How to Let Go of Someone You Love

When you have no choice but to leave a relationship behind, you need help learning how to let go of someone you love. These tips on letting go will help you move forward in your life. When you’re letting go of someone you love, you need to try different things until you find what works for you.

letting go of love

“How to Let Go of Someone You Love” ebook

When I wrote 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love, I interviewed life coaches, counselors, and grief coaches on letting go. I know how shocking, confusing, and heart-wrenching when your partner leaves. It’s devastating – and it changes how you see yourself. I believe learning how to let go of someone you love is about rediscovering your passion and identity.

These tips are inspired by a reader who asked for help detaching and letting go of someone she cares about (her husband), even though he’s not quite “gone” yet. Here’s part of her email: “My husband of 3 years is planning to leave me without an explanation,” says Michelle (not her real name). “He is in a band and tours every now and then, but that has never been a problem till this tour… within a week of being on this tour he started distancing himself. No calls, hardly any replies to my messages on Facebook. I want to know how to let go of someone you love because I believe he will leave me.  How do I start over?”

In this post on letting go of someone you love, I focus on reconnecting with the most important person in your life: you. In my “letting go of someone you love” ebook, I offer more in-depth information.




5 Tips on Letting Go

It’s important to remember that letting go of someone you love isn’t something you do once – and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy. Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days.

1. Accept that you did the best you could in your relationship. Don’t waste your time or energy feeling guilty or bad about the choices you made in your relationship. You did the best you could, you loved as much as you were able. No matter what you did or didn’t do in your relationship, it ended — and it probably would have ended regardless. If you want to be happy and healthy – which involves learning how to let go of someone you love – you need practice acceptance.

2. Decide what needs to change in your life. You have to actively decide you want to let go of someone you love.  Who do you want to be? Where do you want to live, work, love, play, and laugh? Instead of mourning the fact that you have to start over because your relationship ended, I want you to try celebrating it. Stop focusing on your ex and the pain. Instead, focus on the excitement of a new beginning and fresh start. I know it’s easier said than done – especially if your husband left you for another woman – but it’s better for you in the long run.

letting go of someone you love3. Accept your lack of control. To let go of someone you love, you need to accept that you can’t control many things in your life. You can’t control who loves you, who leaves you, who helps you, who betrays you. You can’t control your neighbourhood, the traffic, the weather, or the economy. Of all the things you want to change in your life, remember that you can’t change people. You can sometimes change circumstances, and you can change your attitude and response to events and people…but you can’t change your husband, children, coworkers, neighbours, or family members.

If you need a more step-by-step approach to letting go of someone you love, read How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Good-bye and Getting On With Your Life by Howard Bronson.

4. Tap into your soul – start over spiritually. The happiest people are those who are in touch with their spirits. Adding spirituality to your life not only makes you feel better emotionally, it improves your physical health. Tap into your soul by meditating, praying, taking time to really listen to your heart, reading Scripture or other soulful books, and talking to people about spiritual matters. The end of a relationship – when you’re trying to let go of someone you love – is a perfect time to start getting back into your spiritual life.

letting go of someone you love

“How to Let Go of Someone You Love” image by Laurie

5. Get outside help on how to let go of someone you love. A life coach, counselor, financial adviser, or even a professional organizer can help you let go and move on. Whether you should hire a life coach or talk to a counsellor depends on your situation. If you’re struggling with self-identity, major life changes, fear, anxiety, depression, or your marriage – then I encourage you to talk to a counsellor. Therapists can provide objective feedback and guidance that our friends and family can’t offer. If you have money problems, financial advisers can help you become financially independent. Professional organizers can help you declutter — which can improve your physical and mental health!

Here’s another article I recently wrote on how to let go of someone you love: How to Get Over a Bad Breakup.

I hope these tips on letting go of  someone you love help. Please feel free to share your story below. I can’t offer advice, but it often helps to write your thoughts and feelings, even if you feel embarrassed or ashamed.




It’s important to remember that letting go of someone you cared deeply for is a process that takes time. I recommend  75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love, and encourage you to read one or two tips every day. Let yourself heal gradually, and grieve your loss. Don’t expect to be happy overnight! It’ll take time and work, but if you take it slow and steady, you’ll find yourself coming out of the tunnel of darkness.



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Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Welcome - I'm glad you're here! I can't give advice, but you're welcome to share your experience below. I'm a writer in Vancouver; my degrees are in Psychology, Education, and Social Work. I live with my husband, two dogs, and cat. We are childless, & have made peace with it. It helps to love Jesus :-)

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956 Responses

  1. Amy says:

    Hello, I met a wonderful man 1 year ago and from the start it was like I found my other half. But a few months back when all things were going perfect he said something was missing. He the gave me back my key and left. He came back that day and we cried together and he said he was wrong that without me in his life that was the piece missing. However, since that day he has pulled away from me and we have not spent any time together. He says he loves me but needs to be alone. I am having so much trouble letting go. With him I was so open and free.One day we were ok saying I love you before we went to sleep. When we woke the next morning he wanted to end things. He has asked me to wait for him to get his head together, but has limited his interactions with me and my kids who looked at him as a father. I need to move on but my heart is so broken I just want to cry. My kids need me to bounce back to be an example for them with their own break ups in the future. How do I let go? How do I stop blaming myself for the break up? I feel like a stalker when I see him around town. I even go in a whole different direction than he might take since he comes to my town to drop off his coworker. I miss his touch, his laugh,and I just want the pain to end.

  2. Niklyn says:

    This makes a lot of sense. I am still have a hard time letting go of pain from my past. I shall take further steps to letting go and the healing process which is in slow motion.

  3. Laurie says:

    Dear Vatalinie,

    I think you need to trust your gut. If you don’t feel comfortable with your boyfriend – if you don’t trust him – then you have your answer.

    If you decide to give your boyfriend another chance, then you have to prepare yourself for a long time of building trust. It takes time and effort on both partners’ parts to rebuild trust in a relationship.

    What is your boyfriend willing to do to help you trust him again? Is he aware of your feelings, and will he work to regain your trust?

    These are complicated questions, which is why sometimes it’s better in the long run to let go of someone you love. Both of you have to be committed to rebuilding your relationship. You can’t do it alone!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  4. Vatalinie says:

    Hi. I’ve been in a relationship for a while. About two months ago my boyfriend broke up with me to be with his ex/baby mama. He said that he didn’t want to be with her but that it was best for his son and that she deserved a second chance. Our break up lasted for two weeks. We made up because he said he made a mistake and that she wasn’t treating him right. So I said that needed time because I didn’t want to feel like a second choice and that we weren’t going to just pick up where we left off. So after a while we started going out again. Today, I found out that he slept with her during those two weeks we weren’t together. I feel heartbroken and can’t stop picturing them together. I know we weren’t together at the time but really? Having sex with someone else that fast? Those two weeks I spent crying and thinking about him. I didn’t even want any other guys around me. And the fact that he didn’t tell me and just let me fall back in love with him makes it worst of all. Am I over reacting? And what should I do? It hurts and I just don’t know what to think or say anymore. I love him but it’s like he didn’t really love me if he moved that fast. Now I’m just thinking, “Is he going to compare me to her?” “Is he thinking about her when he’s with me?” “If she treated him right would he still be with her?” So many thoughts in my head and I just feel so bad.

  5. Laurie says:

    Dear Conflicted Future,

    I really believe the best thing you could do is get counseling for yourself. Get an objective perspective on your marriage and life, and talk through the decisions you have to make. Sometimes the healthiest thing we could ever do is get strong emotionally and spiritually, and everything else falls into place.

    I know a woman who couldn’t convince her husband to go to counseling, so she went by herself. She got happy! Strong, confident, and able to handle whatever came along. Her husband, as a result, left her because he couldn’t control her anymore.

    Sometimes letting go of someone you love isn’t about getting him to counseling…it’s getting yourself as healthy as possible.

  6. Conflicted Future says:

    Hi there, my situation is complicated like most. I met my husband in college. My background is more colorful in the social world than his, I dated more, I had more sexual partners I lived, as I’m 4 years older than him, and not as sheltered as him. We had arguments and fights, words were said by him, feelings were hurt and damaged. We still married, even though days before the wedding he accused me of flirting with a friend of mine, and then sent flowers to say he was sorry!!! CLUE MUCH. We had dreams, goals and interests. We married and moved (military) to our first station. There are argued and loved, and argued and loved. He would freak out when I would get angry and try to talk to him about what was going on, or argue because he didn’t respond to anything I was saying. His parents apparently NEVER argued in front of their kids and it totally led him to believe life was perfect and people who were married didn’t argue. SHOCKER for him. We moved again. We are married 2 years by now, I started to doubt our relationship as he was deadly jealous of friend I had, male and female. he didn’t understand why I spent so much time with friends and didn’t spend time with him, which we all spent time together, and him and I spent plenty of time together alone. I’ve always had guy friends, I don’t get along with women too much because of the games they play dealing with the men in their lives. Anyway, so I was friendly to everyone but talked more and had more in common with the guys in the group. Non of the other women took offense as they new the differences in our likes and dislikes and new nothing was going on or going to happen. My husband was jealous anyway. We were on the brink of divorce when we decided to take a vacation and see if we could work on the problems in our relationship. Well I got pregnant with our first child. He deployed and was gone 7our of 9 months of my pregnancy. We had our DD and things were fine, never better. But then my relationship with his folks went down the drain, as he has never set any sort of boundaries with them, and they would come visit when ever and for how ever long they wanted without consulting my wishes. His mother held a grudge with me for not letting her be in the delivery room when our daughter was born. Anyway, The baby was my responsibly 100%, he never woke up, never helped change, never lifted a hand to help in anyway, not even to allow me to shower, or to eat alone. Our daughter was a year when we found out our DS was on the way. Fighting and arguing still were the majority of our lives and I felt more happy and alive when he was deployed. His jealousy faded a bit as who would be with someone with a young baby and pregnant, I imagine he thought. Our DS came and things settled down again, but the rift between myself and his parents was getting deeper and deeper, and I couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as his mother. He of course held her up so high no one could compare. Fast forward, DS is 1 year and we found out our third and LAST child was coming. She was meant to be, one time, in months and there she was. Our sex life has never been the center of our relationship even though my husband wishes it was. He once called me a whore and didn’t understand why I could sleep with so many people and not him every night. So DD was born and we found out we were moving to another country. My mother told me not to leave, to move in with them, to not go she said she didn’t feel right about the move. Well I ended up gaining about 20 lbs because of the stress of the move with three children under 5 and moving and leaving my family. We move and we get settled and from the get go things have been an argument, a fight, settle and fight and argument, settle. The past 9 months I’ve been debating on leaving him for good. My oldest DD hates to hear us argue, as its more like I talk he listens, he doesn’t respond, I started to get upset because he is completely ignoring what it is that is troubling to me or him, or the kids. I had a conversation or many conversation with him about changing for the children, for me, for our relationship, for the health of all of us, as I’ve asked him what are my faults, what bothers him and I’ve been working so very hard to make things work, to make things better, and I feel I’m the only one trying. He will try for a week or two and then fall right back into his sarcastic, (trying to lighten the mood) way of talking. He gets furious with crumbs, with clutter, with the children being children, with toys and shoes, with yelling and playing, so very quickly. He yells at the children frequently, calls them names tells them they are bad, and horrible children. Yes I get frustrated with them but I never call then horrible, or that they do everything wrong or they are bad all the time. He doesn’t know how to communicate with them, to be gentle to get them to put away theirs without barking orders or yelling them to crying. They are children and I will not change them or groom then to be seen and not heard. I’ve asked him to go to counseling and he has refused in the past till this year when I threatened to leave if he didn’t go to counseling and I would call his supervisor in order to fix his home life. He went once, (which now I’m not sure he was telling the truth as I’ve never really trusted him after his betrayal of my months after we were married, (going thru my email accounts and online social profiles). I often think he lies to just not have to talk about things or deal with the issues. Anyway, so he went once, he worked at dealing with the children and communicating better with everyone. Well, two weeks ago it’s started again. Snotty under the breath remarks, sarcasm, why I don’t sleep with him like he wants, why I’m always busy, why the house is cluttered why why why about everything. I’ve asked my parents for helps and suggestions, and he hasn’t’ told his parents anything about any of our troubles. They think everything is perfectly fine. When in actuality I’m ready to up and leave, but seriously can’t because of the cost of flying all four of us home from this country. We have 1.5 years left and I swear I just want to get the hell out of here. But thinking for my children’s future and my own, staying married for 10 years, which would take us to the time we leave here, would give me half of his retirement and such for living. I’ve done a lot of research on this and know my options. It’s just hard to think, should I leave now, or try and wait the time out here? I’ve asked him what he needs me to do, to work on. I’ve tried so hard so very hard to make the times together pleasant, but there is always something that ruins the happy memories with him. We have happy ones, but the bad ones out weigh the good more often then not for me. And my oldest DD is leaning the same way, as she loves her daddy so very much but has started to show signs of low self esteem, flinches when you wave your hands around if talking about something. She herself has an attitude now, and back talks. I try to talk and act the way I want them to learn and become as young children and to grow up to be. It seems like every time I set something up for them, a behavior an action, a way of doing things the right way, he has to mess it up and they go back to the behaviors and attitudes I’m trying to stop. Life is an uphill battle in teaching them and molding them into responsible young people. My DS (4) blames everyone else for anything that happens to him, nothing is his fault, when he does something and I caught him, I see him, he flat out lies about it. I realize this is true from some children, but his fathers behavior is a direct reflection down upon him. I guess I know what I have to do, its doing it. It’s fear of the unknown, of starting over, of dealing with failure, and the loss of 10 years, but the beautiful gain of three wonderful children. They are my life… So as I think I know what I need to do, what is your advice and or suggestions of the here and now to deal with this situation? Thank you so very much for your help!!!

  7. Laurie says:

    Thank you for sharing how your thoughts on how to let go of someone you love. I hope you’re able to survive this experience of letting go, and move on to a happier, healthier stage of life.

    Acceptance is key. Acceptance, and letting time heal us up.

    Blessings, prayers, warm thoughts,
    Laurie

  8. 4mevrywhr2evrywhr says:

    (continued.)

    Everything kept deteriorating. I didn’t want to commit to someone I cared about till the time, I was clear and complete with my past. I found it immoral. I wanted answers again, I wanted my ex to give me a justification for the 7 years I had given her. So, I reached out to her to discuss things (she was in the US and I was in India). My discussions with her helped me (irony, my ex became a psychiatrist in the US), but what didn’t help was the fact that she had gotten divorced by then. I felt like there was something incomplete left between us which I wanted to give a deserving end (my entire 7 years with her had been long distance). But, in the meanwhile, distances between me and my bf kept growing, to the point that she started seeing someone in her office. A few months down the line, she married him.

    Moral of this absurd story: If you walk around with one dead body onyyour back, soon enough you’ll have two. Which relationship do you think I was happier in? Sure, marrying my bf would’ve had its own challenges, but there was a whole side of me that I felt I didn’t get to show her. We broke up on really bad terms and today I’m forced to run into her almost everyday with her husband (we work in a public place, can’t switch jobs, tried, didn’t work.) And thus, I find myself at a blog like this, preaching sense to people like you, while I never mended my ways myself. Save yourself the trouble, if you wish to grieve, grieve. But, when you move on, make sure you keep walking.

  9. 4mevrywhr2evrywhr says:

    Dear Lithium,

    I read your post and felt like I was reading something I wrote a couple of years back. Another resounding feeling is as if I’m listening to my imaginary younger brother. The reason why I say this: I know exactly what you’re going through. I had something similar happen to me. And your reaction to the circumstances has been close to how I had / would have dealt with them. Which is why, I believe our natures are very similar. Over the years, I have done a lot of introspection, trying to find the answer. I have confronted many truths about myself, or attempted it to the best of my abilities. And I would like to stop you from making the mistakes I made. You’re free to disassociate from me and my experiences at any point of time, my only wish for you is that you may be able to acknowledge a part of you that you didn’t know is running your life right now. Just like me, you want appreciation and acknowledgement for the purity in love you had for this girl. You want it to count for something. Something bad has happened to you, and it needs to be grieved. You wish others would grieve with you, but nobody stands there with you long enough. Everybody is a window-shopper, not because they’re bad or insensitive, but because they don’t have any solutions for you. This isn’t the first time you’ve discussed your story, you’ve discussed this several times before, with most of people in your life. You’re a nice guy, and you don’t want to cause harm in the world or disempower anyone. But this mattered, and you want people to see that.

    My brother, none of this is mala fide in any way. But, I kept digging, and it ruined my second relationship too. (yes, you can fall in love again. Better still, you will discover that love wasn’t only what you felt with one person. It has many beautiful, ecstatic faces)

    I fell in love with my best friend and the thing with falling in love with your best friend is that you don’t really know that you’ve fallen in love with them. You never really know when the relationship started :) it just does, and you deal with it.

    My ex had had a whirlwind marriage with someone she had crazy chemistry with. I was dealing with my break up, trying to find answers, I had decided that I would understand every aspect of my failure and never let this happen to me again, when a few months later she (my best friend) had her break up too. Both of us now felt responsible for each other, and we felt appreciated. (for all of you with the uncontrollable urge to yell out “Rebound!”, calm down. I know. Thank you.)

    The relationship was going great, I forgot everything bad that happened to me. She and I were practically like husband and wife, we spent most of our time together (this was college), we would explore new parts of the city everyday, hid our relationship from all our friends (which was a lotta fun at times, coz nobody expected us to be in a relationship), sex was great (we used to keep giggling all the time, send each other really lewd messages throughout the day), we knew everything about each other.

    But then one day, she asked me to get married to her, and I suddenly couldn’t take a decision. I still felt responsible to my ex, I wanted closure before I could think of marriage, and my best friend was quick realize that. She couldn’t tolerate it.

  10. Lithium says:

    To my family and the people around me it seems ridiculous to them what I feel.

    Background:
    I’m 18 [Yes I’m young], she was 16 [Really young…]. But despite the ages she was still way more socially mature than I was and her extremely religious parents liked me [I’m the type to start doing the dishes after having dinner at your house- my mother taught me well :)]. We were together for a year and it felt like complete bliss. I had never kissed a girl before her [I was a super shy geeky computer science kid and she was a beautiful blonde hip hop and tap dancer] and we ended up going much further [naked but not sex-very close though] and I completely fell for her heart and personality. We used to go on walks along the river near us.. holding her in my arms I felt like my life was complete and nothing could stop me.

    I honestly thought she could be the one [Yes of course I know it sounds ridiculous but I was naive and in love]. But I dreamed of a life with her.

    After being with her half a year and her saying the best day of her life was prom [I could not leave her side! and me who usually NEVER dances danced all night with her]. I started college an hour and a half away… I would visit her every other weekend because I was at college and she was still in high school. But suddenly she said she needed to go on a break because she was stressed with school and couldn’t find the time to talk to me. That stressed me out SOOO much but I wanted her to do well in school [This high school is harder than college… and can really get you to the highest places if you even do average there – everyone is smart]. Eventually after a couple weeks of not talking and me figuratively DYING and my grades going to hell for not having her – I go home to visit and we have Chai at a coffee shop and go for a walk and she breaks up with me. Her reasons: Stress from long distance, and she actually said “I want to date other boys”.

    She said that despite all this she still loved me and I did nothing wrong but that we had to break up. I wish I had reacted differently- there is a lot I regret. But after she wanted to break up I forgot about my feelings and kept telling her it would be ok and I held her in my arms [I hated to see her crying]. I told her it would be impossible for me to move on if we talked after [I REGRET THIS] and we separated ways her running to hug me saying to be friends after.

    This happened more than 6 months ago. My life after that degenerated into me starting to chain smoke cigarettes. I had never smoked before but ended up doing 2 packs a day for a couple weeks. I started cutting my wrists and hurting myself. Frequently getting drunk alone… [This was during my second semester- Somehow I got all A’s despite the fact I was starving myself and hurting]. Suicidal thoughts would never leave my mind and I had put my straight razor to my neck on several occasions [thankfully I never went through with it]. I also started smoking weed. I’m actually a little high right now. It seems like mj is the only thing that has started helping me move on. It’s shocking because the stuff I started doing after the break up is stuff I would NEVER had done and they seem completely out of my character- but I essentially gave up with life and didn’t care about myself. It sounds ridiculous and I understand it’s ridiculous because I’m so young and have barely lived… but my problem is that I can’t stop thinking about her. She is in every thought. I lie in bed at night wishing I held her in my arms but at the same time feeling disgusted by her for her ability to hurt me so much. I dream about her. Sometimes naked sometimes not. I talked to her briefly a couple times months after and she had completely moved on and felt nothing for me. I feel so hurt because even when I talked to her so briefly her personality and what she could say would make me laugh and make me miss her so much…

    When I was with her she completely uncracked my shell of being shy. I could do anything and didn’t care about people thought. I could skip with her with a flower she picked in my ear and would not care. Without her… I’ve regressed to becoming anti-social. I forced myself to volunteer and I work with kids [I did stop cutting and drinking and smoking tobacco before starting to volunteer – no one wants their kids around a psychotic] but volunteering has not helped at all.

    I can’t even begin to imagine a different girl in my life. It’s terrifying. I’ll never think she’s as good as my ex. I’ll close my eyes and think it’s my ex. I’ll never love them. I have no problem in believing someone else would love me. I just don’t believe I myself will fall for someone else. How will I be able to trust someone if the person I loved so dearly just threw it all way so easily?

    Maybe it would be easier if I ‘hooked’ up with someone to separate the physical from the emotional… But I am incapable of sexual acts if no love is involved [They are revolting to me].

    I just feel completely stuck. I’m in love with a girl that I might not even take back for all the pain she’s caused me. And I can’t even begin to imagine loving someone else in my life. I’m regretful of all the things I believe I did to mess up my relationship.

    I’m sorry for my terrible writing. I’m not a good writer when high…

  11. Laurie says:

    Dear Yolanda,

    Thank you for being here, and for sharing your story. I really appreciate your comments – I’m so glad you found a connection with me. :-)

    I 100% think you should move on!! You deserve better than to be treated like that. Even if he wasn’t telling you that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, I would tell you to let him go.

    Accept that it wasn’t meant to be. Grieve the end of your relationship. Believe that there is someone else out there for you, who will love and cherish and honor you.

    Here’s an article on starting over:

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/starting-over-after-your-relationship-ends-new-beginnings/

    One day, you will look back and be SO GLAD this relationship is over! Don’t draw out the pain and make it longer than it has to be. Break free, my friend, and reconnect with your heart and soul.

    Come back anytime, let me know how you’re doing. I can’t offer counseling or more advice than I’ve given, but I will listen and give you a big virtual hug! xo

    Stay true to you,
    Laurie

  12. Yolanda says:

    After a tumultous relationship, having been in an abusive relationship: physically, mentally and emotionally, my ex broke up with me hurriedly in order to be in a relationship with another woman. We were together from October 2010, lived together for almost a year until a 9-1-1 call on May 17, 2012 that made him moved out of the apartment and moved back to his mother’s nest. We reconciled and got back together on July 1, 2012 and broke up again on May 17, 2013 (exactly one year from the 9-1-1 incident, same date). I have been reading your block on the abusive and manipulative relationship. And I can tell you Laurie, all the subjects that you covered there happened to our (demise?) relationship. No need to make further description to it. Now I am dealing with my heartbreak because I was the dumpee. My ex would care less because he is currently in a relationship (rebound? not even a week after our break-up). And he told me he has moved on – not even 2 months and he has already moved on? I dont mean to sound bitter, Laurie but I am just trying to be logical on this matter. Why is he doing this? He does not even recognize his role in the break-up while I apologized to him for my part in it. Never did he say that he is sorry for what had happened to our relationship. This man who I stayed with for almost 3 years, made plans together for our future, he even gave me a ring so we could get married next year. What happened? Reading your articles gave me a clear view. I love your articles. I have been reading different blogs and other stuff but yours is different, I have found a connection there. Like I could tell you everything. Now it confuses me – should I get him back (I still love him and care for him) or should I just move on, like he told me to.

  13. Laurie says:

    Hello Shannon,

    This ebook – Letting Go of Someone You Love – is only available in pdf format.

    Thank you,
    Laurie

  14. Shannon Roberts says:

    can you get the book anywhere else except in PDF format?

  15. Laurie says:

    I can’t offer advice or counseling, but I do have one question:

    If your relationship is as complicated and difficult as it sounds, why do you want to stay in it? I know how heartbreaking and difficult it is to let go of someone you love…but it’s a question of short-term pain versus long-term gain.

    Do the work to heal and move forward now, and your future will be happier, lighter, and easier.

  16. Camille says:

    hi laurie,
    Hoping this one reaches you my last one wasn’t detailed so I hope this one was able to be posted and the last one discarded. sorry for the inconvenience my fiance he left in july one day and didn’t say a word that he was going bak to n.y then two days call me as if he didn’t just up and leave. And he says he felt I needed space. It hurt of course cause if he felt I needed space why didn’t he talk to me before he left. So when he tried to come bak I wouldn’t let him cause I felt betrayed. I took all my anger out on him told him nah he can’t come bak cause that’s not love. Times we talked, times we didn’t talk and for 10months it continued like that. I would speak to him for weeks then not speak to him for weeks all the while he was saying he wasn’t with nobody and he wasn’t sleeping with nobody etc.. Then after I had our daughter snow last month. I felt ok he can come bak cause I feel he been still there for me so he must love me. He was so happy. Then days after that his baby momma write me says they been sleeping together and living together from dec – feb 2013. And that they been sleeping together since aug 2012. I was crushed. Then told him no we can not be!! She also said when she broke it off with him in feb. He was begging for her bak!! Wow.. Anyway he popped up on me last month flowers, balloons teddy bears etc.. He stayed about 2weeks but I couldn’t deal. So I asked him to leave, he begged etc.. But still I couldn’t do it cause he lied says he didn’t beg for her, etc.. I didn’t touch him the whole time and I made him sleep on the coach. He’s gone almost a month now still writes, texts, calls, send letters in the mail etc.. Still says he loves me and was confused and that he had feelings for her and yea he did infact beg for her bak but he never loved her! Smh now he wanna admit truth when he lied in my face!!!!! Idk what to think or believe or do. He says he loves me always have and he just was lost cause he thought he’d lost me . but yet we’ve been talking that who;e time yes going through it because soon as he left, i find out he gave me trich and hpv!! when i went for my ob chek up, i was devastated!! anyway his baby momma says he been taking it out on her, cussing her out all types of things.. But that dnt impress me or show me anything cause he still been with her, sleeping with her unprotected even after knowing he has hpv and gave it to me!!!!! And lying to me all them months like he love me so much saying he would do nun of that to me but he did. So now he keeps trying etc. But I dnt knw what to do or believe because how can someone say they love you but can go sleep with someone that fast and KEEP doing it!! And worse beg for them bak but say he was confused and love me..yet if he loved me why he left me pregnant and was able to still sleep with another knowing he’d just gave me std’s and i was so hurt by that alone!!?? I’m tired of all this and I want to continue my life and although I knw we all make mistakes and are human, I just feel some things aren’t mistakes!! He betrayed me lied kept lying and although I wouldn’t allow him to come right bak after he left, he still was talkn to me the whole time! like he wasn’t even doing nun, just to find out he was living a whole other life until he felt I’d say ok come back and it’s ok u gave me all these stds and left me pregnant and just proposed to me!!.. .. I cried so much but I rather cry than stay a fool. Or if I’m suppose to try and let it go and try.. Smh I just dnt knw what to do..and also I feel like he dnt get how hurt I am! The way he says things like ( what else you want me to do!!! I begged bought you things, ) yes that’s what he says to me.. And then that hurts more. Because I’m like wow are you serious!!! After all you did you say that to me like I should take him bak already! As if he doesn’t care about the pain, he just sees what he doing to get me bak. But how is that enough? Am I crazy or sum? Am I expecting too much? What is wrong with me? Was I suppose to take him bak cause he came all the way down here? He acts like by him coming to t.n that proves he loves me. But why should he get credit for that when his baby live here!!!!!!!! Smh..ughhh I dnt even knw what a man suppose to do to prove he sorry or that he love you after something like this. I just feel I dnt trust him, and he seem like he dnt knw what love is, and how do you go from beggn one girl to the next then say he’d a been dumped her if he knew I was gon take him bak.. She said she dnt believe he ever loved her, she says she feel he used her and that she done with him. But how do I look? I should feel special??? Cause I dnt.. i just hate this pain and he just seems ok. but claims he isn’t..

  17. Emily says:

    So true, letting go is the hardest part. I guess it’s not the person that is hard to let go, it’s all the feelings and the memories you’ve shared together. We just need to accept the facts that people come and go, what’s important is that we met them and learn from them to make us a better person.

  18. JAMI says:

    Hello – I was married for 17 years to an abusive man. I finally left them and less than a year later I got married to another person. I found out he lied about having an extra wife i didn’t know about……….more children than I knew about…………He had no license, no car, he was pretty much “in need”. He has become abusive when we argue and this is something that I do NOT want to deal with again. It took me forever to leave the first relationship, but for some reason this one seems harder and we don’t even have any children together. I’m so confused. He keeps telling me that he has no where to go……..that I’m his best friend, etc. I do feel sorry for him, but I am slowly losing love for him and I really don’t think I am in love with him anymore…………

  19. Laurie says:

    Dear Sad,

    It really is devastating that your husband was having an affair for so long! It’s unfathomable, hard to believe, and shocking. My heart goes out to you.

    I don’t know if he’s still lying to you, or if the affair is over. If your gut is telling you he’s lying, then…I think you need to trust your gut.

    But, letting go of your husband is certainly easier said than done! I’m sorry you have to go through this.

    Have you decided what you’re going to do?

  20. Sad says:

    I found out 2 yrs ago my husband of 20 yrs had been having a 3yr long affair with a co-worker. I say it was 3 yes because that’s as far back as I could prove it. It is certainly possible it was longer. I am devedtated! I never dreamed he would do something like that once…but to carry on for YEARS just is I fathomable. Now 2 yrs almost to the day (5/9/11) and it still seems unreal. I had so much faith and trust in him and to know he lied straight to my face on numerous occasions!! Ugh!! My reason for commenting is to ask.. What are the chances it’s just over like that?? He swears he has not spoken to her since but I don’t believe him. Things like that are not just over with that easy. They had to have spoken if for no other reason than to say goodbye but my husband says no way. But my gut tells me he’s lying!! What are the chances a long term relationship is over with no closure?? Really??

  21. Laurie says:

    Dear Hurting,

    I am sorry that you’re hurting. The pain of losing someone you love seems like it’ll kill you — I thought I’d die when I lost two of the most important people in my life! But I didn’t die. I slept alot, cried alot, and grieved alot.

    And then I moved on. You asked me what I think you should do, and I think you should accept that your husband wants out of your marriage. I think you should focus on grieving and healing.

    What do you think?

  22. Hurting says:

    I’ve been married for almost 2 years and my husband told me he wanted out of the marriage. He says he doesn’t love me any more and hates is life with me. Our relationship as been rocky from the start. He comes with a lot of baggage: Baby mama drama, felonies is his background and mommas boy. We have been to counseling and things were getting better, he was counsel to cut ties with his mom because of how it affected our relationship. So he did, however it came the time he needed a ride from his mother and ever since they started communicating a lot more, we started falling apart again. He moved out about 3 weeks ago now. Can would text me for sexual favors, however I never accepted. I finally got a text from him stating not to contact him anymore and that the next time I heard anything from him was for the divorce he also stated he was going to find someone and move on. He stated I should do the same. I’m so hurt cause of all I did for this man from; Finding stable employment, get him out of jail, I never cheated, I helped him become a much better person inside and out. I just feel used, how can it be so easy for him get up leave? To tell me he will find someone soon? To tell me he hates is life with me? We’ve never even had a honeymoon because he can’t leave the county, I was a prisoner in my own home, all his restrictions I followed them as well. How can someone do this? I’m devasted!! what should I do?

  23. Laurie says:

    Thank you, Jazz! I’m just starting my Quips and Tips/Bounce Back Babe newsletter. That’ll be the start of my online group, I think.

    I appreciate your feedback, and hope we stay connected :-)

  24. Jazz says:

    Laurie,

    Your words are full of hope and caring. Have you ever thought about forming an online group?

  25. Laurie says:

    I recently updated my ebook about Letting Go of Someone You Love, because of my experience as a support group facilitator.

    If you can find people who know how you feel, you may find it easier to move on and love again. There really is a lot to be said for being with people who have “been there, done that.”

  26. Moonshine says:

    Dear TN,
    I understand what you’re going through. I really do. Some person has also put me through hell. But time will heal our wounds. I’m sure… just give it time, although now it may seem impossible. But I can guarantee you, you can move on. YES you can!

  27. TN says:

    I don’t even know how or where to start. All those years waiting and letting go of the one person I loved so dearly, I finally able to put him down, and accepting a new person in my life.
    Yet, he is just a liar. I feel so hurt. I feel hurt in a way that I’ve never experienced before. My feeling for him is so strong that I just want to blind my eyes, close my ears to accept the lies. Knowing every time he isn’t with me, he’s probably with someone else. And I just want to refuse to know. My pride and my ego are not letting me accept that I’m just like the rest, that I am not any different than all the girls he has been with.
    I have to let go. I know. I have to get rid of what had happened between us and accept this one isn’t for me. But it’s so difficult. I don’t know how I am going to deal with this feeling. The feeling of betrayed and being cheated on. I’m so hurt. So disappointed. I feel so lonely. I held back my tears because it’s not worth it. I have to be strong and act like it’s ok. But when I get back home. In my room. On my bed. I just want to break down to pieces.
    I’m so broken. But I can’t even stay true. I’m hurt. I just want to cry. I just want to forget. I just want to feel better. I don’t want to be here. I don’t….

  28. Laurie says:

    Dear newlywed,

    What a way to start a marriage! Your new husband has been abusing you, and instead of being in the honeymoon phase, you’re doing everything you can to survive.

    I think you need more than “just” learning how to let go of this man you love. You need to learn how to survive an abusive relationship.

    Here’s an article that may help you:

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/how-do-you-leave-an-abusive-relationship-starting-point/

    Can you do one of the tips in that article? Let me know if there is something in there that may help you.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  29. Jean says:

    How do you accept your age as it really is, and not want to go back and redo your life? I feel like I have just woken up again after raising children for many years. What do you think about big age differences in relationships?

  30. newly wed says:

    i have now been married atleast 5 weeks, after a dating period of about 18 months. In the past 5 weeks, i have been beaten, shoved around and verbaly sworn at, things i couldnt repeat to the next person. In all the fights, im always made to feel like i am the course, if i didnt smoke he wouldnt have to get violent with me. i never listen to anything he ever asks. A typical abuser, that has attemted to lock me inside the house and keep me from going to work. Kept my wallet and phone so that i would go back. Horrrific things that he has done, could this at all serve as grounds to annul a marriage? I am clear that this is abuse and it is not for me to fix, only he can help himself if he ever comprehends the graveness of his behavioural problem. I need to design a way out, one that will leave me with no stigma such as divorce.please advise

  31. Devastated says:

    Thank you for your comments, no I have not talked to anyone, simply because of a promise I made to him, I think it would help but just can’t seem to break that promise. Why do you think he still calls, admittly not as much in the last few months, but if he didn’t care why would he even bother. I’ve asked him if he wanted to end our “friendship” but he says no, it would make him sad not to be able to talk to me. I know he loved me at one time, if not, then he was a great pretender. And yes I make up things all the time but it just makes it worse and I hurt so much. I truly do love him, its a feeling I’ve truly never felt before. he taught me something else though, better then anyone else in my life, he taught me you can’t trust anyone!!!!

  32. Laurie says:

    Dear Devastated,

    Have you talked to a counselor? I think it’s important for you to talk this through with someone professional, who can guide and support you as you let go of this man you loved. It’s truly devastating to lose someone you thought you would settle down with, especially when the break up was sudden and unexpected. Trying to sort through your feelings alone isn’t as healthy as reaching out and connecting with a professional who can give you expert opinions and guidance.

    Have you considered calling a counselor, and getting help as you sort through the pain of this breakup?

  33. Delilah says:

    Dear Devastated,
    I am so sorry for what you’re having to face right now. I know that it has to hurt like hell. You’re probably making up senarios to justify why he’s treating or rather not treating you this way. What ever the reason, it is a mean spirited behavior on his part. It is also a cruel way to end something that made you feel so good at one time. But you had to have thought that somehow your idealic pretend relationship with him could not last without someone getting hurt in a most profound way. You’re got to take some really deep breaths on this one and become a big girl.

  34. Devastated says:

    I am a 48 yrs old woman who has been married for, soon to be 31 yrs. I thought I was truly happy in my marraige until 5 1/2 yrs ago. I feel hopeless in love with my co-worker, He is also married. I never knew what true love was until him. After being best friends for 6 months, we had a brief 3 month affair, that started 5 yrs ago yesterday. We were both extremely happy, I had told him I had fallen in love with him, he was happy and said I wasn’t the only one who was in love. He would tell me to pick out land for our house and he would change my last name on e-mail I sent him to his name. We truly were happy. Then one day it all changed, he wouldn’t talk to me, I’d ask what was wrong and he’d say nothing. I was and am still devastated and not knowing what truly happened is killing me. I have never trusted anyone in my life till him. He still calls me, and can’t imagine my life with out him. He says he cares for me as a “friend”. I don’t know what to do. I was on medication for depression for 2 yrs, I had to quit my job, and it was a job that I had worked hard at, but I couldn’t work with him with the way he treated me. I don’t know how to let go. He still talks to me and I keep telling myself that he truly does love me or why would he even bother to keep in contact and not say goodbye, (I have asked him, even yesterday, if he wanted to say goodbye, he says no that I need to just chill). I cried all day yesterday because when I talked to him he acts like we were know big deal, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him, of US. He is the 2nd man I have ever been with. What do I do?? Any advice?????

  35. maia miranda says:

    I have been in a relationship close to 40 years after 4 grown children the realtionship seams to get worse there are days that I cant stand to be without him but I can honestly say it only gets worse I find it solonely at times and i feel like he has become an attachement we have so many differences weather its just over the sillest thing I just turned 55 and i really want to let go cant do this anymore any advice as to how to start

  36. Laurie says:

    Dear Conflicted,

    I think the first thing to remember is that you aren’t truly in love with your coworker! Love is dedication, work, committment, responsibility, negotiation, compromise, acceptance, patience, forgiveness, and energy.

    Your feelings for your coworker are just that: feelings. They don’t encompass what true love is! You are attracted to your coworker because he or she is a novelty, an infatuation that is not based on the reality of love.

    So, you let go of someone you think you love by reminding yourself of what you have in your marriage. Your spouse genuninely loves you, and is willing to work things out. This is huge! THAT is true love.

    If you don’t want to quit your job, you need to re-examine your priorities and the vows you took. You owe it to your spouse to act maturely and man up to your marriage. It’s not about quitting your job…it’s about being a good person.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  37. Conflicted says:

    Laurie,

    I fell in love with someone I work with, I’m married so this was a terrible mistake, my spouse wants to keep the marriage and work throw the forbidden kiss my co-worker and I shared, and I want to get back to us as we’ll; but how do you let go of someone you love when you work with them, and quitting your job is definitely not and option.

  38. Laurie says:

    The only way to let go of someone you love is to keep trying different things until you find what works for you. I am in Peru right now, and all the worries, stresses, and concerns I had back home are not even a faint memory. They are nonexistent!

    Instead of focusing on the person you loved and lost, try focusing on taking risks and living life fully. Accept that you are not meant to be with him or her, and move forward into a more exciting, fulfilling life.

  39. Poppyred says:

    I am currently deciding to give my ex up for good to finally let him go.
    We fell out about 9 months ago and have tried to remain friends, he tells me all the time that he cannot imagine his life without me in it, that he loves me but is not in love with me etc.. I find his actions really confusing as he still wants t know who I’m with and what I’m doing and gets really jealous, yet keeps telling me we cannot have a 2nd chance as it would not work ect. I have to be honest I don’t really want a 2nd chance anymore because all of this is doing my head in, and I seriously think he’s mad and needs t sort his head out and what he wants.
    I think that if I let go, my life will be less stressful and I can finally start t move forward, I just need t get used t not having him around or texting ect That’s the hard part for me but I’m going t give it a go ☺

  40. papa says:

    I love him, more than he knows that I do. But I must let him go for this love is only a big illusion. I never felt he feel the same way for me though we always had a time for each other. I know he only needs me but never love me. I knew it from the start but still I hold on to our relationship hoping he will love me too, but I guess I am wrong. I felt so sad, I cant go away from him but I know I must because this is the best for me. I love you babe always and always will.

  41. Nunchuck says:

    I am in the process of letting go of someone. It’s been on, off for a long time and it feels like it’s draining me of every emotion I have. I’ve lost the feeling of excitement, that feeling of enjoyment and being happy. Now all I feel is resentment. It’s so hard. I don’t think I know what love is any more. I just want to be happy again.

  42. anonymous says:

    I am a person who can’t move on with my ex-boyfriend. Even there are other guys that I know would be better than him. I don’t know what I see on him. Whenever I have a suitor, I forget about him. But there are really times I can’t help but think about him. next day, I will text him back. He is the love of my life. We broke up because of family matters. I am thinking if I am going to fight for him, but hurt my family so much..

  43. Laurie says:

    Maybe it’s not about letting go of love, or of the person we loved.

    Maybe the healthiest thing is to let go of our expectation that that person will love us back.

  44. Monica says:

    The hardest part is coming to terms with the fact that this person does not want you in their life. And as Laurie says it is especially hard when you don’t know exactly what went wrong or why they left you….

  45. Dawn says:

    I have read everyone’s posts, and I think people deal with things in their own way. I am currently in the LONG process of letting go of the absolute love of my life. I married a little over 14 months ago because I was soooo hurt….not exactly the right reasons to get married…but I did nonetheless. After over 3 years of being with him I finally accepted that he did not want a life with me…a future. I am trying to make my marriage work, but not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. Long story short…. my true love has regret and has apologzied to me. I am what he wants, but he will not be in the way of my marriage. I ache for him, but I just don’t have the heart to leave my husband. I’m slowly letting my love go so we can have peace…..but he is very much alive and well in my heart and soul. I believe that if we are meant to be together one day we will. Until then….I do the best I can do with my life by raising my son and trying to make the best of things. I never understood what empty means until now…

  46. Mary says:

    Letting go .. it´s so hard, I don´t love that person anymore, but I still thinking about all the good times, I’m afraid that maybe I never find someone that wonderful.

  47. Anon says:

    I don’t care, I’ve been separated from my soulmate for 3 years now and I can’t even look at other women. There is a thing as true love and I will never give up, I may have made mistakes to get here but life is only lived once and if it isn’t with her it may as well not be lived at all.

  48. Claudia cc says:

    Life is what we make of it. It is extremely difficult to let go of someone that we love but faith is essential. One must let go and let God take over. I have known my husband for 45 years and I have to let him go in my mind, spirit and soul due to his destructive life style. Love is an action, not an emotion. We choose to love and with that, often comes dissapointments, pain and sufferings. By stepping aside, we give the person an opportunity to find himself and let God do His will.

  49. kVw says:

    @toomanyregrets- how are you doing thru ur bf leaving to go home to his country? I’m jus beginning the journey and it seems urs began a few months ago…advice?

  50. Laurie says:

    Someone recently told me that they will never let go of the person they love. Rather, they will hold on to the memories for as long as they can, because this keeps the person alive.

    I’m not sure if this is good or bad, but it wouldn’t work for me. I’d rather let go than hold on.

  51. meme says:

    My husband and I have been married for 7 years and have 2 beautiful children. My husband has been on drugs for 18 years, 7years ago I too started useing…before I knew it I was addicted. 5 years ago I booked into rehab and have been batteling since then to recover as I just can’t find the courage to leave him because I love him…yet I know that while his still in active addictive I won’t get my recovery. His in denial, says I’m the sick one not him. How marriage is so toxic and my selfishness won’t even let me consider my children. I really pray for the courage to change the things I can.

  52. John says:

    I’ve been in love a number of times, and yes, it’s painful, but I never felt anything like what I did for Alison. She was an obsession, though I couldn’t tell you why. I just wanted to be with her all the time. It ended badly, because of bad communication (and that she lived in England). I fell into a deep clinical depression (2 years), and was helped out of it by my old girlfriend who eventually became my wife. Recently I found the letter that she sent me after our summer together. It turns out that I hadn’t read the letter proper – my mind was too shattered and depressed at the time, – and that she had left the door open for us to be together again. It brought Alison back into my heart in a big way, and I tried to find her, if only to explain. That’s what I told myself. I discovered that she got married 5 years later, and even though Alison happened more than 20 years ago, I still feel devastated, like it happened yesterday. I’m afraid the despair is out of control. I know it’s not rational, and certainly not fair to my wife. I still want to find her, to have her in my life any way possible, even if she’s happily married, as a friend, or at least to make her human again in my deranged mind.

  53. Sydnee says:

    I want to let go so very much…I made the mistake of falling in love with a co-worker. Now, of course, it’s over. He ended it for various reasons…some I know, other’s I’m guessing at. The problem is this: I can still FEEL that he really does love me and wants to be with me. Perhaps it’s just a made up thing in my head, it probably is. It’s just so odd, because normally I would have moved on, (we were only together for less than a year and it was on and off) but with this man it’s different. Deep down inside, everytime I begin to move forward, I hear a tiny voice that says, “Hold on to hope for you both”. There is no chance, it’s just gotten wayyy too complex and even if he really does still love me, he is not mature enough to act on it in the proper way. I do have a new guy and he is great to me, I suppose I just need to keep doing what I have been and that is keeping my distance, speaking to him only as absolutely needed and to stop reliving what I miss so much about him and fantasizing that he is missing me, wanting me to come back to him. As I write this, it seems so silly because I was married for 19 yrs and still, this break up has hit me even harder than the divorce. Very confusing! All my best to everyone who is going through this. It flat out, sucks. :(

  54. Nellie says:

    Having lived with my partner for 12 years, I blamed myself for everything. Until, I realize I made the choice to leave him and move on. It was so hard, but now I am making choices for my daughter and myself. I lost all materialistic thing,but I did not let him drive me to death.

    After three years, I can think for myself and confront all that is placed in front of me and face it with strength. God, Family, Friends and my precious daughter. I thank you, for all your support. There is hope in the afterlife of a relationship. You just have to make a “choice” to move forward.

  55. Mary Lauren says:

    It’s a beautiful, pure, God centered friendship that blossoms through time and sharing on reflections about God that unconciously I realised I have grown to love and cherished this friendship. Then without any warning the person just hit me with a statement, “I realized I should not communicate with you anymore” and period. The rest is question. I am confused, what went wrong and now I still feel the pain of losing this friendship.

    I seek consolation from God that sometimes things happen for a good reason which we may not know now… but still it is very painful. And I haven’t get over the pain. Worst sometimes, nobody can understand me… I think of the other person, why can’t we talk and together decide to stop communication instead of making the other person suffer by unknowing the real cause… But I guess I can only say it to myself..

  56. Laurie says:

    Sometimes there really is nothing you can do, except let go of the person you love. I know how hard it is, especially when you don’t know exactly what went wrong or why they left you.

    Letting go is painful, but holding on may be worse.

  57. Steve Skingle says:

    I had an amazing relationship with my first love. We dated for 2 years 12 years ago. She was my first love, I was hers. After 2 years I split up with her as it just wasn’t working. I hurt her quite badly but we went on to be really good friends. Always going on holiday, always there for each other when our relationships went bad with other people and we were sleeping with each other over the years.

    Back in May this year we officially got back together. It was amazing. We re-kindled the love all over again and things were really good. Unfortunately my mum got ill and passed away in August. The stress of it made me push her away. There were times when i just flipped with the stress (Not violent), but verbally intimidating. I really thought she would stick by me but we had a huge row 2 weeks ago and now she tells me although she’s loved me for 10 years she doesn’t any longer. She doesn’t want a relationship with me and now won’t even talk to me.

    The heartbreak is incredible. She completely hates me. I can’t help but try to contact her although I know I shouldn’t. I love this girl so much and the thought of loosing 12 years of love and friendship is heartbreaking.
    I’ve lost the two closest women to me in a year, I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if there is anything I can do :'(

  58. melissa says:

    This is my story. I met a man through work seven years ago. There was a spark of interest between us right away but we were both involved with other people. He is a vendor-I am his client…we continue to have a work connection. From the moment we met in 2005, we talked with each other on the telephone several times each week-some work but more personal. In February 2010 I realized that I loved him-we had only actually been in each other’s company two times up to that point. I thought he was interested in me as well-he had a girlfriend at the time who lived with him. He insisted that things were on the rocks because she wanted things he did not want like marriage and a child. He has never been married but has twin sons from a previous relationship. Right now he is 47 and I am 44. They broke up in May-we saw wach other for most of the summer when we could-he disappeared from my life in october 2010. Literally disappeared-stopped calling, etc. I had a feeling that he reconnected with his ex but he did not admit it until January 2011. We conitnued to talk and see each other the entire time he was with her…they broke up again in May 2012-we have been seeing each other ever since but I have been scared and insecure the entire time about him-I don’t trust him at all and have questioned him about things-this annoys him. he doesn’t always answer his phone and disappears…we have been seeing each other but he doesn’t always include me in his life…but at times he does. The other day he said that being with me is like work because I am too dramatic and he cannot deal with it…said that it would have been easier to stay with his ex…he planned a trip to mexico and did not tell me about it until two days before he left…I offered to pick him up from the airport…he gave me three different airlines…I called him on it…told him that I knew he was with another girl and maybe even his ex..he denied…asked me if I was insane. I have decided to cut all contact with him but it is killing me…I cannot focus on anything else although I know that based on the things that have happened he doesn’t love me or want to be with me. I want to disappear.

  59. Justin M says:

    My fiancee recetly left me in the middle of the night while I was working. She moved back to Washington from Arizona where hshe and I have lived to be with her father who is dying of brain cancer. She told me that she left me because she was being selfish for not being in Washington and taking care of her father.

    I began therapy sessions right away trying to figure out why she did this to me. Two months later while having a full discloseure conversation she revealed to me that she left because I sad and did ean things to her. Things came as a shock because I never knew she had felt this way. She had never told me she was unahppy.

    When we fought i did say hurtfu things which i learned in my first therapy sessions is a nono. I explained to her that a lack of communication on both parts has caused a huge rift in the relationship.

    She told me taht day that she wanted to end the relationship becuase she was never going to move back to Arizona because shes happy in Washington. During the last tow months she continues to tell me tht she loves me, we are soulmates, and she wants to marry me. Im so confused what do I do?

  60. Daina says:

    It’s hard to let go especially if he lives with u in the same building. A part of me moved on, or thats what i thought, but when i saw him back with his ex girlfriend that he’s ben broken up with from two years. My heart shattered, because just 3 months we knew we still liked each other a bit, but not as much. The worst part about this is he still wants to be good friends with me,more like a brother, he talks to me, he texts me, and i sometimes get hurt when I’m around him, but other times I feel nothing towards him. I don’t know if I’m bored that’s why I need him in my life cuz he was a sort of entertainer, or if there is a small tiny part that hasn’t moved on from him.

  61. B Tatum says:

    I think the hardest thing for me right now is that he has no intention of leaving me but I know that, although I love him deeply, he doesn’t include me in his life the way I’d like to be included. How do you leave someone you love, who does not want to leave you, but the relationship is not going where you want and need it to go? We have the same off sense of humor,finish each other’s sentences, he never lets me be without anything I need, pays my bills, cheers me up, helps around the house, is wonderful with my child- but he has no intention of being anything more than what he is to me. I will never be fully included in his life. I have to leave because I want something that I know he will never provide for me. How do I let go of all of the wonderful things he is to me, with the uncertainty of ever finding anyone again who is as perfectly matched to me as he is. He gets me, loves me as I am, flaws and all. He is a beautiful human being. I don’t want to let go of all that i have with him but i know I’d be miserable without the things he will not do. Bird in the hand, two in the bush but I’m scared to let go to get what I need and deserve. There is nothing about his person I am not in love with. How do I let go?

  62. lonelyandhurting says:

    I am finding it very difficult to let go of a very connecting relationship that last two years. We talked so intimately and were so very connected. We had the issue of whether we can marry or live together, because we do have different styles. But, we hung on .. I thought and believed it better to be with him than to lose him forever. He is a huge part of me! I cannot state that enough. After he broke up with me, he clung to me more than ever. However, last week he found someone else. When he did this, I did not know it, but felt it. Felt it hard. I ended up in the ICU with a TIA!! Now, when I think of him (& I can’t stop thinking of him and have tried), my heart hurts!! really hurts and at times it will pump one hard time and feel like it’s going to explode! I have never had to let go of someone I love so much. I don’t know how. And, knowing he can easily move on hurts even more. I just don’t know what to do. The more I try to move on, the more a force greater than me holds me back.

  63. notmineanymore says:

    My ex and I broke up last year – well he broke up with me, three different times. We got along very well, loved each other, planning our future, so much in common. Problem is, he was/is very needy. (his stats: divorced twice, mom passed away, sees a therapist) If I said I love you 20 times a day, he was upset that it wasn’t 21 times. It was long distance so I always made sure to share my feelings but I guess it wasn’t enough. He got jealous over stupid things, and was angry when I didn’t get jealous of things he did (I trusted him so why be jealous?). Here is where I get upset with myself, I still miss him! Since the break up, we have kept in touch, via email/texting. We got together for a weekend earlier this year and had an amazing time, like we picked up where we left off. When the weekend ended, he became distant again. He told me he loved our time together, wanted to get together again, but then nothing. He is now dating someone new so I asked if she was the one and he said well we already broke up once so who knows. Of course it bothers me that he has a new gf in his life :( Again.. I continue texting because I still miss him. And he always texts back. He starts the conversations sometimes, but most times I do. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t tell me to stop contacting him, that he is happy, time to move on, etc. Would love feedback – just want to be able to move on since I know he really isn’t right for me – it’s just so hard when I gave so much, had so much fun, and really felt that his insecurities/history were manageable. How do I just let go?

  64. Lisa says:

    Does anyone know the saying of you never know what you have until it is gone? I do. At least now I know. But I can’t entirely blame myself because it’s not just my fault. I was with my ex for 11 months and it was on and off. We fight break up then make up. Last April he broke up with me to pursue music. I did not fight for him, why should I if hes will to let us go because of his music. And he WASN’T EVEN GOOD! I was in so much pain, I forced my self to move on. With the help of my friends and family It took me two and a half weeks to feel nothing for him. It was tortue, but i was soo proud of myself. I was happy. A few days later he texted me trying to start an arguemnt and I fed into it. I still hated him, but he fought to get me back. he didn’t realize what he had until I was gone. I was enjoying my single life, but a few weeks later we got back together. Although we were together I was still doing me. I should have just said no and let him go through the pain then to force myself to fall back in love with him. I did. I starting treating him bad because of what I turned into. It came to the point where he was just tired of hurting, that I would never go back to the old me. So he called quits again. I guess it hurt twice as hard because it was happening all over again but this time it was my fault. The tables turned on me. I fought for him, but I shouldn’t have. It was my fault for getting back with him. Now I have to fall out of love with him again. I will do it again. And there is no turning around. Women are so emotional. Men aren’t. He’s over me, now I have to get over him. And I will.

  65. Nana says:

    I was in a 4 1/2 year relationship. We went through a major issue of his not wanting to get married or move in with me. And after a few breakups we got to a place where I was okay with that. I Knew I rather have him in my life than not, even if it meant us never marrying. Then one day he told me “somethings wrong with our relationship”. And then told me what was wrong “was that we werent married or living together” by now. I dont and never will understand this. I let him go. But I know there was never anyone more right for me. It hurts to think that maybe I was not right for him. Although he never said that to me. On the contrary, he always showed me he loved me very much. Except for actually marrying me. Somethings you will never understand.

  66. Lissa says:

    Letting go is beginning to feel like such a chore for me, it’s something I feel like I’m on the curb of doing, and then I just fall a million steps back. I was best friends with my first love for two years before anything ever happened (although I began to develop feelings for him mid-friendship), but I didn’t say anything to him. I wanted him to realise for himself. He did, eventually, and everything was great for a while. It’s the only time I’ve ever let somebody really whisk me away. I lost my virginity to him, and a week later he told me he didn’t want to do it any more, that it was too hard for him to get his head around being more than friends. Not long afterwards he started persuing another woman. I felt, and still feel to an extent, used. He loved me, I know he did, but I never really got answers, and that’s the worst part. We don’t speak anymore, although I see him regularly. I lost my best friend and my first love in one go over a year ago, and I still haven’t let it go.

  67. Laurie says:

    Dear Sarah,

    Letting go of someone you love is even more difficult when you’re married to someone new, whom you don’t connect with as well as you did your ex. And, marriage is hard enough without being haunted by memories of a past love!

    I wrote this article for you:

    Did I Marry the Wrong Guy? I’m Still in Love With My Ex

    I hope it helps, and encourage you to keep writing and even talking about your feelings. Keeping it in will make things worse; talking and writing it out will help you cope with your feelings.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  68. Laurie says:

    Dear Ellie,

    The reason you’re hurt, confused, and vulnerable is because you know you’re not meant to be with this guy. He’s MARRIED, and he’s using other women in your office — he’s not just using you! He has that same connection with them as he does with you. He tells them the same things he tells you, and he’s telling his wife how much he loves her, too. He’s sick. He’s playing you women, and you’re all just rolling over for him.

    I wrote this article for you:

    How Do I Work With a Coworker I’m in Love With?

    One thing I didn’t mention in the article – maybe you should take a 2 week vacation or leave of absence. Get some distance, and try to look at your situation objectively.

    You deserve better than him.

    Sincerely,
    Laurie

  69. Unknown says:

    Me and my bf have been dating for 3 years. We are totally in love with each other. He does want to marry me, but the problem is, some girl entered into his life last year, and she wanted him badly and tried to steal him away from me, and she said she was going to ruin his life, if he didn’t talk to her. So he had to text her. I did tell him please do not tell her you love her, or call her babe, and he said ofcourse, I won’t! Then I checked his phone a few weeks later, and he told her he loved her a few times and was calling her babe? I did inform him and he just started yelling at me calling me snoopy and made me leave the room…… Days later I walk in on him on the flowers website ordering roses, I thought they were for me, turns out they were for her, with a love note on it which i found the reciept hidden in his desk. He has never done this for me! Also he bought her a $200 dollar ring… And I found the reciept also, and he said she asked him to buy it for her because she doesn’t have a credit card to order it???! I didnt believe that, sounds like a lie. This girl of course has blonde hair, now anytime I see a girl with blonde hair I get really mad, I feel as if I can’t get over it, it’s been a year since she finally wanted to break up with him. He said its about time to me but I feel like he cared alot for her. About 3 months ago behind my back he wanted to meet up with her at the gym to see how things were, i found this out because she texte him while he was sleeping and ofcourse I looked. I get so angry and upset and it starts a huge fight! We are stil together, and he says he loves me so much. More than anybody. What should I do, should I stay with him and eventually get married, should I leave him? I feel like I’ve been through so much, I’ve turned from a sweet loving caring girl, to a jealous, bitter, angry girl. I miss the old me, and I can’t find her with everything that I’ve been through. What should I do?

  70. DimandDiva says:

    I was with my first love, my childrens father, my best friend, my everything for 8 years. I stood by him when everyone else gave up on him. I believed in him when no one else cared. I married him because he said he loved me/us. I went against what everyone told me to do and said yes because my heart believed that he would be there when times got tough. I LOVED HIM. I STILL LOVE HIM. About 3 months ago he walked out on us and has not looked back. He went to be with an older woman who he says is more stable. I have been trying to think of things that I could have done differently, but I’m not sure it would have changed anything. All I know is that it hurts. I never wanted kids but he wanted a family and we have two beautiful daughters whom I love dearly. I never wanted to get married until the 6th time he asked me. I am really hurting and wish that I had an easy button to fix my broken heart.

  71. Ellie Tranton says:

    Since Janruary I have been emotionally involved with a co worker that is married. We have been physical but never sex. We totally get each other and deeply love each other. He has recently finished it with me as he has too much to lose. His wife has known for a while and his parents stated that if he left the marriage that they would no longer be there for him. He still seeks quiet time at work to see me, and I take part as I love him in a way I have never loved. He is also spending time with other females at work and this makes me so churned up. I am so hurt, confused, vulnerable. Please can someone tell me how to move on when I am faced with the above every day. We are not kids, we are 35 with very professional careers. Thank you

  72. jomer albino says:

    Thanks for the tips advices i really know what to do me and my girlfriend just broke up recently and i need to move on coz im the only one got hurt i what i need now is to rise and live a new life new start. And now what i want to do is to forget the pain and treasure our good moments when we were still together i hope he find his true love someone more better than me to take care of her all my life that we were together she’s always hurting me. And for those time i was cying all the time and she always says sorry but in the end i still forgive her coz i love her so much i dont want to leave her what i want for her is to change so we can workout our relationship and now im crying again to all of the persons here sometimes its nice to be martyr right? even if it hurts coz you dont want to leave her side even if she always hurts me i still forgive her im one of those martyrs i do anything for the sake of the relationship but this time its over what i need to let the pain go away is to let go she just broke up with me recently telling me that she’s bored to our relationship what reason ryt? well i did my part to be the best boyfriend but in the end it was me all alone left behind with a whole in my heart thanks again for the tips on how to let go the person you truly love. :’)

  73. Rayray says:

    In love but so mad and trying to force myself out of this relationship I ran to arms of an older man as I am a younger blind woman. I went straight to him right out of my divorce… He has temper and a low self esteem. He is controlling and macho. He wont change much for me and wants me to do all the changing… Its a long distance relationship and I still sit at home leashed to the telephone most of the time argueing. I am blind with a brittle case of diabetes and alot of health problems. He loves to take care of me but then sometimes makes me feel bad and guilty. (I crave his loving attention, sex and want him to take care of me but he so nasty, impacient and blows fuse and he scares me… I am falling and it hurts!

  74. toomanyregrets says:

    I’ve been crying every day since the day he left. Its been 2 months. I spent practically half of this year with him, and fell in love, but he was studying abroad here, and I knew he was going to leave, so I tried to keep my feelings at a distance. I tried to see another guy, in hopes that things would work out… and my feelings would go away. I started to like “guy b” but he wasn’t who I really wanted. the week that he left to his country, i was devastated. “guy b” even cut me off the following week… no explanation… just disappeared.

    The guy I have feelings for likes me too, but he lives in another country. We contact each other almost every day, but I feel like I’m fading from his mind and falling for other girls. Since he’s back home, being in the USA was almost like a dream to him, but for me, I’m empty… because he was taken away from my environment. I got used to him being around, and it hurts that he’s not here with me. It’s almost like grieving a death, even though I know he’s still alive and well… I miss him SO MUCH. It hurts me every day. Not just because he’s gone, but because my attention should have been only for him, and not “guy b”. I regret it and I have to live with the fact that I lost the best thing that has ever happened to me. No one has treated me as well, and cared about me as much as he has. He’s rare, and special, and I am so stupid for holding my feelings back from him while he was here. I could fly to his country and be with him, but Im still in school, and so is he… and many things can happen from now till graduation for both me and him.

    I should have brought up a plan… but I think at this point, I should just let it go. I keep getting signs (seeing things, hearing things, coming into contact with things– all having to do with his country) to visit him, but I think that maybe it’s hurting me so much, that I really need to just let him go. I love him and I will always love him… but if he finds someone there, that will make him happy. I want that for him. I want him to be happy… even if it’s not being happy with me. I just want to be happy too… </3 and I'm not.

  75. Jennifer Love says:

    I’m going through a break up that I should be happy and relieved about,I’m trying to be.it was very unhealthy ,abusive to me.so,that said,I’m still feeling the …pain of some loss.Alot actually.I guess I was in such a fantasy world that that’s what I miss,the hope…because the relationship got so bad the reality was get out! But then I would believe his sorries,take his gifts and. Cling to the fantasy that things will get better…all they got was worse. I know I’m better off,everyone that knows me knows that…so why do I miss him….well,it’s just change and I need to feel it and allow change and good things into my life…letting go..it’s not easy…but it’s possible…

  76. JoyceH says:

    I really need to let go of my daughter’s dad we been in a on and off relationship for 12 years I don’t know what else to do all I do is cry and I no longer want to cry anymore He wants to be friends for the sake of our daughter and friends I just can’t do I tried to set a schedule up so that our paths would not cross unless it’s an emergency but he want follow it. It hurts me to see him I don’t know what else to do I’m trying as hard as I can to let go :-( what can I do

    ~Joya~

  77. William says:

    I let go of someone I truly loved when I realised we weren’t on the same page. I’ve thought about and could live a future with her in it. We often talked about our future but it turns out she didn’t give us in the future a single thought; all her words were lies or unthoughtful words. Maybe she isn’t ready because she’s younger than me but then how do I let go of her because I believe if she was older all this would have worked out. Staying in the relationship was so painful due to the lack of acknowledgement but being out of it is almost as painful.

  78. Erica says:

    It’s really hard for me to let go of my ex….really hard I think its this hard for me to let go because he was my first love, my first everything. we were together for 2yrs we broke up because i found out from a old friend that he cheated on me. He tells me it isnt true I Didnt believe him so i broke up with him a month went by and i texted him and told him i wanted to work things out but he said he didnt want to because im immature i believe everyone but him and he’s not ready to jump back in Because he was so hurt when i dumped him. He doesnt want to go through that Again he wants his space and time. He Said maybe in the future we can get back together. I Want Him Back NOW And Idk What else to say to get him back ill do anything to have him back:(I dont want to give up…

  79. julia says:

    kudos!

    though most of this things are easier said than done.

    I am going thru a severe break up for the last 3 months or so and i tell its not a joke even after counting your losses.

    one remembers of the things and hell you went thru protecting such aperson. mine was an addict, drunkard and a depressed case. when no one could take him in or stand by him….i remained there without a complain but he came up with the magical want he needs a BREAK…..IT IS NOT EASY BUT GOD PUTS YOU THRU IT AND OUT OF IT!!!!!!!!!! WHICH BOOK CAN I USE?

  80. JamesW says:

    @rathernotsay – I’m there with you on that. I’ve been hurt by a really close friend who I ended up having an affair with and because in the end she couldn’t handle what we had done she no longer speaks to me. It is hard and I feel hurt by the things she said to me and the way I was cut out of her life but I accept it now and try to focus on the good memories only. Moving on is the hardest thing to do but it is the only way.

  81. Rathernotsay says:

    I have to let go of someone that is now letting go of me. Originally he’d be showering me with attention, always there for me, cared for me a lot.. But I took him for granted, and now we don’t speak anymore let alone see each other. I feel heartbroken but have learnt to always appreciate everyone who loves you regardless of who they are, and never take anyone for granted. Despite missing this guy, I know that we aren’t meant to be so I’m in a position where I need to try my best to move on.

  82. Sarah says:

    Hi, I am having a lot of trouble letting go I just got married 6 months ago and though I haven’t cheated on my husband and nor do I want to, I’m having thought of did I marry the wrong guy. I’m still in love with my ex we were together four years and had way more connection then me and my husband do.. I feel guilt all the time.. Me and my ex were very young I know he feels the same our lives just went different ways.. I was in a bad place and felt like I had to marry my husband to get out of trouble I felt like I owed it to him. Thanks for listening I have never told anyone this

  83. Claudia says:

    How do you let go of someone that you love and he says he loves you and misses you,but can’t be with you because his kids threaten to leave him,because they have been brainwashed by their mother!
    Me and this men shared a loving relationship that was so loving,we shared same interests and loved each others company,but because he so scared of losing his kids we broke up.
    It’s so heart breaking to let go when you know that it felt right,he was my soulmate.
    It hurts but I have to let go as I know deep down if he really loved me he would have fight for us.
    I have been supporting and cared a lot for this men,took his kids like there were mine and then from one day they like me to the next they hate me!
    I’m so sad to have to let go of so ething that could have been good :(

  84. JamesW says:

    @Danielle, well done to you. We are all human and at times, even though we love the person we’re with, we will all go through phases where we are attracted to others, we wonder “what if”, and in many cases we act on it, in others we do not. The main thing though is that we apologise (even sub-consciously) to the ones we love or have hurt, and move on. We take control of our own happiness and move on. And you are right. Over time it becomes easier. I had an affair with my best friend whom I had known previously as a buddy for three years. It was awkward, even during the affair, but we were attracted and eventually succumbed to our desires. Now it is over, not on good terms, and we are no longer friends. I have forgiven myself and I have forgiven her for how I perceive she hurt and treated me. Without doing that I would be wallowing in misery but after saying everything I had to say to her over a period of 3 months in email, I sent her a card last week and basically said ‘thank you’ for having known her and wishing her well. I can now move on, looking back only on the good memories I have of her. I needed to forgive her but also myself in order to be able to do that.

