Aug 232008

When you have no choice but to leave a relationship behind, you need help learning how to let go of someone you love. These tips on letting go will help you move forward in your life. When you’re letting go of someone you love, you need to try different things until you find what works for you.

letting go of love

“How to Let Go of Someone You Love” ebook

When I wrote 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love, I interviewed life coaches, counselors, and grief coaches on letting go. I know how shocking, confusing, and heart-wrenching when your partner leaves. It’s devastating – and it changes how you see yourself. I believe learning how to let go of someone you love is about rediscovering your passion and identity.

These tips are inspired by a reader who asked for help detaching and letting go of someone she cares about (her husband), even though he’s not quite “gone” yet. Here’s part of her email: “My husband of 3 years is planning to leave me without an explanation,” says Michelle (not her real name). “He is in a band and tours every now and then, but that has never been a problem till this tour… within a week of being on this tour he started distancing himself. No calls, hardly any replies to my messages on Facebook. I want to know how to let go of someone you love because I believe he will leave me.  How do I start over?”

In this post on letting go of someone you love, I focus on reconnecting with the most important person in your life: you. In my “letting go of someone you love” ebook, I offer more in-depth information.

5 Tips on Letting Go

It’s important to remember that letting go of someone you love isn’t something you do once – and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy. Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days.

1. Accept that you did the best you could in your relationship. Don’t waste your time or energy feeling guilty or bad about the choices you made in your relationship. You did the best you could, you loved as much as you were able. No matter what you did or didn’t do in your relationship, it ended — and it probably would have ended regardless. If you want to be happy and healthy – which involves learning how to let go of someone you love – you need practice acceptance.

2. Decide what needs to change in your life. You have to actively decide you want to let go of someone you love.  Who do you want to be? Where do you want to live, work, love, play, and laugh? Instead of mourning the fact that you have to start over because your relationship ended, I want you to try celebrating it. Stop focusing on your ex and the pain. Instead, focus on the excitement of a new beginning and fresh start. I know it’s easier said than done – especially if your husband left you for another woman – but it’s better for you in the long run.

letting go of someone you love3. Accept your lack of control. To let go of someone you love, you need to accept that you can’t control many things in your life. You can’t control who loves you, who leaves you, who helps you, who betrays you. You can’t control your neighbourhood, the traffic, the weather, or the economy. Of all the things you want to change in your life, remember that you can’t change people. You can sometimes change circumstances, and you can change your attitude and response to events and people…but you can’t change your husband, children, coworkers, neighbours, or family members.

If you need a more step-by-step approach to letting go of someone you love, read How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Good-bye and Getting On With Your Life by Howard Bronson.

4. Tap into your soul – start over spiritually. The happiest people are those who are in touch with their spirits. Adding spirituality to your life not only makes you feel better emotionally, it improves your physical health. Tap into your soul by meditating, praying, taking time to really listen to your heart, reading Scripture or other soulful books, and talking to people about spiritual matters. The end of a relationship – when you’re trying to let go of someone you love – is a perfect time to start getting back into your spiritual life.

letting go of someone you love

“How to Let Go of Someone You Love” image by Laurie

5. Get outside help on how to let go of someone you love. A life coach, counselor, financial adviser, or even a professional organizer can help you let go and move on. Whether you should hire a life coach or talk to a counsellor depends on your situation. If you’re struggling with self-identity, major life changes, fear, anxiety, depression, or your marriage – then I encourage you to talk to a counsellor. Therapists can provide objective feedback and guidance that our friends and family can’t offer. If you have money problems, financial advisers can help you become financially independent. Professional organizers can help you declutter — which can improve your physical and mental health!

Here’s another article I recently wrote on how to let go of someone you love: How to Get Over a Bad Breakup.

I hope these tips on letting go of  someone you love help. Please feel free to share your story below. I can’t offer advice, but it often helps to write your thoughts and feelings, even if you feel embarrassed or ashamed.

It’s important to remember that letting go of someone you cared deeply for is a process that takes time. I recommend  75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love, and encourage you to read one or two tips every day. Let yourself heal gradually, and grieve your loss. Don’t expect to be happy overnight! It’ll take time and work, but if you take it slow and steady, you’ll find yourself coming out of the tunnel of darkness.

