How to Leave Your Husband When You’re Trapped in a Bad Marriage
She asked how to leave her husband because she’s trapped in a bad marriage – a reader on my “7 Ways to Tell if Your Marriage is Over” article. Ending a marriage is difficult, but leaving your husband is sometimes the only way to create the life you want.
These tips may help you figure out if it’s time to leave when you feel trapped.
Before the tips, a quip:
“When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they ‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to,” said American writer Helen Rowland.
Are you just beginning to understand your husband and your marriage — and it’s worse than you expected? Then maybe it’s time to leave him. If you’re confused about leaving your husband, read Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go.
And here are several things to think about as you prepare to leave your husband when you’re trapped in a bad marriage…
Trapped in a Bad Marriage? Tips for Leaving Your Husband…
Prepare your children – the family is changing
Some kids will want to know everything, and others won’t. A separation or divorce will be traumatic for some, and a relief for others. It may be difficult to find the emotional and mental energy to talk to your kids about the separation, but it’s a mistake to leave them in the dark. If you’re leaving your husband, try to give your kids the time, attention, and answers they deserve. The smoother you try to make their transition, the smoother yours will be.
Make sure you’re financially stable
You don’t need enough money to live on for a long time, but you should have at least three months of living expenses saved up. Figure out how much money you’ll need to spend on rent, household bills, transportation, and other expenses. If you need to borrow money, don’t be embarrassed or ashamed to ask a family member – it’s just a loan, and most relatives want to help if they can. You can reassure both them and yourself that you’ll pay it back — read Tips for Lending Money to Friends or Family Members.
Prepare for awkward moments with friends
You’ll lose some friends if you leave your husband — even if it’s a bad marriage. You’ll keep some friends, and you may have to defend yourself to others. Be prepared for a wide range of possible reactions from friends: anger, grief, shock, disbelief, etc. This was one of the questions my reader asked about, on 7 Ways to Tell if Your Marriage is Over.
Prepare for painful moments with family members
Separation or divorce can be very hard on extended family members, such as parents in-law, aunts, uncles, siblings, grandparents, and cousins. Leaving your husband isn’t just about you, your husband, and your marriage; it affects the people you’re related to. Try not to feel guilty about your decision to separate – you’re making a decision that best suits your life. But, remember that family members may take it hard.
Take inventory of the household items you want to keep
Dividing the possessions you acquired as a couple may be difficult, especially if you’ve been married for decades. Figuring out who gets what may be part of the divorce negotiations, or it could be decided by you and your husband privately. Either way, it’s smart to decide in advance what you absolutely must keep, what you want but will part with, and what you’re happy to let your husband have. You may lose cherished items…and that may be one of the costs of leaving a bad marriage. If you think you’ll struggle with money after you leave, read Preparing Financially for a Divorce.
Join a divorce or “I left my husband” support group
Often, the best way to overcome or survive anything – including leaving your husband – is to spend time with people who have “been there, done that.” Or, who are currently doing it! Find people who are experiencing the same situation and emotions as you – it doesn’t even have to be a formal divorce support group. Be honest about what you’re going through and the type of help you need.
Learn about different ways to get divorced
Self-representation, divorce mediation, collaborative divorce, and litigation are all described in Leaving Your Husband or Wife – 4 Ways to File for Divorce. You don’t need to make any decisions about divorce right away, but it may be good to start thinking about your options.
Knowing how to leave your husband involves letting go of someone you love. Letting go isn’t something you do once and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy. Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days, peaks and valleys.
If you’re considering divorce, you may find 101 Things to Do the First Year of Your Divorce helpful.
Love and Relationship Help
- Is He Cheating? Learn the Truth
- Free Online Marriage Help – Mort Fertel
- Captivate Him – Be the Woman He Never Wants to Leave
For Broken Relationships
- The Breakup Wasn’t Your Choice? Get Your Ex Back
- The Sparks Will Fly! The Magic of Making Up
- How to Let Go of Someone You Love
If you have any thoughts on how to leave your husband when you’re trapped in a bad marriage, please comment below.
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Divorce Care Tips, Love & Relationships
Thank you for your advice in your new article and you are so right.
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for sharing your life here! That took guts.
I wrote an article for you:
When You Can’t Tell Your Family How Your Husband Treats You
I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts there.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi everyone,
I can relate to your problems. i do hope you get the courage to move on and do what is good for you. Most times, we women want to please everyone, we want to have kids to please our men, we want to be good mothers to our kids, but we never think of pleasing ourselves. we all have one life to live, live it well. Time will never come back, if you wanted that masters course go ahead! if you wanted to learn french or italian go ahead, if you wanted to live in spain go ahead. its your life.