  85. Danielle says:

    @james….its exactly what i have started to do…take control of my life…When I need to cry I cry…but am finding i am doing it less and less. My husband is a very forgiving man. I am not saying we are alright by any means at all, but he is talking to me and being kind, tho i expect him to express his feelings to me soon. I am ready for that, ready for him to get angry, sad, frustrated, whatever it takes. We still may not reconcile and that is ok too but at least he is getting the opportunity to get things off his chest and to ask me all the whys he needs to. I on the other hand am dealing with things in my own way. I have completely terminated all and any contact with said person, I have completely deleted the program i had met the person on line with, I have prayed and pretty much was grief stricken because I had to face some truths about my own self…But I am human and Do think about “him” and how to let go of “him”….I think once I can figure out who I really am and what I really want….I will be able to move on.

  86. James W says:

    @Devastated, @Robin, @Krystal – how do you get over this and move on? You need to be thankful for what you have that’s good in your life and get up tomorrow and start getting busy doing other things. Waiting for something to happen or for your ex to come back may never happen. You are in control here. Start taking control of your own happiness without depending on someone else to do it for you.

  87. Devastated says:

    I had an affair of the heart with someone I met online, whom I thought I could trust. I talked to this person intimately for three and a half months and fell in love with him….so in love with him. He was supposed to meet me in real life so we set up a date, He was coming to be with me. Then I find out through a message on my cellphone that he was actually a she…She used voice morph, had me totally fooled. Anyway, I forged ahead, even tho i never had a relationship with a woman because i was so in love with this person I decided to give it a try. We didn’t last three weeks because I could not get past the lies and was always looking for him. So I let her go. My question is…..How the hell are you supposed to let go of something that didn’t exist??! I keep telling myself that he does not exist in life, that he could just be a dream and I should just let go, but my heart still thinks he is real. So I am suffering a loss much like a death. How do I let go of that? I have really good days and really bad ones too just like the rest of you. OH, and I left a 14 year marriage for this non existent person also. I am such a fool and feel so used and so stupid for even trusting this person. I am destroyed by betrayal and lies……

  88. krystal says:

    I am going through some ruff times me and my bf have been together a year and six months and has not been easy from the get go we got engaged and moved to his home town and he changed
    I am 26 he’s 21 and I have a 5 year old child not his
    I do stupid things like post how I’m feeling on media sites and he seen one status and msged me that he’s coming to pack and leave and we do this very often he will leave for a week and come back he makes me dwell in what I did wrong but its how can I stop him from leaving and tell him if he communicated withg me I wouldn’t need to post how I’m feeling yes I admidt what I did was wrong and this isn’t my first time doing I don’t get why I keep making the same mistake its like I’m lashing out and hurting and no one is listening or don’t care I love this man with all my heart he is only man who’s been in my sons life so its killing me inside we have a home we have pets together etc and suppose toi married in april I know it all sounds messed. Up oh it is but I truely wanna fix it and stay together :(

  89. Robin says:

    This is the second time my ex and I have seperated. We have a 4 and a 6 yr old together. The breakup was partly my fault and at fist the seperation felt like a good thing, but know it just hurts. We have been seperated for 2 1/2 months now and not but a few weeks after I moved out he became friends with an older women. She comes down every weekend to see him. Knowing that he has a new “friend” as he calls her really hurts. I just want to let go and not hurt anymore, but i just dont know how to let go. Not being able to let feels like it is destroying me.

  90. Hadley says:

    Just needed to vent and found this site.. I had been back and forth with my ex for some time. We have a young daughter together – she is almost two. Each time, I know it’s not a good idea, yet I take him back thinking maybe “this time” will be different.

    The last time, I really did feel like it was going so well for about 4 months, then it all changed. He still came around for his regular visits to our daughter (he typically comes to my place to visit her 2X a week in the mornings on his way to work) but we did not do any “family” things anymore like dinners together or him sleeping over at my place, etc..

    I asked him what has been going on, why he’s distanced himself. He wouldn’t give me a straight answer, then eventually admitted that he was “dating” someone else. That was about a month ago. I have seen pictures of him with her through random social media sites and it literally ripped my heart out. I know I need to move on and not be around when he comes to see our daughter but it is so hard. I am trying to be strong for my daughter. One day I will feel great and take a step forward, then the next day I will take two steps back. I wish I could make the pain I feel go away.

    I mainly feel like an idiot to think things would be different that time or even that he really did love me at all. Turns out, I was just one of many in his books.

  91. James W says:

    @Renee
    It’s only Wednesday since it happened and I know that seems like a lifetime but maybe what you both need right now is a little space. You can bet he’s thinking about you too. I’m no expert but being with someone isn’t always easy and falling out / breaking up is all part of the deal. If you still want him send him a card (I wouldn’t text or email) because the card will surprise him and keep it simple – “I’m sorry” “I do love you” “I miss you” “Can we talk?”. The one thing I have learnt (the hard way) is to say your feelings with confidence, not pain or hurt. Appear and look strong in what you say and keep your dignity and self-respect. Remember that there’s two people in this and that you also deserve to be heard and respected.

  92. Reneé says:

    My boyfriend and I just broke up on wensday it’s so hard to talk bout it right he said some really harsh tongs like that if I’m mad at him then I don’t really care about his feelings. And I’m not just thinking of the good times I’m thinking of the bad times as well. It is just so hard to let go I feel as though I will never find anyone that loved me and looked at me as he did. I mean it’s just so hard. I wish we could work things out but I don’t know. I want to because I want him to understand that I do care about his feelings and want him to understand how I feel right now as well. What can I do?

  93. James says:

    Me and my partner haven’t broken up yet as such. But earlier I thought she was close to doing so. But in all fairness, i feel as though it’s all my fault. I’m that sort of guy who’s really over sensitive, who cares a tad to much you could say. I take a lot out on her. I’m over protective, and always worry in case anything happens between us. But this relationship hasn’t been the most easiest. She lives in Scotland, where as i’m in England. It’s a tough time. And in turn I end up worrying too much. She’s been kissed by three lads at partys while we’ve been together, and she even admited to a friend at a party if she was drunk she wouldn’t be able to control herself basicly. This is why I don’t know what to do. I broke down earlier, thinking she was going to leave me, because she said she can’t handle how protective I am. Am I a bad person? I don’t know. I seem to desperate, but please, someone, help?

  94. heartbroken. says:

    lately i have been missing her so much i feel lyk im going crazy,lyk my heart is so heavy it lyk im gona explode i dnt knw wht to do anymore nt 2mic her dis much i even snt her msg and called her and i made things worse nw she has even blocked me every way she could ive lost all contact wth her i feel lyk ive done some kind of a crime nw.oh God how i love her its not even funny anymore and i want 2let her go bt i jst i tnk i cnt imagine lyf wthout her and i feel so foolish for bieng so desperate. I want 2let her go i hav 2.

  95. WhiteHeart says:

    Uhh thank you for the tips but its not working with me i cant forget him i always think about him & now i prefer to be single cuz i cant be with a guy and my heart belongs to another one :”( i wish if i didnt know you Johnny.

  96. James says:

    @Heartbroken, @Rosanna, @Kim…time heals everything, I know it does. What surprises me is both the hardness of the human heart sometimes but also the kindness. What makes people change to be so cold and unfeeling is so difficult to understand. We are all human and everyone is capable of love, forgiveness and kindness.

  97. S antique says:

    Thanks… I feel much better now even though it was my only true love. Had many before but this was true…

  98. Lifeisurgent says:

    @Rosanna – the fact that you believe in yourself and that you deserve that someone special is the key. Never doubt this and give up hope. Be patient and the rest will follow. Also make sure you make some changes and maybe even take some risks. E.g. Start a new hobby, or see if you can find a new group of interest, e.g. On meetup.com. Get out of your comfort zone somehow and don’t think about that special someone anymore. He will appear once your focus has shifted.
    About me: married for 21 years, 5 year old child. I am an immigrant in the country i live with no family. My husband is an only child, his parents live in another town. We both work with a almost non existence support network. I have always found it hard to make good friends in this country, but believe that I am a great person to have in ones life. My husband is ok, we love each other but are more like flatmates. We have a high mortgage on an unfinished house. Our lives are just going through the motions of daily routines. We have cashflow issues which limit us and for years we have had little money to spend on fun stuff and adventures. Our lives are boring, sex hasnt happened for years and when i try to tell him how i feel he invalidates my feelings and dreams i still have. I dislike him for neglecting me emotionally and his tactless responses to my feelings. I stopped telling him about myself. Most days i feel that life is like sand falling through my fingers. To leave this life is difficult as i have no support in terms of helping with childcare. My husband is also a shiftworker which adds another dimension to childcare arrangements. Our child also goes to a private school (a decision we made when we thought my husbands promotion was going to happen this year, but may still take quite some time now – a mistake in hinesight). To leave i would need to sell an unfinished house (he would refuse as too much money lost), put our son into a public school (big changes for him) and i would be a solo parent in a foreign country with no support network juggling a full time job. Its hard. I dont know what to do, but always believe i am a great person to know or love and maybe one day i will see a door that i can go through that will give me a new life with special people (or that one) who truly cares about me even when i struggle. Its the skill thats missing in many people to listen, care and give.
    May that one big dream come true for YOU, Rosanna.

  99. kim says:

    I’m going through a recent breakup with a boyfriend. He completely changed on me . Hes the person he said he would never be come .. its hard getting over it . Soon. He’s leaving for college and I don’t know how I’m gonna take it. I see depression ahead.

  100. James says:

    the thing to remember is that you tried and she wasn’t forgiving enough to listen to you or feel your pain and give you a little closure. Let her go now my friend. Everything heals with time. You will look back and be stronger for it and learn to cope with it next time if it should happen again. Maybe she just wasn’t the one for you. You sound like a good guy with a good heart. Lend your heart to someone else now and move on. Good luck.

  101. Rosanna says:

    the hardest thing for me to do is let go of my ex husband who has moved on so swiftly he had an affair had a child and married his mistress. I am left alone empty with two kids and no one to love me. I was with this man for 19 years and really thought we were happy until 4 years ago when I caught him….my world was shattered. I cant get why i havent met that someone special who loves me and only me I am not ugly looking am intelligent and yet nothing i just want it to be my turn…….sigh

  102. heartbroken. says:

    @james i knw exactly wht u tlkng abwt when u talk abwt jst wntng some closure,even me it’s the same thing i jst wntd some closure bt she jst gave me the silent treatment and dat really hurt when u try 2tel someone how u feel and how much u are hurting bt they jst ignore u stl and they seem nt 2giv a damn and u start wondering if they ever cared about u at all.da problem wth lettng these loved ones go is dat there is always a hope dat they wil change and be da person we used 2knw and the memories u have of them make it even harder and even when u try 2tnk of negative memories dat 2doesnt help at all becoz u love even their imperfections u jst simply mic everytng abwt them and u c that if they cud give u some closure it would realy be better yeah ey i understand where u cumng 4rm lets jst try 2tyk it day by day although they might always be in our hearts bt the pain wil lessen u not alone.

  103. James says:

    The other thing to remember is that maybe she’s not worth it. Like my ex-best friend who knows I’m hurting and missing her and doesn’t have the manners or the heart to contact me and say “hey for ole time sake I just want you to know that I’m glad we were friends” maybe your lady isn’t worth crying over. Mine certainly isn’t. Why do either of us want or even need to know someone who can’t open up their heart and show a little compassion? The reason is they have hurt our pride and our dignity, that’s why. We just need to let go and accept that not all things can be fixed. I wish you well.

  104. James says:

    Man there’s nothing you can do about this. I’ve realised this myself. She probably looks at me the same way i.e. who is this weirdo? what happened to the confident guy I chased after? Now he’s desperate and chasing after me. I don’t want her back as a lover, I just want to square things off and get closure. I’m not pining for her, I’m just annoyed at how it turned out and how it could not be fixed in a nice civil way. When you share stuff with someone for so long and then they just cut you off it’s hard. The thing I have learnt about this is that people think in different ways. You are hurting and she doesn’t care. Like me who is trying just to accept that this is the way it is, I think you need to do the same and move on. Not easy I know…

  105. James says:

    I’m married but I had a an affair with my best friend. She broke it off eventually although we both struggled to end it finally. I know I did wrong by cheating but it just happened and we trusted each other. Now my best friend makes no contact, does not respond to me at all in email or text, and I just want her to know that I am sorry if I have possibly hurt her by some of the follow up things I said when I tried to contact her. I miss her desperately as a friend, not as a lover, but the last few contacts were very strained with her threatening to block me etc. Why is it that we just can’t forget about what happened and make peace, just for old times sake? I feel deeply hurt by her attitude to me, as if I never existed. Every time I think I’m over this it comes back to me and I start feeling helpless. I just want to make peace and move on but she won’t let me. Given that she does not respond to me at all what else can I do now to get closure and move on?

  106. heartbroken. says:

    im in the same situation i feel lyk ive been broken into a million pieces i try to mend our relationship bt it myks me luk desperate and im sure she thnks im crazy right now and it only makes things worse coz shes pullng further and further away frm me and that really hurts coz when i tnk of lettng go of her i feel lyk a part of me is dying everytym i try 2imagen my lyf without her i jst break into tears thnkng how am i gona do dat .i knw i made a mistake bt ive apologised so may times bt stil i cnt seem 2get through to her ,i hav even expressed my feelings so nakedly to her thnkng she’d understand bt it jst myks things worse and i hurt even more.i jst wntd 2b a part of her life bt no she wnt let me.nw i jst wnt to move on bt it seems so hard bcoz the more shez pulling away from me it seemz lyk shez pulling me 2her even more and the more i mic her i try to talk 2her to myk thngs better between us so atleast i cud be in her lyf and me2 id be able 2let go of her on my own term nt lyk dis coz it nt easy tellng my mind 2stop lvng her when my heart still does and it affecting me accademically coz im a student it lyk im going crazy myclf i cnt thnk straight everytime i c sumthng cute or little bby i cry coz it reminds me of her she liked bby7 and used2be so sweet bt nw i dnt knw wht werent wrng i feel so angry at myclf 4bieng so desperate for her im sure im a joke to her 4bieng so desperate i dnt knw wht to do coz i love her so much i cnt even get mad at her i really wnt 2 move on nw.

  107. Caleb says:

    My girlfriend Angelica is the greatest thing/person in the history of history. And I want to die next to her. My life is Angelica. Ever since we first started going out. It was perfect. I am incomplete without her. She was my first true love and I KNOW she is my last. We hurt eachother a lot because was have some big egos. But I don’t know what comes ahold of me sometimes. When she leaves me. I feel who I truely am and how I truely want to be with her. If only I’d feel the pain all the time. That way i’d treat her good all the time. She’s the love of my life and she may not think she’s beautiful but she takes my breath away. I will die loving her and God knows that, that’s a promise I will never break. 7/4/11 Forever like we said. I don’t know if you meant it. But I did. And if you don’t ever come back. Just know that I never meant to hurt you. I really did care about you. I still do. I care too much I’d say. You drive me crazy you stupid little xD We always talked like that to eachother in playful ways sometimes. I love you Angie. Forever! I’ll marry you in my dreams! I hope you forgive I am shit without you. I will forever be alone without you. And no one and nothing will ever compare to you. I love you mi amor <3

  108. i love my bestfriend says:

    it is just so hard to let go of someone..he is my bestfriend…i fell inlove with him but there are a lot of complicated situations around us that we need to break up..we tried being friends again but it just so hard for me to move on..pretend that we are friends again but deep in my heart i still love him..he is my only friend and letting him go kills me..but being with him only gets matters worst..i just wish letting go is the right decision for me..i treasure our friendship but im tired of heartaches too..

  109. helplessbrother says:

    She is a great person. Always willing to help, always feels for other person, always ready to put other before self. Went through lots of pain recently because of breakup with a long marriage. We were close, probably one sided, were I was trying hard to keep her happy. Although not at blood relation, I always looked and cared for her as younger Sis. As a brother was trying to protect and help her get through this breakup that was horrible thing to happen. She perhaps never understood my care and concern for her. She started taking my suggestions in a wrong sense. One day all of sudden she told me that she needs a break from me. Break from a brother why? what was wrong that I did. My suggestion was not to rebound too quickly and heal first. I use to get very annoyed when she tried to get solace from quick rebound. All I wanted her was to grieve for a while, heal a bit, and then jump into new relationship. But perhaps it was not understood correctly, or our relationship was not strong enough that I could convince her. Now she is in my prayers everyday, and I hope that god helps her find the right way. She is extremely talented, and if she can wisely heal herself over next 5-6 months, there is nothing that she cannot achieve. Lv u sis, take care…..since you have decided to move on, I want to move on too…..will miss you….and Thanks for everything, and sorry for any mistakes that I might have committed or caused you pain. be happy…..

  110. Laurie says:

    Helping hand,

    Thank you so much for the help you’re offering! Letting go of someone you love is easier when you know you’re not alone, when someone like you is there to help.

    I posted your tips for letting go in an article on my Love & Relationships blog, because they were too good to get lost in the comments section!

    Here it is:

    How to Heal From an Email Break Up – A Man’s Perspective

    Would you like me to let you know if someone comments or asks a question on that article? Or, you could just swing by it every few days if you’d like.

    Also – I’m very sorry things didn’t work out with your wife. Letting go of love – and the dream of a happy, secure, long-term marriage – is one of the most painful things we can experience. It changes us forever, in both positive and negative ways.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  111. Helping hand says:

    @ Shattered Soul

    In a way, there is another similarity. You mention that you were at fault for something and never did it again.

    You see, when my wife had the affair, I asked her to leave. I still loved her and asked her to come back. She tried to make it up to me and regain my trust, I couldn’t accept it fully. But now that she has left me, I see that it must have been very difficult for her as well when she was trying to regain my trust. She really put in a sincere effort and put her work on the back burner. The only problem is that it was very difficult for me to recover from what had happened. It’s not easy when you are cheated on, it takes a long time to recover and it can’t be patched up very quickly. By the way, I don’t know what you were at fault for and am not implying that you cheated on your wife.

    Ever since she left me, I have told her that it was a good idea she did. We needed a break. It gave me the chance to realize how much she tried to regain my trust. I never hear from her or get any emails (~8 months), so I don’t know if she’s continuing the affair, or just focusing on getting a major project finished. The project has been a huge burden on her.

    Shattered Soul, I think you may have been treated like how I, unfortunately, treated my wife. I may have played the “victim” at times even when I apologized to her. Thanks for posting, because it gives me some additional perspective into how my wife may have felt.

  112. Helping hand says:

    Another thing. I know a married couple with kids that are still living together, but are “separated”. So you can try to arrange something like that if you want so that it is easier on your children. Sleep in separate bedrooms, have different schedules, etc. It might aggravate the problem though. But it is something to consider. He might find comfort in your support and continue in his ways, or it might be hard on the kids because of the tension. Just discuss the option.

    Definitely also discuss the option of just trying to work things out slowly without separation. Try to see if he is willing to slow down the decision making process, so that you both can carefully consider the options.

  113. Helping hand says:

    @Ploughing Through

    I don’t know how much advice I can give, but I am certainly learning a bit from your situation. I’m still attached to my wife who had an affair, but am ever so slowly removing that attachment. It comes and goes, but deep inside I still want my wife again.

    Before I give you my suggestion, please know that I’m not a professional or anything. If you haven’t already, try going to counseling together. If that didn’t work, my advice, perhaps you should let him know that you also want some space from him, politely. In many relationships, there is a pusher and a puller, which is not necessarily a bad thing, and the roles switch during the relationship. Maybe you need to be the pusher this time, and get some space between the two of you. He may need to sort out his issues, and realize that he’s losing a loving, level headed and responsible person. When he realizes that (if he hasn’t already), he might clean up his act. Of course, it won’t happen overnight and it could take months, if not years.

    You might want to ask yourself, what is making you still want him? Does he complete you in specific aspects of your life where you are weak, be it emotional, mental, etc? Perhaps time apart would help each of you to strengthen yourselves in those areas independently, that way, if you two come back together, you aren’t leaning on each other harmfully.

    When I explained my situation to others, some of them told me to get out of the relationship, and that I was a fool to not have let my wife go earlier. Be cautious, because they don’t know the internals of the relationship. The two of you obviously got together initially because something worked back then, ask yourself what has changed and why. There are many external influences/pressures, be it alcohol, work, financial pressures, family, etc. Try figuring out how you could take a break from those stresses as well. I used to try and be a perfectionist, which can be very stressful, but it can really help when you learn to let go and learn to keep yourself happy.

    I was sent this link, it might help you out:
    http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/172/

    By the way, I also had a similar vacation issue where my wife didn’t consider how much it would hurt me that she was going with her friends to where we had gone for our honeymoon without me. We’re not alone.

    I wish you all the best. Take a time out, maybe watch a comedy movie with the kids, play a board game, anything that makes you happy. You have full control of the state of your mind, try to control the pain and switch your train of thought. Listen to some uplifting music and dance with the kids!

    You take care okay, and good luck tomorrow!

  114. Plowing Through says:

    I don’t know why I’m posting. I really already know the answers to my own situation…I just am disabled by the pain of it. Tomorrow my husband I are meeting, I guess for him to tell me the marriage is over. we’ve been separated for 7 months with a lot of his avoidance/withdrawal, my chasing…and then finally, a couple months ago, some same page re-building. He said three weeks ago he was giving notice at his rental and coming home. We started sharing w/our family and two kids that we were trying to work things out. Well in the past 10 days, it’s all changed. He took our 10 year old on a week’s vacation vacation well out of state with another family, dear friends of ours. It was our family vacation for the summer but I bailed on it around Christmas when I learned of a second affair. In Jan. I asked my husband not to go on the trip, since it was our family vacation, we were trying to repair things, it was over July 4th and my birthday and it was unfair they go, when I lost my vacation days from work and could not get them back. My husband insisted they go, not wanting to disappoint the other family or our son. I was not as important a consideration, nor was reuniting the family, making a grand gesture. So when they returned, the day after my birthday, 10 days ago, we were barely speaking because I struggled w/being “left behind”. My husband is intolerant of these feelings and instead of reassuring me, trying to hear me on it, he said we can “never gain traction” and at this point, we just need to go our separate ways and be happy apart. My husband had an emotional affair 6-7 years ago from which we limped along afterwards. Then 18 mos. ago he entered a world-renowned out-patient treatment center, as he’s a high-functioning alcoholic. He’s always minimized the effect of that addiction on our marriage. I thought the alcohol was the magic button; if it was fixed, it would all be fixable. He also has conflict avoidance, some narcissism, OCD (mild now, severe as a child). During his treatment he & another patient began an emotional affair and culminated in a sex act. Her husband posted the information on my facebook page at Christmastime and what came afterwards was the revelation that he’s a sex addict, mainly on-line porn and such. I made him leave on 12/26. I’ve known it was an issue but not to the extent that it became. He is not interested in physical sex or a relationship, he wants sexting, no contact, no intimacy and certainly no love/connection. So we’ve been struggling through, up and down, back and forth. I was back to therapy, church group, on line partners of addicts support group, etc… dotted all my i’s and crossed my t’s. I’m actually much better off after doing that work and I’m a woman with her act pretty much together. I believe in my wedding vows and I knew he had issues when we married. I just thought I guess I could save him. I almost lost myself in 24 years of marriage. So now, with this last recent vacation debacle, things have hit the skids. He’s back to not returning texts, making promises about phone calls that don’t come, making promises about helping w/the administrative part of our family (I have the kids, am in the house…doing it all; he’s present/participates in no upkeep, bills/money management, nothing). He wants to meet tomorrow and has alluded to just needing to make a move. I am having such a hard time of it, I can barely function the last 10 days. I cannot believe we were back together, he was moving back and I have a hard time w/the vacation I am left out on because of his affair. I cannot believe he has put me through this but more I cannot believe I let myself trust and love him again. And worst of all, I am practically begging him to not give up. Why? I’ve been the giver all these years, he’s the taker. I get pushed to my emotional breaking point when he totally ignores me and takes no responsibility. It’s affecting my kids, my emotional health. I need to let go but I don’t seem to be able to. I am a complete disaster inside. Immobilized by pain and fear. Any suggestions? Any calming tips for my meeting tomorrow a.m.? I feel like I’m on the verge of a complete breakdown. Help?

  115. Shattered Soul says:

    @Helping Hand

    Reading your post, it sounds like we are very similar in character. At one point I allowed myself to get angry against my ex because that was her defense mechanism against me. That just isn’t my personality. I tried sometimes to get angry about things in the past to help me deal with it but it only last about a day if that long and I feel apologetic.

    I also seem to only remember the positives and seem to not think about the times I felt “unfairly treated” and blame myself. I was at fault for one thing definitely. I apologized and never did it again and that was almost two years ago. I seem to forget the things that my ex apologized for but she kept doing them over and over which negated the apologies and on top of that, blaming me for her actions. Despite that, I feel the same as you in that I would still be willing to try and work things out with her if she changed but the fact is she doesn’t see where she needs to.

    I should realize something that I told her after being together for a year which was no matter what I do, it won’t be enough and it won’t change how she acts. It will always be a one way street.

  116. Lori says:

    I found email my husband sent to a few women. It must have been some type of online site where you meet women from another country (Latvia). They were telling him what a great guy he is, etc.I confronted him and he said they were like penpals and then added that they “weren’t real”. I told him they were very real people and so am I. After that I searched his name and the word “Latvia” and discovered a Facebook-type site with some posts from him greeting happy birthday to 3 women. None of these posts and email sounded overtly like an affair but it’s uncomfortable to me anwyay. I asked him if the emails stopped but he didn’t really say. Recently, over the last 2 years he’s been going away for longer periods of time. It started for a weekend then it became a week and half. He’s a musician and he says that he knows people in a bordering state that he plays with. In January he was away for what was supposed to be a week and he was gone for a total of 3 weeks. Also he was hard to get a hold of (he said bad cell service). He just did it again – supposedly going for 6 days gone for 2 weeks then he returned and went away again. The tough part is that I’m the breadwinner. He makes a few hundred dollars a month. We have a shared bank account. I don’t see his credit card bills only the total amount paid out. He rushed us into renewing passports last summer saying we could go on vacation. In January when he was away for 3 weeks I notice his passport was missing (he had it). He said he went up to Canada with his musician friends. I never saw his passport. Now he says its lost. I asked that he keep it with mine that’s when he said it was lost. I’m depressed to the point of developing health issues.

  117. Kate says:

    Hi, helpinghand, your comments were amazing, my husband of 20 years left me this January telling me there was nothing between us anymore as he walked out the door not a word since, he is an alcoholic I thought he was having a breakdown, found out two months later he had moved in with a married woman who owned the pub he drank in,she left her husband and daughter, he has had no contact with our three children and no financial support, just like a loved up teenager going on holidays and weekends away. I have found the lies so hurtful, I am trying to be positive for our children, the house is happier without him, no more fear but I just cant figure out why and I cant get him out of my head. I dont want him back but boy does it hurt, some days better than others, this site is really good thanks

  118. Helping hand says:

    Hi, I’m a guy that is also going through emotional struggles. I was in a relationship for 13 years, married for 5, and found out that my wife had been cheating on me after the first 2 years of marriage. I tried to make things work and have her stop. It happened again and I asked her to leave, but then tried to work things out with her.

    It’s been 8 months now since she left me after sending me just an email, but I’m finally starting to heal a bit. The first months were quite harsh, the constant loops of depression, blaming myself, etc.

    To be honest, I still want her back. I guess I’m still guilty of dwelling on all the positives of the relationship, but I’ve tried to force myself to remember the negatives. It helps occasionally, but I don’t find it a positive way to heal myself. I don’t like using anger in that way either. For those of you that are in a similar situation, it might help to remember the bad parts of the relationship and possible get angry, but use that anger effectively, like during exercise.

    By the way, someone commented that men are wired differently than women. I agree to a certain extent, but have to say that I hope it wasn’t intended that all men desire sex over love. Personally, there is no value in sex if there isn’t a solid relationship based on love first. Love holds much more value.

    Here are some things that helped me, even though I’m still suffering, and in no particular order:

    -Yes, read some self help books. I was never the type to do so, but it does help, so take the initiative and do it. Read some in a pleasant environment out of your house if you think you can control any tears that may result. I mention some of the books I have read below.

    -Occasionally remove yourself from the environment where you and your partner used to hang out most, such as the bedroom or living room. Perhaps stay with your friends, parents, or other family members. Do so in long durations, it will truly help.

    -Open up your most deepest feelings of pain with your friends/family even if you don’t think they are ready or willing to hear them. Sometimes, when they see how much pain you are suffering, they automatically realize that they need to support you rather than impose their opinions of you or your partner. It also helps them grow and mature their relationships.

    -Exercise! Do things that you enjoy, like hiking, biking, cycling or starting a new sport.

    -Take some time to just sit and meditate. I used to go out for late night runs, and sit out under a clear night sky, close my eyes, and just trust the world to not harm me. It’s quite rewarding!

    -Meet up with a lot of friends, old and new, even if they are of the opposite gender. I’m not advising that you immediately look for a new relationship; instead, meet people of the opposite gender to almost survey them and all the different personalities, lifestyles, and perspectives. It can really be a growing experience.

    -Help others. When you take the time to help others, it can be a very positive distraction and you’ll feel good about yourself. You can help a friend move apartments, help at a religious group, food bank, or just be an ear to someone else in pain.

    -Re-evaluate your job. Perhaps it was the job that caused issues in your relationship, or it may have suppressed your confidence. Consider quitting, or taking a leave of absence. Remember, you only have a certain amount of time on this earth, and you are the only person that has full control of it!

    -If you have troubles with immediate family, try to sort it out during this time of separation. Bring it all out in the open. A good book to read is “Family Ties that Bind” by Dr. Ronald Richardson. Another book that might help, is “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho.

    -Remember the Serenity Prayer:

    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    Living one day at a time;
    Enjoying one moment at a time;
    Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
    Taking, as He did, this sinful world
    as it is, not as I would have it;
    Trusting that He will make all things right
    if I surrender to His Will;
    That I may be reasonably happy in this life
    and supremely happy with Him
    Forever in the next.
    –Reinhold Niebuhr

    -Make sure you know that the healing process is a slow one that you can only do it at your own pace. The first months will be very intense, but don’t ever give up. Don’t think that it is taking too long, take your time and don’t let people push you in to doing things that don’t jive with your inner self. At the same time though, be open to new things if they pose no harm.

    -If you can’t sleep at night, something a very good friend told me to do was, “Let God take over the night shift”

    I hope you all well in the future and that the universe rewards us all with lessons of growth and happiness.

  119. Misunderstood says:

    I’m a guy who’s had a traumatic upbringing left now in my mid 20’s with no family & little friends.

    6 years ago I had a relationship with a woman who herself had traumas growing up.

    The relationship ended, for a year I tried re kindling the relationship, emailing, texting and calling etc. almost obsessively… When I made the decision to move on I did, she then came back to me a couple of times but I kept on moving on. Then a prior ex came back into my life which I let go stupidly due to liking someone else who I didn’t know with someone else liking me.

    Years on I like someone new, tried asking her out for a coffee, (she said maybe) Then a week later I kinda cancelled as she said she was busy for a few more weeks.

    I thought, I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes with this one as the lady years before so I made a choice not to email her and try and talk to her around others…

    I think she is smart, funny, great looking but I lost my confidence… socially I have nothing & unintentionally I burned out, trying to get to know her, whilst at same time chatting to others…

    It’s got to a point now where I really like her, I don’t think she knows I like her, publicly I have embarrassed myself around her trying to get to know her & me realizing that I have little confidence socially anyway, being open about my thoughts and feelings to anyone who asks…

    I sense that she is leaving & everything I have tried has been more to annoy than anything else…

    Am I a disaster who’s destined to be single forever, never being able to get to know someone or be an encouragement?

  120. Shattered Soul says:

    @Janice

    Don’t think you did anything wrong for expressing your desire to be with him. Believe me, if he wanted to be with you then he would express it in the same manner.

    Don’t say that if you were your ex that you wouldn’t want to be with you either. The truth is that you wouldn’t have to work as hard as you did to try and be with him. This is coming from a guy’s point of view. You did all you could do.

    I went through the times where I was pushed very early in my previous relationship. I had already been hurt but I did as much as I could or my heart would allow. My feelings weren’t ever as important as my ex’s and whatever I felt was an argument because it made her accountable but her feelings were feelings that I were neglecting in some way or another and it was always my fault. Even when there was a sorry from her, it was more of the “victim” than sincerity and I always walked away feeling the same before the I tried to express my feelings. I always felt as if it was something I did even when I knew it wasn’t but I didn’t want to argue so I tried to deal with it. No matter what, even when she said sorry, I was still somehow at fault. It is as simple as if he wanted to be with you then your efforts would have been recognized. Anything else is simply a game. If someone wants to be with you then there is no such thing as pushing them away. Anyone who says that is someone who isn’t sure about who they want to be with. They have other options that they are entertaining and don’t have to face the reality of their own actions for making you feel how you do and it is easier for them to go elsewhere and not face it than to own up or “man up” and hold themselves accountable. There will be a guy who appreciates that you “fight” to be with them and will not make you feel wrong for expressing your feelings and will allow you to do so just as they do and there isn’t an argument that occurs from it.

  121. Janice says:

    @ Banana Bread: Your ex sounds just like mine. Completely enraptured with himself and his fancy lifestyle. But inside, he is a ball of insecurity and has to wash his brain with alcohol to make himself feel better. He gets wasted every single weekend without a failure. Also keeps in touch with his ex-girlfriends as fall-back options. Since he thinks I am not as useful as I used to be and won’t be like his ex-girlfriends, welcoming him whenever he comes back for a dinner and sex, he decided to simply stop talking to me and disconnect me.

    My story is not much more different than any other people’s here. Emotionally abusive boyfriend, continuous manipulation and vicious cycles of being used then reconciled with sweet words and so-called self-repent. Throughout the whole vicious cycle, which went on for a year, I did everything that I am told not to do. I chased, tried to convince, begged and never addressed the real problem for the fear that he would leave me again and cut me out of his life. And I told myself that I did all those because I loved him but maybe I just couldn’t accept getting dumped or being alone or simply let go. And I am also not certain that if I should regret the things I did. Somehow I feel like it is okay to chase in a sense that you want to figure out what’s wrong in your relationship and try to resolve the matter. Whichever way is more like you should be the right way.

    About a month ago, I realized that if I were my ex, I wouldn’t want me back. My energy was so concentrated on him that I forgot who I was. I was letting myself go. Neglecting my friends, neglecting my job, and neglecting myself. So I started to turn my focus away from him. I joined the gym and did things that forced me to stop thinking. And that felt good. It was like giving myself a big break in the middle of extraordinary labor. And I realized how nice it feels to stop thinking about him. Obviously, it is difficult and I have to physically divert myself to do so. Btw, I kept thinking about him more and more when I was in zen mode like getting a massage or a day spa. I am still very much wobbly but I hope my slow start will surely get me out of this. As Sam said, we all gotta LIVE.

  122. beentheredonethat says:

    sam if your here i need inspiration ive been healing and doing so strong i have joined a dating site trying to move past this heartache.to my surprise i get a call from a strange number and its the ex 1month 1week n 3days later y does this guy feel the need to tell me he thinks of me everyday loves n misses me i feel so weak cuz these words i have been praying and longing for but today my heart feels numb i want so bad to be over him n move on to some1better but now im set back bcuz i allowed the lines of communication despite it all the guy never 1time apologized bcuz to him he did absolutely nothing wrong typical scorpio male do i remain friends so i dont be sad do i cut ties n go back to pain cuz more than ever i want it back the way it use to be but he betrayed me i am not a doormat some1 u can hurt then come back when its convenient for u no way my brain says 1thing but my heart says something else hhhheeeeellppp i absolutely hte my heart it leads me n the wrong direction always

  123. lo says:

    I AM IN MY SIXTIES AND CAN’T BELIEVE, I PUT UP AND A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MAN FOR 1 1/2 YEARS FOR FEAR OF NOBODY ELSE WOULD WANT ME DUE TO MY AGE AND DIDN’T WANT TO GET OLD ALONE, EVERY FEW MONTHS HE WOULD GIVE ME THE SILENT TREATMENT, I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE CALLING FIRST, HE NEVER APOLOGIZED (SORRY ISN’T IN HIS VOLCABULARY), HE PUT HIS JOB FIRST, HIS ADULT ALCOHOLIC SON THAT STILL LIVED WITH HIM BEFORE ME (WHO WILL NEVER MOVE OUT), I HAD SO MUCH ANGER INSIDE OF ME FOR ACCEPTING THIS BEHAVIOR AND NO SELF CONFIDENCE LEFT, RECENTLY WE WERE IN A RESTAURANT AND THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE EXPLODED LIKE A VOLCANO IN PUBLIC, HE YELLED ALL SORTS OF THINGS HE HATED ABOUT ME IN PUBLIC, THEN ON THE DRIVE HOME HE HAD ROAD RAGE, STILL GIVING ME THE SILENT TREATMENT, WHEN I WAS SAFELY IN MY DRIVEWAY, I TOLD HIM HE WASN’T A MAN AND NEVER WOULD BE AND I FELT FREE, MY HEALTH HAS IMPROVED.

  124. Shattered Soul says:

    There is also BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I believe my ex was more of this nature. She was very kind and giving but would switch into another mode of extreme hatred at any given moment. If you look up BPD in women specifically it will tell you more about it. The symptoms are different in men and women.

  125. banana bread says:

    @Amy : If you see this, I want to thank you for your post on NPD. You saved my life. Ex fits the description 100%, it’s actually scary and puts everything into a completely new perspective. Executive at a big company, only wants the best most expensive things, can’t take ANY criticism, surrounds himself with friends for attention to the point where he’s never alone and drinks alcohol like its water, outwardly very confident but insecure and afraid of damaged pride, long history of bad relationships, loves it when people do services for him, avoided any and all “serious” talks with me when things got complicated (turns out he was still spending a lot of evenings with his ex behind my back saying it was totally innocent, but not fair to either of us bc she isn’t over him), and he put the blame on me saying I was stressing him out, when I’m seriously such a loving caring patient person… at which point he disappeared completely and didn’t even return my 1 phonecall I gave him 2 weeks later. Yeah. He had zero empathy for my hurt feelings, didn’t apologize. When I was no longer useful (and I think he knew deep down he’d been wrong) he avoided me. I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong and felt so awful bc I really cared about him, but now I see it wasn’t me at all. Today is the first day I feel like I’m finally starting to move on. Thank you *hugs*

  126. Samantha says:

    @Shattered Heart: There is a disturbing aspect to human nature I’ve discovered … the more a person takes abuse from another, the more likely the abuser will keep pushing the envelope and giving more abuse. A sadistic side of human beings.

    Your husband seems to have checked-out of your marriage, even if he still “physically’ is there. He will continue to “have his cake and eat it too” – meaning he can have another relationship with whomever he pleases — because you accept it. You may not accept it in your heart, but you accept his behavior. You haven’t left him.

    I say these things not to be harsh, but to help with realism. I understand you are pregnant, I do… it’s not an enviable position to be in going it alone, I know. But the truth is a child, a pregnancy, financial obligations cannot “force” a person to love or respect you. Those circumstances can force them to stay, by necessity or obligation, but it has nothing to do with where the person’s loyalties or love lies.

    Take care of yourself. Try and stay healthy and do the best for your unborn child. Stop visualizing your husband with this other woman, it will accomplish nothing but to give you agony.

    Unfortunately I don’t have an answer for you except to wish you well and to suggest that you try and release the anger. Anger is like poison in our system, it doesn’t hurt the person we are angry with, it only hurts ourselves. Best of luck.

  127. shattered heart says:

    i have been married 16 yrs. my husand decided to fail our marriage and cheat with an old high school fried of mine. I found out of trips and many more encounters with her. he told me he loved her and he could not lrt her go. i was in a zone og distraught . i have been suffering with this pain for 8 months now. he never left me or our 15 yr old daughter,but continued his relationship with the whore. we found out we were pregnant and he seemed to change, but i still found out he continued to communicate with her. why with all i know and now 5 months preggo cant i let go? he verbally abuses me by saying how i am just araid to go out into the world on my own etc………. i constantly visualize them in their hotel room, trips, and other encounters,and i cant seem to live, find happines or move on!!!!!!! i am beyond angry !

  128. Samantha says:

    You must change your thinking that you’re not complete without a man. Whenever a woman thinks that way, she is guaranteed to attract nothing but men who will either abuse or leave her. YOU ARE COMPLETE — ALONE AND AS YOU ARE. That’s the irony of life … when you can say to yourself “I don’t care whether I’m alone for the rest of my life” … then love WILL FIND YOU. Don’t misunderstand, no one wants to be alone for the rest of their lives, its just that you must feel complete by yourself first, it’s a spiritual law, then a decent, loving person can be drawn to you.

    Stop checking your exes FB page, it’s futile. Stop torturing yourself. And remember something else … whenever you see other couples together looking so happy, you never know what’s really going on in life. What’s underneath the veneer of a relationship isn’t always what it seems on the surface, trust me. NO ONE is completely happy. NO ONE. Yes, there are some people that are happy together, but that’s because they took the time to find the right person for them. Unfortunately, most people are so freaked out and afraid of being alone, that they settle for anyone who comes into their life. They’ll have good sex and all of a sudden they think it’s a relationship – it’s not. I’ve said this a million times… good sex is great, but never confuse it for a relationship. You can have love and good sex, that’s fantastic, but just because you’re having sex with someone DOESN’T mean they are committed to you, or love you. Men are wired very differently than women.

    Remember, start being good to yourself tomorrow. Stop worrying about whether your exes life is better than yours, or other people are happy, and concentrate on YOURSELF and your son. Create a better life, and don’t stay as a victim. You can do it.

  129. been there done that says:

    Thank u sam I will try my best but its like I’m being torchered I see all these couples together shopping driving peoplei know still together men not leaving there women n I’m all alone its so bad I can’t sleep at night I take 2sleeping pills a night bcuz I don’t wanna be up to think thing that hurrts is I have a 3year old not by my ex but he pretent to love my son so much n was so great with him my son asked for him for about 2weeks straight he hasn’t even called to see how he was I really want him to suffer this is not right y did I even let him enter my life ifeel like such alooser not only has he broken my heart but my childs too I would move heaven n earth to wake up n not care I pray n pray n pray and nothing I even ask for a new love anything to heal anything first I wanted him back n don’t know why I’m over that I jus don’t get how he’s good to go n I’m hurting so bad I want this to end I’m not myself I don’t answer for my friends I check his fb page n get sick when he has new women friends I feel sick I need it to stopits like killing me I will never let this happen again I wanted ll his relationships to fail so he cud appreciate me but nothing no message no word nothing but pain pain pain I will try my best that’s all I can do thank u(tears)

  130. Samantha says:

    @Been there: You’re just in a very dark place right now, but I promise you, if you truly hear, you will move one. To recap what I’ve said to a few others, and not to be harsh, but to help:

    1) Life isn’t fair. Once you can understand that concept that for whatever reason, it’s simply not “fair” it will free you up to live in a much better way.

    2) Your ex BF will not call or apologize. Sorry, don’t mean to sound harsh, but I want to see you move on and feel better. He’s off living his life, and has moved on. Please do not cry too many more tears for him. He’s not worth it, trust me. If he were worth your tears, he would be with you now. The only people worth our tears are the ones who LOVES us back.

    3) I assure you God does not hate you. He loves you more than you can ever imagine. God gives us “free will” in life to choose people and situations. I’m sure He sits and watches like a caring parent, and wants us to proclaim the blessings He has for us. We have to first love ourselves. You have to trust me, I’m certain I’m older than you and I’m certain I’ve felt what you’re feeling but I got through it all.

    4) My parents didn’t particularly love me either. While they didn’t abuse me, they were very distant and indifferent to a lot of my suffering, as a child and as an adult. It’s hard … when you don’t have nurturing parents, it puts a dent in our heart and makes it harder for us to find “real” love because we’ve never really been given it. Trust me again — if you really say “I AM going to love myself, even if others don’t” I promise you things will shift. Promise.

    5) Tomorrow I want you to make a CONSCIOUS EFFORT to say good words to yourself and stop talking negatively. It will be hard at first, because our minds are trained a certain way and when we’re depressed it feels automatic, but you are giving the bad things in life too much power to grow larger through your words. When you start to think “oh I’m not loved” or “Oh, why am I always so hurt” wipe your mind like a windshield-wiper. Force it. Stop creating powerful negative thoughts.

    Beenthere, I promise you if you will stop playing the victim, if you will force yourself to let go of your ex, and only concentrate on YOU and how to make your life better — IT WILL. Go to the library, read comforting self-help books. Go get “Louise Hay – You Can Heal Your Life”! Practice it. Every morning before you get up, take 5 minutes in your bed to “visualize” … no matter how you are feeling, see in your minds eye a happier you, see yourself with a new love, in a new home (if you need one) and just start to feel happier. Try and remember what “happiness” feels like and feel it. 5 minutes every morning. Promise me! Now, go do something nice for yourself and remember — God loves you!

  131. been there done that says:

    Thank u samantha your last comment gave me a reality check although I cried u were absolutely right I’ve been crying being angry even mad at god its like I can’t move on I ended it bcuz he was disrespecting me ignoring me n. At first I had strength now I’m weak I can’t call but I wait 4 him to change n apologize its been 5 weeks n nothing he won’t even call to see how I m doing nothing I have to let go but its hard cuz I haven’t met any1 yet I feel like I never am meanwhile he’s most likely happy n his love life it hurts n its not fair I’m a good person this stuff always happens to me all the time I’m lef to suffer they move on I have so many scarsn wounds on my heart u woudnt believe I feel like god hates me like I’m a nobody my parents never even loved me sometimes I feel like I don’t wanna live

  132. Samantha says:

    @Scott: Let me add a few thoughts about moving on. First, let me say I don’t know a lot about “Asperger’s Syndrome” so I’m not qualified to direct your or comment on what you experience. I hope that you do have a qualified MD that can help you work through some of the challenges.

    Generally speaking – and this applies to all people – if you wait for others to act the way you want, or validate what you may be feeling, you’ll be waiting forever. Life RARELY works that way and all you will wind up accomplishes is frustrating yourself, making yourself angry and allowing the time to slip away in your life. Like bashing your head against a concrete wall, it will accomplish nothing and will not – repeat not – cause the other person to react as you’d want.

    Example: After spending many years of commitment, fidelity and loving my ex-husband, he decided to snort cocaine, abandon all marital vows, and just generally treat me in a despicable and emotionally abusive way. At first, I was horrified and despondent, I couldn’t quite understand why on earth someone who had once loved me would ever treat me as he was and abandon me. I cried, I screamed, I wound up doing things I was ashamed of – you name it, I tried desperately to turn the situation around. No deal.

    I was in my 30’s at the time. He moved on. Simply moved on. Was I angry? You betcha. Did I want vengeance, did I want him to apologize, did I want him to FEEL what I felt? You bet. But, here I was, angry and alone and curled up in a fetal position crying about what was done to me, how unfair life was, all while he moved on, remarried, and went on with his life.

    I, like everyone else on this board, had a choice … I could either throw my life away on a guy who would NEVER apologize, NEVER really care what he did, and sit and wallow in my sorrow OR I could simply move on myself. That’s what I did. I allowed myself to mourn, of course, then I became the best person I could, physically and mentally. Life got better. I got better. New loves came into my life. My ex is now history, as he should be. He doesn’t own my life, I do.

    People who are suffering from a lost love, remember … this isn’t a dress rehearsal, it’s YOUR LIFE. Either you can spend it trying to change the past, which is impossible, or move on to a better future. Chances are your ex-love is doing exactly that, not caring one way or another that you are still suffering. Stop wasting your energy on someone who clearly doesn’t want it or deserve it. Live.

  133. Shattered Soul says:

    @Scott,

    I feel the same way. It is almost as it meant nothing to them except for when they wanted it to mean something to them. I truly am at the point of almost giving up. She is 28 so she is still very young and has a lot of time ahead. I’m 36 and feel like I am at the end of my time. I don’t have a lot to look forward to it seems and I just want to give up some how.

    On another note, I have been listening to this non-stop lately and it may help you but i’m not sure:

    http://www.tdjakes.org/echurch

    That particular sermon is from this past Sunday. I have been on a major downside and I didn’t get up and go but I conjured up enough energy turn on the computer and watch it online. I wish I had of gotten up and gone that day so I could have been right there. You may want to skip to about half-way down the time bar to get past the singing and offering call and right into the sermon. It is pretty much keeping me going but i’m on a thread right now praying that it stays strong enough until the rest of the broken heart can heal. If that thread doesn’t hold then i’m not sure what is going to happen.

  134. Scott says:

    But how do I stop bothering them? I really really freak out sometimes and lash out and basically harrass them and I need to stop now. If I feel someone has wronged me or isn’t mourning the relationship and is rebounding right away I get incredibly angry. Never enough to hurt anyone physically but I feel I have to let them know I’m angry. What should I do? I have aspergers so empathy is already tough for me but when I’m angry on top of it I have no hope of being understanding or rational for a while.

  135. Samantha says:

    @ShatteredSoul: The short answer to your question is “no” … that’s not a reason to stay and accept whatever abuse is prevalent.

    I don’t profess to have all the answers but I’ve lived long enough and counseled enough people to know this: Abuse – verbal and/or physical, should never be tolerated. Period. There is a distinct difference between working through challenges in a relationship – points of view clash, people go through periods of difficult behavior – and ABUSE. Most people know that physical abuse is never right and acceptable, but few understand the consequences of verbal abuse on your self-esteem and your soul.

    If you are with an abusive partner, it’s rarely about the partner him/herself. In other words, there are underlying fears, issues of low self-esteem, unworthiness that allow a person to stay with such a partner. Financial fears, fears that they will be alone forever, etc. — whatever they are, they are a person’s own fears. If you can eradicate and identify these fears, and learn to love yourself in a healthier way, you won’t stay with an abusive partner.

    As far as undesirable aspects of ourselves — here’s the truth: We ALL have our baggage. We all have things about our physical bodies, our health, our habits that may be negative to some, HUMAN to others. Pick out a person in this world who doesn’t have a bad habit, an aspect of their personality that is less than perfect, a wart, a blemish, a scar, a past that is less than perfect — and I’ll show you an alien from another planet. It simply doesn’t exist. Finding someone who accepts us for who WE ARE can be a challenge, but it’s an integral part of finding the RIGHT partner. If you are in a relationship where you must hide something, or behave like someone you are not, you will exhaust yourself and go crazy. It’s really as simple as that.

    Shattered — move on. I wouldn’t stay with this woman. If I were you – and I have been in very similar circumstances – I would break away for good, and take the amount of time necessary to be alone and work on myself, my life. Learn to accept whatever you need to accept about yourself. Don’t dwell on what’s “negative” or problematic, but on what’s positive. When you accentuate what is positive about yourself, become a person other’s like to be around, whatever “flaws” you may have will take a backseat and will be accepted, by the right partner.

  136. Shattered Soul says:

    @Samantha:

    She did except me for what I had to tell her but my thoughts and confusion are, is that a reason for me to stay with them and take the verbal abuse and unfair treatment? That goes for anyone. Because she said she would be okay with it, does that mean I should continue to put myself through what I was going through?

  137. Amy says:

    I don’t feel there is enough awareness about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The reason why is because, although there are different levels of narcissim, I believe most narcs hide their traits to the majority of people while selecting specific type of people to satisfy their selfish needs. To me, these are: easily impressionable, trusting, kind hearted, selfless, drama free, uncomfortable being in the spot light, people who can make them look good and appear ‘normal’. At first, victims don’t realize they are being manipulated and emotionally abused and are often left feeling bewildered. If people take time to study the traits of a narcissist, they’d realize victims have been charmed to the point of falling in love with them in the beginning and so try hard to make it work when their narcs reveal their true ugly side. This is why it’s so hard to just ‘get over them’. I made all kinds of excuses for my ex narc. I believed and accepted his family’s excuse, “Oh, that’s just the way he is.” bs. Like other victims, I always fell for false hope because he would always say or do something to convince me things would get better. Only, it never did (never will). It’s their way of keeping us around until they are done with us.

    I’m not saying people with relationship issues have NPD. It takes a professional therapist to make that diagnoses. Ever try to convince a narc to seek therapy? Good luck!! Last thing they ever want to hear is that anything is their fault. (Go and accuse one of something being their fault and see the reaction you get!). This is why they often go undiagnosed.

  138. Samantha says:

    @Shattered Soul: I’m going to just add a few of my thoughts that might help, and please understand nothing is meant to be judgmental. Sometimes when we share with each other, we help each other with our respective situations.

    1) Accept that life is not fair. Period. I say that not to be sarcastic or glib, its something that I had to learn the hard way and accept. It simply isn’t fair and will never be fair. Horrible people will go about getting away with this and that, while wonderful people will experience things which seem incredibly unjust. Why? Who knows, I didn’t create the universe, I just live in the world. Once you can accept that “fairness” is not always the path in life, it makes it so much easier to move forward. It forces us to stop dwelling on “unfairness” and hoping things will change, and helps to accept that we’ll go ahead trying to make what can be “fair” in our lives a reality.

    2) While you are home being heartbroken, your ex is going about, living her life and most likely enjoying it. If she has told you she wants out and closure, believe her. Often exes, will unfairly, go back to a former spouse to have sex, but it doesn’t mean they want to get emotionally involved. Sex can be just sex. While it’s not always the nicest thing to do to a person who may be hoping for a reconciliation, people feel if it’s there for the taking, why not.

    3) As far as sharing personal medical information with a new partner, take a deep breath, get to know someone well first, and be mature. I have many friends who have had to share intimate information with boyfriends/girlfriends while on the path to seriously dating from telling their partner they have genital herpes to other diseases. If you meet a quality person, a person who actually likes you for who you are, and is intelligent, chances are they will process the information and move ahead with a relationship with you. Often, people who just want to have a casual relationship and don’t want to have a long-term relationship, will bolt. They don’t want anything that could potentially hurt them, then just their needs met. So, in the long run, sharing information with a potential partner can help intimacy, providing the relationship has a friendship already established.

    Good luck to you. I hope you heal soon. Remember, it’s your life, don’t whittle away your days while others have moved on.

  139. Samantha says:

    I think too many people use the term “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” too loosely, it’s not always the cause and case. Some times, the husband (or wife) simply isn’t in love with their spouse any longer. Many times, the relationship wasn’t based on “love” but based on “lust,” the physical passion was there in the beginning but the truer qualities, such as caring, support, and decency were not. Women tend to overlook this in the beginning of a relationship and think, erroneously, just because a man is jumping all over them and wanting physical relations, they must be “in love.” Wrong. Hey, the sex is great, but if a guy is not exhibiting solid, faithful traits such as loyalty and compassion while he’s having sex with you, forget that he’s going to change afterward. He won’t.

    Also, while I believe in the sanctity of marriage and think too many people view marriage as disposable, I also think too many women rest on the laurels of “unconditional love” as a way of becoming an unbearable partner, someone with whom the man simply doesn’t want to be with any longer. I’ve watched women gain a lot of weight then scream “why isn’t my husband attracted to me any longer, he’s supposed to love me unconditionally!” Well, maybe he would care about you, but it doesn’t mean he should be forced to feel attraction. Other times I’ve watched as women become screaming shrews, nitpicking and nagging their spouses to death then wonder … “hey! where’s my unconditional love.” Marital relationships, since we are human, are not based on “unconditional love” – the truth is they are based on “conditional love” i.e. meaning there are conditions within the marriage that partners vow to uphold. The only unconditional love I’ve ever witnessed is between a parent and their child, or a dog and it’s master.

  140. Shattered Soul says:

    I don’t understand it. I wasn’t perfect but I was trying very hard to deal with things. Everything I ever did wrong was told but nobody ever knew what she did wrong because it wasn’t told. I was the bad guy all the time. To this day, the people on her side who judge me don’t know anything that she ever did from the texting, to bringing the father of her child home one day after she initiated a split.

    It isn’t fair that she is able to go on with her life acting as if nothing happened and it all be on me. All the while having a great time and doing all these things while i’m at home heartbroken. I have every reason to be upset but I can’t make myself get upset. Why come over and bring your son to see me, talk about spending time together, etc and then say you are done and to let go without explaining why?

    The biggest deal is that my life is different now learning about my medical condition and it didn’t exist before her, at least I didn’t know about it, but she was the first person and situation that I had to deal with talking about it and she was okay with it, now I have to go through that again with someone and I don’t know if I can. I think more than losing her it is that I might not be able to meet anyone else. It all isn’t fair!!

  141. Shattered Soul says:

    I think my ex was more of a BPD. I read some information on the difference. My ex was very giving in helping financially which they say is a trait of BPD. The only problem is outside of that, it was like I had nothing. I wasn’t happy but at the same time I was. I guess it was because I thought one day we would be okay. I thought if we could just make it to marriage, all of the problems would disappear. It was just yesterday that I thought about “What if we were to get married and then she tells me she shouldn’t have married me?” That is something that could very well come from her. I look back and anytime we split, it was always via text. Even if I was right there talking to her, she would always wait until I left and send a text so she wouldn’t have to face the situation. I’m still struggling with it. Honestly, I found out that I fell victim to a medical condition that I was unaware of. I told her and she accepted it. Now we are not together and I don’t want to go through that conversation with anyone else again. I feel it is all my fault because she was willing to work through it but then the last argument we had, she through it in my face and refused to apologize knowing it was very personal. Despite me apologizing for my part in the argument we were having. That was pretty much the beginning of the end of it. I ask myself all the time, did I lose the one for me because she was going to accept me but at the same time just because of the situation, did that mean I was supposed to take the treatment I was taking?

  142. Jessica says:

    I married a man with NPD! I met my husband 6 years ago and we both fell completely head over heels in love with each other. He and I seemed to begin to butt heads quite early in our relationship but I thought it was because we were just too much a like. Fast forward several years and now there are screaming matches, physical fights and sooooo much resentment and bitterness. I realize now, I was dealing with a man that had to control and manipulate everything about our marriage. The man didn’t know how to truly love me…(maybe this was the reason he was obsessed with sex with me an why he could never keep his hands or lips off me!) He knew lust! He didn’t understand what it meant to connect emotionally and spiritually with your spouse. Time after time after time I begged for a change, a more family man and a more romantic husband…that man never showed up. After my daughter was born in August 2010, I experienced horrible postpartum depression(which instill recovering from nearly 2 years later.) I would alway hear, you’re just not the woman I married anymore! It was then that I realized, this man can’t understand what unconditional love is! I would have gone anywhere an through anything for my husband…I meant my vows. I found out 2 months ago, my husband cheated on me(at least this is the only time I know of.) And it all of a sudden became “my fault!” His NPD would tell me that the way I treated him made it easier for him to cheat on me!!! Well the way I treated him with resentment an disrespect rooted from anger of never seeing him fulfill his promises that he would change! And how am I supposed to change and econe the woman I used to be when I am married to a man that doesn’t support me in my darkest of days??? It was all my fault according to him! And for a while, you know, I actually believed it until I started researching his behaviors and discovered what NPD was. My husband is a habitual liar, a manipulator and craaaaaves the attention of others! Although I realize I can not change him, there’s still that little part of me that thinks there’s still time to change him (we’ve only been seperated for 2 months) but then I wake up and focus on all the negative and how if change never came before, certainly it won’t now. It will never come until that person reaches their breaking point and realizes they’re a JOKE and make every effort to seek help. I have now filed for divorce because although I attempted to save my marriage after infidelity, my husband just wanted out. He claimed he was a person with many problems an he couldn’t continue to put me through any more agony (which even though this is true, it’s still his way of manipulation trying to “woo” me back in. He’s playing the sympathy card!) Walking away hurts but those with NPD are very scary individuals. There are too many unknowns with this disorder and too many reasons for why you don’t have to stay in a relationship like this and live a life of a lie right by their side!!!!

  143. Amy says:

    @Shattered Soul
    I feel ya. Secrets, lies, and disrespecting one another isn’t healthy – no matter how much you feel you love each other. You both have to be completely honest with each other and come clean about issues. If not, you will always scrutinize and have trust issues. Good luck and don’t be too hard on yourself. We’re all human and make mistakes but it doesn’t mean we have to pay for them the rest of our lives. Forgiveness is powerful – but if you notice a pattern with her behavior – don’t rule out NPD. Believe me, I was in denial for years and years before I came to terms that my man had it. It’s was so hard because I loved him. But he made my life hell with his up and down attitude. I regret ever knowing him. Yeah… It was bad.

  144. Shattered Soul says:

    She definitely seems to have something along the lines of that disorder but I feel like I can’t judge her for anything because I hadn’t told her my issues and that is just like hiding things. Amy I think I missed what I was looking for and I think it is more along the lines of I didn’t do what I was supposed to do despite her deal because i had my own deal too.

  145. Shattered Soul says:

    @Amy-I don’t want to come across at the only one who went through anything. I can tell you more specifics.

    We met at a store and on day two we had a deal that was a forecast of what was to come in the future. We were up late talking and she said she didn’t want to keep me up and I needed to get some sleep b/c i had to be up early. I agree but can’t sleep and call her back. We talk more and then she says she didn’t want to keep me up i should get some sleep and i agree this time going to sleep. I get numerous text and mabye a call over the next 45 minutes or so with the last text saying if you are up call me. I call her and we talk and I asked her if she didn’t want to keep me up then why did she keep texting. She is from Louisiana and was leaving the next day. We were supposed to see each other but when i called she was already in Louisiana saying she left because of what I said the night before.

    We don’t talk for a year and she calls out of nowhere. She says she will be in Texas with friends from out of state and her sister. We meet and long story short, we are about to go out and her friend comes and tells me she is married. Turns out that she was separated when i met her but didn’t tell me. She says the divorce is final and her friend didn’t know yet. She apologizes and we go out. We end up dating. I had issues of my own i hadn’t told her. She said when we first met she was moving to texas because she wanted to and assured me it wasn’t because she met me. She transfers jobs(Nurse-NIC) and moves to texas and we date for over two years. She is caught texting the ex-husband “thinking of you” and caught lying about it before proven. Caught texting another guy who was with them during the time we met again and went out up until i showed up and he ended up going home to his g/f. Saying she told her female friend who was friends with the guy she was lonely so her friend gave her his number to have someone to hang out with as a friend. He supposedly had a g/f. When caught texting she said here look at what he sent, but tried to hide messages by showing me one from another date and then said she deleted them. All the while she blamed me.

    There are more circumstances where if she expressed her feelings then it wasn’t a problem but anytime I said how i felt it was WWIII, many times ending with her saying it isn’t going to work, which is when she usually ended up texing someone. She had many signs of the disorder which i can’t go all into, this is long enough but I’m utterly confused because of the things she did for me such as help pay off a debt only a month after meeting again and talking to each other and then helping with my car when it broke down, all of which i repaid to her but still it was that she did that. We got into an extremely heated confrontation but stayed together through that. That is the point I regret happening the most but we stayed through it. Disrespecting each other like that isn’t necessary and it was my fault because I got tired of my feelings being turned against me. Then I had my issues i told her and that was turned against me but the major one she accepted me despite of which i don’t want to disclose. I’m utterly confused. She was a nurse who made a very good living, helped me when needed and didn’t mind it, stayed with me through my main issue, despite throwing it in my face leading to our departure. I know it sounds like it is on her too but it feels like it is on me. I just feel that way because she accepted everything and she acted like she did because of me and i lost out on someone good that would compliment me well because of my actions.

  146. Amy says:

    @Shattered Soul. What I’m about to tell you is going to save your sanity. It sounds to me like you are a victim of woman with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). I should know. That feeling where you say you feel you are at ‘fault’ is profound, because that is exactly how people with this disorder have their victims feeling. They lack empathy and are uncomfortable discussing true intimacy/feelings. This is why she shuts down when you bring it up. They are actually intimidated by and are afraid of what they don’t understand; feelings. When they no longer feel in control of the relationship, or feel pressured to truly ‘talk’, they may cheat and eventually dump you. There is so much more to understanding a narcissist. Google search all you can on this subject to understand why they do what they do. You’ll learn things like you were her ‘Secondary Supply’ and how she may have often used ‘Gaslighting’ to confuse and manipulate you. Above all, understand she would be this self-absorbed person whether she was with you or someone else. Eventually, who ever she’s with now, will experience the exact same bewildered feelings as you. And btw, don’t kid yourself if you think you can help or change her to get better either; no amount of love will change a person like this. You’ll only find your self frustrated and miserable. They WILL NOT change for ANYONE! It’s best to move on from someone like this. Oh, I know it’ll be hard because at times she’ll act sweet and normal like. She may even give you sob stories about whatever as to tug at your heart to feel sorry for her. Watch out!! These are ALL tactics they use to ‘hook’ you into doing what THEY want! Manipulation is what they are all about. Save yourself from further heartache by not falling for it anymore. (That’s how I stopped being a victim myself.)

    If you find your ex fits in the category of having Narcissistic Personality Disorder, please let us know on here. Good luck!

  147. Shattered Soul says:

    Well, I don’t know what to do? My ex and I split in December officially. I don’t know why? I feel as if it were my fault because that is just how I am. I always try and find a way on my side to see where I could have been better, even though I know it was us both. Long story short, there was the break up and then out of nowhere she says she finally has closure and never to call her again. We had just been speaking to one another about a week earlier. I don’t know what happened. I was crushed and made a mistake of overcalling or trying too hard to get her to talk to me. I call her job to see if she is working so I can send flowers about a week after the breakup and they ask if I am some other guy which lets me know she wasn’t being honest somewhere along the way which wouldn’t be the first time. We don’t talk from December to February and then I call and she answers. We see each other and make love and talk about getting back together. In the meantime it turns out that she is actually talking to someone during the time she came to see me. We talk a few days and then she starts to judge me again for things she is actually doing herself. As much as I changed, she still treated me the same and once I mentioned it then it was WWIII. Boom and she says she is done again. This time she says she is going to try with this guy she was talking to and she might try with me if they don’t work. I didn’t like that much and I said something to her about it. Long story short we don’t speak on the phone anymore. Time passes to May and we talk again but end up speaking of FB which I don’t understand. End of the story, she comes to see me in May and brings her son. We see each other for a day, talk about going to the Rangers games, movies, etc. She says how much she thinks about me, ask what i’m doing that weekend and then nothing. Just totally ignores me. Then it is done again. I ask can we talk b/c if we don’t get back together I just need closure. I need answers but nothing. She says sorry, she have trusted her instincts and never come over and she is sorry. If I have changed, forgive her and let go. I tell her it would be much easier if we could talk which I wanted to do since November. I’m 36, single, no kids, never married but my time for kids is running out. I’m in a position I have never been in and don’t know what to do about it…

  148. Dennis says:

    I have this pain also…It’s been a couple of months..and I am in a
    dark place right now…I hurt,tears stream down my cheeks…I wish to
    feel better…one day I hope we both get through this and learn to
    love and have love given back to us.

    Dennis

  149. kP says:

    About a year ago I was in a relationship that apparently only mattered to me the guy I was with was one of the best looking guys around but didn’t seem to care a month into are relationship I met a guy I really fell for stuff was rough at first but I still agreed to date him he was the only person that I could rely on I broke up with my boyfriend to be w him now after 11 months he’s my ex just lastnight I found out he was messaging another female telling her to come over he begs me for forgiveness but am not sure this is clearly not the first time stuff like this happened I think its time to let go but its so hard I can’t even sleep

  150. J says:

    I know how this feels. My boyfriend and I have been together for so long (6 and a half years) and ever since our first year, he is already telling me na I am already the one. Now, he is not so sure anymore. He is too confused and lost to answer all my questions. I have too many questions running on my mind right now. What went wrong? Why did he leave me? What was wrong with me? Was I not enough? This just happened a week ago and I am still in too much pain. I know this will take a long time but I wish with all my heart that I will get through this.

  151. been there done that says:

    Levi,I kno exactly how u are feeling bcuz I feel the same way we feel this way bcuz we have a heart n I swear I wish sometimes I was heartless.we always want wats bad 4us its like an addictive sickness n it hurts bcuz we hate to see these cowards move on after all the cheating lies abuse we still care it takes 4ever to let go unless some angel from heaven comes down n puts someone great in our lives we are sad weak n vulnerable to go back and its unfair I thought being strong n letting go was the right thing to do instead I’m being torchered it won’t go away I have to take sleeping pills to sleep I’m awaiting his call or something to make me happy and there’s absolutely nothing I am in hell with you n this is what having a heart and trying to protect ourselves gets us more mysery it has to pass when the torture will end I don’t kno but remember you are not alone

  152. Levi says:

    I am a gay man currently in the process of recovering from being a narcisstic supply to a very severe malignant personality disorder ex. Although I am seeing progress and experiencing the rollercoaster of ups and downs I am still having a hard time letting go of him. i know he was horrible to me ive loved one woman and one man and my first love was really positive so i know this time was not how it was suppose to be. ive finally gotten him to move on and i am finally getting some peace after changing my number over twenty times a restraining order along with damaged property but now im having the withdrawls like i crave the man i hoped he was even though i know its never going to happen how do i stop wanting something that is not real and stop having flashbacks everywhere i look that remind me of things hes done to me or people hes cheated on me with i cant move because all of my family lives here and i dont want to run away but its such a small community and even smaller gay community i feel like i am in hell at times

  153. Matthew says:

    @Jenny..