  956 Responses to “How to Let Go of Someone You Love”

  1. Hello, I met a wonderful man 1 year ago and from the start it was like I found my other half. But a few months back when all things were going perfect he said something was missing. He the gave me back my key and left. He came back that day and we cried together and he said he was wrong that without me in his life that was the piece missing. However, since that day he has pulled away from me and we have not spent any time together. He says he loves me but needs to be alone. I am having so much trouble letting go. With him I was so open and free.One day we were ok saying I love you before we went to sleep. When we woke the next morning he wanted to end things. He has asked me to wait for him to get his head together, but has limited his interactions with me and my kids who looked at him as a father. I need to move on but my heart is so broken I just want to cry. My kids need me to bounce back to be an example for them with their own break ups in the future. How do I let go? How do I stop blaming myself for the break up? I feel like a stalker when I see him around town. I even go in a whole different direction than he might take since he comes to my town to drop off his coworker. I miss his touch, his laugh,and I just want the pain to end.

  2. This makes a lot of sense. I am still have a hard time letting go of pain from my past. I shall take further steps to letting go and the healing process which is in slow motion.

  3. Dear Vatalinie,

    I think you need to trust your gut. If you don’t feel comfortable with your boyfriend – if you don’t trust him – then you have your answer.

    If you decide to give your boyfriend another chance, then you have to prepare yourself for a long time of building trust. It takes time and effort on both partners’ parts to rebuild trust in a relationship.

    What is your boyfriend willing to do to help you trust him again? Is he aware of your feelings, and will he work to regain your trust?

    These are complicated questions, which is why sometimes it’s better in the long run to let go of someone you love. Both of you have to be committed to rebuilding your relationship. You can’t do it alone!


  4. Hi. I’ve been in a relationship for a while. About two months ago my boyfriend broke up with me to be with his ex/baby mama. He said that he didn’t want to be with her but that it was best for his son and that she deserved a second chance. Our break up lasted for two weeks. We made up because he said he made a mistake and that she wasn’t treating him right. So I said that needed time because I didn’t want to feel like a second choice and that we weren’t going to just pick up where we left off. So after a while we started going out again. Today, I found out that he slept with her during those two weeks we weren’t together. I feel heartbroken and can’t stop picturing them together. I know we weren’t together at the time but really? Having sex with someone else that fast? Those two weeks I spent crying and thinking about him. I didn’t even want any other guys around me. And the fact that he didn’t tell me and just let me fall back in love with him makes it worst of all. Am I over reacting? And what should I do? It hurts and I just don’t know what to think or say anymore. I love him but it’s like he didn’t really love me if he moved that fast. Now I’m just thinking, “Is he going to compare me to her?” “Is he thinking about her when he’s with me?” “If she treated him right would he still be with her?” So many thoughts in my head and I just feel so bad.

  5. Dear Conflicted Future,

    I really believe the best thing you could do is get counseling for yourself. Get an objective perspective on your marriage and life, and talk through the decisions you have to make. Sometimes the healthiest thing we could ever do is get strong emotionally and spiritually, and everything else falls into place.

    I know a woman who couldn’t convince her husband to go to counseling, so she went by herself. She got happy! Strong, confident, and able to handle whatever came along. Her husband, as a result, left her because he couldn’t control her anymore.

    Sometimes letting go of someone you love isn’t about getting him to counseling…it’s getting yourself as healthy as possible.

