How to Overcome the Pain of a Bad Breakup and Be Happy Again

happy after broken heart

Are you playing with the Queen of Broken Hearts? (image by contemplicity, via flickr).

These five tips on overcoming the pain of a bad breakup will help you find happiness again. If you’re ruminating or obsessing, you won’t heal from the break up. You need to focus on health and recovery!

These tips for overcoming breakup pain are based on questions from readers, who often ask me how to heal after heartbreak.

“Relationships are like glass.  Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” ~ Anonymous.

Ending a relationship hurts, even when you know you’re no good together. And just because it hurts to break up, doesn’t mean you’re supposed to stay together! A broken relationship may leave shards of glass behind…and you may need to walk away.




If you’ve been stuck in the pain of a bad breakup for a long time, you may it helpful to learn how others coped with their loss. In 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love I share the best tips for healing from psychologists, life coaches, counselors, and grief experts on the best ways to cope with and heal from loss. If you feel hopeless and depressed, get that e-book. It’ll help you see that you’re not alone, and it’ll help you move on from the past.

“This book changed my way of thinking,” says a reader. “You have no idea how helpful this book is. I wish I had this information years ago. Bless you and what you have shared with the world.”

And, here are five ways to heal heartache and move on with your life…

Overcoming the Pain of a Bad Breakup

1. Own your actions – you can take control. “I have been trying to get over my first love,” says S.S., on one of my other articles about overcoming a breakup. “But every time I decide to do that I end up contacting him or he tries to contact me.”

If you want to overcome the pain, you need to cut off all forms of contact. I know how hard it is, but taking control, finding your inner strength, and not responding when he contacts you or you want to contact him is one of the best ways to overcome a breakup. You need to take ownership over your life.

2. Listen to what he says, but believe what he does. “It has been over a year and half since he broke up with me but he still tells me he loves me every time we talk,” says S.S. “I want him to come back to me completely but he says he can’t do that.” If your ex-boyfriend says he can’t get back together with you, believe him. He may say he loves you — and he may truly love you — but if he really wanted to be with you, he would be with you. If he says he isn’t in love with you anymore, you need to focus on other – better – parts of your life. You must accept what he says and move on.

Yes, I know it’s difficult…but the sooner you can pull yourself together and overcome the pain of a bad breakup, the happier you’ll be.

3. Stop focusing on your problems, and what you can’t do. Maybe you can’t talk to your friends about the breakup, can’t contact a counselor for professional help, and can’t understand why you can’t heal the pain of a bad breakup and be happy again. Well, what CAN you do? What steps can you take towards your goals in life?

Your first step is to figure out what your short and long-term goals are. Where do you want to be in one month, three months, six months, and a year? Write those down. Then, underneath each goal (for instance, “feel happier and more confident about my future”), write three ways to accomplish that goal (eg, “spend time with people who are positive and optimistic”, or “start a volunteer job that makes me feel good about who and where I am”).

Stop focusing on the “I can’t” and “I wish” parts of life. Instead, move forward towards the goals you can achieve.

4. Stay connected to who you are – your authentic self. Many women are confused and uncertain about how they should act with their ex – especially if the breakup isn’t final, or the relationship is going through a rocky time. Here’s what Kathleen says: “How do I turn things around and be a fun girl to hang out with again? I’m confused and anxious about approaching any oncoming situation, even things as small as our next phone call, and who should initiate it!”

The best way to sidestep this type of anxiety is to stay in touch with your healthiest, happiest, most fulfilled self. To be happy again, you must do what you love to do, connect with friends and family who know you best, and express yourself in writing or other ways.

5. Keep your long-term life goals in mind. Step back from your emotions and feelings and yearnings for a moment. Answer these questions logically and rationally – write your answers in a journal or diary: Is your boyfriend the healthiest choice for you? Are his life goals in line with your long-term life goals? Is he emotionally, physically, and spiritually available to you? Does he want to work on your relationship? Does he bring out the best in you, and make you feel secure, loved, smart, and independent?

Think about your relationship with a cool head and calm mind…let yourself feel all those uncontrollable emotions and yearnings, but don’t get swept away in a tidal wave of hopeless, unrealistic love and devotion.