    Im a good hearted and compassionate guy that is in love with a narcissistic woman…we had an excellent, beautiful and romantic relationship until things changed and it became just about her…her and her her her herrrrr…her problems, her life, her everything…well…little old me was just nothing apparently… the way we even broke up was selfish – she just abandoned over night quickly when i had to return to the uk to sort medical stuff and earn some money after moving and living in the middle east for 3 years for her and for us. man oh man, she just killed me and has ruined my hope to be able to trust anyone again… so…it happens to men too :(

  154. KJ says:

    I posted here last month about the end of my 7 year relationship and how bad I was feeling because my ex just moved on so quickly. We broke up in March and he is already living with someone. I know how bad you must be feeling to have posted on this site in the first place so I thought I would come back and tell you that you WILL feel better. I am slowly healing and have actually met someone new and he is amazing! The weird part as it turns out is he is the guy that my ex’s new girlfriend left for MY ex! (Yes, we live a small town middle of nowhere… haha. Anyway, I wanted all of you to know that it does get easier with time and I am FINALLY happy! I wish you all the same!

  155. been there done that says:

    Marie I know it hurts and usually when these men become different and distant its always another woman I’m willing to bet it won’t work out n she won’t compare to u.don’t ever. Beg or ask for another chance u seem weak and vulnerable and if he comes back he will cheat and wlk all over you I just left that life 2 weeks ago and I’m on my no contact tactic in the beggining I got calls n texts but now haven’t heard a word see gods put people in our life for a blessing or a lesson karma will get your ex u jus have to be patient n heal urself people can’t hurt the ones that love them n get a free ride in paradise he will need you oneday n by then I hope u find someone to love n appreciate u enough to neva want to part its gonna be rough I hurt everyday I want it to end but have no control have faith I’m here if u need n ear goodnite

  156. been there done that says:

    Marie iknow how you feel and for some unknown reason we always want some1 more when we feelwe are threatened by another woman.for him to just become distant always is a sign of some1 else it never fails wit these men and no matter how strong we try to be and let go we are always more hurt than ever because we actually end up alone while there having a dam time of there lives..goodgirls always get grief karma will deal with him ihope u find some1 that appreciates u n treats u like u deserve n I’m 75 percent sure this other woman won’t compare to u wateva u do don’t beg for another chance cuz if he does return he will cheat n walk all over youi jus left that alone 2weeks ago andi started my no contact andim leaving it in gods hands jus pray occupy ur time n be patient god knos ur heart peope r put in our lives as a lesson or a blessing our blessings will never cause pain take care I’m here wen u need advice goodnite

  157. Marie says:

    Hello girls, I guess my story is not any different from anyone here. I have lived with this guy for 5 years. I had dreams and expectations out of the relationship. At one point I saw myself getting older with him. A few months ago things started to change. he seemed distant and I became distant as well. We continued to be the couple everyone admired until this past weekend. We went out with a group of friends and while I was spending time with my girlfriend, he kissed (made out) another girl. My good friend happened to see the whole thing and thats where I am right now. I feel disappointed, disrespected but for some reason I can not let him go. I did talk to him and he express the necessity of us being apart from each other at least for a while until we BOTH realize what we really want and instead of me being upset I asked him to try to work things out. I am in such battle inside me, I know my worth but can not find the strenght to move on. I need advice please.

  158. tejaswini says:

    no its not so easy to forget the loved one its hurt to the core when the loved one dont understand our care, feelings, and love towards them.
    they might never understand till they lose that person in life.

    its a good lesson to me, but thou i m not able to forget that person and not able to come out of that beautiful life.

    lastly i would like to say ” Expectations hurts a lot”

  159. Laurie says:

    Hello Elizabeth,

    Thanks for your comment — I’ve deleted the details in the Facebook article, and changed your name, so there is no way to connect you to the article.

    I really appreciate you letting me know about this, because it’ll make me much more sensitive to answering readers’ comments in the future! I’ll change names and details, to protect people.

    Thanks again and take care,
    Laurie

  160. Faith says:

    I lost the love of my life over 30 years ago. 1981. I turned 36 and he was killed in a car accident on my birthday. This man was the world to me-“the love of your life is the love that no one even compares to.Not previous loves,or future loves.The one who will be at the top of your list for the rest of your life. The one who ruins you for anyone else. All this is true. I married 5 years later to a really good man who was not even close to Joe-there was no comparison-but I never told him this. Married for 9 years and he died of a massive heart attack. I remember more things about Joe,whom I had known for 26 years,who had passed in 1981,14 before,than I remember about my husband. I think of Joe constantly and I miss him more than anyone else,and it only seems to get worse. Every am when i get up I think, “Another day without Joe”. When he died the little spark inside me also died. I knew immediately that life would never be the same and would be boring and dull, and I was right. I am 66 now and it has been something like 11,165 days since he passed. I talk to him all the time and I tell him how much I love him and miss him. There just is no end to this.

  161. Patch Marrowl says:

    I met this guy in grade seven and we became friends. I am in grade 8 now and he asked me to go out with him and I did. We went out for a little over a month and it was very awkward. My friends were mean to both of us and he couldn’t stand it. He went on a band trip to Halifax and some guy told him to brake up with me and he did. A week later he said he was very sorry and regreted his decisions. He also said he loved me but I didnt say anything. I nev knew how I felt about him until now. I realized I loved him, that’s what makes it awkward I am the only person he trusts with stuff and he tell e about everything he even talks about girls with me. He always said he was sorry for dumping me but I hated it because that was all he ever said. Very day he tells me I am beautiful, extremely nice, smart, confident and such but he confuses me he always says I like thins person and so on. I asked him on a scale from 1-10 how mug he liked me he said 8.5 and I asked what about the girl he liked then and he said 9.5 I was really mad by this he said that he lived everything about the two of us and he said he wouldn’t change a his but y would he give me 1 point lower than her in makes no sence. Now I am here regretting not saying anything to him that night and I have no clue what to do, pls help me. This guy loves to talk to me but doesn’t seem to notice me anymore it’s like j don’t even exist an I feel helpless, I love him now and there is nothing I an do about it and I need help because this is rewening my life.

  162. Jill says:

    I am trying hard to let go but it’s a huge struggle every day.

    I came to Australia when I was eleven years old, I am now 47. I came from Wales UK. When I was growing up I had two best friends a boy named Paul and a girl named Julie. I was heartbroken the day I left Wales and my friends.
    I was homesick for such a long time. At 22 I married and had three children but last year in January I left my husband, we were married for 23 years. In September last year I went back to Wales, this was my first visit home. I was so excited, I couldn’t wait to see my old house, my school, where I played, everything. The most important thing to me was to see Paul. I didn’t expect to see Julie as I didn’t know where she was. When I saw Paul I cried, he cried too, we just held each other, both couldn’t let go. He was my soul mate as a child and the connection was still there, after all these years it was still there. We spent a lot of time together, everyday actually. I fell in love with him and he fell in love with me. We spent three weeks together in Wales, a week in London and two days in Paris then I had to return to Australia. I was heartbroken at heathrow airport I didn’t want to leave him, I cried all the way home.
    Once home we messaged and video called everyday. I missed him so much. After a lot of thought and a few months apart I decided to move back to Wales to be with him. We planned everything. My children are at the age where they have their own lives and I was going to visit as often as I could. He also had children three adult children and two younger 9 and 7. He was separated from their mother but saw the children everyday. I packed up my stuff and sent it on a shipping container and left for Wales. I arrived on Valentine’s Day. He was perfect our relationship was amazing, we just fitted together so well. We spent the first two night together in a lovely motel it was wonderful, I loved him so much. We lived in the house he was building, it wasn’t finished but it was liveable. Paul got me to choose what i wanted in the house. I got on really well with his older children and with the younger two. Sadly the mother of the younger two didn’t like me being around, i had never met her, Paul wouldn’t let me. After two weeks she stopped Paul from seeing his children. The more days he didn’t see them the quieter he got. He came home one day after work and said he couldn’t see his children while I was with him, he said his children are number one and I was a close second he asked me to go home. i was devastated, I was heartbroken. He got me a ticket and I was gone the next day… Once I was gone his ex let him see his children. I gave up my home, my really good job, my friends, family and most importantly my children to be with him. He asked me to give it two years and if I couldn’t settle he would come to Australia to be with me. I arrived back in Australia on March 4. Since I came back he does not speak to me, my things are still in Wales and are waiting for the next available shipping container to Australia. I am heartbroken because we are meant to be together. Once I was back in Australia I found out I was pregnant but because of all the stress I miscarried at 10 weeks, so I am heartbroken, grieving and left with so many unanswered questions and a huge expense from shipping my things there then back and all my doctors bills, I only have what is in my suitcase. Everything I own is on the other side of the world. I don’t understand why this has happened, he not once told me he didn’t love me, everything was perfect. He had even thrown me a surprise party to introduce me to all his friends he had even found my friend Julie. I am a mess, he was in every childhood memory I ever had. I love him so much but its like as soon as I got in the car and left his house for the airport I don’t exist.
    He has shut me off completely, he wouldn’t even give me Julie’s number. I have it now. I still have family and friends in Wales and they have been searching for her they found her just over a week ago. I don’t know if he is regretting sending me back or whether he is ashamed of what he’s done or if he just doesn’t care. all i know is i feel like a big piece of my heart and soul is missing. i miss him so much. i don’t understand why his ex had to be so cruel. i am a good, honest, decent person and would never have hurt her children or taken her place. All I wanted was to be with the man I love. How do I say goodbye. How do I let go??? Am i ever going to stop crying?? It’s been three months and i still cry every day… He was a much loved family friend, his mother and my mother are life long friends. No one can understand why he did this. He always talked about how much he loved me and everything he did prior to sending me home was the actions of a man so much in love.

  163. Rachel says:

    I googled letting go and this is what I came up with. I’m trying very hard to understand and accept the end of a beautiful relationship full of love and compassion. My boyfriend and I met last summer when I went to go visit some friends of mine on vacation. He was their friend and the story pretty much tells itself from there. I’m a college student in TX, he goes to school in his hometown in CA. A good friend of mine told me that long distance is only hard when someone becomes selfish. For many months, a great wave of kindness spread over us. We nurtured and cared for the little love that grew between us. Besides the fact that we are very compatible we have a unique tender way of acting with one another. No relationship nor friendship has ever made me feel so loved and heard. We got much closer during my christmas break and since then we’ve grown emotionally attached to each other on a level that requires too much spare time in our very busy schedules. In the spring, we began having petty arguments over hurt feelings and sensitive tantrums that left a bad taste in our mouths. This last month I went to visit him for his birthday and we had a lovely time. We spent many hours talking and laughing, surrounded by the people he loved. Our hearts grew closer that week and the pain of leaving one another hurt more than any other trip. I came home and a week of sadly missing each other brought us bittersweet comfort. Then one night we had an argument that left us both hurt and confused. We always ask each other how can two people that love each other fight so much. We thought it was because we didn’t understand each other, that the eight-hundred miles between us only let us understand a little at a time. He asked me for time and I obliged him, so we spent a week without talking to think alone. He called me last night to end the silence but sadly we came to two different conclusions. He said to leave me is because he loves me, that he no longer wants to hurt me anymore. I feel it’s merely a hurdle in the many trials of relationships, that as long as we both want to be there we will find a way to maintain our independence. I know he knows how I feel but I have not questioned his decision. He calls it the gift no one wants to receive, so I can only accept it. I don’t think there’s anything more tragically painful than a loss not necessary and that you cannot understand. He’s coming to visit me in a week and staying for the weekend. The trip was already planned but he’s coming anyways to say goodbye and pay my home town a long overdue visit. I’m putting all of my efforts into making myself brave and making light of the fact that I can finally show him all of the things I always wanted to. But can you truly enjoy something if you know it’s your last? How can I heal without giving myself false hope. I want to speak up but part of me is saying don’t tarnish whats left by arguing. When is it truly time to fight and when should you surrender?

    -Rachel

  164. Samantha says:

    I know NC is the best thing to do but I can’t help but feel sadden by the fact that he’ll be coming home in two weeks and if we don’t see each other this summer, we won’t be able to until winter break again… After I said those things he texted me and told me that he understands he has no control over me and knows that regardless of what he tries to prove to me, I won’t be moved. Which.. Is true. But I guess I wanted him to try harder despite it.

  165. Gem says:

    I feel like everybody in my life has turned their back on me
    A month ago I ended a 5 year relationship with my boyfriend and father of our child because deep down I knew he was just settling. When I told him, he didn’t fight for the relationship like somebody in live would, he simply moved out and accepted it. Because this was my decision I feel nobody cares that I am still grieving I was sold the dream of love, a family and spending the rest of my life with the man I loved.
    I am living alone paying a mortgage worki full time and raising our 2 year old. My sister who also went through a bad break up I was the for her every step of the way she’s found someone else moved on and hasn’t a care fr anybody who helped her to get where she is. She let me down on a holiday we were due to take I 3 weeks with my son telling me she’d rather move in with her new boyfriend, so I face going abroad alone as the same as my sister as all my friends are very happy with their lives I am forgotten.
    I argued with my sister a d told her to not speak with me, she is selfish, my mum calls me and I pour my heart out telling her I feel nobody cares about me, she tells me ‘you’re always the victim’
    I look at my son and feel like I agave failed him, I get no financial help and I go t bed at night praying I will not wake up. Please can someone tell me this will get better

  166. been there done that says:

    Sam you have to distance yourself for at least a month or 2 wit nc no matter how hard it will be it may hurt you to your soul I’m doing it right now when he calls or text I don’t reply that kills them let him do what he does in school with whomever and if the love you and him have overpowers everything then when you guys are back together he will miss and love u so much he will be a better man the relationship will grow they say absence makes the heart grow fonder n u don’t really appreciate someone special till you loose them well let him loose you for a while if this plan of action and respect doesn’t work then he truly isn’t the one for you and you will eventually meet someone better not someone who gets bad habits in school then hurts you on a public site grow up you need a man not a kid,love is not suppose to hurt….make him miss you like no other even if u have to block him from your phone for a while lots of luck

  167. Samantha says:

    I’m currently a college student, and me and my boyfriend of 2 and a half years have called it quits. We were in a long distance relationship because he went to California for college and I stayed in Texas. in the beginning of our relationship he was the sweetest guy anyone could ever ask for. I, however was getting over a previous relationship and I admit was unsure of my feelings. A couple months after we started talking I broke it off with him because of an argument and i felt like I’d be fine without him. We ended up talking again after a couple of months due to an incident where he called my friend out of the blue saying he wanted to talk to me… Anyway, we went back out and spent our junior and senior year of highschool together despite little fights and short and pointless break-ups in between. Finally when college started, things changed immediately. My ex was never a drinker nor a smoker and he was never the party type either. He started doing these things and we ended up breaking up and ending all communication a month before he was coming home for winter break. During this month he was talking to this other girl that he met the weekend he broke up with me. And do this day, I still feel like he left me for her though he swears on everything she did not influence his decision whatsoever. Weeks past and out of the blue he called and we ended up talking on the phone this night till 8 am. However, he was still talking to the girl and was very contradicting in what he wanted from me. I ended the phone call and ignored the Many ones he left me…. When he got back, I ended up texting him and we ended up seeing each other and tried to make it work. The entire winter break we were together and he told me that he realizes that I am the one for him. After he went back to California, things were okay for a while. However it wasn’t long before fights started sprouting again. This most recent break up was due to some trust issues I’ve kept since last semester… He said many cruel things aboutme on social networks and later deleted them. He called me after 3 weeks of NC. this time, I was stronger and told him words mean nothing. He told me he’d try is hardest to win me over… After an argument the other day I told him straight up I don’t trust him and don’t think I ever will, hung up, ignored his calls and have not talked to him since. I know this is the best thing for us because I know that we need to grow as individuals… I would like to ask, do you think they’ll be any hope in the future for things to work out? Is it possible for him to step up and be a better man? We’re each lther’s first love and I know that he loves me… I just don’t know if it’s enough..

  168. taysmith says:

    Diane this will be one of the hardest things you ever had to do I did it and I’m still hurting and miss him its like a sickness but I have to be strong maybe if I had someone else I feel like I’m being torchered for being strong.they say absence makes the heart grow fonder n true love neva dies you have to let him go distant yourself no contact let him realize what he is missing stop being available to him and watch how things won’t work out in his favor people don’t appreciate what they have until its no longer there if its meant he will come back and maybe a better man heal yourself and if he dosent come back it wasn’t meant to be and the man above has someone better for u in ur future….don’t be down I will listen to you and write you wheneva u need me these messages get sent thru my phone have a good day n be strong he’s a looser

  169. diane says:

    thank you all for the advice .

    I know it hurts that is why I’m trying to live without him . and i know he doesn’t even love me now because even text or asking me if I’M OK. the hardest part is to let go of someone but i know GOD will guide me .

  170. taysmith says:

    Diane I’m so sorry and I know how you feel but I’m letting you know right now he’s acting that way cuz he’s seeing someone else the only way men change like that is when there interest is else where hed rather you break up with him so everyone won’t think really bad on him he’s trying to push you away I just went through that I was so hurt but I gave up the fight and I let his ass go.he was shocked first was calling texting and I’ve been ignoring him u didn’t want me then so y want what u can’t have now I’m not going back for more pain you will overcome if u let go n eventually god will help u find a new n better love u don’t deserve misstreatment n distance and neither did i

  171. ella0140 says:

    To diane

    HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU… move on with your life and stop chasing a man who can never be man enough to give you an honest answer.

    god bless you and may you find love and happiness.

  172. diane says:

    I AND MY BOYFRIEND LIVE TOGETHER IN THE SAME APARTMENT . BUT HE CHANGE A LOT. I FEEL THAT THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG ABOUT HIM. I KEEP ON TELLING ME TELL ME THE TRUTH IF HE STILL LOVE ME BUT HE SAID YES BUT I FEEL LIKE HIS NOT TELLING THE TRUTH WHEN I ASK HIM AGAIN I WANT YOU TO BE FRANK AND TELL ME THAT YOU DON’T NEED ME BUT HIS ANSWER I DONT WANNA SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HEARD THAT YOUR MAM WILL BLAME AND HE SAID TELL ME SO THAT IF YOU BREAK UP WITH ME I WILL TELL TO YOUR MOM THAT YOU ARE THE ONE WHO BROKE UP WITH ME AND SHE WILL NEVER BLAME ME.

    ABOUT OF HIS ATTITUDE IS HE REALLY LOVE ME???

  173. Amy says:

    @Michelle
    Your ex-bf doesn’t respect you at all and never will. Asking you to wait on him so he can figure out what he wants is such a bs. Chances are, he’s laughing it up with his guy friends about how he’s got you wrapped around his finger. He KNOWS how you feel about him and is manipulating you to stick around just incase the other girl he’s trying to hook up with doesn’t work out. That’s right – other girl. My ex-bf tried to convince me to wait on him for two weeks so he could ‘figure out’ what he wanted. Turned out he was trying to hook up with another girl. Just cause she lived in another town near by, he assumed I’d never find. Wrong!! I knew her! I found out and confronted her. She said he told her he wasn’t with anyone and was trying to hook up with her. Michelle, it’s time to stop feeling sad. Don’t be let ANY guy make you feel like you aren’t worth it. If he does – he’s not in it for love girlfriend. Let hin know HE’s not worth YOUR time. And don’t waste any energy trying to find out what he’s been up to cause, in the end, the answer is still the same; NO GOOD! Take your power back- YOU break it off with him completely. None of this ‘let’s still be friends’ bs either. It’s just a ‘foot in the door’ tactic some guys use to enable them to sweet talk their way into using their victims again. Be strong – and watch his face when you take your power back. Priceless.

  174. ella0140 says:

    To Michelle

    I am really shocked with your comment Girl wake up he just needs a place to stay he is just using you and your weakness. Move on he is obviously moving on with a privilege of using you and a place to stay and a bed to sleep in. We are the masters of our body and everything that happens to it if we will it we will have it and our happiness is our responsibility. Your EX-BOYFRIEND is a user my friend….
    What will happen, will happen all the pain and happiness will come in a point that it doesn’t make any sense but use it and learn from it, life is not fair and not all we plan in life doesn’t really go our way and life has no responsibility on it since it is our choices that have their own irrelevant side effects but look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself is it all worth it to love and be in pain when the other half is letting go and ready to move on? alot of people may give you all sorts of advice but in the end it is up to you to decide.
    Stand Up and take control of your life before it’s to Late!!!
    God bless you in your search for true happiness and peace of mind…
    Hope you find it!!!
    Don’t wait for a prince riding on a white horse to save you…YOU HAVE TO SAVE YOURSELF!!!!

  175. Michelle says:

    My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me a few weeks ago and we are still living together I have tryed to “fix”our relationship and have asked him to give it another chance he says he loves me n part of him wants to be with me but part of him thinks that it will never change we still sleep together and act like a couple he even sleeps in my bed he says he will let me kno his decision to get back together or not but hasn’t and just keeps putting it off leaving me hanging hurt and confused he has been going out without me and it hurts so much because I don’t know if he is with another girl (it’s not like he’s gunna tell me) everyone says I should just go out to and forget about it but I can’t I have no desire whatsoever to go out with my friends and wen I do I just miss him and think about him and get upset even more I just want to stop feeling so hurt and alone and paranoid about what he is doing or who he is with how can I take my mind off him and not feel like this??? How do I stop “chasing” him and make him make his decision? Pls help I can’t bare this anymore!! Thankyou

  176. annemarie says:

    I would like to say most of the comments are about men, we all know they are arseholes it’s just the size that changes.

    Let’s talk about you and where to from here. I have had the bigest loosers in my life because they seen me as weak, a target for Narcs it is a reciepe a little bit of poor self estiem a hint of poor confidence a swig of co dependantcy and maybe a hint of childhood issues there are other things but you get the picture.

    They can pick it up in 2 min thats why you need to be loud and proud fake it till you make it.I have learn’t a little about why they chose me, which made me think more about me as a person and I believe in partnership not ownership.
    Don’t blame yourself or them look past the relationship treat it like a maths problem do the sum’s ( Do they add up, was it equal mmmm?)

    I hope that you will think about your life because we only get one go at it. Also the best revenge is your new ability to be happy and free to make choices that makes you smile .

    Good luck to you all xxxxxx

  177. Kim says:

    I understand what Jenny is saying. My husband of 17 years is a narcissist. He is also a sex addict. I found out out about his secret life Nov. 17 2011. I just happened to catch his computer and email open and read the most disgusting stuff about him. I found pictures that he had been sending to his buddies of his whores. He had been claiming ED with me all these years when in reality, while working overseas, he was purchasing cialis and having a grand time. Over $96 thousand dollars in credit card debt later and having lost one home. He still hasn’t stopped. He is on his way back from Afghanistan and already making plans for which crack whores he wants to see on the strip. I on the other hand have made up my mind to move on.
    I can’t take it anymore. I am worth more than this. There may be someone else down the road for me that will appreciate me for the woman that I am. But for now, I need to find myself again. He has alienated me from my children and friend moving me far away from them. He has made me feel like I am nothing more than a piece of s**t and I know that I am a beautiful woman that still has life in me.

    He thinks the world revolves around him. He refuses counseling, says he can help himself, but continues with the porn. I just can’t do it anymore. He even had a mistress for a year. Says that he was in love with her, but still loved me. What a crock of sh**. Says it was because he was lonely. Well, what the hell was I? Sitting here in the USA waiting for him to finish his contract! All the while he was paying for whores. From the day we married. He said he has been doing this for 30 years and he has to unteach himself. His mother said it is the filipino way! I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to be a part of it any longer.

  178. Jenny says:

    I’m in love with my narcissistic husband of 20 years. If it wasn’t for my religious beliefs against divorce and financial position, I feel I could leave him and be alright. Problem with narcs, they don’t really love anyone. They have a sense of wanting to look the part of having a normal life by establishing false relationships with women like me. (trusting, loyal, kind hearted) Once we give them our heart, the real nasty man comes out cause they know they have us ‘hooked’. They are all about themselves and will hurt your feelings and crush your self esteem without remorse. At first, I didn’t even know what a narcissist was. But when I began to Google things like: verbal abuse, emotional abuse, selfish, constantly seeks attention of others, constantly lies, convinces people he is wonderful, rage, loves to be center of attention, blames others – never his fault, easily offended, angers easily, cannot talk about feelings/emotions, exaggerates stories to look good, doesn’t know how to make love – only have sex, uncomfortable with affection, etc., the word NARCISSISM came up. When we get angry or want to leave, their specialty is to reel us back by being nice or doing something nice for us so we don’t leave them. They give us false hope! If you are in a relationship or not, I encourage everyone reading this to Google Narcissism. Learn about it and what red flags are. I don’t wish this miserable life on anyone – not even my enemies. Remember, narcs are great actors in the beginning so take time to know someone. Test them. See how they react when things don’t go their way or if you jokingly humiliate them. If the red flags are there, RUN!!! – don’t walk. And don’t kid yourself. They WILL NOT CHANGE FOR YOU OR ANYONE ELSE!! EVER!!

  179. maria says:

    i live with my boyfriend and his mom and dad i have been with him for a out three years now i have problems with him he is always angry at me i try so hard to do everything he wants me to and to be the best girlfriend but he is always angry for no reaon and he kicks me out of his house when he gets mad but the next day when that amger goes away he is ok back to normal i dont know if he loves me or not or what yo do with his anget

  180. Maz says:

    I really love that quote about relationships being like glass. My mother passed on a little over 2 years ago. THat is when I told my sister, and the rest of the family that I didn’t want to be involved with them any longer. I was trying to start over in my life with my husband and kids. It is hard to be around my family because they are very toxic. I can literally see death all over my sister. She is so caught up in darkness and I just have to work so hard to stay in the light when I’m around her, or anyone in my family.
    My sister has CF and she is in her 40s. She is getting worse. She has been admitted to the hospital several times for the same thing. I called several months ago and she happened to be there. I spoke with her for the first time since my mom’s passing. She told me she had been on drugs and had gotten clean since I last saw her. She said that she may not have long to live. I told her that I want to be supportive in anyway I can. She gave me her number, but didn’t want me to have her address. I told her I wanted to send her a gift or something, but she didn’t seem very interested. She told me I could support her by calling her. So I called a few weeks later and left a message, but she never returned my call. I tried a couple of weeks after that, but her phone was disconnected. I have called the hospital several times, trying to get in touch with her, but have not succeeded. I miss her and I am afraid she will pass without me seeing her again.
    I feel like our relationship is like the broken glass. Like the sharp pieces have fallen somewhere where I can’t see or reach them, but I keep searching and in the end, will probably get cut by the edge.
    Maybe it is time to sweep up and recycle the glass pieces. Let them out of my life so they can have purpose somewhere else.
    I haven’t moved on. This is what has been holding me back. I choose to let go. I choose to love her with all my heart, but morn the loss of what we had, or what I had always hoped we would have.

    Thanks for listening…This helped.<3

  181. taysmith says:

    This is for heather we are going threw almost the same thing were we try n try n no matter what we do seems like these men don’t love us back and we are being used.we know deep down were not getting the love we deserve and it may hurt n we may be lonely but the pain of being with these men are worst.there’s some1 out there that will love us inside n out n we have to try n be strong let go try n be happy and find them these loosers will need us b4 we need them that’s for sure

  182. heather says:

    So i have been with this guy for five years on and off he use to be so perfect in the beging of the first two years he was caring compassionate loving sweet sensitive and wanted to spend all his time with me now the beging of the third year he met this group of friends he started hanging out with them often he started to ge really distant and disappeared for two days(he lived with me) with no text or call nothing i found out i was pregnant i was sohappy and then he finally texts me and dumps me i was so heartbroken and in the same night. I found out he cheated on me for the first time i was so stressed out to the max that topped it long story short i lost my baby ever since then he dpes the same thing untill recently he started to show he was going back but he tricked me into believing that he cheated on his current girlfriend with me to get money i had no idea he had a girlfriend this man has litterally destroyed me he mentally physically abused me made me feeel worthless i gave him everything everytime i try to move on and i start to feeling better he comes back and my guard tumbles :( i have no clue what to do anymore please someone help :(

  183. Siobhan Nicola says:

    Hi all, I have started looking into the reality behind abusive relationships considering the recent circumstances that have come to light. I moved to Australia about 18 months ago and began dating a guy who I thought was just the bees knees. We had such similar interests, he was in my mind just gorgeous, he worked hard, he made me laugh, and being I am a very sick person, he would take a lot of my physical pain and issues away somehow because I was always smiling. He ran into financial trouble about 3 months into the relationship. We dealt with this struggle for many months after. His idiot of a boss shut down the company without telling anyone, he lost his job, then totaled his car, then ended up in debt. I did everything I could to help him, letting him stay when he needed, lending money, giving him meals but more importantly all my free time. I am a university student and its hard to balance uni and a boyfriend who cant stand his own two feet. I loved him dearly, no person has ever made me feel quite this way. However he turned into someone I didnt know, and I wasnt the only person who noticed it. He started telling me I was ugly with my hair tied back in a ponytail, telling me what I looked better in, what I needed to wear. When he was staying with a friend instead of me, he would come over to visit then say he had work early(i helped him get a new job) and he had to go home at a reasonable time. Then I learned he was going out some of these supposed early nights to pubs and bars. One night after an argument, he said he was coming over to sort things out. 9 O clock at night I was left sitting there alone in my house waiting for him. One night he got angry, I was really really unwell and in severe amounts of pain, and he wouldn’t stop screaming at me. I pushed him to get him out of my face, and he started fuming and punched a wall. He once left me standing in a parking lot for half an hour after I had expressed being offended about something he had said. He constantly acted different around his male friends so he seemed like he had total control over me, and could use women as he pleased. I started to realize thats exactly what he was doing. He was using me when he needed me, or needed help then tossing me under the bridge. I eventually had the courage to leave him, despite being frightened of his anger. Lucky for me he just cried. 5 months on and I thought I could manage and cope with unblocking his number and so forth after he had persistently tried to apologize and “friend” me. We spent one evening out together as “friends” and I fell right back into his charm, and we have both fallen right back into our addictive ways. He works in the mines so he is only around 10 days out of the month. I was so happy to have him back. Until I spoke to my family and friends and they began to remind me of those nasty things again. Now I am stuck in this awful position. The man I love is the man who has the ability to make me more miserable than ever, to make me feel ugly and worthless. My mother constantly tells me that I am worth so much more, and I should never be with someone who makes me feel less than amazing. Its so hard when you are so addicted to someone, feel like you cant live with them. Its what you want, Its what I want. All I can think about is him, and the plans we have and its such a good feeling. I am I stupid for wanting to try again, thinking that all the nasty stuff that happened was just because of his finances, or is he really just not a good person? I know how stress can take a huge toll on your life, but I cant decipher between what is really him and what is just a product of stress. Am I just making excuses for him?

  184. Kinley says:

    This message is for Sherry B. Your husband my be enjoying the good life with someone else but his true colors will surely come out. And feeling your pain makes you a strong person don’t shame yourself for it. You have a heart which is more than I can say for this guy. The pain will end I promise…..the best way to take your power back is live the best life possible and when he comes crawling back you won’t want him because you will realize you deserve someone who wants the best for you:) Lots of Love to you all.

  185. SherryB says:

    Wow. I didm’t realize so many were hurting the same way I am. Was married 20 yrs with 4 boys. Put up with a lot of abuse over the years. Forgave him, tried again, lost myself and my family along the way. Finally had to kick him out. Saw him a couple of weeks ago with his new girlfriend. Hurts so much. They seem to be happy with many new toys, house, sports car, etc. Never had those with me. We just made do with junk. Been divorced several years and have dated couple times. Didn’t work out, was no heartbreak for me. Don’t think I’ll ever love again. Don’t know how to see someone else as attractive. My kids see my hurt over new girlfriend. Ashamed. I should be stonger. How do I move on? What was wrong with me? Why was I never good enough for him to treat me with respect?

  186. sk says:

    i never thought this day would come….today i realized i need to break up…i am only 90% sure i need to break up, but the rest 10% is the confusion part+ realization of hurting him part+regret part…i am not what he wants and he is not what i thought he is. the only reason i would not be able to break up is the realization that i would hurt him….i don’t want to hurt anyone but i am not happy with him! he gets angry for small reasons n fights for small things, he never realized i never let him know that he hurts my self respect most of the time when he is joking or angry…..and i know i’m not gonna be able to tell him this all when he asks me the reason for our break up…m sure i’ll definitely end up as the bad guy….but he will never realize i am doing the both of us a favor….(but i am also hurting him)…….and at this point i don’t know what is right n what is not!and i don’t know when the break up will happen but i hate the fact that he led me to do this!…i don’t have any idea how i will deal with it all but i am just worried abt him…it sucks…!!!

  187. Olerato says:

    My boyfriend or should i say my fiance is seriously driving me over the edge. We were supposed to get married in October this year but because of his family it’s not going to happen. His family in fact told him that he is not going to get married until after four years. Personally i’m in no hurry to get married but because I love him truly very much and I know he’s the guy i want to spend my life with,I accepted his proposal last year when he asked me to marry him. Things were so great between us and his family liked me and we all got along really well but when he proposed everything changed. His mother started to control him and she even told him how she wants him to live his life,and he’s doing exactly what his mother says. His sisters and brothers are also practically controlling him and he’s just sitting back and following orders. This has put a huge strain on our relationship and no matter how many times i tell him how I feel,he won’t listen. We just bought a house together(which we were supposed to move into after the wedding) and we don’t know what to do with it because we can’t move in together before marriage(which will be in 4years) and the way his family is controlling him,we’ll probably constantly fight if we manage to convince our families that we moving in together.The controlling issue has been going on since Jan this year and it keeps getting worse. We are now spending our time together discussing how we will get through the family issues than focusing on us and having quality time. He recently moved in with his brother and he’s all the time rushing to get home because he doesn’t want to get home late(says he respects his brother). I don’t mind him getting home early but the manner in which he does it,it’s as though his family takes priority over me and it doesn’t really matter what we were doing or talking about,when he says he’s leaving,he actually leaves. I feel like i’m at a breaking point because I’ve talked to him, explained to him how i feel,begged him to understand but it hasn’t made any difference. I just wanna get out of the relationship,but I love him so so so much,i just don’t know how to do it and it’s hurts me so bad looking at him and thinking that i might never actually get to be with him for the rest of my life because of his family.

  188. Gina Marie says:

    My beautiful mother passed away 1/22/12. My family and I are devastated. My brother, Mike, and I got into a huge fight. Sadly, I had terrible withdrawal symptoms after being on ambien and zantax for a week after my mom passed but I needed help
    that week especially.
    I flipped out on my brother and he really didn’t deserve it. I apologized profusely and I know the med. withdrawal really messed me up.
    It’s been 3 months and he won’t talk to me, no emails, nothing. I took care of him when
    we were kids and mom was sick and it hurts SO much that he won’t let me back into his life. We only have him, my dad and myself in the US. We are all we have. Sadly, he has cut me out of his life in the past twice before. Once, for 8 months and another time for 7 months and it was always stupid crap. All that matters is health and happiness just like my dad always says. When will he realize that this is so unfair.

    Thank you for your advice and your ear. I pray one day we will be talking again but for now, like you said, I have to focus on myself.

  189. taysmith says:

    This is to shattered and broken.I kno and feel exactly wat u feel inside..there’s nothing wrong with us we for some reason feel the need to want something that’s unhealtyh for us.this pain is not fair and its gonna take a lot of time to make it stop.thing is while we are grieving they are living there lives without a care in the world we have to get out n meet people.they don’t know how to love and didn’t deserve us to start we were blinded bt the fake side of them love is not suppose to hurt this bad its not love when the other party can hurt you lile uou mean nothing they don’t know how to love we have to move fwwd some how

  190. Carol says:

    I was seeing this guy for almost three years now but i broke with him four months ago. I didn’t know i was going to be this hurt but depending on the nature of the relationship that we had I actually had to say enough is enough. He emotionally abused me for three years and I did not complain. My life has been dormant for three years and I blamed it on him for not doing anything about us. For me I think I tried the best that I could to save our dying relationship but he was reluctant in everything he couldn’t even talk to me on phone on the numerous times I called him and I think the bad things that he did not me outdo the good things that he did to me so I just its time for me to move on. However after gathering enough courage I texted him and told him to forget about everything and sure he did. This was not our first breakup, we had broken up several times but always got back together after me calling him and swallowing my pride and talk to him. I just didn’t want to take it anymore coz i was feeling used and manipulated and decided to hell with everything.
    However after a month or so I started missing him a lot but I don’t want to be the one to initiate everything but right now am feeling sick and am desperate I don’t know how to move on I have tried but I just can’t ave been mourning ever since we part ways though I know this was the best decision for us coz I don’t want to see the awkward things that guy used to do.

  191. shatterd and broken says:

    I am 30 years old my whole life i blocked any man from taking my heart i never loved just over a year ago i fell in love finally it was like my destiny everything fell into place with him he was my romeo then the day came he started cheating he would pick fights with me to leave for the weekend or fight just to go screw around come back and tell me he will never do this again 2 or 3 weeks later once again im left crying all alone after awhile the mental abuse came i was fat and nasty lazy and worthless i disgust him i make him sick i would go and kiss his head he would look at me and say im not hungry that made me sick etc i am 5″11 and weigh 150 lbs i feel like im huge and cannot look in the mirror well he left me again but this time its different no calls or text from him he has moved on but WHY does it feel like my soul is gone and my heart has been removed with a jagged knife?? he treated me like this and cheated lied manipulated me put me down why do i cry non stop and only wish for his return Im so lost. I begged him to come back to me like a pathetic loser what is my problem

  192. Mars says:

    Thank you Matt for what you said. It was very nice, and I teared up a little at the end.

  193. Angela says:

    Thats how i felt but we did live together for two years. Its been over a month and time to time i still hurt but ive gotten stronger. You feel like your gonna die when you lose someone you love but you wont think about all the bad stuff that happened that gets me through the day their is someone out there for you, someone to love you inside and out, someone thats gonna value you!

    Just wait for that sign when you feel that the world stop next to him sometimes we confuse love with being use that person we begin to think that its right to live in pain. Its not wether you have kids or not.

    Alway remember that you deserve the best because you are the best it only gets better….stay strong!

  194. janvi says:

    I loved a guy and he too loved me a lot. Our relation is from last 4 years. He always fight with me and abuses me for little things which i can’t bear, but he never understands me. we have panned for marriage even for children too but now its very difficult for me to live with him. Then i have decided to leave him. Now i m dying without him and surely die without him.

  195. Christina says:

    My boyfriend broke up with me a little over 3 years ago. It was a difficult situation. We fell madly in love one summer when we where both living and working in London at the time. I am Danish and He is Australian. In the beginning it was never meant to be anything more than a summer fling, but things soon developed and when I had to go home to Denmark to start university, we could not let go of each other, as we had planned. The short story is that my Australian moved to Denmark to be with me it was in 2008 just when the financial crisis hit. He had great difficulty with finding a job here, and his situation was hard on him and the relationship. He moved back to Australia, to start his Masters. We stayed together for the first few months, keeping in contact over Skype. It was very difficult being so far away for each other and we often cried. One day pretty much without any explanation he broke up with me. The week before he had written to me how much he loved me and that I was the most important thing is his life. After he broke up with me he cut me off for almost a year without any explanation. I was in Australia studying for a semester in 2010, something I had planned to do when me and my Australian were still together, and him breaking up with me was not going to change my plan, so I went to a completely different City than where he lived. At the end of my stay when I was traveling around I went by Melbourne where he lived and we met up,.This was the first time that I saw him since he broke up with me, in the beginning I didn’t feel anything for him, but pretty soon all my feelings came back. We talked about the break up and he apologized to me be saying that at the time he thought it was best because of our difficult situation. He also explained that it had more to do with him. At the time I was very angry with him, but I could clearly see in his eyes that he still loved me even though he tried to hide it. I went back to Denmark continued with my studies got another boyfriend and tried to be happy. My Australian finished his masters got a great job and seemed to be succeeding in all the things he weren’t when we where together. I am also almost done with my studies. The Thing is That I still love my Australian with all my heart, I was 21 when we met and I am 25 now. I have tried with all my body and soul to move on. But for some reason I can’t let go. I have the opportunity to go back to Australia soon, and we have talked about meeting. I know he thinks that what is in the past is in the past. He has given up on ever finding love. And says he just wants to be alone. It is like the moment he broke up he shut down and drowned his emotions. My dilemma is now should I meet up with him, well knowing that he might not feel the same way about me. I wanna be able to say that I have tried all, and all would be going all the way to Australia to see him. And finally being able to see for myself that he doesn’t love me. Should I go all the way to Australia to see the love of my life, and risk having my heartbroken again?

  196. Depressed says:

    I have been single for five years. I was with my x-boyfriend for nine years. He was abusive physically and emotionally but I still love him. I was planning our wedding when he put a restraining order on me saying I was abusing him. I did not know this until four sheriff cars with sirens racing pulled up to my house and informed me that I had twenty minutes to remove my belongings. I could only take my clothes. The next day, I found out he moved in a girl he was seeing. One month later they were married. My brain knows that this is the best thing that could have ever happened. But, my heart is in a million pieces. I hide away and stay away from everyone. I never want to be hurt this way again. Yet, I feel lonely and depressed. I keep saying time will heal, but it hasn’t healed me.

  197. The Thinker says:

    Letting go of a loved one is always a difficult thing to do. When you love someone deeply, taking that person out of your life is like tearing away a part of yourself. The pain can be very intense.
    1. Really ACCEPT what has happened.
    2. Allow yourself to grieve but NOT in destructive ways i.e, alcohol, drugs or other risky ways. This only makes it worse and will prolong your suffering….I KNOW because I’ve done this repeatedly only to realize, the only person I am hurting IS MYSELF. Realize your ex is NOT going to feel compassion and rush in to save the day on a white horse – Save yourself.
    3. Talk to someone – Friends, counselor. I tried counseling and friends but for me, I kept reading articles to understand what sometimes has no real logical answer other than, the person left.
    4. Force yourself to get out. This will be hard at first especially if you’ve built your world around someone else. That’s part of the problem, never lose yourself in someone else. Do things with friends, passions like reading and activities that define you always even when love comes knocking again.
    5. Do something new – Take a class or an activity you always wanted too. I’ve learned how to rock climb and kayak. The sense of achievement ROCKED! And I took a class at college and met new friends.
    6. Take one day at a time – This sounds like hogwash but it’s true. Up and down days will certainly come but the saying,”This too shall pass is true with enough time as long as you are really committed to dealing with the situation.
    Going through the loss of a relationship can be long and difficult process. But remember that you are not alone and everyone has been through it, sometime or the other. Learning to let go, no matter how deeply you loved the person, is essential if you are to move on with your life.

    Pain and suffering are inevitable parts of our lives in this journey but misery is an OPTION. Love is not ownership of another, it’s unconditional. Instead of trying to alter the circumstance, perhaps allow the circumstance to alter us in a more positive direction of knowing our true selves. We can only learn from what the lesson is trying to teach us if we stop wallowing in it. If we do not learn, it will repeat until we do. Aren’t you tired of that? We only have this moment, so let’s cherish the gift of life in this moment. God bless

  198. Destiny says:

    Hello

    Love is so confusing and painful. I feel like I’m being torn into pieces and it hurts like “HELL”. I met someone and fell in love with him he is my co-worker we both work in China as a teacher. It was fun and exciting at first it was perfect he swept me of my feet made me complete. But like any other love story all has it’s ending it’s just mine wasn’t the happily ever after. We had plans together we wanted to do alot of things together. I blame myself mostly because of some argument we were having lately ever since we transferred to a new workplace we would always have the small arguments, then we are okay again then back to the depressed, angry, silent treatment couple. Last time we had a discussion is were we both said some things we can never take back, now we are parting ways and i don’t know what to do. I tried to stop him but I know that he wants to go and be free again. I just hope i can survive this agonizing pain inside me and the fear of not being able to move forward and my wounded heart I am not sure if it will be okay again. We meet people but i guess most of the time we were never meant to keep them. We had so much plans, dreams and we were sure that we are going to make it happen but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

  199. Destiny says:

    Hello

    My life was normal before I met him and I have accepted my life to be dull and well not exciting to many people. I’m a teacher in China and in this country I met someone I never wanted to cross path with because I am afraid of pain, depression, and misery of what love brings to people when it is time to say goodbye. Although fear creeps in my mind my heart was weak I fell in love with him and had been staying with him here in China for about 7 months now. We had our ups and down but we always get through to those hardships and struggle but now because maybe of alot of factors like homesickness, boredom, tiredness from workplace, colleagues as well as the whole thing here in China we are parting ways. The bottom line is I feel like “HELL” I never knew that loving someone can hurt like this it is so hard somewhat driving me insane I want to stop him from leaving me but i know that it wouldn’t be right because he wants to go. I have to let him go and move on with my life but I’m in pain I wish it doesn’t hurt like “HELL” and the problems is this type of pain has no cure but time. We had so much plans together having kids, house by the beach, traveling but then it all comes down to saying goodbye. I’m in pain and trying really hard but it feels worse when ever i realize his gone I tried to stop him but it didn’t work and it hurts I wish someone had told me that there is such a pain that cannot be cured by any medicine. Letting go is so difficult but i know it’s for the best only time will tell if my wounds will heal.

  200. jessie says:

    It is a year since I found out that he had someone else and had been double crossing us both and only had to make a decision to tell me because she found out and he had to make a choice or lose her.
    Had I known I would never have wanted to continue
    and he knew that.

    He is still with her and although I could never want him back it still hurts as I am not over it. I thought he was sincere when he declared his love and stupidly thought I was different from all the others he had behaved like this with.

    I still miss all the good aspects I have lost and there is such an empty hole I can’t fill. So many reminders. Why do I think about it more when it is over than I did when it wasn’t?

  201. matt says:

    If your here your obvioubsly hurting.. and all i can say kindred spirits is that if you stay in the light of life, and dont let the heartbreak make you bitter you can become even greater than you were before the encompassing relationship. Although the one you love may not be with you physically.. what i do is take 5 deep breaths and remember that what we shared was eternal. and although we are not together i feel her in spirit, and there i love her unconditonally.. To live on.. to continue to try and make yourself the best person you can be.. to take the pain and find it in a different light. that.. is what true love is all about. IT was never about them completing you. It was always about being given the tools… even though they may be painful to complete yourself. True love.. is bitter sweet. but its beauty is worth all to me.. and i beleive it meant all to you. :) much love to you who is reading this. May your troubles become your companions.. and when all hope seems lost.. know that many feel as you do. all u have to do is but reach out with your mind.. and together in our helplessness we may find peace. :)

  202. taysmith says:

    Goodmorning hon I read your email about ur revenge path and if noone in this world knows wat you are going through I do I jus went on one as well by making my guy loose his job and I still feel worst because I realize no matter what we can’t force noone to change or make them love us. We start to feel guilty it effects our daily living.I can’t even go to work I feel ripped I feel ugly I don’t love my life or myself its even effecting my parenting skills. I kno its easier said then done but he’s gonna need you and that baby too him and that new b**ch are not gonna be happy I promise you we have to get up lift our heads up n pray god will send us someone to love us the way we choose to n if he abused you he’s gonna beat the hell out of her soon too he still loves you but men are dogs immature liars and only truly care for them selves I kno it hurts n if u need someone to listen I’m here I just want to be happy it can’t stay like this for us forever it has to go away our kids need us although I can’t follow my own advice be strong don’t get like me ok…I’m sure ur bueatiful n sweet kind a new beginning is near when one door closes another opens

  203. KJ says:

    I left my boyfriend of 7 years a little over a month ago. Even though I know in my head it was the right thing to because he abused me a few times over the years and has a drinking problem, my heart is breaking. We have a 2 year old son, and the first couple of weeks after I left, he was telling me that he would do anything to put his family back together. I told him that I would let him work through his issues from a distance, but would help him in any way that I could. He stopped calling, and stopped seeing our son and I wanted to know why so I went to see him. I found him with another woman. She left her husband and 1 year old son and moved in with him a few days later. I am completely devastated. I have never been so angry at someone in my life and have gone down the revenge path. I told him he could not see our son, mostly because of his drinking, but now there is an unstable woman involved. I have so much anxiety, that I can’t sleep, eat, and I barely even function. How do I let all of this go, and move forward???

  204. pinkie says:

    My husband left 3 weeks ago, we’d had problems and he’s left several times before but this time there was no great argument he left and won’t speak to me. We moved to a remote place miles away from family and friends last year and whilst I have made friends it’s not the same. I can’t afford to go home as I wouldn’t have anywhere to live or a job, so I’m here pretty scared very lonely and he won’t talk to me. I still love him even though I know he’s not right for me and the things he does are cruel. How do I get on with my life without him, I just can’t see a life for me after this other than being on my own forever more. I’m in my 50’s and very, very sad

  205. Locks says:

    I have been married for 4 1/2 years. Our first year of marriage my husband cheated on me with a woman he met on the web, who also thought she was pregnant by him. since then my husband has been having inappropriat conversations with many women on the web, and even explicit picture of himself. he has said he was going to delet it all but he never did he just change his name and block it to where i can’t find his page. He has given out his number to these women letting them know what time they can call. when i confronted him he said i had these friends before we got married, its all just a fantasy! I am making plans to move out!

  206. Sandy Guy says:

    He actually called last week and said he’d call later but he never did. I think my mistake is making him so perfect in my mind. I don’t know how to change the way I feel. He is the one I want to marry. Other men are dull compared to him. He is funny and smart and interesting. I’ll always wish we were together. My wound was healing but since he called I have the same pain.

  207. IFeelSoAlone says:

    all she could say was she wants me to go etc she couldnt even look me in the eye nt even take care . so after killing myself over a girl and a promisd she made me make as much as i wanted . i decide 2 go bk her house a second time but her mum was at work n begged her to stop and forgive me for whatever reason but she was completely different anc cold. so i left thd rest of the stuff she gave me at the start of our relationship … then i tried 1 last time before i left anc pleeeeedeeeeeed my hart out and shd told me just leave with your dignity… so i leave. i msg her a couple times later she never replied n called her once but no answer… we donr everything together, why do u think shd became like this

  208. IFeelSoAlone says:

    I was with my gf since secondary school. This is where she told ME she liked me, so i gave it a chance. That was my first serious relationship . So bout 2 years later now weve made it to college . Yh we argue now and then like every little couple but thats normal. So after like a week that was pretty good i slept over her house for 2 days n she left to go college so i fixed up her house n went home. Then i got home i had a jacket to suprise her but i tricked her saying im going to need the 1 i gave u before bk over the phone . So she arrived with her friends but she just gives the jacket anc walks off and dosn’t make contact for a week so i call her n she is completely a different person. And this girl loved me sooooo much blv me, i even took her viginity n was first boy friend she done everything with n only her second bf after her first which was a dare. so i go to her house n give her bk the stuff she got me like cards, my chain etc . then i call her later n she had no love at all to show

  209. broken heart says:

    Its sad to see a lot of people going through this. I recently was dumped by my fiance. She was 26 and I am 32. I was her second real relationship and we both fell in love from the first day we hung out. That feeling that you have known this person your entire life and had been waiting for them. We were inseperable, we did everything together. We traveled, cooked and just hung out. She became my best friend, my inspiration, my love. We were soulmates. Over the course of our 2 yrs we had some arguments mainly because im a hard headed. Her only fault was that she didnt express her feeling (meaning if something bothered her she would rather keep quite). She did this a few times where she would bottle things in and then out of hast make irrational decisions. I tried to tell that we need to talk about things, so dont worry if you upset me. I loved her and saw my life with her and she felt the same,but over time she grew distant. She wanted a man to by her side and I thought I was doing it. I didnt realize how things were getting, one day, right before a trip we were planning she told that we needed to talk. I knew where this was going. She gave up on me and us and told me that things havent changed and that she was unhappy. We go from talking about our wedding to breaking everything off. My heart dropped and I wanted to die.
    I tried to understand and it hasnt helped. I ve been in horrible relationships in the past, from getting cheated on emotional rollercoaster. In turn from those I picked up a lot of bad habits that I needed to break. I never cheated on my fiance or looked at another women like I looked at her.
    What I had was a blessing, and the tables have turned where I pushed her away. I’ve never hurt after my other failed relationships because of how bad they were. unfortunatly I failed this time, I failed to show her things were changing and bad habits are getting fixed. But at that point it was to late.
    The love of my life is gone, the one person who knew me, who listened, the one person that truly and unconditionaly loved me. My soulmate is gone and I’ve been trying to cope.
    Its been a struggle letting someone go, when they were everything you ever wanted in a person and in a relationship.

  210. Lil Lozenger says:

    I don’t believe you should let go of a loved one, or a person that once meant something to you, I believe that they were part of your life for a reason, and at the time you were happy to have them as part of your life, so you should just accept they were part of your life, and they made you who you are today,a relationship break up hurts, yes, but sometimes relationship break up’s make your next relationship better, you learn from your mistakes in a past relationship, and learn not to make them again in the next relationship, yes it hurts, but it happens, and one day someone will come along and make you realise why all your other relationships didn’t work you, just be patient, and enjoy the ride, there will be ups and down’s, Good and bad, but it’s all worth it in the end! :)

  211. Charming Clover says:

    dear jay,

    i understood ur feeling, but if that is what he wants you have to let him go, my boy also same, i love him so much bt he dowan me rdy, i cried alot, i couldnt bare with it, i never eat and sleep, i become too weak, but one day while im on my bed, i have sumkind of thought. i think am i going to be like this forever ?

    Jay, y dont you go on in ur life with his memories, keep going, if u cant forget him then y r u trying for that, keep him in ur memories. :) everyting will be going on smooth, u got watch titanic ? the gurl lives till the end and keep the jack in her memory :)

    That is love. dont try too much to forget him, just think he is with you, but the only thing you need to do is :) just follow your life pathway, one day everyting will change :). believe me…

  212. Movingon says:

    Reading these stories are sad but a part of life. I think through relationships (both good and bad) we discover things about ourselves. Things that make us flourish and things that make us realize areas we need to work on or improve. Regret is a terrible thing to live with and being we can’t change the past lets work on moving forward reflecting off our past experiences using it as a guide to a more successful future. And to the woman whose boyfriend abuses her THAT IS NOT OK!!!

    I’ve dated a lot, some great guys but didn’t feel any attraction for and quite a few messed up guys who really destroyed me. The best advice I have for all of you is never lose faith in yourself and never underestimate your self worth. You will NEVER be able to control other people but you can control the people you allow into your life and keep there. YES I’ve been in the situation too where I fell in love for the bad guy and thought staying in a toxic relationship was better than no relationship but reflecting back on it I couldn’t be happier that things ended (it took a long time to accept that).

    Start by working on creating healthy boundaries for yourself. What you will and wont accept in a relationship and stick to it. Don’t make excuses for other people. LOVE IS A BEAUTIFUL EMOTION THAT SHOULD NEVER HURT! When it does hurt, when we do lose a partner we love it means their love was never there 100%. How awful is it to love someone who can no longer give you 100% of themselves when you give them so more than that. Once you start creating healthy boundaries for yourself you will start to put things into a brighter perspective. Write them down, read them everyday, remind yourself your boundaries are what will define you in your relationship and future relationships.

    You have your whole life ahead of you. Enrich it with positive affirmations. Know that the people who want to be in your life will make an effort to do so, and vica versa. There are so many wonderful things that can come from a negative relationship and its the empowerment and self discovery that you were able to move on that brings out this inner strength you never knew existed.

    THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP YOU WILL EVER HAVE IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE IS THE ONE YOU HAVE WITH YOURSELF. Its ok to be a little selfish sometimes. You need a healthy dose of selfishness because it comes in the form of self respect. Trust me once you learn to work on the relationship you have with yourself and set healthy boundaries you’ll realize something so amazing about yourself and no one can take that away from you.

    Remember the past is the past, we can’t do anything to change it. We can’t make people fall in or out of love with us. We can’t control other individuals. We can’t blame ourselves for regret anymore. We need to focus on taking all these past experiences and use it as our platform to grow and there is no better time than to start right now.

  213. Kris says:

    It’s sad reading these comments. There’s a lot of descent guys out there but a lot of them are going to be shy, hard-working, probably not the suave player types who know how to seduce women. You’ll find these guys jogging, at the park, at coffeehouses, churches, libraries, music festivals, and sometimes at clubs and pubs. You can spot them because they might not be the smoothest or most articulate or best dressed, but you know what, they’ll be nice and loyal and have a steady income. Don’t fall in love with the players. You want to meet a nice guy, move to North Dakota, where the discovery of oil has lured hundreds of men for high paying jobs, or move to Alaska or Colorado or South Florida, where it’s a bunch of guys.

  214. Margie says:

    10 Years ago my first boyfriend ever killed himself because he said he didnt want to live without me. Before I met him he was depressed and he used to say I was the only thing that kept him here. I thought it was sweet but he really was in a lot of pain because of things that happened to him when he was young. He was a compulsive liar but I felt sorry for him. I always think that maybe if I had just let him go he’d be alive today. Either way its been 10 years and Im still in a lot of pain. The relationship was heading somewhere bad. I believe he is fine. God understands our pain. He knows us better than we know ourselves

  215. Glo says:

    I married after knowning him for three months. He told me everything about him and I must have been in dream land. He had a bad live and he was a bad person and I was different. He was saved (so he was living a lie) and I am saved. I had been married over 25 good yrs and was grieving the lost of my late husband. Three’s after his death, I wanted to love again. This man said and did all the things I desired. He told me he takes meds and I thought well we are in our 50’s so mabe highblood meds. No I did not feel good to ask and oh no…he takes meds to make him act right morning and night -Mania Depression. He left me broke and loseing my home. He told me a 50 yr old woman to get lost. I have grown children who respect and honor me. This person has made a mess of everything I stood for. He came back for 90 days to finish messing up my life and said he is really done now. There was no reason I could see for this on my part, only that he start to abuse me by verb and phsc. I know that God saved me from him, my love is still true.
    It is hard and I am trying to keep going.

  216. Kitty says:

    Hi I’m 19 now turning 20. I just finished my first year in college and things haven’t been great. So where do i start. Lets start with the fact that something really really scaring happened a few years back and it took me nearly 3 years to even start talking to guys, but in those 3 years my best guy friend Joe was the number one reason I got over it. I’ve dated occasionally since then but nothing ever felt right or lasted for more then a month. Now I’m in college first year and all and Joe and I tried going out Oct 2011 it was long distance yes but it worked texted and called each other. In the beginning he still wanted me to look for someone else while at college but that’s kind of hard since I have trust issues and there aren’t that many guys who peek my interest on campus or off. Joe & I made it official during winter break he visited me every day we went out to dinners occasionally, bought each other gifts, he came to a lot of family parties, and so on. After I went back to college he came up for Valentines day, which was amazing.

    But for a while now he seems to be getting more and more stressed between his work, which doesn’t really pay enough, his family, and his medical condition. I though after spring break we would break up but we didn’t and after Easter he even brought me back to college and staid a few days. This made me realize how much better life was with him around, all my girlfriends have hooked up with guys so I’m usually left out a lot of the time. I cried and I think he felt helpless to help me. That Saturday I was told by my mom that Joe stopped by to talk to the family and that he seemed a little off. It was that Sunday that he text and called me breaking up with me. he said “its not you its the distance I can’t stand not being there for you and you not being here for me.”

    I cried for a week straight my grades weren’t the greatest back then(this was about 3 weeks ago) Well since then I’ve been thinking and I feel that he just has to many stresses that he doesn’t want to burden me with, but I still want to be with him even if the only thing we do together is cuddle and watch movies and put his life back together.We have still been texting its just not every night, and he tends to work everyday with many long long hours.

    Now I go home in 5 days and I’m getting nervous. Last night the subject of us kinda came up and he asked “Have you tried to move on and find someone new?” and I my reply was how hard it is to find non jerks on a partying college campus. It was then I asked him what else was up because I want to have the us talk when I’m home and face to face with him, He said he’s falling deeper and deeper into debt. Now I have a feeling this is the issue that broke us up because his personality is that he always wants to take care of me and provide for me, but even if that’s not there he does all that for me just by cuddling with me.

    So I guess what my question is is should I try to get back together with him when I go back home or should I just help him figure it out as a friend and see if we can get back together when he’s stable again? I really could use some help…No one else has been able to help me out on this whole thing.

  217. gaby says:

    my situation is kind of stupid maybe ..i am 21 and I’m married to a wonderful man we have 2 kids and i love him .. The thing is i still battle with my past i dated a guy for 5months and gave him my all i lost my virginity to him i was 15 he was amazing but then he had to move away we broke up just because of that both young and dumb but i still hurt over this and wonder what could have happened if only heed stay… I then meet my husband when i was 17 gave him a chance because after that guy i didn’t date i was to scared to hurt and even tho i love my husband this still bothers me what can i do how can i erase my past this other guy became a d#!&$ bag after he moved just to make me get over him but that didn’t work 6 yrs later n i still think about him some x HELP!

  218. Melissa mcguire says:

    This message is for SCORPIO GURL:
    Girl it looks like you have someone really special in your life. From what your saying looks like he really cares. As hard as it may be to believe, there actually are some really good people out there. Some people that will love us back just as we love them. Have faith in GOD that you were lucky enough to be blessed with one, trust him unless he gives you reasons to doubt. But by controlling him you are setting the relationship upnfor doom because we cannot try to control someone else. Something you should focus on is loving yourself,and once youve mastered that things like this wont be such a stressful problem.you are beautiful, kind, smart and important ! Sometimes we dont see in outselves the things that others see, so have confidence in yourself.
    But my love ( trust me i have felt this way before) but never ever think about suicide. If GOD chooses to take someone out of your life it was only for the better. He has a plan for us and has already picked someone for us to be with. We are just taken the path of experience and lessons. He has also chosen some to come into our lives and teach us that some things dont last forever, and some people have t move on. Good luck and remember to keep GOD and family first, there all we have in the end!

  219. Angie says:

    Stumbled across this website looking for books that would make this ache in my heart go away. My high school sweetheart, my best friend, my soul mate left me in an email after 6 years. We have been apart for 6 years no and i still love her, but I don’t want to anymore.

    I just want to rip my heart from my chest

  220. kimberly says:

    I am married to an emotionally and sometimes physical abusive man. This is our second marriage to each other. He is currently in jail on a probation violation and refuses to call me. He is only calling his mom. He has always told me I would never come first in his life, but I keep thinking that someday I will. I gave up everything I had to marry him again. Now I want to leave him while he is locked up and I am so scared. I feel like I can’t live without him. I only have one day left before he comes home & the abuse starts again. I feel like if I couldn’t move on the first time with him, I won’t be able to now. I know in my heart he doesn’t love me. Why am I so undecided about leaving him and starting a new life??

  221. taysmith says:

    We are all dealing with heartache but I feel its our own fault.first of all love is never suppose to hurt someone we love and is suppose to love us back should neva want us to hurt they cudnt even imagine us in pain,I bet before this pain there was other pain that we jus forgave being weak.if someone does one wrong thing they will do a million more.god always gives us warning sign after warning sign but we continiously forgive.when it reaches its breaking point that’s jus him removing the devil out of our lives and opening doors for a new love hopefully this time a real love for thick n thru then till death do us part is wat love really is u shudnt grow tired of ur love u shudnt even be able to imagine a day without them if him or her can do that then what kind of love is that.we must follow signs early n if we think with our brains n stead of our hearts we wud be better off those 2 need to match if we feel pain from someone at this moment they don’t love us now and ladies stop thinking bcuz someone has sex with you that’s love cuz at any moment they’d stick it in someone else love yourself first then we will kno the true meaning of love love god follow him n he will bring you true love a love that never hurts and neva eva dies be strong time heals ALL

  222. esther says:

    Hi
    I am also in a 11 year relationship. I am 42 with two teenagers. I fell inlove 11 years ago. Stuck with this guye through all his drinking days his family verbal abuse. His kids making my life a misery. We are not yet married. I had a house and car fully paid for. I had a job with pension medical etc. I gave it all up because of his promises. Now I am stuck here in natal with no family no car and no future. I feel lost and hopeless. I know I don’t belong in this family. They back stab and interfere with evrything. I know I nees to leave cause me and my kids are depressed. But I am so scared of facing a future alone. He claims to love me and that he wants to fix things. But he works overseas 6 months of a year sometimes more. We have grown apart. I have lost my confidence and feel worthless and usless. How can I be an example to my kids when I feel so pathetic. I need to start my life all over again my kids need to finish their education. It all feels so daunting. I am so petrified. I can’t even think straight or positive anymore. I hate waking up but I know I can’t just leave my kids. If I never had them to fend for I would have just left this life. I hate what some men do to us and the decent ones are so far and few

  223. taysmith says:

    Awwwhh I feel your pain and I kno your hurting 8 years is a long time to be with someone and then jus get disregarded and now this bastard is trying to be with his ex I’m heartbroken as well and I’m tryna heal.I’m sure ur a bueatiful girl and when one door closes another one opens you have to believe in that.he will pay for your pain you can’t go around hurting peopl and excpect happy days be around supportive friends I will write if u need me to be strong don’t let him tear you down he will pay…don’t think about although I kno it stings its like some1 digging a knife in your heart and twisting and twisting if u don’t have kids it will be better ok

  224. jay says:

    So here is my story…..
    The love of my life that we were 8-9years together decided to end everything… We were already living together 3years and it kills me soo much because he doesn’t have the nerves to tell me things in my face… A week ago he told me he needed space after a big arguement we had, after that he didn’t want to talk to me…. I did evrything in my will to find a way to find out what’s going on… Till we seen each other and he acted like nothin was wrong after he been avoiding me for days….. Then he told me he just needed a small break. I knew in my heart something woww was going on…. The next day I find out he is trying to get back with his ex…. Talking to other females etc……..He blames me of our separation saying that I.drove him away…..I feel so horrible ….we were getting married in Oct…..I feel crushed angry….Like why me….He said he didnt want to say that truth because I wouldnt have let go of him…….how I going to deal with this…..I been crying for 8days straight….I feel a big emtional attachment…its like my soul wants him.
    I need advice please.. 8-9year relationship is hard to let go…….and he wants me to let go…..I feel like I cant:'(

  225. Kinley says:

    I just separated from my on again off again boyfriend whom I lived with for a year. He had a volatile temper and during the last argument we had came at me and pushed me against the wall. I had asked him to move out the day before because I found emails to a family member that said he was unhappy and wanted to move out. I know it’s time for this relationship to finally end although it still hurts so much. How can I care for someone who doesn’t treat me well?

  226. Scorpio GUrl says:

    hai :( , i dont know whether anyone listening about me or nt, but hope so i gt the attention.

    I feel too depressed past 1 year back, ol this because of the relationship i am now. :( actually i am 21 years old gurl and i am working in a royal malaysian air force, and my boyfren working in air force too, after 6 months of death trainning i was posted to one of the country base in malaysia, my boy fren was there too, its natural ,we train under the sun , so i become so dark , and somemore as i got some allergic of foods, during trainning time i couldnt care about my foods properly so i got the allergic and i got a pimples on my face, i am dark and pimples somemore, this made me really crazy., but my boyfren propose me although my face like this, he loves me alot.. i accept him becayse he is so good guy. He is so good until I fall for him across the limit, i love him more than my family, its alrdy one year, can say i am from loaded family, my brother is a surgeon,another bro is a engineer and my sister is a businesswomen, i am the youngest, but my boyfren family is a very poor family, but still i like him because i dont go after his money, i only look for his love. But since last year i got a down character, i think im ugly compare to other gurls, nowdays girls likes to make up, but actual thing is i dont like to make up, i like to be natural, so everytime i luk at pretty girl i scart my boy wil go for any beauty girl, but he is not. He is still with me and never been talk about other gurl.. he always says im beautiful. :( Although he never says he wants me to look pretty but i could understand by myself. I alrdy tried alot of product to remove this acnes , but not working. And nowdays i always fight with him, ask him to go and look for other girls, but he is so patienter, he jus silent everytime i say that, and let me cry, after some days he come back to me again,, and somemore i control him alot, i said he cannot watch movies alot because nowdays movies are so terrible, no good morals, alot about sex , so i scart he wil follow the negative way, I see him like baby, teach him a – z which is good which is not good, to tel frankly i am a typical gurl, i dont like to follow new trands, i like to be myself,,, but i just thinking that im too stupid :( ,, i think i am not good gurl, i think i shouldn’t love that guy and torcher him like this, but i love him too much rdy,, i can say if he din tok to me or if he left me for another gurl, i wil die thinking him,,i wont suicide but i wil die thinking each seconds about him. But i dowan him to be with me also, as i wan him to deserve more good gurl…my family and his family knows about our love rdy. my family people agreed although different status. But i am the one couldnt take this .. :( i think i am not suitable for him,,, i wan to keep ol his memory and die in future without marrying others. because i know i cant love anybody else more than him… i dont know what should i do :'(

  227. taysmith says:

    I read your email and I promise you I feel ur pain after a year of me being involved with an unemployed guy whom I let into me and my childrens life cuz I thought he was good.came into my life I helped him get a job and now my services are n longer needed now that he has $$ I feel he met someone else he dosent call he lies cuts his phone off I feel so low I’m such a good person n i also feel pain when I love we have to stop settling n loving men more than we love ourselves I kno you are in pain but we can’t feel this way forever they can’t get away with breaking our hearts and then just walking away there gonna have to answert to that you have to do what I do and talk only to positive people who are sensitive to your feelings that make u feel better I even passed out the other day I feel so helpless and alone but have to be strong for my kids when one door closes another opens you will heal I’m sure your a bueatiful person in and out and he will eventually need you I promise god bless you and you will find the love you deserve in a matter of time.

