How do you let go of the person you thought you couldn’t live without?
Letting go of someone you love may be the most painful thing you ever do – and the most important. Here’s how to let go and move on.
These tips on letting go of love will help you remember that “relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting them back together.” ~ Unknown.
This is one of my favorite quotations on letting go of love because it’s true – sometimes it’s worse (in the long run) to try to get back together. Sometimes you need to keep forging ahead, and learn to survive heartbreak.
I wrote a book called 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love in 2010, and just updated it. I co-facilitate support groups for people coping with loss, and have learned so much about letting go of love. I want to share with you what I recently learned.
So many people are struggling with the same thoughts, heartache, and shattered dreams. It helps to know you’re not alone, doesn’t it?
How to Let Go of Someone You Love
Here are a few tips for letting go of love…
Remember both the good and the bad parts of the relationship
When you’ve lost someone you love, it’s easy to focus on the great parts of your relationship and life together. But, there was a reason you broke up — maybe even several reasons! Don’t ignore the “bad” parts of the relationship and idealize the best parts…instead, keep reminding yourself that you’re letting go of the past because holding on to it isn’t good for you.
Accept that your loss may always hurt or confuse you
Some things, we never ever get over — but we can still live full, rewarding lives and achieve our goals! Part of letting go of someone you love is accepthing that you may never have all the answers. For instance, my sister cut me out of her life five years ago. She told me she didn’t want to speak to me again and wouldn’t tell me why. That was the ultimate lesson in powerlessness and letting go…and that’s why I wrote Letting Go of Someone You Love.
Accept your lack of control over other people
No matter how “good”, smart, helpful, giving, or attractive you are, you can’t control other people. If they leave you, they have their reasons…and sometimes those reasons have nothing to do with you. The sooner you accept your lack of control, the easier it’ll be to let go of someone you love.
Rebuild yourself
Your losses, heartbreaks, setbacks, and disappointments have made you a different person — a better, more unique, more compassionate person! Instead of mourning what was or what could have been, start something new in your life. Think about what goals you should set for your life. Volunteer, take a solo vacation, join a new gym, take a night class, join a support group, check out a new social club, quit your job, and set new life goals. Rebuild your life — set new life goals.
Part of rebuilding yourself is focusing on your future. If you feel hopeless, read 5 Tips for Staying Hopeful.
Remember that letting go of love doesn’t happen overnight
Letting go of the past isn’t something you do once – and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy! Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days. I grew up in foster homes, and was constantly saying hello and good-bye to new families, friends, and cities. I learned how to love, let go, and open my heart to love again.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, my friend. Maybe you can’t see it yet, but you will soon.
Do you feel like you can’t move on? Read 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love.
If you’d rather focus on reconnecting, read How to Get Your Ex Back.
I can’t offer advice or counseling, but I do have one question:
If your relationship is as complicated and difficult as it sounds, why do you want to stay in it? I know how heartbreaking and difficult it is to let go of someone you love…but it’s a question of short-term pain versus long-term gain.
Do the work to heal and move forward now, and your future will be happier, lighter, and easier.
hi laurie,
Hoping this one reaches you my last one wasn’t detailed so I hope this one was able to be posted and the last one discarded. sorry for the inconvenience my fiance he left in july one day and didn’t say a word that he was going bak to n.y then two days call me as if he didn’t just up and leave. And he says he felt I needed space. It hurt of course cause if he felt I needed space why didn’t he talk to me before he left. So when he tried to come bak I wouldn’t let him cause I felt betrayed. I took all my anger out on him told him nah he can’t come bak cause that’s not love. Times we talked, times we didn’t talk and for 10months it continued like that. I would speak to him for weeks then not speak to him for weeks all the while he was saying he wasn’t with nobody and he wasn’t sleeping with nobody etc.. Then after I had our daughter snow last month. I felt ok he can come bak cause I feel he been still there for me so he must love me. He was so happy. Then days after that his baby momma write me says they been sleeping together and living together from dec – feb 2013. And that they been sleeping together since aug 2012. I was crushed. Then told him no we can not be!! She also said when she broke it off with him in feb. He was begging for her bak!! Wow.. Anyway he popped up on me last month flowers, balloons teddy bears etc.. He stayed about 2weeks but I couldn’t deal. So I asked him to leave, he begged etc.. But still I couldn’t do it cause he lied says he didn’t beg for her, etc.. I didn’t touch him the whole time and I made him sleep on the coach. He’s gone almost a month now still writes, texts, calls, send letters in the mail etc.. Still says he loves me and was confused and that he had feelings for her and yea he did infact beg for her bak but he never loved her! Smh now he wanna admit truth when he lied in my face!!!!! Idk what to think or believe or do. He says he loves me always have and he just was lost cause he thought he’d lost me . but yet we’ve been talking that who;e time yes going through it because soon as he left, i find out he gave me trich and hpv!! when i went for my ob chek up, i was devastated!! anyway his baby momma says he been taking it out on her, cussing her out all types of things.. But that dnt impress me or show me anything cause he still been with her, sleeping with her unprotected even after knowing he has hpv and gave it to me!!!!! And lying to me all them months like he love me so much saying he would do nun of that to me but he did. So now he keeps trying etc. But I dnt knw what to do or believe because how can someone say they love you but can go sleep with someone that fast and KEEP doing it!! And worse beg for them bak but say he was confused and love me..yet if he loved me why he left me pregnant and was able to still sleep with another knowing he’d just gave me std’s and i was so hurt by that alone!!?? I’m tired of all this and I want to continue my life and although I knw we all make mistakes and are human, I just feel some things aren’t mistakes!! He betrayed me lied kept lying and although I wouldn’t allow him to come right bak after he left, he still was talkn to me the whole time! like he wasn’t even doing nun, just to find out he was living a whole other life until he felt I’d say ok come back and it’s ok u gave me all these stds and left me pregnant and just proposed to me!!.. .. I cried so much but I rather cry than stay a fool. Or if I’m suppose to try and let it go and try.. Smh I just dnt knw what to do..and also I feel like he dnt get how hurt I am! The way he says things like ( what else you want me to do!!! I begged bought you things, ) yes that’s what he says to me.. And then that hurts more. Because I’m like wow are you serious!!! After all you did you say that to me like I should take him bak already! As if he doesn’t care about the pain, he just sees what he doing to get me bak. But how is that enough? Am I crazy or sum? Am I expecting too much? What is wrong with me? Was I suppose to take him bak cause he came all the way down here? He acts like by him coming to t.n that proves he loves me. But why should he get credit for that when his baby live here!!!!!!!! Smh..ughhh I dnt even knw what a man suppose to do to prove he sorry or that he love you after something like this. I just feel I dnt trust him, and he seem like he dnt knw what love is, and how do you go from beggn one girl to the next then say he’d a been dumped her if he knew I was gon take him bak.. She said she dnt believe he ever loved her, she says she feel he used her and that she done with him. But how do I look? I should feel special??? Cause I dnt.. i just hate this pain and he just seems ok. but claims he isn’t..
