Comments on: How to Leave Your Husband When You Don’t Want to be Married http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-leave-your-husband/ Got goals? Need a push in the right direction? You've come to the right place! Thu, 24 May 2012 06:38:43 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Heather http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-leave-your-husband/comment-page-2/#comment-42409 Heather Thu, 19 Apr 2012 13:05:27 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2857#comment-42409 Hi- I knew my husband years ago- but, we got together 8 years ago in a whirlwind romance that happened so quickly over a few months. Next thing you know, I got pregnant- which I think I truly wanted (in the back of my mind I'm admitting that now)... There was something about him that was so appealing to me, that I KNEW he would be the father of my children. (weird, right??) We had a beautiful little girl and moved in together quickly. We had lots of love and lots of love to give her. I have a history of depression & anxiety. I noticed over time he would have explosive anger episodes. Little bits at a time - and over years, they became more frequent, and my depression became more frequent as well. The anger bursts came with negative comments, and gentle jabs of negativity that would over time begin to break me down. We got married b/c I thought it was the right thing to do, and I truly did love him. We had good times - and a few years later we had our second daughter. While we love her with all of our hearts, it seemed to add tension - I was a stay at home mom, who wanted to work (and had a failed business which he makes me feel bad about b/c he is paying the debt back) I have always wanted to do my own thing, start my own business again, and be creative. I feel since the failure, he thought it was just another money hole maker for me to dive into another at home business venture. I just wanted to be creative & do so much more. Even though I loved being a mom... I felt trapped. Anger & depression got steadily worse. I never feel he helps out with the children- or (indoor) housework, and he feels I don't appreciate how hard he works at his job. it's a never ending battle. It has become so negative & toxic with the fighting & name calling. he has become too angry & I have sunk even deeper. I have seeked therapy. I am so sick when I am here at home, I feel so sick when he is around. I have been having anxiety attacks and heart palpatations - and am physically hurting. I have been staying with my mom a few days a week w/ the kids. I am so scared that I am going to scar the girls - and so scared for change and the unknown... and no job! I just need some help. Thanks. Hi-
I knew my husband years ago- but, we got together 8 years ago in a whirlwind romance that happened so quickly over a few months. Next thing you know, I got pregnant- which I think I truly wanted (in the back of my mind I’m admitting that now)… There was something about him that was so appealing to me, that I KNEW he would be the father of my children. (weird, right??) We had a beautiful little girl and moved in together quickly. We had lots of love and lots of love to give her.
I have a history of depression & anxiety.
I noticed over time he would have explosive anger episodes. Little bits at a time – and over years, they became more frequent, and my depression became more frequent as well.
The anger bursts came with negative comments, and gentle jabs of negativity that would over time begin to break me down.
We got married b/c I thought it was the right thing to do, and I truly did love him. We had good times – and a few years later we had our second daughter. While we love her with all of our hearts, it seemed to add tension – I was a stay at home mom, who wanted to work (and had a failed business which he makes me feel bad about b/c he is paying the debt back) I have always wanted to do my own thing, start my own business again, and be creative. I feel since the failure, he thought it was just another money hole maker for me to dive into another at home business venture. I just wanted to be creative & do so much more. Even though I loved being a mom… I felt trapped.
Anger & depression got steadily worse. I never feel he helps out with the children- or (indoor) housework, and he feels I don’t appreciate how hard he works at his job. it’s a never ending battle.
It has become so negative & toxic with the fighting & name calling. he has become too angry & I have sunk even deeper. I have seeked therapy. I am so sick when I am here at home, I feel so sick when he is around. I have been having anxiety attacks and heart palpatations – and am physically hurting. I have been staying with my mom a few days a week w/ the kids. I am so scared that I am going to scar the girls – and so scared for change and the unknown… and no job! I just need some help.
Thanks.

