Jan 122010
 

get back with exBreaking up doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is over. If you want to get back with your ex, learn how to make up after a break up.

More importantly, these tips will help you determine if you really WANT to make up with your ex…or if you’re better off letting go of the past and moving on to a happier, healthier stage of life.

I’ve written more articles about letting go of someone you love than about getting back together with your ex, because I mostly believe that it’s better to move forward.

However, several readers asked for tips on getting an ex back after a breakup – and in some cases, getting back together is the best thing you could ever do. It depends on why you broke up and why you want to get back together. Try to look beyond your heartache and pain, and be objective about your reasons for wanting to reunite. Focus on being a healthy, happy, strong person — not a weak, desperate waif who is scared of not finding love again.

5 Tips for Making Up After Breaking Up

If you’re convinced that you can’t let go and move on, here are a few strategies for getting back together with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend.

Don’t play games with your ex

Perhaps you’re tempted to make him or her jealous by flirting or even sleeping with certain people. Don’t do it! Don’t play “mind games” or find psychological tricks for getting back together. Instead, be open, honest, and clear about why you want to make up instead of breaking up.

Get emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy

Nothing is more attractive than an emotionally, physically, spiritually healthy person! Not even a skinny body, full head of hair, expensive sports car, or buckets of money in the bank. If you want to get your ex back, do some work on your own psyche. This isn’t just about working on your weaknesses, it’s about developing your strengths so you’re as happy and grounded as possible.

Figure out why your relationship fell apart

Why was your relationship unhealthy? Was it going “bad” for a long time, or was it an unexpected breakup? Did your ex want to make changes…did you want things to change, but didn’t know how to make those changes? One of the first steps for getting back together with your ex is to be clear on why it happened.

Was the breakup was a mistake? How to Get Your Ex Back Forever 

Talk to your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend about why you broke up

One of the biggest predictors of successfully making up with an ex is whether you can honestly and effectively communicate with one another. Can you talk about your relationship without yelling, insulting, bringing up the past in a negative way? Can you be vulnerable with your ex – which includes admitting that you may need to change your own lifestyle or habits? If you want to get back together with your ex after an emotional affair, you may want to invest some time, energy, and money in couples counseling.

Make sure something in your relationship has changed

You can’t simply get back together without dealing with the catalyst that caused the breakup. This goes back to my second tip for making up after breaking up: figure out why your relationship ended. But, getting back together involves more than just knowing what went wrong: making up is about fixing what went wrong. Again, a session or two with a couples counselor may be helpful.

If you know deep in your heart that you and your ex aren’t getting back together, read 3 Reasons to Stop Begging Him to Come Back.

What do you think – can you make up after breaking up?

Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.” ~ Unknown.

  19 Responses to “Want to Get Back With Your Ex? How to Make Up After a Break Up”

  1. Dear payal,

    I think that if your boyfriend wants to be with you, he wouldn’t cheat on you or break up with you! It sounds like you and he aren’t meant to be together – it isn’t a healthy, happy relationship.

    Sometimes you have to give up on the idea of making up after a break up and getting back together with your ex. Sometimes, you just have to accept that he is cheating on you because the love you have isn’t good.

    You broke up for a reason — you weren’t meant to be together. Can you start grieving the end of your relationship, and move on?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  2. Hi..
    I had 4 years reltn wid my bf.he alwayz cheatd me bt nyhw he knwed hw to make me up.n I too use to fogve him..dis 4 yrs hve made me vry much attracted towards him.1 week ago he again cheatd me..bt I din made a issue by fighting wid him..n jst tld d othr gal nt to b in contact wid him plz..I dun knw wt happnd to him he jst broke wid me..n is nt takng me jst ignoring n says he dun wnt me mre..aftr ol dis I still wnt him bck..plzzz let me nythng or tips through wich I cud get my luv bck..m adictd to him..plzzz suggest me smthng

  3. Dear Brian,

    I’m so sorry to hear that your marriage has fallen apart. It’s heartbreaking to be served with divorce papers, and to sign away your love and relationship with your wife. What’s especially sad is that you now see how your marriage went downhill – and you would do anything to change the past and get her back.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Lean on God as you share your heart and soul with your wife. Pray for discernment and the right words, for wisdom and strength. I will pray for you, that you’re able to communicate your true thoughts and feelings, and that your wife will see your heart. I will pray she keeps her mind and heart open, and that God melts her resolve and breathes new hope into her and you.