So true, letting go is the hardest part. I guess it’s not the person that is hard to let go, it’s all the feelings and the memories you’ve shared together. We just need to accept the facts that people come and go, what’s important is that we met them and learn from them to make us a better person.
Hello – I was married for 17 years to an abusive man. I finally left them and less than a year later I got married to another person. I found out he lied about having an extra wife i didn’t know about……….more children than I knew about…………He had no license, no car, he was pretty much “in need”. He has become abusive when we argue and this is something that I do NOT want to deal with again. It took me forever to leave the first relationship, but for some reason this one seems harder and we don’t even have any children together. I’m so confused. He keeps telling me that he has no where to go……..that I’m his best friend, etc. I do feel sorry for him, but I am slowly losing love for him and I really don’t think I am in love with him anymore…………
Dear Sad,
It really is devastating that your husband was having an affair for so long! It’s unfathomable, hard to believe, and shocking. My heart goes out to you.
I don’t know if he’s still lying to you, or if the affair is over. If your gut is telling you he’s lying, then…I think you need to trust your gut.
But, letting go of your husband is certainly easier said than done! I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Have you decided what you’re going to do?
I found out 2 yrs ago my husband of 20 yrs had been having a 3yr long affair with a co-worker. I say it was 3 yes because that’s as far back as I could prove it. It is certainly possible it was longer. I am devedtated! I never dreamed he would do something like that once…but to carry on for YEARS just is I fathomable. Now 2 yrs almost to the day (5/9/11) and it still seems unreal. I had so much faith and trust in him and to know he lied straight to my face on numerous occasions!! Ugh!! My reason for commenting is to ask.. What are the chances it’s just over like that?? He swears he has not spoken to her since but I don’t believe him. Things like that are not just over with that easy. They had to have spoken if for no other reason than to say goodbye but my husband says no way. But my gut tells me he’s lying!! What are the chances a long term relationship is over with no closure?? Really??
Dear Hurting,
I am sorry that you’re hurting. The pain of losing someone you love seems like it’ll kill you — I thought I’d die when I lost two of the most important people in my life! But I didn’t die. I slept alot, cried alot, and grieved alot.
And then I moved on. You asked me what I think you should do, and I think you should accept that your husband wants out of your marriage. I think you should focus on grieving and healing.
What do you think?
I’ve been married for almost 2 years and my husband told me he wanted out of the marriage. He says he doesn’t love me any more and hates is life with me. Our relationship as been rocky from the start. He comes with a lot of baggage: Baby mama drama, felonies is his background and mommas boy. We have been to counseling and things were getting better, he was counsel to cut ties with his mom because of how it affected our relationship. So he did, however it came the time he needed a ride from his mother and ever since they started communicating a lot more, we started falling apart again. He moved out about 3 weeks ago now. Can would text me for sexual favors, however I never accepted. I finally got a text from him stating not to contact him anymore and that the next time I heard anything from him was for the divorce he also stated he was going to find someone and move on. He stated I should do the same. I’m so hurt cause of all I did for this man from; Finding stable employment, get him out of jail, I never cheated, I helped him become a much better person inside and out. I just feel used, how can it be so easy for him get up leave? To tell me he will find someone soon? To tell me he hates is life with me? We’ve never even had a honeymoon because he can’t leave the county, I was a prisoner in my own home, all his restrictions I followed them as well. How can someone do this? I’m devasted!! what should I do?
Thank you, Jazz! I’m just starting my Quips and Tips/Bounce Back Babe newsletter. That’ll be the start of my online group, I think.
I appreciate your feedback, and hope we stay connected
Laurie,
Your words are full of hope and caring. Have you ever thought about forming an online group?
I recently updated my ebook about Letting Go of Someone You Love, because of my experience as a support group facilitator.
If you can find people who know how you feel, you may find it easier to move on and love again. There really is a lot to be said for being with people who have “been there, done that.”
Dear TN,
I understand what you’re going through. I really do. Some person has also put me through hell. But time will heal our wounds. I’m sure… just give it time, although now it may seem impossible. But I can guarantee you, you can move on. YES you can!