  6. Hi there, my situation is complicated like most. I met my husband in college. My background is more colorful in the social world than his, I dated more, I had more sexual partners I lived, as I’m 4 years older than him, and not as sheltered as him. We had arguments and fights, words were said by him, feelings were hurt and damaged. We still married, even though days before the wedding he accused me of flirting with a friend of mine, and then sent flowers to say he was sorry!!! CLUE MUCH. We had dreams, goals and interests. We married and moved (military) to our first station. There are argued and loved, and argued and loved. He would freak out when I would get angry and try to talk to him about what was going on, or argue because he didn’t respond to anything I was saying. His parents apparently NEVER argued in front of their kids and it totally led him to believe life was perfect and people who were married didn’t argue. SHOCKER for him. We moved again. We are married 2 years by now, I started to doubt our relationship as he was deadly jealous of friend I had, male and female. he didn’t understand why I spent so much time with friends and didn’t spend time with him, which we all spent time together, and him and I spent plenty of time together alone. I’ve always had guy friends, I don’t get along with women too much because of the games they play dealing with the men in their lives. Anyway, so I was friendly to everyone but talked more and had more in common with the guys in the group. Non of the other women took offense as they new the differences in our likes and dislikes and new nothing was going on or going to happen. My husband was jealous anyway. We were on the brink of divorce when we decided to take a vacation and see if we could work on the problems in our relationship. Well I got pregnant with our first child. He deployed and was gone 7our of 9 months of my pregnancy. We had our DD and things were fine, never better. But then my relationship with his folks went down the drain, as he has never set any sort of boundaries with them, and they would come visit when ever and for how ever long they wanted without consulting my wishes. His mother held a grudge with me for not letting her be in the delivery room when our daughter was born. Anyway, The baby was my responsibly 100%, he never woke up, never helped change, never lifted a hand to help in anyway, not even to allow me to shower, or to eat alone. Our daughter was a year when we found out our DS was on the way. Fighting and arguing still were the majority of our lives and I felt more happy and alive when he was deployed. His jealousy faded a bit as who would be with someone with a young baby and pregnant, I imagine he thought. Our DS came and things settled down again, but the rift between myself and his parents was getting deeper and deeper, and I couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as his mother. He of course held her up so high no one could compare. Fast forward, DS is 1 year and we found out our third and LAST child was coming. She was meant to be, one time, in months and there she was. Our sex life has never been the center of our relationship even though my husband wishes it was. He once called me a whore and didn’t understand why I could sleep with so many people and not him every night. So DD was born and we found out we were moving to another country. My mother told me not to leave, to move in with them, to not go she said she didn’t feel right about the move. Well I ended up gaining about 20 lbs because of the stress of the move with three children under 5 and moving and leaving my family. We move and we get settled and from the get go things have been an argument, a fight, settle and fight and argument, settle. The past 9 months I’ve been debating on leaving him for good. My oldest DD hates to hear us argue, as its more like I talk he listens, he doesn’t respond, I started to get upset because he is completely ignoring what it is that is troubling to me or him, or the kids. I had a conversation or many conversation with him about changing for the children, for me, for our relationship, for the health of all of us, as I’ve asked him what are my faults, what bothers him and I’ve been working so very hard to make things work, to make things better, and I feel I’m the only one trying. He will try for a week or two and then fall right back into his sarcastic, (trying to lighten the mood) way of talking. He gets furious with crumbs, with clutter, with the children being children, with toys and shoes, with yelling and playing, so very quickly. He yells at the children frequently, calls them names tells them they are bad, and horrible children. Yes I get frustrated with them but I never call then horrible, or that they do everything wrong or they are bad all the time. He doesn’t know how to communicate with them, to be gentle to get them to put away theirs without barking orders or yelling them to crying. They are children and I will not change them or groom then to be seen and not heard. I’ve asked him to go to counseling and he has refused in the past till this year when I threatened to leave if he didn’t go to counseling and I would call his supervisor in order to fix his home life. He went once, (which now I’m not sure he was telling the truth as I’ve never really trusted him after his betrayal of my months after we were married, (going thru my email accounts and online social profiles). I often think he lies to just not have to talk about things or deal with the issues. Anyway, so he went once, he worked at dealing with the children and communicating better with everyone. Well, two weeks ago it’s started again. Snotty under the breath remarks, sarcasm, why I don’t sleep with him like he wants, why I’m always busy, why the house is cluttered why why why about everything. I’ve asked my parents for helps and suggestions, and he hasn’t’ told his parents anything about any of our troubles. They think everything is perfectly fine. When in actuality I’m ready to up and leave, but seriously can’t because of the cost of flying all four of us home from this country. We have 1.5 years left and I swear I just want to get the hell out of here. But thinking for my children’s future and my own, staying married for 10 years, which would take us to the time we leave here, would give me half of his retirement and such for living. I’ve done a lot of research on this and know my options. It’s just hard to think, should I leave now, or try and wait the time out here? I’ve asked him what he needs me to do, to work on. I’ve tried so hard so very hard to make the times together pleasant, but there is always something that ruins the happy memories with him. We have happy ones, but the bad ones out weigh the good more often then not for me. And my oldest DD is leaning the same way, as she loves her daddy so very much but has started to show signs of low self esteem, flinches when you wave your hands around if talking about something. She herself has an attitude now, and back talks. I try to talk and act the way I want them to learn and become as young children and to grow up to be. It seems like every time I set something up for them, a behavior an action, a way of doing things the right way, he has to mess it up and they go back to the behaviors and attitudes I’m trying to stop. Life is an uphill battle in teaching them and molding them into responsible young people. My DS (4) blames everyone else for anything that happens to him, nothing is his fault, when he does something and I caught him, I see him, he flat out lies about it. I realize this is true from some children, but his fathers behavior is a direct reflection down upon him. I guess I know what I have to do, its doing it. It’s fear of the unknown, of starting over, of dealing with failure, and the loss of 10 years, but the beautiful gain of three wonderful children. They are my life… So as I think I know what I need to do, what is your advice and or suggestions of the here and now to deal with this situation? Thank you so very much for your help!!!

