How to Let Go of Someone You Love
How Do You Let Go of Someone You Love?
Does the past have a firm, unhealthy hold on you? These tips for letting go of someone you love apply to all types of loss, from long ago and to yesterday.
Before the tips, a quip:
“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting them back together.” ~ Unknown.
This is one of my favorite quotations on letting go because it’s true – sometimes it’s worse (in the long run) to try to get back together. Sometimes you need to keep forging ahead, and learn to survive heartbreak.
Here are a few tips for letting go of someone you love…
How to Let Go of Someone You Love
In 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love, I share what I learned from my interviews with psychologists, life coaches, counselors, and grief experts on the best ways to cope with and heal from loss. If you feel hopeless and depressed, get that e-book. It’ll help you see that you’re not alone, and it’ll help you move on from the past.
Also, read the comments below. So many people are struggling with the same thoughts, heartache, and shattered dreams. It helps to know you’re not alone, doesn’t it?
Remember both the good and the bad parts of the relationship
When you’ve lost someone you love, it’s easy to focus on the great parts of your relationship and life together. But, there was a reason you broke up — maybe even several reasons! Don’t ignore the “bad” parts of the relationship and idealize the best parts…instead, keep reminding yourself that you’re letting go of the past because holding on to it isn’t good for you.
Accept that your loss may always hurt or confuse you
Some things, we never ever get over — but we can still live full, rewarding lives and achieve our goals! Part of letting go of someone you love is accepthing that you may never have all the answers. For instance, my sister cut me out of her life five years ago. She told me she didn’t want to speak to me again and wouldn’t tell me why. That was the ultimate lesson in powerlessness and letting go…and that’s why I wrote Letting Go of Someone You Love.
Accept your lack of control over other people
No matter how “good”, smart, helpful, giving, or attractive you are, you can’t control other people. If they leave you, they have their reasons…and sometimes those reasons have nothing to do with you. The sooner you accept your lack of control, the easier it’ll be to let go of someone you love.
Rebuild yourself
Your losses, heartbreaks, setbacks, and disappointments have made you a different person — a better, more unique, more compassionate person! Instead of mourning what was or what could have been, start something new in your life. Think about what goals you should set for your life. Volunteer, take a solo vacation, join a new gym, take a night class, join a support group, check out a new social club, quit your job, and set new life goals. Rebuild your life — set new life goals.
Remember that letting go of love doesn’t happen overnight
Letting go of the past isn’t something you do once – and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy! Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days. I grew up in foster homes, and was constantly saying hello and good-bye to new families, friends, and cities. I learned how to love, let go, and open my heart to love again. And I’ve survived those heart-wrenching, gut-twisting breakups that slam you to the ground and rip you to pieces. Letting go is a process that takes time.
The Psychology of Love
Sometimes sharing your story can help you heal and let go of someone you love. I welcome your comments below…
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Love & Relationships
Hello Justin,
While I don’t have all the answers (or ANY answers, really!), I did give you a few things to think about in this article:
Should I Start a Relationship With Someone Who is Leaving the Country?
Other readers, if you have suggestions for him, please chime in!
All good things,
Laurie
There’s this girl I met, someone hooked us up. When I first saw her I was just star-struck…and I’m almost positive she had the same feeling. I asked her out shortly after, things were going ok. Her family gets major health issues, some cancer related. She gets diagnosed with clinical depression, and I ask her if she still wants a part of the relationship because she kept forgetting all the important days like it meant nothing to her. She says it wasn’t fair to me how she’s been, and says no…so we then…broke up. Now, months later, it seems her depression has faded, she’s hit some serious fitness and lost 20lbs for her career in the Airforce. It’s very difficult to believe that we can be…because every time we try to meet up just as friends, something, somehow, or someone always prevents us. It’s been that way for the past 4 months straight. I WANT to ask her if she wants to try again…but I know this is going to end in disaster….I mean this is the very FIRST girl that I ever felt this genuine about….I mean what I feel is nothing but utmost honesty and purity…and I know that if I do ask her back…and she accepts, what becomes of her…? She’s going to the Airforce, and if I tell her how I feel, she’ll be sitting there in basic with my stupid words running in her head making her nuts. I can’t do that to her…and who knows when we’ll even see each other again…? Some have told me to stop trying to see her for the sake of love, and see her as just friends, that maybe God is preventing me from seeing her because of that…but I just don’t know how…
