How to Make Up After a Break Up – Getting Back Together With Your Ex
Before the tips, a quip:
“Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.” ~ Author Unknown.
Are you convinced that letting go of your ex isn’t the best route? Click How to Get Your Lover Back: Successful Strategies for Starting Over (& Making It Better Than It Was Before). And, read on for a few strategies for getting back together with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend…
5 Tips for Making Up After Breaking Up
I’ve written more articles about splitting up and moving on after a relationship breakup than about getting back together with your ex. But, a few readers have asked for tips on getting back together after a breakup, so here we go…
1. Don’t play games with your ex. Perhaps you’re tempted to make him or her jealous by flirting or even sleeping with certain people. Don’t do it! Don’t play “mind games” or find psychological tricks for getting back together. Instead, be open, honest, and clear about why you want to make up instead of breaking up.
2. Get emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy. Nothing is more attractive than an emotionally, physically, spiritually healthy person! Not even a skinny body, full head of hair, expensive sports car, or buckets of money in the bank. If you want to get your ex back, do some work on your own psyche. This isn’t just about working on your weaknesses, it’s about developing your strengths so you’re as happy and grounded as possible.
3. Figure out why your relationship fell apart. Why was your relationship unhealthy? Was it going “bad” for a long time, or was it an unexpected breakup? Did your ex want to make changes…did you want things to change, but didn’t know how to make those changes? One of the first steps for getting back together with your ex is to be clear on why it happened.
4. Talk to your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend about why you broke up. One of the biggest predictors of successfully making up with an ex is whether you can honestly and effectively communicate with one another. Can you talk about your relationship without yelling, insulting, bringing up the past in a negative way? Can you be vulnerable with your ex – which includes admitting that you may need to change your own lifestyle or habits? If you want to get back together with your ex after an emotional affair, you may want to invest some time, energy, and money in couples counseling.
5. Make sure something in your relationship has changed. You can’t simply get back together without dealing with the catalyst that caused the breakup. This goes back to my second tip for making up after breaking up: figure out why your relationship ended. But, getting back together involves more than just knowing what went wrong: making up is about fixing what went wrong. Again, a session or two with a couples counselor may be helpful.
If you want to get back together with your ex, you might find The Magic of Making Up helpful.
And if you and your ex aren’t getting back together anytime soon, you might want to read Ways to Stop Obsessing About Your Ex-Girlfriend or Ex-Boyfriend.
Do you have any comments or questions on making up after breaking up? I welcome your thoughts below…I’d also be happy to write more tips on making up after breaking up — just let me know if you want more specific info!
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Dating Tips, Love & Relationships
accordin to me women r very clever…i was in love with a girl since 2n half years…we r commited to each other.we share each n everythin of our lyf ,hangin out together..but she betrayed me for another man..she blamed the entire reason of breakup on me before her family..but i didn’t said a single word against her now i m happy n i wld be happy if her new man would be better than me…she told me that she needs a gud n nice man not a bad guy lyk me who don’t understand her feelings(as per her)..tats vry fine…
now her cousion sister wants to marry me but she is against that..she don’t wanna her sister to go with me..i don’t know the reason..
i’am happy with her new relation but why can’t she??
Hello! I discoevered your website and felt encouraged to write down about my current situation…
Since about one month and a half my boyfriend told me he does not see it with us going further anylonger. He said he cares a lot about me (meaning he loves me), but he also needs time to reflect.
We had some issues, but in my view not really insurmountable and I really did grow a lot (self-development, etc) in knowing myself and facing life challenges (a thing he used to say to me I shuld work on and I did since I realised I need to).
At the moment he feels that his spiritual practices (catholic) are not so compatible with the way I see certain things. However, I respect his way and share some of it but not completely agree with everything.
I told him that’s quite absurd to ask from someone to completelky share everything at this spiritual level, finally spirituality is so personal that’s so difficult to share completely with somebody… He kind of agreed, but he said he really needs space/time to reflect.
And here’s the point: I have really a diffcult time in accepting that he needs time to reflect and that he said he does not see it with us anylonger…
We spoke on Monday (December 6, 2010) lastly and I also agreed to let a week break in between (ie not hearing each other at all).
Next Tuesday (December 14, 2010) we meet a priest who would mediate our meeting and I am lokking forward to that; we know him both of us and he’s really good. We’ve met him already by the end of November and we established again now, in December.
Mostly, I’m noe confronted with issues like fear of abandonment and lack of seeing a sense in everything that’s happening to me at the possibility of him not being part of my life anylonger.