For more breakup help, read Can’t Get Over the Break Up? How to Move Through the Pain.

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on twitterLaurie Pawlik-Kienlen on pinterestLaurie Pawlik-Kienlen on linkedinLaurie Pawlik-Kienlen on googleLaurie Pawlik-Kienlen on facebook
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Shalom! I can't give you advice, but please feel free to share your thoughts below. I'm a writer in Vancouver; my degrees are in Psychology, Education, and Social Work. I live with my husband, two dogs, and cat. We can't have children, and we trust in God's love, grace, and wisdom. Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28.

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32 Responses

  1. Laurie says:

    Dear Ms Bond,

    There is no easy way to accept a break up and be happy again! Different things work for different people – and you need to find what heals you from the inside out.

    In the past, how have you overcome heartache and pain? How do you accept life at its worst?

  2. Ms Bond says:

    I’m really pleased to see its not just me feeling so low while working through a breakup. I’m struggling to accept my bf decision, we met through work 10 months ago – I was coming through a divorce and he provided fun and laughter. Some months into our relationship his teenage daughter has been going through a very dark time and moved into his house full time. Consequently we’ve had very little time together and a lot of our efforts have gone into ensuring she is ok. My bf has become very withdrawn from everyone including me, leading him to tell me he doesn’t see a future with me. I desperately want to believe that without all the challenges with his daughter we may have had a future. Unfortunately this is leaving me with a tiny piece of hope that we can fix this, he has given me know sign he wants to makeup so I keep feeling like we’re breaking up over and over again. Any advice to to help me accept his decision so I can start moving on would be appreciated.

  3. pony says:

    3 days before i broke up wid my bf.m feeling really hurted…ahaha..we were in relationship for d past 1 year.at d starting of d relation he said me tht he will nvr leave me,n will marry me.but recently wen i askd him again now he is saying no.he broke my heart very badly.plz help me how can i forget him forever.:(

  4. Mandi says:

    We been dating 4 month then the brokeup happen. one month passed by and so completely hardest thing ever to let go someone you felt for.
    I know I must learn to accepted our differences and incompatible as he told me. I also need to learn and accepted that it’s over and gone for the best. I’d tried so hard to remind my self that he isn’t the one will make me happy. But my stupid mind refuse with denial to let it go. When there’s 95% of my heart still belief in him that he want us back someday but only 5% of subconscious told me if we ever get back again, we won’t get any better.
    That one month past by he tried to asked for friend which only letting me have hope about us. but it does not work that way for me. I can’t have hope in order for me to move on and be happy again with my life. we do have different goal and plan. Now I have to go on without contacts him and from last week talk to him on the phone which I shouldn’t pick up at all but I failed. Now im back to square one again. Due to my stupid PMS mood and brokeup issues, I almost walk out from my important job that my whole family depend on. Last time we spoke, I told him I accepted his decision but he need to accepted my requested of no contact at all. Over all he seem to agree about it that’s why I didn’t see any of his text or call anymore now. So im hoping he won’t call me ever and I can be heal. But the problem is we still work in the same place. I wish he quit his job and go a diff place. But I think he finally get the point now when I told him not to say hi or asked how im doing anymore. I told him it won’t help me heal if he still want to talk or be friend. At least now or next couple month.
    Something I’ve learn from this relationship is that never date a person who just brokeup with his ex. And never make anyone your priority when the other made you thier option. At the moment I am going thru crisis, crying, devastating, angry, depression, sad but he seem to walk fine and flirting with others. while im stressing out here, he could be making out with some chick who know. Or be on the phone with his new gf. Anyway, I have to live strong and understand my priorities with responsibilities. I guess the healing time is taking longer than I expected. this second month, I hope to feel better than I am right now. Rather than thinking of him 24/7 over nothing. Overall I need to lose hope about us. so I can move on with my life again. That’s when im totally done and it’s over then gone.