  228. Sarah says:

    Never doubt yourself. Letting go is hard, living in an unfulfilling relationship is ultimately harder.

  229. Neo says:

    I broke up with my girlfriend 2 months ago or rathr she broke up wif…I can’t say but I remembr callin her sayin I love u…n she cudn’t reply n instead hung up! 2x in d 3rd tym she shouted at me..n dat was where it started… she didn’t apologize for dat Night n sum days latr we argued n she unfriended me from every social network… ******* She’s lyk d air I breath…. How do I go abt 4getn her letting go of her..cos she’s moved but I havn’t…its been tough n its already affecting my tests and exams…

  230. David says:

    Don’t doubt yourself Nat! You left your fiance’ for good reason. I separated from my wife for 6 months and then took her back, she fooled around while separated and I didn’t. I am so miserable and feel more trapped then ever before. I love our 2 kids more then the world.

    My point is, she made me unhappy before and now it’s even worse.

    Also lost, just a bit further along :)

  231. Natalie says:

    I just broke up two days ago with my fiance and my partner of 10 years, high school sweet hearts, my best friend.

    We grew apart, I was left behind.. holding the relationship together on a hope that I would get my old love back. I let him toss me aside year after year, and I guess the hurt just built up. With the wedding approaching in 7 mths it got too much and the promise of a painful future was too much.

    The pain is so hard, it hurts so much. I don’t want to leave, I love him so much, our lives are so entwined together.

    Should I be doubting myself?? I feel lost.

  232. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and lives here – I know it helps to write about letting go of someone you love! If it doesn’t help you, it definitely helps other people who are going through the same thing. When they read your comments, they feel less alone.

    This article is for Elizabeth:

    Your Ex-Boyfriend Finds You on Facebook – Should You Be Friends?

    I hope it helps, and send warm wishes to everyone.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  233. Trina says:

    I have been with this older guy for almost 2 years now. The first year we had to hide our relationship because of my parents. They did not want us together at all. They found out about it and my mother was devistated. She couldn’t believe i lied to her for that long. I lost all trust with my parents. I loved him so much that i was blinded by what i was doing to my family. I still continued to see him but we argued all the time. He would go to the bars, not answer his phone and expect me to be completely fine the next day. Everything was about him and when i was hurt he appologized and it was all supposed to be better. When he was “hurt” he wouldn’t answer his phone, didn’t want to talk, break up with me. I have left him once but it didn’t last long. He has left me many times, i would want to get back together but we never did till he was ready. I found out he cheated on me and he told me on my 18 birthday. My heart was torn out and ripped up. I partied, got my mind off of it and two days later he tried talking to me. We talked for a long time and eventually got back together. I never got over it and he got mad at me for going out to parties when we were apart! He still went to the bars and didn’t talk to me and he wonders why i always think about him cheating. I wanted to leave so bad, but couldn’t. He thought i had a thing with his best friend behind his back, but i would never do that. He told me to f off and to never talk to him again. Took me almost a year to figure out if i really wanted to leave him or not and it took him 2 minutes.

  234. its hard says:

    i was in a relationship for 4 years.. he was my soul mate , my high school sweetheart…but we broke up because i found he was talking to this other girl in senior year.. it was hard for me to understand why he have done that to me if i was good to him.. we stop talking and then months later he started texting me , calling me .. telling me he was sorry .. so i took him back.. i started being really insecure with myself and our relationship .. i feel like i was never good enough for him.. and biggest fear was loosing him.. or him going back to the girl he played me with.. i was doing things that push him away.. and my biggest fear came to true .. he started dating her .. and he inlove with her.. it hard to watch the person you love ..love someone else .. and i dont know what to do..its hard to deal with this situation.. i feel stupid for even having feelings or caring about him after what he did to me .. idk how to react ..i have so much pain inside is crazy.. i never that i would feel like for a person..i cant stop thinking about him.. i feel dumb for even caring about what happen ..when he dont even care.. ugh ..help?

  235. Eugene says:

    I loved her so/But her feelings were not so/For that my life is in woe/To think my heart would become my greatest foe/My only option is to kill it, for this wound, I can never resow/Just so you know, youre not the only one having a hard time letting it go/Remember, if you feel those occasional tears, let them flow/Because although your love was top tier, it was only viewed as “so?”. Email me if you would like to talk: Last_Uchiha@yahoo.com

  236. Elizabeth says:

    Hi Laurie,

    I just purchased your book on 75 ways to let go. My first love found me on Facebook after 20 years of no contact (he requested me).

    I was the one that broke up this relationship over 20 years ago due to my own insecurities (I later came to realize what a big mistake I made). I was only 18 when the break-up took place, and I know he was really hurt by it back then. There was no closure because I never told him the truth, as I was emotionally immature at the time. I did not really mean to break up with him, but when I tried to talk to him a few months after the breakup (closure), he did not want to talk to me anymore because he thought that I broke up with him to be with someone else (which was not the case). I loved him very much at the time, and I still had feelings for him after all these years – I never forgot about him but I went on with my life anyway.

    However It turns out that he still has feelings for me too, based on what he posts on his Facebook status – all pointing back to the past he had with me… I try not to pay attention, but it is very obvious. Not to mention that he invited me to attend 2 different events since finding me on FB (one being a party at his house). When I resisted, he tried to convince me to attend, though I never went. He also keeps up with all my posts and pictures on FB, even commenting “beautiful” on my pics, in which all of our mutual friends are aware of.

    We are both married, and I have kids. It seems to me like he is not happy in his marriage, but I do love my spouse. However, I feel like since accepting his friendship on Facebook, it has brought up all these strong feelings that I used to have for him so many years ago, but I’m not willing to sabotage the life that I have now, which is why I’m keeping my distance from him (FB “friend” is as far as it will go).

    Any immediate advice for my situation? (it will take me a while to read your 68 page ebook!) Thank you so much in advance.

  237. Angela says:

    @ amanda, loosing your true love does hurt and alot is like you loose apart of you, u dont have to forget him just remember the memories remeber that if hes meant to be with you one day you will be together again, there will be other girls and guys in your life but it dont mean you have to forget your first if its meant for you matter the time or distance you guys will one day be together hes not gone if you take him in ur heart.

  238. Amanda says:

    well this is my situation..I have 15 years old..and the boy haves 15 years old too..and I’ve never been in love before , but now i really am … :( thing is that hes my first love,and im hes first love too..and we love each other so much but heres the problem, when we were about to have a relationship, he tells me that hes moving to miami,florida because hes mom is going to move there so he haves to go with her even if he doesnt want to.. Yesterday he left.. we were together few hours but then i saw him leave.. it hurts so much and I even cry alot :( hes my everything honestly..Im like crying everytime i Think of him, see our pictures :'( Im so devastated we are so far away now..he told me to promise him that when im 17 or 18 , im going to go there and live there.. but im so scared that .. what if he falls inlove with another girl? if i lose him i wouldnt know what to do honestly :( it hurts so damn much and it just started yesterday the pain.. and its jjust the beggining of the pain :( i really really need help i dont know what to do without him :'( i wish i was 18.. :'(

  239. A.D. says:

    THANK U THAT REALLY HELPS

    IM TRYING TO TAKE THINGS A DAY AT A TIME BUT TODAY HE SHOWED UP AT MY HOUSE AND TOLD ME SO MUCH HURTFUL STUFF THAT I CANT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND WHY HE KEEPS DOING THAT IF I DONT BOTHER HIM OR LOOK FOR HIM HE TOLD ME HE HATED ME AND THAT I NEVER MEANT NOTHING TO HIM AND IT BROKE MY HEART BUT I DONT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND IF HE HATES ME WHY KEEP SHOWING UP LIKE THIS

  240. Devin says:

    Great quote:

    “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting them back together.” ~ Unknown.

    I would also add this one:

    “It takes one second to say Hello, but an eternity to say Goodbye.” – Anon.

    So many people expect their relationship wounds to heal quickly, but it really does take some time, especially if it was a longer relationships. Take baby steps everyday and you’ll be fine.

  241. SKYSTHELIMIT says:

    @SpecialK, I’d say be patience with yourself. I had a few friends that were sooo supportive, I would talk to them about him to death! (and it really helped). I also made a list during those early stages of all the things that he did (indirectly or directly) that was hurtful. It made me look at it from a third person in a way. After writing it all down and re reading it time to time, I couldn’t believe I stayed around for so long. It was therapeutic : )

    At the beginning of this process it was very hard, but it has got easier every single day with my confidence sawing. I would be a liar if I didn’t admit to you that there are still times when thoughts of him and fun times do surface but I’m no longer angry for thinking them thoughts or wishing things were different because it is perfectly normal that I would miss someone I loved but unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be because he didn’t love or respect me.

  242. Dav says:

    I am going through this painful process of letting go my ex-gf of 1 year. It’s difficult and hurtful when someone you love deeply, think about all the time and constantly missing just stop talking without any reasons. We had an argument the week before. She accused me of being insensitive because I was spening time with my family who were in town for a holiday. I tried to get in touch but she wouldn’t pick my calls up. She just stopped! and told me she doesn’t want to see/hear/talk to me again. Asked her repeatedly why. No response. I left because I thought it was the only thing I can do. I cannot force someone to love me and the last thing I want is to cause her any more hurt. But I am hurting so bad myself not knowing what happened between us. I trying to just move on with my life. But I keep coming back to this question – What happened?? I’ve been having sleepless nights thinking about all the different possibilities. Perhaps it’s something I’ve said or done or didn’t do. And how can she just switch me off? It baffles me how she can behave like that without a warning, without talking and with no goodbyes.

  243. Tracey says:

    A sad thing in life is that sometimes you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world. Something I wanted to share with you while I’m alone in my head. Letting go is a process that takes time. Why should I feel guilty? Its plain to see I ain’t being myself. Time heals all wounds I suppose…. I sure have a lot to think about these next few weeks.

  244. Specialk says:

    Skysthelimit: No your definitely not the only one, and I am happy to hear that you are finally doing better though. I read your post and could instantly relate so I had to ask. I am going through what you described and it’s been a difficult process for me. I just want my life back, I want to go back to the happy outgoing person I usually am but I feel like a part of me is missing and it sucks. I don’t know how to convince my heart to just let go:( Any suggestions?

  245. SKYSTHELIMIT says:

    @Specialk

    Hi SpecialK, The male in question wasn’t called Blake. Although I do feel alot better I’m not the only one in the world with such a story!

  246. brokenlullabye says:

    well i met this guy about five years ago i ended up pregnant and he started living with another girl after a year that this happened me and him stared talking we were both single we stared dating he was wonderful three months later we got our own place my son loves him so much everything was ok after a few moths money stared missing i found out he was doing drugs i kept forgiving him but it just got worse he began to hit me choke me offend me in everyway possible he would find any way to fight so when the weekend came around he would leave and i kept forgiving him,,about two weeks ago we finally broke up after almost two years i really miss me so much but i got so tired of always being the one to say sorry i tried everything i would wake up at five to make lunch breakfast and always had a clean house had dinner made and his clothes ready in the bathroom, he would drink all weak but no matter what i did things wouldnt get better i looked for help so i could learn to live with a drug addict , at the end everything i did we still broke up , i look around and i see him my son misses him and all i want to do is forget him, ever since we broke up he calls and txt and says hurtful stuff and i feel like he never loved me it hurts so bad what can i do someone help

  247. Specialk says:

    Hey Skysthelimit, I hate to have to ask this but oddly enough I came across this blog and our situations sound really similar. Is his name Blake by any chance? If so we should really talk.

  248. SKYSTHELIMIT says:

    I wrote on this page about 9 months ago and I promise your life will get better

    I deeply loved a man that disrespected my feelings in sooo many ways. Strung me along whilst taking numerous women on dates, holidays you name it. Treated me like some emotional crutch: confessing he liked me and another woman the same. He was ridiculously moody and enjoyed calling me childish names, just a total disregard of my feelings. It came to the point where I had to choose my happiness over everything else. I can laugh now but the only way I can explain that turning point was that I just woke up one day, saw some message he said publicly about perhaps contemplating being single for a while and I snapped and cut him out of my life. Have not spoken to him since.

    After nearly a year, I feel a better and wiser version of my old self, bursting with laughter and fun! I don’t have any bitterness towards him. There’s still times where I miss him and I want to have one of our chats but what stops me is to remember all the thoughtless things he did to me.

    I honestly think a man that truly cares for you would never dream of hurting you. A Friend, Lover or soulmate who really values you would never want to risk losing you, especially through something of their control.

  249. klee says:

    TO: Josh D
    Do you know what it’s like losing someone close to you? I got heartbroken when my father died I didn’t want to believe anyone who came up to me and told me he gone. I didn’t want to believe anyone when my x boyfriend died because he hung himself but as soon as I realized they were gone for good I let everything go. I lost friends. I let my grades drop. I thought it was a complete end till I met you everything went from horrible to good. You gave me hope and encouragement to continue and leave the past behind me. You made me happy again. What happened to that? I have no clue. I was falling for you and then that one night changed everything. It seemed you didn’t care about me anymore you didn’t love me anymore and you might have started crazy rumors bout that night. What do I hear from you while I try to explain what has been going on right I should have never dumped you that you were sorry. You didn’t know how much pain that it has been hearing crazy things. I thought I heard you say u didn’t want to hurt me well you must have gave up trying to make sure that you wouldn’t. You were the best thing I could ever want in my life but now it feels like I just lost you too.
    I LOVE YOU JOSH

  250. still broken says:

    a terrible story once was great but became a travesty, a story of two people deeply in love planning their whole lifes together speaking as if it would never end, i loved her more then life itself and to this day i would still die for her it was a love like i have never felt even from the very begging people doubted us but we stayed strong for five and half years i had come to believe that she would be the one i went to my death bed on she was my very breath my life my world, but i got sick not bodily sick but mentally i developed a lot of problems this was the begging of the end i drug her threw six or seven months of a hell i cant even imagine not physically but i was very with drawn and very depressed talking and even trying to commit suicide once i was bad and to this day i wish this would have never happened but the point is we survived it i got treatment i got better but it was to late the damage had been done six or seven months later the end came it was as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest i no longer knew who are what i was what to do where to go from that point i still dont, i still think about her to this day i still cry about her some times not very often but i do i cant seem to let her go but she has more then moved on she cut off contact about four or five months ago saying it was too awkward and weird for us to stay friends which also broke my heart but threw a mutual friend i know that she has had a boy friend since two weeks after we broke up and thats why she cut off contact so yeah the sad sad im pathetic truth is its almost been a year since we broke up and im still there im still on that apartment floor begging her not to do this i havent left there im better ive even dated a couple of people since then but those didnt work which brought it all back to surface i thought only thought i had moved on little did i know there you go there it is you will never leave this place, there never was negative for me to go oh well im better off without her no thats all on her end so i have nothing this does not help and i dont really care any more good bye and good night i am done telling this crazy mindset of mine. love foreverxhersx

  251. troubled heart says:

    my trouble is with a abusive man that l love to death but know deep down that he”s cheating and hearting…physical mentally, and emotionaly,,,l konw that l need to leave him but l dont know how because l love him so much..and a afraid that it mite not turn out right anybody with advise please give it to me….

  252. kumar says:

    hi sir/mam
    i am having one best friend from the past 9 years .I love her very much but we are having caste problem so i have dropped and even i didn’t her that i am loving . Now she is telling that we should not talk .I don’t know the exact reason. now she is talking with other guy who is best friend of mine.i am unable to control my self even though i am telling her not to talk she is keeps on talking with him atleast for 12 to 13 hrs a day.please give me a suggestion what to do now whether to continue with my friendship or should i drop or tell her parents that she is busy with some other person..

  253. Learning to let go says:

    My story of lost love is probably not so uncommon. It is a beautiful love story about a wonderful man who swept the love of his life of her feet. It is a story about a man who for two years, remained her best friend, who nursed her through heartaches, who debated her sexuality when she thought she was gay, it is a story about a man who knew the first moment he laid eyes on her that she is the one. But it is also a story of pain and sorrow. It is a story of two people who loved each other more than life itself and at the end they paid the ultimate price. They both lost themselves in this love. And today, after many tears, after many sorrows, after many sleepless nights, after many hollow days, after many hours of staring into the abyss, we are both healing. But there is one scar that will always remain open, the love shared between our souls. Time does heal, but time waits for no one…..

    Good luck to all of you out there, those who are looking for love, and those who are looking to get rid of love, those that are mending from love and above all those who love….

  254. vegazzchik65 says:

    I just let go of someone I love. We have been dating off and on for 2-1/2 yrs. The first few months were wonderful…then he disappeared. Six months later, we reconnected and dated exclusively for 8-1/2 months. Four months into that 8-1/2 months he said he did not want a girlfriend or a “relationship,” but I assumed that’s what we were…he called me a “companion.” I blew up but continued seeing him until he dumped me saying he just doesn’t feel the way he should after this long, it’s me, not you, I don’t see us ever being serious, blah blah blah. Then I find out a month later he’s seeing someone else who he had been seeing two weeks after he dumped me. I was so hurt. Then thanks to old Facebook he puts up he’s in a relationship with the new girl. I see all the pics and all the things they are doing together. Made me so upset. Then after 5 months, they break up. I heard all they did was drink and fight and she wanted to get married. She was obsessed with him from the get-go and very much infatuated with him. He had been married 3 times already and was never getting married again. I guess when he told her that she flipped out. She even tried to kill herself when he broke up with her one of many times. Anyways, who calls me after they break up? Him…and I took him back like a dumb ass. But the vibe was never the same, never like before. And he still didn’t want a girlfriend or relationship. Thought he maybe was regretting dumping me and wanted to try the boyfriend/girlfriend with me this time. Nope…same old crap. So I finally told him a few weeks ago I didn’t want to see him anymore. He had nothing to say. Then he texted me last week…I responded the next night. Saw him the next night and now tonight I texted him I have to go no contact on him cuz I love and care for him and he doesn’t feel the same. He asked if I was okay and said sorry. I told him I will be fine. All I have to say is he is losing the best woman he has ever met according to his track record. But it is him who has the issues. Never have been in this situation before where I was with someone for that long and they didn’t feel the same. It became a challenge to me in the end to try and figure out why he wouldn’t take the next step with me. It got to be ridiculous and I was letting him use me just so I could see him and spend some time with him. No more…I have to let him go and not see or talk to him for whoever knows how long. It’s for my sake and sanity…it’s going to be hard, but I can’t be stressed like this anymore. I had to set him free…

  255. lynn says:

    I’m a married woman who has been in an affair w anothoer married man for almost three years. Now before u go and judge me as a evil person a mean person a jerk..stop right there.. I am none of those..I know in my heart of hearts I am a king good and honest person. I was married for over twenty years. Have two great kids. And gave all to my marriage. To a man who was controlling. He didn’t beat or hit me but money was controlled. My opinion was controlled. Was tonot allowed to have a voice in the marriage on anything money,child raising….basicly was there to clean and look pretty. I started affair w other man. He told me things I always wanted to hear he made me feel wonderful appreciated .he told me he wanted more with me more than just a wonderful afternoon. I would always say to this man…”Please please if u don’t want more than what we have tell me we will end the affair….please be honest because we both have children…we have to be honest. He sworehe felt the same towards me wanted a life. To make a long story short. We got caught in our affair.which we both knew we would. his wife brought it to the surface. He went back. We continued to see each other for a whole nother year after being caught. I left my marriage my home is now currently lifing on my own. He continued to stay married.his wife knowing were seeing each other . He sleeping on the couch in his home.( yes its true cause I looked for myself drove up to the house early in morn an peeked in). I know , I know crazy right. Now this man is staying w his father who is elderly and sick and he is staying with him at night. But he left under the premise of his wife and two sons thinkin he is staying with their grandfather. He tells me he’s not going back to his house….but finanacially. Legally everything is the same for him. I’m not happy he says he loves me wants a life w me. But I cry everyday . I feel so lost . Confused angry hurt. I feel I have done my part and he is side stepping, dragging everyone thru a emotional hurt. Please respond back. I tell this man I’m not happy the way things r. Why can’t we start a life together

  256. bochang says:

    3 weeks ago i asked my exbf to set me free..our relationship was neither bad nor working…it was as if getting to nowhere. we havent seen each other for almost 9 mos to consider that i was just 60 miles away from him. 3 months prior to the break up i usually got irritated when he kept on saying that he loved because it was too cold to feel it..go back to the breakup he asked me if i had a new one. i answered none. i explained him why and i said to him that i felt like i was like an option to you and you are taken me for granted blah blah blah…the next morning and until now he never communicated me.. i sent him a message a week a after saying i was sorry and how im guilty of what happened but i still sticked from my decision to let go of me..i cried almost everyday convincing myself that i was too stupid not hold on hoping that things would work out..but my determination took me not to ask him back.. now…i am okay…my life is still without excitement but its getting uncomplicated…as i looked back from my past relationships i always feel of something was wrong…i was a liberated as a b*tch but when the patient of our group case study died from breast cancer my life has been gone to the other side.. i found myself crying asking the Holy Spirit of my Creator to cleanse my heart from immoralities..i never told my boyfriend that i need him to set me free because it is what i ask to God..instead i pretended that he was the problem… do i still need to feel guilty?? i havent heard any about him since then..

  257. Beth says:

    I been married to my husband for 28 years he likes to drink at home and then he ask me to go out with him for a drink and so we did did at a bar he went out for a smoke and. I was wainting for him to come back in the bar but he left me there by my self tell me is that bad or what he hurt me so much.. what should I do live him how cruel.

  258. Ron says:

    I had a bestfriend since I was a kid who much later became my first girlfriend. Our relationship lasted 3 years and then exactly one year ago she left for Canada. We broke up but we still had strong feelings for each other. We continued to keep in touch and we still loved each other very very much. She told me that she would come back for christmas because she missed me a lot. Some times later she found a new job and met with a guy who used her loneliness and grief to take advantage of her and become her friend with benefits. He used her and got her all confused and made her doubt about her feelings for me. During that time, I was telling her how much I loved her and how I miss her but each time she would tell me to stop talking about those things with her because she is all confused. Then 3 months later, after he took her virginity, he got bored and left her. She got depressed and even though she told me that she no longer loved me, I kept contact with her and tried to cheer her up to the best of my abilities. You cannot imagine how hard it was for me to mend her heart while I was still in love with her but yet could not tell her how much I love her.

    Two weeks ago she got a new boyfriend, a real boyfriend not just a friend with benefits. Since then she no longer keeps in touch with me. She sent me one last text to tell me that she has a new boyfriend but that I will always be her best friend. But then she completely stopped texting me.

    I know that I should let go of her because she no longer loves me (or so she says) but I simply cannot. I have no friends, no siblings, absentee parents and she was the only person who was there for me. I realise that she also suffered as much as me or maybe even more than me and I know that she is now happy with whoever she is. But my heart still tells me that this is not her real self and that deep down she stills loves me and she is trying to forget me because she can no longer cope with us being separated. But the fact remains that right now, out of our beautiful story of love and friendship, there is nothing that remains and it hurts like hell.

  259. Cindy says:

    mine is over my brother in law D who drinks all the time and is in denial that he has a problem. For whatever reason I have never liked him because what I saw was a lazy person who did not want to work. My sister M always makes excuses for him when he is rude and will not speak when we use to visit their home, but loves my husband and sons. I don’t know what I ever did to him to cause him to act this way. For example you get up in the morning and say good morning or ask him a direct question and he pretends he does not hear you. Anyway last year they moved to Washington he posted a comment on his FB page. I left a comment that I felt it was sappy anyway he got so enraged at me he blocked me. I ended up changing his password on him anyway my sister does not speak to me any longer, she is my friend on Facebook but we do not talk, she has not called in 7 months. She said she forgives which I can understand they would be mad I suppose. I apologized and really meant it. If it had been anyone else they would have let it go (I think it is him) he deletes anything I post on my sisters page. I blocked him I just do NOT like him at all. He calls himself the cabana boy he stays home and cooks and drinks all day while my sister works her a… off which is their business, she has said she would like it if he would get a job but he refuses (he retired after 20 something years at Chrysler which he worked as little as possible, he opted to get out early in his 40’s and has refused to work since) Anyway this situation really hurts it is my fault that I changed his password to mess with him but it’s not like he did not get into his account (1 min actually) I think its an excuse for him to keep me away from my sister and she apparently goes along with it :( We were always close. She now drinks all the time, does not call, does not write. I don’t know if I should just delete her as a friend. She talks to my children and best friend what is that? They came home to Michigan in Feb the whole family was invited but us I found out via Facebook, she says she forgives but it is obvious she does not. I am sorry, I did not steal or commit murder you’d think I did. I just want to get over this and move on it’s not that easy…

  260. Cindy says:

    mine is over my brother in law D who drinks all the time and is in denial that he has a problem. For whatever reason I have never liked him because what I saw was a lazy person who did not want to work. My sister M always makes excuses for him when he is rude and will not speak when we use to visit their home, but loves my husband and sons. I don’t know what I ever did to him to cause him to act this way. For example you get up in the morning and say good morning or ask him a direct question and he pretends he does not hear you. Anyway last year they moved to Washington he posted a comment on his FB page. I left a comment that I felt it was sappy anyway he got so enraged at me he blocked me. I ended up changing his password on him anyway my sister does not speak to me any longer, she is my friend on Facebook but we do not talk, she has not called in 7 months. She said she forgives which I can understand they would be mad I suppose. I apologized and really meant it. If it had been anyone else they would have let it go (I think it is him) he deletes anything I post on my sisters page. I blocked him I just do NOT like him at all. He calls himself the cabana boy he stays home and cooks and drinks all day while my sister works her a… off which is their business, she has said she would like it if he would get a job but he refuses (he retired after 20 something years at Chrysler which he worked as little as possible, he opted to get out early in his 40’s and has refused to work since) Anyway this situation really hurts it is my fault that I change his password to mess with him but it’s not like he did not get into his account (1 min actually) I think its an excuse for him to keep me away from my sister and she apparently goes along with it :( We were always close. She now drinks all the time, does not call, does not write. I don’t know if I should just delete her as a friend. She talks to my children and best friend what is that? They came home to Michigan in Feb the whole family was invited but us I found out via Facebook, she says she forgives but it is obvious she does not. I am sorry, I did not steal or commit murder you’d think I did. I just want to get over this and move on it’s not that easy…

  261. Mykel says:

    I and my girl just break up some weeks ago she told me a guy want her hand in marriage because i got no money to offer her a marriage now i got no choice i have to let her go

  262. Peggy says:

    My boyfreind and I have been broken up now for a month. I moved out of the home we shared. He told me again for the fourth time in our two yr relationship that he wanted to go back to his ex wife But I didnt have to move out right away you know. He would give me time to figure it out. Really? He slept with his ex at least twice that i know of. Told me he didnt love her. But he needed to go back. Told me he doesnt love me anymore. Said he did. but not anymore. But yet we find reasons to see each other. Or at least i find reasons to see him. But he told me on sat he no longer wants to see me again. I love and miss him soooo much.

  263. Hopelessly Romantic says:

    it’s bin a month that i lost my bf..he broke up with me..on the phone..it is just very hard to move on..i tried to be angry with him and show to him that he’s no one. but at this point, it is very hard. he is a part of my future..i thot he values me a lot! how could anyone be so harsh and just end it easily? i have no regrets for the 3 years that i spent time with him but what hurts is the thot that u spend all ur time to kip him, to be there when he nids u anyday, anytime! but could anyone be so cruel and insensitive? now, he’s communicating and still protective of me and yet we’re no longer together…is he trying to make me feel better by communicating? it doesn’t help, really…i thot he’s a person that u can trust and be there but i was wrong..anyone can really just drop u, just like that..it is difficult to determine as to how important u are to a person. it’s just that all of a sudden, for him, it’s gone and that’s it. i try to make myself busy but his face pops up every time.i feel the rejection bubbling down inside me..and it’s a long process..denial, anger, depression and acceptance..i am not sure if indeed time heals all wounds..it is just too heavy to carry for now..when u feel like you’re the only one that has not moved on…i wish if there’s a way to make it a little easier..forget everything, the guy and the pain…and instead to be just hopeful..how can i be positive in such a negative situation that I am in now? a lot of things have been going on in my mind the past days..i still can’t believe that anyone can hurt me this much…

  264. Ana says:

    If this is supposed to help I guess i’ll try anything…To begin I am not proud of myself. Not even a little bit. I was going through the pains of losing someone I loved. My relationship with let’s just call him “Mark” meant the world to me. We were together for years before we broke up and our break up was very ugly. Neither of us could move on. It took two years for him to finally demote me from being his best friend and “most important, first choice girl.” When he did I was crushed. I started sleeping around with lots of men. One of those men I met on vacation. I guess you would describe him as a romantic that would say and do anything…he treated me like the most beautiful girl on earth for about a week (yes seriously). Then I started sleeping with high profile kind of guys I met via my work. One of them got me pregnant. Of course, I know which one. However, he was cruel about it. He didn’t want to have to take any responsibility so he just pushed me till I had an abortion. He even got his friends to bully me around and call/text and insult me. A few weeks after the abortion, I was still a mess of a human being and for some reason (yes I was intoxicted and high) I thought of that lovely, very attractive man that I had the fling with. I called him and told him I was still pregnant, I was sure it was his, and I would be having an abortion the next day. Of course, the fake father was relieved. He went from totally absorbed with me to not wanting to talk to me within a week…maybe it was out of venge, and cruel, but he helped me get through it for a week or two. The “help me get through it part” was total fiction, but I was just drawn to him, and he was kind enough so I went with it because truthfully there wasn’t any other man in my life that would. I lived the lie. We stopped talking abruptly because he did question me a bit and I had so much guilt and shame from my abhorrent behavior with him. Many months…over a year…later I found myself reeling from the death of another boyfriend. This boyfriend reminded me of…let’s just call him “Dave”…the young man I met on vacation and blamed for my pregnancy. However, the new guy, the one that passed away was only with me for a little over a month and he was an undiagnosed manic/depressive with a serious drinking probably. I noticed these problems within two weeks of knowing…again let’s just call him “Scott”…so I broke things off with “Scott” as quickly as I could. Unfortunately Scott then went off the deep end and ended up killing himself. At this point I was in a new city in a grad school program and I didn’t have a friend in the world that was within a 1,000 miles of me. I dealt with Scott’s death without tact, grace, or accpetance. I heard him kill himself to say the least. Months into seeking help for trauma I found myself again desperate and obsessing over “Dave.” I had reached out to may people but again (for some reason) I made up a lie to talk to Dave after a long night of crying. I told Dave I was ill and may have cancer that could effect my ability to have children. It’s all so awful. Two days after I mentally grasped what I had done again…I immediately promised myself I would stop lying. I couldn’t tell Dave the truth though.. I’m too much a coward, so I just decided not to reach out to him again. To suck up the shame of being such a lying, manipulative horror of a person. Now two weeks later he reached out to me again asking how I was. I tried not responding but I later about 10 hrs I lost control. I wanted to talk to him. The place where we met, the night that we met, the week I spent in his part of the country was intoxicaingly different for me. I loved it there even before I meeting “Dave.” The weather, the culture, the quaintness. It was amazing and then I met this guy and I was totally sold, done, ready to move there…not for him just to recapture that feeling. So like I said I texted him back…it was short, didn’t give much info, and I tried to lie a little less. I thanked him for checking in and asked how he was doing. Two days later he has never responded. Part of me is so happy because being like this is sickening. I do not want to hurt anyone and I will admit my behavior with “Dave” is a desperate scream for attention, any attention. Nontheless, I’ve been trying to avoid my thoughts, stupidly I wondered, if he texted me back because maybe he cares for me too…in a more than platonic way, but really I just want to let it go. I want to forgive myself for the terrible things I’ve done and I want to be able to live a life without the selfishness, desperation, and regret that I am currently wearing all over me. In my head this behavior is unforgivable. I know that this all screams…I need serious help…and I do go to counseling, but these past few days I have not even been able to look myself in the mirror. I’m even thinking it may be time to find Jesus, not that I think religion or Christianity is bad or beneath me or anyone, I just have never been able to make myself believe. Either way I will be reading your posts and maybe just sharing this will bring me some peace. Thank you…

  265. gutsy fellow says:

    Mine a very pathetic case. I am a college boy. From the initial stage, i had my best friend. She was very nice to me. As the time passed, we two was somewhat very close and i didnot give damn care to others. Spending time and having fun was our daily schedule. But later, other boy began to like her. She finally had boyfriend. From that day, our friendship begun to rust. Finally it decayed. She left me alone. I am in such a worst situation coz i when i was with her, i didnot care for others but now noone would care about me.She betrayed me so badly for many times that i don’t want to call her a friend eventhough i had to be alone till my college. For her, i also betrayed my other true friends and now they don’t believe in me. I am truely left alone in the middle of the college life where noone to talk and noone to admire. What should i do? Please help.

  266. Hannah Mae Tidalgo says:

    He is my childhood friend, bestfriend and so called lover. Right now we are in a relationship at a WRONG TIME since he is in a relationship with another girl. I know we love each other its just that he cant easily break up with the girl because that girls sustained him financially before and he cant swallow his pride. Now we are in our 2 months of relationship but it keep bothering my mmind because it is really wrong. I’m afraid to break up with him because i have been his inspiration in changing himself and pursuing in his studies. But still it is wrong. Some of my friends suggest about cool off or breakup even if it hurts a lot.He needs to make a choice just to test if he really love me. Help me to get trough with this. I want to break up with him in a way that he will understand everything that we will remain friends and for him to realize and make some choice. God knows that i did my best to stay in this relationhip even if its wrong and i think this time it is his part to fix his problems.

  267. Diwa says:

    My case isn’t probably as bad as the others. We’ve only been together for 8 months. He was actually everything for me. I loved him more than anything and for some reason, I wanted to get back with him even after everything we’ve both done to each other. But i guess it’s a good thing he was smart enough to say that it’s both hurting us and that we needed to end it. He really is a great guy, but i guess feelings do change and the person that you thought you’d be with forever and that promised you that everything will work out would just change their mind. But i need to accept this. I need to accept the fact that he’s moving on. I need to accept the fact that he found new girls. I need to accept that fact the he’s gone and that he won’t be coming back. I’ve created this wall in my heart to protect myself from hurting. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I know too much of anything is bad, so i might end up hurting myself if i just protect myself too much. I just hope everything will get better already. I just hope that this won’t happen again because i really can’t take the pain. It hurts. A lot. I loved him so much. I never knew i would love a person that much before. I just hope everything will get better soon and that I’ll find a guy who would actually love me even i have a lot of flaws. I just hope to God that a guy that’s everything i wanted would come to me. I just don’t want this pain anymore.

  268. yash says:

    i in love with her for 3 years she is my 1st love …..nowadays she is gvng her whole attention to her studies and she take out time for me but i know that she is doing these things for our future bt still i cant get myself out of the life we used to live…i love her most i cant live a single second of my life without her feelng……i just want to live my present better cauz i think if she is wid me i wuld be so much satisfied and happy too…sometimes she bcome my enemy bt eventually i cnt deny her love…….what to do? ??

  269. russ says:

    ok this is really hard to do as i’m most likely going to sound bad here but i met my lady jan 06 at first i thought i mest up i had a friend dropped me off in a big town she picked me up she had a amazing lil girl an the best baby boy in the world with in weeks i fell in love with them everything changed but the time leadin up to this i was’t sure so being truthful i did’t just tell her what i thought she wanted to hear i would come to her place an her lil girl would run up an hollar let me hold you when she wanted to be picked up the baby would cry wanting to stay with me when she went to work an she was amazing an very beautiful she was only the 5th lady i had been with an we would talk all night but there is alot i did’t know at the time i could’t let go i still think bout her everyday now i work in that big city i’ve tried to talk to her but she hurts me saying i’m bsing an calling me dude so i end up blowing up now shes married an even has a new baby i try to move on i’ve had plenty of ladies over the past 6 years but i find i’m still missing her when we did part ways she i went to her place an some wanna be drug dealing thug came over she wanted him there so i walked away but he would’t stop texting me so it all blew up from there it was the first time i been broken like that i did’t know what to do so i showed her i could be a low life i started drinking smokin doing pills calling her tried to tell her anything that may get her back yeah i lied to her called her a bitch a few times witch was a very big no no to her i thought maybe if she an i did’t talk it would be easyer but it was’t then i found i would want to know how her an the kids are if they needed anything an while i have moved on i find my love for her is as strong today as it was in 06 now all the drinking an drugs have stopped back in aug 06 i woke up one morning an did’t like where i was in my life so i went back to work an started doing the things i loved befor her an still feel like i have something missing with in myself i have had dreams of sleeping beside her an saying to myself i’m home in my sleep now i do have a normal life i dont run around with my head down i have goals an i’m working to get them done i’m a good guy will help anyone out if i can i dont wish anything but for her but to be happy but do sometime wonder if there is something wrong with me how can i i have such a strong love for someone that hates me so i would to this day do anything an give up everything for this lady its so crazy there is not one thing i can think of i would’t do i really wanna an need to get over this 6 years ago we was’t even together long at all an like i said i have been with meny women since then an it just has’t worked befor her the best way to get over someone was to find a new someone but its not working i feel like i lost my famly or something an i know she thinks i’m a nut as i’m starting to wonder myself but i keep trying to find that someone new that will replace her an really dont think this will help me now everyone that reads will think wat a crazy stupid azz an prob poor girl as for ladies they’ll hope an pry they never meet me i’m sure but really it was the first time i ever really loved thought i loved befor then but this was true love

  270. Kristie says:

    I don’t really have a past in relationships; I’ve never had one. I like to say, just for fun, I’ve been single for 14 years. But I’ve had my fair share of “crushes” where I thought I had strong feelings for a guy, and I eventually realized how in the wrong I was. I was still hurt when the guy didn’t feel the same way, but I was also always relieved afterwards. Like, for some reason I never felt like I was ready for the pressures of a legitimate relationship. And I kind of still feel that way, but I’m also in a sticky situation at the moment.
    I’ve known this guy for like 10 years, he goes to my church, went to my elementary school, and lives right down the road from me. I know quite a bit about him. I’ve liked him on and off but it was never anything serious. I mean, I was in kindergarten haha it’s petty to even think about. But now, we’re in 9th grade together, and it’s complicated. At first it was just nice to talk to him again, as friends. We caught up… kind of. On the first day of school it was like I had just talked to him the day before… and every day before that. It wasn’t like we hadn’t talked for 3 years at all. Like a conversation picked up from where we left off. I mean, I saw him in church and Sunday school but we never had a legit conversation.
    He has a girlfriend, which I’m not too sure if he’s serious about or not. They’ve been together for like 7 or 8 months I think. But he’s said how bored he is; onetime my friend told him she didn’t think they’d be together long and he just said “Yeah”, so I have no idea. I feel, something, I don’t know what it is. I like him, I think, but it’s different. I don’t feel completely on edge around him, I can talk to him and I’m mostly comfortable around him… mostly. The other guys I “liked” I would get crazy crazy butterflies around to the point where I wouldn’t even talk to them. They seem insignificant to me now though.
    He’s just so talented, he’s amazing at a lot of things, and he can be really sweet when he wants to be I guess. I mean he’s not perfect he can be a bit of a jerk but I look past that sometimes. He’s funny and he likes a lot of old music which I do too, and it’s hard to find anyone who appreciates that kind of music. I don’t know, I just feel like, we get each other. It’s weird. I don’t know how this stuff works; inexperienced here.
    But today, we were on the bus and I guess he and his girlfriend were kissing, I don’t know I wasn’t looking back there, but I heard some guys saying stuff like “Get to second base” to him. I felt so, angry I guess. I was curling my toes in my shoes and tried to keep a smile on my face. But the more I tried to stop thinking about the more I felt like crying. I don’t know why I felt so strongly, I just did. I was angry, really sad, and confused as to why I was angry and sad.
    I feel really guilty though; because I don’t necessarily WANT to like him. He HAS a girlfriend, and I’m not into messing up relationships; not that I could anyway. I’m just so confused about this. It feels good to rant though. :/

  271. Scarlet says:

    I was with someone for almoust 2 years.. We broke up about 5 months ago.. And I still get so choked up when I think of just the little things.. I still miss him every single day, He won’t even talk to me.. But I wish there was something I could do to at least feel the slightest bit better.

  272. ashley says:

    Im in the same boat as alot of people. I started dating my ex 2 years ago after we both cheated on our others. I knew this was a huge red flag but ignored it because i felt something for her that ive never felt before. I felt an intensity like no other with her. So, things were great whe we did start dating exclusively. For 6 months i was living a dream. Then, like a swith, she shut down and started giving me the cold shoulder. No sex, no contact, very rarely responding to my advances. eventually we broke up. after 2 weeks of heavy drinking and whoring around, she came running back and i took her back. Things were great again for months and thena ll of a sudden she flipped the switch again and we broke up. She hooked up with some scumbag bartneder while we were broken up even though i was still trying to work things out. it wasnt until she caught wind of me and another girl that she came running back again. I took her back and things were great again for months. Then… the switch. only this time she cheated on me when were were still together. We are broken up now. I expect and somewhat hope her to come back but i know in my mind that i need to quit her because she is no good. Im trying to gather the strength to do it becasuse i love her with all my heart and truly believe we are soulmates. But i have to move on. its killing me and i actually feel guilty that the cheated on me. Thats crazy and i know it. Thats how i know i have to do this even though its killing my soul. I guess we will see

  273. DeVaughn says:

    Everyday I see more and more stories and I feel compelled to add my two cents and offer a bit of advice.

    To John: From experience, I have to tell you that you made the mistake of dating someone you work with. The end results are usually if not always disastrous, and the fact that she has children should have been a bit of a red flag for you to stop perusing this woman.

    Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying women with children are evil in some kind of way, but I am saying that women like that are prone to moving from one man to the next more often than the norm.

    They aren’t necessarily looking for someone to make them happy as apposed to providing very well for their children. So in this case your wallet has a lot to do with how long you will be around.

    Always keep you business and personal miles apart. The less people know about you in the business environment the more likely you will become the boss of the company later down the road. A relationship can not only hurt you physically, mentally, and emotionally. It can also hurt you financially.

    To Josh:

    Unfortunately this woman you fell in love with is extremely self centered which is not a flaw, but it’s a clear sign that these type of people are not relationship material. My suggestion is if you want this woman in your life simply ignore her. This sends a signal to her that says simply that you have much better things to do. It can be very tempting to fall in love quickly, but it’s best if they actually EARN that love first. This will save you from a lot of heartache in the future.

    To Livhuwani:

    5 years is a very long time to be in a relationship, and I must admit I was impressed until you told me about the cheating. In my opinion this is unforgivable and this woman seems to come back to you when things are not going her way. In other words you are a “Last Option” to her and nothing more.

    My suggestion is simply hold on to the fact that she has lied to you and betrayed your trust. I can only imagine how long over the course of 5 years that she has been cheating on you and it’s something you should think about. Her having a baby with someone else is the best thing that could have happened to you. She could have given you things that you would have to pay for until the day you die. Disease, etc.

    Take this as a very important life lesson instead of seeing it as the end of the world, because in any other case it probably would have been.

    To Naeem:

    Your story hit home the most with me as I had the exact same thing happen to myself with the exception that she left me instead. You did the right thing by breaking up, and I recommend if you want this person in your life you should cease all contact immediately.

    It isn’t fair that you are stuck thinking about this person day in and out and she hasn’t even thought about you in weeks or months. These types of woman are indecisive, thoughtless, and down right cold at times. Again not looking at those traits as a negative, it just takes a different approach to be in a successful relationship with them.

    Make some distance between yourselves, no random text messages, phone calls, or gifts. She can’t get the chance to miss you if you are still there in those aspects. By having no contact you are sending the signal that your time is important and she will not waste it.

    I wish the best for all of you and my last piece of advice to all the men here is to listen to Tom Leykis, He is great at educating men You & Old on how to properly manage the women in your lives. You can find all o his stuff on YouTube for free just look him up there.

  274. stronghearted says:

    I was with this guy for two years. We had everything in common all the way to family values. The kind of love were two people finish each others sentences. But it just wasn’t enough to save our relationship. He’s never been direpectful to my knowledge, I mean not in front of me. Never abusive always gentle when he talk to me or my kids. I feel like he was still in love with his ex-wife only because he always question me about talking to my kids father.I had no problem with them talking cause I was gone to talk to their father too. I never could let it go so I endd of letting him go before I end up getting hurt. To my surprise I was right. After breaking up with him I soon found out that he had in fact gotten back with her.I didn’t know whether to be relieved,pissed off or hurt. Well I soon found out it was all of the above. It’s been 3 months and it still feel like it was yesterday. I still go on with my day to day life but i know its still there.I LOVED HIM SO MUCH!!!!The sad part about it is I still do. I want to not love him but i can’t control my heart. I hold to knowing that this will not last forever the pain will go away. I cant wait until i don’t love him anymore because then i won’t think of him good or bad.

  275. naeem says:

    I had to break up with my girlfriend I was with for about a year she meant the world to me but I still am unsure about what all happened I sill blame myself but she just stopped caring and became so busy with her life we never had any time to talk I was lucky if she even responded to a text message after a few days saying “Hey” I believe she lied to me about being busy all the time and was just trying to avoid me.. she never had any time for us to talk for en entire month of barely speaking or seeing each other She didn’t care that what she was doing was hurting me she would say sorry and not do anything to make it better and she would go right back to same behavior that hurts me until I had to break up with her because I knew that I deserved better than to be treated like this but I sill miss her like hell more like the old her the one that cared I don’t know what happened she always refused to talk about problems or to fix things she just stood there while I was in pain. I was all alone in the relationship

  276. Livhuwani Lukhwareni says:

    I have been in a relationship with my GF for over 5 years now,I Love her more than anything in this world,we have broken up a lot of time for differnent reason such that I don’t if I can ever seperate myself from her,2 years after we wr in the relationship,she cheated and she fell pregnent and she came and said that it was my child,I always knew that I wasn’t the one who impregnented her but when she came and told me that she was preg,my Love for her wouldn’t let me let go of her and I was also scared that what if the baby is mine.i was there when she gave birth,I looked after there baby when she was still small,I supported the baby,I did more than what other fathers can ever do,me and the baby bonded so 6 months after the baby was born,she came out with it that the baby wasn’t mine,I was devastated,hurt and confused,I didn’t know what to do with myself,I Love the bby more than anything in this world,I would die for her,I tried to put it behind me and move on as if none had happened,we continued as a couple then three to four months after that,I found out that she went out with the biological father and the baby to some resturant,I was hurt again and again I put it behind me since she was saying she loves me and that she still wants to continue with me,now after 5 years and months of a relationship,I find out on facebook that she telling the father that she loves him and that she wants him to come and be the father of the baby. I don’t know what to do,she told me that she’s been tlaking with him and sending him photos and text messeges. I Love her so much and I Love the baby even more,I Love them more than anything in this world,I don’t know what to do with myself,I just can’t let go.

  277. John says:

    i work with this woman it was love at first sight i asked her on a date Dec of 2010 she could kill me with her smile even today when I close my eyes I see that smile but we basis much in common it was crazy but we kinda stop talking after that date but we still flirt with each other like crazy I still chased her like crazy finally she gave me a shot we started daten August 2 2011 and it was amazing everytime we kissed it was like the first time we kissed everytime and it was going good and let me say she older than me and had two kids and separated and the week of vallitimes she started acting weird then I finally just asked what was wrong she said she dont think I am the best man for her kids because I was younger and had no kids but she says she still loves me I am the best guy she has ever dated and then she told me she dont want to break up with me but she is doing this for her kids and the said she is getting back with her kids dad for them and it has been a month and I still love her and i no everytime they are fighting cause she plays me like a Texas tornado I no its wrong I cant help I fall for but I no I ain’t a home recker so I no i will never get back with as long as she is with him but i think bout her every moment of the day I need help i even started daten around and when I am on a date I think bout her on the date help!!!!!!!

  278. josh says:

    i met a girl last year and i fell deep inlove with her for 6months and i still love her but she keeps breaking my heart and she doesnt listen to me, she always does what suites her and i cant leave her, i really need help because i am dying everyday.
    thank you

  279. Ace says:

    i got into a relationship with a girl about a year ago , for the first few months she was so good to me, i felt like the most important thing in the world and i honestly responded in kind, however in the last 4 months she’s been unpredictable , she doesn’t seem to care about me anymore, anytime i try to talk with her she tells me i am stressing her , i have asked he many times if she wants a breakup , she always says No, i am confused and dont know where to go from here, i really love her, but i am loosing it as she does not want to breakup yet she also doesn’t want to ever do any couple stuff,

  280. Kiara says:

    So I’ve been in a relationship for a little over a year with someone a yr younger than me. Everything was good at the beginning , until I got pregnant. I got an abortion because he was afraid he felt as he couldn’t support us. I was really hurt, it was very hard for me to get over it. He had a really bad attitude when we would get mad at each other and I was always nice. I always went out of my way to make him happy wether it was with money or anything. A few months later I started talking to another guy and he found out about it. Nothing ever happened between me and this guy, not even a kiss. And he swears I cheated!! I know I was wrong.. But it happened more than once and he found out. Nothing happened between me and these guys. We broke up, he was so hurt he decided to move to ny. And he told me to follow, I was so still I love with him that I did. We moved in with each other I still do everything I did for him, he had a hard time finding a job and I supported him in every way I was able to. Now 7 months later after living together I find myself more in love with him.. But he doesn’t notice it. He still thinks I talk to othe guys behind his back. I have tried to do everything for him to just trust me again.. Everything possible, all I get is his nasty attitude telling me he’s tired and said I make him not want a relationship anymore. That if I wanna stay to stay but if I wanna go to go. I’m really. Of sure what to do, he’s always cursing at me. The other day I cried because he showes me no love or affection and he said I had problems.. He’s called me weak before. He’s texted me as one of the guys he caught me talking to before to see if I would fall for it. He has told me he hates being tied down.. But yet manages to tell me he loves me? I’m very confused. I’m a very emotional person , i don’t know how to stand to feel a ground. I’m so confused, idk if I should stay or let go.. It’s very hard because we live together now. I just want an answer, but I’m the one who has to make the decision. I just don’t know how? :\

  281. Jennifer Grimaldi says:

    I met my now x bf 6yrs ago. He cheated on his gf at that time with me. He went to jail & she did too she left him. I stood by his side for 5yrs he was in prison. We became bf & gf in 7/11. He came outta prison 1/12. I picked him up we celebrated & it lasted 2 weeks. I fell in love with him long ago. My heart is now broken. He didn’t want to change his life & told me he couldn’t be with me or no one rite now. He borrowed money from me & has yet to pay me back. I told him he’s a coward & treated me like crap I yelled at him & told him when he’s ready to man up & face me to pay me & give back each others stuff to call me & the sooner he does I’ll be outta his life 4ever & I can move on @ get over him. Well it’s been over a eek now & he has not called to gave off. I woke up last night mad & called his phone I blocked my # & he never picked up. He problay knew it was me o well. I’m fighting to call him & I would love to see him. I know he’s got problems he’s a gambler & has lost all his mothers $ & sum of mine too. I still love him & pray for him to change. I do believe ppl deserves 2nd chances especially when you’ve been in jail. I finally am not crying every day that took like 3 weeks to stop the tears. Now I just want to stop thinking about him. I did get his named tattoo on the back of my neck when we officially became a couple & now we r no longer together. I feel so stupid! I knew wat I was getting involved with when I met him 6yrs ago but I still went there. Thanx for letting me share my story. I’m gonna just keep swimming & go forward with my life. After all they say there are better fish in the sea……..

  282. Marci in Illinois says:

    I lost my best friend, love of my life, finance to a massive stroke the end of Jan 2012…I am finding it hard to go forward now. I also lost my husband to cancer in Feb 2009 but we knew for 5 years that he was dying and we did not have a very loving marriage. I just can’t understand why I lost the love of my life when we had just found love for over a year and a half and then to have him taken away from me. I know that God has a reason but I still ask Why and I don’t understand why I am having such a hard time with his loss. Everyone tells me that I must let go and move on but I am having a very hard time dealing with this and what everyone is telling me…I loved him with all my heart and soul and I miss him so much…I know I can’t bring him back but I loved him and I always will. He was only 66 and I am 62…I now feel that my life is over and yet I know it isn’t…but how do I go on?
    Thanks…God Bless
    Marci

  283. Diana says:

    I broke up nearly 2 weeks ago. I discovered that he had been pursuing sexual relations with his ex. He has told me over and over it was over. He wanted me he loved me. So now I know the whole ugly truth. Everything he told me was. Lie period. He told me when we broke up that he never loved me. He said he was always Having to convince himself how to love me. He said so much that misled and deceived me and for what? So he could torture me later. He said he is sorry. He said he has selfishness and greed issues. He hurt beyond what I think I can tolerate

  284. Anisa says:

    Ive been in 2 relationships. Im only 19. Each relationship was more than a year long, all the guys have ever done to me was hurt me, but yet i still loved them and went back to them every single time . I always rememeber all the goodtimes Ive had with them,and they haunt me constantly, I dont know what to do anymore. I find that I cant concentrate without thinking of everything ive been through in these relationships. Ive lost hope and faith completely in love, I pray to God that someday I will be blessed with a good husband that will love me for eternity. I shouldnt keep my hopes up, because if this doesnt happen, I dont want to be hurt again. I wont be able to take it anymore. Ive triend to be so strong for everyone, but no one knows how I feel and the tears I shed each and every day expect for me. Please pray to God for me to help me. Thank You.

  285. enzani says:

    My husband of 10 years has never told me he loves me. He has never bought me any presents, he has beaten me up on several occassions, he never believes anything I say. He does not support our 3 children in any way at all. He cheats , never comes home before 3am. We have sex once a month (suppose when his girlfriend is on her periods) . He calls me names, witch, b**ch etc.) I need to let go, I pray for strength and courage. I hope my children will not be affected negatively. I really love the man but it is plain to see he HATES me with a passion. I am an orphan, first of 5 children, who do I lean on. God give me the strength to carry on.

    Girls please never be with a man who does not love you, u can never make anyone love you, if he does not love u on day one he will not love you after 5years, 10years, never! I regret ever getting involved with him. Help me I’m an emotional wreck.

  286. S.Kumar says:

    I have lost my only grown up son aged 21 four years back. For several months I was shattered and helpless. What is the purpose of my life without my son? My caring wife don’t want to adopt at this stage. Still I am living with some sort of hope for the future.

  287. Tammy says:

    Yeah okay I hate to admit this but I kind of have to by admit I mean say this so yeah here it goes I lost a loved one a few days ago by death and I lost a loved yesterday it hurts me but yeah. I’m 21 and I feel lonely with them going and not getting a chance to say goodbye to me……………. Sincerely,
    Tammy

  288. Rose jones says:

    I’m leaving the father of my child today he constantly lied,cheated,flirted stop even making love to me he refused to work sO I had to support him he cleaned out my account,I miscarried with our twins last night he told me to get over it move on that was the last straw,but I still love him we had some good times I’m stupid for being with him we were together 1year 5months he was hurt when I told him I was leaving that’s the first time he ever showed any emotion towards me now my heart hurts and I’m not sure if I should leave why does it hurt so much for me to walk out the door should I just stay anyway as a father ever now and then he plays with our son I think I should leave but he says if we move to a different state he will change and his parents tell me I’m wrong for leaving since we have a child together

  289. sadhana says:

    hi, my name is sadhana.I love him frm 7years.but he not love me.he love other one.and he knw my feelings ,but i dnt to knw why he not understand my Love. He is my Life.my everythings depend on him.my dear u r my feelings , love, my God .I do any thing for you.u knw dear i want ur happy.it is ok if u r not love me.i pray to God u will always stay fine nd Happy..

  290. Gift says:

    Hi,i met this guy in January and i really liked him,He is Indian and i am Nigerian,i met him through a big sister at work,and since then we were moving forward,he told me he dosent want to loose my friendship and he wants to keep me,i got those words and i kept them,not until the night before valentine when i called him,a lady answered his call and told me he is busy at the moment,i felt bad cause it was late that night,the next day i sent him a lovely val text and made him know i felt bad.Few weeks later we chatted on Facebook and he told me such will never happen again,and then he said he wants commitment from me,he says he loves me when ever we talk on phone and i believe him,I don’t know how it sounds anyways but i love him like i have never loved anyone all my life,yesterday i tried calling him with my mobile number,he dint pick the call,so i called with a strange number and he answered,today i called and called him,without response,later his driver picked his call and said he is in the embassy,I’m so tired of doing all this,i cry every-night and still no response,no change,I love him still,but now i don’t know what else to do.He said he has got no other relationship,but i don’t know how true this is,pls what should i do,i want him,and don’t ever want him to go away.

  291. abhishek dubey says:

    i have also broked my heart by my girl friend whose name was komal singh

  292. Jay says:

    My Story:
    My girlfriend of nearly 4 years just broke up with me. I am devastated. I love her so much; I feel like I loved her as much as, if not more, than anyone can love a significant other. I am so lost and so sad and so jealous I don’t even know where to begin.
    This girl was a huge part of my life I loved all the nuances of who she was and I loved all the experiences that I had with her over the last almost 4 years. I have lost my girlfriend, I have lost my friend, and I have lost a tremendous component of my life.
    There was always a problem with us – I loved her way more than she loved me and she would repeatedly tell me over the years that she needed to find a better match for her. She was from a more religious family and had different goals in mind than I did for a relationship, despite my willingness to conform to her goals. Though she would say these things over the years, her actions did not mimic her words and I held onto hope that she would come around and together we would make a life that worked for both of us. Boy was I wrong.

    We were on a vacation not 3 weeks ago. We had a great time and when I dropped her off at her apartment after returning from the airport, she was expressing how sad she was that I could not stay over that night. Two weeks later, her calls and text messages were becoming sparse and I could tell something was wrong. By the end of week 3, she called to, again, tell me that we needed to “end it” and I could tell the tone in her voice this time was very different. She had moved on. Thought I hoped with all my heart that she was just going through a phase, perhaps pressured by her family to find a more religious guy (a usual occurrence) I could tell that something was different and my immediate thought was that there already is another guy. My suspicions were right. A family member had set her up with a guy that week – she decided to go on the date and apparently liked whom she met. I was squeezed out.

    In hindsight, I knew an end would come. I didn’t want it to happen. I hoped and prayed (I’m not religious) that she would come around… that her words were only words and her actions, emotions and facial expressions told the real story. I suppose I wanted this to be true as I loved her. I love her. I can’t imagine not loving her, but it was a game I lost from day one. I should never have had let it get this far – for my own protection.

    I am so so sad. I have been virtually inconsolable since our phone conversation this past Thursday and I don’t know what to do with myself. I truly love her and everything about her and it is so painful and saddening to think that I will not get to watch, listen, see, touch, feel, go or participate in her life ever again. Oh my god, how does one move on from this? I only hope I can.

  293. paul says:

    hello my name is paul live in plymouth ive read some of the storys hear and they are all sad hurtfull things in your lives.ive bin hurting for a long time now broken harted lost my hole world fallen apart but i still hold on and just went to hold her in my arms and never let go.i dont know how to explain how i feel just want to feel warm and fuzzy again like the way she only could make me feel,im by my self now my partner and i have a little daugther called pippa 16,months old which pip is with mum.i love her soo much pip is so cute so little her mum my partner i love so much and care for its a long story this one,shes still marriead 20 years in fect and going through a big messy devorse i did live with her in her house and we bin togather 4 years im devoted to her.i just woke up one day and she told me to find my own place but we could still have a relationship.it was like being hit over the head i didnt know what to say well that was oct.last year i did as i was told and got a 2 bed house i asked her and told her this just wasent right she told me im everything she ever wanted in a men im so confused i love her more then life and would do anything for her.but since i leth ive now lost my job my mum died when i was little my dad died 3 years ago i have an older brother but i cant talk to him,because i found out he had bin txting and talking with my partner and found out she had for some time bin txting him and calling but i cought her and the funny thing is i was ok with my brother we had not fallen out the only thing we didnt do was realy talk so what the hell was my parner up to and i later found out that my brothers wife was going mental over my ex txting and calling him so she told me,but when i asked why is my brother txting u she denied it all anyway ive not talk to him since and i am pritty much alone upset sad lost just had enough i know im not stupid or ugley im not a cheat or bin unfaithfull shes broke my hart oh and im not an oid git yet 42 and beleave it or not ex commando,so why me? feels like hell i did everything for her as you can tell i didnt leave her house and get mine they carry on the relationship i thought she was bad what she did to me like that and then my brother hell no.who did she think she was now our little girl is all confused and i cry my eyes out every nite what a mess theres so much more i can tell you all but i need to stop just wanted some one to know men get it to,i still love her miss her like crazy she had one of them big smiles u just love.sorry ive not bin to great bit ill tired but thanks for letting me have a say..ps if u realy love some 1 u will never realy lose them.

  294. Bat says:

    I’m hesitant to share my story for I know you won’t understand no one ever does or even worse maybe I’m the one who doesn’t understand. I’m 18 and I have never had a true relationship infact I been single for 4 years. I have always felt like I’m never good enough. I come up short to everything, I feel lost and misunderstood. I have felt this way for years infact I can’t remember when I haven felt this way. I always tell my self that things will get better that one day I will be happy. I pick myself back up I have hope but it comes slowly I feel so damn alone that my days start getting longer and darker losing hope this turns into a sicle that I can’t get out of. Every time I try I come up short. I have no talents nOthing that I can release this frustrations. I become do angry inside, and I hate it. I don’t want to sit around and cry I want to go out try something new see things. See my dream is to travel the world I want to see it all expireance it, but It seems that I never get this opportunities. I’m always moving school to school never really bonding with any one I feel so unwanted. Sometimes I cry cuz even my own dog preferres my moms new boyfriend more then me, i feel this way with everyone I’m so scared of being burn again. I give my heart out and all I have ever gotten is betrayal feels like I put more effort then most and at the end I alone again, there’s only one boy that I can honestly ever open my heart to. He made me feel wanted aspire maybe I am worth something. The funny thing is we never saw each other. He went to my high school and I moved that summer. we met by my ex through Facebook we would talk sometimes. We started Txting and there’s no way for me to explain it but over time we bonded he made me laugh and we could talk for hours at a time. For the first time I have felt what movies and books have described talking to him made me happy. He never knew but I use to cry over the simplest compliments he gave me I told god that I was so happy and thankful for him. We talk on and off for almost 4 years. He was my rock. I never needed any one but him I don’t care that he was miles and miles away what he made me feel was addictive, I loved him. Being apart from some one you like can be really hard we don’t have An official relationship but there was something there. It’s not easy to keep something like this and with time we started to drift away less calls turn to no calls then just a few txt. Simple conversations that always left me with disappointment. He was changing and im sure i was too. Even though we bouth couldnt manage to stop
    Talking to each other, no matter what i know for a fact that o was special to him and thats all that ever matter to me. He started talking to me like I was just some girl being disrespectful asking for things that he knew well I would never do. I wanted him out of my life but at the same time I wanted him in my life my percent my future. Never does a day go by where I don’t think of him, he stop Talking to me. No explanation nothing. Not long after he told me that he could never forget me and can’t let me go. Well the bastard did the impossible and got himself a girlfriend and moved on just like that. Now I’m left broken and confuse. You have no idea how many times I thought of what I would say to
    Him if her ever chose to speak to me sometimes it’s sometimes not so much. I deleted
    Him of Facebook deleted his nunmber changed mine… Still I hope he’ll come back. It’s truely pathetic of me to think this. How come he can be happy and I can’t? Because he chose to move on. BUT ITS SO MUCH easier for him to move on when he has it all!! a great family almost too perfect, he is the start football player, ect I don’t feel like talking about it. Sometimes I wonder if I really do love him.. It sure feels like I do. But I never had nothing even sonically close to what he gave me. I feel ashame to say this. Maybe I only love him cuz his the only one that has ever made me feel so special so worthy, unique and beautiful. The only time I ever feel that happy is when I’m with my family in colombia which I can only see ones a year… I don’t know if you can understand maybe you think I’m just a stupid teen who needs to grow up, and maybe I am. But what I feel is not something I can help if I could I would take it all away! Forget him forget the pain and move on, but I can’t. I try but it always comes back to haunt me. There’s nothing about me that’s special I can’t go out and dance my ass off I can’t sing my feeling ha can barely write. I try so hard and I always come short always and the ones who do great don’t put as much effort like I do.sometimes I think about ending it all but then I think what good is that going to do, which makes me even more angry, makes me feel like there’s no hope no way out all I want to be is happy I want to be loved, have a purpose contribute to this world. I’m always looking for myself. I have hope and that’s what really kills me but maybe one day I can become something special even great. I’m going to expire some one make them believe that there’s always hope. I’m sorry this is so long but I feel so much better now thank you for listening if you made it this far I needed it this.

  295. Time Is a healer says:

    @BROKEN HEARTED GIRL.
    For a moment I thought I Wrote ur post. My ex broke up with 5 months ago, and I went through a really hard time & depression. My ex treats me like shit too, cuz he knows how much I love him, however men can sumtimes underestimate us women, iv come to a point in my life were I don’t give a rats ars anymore about him, wether he’s here or not it doesn’t make a difference cuz not like he’s wev been together for months, he also did the cheating, shagged other girls after we broke up, but I forgave him n put it behind us, yet he won’t give up his petty habits. It’s either my self respect or him, so I chose my self respect. I love him to bits, but iv learned to b without him n live my life, move on my darling, and keep faith in god that one day he will realise wat hes lost. Don’t let a man take u for granted, iv don’t know u, but I can defo say ur a keeper. Keep ur head high n stay busy, DON’T CONTACT HIM, it will hit him one day. Tkr Hun, if u Wana talk mail me xxxx

  296. Broke hearted girl says:

    My ex and I have been broken up for a few months now. I went about two month after the break up not talking to him (I literally cried everyday) to now I talk to him as a friend. I’ve gotten over the lying and the cheating that he did while we were together that left me so heartbroken. And I forgive him,I still love him. And I know some may think that makes me stupid. But I act like I don’t have these feelings just to have him in my life because I was tired of crying and hurting and now just a simple text from brightens my whole day. It just hurts so bad because he doesn’t feel the way I do. I love him with every bone in my body and would do anything for him. I know all his flaws and I love him for them. I never did anything wrong in our relationship but he treats me like I did. There are days I call and text him and he does t answer. If I tell him how I feel he gets mad and tells me I need to chill cause were not in a relationship anymore. But knowing that someone doesn’t feel the way you do hurts so bad. Knowing that your not that persons first thought in the morning and last at night like they are for you hurts so bad. I’ve been in relationships before but I’ve never loved someone so strongly and felt so hurt. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never get over him. More than anything I wanna move forward and be happy again but the last time I was happy was with him. Sometimes I feel like I can’t be happy without him in my life. I love him and he’s my bestfriend. But I’m tired of caring so much and he only cares sometimes or not at all. But it’s been 5 months of heartache and depression and I don’t know what to do.

