How do you let go of the person you thought you couldn’t live without?
Letting go of someone you love may be the most painful thing you ever do – and the most important. Here’s how to let go and move on.
These tips on letting go of love will help you remember that “relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting them back together.” ~ Unknown.
This is one of my favorite quotations on letting go of love because it’s true – sometimes it’s worse (in the long run) to try to get back together. Sometimes you need to keep forging ahead, and learn to survive heartbreak.
I wrote a book called 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love in 2010, and just updated it. I co-facilitate support groups for people coping with loss, and have learned so much about letting go of love. I want to share with you what I recently learned.
So many people are struggling with the same thoughts, heartache, and shattered dreams. It helps to know you’re not alone, doesn’t it?
How to Let Go of Someone You Love
Here are a few tips for letting go of love…
Remember both the good and the bad parts of the relationship
When you’ve lost someone you love, it’s easy to focus on the great parts of your relationship and life together. But, there was a reason you broke up — maybe even several reasons! Don’t ignore the “bad” parts of the relationship and idealize the best parts…instead, keep reminding yourself that you’re letting go of the past because holding on to it isn’t good for you.
Accept that your loss may always hurt or confuse you
Some things, we never ever get over — but we can still live full, rewarding lives and achieve our goals! Part of letting go of someone you love is accepthing that you may never have all the answers. For instance, my sister cut me out of her life five years ago. She told me she didn’t want to speak to me again and wouldn’t tell me why. That was the ultimate lesson in powerlessness and letting go…and that’s why I wrote Letting Go of Someone You Love.
Accept your lack of control over other people
No matter how “good”, smart, helpful, giving, or attractive you are, you can’t control other people. If they leave you, they have their reasons…and sometimes those reasons have nothing to do with you. The sooner you accept your lack of control, the easier it’ll be to let go of someone you love.
Rebuild yourself
Your losses, heartbreaks, setbacks, and disappointments have made you a different person — a better, more unique, more compassionate person! Instead of mourning what was or what could have been, start something new in your life. Think about what goals you should set for your life. Volunteer, take a solo vacation, join a new gym, take a night class, join a support group, check out a new social club, quit your job, and set new life goals. Rebuild your life — set new life goals.
Part of rebuilding yourself is focusing on your future. If you feel hopeless, read 5 Tips for Staying Hopeful.
Remember that letting go of love doesn’t happen overnight
Letting go of the past isn’t something you do once – and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy! Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days. I grew up in foster homes, and was constantly saying hello and good-bye to new families, friends, and cities. I learned how to love, let go, and open my heart to love again.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, my friend. Maybe you can’t see it yet, but you will soon.
Do you feel like you can’t move on? Read 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love.
If you’d rather focus on reconnecting, read How to Get Your Ex Back.
Dear Sad,
It really is devastating that your husband was having an affair for so long! It’s unfathomable, hard to believe, and shocking. My heart goes out to you.
I don’t know if he’s still lying to you, or if the affair is over. If your gut is telling you he’s lying, then…I think you need to trust your gut.
But, letting go of your husband is certainly easier said than done! I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Have you decided what you’re going to do?
I found out 2 yrs ago my husband of 20 yrs had been having a 3yr long affair with a co-worker. I say it was 3 yes because that’s as far back as I could prove it. It is certainly possible it was longer. I am devedtated! I never dreamed he would do something like that once…but to carry on for YEARS just is I fathomable. Now 2 yrs almost to the day (5/9/11) and it still seems unreal. I had so much faith and trust in him and to know he lied straight to my face on numerous occasions!! Ugh!! My reason for commenting is to ask.. What are the chances it’s just over like that?? He swears he has not spoken to her since but I don’t believe him. Things like that are not just over with that easy. They had to have spoken if for no other reason than to say goodbye but my husband says no way. But my gut tells me he’s lying!! What are the chances a long term relationship is over with no closure?? Really??
Dear Hurting,
I am sorry that you’re hurting. The pain of losing someone you love seems like it’ll kill you — I thought I’d die when I lost two of the most important people in my life! But I didn’t die. I slept alot, cried alot, and grieved alot.
And then I moved on. You asked me what I think you should do, and I think you should accept that your husband wants out of your marriage. I think you should focus on grieving and healing.
What do you think?
I’ve been married for almost 2 years and my husband told me he wanted out of the marriage. He says he doesn’t love me any more and hates is life with me. Our relationship as been rocky from the start. He comes with a lot of baggage: Baby mama drama, felonies is his background and mommas boy. We have been to counseling and things were getting better, he was counsel to cut ties with his mom because of how it affected our relationship. So he did, however it came the time he needed a ride from his mother and ever since they started communicating a lot more, we started falling apart again. He moved out about 3 weeks ago now. Can would text me for sexual favors, however I never accepted. I finally got a text from him stating not to contact him anymore and that the next time I heard anything from him was for the divorce he also stated he was going to find someone and move on. He stated I should do the same. I’m so hurt cause of all I did for this man from; Finding stable employment, get him out of jail, I never cheated, I helped him become a much better person inside and out. I just feel used, how can it be so easy for him get up leave? To tell me he will find someone soon? To tell me he hates is life with me? We’ve never even had a honeymoon because he can’t leave the county, I was a prisoner in my own home, all his restrictions I followed them as well. How can someone do this? I’m devasted!! what should I do?
Thank you, Jazz! I’m just starting my Quips and Tips/Bounce Back Babe newsletter. That’ll be the start of my online group, I think.
I appreciate your feedback, and hope we stay connected
Laurie,
Your words are full of hope and caring. Have you ever thought about forming an online group?
I recently updated my ebook about Letting Go of Someone You Love, because of my experience as a support group facilitator.
If you can find people who know how you feel, you may find it easier to move on and love again. There really is a lot to be said for being with people who have “been there, done that.”
Dear TN,
I understand what you’re going through. I really do. Some person has also put me through hell. But time will heal our wounds. I’m sure… just give it time, although now it may seem impossible. But I can guarantee you, you can move on. YES you can!