]]> By: Jane http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-leave-your-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-41703 Jane Fri, 06 Apr 2012 03:27:42 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2857#comment-41703 I received this thru email. I do not know if this message will reach you Tosha. I wanted to just say a few very simple things. First, I am very sorry that you are suffering thru this toxic relationship. Secondly, you are still wonderfully young, and have everything to hope for, so I kindly suggest that you make a very serious 5 year plan for you and the twins, and start immediately. I use five years because it can involve going to school, getting a degree, if you don't already have one, getting your kids into school, if they are only toddlers, finding a job and becoming indispensable and making a career for yourself etc. etc.. All of the bigger things take time. Hang on to your patience and strength and make the plan! Independence, either living with him (if you can stand it) or living without him will make you feel very successful. Good luck and God bless you. I will keep you in my prayers. Sincerely, Jane I received this thru email. I do not know if this message will reach you Tosha.

I wanted to just say a few very simple things. First, I am very sorry that you are suffering thru this toxic relationship. Secondly, you are still wonderfully young, and have everything to hope for, so I kindly suggest that you make a very serious 5 year plan for you and the twins, and start immediately.

I use five years because it can involve going to school, getting a degree, if you don’t already have one, getting your kids into school, if they are only toddlers, finding a job and becoming indispensable and making a career for yourself etc. etc.. All of the bigger things take time. Hang on to your patience and strength and make the plan! Independence, either living with him (if you can stand it) or living without him will make you feel very successful.

Good luck and God bless you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Sincerely, Jane

]]> By: Tosha http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-leave-your-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-41656 Tosha Thu, 05 Apr 2012 16:09:41 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2857#comment-41656 Hi Im 24 my husband is 22. We have been married for 3 1/2 years we have two year old twin boys. I am a stay at home mom. I do not get a brake. Im with the twins 24/7 love them so much. But my husband think since he works he does not have to help at all. I HAVE TO BEGG HIM TO TAKE OFF TRASH. When he is here he watches tv and does not even look at us. When we talk he does not hear us. The only thing he likes is to go fishing with his friend. If the dishes are backed up he makes me feel like Im 2 in tall. If the laundry is not done he is very mean. He has never keep our kids without throwing a huge fit even if I just go get butter. He has only keep them 2 times. I am at my braking point. My head is killing me Im starting to hate life and I have never been this way. Hi Im 24 my husband is 22. We have been married for 3 1/2 years we have two year old twin boys. I am a stay at home mom. I do not get a brake. Im with the twins 24/7 love them so much. But my husband think since he works he does not have to help at all. I HAVE TO BEGG HIM TO TAKE OFF TRASH. When he is here he watches tv and does not even look at us. When we talk he does not hear us. The only thing he likes is to go fishing with his friend. If the dishes are backed up he makes me feel like Im 2 in tall. If the laundry is not done he is very mean. He has never keep our kids without throwing a huge fit even if I just go get butter. He has only keep them 2 times. I am at my braking point. My head is killing me Im starting to hate life and I have never been this way.

]]> By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-leave-your-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-41209 Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Wed, 28 Mar 2012 15:35:48 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2857#comment-41209 Jane, thank you for your kind words and support for Mary! You are a blessing. Mary, I wrote this article for you: <a href="http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/how-to-be-happy-without-your-husbands-money-or-love/" rel="nofollow">Yes, You Can Be Happy Without Your Husband’s Money or Love</a> I can't offer personal advice, but I thought I'd share my thoughts. Nick and EM, thank you for sharing your personal stories here. I am truly sorry for what you're going through, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you find the strength and courage to leave your husband and wife, and create a life you love. Blessings, Laurie Jane, thank you for your kind words and support for Mary! You are a blessing.

Mary, I wrote this article for you:

Yes, You Can Be Happy Without Your Husband’s Money or Love

I can’t offer personal advice, but I thought I’d share my thoughts.

Nick and EM, thank you for sharing your personal stories here. I am truly sorry for what you’re going through, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you find the strength and courage to leave your husband and wife, and create a life you love.