  297. Ngoni Griffith (Abbott) says:

    I met a boy in high school named Jason Jack Abbott. We were in a chapel at a speech tournament when he asked me, “Do you want to get married?” I said, “Sure!” Some people, he told me later on, asked him what he was doing talking to a black girl. He is white. We went to Dunkin’ Donuts after meeting each other during another speech tournament and he told me he was going backpacking in Africa. I never heard from him again. He is married now and is living in the same city and state as me. We live on opposite sides of town. I wrote him a letter to ask for closure from the situation, but I haven’t heard from him. I can’t remember any bad parts of our relationship, we didn’t have any. What struck me was that I may be trying to control what’s left of our relationship. I just want to move on because I am still stuck in this love triangle limbo. I am 39 years old and still unmarried. One thing I can say through this experience is that God has shown me what true love really is. I dated, but I never gave myself completely to another man because I remembered the vow I made to Jason. Like the Bible says, “better not to vow, than to vow and not pay.” I realize that I will never ever be married because Jason is already married to someone else. In him I found my soulmate. I just hope that one day he will realize how much I truly loved him and saved myself for him. I am learning to get my life in order by working on this issue that has consumed me for more than 25 years and has affected other areas of my life. When you found the one you truly love, it’s hard to love anyone else the same way. Hopefully he will read this post one day and see how much he was truly loved. Like the saying goes, better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

  298. cesar lopez says:

    My name is cesar lopez i have been going out with my girl for three months already things were ok in the beging. Now that i go to knw her she seems to care about her hair and looking pretty , she is 25 years old and has three kids i do love her a lot but i feel like she dont. recently i was in the hospital due toa surgery on my left lung. Prior to that she has een staying at my place for almost 3 months, I never had asked her for anything but sometimes she will buy groceries. I have veen going to thr doctor a lot because i have been feeling sick, on wed i went to the doctor and almost fainted, so thet put me on iv for almost the entire day. I never hear anything from her to see if i was fine nothing samething on thru nothing so i came that dat and just told her to take her stuff and leave i didnt insult her or use profanity just told her to leave i feel bad but thats what my heart told me to do i just felt like she didnt care about me

  299. Joline says:

    I have 2 comments.
    “my sister cut me out of her life five years ago. She told me she didn’t want to speak to me again and wouldn’t tell me why”
    WHAT? You must have done something to cause this! This is your sister! I would think you would pursue this a little more than just moving on!

    “Rebuild yourself-quit your job”
    Are you out of your mind!!!

    Other than the above mentioned, your advise is sound and makes alot of sense.

  300. Amy says:

    Where do I start I started seeing someone who in the beggining stated he was single and was finished with his baby’s mother come to find out it was on again off again with her> Got past that broke up a few times and them he told me he wanted to be with me and and moved in after about 6 months I found some emails my BF and his ex were writing to eachother behind my back i was devestated and and kicked him out and he of course moved back to her house. I was devasted I really loved this guy this guy told me how much he loved me, I was is soul mate, he hated her, and how he kept going back for his daughter and spent hrs telling me horror stories of the things she did and said to him. In the 8 months he would occassionally text me “hey beautiful or I miss u”. I finally got over the hurt and betrayal and stopped obsessing over what he did.

    Now he has broke up with her again and has moved out of her place and claims he still loves me and never stopped thinking about me he claims he went back for his daughter because his baby’s mother made him feel guilty, I don’t trust his words but don’t ask me how but I still love him..

  301. living with the cats and memories says:

    I am still hurting today is 2 years past the relationship i had been through other relationships i had even been married but i honestly and without expectation gave of my self to this woman I truly feel she deserves someone better than i was for her so please (ks) god be with always.. we made promises all of them I feel we kept commitment sincerity and trust.. (maybe i should have been more cautious)(NO THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND) when you are in love I really believed in happily ever after. One promise she didn’t keep was if her or i felt we had to move on we would let the other say why talk about it then allow that person to go even if we hated each other i feel we could have done this. I was played a fool lied about made a joke of held accountable for all the lies some i’ve heard others i don’t care to comment on so she could get the attention she was seeking all her life (she had it from me i guess i just was waste of her time and the commitment and attention wasn’t enough) now i just want to stop hurting and move on maybe never to have a soul mate again in my life but I cant be there for anyone else if i cant be there for me i have found some tools to help the days pass, but i find myself stuck 90 out of 100 days. i left my friends family and so much more i was and am devoured by the thought we weren’t even friends …i was told to toss anything she ever gave me in those 9 years i could only find a small book of memories she made and i am hold that..that was made with love… but i HAD NEVER NOTICED SHE NEVER purchased ANY THING ever FOR ME IT WASNT IMPORTANT HER COMPANIONSHIP WAS ALL I EVER IMAGINED AND MORE EVEN WHEN WE SAT NOT TALKING i knew she was there near me that was good enough for a life time if you ask me … so please don’t tell me to just move, grow up,, or stop because if that’s the answer .. then i am stuck thanks for taking the time to real my pain “PLEASE SHOW ME HOW TO STOP HURTING SO MUCH AND I WONT HAVE TO PRETEND ANYMORE”

  302. Rebecca says:

    My husband told me he wanted a divorce. I was broken. I didnt know what to do or what to say. Although, he has many reasons as to why and him and I both know it. It still hurts. Sometimes we put salt on the wound to watch the other person cry in pain. Its unfair, its rude, its heartless. One day I hope to let go and move on. Our son is just a little of 2 and even though I worry about him, maybe in the long run its better for him. No matter what. I still and will always be in love with this man.

  303. Time Is a healer says:

    Hello everybody, I hope you are all well, I just want to say sumthing to the people going through a rough time. I broke up with my bf in beginning of November. Mid December I posted something on here, about how hopless And depressed I was, iv gone through it all, I went through depression, had sleepless nights, stpoped eating & lost so much weight that I started looking like a Skelton, lol. I had a really rough time & thought I’d never get over it, because I loved him so much, I still do love him, however I’m no more that depressed girl who couldn’t cope, TIME REALLY IS A HEALER, I dint believe that until recently, but you have to be patient & control ur emotions, it’s hard but it’s not impossible. I talk to my ex now, but I moving on, I still wish we could be together but I’m in no rush, ItS like I have a whole new life. None of u r gobs for or b single forever, trust me, god has made someone for us all. I want u all to smile knowing that life ahead will b great, there’s no doubt, but you need to help yourself, otherwise no one can. LOoking back to how I was a few months ago makes me feel utterly embarrassed now. People don’t waste ur time on sumone that won’t appreciate you or ur love. If u Wana talk, mail bk, I’m rite here 😉

    Kind regard to all & keep smiling!

  304. Emily says:

    I just broke up with my fiance a couple of weeks ago. We were together for almost five years after he proposed to me. It was on and off for several months, where none of us knew what we wanted. A couple of weeks ago he just said he was done. I told him then pack your bags and go, but I didnt think he would just leave like this. He pratically raised my son and told me he will never leave me. I feel so betrayed by him. I am so humiliated and angry. I still love him, but I am very angry at him. I try to be as strong, but I get a lot of anxiety, and I feel sad at times. Sometimes I cry my self to sleep because I miss him. I just think I have trouble letting go. I pray to god that positive things come my way and that someday I can be happy again. I am so glad that I have my son with me all the time, he is what keeps me strong.

  305. klaus says:

    its been more than a month when things went wrong, she suddenly told me if i love her then i replied and told her that i still love her. then things suddenly change to the worst. she was taking a vacation in australia. we were still together even thou we are seperated by land until she was dating someonen in australia. then boom everything went crazy. she doesnt tell me everything why she chooses to stay there for good until by some chance i saw that she is indeed dating someone in australia when i was browsing facebook. its been more than a month that she was hiding the fact that she is with someone else until yesterday the guy she was dating posted on facebook that they are indeed dating. my life shatters coz she is indeed lying about it. she love someone. i love her when she was still here and all the 3yrs we work out were gone to waste. im a bit disappointed and frustrated that i want to end this pain. now im trying to move on to my new life as a single guy. we were not married thats why she took the opportunity. i hate the way she have done to me. you trust her so much and lover her but now everythings all hate,frustrations and anger. i’ll prove to her all the promise i made. and smack everything back to her. but now my primary focus now is to be single forever. i dont like to trust anymore.

  306. Angela says:

    I do not love him anymore, but I am not over the hurt and anger. I hate him so much. I’ve tried not to but I can’t. I don’t like carrying bitterness around with me constantly, as long as I am still hurt by him he will always have a hold over me. Time doesn’t heal all wounds.

  307. Dupe says:

    Mine is a very peculiar case bc am in a polygamous marriage, which is legal n acceptable in my country. I have been with him for 13years n it’s been hell, I v an 8year old with him, he is abusive, manipulative n makes everything look like its my fault. I want to leave him permanently, I v left before but always have a way of working his way back into my life. I still have feelings for him but certainly not love…not anymore. How do I leave him, he is a very important person in my country and I don’t want to loss my only child-which is d reason I have been enduring the emotional n physical abuse since 1999. My family know what am going through but feel I should remain there. I am tired of living with him, I am so unhappy and depressed, I engage in a lot of self harm just to take the stress off. What do I do.

  308. Blessed says:

    I would like to dedicate these two songs for myself and all of you . Try to listen . God bless all of you .

    1) Because of you CHC – youtube
    2) Lord you are always here with me – youtube

    * I went through divorced with my husband 7 years ago . Then, I met a guy who loved me and my daughter so much and thought of having a happy family but unfortunately , he passed away last year . I went for abortion twice . My heart is broken and the pain will be forever . Feel tired and exhausted . But I thank God if it is not because of HIM I won’t live today .

  309. heartbroken says:

    I don’t know what to do with myself right now. This no contact thing is killing me. We broke up last Thursday and haven’t spoken on the phone since. He says its too difficult right now and thought it best if we had no contact for a week. This feels like torture for me. the first few days I sent him a lot of text messages and a few pictures of my little boy and I.
    I am so heart broken over this whole situation. I walk around with a very heavy heart and a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach every minute of the day.
    The whole breakup took me very much by surprise. We were together for 18 months, I have a 4 year old son who adored my bf. he was wonderful with my son, took him to do lots of things, taught him lots, he was a wonderful male role model for my son. I thought we were happy. he has met my mom and brother, the rest of my family live far away so that hasnt been an option yet. I have met all his family as he just flew my son and I home for Christmas with him. he gave me a ring, necklace and earrings for christmas. he told me he loved me. He talks about his future with us in it, he called me wifey sometimes to other people, he had just bought us a couple massage for valentines day, we have summer vacation plans already made. I thought we were happy and then out of the blue he came over and said he loved my son and i a lot but he wasnt in love with me and wanted to break up. How could be do this to me? I want to work things out with him so badly. it never felt like he didnt love me. he would still make love to me, cuddle with me, lie in bed and stroke my hair, .this all just seems so unfair.
    he said he feels more like my brother and my sons uncle but how can this be true when we were still very intimate very frequently! I’m so confused and hurting. any advice would help!

  310. Veronica says:

    Umm..wow..this is a first time.. in a long time..I..who can be very loud and outgoing..TO THE POINT THAT I GET SICK OF HEARING MY OWN VOICE & HAVE TO TELL MYSELF TO SHUT UP..WHICH USUALLY DOESN’T WORK THEN EITHER..LOLOL….heartless..CHEWING ANYONE’S EAR OFF TO SEE IF THEY AGREE W/ MY POINT..uncontrolable in EVERYWAY..wronged..DAMAGED BY EVERY THING I THOUGHT OR ACTUALLY DID HURT ME..even when I know I’ve reached the level of ridiculousness..AND AM MAKING AN a** OF MYSELF.. am speechless..Not for lack of words or thoughts..But b/c I don’t quite have the point.. I am taking from all this..totally “disected” (lol..if you knew me..you’d really get that joke..Newways)..my heart actually ached with each story on this page..every point of view..every ounce of emotion..I am going threw an “abundance of life” right now..and may I add..I am positive..that my “Level” of “an abundance of life”..exceeds-thus far-any realm that a 26 year old ..mother of three and married for 10 years..>Sane person..is aware of..
    I always fantasized about this unspoken language for myself and my husband.. that I thought was without saying..I thought I gave off that personality every since I became, well attracted to men..which was I have to feel and be enough for my man..I can’t share him ..unless we talked it out first..and AGREED..lol..that’s different..then that is clear plan English..lol I don’t look at me as being controling..I think its sexy for him a husband to know w/out a doubt he is hers and a wife to know she is his..not the way it’s worked out for me..and my husband..which saddens me..Yeah he cheated..and we moved passed it..I really did forgive him and actually loved him more than before which shocked me..b/c I always told myself I’d never be the..Not good enough wife..then it happened to me and I Stayed..and never did I think well Ill stay for the kids or poor me.. or why why and we had just had our first baby together and I didn’t even cry that much over it then..I brought it up every so often..but honestly I barely thought about it..well flash forward..we became. in my eyes best friends..I couldn’t wait to wake up and clean my house cook take care of our kids..live and was happy..sure I had anger issues and problems I have OCD panic disorder and extreme high anxiety..all excuses I feel ..and well no we have gone through a new level of “wtf” lol bc we now have 3 kids 10..8..2..all girls..he cheating on me and it was alot..he got a job where he traveled..yada yada we got passed it I was soo happy he was comin home..I wasn’t gonna be this bitc* we would be romantic and better than before..but somehow..it’s not ..don’t get me wrong..I love my husband he is my favorite person to look at when he smiles he is sooo sexy..but I am tired of not feeling that way when he looks in my eyes like when we got together 10 years ago..we have our moments..I don’t expect us to get stupid with it w have lives and kids..but we barely hold hands..he doesn’t even seem to wanna kiss me at times and me too it feels awkward and we both are aware of it at times..but then when I relax..we are awesome..we’ve been in a motel for 3 weeks now he hasn’t watched one movie w me..if I take his phone or unplugged his computers he throws a fit..i mean gets angry..wont even think about anything but the fact he cant be on them.. and I don’t want him to be mad at me for that..I am doing it to try and get him to see without me having to control him and be that wife ..well i don’t know how this helped ..im sure I will think about this some more..ty

  311. enzo says:

    was in a marriage for 4 yrs and my wife cheated on me and to b honest i was rily hurt,she cheated on me with on older man almost twice my age and again with a younger man than her!i beat her so hard and left her at her parentsls place but i wanted so much to be with her as i loved so much,we saperated for 4mnths and got bek together,i suspect shez still cheating on me but she says she still wants to be my wife i rily want to let thos marrige go but i still love her!m rily confused and hurt what can i do to let this go and start a new life for myself coz i cant kip on living in misery!

  312. Laura says:

    Candy

    thank you for sharing your story. Empty and you and I got taken in by a charming man who we wanted to believe in. The counselor I’m seeing calls what they do ’emotional abuse’. One day they want to get married; the next they don’t even answer your text messages. They tell you they love you; then suddenly start answering text messages and phone calls. My favorite was the time when I showed up at my man’s house (he was expecting me). When I walked thru the door, he said into his phone, “I gotta go.” and hung up quickly. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt but him hanging up like that is so suspicious. I feel like you; like an idiot for hanging on as long as I did. But we loved those stupid men and thought that if I were good enough to him he would give up his other girls. D’oh!!! I have done research into men who behave like ours did and have concluded that those men have no soul. I wonder whatever happened in their life to make them so callous and insensitive to the pain they cause us. The other thing I wonder; why would the chick he was flirting with tolerate him hanging up on her like that? Turns out she knew about me and was enjoying being the ‘other woman’. Well, she’s welcome to him cuz she’s not going to be the one who ‘cures’ him. no one can except himself.But he has to want to change. It sounds like your man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with his behavior. Maybe he should move to Syria where that type of male behavior is tolerated. NOT HERE!!!!

  313. loveme for ever says:

    friends i was in love with a girl who was staying far away from me, this lady requested me for some pocket money which i gave to her, and i real loved this lady with all my hearts, what happened is that after giving her the money she went to see her ex-boy friend on my money i gave her. am real crazy now over what she did but still i love her what can i do please?

  314. Tate says:

    The first love of my life, a girl who I was completely and utterly crazy about and whom I would do anything for. We only dated for about six or seven months, but we were so close. I donno what happened, but one day she just ended it. I was devastated. I felt like crawling into a cave
    Somewhere and dying, but I didn’t, and I didn’t try to stop her from
    Leaving, because you know that saying ” if you truly love someone,let them go” and I only wanted her happiness. It’s been over five and a half years now, and I’ve had a couple of girlfriends in between, I had fooled myself into thinking I was ready when I wasn’t. I dont want to sound pathetic, but I still
    Think about her sometimes. I can’t seem to stop her from
    Randomly poping into my head. It doesn’t happen often now, but it still does. I don’t know if this is normal or not, or if I’m just having a hell of a hard time
    Letting her go. But anyway, thanks for listening and thanks for
    Your article. They both helped, and it felt so good to actually be able to tell all this to someone, even if that someone is someone I’ve never met.

  315. Candy says:

    Hi everyone:

    I was going to write about my pain and happened to me, but it is the same as Empty and Laura.

    All I can say that after reading this site and all your pain, my heart goes out to you all as I am going through the same situation.

    5 years of my life was a lie, I gave all I have and he used me, he dated multi women.

    I like most of you, should forgive myself for being stupid, I have a kind heart and he used it.

    I see the best in people, when the devil came into my life I could not see it and was deceived.

    For the first time last night I slept well, as I knew then that he is the damaged goods not me.

    No matter what I am, how beautiful I am or not, how good I am or not, he is a liar, manipulative, user, womanizer who needs many women to make himself feel good about himself, it is not me, it is him, he has issues.

    He kept telling me that I was mental till Xmas day when I logged into his sex site and into history of his chats to women and evidance of his meetings with these women. I confronted him and walked out, I wasted 5 years of my life and my tears to the most evil person who promised me marriage.

    He had no intention of ever marrying me. He wanted his freedom to go out with women from sex sites and to his admission he regularly visited lap dancers clubs, he said it was part of his job to go there but once he slipped and said that he loves these young women with perfect bodies. I wanted to walk then but my friends told me lap dancers are nothing. but now I know that he was also meeting up with women, on bemyfuckbuddie, clickandflirt, dirtysexlove, benaughty, wildbuddies.

    After speaking to some of them that he has met. I feel such a fool for being so trustee.

    I doubt it that I will ever go out with a man and not wonder whether he is doing or not.

    I feel that I have lost my faith in men, I am sure there are many decent men but for time being I am staying single to recover so that I do not take it out on an innocent person.

  316. Empty says:

    Laura – Because you love or loved this man, you desperately want him to be the sincere and devoted person you thought he was – the person he ‘should’ be. If only he were, you could have had a lovely life together instead of this wasted opportunity – I totally get that; and, if that makes you an idiot, then, so am I :(

    Please don’t be so hard on yourself – the mixed messages these people send, combined with the half-truths, actual truths and outright deceptions are enough to drive an emotionally-involved rational person to the point of madness.

    Am glad we met to share our thoughts and experiences :)

  317. Laurie,

    I just stumbled onto your article. I want to thank you for talking about letting go of someone you love, without the article being only about romantic relationships. We love our family members and friends, too. No matter how loyal a friend (or family member) we may be, sometimes rifts occur and it can be painful. All of your points sound helpful and excellent!

    Thank you.

    Margaret Mary

  318. Laura says:

    Empty—you are so right…I have read your message over and over and I thank you for it. I got it at just the right time. Your comment about a man who is cherished by a wonderful woman yet looks for attention elsewhere truly hit home…I spent a lot of time puzzling about that. He always said he never had anyone who was as good to him as I am. He loved my cooking, my loving, my morals, my sense of humor…everything. he said I’m the best thing that has happened to him in 20 plus years (I beleve that; I really do; trust me). But those comments always made me wonder why he is hanging onto his ‘just friends’. If I’m so great, why does he need those chicks???? I saw some of the text and facebook messages he left for those other women. A man doesn’t talk to a ‘friend’ like that. Yet he insisted that’s all it was. I am so ashamed that I held on as long as I did…I guess I hoped against hope that he would one day give up those chicks since I was the only one in the same city and that I was so good to him. (his other girls were 10 or 12 hours away; go figure). But I now know that he needs multiple women and that he is damaged. I hope that one day I can forgive myself for being so stupid. It doesn’t get any easier to know I was dumped by a guy like that. I’m an idiot.

  319. lostinlove says:

    HI,i stumbled on this site while looking for clue to if my wife still loves me. but what i have realized after reading these post is my relationship is past that and i need to let go. my only issues is we have a 7month boy and if i push away she will not allow me to see him. about 5 months ago after an argument, we stopped talking for about 5 days due to phone issues. when i got my phone back she was still logged on her email and i found out right after we stopped talking she joined this dating sites. started giving her number out and sending videos and pics i died the day i saw them . i cried and wanted to end my life but my son would nned me 1 week later i found out i had a tumar in the back of my head which made me vounerable ,and after all that i saw i wanted and needed her back more then eever.. about a month later she gets a hold of me telling she is so depressed without me and needs me in her life. And life a suker i give in and take her back now she consatantly plays these games with my head that she wants me on min and then next ignores me for days at a time. I really want to be strong and not move on but stand up for my sel and move forward.I dont know what to do or how to go about this im confused and feel as i need to let go before i lose myself completely..i dont know if what im saying makes any sense but it felt good to actually say something. thanks for listening …

  320. Empty says:

    Hi Laura! Thanks for the timely reminder – I do believe you – in the context of a bona fides relationship, these guys are toxic because they will never be satisfied with the attention of just one woman, no matter how sincere they appear in their affections.

    I didn’t mention it before, but, prior to finding out about the girl in India, I happened to discover that mine was befriending girls on webcam and adding them as friends under a fake facebook profile! Looking back, I find it quite sad that a person who was cherished by two women should obtain such a thrill from the attention of random strangers. At the time, he said he thought I’d be okay with it because he saw it as the equivalent of watching porn, but, of course,it was different because he was interacting with these girls and telling them that he missed them, etc. This was a big red flag, but, because he seemed so utterly contrite, and because I really wanted to believe in him, I let it go.

    When you mentioned that yours has been texting and that you returned a single brief text, I was reminded of something I once read – ‘attention, no matter how small, is currency’. Maybe, he was just looking for you to bite on the bait, to know that you’re not too busy/disengaged to read his texts? The point is that he has achieved his goal – he now has your attention to the extent that, once again, you’re wondering about him, his motives, his sincerity.

    As much as you may want to believe in him, I can do no better than to remind you of what you already know, (as you have so generously done for me) – that is, to be very wary indeed of his sweet words – Your ex may be sincere as far as his limited capability goes, but the key word here is ‘limited’. These people are damaged, (for whatever reason), and they hurt those around them. Believe me, I know how difficult it is to write them off – I’m living it at the moment – but, if we don’t, we are sacrificing our own peace of mind and, ultimately, our own health, both mental and physical. It’s too high a price to pay.

    Do take care of yourself.

  321. Moonshine says:

    Very nice quote Laura.

  322. Pain says:

    I went out with this girl for 4 months and I loved her with all my heart truly and summer vacation was coming up so we separated for the 3 month vacation and the next time I see I asked her if she wanted to get back together she said she met someone better and walked off my heart was broken and still is she is the only girl I have bean able to think about for a year and I cant move on I think I might still love her evan after what she did to me

  323. Laura says:

    The one who makes you cry doesn’t deserve your tears; the one who deserves your tears will never make you cry.

  324. maureen says:

    Last week I had lunch with my sister who I had not seen since my mothers death 4 years again, before that I had not seen her for at least another 4 years, when we met up I felt nothing, not glad, or happy,or sad, nothing, we had fallen out over my mum, with me being Power of Attorney, and being in charge with things that my sister was not happy about.But why have I no feelings over this.

  325. IamMe says:

    One of the things that hurts me the most is to see others suffering. I only read through one page of posts- it seems like there are mostly, if not all women posting here. First I want to say to all of you: I am so very, VERY sorry for all of the pain you are going / have gone through.

    Time doesn’t really matter to a person who is heart broken; happy things make you sad because it reminds you of how it could be. Words of wisdom sound like a lecture and rarely help us feel like there is hope.

    There is no real answer, no real explanation. I know all to well how hopeless and useless you/we/I become. So, I just want to say I wish you were hurting; I wish none of us were hurting. And I am sorry for what you are going through.

    xo

  326. Confused says:

    Hello everyone,
    I just want to thank everyone for sharing their story, and at least I know I am not the only one who is hurt. I ran across this website, because I was trying to find a way to let go of someone you love. I am now 28 about to be 29. When I first met my husband I was still getting over someone who had broken my heart. I remember praying to God to send me someone who will help me get over this guy. Then God sent me my husband who made me smiled, who made me want to change for the better. We did everything together, spent every holiday and birthday together. WE joined the military together. Three years after dating we decided to get married. Something inside of me did not want a child, but he told me that if I did not give him a child he would divorce me. So I stopped taking my birth control. He had to go overseas, that’s when I found out I was pregnant. I was happy and he was happy, after coming back from overseas he told me that he did not want to be married or have a child. So of course during my entire pregnancy I cried because he was not there, but then he hurt me when he told me that. I had one more month to have our child and he was not there. It took me awhile to move on, but I did, and of course my husband apologized to me and told me he has been praying and he is a changed man. I took a step back, and I felled in love with him more, to find out that he never changed. He got out the military because he had hurt his back came home and some night he wouldn’t come home, girls would call the phone. He would tell me that they were lying and he wasn’t messing with anyone. My husband and I separated, but we were still intimate with each other. The moment we started back dating each other, I get a phone call from a woman who told that she has a set of twins with my husband. Again I was heartbroken. WE talked and I took him back with his kids. This time my husband tried, and I did not forgive him. It makes me upset with myself as I write this, because my husband was showing me who he was all along, I just was too blind to acknowledge it. Long story short 10 years has gone by, and now I had made up my mind that I am tired of crying tired of being disrespected. I was trying to hold on because my son loves his dad, but his dad only wants to come around when I am giving him sometime. It’s hard because I grew up without my dad or mom, and I wanted my son to be lucky to have both.
    Other reason I stayed is because people would tell me he don’t love me and move on: I thought they were telling me that because they wanted him, or they just didn’t want us to be together. I have been a part of his family for 10 yrs., and not only am I losing a person I have given so much to I am also losing family

  327. emmy says:

    I was dating someone briefly (2 months) and made did something they did not like. This caused him to cut me out of his life. I responded by making a thorough ass of myself, to the point that they blocked my number. When I look back on the whole episode, I realize that it wasn’t that deep, yet I feel an unrelenting desire to “fix” the situation and get him back although he has made it abundantly clear that he wants nothing to do with me. I’m not sure what part of me wants him the most, my ego (that took a slap when he dumped me) or me (who may or may not actually like him). Every day I fight the desire to send him emails, knowing full well the chance of him responding is slim. I don’t know why I feel so desperate.

  328. Moonshine says:

    @ Ferguson,

    It will take time to get over this. But I can assure you, time will heal the wounds. Sometimes you’ll have good days and you’ll be strong, but sometimes you’ll have bad days thinking about a future with him and missing him. But that’s okay, if you feel sad, just cry.. be sad, even all day if you want. But don’t hang on to it for a long time. The world has so much more to offer and I’m sure there’s someone out there who will love just the way you deserve.

    See it as a journey. And don’t forget that God is always with you, He will not give you more than you can handle. You are strong, but I think you just don’t realize it yet. But time will tell, and I have a feeling that you will come out stronger.

    @ Beautiful love

    You’re welcome. You know, I’ve been through something similar. He was engaged to another woman but wanted to stay in contact with me. At first I didn’t know about him being engaged. He always said that I was the best thing that happened to him and that I was the perfect woman for him. (He was my ex, but he contacted me again, I guess he missed me.)

    Then I found out about this other lady. (By the way me and my ex weren’t back together, we were in our ‘sorting things out fase’)

    I’ve asked myself this question: If he truly loves me and wants to be with me, what’s holding him back? I mean, he’s a grown man who can make his own decisions right? Later I realized that I was Plan B. If it doesn’t work out with this other lady, he will expect me to be there waiting for him. I can’t believe that I was so blind. So I sent him a long email telling him that I don’t accept it to be Plan B and a lot of other stuff. I never heard from him again ( I think he feels busted).

    I’m not saying that your boyfriend (don’t know if I can call it that?) sees you as Plan B. But I’m thinking: If he was really serious about being together with you, he would have taken action long ago. If you want we can stay in contact. What’s your emailadress?

  329. Dee says:

    I’m in such a crapy spot right now. I am in therapy learning more about myslef, things I do, how I feel, my beliefs, my fears. I also broke up with a man three years ago for what I’m learning now, were normal relationship things, conflict. He was devistated, he loved me and he would’ve done whatever it took then to make it work. I was too scared and didn’t know what I was doing. I had stuff related to my Dad that’s been coming out too that I didn’t realize was from that. This is so hurtful to realize and every guy I had been with has been my whipping post. It hurts me to know I’ve been this way to others, especially to the I guy I’m referring to from three years ago.

    I kept wanting to get back with my ex, he was unsure,and my emotions got the best of me. I did act like a crazy person at times (and that I feel like a fool about too). All I was learning about myself and mistakes I had made, I wanted to apply to being with him. But I’m still learning and it hurts more each time I go to therapy and find out more. Being with him was something I had wanted for the past three years. I couldn’t be just friends with him without acting like a crazy at times and he eventually asked me not to contact him and to move on. He has now moved on and living with a woman. He’s a good man and whomever he is with is a lucky woman. I wished I would’ve known then what I know now and been able to apply it to my relationship with him. I so regret ever letting him go, and not being at a better place with myself while he was in my life and now it’s too late. I loved that man and still do.

    So how does one forgive herself and move on. So much guilt and I’m finding it hard to forgive myself. I lost a great man. I don’t feel I’ll ever find or even want to be with another man again. Don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get it right with a man again and right now I don’t care if I do. I lost the one I wanted to be with and it hurts so much.

  330. Laura says:

    The man who broke my heart so many times is trying to contact me again. Am I some kind of damned game to him? He told me he wants out; so I gave him space. Now he contacts me via text message several times a day and writes really sweet messages like he did when we were together. He returned from a trip a few nights ago and one of his texts said he’s glad to be back home so he can fall asleep looking at my picture (on his nightstand). It seems the more I ignore him the harder he tries. Then one day, I did reply to one of his texts. It wasn’t anything big…I simply answered, “yes” when he asked if I had a good weekend. As soon as I did; he shut down again. What is that about? If he truly has the feelings he is trying to express then why would he disappear as soon as I respond to him? And if he doesn’t have those feelings, why say the things he says? What the hell? Is this some kind of game guys play? Any input would be much appreciated.

  331. Ferguson says:

    To Moonshine:

    Hi there. Thanks for your advice. yes… you are right. I will open up someday. I know I need to be honest to myself. … But I will pray and try to find the right time for it… and I will need to be ready for it … to accept the consequences of such confession and the impact its gona have to myself, family and friends….

    Regarding my friend, …. well, he has invited me to have dinner at his girl friend’s place. This time, I have said yes….. . But I will be away for a business trip for 2 weeks. I volunteered for this work at the end of last year. So, I told him that I would like to catch up with him and his girl friend after i come back from my work trip. Deep down in my heart, I know he is now absolutely happy with his life. His relationship with his 2 children and even his ex wife is very good and they are still good friends. He doesnt have to tell me, but he is now a new person with a bright and light heart . I know he and his girl friend will be very happy and can complete each other. I love him …….very much…… and every single day, I still do miss him.I am praying so that God will enable me to see the happy side of this life path for me and them. And I do hope that I will be happy seeing him happy and finally to find a closure someday.

    I will see how God will unfold my life…

    Thank you so much moonshine… I am glad a i have a friend in this cyberspace 😉

  332. Hanan says:

    Just share a little from mine,
    It started 2 years ago, when I was with my first ex. We had been for years, but my mom didn’t accept him as my ex. So I decided to backstreet. Everything was fine, until one day my friend told me that he cheated on me. At first I didn’t believe it. Until I met someone, call him Al. Al was my ex’s frienemies (friend and enemy). He told me that my ex cheated on his dating, who supposed to be his girlfriend but she prefer to be my ex’s affair. We was so choked up, so we supported each other and we became friends. 3 months after this mess, I choose to break up with him. Al cheered me up, and said that I’m beautiful and there’s a lot of guys want to be mine include him if he could. So, I decided to move on even though it was hard. A week later, Al messaged me. We talked pointless topic but it was fun and then he said that he liked me then he asked if I did the same or not. But I didn’t answer it:-) After that he gave me a voice note at NYE 2011, “Hi..hi…this is me, Al. Don’t be sad again. Happy new year! Hahaha.” I’m so cheered up and started to like him but I still remembered my ex. Until a week later, he surprised me by picked me up to school which was far from our house and he had to picked me up at 5.30am because it was so far. After he dropped me to school, he asked me to be his girlfriend. And I clearly say yes after all his efforts he had done.

    Month through month we had been through, I spent a lot of joyful times with him. He said that he was lucky to be mine because he had never had a girlfriend before and nobody wanted to be his girlfriend before. He said that my ex was so stupid to cheated on me and said he wouldn’t do that. I said that he was the one thing that brings me life. Then we shared cute moments I won’t forget. We had through thickk and thin and we were still fine. And I had my very first kiss with him. I thought this will be the final darkest time of my entire life, but I was wrong. September, it started again. He turned to be cold, but I didn’t know why. I had tried to do everything to get him back like the first we met, but I couldn’t. Until December, he broke up with me. I didn’t find anything wrong at first. I cried hard. And I couldn’t help myself.

    A day later, my friend, who was Al’s friend too, called me. She asked me if it’s true I broke up with me. I said that’s true. Suddenly she cried and said, “Hanan, I’m sorry:”( I wanted to tell you about this before but I was too afraid. Al is cheating with my friend. It happens 3 months ago. She had a boyfriend too, but she broke up a week ago. I saw them, what he had been done, he’s a jerk. I can’t tell you, it’s too hurt. I saw he sleep on her thigh, he lied on you, brought her everywhere while you didn’t get it from him. I’m sorry!! Please move on, and if he asks you to come back, just refuse it, he had hurt you bad!!!!”. And after that I tried to move on.. Until my birthday, December 15th, he messaged me happy birthday text and he would give a present for me. I was still hoping for it, even until now. But he didn’t give it….and I received a news that he was in a relationship with that girl now. He said that he was so sorry, but didn’t say anything to him. And soon, we never talked again.

    Now, I still think of him. Even though a lot of boys try to steal my heart, but they can’t, because they’re not Al. I know that it’s stupid but everytime I tried to move on I can’t get him outta my head. I still love him, but that’s not enough to take him back. I don’t want him back as my boyfriend, I just want him back as my best friend. That’s maybe true that people will love then gone as the time goes by, but I can’t pretend that I didn’t care of him. I still pray to God to take care him and hope he’ll get the best girl for him, even though it’s not me. I wanna be his friend again, but I’m afraid his girl will angry at me or he has forgotten me. I don’t know what to do, and I still stuck to see both of them and walk in my life fulll of regret.

  333. Beautiful Love says:

    Hi, Moonshine,

    Thank you for your reply. I’m glad someone is listening to me. You are right that he should tells me about his engagement the first time we met. I guess he never intend to fall for me initially, neither me. We have some normal conversation, but after some time, we felt that we have some similarity in our characters and we do communicate well. We never argue, instead we listen to each other whenever we have indifferent opinions. Both of us were soft in solving problems or any issues. We can tolerate each other very well.
    Yes, I know I have to stop this, but how to let go someone you love when your relationship are still so good. How to start the conversation to let go this? Currently, it’s so hard for me to do it unless we have a big fight over some issues and that will be the excuse for us to let go… I’m glad you truly understand how I feel now. I’m confused what should I do now? to leave him immediately? I will be miserable if I have to leave him now.
    Do you mind to talk? Have email address?

  334. Laura says:

    @ Empty…thank you for your well wishes for me. Please be strong. He will contact you and try to keep you in his loop; even if he’s hanging onto the woman in India (or other women.) If he’s like the guy I was with he will work very hard to get your attention again. Please don’t go there. I did…got my heart broken all over again. I know your situation is a little different from mine but the fact remains we both got involved with men who crave attention from multiple women. Please believe me…he’s poison.

  335. Moonshine says:

    @ Fergusson

    I also have a good friend who is struggling with the fact that he’s gay. And he’s afraid to tell his family because of his culture & religion. He is even afraid to tell me. (I found out about it when he forgot his ipod at my place and I saw some videos on it). I will just wait untill he opens up.. but I just can’t bare to see him strugge with it.

    About your good friend and his girlfriend. Why don’t you just accept one of his invitations? Meet her and you might even like her and see that he’s truly happy with her. I’m sure you don’t want to lose your friendship and he is probably wondering why you are hiding from him. Maybe he will think that he’s done something wrong. I truly understand how hard this might be for you, but you can’t hide forever.

    Please let me know what you will do. And good luck! If you need a listening ear,you can always talk to me.

  336. Moonshine says:

    @ Fergusson

    I also have a good friend who is struggling with the fact that he’s gay. And he’s afraid to tell his family because of his culture & religion. He is even afraid to tell me. (I found out about it when he forgot his ipod at my place and I saw some videos on it). I will just wait untill he opens up.. but I just can’t bare to see him strugge with it.

    About your good friend and his girlfriend. Why don’t you just accept one of his invitations? Meet her and you might even like her and see that he’s truly happy with her. I’m sure you don’t want to lose your friendship and he is probably wondering why you are hiding from him. Maybe he will that he’s done something wrong. I truly understand how hard this might be for you, but you can’t hide forever.

    Please let me know what you will do. And good luck! If you need a listening ear,you can always talk to me.

  337. sara says:

    A part of me feels really pathetic but I cant stop the feeling I get when he crosses my mind..everyday. I first met him at work..he was a supervisor..not mine tho. very attractive and very responsible for the age of 20. We started dating..I pursued him he was interested. He claimed the first time we hung out that it wasnt a date but clearly when we said goodbye that night he wasnt sure anymore if he meant that. The next morning he would not take his eyes off of me at work when I would be close to his department and he would text me saying how bad he wanted me…I wanted him too. The lust was insane. I have never been more attracted to a man since laying my eyes on him. We stared to hang out a lot more and traded stories of past relationships… we both were newly seperated. I had recently got out of a 6 yr relationship with a man I have two children with. That relationship was very unhealthy and started when I was 16. I thought I would always be unhappy and that even if we seperated noone would ever want to be with a young mother of two. that was until I had found the job that I met the new guy at. I was 23…he was 20. He told me about his last relationship and that the woman was older than him aswell and she had a daughter. He said they split because she was a compulsive liar and he felt she didnt give him any respect and to add to that she was still married but seperated because the man was abusive. He told me that he missed her daughter tho because he was like a second dad to her…it all sounded so crazy to me. It didnt stop me from wanting to see him since I had a previous past too and he accepted that. we quickly became a cpl I would say we did the first time we hung out cuz it didnt stop after that. about a month after getting to know him he called me and said he was very depressed and has some really bad news. He told me that his ex had sent him a pic of a positive pregnancy test and he doesnt think its his. He told me that she said she wasnt able to have any more kids due to a condition she had..and b4 when he attempted to break up with her she would say she was prego to make him stay. when he told me about the pic she sent him..I thought..of course something had to go wrong cuz he was someone I would only find in my dreams. He was so confused and told me that even tho its only been a month he wished that it was me pregnant instead of her..and that he felt his life was ruined. I told him everything will be okay but I cant compete with this. I felt that if it really was his kid he will eventually get back with her and after everything i have dealt with in my past I didnt want to fall further inlove with him and have my heart broke. He said that it really hurt his feelings that I wanted to walk away…and when he expressed that..there was no way I could cuz the feelings I had whenever I would see him, talk to him, hear his voice and touch him were sooo extreme that him showing his vulnerable side made me fall for him even more. So I hung in there. She pleaded to him that it was his baby. So he stood up like a man and told her he would go to appts with her. The first time he went with her she said she wanted to be with him again and she was sorry for everything and he told her that he was with someone new “me”. She was so pissed off she kicked him out of the docs office and said she didnt want anything to do with him. The following months after that she would randomly text him saying she was truley sorry for everything..and she would ask how he was doing. He wouldnt respond to her. months passed and she emailed him saying the baby was his and it looked liked him and that she moved out of state with her husband . He showed me the pictures and with a cpl month old baby you cant tell.I told him to get a paternity test. he mentioned it to her and she said she wouldnt do it unless he was going to be with her. I thought it all was bullshit and manipulting. by this time him and I were extremely close. I had the best times of my life with him. I still got butterflies whenever I spent time with him but it seemed like I always had feelings of being scared that I would one day lose him. We were together about a good yr and a half until we started getting in petty arguments and whenever we would argue my insecurities lead me to think he was arguing with me to have a reason to break up with me.. we did end up breaking up but the texting wouldnt stop.. we continued to keep contacting eachtoher and saying how we miss eachother and lets try again…I honeslty could never stop thinking about him so whenever he would express to me that certain songs on his ipod would make him miss me bad and that he thinks he can never let me go I would fall right back and even deeper inlove with him. the messed up cycle continued..and he had complete control over it. he finally said we cant do this anymore I dont want to hurt you and I dont want to have more bad memories than good memories with you so were not gonna continue this. I was completly devastated. I didnt agree..my heart and head wouldnt let me let him go. since I still had to see him everyday at work that didnt make it any easier. My heart was freshly broken everyday we crossed paths:( it was like walking by my bestfriend and having to act like I didnt kno him..it was a knife in my soul. I found out about a month later that he went on a date with another female from work. I was not gonna let that slide if I had any control over it. I confronted him and I was very upset. I told him I cant live like this and that I was going to quit my job. He said ..no, dont quit because of me..and then he ended up making plans with me and said that he cant stop himself from wanting to see me and that me being angry and hurt made him stop talking to the other girl. I knew it was true too. because I had mutual friends that were facebook friends with her and seen she was pissed and mislead. I didnt care because I was already madly inlove with him and it wasnt fading away with time. I honestly was basically his muse. He knew how to make me feel like a queen when I was down n out and knew that I thought very highly of him and I knew all about his past and his recent troubles and that he could find comfort in me. I guess something had to give and we didnt talk for about 5 months. I was tring to be strong even tho I had to see him everyday at work. I finally gave in and texted him. He acted soo surprised and said that he was sure I wouldnt ever talk to him again and that we should watch a football game together..I agreed. when we hung out I asked if he thought we would ever be together again and how much i miss him. He said maybe but I dont kno. I want to be alone right now. basically he wanted his cake and eat it too :/ months passed but he was still always on my mind..I tried texting him again and he wouldnt respond… I didnt give up cuz my heart wouldnt let me. about 5 months of him ignoring me he responded to a text i sent him saying… fine grant..if this is what you want ill leave you alone. he responded and said why? I was so irritated that he would come back with such a stupid text after months of me feeling helpless and in the dark. I told him “why” and that I believed since he was gone from work about a week that he was in that other state with his ex. he said we need to get together and talk…I agreed.. I was curious with what he had to tell me and I so badly wanted to see him especially after having no contact with him for months. the following day he came to my apt and looked like his same heartthrob self and gave me a hug and proceeded to my living room where he started with some small talk. I said just tell me grant..whats going on…r we ever going to try again and are you back with her?? he said I did go there and I took a paternity test and the girl is mine she was 2 yrs old at this time. he told me that the only way he could get his ex to come back to mn so he could be in his daughters life was to have a place they could live in because she wasnt gonna leave arkansas for nothing just because he wanted to be in his daughters life and she obviously still wanted him. I said isnt she married he said not anymore. I asked if he really wanted to be with her… and he said I dont but meeting my daughter and seeing how happy I made her in just a week I cant leave her and lose anymore time in her life and I dont want her to lose her dad. I started to cry and he said please dont cry I dont want you hurt but I want to do whats best for my daughter…he also said whatever happens we always end up talking again..that was my only reaasurance. He said she was flying up in about a week and that he already bought a house. He said if he lived for love the way I do…he would be with me but he had to do what he thought was right for his daughter and that he never had any intentions on hurting me. I cried and told him I wish I would have let him go when she said she was pregnant and then he said but then we would have missed out on all those great times we had together. Im telling you it was the worse feeling I have ever had.he said we will talk again and if you ever need anything i will help you if I can. he said just give it a lil time. we talked everyday that following week b4 she flew out here. When she actually came he continued to text me saying that he couldnt stand her and that shes still a liar and hes unsure of what to do…he called me crying saying that he just wants to spend time with his daughter and he cant stand his ex. I said then take her to court for custody rights you dont have to be with her to see your daughter. he said its not that easy..she will leave she will fly back and take her from me..he was definatly confused. a few days passed and you could tell things were simmering down for him…it made me sick to my stomache to kno he was spending everynight with another woman while I was alone and missing him and was always tru to him. I called him one day and said I have to let you go grant.. we have to cut all ties because i feel like like im constantly waiting for something to happen thats not going to. he started crying saying please dont say that…but it wasnt fair to me at all…we cried together on the phone acting as if everything would be fine when we hung up…and it hasnt been since and that was about 1yr9 months ago. He stopped returning my texts and gave me the cold shoulder at work. on facebook he never posted pics of the woman only of his daughter. its like he is living a fake life and it pisses me off that i couldnt get a decent goodbye.and whenever I felt like I was strong enuf to let him go he would beg me not to and since I really dint want to I wouldnt. about a yr and 3 months ago I met a really nice man. Ive made a lot of memories with him already and have fallen inlove with him we now live together and im 4 months pregnant and engaged. but I still think about grant allll the time… I wonder if hes really happy…and if we ever will talk again someday….I have vivid dreams all the time about him and it makes me feel like shit. Theres nothing I can do about it. I cant stop living my life…life goes on…but I feel as if i never got closure….. I kno theres no good enuf answer out there to make me feel better about it all. and its a pain I have to live with. I kno he lives only 20 minutes away from me… I ended up quitting that job a cpl months ago since my fiance said I could since im pregnant anyways and it wasnt a career. and deep down I thought it would be good for me to not have to see grant anymore…but I still think about him and every sad love song makes me think of him. I dont want to be judged but I feel as if writing this makes me feel a lil better and not soo alone like its a huge secret. cuz thats basically what it is. they say time heals everything… I wish it also made me forget. cuz now hes just someone I use to kno…

  338. Ironman says:

    My GF just let me go 2 days ago.I’m not a kid…I’m 53,been around the block a few more times then I’d like to remember.We’ve known eachother since last april.We met in a massage parlor of all places.I am not happy at home,and when I met her we both felt some kind of connection.I was embarresed and ashamed and she , being chinese,not knowing english very well,had no options but to be in this shitty place.after some months of visiting I said to her she is better then this,and told her this is no place for a woman with a red heart…She quit to be with me.But this life got so complicated and she told me to let her go….it’s such a long long story…..but I am so sad

  339. Ferguson says:

    To Moonshine,

    Thank you so much for your reply. Really appreciate that there is someone out there listening to my story. Yes I know…. I am not being fair to myself (and him) . I know from the very beginning when i started to develop the fellings for him that we will never be together. Just simply impossible. My friend is now very happy cuz new possibilities and beginning are unfolding for him. It would be very selfish of me to wish otherwise.

    I have been trying to reason with myself that if I TRULLY love him and I really want him to be happy and all best things possible for him, then I should be more than happy for him to start his new life. Very painful for me to do this, but……. I want to do it because I love him. Recently , i thought to myself, wouldnt it be wonderful if I could contribute to his happiness by being genuinely supportive. But……….easier said than done… I am sure this will take time..

    The problem is now trying to get over him. I have been trying to distant myself from him and I think he is starting to notice that. He and his new girl friend have been trying to invite me to dinner and social gatherings. I have so far politely declined their invitations by giving them any excuses. Still a bit painful to see the, together…. but i dont want to lose his friendship….. is this the right thing to do???? i dont know…..I end up contradicting myself… i am very very confused..

    About me being gay…. maybe some day i will be able to open up. But …I cant now… that will destroy my family….

    Thanks for listening..

  340. Moonshine says:

    @ Fergusson

    It must be very hard for you! I can imagine what you’re going through right now and I feel your pain.
    But from the day you’ve met him, you knew he’s not gay. So this is an impossible love & you must recognize and accept that. You’re saying that you’re good friends, does this mean he also knows that you are gay?

    How come you can’t tell your family that you’re gay? Are you afraid that they would hate you? Do you think that they will never talk to you again? I think the first thing you need to do is tell the people around you who you really are (admit to them that you’re gay) I think and hope that this will make things easier for you and maybe easier to accept that the guy you’re in love with isn’t the one for you.

  341. Torture says:

    My story is beyond different I think….. Without writing a saga..which believe me it is, I will try to compact it. My partner and I have been together for 11 years. When I met him I was married to someone else but we had grown apart and were more like friends. He came over here for me and for a while it was a difficult situation. Eventually my ex moved out after fights with him and all sorts of drama. Throughout the years my partner has had his moments, where he felt he had to go away for a while he always missed me terribly and came back happy. He is an extremely caring and loving person and I love him more than is logical.. Anyway he does get upset easily and has a bit of a temper if things don’t go as he wants. I am a very easy going person and he wanted to do everything for me so I let him and relied on him totally. Last year he started with needing to go away for a while, he did and came back ok. We have a huge problem with my family. My sister has been a problem for ages and he can’t tolerate her as either can I in general. Anyway he felt that he was not appreciated by my family as we also work together and he is a hard worker and does deserve appreciation. The time during when he first came was also difficult for him beyond understanding and I feel awful about it, but then the outcome was us together so much in love and planning our future together so to me it was ok in the end. On top of all this we have been trying to have a much wanted baby and have had problems. Last year a few fights where he could not handle my family and also did not feel appreciated ended with him going away again and this time saying horrible things. He said things like maybe I need to have someone to hurt me so that I can appreciate you etc. Time moved on and he told me at the end of last year that he wanted to keep working with me to fulfill our dreams he still wanted to have children with me that he loved me but he did not see our future:( He said he wanted to be friends although he can never see me as a friend??. Since then he has said I love you to death but the future scares me (mentioning my family) and I don’t know what the future holds or if we end up together. Now trust me a lot has been said and happened in between, but to add onto all this he used to say for as long as I remember that he wanted to help people. He said if he was really rich he would give money to people on the street and get them off the street that he would save prostitutes and everyone who needed help. This to me showed a caring person and only made me admire and love him more. Last year he would cry and I would ask what is wrong and he said I am too caring, I asked him what he meant and he said that he did not want to hurt me but I could see he wanted to tell me something. Before this period he also took some of our money and did not tell me what it was for and was crying over it. Anyway it turns out when he was away he went out and tried to help people. He met this prostitute who apparently is here doing this because she owes a huge amount of money in her country and is chained to this job and can’t get out. He has told me the whole story that she wants to go back to her country and has a dream of opening a business and get out of the contract she has here. This was all a lot to hear as one can imagine. He confided it all to me. He said to me I am not sleeping with her if that is what you think, he said I care for her and want to help her. I felt a connection with her and she wants to be saved. So he sees himself as a saviour so to speak. In the meantime no one knows of this, he does not want me to tell anyone and we continue on as though nothing is different to everyone. However he goes off sometimes to give her money and to not make her work. I know each time where he is going etc. Each time I am sick knowing this and when he tells me all about the progress etc. He found out the price to release her of the contract and how much she owes in her country and that is what he is working towards and putting an extra mortgage on our house. He has several times offered to pack up and go because he can see how I am suffering but I always say no as one I love him and can’t live without him, two we have our dreams together which he also wants three he would have to find another job and what would he do unti then for money and also my Mum lives with us. She is elderly and loves him dearly and he looks after her wonderfully. When he has gone away and I tell her for work, I find her sobbing so it would kill her to think he is gone and we are no longer together:( So I continue suffering not sleeping, not eating unless he is home and in bed beside me. He is an obsessive person and likes to take control and I am just always agreeing and allowing him to do so. In the meantime it is so important to me to have the baby and that has been hard too with all the stress. As he has had problems also in the past he believes the only way is invitro. There are so many questions in my head. Do I continue with the hope that when this journey of helping is over that all will be good and we will be happy and as he said whether we end up together or not this will make us closer? Do I wait to see how his heart is at the end of all this? I want our baby more than anything. If I get rid of him from the house like he said I should do because of all my suffering, I not only cause myself extreme pain, I say goodbye to my dreams and also most definately damage my Mum. He still often tells me how he loves me and how he cares for me. He still calls my Mum his Mum and we mix with our friends as a couple. He thanks me for being on this journey with him to help this girl as he never expected that I would support him. He says he worries that one day I will have enough pain as the body tends to protect itself and kick him out. He said he is putting all his trust on me. A lot of things were said in the past, and even recently. A couple of days ago he thought we had missed our chance to be together that he changed and thata miracle would have to happen for us to end up together but then a couple of days ago he said when this is all over I hope I can see what is truly in my heart and he also sent me a message yesterday telling me he loves me to death and misses me to death. (something he has not said which is our signature for ages) I cried and cried when I read it. I have asked for signs what to do and I pray constantly for guidance. I just don’t know how to go about it or what to do…. It is really torture:((

  342. Empty says:

    To Laura

    Laura, I’m deeply grateful to you for taking the time to respond – Your advice has helped me so much. He’s asked to remain friends, but I’ve decided to eliminate him from my life completely, and, anytime I feel my resolve weakening, I’m going to re-read your post! Throughout our time together, I lacked peace of mind because my heart and mind were telling me that he was genuine, but my gut was sending a different message. I’m sorry you got burned, too – it’s a very painful and disorientating experience. With my best wishes for a happy and peaceful life!

  343. Julian says:

    I’m 45 years old. We met when I was 19 and she was 15. I was in the Air Force, and she was in High School. Her Dad was in the Air Force and they lived on the base. It was love at 1st sight for me. The first thought in my mind when I saw her was …”I’m going to marry that girl”. On 17 January 1986, we started going out together. Last week was a real killer for me – as it was our 26th anniversary (or would have been). We made such a beautiful family, 2 gorgeous kids. My daughter is now 16 and my son is 13. We have been separated for 6 and a half years -and divorced for just over 2 years. She met a guy (claims they’re just friends), but I think otherwise. I have met a few girld over the last few months – but everytime someone gets close to me – I run! I feel like “Runaway Bride” sometimes. The girls I have met have all been very lovely. But I just feel so trapped and scared when they start to like me. I thought I was further along the road, but the other day – something happened that really hurt me so badly (still trying to recover). We had all just arrived back from overseas (weird to take a family holiday together – I know), when she was off to visit her “friend” and tell him about the holiday. Now….I know in my heart that i don’t want her back (and there hasn’t been any invitation from her side either), but that really hurt. I couldn’t understand why I was hurting so badly – even though I don’t want her back. Then the 17th January rolled around – and I never ever forget any important dates / anniversary’s etc (but i had to ignore this one). We are not together anymore – so there was no point even thinking about it. I am trying so hard to move on with my life. I am so hurt by this – I have been alone for over 6 years, and I feel like I want to meet someone. But I am scared of what I did recently (get them to like me – and then run away). I think I have hurt the feelings of some lovely ladies. I just can’t seem to “let go” of my past. I am looking all lover the internet to get advice on “how to move on – how to let go” (that’s how I ended up here). I am a very loving, honest man. I want to fall in love again. But it seems I have built up walls around myself, that won’t let me out!! My relationship with my beautiful kids has always been so amazing – and is still awesome. When I had to leave home – I left everything behind. I said they could stay in the house – keep all the furniture. All I took was my clothing. I didn’t want to disrupt the kid’s lives anymore than was neccessary. My life is very blessed in so many ways. We have a very successful business together (we don’t need to work together in the same office). My kids are healthy and as happy as can be expected. She is a great mom. I just really need to “suck it up, grow up”, and move on. Why am I struggling so much? I torture myself by thinking of her and this guy (“friend”). I am finding it really hard to get “my groove” back. We were in each others lives for 26 years. I so badly want to move on. I think I have made progress over the last year – but I guess some days are harder than others. Perhaps this last week has thrown me a bit (since I have never missed any important dates in our history together). I have read so much good advice over so many websites – why is it still so hard? And why does it still hurt?? Even though I know I do not want to go back.

  344. Fergusson says:

    Hi,

    I am glad I accidentally found this site. I am going thru some changes in my life and I havent been able to tell my family, friends and loved ones of what I am going thru. I hope you or someone out there could give me some advice to move on with my life.

    I am a gay Christian………….. Very difficult for me to admit this but … I really need some guidance about my situation. i cant tell my family or friends about the fact that i am gay.

    I was a happy single gay guy and pretty much was happy with whatever life I had.

    In 2004, I met this wonderful person at work. He is a funny, caring, attentive and religious man who likes to help people.He has one of the most influencial position in the company. However,he remained down to earth and doesnt mind befriending people with lower positions at work (people like me).I trully admired him.

    Thru different projects at work,I got to know him little by little . He was a wonderful mentor and played a major role in my career (and even spiritual) development. He was happily married with 2 kids. Life looked like a bed of roses for him (thats what I thought initially). Unfortunately, in 2007,life turned sour for him and he separated from his wife of 16 years. This really devastated him. He just burried him self with piles and piles of work. I didnt have the heart to see him going thru such hardship. I tried to help him with work as much as I could.Even that meant I had to work passed midnight to help him meet his deadlines. Tried to cheer him up and keep him company whenever I could. This process went on for 5 years and I developed a stronger bond and friendship with him and even with his family and friends. This however also fostered my special feelings for him. I fell in love with him…. He is my dearest friend. I never told him how I felt about him. he opened his family and circle of friends to me.

    I live alone in an apartment and because of that, he often asked me to join him, his family and his church acivities. I was very happy and felt he trully cared about me.

    5 years went by and finally what I had been dreading came true late last year. My dear friend finally moved on…..After 5 years of separation from his wife, He finally got divorced from his wife. He started to see someone from his church. A nice lady who is a widow. While my heart trully knows that I can never be with him, and I am glad he finally has found that true happiness he has been longing for, my heart was broken to pieces. I went to a severe depression. I always put on a happy face whenever my friend asked me to join him and his new girl friend for dinner or other activities. Told them I was very happy for them. But my heart cried cuz I felt like my friend is slipping away from me.

    I know the dynamic of my relationship with my friend has changed. He now has little time to hang out with me and I havent caught up with him properly after the new year. I am now feeling left alone an abandoned… I miss hanging out with him and I miss seeing him outside work. I am jealous of the relationship he has now…..

    I am trying to get over him by distancing myself from him. Doing other activities after work. Asking to be transfered to a different deaprtment at work and even volunteered to work out of town. But I cant seem to forget him. I cant move on… . I am making 1 step fwd of progress but somedays,i went backward 2 steps.

    I cant live, I cant function and I feel empty. I want to die and cease to exist. Help me….please…help me…. I dont want to feel like this. I dont want to love any more. I have had enough of all this……

    sorry if this long message but I am just so very desperate to talk to someone…

  345. Sarah J. says:

    broko…no kidding, you just described my exact breakup. Only difference is when he left for work (to take a job in England) I went with him for 6 months…and pretty much set up a home there with him. The plan was after 6 months back in the States, I would return to England for 2 years to live with him.(Even all of my things are still there.) I have been back in the States for 3 months…and because of his schedule and love of being so focused on work, he broke up with me! He said that he was happy after I left England because then he could really focus on work and not worry about me! Crazy thing is, we broke up in person right after New Years (he came to visit friends) and we were like a couple in love…even during the breakup. We held hands, kissed, cuddled, made love, told each other we loved each other (though he doesn’t think he’s “in love” with me anymore)….then on our 3rd day together before parting he told me that he wants use to continue to talk on Skype sometimes and see if in 3 months maybe we could make more sense together. What?! I mean, I do want him to come crawling back to me, honestly…but now I wonder if I am just setting myself up for another round of heartache in 3 months. Totally hurt!

  346. broko says:

    i was with my boyfriend for a year. at the end of the year, he didn’t see me for 3 months because he was away with work. when he came back he told me that he couldnt be with me anymore because he had too much on his plate (work wise). I waited for him for 3 WHOLE MONTHS – and then he told me that.

    we were fine the time i last saw him and i spose thats why i’ve not got over it yet. i keep thinking back to how good we were and how good we would still be if he wasn’t so busy with work. i’ve told him so many times how i feel – he just ignores it. and him ignoring it makes me wonder whether he still cares but can’t admit it cause he knows being together again would hurt us both.

    we’ve met up twice briefly as “friends” since, but we still act as we always did when we were together – we still flirted, it was as though nothing happened (except it was missing sexual things, obviously).

    I fell in love with him and i can’t let go of this. never thought i’d be in a situation like this with a guy. never fallen like this before.

    guess i just need to keep thinking that someone better must be around the corner, no matter how hard that might be to believe.

  347. Laura says:

    @Empty

    Please, please, please cut off all contact with this man. You will save yourself the agony I experienced for over a year. I was so in love with a man who was loving, sincere, attentive, became close to my teenage daughters, did all the right things. We had lots of things in common and we would talk about how we are the same person. I think you get the idea. I, too, figured out via Facebook that he had several relationships going on. He insisted they were ‘just friends’ and I bought it for a long time but the relationship changed. He refused to answer my questions about them. Suddenly a password appeared on his phone. He insisted that he wanted to marry me and was very convincing about it. I suppose I stayed because I wanted him so much and wanted to believe in him.

    One day, he got very angry at me because I made a posting on his Facebook that referred to our relationship. He unfriended me and got all of our common friends to unfriend me. Turns out, he wasn’t hiding those girls from me, he was hiding me from them. Apparently he had ‘forgotten’ to mention me to his ‘just friends’.

    You must not let him have it both ways. He is not going to make a decision as long as he thinks you will be there for him. Empower yourself. It is going to kill you for a while and you will have days when it feels like you can’t function. But you will function; and one day you will meet a man who respects you enough to not hide himself from you. Your confusion will only continue if you stay with this man. Trust me, I’ve been there and it sucks.

  348. Empty says:

    I finished with my boyfriend of five months on Tuesday because I found out he has a girlfriend in India whom he’s planning to marry some time next year. He didn’t tell me – I found out via facebook.

    I think I’m in shock because he seemed so sincere that I never expected him to hurt me like this. I feel like I need to get a grip, but I’m finding it difficult to function because he was so loving and caring to me that this has really hit me for six.

    When I confronted him, he was in tears and said he has to marry her because, before he left India, they were in a committed relationship and he’s made promises to her which he feels he cannot break, particularly as her mother really likes him! It seems that neither his father nor hers is aware of the relationship, although his mother is supportive. In the past, he mentioned to me a troublesome ex-girlfriend who was often yelling and shouting in front of his friends. It turns out that this is the person he’s planning to marry!

    He still insists that I’m the best and most compatible person he’s ever met. I’m so confused, as none of this makes sense to me. I mean, it’s not as if they’re married, and he seems to be missing me badly. Please let me know your thoughts. He will be in this country until at least the end of the year, but, as he is well qualified, he could probably stay indefinitely if he wanted to. I feel I need to cut off contact altogether, but I miss him so much that my mobile has become a real liability :). He keeps apologising to me, but this only makes me feel worse.

  349. tooinloveandtooinpain says:

    So many people with so much pain, I am also one of them but what is annoying me is that apart from some people commenting on some entries, a lot of these posts are left with no one answering and a lot of them end with please help I have been crying for days…… I want to help if I can. I am going through a horrendous time myself with my partner currently and maybe will share on this a little later but for now I am going to try and address some of the sad stories……Blindedbylove I am going to say I understand well what it is like to love someone and feel like you are sharing him and it is not fun and it hurts like hell. What you need to ask yourself is ,.. is there a chance he will leave that life and be with you? If there is a chance then it is your choice only and no one else’s if you stay and wait for that time. If you love him enough or you think what you have is strong enough to bind you together in the future or if you feel that he is your soul mate and worth waiting for then wait however if you feel that you will never be anything but a weekend love, then you should think seriously about if you are prepared to live like that. At the end of the day it is up to you and how much you love this guy. All the best and God bless.

  350. NOUSS says:

    5 years of togetherness would end up this way..I just could not bear it. I’m breaking down and going through a great depression.

    He is in the Special Mobile Force and am a graduate, that was the main issue, our educational background. We have been madly in love with each other. This relationship was just a perfect one for us, a couple really meant for each other. The way we spoke, the way we acted, listening, caring, loving, honesty, sharing,,just everything was so perfect. We could get along really well.

    But the problem was that I was more educated than him which my family were never to accept our relationship. I tried my level best to seek advice and to pacify my parents..I got no encouragement no positive feedback from them. I ended by getting beaten up by my parents. We tried to get a registered marriage, yet it was unsuccessful. I tried to make up my mind to elope with him, then I thought about my mother and all the things she would have to bear after I am gone. I just couldn’t sort this out and he did not give up. He was always there for me expecting that I will one day come to him. I started shattering, all my dreams with him started to seem so far fetch to me. In other words I could not muster the courage to go with him.

    His family started pressurizing him for marriage and I could not do anything. I still want to go to him. I just could not do anything because all I wanted was the consent of my parents for our wedding to take place. But they never ever understood where actually lies my happiness.

    Now he is with somebody else, and am left all alone with memories and tears. Am trying to come over this but am just not able to do it, its not about 1 day, 1 year but 5 years of my life! It meant all to me.

    Now am left with nothing, just sweet memories that always pinches me trying to say that I did not act wisely when it was time for me to take the most important decision of my life and choose my happiness.

    I lost him forever.:'(

  351. Jacelyn says:

    Maybe you can try telling her how you feel. I fell in love with my friend a long time back. When we were alone I could really be honest with him and the time we spent together was splendid. But I had to act as if he was my friend in front of others as I am not sure if he likes me to cross the line and he has never said he loves me or wants me to be his girlfriend. Sometimes, I feel he is leading me on as well because he does not want to hurt me. I felt we have drifted apart now and letting go of him is not easy.

  352. Sarah says:

    So I’ve never blogged before…but my NOW “ex-boyfriend” (we were seeing each other…don’t really know what that label means), just told me tonight he’s been talking to another girl and will be going on a date with her…I also went to the doctor’s recently and may have gotten an STD from him. I feel hopeless, and confused beyond belief. I constantly think about boys, but I always seem to get involved with the bad ones. What do I do? How can I get him out of my life for good, and how can I stop from getting hurt?

  353. heartbroken says:

    Hey all! I’m so happy that I click on this site. I can so relate to all of you as I’m experiencing this as well. I can’t wait to feel good again and to stop crying over this guy.

    Honestly, I’m an NBSB girl, so when this guy finally showed interest and we started dating. I was so excited and read all the rules so that I will not do something crazy that might scare him. No, he didn’t call me or sms me to say hi or how’s my day. It is mostly by email, so as the date invitations. We would just communicate by phone on the day that we are going out. After almost 6 months, I talked to him about us and he said he is not sure how he can have a relationship in a foreign land ( he is from another country by the way) and then he said sorry. Of course I felt so sad, I cried. after about 2 weeks, we started going out again, even became closer. So I thought maybe he changed his mind. So all was well, better, I was hopeful. He even started giving me stuff. One day we went on a day trip somewhere. On the way home on the bus, I took the initiative to hold his hand. He then started to say “This is ok, just don’t expect more. I like you, nothing more than that”. I was just so shocked with his reply. It wasn’t what I was expecting. I know we were doing well, so I had the courage to hold his hand. I ask him what should we do, he said we can go on like that or stop.

    Anyway, I decided to stop because I thought if it’s not gonna go anywhere then why should I continue with it. I want a real relationship. But now, that decision makes me feel like “is it right or wrong, maybe I should wait or what”. He still communicates with me just to say hi and ask how I am. Every time he does this, it hurts me and confuses me. Makes me wonder if maybe there is still hope. But it’s been 6 months after that holding hands incident and he still hasn’t said anything about changing his mind. So I know i should really forget about him.

    My question: Clearly I know that our relationship will never be a bf/gf thing , but every time he tries to get in touch I start to be all hopeful again. Why does he do this? What should I do when he does this and I feel hopeful again? Should I just be rude and ignore him. What should I do?

    Sorry for this long message. I really need help. I’ve been crying for days now.

    Thanks for reading.

  354. SB says:

    I know he is my gud friend… at least i think he is! I have developed feelings for him, and now I don’t know how 2 “take back my love” because, I came 2 knw he thinks me to be his sister. I don’t ever expect anything from him, just hope this “friendship” stays on forever…..

  355. Josh Smith says:

    Me and my best friend recently have had quite a bit of sexual attraction towards each other and that eventually led to me catching feelings for her. when ever its just me and her i can tell she feels the same, or is just leading me on, but when other people are about were just “best friends”. Her being honest is one thing i can understand but i cant take her leading me on by flirting and the different attitude towards me when were alone…. what should i do

  356. blindedByLove says:

    Hi, I jst recently found out dat my boyfriend of 5months, has a woman who he engaged to marry and a son of 4mnths. Well he told me he had a galfriend and thngs were not working out and he want to leave her.but now my problem is that I luv him so much, last tym I was @ his place there was pictures of his fiance in and her clothes filled the wardrobe. And nw the gal found out about us and she sends me smses telling me to break up with her man. When I tell him he says she wants him back, I only c him weekends only. Everything between us is fine. I’m confused please help me, must I stay in this relationship or not.

  357. SKYSTHELIMIT says:

    Hi Choco: Thank You for your kind and supportive advice. I started to question whether I over reacted cutting all ties. I just hope I can look back on this experience in a year and not have any feelings towards it. I have some great friends and family that have kept me busy and I feel like I’ve come such a long way from how I was at the beginning.

    Setbacks still exist: I saw him a few months ago (he didn’t see me) but I noticed him instantly. My feelings run deep for him and it is hard coming to the understanding that I’ll never talk to him again.