  7. Thank you for sharing how your thoughts on how to let go of someone you love. I hope you’re able to survive this experience of letting go, and move on to a happier, healthier stage of life.

    Acceptance is key. Acceptance, and letting time heal us up.

    Blessings, prayers, warm thoughts,

  8. (continued.)

    Everything kept deteriorating. I didn’t want to commit to someone I cared about till the time, I was clear and complete with my past. I found it immoral. I wanted answers again, I wanted my ex to give me a justification for the 7 years I had given her. So, I reached out to her to discuss things (she was in the US and I was in India). My discussions with her helped me (irony, my ex became a psychiatrist in the US), but what didn’t help was the fact that she had gotten divorced by then. I felt like there was something incomplete left between us which I wanted to give a deserving end (my entire 7 years with her had been long distance). But, in the meanwhile, distances between me and my bf kept growing, to the point that she started seeing someone in her office. A few months down the line, she married him.

    Moral of this absurd story: If you walk around with one dead body onyyour back, soon enough you’ll have two. Which relationship do you think I was happier in? Sure, marrying my bf would’ve had its own challenges, but there was a whole side of me that I felt I didn’t get to show her. We broke up on really bad terms and today I’m forced to run into her almost everyday with her husband (we work in a public place, can’t switch jobs, tried, didn’t work.) And thus, I find myself at a blog like this, preaching sense to people like you, while I never mended my ways myself. Save yourself the trouble, if you wish to grieve, grieve. But, when you move on, make sure you keep walking.

  9. Dear Lithium,

    I read your post and felt like I was reading something I wrote a couple of years back. Another resounding feeling is as if I’m listening to my imaginary younger brother. The reason why I say this: I know exactly what you’re going through. I had something similar happen to me. And your reaction to the circumstances has been close to how I had / would have dealt with them. Which is why, I believe our natures are very similar. Over the years, I have done a lot of introspection, trying to find the answer. I have confronted many truths about myself, or attempted it to the best of my abilities. And I would like to stop you from making the mistakes I made. You’re free to disassociate from me and my experiences at any point of time, my only wish for you is that you may be able to acknowledge a part of you that you didn’t know is running your life right now. Just like me, you want appreciation and acknowledgement for the purity in love you had for this girl. You want it to count for something. Something bad has happened to you, and it needs to be grieved. You wish others would grieve with you, but nobody stands there with you long enough. Everybody is a window-shopper, not because they’re bad or insensitive, but because they don’t have any solutions for you. This isn’t the first time you’ve discussed your story, you’ve discussed this several times before, with most of people in your life. You’re a nice guy, and you don’t want to cause harm in the world or disempower anyone. But this mattered, and you want people to see that.