Blessings,
Laurie

]]> By: jane http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-leave-your-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-41168 jane Tue, 27 Mar 2012 22:26:45 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2857#comment-41168 Dear Mary, I just had to write after reading about how trapped you feel in your marriage. Not only do I feel the same, but I share some of the very experiences in my home that you are living with in your home. It is truly a very small world and we are truly not as alone in our pain and suffering as we think we are. Yet, when the pain feels unbearable and the mind feels like it is breaking the despair can become so strong that we can't realize that we are not alone. If you can afford a good therapist, then please call her. I feel such despair and burning in my core/heart from the anger that resides inside of me for all the careless things "he" has done to me and the family. He complains, like "yours" about the live-ins not paying rent, but doesn't try to band together with me and lay down the law. It takes two to tango, and if one parent doesn't follow-thru' with the rules than the off-spring will run all over the one who is trying to enforce the law. And they will play against the stricter parent. I was a stay at home mother of 5 children. Trying to do it all right. Church on Sundays, private schools, home made supper, clean home, safe environment; a place they could call their refuge from the world. My husband had a successful construction business. It was slammed in 2008 and we lost everything. He has gotten worse and behaves like a bum now. His manners, speech, actions, drinking to excess, have all contributed even more to the break down of our relationship. Drinking was always a problem for me. I tried al-anon, and it helped. I need to go back to alanon meetings. But he is scaring me now and I feel TRAPPED. I have no money, no job, no future. My children are smart. My daughter starts a doctorate program in the fall for counseling psychology (any wonder!!) and she promises to always help me. But the present is very painful. My youngest is 13, thus I cannot just flee this Hell. It would be much easier if I could. Mary, pray hard and try to get therapy or go to alanon. WOrk on a plan. I am. Try to talk to a close friend about it. Some days are better than others, I know. DOn't forget to cry and beg God to rescue you. He will-- if just for that day. You must ask HIm every day for the same rescue. At least, I find that to be true. Keep in touch thru email with me. jdwsn1@gmail.com Please don't hesitate to vent or share whatever you feel. God bless you and give you His Peace, Jane Dear Mary, I just had to write after reading about how trapped you feel in your marriage. Not only do I feel the same, but I share some of the very experiences in my home that you are living with in your home. It is truly a very small world and we are truly not as alone in our pain and suffering as we think we are. Yet, when the pain feels unbearable and the mind feels like it is breaking the despair can become so strong that we can’t realize that we are not alone. If you can afford a good therapist, then please call her.

I feel such despair and burning in my core/heart from the anger that resides inside of me for all the careless things “he” has done to me and the family. He complains, like “yours” about the live-ins not paying rent, but doesn’t try to band together with me and lay down the law. It takes two to tango, and if one parent doesn’t follow-thru’ with the rules than the off-spring will run all over the one who is trying to enforce the law. And they will play against the stricter parent.

I was a stay at home mother of 5 children. Trying to do it all right. Church on Sundays, private schools, home made supper, clean home, safe environment; a place they could call their refuge from the world. My husband had a successful construction business. It was slammed in 2008 and we lost everything. He has gotten worse and behaves like a bum now. His manners, speech, actions, drinking to excess, have all contributed even more to the break down of our relationship. Drinking was always a problem for me. I tried al-anon, and it helped. I need to go back to alanon meetings. But he is scaring me now and I feel TRAPPED. I have no money, no job, no future.

My children are smart. My daughter starts a doctorate program in the fall for counseling psychology (any wonder!!) and she promises to always help me. But the present is very painful. My youngest is 13, thus I cannot just flee this Hell. It would be much easier if I could.

Mary, pray hard and try to get therapy or go to alanon. WOrk on a plan. I am.
Try to talk to a close friend about it. Some days are better than others, I know. DOn’t forget to cry and beg God to rescue you. He will– if just for that day. You must ask HIm every day for the same rescue. At least, I find that to be true. Keep in touch thru email with me. jdwsn1@gmail.com Please don’t hesitate to vent or share whatever you feel.