    Your right I should and will seek out even more opportunities, facing my undetermined future with a smile

  358. Choco says:

    Hey Skysthelimit:

    I have read through your writing, and I could feel how painful it was to be in your situation.
    The only thing I would say to you is: let him go, he doesn’t deserve you. I know it’s easy to say, still I’m sure you can do it. That man is messed up. He doesn’t know what he wants. You don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t know what he wants, and you already know that he would cheat on you, then why keep dragging on, and hurting yourself?

    Open yourself up for more opportunity. There are thousand possibilities that you can find out there, and I’m sure you’ll find someone that is perfect for you, not that man.

    Regards,

  359. Moonshine says:

    @ Michellemlova

    Would love to talk with you. I myself find it hard to find people who really understand me. How can we contact? Do you have an emailadress?

  360. SKYSTHELIMIT says:

    I had to leave him. We were on and off for around 4 years. Best Friends to lovers to him disappearing for weeks on end. He asked me on two occasions to be his girlfriend but I knew him> the novelty would of worn off and he would cheat on me like the other girls he has mistreated in the past. With one of the women refusing him access to his child for a few years now. So I kept my guard up waiting for a genuine sign that his intentions were sincere. I finally sent a letter of sorts to tell I could no longer see him. I felt like I wasn’t able to date freely like he was without separating myself from him.

    It has been well over 7 months since I’ve spoken to him. His attempts of communication have been managed with no reply. He called a handful amount of times and sent a one word email. Life is less stressful, I’m happy most days and I’m doing a lot of the hobbies I neglected while obsessing over his whereabouts. He must have sensed I was anxious in getting involved and hurt by him- why didn’t he try and get rid of the doubt by being an open and honest man when I asked for the truth. I’m naturally a trusting person with men, I’ve had in the past only two relationships lasting a few years each and they ended amicable. No trust issues we just as people just grew apart.

    But my gut refused me to settle around him, it was so bad I felt wary introducing him to friends and family in case they saw him with another woman in my area. It was the constant lying and sneaking about. He would say out of nowhere without any prompt he never wanted to compliment me in case I got a huge ego, He has been on dates with other women, slept with a few I assume. The only thing he ever admitted to me was that he liked another woman at the same time as me and he like us the same. He went on holiday with one all of the rest I found out was from Facebook. There was no indication as to what his future was and what he wanted from me. We probably would have had a chance perhaps to be distance friends if he had been honest (after plenty of time apart)

    It was the weirdest situation I have ever been in. I was so use to be being treated respectfully by men I would see, it surprised me when he stopped all that. We were like best friends before then we just stopped communicating properly during last year. One day he’d be so loving saying time spent together was precious and it wasn’t lust he felt, pushing to go on holidays, discussing my family then especially early in the morning, he would be so moody I felt like I was always treading on eggshells. He’d promise to take me out for the day but would sleep most of the day away.

    There’s still this dull ache when something reminds me of him and but he comes into my mind less and less everyday.

    But he caused so much pain because he was not straightforward with the truth or his intentions that I can’t go back to any form of friendship

    That pain I still feel within my body when I think about him makes me stay away from him- I hope I never see or hear from him again.

    I don’t ever want to police a man I want to be because his loyalty to his relationship should be on his conscious. He’ll be held accountable for his actions & I for mine. He found himself in too many situations & didn’t always resist, needless to say I sent him back out into the world to deal with those women that he deemed more important than trying to build a relationship with me.

    I lost him but I gained myself back : D

  361. jen says:

    hey my name is jen and id like to share my story bcuz is really complicate and i dont have anyone to talk about it. well here it goes i meet a guy in the internet and i had been talking to him for 3 years till we decided to go out and meet later he live 30mins away from me but he never really took the time to meet me and all and i was getting tired of it. during the summer of 2009 i reconect with a high school friend tht i meet during my last year and we decided to hang out and we went to the amusement park he call it a date i called it hanging out and i didnt went alone cuz i was really shy so i tag a cousin along with me we ride a few rides then went to the water park i was really nervous he wouldnt stop staring at me and at the end he tried to kiss me i didnt let him after tht day we kept hanging out at my place his place going to places like friend but then he started to like till one day he tells me he loves me but i didnt like him after a while i did cuz we started kissing and after tht just naturally we had sex and he was my first time and we kept on like tht for a whole summer but i was still talking to the other guy and i was in love with this other guy thought i was but he didnt care who i was talking to bcuz he was conviced tht he was gonna steal my heart he actually did but he was going away cuz he was enrolled in the air force so i broke his heart and told him i didnt wanted to see him or hear from him or anything cuz i wanted to be with the lets call him internet guy but this guy still promises to meet and never does so i had to do something and i meet him where he works at he wasnt the guy he says to be or to be the age he was but i stayed with him big mistake cuz he never really did anything to make things right but the other guy he left to the air force and he sent me letters and i missed him so much bcuz the time we spent was the best summer of my life and we stopped talking cuz my bf find out he had a thing for me my bf got really jealous and i had to stop talking then one day i added him back to my profile my bf made a big deal so once again he was out of my life he been in and out 3 times and the 4th one was tragic one cuz i was gonna leave my bf for him but then i couldnt do it and he was tired of me not growing up as he says and make a desicion so now im stuck with my bf and relationship still horrible getting married in a couple of months and im really trying to be happy but im really truly not bcuz i dont really love him but i couldnt leave him but i do really miss and want to be with the other guy he gets me and understands me, hes my all and my everything and ill always love him but i cant be with him anymore and its really hard

  362. Laura says:

    I can relate….I am with a guy who claims he is in love with me and wants to spend his life with me. Yet he continues relationships with women he met before me and leads them to believe he is in love with them. He tells me it’s none of my business. I disagree because I need to make informed choices. He says those women are ‘just friends’. The treatment of one of them is disgraceful…the one he slept with. She is crazy about him and he never sees her because she’s out of state. But he tells her in text messages that she’s beautiful, that she makes him feel special.He’s a player, right?

  363. Sad cow says:

    I was introduced by friends to a guy recently slit from wife. His friends said it was def over, he introduced me to his family, patents,his wife sister ect.all said him & wife was over.the worse thing is I intally was with him coz I felt sorry for him. I said I would be with him whilest he worked out what he wanted in life. He begged me to be with him, toldmy friends, family he knew what he wanted & that was me. He discussed with my parents why his marriage was no longer working & told them he wanted me to be with him. Everyone we came into contact with stated how much we looked so loved . Took me on holiday , what started as a sympathy sex turned into love for him from me. He told his wife about me & she said she was ok with me. He ask me to marry him I said it was too soon, he asked me live with him & I agreed. The day we were to look for a place together he got his wife to text me to leave him alone, he told her I was storking him. I never did & never would, he did all the chasing. I’m 40 & manage to stay away from love &was happy to do so . He used to begg me to give him a chance & let him love me& lovehim back. I dont understand after a year together and the begging me and my people to give him a chance would he dump me the way he did. I used to tell him he should go back to his wife as they had been married for over 20 years b for I started to take him seriously. I could handle the change of heart him going back to her but I don’t understand why He did it the way he did, no conversation with me at all. He said I was a beautiful person inside & out & I no I am , but why did he want to give me the pain ? Their was no closure, no goodbyes . I don’t understand after 9montjs I can’t stop crying, I have a good career, great friends, help I feel like I’m struggling to keep going.

  364. Michellemlova says:

    MOONSHINE!

    I read your story & it’s the first time I know someone who’s story is similar to mine! It’s so hard to talk to anyone about it cuz I have never met anyone who was in my situation. I would love to talk to you more about it cuz Im going thru something similar!

  365. Isabella says:

    Hey everybody!

    So i guess everybodys sharing and i feel like sharing aswell so..
    i was in this relationship for lets say a year.. it just ended, i’m talking about 2 ore 3 days ago. i dont quite understand what he has done to me. but i never ever felt this insecure about a guy. in the beginnen AND the ending he really was the sweatest he did everything for me, wanted to see me everyday. allways askes for my opinion on things. wanted to meet his parents (to) fast! wants me to take him shopping for his new clothes. wanted kme to move in with him! no thnx!! go on go on. really it seemed like he was really in love with me. he was actually the one who asked for a relationship and it took a while for me to say yes. anyways. we were fighting more and more. and when we fight it’s like two enemys really. i just couldn’t believe what came out of his mouth. whell the fights allways where on whatsapp ore BBM. eventhough it was like he had two sides. but i could live with that though i’m a big girl. i’ll win the fight anyways. later on we where fighting because he became jelous about stupid things. and when i caugth him on something he always uses it against me. really mean not falling for that anymore though”he knows”. but later in our relationship i checked his facebook”we had eachothers passwords” and really it felt like my heart jumped out of my chest. he forgot to delete i guess. but he was flirting with sooo many girls. ugly girls that’s what i was most shocked about. because he know i can get better than him. i found out and i emediately broke up with him. he started trying to turn the roles around. ass if i was being mean. didn’t fell for it. then we spoke again for a while. but i didn’t want him back. he started saying he wanted to make an end out of his life and weird stuff like that. he used drugs one night and whatsapped me that he was in pain as sif he did something to himself. i really didn’t recognise him anymore. than months later we were back together but i just could’nt trust him anymore i flipped about everything. and really thats not me. and i dont like me like that. he’s not worth it anyway right? now it was being an on and off thing. i constanly broke up with him and on and of and on. thats not good! hahah. now he’s trying to make me jealous with other woman. which i cant believe sinds he was the one hurting me. not the other way around. but i gave up though this wousn’t gonna work anymore to much glass! but i’m trippin! because eventhough everything that happened and all the crazy weird stuff he did. i did loved him allot. what hurts me the most is the thought of him with another woman. i couldn’t bare that. i hate him for what he did to me after everything i did for him. everytime we got back together and i found out about something. he always lied eventhough i knew the answer weeks before i asked. he rather act his stuff out and lose me than to be hounest for once and keep me. that’s whats happening right now. 2 days ago he lied to me again about contacting other woman on facebook. he said that they were just strangers checking his profle constantly… pff as if he had fans. it’s pathetic! but i knew weeks before i asked that they where in contact in the period we broke up. i guess what i’m asking is. do you guys think he really loved me? why do you guys think he lies like a monkey. why does he feel the need to contact other woman. and last but not least how do i let this heart acing love go?

    With Love!
    Isabella xxxx

  366. Joy says:

    To Emily,

    I have been where you are. Almost the exact situation….
    I felt like I would never feel better, nothing in my life ever hurt as much as that did.
    But now I am strong, I was able to move on.

    Let this guy go off to college, the sooner he is out of your life, the better!
    It’s the constant seeing him all if the time that is really making things bad for you,
    The old saying is true…out of site, out of mind.

    In the meantime, do things for YOURSELF, to strengthen you!
    Read books you love (I recommend sense and sensibility).
    Learn something new that you can throw yourself into (like teaching yourself
    to crochet by watching YouTube crochet tutorials)

    My biggest piece of advice….and this one is hard. REALLY HARD! Ignore him, don’t say things
    about him to your friends, don’t call him, don’t Facebook him OR Facebook about him, when you have to
    be around him, smile and laugh and act as if he did not break your heart it effect you in any way!
    If you have to talk to him, talk as though you were never in a relationship, the way you would talk to your brother
    if he were the team captain. This, I promise you, will all drive him completely insane!

    Good luck, stay strong!

  367. Moonshine says:

    Hi Beautiful Love,

    He should have told you about his engagement the minute you two met eachother for the first time. And not afther the whole wedding ceremony was completed. I think that was very stupid of him, if he truly loved you he shouldn’t care about family involvement and shouldn’t continue with the wedding ceremony.

    And now – let’s be honest – you’re having an affair with a married man. I think you should stop with that. He chose to marry another girl (ok he might not love her as much as he loves you) but still…… he’s married. If he truly cares about you he will end the marriage and come back with you.

    Now you’re just the ‘other woman’. I truly understand how you feel, but I think you’re not in a healthy relationship now.

  368. emily says:

    hi everyone! im emily, im fifteen year old & my ex bf is jeff and he is seventeen. we dated for 11 months & he just broke up with me 3 months ago. i just feel so alone & i know im heading for depression, and the thing that sucks is that he is the captain of the swimming team at my school & im on the swim team. & everytime we have stuff for the swim team likes parties & what not im always just sitting there watching him talk to everyone else on the team besides me. & it doesnt help that the whole guys team calls me a slut, whore, hoe & skank. and i cry myself to sleep every night cause i just want to be with him & i dont know to do cause all the girls on the team want me to get over him but i cant cause im in love with him & he is going off to collage soon after he graduates & i honestly dont know what im going to do & i want to tell him i love him but he nevers wants to talk or anything. so please help!

  369. :( says:

    Hey , I need help! My boyfriend went away for college a week ago. We have known each other for 3 years and now all of a sudden he doesn’t call me or email me. Everything seems like a formality now.I don’t know what to do? I can’t let go of him. I seem to be getting depression! I belong from a very very conservative Country, society, family whatever , i trusted him and did it with him. Now i feel pathetic!!! There’s no way out! I can’t seem to talk to my best friend about it because we haven’t been in good terms lately. i feel alone!

  370. SunnySideUp says:

    Hey all!
    I just needed to let this out to anyone who is willing to listen. I fell deep for this guy that I thought I could help and change for the better. It was classic case scenario where the girl believed she could save the man. I was wrong and although I’ve taught myself to never give up on a hopless case, some things just aren’t worth it in the end. I guess I was trying to fool myself into believing that something more could turn out of the non exsisting relationship but boy was I wrong again. I came to face the truth that not everything happens like the movies and not everything has an answer. Better to not doubt why he doesn’t like me for all the great things I am but just move on to find someone else who will appreciate me for all the things I can bring to the table. I want to look back ten years from now and laugh because I know he’ll realized what he lost and then, it’ll be too late. When I play the love game, I put all my cards on the table but I think it’s time I hide my ace in the hole. I need to only control what I can control because that’s the secret to moving on.

  371. Beautiful Love says:

    Hi,

    I’m a divorcee with one child. I’m in a relationship with this man for about 6 months. We hv built up a beautiful relationship for the first 5 months. Both of us love this relationship so much.

    Thereafter, one issue came in, he don’t know how to tell me that he is actually engaged to another girl before he falls on me. He tells me why is it so late for him to know me.
    As he is engaged, he has to marry the girl due family involvement and all the arrangement has been done for them. He proceed with the wedding. He told me about his marriage after the wedding ceremony completed.

    I cried and cried non stop when I heard the news. It’s so difficult for me to accept the fact that he is married now. No doubt, I love him so much and he loves me as well. We have been in a good relationship all this while. We always have discussion and we do communicate well.

    How to leave someone you love when you have a great relationship with him?
    Therefore, we still continue with this relationship but I know I have to solve this issue.
    As for now, I really don’t know how to come out from this relationship because I still love him so much and he feels the same as well.
    We try to find a solution and plan to be together.

    My question:
    Should I leave him and blessed both of them?
    Should I fight for my own happiness?
    If I don’t fight, I might regretted one day that I have let go someone I truly love and he do love me in return.
    What should I do?
    I need opinions from you all.. tq

  372. Lee says:

    I know how people fill I lost my gf and my 3 month old son never again will I see them it’s bean 6 months now and yer it’s getting better slowly but getting there if I can do it so can everyone else I think we all should talk to each other and listen and help I would like that if you want to talk just say this is for lee hope I help am 25 male yes it is going to hurt and days were you don’t want to eat but one thing where theses a will there’s always away

  373. Sharon says:

    Hi All
    I recently had a falling out with an ex. We have know each other for over 20 years. He stopped communicating with me in October. Since then I have reached out to him on several occassions with absolutely no respond. I was hurt and my heart was broken. I came across the website and I have read the postings by others everyday. Knowing that other people are experiencing something similiar to my situation and that others were hurting, have made me stronger. I do not have the desire to call or text him anymore and I am more focused on my life and accomplishing my goals. I feel no animosity towards him and still think of him at times. I have realized that I cannot control the decisions he makes. This site have really helped through this situation and time does heal all pain. I am learning to love me and I day by day, I am getting better at it. I AM NOW EMPOWERED WITH A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF WHO I AM.

  374. paula says:

    ever fell in love with a man that was married?? welcome to my life! im 18 years old and met the man of my life september 29 2011 . not long but man we had some great time along with some diffacult issuse. i never knew that a man could make you feel so wanted and needed .. his wife cheated on him 6 years ago and got pregnat by the different man but had an abortion. he could never forgive her. he stayed for his children . then he met me and said i changed his life completely but now he cant leave because for the past 16 years so much has built up that if he left her he couldnt provide for me !! im torn because i cant go on seeing him because being a part time girlfriend just aint my thing its the hardest thing i think i have done i really need some one to tell me how do i move on.. please i need feedback im desperate im in love with a 36 year old man that loves me back but i cant have him.. anybody else in my shoes??

  375. Moonshine says:

    Hello everyone, I am 23 now and my exboyfriend broke up with me 4 years ago when I was 19. His reason was that we had to many arguments. He is very stubborn and I’m also very stubborn. He always wanted to get his way and I always wanted to get my way. But we did love eachother a lot and when he broke up with me, I thought he would come back after 2 or 3 months. Because his love for me was indescribable. But he didn’t…. instead he found a rebound girl. I was devastated, confused, sad, couldn’t eat, sleep or get out of bed. I started with university that year, but I almost failed every exam. So I stopped studying. I totally lost my focus on everything. I even was so desperate on getting him back that I did something really stupid, I tried to ruin his relationship with his new girl, by spreading lies about her. I still think that was the most stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life and I still regret it. But then again…when u’re desperate you do crazy things.

    Before I met him, I always used to be a happy girl who made others laugh. I used have fun with friends, dance and enjoy life. But after the break up I totally became a different person. I couldn’t smile, was sad and sometimes when I was walking down the streets, I secretly hoped that I would get hit by a car to end my pain. I was to cowardly to end it myself. It was such a pain for me to realize he could move on with his life so easily and that I was still stuck in the past. The 1st year was horrible, the 2nd year wasn’t getting much better. He was happy with another girl & I was still alone.

    I decided to change my life completely, so I went to India for a couple of months to do some volunteering in a shelter and slowly I rebuild myself. After my trip to India I slowly became the girl I used to be, I was enjoying life again, slowly by slowly and my wounds were healing. I realized, that I waisted my time thinking and crying about him. But then this happends…… my ex send me an email a week after I got back from India asking me how I was doing and that he wants to meet up to have a chat. I was in shock, almost 2,5 years I haven’t heard from him and suddenly he sends me a message asking if I’m okay & wants to see me? This was in august 2010.

    I must admit, I was tempted… after long thinking I decided to accept his invitation, so we had a drink. I still had so many questions that needed to be answered. The reason he wanted to see me was to ask my forgiveness he said. He felt guilty all those years and couldn’t continue with his life knowing there’s someone hating him. I told him that I forgive him for everything. I just want him to be happy and I have to accept that I am not the one for him. We both moved on with our lives.

    Now 1,5 years later he contacts me again. He remembered that I study Law and wanted some legal advice. I helped him. Again we met up to have a drink.

    Now, couple of days later… I can’t stop thinking about him and the life we could had. I thought my wounds were healed, but they are slowly opening again. Maybe this is becaus I still didn’t find the love of my life and never had another relationship. I don’t know, I just hate myself for being so weak again. I phoned him last night and told him how I felt. I told him that I still want to try to make it work. He said: he doesn’t know yet, he’s not ready. Now I asking him this question, because now he knows I still want to be with him. I am realizing that I am giving him power and I don’t want that. Why am I weak when it comes to him? It has been 4 years since we split up. Maybe I just need to find a new boyfriend so I can totally forget my ex.

  376. blindedByLove says:

    Hi, I jst recently found out dat my boyfriend of 5months, has a woman who he engaged to marry and a son of 4mnths. Well he told me he had a galfriend and thngs were not working out and he want to leave her.but now my problem is that I luv him so much, last tym I was @ his place there was pictures of his fiance in and her clothes filled the wardrobe. And nw the gal found out about us and she sends me smses telling me to break up with her man. When I tell him he says she wants him back, I only c him weekends only. Everything between us is fine. I’m confused please help me, must I stay in this relationship or not.

  377. Jude says:

    Hey everyone,
    I want you all to know it gets better! You just have to give it time and realise your own worth and how amazing you really are!! You have to love and respect yourself first and when you do love from another won’t be far behind.

    We all go through something like this at one or more points in our life, but we cannot control another, you have to let them lead their own path. You are learning to be more compassionate from this experience and think of this: Do you want to spend the years pining for someone who can’t see your true amazing worth or do you want to spend that time caring for, loving yourself and healing yourself.

    Most people do not treat the other badly to hurt that persons feelings, they are protecting themselves from being hurt, Most human behavior is based on past hurt and ways of protecting yourself from further hurt.

    Most of you are already loved by someone, a friend, a family member or a lover. Appreciate what you have and know in your heart, life is amazing and pain is only temporary.

    Two books that helped me understand myself and others: ‘The power of negative thinking’ by Tony Humphreys and ‘The power of now’ by eckhart tolle although this book can be quite confusing and hard to understand at first stick with it. One lesson it taught me is to not fight the feelings we have, to accept them and feel them because everytime you truly feel them the are released a little bit at a time.

    I hope you all find what you are looking for, but look within first.

  378. Three years on says:

    My relationship ended two and half years ago with a guy I truly loved. Our relationship ended because of his mental issues which I tried so hard to fix… I realized after 6 months that anything I said or did was always wrong and would never make him happy. It got to the point were I was worn down and he was literally trying to control my life due to his paranoid issues… I knew I had to leave him before he destroyed my life and soul completely.. One moment I could see the person I fell in love with pleading and crying for me not to go.. wanting to marry me and settle down… then the next an insanely jealous guy with the darkest eyes would appear threatening my job, home, family and his own life if I leaved.. Always saying I never loved him when really I loved him with everything ounce I could give…
    Anyway it ended messy but finally I left him after one year… It took me a good two years of being single and rebuilding my life, career and family/friends. It feels like I had to make the sacrifice to be happy in all these areas… I know it was the best and right thing to do…. Only problem is.. two and half years later I’m still single and now find it hard to let anyone get close to me. My life is complete yet my heart still feels broken… I seen him tonight for the first time in two and half years… he had gained so much weight… makes me wonder if he finally got help or his disorders and the medication contributed to the gain… Also opened up an old wound.. now I can’t get him out of my head. Sucks how life can cheat us in love… Only way is to keep going forward, hope I can forget him for a little while yet again and pray oneday God will send me someone who is patient enough to understand me and show them how much love I really can give…. Maybe oneday xxxx

  379. Lover says:

    Hi Ijust broke up with my loved one today. I do not wht happen worng with our realtionship. Everythink just ruined in my life today. I am completly fed up with my life. I dont know wht i will do and where i will go. My big fault is tht i love a rich girl and i m belong from the midle class faimly.I dont why she told me after 2 and half year that you will not able to become of part of my life becuase my brother do not like. why she had done this thing with. When she leave alone that i m everythink for her but now she is living with thier faimly memebers and now she said your not elligible at all.

    GOD please accept my pray please do not give us a heart so that at least we will live happily.

    Regards

  380. laura says:

    Annah,

    You have your proof and your conscious is even telling you he is guilty. You said he was sleeping out on weekends and the proof was on the bed. The problem is the relationship is already broken and he probably will do it again. He’s not a man yet. A real man would be there for you when you are pregnant and not hang out with his woman friend on the weekend. Get the love and support from your real friends and family and the only support you get from him should be money for child support. There is a man out there that will love you and not cheat on you. Don’t waste your time with a cheater. Trust me. Good luck my dear.

  381. hope says:

    Hello everybody. I badly need ur help. I’ve loved my boyfriend 5 months now. I ‘ve respected our love and tried to protect it in all ways. i still love him though 2 days ago I was shochek when i read msgs in his mobile phone from a girl telling him that she loves him and misses him so much . I picked up his mobile by chance while we were having breakfast. He didn’t pay attention to me.I read two msgs where as i told you before a girl from his family wrote him that she loves him so much and wishes he was beside her…I was shochek didn’t know what to do . I took my bag and went out of the cafe not knowing what to do or where to go. I kept walking then he followed me and denied anything between him and her. He told me that he loves me so much and never ever cheated on me. I went mad and started showting and crying . I really felt so bad . He kept talking and talking i let him and went though the road not payning attention and saddenly i felt my right foot acking then i realized that a car passed on my foot quickly. He took me to the hospital i was in a terrible situation . fortunatly, my foot was fine wasn’t broken. He was with me all the time apologising and taking care of me. I don’t know what to do after this. I still love him but at the same time i can t forget those msgs. He swore that he has nothing to do with that girl and that she is the one who calls and send msgs and he always doesn’t reply . What drives me crazy is that at the same time he told me that i didn’t have the right to take his mobile and search…coz he does’t like this and he is telling me that i shouldn’t have shouted and insulted him . I don’t know what to do.I’m really tired of thinking .I don t sleep well and I don t eat well. plz show me a way to follow to stop this disorder.

  382. Footstepsindessert says:

    Hi to everyone. Im feeling down this past few days. it all started this new year and its so sad to start a year with a heartpain. I have a frien whose became so special to me because she helped me to move on with my previous failed relationship with a girl, well im also a girl. She tells me everything she know, she comfort me and i can feel that she is sincere about taking care and loving me. From the start she know what will happen because my ex-girlfriend/bestfriend and me are her common friend but she met my ex-girlfriend/bestfriend ahead of me because i was just inroduced to her by my bestfriend. it all happen so fast, we went out 2 to go to her previous office to deliver a gift since she cannot make it to attend the event. i accompany her, we were very happy and i dont have anything in mind except being happy with the person beside me. after that we went home early dawn and we are both sleepy but i noticed that is not as lively when we first go there. i remember we saw someone close to her and to my ex-girlfriend/bestfriend and i saw that person feeling uneasy seeing me. i dunno why. and so, we got home 2 safe. she texted me she’s home but on the following day, i was upset cause i cant feel her presence. then i received a text message from her that she can’t see me for a little while because she was accused of being a 3rd party by someone and that person is the feeling uneasy to me. i dont know she really gets affected, there’s nothing wrong being just friends. it gotten worst when she ask me that she needed space from everybody including me. and up until now i lost contact with her. i really dont know why she’s like that. she helped me to move on perfectly and now she leaves me helplessly coping on with another heartpain. why is that? i love the people around me. and i told her from the start if she doesnt want complications she can leave me behind while im not yet totally attached to her but then she chose to stay with me. :(.

  383. sandra` says:

    I had been having serious relationship problems with my husband and it
    had resulted in him moving out.Everything got worse,he
    started going to strip clubs frequently,getting drunk and passing
    out..Sometimes when we talked on phone,he would threaten me,he was just
    not himself and our children were suffering for all the drama. I
    really love him and we had been married for 15yrs which gave us three
    beautiful daughters..I had also lost a lost on therapists and
    spell-casters..I was in debt and I felt my world
    crumbling..I was introduced to a spell caster by a friend who he
    helped with the same thing and I thought it was just a scam all over
    again but this time it was different..I did all he asked me to and
    after a week,my husband called and now we are back together,he has a
    job and has been sober since and am also out of debt..Its a miracle I
    never believed was possible,I had lost all hope until I found him..He
    works and if you have the same problem I did,he is the solution:
    odonmark11[at] gmail. {Dot} com…

  384. Cory says:

    Im 30 years old and broke up with the love of my life about 2 and a half years ago. I went through allot of stuff with her even though we were together less than six months, it was love at first sight for both of us. We hit it off great, then all the sudden i went to jail the day before i was gonna ask her to marry me, found out that night she went drinking with this guy i always had a feeling about, really upset me. After that i didnt talk to her for awhile then last january she left notes on my car saying ”call me please” with hearts on it. I was shocked and soo happy but i didnt think much about it cause she was drunk (like usual) . We had talked for awhile when she started saying i cant talk to you anymore, then a week or two later she would text me and act as if everything was fine, this happened a couple of times, then just recently i found out that she is moving in with her new boyfriend and she is pregnant but had asked my roomate to tell me cause she dosent want to text me anymore and she said i would get all depressed and stuff, (well of course im gonna be depressed) What do i do, i cant have her but yet im still so in love with her, its so bad i cant sleep eat or go to work as a normal person, ahhh she is always in my head. How do i fall out of love with her. Someone please help, im goin kinda crazy!

  385. Isabel says:

    To those who think that the pain will last forever it will not. I was with a man for 2 1/2 half years. I did everything, including support him, yes a mistake I will never do again. I had a child with him. He had asked me to marry him but he ended up walking out on me and my child. He said he didn’t love me nor did he want to be with me. I had nothing to do but accept it. He came back around out of the blue 5 months after he left. He said he wanted to see my daughter. It seemed as though he regretted his decision and little by little we worked on reconciliation. I took this slow and we once discussed marriage but he then decided to cut me off once again. I couldn’t believe that he did that AGAIN, lol. Well, as I did some soul searching I realized that it was time for me to move on and keep going. He doesn’t bother to check up on his child but that’s okay. I can’t hold onto someone who doesn’t love me enough to give me the same respect I give him. As hard as it was it was time for me to move on and keep going. I’ve learned of my self worth and know that God is good. Somewhere out there someone will love me as much as I love him…Keep your head up and your heart open love will find you when you least expect it…belleec@aol.com is my address if you just want to talk…

  386. another broken heart says:

    Im 21 and i broke up with her about 8 months ago. We were togethe for about 4 years, ever since highschool. I really thought i was going to marry the girl, even thought of the cutest way to propose, but i guess i have to save that for someone thats real special or maybe for her but in another lifetime. I’ve always thought that breaking up was the hardest thing to do, but i realize that it’s the moving on part that’s even harder. I know she’s probably forgot about all our memories we had because she’s now creating new ones with someone else. But as long as shes happy i have to accept it. As i start on my career and meeting new people, i realize that i not only miss her but i miss her family also. I found out that i’ve grown to be fond of them. I haven’t spoken to her ever since we’ve broken up, but maybe it’s for the best. Everynight i despise my dreams greatly, because every single night the lingering of us being together is in it, i see it as a nightmare infact waking up to realize that its just a dream. I do hope the best for her though, and that maybe later down the line we can be friends again because at one point she was the only bestfriend i ever had. Maybe in another lifetime i can finally pop her the question, because i missed it in this one.

  387. Africa says:

    I’m a 24 year old female who can’t get over the only guy I ever loved.
    My ex and I met in high school when we were 17 at the time.
    We dated for 2,5 years and it was amazing, he was my first on so many things.
    However I realized with time we would never be a normal couple because of our
    different backgrounds. He was a Christain and I a Muslim even though he told so
    many times he would chose me in the end he didn’t. To be honest I don’t blame
    him because to me family means every thing aswell. We broke up in 2006 and the
    first thing I did was distance myself from him. It worked but the feelings remained
    and I guess for him too cause he asked about me. I decided not to contact him until
    I was strong enough and when I called him for the first time he wasn’t happy either.
    This is when I realized I hurt him too even though I thought I was doing the right thing.
    I never in million years thought I could hurt him because I told myself over and over again he has moved on. But he wasn’t he didn’t date any one after me. We been talking
    over a year now and he wants to meet me but I’m affraid to get hurt again. I don’t know what to do!!! Do I believe him and give him a chance or finally move on him?
    I know my feelings for him are real but how can I know he serious too?

  388. jane says:

    I needed to read this. it is all true but not easy. I opened my heart to a person that I knew and reconnected with. He came back into my life when I was already down in life. I opened myself up and gave my all to him, his 3 kids, and family. it was a lot to invest and. now he left me with a bye. I guess I pushed him out with wantingto be loved like I love. I made mistakes but I took some hardship. now I have to move on. it hurts but i will make it alone. I will read this a few times.

  389. Sean says:

    @John

    I know exactly how you feel. I too used to date someone and we never became official. Today I can slowly feel her slipping away from me. Her feelings for me are not there anymore, while mine are as strong as they’ve ever been. And what’s worse is now I can feel her slipping through my fingers as a friend too, I think it’s only a matter of time before she’s out of my life completely, and that hurts like hell.

    I almost want to let her go as well, just so that nothing happens to damage our friendship or anything else permanently. But I know how hard it can be to let someone who feels so perfect for you go. I wish you all the luck in the world, and truly hope you find a way to make it work.

  390. Pia says:

    Well I broke up with this guy about 4 months ago but I dont know why im still holding onto it. We broke up because he was very disrespectful towards my mother and I. It never stopped I told him upfront he has changed before we settled down in that relationship. I ignored what i said and just dated him, but in doing so it got ugly real fast. I love him to be honest, i love him a lot. But now he straight up dropped me for another girl just for sex. I didnt understand what happen, because he was just kissing and hugging me one day and then told me his feelings are slowly going away for me the next. I didnt speak to him for a day and after he told me that he came to the next day trying to be friendly. I yelled at him for it because he completely played with my feelings. And every time I asked how does he feel about us he would say I dont know. I dont know what to feel, when he turned around and to my friend how he felt. I dont understand why im holding onto him he changed on me my best friend. But now he seeing someone and im trying to ignore it but I miss my best friend.

  391. Can't stop thinking about her says:

    Hi, This is my first ever time sharing on a post such at this, just after adivce

    I have split with my first girlfriend and 1st true love or almost 6 years a month ago…..I had always thought this day would come but now that it has i feel so alone and lost in life….I am 24yr old male and most my adult life has been with her……Now that it is over i cant stop thinking of all the stupid things i didnt do, im very shy and reserved person, tend to do a lot of listening rather than the talking…certainly never shared my feelings with anyone, everyone thought we were perfect couple, never had fights or argued..both just bottled it all up and eventually that has built and built till now….She is an amazing beautifull person and right from the start i never new why she picked me, im skinny shy person and she looks like a model with the great personality…the first 3 years were amazing and then after that out intimacy dropped and i felt like she didnt feel the same for me,although she may have been thinking the same of me and because none of us communicated our feelings nothing improved…even our sex life dropped, i felt she wasnt interested so i became unhappy with myself…she tells me now she felt like i just expected it every time we went out in weekends etc and that made her not want to, or feel used..which i cant stand to think thats how she felt..at the time i couldnt understand why, thought she had lost attraction for me..she is the type if she went out with girls she would be the one to get hit on…i knew that and fully trusted she woulld never act on anything…cant stop thinking if i had of maned up and shared my feelings things could have been different..people tell me i cant think like that buts its so hard not to, especially at night in bed alone and all i can think about is our relationship….Also when we broke up it was from her shutting me out i had to speak up finally and ask whats going on?, that was her out she had been waiting for, for months..didnt have the guts to breakup with me, maybe not to hurt me or so she doesnt come out looking like the bad guy…..All our friends are the same so things have got awkward. male friends have stuck by me and very supportive, althought sometimes i feel like just staying in my room and not going anywhere at all, dont feel like hanging out, but know i need to or i’ll lose them….i also found out she had been txting a guy a lot, i mean a real lot in last month before we split….when confronted she says was someone to talk to and share her feelings…hurts me so much to think she couldnt share her feelings with me..altohugh i didnt either so both to blame….to top it off we only brought a house together 8 months ago, me thinking at the time things havent been great but part of me was in denial, and thought if she wanted to buy a house with me she must truely love me..she says she thought buying a house might have made things easier..none of which we talked about untill it was over….Comunication is whats stuffed my life up…..Now i just cant see how i can ever find someone as beautiful and caring as her, she was deffinitly out of my league…She always organised everything social wise, partys we had or partys we go to..i was always content to stay at home, realise that sounds awful to my mates…now i dont no what to do with my life, and my only friends who have been single for last few years now have partners and im left being the single guy…i havnt been single for so long, im not enjoying it, i certainly am no the type to go out looking for 1 nighters…dont have the confidence for that either..guts me i know she could be with a new man in a second, although belive her when she says shes not looking for that..yet anyway, will still have tonnes of men approaching her, had done over the years we were together, me never had a single girl come up to me…also feel im always going to compare her to other woman and never be happy :( Where do i go from here?

    Am keeping the house we owned together and hoping i can live in it although the memorys are there…..Talking to her since we broke up i have the impression she is so glad its over, never seen a tear at all from her, except when confronted about texts… tells me she cryed months ago about us and was over it by the time i broke down and brought up out relationship, whether i believe that i do no know.

  392. John says:

    You know that one girl that you know is the one that you think is just perfect? I feel her slipping away from me and I don’t know why. We use to date, but she didnt want to be in a relationship anymore due to her own reasons and ever since she and I have really slipped away from each other. And with her talking with other guys and acknowledging them more then I ever was is killing me. So i want to let her go, but it’s hard as hell, especially when we use to have this ‘magic’ we would call it that always made me feel, well alive. And feeling alive is the best feeling ever.

  393. Meghan says:

    After breaking up with my boyfriend I found out that he was with another woman immediately. A woman that was after him for two years after we met her through his sister. One evening out of the blue she called me and disclosed some information if its true or not true I dont know? She told me she had been with him when he was with me in the last three months of our relationship. Before that call I was doing fine I broke up with him and I was moving in a positive direction. Then the trauma of that call literally has made me sick. I am enslaved by obsession I dont sleep I cant eat Im smoking like a chimmney Im shaky its bad. I still keep in contact with his mother and sister and sneakily I get them to tell me whats going on not healthy I know. My heart break is something I havent felt in years. The depression has now set in and I have never been so sick in my life. I am wondering if I should admit myself in to the hospital. Yet my pride is holding me back from getting the help I need. I say to myself how the hell does a jerk like that get into a relationship so suddenly (if it was suddenly) and how quickly I was replaced she took my place in his family and the dynamics of our relationship exactly. Now I think my god Im sick over this he is doing well moving on doesnt care about me at all anymore and here I am the one that ended it suppose to be moving on living life but I cant Im completely stuck. I need to be in a hospital. I do suffer from clinical depression. I know this but Im like ya right why isnt he needing help whatever why Am I sinking!!!

  394. Mvelo says:

    Hi Annah,

    I understand you love him and its difficult to switch on and off as you want but i want to say this. you have a child now to take care of and its for a reason, Im a Man and i want to assure you that he will never change. you need to decide whether you accept that as your standard of your life or you LET GO. OR

    Sit him down and and gently find out what is missing, please try not to raise your voice, point with finger or talk too much

    Lastly the reason why one engage himself in a relationships is purely because we want to be happy and the minute you not, then you not in a relationship.

  395. not sharing says:

    okay well i use to like this guy and still do and its been a year and mouths since we broke up and well last year we started talking agiana and i stillliked him but was happy just being friends.But i went and done something incredibly stupid and now i just cant stop thinking about him andi just want to forget about him but i cant. we live in the same town and his brother and i are pretty close. we also play the same sport and hang out at the same places and its wired cause whenever i go to them places ipumb into him and almost start to cry. There was this time i was shoping with my friends and i seen him and i bloted outta the shop and into the girs bathroom and when my friends found me i was in abslut tears and they sujested we go out to dinner. and we were eating and he comes out of no where with his friends and sits at a table near us my friends told me to stay seated and act like u didnt see him. We then went to get drinks from the bar and he was there to and askedto speak to my best friend and kissed her right in frount of me and DID it on purpose my friend pulled away and slapped him in the face. and i felt sorry for him. i think my problem is trying to face him agian. beaucse i rember every moment i spent wiht him and i was the happest ive ever been in my life and he was one of the sweatest guys i have ever known

  396. Molecule says:

    Reading all trend post here makes me cry…
    It makes me hate love more!

    I believe that loving a person isn’t loving yourself first.
    loving yourself means accepting yourself first not being selfish!
    Being too afraid to take chances,careless of your partner and
    how it would affect him/her with your own decision.

    We all know from the fact that all romantic relationships have its own dream/wish to be with that person forever. So, why go for someone whom you know isn’t in that kind of mind setting!

    If she/he loves you but not ready or not willing to take the road with you, He/she is not the right person for you.

    I’ve had that dream…
    Want to live a life with the man i love but unlucky he didn’t!

    Yeah, he have hurt me so much that I don’t feel the same as loving person as I am before.
    He didn’t even thought how hard each day, each moment how hurtful it is.
    Well, it is the “expectation” of wanting to have a life with him hurts most.

    I have thought, why would I be pushing myself to him..
    We haven’t married yet but this is how he treated me already.

    I’m still on my madness state..i guess and I need to heal and I have to admit I’m so mad! I want to declare war on love!
    I don’t feel any love anymore..

    If at first your love isn’t reciprocated leave that relationship!
    Don’t wait for him/her to change for you…it wont happen!
    Don’t let that person use and control you.

    Plus don’t believe that person loves you!! It’s a lie!!

    Lucky are those who found true love that is willing to take
    the path/road with you. Who respect you and reciprocate the love and will make you happy.
    And don’t let them use other people or situation against you!
    Some are good with mind games..make you feel it’s always your fault.
    But let me tell you this, if your partner have that kind of mind
    that person only love himself. You are and will never be his priority!
    Coz no matter how many words you say or how many tears he doesnt care!

    Love isn’t about being perfect for someone, culture differences, religion, gender, age, time, distance… but it does have an impact.
    If that person wont even share, that he rather eat first before you.
    That person love himself too much… its not the right person for you!

    I gave up a lot for him but all he saw is him doing much for me.

    Yeah, I still have feelings for him but he already killed me and ruined my life!
    I cant get back the tears he given me every day…the missing/longing, the hurt, the insult, embarrassment!

    Never ask love more…if you cant give more love to!

    Selfish person only want something from you for his/her own pleasure
    not becoz he is happy in making you happy!

  397. Difficulty letting go says:

    @DebbieD……Wow! I am so grateful for your response. Your situation sounds extremely similar to mine. The only thing a bit different is that we are both female in my situation (both of us identify as straight) which makes it just that much more complicated. You are right, as hard as it is to accept, my old friend is a wonderful person who does deserve to be set free so she can receive love from someone who can reciprocate 100%. It’s just so hard….I miss her constantly and struggle with my feelings for her. Do I love her? Do I just miss being loved by her? She has shut me out and turned off completely it seems that I am often left wondering whether or not she misses me at all or has a hard time with this adjustment since we haven’t really been apart for long in three years. She loved me more than anyone ever has but it was also suffocating at times. It was a bit obsessive and I was always ridden with guilt and stress since I was trying to live my independent life and be her friend. I dated others which hurt her to the core and I feel so terrible now that I reflect on how she must have felt, what that must have put her through. I also excluded her from a lot of things because she didn’t always know how to be normal around me and I just thought it would be awkward or lead to tension between us. I am so afraid that I will realize I really do love her still and it will be too late. I think she will be too afraid to take the chance fearing the hurt it may cause once again. She also thinks its time for her to see others and may not even have feelings left because of the pain I caused her. I just don’t even recognize her anymore and it breaks my heart. I miss my friend so much. I tried to talk to her and say “maybe I do have feelings of love” “maybe we can try” but she doesn’t want to do it, she can’t it seems. She won’t even see me. I made her so happy in the past but now it seems all she recalls are the many tears she cries/cried because of me. This is just so mixed up and so far from anything I have ever dealt with.

  398. Help says:

    Hey i m confused 6 months before in my skul i loved a girlalot alot and i proposed her i was behind her almost 3 months but she din reprocated my love and things started becomibg worse after 1 month i met with girl we exchanged our phone no. We chat all night whole day i was gettin closer to her and she to and we falled in love she broke up with her boyfrnd and we wer together but the story starts nw my vacations wer over i saw. My first love again and was missing her at the same time i loved the second girl nw the problm is tht the both the girls love me but i m CONFUSEDDDDD wat to do i love them both and i can’t loseany one of them plsssss help

  399. DebbieD says:

    @Difficulty letting go…I came upon this site because I am your “friend” so to speak. I fell in love with someone about five years ago after a year of having a really close friendship. Our situation has so many variables in it that it would take me forever to write. Let’s just say the timing in which we both came into each other’s lives played into our instant connection, which for me wasn’t romantic at first however it soon became apparent to me that my feelings had gotten away from me. When, after a year of having this amazing closeness with him, I decided to tell him that I had feelings that went beyond that of friendship. He did not feel the same way. I was confused and devastated. I tried to pretend for years that I could downshift my feelings back to friendship. One step forward, two steps back is how it has been. I think we have both been patient with each other as neither one wanted to hurt the other. We tried to not be friends and it killed both of us. We always seemed to work things out. Which made it even more difficult for me. Because isn’t that what all great, romantic relationships are about? Being kind and considerate to one another, loyalty, commitment. And each time we would work stuff out it gave me hope that things might someday be different. Like if I were patient, kind, and loving enough he might somehow change his mind about me.

    What you wrote could easily have been written by him as I know he cares and appreciates me as a friend. And you are right, it would have been easier for her if you left the situation once you didn’t feel it back for her. But that wasn’t the reality of your situation or mine.

    Here’s how it is from my end (and possibly where your friend is)…

    I have loved him for what seems like forever. We have a connection that other people see and sense, yet he doesn’t feel the same way. I often wonder how everyone sees it but him. I try to pretend that I am ok just being his friend, although I secretly die when he talks about other relationships. I know he sees the hurt in my eyes (despite my best effort) so eventually that subject doesn’t come up. I am not part of his social life because he doesn’t want to hurt me by me seeing him with other people. I don’t want to be part of his world because I don’t want them to see right through me and know what I feel for him. I lie to myself constantly. I think I can handle just being friends. I find myself doubting myself…what is so wrong with me? How am I good enough to be his friend, someone he confides in, someone he trusts, someone who makes him laugh and will allow him to be himself, yet not be good enough to date. Or at least to try and see if there could be something more. The ping pong game in my head is too much. When I’m with him I’m happy, when I’m not I’m hating myself for missing him. Does he ever think of me when we are not together? Then there are times I get angry. Why does he get what he wants and I’m the one left longing for more. Will this feeling ever go away? He doesn’t want to be with me, accept it, move on, find someone else. I try. No one makes me feel the same way. I try again…and again…and again…nothing. I feel hopeless.

    What your friend and I do have in common is the level of commitment at trying to make the relationship work. Not days, not weeks, not months, but years. Like her, I feel like I have done everything humanly possible to accept the friendship as is. I WILL ALWAYS WANT MORE. No matter what…I will always want more. There comes a point when that reality forces one to do something drastic. Like your friend, I had to walk away. No not walk, run. Because without the momentum of running I might go back, I might trick myself into thinking friendship is ok with him, and then I’m right back in the miserable space I have been in for five years.

    I so very much appreciated your comment. I’d like to think somewhere he is out there missing me. I feel bad about that, but I feel worse for me if I continue living my life this way. It’s not fair to me. I deserve to have the opportunity to invest the time and energy I did in our friendship with someone who can give me back what I need in a relationship.

    Honestly the most humane thing you can do for your friend is to let her go. Unless you are willing to consider the possibility of a romantic relationship with her, let her go. It is the most selfless, loving thing you can do to give her a chance at getting a new life for herself.

    PS After I confessed my feelings for him after that first year, I found out that he struggled with same sex attraction…even that didn’t change my feelings for him. I mention this to show you just how intense my feelings were for him. If she is like me and her feelings were equally intense, there is no shade of gray here. She had to see in black and white for her to leave the relationship. Maybe after she heals and moves on she will see in color again and maybe, just maybe you will get a second chance at a friendship with her.

  400. Lady says:

    If your boyfriend is cheating on you ….and you know it..do not allow him to be enabled by your confusion!…YOU ARE WORTH so much more…and you have his child too!…I got married to a cheater after i got pregnant at 19 (I am in my 50’s now and my child is grown)…take it from me sister…do NOT marry this man…once a cheater always a cheater runs true…unless God steps in and hits this man with a lightning bolt to change his heart of stone..HE WILL cheat again….HE will go and do that again to you …don’t fall for it! I ended up heartbroken and alone with a child to raise…now 30 years later he is finally in her life…but I raised her alone without him…move on ….there are plenty of men out there who will love your child the way it should be done…just educate yourself more and be a great mother..stand up for your life!! …and your childs!….Be Encouraged and stay strong…!! You can do this and do a great job at it too! Hope this helps…

  401. Difficulty letting go says:

    About 6 months ago my best friend (who I was living with) and I just ceased our friendship. I moved out and haven’t seen her since. I miss her everyday and I have tried to reach out to her in order to build a friendship again but she wants nothing to do with it. She is a different person now, she used to be kind, sensitive, empathetic…. when I talk to her now she is like a stranger and very hurtful. What led to our demise was the fact that she was in love with me. This all started about 4 years ago, I was young and didn’t know how to handle a situation like this. She had already become a close friend of mine and I didn’t want to lose that. Although I should have removed myself from this situation long ago because it wasn’t fair to her, I stayed in it because she told me she didn’t want to lose my friendship either. Our relationship was beyond stressful and there were many times I suggested walking away from each other because it was becoming unhealthy, but just the thought of that killed her. We had finally decided to move in together when our relationship felt normal….we thought it would be a good idea. However, she started pulling away and distancing herself. At first I didn’t mind but then she wasn’t even acting like my friend any longer, we were just roommates. I hated it….I missed my best friend. I moved and came to find out just recently why she pulled away. It was because her feelings had been so strong for so long with the want of a romantic relationship, that she HAD to focus on herself. I completely understand her actions in this case, I just wished she had told me while it was going on. I also came to find that she never thought of me as a friend and harbors a lot of anger towards me viewing me as someone who hurt her repeatedly and used her since I never formed a romantic relationship with her and was at times insensitive towards her feelings. I do love this friend, just maybe not in the same way. It hurts me to my core knowing this is how she views me now. Someone who loved me so much now could care less about me, which makes me so confused. I never ever meant to hurt her, I just didn’t know how to delicately handle being a friend to someone who wanted more. I want her back and I can’t seem to let go. I feel if I let go that means it is truly over and I don’t want to accept that as my reality for some reason. I really want my friend back in my life, she was so special to me and I feel awful for not making that clear to her more often. I wonder if this hurts her at all….does she miss me at all? Will she realize that I am a good person and a great friend? Does she feel as affected by this as I do? It’s strange, we were so close that now I feel like a huge part of me is missing and I want it back. I have many other friends but its just not the same as it was with her. We were together almost everyday its hard to get used to being without. I wish we could talk about how difficult this is and help each other through it, but she won’t even see me. How can I let go of this? How can I stop comparing how I am feeling and questioning how she is feeling? It seems impossible. Any help would be much appreciated.

  402. Jody Basye says:

    I was in a long relationship that included 3 beautiful boys, my wife after 19 years together decided she wanted something different in her life. Its been 2 years now and I still continue to struggle with it all. Everything has changed, holidays, the struggle with money alone, and now taking care of my boys fulltime as she left to another state (temporary as she states). I struggle to cope with it all and miss the way it used to be. Truely not happy as I was and find myself very sad and depressed at time. SO up and down alot. I found a friend along the way and she has helped me thru alot but its not been the same. How do I let go move on and be the person I used to be? I have thoughts of leaving the area of pain (where I live now) and move to a preferred location I have my eyes set on for a long time now. Is it good to start over in a new area with no possible memories? Just really in a confused state of mind, cant really do much becasue of money, my kids etc. I was a stay at home father for alomost 5 years and they were the most wonderful years I had with them so I really dont feel as guilty if there mother wanted them fulltime in order for me to get my life on track and be happy again. Well enough rambling and I appreciate any advice. Thank you.

  403. mina says:

    After 10 years. He cheated now im trying to let him go but bothers me. Yet he still doesnt show he wants to fix or show he loves me. Feel so sad now.

  404. Samantha says:

    @Broken Angel: You’re so welcome and I’m happy that my words were able to provide some help. Just remember, you’re on the road to healing and there are better days ahead…Happy 2012, the slate is clean for a brighter future.

    kms327@gmail.com

  405. Broken Angel says:

    @Samantha! Thank you very much, your extensive reply was encouraging. Your response was very uplifting. Each time I am sad, I read through your reply and it motivates me to Not to look back.

    Thank you for supporting me!
    God Bless You all, and thanks to this blog!

  406. Broken Angel says:

    @Samantha! Thank you very much, your extensive reply was encouraging. Although it makes little or no difference, just wanted to add that this gentleman was known to me before our communication went online. That is why I had great confidence in him. We are both teachers and I had expected that he wont hurt me ever. It was just my illusion though. I will definitely let him go. Your response was very uplifting. Each time I am sad, I read through your reply and it motivates me to Not to look back.

    Thank you for supporting me!
    God Bless You all, and thanks to this blog!

  407. Samantha says:

    @ELIZABETH JOHNSON: You posed an interesting question. I have an advice column in which I try to give my insight at http://www.advicebykaren.blogspot.com“. If you’d like to forward your question to the email address, I’ll try to give you my thoughts.

  408. Elizabeth Johnson says:

    I’m torn about letting go. Recently seperated from my husband of 5 years. Confused if I did the right thing. Several things didn’t work in our relationship, but I think the main reason is because I know I could have done better. The first time I met him in person (after speaking to him for weeks on the phone), my first reaction to him physically was a negative one, but my head said give him a chance. I’m embarrassed about him with some of m y new friends, constantly have thoughts what am I doing here. I see a girlfriend of mine in photos with he boyfriend, she’s beautiful and extremely talented, but chooses less, and I ask myself why. Then see the same in me. Is it a self worth issue? Or am I a snob? I see my teen son choosing lesser friends/crowds questioning him on this, but thinking he’s doing what I’m doing?????

  409. BROKEN HEART says:

    i feel your pain been there and on personal experience once a cheater always a cheater its hard to understand but if he realy loved you he wouldnt have done that to start with and you will be always thinking what if he is doing it again some people do change but it doesnt happen over night my advise is to let it go eventhough its hard its probably the best for you and your child good luck .

  410. Annah says:

    Hi, I need advice I am in pain.
    My boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me. When I was 7months pregnant he engaged me to marry him, but the things changed. He started sleeping out on weekends. After giving birth I went to my parents’s place for 3mnths. He started bringing the gal he was cheating with into our place. Not once bt several times, I confronted him, he denied everything but there was a proof that she was on my bed.
    Well I stopped communicating with him for 2days, he’s is nw begging me to come back so we can work things out. He tells me he loves me and he will neva leave me.
    My problem is I am confused, what if I give him another chance and he go and do that again. Please help.

  411. BROKEN and CONFUSED says:

    I found this blog,because I have reached the end of my rope. I met this guy in college, he was sweet. We spent one night of talking and eventually kissing and it was all history from there. At the same time i was letting go of my ex BF. He overheard a conversation and accused me of lying to him. We eventually got over that and continued to grow and learn more about each other. I wanted a relationship but he told me he wasn’t ready. He had gone through a bad break up and was dealing with some other problems. Still we talked about “our”future alot. Every night we spent together,up until graduation. We both cried b/c we live a good two hours away from each other. That was the last time things were the same between us. After that he seemed to start changing. Becoming more distant. I’d bring it up multiple times but he assured me it was diff. because of the distance. One night I got fed up and told him I couldn’t do it and I wanted to just focus on being friends( This was after a fight,he can be mean and say harsh things at times). He agreed. It hurt. I spent the whole night crying. The next morning he text me, telling me he couldn’t stop thinking abt me and he wanted me to wait until he got his life together bc he knew we were going ot be together. I was overjoyed,and things were fine again. HE’d call three to four times a day,tell me he couldn’t sleep until he spoke to me. And then one day everything took a turn for the worse. I had called him b/c i saw a missed call from him. I was in my room cleaning and he answered. I said hello. He then got angry. He went ” WHO IS OVER THERE?” I was confused, because I was alone in my house. I took that he must have heard my television and heard a male voice,bc i was close to it cleaning. I told him it was probably the t.v he heard. He got super mad. Told me I was lying. Said he knew it was my ex there. I was dumbfounded. He thought I was lying AGAIN :(. I told him over and over again he heard nothing but probably my television . But he still believed what he wanted. We argued the whole day. He even put a status up about how he couldn’t be with someone he trusted. It broke my heart. Worst prt this was all BEFORE the day of my birthday and the day of :(. I messaged him, text him the story over and over again. STILL he did not believe me. Then he told me I better tell him the truth or he will nvr speak to me again. I got scared and decided to lie. I made up this story abt how my ex came over to wish me a Happy Birthday and I kept telling him how I had moved on (which DID happen but two weeks earlier-i figured if i said i was sorry we could work on it Welp he believed that. And said I was a liar and that he’d never look at me the same. I cried so much. After we got off the phone. I told myself I wasn’t going to let him think that i had been lying to him the whole day. So I went back to my original story,told him i was home alone and that he only heard the t.v, HE DIDN’t BELIEVE ME. He said he believed the first story. I told him that all of that happened three wks earlier and not when he thought it did, but nope he didn’t believe me. After that things got worse. HE went from calling me three to four times a day to one,and eventually to none at all that day. I complain telling him things were diff. between us. He now kept saying over and over again that we are not in a relationship, that he couldn’t tlk to be every minuet of the day,and his popular response he’s not ready for a relationship. I had it in my head that IF i kept holding on to him and getting him to trust me again we’d go back to the way things were. BUt it only got worse. I’d feel hurt and tell him i couldn’t do this friendship anymore. He’d then tell me i don’t respect him and how he couldn’t be w/ someone who couldn’t respect him. And of course he’d throw wht happened in my face again. EACH time i kept telling him it wasn’t true. He’d accused me of tlking to other guys behind his bad..i then kept defending myself. Pretty much i’d try to be cool each time i’d push even harder to get things back to the way it was.NEVER work. I went to see him in his home town,things were diff. we didn’t really kiss like we used to and we fought the whole time. He told me he didn’t want to be w/ me bc i was stupid,it hurt. We did end up having sex again. In my head I thought it meant he still cared and tht we could go back to how things were. He EVEN told me sometimes tht we would go back but never did. Well months pass the same arguement kept happening. I was on his FB and i saw this girl who wrote on his wall EVERY week. IT would be super flirty, kind how we used to be. Well i asked him abt it. He assured me they were friends but she’d leave {♥, 😉 and the worse :*} on his wall. I was upset bc i thought we had an agreement tht IF we were tlking to someone else we’d tell the other person, but the more i asked abt her the angrier he got saying she could say whtever she want and how we aren’t in a relationship so i had no right to be upset. well i made a fake facebook page to try to find SOMETHING out ( see if there was a status abt her dating someone) i added her as a friend turns out he was guilty of the doing the same stuff on her wall. I was hurt. I really feel like something is going on between them. Well we had the same fight abt again. And he told me tht he didn’t want to be in relationship w/ me right now. I kept thinking he just didn’t want me. BUt everytime he assured me tht its b/c he need to get his life together. He kept telling me i was special and more than good enough for him. But i stil felt like he didn’t want me. We fought a lot abt. All my friends kept saying he was lying and that i was being played. if left me confused. I didn’t know who to believe-still don’t. Well we just had another similar fight and i finally told him i couldn’t do this friendship again,same stuff was said and eventually i told him we need to distance ourselves and that he need to stop saying right now like he actually meant we’d be together one day. I was surprised. he handled it easily. He easily was okay with all that i had said. IT HURT. I tried telling him how much he hurt me.he said i shouldnt be hurt b/c we never were together. I still want to be with him. I can’t let him go.IDK wht to do. IDK if i should stick around and see if we really r going to be together OR is he going to end up with someone else and i get hurt i’m scared abt tht the most. I’m confused. Don’t know if he ever had feelings for me or was je just using me for sex. he says he didn’t but his actions said otherwise..now i jsut feel so empty and heartbroken now. I was June 15th NEVER happened :'(

  412. Samantha says:

    @BROKEN ANGEL: Hi, I’m going to try and give my insight into your situation. I just want to be clear about something, hoping I read your post correctly — you have never met this man in person, you and he have just had a relationship via the internet /online. I’m going to respond based on that:

    Okay…I do have a little bit of actual experience with this type of situation, although my online-relationship didn’t extend for four years. We did, however, start to confess to each other that we thought we were “falling in love.”

    Here’s the truth the way I see it — online relationships have this very powerful type of pull in the sense that it’s sort of an unattainable, “I want you more now” type of situation. Since both partners are separated by distance, the allure of the unrequited physical love becomes so much stronger. When we are “behind a computer screen,” it frees up our inhibitions, it can help us become someone we may not necessarily be, or someone was want to be …. in other words, our fantasy life and our fantasy love becomes alive.

    Now I do think people can develop very strong friendships over the internet that can lead to real love. It certainly happens, and it’s happening with more and more fequency. BUT, the difference is that the people who go on to have a real, in-life, physical relationship usually take the steps to ensure mutual progression with the relationship… they keep the friendship going, they both express that they WANT to meet in person, and they are both SINGLE and AVAILABLE… they usually are not carrying on simultaneous online relationships. I’ve read many stories and watched documentaries. One of the people will usually fly to meet their beloved and “click”, they decided to take the relationship to the next step.

    Unfortunately the man who were involved with doesn’t sound as though he was thinking this way from the inception of your relationship. From what I can understand, he wanted to have some fun, have some flirting, perhaps even online “physical affection”, and keep it at that. You wanted more. If he was, and is, communicating with other women in the same way as he did with you, he’s certainly not “committed” or faithful, even in the online virtual world of romance.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so hurt but I honestly think its best if you can get yourself to move forward. He’s not giving you any indication that he wants to pursue anything further, in fact, he’s decided to break it off.

    You sound like a smart woman, you take an active interest in your education and you seem as though you want to stay self-empowered. You can do that with love too. You will get over this, you just must allow yourself to do it. Think of him as a “blank screen” now, he’s no longer there and he has logged off. It will continue to hurt for a while, but time will heal. You’ll love again. If you start another online relationship and feel like you are falling for the man, be upfront and see if HE is serious about meeting in person at some point. Good luck!

  413. Samantha says:

    @SEAN: Hi Sean, since you wrote such an easy to read post and asked for some advice, I’ll chime in. Hope it sheds some insight, just my opinion of course.

    First let me summarize briefly how I understand things to be: You and this woman started out as friends. Good friends. Things took a turn and you became “friends with benefits,” nevertheless once the sexual aspect of the relationship came into play, there was intimacy. She wanted a romantic relationship at first, you didn’t. Then, you decided you loved her as more than a friend and wanted a romantic relationship, but she backed off.

    Okay … (taking deep breath here)… I think both you and she as playing a classic tug-of-war here. The good thing is it sounds as thought you both may be in love with each other. Now, since you initially backed-off first after your relationship took a turn into intimacy, you have to realize a woman’s ego is fragile. Chances are no matter how “stoic” she appeared, or how “cool” — she was hurt. Yes, hurt and upset. She may have played it cool, but once a woman sleeps with a man, even if she ISN’T wanting a deeper relationship, she still wants HIM to want her in a deeper relationship. Make sense, haha? Well, yes, it’s part of the feminine mystique… woman want to be desired more than they desire.

    So now you want more and she’s playing it cool. Clearly the two of you do not want to go extended periods of time without communicating and you are both still interested in what each other does in your “away time.” I think you’re both really into each other.

    Bad new … the “friendship” will most likely never be able to go back to square one. Not once the love bug bit both of you, even if it was at different times. To go back to simply being friends, without the hint or feelings of the physical attraction, would be tough. Can it be done? Sure, of course, but you would both have to be really upfront and honest with each other. Put the cards on the table.

    My advice? I think you are in love with her. If that’s the case, go after her on bended knee, pull out all the big guns and wear your heart on your sleeve. Tell her once again you were a little confused in the beginning, but now you can’t envision not having her in your life. Confess your love. Not just your friendship, your love.

    Good luck! Remember, you only go around once, live with gusto.

  414. Sean says:

    I recently came across this site and I am desperate for advice. I’m a 23 year old male, and my “best” friend is a 21 year old female, and about a year ago I had fallen in love with her. I have known her for about 2.5 years and we share quite a history together. We didn’t exactly hit things off right away, I wasn’t looking for a relationship at the time when I met her and neither was she, but after talking for awhile and getting to know each other a lot better we eventually hooked up and slept together, and she was actually my first. What turned into a friends with benefits kind of thing actually lead her to have some feelings for me which I didn’t reciprocate.

    But fast forward a few months and deep down I found I had those feelings. However this time she didn’t reciprocate and decided she wasn’t ready for a relationship again. After confessing my feelings to her, she preferred if we just stayed best friends. I believe that’s where I went wrong, instead of giving myself time to heal I fell even deeper into my attraction for her because we talked everyday. This whole situation has lead me into a few other details. I was forced to once again reveal my feelings for her back in October, but this time I was never given a clear answer. She never said yes but she also didn’t say no. However it’s been almost 3 months and she’s been telling me about other crushes and loves she has, so I feel like I have my answer.

    My second problem is now I don’t know what to do about our friendship. I’ve been in a war with myself as to what the proper course of action is for me to do, and in trying to figure it out, I hurt her feelings on her birthday by neglecting her after promising I would make it a great night for her. She said she has forgiven me, but I still feel like it’s not 100%. So I’m still trying to figure out what to do, before her birthday she initiated contact with me about 80% of the time, now we’re down to me having to do it most of the time. She also has a tendency to disappear completely and just stop talking, where as when I disappear for awhile she asks why I didn’t message her and asks me what my problem is. I’m completely torn between my love for her and the amazing friendship we have. I’m scared that if I cut her out completely things will never be the same and I’m not sure how to deal with that, but if I don’t do something I’ll feel like I’ll never be able to completely move on.

  415. Broken Angel says:

    Hi, I have read this blog and was helpful. I want to share my story here. I hope someone can advice me on that. I met this man four years back in a professional gathering. Initially there was an attraction from both sides. When the gathering was over, we exchanged emails and chatted online. He was intelligent and talked about all stuff which could possibly attract me towards him. I got attracted and started to take extreme interest in him. He said he likes me as well (not loves me). Meanwhile I got chance to complete my higher education abroad, and while I left, We both were trying for such opporuntiy. At abroad our communication became more closer, we had webcam conversations and were highly romantic. I started to get deep into him. He never said I love you, but said things such as lets see where time takes us….and lets hope. We got more closer, although this sort of interaction was limited to net. I have not personally seen him since these four years. Just online.

    I had trust on him that I have professional understanding with him. He culd not succeed in getting scholarship and is still working on same post. His father got paralysis and he was pretty unhappy with life.

    While this was okay! I got to know he was unfaithful to me. I checked his emails (i had passwords even he didnt know it) full of stories of flirts. He himself told me that his students (being a teacher) was obsessed with him. I got suspicious, I asked him if he can marry me. He refused and gradually said he does not love. it was my illusion. Whatever we did in our close relation was just fun for both of us? dont know. he comes when he wants to…just for that “closure”…other wise he never replies to my emails. texts…anything. I feel so painful, each time I ask him why he did that to me.,..blame goes on me, because it was me who loved him…not he…he was never serious!

    I am trying to let him go….he never comes online for me…he talks to other girls (i am suspicious), but left me because I am emotional. I find myself in much better position than him, but I loved him so much. Was my love wrong? or Did i destroy this relation? There are so many painful things coming to mind.

    I spy on him, i try to check his websites, each time I know he is there, it gives me immense pain…but I still keep doing that.

    I want to move on…I want to forget all this pain…may be i was fooled. I was made fun of. by him…But how! How can I stop myself frm watching or chasing him? I have no place in his life anymore? How can he betray like that?

    Dont know! This is world

  416. Samantha says:

    @JASON: I read your post. I think what’s going on might be one of two things. First let me say it’s positive that you recognize this ex-GF is not for you and you deserve much better. Absolutely. She’s been abusive towards you. You, nor anyone else, deserves that. So why can’t you let go? …

    1) Perhaps there is a part of you — an unconscious part of you — that thinks you deserve this type of treatment in some way. Before you think “no” keep in mind we all have subconscious, internal voices within us that react to things that we may think we have completely gotten over. For example, I have a co-worker who is absolutely lovely, intelligent and a friendly, kind woman. Yet she continually attracts men who abuse her, not physically, but emotionally and verbally. They’ll talk negatively to her, tell her to lose weight (she’s not fat at all), and always seem to be unfaithful to her. What’s the problem? Well, she had a very emotionally-distant father growing up, and is projecting that need to be wanted onto her boyfriends. In turn, they become emotionally-detached from her, because there is a subconscious part of her that think in some way she “deserves” this. Examine your thought pattern. Believe and know you deserve a stable, loving woman.

    2) Another factor may be that you may be too kind in the sense you have the “I must save her” complex. Emotionally/Verbally abusive partners can be like wounded animals … they act out and treat us because they themselves have been very hurt. You may have a nurturing side of you that believe you can save her or help her, even though it’s hurting you. Chances are you cannot help her, unless of course she recognizes she needs help and wants help. Just from reading what you wrote about her behavior — the spitting, the lashing out towards your family — I’m guessing that might be the case. She sounds like a very wounded woman who only knows how to react aggressively in order to protect herself.

    And lastly Jason, you are NOT a twit (smile) … you are human. You sound like a very kind guy. Sometimes we’re a little too kind for our own good, but I’d rather be kind that unkind. Just stay away from your ex-GF and hope for the best for her. Wish her the best and for her healing, but please don’t go back to accept any further abuse. Good luck.