    My brother, none of this is mala fide in any way. But, I kept digging, and it ruined my second relationship too. (yes, you can fall in love again. Better still, you will discover that love wasn’t only what you felt with one person. It has many beautiful, ecstatic faces)

    I fell in love with my best friend and the thing with falling in love with your best friend is that you don’t really know that you’ve fallen in love with them. You never really know when the relationship started :) it just does, and you deal with it.

    My ex had had a whirlwind marriage with someone she had crazy chemistry with. I was dealing with my break up, trying to find answers, I had decided that I would understand every aspect of my failure and never let this happen to me again, when a few months later she (my best friend) had her break up too. Both of us now felt responsible for each other, and we felt appreciated. (for all of you with the uncontrollable urge to yell out “Rebound!”, calm down. I know. Thank you.)

    The relationship was going great, I forgot everything bad that happened to me. She and I were practically like husband and wife, we spent most of our time together (this was college), we would explore new parts of the city everyday, hid our relationship from all our friends (which was a lotta fun at times, coz nobody expected us to be in a relationship), sex was great (we used to keep giggling all the time, send each other really lewd messages throughout the day), we knew everything about each other.

    But then one day, she asked me to get married to her, and I suddenly couldn’t take a decision. I still felt responsible to my ex, I wanted closure before I could think of marriage, and my best friend was quick realize that. She couldn’t tolerate it.

  10. To my family and the people around me it seems ridiculous to them what I feel.

    I’m 18 [Yes I'm young], she was 16 [Really young...]. But despite the ages she was still way more socially mature than I was and her extremely religious parents liked me [I'm the type to start doing the dishes after having dinner at your house- my mother taught me well :)]. We were together for a year and it felt like complete bliss. I had never kissed a girl before her [I was a super shy geeky computer science kid and she was a beautiful blonde hip hop and tap dancer] and we ended up going much further [naked but not sex-very close though] and I completely fell for her heart and personality. We used to go on walks along the river near us.. holding her in my arms I felt like my life was complete and nothing could stop me.

    I honestly thought she could be the one [Yes of course I know it sounds ridiculous but I was naive and in love]. But I dreamed of a life with her.

    After being with her half a year and her saying the best day of her life was prom [I could not leave her side! and me who usually NEVER dances danced all night with her]. I started college an hour and a half away… I would visit her every other weekend because I was at college and she was still in high school. But suddenly she said she needed to go on a break because she was stressed with school and couldn’t find the time to talk to me. That stressed me out SOOO much but I wanted her to do well in school [This high school is harder than college... and can really get you to the highest places if you even do average there - everyone is smart]. Eventually after a couple weeks of not talking and me figuratively DYING and my grades going to hell for not having her – I go home to visit and we have Chai at a coffee shop and go for a walk and she breaks up with me. Her reasons: Stress from long distance, and she actually said “I want to date other boys”.

    She said that despite all this she still loved me and I did nothing wrong but that we had to break up. I wish I had reacted differently- there is a lot I regret. But after she wanted to break up I forgot about my feelings and kept telling her it would be ok and I held her in my arms [I hated to see her crying]. I told her it would be impossible for me to move on if we talked after [I REGRET THIS] and we separated ways her running to hug me saying to be friends after.

    This happened more than 6 months ago. My life after that degenerated into me starting to chain smoke cigarettes. I had never smoked before but ended up doing 2 packs a day for a couple weeks. I started cutting my wrists and hurting myself. Frequently getting drunk alone… [This was during my second semester- Somehow I got all A's despite the fact I was starving myself and hurting]. Suicidal thoughts would never leave my mind and I had put my straight razor to my neck on several occasions [thankfully I never went through with it]. I also started smoking weed. I’m actually a little high right now. It seems like mj is the only thing that has started helping me move on. It’s shocking because the stuff I started doing after the break up is stuff I would NEVER had done and they seem completely out of my character- but I essentially gave up with life and didn’t care about myself. It sounds ridiculous and I understand it’s ridiculous because I’m so young and have barely lived… but my problem is that I can’t stop thinking about her. She is in every thought. I lie in bed at night wishing I held her in my arms but at the same time feeling disgusted by her for her ability to hurt me so much. I dream about her. Sometimes naked sometimes not. I talked to her briefly a couple times months after and she had completely moved on and felt nothing for me. I feel so hurt because even when I talked to her so briefly her personality and what she could say would make me laugh and make me miss her so much…