I weeped a lot and in this month and a half a lot of the phone talks or meetings (2-3 only) with him were ending up in hight tones, weeping, dramas this showing up myself very weak, while he was kind of cool but feeling sorry that I’m going through this… But I realise now even better that this is not a behaviour which would bring him back and that’s why I’m decided to really keep quiet, at least a week now, till next meeting. And I’m taking care of myself doing things I like, speaking with friends & family… And I’m thinking now about what brought us to this point and think about what to do next, after December 14. To still propose e.g. a month break and then see again? Or even longer? Of course, this is going to be shown up also during our next meeting…
He’s my first long-time relationship (8 years) and I felt very overwhelmed/shocked by his sudden decision (it came like this after a pilgrimage of 10 days to Medjugorje – unofficial catholic pilgrimage place).
I love him deeply and I do feel he is my soulmate and I hope that someday we’ll be back again together. We’re such a good match!
On his side there were along the way liberty, commitment, taking responsability issues (I had them too, though in a lesser amount) but I have/had the feeling he improved too… But now, when we were about to actually move into a flat (waited for that 2.5 years) he kind of freaked out… So again, fear of really committing covered up by some apparent spiritual incompatibility (which is not so true, as I was saying above)???
I would be gald to hear some of your insights on my situation and I would also be glad of some tips/recommandations on coping with letting space/quiet between us when I feel the urge of contacting him (since I miss him, etc).
Thank you so much!
Best, Nicoleta
Dear Jim,
I think the best thing you can do is respect her wishes, and be her friend. I know how difficult it is to be friends when you want more, but you can’t change her mind at this point. Right now, your best bet is to accept her decision and be the best friend you possibly can.
The more you push her towards making up and getting back together, the farther she’ll pull away…and eventually you won’t even have a friendship with her! Plus, continuing to try to change her mind is controlling and agressive. You need to respect her wishes, my friend.
Take time to continue working on your issues — because things never get resolved overnight! Keep growing and changing, even though you’re not in a relationship with her right now. She’ll see your growth, and may decide to get back together without you prompting her. Then you’ll know your relationship was meant to be.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.
Also — you may find 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love helpful. It’s all about moving on. You don’t have to cut her out of your life or stop loving her, but you do want to show that you’re healthy and independent and strong.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Hi,
Recently my now ex-girlfriend broke up with me due to some issues we been having for the last year. We were together for about 3.5 years before the break that happened about 4 weeks ago. Since them we have been out twice. The first time was just dinner and although we had a good time, it was very friendly and not like were we a couple. We did share food and drinks during dinner. The next time out we went to a hockey game and had dinner and drank too much where I spent the night at her house in the same bed. But nothing happened. She was more relax the second time. Now we are traveling to Vegas for the weekend to do a couple of running events. Basically we have been communicating regularly, but only as friends and not as a couple. When we broke up she thinks I am a great guy, but doesn’t see us long term or marriage. I’m not sure if that was her way of coping with things. I have since understand my issues and told her that I can change for us, but she still does not want to get back together. She did say during our first time out after the break up that she wants to be friends and let it build. I don’t mind doing it, but do want to have romance in our relationship. Thoughts?
Hi Lisa,
It’s not necessarily too late to get back together with your ex-boyfriend — even if he’s seeing someone else! Sometimes people need to pull away and explore relationships with other people before they realize that the original person was the right one.
However, getting back together with your ex does depend to a large degree on why you broke up in the first place. It sounds like you and he have some issues that need to be worked out…and of course you can’t work those out if he’s seeing someone else.
I think the best thing to do — which may or may not help you get him back — is to focus on the things you can change. One major thing is your own issues. I encourage you to actively work on dealing with your issues, and put thoughts about getting back together on the back burner for awhile.
Give your ex-boyfriend time and space to breathe, and to miss you. In the meantime, do some serious self-evaluation. How did your actions affect your relationship — both negatively and positively? What are some things you want to change about your life and personality?
Work on yourself, and let your ex-boyfriend do what he needs to do. When his birthday or some other significant date rolls around, send him a card or friendly email…let him know you’re thinking about him and that you’re available to talk if he ever wants to.
And, keep focusing on being a woman you’re proud to be! Become someone you respect, like, and even love.
Blessings,
Laurie
.-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post …How to be Lucky – 10 Ways to Get Luckier in Life and Love =-.
Some advise please.