I am having a hard time letting go also. i met this guy in 2007 and i fell in love with him the first time we met. his name is sean. we dated for about a year. then i found out he cheated on me with this girl that he is currently with. for some odd reason i am still think about him alot. i wish i didnt becasue i am married and i am happy just dont think i am as happy as i was with sean. i am just so confused about it all. i tried talkin to him and he just wont..i want to know wat happened. why did he do this. wat i did wrong so maybe i could fix for the next person. like i said i am married now and have a beautiful lil girl who is my life.. she is wat keeps me going and i love my husband but it seems all we ever do is argue. i hate it. i dont know wat to do i want to let my love for my ex go..i want to be free cuz he is nothing but a lying cheating jerk and i know he isnt good for me but something is just making hang on to him. i think its becasue when we first started dating he was just soo amazing. never felt that so much love ever..sean was a great guy until he got sent to the nut house. i mean i even saved his life. he was tryin to overdose on pills and i got to him before he could do it all the way..the emts told me he was lucky cuz it was a seizure medication he was tryin to overdose on and it could have killed him. i got him out the pysc ward and after that we went down hill and i dont understand why. he was tellin me he loved me and we were engaged and then i find pictures with him and rily and i freaked. all i ever did was love sean and i didnt understand wat i did to make him hate me and to hurt me like that. so like i said i want to let him go but i am having a hard time. please i will take any suggestions. i need help. please help me…Thank you Andrea
Atom, I had same problem as You have. It was so bad it put my whole life on hold for two years. What You need is good friends to preoccupy You in your free time, good parties and meeting new people. But in the end some intimacy helps very much, if you have problem with misleading other women then go to a pro.
Hi there Laurie,
A lot has happened in a year, since we last communicated. It seems that many people have cottoned onto your wonderful offerings of witty tips.
In the end, I amputated and moved overseas to setup Company. New challenges, purpose and focus! Still a long way to go, to get to where what is right for inside myself again. Importantly though, on track and with good support.
Along the way though, damage and loss inevitably happens. Control is always a grey area. But there is always a chance for new beginnings, even if it is to gain ‘piece of mind’. More importantly is to focus on number one, and hope that the greater good and objective support can assist others in greater need.
Have learnt to appreciate that life is too short; that we are all just human; and, that the world really is too big a place full of good people to be caught on just one.
Merry Xmas and Happy New Year for 2011!
Best, AE
Hey,
don’t know where to start from as i am very lost as what to say or ask. i so very much hope u pardon me for taking ur time, would like to thank u in advance & of course ask u kindly to help me with my situation here…which i didn’t share to no one but mom & which, so unluckily, she find not worth talking about no more
so let’s see, three yrs buck i meet a person who use to be my instructor & fortunately we in away end up being good friends. yet in time, as you can image, i fall in love. i must admit he was someone worth to be loved – so kind hearted, smart minded, very clam … anyhow after two years of dilemma: as either to tell him or not of my love for him i settle on saying it out (bcs it was hurting a lot to live with great deal of hidden love) & now, so very unfortunately, it’s a decision i regret so much bcs afterwards we drifted apart. i was ashamed as he responded so calmly & not in such a positive way so i kept my distance. it has been four months now but i still miss him a lot, i still wonder how he has been doin? what he w’l be thinking of me & staffs … & above all i still want not to give up on him. u know @ the age of 22 he’s the 1st & only man i have ever been in love with & the only man i want to be with still.
so now can you please please tell me is there’s anyway to make him love me all over again? make him keep on commenting those good sayings he use to be saying about me? make him see that i am that great girl he use to find unique & rational? make him need me & love me the way i do? … should i be calling him & ask him to hung out or should i keep on ignoring him and acting as if i already moved on & have no thought about him no more???? if so, this lies – denying the powerful & strong love i still have for him is hurting me much. is there any way to get out of that? i have no real friends or no one i could talk to or ask this advise for, am so lost sooooooo…. please please please help me out?
thank you
adoring
I have been married for 17yrs, i have always loved my husband but i find it difficult to show affection.
we recently went to the maldives and he decided that i didn’t love him cos i left him on his own.
he now says that he hasn’t nothing left to give me and he is a different person. i miss him so much and i have been to therapy to open up my feelings and stop my nervousness of rejection. Our relationship had one major flaw – communication we never really argued and we were both afraid the other one would leave so neither said our true feelings.
i feel so lost and all i can think about is getting back with him and having his children.
he says he still cares for me but nothing else, can this book really help see thru this?