    When I was with her she completely uncracked my shell of being shy. I could do anything and didn’t care about people thought. I could skip with her with a flower she picked in my ear and would not care. Without her… I’ve regressed to becoming anti-social. I forced myself to volunteer and I work with kids [I did stop cutting and drinking and smoking tobacco before starting to volunteer - no one wants their kids around a psychotic] but volunteering has not helped at all.

    I can’t even begin to imagine a different girl in my life. It’s terrifying. I’ll never think she’s as good as my ex. I’ll close my eyes and think it’s my ex. I’ll never love them. I have no problem in believing someone else would love me. I just don’t believe I myself will fall for someone else. How will I be able to trust someone if the person I loved so dearly just threw it all way so easily?

    Maybe it would be easier if I ‘hooked’ up with someone to separate the physical from the emotional… But I am incapable of sexual acts if no love is involved [They are revolting to me].

    I just feel completely stuck. I’m in love with a girl that I might not even take back for all the pain she’s caused me. And I can’t even begin to imagine loving someone else in my life. I’m regretful of all the things I believe I did to mess up my relationship.

    I’m sorry for my terrible writing. I’m not a good writer when high…

  11. Dear Yolanda,

    Thank you for being here, and for sharing your story. I really appreciate your comments – I’m so glad you found a connection with me. :-)

    I 100% think you should move on!! You deserve better than to be treated like that. Even if he wasn’t telling you that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, I would tell you to let him go.

    Accept that it wasn’t meant to be. Grieve the end of your relationship. Believe that there is someone else out there for you, who will love and cherish and honor you.

    Here’s an article on starting over:

    One day, you will look back and be SO GLAD this relationship is over! Don’t draw out the pain and make it longer than it has to be. Break free, my friend, and reconnect with your heart and soul.

    Come back anytime, let me know how you’re doing. I can’t offer counseling or more advice than I’ve given, but I will listen and give you a big virtual hug! xo

    Stay true to you,

  12. After a tumultous relationship, having been in an abusive relationship: physically, mentally and emotionally, my ex broke up with me hurriedly in order to be in a relationship with another woman. We were together from October 2010, lived together for almost a year until a 9-1-1 call on May 17, 2012 that made him moved out of the apartment and moved back to his mother’s nest. We reconciled and got back together on July 1, 2012 and broke up again on May 17, 2013 (exactly one year from the 9-1-1 incident, same date). I have been reading your block on the abusive and manipulative relationship. And I can tell you Laurie, all the subjects that you covered there happened to our (demise?) relationship. No need to make further description to it. Now I am dealing with my heartbreak because I was the dumpee. My ex would care less because he is currently in a relationship (rebound? not even a week after our break-up). And he told me he has moved on – not even 2 months and he has already moved on? I dont mean to sound bitter, Laurie but I am just trying to be logical on this matter. Why is he doing this? He does not even recognize his role in the break-up while I apologized to him for my part in it. Never did he say that he is sorry for what had happened to our relationship. This man who I stayed with for almost 3 years, made plans together for our future, he even gave me a ring so we could get married next year. What happened? Reading your articles gave me a clear view. I love your articles. I have been reading different blogs and other stuff but yours is different, I have found a connection there. Like I could tell you everything. Now it confuses me – should I get him back (I still love him and care for him) or should I just move on, like he told me to.

  13. Hello Shannon,

    This ebook – Letting Go of Someone You Love – is only available in pdf format.

    Thank you,

  14. can you get the book anywhere else except in PDF format?

  15. I can’t offer advice or counseling, but I do have one question:

    If your relationship is as complicated and difficult as it sounds, why do you want to stay in it? I know how heartbreaking and difficult it is to let go of someone you love…but it’s a question of short-term pain versus long-term gain.

    Do the work to heal and move forward now, and your future will be happier, lighter, and easier.