God bless you and give you His Peace,
Jane

]]> By: Mary http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-leave-your-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-40785 Mary Sun, 18 Mar 2012 07:12:13 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2857#comment-40785 Im trapped. Been married to same man for30 years. Entire 30 years has been a struggle for him to communicate. He has manipulated and controlled me to the point that I have no self esteem or confidence. He always told me I shouldn't say this or thAt, always putting me down subtlety. I have isolated myself from family and fiends for 20 years. I have no job and no money andi feel he step me up like this...he use to have a real fear of abandonment. I have three gjrown kids living at home that he refuses to have them help pays household expenses yet I hear all the tiime how he has to work so hard and long to provide. And he recently blamed me for our financil ruin. We have a small single family home and he flat out refuses to do repairs and upkeep. But he'll ride his 2,000 dollar bike for hours everyday. He has never ever listened to me and just the other day told my son to just say yea when I was trying to explain something. I'm 57 with no money, no job, no family, friends or confidence. Im miserable, exhausted from this needed needed man unwilling to even try,. He is so uncaring he doesn't,t even check on me, in my bedroom after 24 hours, knowing I don't want to love anymore.." He would rather have our son find me dead.. He is such a childish ass.... The contempt just grows and grows. So does the rage and the hate, Im trapped. Been married to same man for30 years. Entire 30 years has been a struggle for him to communicate. He has manipulated and controlled me to the point that I have no self esteem or confidence. He always told me I shouldn’t say this or thAt, always putting me down subtlety. I have isolated myself from family and fiends for 20 years. I have no job and no money andi feel he step me up like this…he use to have a real fear of abandonment. I have three gjrown kids living at home that he refuses to have them help pays household expenses yet I hear all the tiime how he has to work so hard and long to provide. And he recently blamed me for our financil ruin. We have a small single family home and he flat out refuses to do repairs and upkeep. But he’ll ride his 2,000 dollar bike for hours everyday. He has never ever listened to me and just the other day told my son to just say yea when I was trying to explain something. I’m 57 with no money, no job, no family, friends or confidence. Im miserable, exhausted from this needed needed man unwilling to even try,. He is so uncaring he doesn’t,t even check on me, in my bedroom after 24 hours, knowing I don’t want to love anymore..” He would rather have our son find me dead.. He is such a childish ass…. The contempt just grows and grows. So does the rage and the hate,

]]> By: nick http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-leave-your-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-40688 nick Wed, 14 Mar 2012 00:10:34 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2857#comment-40688 Just thought i'd speak up here. The stories I have read from you ladies sound pretty bad; sometimes leaving is the only option. That said, my perspective is from the other side of the fence. I have only been married for 3 years (as of this week) but have been supporting my wife financially for the last seven years. I encouraged her to get her masters degree instead of a job, then after getting her degree, when she couldn't find work, I encouraged her to start her own freelance business. I have never been great about helping around the house, but I've always tried to be supportive of her. I've known something was wrong for the last 18 months or so, as she has been less and less circumspect about avoiding me. She took a part time job, but set her hours so that she would leave before I got home, and not get home until after 10pm. I came home last month and had to tell my wife I had been laid off. She seemed supportive that night, but the next day as she was leaving said she wouldn't be coming home. She has been gone for 5 weeks, and will not talk to me about what is going on. About a year ago her father had a stroke, and she has been seeing a therapist with her siblings; after that I began to notice that she wouldn't talk to me about the things that worried/excited her. The last 6 months she has been going to a counselor by herself (in secret) as well as the couples counseling we were attending. Now she will not speak to me, go to counseling, respond to texts or emails, and claims that I am violating her 'boundaries' when I try to talk to her. I have been pushed so far, and treated with such contempt that I no longer even want to save my marriage. and that is the most painful thing I have ever had to admit. Just thought i’d speak up here. The stories I have read from you ladies sound pretty bad; sometimes leaving is the only option. That said, my perspective is from the other side of the fence.

I have only been married for 3 years (as of this week) but have been supporting my wife financially for the last seven years. I encouraged her to get her masters degree instead of a job, then after getting her degree, when she couldn’t find work, I encouraged her to start her own freelance business. I have never been great about helping around the house, but I’ve always tried to be supportive of her. I’ve known something was wrong for the last 18 months or so, as she has been less and less circumspect about avoiding me. She took a part time job, but set her hours so that she would leave before I got home, and not get home until after 10pm.

I came home last month and had to tell my wife I had been laid off. She seemed supportive that night, but the next day as she was leaving said she wouldn’t be coming home. She has been gone for 5 weeks, and will not talk to me about what is going on.

About a year ago her father had a stroke, and she has been seeing a therapist with her siblings; after that I began to notice that she wouldn’t talk to me about the things that worried/excited her.

The last 6 months she has been going to a counselor by herself (in secret) as well as the couples counseling we were attending. Now she will not speak to me, go to counseling, respond to texts or emails, and claims that I am violating her ‘boundaries’ when I try to talk to her.

I have been pushed so far, and treated with such contempt that I no longer even want to save my marriage.

and that is the most painful thing I have ever had to admit.