I met the girl of my dreams 4 years ago. She was 21 and I was 26. We worked together at a previous job, but never really hit it off. I went back to a job that I had before and met a mutual friend that new her. I randomly called her from his phone on her 21st birthday and met her at a bar during the day. We hit it off immediately. She was very attracted to me and I thought she was a cool girl. I wasn’t looking for anything at the time and she probably wasn’t either. She talked to this mutual friend about me all the time and we always seemed to find each other in the same environment. She was very persistant and over time I started to fall for her. I couldn’t believe this girl was so in to me and showing me so much attention. She moved out of her roommates house and got an apt of her own. That didn’t work out because she partied way to much. We both did. She ended up moving back to her moms, which was an hour away. She would drive an hour just to spend the night with me. I couldn’t believe it. 3 months later I asked her to move in with me. We took trips together, partied, shared our deepest feelings and completed each others sentences. We felt like soul mates and unbreakable. All of our friend were so jealous. 2 year into the relationship i got a restaurant manager job and had the opportunity to move to another city an hour away from where we lived. She moved with me and we got a nice place in Tulsa. Everything seemed to be okay until about 3 or 4 months ago. I just felt tention and it made me feel unhappy. She is a terrible communicator so anything i could try and change to make things better were unknown to me. I admit i could have been better. Its almost as if we got comfortable. In fights i would tell her i wasn’t happy anymore and she needed to move out. I never meant it, but it would push her buttons. About 3 months ago she got this waitress job on the trendy side of town and it seems thats when everything went down hill. I would give her silent treatment, she wouldn’t come home or feel obligated to come home and it caused problems. She is 25 now and im 30. I feel as if she just doesn’t want to feel tied down. She said she needed space and moved out to better our relationship. It’s so hard for me to understand. After 4 years, how could she just move out? Why couldn’t she communicate with me and we could get through this. I came out as controlling because i always shared my feelings. She moved out about a month 1/2 ago and we have tried to talk and make things work, but everything just feels so broken. All i can do is think of her and all the memories we had together. All our friend and family always asked when we were getting married. I feel as if not asking her was the biggest mistake of my life. I guess i was just scared. I try so hard not to reach out to her, but its so hard. I miss her so much. How can this be so easy for her? Why can’t we make this work? I have no answers. All my friends and family are an hour and a half away. Im so alone and feel like i have no one. I feel rejected and like i’ve failed. I just don’t know what to do or how to move on. I thought we would be together forever. Sorry this is so long. Any advice?
I am a 31 year old man who is facing oe of the most difficult descisions of my adult life and it is tearing me apart. I feel like I am losing a part of myself (a woman) that makes me more happy/comfortable in my own skin than I’ve ever felt in my life. It’s a long story but I’ll try to keep it pithy, and try my best to not let this get tangential.
Just before I turned 28, I randomly met the most amazing person I’ve ever known. We hit it off immediately and for a guy who has faced nothing but rejection from the opposite sex (last girlfriend I had- I was 18), had a seemingly endless bout with self-destruction because I felt useless and I hated myself more than you can imagine. I thought there was something wrong with me that made me unappealing to the opposite sex, despite the constant support of my female friends I could not ever get past it.
She had just recently gotten out of a long relationship and was moving out of state, so there was no chance of us being more than just casual friends/lovers. The thought of never seeing her again was terrifying, I did not want to lose her and the way she made me feel…I thought I could rule the world with little effort. I’ve never had so much self-confidence in my life, and everyone who knew me noticed a serious change in me immediately. She moved away on my 28th birthday a few months after we met, and I was paralyzed by the thought of never being able to replace that feeling. We kept in touch online over the next year or so, despite my attempts to just let it go. I’ve tried to explain to her how I feel time and time again, and my words get construed and things never seemed to come out right. She’d get defensive and take the blame and try to pull away but I kept reminding her she wasn’t doing anything intentionally to hurt me, so I didn’t make her responsible for the way I felt. Despite the way we were together, she made it known she did not feel the same way I did, and this was not a total surprise to me. She’s undoubtedly one of the most intelligent, talented, attractive women I’ve ever met so I would have to have been a fool to think she’d want to be with me on the same level. I lived in VT and she was in NH saving to move out to CA to go to cosmetology school. I went out there one weekend to visit for the night, originally to see a concert in Boston, but that got conceled so I stayed the night anyhow. It was difficult for me to endure other guys hitting on her while we were out, as she is the type of person who does not have any lack of attention from men. I had myself convinced I’d failed the ‘platonic test’ I was expecting the visit to be, as the physicality between us I had decided to put a halt on. The three-hour drive back home to VT was, for lack of a better term- excruciating. I tried to say goodbye, accepting that this may very well be the last time I ever see her, but she cut me off and said she’d be back to visit once more before she left for the west coast. I never heard from her despite a few times she came back up to VT, most due to the fact she was seeing someone and it was relatively serious. I figured since she had a boyfriend there was no room for me in her life, and I accepted that, no matter how much it hurt. About a year later, I found her on Facebook, and re-connected, much to my surprise, she had moved to CA and begun her life on the west coast, unbeknownst to me. She had a boyfriend out there, and I avoided her profile like the plague because seeing pictures of them made me feel like I was having my insides shoveled out. I’ve never been a jealous person, and