  5. Sweety says:

    Hello! Actually i have been moving on since 4 years. The guy left me for my sister who was already his friend via whom i met my ex. They were very happy together. Being only 16 i was quite desperate and since everything was happening before me, it was difficult not to feel jealous yea i did despite trying not to and to feel hurt. Finally i realised that i had hurt my ex by not wanting commitment but at 16 it was obviously notone of my important goals. Today i found myself during this pasy year into an illegitimate relationship with him as he came back to me saying he loved me. Guess i got all woud up as my self esteem was so low. But today i realised that im doing a very bad thing and cheating on people. furthermore, the guy is a winner from both sides. Therefore i stopped this obsession and stopped contacting him as i saw he used my emotions to get what he wanted. Today i am proud of myself for liberating myself from this relationship nd having worked on myself after learning from my past mistakes and experience.

  6. Aaliya says:

    Evn i had a breAk up with my bf (whm i used to consider as ma husband). It was not exactly a break up we had. But , i felt tht i need to maintain distance from that guy after having a llong term relationshp. He says , he makes me feel also tht he luvs me the most , but again, and again, he hurts me to such a deep extent tht it always becoms beyond ma imagination..He asks fr forgiveness aftr hurtng me everytime but immediately after couple of hrs of patch up, he does the same mistake..I dont knw whethr dliberately or in deliberately he is breakng up ma heart. But on ths dat, at ths momnt, i feel like–thos is enough..i cant handle these all anymre..m totally broken and pissed..I have had made so many sacrifices fr ths guy , but he nva understnds ma luv..he tells me sumthng and does sumthng else..I really dont knw whethr i hv takn a correct decision or not..But sumhw i feel like, i’ll be not happy without him, but atleast i wont cry..i feel like, ths is time i shoud focus on ma carrer, my family members, my own life..I am going to change my lifestyle completely..i must make a habit to stay away frm hm..It really hurts being togethr..Anyway, i trust on My Lord..i’ll be okhey soon…

  7. kayla says:

    I’ve been having a really terrible month. My niece (she was just shy of turning 2) passed away suddenly, my boyfriend (who I let down my walls for and really loved) and I broke up after I found out I was pregnant. It wasn’t the reason for the break up, I’m moving a couple hours away for school, get this, not september 2012, but september 2013 and he says he can’t deal with losing me? He says he needs time to think about things..mean while i find out he’s been kissing some girl, in the time that he was supposed to “think about things”. I did get an abortion yesterday, everything is fairly fresh and it’s been really hard staying strong. I cry a lot at night and to myself, I feel uncomfortable if i show those emotions in front of people. I just texted him telling him that if he really did love and want me, he would be with me now and that what we are doing isn’t healthy. His response was less than impressive. i feel a lot better if I don’t see him, but I live in a small town and we have a lot of mutual friends. After writing this down it’s making me realize how bad of a person he actually is. I always made excuses for him because I loved him. i always saw my friends get messed around by boys and thought how crazy they were for it and mean while I am getting messed around and only realize now. haha. I’m usually a really happy and friendly girl and I’m looking forward to when I’ll feel back to normal again, i know i will it’s just hard right now. The best thing I found was to realize I’d have awesome days and also days where I feel really low. Allowing myself to feel things is helping me. I’ve listened to speeding cars by imogen heap a lot. helps calm me down when i feel irrational and it’s really beautiful sounding so it makes me appreciate things when there isn’t too much i’m appreciating in real life. Stay strong ladies!

  8. Ksenia says:

    I just broke up with the love of my life. I trusted him and then BOOM it was gone. those suspicions, they were and still are driving me crazy. He’s the person i love the most and somewhere deep inside i know he loves me too. But he hurt me so…I thought that i would end all this pain by breaking up with him but it only gets worse. i cry and i cry, he texts and calls and he wouldn’t let go. it’s heartbreaking. and he’s my friend as well, i wish i could just talk to him about what’s going on. i have that urge. i try to resist. i try to burn the bridges, i think that’s exactly what i should do. and i still feel liek someone had stabbed me but wouldn’t end my misery…

