him..All of a sudden he spoke so ill about me,abused my family.I Was unable to understand why he behaved like that.When i asked him what went wrong he made his family member to scold me.They started telling i’m disturbing him when he has no feelings for me.I pleaded his family member to allow me to speak to him for 5 min. He just shouted at me infront of them,twisting and blaming everything on me.
There was many mistakes from my side i expected regular messages,calls from him.I could have troubled him.But the punishment he gave is so big.His words n behaviour is haunting me,can’t digest the bad girl image from his family side. It hurts so deeply.I don’t understand what made him to give me this hell.
Dear Celeste,
I’m sorry to hear how hard it is for you to overcome your breakup and be happy again. Breaking up is heartbreaking — I know.
It sounds like you need to rebuild your life. Your ex is the main thing in your life — and it should never be that way. A boyfriend or husband should be one component of a busy, happy, healthy, fulfilling life! Not the pivotal point or the cornerstone.
It’ll be painful, but you need to move forward. You need to find things that interest you — and remember that life is about MORE than a love relationship! The more fulfilled and happy you are in your life, the more attractive you’ll be to others and to yourself.
What makes you happy, outside of your ex?
Hi Laurie, chance upon ur site and was glad that there is someone who keep up and responds to comments despite the article being written some time ago. I had broken up with my boyfriend of almost 4 years about 2 months ago. It was a mutual decision, mainly due to parent’s pressure (my parents didn’t quite like him) and I also thought it was a good chance for us to experience more of the outside world before we decide that we’re the one for each other. In our early 20s here by the way. Recently my only best friend drifted apart from me due to some issues. I felt like I’m all alone, I’ve lost the 2 most important people in my life. My ex is very supportive, offering to be friends and to be there whenever I need someone. It made it harder for me to forget about him even though it was really nice of him. Maybe I was too lonely or I just felt reliant on him, I tried to get him back through all means. I felt like I could do anything but he didn’t want to, he said he won’t get into a relationship any sooner; he doesn’t want any commitment, just want to have fun. I even suggested I could be the only one committing and I won’t mind if he’s meeting other girls. Very silly but I didn’t want to lose him. He said there’s still feelings, he still cares for me but he just didn’t want to be back in the relationship any more. He insists on being friends. I find myself going back to him again and again, I couldn’t forget the times we had together even though I know we broke up for a reason. I made a pact with him that if we are still single maybe 1 year down the road, we can try and see if things works out between us again. But I feel so devastated, I can’t stop talking to him, he’s like my pillar of strength and support throughout this few years. I don’t have any other friends I can rely on for support and I don’t want my family to know I still can’t get over..
Dear Jan,
Thanks for sharing your relationship here. It sounds like both you and your boyfriend are in a lot of pain. It’s a helpless feeling, seeing someone you love feel so bad about himself, isn’t it? Depression can be so devastating on so many levels.
Is it possible to find a balance between moving on and making sure he’s okay? Staying friends isn’t a healthy option, as you can’t go back to holding hands (or just having coffee!). But of course you don’t want to just abandon him – he’s in pain.
I think a good (but difficult) solution is to stay in periodic touch, perhaps by email every month. Let him know you’re thinking about him, but that you need time and space to heal. You really do need to protect your heart and mind, because the more contact you have, the harder it’ll be to move on.
Consider calling a depression hotline, and asking for advice on helping from a distance. They may even suggest no contact at all – they might encourage you to send him resources, and let him pick up those resources when he’s ready.
I wrote this article for you:
How to Recover the Years You Wasted in a Relationship
And you may also be interested in this one:
How to Cope With Your Partner’s Depression in a Relationship
I hope this helps, and welcome your thoughts here or there.
Blessings,
Laurie
My bf is clinically depressed and has broken up with me. We are both in our mid-forties and have been together for 3 years. He has been depressed before but has never broken up with me before. He refuses to go to his doctor to get help. I’m heartbroken and at my wits end – he said he wants to be friends as thats all he can offer right now, that he is a waste of space and that I deserve to be with someone who can give me the time and affection I deserve. I cant be friends with someone I love, but I’m worried about him and how else can I keep contact and make sure he’s ok? Is there any point? Should I just try to move on and accept that the relationship is over? Can someone with chronic depression really have a successful relationship? I feel like I’ve wasted the past 3 years of my life on hopes and plans for the future that are now just gone and dont think I can put myself through this again. Any advice would be appreciated.
Dear Lourie,
Thank you for this article. It is really painful overcoming heartache…
I am thankful that this article can help me in this strugle of mine..in one way or another…
More power to you!
Regards,
Jeric
Hi Wesley,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re still struggling with sadness and loss because of your breakup. It’s hard to let go of people we love…and it’s really hard to learn that they’re in a new relationship!
