How to Let Go of Someone You Love
How Do You Let Go of Someone You Love?
Does the past have a firm, unhealthy hold on you? These tips for letting go of someone you love apply to all types of loss, from long ago and to yesterday.
Before the tips, a quip:
“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting them back together.” ~ Unknown.
This is one of my favorite quotations on letting go because it’s true – sometimes it’s worse (in the long run) to try to get back together. Sometimes you need to keep forging ahead, and learn to survive heartbreak.
Here are a few tips for letting go of someone you love…
How to Let Go of Someone You Love
In 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love, I share what I learned from my interviews with psychologists, life coaches, counselors, and grief experts on the best ways to cope with and heal from loss. If you feel hopeless and depressed, get that e-book. It’ll help you see that you’re not alone, and it’ll help you move on from the past.
Also, read the comments below. So many people are struggling with the same thoughts, heartache, and shattered dreams. It helps to know you’re not alone, doesn’t it?
Remember both the good and the bad parts of the relationship
When you’ve lost someone you love, it’s easy to focus on the great parts of your relationship and life together. But, there was a reason you broke up — maybe even several reasons! Don’t ignore the “bad” parts of the relationship and idealize the best parts…instead, keep reminding yourself that you’re letting go of the past because holding on to it isn’t good for you.
Accept that your loss may always hurt or confuse you
Some things, we never ever get over — but we can still live full, rewarding lives and achieve our goals! Part of letting go of someone you love is accepthing that you may never have all the answers. For instance, my sister cut me out of her life five years ago. She told me she didn’t want to speak to me again and wouldn’t tell me why. That was the ultimate lesson in powerlessness and letting go…and that’s why I wrote Letting Go of Someone You Love.
Accept your lack of control over other people
No matter how “good”, smart, helpful, giving, or attractive you are, you can’t control other people. If they leave you, they have their reasons…and sometimes those reasons have nothing to do with you. The sooner you accept your lack of control, the easier it’ll be to let go of someone you love.
Rebuild yourself
Your losses, heartbreaks, setbacks, and disappointments have made you a different person — a better, more unique, more compassionate person! Instead of mourning what was or what could have been, start something new in your life. Think about what goals you should set for your life. Volunteer, take a solo vacation, join a new gym, take a night class, join a support group, check out a new social club, quit your job, and set new life goals. Rebuild your life — set new life goals.
Remember that letting go of love doesn’t happen overnight
Letting go of the past isn’t something you do once – and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy! Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days. I grew up in foster homes, and was constantly saying hello and good-bye to new families, friends, and cities. I learned how to love, let go, and open my heart to love again. And I’ve survived those heart-wrenching, gut-twisting breakups that slam you to the ground and rip you to pieces. Letting go is a process that takes time.
The Psychology of Love
Sometimes sharing your story can help you heal and let go of someone you love. I welcome your comments below…
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Love & Relationships
Hye, i have some problem. Ok, i never get in this situation before. I’m 16 years old and never love anybody before. There is someone( my classmate, and i call him Shin). I never though that i love him before. But, when i saw his ex-Gf, i’m really jealous.. First, we just being friend. And, all my classmate wish us to be a couple. Everyday he always bother me, and make me not satisfy. But, when he stop bother me, i feel lonely. And then i realize that i started to like him. when i started to like him, my friend said to me to never give attention to him because he just playing around with me. I’m really sad and hurt. After that, it’s holiday and i try to forget about him. But it’s to difficult because he just sit beside me. I try to avoid but i can’t. When i know he just playing around with me, he never bother me again. But, my friend say again to me that he also loves me. He is shy to me. When he talk with me, he never see my face. That’s make me wonder. But from now, i want to forget about him. I wan’t to give up. But, i’m too weak. I just need some help from u.. HEHEHE
I cannot seem to let go. My wife of 5 years and I have been through alot since being married. We wanted to start a family so much and went through invitro in which are dreams came true…but a short time after getting the great news, my wife miscarried. It was devastating. My wife has become very withdrawn and totally isolated without speaking to anyone. She doesn’t eat properly and has lost weight. All she does from the time she wakes up until the time she goes to bed is sit on her laptop. We both have tried to sit down and talk but this didn’t get anywhere. I know I play a part as I also have been ignoring her. This has pulled us apart. We both have been very critical of each other and have started arguements for no reason. Our sex life , which was great, has not been the same. I am confused as I have tried, which now I see was not really my best effort. The day came and I still remember it, May 6th 2011. I had finished cutting the grass and came inside. My wife asked me if I would cook a certian food later for dinner and I said yes. I then went inside to shower and upon coming out she said those words ” can we talk” she said she was sorry but