  9. Dorcas says:

    Hi Laurie,am in the stage of learning to let go of my ex when seeing him with his latest love.I was in a relationship with him for close to ten months then he starts behaving suspiciously with a new girl in school and we fought a lot and then he confessed that he had slept with her a month before and he was in love with her(he had found a job and got her one and another friend male)i believed him despite the fact that she was sleeping in his house that is one-bedroomed(i trusted him that much)and he called us one afternoon telling us he was letting go of us because he was being selfish and he didnt know how to choose but he still came to see me and we made out then one night i couldnt sleep and i decided to go to his place and heard them arguing and later making out and later on read the girl’s diary(i was being played for a fool for a while)and he still said he loves me but he wants to know her so he’s living with her so i decided to find a job(we are all students in a university)in another city and forget him completely i have written down his cons and am battling that voice inside me that he could come back to me by making friends,writting a book,committing to bible study and fellowship and singing and even if it’s by a tiny bit am feeling better and i will get over him and i will never get back with him

  10. sonali malakar says:

    i had a relationship of 1 year…and all of a sudden my bf told me that his mom doesn’t agree with our relationship because we are of different race..i am an indian and he is a punjabi..why should his mom say it now when she knews about it earlier..and my bf’s mind has changed just because of his mom’s words..that realy hurts me alot..i dont know how can he just forget everything between us easily…i am jus suffering every second thinking of him..

  11. Laurie says:

    Thank you for sharing how you’re coping with a bad break up. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but glad you have the strength and courage to share your story.

    Can you see that you’re not alone? One of the best ways to overcome a bad breakup is to connect with people going through the same thing. Their pain and healing can make you stronger.

    You CAN cope with this and move on, but you need to find what works for you. Some people really like to focus on their future and long-term goals, while others need to get through the next hour. Knowing how you heal will help you overcome the pain and find happiness again.

    And, sharing your story can help you overcome the pain, because it changes how you see your relationship and your self.

  12. NATASHA says:

    I REALLY NEEDED TO READ THIS CAUSE I AM ONLY A COUPLE OF DAYS INTO MY BREAKUP BUT THE STEPS ARE THE RIGHT WAY TO GO ABOUT IT I SEE. HE KEEPS CALLING AND I WILL NOT ANSWER I REALLY FEEL LIKE I DO NOT OWE HIM AN ANSWER TO WHY I DECIDED TO LET GO. BUT I KNOW I HAVE TO BE STRONG . IT IS AN ADDICTION AND IT WEIGHS HEAVY ON YOUR HEART IF YOU REALLY DO LOVE THE PERSON …. WHO WANTS TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A BROKEN HEART

  13. Lexi T. says:

    I first got together with Brandon at a
    hockey game. I never really knew if he liked me or not because I thought that everyone was pressuring him into going out with me. So i never really found out if that was true or not. But our relationship only lasted about a week, i know what your thinking, a week well how is that even a REAL relationship then or how can u even call it a relationship? Well it was a nice relationship for me. I really liked him for a long time! and then before i knew it, i was dating him! I felt happy and wanted! What really hit me was when he finally said to me…I love you! That hit me because during our relationship I wasn’t convinced that he loved me as I loved him. But, the weird thing was when i would txt him or something, i would be so in love that stupid things would just fall out of my mouth!…but one night i felt that urge that oh i dont know that he didn’t love me anymore and that we wern’t really contacting anymore. that i just said I think we should just be friends, and i then he weirdly says…Lexi, u are a really nice girl but i think we should just be friends. then i said ok, then he says cool. End of disscussion! But, i was really eartbroken and depressed. nobody even knows how heartbroken and depressed I was and STILL AM! i cant ever get my mind off him and believe me, ive tried EVERYTHING!!! I talked to a professional consolaur, read books, articials, talked to my friends, deleted and erased everything from my mind from him, deleted his contact and tried to spoil me and everything! I even tried other boyfriends but then i broke there hearts because mine was still broken! </3

  14. Babes says:

    my boyfriend of 6months broke up with me yesterday because I researched about his past..the reason I initiated the research was not because I am an insecure person but it was because it took him 2 months to tell me he had a son from a previous relationship.. This got me suspicious and I just wanted to find out more about who I was dealing with, I didn’t want anymore surprises..I’m really hurt because during the past 6 months he has made me a very happy woman.. He was very sweet.. I know I maybe I should have trusted him and not research about him.. I doubt I will ever come across some one as sweet as he is.. I am so hurt, wish I could bring him back but seemingly his mind is made up.. I just don’t know if I’ll ever have energy to date again, a heart break is just too much to bear.. Too much..