this was quite the unwanted feeling, so I did my best to distance myself from it all. She would occasionaly, every month or so, text/message me asking me when I was moving out west, as I had planned to attend art school out there. I debated whether or not to even bother trying to keep our friendship or whatever alive because I had such a difficult time dealing with her being with other men. I had hoped that we might be able to see each other more often when I had moved, but I didn’t know if holding on to hope was a good idea or not, being a guy who is constantly facing disappointment. After another failed attempt to express my feeling o the matter, I pushed her away and it wasn’t long before the guilt and regret started to eat away at me from the inside. I contacted her and made for a better explaination and we reconciled. This was early this year. I had found myself a good job that would allow me to make a good amount of money to save for school and my move out west. One night on my break we chatted online and she expressed how she hoped to see me again in the near future, and I told her I made enough and could make that actually happen. Last month I had a plane ticket to go spend the weekend with her and was more than excited about the impending trip. A little more than a week before I was to leave, something online aroused a certain amount of apprehension about the trip so I asked her if it was not a good time for me to come visit. She spoke of the relationship she was in prior to her move and how, despite her best efforts, it did not work out. This was devastating for her, as she had put a lot of herself out there for this guy who seemed to be caring less about her. Our past considered this upset me to know this. I got really angry and told her how it seemed like my feeling meant nothing and it hurt that she was putting this in my face, like she had no idea that the over-share would cause me so much pain. She reitterated that she had no intention of being more than friends with me but didn’t want to hurt me and felt there was no happy middle ground. She also told me to not bother flying out to CA to visit her. To say I was devastated is a violent understatement. She proceeded to send me three very long messages about what she’s going through and how it relates to us, and that she doesn’t feel that she needs to walk on eggshells around me or filter what she says or does because she had a new life and I was visiting for several days. I pulled myself together and finally expressed my feelings in a way that seemed to reach her. I told her I wasn’t unsympathetic to her situation, but that when something urts her- it hurts me too. That all I ever wanted as for her to be a part of my life, and me hers. She retracted her previous retraction of my visit and told me she wanted me to come out for the weekend. We spoke on the phone a few nights later, just to plan for my arrival. I got on that plane with a lot of nervous aprehension, but as soon as we left the ground I knew I was going to have a great weekend as I was tranquilized with an overwhelming sense of optimism. I wasn’t there for more than an hour when she offered to take a week off in June when she had finished school so I could come out to visit when she didn’t have so much going on. I took this as a good sign that things were back to being awesome bewteeen us, although it seemed a little presumptuaous of her to make plans so far ahead. I could only imagine by then she’d be with someone and my trip would have to be called off. It was asking a huge comittment of me, and I was torn. I very muchwanted this to happen, and still do. The second night I was out there, I spilled my guts as I had planned to if I ever had the chance. I told her I feared my feelings for her made it so difficult to be just friends with her, I was afraid that I couldn’t be the friend she needed. I told her how much she meant to me and that I didn’t know what I would do if anything happened to her, et cetera. I didn’t go as far as telling her I loved her, as I can’t say those words to someone who can’t reciporicate. She responded by telling me she had no idea she meant that much to me, or anyone, for that matter. That I wasn’t ‘exactly a diffcult person to love’. It felt great to finally get feelings I had been harboring for years out finally, and to not an exactly terrible reaction. The rest of my visit went well, and she ended more than a few sentances with the words ‘next time’. Needless to say, the flights home were not easy. When I did arrive back home to VT, I felt like a huge wieght had been taken off my shoulders, but at the same time, I felt that I missed her much more than before, now having physical experience with the 3,000 miles between us. Between school and a not-so awesome low-paying job, she has a hard time making ends meet. I left her some money stashed in her room the morning I left, which was a small amout to me, and I wanted to help her out. I would’ve kicked myself endlessly had I not done this. She said I didn’t need to do that, but was very greatful and told me I had some mail coming in time for Christmas (I hope it’s artwork). While I have tried being with other women since we’ve met, it has not worked out and I always feel like I’m forcing myself into something I can’t pull off. At the same time, I can’t bear to hear much of her discontent about her ex and how she’s hanging out with him and his new girlfriend, as they share the same circle of friends and it’s pretty much unavoidable. I want to be there for her, but I can’t sit there and listen to these guys who dump her, ytaking into consideration how I feel about her. I am starting to think this is spiraling out of control and I can’t do this anylonger. I love her more than I’ve ever loved anything, and while it’s hard for me to find people I really connect with, I don’t think this friendship is ever going to be anything more than latent pain waiting in the wings to drop down and crush me. I don’t want to turn my back on her and hurt her, but I don’t know what else to do. I’ve never felt so lost in my life, and that’s saying something profound for a guy with the life I’ve had. I don’t think being friends will ever be enough for me and I don’t think she undertsands that she has my heart on a string, and it just seems like she doesn’t know what she wants. Whethe I go back out to see her this following summer or not, I don’t know. Right now I’d accept never seeing her again, so long as I know she’s happy. Despite the fact that hurts like hell to swallow. I’m not opposed to meeting new people, but I feel like meeting ssomeone I care for half as much as her, just to lose them too, after everything, is much, much more than I could ever bear to endure again.