felt we needed to seperate and that it would be a good idea for me to leave for a short time so both of us could sort through our feelings. Wow was I shocked. I explianed I did not wish to go and asked her for her reasons. She did not respond. I did pack and she said she was truly sorry and that it should not be that long as she needed to sort through things. She asked not to be contacted either phone or email. This bothered me as communication in my part is key. She was falling aprt and I couldn’t help. I left that day and since then a few days later she said she did not know if she was “In Love” but she did say she loved me? she also said she thinks she is done and does not wish to be married anymore. I am floored by this as just three months earlier she wrote the most beautiful heartfelt loving note. We malso had the words “whatever it takes” engraved inside our wedding rings last year as she requested instead of gifts. She made me promise to her that I would fight and do whatever it takes and I the same of her. But 1 year later this happens and I cannot even get my feelings out as she does not care. She will email me maybe every two weeks as she doesn’t work so she still needs money to pay the bills and for expenses. When she does email it is very cold and business like. She won’t listen to my request for us to sit down. She has mentioned divorce in the begining but since she has just requested for me to request her boundary of no contact as she is still confused. This is killing me as I love her very much but I can’t just sit idle either and wait. She still does not leave the house and is addicted to her computer as she has been chatting for quite some time with a female friend and this has just become worse. HELP PLEASE as I just feel if she would open her eyes to this we had something great and could have something even better
Dear Anita,
I think it’s so interesting that you posted your comment on an article called “How to Let Go of Someone You Love”!
I also think you know what you should do, but you’re reluctant to do it. And I don’t blame you. It’s exciting to be in love, to get married, to unite our lives with someone.
But I think he’s the wrong man, and that you’ll regret it if you marry him.
Here’s an article I wrote for you:
How to Know if You Should Marry the Guy You’re Engaged to
I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts there or here.
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear Jason,
Thanks for sharing your story. I think you’re being a bit idealistic and romantic about the woman you had the affair with. She’s becoming some paragon of love, beauty, romance, and perfection — but if you were married to her for 14 years, you’d probably feel about her the way you feel about your wife!
We tend to idealize what we can’t have, and we get tired of being married. Marriage is hard, and it takes a lot of work to stay close and intimate. It’s not the throes of passionate love, which is where you are now.
But, trust me, the woman you had the affair with isn’t the answer.
I wrote this article for you:
How to Revive a Stale Marriage – 4 Tips for Love Gone Cold
I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts here or there.
Blessings,
Laurie
My fiance and I are due to get married in 5 weeks as he is here on an engagement visa which means we have to be married by the 2nd Sept or the visa expires and he has to leave. Our problem is that we can’t seem to get on the same page in life. We are both 37 and I want a family but he still is unsure if he wants one. We love each other very much but we constantly battle over this issue. It’s is a tortured, tormented love. He wants me to say I will marry him with the possibility of giving up my dream of having a family. Which I know I will resent him for. I want him to say he loves me enough to have one with me. Should we let each other go and never see each other again? or continue on knowing that one of us may be unhappy down the track?
I have been involved in a affair for nearly 9mths fresh and ended it about 6 weeks ago. I am the married man that found love with someone else who is nearly half my age. I was 39 and she was 20 when we met. At first I never thought much about how long things last, but found myself falling in love with this person and in the process fulfilling things that were missing in my marriage. Something I was not prepared for. I have been married for 14 yrs and have grown apart from my wife. We don’t hate each other or have any abusiveness going on, we just became stale in our love and intimacy. Something I don’t know if will ever be restored after my betrayal. See I ended things with this other person to try and sort things our for myself and maybe see if there was something left in the tank with my marriage. I still love this other person and cant stop thinking about her. I think about her in my dreams, morning, day and night. I think about the good and bad. I have tried to use the bad to get over her but its not working to well. Doubt creeps in my mind and can’t let her go or the love I have for her.
I feel like my body is dying, that there really isn’t any point in going on. He hurt me time and time again, but I love him, and I just don’t know how to let him go. I don’t know how to cope with the fact that I will never get to hear a certain way he did his voice in just for me, or hear him tell me he loves me, or wake up with him first thing in the morning. I don’t know how to lose him forever, when I love him with all my heart. It has been almost 2 years now and I still feel exactly the same, we were in out relationship for 3 1/2 years, my high school sweetheart. He wants to be friends, but I don’t know how to be “just friends” with someone I love that much. I wish I didn’t love him so much, it would make it so much easier on me. I wish I could just let go…
Dear Isabelle,
I don’t know what’s going through his mind, but I do have some tips on letting go!