  417. Shattered says:

    I posted my story a couple days ago n wld b grateful for any advice…thx

  418. Brian says:

    Thanks for the reply Samantha. It’s just as you say, friends did listen for about a month but I often take myself out of my shoes and into the position of the listener. It was all I talked about, all I cared to speak about and I guess it helped some but if I was on the listening end I wouldn’t want to hear it daily so I stopped speaking of it, unfortunately I also stopped speaking as a whole.

    Mostly because I didn’t want to be someone my friends avoided and partly because we have the same social circle and I wouldn’t be able to stand knowing anything new about her or her finding out I am having such a difficult time with the break up years after the fact.

    Your guess was spot on she initiated the break and I reluctantly accepted even though I feel I should have fought tooth and nail, but I already know I can’t control other people.

    As predicted she wanted to remain friends but I don’t believe it’s possible, I don’t consider her a friend because I haven’t seen her in 3 years and haven’t had a conversation in almost 4. It’s just a “hi and bye” thing, so much to the point I can’t stand to have any kind of small talk with anyone.

    I feel like a complete nobody to her at this point in time. I’ve been trying very hard to find any negatives of the relationship and just like you said it’s very difficult considering it was a friendly break.

    I got to admit not sending any Christmas/Birthday/Valentines gifts makes me feel terrible, in fact forcing myself to not message her at all makes me feel like crap, but in the same token shes not tripping over herself to say anything to me which also makes me feel terrible.

    My way of talking myself into it was that she got to accustomed to always seeing those gifts and messages, maybe if those things where taken away she would notice, etc. I have spent all this time missing her, but with the gifts and messages I’ve always been there almost like I never left.

    So I’m seeing if anything changes when I remove myself completely. Deep down I hope and pray that it goes noticed to a point where something can be rekindled and I also fear that I won’t be missed at all.

    As for the exercise I have worked my thinking of her down dramatically, the dwelling spells hit once in a while during the day but most if not all of my thinking happens while I try to go to sleep. It’s the one time where a person’s mind truly reflects on what matters or is a priority. I try to watch a movie or something to quell the thoughts however it has not been a big success. But I am rambling now, I really appreciate the reply as this is the first time in years I’ve spoken my case.

  419. Lisa Ramroop says:

    Cookie, I love your poem, you said exactly what i feel, i know your pain, i feel it inside myself, it is truly a work of art when u can write something from your soul and connect to others in that way, do continue forging forward with blessings and strength !!!!!!! good luck, Lisa

  420. Ipray says:

    @Jason > hi jason…

    ur story resembles ours , except for the timelines :) nd that , am the girl..

    i dont know what exactly happened in ur case, and how much different it is from our case , but would like to write smthing concluding for our case , and hope it can help u a bit :)

    we got married and i was constantly trated very badly by his family , to the point that i was almost thrown out of their house in his absence. each time, things happened in such a way that he could never see his family’s fault> not even in throwing me out :) his family was too convincing to him and his sister especially could make a face as if she was lonely , and terrified by me (???? wt rubbish !! )…

    i loved him like anything….i cared for him like a baby … i must say , he was a doted husband. we got a chance to live in a different city . he told me he had broken up with his family (really? i didnt tell him so… nd it hadnt make me happy anyways) … but i always know he was in contact with them and called them when he went to office and deleted call log and stuff and lied to me….i was frustrated, not that he was in contact with them , but coz , HE WAS TELLING ME LIE.

    i got drunk and cried and said bad things about his family and also few things i said intentionally to hurt him…just coz i was deeply hurt , and frustrated…and had a little bumpy childhood as well . My insecure feelings yelled at him…coz he had made me more insecure… but each time , i also knew , he was constantly telling me lies about things.. everyone around us was ready to give in written how much devoted a wife i was !…

    he hurt me a lot…but by giving me a chance to cry my heart out , to yell and so , he made me to heal…coz i had this confidence that wtevr i do , this man wouldnt leave me….

    am just assuming ur girl was trying to assure herself of the same security every time, and u could have seen her healed , very soon.

    i assume u were a loyal partner… as in my case , my man was always cheating me, threatening me and cold towards me…. till the day i lived with him , he ACTUALLY COULDNT live without me for mere a second ! the moment i had to travel to another place , and needed to visit his family house , to prevent me from going to his family house , he made an excuse that he was never happy with me , and is breaking up and always wanted to !!…

    am deeply hurt. coz i always found it hard to trust when he said he loved me..and eventually , he did as i was expecting…

    he called me up in few weeks , cried that it was tough to forget me and he still misses me…but when he had healed himself saying all that , at the end of the call , he said > but dont think we r back in relation. i miss u , but we r over it.

    :)

    i would advise , if its u who broke up , give her security. give her another chance. am still ready to give my man another chance if he learns to be truthful . running away is not a way out for any relationship if it HAS WORKED EARLIER TOO. if u cant forget her, may be u two can try it once again… but if u cant , then take it for granted , however much u or me cry , in 6 months or so , it’ll be a distant sorrow….

    if there was some justification behind her actions , forgive her. if she was mere cold towards u , try forgetting her. though , i also know that without any justification without my husband’s daily lies , am still not able to forget him , while he is acting so cold again :)

    …it happens…one person is always weak in the relationship of the two :)

  421. Samantha says:

    @Brian: It does help to talk about it, although I’ve found my friends (and most friends) have a short-span of attention when it comes to carrying on about the same situation. Friends will listen in the beginning, perhaps for a month or so if it’s a bad situation, but after that most don’t want to hear it any longer. As far as “normal” … well everyone’s feelings are normal. You said it’s not as though it’s causing you harm, which is positive, so thinking about it every day is like carrying an extra burden.

    I think it was wise that you decided to stop sending gifts. While you didn’t go into specifics, I’m guessing your ex-girlfriend is the one who ultimately decided to break off the relationship. After a while, continuing to send gifts doesn’t just represent an “I care” or “I’m still thinking about you”, but more of a subtle guilt-infused reminder that she broke off the relationship. If exes truly stay friends after the break-up, as a rule I don’t think gift-giving serves any real purpose, except on special occasions, i.e. if your ex gets married and you are sincerely wishing them well, or if your ex has a child, you are sending your congratulations.

    I think the reason you may be thinking about this break up for so long and so consistently is simply because there was no closure, no defined reason for the break-up. I think it’s so much more difficult when relationships end on a “friendly note” some times, without a defined reason. It leaves the person who may have been more in love or more devoted to continuing the relationship wondering — What went wrong? Did I do something? Could I have done something differently? Was it really me? Sometimes there isn’t a defined reason. People can love and in time drift out of love, but still be in like.

    I don’t know the reasons why you and your GF broke up or the circumstances, but I think hanging on to thinking about her is bringing you some sort of comfort — if that makes sense. She’s still a part of you as long as you continue to think about her and send gifts (in the past.) If she’s moved on, she’s moved. Why don’t you make an effort, like a person makes when they embark on an exercise program, to limit you thinking to perhaps once a week and take it from there. When the thought comes in your mind during the day, try to banish it and say to yourself “I’ll think about her on Sunday” (just an example). Eventually if you train your mind, it will become easier.

    You’re probably not letting go of the thought process because you are idealizing her. She probably represented “the perfect woman” for you in many aspects. It’s hard. You don’t want to replicate her, or can’t find someone else like her, so you still want her.

    Letting go of a love is never, ever easy, but when there is a lack of animosity from both parties, it’s even harder. Being able to communicate with the person leaves the illusion of the “door still being open” for a reconciliation. I think once you can accept that the relationship is over, it was wonderful while it lasted, but it’s time to move on … you will. Good luck.

  422. Marlene says:

    This guy is a player, he has no compassion for you or the other girls he gets involved with, he knows you are completely madly in love with him and he feeds off it, honey you are his doormate, girls like you give jerks like him the energy they need to play, you sound like a real nice girl who deserves to be loved a cared for by someone real, kick the jerk to the curb, I have been there, and do know exactly what you are going through, take care and make the right decision, it’s your self worth that is going to help you choose and make the right decision.

  423. Brian says:

    Happened across this site a few minutes ago. They said talking about it helps however I find it impossible to simply confide in someone that much. So to make a long story short it’s been 3+ years since my split and I still think about it daily. I don’t know if it’s a “normal” occurrence but I was wondering if anyone was even kind of in the same boat.

    Every year I would send gifts, leave messages letting the person know I was there and I still cared. I would receive thanks of course but I never felt so far away before. Last month i made a painfully firm decision not to send gifts, messages, or anything of the sort. I feel those things were taken for granted, here I am thinking about her throughout the day every day and cant even get a “hello” once in a while.

    I mean it’s not hurting me any, but it gets me down more often than not. At least if it ended on a bad note I could use that negativity to pull myself up but there wasn’t anything negative to latch on to. I don’t know, it’s like that bad feeling you get when something bad has or is going to happen. You just don’t feel quite right until you figure out whats going on. Try having that feeling every day for 3 and a half years. I tell you it’s life changing.

  424. Denise says:

    broken If he is married you are not respecting yourself or his wife. There are boundaries and you just don’t cross them. Men will give all sorts of reason to bed you. You don’t want to be a homewrecker. My dad cheated on my mom when we were kids and I could not stand these other women hurting my mom as well as my dad. You are in a no win situation. Women hear yourself. You have to love yourself first before you can love anyone else.

  425. Imtoobroken says:

    Its been I think a two weeks since I posted my story on here,and I thought I was ok and had started to move on,but up until today I am still hurting,esp even more today cause “He” and I were suppose to go out for NYE, I’m so sad, I am a lot better than I was three weeks ago, I haven’t spent my whole weekend crying, and loosing my voice cause I screamed in my pillow some many times to make myself feel better, I saw him since the last time I posted, I even slept with him since, and had gone out to lunch with him, I know he went on a date last night with that other girl he is talking to and I know that she doesn’t know about me caz I asked him,it was their first date last night, and YES!!! I am guilty for hoping and wishing that they did not have a connection on their date,I’M A FOOL!! YES!! I KNOW!! but I dunno what happened on their date,last time I heard from him was Wednesday, I am writing here again, cause my friends have lost interest in listening to me talk about him, its to the point where they are getting on my nerves because they don’t believe when I say that I am ok, and that I am moving on, they give me a hard time about how I feel, but I’m sorry I can’t help, I’m really trying but its so hard, I just want to crawl under a rock and hide, and I feel bad about the other, I try to put myself in her shoes, and depending on how she feels about him, I would be LIVID to find out that there is someone else & that he has been sleeping with her while we have been talking,OMG!!! I just don’t know what to do any more, I feel so lonely, hopeless, angry at myself, irritated at myself, and I keep throwing myself a pitty party, I went out last night with friends, but that didn’t help, I have been constantly shopping and buying things I have no need for,and has spent way too much money to help me feel better, but thats a temporary fix,I have even gone as far as making an appointment with a therapist just to see if that would help, this is the worst holiday season for me ever as far as I can remember, I really so desperately want to move and get on with my life, but I always happen to slip right back in as soon as we have some form of communication, wether if he text me or we see each other at work, HELP ME !!=(….

  426. Shattered says:

    I was in a committed relationship for little over a yr & i thought everything was great… I knew we had regular life issues like anyone but i really felt like we were tight until i found out he was cheating… i found a picture of him on fb with someone else & when i confronted him he tried to deny it but when i showed him proof he finally admitted it & hes been different ever since & not the person i knew, cold & uncaring… He said something changed but cant tell me what & i dont understand how he could be so different from who i fell in love with just like that? If it changed for him why couldnt he just tell me? why did he have to lie & cheat? I gave him everything was there for him in every way put him 1st & showed him every day how lucky i felt to have him in my life. I made sure he knew how much i loved him & went to great lengths so he wouldn’t doubt my love. I knew he had trust issues bcuz of how he grew up & his previous relationship & i loved him enough to do whatever i had to to make him feel secure. Now i feel like he was just using me & never felt as strongly as i did… He knew how deeply i felt & still let me think we’d be together forever how could someone do that? Even after he hurt me i’ve been there for him & he’s still being mean. He did say he was sorry & wanted to help me feel better but so far hasnt done anything he said he would so i dont think he’s sorry & i want him to realize what he did to me & everything he took but i dont think he ever will… I was blind sided by all this… I was good to him how can he do these mean things to me when all i ever did was love & support him? Why is it so hard for me to let go & move one? Its been 5 months & i still cry every day… I dont know how to turn off my feelings i loved him so much. I tell myself i deserve better & all the mean things he did arent ok but it’s not helping its like i’ve been so sad for so long that i dont know how to feel anything else & i just want him to see what hes done to me & feel what i’m feeling so he’ll see what he did cuz it seems to me that he doesnt care how what he did affects me… Its like hes punishing me for being good to him for loving him & never letting him down how can i love someone who only cares about himself?

  427. Jason says:

    I’m a twit…..my story goes like this…. I met my ex online, so we did the long distance relationship for a year, then after the year I moved to her to be with her. It had it’s up’s and down’s, after 4 months together she kicked me out, but we got back together after 2 weeks, then that lasted for 8 months, we broke up this past June, and kept in contact till just this past week. So my problem is that I’m having a hard time letting go, this woman verbally and physically abused me, spit on me, is insecure with me having female friends, talks smack about my family/friends that she has never met, amogst other things, so why can’t I let go when I know I could do so much better ? :S

  428. betsy says:

    I looked up this topic and am glad I found this site. I’m 26 and have just over 18 months of sobriety. My father can’t get over the past or his own dysfunction to see any good I’ve done. While I appreciate all the help he’s given me over the years is seems to me that the better I get the worse our relationship gets. More and more often I leave crying and hurt. I work with a sponsor who helps me find my place in my anger but I’ve decided that the pain of the problem has gotten greater than the pain of the solution. The ‘quip’ has summed it up beautifully. Thanks for being there.

  429. Samantha says:

    This is a great site for sharing experiences, it helps. I also take questions directly on my blog: http://www.advicebykaren.blogspot.com which is more of me answering, instead of just giving my opinion here, although I’ve enjoyed it. If you’d like to send me any questions directly you think I may help with, stop by.

  430. Cookie says:

    You broke my heart when we first met
    Your eyes deceiving, misleasding me to think, I bet you’re the one
    for me to share my life with Forever.

    Your love was for another then and now when I see you again
    It is the same. I feel the same, I hurt the same, I cry the same.
    Such a shame. My heart still belongs to you and only you know.
    My emotion-less face to show
    Hiding pain that is deep within my heart
    Feeling like I’m falling apart, into pieces, fragmented
    But still committed…

    Wanna let go
    Gotta let go
    Let go, let go, let it go

    Don’t wanna hear your voice again so scared it will pull me back in
    Don’t wanna see your face again so scared that you will win
    My soul again.
    Don’t wanna trust you agian
    Can’t be your friend
    Just want it to end
    Wanna let go
    Gotta let go
    Let go, let go, let it go
    Til tehre is no more you…in me

  431. Confusedtothemax says:

    I need advice! I don’t know what to do!

  432. madelotofmistakes says:

    I guess the person that I am having hard time letting go is my father and falling in love with people who remind me of my father.my father left us when I was 16 and about five years ago he committed suicide. while he was in my life he had supported me and been a positive part of my life. he had encouraged me to read and instilled in me love of arts and God. he was not a bad man but a troubled one. he was in a unhappy marriage with my mom and in a sense I don’t think he realized it but he turned to me for emotional supprort.
    All the years he left me I waited for him to come back to us. my mother who was frustarated took out her frustrations on me. I think she secretly resented the fact that my dad connected to me on an emotional level and sought to destroy me emotionally.
    As a result of my relationship I had with my dad I keep on drawing married men who are in bad relaionships. I keep on wanting to resuce them. I don’t think there is a single man out there that will love me.
    recently I fell in love with a married man who not only married but was my professor. never in my life had anyone displayed more qualities like my father. I know I have to let go of both of them in order to find love that is requited.
    I don’t know is there hope for me. I missed my dad’s presense in my life. I would love any advice.
    thank you.

  433. Samantha says:

    @Molecules: I’m so sorry you’re feeling as much despair as you are. I’m just commenting back because you said something so very important and so very true … if he/she doesn’t reciprocate the feelings, we shouldn’t push our wants. So many people lose themselves and valuable time in their life over this. If the other person doesn’t love back with the same ferocity and interest, you’re pushing against a brick wall.

    I’ve never been in a long distance relationship myself. I’ve had to close friends who have, both with different results. One friend dated a man who lived a continent away but frequently traveled to the USA to see her. They dated for a few years and he finally told her he couldn’t live without her, loved her and came to the US, business and all, and married her. They’ve now been married for quite a few years and have a couple of children. Very happy. The other friend went through a similar situation as you described. Her long-distance relationship resulted in heartbreak, she seemed to be always making the sacrifices for this man and he never really gave more than a minimal amount. The relationship broke apart and she found out he went on to marry someone else. So yes, true love can and does transport geography, time, money if it’s the right relationship.

    I’m so, so sorry to read that you were driven to the point of almost taking your life. Please know no matter how desperate you feel, no other person on this earth is worth giving up your precious life. When that tragedy occurs, the ex-boyfriend/girlfriend will go about living their life, loving again and moving on and the people who love the person who committed suicide are left with all the grief and despair. No one is worth it committing suicide over, absolutely no one, although I certainly acknowledge that your feelings were your own, were real and valid.

    Molecules, I think it’s a positive sign that you currently “feel dead” … I say that respectfully because that’s the first step to feeling “un-dead” and the rock bottom. You can now come up. I don’t know much about your relationship but from what I read of your post, it sounds as though this man didn’t give in as much energy or love to the relationship, however you shared a powerful, physical relationship which pulled you in deeper. He didn’t seem to give emotionally, yet you reacted very strongly to him physically. That’s a hard one, yes it is. Strong chemistry with someone can certainly mimick “true love” and make withdrawal very, very difficult.

    You have a lot of live for. Just the fact that you feel so passionately indicates that you have the propensity to experience even greater in the future. You have your nieces and nephews who, I am sure, idolize you, look up to you, and love you greatly. You have friends, even if you feel detached from them at this point. You have yourself, your talents, your dreams, your vision and your passion.

    You said that you didn’t know “IF or WHEN” you can move on. That’s a good statement, you are aware. You certainly can move on. It is and will be hard. All healing hurts, the scab has to form. But, you also said “IF” I can move on which indicates you know you have the power to, just if you want to.

    I think when we invest so much of ourselves in a relationship and it doesn’t work out the way we want it to, we become angry and hold on even tighter. There’s something inside of us that screams “hey I put so much into this investment, I want my return!” … we expect something back otherwise we feel angry and foolish that we invested so much. When we don’t get back our investment, we tend to hang onto the memory or hopes of the relationship, in “ghost form” so we feel as though we still have some sort of “pay off.” I’ve felt that way anyway. I simply refused to believe that I put so much love and attention into my marriage, only to have it fall apart. That wasn’t the way it was supposed to be in my eyes. After all, I saw many women who weren’t great to their husbands, who weren’t warm or affectionate spouses, who didn’t keep themselves up for their man, who nagged, who cheated yet their husbands didn’t leave! It seemed so unfair and so not right in my mind and heart. But, it happens.

    A new year is upon us in a few days. If you wake up on Jan. 1st, pull yourself out of bed and declare that you have mourned your relationship but will not make every effort you can — understanding that the pain will still be there — to move on and heal, you will. I promise you. If you throw your heart over the fence, your body will follow. Our mind is extremely powerful in ways we can’t always understand. Little by little, you’ll start to feel better and you’ll change the energy in your life. Once you reach that point where you accept the relationship is over and understand that you deserve someone who will reciprocate your love in return, you’ll attract a much more deserving partner.

    Happy new year Molecules and good luck. Love yourself and heal. Life is worth living, it is. I’ve been at the bottom of the barrel in a few areas of my life, not just love, and didn’t think I could ever pull myself up (or wanted to.) I felt the same despair about my life that you did. I can sit here and type and tell you with all truth, everything changed for me when I decided I absolutely had to love myself, protect myself and not be a victim to myself or others. Life improved, love came into my life and while we certainly don’t live in perfect world and times are difficult all around, it’s worth staying around. Sending you love.

  434. molecules says:

    Thanks for letting me know ur thoughts…

    Yes love must be patient and kind… I have been loyal, patient and understanding for more than 4 years of the long distance relationship I had.

    This is the only love that had a big impact in my life but unluckily it wasn’t reciprocated as I expect it should be.

    Well, I love him more than my life..
    I love being around him even we are together I feel I miss him so much. Felt like I want to passionately make love to him all the time. His warm hug and scent is a comfort to me too.
    These are just part of how he made me feel.

    I thought it was true love, that finally true love exist!
    And nothing can break the love/relationship not even time, money, distance or situation.

    But no matter how strong you are, if the other person doesn’t see
    your side and your sacrifices too, it wont work.

    Well, I hope that all readers who have doubts about their situation..
    Just stop and think about what is the meaning of love to you.

    We feel he/she completes us but if he dont feel the same way, we shouldn’t push ourselves our wants.

    I still feel dead…
    Came to a point I want to die and commit suicide.
    But I have thought of my nephews and nieces who look up to me…
    They are the reason why I’m still here.

    I’m not sure if or when I can move on…
    This love had taken much of me.

  435. norwegianwoods says:

    I’ve loved this guy for quite some time now. I was gonna tell him how I feel, but then he decided to go study abroad for a year. It broke my heart, and I’m trying so hard to let go, but it’s difficult. There’s a part of me that still loves him, although I feel like it’s time to let go. He’ll be back in about 8 months. I’m dreading that day, but at the same time I can’t wait. I know that when he comes back I will fall just as badly in love with him again, and I’m not sure if I want that. I really thought he cared about me, but feelings change after a year. I don’t want to be the one left hurt, while he’s chasing other girls. At the same time I still hope things will be like it used to between us, and that we might be together. I want him in my life, but I feel like it’ll only cause me pain. What should I do?

  436. Kristile says:

    I need some advice….. I have been with my boy friend for about four years, I have helped him raise his 5 year old daughter every weekend since we met. I sold my home when we met and moved in with him ( it was his idea) I have spent the whole relationship building towards our future.He’s eleven years older then me… I am 27. He’s been married once and divorced, he was also with his daughters mother for five years until the baby was born and the mother chose to part ways for a new temporary lover…. After her he started dating me. The past year and a half have been rough, the child’s mother has done everything she can think of to make him think that I’m no good for him or my lil one… She even went to the extreme of lieing to the court saying I sexually assaulted her and have her whole life…. We went to court and had to put her thru counseling and interviews with the state… All to prove that kind of sick thing NEVER happened…. Every weekend she has something negative to say about me, even tells the kid she is gonna try to put me in jail cause I’m the “devil”… The kid dosn’t think that of me, even asked me – if there’s a mothers day n a fathers day why isn’t there a kristiles day? She didn’t understand that not everyone has one of me in there life…. So I survied all the mess, and now my boy friend says he never has seen this relationship going any further then it is…. What does that mean? He wants a companion, someone to help him raise the kid, clean up after him, do all the house work, and I meet those expectations according to him, but the way he sees it it’s never gonna make it to “forever”… So if I’m constantly trieing to build a strong posative life with them and he’s just enjoying the ride until I run outta fuel… he knows me very well, I am and was always willing to take the good with the bad for the hopes of a posative life… But now I’m starting to wonder if it’s worth it…. I don’t have to be married or have kids of my own, I just need to know that the person I’m building with is working towards the same future as I… Do I hang on and hope he will change his outlook as life gets better? Or do I just give up and cut my losses? We have a great relationship until I ask too many questions (in his opinion) asking what he wants for dinner makes him mad, so I have learned to just put food on his plate and if he dosn’t like it he just goes for cereal quietly…. We have taken time apart in the past year due to the mama drama, and every time I call to check on things he let’s it be known his life sucks without me.. So every time I come right back home… Help me make sense of my mess, please.

  437. Better says:

    Leave, he is playing games and there is no telling how long he will have to wait to save the money. Another thing, if he is cheating on his wife, how long before he cheats on you? You can stick it out and have your heart dragged through the mud or get on with being happy.

  438. Samantha says:

    @Molecules: You’ve asked the eternal, burning question…what is true love? It’s the most powerful force in the Universe, it breathes life into human beings, men have fought battles in its name.

    I don’t think anyone really knows what it is, myself included, it tends to be undefinable, but I think many people unfortunately know what it is not.

    First, there is a distinct and real difference between love and lust. Lust is a hormonal response to a physical desire. It’s simple and uncomplicated and driven by one motive. I’m a heterosexual woman, yet I’ve always thought like a man in the sense of knowing there is a clear distinction between love and lust. Many women get very confused and tripped up by this fact. They can’t quite grasp how a man who supposedly loves one woman can have a casual and emotionless sexual encounter with another. It’s simply biological. Now if you are one of those lucky humans that finds a mate that provides both love AND lust, you’ve hit the relationship jackpot. Love coupled with lust is a heavenly experience.

    Love has been described as being patient and kind. I think that’s true. I also think that love isn’t jealous or cynical. Love also isn’t possessive, yet to many the dismay of many, it seems the more we “love” the more possessive we tend to become. It’s such a puzzle.

    What do I think real, sustaining love is: I think its when a person feels such a caring for another that they genuinely want to make their mate’s life better. They want to enhance the experience of happiness. Love is support, love is connecting on an unspoken level. Love is feeling so much happier that the person you love is in this world. Love is being unafraid to shed the armor we carry and let ourselves be vulnerable to intimacy. Intimacy can be both sexual and emotional. It’s peeling the layers away from ourselves and feeling comfortable to be authentic with each other.

    Love wants the best for our mate, not just what we want the best to be for them. And, love is thrilling… the initial passion of romantic love may subside and mellow, but can be easily resurrected at any given time in life when we look at our mate. It’s a heartbeat away.

    I don’t think love is meant to be painful. I’ve experienced too many painful “love” experiences in my life to think I know the difference. Passion can be painful. Lust can be painful. Attachment can be painful. But I don’t think love is. I think love is the opposite of painful, it’s a healing balm. There was a wonderful line from the movie “As Good as It Gets” with Jack Nicholson… Jack’s character says to Helen Hunt’s character “You make me want to be a better person.” Love does that. It makes us want to be the best we can be, because it’s mirroring it back to us.

    Lastly, you can’t really figure out it nor do I think we always have the power to choose whom we “fall in love” with or whom we “fall in lust” with. As Woody Allen said when confronted about his relationship with Soon Yi-Previn, his then step-daughter and now wife of almost 20 years — “the heart wants what the heart wants.”

  439. S says:

    i met this guy who i was deeply in love with but then told me that he’s practically cheating on me…. that RUINED my life in any way possible or not. no kidding. i was relapse for a long time.

    then one fine day i thought of finding a distraction. then comes this other guy in the picture. sadly, it turns out to be another problem where i am head over heels for him.
    he knows that i like him. but he kinda told me that he’s not over his ex.. yeah.

    like now its hard too cuz we’re both in the same situation where we’re both not over our ex. but the diff is he cant move on (which means he doesnt want to), but i WANT to move on.. but with him. if not then im not over with both guys.

    its been months. im trying to tell him that its hard for me too…. everytime i try to… i feel hopeless. i need to let go of him because he has waited for his ex for years… and who am i to just come into his life and make him like me. right?
    and yeah its sick too cuz im just crawling bck to my ex. still hoping.

    well i need to let go both of them…. right? yeah. I’m trying. but everytime, it gets harder. i cant sleep because i am just waiting. waiting. thats all there is to me. hope. i keep hoping when i know its just useless. hoping for the hopeless. everything i do, i cant get him out of my mind. its unhealthy for me. its really hurting me.

  440. Samantha says:

    @Broken: I would leave, honestly and I practice what I preach. I won’t stand in judgment, I haven’t been a perfect person in my life, and yes, I was at one time very much in love with a married man. I wasted many years focusing on my love for him, and not on finding a man who would completely be mine. So I know of what I speak.

    Here’s the thing: Married men DO fall in love with their mistresses. Yes, it happens, BUT they rarely, rarely leave their wives, particularly when children are involved. I know. (See my post below)
    I probably heard everything you are hearing … “please be patient” “I don’t love my wife, but I love my children” … etc, etc.

    OK, here are the realities – chances are he’ll ever save up money for custody. Divorce is EXPENSIVE, especially nowadays when men – who aren’t already self-made millionaires – have mortgages and jobs that may be on shaky ground. The economy is still faltering. Even if a man desperately wants to get away from his wife, finances often necessitate they he stays. I have a very good friend, who at this time, is going through the same thing. We are strictly friends (business associates) and he’s miserably married, but cannot afford to sell the house at this point because property values have plummeted. He’ll lose money, and while he makes a decent living, cannot afford to support his wife and his kids in one house, and rent/buy another house for himself. Doesn’t compute.

    You know what else I realized when I was deep in the mix with my married man, Broken? He “fell” into it with me very easily. Yep, it felt like magic, like it was meant to be, but c’mon … what would have happened if he would have really, truly left his wife and moved in with me? You know what? I would have become a suspicious woman, checking his cell phone for strange numbers, or wondering if he came home late from work, claiming that he was with clients, was he really with another woman, wining and dining like he was with me? Food for thought. Cheaters rarely change their spots.

    I finally extricated myself from the situation simply because I woke up and realized no matter what I may have felt, I was giving away precious years of my life to a man who couldn’t or wouldn’t give me anything else other than some “side time” and romance. That was it. Where was he on holidays? With his family of course. My birthday? Well, if it landed during the week, he would take me out, if it landed on the weekend, I wouldn’t see him. Ridiculous. I finally accepted that I deserved much, much more in life. I deserved a man who loved me completely, someone who was free to commit and be in my life. Really be in my life, not just on the sidelines.

    Broken, I don’t know how long you’ve been involved, or how old you are, it doesn’t really make much of a difference except to say the chances of getting what you really want out of this man – him leaving his wife and his CHILD – are very slim. And if he did — would you completely trust him? We all like to think we are “the one”, the woman who turned his life upside down, the woman who loved him more and better than his wife, but you know what? We’re replaceable. I know that sounds harsh, but men who cheat often do so for very selfish reason.

    I’m going to tell you what I tell other women — let yourself hurt, let yourself heal and most of all love yourself…. if you do, if you refuse to accept less than 100%, then there will be a man out there with your name on him! Yep, he’ll be drawn to you and when he comes, he’s all yours. The world is right again.

  441. molecules says:

    Just wonder what is the real meaning of love?

    Do we have to trust LOVE?
    Does it have to have levels?

    Why do we have to love if we are going to hurt?
    Even we know that we cant or its wrong to have someone who is already belongs to someone else..

    Is LOVE is equal to lust? Physical attraction?
    is equal to matrimony?

    Do we have to consider its love, if he just came to visit and fuck you till he get home to his place?
    Do we have to consider its love, if the guy bought something expensive to his girlfriend?

    Does love have to break rules?

    Do we have to allow things even it hurt us?

    How can we love if its temporary? if it wont be able to do things good for us.

    It’s hard to believe in love anymore…

  442. Broken says:

    so i am in love with a married man that says he is leaving his wife but wants to save money first to get custody of his son, should i stay with him and try to stick it through or just leave…help!!

  443. Samantha says:

    @Fiks: I’ll give you an opinion here … you must forget about this man and move forward. You sound young, and you have a lot of life ahead of you.

    Remember — when a man comes over to your house to spend “alone time,” but will not introduce you to his friends, or take you out on a date, or include you in his everyday life, he just wants a one-sided relationship, a physical relationship. When a man wants a woman to be more than that, he will integrate her into his life and take her out in public.

    Now keep something in mind…this man married another woman. In all probability, he was dating her while he was dating you, and he wasn’t being truthful to either of you. He has now married her, which means not only has he made a “commitment” to you, but he is involved in a legally-bound relationship with her. He’s not able to offer you anything except perhaps a physical relationship at this point… is that all you want from him or from any other man?

    I always tell women this, without judgment: When you date a married man, there are a few things to think about…

    1) Married men RARELY leave their wives for the “other” woman and if they do, guess what? You have to worry about the “other” woman being in his life now. Like Dr. Phil says, “If he’ll do it WITH you, he’ll do it TO you.” Relationships that are born of affairs rarely work in the end (some do, small percentage) and the reason being is the cheating couple who is now married is going into the relationship with distrust and usually residual guilt (from cheating on their former partners)

    2) The “other” woman, the woman with whom the married man is cheating with, often makes the man’s marriage BETTER, yes, BETTER. A man may love his wife but perhaps be frustrated at home with his wife and their love life. If another woman is supplying a need to him, and he’s feeling fulfilled physically outside of the home, he’ll be nicer and kinder to his wife. Yep. I’ve seen it too many times. It’s the old “getting his cake and eating it too.” The man is getting the best of both worlds — he has his wife and his family intact, plus some excitement on the side of his life.

    3) And this is a biggie, but women who date married men rarely thing about it — if you date a married man and “spiritually” put yourself as a wedge in his primary relationship, Karma becomes real. What you put out, you get back. You’ll never find your own man, your own fulfilling relationship, if you have acted poorly regarding another woman and her life. You’ll close yourself off from the Universe giving you good, healthy relationships and people coming into your life.

    My advice is to stay away from this man. He’s recently married and is not going to divorce his wife. If he does, you know he’s a cheater anyway, you’ll always have to worry about where he is or what he is doing. I know you feel love for him, but you’ll heal if you allow yourself to. Good luck. Remember, a good man who is willing to commit to you is out there if you open yourself up to being honest and real.

  444. Samantha says:

    @Jom: You said you were nervous about seeing your friend in the upcoming school days so I’m assuming you are either in high school or college. Either way, it sounds as though you and she have already developed a good, solid friendship. Take comfort in that. Romantic feeilngs are often born of friendships, it can be a wonderful start, however if the other person doesn’t feel the same way, you just need to release it.

    You’ll know if your friend reciprocates your feelings — she will let you know by the way she acts and treats you. She will let you know she is attracted to you in more than a friendly way. It will come naturally.

    Don’t worry or think too much about this. Just be yourself. Don’t make any moves to further the relationship unless you feel a positive signal from her that she wants to be more of a “boyfriend/girlfriend.” If she doesn’t, well then just continue being a good friend to her. Good luck and relax.

  445. Elisha says:

    well Ive been seeing my boyfriend for a while now behind my dad’s back and in order to see him every time and try and not get caught well I did and me and him planned something dareful for me to move out of the house and try and move into a hostel so after I stayed there I would tell the social services to move me to his area so we can live together. So on monday 26th december 2011 I sneeked out and went to meet him I took my bag with my clothes and stuff what I needed after an hour he took me to the police station so i could tell them im really scared to go back home because my dad hitme the other day and my brother and sister always pick on me they both older than me. I know i did this out of stupidity but we love each other and it was the only way to be together without the sneeking around meeting him so we had a chat me and the police officer and we were waiting for the social services to ring back to see if they could find me any hostel family or a flat but they couldnt of my age of 16 that’s obvisiouly a lie because they wanted to send me back home and I have heard it from other people as well so my dad reported me missing and they told him was at the staion so basicaly my dad knows now about me and him but he goes I cant meet him behind his back and tell him to tell his parents as well
    about us but he goes i dont want to bring my family into that i understand you know every time I try and make excuses to meet him either my sister or dad have to be with me I feel like a prisoner to be honest I live in an area within sheffield and he lives in derby he always used to come down at weekends and I used to say come now because he was in sheffield obvisiouly and if he was free no busy its hard now to meet him so he goes I think its best if I move on because I wont be able to come out on weekends and on weekdays he works and something about if he starts to like someone else its fate or something Im still devasted to hear this I really loved him and we had great times together I just dnt understand why my dad cant see me happy if I see him on weekends. whenever we used to meet sometimes my dad found out I wasnt at home so he sent a threat text to him saying something and we both hear the voicemails he sends and I dont like it so my ex said he doesnt want to be involved with my dad because obvisiouly he sounds threatening but only when he’s angry because he gets worried where I be so I just want to know what to do I just want to see him on weekends thats it I dont mind the limit time just want to meet him but I dont know now :(

  446. jom says:

    recently, i confessed my feelings to my friend. And her friends are always teasing us that we are a good couple(not officially my girlfriend). that’s why i’d fallen in luv to her just because of the teasing of her bestfriends. and now, i really confused whether she loves me back or not. and i am not ready to see her in this upcoming school days. what can i do so that our friendships back?

  447. Fiks says:

    Hi
    I was with this guys for five years . He is the guy that always come and sleep in my house .He enjoys coming and staying with me alone .He never introduced me into his friends .We never went out for picnic or to the beach together but he is always sleeping over to my house .I had rumour last year that he was engaged but he denied that .I wanted to break up with him and iventualy we broke up.He did not understand why we broke up and wanted us to be together again . The whole of 2011 we were so inlove .22 December 2011 the guy got married to another women and he did not tell me . I think this is the woman that was engaged to .the following day after the wedding he went to my house trying to explain why he is married. He also wanted to explain that this women was in his life since we were together . He also said he did not want to betrail this woman .What do I do? I still love this guy .Do I leave him ? Do I stay and wait for his love as he promise that he will never stop loving me ? What do I do because he betraid me ?

  448. Nicole says:

    Okay.
    So there are two guys in my life. I was talking to two guys at once, and I feel/felt bad about it. I did it, because I really liked them both. But there is one that I see nearly every day at school, and he sits with me on the bus (let’s call him James). The other guy graduated last year, so I hardly saw him (let’s call him Bob). At the time, I couldn’t stop thinking about James. About a month ago James asked me out, and I said yes. A few days before that, Bob had asked “so what would you say if i asked you out?” My response was “Idk, cause we hardly see each other.” He was very understanding. There has been no drama, nothing wrong, between me and Bob, and me and James. But over a week ago James went with his family to Mexico and he won’t be back until January 4. I miss him, but now I can’t stop thinking about Bob. We’ve talked every single day since James left. We hung out several days ago, but I made me friend (lets call her christy) come with us. We’ve been flirting again ever since. Two days ago I did something stupid.. I asked him if he still liked me. He said yes, asked if I still liked him… And I said yes. I still really like him. We had been saying all these sweet things to each other. I know I shouldn’t have done that.., but I did. But I found out yesterday he has been talking to someone else too. And I think they may be dating as of a few days ago, not even. I don’t know why…but I am extremely upset about this. I know he deserves to be happy, and I’m the one who quit talking to him for someone else. He’s very sweet and deserves the best… But I can’t get him out of my head. I like him, A LOT. And he likes me, but I guess he realized he needed to move on. He has done nothing wrong to me, and I just don’t know how to deal with my feelings right now…

  449. Samantha says:

    @whyme: I read your post and sense your pain. Without knowing the specifics of your situation – your age, what country you live in, for example – it’s hard to share advice however I will tell you what I’ve seen in my life.

    Many years ago I was friends with a woman who came from a tight-knit ethnic background. She was in her late 20’s at the time, and although she still lived in her family’s home, she had her own job and a sense of independence, to a degree. She started dating a man who was not of her same ethnicity and her family strongly opposed it. She chose to continue to date this man against her family’s wishes, and ultimately married him. I saw what a hard decision it was for her, but she was and is happy now.

    I can’t advise you except to say if you are both young and still dependent upon your families it is, as you said, extremely difficult. Personally, I believe a true love can overcome almost any obstacle as long as two people stand together. If you and she truly love each other, then you have to find a way to be together. Sometimes the storm will pass, families will come around and you can breakthrough whatever barrier is coming up against you.

    Is there anyone is your family who can support and stand with you? It sounds as though you family’s opinion and approval is extremely important to you. I can’t say what I think the answer is except that it is your life and as long as no one would be in harm’s way to continue to date, you can do it if you are both consenting adults. If you are not of adult age yet, you will have to wait.

    Good luck to you.

  450. whyme says:

    i have been with my girl for over 2 years, and we been through a lot of struggles regarding family problems and issues… my family do not accept her only because she’s not from same background as me… i really love her and she really loves me and we can’t just run away and be happy because won’t work like that… really confused into what to do =(… please advise me =(

  451. Samantha says:

    @Silverheart: You said you needed advice from someone who doesn’t know either you or your ex-BF so I’ll give you a few thoughts. Since I don’t know the age of either one of you, it’s hard but there are some basic thoughts revolving around any break-up. The reason I pinpoint age as a factor is because I believe breakups that happen when you are age 30-under are different from those that happen when we are 30+ in a sense of getting past the universal “settling into life” phase most people experience.

    First, I’m going to address the issue of family & friends giving their unsolicited advice … you should never feel pressured to make a decision based on what other people think of the relationship. The exception to this rule is if you are involved in an abusive relationship — where there is physical violence and your life is in danger — but cannot “see” clearly. Family/friends are instrumental in helping extricate us from those type of situations.

    “Confusion” and “Love” are not necessarily mutually exclusive — people can still love their partners yet feel they are not a right fit, for whatever reason. Its one of the most heart-rendering experiences we can have it life, to love someone who may not be right for us in the long run. Oh gosh, it hurts.

    Without knowing anything about your relationship since you weren’t specific in your post, I would ask a few questions: 1) Have you been dating for a rather long time? 2) Have you been pressuring your ex-BF to make a commitment in terms of marriage, having children? 3) How old is he? All of these things come into play at some point in a man’s life. Men aren’t necessarily against commitment and building a family, they just need to be ripe for it. It’s fairly straight forward. Commitment, while assuming the basic tenet of monogamy, also holds a broader scope of responsibilities to a young man.

    I’m sorry you’re hurt and I understand the confusion. The only advice I can give you, without know the specifics of why you broke it off, is what I would give others: If he says he’s “confused” you need to accept it. Give him space to figure it out. If you want to wait for him, that’s your prerogative, and you don’t have to listen to others advice, even if it is well-meaning. Just be aware of the “waiting time”… life is short and our youth flies by quickly. Personally speaking, I think a woman should be very aware of the time she gives to a man who will not commit during her marriage/child-bearing years.

    If he was a good boyfriend to you, treated you well and didn’t abuse you, and now just feels confused, either he is just confused, in which case he needs some time to re-evaluate the relationship and may come back, or as difficult as this may be to hear, he may have fallen out of love and is using the “confusion card” to break it off as gently as he believes he can.

    The choice is up to you now. Follow your heart AND your head. In the end, the choice whether to go back to this guy (if you have the opportunity) is up to you. If he doesn’t return, the best advice is to allow yourself the time to heal. It will hurt, yes. A wound usually does. Little by little the emotional scab will form, new skin will emerge and you’ll be ready to love again. It’s your life, don’t waste it. If I had a time machine and could go back 20-30 years, I would absolutely be so much smarter with my time and more loving to myself, not giving my love (and time) to people who didn’t really want it or deserve it. It’s all part of life’s lessons of course, one that I learned the hard way, but it’s a regret.

    Good luck to you, I wish you the best.

  452. silverheart says:

    I need advice from someone that doesn’t know him nor me…I think both me and my ex are getting advice from people we love but I know he does love me and his family and friends are telling him to break it off and I know from my side is the same. I feel as no one wants us to be together and it breaks my heart to know this because like i said the relationship was not bad at all is just this unexpected break up that threw it off

  453. silverheart says:

    My boyfriend broke up with me about a month and half ago. All I can feel is confusion, he told me so many excuses that he will later change as in he didnt mean it that he was just mad at the moment and his head was unclear….in the end he really didn’t give me a solid reason as in why it was over. I tried fixing things and friends as well as family have told me that I need to let it go. That he is no good for me I really love this guy and I just don’t know what to do. He doesn’t respond to my text messages nor my calls. The relationship overall had its ups and downs just like any other relationship. I’m very confuse and I wish I had an answer as into why :'(

  454. R says:

    The heart is cruel. What I don’t understand is loving someone I never had. Someone I worked with over 20 years ago I still think about. Someone who was married, got divorced and remarried recently. Someone who came back into my life via Facebook. I have de-friended her, closed my Facebook account and faded back into the past. She will forever be in my heart but not in my arms. I have accepted it and moved on. Our paths will never again cross as i live elsewhere now. Her smile and bright eyes left a hole in my heart.

  455. Imtoobroken says:

    @toomuchpain, thank you for your reply and sharing your story, I went out with my friend tonight, and you know she said something very interesting and has now stuck in my head, she said ” HE THREW YOU OUT ALL READY AND YOU STILL WANT TO SWIM BACK!” when I heard that I could not say any thing, I felt soo stupid for hanging on to something that I do’t have, Unlike you, I have only been talking to this “selfish boy” for almost three months, and it doesn’t compare to your 11 years, I am so sorry for what you are going through, but I will tell you this, no matter what people say to you, you will always do what you want,we are so much alike in ways that we don’t want to give these men up, but ultimately, we have to think about ourselves, and do things for ourselves, I know I deserve better, and Im sure that you know you deserve better, but right now, these men are the only thing we know, I’m ashamed to be even so attached to a person who never even really cared for me, but I am, I am doing my best to move on, and YES I am still hanging on to every text, a phone call, a quick glimpse of him at work, but as the days go by, I am doing better, and hopefully time will help you too, to decide and see what is really good for you, I’m sorry that I am not in a real position to offer you real advice,caz I am in the same boat, but sharing it here on this web site has really helped, and again I want to thank you, and Samantha for responding to my post, its time for me to heal and move on, I can’t allow this myself to suffer, I have to be strong, and thank you Samantha for letting me that I am only human and I can slip up from time to time, but as long as I get back up, and continue to move forward, I think I will be ok =)

  456. Samantha says:

    @Grace: Hmmm, here’s what I think may be going on. When people with whom we’ve had a friendly relationship suddenly and inexplicably stop communicating with us, it is very confusing and troubling. Usually it is one of two things: Either we have done something to offend/upset/turn them off – either knowingly or unknowingly – or something is going on in THEIR life that is causing them to abruptly stop communication.

    I’ll give you an example: About 10 years ago I went through a really “dark night of the soul” type of experience — everything caved in in my life and not only was I very depressed, but I felt shame and embarrassment — my job, my finances, my social life. I abruptly stopped talking to some friends, even though they didn’t do anything to me. I just couldn’t bear to relay my story or communicate what was going on so I withdrew.

    Now, since you say that this friend has stopped talking to you, but is still talking to a mutual friend, I tend to think there is something that happened between the two of you that is troubling/upsetting/removing him. You may have no clue, as you said. Unfortunately, friends can be “passive/agressive” with each other, meaning something will happen and they won’t react immediately, but given time to ruminate over it, they decide they are upset or angry about it. Instead of communicating openly or bringing it to your attention, it’s easier for them to just stop talking. Also, but just abruptly stop talking to someone, people feel it “sends a message” of some sort of punishment, or disfavor.

    OR, maybe you didn’t do or say anything to upset him per se, but something made him feel uncomfortable about the relationship. You indicated that you both have other love interests so your relationship is platonic, however have you or he ever “crossed the line” with your feelings, either intentionally or unintentionally? Even if you regretted it or backtracked, those feelings linger.

    I’d do this: I’d send one last email written in a very calm and direct manner. Tell him you have always valued and enjoyed his friendship, but you feel perplexed that he abruptly ended communication… ask if its something you have inadvertently done and can apologize for you will, if not would he like to be honest? If he doesn’t reply, I think you will just have to let it go for now.

    Maybe he’ll turn around. Friends often come into our lives for seasons, go out, and come back again… it happens, we all go through phases in our lives, but friends usually work their way back to each other.

    Good luck Grace, feel better.

  457. Toomuchpain says:

    Imtoobroken, I so feel and understand what you are going through at this time as I am also:( My partner of 11 years recently said he was nervous and disappeared for five days not telling me where he was until after he came back. He said he needed time alone to clear his head. In this time he also spent a lot of money on himself on clothes. Then he went off again over a week ago and came back questioning our relationship saying he loves me as a friend even though he still wants us to have the baby we have been trying for as he knows how much I want a baby and he does too. I was in pieces crying and trying to understand what was going on, he said a lot of hurtful things and said he was not happy and basically that we were over as a couple. He talked of still working together and seeing our child when we have him/her etc. We still live together and no one knows the situation. My Mum lives with us which is even harder as she is very close to him and doesn’t understand when he disappears. I tell her it is for work as I tell his Mum and everyone else. He talked about not knowing his purpose in life and crying as I held his hand to understand what was going on, he said he cared too much for people and doesn’t know how to fix things. To say I was confused and unable to understand what was going on and what to do is an understatement.I however love him so much, I just tried to build his positives and see if I could help him. Then last week he told me that he wants to help this woman, I asked him in what way, if he should call authorities etc he said no it is just poverty. He was frowning and I asked him why he replied that he does not know if she is forced into it really or wanting to do it. So I assume she is a prostitute…He always has said that he wished he had money to get prostitutes off the street so they don’t have to do this life. Anyway he even went so far to say maybe we can help her as a couple but I don’t know. He said many other things which would take me forever to write but basically he said to me I care for this person and I want to help, I love her. She does not see me that way only as a saviour, she knew about me and he had offered to go and get a job not work with me to support her. She apparently told him not to and she told him that in her opinion it is his fault that we fight and she knew I loved him.
    This was all too much to hear but I just listened as I cried inside. He told me I am not sleeping with this person nor do I intend to it is beyond that I just want to help them and not give up on them.
    He also has taken a lot of money from the accounts which he refused to tell me what it was for:( I think I am not that stupid not to know.
    He also said that when he first came back he was upset that we had been fighting and that he didn’t care for me, he said destiny plays a lot into what will happen. He said I am always so sweet when I think I am losing him but how does he know I will always be like this. Let me say that he means I agree with everyting and always let him take control. If I question or get upset then that is me not being the usual sweet. Anyway I don’t care as I love him so much. I let him do everything and take over everything here with me and with my Mum that when he is away I am a mess not knowing what to do, not being able to even have the desire to work. I can’t think of a future without him:( We still work together, he still lives with me, we still sleep in the same bed (no intimate relationship as he says he knows if we do he will fall back into my arms straight away without thinking about what he wants in life) He also had talked about if he met someone else how does he explain that, so he saw me as an ex. However since that he has told me that now he cares for me as well, that it could go either way 50 50. He said he does not want to give me false hopes because he doesn’t know what he wants in life and if he can see our future together. There were times I said I love you and he said I love you too. I told him that I never have looked at a person like I do at you and feel such a love inside he told me that it is the same for him. He told me that our baby is important but I am as important to him as well. Hence I am suffering so much trying to keep going. He still calls me his love and the other night during the night he woke me up by kissing me on the arm. I asked him what happened in the morning he said I don’t know. He has gone away again until Christmas Eve and I am suffering immensely. He has still sent me texts but has not rung and each time does not want me to ring as he said he waants time alone. so imtoobroken I so know how you feel, we hang on for every text, every gesture, every thought. When I am with him I forget everything and only want to be near him. Yes everyone I have spoken to councillors, friends say you know this is wrong that you need to make him go. But I can’t and like you I am waiting for him to come back fully to me, I am waiting to take him back and go back to what we were. That is all I pray for. We were getting married before all this just waiting to build enough funds. He is due back tomorrow night and all I do is not sleep and wait for this time to be over. I know that to people outside looking in I would seem pathetic. I asked him once if you were me and this was happening what would you do? He said I am so like you he said I too would wait and never give up hope. I am living a tortured life that I feel will only end if he comes back to me fully and we resume out life together. imtoobroken I can’t even give you advice as you see I am just like you, I can only say that I truly feel what you are feeling and it hurts like hell and just before Christmas…. One of my worst Christmases ever:((( I live in fear that he will just go, so I don’t say anything and put up with what he does. Everytime he was texting or ringing this woman when he would go outside to do so it was like a knife in my heart. I feel lost, hopeless, desolute and stressed beyond belief. I rarely eat or sleep and have neglected my job. I can hardly care for myself let alone my mother:( Additionally I had the appointment with the fertility naturopath re the baby and he was not even here with me:(( She told me stress is the worst thing to not fall pregnant and I told her I was currently very stressed but could not tell her why. I can’t see myself ever going for anyone else ever again I just gave myself totally over to him. I left my first husband to be with him because he promised me a life where he would always take care of me and be close to me and give me a baby I so wanted. I felt so bad at the time for my ex husband to do it but part of me was not happy and he was not even thinking of me at times. Now I wonder if I made a mistake. So many regrets. They are all consuming also. The love we shared with my fiance/partner was so strong, we are so alike as he says we think of things at the same time. We work well together as a team and are known as such. He has had at times mood swings where he is very happy positive and then very low and depressed and gets very angry very quickly. Before he left two days ago he told me to stay calm, he said it is only a few days and I will be coming home. Here I am waiting, pining not knowing what he will be like when he comes but still waiting and waiting to see him again. The other night he got upset because I said will you ever want to go on a trip with me again? He said I am here with you aren’t I, I come home and I started crying and said to him can’t I miss you? I miss you then he went all soft and said sorry you are right and gave me a kiss goodnight on the lips (which he has not done for a while) then when we were in the bed he said I am sorry for doing this to you for hurting you and ruining your life, I am sorry for being so cold. I told him that the fact he is aware he is doing it shows me there is still some of the guy I have loved for so long inside. He said to me yes but it does not make me a better person, because I still think I should be cold to you. I said to him there are times when you don’t think with your head and you do things or look at me and that is with the heart and you show me the love, special moments. He said yes I know. That was also the same night when he had leant over and kissed my arm while he was sleeping. That was th night before he went away. I cling onto these moments like I can’t explain. Even though he has not rung me but sends me texts and not that often, I go over and over these moments in my head and heart:( I know I am a hopeless case but like you imtoobroken I am as the song says.. Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will always be here waiting for you… and I don’t know what to do because I feel each time he goes I get weaker and weaker:….(

  458. Grace says:

    My friend he won’t talk to me, and I don’t know why? It’s been a year since we last spoke, and that conversation was great! We laughed and joked, he made fun of me as usual it was just cool. We planned to meet up, just for a catch up as we don’t see each other often. But I got the day wrong, and had to cancel as much as I didn’t want to, but I really couldn’t get out of it. Anyway since then he has just stopped talking to me!! I tried to drop him a couple of friendly texts about re-scheduling, but he never replied. I then sent him another text a month later, just saying that I know your busy, but are you talking to me? And he never replied even to that…? when we planned to meet another friend was going to be there and before I cancelled she did too, but guess what, he still speaks to her?! He does have a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend, so he shouldn’t feel scared of me trying to come on to him or anything…? Anyway last week I sent him a smiley followed by a voicemail, but he hasn’t replied to that! Can anybody give me some insight into what you think is going on in his head, and why he still talks to my friend (and has met up with her) but not me.

  459. Samantha says:

    @Imtoobroken: Well there’s not too much more I can add from my original post, that pretty much summed up my thoughts but I will say a few things about what I read in your reply post. First, don’t worry about “slipping up” … everyone who is trying to break a bad habit, or heal from something destructive in their lives does. It’s human. The thing is to say “okay, gotta get back up again” and try again.

    The other thing that popped out at me from your post is when you said “it’s out of my control.” No, sorry, never. No matter how it may feel, and trust me I’ve felt out of control in my lifetime, nothing that involves our conscientious decision-making is ever out of our control. Nothing. Other people and their actions are out of our conrol, but ours aren’t.

    Also, keep something in mind, and I know this sounds ridiculous but it’s is scientifically true … people can be addicted to other people, a physical chemical reaction. Yep. It’s an addiction and requires withdrawal. The fact that you acknowledge the he doesn’t treat you correctly and as you said “he has nothing to offer me but heart ache” indicates that you know there is some sort of powerful pull here.

    Think about something else here too — let’s say he comes back to you and says “it didn’t work out with the other girl” and he wants back in with you. You’re back together with him. Won’t you be wondering and always looking over your shoulder (metaphorically) wondering when a new woman-of-interest may be an appearance in his life? Will he do it again? Is this a cycle you would want to live with? Just a thought, may or may not be a scenario, but food for thought.

    Good luck to you, I hope you have happiness soon.

  460. Imtoobroken says:

    Thank you sooo much for the reply, I am well aware that “he wants his cake and eat too” I have been working really hard to get away from him, not replying to his text and everything for a few days, I was doing really well, but I had a slip up on Tuesday, I text him when he text and we actually talked on the phone for about an hour, I did tell him that I didn’t want a relationship with him,and that I had started talking to someone else, I am still very much into to him, and I struggle every day on what to do, I can’t stop thinking about him, even if I know that he is big jerk!!! for lack of better words, I am trying to move on just like he has, I feel bad for the other girl, cause I don’t think she even knows about me, they are suppose to go out sometime next week, in his words ” to see if we have a connection”, they have been talking for as long as we have, I feel like I’m stuck in this, that if that meeting doesn’t work out, he will come back to me again, and I will admit that it is what I’m hoping, I feel like such a sad case and people are looking at me that way, but its out of my control, & he doesn’t make easy, when I have been giving him the silent treatment for a few days, he will text me just one word text, like “nite” or something, and I feel like he is basically saying, “hey I know your out and doing your own thing, but remember I’m here, and I know that you want to be with me”, even if I delete his number, he can still text me =(, and to top it off, there is a possibility that we will be working together next week, I really realy want to move on,and compared to where I was last week and the week before, I am doing really well, I just don’t know what it is about him that I soo desire, he has nothing to offer me but heart ache and yet I continue to hang on to him,and I don’t trust myself, cause I know the minute he saids, I want to see you or that girl didn’t work out, I will take him back! =(

  461. Samantha says:

    @Hurtinstilhelp: Since you asked for help, I’ll give you my thoughts… You’re strongly suffering from regret-remorse and if it’s coming on two years now since the break-up, the obsession is starting to balloon.

    While you didn’t express this, I’m assuming that she’s moved on to another relationship or has told you directly she doesn’t want you back. If that’s not the case, what do you have to lose? Go to her, heart-in-hand, and profess your love, admit your error in breaking it off and see if she would be interested in getting back together with you. If you are suffering this much and don’t know the answer, you must ask.

    If she’s moved on and doesn’t want to reconnect, well … you must let go. All the self-flagellation in the world isn’t going to rectify the situation. You’ll just continue to dwindle in a downward spiral. Now I’m assuming you know that and are just asking, perhaps, how to alleviate the pain.

    Keep in mind since you were the one who “made the mistake” in this case, you are severely punishing yourself. We all make mistakes. Big ones. People lose people they should have held onto, we make poor decisions/choices in other areas of our life, but it is simply part of the living process. You must release yourself. Yes, you are feeling the sting of letting her go, but all the punishing in the world isn’t going to bring her back. It will just continue to lock out any possibility of a new love coming into your life. It may seem like a distant possibility now, but for as wonderful as this woman was for you, there is another one who can be just as wonderful and have your head and heart spinning like a wheel.

    Try to get her back with on bended knee. If not, please consider allowing yourself to heal and move forward. Two years is a long time to be in such a heightened sense of despair. Your life is worth living, and I promise you, as I’ve said before, IF you will allow it, you’ll heal and move forward. Good luck, peace.

  462. Chris says:

    This is not so much a question but I just wanted to use this space to just get everything I have in me off my chest. Its ironic cause I have done this before in my own personal journal and I thought it would be easier after putting it down in words, but the emotions and feelings for her just comes back like waves and I get pushed back to write this all over again.

    My heart broke again when I updated my FB layout (Timeline was my worst mistake). I scrolled through some of my old posts and I came across her post to my page. It’s so cold that FB saves her old post yet updates her new picture. I clicked to look at her profile and found that she had found someone else. I’m not surprised, I knew after 4 long years she would’ve found someone. But seeing her name and the status; I can still vividly feeling that crushing pressure in my chest. My mind was numb. I don’t even have tears for this anymore its been so long but the memories and pain is still there. I’m still a visual person and an emotional one that everything we did when we first met is still imprinted in my mind like it was just yesterday. I’m blessed that at the time when I broke up I found a good job which I am still in and it keeps my occupied and busy. I went back to my old routine before I met her; things like going to the gym, playing soccer I even took up skills I never with have done to try and improve myself, make myself happy. Yet, she never seems to leave my head. Many times when sit and think if she ever thought about me, if she ever regret what she did. I know in truth its probably not the case, people don’t get caught up for 4 long years like me. I’ve dated other women during the 4 years and although is was refreshing, I never really tried because they never really compared to her. Then again I never really tried because I am now more choosing as to who I want to me – I just don’t want to go through the same thing again and I realized my own faults that caused the break-up and want to change that in myself first. Yet, when I saw her status, I couldn’t help but think if I had missed my chances with the other women. In a way, I’m happy I saw that; it gave me the answer that I wanted – she had moved on and I should to. I even chuckled and said “good luck and take care.” I know this will never close the chapter; I was and am too entrenched in what she meant to me. I guess I feel this way because I’m not young anymore, I see friends around me starting to get married and have kids and as a 27 going on 28 I start to wonder where am I in my life? I screwed up opportunities that I had and even though I learned my mistakes I want to correct my wrongs with her, not with someone else.

    thanks for reading, I didn’t have a question I just wanted to find a place to type what I feel right now.

  463. Samantha says:

    @Humble Guy: No, the posts on this board appear to be unisex, you’ll notice both men and women post and write in. This is not my blog or board, I’m just a participant chiming in with an opinion. We’re all in this together, right? If you feel like sharing, by all means do … as you can see there are situations that we can all relate to in one way or another, we’ve been sharing a common bond of love and letting go of someone.

  464. Ali says:

    My advice to you all is that letting go is the best that you can do for yourself, for your own well being, why be deceived? why deceive yourself? I’ve been in many of your situations, tried, tried, and tried with all my might and heart and soul to salvage the love that I shared with someone if there was any at all, or if it was just smoke and mirrors, one never knows. True love conquers all, it does not deceive, its true in its nature and form. Just bear in my mind, and this is what I tell myself, at least I have tried, I have really really really tried, I have very much tried and I have truly and I sitll love many of my exes but I want to be happy and I will not settle for any less than I deserve. And if I do not find the right man for me, the right person, I will not settle, I reather be alone and be at peace than be unhappy. So many men have tried to deceive me but I have not allowed it. I just move on. I rather be happy, then unhappy, happy with myself as a single women than be with a trickster, fickle person, fake, or dubious, or someone Im not sure of. NO. I’m sorry I will not. I will cry cry cry cry but there are other men out there, more fish in the sea. I am sick of these loser men, with the mentality that they have it all, I’m sorry you do not. I rather be alone, enjoy my womanhood, my single status and have fun and enjoy. Have I cried many times, yes, but each time the tears are less, after each experience I had, being with losers, it seems i dot cry any longer, my tears are dry, and those men only cause disgust and joke. I think their jokes. Not insult, I am very respectful, but I do not lose the hope of being with someone who deserves me, and my love. Its true, its better to have loved than to not have loved at all. Because at the end, what goes around comes around, they will remember you, they will cry for you, but you will be better on your own and with the love of your life if its meant to be. Ali :)

  465. Humble Guy says:

    Two thumbs up for these posts. I am not quite sure if these discussions are for ladies only because I noticed they got some responses from Samantha. Just wondering. I have enjoyed reading although. Cheers…..

  466. hurtinstilhelp says:

    I had found the best women I ever met, she was a lil older than me but obviuos it is what I want. She never askd anything of me bsides wantin my hand in marriage! At the time I was scared!! Yeh sounds strange comin from a guy yeh, but the truth is loved her to bitz then I did the most stupid ffing ever!! I walked out on her after 4 years, it’s been 2 yrs now and I can’t get her off or out of my head. plz help!! goin krazy

  467. Samantha says:

    @Katie: Giving you a hug here. Just remember, when we love ourselves enough to “walk through the pain,” to not accept unacceptable behavior or treatment in our lives that we know hurts us, something magical happens … the universe responds to us in kind and brings wonderful new opportunities because we had enough faith in life and in ourselves to expect better. Better will come, trust me. You’re on your way. The pain will pass, and you’ll get stronger and happier.

  468. katie says:

    @Samantha. You’re advice is everything I needed to here, in fact it made me cry because I know you are right. I couldn’t appreciate it more and I know that someday I will be okay. I agree that if this boy really wants me in his life for good then he will come back, but he’s not gonna come back at all if he always has me around. And maybe he won’t but either way THANK YOU SO MUCH.

  469. Samantha says:

    @Erika: Hmmm, it sounds as though your BF is in a “wants his cake and wants to eat it too” mindset. He’s got one foot out the door (with the other woman) yet he doesn’t want to give you up entirely. He’s playing two ends against the middle here. It’s terribly unfair to you and the other woman, yet you both seem as though you are allowing him to continue this behavior based on accepting it.

    My only thought is he will continue doing this until someone stops him. Think about it — he gets to have two women at his disposal, both of whom are giving him something he wants in terms of emotional or physical needs — yet he doesn’t have to choose. You’d be surprised at how many men try this and do it with success (according to them.) I actually knew – this is the truth – of a man who had a wife for years and years (had children with her) and had a mistress for the same amount of years. It was like he had two families. I’m certainly not condoning it, nor can I explain it, I just know that some men think this way.

    How to help yourself? Well, I don’t think I can sugarcoat this except to say — DON’T ALLOW it. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and resurrect your self-esteem. Do you deserve this? Do you deserve to have a half-hearted, half-committed man? No, of course not.

    The only advice I can give you (my opinion, again and I don’t mean to sound harsh) is this: Cut off communication. He’ll continue to vaccillate as long as you continue to allow it. I honestly doubt he is “feeling sad, confused” but I think he acts that way to keep you hanging onto hope… which is incredibly unfair. Again, he gets his cake and gets to eat it too.

    Erika, work on yourself and what you need and deserve in life. You can do it. If there is one thing I say to women – and I know I say it over and over – you havea the POWER. So often we don’t think we do, or it’s hidden out of sight, but it is there. Think about it … wouldn’t you be so, so much happier with a man who says “You’re the only one for me” or “I love you and only you”?…. of course. The only way to get that type of love is to only allow that type of love.

    Good luck Erika, you too will be happier. You’ll see. Once you make the decision not to allow this back and forth behavior from you, you’ll feel a weight lifted off your shoulders.

  470. Samantha says:

    @Innocent: I’m sorry for your pain, I felt it as I read your post. Losing love always hurts. It sounds as though your GF has moved on.

    Women, in general, have this ingrained notion that we must “always be polite” which is not always a good thing when it comes to being honest. You may have not done anything “wrong” per se; but she may have just decided that you weren’t the right man for her in the long term. I don’t know what else to say except feelings change, people change. It’s one of the hardest things to experience in life, but its an absolute truth in this lifetime. Very few people escape experiencing it.

    Let her go. I know you love her. Unless you have done something that you KNOW was wrong — infidelity for example — I don’t think trying to “win her back” will be productive. If she just decided to move on, she will do it. Again, I’ll give you advice I give women: Don’t plead or beg or cajole, it will make you appear less attractive.

    You do sound like a man who has the ability to love deeply and wants to be committed. That’s fabulous — and the right woman will appear to receive that love, trust me. She’s out there.

    Wake up tomorrow morning and say “today I’m going to change my thought pattern” and promise yourself you will set your sights on a woman who wants to receive your love. You’ll grieve over your past relationship, but the grief will lessen as time goes by IF you allow it to and don’t hang on to someone who is not reciprocating. The world is full of attractive women just waiting, with bated breath, to meet someone like you. I know. Own your power, take inventory of all of the great things you can offer a woman, and go out and find one who wants to receive it.

    Good luck Innocent. The pain will lessen and you’ll be happy again.

  471. Samantha says:

    @Loren: I’ll give you my thoughts… First, I want to say I was happy to read that you said two important things here 1) You broke up with him because he wasn’t treating you correctly and 2) You want to move on but just need some steps. I smiled because I know you were honoring yourself and your self-esteem. We should never stay with men who do not treat us correctly, but unfortunately many women do out of fear of being alone, low self-esteem, confused thought patterns, etc.

    Ah, the college years, I remember them well. College is a confusing and exciting time in life. You’re segueing into becoming a young adult, forming stronger opinions in life, finding your way… our tastes change in our lives and our loves. A boyfriend who was “perfect for us” in high school, suddenly isn’t our right fit for us after college. We’ve grown. So have they. Sometimes couples grow together at that age, must more often that not, they grow apart — not out of anger or anything necessarily negative, just growth. What we want/need/desire changes during these years.

    I think that’s what has happened here. The two of you sound as though you also share that “hand in glove” comfortable, satisfying physical connection. Couple that with the fact you stated he’s a “smooth talker” and a woman can be very confused, I understand that. The two of you are doing that “push and pull, we want to break up but don’t want to” dance. It’s painful, it’s sad and it takes courage to move ahead. You loved each other, you grew up together, you share a history, yet you both know deep down inside that there are other people more compatible in the long run.

    My advice and “steps” would be this: You sound like an intelligent, balanced young woman who is open to love. You know what “wrong treatment” feels like, and you don’t want to settle for that. Don’t. Remember you are in one of the most exciting times of your life … the world is open for you to explore, new people are out there for you to meet, and oh what fun you can have. Trust me.

    It hurts the heart. I know. I’ve been there. I loved my college boyfriend very much. I also knew deep inside that he wasn’t the person I should be with when I was 30 or 40 and beyond. It was so hard because we shared such an integral and exciting part of our lives and had a great chemistry together.