    Please also remember that making up after a breakup takes time and patience. It may not happen overnight.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  4. I am a wreck right now. A few weeks ago my wife and I got into a argument over expectation we have for each other and how we arent meeting them. She made the comment that maybe she should just pack a few things and leave. I was genuinly hurt by her comment and I over reacted out of anger. She was gone that night with all her belongings. I was anger and upset for a few days when it happened. I had been all alone fordays in this house when I calmed down and started running every thing through my head. How did it all come to this. slowly I began to see what had happened. I work alot of hours because it was instilled in me that is what a husband, father does to support his family and to head his family. I had taken my eyes of the prize and let things get bad to the piont of this and didnot even realize it. rachel and I are being civil with each other and have both stated that we do still love each other. it was decided that we would get a divorce and part as friend. the papers are sitting next to me and have been for 5 days now. I know what i have to do for myself and situation to make this love righteous again. been a wreck trying to prep myself for the chance that she still doesnt want me when i let her know i dont want to sign the papers. I have never felt so in love and scared of the outcome. what if she is gone for good. i do not believe i could bare the pain of knowing i did this to us and lost that person that means everything to, my moon, my stars, my sun. my world to me. Pray for me please

  5. LAURIE,

    MY BOYFRIEND JUST BROKE THINGS OFF WITH ME AND IT WAS A SHOCK. WE WERE SO HAPPY, WE NEVER FOUGHT, WE ALWAYS GOT ALONG AND TALKED ABOUT HOW WE FELT SO STRONGLY FOR ONE ANOTHER. WE GOT INTO OUR VERY FIRST ARGUMENT A WEEK AGO BUT MADE UP WITHIN AN HOUR, THAT NIGHT WE TALKED ABOUT OUR FEARS OF BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE WE ARE SO INDEPENDENT. HE SAID THAT IN THE PAST HE HAS PUSHED AWAY THE WOMEN HE HAD FEELINGS FOR, BUT THAT HE WAS HAPPY WITH ME AND NEVER FELT SO CLOSE TO ANYONE. HE WAS DISTANT THE NEXT DAY, AND THEN ASKED FOR SPACE. HE BROKE THINGS OFF A COUPLE DAYS LATER AND SAID THAT WE WOULD NEVER WORK OUT IN THE FUTURE AND GAVE A BUNCH OF REASONS WHY WE WERE DIFFERENT (CAREER CHOICES, POLITICAL VIEWS). THEN WHEN I RESTATED THE CONVERSATION WHERE HE SAID HE PUSHES THOSE HE LOVES AWAY, HE REACTED BY SAYING THAT ALL OF THE THINGS HE HAS TOLD ME ABOUT THE WAY HE FEELS WERE FALSE, THAT HE IMAGINED THEM AND MANIPULATED ME, THAT HE IS A HORRIBLE PERSON. I REPLIED THAT HE WILL LIVE A LONELY LIFE WITH REGRET BECAUSE OF HIS FEARS, AND HE SAID HE PROBABLY WOULD. HE SAID HE CARES FOR ME AND REGRETS HURTING ME.

    I HAVE GIVEN HIM SPACE AFTER TRYING TO CONTACT HIM ONCE SINCE THE BREAKUP AND HE REFUSED TO MEET WITH ME TO TALK UNTIL A WEEK FROM NOW. WHAT SHOULD I DO? I DONT WANT TO PUSH HIM AWAY BY PRESSURING HIM TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO SOON, BUT I ALSO DONT WANT TO LOOSE HIM FOREVER BY LETTING TOO MUCH TIME PASS.