  15. Bea says:

    Hi laurie, I am in a very difficult situation. Break up with the father of my 2 kids, we are not married but all living together. I sleep inside the room w my 2 kids while he sleep in living room. He avoiding me evrytime he see me, he will go out from the house quickly, as if i hv virus. It hurting me so much. he break up w me and some more he avoiding me. I asked him if me n kids can just move out from the house bec im grieving from break up i cannot move on if im still living w him.I ask him if me n kids can move out because i hv no money to rent other flat. he said ok he will pay for it but wait til end of may bec no money yet. Im working in his company and he is earning alot, he is earning 10x of the rent deposit. i dnt understand why hv to wait end of may. and why he can live with our situation like this. Is he not hurt? He doesnt need to move on? He moved on already thats why its ok with him if we all still living together? I really cannot understand the situation anymore. The other day we agreed to get a lawyer to discuss how can he support me n our kids. When i wrote down my demand and i told him he can edit it as to what he want, bur he got angry and said he will never help me anymore. I really dont understand anymore what is happening. Now im stocked in his house. he dnt let me work in his company anymore, but im statring a small business, no income yet thats why i cannot be independent yet. Evryday im crying and hugging my kids. I really cannot understand our situation. pls advise me wat to do. thank u so much.

  16. Priya says:

    Hi Laurie –
    I recently got dumped by my boy friend. We had been dating for just 11 months but became quite serious. We had an apartment together and he just recently moved out and decided to pursue a job in Hawaii. I feel like I am in a constant tsunami of emotions. I did all the wrong things after our breakup, and didn’t give him time and space and tried to “fix” our relationship. Every day I regret the things that I hadn’t done in our relationship. It was a shock when he broke up with me as this was someone that I wanted to marry. I keep trying to think positive and I know time heals all wounds but I can’t seem to get over him. He was the best part of my life and I don’t know how to go on without him. I feel empty and lack any type of motivation. I wish things had turned out differently.

  17. Venusha says:

    Dear Laurie..Great article.
    I’m going through a worst pain.I had a very best friend of mine who always cared for me so much.He said he loves me and wants to get committed to me.As he was younger to me i was afraid to admit but i started to get feelings for him..All of a sudden he spoke so ill about me,abused my family.I Was unable to understand why he behaved like that.When i asked him what went wrong he made his family member to scold me.They started telling i’m disturbing him when he has no feelings for me.I pleaded his family member to allow me to speak to him for 5 min. He just shouted at me infront of them,twisting and blaming everything on me.
    There was many mistakes from my side i expected regular messages,calls from him.I could have troubled him.But the punishment he gave is so big.His words n behaviour is haunting me,can’t digest the bad girl image from his family side. It hurts so deeply.I don’t understand what made him to give me this hell.

  18. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Celeste,

    I’m sorry to hear how hard it is for you to overcome your breakup and be happy again. Breaking up is heartbreaking — I know.

    It sounds like you need to rebuild your life. Your ex is the main thing in your life — and it should never be that way. A boyfriend or husband should be one component of a busy, happy, healthy, fulfilling life! Not the pivotal point or the cornerstone.

    It’ll be painful, but you need to move forward. You need to find things that interest you — and remember that life is about MORE than a love relationship! The more fulfilled and happy you are in your life, the more attractive you’ll be to others and to yourself.

    What makes you happy, outside of your ex?