    Now, on a positive note I’ll say this: I do know college relationships that have separated apart, both parties moved on, then came back together when they were in their early 30’s or so AFTER both parties have explored life a bit and lived life independently. It happens. That’s when love leaves, becomes free, matures and finds its way back home. If its meant to be, it will be.

    The only way to move on is to make a concerted effort to do so. It will feel uncomfortable at first, but practice makes something become real in our lives. They say it only takes 21-days of continual effort to change a bad habit or thought pattern. Get up tomorrow and remind yourself of the poor treatment from him that you will not accept, because it doesn’t coincide with who you are. It doesn’t fit you. Have fun. Reconnect with your girlfriends. Go out. Flirt, smile, meet new people. It will happen. You’ll find a boyfriend with whom you are more compatible. And, if you are your ex-BF are meant to reconnect to have a healthier relationship, you will.

    It’s your life, take control and live it. You can do it.

  472. Samantha says:

    @Katie: Since you’ve asked for advice, hope you don’t mind if I add mine. I can share with you what I think and will tell you that I’ve experienced a similar relationship when I was younger.

    First, I don’t think a woman can ever force a man to commit…she can cajole, coerce and try to manuever, or WORST – get pregnant without him knowing which is usually disasterous in the long run — but its worth nothing unless a man WANTS to commit. It’s a slippery slope, I know, but its the only way to have a solid foundation on a relationship.

    I think what is happening with you and your BF is this, because it happened to me: You and your BF felt a strong physical pull towards each other in the beginning of the relationship, fell “in love” which is why you stated you “never felt so secure” as you did then. Then things changed … oh my, I know how confusing that is. Why did they change, did you do something terrible, change physically, what was it? Right? Confusing. The truth is men are wired to zero in on what or who makes them feel as “comfortable” as possible, as opposed to women who seek men who make them feel “loved.” I didn’t know until I was much older the different between “comfort” and “love” … men have a great need to be validated.

    Having said all of that, I don’t think you should go crazy trying to find out what you “did or didn’t do.” It doesn’t have to be anything. When people first meet and have an intense physical connection/pull towards each other, it can blindside the need to get to know each other on another level as to whether or not you are really compatible for each other in day to day living. I think that may be happening with the two of you at this point, as he’s stating to you “you are wasting your time.” He may understand in the long run, you won’t get together.

    Why the “hooking up” … well, that’s the thing about physical pull. When people are physically compatible, we become like a “hand in a glove” with each other …. our bodies sort of form together and provide us with an easy and satisfying connection with mimicks intimacy. It causes many people to be very confused in life, trust me.

    I would suggest this and I’m not trying to upset you, but just the way I see it: You can’t force this man to want to be in a committed relationship or to want to feel like he may have in the past. If he’s seeing another woman at this point, he has always moved on BUT he likes having you as a comfortable connection to come back to when he needs to.

    You said last night he ignored you and you felt “hopeless and depressed” … don’t give him that power. He may be playing a passive/agressive game with you, and for whatever reason, it’s fulfulling some sort of desire in him to do so.

    I said this a thousand times and I’ll say it again (just my opinion of course): If you truly want a man (an ex) to reignite his desire for you or to see you in a new, attractive light — MOVE AWAY. Do not beg, cry or plead with him to take you back, to want you again … men do not respond to that, in fact it brings out a sadistic side in many men. They take advantage of that.

    Katie, you have more power than you are allowing yourself. Try this: Next time he says to you “you’re wasting your time, we won’t work” say “Hmmm, yes, I think you’re right. I see what you mean” and try, try, try to move on, even if you are hurting inside. Shift. Change.
    Empower yourself. I can almost guarantee he will try even harder to “hook up” but I would suggest you protect yourself against that if you want a commitment with this guy. Resist against that.

    Maybe he needs some time to come around, maybe not. Maybe he feels he/you are not meant to be together in the long run, maybe not. But the only way I think you will ever find out for certain is to become happier, truer, more secure in yourself and your ability to attract other men and other experience, a woman who will move forward.

    Good luck Katie. Pull yourself out of that hopeless and depressed feeling… you’re not! Or, you will not be once you change your mindset. Love hurts, but it heals.

  473. Erica says:

    I’ve been saint _his Guy 4 years but we broke up.insoluble confused and hurt at the moment I do love him and care for him as well he does for me. He said he would come back home but I don’t know why its taking him so long. I don’t know if he is hurt sad lonely confused or what. Thing with that is he has Been seeing someone else but when he calls me he sounds sad what’s going on I dont think he wants to b there. But get this he tells me he loves me he doesn’t want me with no one else and when he does call me its like for 1 minute I just wish he would let me k ow something. Any advice ladies

  474. innocent says:

    thanks to everyone here for at least sharing,i met this lady before the year 2007 and we become lovers in 6th march 2007 i loved this girl with my whole being,soul and heart,after two years in relationship this lady texted me she cant be in relationship with me anymore without any reason to be honest i loved this lady more than very much i have tried my best for her to tell me what i did wrong but she always say i did nothing,luckly for me today i paid her a visit and whiles chartin with her her mate come in and i did excuse them but what they were talkin of was heard and from their discussion this lady is dating another guy,and after knowin this please what should i do i love her very much,please help me am confused

  475. Loren says:

    I have been best friends with the guy I dated since I was 15 years old. We did everything together when we were younger and as we got older we started to fall for one another. We were in a relationship for about three years..my final three years of college and that’s when things started going downhill. I broke up with him because he wasn’t treating me right but we still talked and acted like we were together. Looking back it was so dumb to stay in contact with him. After some time we stated hooking back up and I would ask him what that meant to him and if he wanted to get back together. His comment to all of my questions were that we just don’t work. I would become angry and tell him that he was only using me and that’s when he would say he loved me and he didnt want me to be with anyone else. He is the type of person that is a smooth talker and will flip any situation to make it not his fault. I dont know what to do anymore. I miss being with him and he is so distant now that I find myself thinking of ways to contact him. When we talk he doesnt sound like he even cares about me. I want to move on but dont seem to know the steps to take in order to do that. If someone has any advice please let me know!!

  476. katie says:

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I dated my bf for nine months before things got rocky, it was perfect. I felt like I was a part of his family and around five months in he was crazy about me and wanted to get married that summer (which was 4 months) away, I said I needed more time to just be with him. Then when summer did come I felt like I really did want to marry him and I told him and he said he didn’t want to get married to anybody. And he kept like wondering how long I would be willing to date him without getting married..and I always said idk. The whole summer was a complete mess of breaking up getting back together etc etc. And this whole fall has been that way too minus we never commit to each other any more because we’ll probably just break up anyways. I really love this guy, and I have dated many guys before and none of them have felt this way. I would really like to get him back to the point where he will commit to me, but lately all he’s been saying is “I’m wasting your time”. and wanting to hook up..of course! I know that he used to really love me, I have never felt more secure or loved by anyone I’ve dated as I have by him. Last night though he ignored me all night and it drove me absolutely crazy and made me feel depressed and hopeless. Please tell me what to do.

  477. kadi101 says:

    @Samantha Thank you so much once again for your honesty and words of advise.. I will most definitely take those steps towards healing as well as using other advises that you have given me wisely.

  478. Imtoobroken says:

    I have been texting this guy from work for a little over 2 months, its only been texting, we never went on a date, but he has come over my house twice, and we have slept together once.I just separated from my husband of 5 years this past Febuary and we were together a total of 11 years, and we have a 2 year old daughter together.The guy from work came from nowhere when we started talking on facebook,he was really sweet and I loved the new attention I got from him, that my feelings developed for him to the point that I slept with him.We talked on the phone only 3 times,and we went to lunch once. I haven’t been intimate with any one even my husband for 2 years until this guy came along.The whole time this was happening this guy knew what he was getting into, the sad part is from the beginning he told me that “in order for me to marry someone that person should not have been married before or have children all ready, I want that to be her first marriage and first child with me”, but even after this he kept texting me and even to the point to where he stated that “he wanted to date me and only me” only for him to change his mind that he can’t be with me for the reasons that he has stated, he has also been talking to someone from an online dating website, which he recently just started talking to on the phone, but he conts to tell me that he likes me, I am so lost at what to do, he has been texting me all weekend and even tonight, but I have been avoiding him, I also just started a new job today in a different place, but my heart is sooooo broken,and I am an emotional mess,I’m not eating or sleeping, I am driving my friends crazy talking about him, and even my ex husband,doesn’t know whats going on but has been at my place all weekend to watch our daughter because I can’t help but cry all the time, I better today but he texted me that he missess me, I dunno what to do, I want to be with him so bad, but I know I can’t give him what he wants, and I don’t want to be his stand by until someone comes along that he thinks is the one he’s going to marry,& I don’t want to be his insurance in case this girl from the online dating doesn’t work out for him, I ‘m not sure if any one who reads this will understand, but I just needed to write this becaz I feel like Im going to explode!!

  479. Samantha says:

    @Kadi101: I would step away from him and any thoughts of a reconciliation for now. He stated his feelings, you need to believe him. You could spend an enormous amount of time trying to figure out the why’s and how’s of how he feels, but you will just be spinning your wheels.

    Remember, if you continue to reach out to him, and appear desperate for a reconciliation, he will simply move further away. Release the relationship. As I said earlier, and this is just my belief, if there is a true bond of love and people are meant to be together — they’ll be together.

    Do I think he’ll change his mind and come back? It’s a possibility, but the chance of that will only happen if you step back, live your life, and allow him the space to miss you and think about your relationship. If you stay in the forefront of his life, by texting or communication while he is feeling this removed from you, it won’t work.

    Start the healing process. It will be hard, but make a conscientious effort to go about your life. Don’t try and jump into any new relationship now for the sake of trying to make him jealous or rebound, that would be unhealthy. I’ve said it before, but the greatest way to either get over a relationship, or become more attractive to your ex (if that is goal)is to become more attractive as a woman in general — someone who is enjoying a sense of independence, someone who is cultivating new interests and exploring greater things in life, and someone who is generally enjoying life. Move forward.

    If he does return to you, I would advise really thinking about whether or not this is what you truly want, AND if the relationship has truly matured and come around to something that will be substantial for the future. We often hang onto people and situations because of our own fear. It’s always more comfortable to stay in something familiar as opposed to unknown, even if the familiar is not in our best interest.

    Wake up tomorrow morning and say “I’m taking my life back…” even if you still feel sadness and grief. Act as if. Get back into the swing of things, even if it means “flirting” with other men. Remember, flirting does not have to always be sexual; flirting is a way to have fun and show people we have an interest in being joy and in life. And whatever you do, I wouldn’t text him. Leave him be for now.

    Good luck, you’ll be fine.

  480. kadi101 says:

    @Samantha, thank you so much for replying it has opened my eyes greatly. But maybe I should just stop trying to be with him because he just flat out texted me saying “I would like to be friends i have no problem talkin aslong as you dont bring things about us or you miss me or anything and I never see you as a gf ever again” then a few minutes after I saw him and he said “I honestly don’t want to talk to you ever again” .. It really hurts to hear him say this because I saw us being together no matter what. Do you think by any chance if I stop texting and calling him he will think or me? Or if there is just no hope at all to expect him to come back.

  481. Samantha says:

    @Kadi101: First let me say I’m sorry for the loss of your baby, I know how difficult it is. I hope you are healing.

    As far as your BF is concerned, I think there might be one of two things going on here. Men also grieve the loss of a miscarriage, although most do it more silently than women, but it still impacts them. If your BF is truly upset that you didn’t share the news with him immediately, then the best you can do, which you’ve probably done already, is offer a sincere apology. Try not to get overly emotional or cry, but just sit with him in a calm way and explain how you were feeling — you were overwhelmed, scared, nervous and experiencing grief and the reason you didn’t tell him immediately was because YOU needed time to process it all. Sometimes we just need to retreat into ourselves before we can come forward and express ourselves to others.

    Give the apology again. I would suggest against any sort of “begging” (as I’ve said previously many times. Begging only encourages a man to withdraw more from a woman, not go towards her.) Tell him you love him and understand he was hurt, and moving forward you understand to communicate more openly with him. The only thing was can do when a person is hurt in this manner is to express ourselves sincerely and openly, offer the apology — then it is in their hands. We can’t force them to feel the way we want them to. Do your part.

    Now I’m going to suggest something else here, and it’s not meant to upset you … just another thought since I’ve experienced this before and have had close friends experience this. Is there a possibility your BF is using this “not trusting you, hurt that you didn’t tell him” as an excuse of sorts to get out of the relationship? I believe he was truly happy about the baby even though it may have been an unplanned pregnancy; but almost all pregnancies bring out some type of unresolved emotion in men.

    You mentioned that he vacillated back and forth in the beginning of your relationship, then decided you were the one. I believe he loves you, but not knowing your age or his, perhaps the pregnancy brought out doubts in him — not doubts about whether he would love or welcome the baby — but doubts as to whether he was REALLY ready for such a big commitment. Perhaps once the “dust settled” he thought about it. He may have had time to think about whether this pregnancy was in some way a way to coerce him into a greater commitment. Commitment is a much bigger step for men than for women, particularly when they are younger.

    My only advice would be to remain as calm as you can and offer up another sincere apology. If he’s still “acting out” — talking to other women, withdrawing from you — you can’t force anything. Perhaps he just has to get something out of his system. Maybe this is his way of grieving the loss of the baby. Give it some time without trying to force or beg him back into the relationship. You said that he told you “you were the one for him.” I am a strong, firm believer that when something is meant to be, hell or high water cannot stop it from being. People who are meant to be together always find their way back to each other.

    Best of luck Kadi, I wish you healing and better days ahead.

  482. kadi101 says:

    I have a major issue with my ex as well, we have been going out for quite some time but been on and off for the first few months because he kept going back to his ex but then came to the realization that I am truly the one for him. A few weeks later I discovered that I was pregnant, he was ecstatic. He told everyone the news and his family was extremely excited. I met his family over dinner and they were making plans about the baby and everything. A few days later, I started spotting and my cousin brought me to the hospital discovering that I had a miscarriage. I was devastated and couldn’t cope with the loss of our first baby. It was until a few days later that I broke the news to my boyfriend. He was really upset but all I was doing was trying to protect him and not disappoint him. He said he can no longer be with me because I lied to him and didn’t tell him the same day in which it happened and he has already started talking to other females! What to do ?? Help me please!

    @Samantha, what could I possibly do?

  483. ImissHimSooMuch says:

    Hello everybody :)
    Iv never commented on these sort of sites before.
    I was with my ex for 2years, burin known him for the past 6years and we always liked each other, but we were also very good friends before we started dating. In our 1st year we both had an amazing time, and I felt asthough he was the best thing that’s happened to me, he was always ther for me, we would meet each other almost every day and loved spending the time together, we even used to talk on the phone and text, but back then he didn’t have a proper job, but I was working full-time, he however got a job early in the year, and that’s when things started to go down hill, wev had lots if problems, we both started to meet less, on days tgat we both had off, and then I also got a job at the same place he works at, and while I was there, things went from bad to worse, we could no longer communicate with each other without arguing, he would always get annoyed at me for lots of things and the major one was that ge didn’t like the way I dresses, so just so it doesn’t upset him, I stared to dress in a way he would like, so I was covered, I didn’t mind doing that for him, but he stared to become really distant with me, he wouldn’t care about me, talk to me or be himself, this upset me slot do I told him and we had a huge argument, and I broke up with him as he said nasty things to me, he then begged me back n I got back with him, i then got a new job, which ment seeing him less, after that things were OK, but not the best, we started arguing more by the day, my bf had totally changed but he wouldn’t agree, We both couldn’t communicate, and hd would say I don’t listen and understand him, which u tried my best to do, we stopped talking/meeting less, I felt asthough I wasn’t geting much attention from my bf, he had an objection with everything I do, from the wAy I dress, to the way I talk, behave, drive, almost everything. It got to a point were I had to even ask him for hugs and kisses, I felt I wasn’t getting anywhere yet I was putting effort into the relationship, I used to get really annoyed, in the past 4 months we started having breakyps over petty little things that neither of us ment, and would instantly get back together, I’m not saying I’m perfect because I’m not, I just need love and affection from my bf and when I didn’t get it, I used to get annoyed and argue with him, he time to do everything, go out, talk to others, spend time elsewhere, but with me he wouldng do that, ge stopped saying I love/miss u a few months ago, he would only say it if I said it 1st, and to be honest I don’t remember the last time he asked me to meet him, it was always me asking to meet up or picking him up and being his taxi driver, on 1st November we broke up again and this was our big breakup, It was both of our fault, we spoke and he decided he needed a break for a while, this is wher u went wrong and started chasing him, and begged him to get back, he got back with me, but still things dint work out, and we broke up again, after a well he told me that we can’t e together as his parents want him getting married elsewhere, which really hurt me, we did get back after that a few times and it just would work out as there was too much tension between us. Just over a week ago we had a huge argument and he made his finale decision of never getting hack together, as wer not right for each other, this is where it hit me, and I went psycho, I was calling and toting himbegging him to get back, and reconsider everything, but he’s had it and doesn’t want anything to do with me. I know I’m to blame off so many things but I geniuenly tried ad much as I could, but when I got emotional and realised my bf is not ther for me in many ways Id get hurt and flip our, and thers been a few times iv used the “f” work, but my bf had a big anger problem he would loose his temper and scream at me and say some very nasty things to me, for atleast the past 7-8 months of our relationship, however now I can’t eat, sleep, or even concentrate on anything, and keeping blaming myself for everything, only if I had one chance I would do anything to make this work, Iv realised how much I love and muss him, but I Feel asthough he’s over me and doesn’t care abt me Wat so ever, it hurts alor, cuz I know he’s put up with alor, but so did I but he’s just bothered about his parents, he says we can’t b together cuz we won’t get married, and then says hd wants to bf single, this has had a very negative affect on my life, I even hav to take lots of time off work, because I just don’t know who I am anymore. Iv apologised so many times, Im just gona leave him alone and not contact him at all because I feel asthough iv not given him anytime to miss me, he says to me, just except it’s over for good and move on but how am I ment to do that in a matter of a few days/weeks. Please help??!

  484. Samantha says:

    @Mongoose: While I don’t doubt this woman of your heart is a wonderful woman, I think you are creating her to be “perfection” in your own mind. People can be sensational and embody all the traits we would hope to find in another, but they are never perfection. We create that in our mind, usually due to an imbalance in the way we feel about ourselves.

    You state you “didn’t want her to get hurt” which implies there are traits about yourself you feel wouldn’t be compatible with a healthy relationship. Change them. Yes, it’s that easy. We have the power to change things about ourselves we don’t like. For example, physically we can’t change the color of our eyes or our height, but we can make our physical bodies as comfortable and attractive as we can. More importantly, if we have habits or traits that are negative such as drug/alcohol abuse, short temper or fear of intimacy, we can make a concerted effort to transform ourselves and rid ourselves of things that don’t serve our higher selves.

    You haven’t found anyone else like her because you don’t want to. You’ve set your mind on “punishing” yourself for whatever reason, and believe that is your life sentence, not to be happy with another. You can find someone else. Remember never to put anyone on a pedestal of perfection, not only is it not realistic, it’s not possible for them to live up to it, therefore they will fail and feel insecure. Find someone who is great for the reasons they are great — for themselves.

    Good luck. Stop punishing yourself. You’re fine the way you are, and if there are things about yourself you don’t want to bring into a relationship, well then take back your power and change them. Life’s too short. Find happiness and share intimacy if that’s the path you seek. This other woman will become a distance and pleasant memory.

  485. LeAnn. says:

    i was with my fiance for two years. at the beginning of the relationship he was homeless jobless and smoked weed all the time. for six months he lived with me rent free i payed and took care of everything. i got sick of the relationship and moved away to a bigger city he followed me there. and eventually we moved in together again. this time he took care of the bills because i did not make as much money as him. i had a mental breakdown this summer. the relationship i had with my ex was emotionally and physically abusive. and if he hit me he said it was because he was protecting himself from me. he never took responsibility for his actions. but i continued to put up with things because i loved him very much. the last few months of our relationship i found out he had secretly made a profile on an online dating website when i confronted him about it he was ashamed and upset and said he didn’t mean anything that he had made it then deleted it. i was unhappy but let it go. we were planning to move into a new apartment because our landlords had told us they didn’t like my fiance and wanted us to find somwhere else to live. i found us a new apartment and was excited for a fresh start a new beginning. a few days before we were supposed to move in. he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore that he didn’t want to live with me. i lost it i was already having a very hard time with depression. we got into a fight and he left saying he was going to go get tea and that we weren’t over hed be back in an hour. five hours later he still didn’t show up. i ended up having a panic attack and overdosed on tylenol trying to kill myself. i ended up in the e.r. then the psyche ward for a week. during that week he came to visit twice and was very distant and cold both visits. after that i called and begged him to come visit me and he would not. i had no visitors for four days. he was the only person i knew in the city i lived in. when i got out of the hospital i called to ask if he would come see me come home. and he said he wouldn’t. i asked him where he would sleep then and he said he had to figure it out. i had a horrible feeling he was sleeping at my friends house. a few weeks ago he had been texting and calling her. i rode my bike to her apartment and found them in bed together. the night he broke up with me and i was dieying of liver failure he was sleeping in her bed. he had been sleeping with her the whole time i was in the hospital. i was a mess i had to move back home to be with my family im only 20, and its now a month and a half later and he and his new girlfriend my old friend are in turkey together living there together for a month. and im in idaho going to therapy trying to comprehend what happened. im still in love with him. and hes extremely cold to me one minute. then calls me when he cant sleep the next. he wont tell me its over. but he says he only loves me as a friend but wishes me the best. im so hurt. i dont know how to heal. or go to bed not crying every night.

  486. Mongoose says:

    For years i adored this one girl. Se showed me all the signs and i was to naive, i didnt want her to get hurt. Being with me would not have been a walk in the park. In the end she dosent even want to talk to me, all i have suffered for trying to do the right thing. Worst of all i cant find nobody else, she is perfection, absolute perfection. Been like this for since 2007, its not a case of moving on, its a case of never finding someone like her again. This is even the first time i have told this story to other people.

    Thanks

  487. Samantha says:

    @Sarah: While I’m certainly not an expert, the healing process is different for each person, although I think there are some parameters between “healthy” grief and “unhealthy” grief. Your break-up is still fresh, so you do need some more time to adjust and as you said “wrap your head around” the fact that the relationship is over.

    When we break apart from someone we loved it feels as though an appendage has been cut off of our body. When I divorced, the first year felt as though someone had cut-off my arm … there was literally a sense that a piece of me was missing. My “arm” grew back as timed healed. I had been with my ex-husband for many years and loved him very much, so I knew I had to be gentle with myself and allow for healing over time, but I knew not to allow it to destroy my life. I valued my life too much for that.

    What’s healthy and what’s unhealthy? Well, I think the sadness, crying and hanging onto some hope is healthy … in the BEGINNING. I think when it crosses over the line to become “unhealthy” is when your longing for your ex or your grief is starting to impair your judgment, or is really holding you back from living in the NOW, living for yourself and moving forward to new experiences. For example, if in a year from now you still do not want to socialize or attempt to date new people, I would categorize that as “unhealthy” and suggest perhaps therapy would help. If you stop eating, or start drinking alcohol to excess, or acquire any habit that is damaging to your physical body or self-esteem due to the break up — that is unhealthy.

    You’ll love again. Trust me. I remember dating again after my divorce and comparing everyone to my “ex”, which was ironic because my ex treated me horribly during the last period of our relationship, right before it’s end. Why would I want that, right? I didn’t, but I still couldn’t help fantasizing and comparing other men in terms of physical looks, the way they touched me, etc. Finally, I moved past it. I remember my good relationship after my divorce changed all of that. I really liked this man, and he made me see the good in him, and the bad in my ex, which I realized then I didn’t miss. I still had love in my heart, but I didn’t miss the “bad bits” so to speak.

    If you keep yourself healthy, eat right, stay away from any type of drugs or excessive alcohol, exercise and meditate (prayer, or whatever form of personal reflection you choose) I promise you you’ll be able to KNOW when something is unhealthy for you. Our bodies are designed to take care of themselves and help our mind know right from wrong. You’ll heal. The wound is still “fresh”. Just follow what is best for YOU now, and please don’t keep going back to him for any communication he may not be offering. Even if it’s hard … push yourself to move ahead. Baby steps if necessary, but steps.

    Good luck. I KNOW you’ll get through this.

  488. Sarah says:

    @Samantha, thank you so much for replying. You have no clue how much I needed to hear what you said. I would like to ask you one more thing. How do I know when my heartache has turned unhealthy? It seems like every time I start to think I might get better, I realize I still haven’t wrapped my head around the fact that we are apart, and then I feel overwhelmed and really sad. Is it healthy? When should I be better? Will it happen when I go on dates? It’s hard to believe that this man who said he wanted children with me 2 months ago, doesn’t call a month later, you know? I’m sorry to be depressing or dramatic..your advice just really touched home

  489. Samantha says:

    @Sarah: Sorry you’re feeling so despondent about your break-up. I’m going to share a few thoughts, just from my perspective.

    Now that I’m a little older and wiser (said with a smile), there is one thing I’ve found to ,be tried and true…when a man tells you he is not ready for a relationship — believe him. In fact, when it comes to relationships, most men will be up front about how they are feeling. (The only exception to this rule is when someone says to another person upon breaking off the relationship “it’s not you, it’s me” … usually it is you.)

    I know it’s hard to hear but most men are not ready for a fully-committed and monogamous relationship in the twenties. The twenties are the decade for dating, for exploring options, and for most men “sowing their oats.” Not all men, but most. Does that mean your ex-BF didn’t love you? Of course not. Men fall just as deeply in love as women. The twenties are also a time of passionate love. It’s just that it is a time in life when we grow, explore and try to figure out what will best serve us as we head into our maturity.

    Do I think your ex-BF is telling the truth when he says a reconciliation is possible? Yes, of course. If you two truly loved each other and were compatible, then a reconciliation is a possibility but think about a few things… Do NOT, repeat NOT put your life on “hold” waiting for this reconciliation. Go out and meet new people, force yourself to date, even casually, just to remain open to love. Even if your heart is still with your ex, put your head out into the world. It will help you heal. Sitting home, playing tapes of your ex over and over in your mind will only cause you to become more despondent.

    Also – and I’ve posted this before – men do not respond to “begging”. In fact, it turns them off. Women who come off as needy, anxious, desperate, or clingy post- break up almost always turn off their boyfriends. Anyone who is too available, too anxious usually become less attractive to a person. It’s human nature. There’s always that element in life where people want something they cannot have. The opposite is true, what we usually can have, and can have very easily, becomes less of a longing for us. In other words, its too easy.

    My suggestion? Live life. Let your boyfriend go for now, you can’t cling or hold onto him, it will only drive him further away. Keep in touch as a friend, but do not plead or contact him excessively. Make yourself more attractive to you and to him. Do things to expand your life. Meet new people. Work on yourself, your happiness, your allure as a woman. He’ll take notice of that. Do your own thing. Don’t be too available to him. When you do speak, act like you are happy with your life and yourself. If you don’t feel that way, well, “fake it until you make it”… it will become a reality.

    Remember “if you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be.” Good luck. Dry your tears. You’re a young woman with so much life in front of you. If you really want to stay hopeful for a reconciliation, walk away from him. Trust me on that. Keep in mind that if and when the time comes that he discovers he truly does miss you and want to reconcile, you may have moved on and found a new love! Good luck.

  490. Sarah says:

    Hi! I just woke up from one of those difficult nights and I started wondering if how I’m feeling is normal. I searched on google and found this and I see that some commenters are leaving advice, so I would love to get some feedback, it would help a ton.
    My bf and I dated for over 2 yrs, and he moved back to his hometown 4 months. He broke up with me just over a month and a half ago. He is 24 (I’m 25) and he cited that he’s nowhere ready to settle down and he just wants to focus on himself ad wants to enjoy hanging out with his guys and family. He says he’ll always love me and that we are friends and that he could see us reconnecting later, but when I ask if he does want to get back together at some point, he just says he doesn’t know. He barely talks to me, has called without being asked once during this period and if we talk for more than five minutes he gets annoyed and reminds me that he doesn’t have to sit on the phone like he use to. But when I ask him to just say goodbye, he says he’s not ready. I don’t understand why if he won’t task to me, but won’t close it off either.
    I feel silly for still crying myself to sleep sometimes and for random mass texts I send. I feel out of control you know? Idk what to do to feel better. I’m holding out hope, as stupid as it is, but I can’t seem to stop.

  491. Ron says:

    thanks for a good post like this..it helps..:)

  492. Samantha says:

    @Muriel: I have a thought, hope you don’t mind the input.

    Ah, unrequited love, what a powerful pull it has on our heart and mind. If I were you I think I would think of it this way. First, you say that you have a fiance whom you “love very much.” That’s wonderful and it sounds as though you have a solid start to a good marriage with your fiance. Don’t jeopardize that.

    Now, if at any time during your relationship with this other man, and I’m assuming the two of you have been friends for a while, he has ever given you any indication that he may return your feelings of love, then you might want to just very carefully and privately put your cards on the table.

    Have you ever watched the sitcom “Frasier”? If you have, you’ll probably recall the episode where Niles finally gains the courage to tell Daphne how he has felt about her for years, on the eve of her wedding, after he himself has just gotten married. As it turns out, she has felt the same way about him and they both know that they belong together.

    If you think there is a chance this man loves you too, AND that are you confident he will keep this conversation private and between the two of you, maybe you should tell him that while you love your fiance very much, he (this man) is very much in your heart and miind and you have to one and for all find out if he may feel the same way.

    Now, there’s a big risk with that … he may not feel the same, in which case going back to a friendship may be difficult. Or, he may tell his fiance who, if she is vindictive, may tell your fiance. OR, he may feel the same way as you but for some reason cannot or will not break up with his fiance.

    Or, he may confess he has felt the same way about you all of these years and wants to be with you too. In that case, you would both have to separate yourself from the others to finally be free and be together.

    Good luck with whatever you choose. If you marry your current fiance, may you have a long and happy marriage.

    If you think it might be the right thing to do and confess your feelings for the other man, here’s a little encouragement for you…Remember — “Nothing ventured, nothing gained” and “the heart wants what the heart wants.”

  493. Muriel says:

    I have been with my fiance for two years now, we got engaged exactly one year after first meeting. I love him dearly, but there is another man that I am also in love with. I’ve known him for six years and he always was with his girlfriend. He just recently proposed to her. I never said anything because he had a girlfriend – now he’s engaged – ready to be married early next year. I hate myself for this but if the world was a perfect place and I got my way and they were both single….I would take the other guy, the one I’ve always loved. It’s hard knowing that he’ll be getting married and possibly moving away, building a family, etc. I love my fiance and I want those same things for him as well. I’m just simply in love with two men. Now, we’re both engaged so there will never be a future. It breaks my heart, but that’s life.

    So how do I deal with it? I dance in a ballet and put all of my love and emotion into my dances as if he were watching…the only one watching. He’s my drive.

  494. Samantha says:

    @Kiss Me Like Heaven: I read your post, and although I’m not quite sure from reading it what is going on, I’ll give you my thoughts. From what I understood of the post, you are not physically together with this man, but having a long-distance phone/internet relationship. I know you’ve met in person in the past.

    Cyberspace/long-distance relationships may work for the short-term but rarely work long-term. Human beings need physical interaction, not just sex mind you, to continue growing in an intimate relationship. Internet/long-distance can be exciting at first because the fact that the person isn’t with us, makes our minds and hearts fantasize more. In the end, we’ll want someone to hold us and talk to us face-to-face.

    Many people use LD/internet relationships as a way of protecting themselves from true intimacy, yet it gives them validation and expression. We can say “I love You” or “I miss you” with passion over the computer, but it takes a raw emotion to say it in person.

    If he is pulling away, I would let him and just try to make peace of it. Here’s something I have learned and think everyone should know: BEGGING doesn’t work. Ever. Ever. It might work in the short-term by guilting a person into staying around you, but its human nature for people to become turned-off when someone begs. It makes us want the LESS, not more. Don’t beg him. If he doesn’t answer your texts, let it go. If he does come in and out of your life, you can control that. If he says “we should be together” well… let him move to be with you.

    When we’re with the right person, love isn’t painful or confusing. It fits like a glove. The other person compliments our lives and we theirs. Lasting love has its challenges and will cause people to sometimes leave their comfort zone, but it doesn’t tear away at a person. Good luck.

  495. Kiss me like heaven says:

    Hello. I found your website and read the articles and comments. I am in a long distance relationship or maybe not anymore..I am in the verge of letting go of this someone that I love. not deeply, but true enough to make a two-month long relationship run. We used to hang out together way back when he was in the Philippines. We used to call ourselves “drinking buddies”, he was with someone that time and I was too. All I know is he only studied here for a few years and went back to the states to continue his studies. Years after, when the social network facebook came and I created my account, he messaged me not long after saying he has liked me and he is looking for someone to settle with. I told him I am on the same situation, so we agreed to start a relationship with each other and agreed to live happily ever after. And so I thought it was a dream come true for me, I wasn’t expecting anything, but I was hoping. Then we had our differences, he wopuld complain on how I am being too negative, that just by small things, he will make it big. we had two big arguments for the two monghts that we have been together(long distance). After our second argument, he has tried to avoid me already, not answering my calls or messaging me. I had to beg him to message me and talk to me. Ive tried to rach out to him, hoped my messages touched his heart. I asked him why he is doing this or if he wants to break up already because of his silent treatment. by the time he texts, he doesnt even answer the same question I ask over and over again. It’s like he would prefer to answer other not-so-important things. Why is he doing this to me? Why can\t he just tell me straight out what he wants? Im about to give up on him coz I can’t move on if he will be like this all the time. Please advise me…thank you so much

  496. Eric says:

    My soon to be ex-wife has almost ruined my life!!!! About six months ago my wife left me. She said it was due to my use of drugs( prescription and non- prescription). I did have two neck surgeries and one lower back surgery in a 31/2 years. I did became addicted to the medication. My pain was terrible!! I was on the prescription drugs for about seven years. I agreeed to go to a facility in Palm Beach Florida. Now, i didnt like the idea of having to go to Rehab. But, i new what i needed to do. I completed rehab about two years ago and have been off the pain pills since the day I left. I have done street drugs before earilier in life. Not everyday not every weekend . I did it with friends ocassuay. Thats no excuse and i know that. She had a problem with alchol through our whole 14 years together. We had terrible arguements about it. She would be out with friend giong to different bars until sometimes 3 or 4 am. She would go out with her friends 2 to 3 times a week. I loved her and i just thought it would pass (her drinking so much) I knew she had a problem and she knew she had a problem with alcohol. She would come home in the early morning hours after had been out drinking for hours and just yell, curse me a new one and I had know idea where all the madness was coming from. So, as you can see we had our fair shrare of problems.

    We opened a business together about two years ago. We took on a huge project in building from the ground up. I worked day and night to meet our grand opening deadline. I felt when we started remolding we should have goals and meeting our grand opening deadlinewould be a good goal to start with. Well the business took off and we were doing well. When the bussiness started doing well i could go back to work doing what i wanted to do professionally. I went back to work and suceexed at a very fast pace.

    A few months passes and a couple of her friends came to our house and had drugs on them. Shepassed out from having to many. One of the girls left a small baggy on the kitchen counter. When I was cleaning up I put itinto my pocket and forgot about it. Well she was doing laundry and found it. I didn’t tell her which girl brought it over. The reason I didn’t is because I knew it would cause a fewd between them and I just wanted it to go away. This was Friday night and she found it on Saturday and left me on Monday while I was at work the only thing was a hand written letter on the counter saying she left and she’s at a friends house and ivwas not going to hurt her ever again.

    Well we talked on the phone for the first two weeks or so. We even talked about working things out. I then began getting harder to get in touch with her. ibfoundout she wassleeping with a guy that mutalbfriends knew about. Friends that would look me in the eyes and carry on a conversation with me know ing what was going on. I t got bad she had me served divorce papers. Took out a restraining order on me. I choose to move away.

    Well, that was hard to write!!!!! But , I needed to do it . Thanks for reading and I hope I didn’t confuse to many people.

  497. Humble Guy says:

    When I first met her, she was a woman of my dreams after a 20 year divorce. The first 18 months of relationship was the best love scenes ever which we met each other often by having a 4 hour drive distance which took our time even though I drove there to visit and stay at her place often. She was my true love in my whole life. Unfortunately, her last visit south to see me was back on 2/14/2010. However, we signed a 18 month lease moving into an apartment which I was hesitant because I own a townhouse south from her, but I gave it a try. A couple months later after we signed, I feel unloved when I finally moved in due to the fact she spent a tremendous amount of time on a social networking internet nightly into morning which made me feel not enough undivded attention often and I felt so lonely in bed without her physical contact which led to an abrupt scene and she pulled a necklace love jewelry I gave away on the floor of her car and it was the best interest for me to go home to avoid physical harm. I had no intention of doing that.

    To Make A Long Story Short, her daughter just wanted to spend her mother’s birthday lunch last June and left me alone in her apartment, Know what ? Her boyfriend came along to take both of them. My love did not do anything about me and she went with them along. That hurt me so hard, eventually she and I went out for her birthday dinner and it was not elated because she was full already. Also, she said she will not use internet during my two week stay recently during Thanksgiving, but she did not keep her words. She told someone that she chose her daughter over me and she denied, but later she did tell me in person because she is a cancer survivor whom I respectfully cherish. Also she did not invite me for three months earlier because she did not believe my painful tooth which forced me to go back home where my dental network was. I felt she harsh me a silly thing and called me a liar..I am never a liar. Why cant she come with me and comfort me ? I have had always comforted her many times and she is not well due to previous injuries. My emotions were increasing too much and I am not interestd in feeling so much pains. So many people are very supportive to me what I had been through what I’m feeling unhealthy. Struggling is not my interest because of my age going into a big “6” next year.

    Now, our lease is expiring in a couple weeks (thankfully I will save extra few bucks in my pocket) and she knew I will not renew because she indicated to me she chose her daughter over me, so it is obvious she does not love me permanently. Her daughter told me that she has a place to live with her friends if her mother wanted to move north. If she chooses me to live with me, she would have saved her finances well by paying less than what she is currently paying rent, utilities, bills etc. I had tried to work it out with her but she seemed not reasonable with me. She now has 14 home pages on the Facebook about victims, molestation,etc where she is fond of protecting every child from sexually abused by priests. That made a huge toll on her time by replying posts and had little time for our romance attention.

    I really love her, but I cannot stay in relationship the way she treats (she never cooks one of my favorite foods almost three years).

    My friends keep telling me to let her go and there are plenty of fish in the sea waiting to meet with me.

    Heavy sighing.

  498. Samantha says:

    @Jesselee – I don’t know whether I’d phrase it “are we too broken to fix” rather more “do we both want to fix this?” … it sounds as though you want to fix it, but unfortunately your ex boyfriend does not. I believe that he loved you, treated you wonderfully and was an active participant in the relationship in its inception.

    Unfortunately men have much fragile egos than women. Yes, its true. We tend to think that women are more fragile, but men take rejection very hard, although its usually inward. When you pulled away from your ex first time around, he probably felt you knew better than he, and something wasn’t right about the relationship or him.

    Another truth that I’ve found – and I don’t mean to assume that my findings are universal, but what has been true in my life — is that men usually move onto another relationship faster than women. Not always the case obviously, but usually. Once they find a new spouse/girlfriend, its much easier for them to release the former relationship.

    I think you may be hanging onto this relationship and beating yourself up a little too much because you regret pulling away at first. We can’t re-do the past. It’s over. The worst way to impact our future happiness is by living in the past. It’s like putting a car in drive and looking in the rearview mirror, neglecting the road in front of you.

    You mentioned you didn’t feel good about yourself when you met your ex. Work on that. Keep working on your self-esteem, your positive attributes, improve yourself for yourself … you understand. You will get over this relationship and find another one better suited.

    I’m a firm believer that if a relationship is TRULY meant to be, separation or forks in the road will not derail it forever. It will come back together. If not, bless it for coming into your life, take the lesson and the love, and move on.

    Good luck Jesselee.

  499. Samantha says:

    @ConfuseMe: Your ex-husband knows you well enough to know your weak spots, where you are soft. He is also classically passive/agressive. You sound like a lovely woman, but I get the impression that you are the “nurturer” in your family, the caretaker and the one who has always put others first to take care of them.

    Release the guilt. Whenever you start to feel guilty, think on this: No one is reponsible for another persons happiness, but themselves. It really is that simple. I suspect that while your ex may still “love” you – we often can have some love in our hearts for an ex long after a relationship has ended – he doesn’t really want to get back into the relationship either. He’s probably aware that it’s over, it wasn’t meant to last longer than it did, but he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his own life. He feels that’s your job.

    He doesn’t have a new love yet and you do. He’s resentful and this is a classic tactic. He’s angry that you were able to move on faster than he. Do not buy into this guilt. You were a good wife for 25 years, and it sounds as though you are still willing to remain a friend. He should be grateful for that.

    He’s a grown man. Should he find someone else, he’ll disappear. Stop punishing yourself for something you shouldn’t be punished for. No guilt. Life goes on, we love, we lose, we move forward. You cannot live his life for him.

    Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. Be happy and give your new spouse 100% of your joy. Once you don’t allow your ex to manipulate your emotions, he’ll move forward. You’ll actually be helping him.

    Good luck!

  500. Jessalee says:

    My biggest problem is that my ex was wonderful, he was smart, good looking, had a good job, romantic, treated me like a princess. However, when I met him I didn’t feel very good about myself so I didn’t treat him how he deserved to be treated. I then broke up with him, and when I did I realised what I’d lost. He wanted to be friends and although it was very difficult for me I spent 6 months trying to hang out with him as friends but every time I saw him all I wanted to do was be closer to him. We had the most amazing time together when we hung out which just made me want him more, and I knew he felt the same.

    I begged him to take me back but he said although he still loved me that we probably aren’t right for each other. I tried to sleep with him and he resisted, until one day he gave in. When I realised he still didn’t want to get back together I told him I couldn’t be his friend anymore. Surprisingly he turned around and said he still loved me and wanted to try again but that he would need some time away from me first. We agreed to spend some time apart and he kept saying he loved me and would come back for me once he sorted things out in his head.

    It’s been a month now and I saw photos of him with another girl we met together on facebook drinking in a hotel room with another couple. I don’t know if I should jump to conclusions about this or not but it was not a nice feeling at all. I don’t know if I should continue to wait for him or if I should just move on. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him, and although he said he loved me and would come back I’m scared waiting then him saying he has moved on. Is it possible that we are to broken to be fixed now?
    Sorry for the long post, but I don’t really have anyone to talk to :(

  501. this love has taken all of my energy. says:

    I met this guy this summer and we hit it off right away although we didnt spend too much time together in person because not to long after we met I moved to another province, but we kept in touch… Everyday single day, for 2 and a half months.(he is moving close to where I live in 2 weeks now, this being the reason we stayed in touch) anyway… things went wrong somewhere, for some reason, and Im confused!!!! he is in the military and he has said he wouldnt want a long distance relationship because he needs the attention and affection not just part time. but then he will say things like he misses me and cant wait to see me ughh its just a huge head game and Im the only one hurting from it. I wish so much to be able to let this go, but i feel like my heart my mind, my emotions wont let me. he has me wrapped around his finger and he knows it. i know a lot of people say this but I truly have never felt this way before. I think because this “relationship” we have has been more emotional then physical and Ive never really had that before. I had a much different way to connect with him then anyone before. I’ve tried to be positive and optomistic, i tried letting go and didnt contact him for two weeks but i eventually gave in and contacted him. so we talk, on a friends based relationship with the odd i miss you. but it still kills me inside, cuz i have these emotions i just cant seem to shake. :s

  502. CONFUSME says:

    After 25 years of marriage I left my husband (too many details to share, and though it was initiated by me, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done)it’s been four years and all this time he’s been vacillating between “winning me back,” punishing me away, ignoring me or brooding and letting me know how I’ve ruined his life. It’s very difficult for me NOT to take all this onto myself and feel responsible. It’s been four years and now I’m engaged to be married and yet now I still can’t be happy because each time I get excited about my future with my fiance, I remember how this will affect my Ex and then it takes away my joy and in it’s place I feel sick.

  503. Samantha says:

    @Meg – I felt your heartache as I read your post. It sounds as though you are taking very positive steps to move forward, not to dwell, and that’s wonderful… I commend you. Thinking thoughts of them together, fantasizing about the past is unfortunately “normal’ post-breakup, we’ve all done it and I think it’s just part of the healing process, letting go. We tend to grieve for “what could HAVE BEEN” as opposed to “what really WAS” — the scenarios in our head and the ex-partner are always greater and better in our post-break up fantasies.

    A little tidbit that might make you feel better: A leopard never changes his spots. Yep. Or rarely changes his spots. So if you are thinking that his new, skinny girlfriend is inheriting some sort of new and improved version of your ex, think again and chuckle. She’s getting the same guy who took advantage of your kindness, the same guy who had problems with unemployment, and the same guy who picked up and moved to a newer model girlfriend. She’ll now be dealing with his unemployment issues (Yes, I know he’s currently employed, but any issues he may have had holding down job will resurface, trust me), she will now be dealing with his bad habits, poor character traits, and get this …. she will now have to look over her shoulder with anxiety wondering when/if he is going to trade her in for a new model, younger and perhaps skinnier. Life works that way. People rarely get a free ride.

    I know your ex probably had good points, otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten involved with him in the first place, but don’t focus on those. When you wake up, especially when your mind drifts towards him and his current life, focus on the reality: The reality that he didn’t have the character to appreciate the hard work and numerous contributions you made towards his life, the reality that he seems to be swayed by superficiality, and the reality that you seemed to put more energy into the relationship than he. It’s exhausting. Let his new GF deal with that nonsense!

    YOU DESERVE BETTER, but I know you know that. You sound like a smart, vibrant woman who want to grab life and live it. Take this time for yourself, treat yourself like a princess. Pamper yourself, open your mind, see new things, meet new people. Then when you are ready go out and find a man who will love you equally, and man who will think you are fantastic the way you are, and will say to you “Thanks honey, I appreciate all you’ve been doing for me” when you reach out and help. An equal and loving partner. He’s out there and your name is in his heart.

    Good luck Meg! I know your heartache will ease, and you will get through it.

  504. amywreckedmyownhome says:

    Wow Meg I’m sorry to hear that’s terrible, it sounds as though he didn’t appreciate all that you were doing for him. From my experience it is going to take some time, longer than you’d like, but the advice here is great. Whatever reason he had for leaving was on him, and when it comes down to it we don’t have control over anyone but ourselves. Let yourself grieve and it will begin to hurt a little less over time.

  505. Meg says:

    Just read my post and realized, somehow, the description of his new girlfriend got cut off: skinnier AND 10 years younger than me. I guess I’ll add this too. I worked 2 jobs supporting him and his family because of his unemployment issues. He got a job and dumped me. I’m shattered.

  506. Meg says:

    Thank you for sharing your healing words. I too googled how to let go of someone you love and found this. I’m 4 1/2 months out of a 5 1/2 year relationship and so broken hearted. He has been in a new relationship for 4 months with a woman skinnier.

    I have really tried to do the work needed to heal, but yet I still wake up with thoughts of them together. I don’t want him back and I can honestly see that this is the best, but I do miss him and feel betrayed.

    I try thought-stopping throughout the day when thoughts of him, or they, or all that I did for him (which was off the charts) and how I ruined the relationship and on and on…obsessive. I say STOP. I ask the question to the emotion like Dr. Quantum says, “Who is sad?” “Who is angry?” (The meaning for that is that it helps you get in touch with the observer in your life. The YOU now is going to brunch with friends, or on her way to her awesome job, or going on a date or blading or…something fun… You don’t “identify” with the “WHO”, you just ask and often I found that helpful.)

    So here I am…I’ve listened to Power of Now; Getting Unstuck; Caroline Myss on Self Esteem, etc. I’m trying. I’m in therapy.

    AND…. I am doing fantastic fun things like travel, new hobbies, fun friend stuff. trying to date… ALL OF IT…

    AND, here I am reading and searching for peace.

    Any words of wisdom for this shattered girl/woman? Feel so broken.

    Thanks for the awesome site.

  507. amywreckedmyownhome says:

    I have to say, as saddening as it is to read your comments, it is a bittersweet relief to know I’m not crazy for feeling the way I do. When I was 18 I met my college boyfriend. I was totally infatuated with him and couldn’t see myself spending my life with anyone else. We dated all through college, he was a year older and thus graduated a year before I did. His home was 300 miles away from mine, so the only time we were together was during the semester. Long distance relationships, for those of you who have been in one, are tragic. We dated for almost 5 years with the usual break up or two lasting at the most a month. The problem became that we just grew apart, or that’s how I saw it and we fought constantly, I was always angry and lonely. I spent most of my time alone, because I didn’t have any friends in town. He could not move closer to me because of work, and I couldn’t move closer to him because of family. This too became a problem and drove a wedge between us. I felt that if I couldn’t bring myself to move to be with him, than it must not be the real deal, and I ended things…it took all summer to convince him I was serious, and to convince myself I wasn’t making a mistake. Once it was definitely over, I felt relieved and moved on quickly and met my current boyfriend, we have been together for a year. At first things were great, we didn’t fight, I was sincerely happy, he is someone I can really be myself with. I was doing so well, until recently. The past few months I have found myself thinking of him, missing him, crying for what I have lost, wondering “what if” the worst part is in the beginning I fought so hard to keep him, at the end I fought so hard to get rid of him, and loved me deeply. Do I accept that we broke up for certain reasons, and slowly move on, do I need to end things with my current boyfriend, he is a wonderful person I don’t want to hurt him but I have not been myself and the relationship is suffering.

  508. Samantha says:

    Forever Wanderer – I read your post and had a few thoughts … 1) Part of you doesn’t want to let him go and 2) You made him your only goal. Both are destructive for trying to move forward.

    I get it, my ex-husband was the love of my life. When he left my life, a large piece of me died. My heart was shattered for a very long time, but I did recover. Life plus time has a wonderful way of healing us, regenerating our spirit, if we allow it.

    When someone breaks up with us, or leaves our lives, no matter what the reason it is a huge blow to our self-image and egos. Naturally, the first thing most people think is “why wasn’t I good enough?” Many times that has nothing to do with it… if a person wants to leave for whatever reason, they will leave regardless of how wonderful/awful the other person may be.

    I think you are still stuck in the “I can fix this” mentality, holding on hope that the relationship can be resurrected and repaired, and that this person will care for you again. That’s why you are having these dreams, because of the frustration of not know HOW to go about repairing the relationship. Truth is, if it is over, it is over. Relationships can certainly be repaired, we all know that, but BOTH parties must want to continue to stay in it and want to repair it.

    You said you feel normal otherwise — you work, you study, you feel happiness. That’s great and a wonderful foundation to move on. It sounds as though in your case the first step in truly moving forward and to not continue having flashbacks and dreams is to really acknowledge that the relationship is over. Remember, if it isn’t over, HE will make a move to reconnect with you.

    The reason you weren’t able to forge a “new” relationship was simply because you didn’t allow your heart to be in it. You may have been with a different person, but you put your intention on the former partner. If I were you, I would step back, take a breath and stay single for a while – as long as you feel comfortable and can then truly say “I’m great the way I am and I deserve someone who will love me for me and return my love.” It’s really a pretty simple formula for all of us, but we allow our neediness to get in the way (myself included).

    A healthy love relationship = two people of equal commitment to each other. Long term relationships (marriages for example) will always have “ebbs and flows”, one partner may feel “not in as love” at any given year in the relationship, but the common denominator is that they will still WANT to stay in the relationship if push came to shove.

    Move forward. You have your life in front of you to be happy with someone who wants to be happy with you.

  509. Forever Wander. says:

    Throughout the entire time I was heart breaking, trying to recover from the lost of my love- I never thought of “trying to forget” or “to let go”. It just so happen today that I typed in the google searching bar “how to let go of someone”.

    After reading so many comments, my emotions are increasing and I feel so much pains. So many people are going through what I’m feeling. Some are still struggling, some are trying hard to forget, some are in my position- still trying to let go. Part of me, I do not want to let go and forget that person, but holding on to him just making if difficult for me to move on with life. He has been my only goal, and with him being away, I’m floating around with no direction.
    When I thought I can set my mind down, ready for a relationship- I have dreams about him and those dreams can last for a week continuously. It scared me, so I broke off with new relationship. I tried many new ways to let go, and yes, it works. I do not feel pain. I do miss this person. But instead of fading away, that feeling is just being buried in my mind, and when I’m trying to look for a new goal, it digs itself back to the surface and cling on to me.
    Turning my head back, being with this person- is not what I want. I’ve realized. The past IS the past. No matter how much I try, that kind of feeling won’t be the same. So… What do I actually want? What do I actually miss?

    Please help. Please explain to me. Let me know. What is going on. What’s wrong? I function like a normal person. I work. I study. I’m happy. I’m content. But my heart is hollow. I can’t feel. I can’t love. I can’t decide.

  510. Samantha says:

    @Angel – Letting go of close friendships at your time in life can be more painful than breaking off a relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend. The college years are so transition, learning, difficulty and excitement, there is so much growing. The feeling of intimacy within a friendship often blurs with romantic feelings due to the comfortable nature of a friendship.

    Sometimes great love relationships start as very close friendships, without romance being the initial force. From your note, it seems as though bringing a physical/romantic aspect to your relationship was a mistake.

    Remember, friendships are only healthy when both people put in equal energy. If one friend is always calling the other, chasing after the other’s time, then it’s not healthy. If you both want to continue a friendship, but feel odd because of the romantic gestures that took place, start over. Go to your friend and have a heart-to-heart talk, tell her that you valued her platonic friendship and don’t want to lose it. Tell her you’d like things to go back to the way they were. If she doesn’t want to, well you need to gently let it go. If she does, start fresh.

    You’re at an age where relationships will be formed at a faster pace, some will stay for years perhaps, some for shorter periods of time. That’s the way life is designed. People come into our lives and leave, it just is what it is. Often its painful, often its to teach us something, but when we hold onto something that doesn’t want to be held, it blocks our progress in life. Good luck, be truthful and honest with your friend and see how it goes.

  511. Angel says:

    I am recently dealing with the break-up from my best friend. I met her my freshman year of college, and now I’m a senior. In the last five years she has walked in and out of my life when she feels like it. Its hard because we have so much in common we both lost our moms at a very young age, we both come from successful christian background families. So I feel like if know one knows or understand me, she does.However our friendship became more than just friends. we started to make out, and it confused our friendship because it felt more like a relationship. I am left feeling sad, confused, hurt, and betrayed. How do you let go of a best friend who you confide in about everything. How can I distinguish if were best friends or we reacted to our feelings instead of keeping our level of a friendship with just a friendship.

  512. marv says:

    Wow, love and sharing eachother can b one of the best things u can do, but when it goe’s wrong wow it can leave u empty and numb!!! I’ve tried 4 a year and a half 2 win back my 2 beautiful girls mum, she fin it and I moved out since then she’s had another guy on the go and wow it broke me, that’s fizzled now, but I’ve gave up now after her being in my head everyday and nite my last thought b4 sleep 1st whn I get up just wanted my family back. But as I’m giving up she’s now started 2 change and and give me the feeling she’s trying now, she knows I still love her but nothing’s been said. I’m too scared 2 bring this up and get it out in the open, bcoz the fear of hearing her tell me that she doesn’t love me anymore would b soul destroying!!! I don’t what 2 do I’ve nobody 2 turn too and I’m soooo tired of the situation, just want someone 2 share my life with… What do I do??? Any magic med or the perfect woman out there???

  513. Samantha says:

    @Nancy – I feel your heartache. You’ve had a lot of emotional adversity to deal with in a short window of time. When we lose our financial independence, it allows others to make emotional decisions for us, which is often horrible and painful. I also know how difficult it can be being a person over a certain age in this extremely difficult economy.

    A few thoughts: I know you said you tried to find homes for your cats, but try some more. Have you asked neighbors, or a local church if they can foster your cats for a temporary period (in their garage or someplace safe and not too intrusive on their lives?) There are tons of animals lovers out there who don’t necessarily wear it on their sleeve. Beware of online posts, but I would find a local newspaper and seek out animal shelters — not to board your cats in the shelter — but make a phone call. Find someone who volunteers, they are the animal-lovers. Ask again. Don’t put your cats down yet, you love them and it would be too heartbreaking to bear on top of this other trauma.

    As far as you moving, that can be trickier but set a goal. Focus and visualize yourself moving out of your daughter’s house, I think you need to soon. Think outside of the box. I did during a period of transition for me, when I was confused an low on funds. If you want to move back to San Antonio, you’ll have to investigate a communal-living type situation if you are not financially able to live solo. What about trying to find a live-in caretaker or child-care position? It would get you private living space and a salary. It might not be the optimal job for you, but it would allow you breathing space to investigate what else is out there.

    If you stay in New Mexico, think along the same lines. Perhaps look for a private room & board in exchange for house care or another trade-off.

    Take a deep breath, you’ve been through a lot. Start by trying to find your cats a foster place to stay, on a temporary basis where you can visit and care for them. Then, seek out a private living situation for yourself along the lines of a barter. Post on church bulletin boards, even if you are not of a religious affiliation. Wonderful people go to church (some not so wonderful, but many wonderful, compassionate ones.) When I was in a difficult situation, I found a community within that sector, and they really did help me. Accept the help, knowing karma is great and just pay it forward.

    I wish you the best.

  514. Nancy says:

    I am sinking into heartache. I’m 61, took care of my mother for 15 years until it became impossible (she has dementia), my son became her legal guardian, we sold Mother’s house, placed her in a wonderful facility, and I moved from Texas to New Mexico to live with my daughter and son-in-law while getting on my feet. I am battling intense homesickness and I feel guilty about my mother. I have become estranged from my younger sister during all of this as she thinks I stole an “inheritance” from her (utterly untrue). Now I can’t find a job. I brought my three ancient cats with me. They live in my daughter’s garage because my daughter is allergic to them. Now she and her husband want me to “get rid” of my sixteen year old cats because they want their garage back. I can’t find homes for them. It looks like I’ll have to have them put to sleep since I can’t find a job soon enough to move them with me. I am utterly heartbroken and don’t know which way to turn anymore. On top of all of this, I have discovered that my daughter and I have issues I was never even aware of. All I want to do is go home! And I can’t because there is no place for me to go. I was born in San Antonio and lived there my entire life – sixty years. I can’t face losing my cats, too. What do I do now?

  515. Samantha says:

    @Stephanie – I read your post, maybe I can add something that might help. Just a note to anyone posting on the board — it’s easier if you break your comments up into paragraphs, it’s difficult for others to read one long run-on paragraph.

    Stephanie, you are currently in a verbal/emotionally abusive relationship. I know, I was in one. Whether or not your partner knows or acknowledges he is an abuser isn’t relevant, the relationship will continue to tear down your self-esteem and cause you to become a shell of a person. My advice: GET OUT NOW, while you are young. From what you wrote, you are not truly intimate with him, and he doesn’t offer you love. If you are staying for financial reasons, try and work that our, find a way.

    I understand that you love your children deeply and it’s a huge motivating factor to your decision-making, but keep in mind NOT making a decision to help yourself will directly affect your children. Another thing I will tell you, and I am older than you are by quite a few years is — TIME GOES QUICKLY. That’s not just an expression, it’s the truth. When I was in my 30’s I remember thinking “Okay, well I’m still young, I can take my time doing this, that, etc.” and before you know it you are 40 years old. Nothing wrong with being 40 of course, but remember … there are many mountains in life that are harder to climb as you get older. Relationships, finding the right career, are just some of them.

    As far as your FWB is concerned, the alleged father of your second child, here’s what I think you need to do immediately … get a DNA paternity test to prove conclusively if he is or isn’t the father. Now keep in mind a paternity test CANNOT force this man to want to be in your daughter’s life or love her but it will clarify things. A paternity test will legally give recourse for financial support. As far as emotional, forget trying to force it. If there is one thing I stress to people I counsel, it’s this: YOU CANNOT, REPEAT CANNOT, FORCE A PERSON TO CHANGE, TO LOVE YOU, TO ACT A CERTAIN WAY. People will only change if they want to, and that’s a difficult road to get to. Also, love is love. If a person doesn’t have love in their heart for you, again, it’s not something that can be forced. It can grow, but only if the person does it of their own volition.

    You made a very telling comment when you said you didn’t want to get out of one bad relationship to get into another … SO TRUE, however what I think you may be missing is this: You should never jump from one relationship to another simply because you are afraid of being alone. A person is almost guaranteed disaster/heartache when they do that. It implies that you are not good enough alone, have enough self-esteem to sit back and try and find a suitable partner, one who mirrors your feelings and returns the love. A healthy relationship can only be formed when you are not in a state of fear or desperation.

    Stephanie, you sound like a good woman, a good mother and you have your whole life ahead of you. Use these years wisely, do not throw them away on men who do not reciprocate or want to truly be with you. Remember, we teach people how to treat us. I’ve learned and witnessed over the years that the fastest way to get a man to treat you terribly, to WANT to leave you is to become clingy, fearful, pleading and begging. It’s like a man will use that to torment you further, and he will become very turned-off by that behavior. He may stay for financial reasons or because there are children involved, but ask any man who has a partner like that and he will tell you is causes him to not want to be anywhere near them.

    So my advice is to get out of the emotionally abusive relationship, forget about trying to make your FWB into anything other than a FWB because he has stated he doesn’t want anything else. Believe him. If he is the father of your second child, well you can look into support options for your child, which would be prudent. Many women cannot or do not heed this advice simply because they cannot support themselve on their own financially — and I understand that, trust me — but there really is no other way to extricate yourself from an unhealthy relationship. Try and find a way. If you cannot, at least do not continue to make yourself a victim. Meaning, don’t beg, plead or chase after his love. Just be. Be a good mother, take care of yourself if you have to live in the same household.

    Good luck to you. Use your head, and remember, we often have more power than we ever realize if we will only love ourselves first.

  516. Stephanie says:

    Hi, I’m a 30 yr old female in need for advice, or just someone to listen. I’ve been in a relationship w/ a guy for over 7 years. We have a 4 yr old daughter together. I can’t say that our relationship is completely bad I know there are women who may wish they have my life. The truth is I’m so unhappy. This guy is very controlling any time I go out I get interigating when I return. He always points out the negative what I
    Ve done wrong calls me named and when I try to talk to him and express my feeling he gets so defensive and says I shouldn’t feel that way, he yells at me and mostly I get a fuck you and the back if his head as he walks away. I guess some would say our relationship is a verbal/emotional abusive one. I’m not who I use to be I don’t know who I am any more. I feel lost and selfishy think “really is this what I have to look forward to the rest of my life.” there is no Ramance it’s always what he wants to do and if I want to do something I’m selfish is what he says. Our sex life is him turning on porn than ripping my paints off. There’s no making love. I know what live is suppose to be like I was in a loving relationship before him. Anyways, I met this other guy who I had gotten to know and formed a good friendship w/ him. I think I started using him as an escape and b/c I actually had fun w/ him, he listen to me never yell and we laugh about things. B/c of all that compared to how I feel w/ the guy I’m w/ I think I started believing that I was in live w/ my friend. Sex not meaning anything else than what it is to me now b/c its been so long since I made live and actually felt the intacimy, my friendship w/ him turned to a FWB relationship. Four months ago I had another baby girl. She looks just like my FWB. Although the guy that I’m w/ claims her. Our relationship has not improved we are still disagreeing on everything, fighting, he’s threaten to hurt me and I’m not sinew how many times he’s called me crazy and a bad mother. I was going to plan on taking the truth of my baby’s dad to my grave. But she is such a good happy baby. She’s beautiful and I felt it was wrong of me not to say anything. The biological father has a right to know and be apart of her life. I think I was hoping that I would finally end it w/ my guy start a new relationship full of happiness. When I told him he said nothing, i asked if he wants to meet her he said no and that I am just his friend and that’s all I’ll ever be. I feel so bad that my baby’s dad wants nothing to do w/ her b/c of me. I excepted it and trying to move on putting my kids above anything else. I am a good mom, they are my life. I’m w/ them every waking hour and if I do go out for me time which I need for my own sanity I do not leave until after I tuck them to sleep. I know that my relationship w/ my FWB is exactly what it was. I know the mistakes I made and I know that what the best decision is to end it and end it w/ the guy I’m w/ move out on my own, I’m trying to figure out how, I know though if my relationship doesn’t change my soul is going to die, every mean name or yell is like another stab. I want to find me again, I miss that girl. And that’s who I want my girls to remember their mom by. I’ve pretty much been thinking for along time that I have to be the one to make the change. If I’m depressed only I and the help of God can change my life to make it happy. I’m very confused to why though, I feel so sad knowing that my baby’s dad doesn’t want to know her. Even if he did end up liking me any relationship is ruined, I will not get myself out of one unheathy relationship just to get into what probably would end up being another. But why am I sad he doesn’t even want to meet his daughter, I just hope if she finds out that she won’t hate me. Thank you for the ears, and allowing me to write

  517. hardtoaccept says:

    I am an expecting Father, who has had a wonderful experience and relationship until after the pregnancy. My gf & I were together for 10 months before we got pregnant, & she pushed for the pregnancy continuously for a few months, even keeping an ovulation tracker, so this is definitely what she had wanted. She often spoke of marriage and our family & future. She has two wonderful children by her ex-husband who really isn’t there for them. About 6 weeks into our pregnancy, she completely took on a different perspective on our relationship, I do understand hormones can play a part in this, but she has became so distant with me, and does not want to spend any time together, no intimacy, and I can honestly say that I see only resentment in her eyes and no care about us whatsoever. Being 4 months into the pregnancy, I have tried to have a heart felt, sit down talk about things, and explained that I honestly feel alone in our house and undesired by her, (I dont mean sexually). She said she knows that shye is being unconcious about us, and my feelings, and said that she cant even bring it to herself to hug me, even when she feels like she wants to. She says she feels like a complete different person and has never experienced this before in her past pregnancies, and that she does feel like it is the pregnancy thats altering her emotions, and she cannot understand why. She initiated a couple months back, that we go to counseling, and after seeing that our relationship is in serious trouble, I have brought up this subject and even sought out counselors in my area, but she now says she is busy with other things, and shows no desire for counseling. I truly feel like she is planning on leaving, even though she says she does not intend on leaving. I recently asked her if she thought she would still say yes, if I were to pop the question and she said no, which left me devastated. I am focused on our child, but also on our relationship & being together as a family. She has no care, or doesn’t show it at all. It seems as if I am living with someone I don’t even know. I’m not sure what to do anymore, she even said to me the other night, that she knows she is being hurtful and she wouldn’t stay with someone like her, but she doesn’t know why she is being this way & said that she cannot control it. I asked her, after that if she would like for me to leave and she said not really, that she feels like things will change after the pregnancy, but then said with a non-caring expression, “you do what you want, its your choice”, “I want us to heal and want to raise this family and see love & care in you again, and will be patient, because I believe in us.”, I explained. This is really tearing me apart inside and no matter what measures I take, nothing is working for us. Part of me says (be patient and wait it out), and part of me says (there is no way that hormones can make someone be unloving and uncaring all together, and that I should accept that she doesn’t really want to be with me anymore”. I understand mood swings, nesting, placing a little distance and such, but not caring at all and realistically giving up, I do not understand or think that this is because of the pregnancy. This change in her has only been towards me and no one else that she is around. It is so hard to enjoy our decision to give life and start a family, when this is the result. I often pray & continue to believe and hold on.

  518. Samantha says:

    @Dan – Your tale is heartbreaking, and it seems as though you have gone through, and are still going through, a lot of pain. There are few bonds as powerful as those shared with a parent/child, even if the child may not be biological. First, I commend you for being able to get back up on your feet and pick your life up after the devastating fall. We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for, or acknowledge.

    Your third wife sounds as though she is very emotionally disturbed and angry. To have such anger in life usually indicates the person themselves was abused or hurt greatly when they were younger. There are a few steps I would suggest to continue your healing, some sound “big” but they will help you:

    FORGIVE — yes, I know this is a biggie for most of us. Forgiveness never means that you condone what the person has done, it just means that you are releasing the anger that poisons us.

    PUT THE PAST IN PERSPECTIVE — The past happened. We know that. We can’t erase it, however it doesn’t ever have to dictate our future. Each day is truly a new day, a day when we have the power of our mind to decide to create and move onto a better path.

    THE CHILDREN — If you still have such love in your heart, remember, do not give up on the children even if they cannot physically or want to see you at the time. Time is a great healer, and as they get older and become adults, they will be able to make their own decisions. Don’t give up hope, all is not lost. I know of many people who reconcile relationships with their children as the children mature.

    I would reach out to your ex-wife but in a calm and detached manner, meaning don’t come across as desperate or angry to her. Be balanced. If she won’t communicate with your for now — fine. Let it go. Remember, she may want a battle. Don’t give in to it. Just stay as calm as you can