  16. hi laurie,
    Hoping this one reaches you my last one wasn’t detailed so I hope this one was able to be posted and the last one discarded. sorry for the inconvenience my fiance he left in july one day and didn’t say a word that he was going bak to n.y then two days call me as if he didn’t just up and leave. And he says he felt I needed space. It hurt of course cause if he felt I needed space why didn’t he talk to me before he left. So when he tried to come bak I wouldn’t let him cause I felt betrayed. I took all my anger out on him told him nah he can’t come bak cause that’s not love. Times we talked, times we didn’t talk and for 10months it continued like that. I would speak to him for weeks then not speak to him for weeks all the while he was saying he wasn’t with nobody and he wasn’t sleeping with nobody etc.. Then after I had our daughter snow last month. I felt ok he can come bak cause I feel he been still there for me so he must love me. He was so happy. Then days after that his baby momma write me says they been sleeping together and living together from dec – feb 2013. And that they been sleeping together since aug 2012. I was crushed. Then told him no we can not be!! She also said when she broke it off with him in feb. He was begging for her bak!! Wow.. Anyway he popped up on me last month flowers, balloons teddy bears etc.. He stayed about 2weeks but I couldn’t deal. So I asked him to leave, he begged etc.. But still I couldn’t do it cause he lied says he didn’t beg for her, etc.. I didn’t touch him the whole time and I made him sleep on the coach. He’s gone almost a month now still writes, texts, calls, send letters in the mail etc.. Still says he loves me and was confused and that he had feelings for her and yea he did infact beg for her bak but he never loved her! Smh now he wanna admit truth when he lied in my face!!!!! Idk what to think or believe or do. He says he loves me always have and he just was lost cause he thought he’d lost me . but yet we’ve been talking that who;e time yes going through it because soon as he left, i find out he gave me trich and hpv!! when i went for my ob chek up, i was devastated!! anyway his baby momma says he been taking it out on her, cussing her out all types of things.. But that dnt impress me or show me anything cause he still been with her, sleeping with her unprotected even after knowing he has hpv and gave it to me!!!!! And lying to me all them months like he love me so much saying he would do nun of that to me but he did. So now he keeps trying etc. But I dnt knw what to do or believe because how can someone say they love you but can go sleep with someone that fast and KEEP doing it!! And worse beg for them bak but say he was confused and love me..yet if he loved me why he left me pregnant and was able to still sleep with another knowing he’d just gave me std’s and i was so hurt by that alone!!?? I’m tired of all this and I want to continue my life and although I knw we all make mistakes and are human, I just feel some things aren’t mistakes!! He betrayed me lied kept lying and although I wouldn’t allow him to come right bak after he left, he still was talkn to me the whole time! like he wasn’t even doing nun, just to find out he was living a whole other life until he felt I’d say ok come back and it’s ok u gave me all these stds and left me pregnant and just proposed to me!!.. .. I cried so much but I rather cry than stay a fool. Or if I’m suppose to try and let it go and try.. Smh I just dnt knw what to do..and also I feel like he dnt get how hurt I am! The way he says things like ( what else you want me to do!!! I begged bought you things, ) yes that’s what he says to me.. And then that hurts more. Because I’m like wow are you serious!!! After all you did you say that to me like I should take him bak already! As if he doesn’t care about the pain, he just sees what he doing to get me bak. But how is that enough? Am I crazy or sum? Am I expecting too much? What is wrong with me? Was I suppose to take him bak cause he came all the way down here? He acts like by him coming to t.n that proves he loves me. But why should he get credit for that when his baby live here!!!!!!!! Smh..ughhh I dnt even knw what a man suppose to do to prove he sorry or that he love you after something like this. I just feel I dnt trust him, and he seem like he dnt knw what love is, and how do you go from beggn one girl to the next then say he’d a been dumped her if he knew I was gon take him bak.. She said she dnt believe he ever loved her, she says she feel he used her and that she done with him. But how do I look? I should feel special??? Cause I dnt.. i just hate this pain and he just seems ok. but claims he isn’t..