I should add a couple of things… I am living in a new country and feeling the lack of support network and a lot of loneliness! Also he is not happy at all in his marriage but feels trapped because of the baby…. he said he needs a year but I feel this is keeping his options open and hurts me so much…..
I have been very close friends with a guy for around 3 years and I met him through work. For the first year I didn’t even know he was married and was never attracted to him like that. I knew he had something for me though but our friendship was awesome. He is one of the most lovely men I have ever met.
In April this year I realised I had fallen in love with him and he felt the same but we (for a short moment) decided to not go there as he had a baby due in August this year. He has been unhappy in his marriage for years and years and the baby was a mistake. Anyway we had an affair for around 4 months and I know we both love each other very much and he is not a guy who does this. I had planned to move overseas indefinitely a year before and still moved (BIG move) and told him that it was a blessing I had this. I still love him though but told him to work out what he wanted as I didn’t want to continue with the affair.
I am finding it so hard to move on and I know he has a choice to be with me if he wants to and stop lying to his wife and family. He told me he takes months to make life decisions but he is keeping me in limbo by saying things like I have to stay for now…. He has now completely blocked me out but we have many mutual friends and this has proved hard.
I have now lost a lover and a friend and beside myself.
Help as I want to move on from this!
Hi,
I saw this guy in Nov 2005 and i fallen in love at first sight..by then he had a girlfriend but not in good terms,they broke later.
After nine month since I know him he went away for studies since then has never come back for good.
I Love him so much but he is on and off..thre was a time he told me to move on as he is not going to marry me and I should not waste my time waiting for him..but honestly I cant let him go and I cant love anybody else like him he is my World..for more than a Month now he is quiet no Sms no Chatting no calls no emails i dont know whether he is busy or he is just ignoring me and I dont want to ask him coz I have done that so many times.
I dont know what to do to let him go and I beleive he is my Husband to be with no apparent reason.
I feel depressed,i have never spent time with him even when he was here rather we are just communicating via electronics.
Some advice please I love my slef i want to be happy again as I have never been happy since I knew this guy.
Trust me when I say can I find love somebody with a disability. Like me!
can someone tell me what to do? cause i’m confuse and i want to feel better im stressing it alot and i don’t want ot feel like that
i been in this relationship for 2 1/2, he left me because he wants to forget about me. i don’t know what to? do to let go, we love each other, but just keep arguin. we try almost everything to work things out, but he gave up what should i do? so i could feel that way cause i dont believe i’m ready and he saids he still loves me.
Dear Lisa,
Thanks for your feedback — I appreciate it!
I’m sorry that you feel disappointed, but I can’t give serious “Dear Abby” online support here. I’m a writer and blogger, not a counselor or life coach. This is a blog for people to read life tips, to share their stories, and hopefully even to help each other out, not to get counseling or advice. I put my little disclaimer at the end of my articles, to tell readers that I can’t give advice.
Plus — if I gave life advice, people may take what I say the wrong way, or misunderstand what I mean. I think giving personal advice online can be damaging, especially since I’m not trained as a psychologist or counselor, and I don’t know person’s full story!
So, though I wish I could help everyone who writes in, I just can’t.