I wrote this article for you:
Relationship Breakup Advice – Help Getting Over Your Ex
I hope it helps.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Hi Laurie
I’m a 19 year old full time student. I been dating this girl ( who i cared the most) for about a year and a half. but now out of nowhere she decided she doesn’t want to be with me anymore and she didn’t even tell me why she broke up.. It’s been a couple years since our break up and now she found new guy to be with, which I’m happy for her but disapointed at the same time because I care about her and I admit that I still have feelings for her.I’ve been trying so hard to forget about her. I apply for a job, meet new people, delete her from my facebook friends list, anything that help me forget about her. but it seems it’s not working.
Jan, see http://www.thework.com/index.php for help with the anger and unfairness. Hard to work through,but worth it. To help you live with the reality.
JW
My newly deceased husband of 20yrs was a product of an abusive stepfather and submissive mother. He was constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY told he was “no good” if he didn’t tow the line every day to the exacting standards of his abusive stepfather. That went double for the mother. This monster of a “father” also introduced my deceased to alcohol in excessive quantities at a very early age.
The alcohol and the abuse were like a giving my husband a loaded double-barreled shotgun set of to off. After 30 years of emotional abuse, which he internalized, and heavy drinking, my husband died in 2007 of liver failure at the young age of 49.
And this monster of a father-in-law lives! And I’m having a lot of trouble with this atrocity, knowing it was the seeds of self-hate that this stepfather-in-law planted in his young and impressionable stepson (he was only 1.5yrs old when his mother married this beast), that lead to years and years of self-abuse through negative self-talk and alcohol abuse and finally death to a young man and father of 2 children himself (our children)!
And I find myself wanting justice! I want revenge for his untimely and premature death at the hands of ignorant parents and abusive parenting.
I’m so angry!!! I don’t know how to cope with knowing he died and they live on wearing halos! Like they had nothing to do with it, when in fact, their abusive parenting skills had EVERYTHING to do with it!!!
How do I deal with this roiling anger I feel towards these ignorant individuals who I now have to continue to call my “in-laws” and my surviving children call “grandparents”?
To this day, they wash their hands of any wrong doing. They say they don’t know what happened to their son. Yet, he is gone I WANT JUSTICE!
Please advise and thank you.
A
Dear Lorie,
I’m sorry to hear about your breakup — overcoming a breakup is definitely sadder and more difficult when your ex has already moved on!
Distancing yourself physically and emotionally may be the best way to heal your heartache. It’s too difficult to move on if you’re still in touch with her. I hope you can find the strength and courage to let her go, at least for several months, while you heal your broken heart.
Blessings,
Laurie
nice advise….i can really relate to this particular situation right now…its really hard for me to move knowing that my ex want me to be her bestfriend, i tried not to contact him but everytime she text me i replied….just to make it clear my ex is girl also….now she has new girlfriend for just a couple of days and then she still want me to stay as her bestfriend….so how can i move on
need more advised about this…
Thanks for your comments and tips for overcoming a breakup…they’re so helpful!
It’s such a cliche, but I find that time helps more than anything. It’s heartbreaking at the beginning and it feels like life is over, but the more time goes by, the easier it gets.
But then I hear of some people who haven’t gotten over a breakup that happened 5 or 10 or even 20 years ago, and I wonder what’s up with that!
Hi Laurie!
Breakups are so hard! My heart goes out to everyone who is going through this right now.
I went through a divorce about five years ago, and boy was it tough. For me, the best lessons that I learned from the experience were to stay in touch with my feelings (don’t bottle them up), express compassion for myself AND embrace compassion for my former husband.
Breakups are tough no matter who initiates it. All of our experience are meant to serve us and help us to learn and grow. Although I am happy that my divorce experience is over, I wouldn’t change a thing about it because of all that it taught me about myself and what I’m capable of.
((( hug )))
Susan
.-= Susan Liddy´s last blog post …SURVEY Results: “What do you think of beauty pageants like Miss America and Miss USA?” =-.
Hi Laurie, the article you’ve written has so much truth about it. Point Number 5 really hits home for myself, not just in relationships but just in life in general when I get stressed out. Whether it’s with my parents, my current relationship or the break up. Focusing on the bigger picture helps remind us that who we dated isn’t supportive of the bigger picture.
I’ve also found dealing with clients before that sometimes after a break up occurs is to put away all the gifts or objects that were given over the years, and to store it away or give it a friend until the emotions have calmed down. Old mementos can trigger feelings of love and can make it more difficult.
.-= Conversation Arts´s last blog post …Your Friends Will Lie To Your Face After Your Break Up =-.
Great article! The most painful hurt of all! And I know we’ve all been there. And no matter what other people say or how many self-help articles we read, it would all be useless if we don’t decide to get better. Focus on other stuff other than yourself for once. You will see that there is more to life than the one who broke your heart.