  6. How do you know it’s a good idea to make up after a break up? Sometimes it’s better to leave a broken relationship broken, and not try to get back with your ex.

    If you’re being abused or mistreated, you definitely shouldn’t try to make up.

  7. accordin to me women r very clever…i was in love with a girl since 2n half years…we r commited to each other.we share each n everythin of our lyf ,hangin out together..but she betrayed me for another man..she blamed the entire reason of breakup on me before her family..but i didn’t said a single word against her now i m happy n i wld be happy if her new man would be better than me…she told me that she needs a gud n nice man not a bad guy lyk me who don’t understand her feelings(as per her)..tats vry fine…
    now her cousion sister wants to marry me but she is against that..she don’t wanna her sister to go with me..i don’t know the reason..
    i’am happy with her new relation but why can’t she??

  8. Hello! I discoevered your website and felt encouraged to write down about my current situation…

    Since about one month and a half my boyfriend told me he does not see it with us going further anylonger. He said he cares a lot about me (meaning he loves me), but he also needs time to reflect.

    We had some issues, but in my view not really insurmountable and I really did grow a lot (self-development, etc) in knowing myself and facing life challenges (a thing he used to say to me I shuld work on and I did since I realised I need to).

    At the moment he feels that his spiritual practices (catholic) are not so compatible with the way I see certain things. However, I respect his way and share some of it but not completely agree with everything.

    I told him that’s quite absurd to ask from someone to completelky share everything at this spiritual level, finally spirituality is so personal that’s so difficult to share completely with somebody… He kind of agreed, but he said he really needs space/time to reflect.

    And here’s the point: I have really a diffcult time in accepting that he needs time to reflect and that he said he does not see it with us anylonger…

    We spoke on Monday (December 6, 2010) lastly and I also agreed to let a week break in between (ie not hearing each other at all).

    Next Tuesday (December 14, 2010) we meet a priest who would mediate our meeting and I am lokking forward to that; we know him both of us and he’s really good. We’ve met him already by the end of November and we established again now, in December.

    Mostly, I’m noe confronted with issues like fear of abandonment and lack of seeing a sense in everything that’s happening to me at the possibility of him not being part of my life anylonger.

    I weeped a lot and in this month and a half a lot of the phone talks or meetings (2-3 only) with him were ending up in hight tones, weeping, dramas this showing up myself very weak, while he was kind of cool but feeling sorry that I’m going through this… But I realise now even better that this is not a behaviour which would bring him back and that’s why I’m decided to really keep quiet, at least a week now, till next meeting. And I’m taking care of myself doing things I like, speaking with friends & family… And I’m thinking now about what brought us to this point and think about what to do next, after December 14. To still propose e.g. a month break and then see again? Or even longer? Of course, this is going to be shown up also during our next meeting…

    He’s my first long-time relationship (8 years) and I felt very overwhelmed/shocked by his sudden decision (it came like this after a pilgrimage of 10 days to Medjugorje – unofficial catholic pilgrimage place).

    I love him deeply and I do feel he is my soulmate and I hope that someday we’ll be back again together. We’re such a good match!

    On his side there were along the way liberty, commitment, taking responsability issues (I had them too, though in a lesser amount) but I have/had the feeling he improved too… But now, when we were about to actually move into a flat (waited for that 2.5 years) he kind of freaked out… So again, fear of really committing covered up by some apparent spiritual incompatibility (which is not so true, as I was saying above)???

    I would be gald to hear some of your insights on my situation and I would also be glad of some tips/recommandations on coping with letting space/quiet between us when I feel the urge of contacting him (since I miss him, etc).