Sincerely,
Laurie
LAURIE please don’t take what i say the wrong way but what i had meant to say above was that i was super excited about this website when i heard about it but i checked it out and during November 2010 lots of people wrote, tore their hearts out with heart wrenching letters and i said to myself, this Laurie didn’t even take out the time to respond in a basically caring way. she basically ignored their cries.
i said to myself, i am sorry that this is the way Laurie treats her potential audience after she has raised their hopes that they will be listened to here and given some serious “dear abby” online support.
what a disappointment.
i kept thinking, I cannot recommend this Laurie if she doesn’t respond to the writers of November 2010. this site is for publicity and is not run by someone who really cares. sorry.
Dear ocean,
Thanks for your concern — I’m sorry for the delay. I really appreciate your coming back to check!
This blog is definitely still active, but I can’t offer specific tips or advice on letting go of someone you love. I wish I could help everyone personally, but I just can’t. There may be things going on in your life that you aren’t aware of or can’t express, which is why I can’t offer personal advice.
That’s why I wrote my ebook “75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love” — to help people heal and move on with their lives. The tips aren’t specific to your personal, individual situation, but they offer solid, practical, extremely helpful advice from psychologists, counselors, and life coaches.
I hope that writing about your experiences here helps you figure out what to do in your relationship. Often, the simple act of writing your story can help you see it more clearly.
Another thing that happens is we know the right thing to do in our head, but we can’t admit it to our hearts. That is, we objectively and rationally know the right road to take…but we can’t let go of our hopes and dreams for our relationship.
Sometimes you need to do the very thing that makes you feel like your heart is being ripped out. Sometimes that’s the best decision, and the best way to let go of someone you love.
But it’s different for everyone, and everyone has unique situations and personal details that aren’t always realized — which is when a counselor comes in handy! There may be things going on in your life that you aren’t aware of or can’t express, and an in-person counseling session or two would be the best way to figure out what’s really going on.
I wish you all the best in your relationship, and invite you to come back anytime and update me! I read all the comments and my heart goes out to everyone coping with letting go.
Warm wishes,
Laurie
fellow readers, Laurie hasn’t answered in such a long time. Has she gone away? is she sick? what is going on?? is this blog still active? please fill me in!!!
I just broke up with my girlfriend cause she was talking to another Guy behind my back. I have cp and she loved me for me even if am all messed up. I loved her so much but I was afraid she was going to cheat on me cause I’m disabled. And I did think I was good enough for her and I would doubt myself. She has two kids that I love as if they were mine. We were going to get married before we broke up once before and didn’t get married. We got back together but I would get mad she cheated on me and I would always bring that up. She wanted to get married but I wanted a house first. I don’t have conference in myself I would tell her to go fond someone normal she would tell me she loved me and she didn’t want anybody else. Anyway she did find someone else and I want her back. She is my first and only true love. I not going to find anyone that’s going to love me for my disability. There is more to the story but I’m sure nobody wants to hear it.
Hello,
I’m going through the process of letting someone go. I will call this friend Lauren. We used to be good friends, to the point of almost reading each others’ minds.
Then, one day, Lauren told me she had been abused as a child, and everything changed.
Lauren went through a lot of anguish and agony dealing with these issues. She became a different person; where she had once been very happy and understanding, she became aggressive and controlling. She began accusing me of not understanding her or being on her side. She would always try to control how I interacted with mutual friends of ours, telling me how rude I was, restricting the words I could say, while simultaneously doing all the things she told me I could not do in her presence (using words like ‘crazy’ and offering advice to people who were just venting, for instance).
I am sure Lauren is suffering and needs all the help and friendship she can get, but I no longer feel welcome in her world. Is it neglectful or wrong of me to cease contacting Lauren on my own?
hi again laurie and fellow readers. this entry is a continuation of my last entry ! see it right above!!
after the above, my husband went to sleep but i typed in the above letter. silently as a mouse. he didn’t stir.
but this morning my husband said to me, why were you on the computer last night? (i realized this was his indirect way of saying it upset him).
i answered, “i was on (this) blog”…..and then i asked him, “did you ask me because you want to understand me or because you want to tell me that it bothered you”?
he answered, “of course it bothered me. it kept me up. i asked because i want to know what was so much more important to you than my sleep.
i said, ” you are assuming i knew it kept you up?