How to Stop Loving a Man Who Lies, Cheats, and Steals
Your ex may not have stolen or cheated, but the tips may help you let go…
I welcome your thoughts, there or here.
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear Courtney,
I really admire how far you’ve come! You’re recognizing your mistakes – your tendency to pick the wrong guy. And, you’re looking at the source of your problems (the decisions you made).
Not giving up on love sounds admirable, but I think it’s putting yourself last and not seeing the reality of the situation. I’m glad you’re letting him go….and sorry you’re devastated. Heartache hurts so bad.
I wrote this article for you:
Reasons You Keep Choosing the Wrong Man – and How to Stop
I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts there or here.
Blessings,
Laurie
I’ve been in an unhealthy relationship for over a year and a half now. Actually, to be truthful, lve been in a string of unhealthy relationships ever since I was 15. We both know it’s unhealthy, and we are LITERALLY killing each other trying to work things out. Last night, after he told me he was considering suicide I had to make the decision to let him go. We’ve been broken up for a month or so(for the 4th time) and during our split, we both seen other people. I was honest and upfront about it when he decided he wanted to work on things. He lied and cheated to get revenge. STILL, after all that, and a multitude of seriously disturbing arguments, I told him I’m not giving up, I love him too much and he’d have to turn me away if he wanted to get rid of me. But after seeing his condition last night and realizing he was holding on to me because I loved HIM, not because he loved me, I have to let him go so he can get healthy. I’m devastated. I want nothing more than to be with him forever and finally realizing that the reason he mistreated me and couldn’t commit was because he didn’t love me leaves me wondering why? And what’s wrong with me? Especially because this is what happened with my last relationship with my sons father who I was with for 5 years. I’m starting to think I’m “unlovable”. I see happy couples and friends who are getting engaged and married and I just want to know “why not me”? What’s so wrong with me that someone can’t love me that much? I would like to know how I can learn to be happy being alone and how to have my guard up next time. Every relationship I give 100% of my heart and I want to learn how to protect myself from this happening again. It’s not good for my self-esteem, and I’m too embarrassed and ashamed to even admit what it’s done to my son. What if he comes back again when he’s healthy? How would I know he’s genuine?. Someone PLEASE help!!!
Hey, your advice is great… Now I need to put it to work. I recently got out of a relationship that lasted 2 years. The guy lied to me about multiple things, not just little white lies but big ones that make me wonder… What was going threw his mind? I left him but even if he lied to me, I still want him back. What can I do to stop it from hurting??
hurts…
Dear Samantha and Winnie,
Where and how do you start healing and letting go of someone you love? You try different things until you find what works for you. Maybe counseling will help, or maybe you just need to do something different, such as changing your life — perhaps by moving to a different city, traveling, or getting individual counseling.
Some people find physical spa treatments helpful, or alternative therapies such as reiki or energy healing.
There are SO many ways to get healthy and move on! The trick is to find what works for you.
I wrote an ebook to help people let go after a breakup, called Letting Go of Someone You Love: 75 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart and Let Go of the Past. It contains tips and advice for moving on after a breakup, from life coaches, counselors, psychologists, and people who have survived breakups.
I hope it helps, and wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
I DONT KNOW WHAT 2 DO,IVE NEVER BEEN N A SITUATION LIKE THIS B4!HE CHEATED ON ME WITH ANOTHER WOMAN MOVED N WITH HER,MY SO CALLED FRIENDS KNEW AND NEVER SAID ANYTHING NOT EVEN LITTLE HINTS NOR CLUES!IT TOOK ME AYEAR 2 FIND OUT,AND THATS ONLY BCAUSE I HAD A GUTT FEELING THAT SOMETHING WAS WRONG!BY THIS TIME I WAS SO N LOVE I REALLY DID’NT CARE THAT HE DID ME DIRTY, I JUST COULD’NT AND CANT LET GO.I KEEP LEAVING,BUT I KEEP COMMING BAC!EMOTIONALLY HE TREATS ME LIKE(SHIT)HE HAS NO REGUARDS 4 MY FEELINGS.HE’S STILL WITH THE WOMAN AND NOW HE’S BEEN CHEATING ON HER WITH ME 4 ALITTLE MORE THAN 2 YEARS!I KNOW THIS IS WRONG BUT I LOVE HIM SO AND I JUST CANT LET GO!(PLEAS HELP)
Hi iv dated this guy for 2years and we had our ups and downs but we could solve our issues, then last year April he ended things reasons are the distance between us,funny we’ve survived the distance for 2years, and he says
” i derserv better, someone whose going to be there for me daily yet i yean for him,then he told me he loves me so much that he doesnt want to hurt me but by ending things he torn my heart apart,i tried moving on but when ever someone mentions his name it takes me back,i call me,send him messages yet it doesnt help please i need to move on, course its clear he has.