  17. So true, letting go is the hardest part. I guess it’s not the person that is hard to let go, it’s all the feelings and the memories you’ve shared together. We just need to accept the facts that people come and go, what’s important is that we met them and learn from them to make us a better person.

  18. Hello – I was married for 17 years to an abusive man. I finally left them and less than a year later I got married to another person. I found out he lied about having an extra wife i didn’t know about……….more children than I knew about…………He had no license, no car, he was pretty much “in need”. He has become abusive when we argue and this is something that I do NOT want to deal with again. It took me forever to leave the first relationship, but for some reason this one seems harder and we don’t even have any children together. I’m so confused. He keeps telling me that he has no where to go……..that I’m his best friend, etc. I do feel sorry for him, but I am slowly losing love for him and I really don’t think I am in love with him anymore…………

  19. Dear Sad,

    It really is devastating that your husband was having an affair for so long! It’s unfathomable, hard to believe, and shocking. My heart goes out to you.

    I don’t know if he’s still lying to you, or if the affair is over. If your gut is telling you he’s lying, then…I think you need to trust your gut.

    But, letting go of your husband is certainly easier said than done! I’m sorry you have to go through this.

    Have you decided what you’re going to do?

  20. I found out 2 yrs ago my husband of 20 yrs had been having a 3yr long affair with a co-worker. I say it was 3 yes because that’s as far back as I could prove it. It is certainly possible it was longer. I am devedtated! I never dreamed he would do something like that once…but to carry on for YEARS just is I fathomable. Now 2 yrs almost to the day (5/9/11) and it still seems unreal. I had so much faith and trust in him and to know he lied straight to my face on numerous occasions!! Ugh!! My reason for commenting is to ask.. What are the chances it’s just over like that?? He swears he has not spoken to her since but I don’t believe him. Things like that are not just over with that easy. They had to have spoken if for no other reason than to say goodbye but my husband says no way. But my gut tells me he’s lying!! What are the chances a long term relationship is over with no closure?? Really??

  21. Dear Hurting,

    I am sorry that you’re hurting. The pain of losing someone you love seems like it’ll kill you — I thought I’d die when I lost two of the most important people in my life! But I didn’t die. I slept alot, cried alot, and grieved alot.

    And then I moved on. You asked me what I think you should do, and I think you should accept that your husband wants out of your marriage. I think you should focus on grieving and healing.

    What do you think?

  22. I’ve been married for almost 2 years and my husband told me he wanted out of the marriage. He says he doesn’t love me any more and hates is life with me. Our relationship as been rocky from the start. He comes with a lot of baggage: Baby mama drama, felonies is his background and mommas boy. We have been to counseling and things were getting better, he was counsel to cut ties with his mom because of how it affected our relationship. So he did, however it came the time he needed a ride from his mother and ever since they started communicating a lot more, we started falling apart again. He moved out about 3 weeks ago now. Can would text me for sexual favors, however I never accepted. I finally got a text from him stating not to contact him anymore and that the next time I heard anything from him was for the divorce he also stated he was going to find someone and move on. He stated I should do the same. I’m so hurt cause of all I did for this man from; Finding stable employment, get him out of jail, I never cheated, I helped him become a much better person inside and out. I just feel used, how can it be so easy for him get up leave? To tell me he will find someone soon? To tell me he hates is life with me? We’ve never even had a honeymoon because he can’t leave the county, I was a prisoner in my own home, all his restrictions I followed them as well. How can someone do this? I’m devasted!! what should I do?

  23. Thank you, Jazz! I’m just starting my Quips and Tips/Bounce Back Babe newsletter. That’ll be the start of my online group, I think.

    I appreciate your feedback, and hope we stay connected :-)

  24. Laurie,

    Your words are full of hope and caring. Have you ever thought about forming an online group?

  25. I recently updated my ebook about Letting Go of Someone You Love, because of my experience as a support group facilitator.

    If you can find people who know how you feel, you may find it easier to move on and love again. There really is a lot to be said for being with people who have “been there, done that.”

  26. Dear TN,
    I understand what you’re going through. I really do. Some person has also put me through hell. But time will heal our wounds. I’m sure… just give it time, although now it may seem impossible. But I can guarantee you, you can move on. YES you can!