    Thank you so much!
    Best, Nicoleta

  9. Dear Jim,

    I think the best thing you can do is respect her wishes, and be her friend. I know how difficult it is to be friends when you want more, but you can’t change her mind at this point. Right now, your best bet is to accept her decision and be the best friend you possibly can.

    The more you push her towards making up and getting back together, the farther she’ll pull away…and eventually you won’t even have a friendship with her! Plus, continuing to try to change her mind is controlling and agressive. You need to respect her wishes, my friend.

    Take time to continue working on your issues — because things never get resolved overnight! Keep growing and changing, even though you’re not in a relationship with her right now. She’ll see your growth, and may decide to get back together without you prompting her. Then you’ll know your relationship was meant to be.

    I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.

    Also — you may find 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love helpful. It’s all about moving on. You don’t have to cut her out of your life or stop loving her, but you do want to show that you’re healthy and independent and strong.

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

  10. Hi,
    Recently my now ex-girlfriend broke up with me due to some issues we been having for the last year. We were together for about 3.5 years before the break that happened about 4 weeks ago. Since them we have been out twice. The first time was just dinner and although we had a good time, it was very friendly and not like were we a couple. We did share food and drinks during dinner. The next time out we went to a hockey game and had dinner and drank too much where I spent the night at her house in the same bed. But nothing happened. She was more relax the second time. Now we are traveling to Vegas for the weekend to do a couple of running events. Basically we have been communicating regularly, but only as friends and not as a couple. When we broke up she thinks I am a great guy, but doesn’t see us long term or marriage. I’m not sure if that was her way of coping with things. I have since understand my issues and told her that I can change for us, but she still does not want to get back together. She did say during our first time out after the break up that she wants to be friends and let it build. I don’t mind doing it, but do want to have romance in our relationship. Thoughts?

  11. Hi Lisa,

    It’s not necessarily too late to get back together with your ex-boyfriend — even if he’s seeing someone else! Sometimes people need to pull away and explore relationships with other people before they realize that the original person was the right one.

    However, getting back together with your ex does depend to a large degree on why you broke up in the first place. It sounds like you and he have some issues that need to be worked out…and of course you can’t work those out if he’s seeing someone else.

    I think the best thing to do — which may or may not help you get him back — is to focus on the things you can change. One major thing is your own issues. I encourage you to actively work on dealing with your issues, and put thoughts about getting back together on the back burner for awhile.

    Give your ex-boyfriend time and space to breathe, and to miss you. In the meantime, do some serious self-evaluation. How did your actions affect your relationship — both negatively and positively? What are some things you want to change about your life and personality?

    Work on yourself, and let your ex-boyfriend do what he needs to do. When his birthday or some other significant date rolls around, send him a card or friendly email…let him know you’re thinking about him and that you’re available to talk if he ever wants to.

    And, keep focusing on being a woman you’re proud to be! Become someone you respect, like, and even love.

    Blessings,
    Laurie
    .-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post …How to be Lucky – 10 Ways to Get Luckier in Life and Love =-.

  12. Some advise please.

    After a six year relationship. engaged for three my boyfriend broke it off with me, cause we had three embarrasing fights in one month. the last one did it, i bit him in public over a jealousy fit. Anyways we have been broken up for two months, the first month we communicated atleast one time each day. the second month he didnt call as much, and i found myself wanting to hear his voice and called almost each day. during the second month i found out he was seeing someone else. i want my relationship back, there things about me taht i have to change and i know that, but how do i know if there is a chance. and if i give him space and fix myself, will it be too late since he has already hooked up with someone.

  13. Dear confused,

    It’s difficult to guess what’s going on in your boyfriend’s head, but it sounds like he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. He needs time and space to figure things out, but he does care for you.

    Maybe he’ll want to get back together after he’s had time to think — and maybe by then you won’t even want to make up because you’ve moved on!