After a six year relationship. engaged for three my boyfriend broke it off with me, cause we had three embarrasing fights in one month. the last one did it, i bit him in public over a jealousy fit. Anyways we have been broken up for two months, the first month we communicated atleast one time each day. the second month he didnt call as much, and i found myself wanting to hear his voice and called almost each day. during the second month i found out he was seeing someone else. i want my relationship back, there things about me taht i have to change and i know that, but how do i know if there is a chance. and if i give him space and fix myself, will it be too late since he has already hooked up with someone.
I talked to him since & he was really confusing. At first, he was normal, then when I seemed sad he grabbed my hand and put his arm around me and asked me what was wrong. When I asked him how he felt about breaking up, he said he felt normal cause it didn’t feel like we were. He even kissed me & told me he needed time to think and would tell me after class. After class, he hugged me and said he wants to work things out, and hugged me and kissed me, then after that class he said he pretty much made up his mind that he wanted to break up because we argue too much, but then he said he needed time to think & and still he hugged and kissed me and told me he loved me. At the end of the day, he was in a really good mood or so it seems & he said we should take a break for a week. Last night he called me and said he doesn’t think he’s ready for a relationship and pointed out everything I did wrong, then said that he’s not dating anyone for a long time and we should be friends until we are both ready & that ill find someone perfect for me but he won’t. I’m not sure what to think. Does it sound like he plans dating me after he’s had some time to think things through? He said he’s going to or like those are cheesy ways to let me down easy? He also said that his parents have made him realize that he’s not cut out for long term relationships. he’s used excuses like this to break up with past girlfriends, but the difference is he didn’t mention dating them in the future & the first time me and him dated for only 9 days he didn’t date anyone for half a year & then it was only cause he thought I had moved on. This time we’ve been together for almost 8 months.
Dear confused,
It’s difficult to guess what’s going on in your boyfriend’s head, but it sounds like he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. He needs time and space to figure things out, but he does care for you.
Maybe he’ll want to get back together after he’s had time to think — and maybe by then you won’t even want to make up because you’ve moved on!
In the meantime, while you’re being just friends instead of boyfriend and girlfriend, I enourage you to create a happy, fun exciting life. I know it’s difficult to do when you’re coping with heartache — when all you want to do is get back together with your ex — but wallowing in sadness won’t help. And, being sad and lonely definitely won’t make you more attractive to your ex!
I wish you all the best, and hope things work out for you and your ex….
Laurie
Lately me & my boyfriend have been arguing a lot. Like, we would be fine for a week then argue again. We’ve broken up before, but never for more than a few hours. Today we got in a argument about something he did & he broke up with me for real. He says he still loves me and always will and if were meant to be, well find each other again because he’s feels like we argue too much & like he shouldn’t be so emotionally attached. He also said he’s not going to be dating for a while. And he still wants to be best friends. Does it sound likf he’s just trying to make me feel better or like he might wanna get back together?
Hi paranoid,
Your boyfriend has serious insecurity and trust issues, and is not acting out of love. Nor is he trying to “prevent things from going wrong.” He’s dealing with fear and pain by trying to control you, which is extremely unhealthy (and even dangerous).
I don’t know if he’s starting to trust you, but I think he needs help from a counselor. This isn’t normal healthy behavior, and it could even be warning signs of worse behavior to come. Many abusive relationships start with “little” things like trying to control what women wear and who they talk to, and grow into bigger, worse issues.
I think you should take a step back from this relationship, and give him time to figure out his trust issues. I don’t know if he’s open to getting counseling, but whether or not he does, I hope you pull away from him.
Wishing you all the best,
Laurie
My boyfriend has always been a little possessive & I have too but not as much as him. He doesn’t like me wearing make up, talking to other guys, or really dressing up. he said recently that he’s going to not care what I do anymore and if I want to do something do it because he doesn’t want me to become depressed from feeling like he’s controlling me, and he doesn’t want is to end up breaking up later down the road because of it. I didn’t think much about it but two of my friends did. Now I wonder, does it sound like he cares about me less? Or is he trying to prevent things from going wrong, like he says. he has admitted to me that he doesn’t trust me because he’s scared to because that makes him vulnerable. Is it possible he’s starting to trust me but is scared to admit it? Or, does it seem like he’s just losing interest?
Angelo,
Thanks for your comment — I look forward to seeing “The Broken Hearts Club”!
I am an independent filmmaker. I wrote, directed and produced an indie film called, “The Broken Hearts Club” that might be a fitting tool for closure. The film is like LOVE ACTUALLY meets IN TREATMENT, funny, heartwarming, brave and true. It provides hope: hope for closure, reconciliation or simply mending a broken heart.