“yes of course” he said.
i said,and i was supposed to know that. and also you want me to take responsibility for your sleep patterns? i wasn’t trying to disturb you. i was as quiet as i could be. i went on the blog because i wanted to summarize my thoughts. i liked it. we all do things we like. it wasn’t to bother you.
he- “but what were you typing?”
me- i was typing in the blog.
he asked, ” but why were you doing it at night instead of going to sleep?
i said, “we had just argued before we went to sleep and when that happens i am not able to sleep. so i was going over our argument and summarizing our conversation and differences.
he- i asked you last night to understand my side and you had said you would think it over and consider it.
me-yes i am still thinking it over.
oh he said and left the room (he was preparing to leave for work) bye, he said as he left and pecked me kiss goodbye. thank you for going over it.
i don’t feel better i still feel bad. just as confused.
hi laurie
this scenario has repeated itself umpteen times and i wish you’d tell me how to unlock it.
my husband sat on my sheets as we were about to watch a dvd together, i wasn’t in the bed yet, but i got upset. he has a hard time moving off covers and working out where to move so as not to be stuck or upset the bed and so i could come inside.i guess i raised my voice, overreacted and yelled telling him to move. he has never had the finesse to come in my bed without making the bedding topsy turvy and he often has me pinched under the covers in his clumsiness.
so he refused to move and said, stop yelling.
later we both calmed down and i said, you know, when i ask you to move i wish you would and not argue with me and yell at me.
so he said, but i can’t stand when you raise your voice at me.
i said, well you could move off the covers and pay more attention to the message than to the way i say it.
he said, you know you were right and i should have moved. but i i couldn’t because i hate the way you say it. and i had to tell you that.
i said, you could have done what i was upset about and wanted and then you would have told me later on after it had been diffused.then i’d be more receptive and you could tell me that you’d prefer i say it calmly. but don’t complicate a tense moment by trying to educate me when i’m already upset.
so he answered, why do you have the right to be upset but i don’t?
can you shed light on this laurie??
hi laurie
what a wonderful site this is to help others with your advice and support. I’d like to share some of what i’m going through even though it’s hard to cover all the bases. i apologize for the length.
I’ve been married 27 years and we have 6 children. i am very creative, have some adhd. i am verbal, emotionally aware and expressive, am a qualified teacher and had a wonderful time birthing and raising my kids who are wonderful human beings. i love composing tunes but don’t have the skills to write them properly so i have to have others notate them for me. i tend to have adhd type of challenges- i have a hard time being organized, lots of clutter, piles of paper. i forget where i put things sometimes and have to look for them. sometimes I’m withdrawn but a lot of the time am outgoing. i make friends easily but i also get hurt easily and have become more private over the years. I’m great at deep conversation and am able to help people feel understood and supported.
i was attracted to my husband who is an investment counselor because he was so intelligent, knows something about everything, has an incredible memory for family and genealogy, remembers stories about family members he never met..he knows what to do and say in social situations where i am at a loss. i don’t have a good general knowledge whereas his is outstanding and that is very helpful to me.
relationship trouble started from the beginning. i hoped he would get over his habit of not making eye contact when we were dating but he never did. he was always tired and when he gets home from work he mostly asks me what i did during the day and why i didn’t do more, he complains how tired he is and falls asleep on the couch. he also spends lots of time in the bathroom. in the morning he says he has to wait for his bowels to move because once at work he has no time to spend on the toilet. he refuses to let me in when he’s in the bathroom showering or urinating or brushing his teeth saying it’s private. he hates when i leave the door open when i urinate although in my parents’ house we used to do that and thought it was ‘normal’ and acceptable.
i used to initiate and want sex more often than he did and he used to reject me quite a lot. when we did have i always felt satisfied that i released but felt frustrated by his touch skills, he was so clumsy. and having deep conversations, he always said, i don’t know and i felt i had to run two parts of the conversation. he often wouldn’t answer me for a long time and would only respond after i’d already given up.i felt like i was pulling teeth. or he’d go to sleep and tell me he wants to sleep he’s simply tired and i should leave him alone. hugging and sleeping in one bed at night made him have aches and made him tired the next day.
a couple years ago something strange happened. my jewelry disappeared and when i told him he said i must have forgotten where I’d put it. he finally accepted it was gone after a year. the little bag i had left slowly got less and less until i had nothing left. i suspected a house guest or one of the kids but never caught anyone. since then there are occasional raids on my stuff.
once it was my shoes that got damaged. sometimes it was my hems that i would find undone. for a while it was buttons of coats and dresses. sometimes it was shirts stretched out of shape. today i found a pair of glasses bent out of shape and my reflexology creams are nearly all gone.
once before a family dinner i complained my son was using a flowered china cup that had meaning to me as a pail to wash the floor and the next time i walked in the kitchen it was cracked down the side. no one owned up and they treated me as if i was crazy for assuming cups don’t crack by themselves.