  19. Celeste says:

    Hi Laurie, chance upon ur site and was glad that there is someone who keep up and responds to comments despite the article being written some time ago. I had broken up with my boyfriend of almost 4 years about 2 months ago. It was a mutual decision, mainly due to parent’s pressure (my parents didn’t quite like him) and I also thought it was a good chance for us to experience more of the outside world before we decide that we’re the one for each other. In our early 20s here by the way. Recently my only best friend drifted apart from me due to some issues. I felt like I’m all alone, I’ve lost the 2 most important people in my life. My ex is very supportive, offering to be friends and to be there whenever I need someone. It made it harder for me to forget about him even though it was really nice of him. Maybe I was too lonely or I just felt reliant on him, I tried to get him back through all means. I felt like I could do anything but he didn’t want to, he said he won’t get into a relationship any sooner; he doesn’t want any commitment, just want to have fun. I even suggested I could be the only one committing and I won’t mind if he’s meeting other girls. Very silly but I didn’t want to lose him. He said there’s still feelings, he still cares for me but he just didn’t want to be back in the relationship any more. He insists on being friends. I find myself going back to him again and again, I couldn’t forget the times we had together even though I know we broke up for a reason. I made a pact with him that if we are still single maybe 1 year down the road, we can try and see if things works out between us again. But I feel so devastated, I can’t stop talking to him, he’s like my pillar of strength and support throughout this few years. I don’t have any other friends I can rely on for support and I don’t want my family to know I still can’t get over..

  20. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Jan,

    Thanks for sharing your relationship here. It sounds like both you and your boyfriend are in a lot of pain. It’s a helpless feeling, seeing someone you love feel so bad about himself, isn’t it? Depression can be so devastating on so many levels.

    Is it possible to find a balance between moving on and making sure he’s okay? Staying friends isn’t a healthy option, as you can’t go back to holding hands (or just having coffee!). But of course you don’t want to just abandon him – he’s in pain.

    I think a good (but difficult) solution is to stay in periodic touch, perhaps by email every month. Let him know you’re thinking about him, but that you need time and space to heal. You really do need to protect your heart and mind, because the more contact you have, the harder it’ll be to move on.

    Consider calling a depression hotline, and asking for advice on helping from a distance. They may even suggest no contact at all – they might encourage you to send him resources, and let him pick up those resources when he’s ready.

    I wrote this article for you:

    How to Recover the Years You Wasted in a Relationship

    And you may also be interested in this one:

    How to Cope With Your Partner’s Depression in a Relationship

    I hope this helps, and welcome your thoughts here or there.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  21. Jan says:

    My bf is clinically depressed and has broken up with me. We are both in our mid-forties and have been together for 3 years. He has been depressed before but has never broken up with me before. He refuses to go to his doctor to get help. I’m heartbroken and at my wits end – he said he wants to be friends as thats all he can offer right now, that he is a waste of space and that I deserve to be with someone who can give me the time and affection I deserve. I cant be friends with someone I love, but I’m worried about him and how else can I keep contact and make sure he’s ok? Is there any point? Should I just try to move on and accept that the relationship is over? Can someone with chronic depression really have a successful relationship? I feel like I’ve wasted the past 3 years of my life on hopes and plans for the future that are now just gone and dont think I can put myself through this again. Any advice would be appreciated.

  22. jeric says:

    Dear Lourie,

    Thank you for this article. It is really painful overcoming heartache…
    I am thankful that this article can help me in this strugle of mine..in one way or another…

    More power to you!

    Regards,

    Jeric

  23. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Wesley,

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re still struggling with sadness and loss because of your breakup. It’s hard to let go of people we love…and it’s really hard to learn that they’re in a new relationship!

    I wrote this article for you:

    Relationship Breakup Advice – Help Getting Over Your Ex

    I hope it helps.

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

  24. Wesley says:

    Hi Laurie

    I’m a 19 year old full time student. I been dating this girl ( who i cared the most) for about a year and a half. but now out of nowhere she decided she doesn’t want to be with me anymore and she didn’t even tell me why she broke up.. It’s been a couple years since our break up and now she found new guy to be with, which I’m happy for her but disapointed at the same time because I care about her and I admit that I still have feelings for her.I’ve been trying so hard to forget about her. I apply for a job, meet new people, delete her from my facebook friends list, anything that help me forget about her. but it seems it’s not working.