Dont hate the men in your lives,they did not force you to get married or have children, or be that stay at home mum. Take responsibility for your lives, until you do just that you will always blame everyone else.
I and my husband are born again christians. Since I have been married for the past 4 years I have been paying the rent by my self and the car note. My husband is to pay the cable bill and the light bill, and cell phone bill. He doesent even pay that on time. We have had two repo cars. I usually always pay the car note but this time I paid 250 and told him to pay 110, and It dident get paid, therefore on christmas eve our car got repoed. (keep in mind he drives it every day) My children are not biologically his. He yells at them and hurts there feelings and I get on him about that all the time. The next minute he is playing with them. He has even drawed his hands up at them like he would hit them, but he has never hit them. He has medical coverage at his job but he has dropped mines. I am a bit over 5,000 dollars in medical bills debt. and when a debt recovery assistant asked can he at least pay 150 a month off of his vista to start paying on my medical bills he refruses. (keep in mind my medical insurance was dropped because I got married) but he has always kept his.and he has no health problems I do. If things need fixed around the house he neglets to do it and soon as he gets off work he hops on the bed and watch sports. He keeps his money in his pockets when we go out to eat and I spend mines. We have never been on vacation not even to the beach.I do all outside chores. Every week I have to give him gas money to get to work. *and I am positive he is not on drugs hes just stingey and waste his money. Most of the time we only have sexual relations once every two weeks. (if that) and on top of that he is extremely jellous and tells me what to wear, and where to go at times. He seems to always be in an ill mood. and this week he askes can he pawn my jewelery to get extra money. I know I am a christian and believe in marrage, he is not an abrusive man at all but how much of this do I have to take? Please help I need advice and I had to get it all out no one knows whats going on in my family I have kept quiet all these years.
Dear Ashley,
I’m very sorry to hear what you’re going through, and wish you all the best as you prepare to leave your husband.
I need to leave my husband he gives me no physical or emotional love. He doesn’t work and he thinks that it is okay and he blows up on me if I tell him that he needs to get a job. I once broke down and started crying and saying how stressed I was and how every burden was on me and he didn’t even say I am gonna help you it was more like just take it easy. we have a 19 month old together but this isn’t the kind of life I want for her. I am scared I have never been on my own. I am only 22. I have no family support. I hate the idea of being alone with out a companion. I know that I barely have one right now but still…I don’t think I could afford to live on my own…I am so scared so alone…I really hate my life. Except for my daughter she is my only joy….
Dear me,
What do you want out of your life? If you want to leave your husband, can you line up what you need to leave?
I am 40.. moved also to the basement for my own sanity.. Can not deal with husband any longer.. He yells consontly..never a quiet moment in my house.. 2 great kids, but they are pickn up on his habits.. slept in my bed alone for 10 years now.. tooo young to give up for this.. am i alone?
Dear Diana,
It sounds like you need to sit down with a counselor and talk through all this stuff that’s in your head! You’re getting pushed and pulled in many different directions, which isn’t conducive to making a huge life decision.
I encourage you to talk to someone objective, who isn’t invested in your life. If you can’t talk to a counselor, call a distress line or help line. You need to separate all these issues that are running wild in your head, and figure out the best course of action for YOU and your son.
Also, I encourage you not to let your husband’s financial future affect your current decision. Whatever happens to your husband financially is a consequence of how he is living his life, and shouldn’t be your concern. He’s an adult who will take care of himself — you’d be surprised at how resilient and strong people are!
I wish you all the best as you decide if you should leave your husband, and urge you to talk to a counselor in person.