i have lived now in this what has become a sexless marriage for a few years, scared to move on because i waited too long and now i am already 55 and i don’t know if i will find someone else. i look good, am fit. i do lack the knowledge if i can support myself, balance a bank account, manage to know what to say in social situations without my smart husband to be the charmer and smooth one in public. he makes a great impression.
my dad has said to me, you are so idiosyncratic, you won’t find anyone to put up with you. you won’t be able to support yourself.you’re no spring chicken and guys only want young women so you’ll end up alone. hey, i know i look great and take care of what i eat and how i exercise regularly. but what he says feeds into my fears and insecurities. my dad, a realist as he says, is partially right that i have no guarantee things will be better for me after i leave my husband, who incidentally advises my dad about all sorts of investment stuff that i don’t understand..
and i just lost my job as teacher because even though i was great with the students, another staff member who had been there longer, i was new, maybe was jealous of my skills or just didn’t like me, complained and got me fired. my boss admitted that she respected how i handled the children. now i am looking for a new job. meanwhile my husband survives in the real world whereas i just seem to have the skills it takes to hang on to a regular job. i am also a reflexologist, a very skilled one, but don’t know how to run a business on my own. so i have clients who rave about me, but nothing regular or dependable. my husband says i don’t have the ability to run my own business and says it isn’t fair that most of the money responsibility is on his shoulders and he wants me to get a regular job and that has been another tension between us.
i wish for intimacy but he seems to want to sleep/read/help the kids do homework/sit on the toilet and his smell is usually musty and old. i say something- he ignores me and i repeat myself again louder and then he yells at me, stop shouting!
it’s like there are several repeating scenes in our play and i can’t change the script.
the missing and ruined stuff may or may not be his doing. he did a lie detector test that turned out negative and he wants me to apologize for ever being suspicious of him but truth is i still think the whole thing is fishy and weird.
over the years we went to lots of guidance it didn’t seem to change anything. one of the counselors said she thinks he is emotionally limited and i shouldn’t expect him to change at all and if i am dissatisfied i have to change my attitude and decide to be happy with what is because he wont’ change at all, i can only change myself. so i tried every day to be happy and satisfied. but i never succeeded.
many times i told him i was feeling unhappy. i even suggested we divorce.his answer was that he also would not have married if he had really known how difficult it would be, but he thinks I’m a special person and we ought to keep trying because we share the kids. he says splitting up makes no sense money wise because we can barely make ends meet together. and he said if i do file he won’t give me half of our assets because he was the one who held a regular job all the time. (I cooked healthy meals, worked occasionally, lectured sometimes,raised smart, gentle, polite and appreciative children)
I’ve tried and am always trying to improve my skills to compensate for my weaknesses. i am aware of my many imperfections. i also have mood swings, very happy and hyper, sad and melancholy. a real poet. but it hasn’t worked for me. my husband and i seem to polarize each other. he says he can’t be loving or supportive as long as the house it too messy for him. somehow i can’t get the house together not feeling emotionally whole. it’s a vicious cycle.
turns out he also has a sleep disorder and is trying out a sleep mask for his apnea. so far no big improvements. and the disorder of his eye contact may be aspergers syndrome.
anyhow I’ve become somewhat obsessed about my decision whether or not to leave the relationship. I’ve been a bit scared off by the fear of will i miss the good things about him, challenged to find out if i can really survive on my own despite my never having managed before to keep a steady job or run my own business. i also love writing, by the way. and type fast.
the need to keep hiding whatever i own so it doesn’t get trashed also is a real strain on me. but i don’t know if it’s him or not doing all the damage.
then of course it’s scary that if we don’t heal our own issues psychologists say we are only running away from ourselves and we will repeat the harmful patterns in the next relationship. but how can i possibly heal in this relationship? i figure what i need to do here is simply believe in myself and love myself despite my ADHD tendencies. I’m so tired of being rejected both in the workplace and in my own home. i just don’t know if my strong belief will end up with my being safe and happy or just alone and sad. i figure as long as i accept myself and love myself I’ll find someone else. and a job that values my contribution.
so laurie, please tell me how you see what i described to you and what you think i need to do to decide if i can move on?
letting go is hard….my past love..still think of him from time to time, he left o another country and promise he he’ll come back to me and after three years he finally did come back, but he never contact me, I found out from friends he was back. and I’m letting him go because I loved him, I want him to be happy. I hope one day I too will be happy.