  25. JW says:

    Jan, see http://www.thework.com/index.php for help with the anger and unfairness. Hard to work through,but worth it. To help you live with the reality.
    JW

  26. Jan says:

    My newly deceased husband of 20yrs was a product of an abusive stepfather and submissive mother. He was constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY told he was “no good” if he didn’t tow the line every day to the exacting standards of his abusive stepfather. That went double for the mother. This monster of a “father” also introduced my deceased to alcohol in excessive quantities at a very early age.
    The alcohol and the abuse were like a giving my husband a loaded double-barreled shotgun set of to off. After 30 years of emotional abuse, which he internalized, and heavy drinking, my husband died in 2007 of liver failure at the young age of 49.
    And this monster of a father-in-law lives! And I’m having a lot of trouble with this atrocity, knowing it was the seeds of self-hate that this stepfather-in-law planted in his young and impressionable stepson (he was only 1.5yrs old when his mother married this beast), that lead to years and years of self-abuse through negative self-talk and alcohol abuse and finally death to a young man and father of 2 children himself (our children)!
    And I find myself wanting justice! I want revenge for his untimely and premature death at the hands of ignorant parents and abusive parenting.
    I’m so angry!!! I don’t know how to cope with knowing he died and they live on wearing halos! Like they had nothing to do with it, when in fact, their abusive parenting skills had EVERYTHING to do with it!!!
    How do I deal with this roiling anger I feel towards these ignorant individuals who I now have to continue to call my “in-laws” and my surviving children call “grandparents”?
    To this day, they wash their hands of any wrong doing. They say they don’t know what happened to their son. Yet, he is gone I WANT JUSTICE!
    Please advise and thank you.
    A

  27. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Lorie,

    I’m sorry to hear about your breakup — overcoming a breakup is definitely sadder and more difficult when your ex has already moved on!

    Distancing yourself physically and emotionally may be the best way to heal your heartache. It’s too difficult to move on if you’re still in touch with her. I hope you can find the strength and courage to let her go, at least for several months, while you heal your broken heart.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  28. lovesky (lorie) says:

    nice advise….i can really relate to this particular situation right now…its really hard for me to move knowing that my ex want me to be her bestfriend, i tried not to contact him but everytime she text me i replied….just to make it clear my ex is girl also….now she has new girlfriend for just a couple of days and then she still want me to stay as her bestfriend….so how can i move on

    need more advised about this…

  29. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Thanks for your comments and tips for overcoming a breakup…they’re so helpful!

    It’s such a cliche, but I find that time helps more than anything. It’s heartbreaking at the beginning and it feels like life is over, but the more time goes by, the easier it gets.

    But then I hear of some people who haven’t gotten over a breakup that happened 5 or 10 or even 20 years ago, and I wonder what’s up with that!

  30. Susan Liddy says:

    Hi Laurie!

    Breakups are so hard! My heart goes out to everyone who is going through this right now.

    I went through a divorce about five years ago, and boy was it tough. For me, the best lessons that I learned from the experience were to stay in touch with my feelings (don’t bottle them up), express compassion for myself AND embrace compassion for my former husband.

    Breakups are tough no matter who initiates it. All of our experience are meant to serve us and help us to learn and grow. Although I am happy that my divorce experience is over, I wouldn’t change a thing about it because of all that it taught me about myself and what I’m capable of.

    ((( hug )))

    Susan
    .-= Susan Liddy´s last blog post …SURVEY Results: “What do you think of beauty pageants like Miss America and Miss USA?” =-.

  31. Conversation Arts says:

    Hi Laurie, the article you’ve written has so much truth about it. Point Number 5 really hits home for myself, not just in relationships but just in life in general when I get stressed out. Whether it’s with my parents, my current relationship or the break up. Focusing on the bigger picture helps remind us that who we dated isn’t supportive of the bigger picture.

    I’ve also found dealing with clients before that sometimes after a break up occurs is to put away all the gifts or objects that were given over the years, and to store it away or give it a friend until the emotions have calmed down. Old mementos can trigger feelings of love and can make it more difficult.
    .-= Conversation Arts´s last blog post …Your Friends Will Lie To Your Face After Your Break Up =-.

  32. Megan Zuniga says:

    Great article! The most painful hurt of all! And I know we’ve all been there. And no matter what other people say or how many self-help articles we read, it would all be useless if we don’t decide to get better. Focus on other stuff other than yourself for once. You will see that there is more to life than the one who broke your heart.

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