Thanks for your comments, Syd. My sister and I were in foster homes, and I left Canada to teach in Africa for three years…and I think those things had something to do with it. She started to pull away while I was in Africa.
And yes, it’s probably easier for her to let me take the burden of guilt, responsibility, etc, instead of looking at her own role. Heavy stuff.
I appreciate your feedback!
Blessings,
Laurie
Another fantastic article, Laurie!
Yes, this one is a hard one. I’m so sorry about your sister. I can only imagine how painful that must have been, particularly not knowing why she choose to walk away.
You are so right, sometimes the hardest part is accepting that you’ll never understand what went wrong. I’ve learned that some people would rather have you spend the rest of your life thinking it was your fault than admitting that the reasons for the relationship not working didn’t have anything to do with you at all.
I’ve been guilty of thinking that if I try enough, love enough, accept enough, wait enough, forgive enough, analyze enough, or compromise enough that things will work out. That’s not love… it’s co-dependence. It’s not healthy and it doesn’t work.
Thanks for the tips.
Dear Peg and Ada,
Don’t lose hope! You CAN find happiness in a new relationship – but you have to take action.
These articles may help, and in these articles are links to other articles to help:
Trapped in Your Relationship? How to Stop Feeling Helpless
Can’t Move On From Ex Relationship? 5 Reasons We Hold On
Blessings,
Laurie
I’m in a hateful relationship & I so want to end it.He’s controlling,self centered,selfish,untruthful,uncaring,alcoholic,distrustful,liar,loud,hyper ,impatient,wants everything his way,cheater,insensitive,pessimistic,uncorperative,ignorant,cold,ungiving..etc. I could go on forever.Please Help me before……no I’m a christian just help me????
It’s been 6 years divorced. Neither have remarried. He made me crazy married, controlling and jealous. Yet apart, I miss him and that we fell apart. He makes me crazy still, wants me back, then acts mad..and we run away from each other..I just can’t explain it. What to do, our timing is always off and he is a stubborn mule.
Dear Brad ~ I’m sorry to hear that your wife left. I’m glad these tips for letting go helped a bit, and wish you all the best. To healing and happiness!
Dear Jade ~ I wrote an article for you:
How to Stop Loving Someone From Your Past and Move On
I hope it helps. Let me know if I can write an article for you about raising your self-esteem and self-confidence after a breakup…I’d be happy to do it.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi, some good tips here, i only wish i had the strength to let go, i am 24 cant find a way too let go of past relationships,infact i find it hard to let go of anything and its so hard and frustrating because i feel like the whole of the world has moved on without me i was with my first love for 3years and it took me 2 years to get over her and meet someone new,well i thought i was over her but im actually not, if i see her i could burst out crying because the pain and sorrow i feel is like it was the day she left me,i just dont know how to let go and its been 5years since we split, she doesnt even acknowledge me and i feel like she hates me, how can love turn to hate, or turn to nothing???, i text her today and asked her why she ignors me or hates me, she said i am nothing to her but a stranger, ouch ;(
i feel worthless. i met someone new back in april last year and she also left me for my friend and broke my heart, i think about her everyday and the thought of her not loving me tears me apart, please help me. I dont know how to move on and let go, i feel like no one will ever love or want me again, not even sure if i want them to because they all leave me in the end.These 2 girls have been the only people in the world that i felt truely loved me. 
please help me
I think your article is great. I have to let my wife go. It had been very painful for me to lose her, and especially since we have a 5yo daughter together. I’m not quite sure why it’s so hard for me to let her go, even after a year now. She’s been really mean to try to make it easier for me lol. I know its not really her though. She just needs what she needs. I know I need to focus on the future and a new relationship. I know I need to forget about her. I find that focusing on goals helps, so I think that’s good advice too.
Thanks for your comment, Artie. I agree that it takes time to heal after you’ve lost someone you love. But I do think there are things you can do to make letting go easier – which is what my ebook is all about
There’s nothing you can do to let go of someone yo love. It just takes time for your heart to heal, but it will eventually get better. Why do people try to get over something that is natural?