]]> By: EM http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-leave-your-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-40397 EM Fri, 17 Feb 2012 08:44:45 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2857#comment-40397 Maybe you can help me figure out what to do with some advice. I am 21 and have been married since 18. I have been with the same guy since I was 15. He is 23. We have both cheated. I have left twice. The first time he cried and promised to change if I let him stay. The second time it was more I moved out but he was over almost ever day and spent several nights. Our fights do become violent sometimes. We do have two children together now. We both bring up past events in our relationship mostly bad one and mostly in fights. I have been considering leaving him for a few months now and here are my reasons why..... 1) no financial help ... he refuses to get a job due to my past cheating and my current medical state. We have been living off my grandma for several years now. I tried to get a job and did but it ended with them not giving me enough time to make a difference so i left. Reason 2) laziness....I can go thru my entire house and clean it have all trash picked up and he will change a diaper and leave it sit....One day i let it sit to see how long it would take for him to pick it up it ended up taking him a week to throw it away. Reason 3) refusal to comparmise...example we have 7 cats and our son has asthma I asked him if we could get rid of 5 cats and we each pick one cat to keep I was told no he cant live without his cats...he also refuses to clean out the boxes more than once a week and when i go to do it he yells at me and starts becoming a butthole. Reason 4) treatment of our kids... like tonight our son was asleep on the floor instead of picking him up by supporting his neck and putting an arm under his legs to pick him up he grabbed his ankle dangled him upside down and then flipped him on the bed (our son is 21 months old)...and then with our duaghter he will hold her head and force her bottle in her mouth and wont let her spit it out and she will start to gag. A few things have made me stay like he says that if i leave then he wants nothing to do with his children and i want our kids to have a father in their life. I do know that I have to do what is right for my kids first and foremost and what is right for me second. Maybe you can help me figure out what to do with some advice. I am 21 and have been married since 18. I have been with the same guy since I was 15. He is 23. We have both cheated. I have left twice. The first time he cried and promised to change if I let him stay. The second time it was more I moved out but he was over almost ever day and spent several nights. Our fights do become violent sometimes. We do have two children together now. We both bring up past events in our relationship mostly bad one and mostly in fights. I have been considering leaving him for a few months now and here are my reasons why….. 1) no financial help … he refuses to get a job due to my past cheating and my current medical state. We have been living off my grandma for several years now. I tried to get a job and did but it ended with them not giving me enough time to make a difference so i left. Reason 2) laziness….I can go thru my entire house and clean it have all trash picked up and he will change a diaper and leave it sit….One day i let it sit to see how long it would take for him to pick it up it ended up taking him a week to throw it away. Reason 3) refusal to comparmise…example we have 7 cats and our son has asthma I asked him if we could get rid of 5 cats and we each pick one cat to keep I was told no he cant live without his cats…he also refuses to clean out the boxes more than once a week and when i go to do it he yells at me and starts becoming a butthole. Reason 4) treatment of our kids… like tonight our son was asleep on the floor instead of picking him up by supporting his neck and putting an arm under his legs to pick him up he grabbed his ankle dangled him upside down and then flipped him on the bed (our son is 21 months old)…and then with our duaghter he will hold her head and force her bottle in her mouth and wont let her spit it out and she will start to gag. A few things have made me stay like he says that if i leave then he wants nothing to do with his children and i want our kids to have a father in their life. I do know that I have to do what is right for my kids first and foremost and what is right for me second.

]]> By: Elizabeth williams http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-leave-your-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-20232 Elizabeth williams Mon, 09 May 2011 17:17:21 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2857#comment-20232 Thank you for your advice in your new article and you are so right. Thank you for your advice in your new article and you are so right.

]]> By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-leave-your-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-20027 Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Wed, 04 May 2011 23:55:47 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2857#comment-20027 Dear Elizabeth, Thank you for sharing your life here! That took guts. I wrote an article for you: <a href="http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/when-you-cant-tell-your-family-how-your-husband-treats-you/" rel="nofollow">When You Can’t Tell Your Family How Your Husband Treats You</a> I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts there. Blessings, Laurie Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for sharing your life here! That took guts.

I wrote an article for you:

When You Can’t Tell Your Family How Your Husband Treats You

I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts there.

Blessings,
Laurie

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