    In the meantime, while you’re being just friends instead of boyfriend and girlfriend, I enourage you to create a happy, fun exciting life. I know it’s difficult to do when you’re coping with heartache — when all you want to do is get back together with your ex — but wallowing in sadness won’t help. And, being sad and lonely definitely won’t make you more attractive to your ex!

    I wish you all the best, and hope things work out for you and your ex….

    Laurie

  14. I talked to him since & he was really confusing. At first, he was normal, then when I seemed sad he grabbed my hand and put his arm around me and asked me what was wrong. When I asked him how he felt about breaking up, he said he felt normal cause it didn’t feel like we were. He even kissed me & told me he needed time to think and would tell me after class. After class, he hugged me and said he wants to work things out, and hugged me and kissed me, then after that class he said he pretty much made up his mind that he wanted to break up because we argue too much, but then he said he needed time to think & and still he hugged and kissed me and told me he loved me. At the end of the day, he was in a really good mood or so it seems & he said we should take a break for a week. Last night he called me and said he doesn’t think he’s ready for a relationship and pointed out everything I did wrong, then said that he’s not dating anyone for a long time and we should be friends until we are both ready & that ill find someone perfect for me but he won’t. I’m not sure what to think. Does it sound like he plans dating me after he’s had some time to think things through? He said he’s going to or like those are cheesy ways to let me down easy? He also said that his parents have made him realize that he’s not cut out for long term relationships. he’s used excuses like this to break up with past girlfriends, but the difference is he didn’t mention dating them in the future & the first time me and him dated for only 9 days he didn’t date anyone for half a year & then it was only cause he thought I had moved on. This time we’ve been together for almost 8 months.

  15. Lately me & my boyfriend have been arguing a lot. Like, we would be fine for a week then argue again. We’ve broken up before, but never for more than a few hours. Today we got in a argument about something he did & he broke up with me for real. He says he still loves me and always will and if were meant to be, well find each other again because he’s feels like we argue too much & like he shouldn’t be so emotionally attached. He also said he’s not going to be dating for a while. And he still wants to be best friends. Does it sound likf he’s just trying to make me feel better or like he might wanna get back together?

  16. Hi paranoid,

    Your boyfriend has serious insecurity and trust issues, and is not acting out of love. Nor is he trying to “prevent things from going wrong.” He’s dealing with fear and pain by trying to control you, which is extremely unhealthy (and even dangerous).

    I don’t know if he’s starting to trust you, but I think he needs help from a counselor. This isn’t normal healthy behavior, and it could even be warning signs of worse behavior to come. Many abusive relationships start with “little” things like trying to control what women wear and who they talk to, and grow into bigger, worse issues.

    I think you should take a step back from this relationship, and give him time to figure out his trust issues. I don’t know if he’s open to getting counseling, but whether or not he does, I hope you pull away from him.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Laurie

  17. My boyfriend has always been a little possessive & I have too but not as much as him. He doesn’t like me wearing make up, talking to other guys, or really dressing up. he said recently that he’s going to not care what I do anymore and if I want to do something do it because he doesn’t want me to become depressed from feeling like he’s controlling me, and he doesn’t want is to end up breaking up later down the road because of it. I didn’t think much about it but two of my friends did. Now I wonder, does it sound like he cares about me less? Or is he trying to prevent things from going wrong, like he says. he has admitted to me that he doesn’t trust me because he’s scared to because that makes him vulnerable. Is it possible he’s starting to trust me but is scared to admit it? Or, does it seem like he’s just losing interest?

  18. Angelo,

    Thanks for your comment — I look forward to seeing “The Broken Hearts Club”!

  19. I am an independent filmmaker. I wrote, directed and produced an indie film called, “The Broken Hearts Club” that might be a fitting tool for closure. The film is like LOVE ACTUALLY meets IN TREATMENT, funny, heartwarming, brave and true. It provides hope: hope for closure, reconciliation or simply mending a broken heart.