You may also find Letting Go of Someone You Love: 75 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart and Let Go of the Past helpful.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi. My husband and will be married 9 years in December. When we got married in 2001, he had two sons and I had a son, all of which lived with us full time. Neither of our Non Custodial Parents are involved with these children. Now, his boys are 14 and 16 and my son is 10. Since being married, we have added 3 more sons and a daughter, for a total of 6 boys and a girl. I have been a stay at home mom almost the full 9 years. I did work for about a year after our daughter was born, but it just proved too difficult and was putting too much on my disabled mother, who was caring for my two small ones that were home at the time. Our youngest will be 2 in December. We are finally on our way to having all our children a bit older and more easily managed. I will say that I’ve finally come to the realization that I married my husband out of fear of being alone. It took me a long time to understand what I had done. I love my husband. He is a good a father, giving baths and cooking and changing diapers. He’s a good husband and tries to make me happy. I truly believe that he loves me so much more than I love him. As I said, I love him and don’t want to hurt him, but, I am not “in love” with him. I’m not positive that I ever was. In any case, I’m just not sure what to do or how to do things. I don’t want to hurt him. We have 4 children together. His boys won’t care if I’m gone. They are horrible to me and only get worse by the day. They have been horrible to me since I met them and nothing has ever changed. They’re terrible to my son. I can’t stand the constant fighting that goes on in our house. I’m not happy. I know my son isn’t happy. My other little ones are doing fine but this is all they know. My son isn’t close to my husband, even though they’ve been together since my son was a year and a half old. My husband does have a temper and will sometimes fly off the handle. He has thrown things and put holes in walls. He has gotten in my face and even spit on me during arguments. He has never actually hurt me or touched me, so I always just moved past the fights. He’s obnoxious with the children and can be scary at any time. I worry about them. He’s a bit rough on his boys at times. He has never really touched my son or the other little ones, but he is loud and again, scary. I am constantly battling him over the treatment of his boys compared to my son. His boys are rude and smart mouthed and irresponsible and careless. My son is sensitive and loving and quiet and loves to make me happy. They are different children and deserved to be treated differently. I can’t handle situations with his boys the same as I do with my son. His boys need stern reprimands and punishments and they still don’t listen or care. My son, on the other hand, is a different ballgame. If I look at him too harshly or scold him in any way, tears well up in his eyes and he hangs his head. He hates to disappoint and hates to upset me. I only have to look at him with disappointment on my face and he practically punishes himself. My husband is always saying that I treat them differently and am easy on my son while throwing the book at his kids. Not the case. Anyhow, I apologize for being all over the place with everything. Things are just coming to mind here and there as I write. My parents admitted to me that they don’t know how I’ve stayed as long as I have. My aunt said I need to leave. My best friend told me that my brother hates my husband and how he treats me but has said that as long as I put up with it, he will, too. I worry about my husband parents and family and what they’ll say. I worry about what will happen with my husband as far as child support/alimony goes. I don’t want to ruin him and put him in the “poor house.” There’s just so much in my head. I don’t know what’s right. I DO know I’m NOT happy. I believe that my children don’t get the best of me because I’m not happy. This is not the life I ever planned.
Camille, afte reading your comment I felt like I was reading my own life. I too am going through a very similar experience. I plan on leaving my husband, but I have to get some things organized first. The best place may be a bookstore to get some information on what things to get in order first. This is your life, don’t stay unless you really want too. Find books or websites that will help you. You know what’s best for you! Best Regards-Julie
Hello, I have been in a relationship for 15 years, living together for 14 years. It feels as though we are married. We moved to a different area last year and I have not been happy ever since. I hated the move and other things just started to happen with me. I’ve been calling it a mid-life crisis. My 44th birthday was approaching (last Dec) and I started to think about my life and where I am and the things I have. Bottom line…It is not where I thought I would be at my age. I started to look at him and who he is, what he does for me and I became very unhappy…close to being depressed. I have been this way for almost a year now. He is who he is and he is not going to change. I feel I have changed and I need more in my life. My feelings toward him have changed. He has never been nasty to me. He does take care of me in his own way and we get along very well. We actually have fun together. It’s just that I am not in-love with him anymore. I have been contemplating about moving back to AZ where my family is; but, it’s been very difficult for me to get motivated to do so. I don’t even know where to begin the packing process. We have accumulated so many things together; but, a part of me just wants to start over. Begin a new chapter in my life. I don’t want to hurt him and that is another reason why I haven’t left yet. I take care of him…cooking, laundry, market…basic wife duties. I worry about how he will manage without me. I know I can’t stay because of that though. It would not be fair to either of us and I will most likely regret it later in life. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. Can anyone shed some light my way? Are there any resources out there for issues like this? Help! Please!
Sounds like you should stand your ground and not let your grown children or your adult husband run your life. What ever makes you the happiest you should do, and do it now!
I know my marriage of 30 years is over. It is toast. We have two wonderful girls, the youngest is just 19. Her fighting with her Dad has acted as a catalyst to our separation. I allowed my husband to convince me not to press for divorce, and not to sell our house either. Instead he promised to move to the basement so we can each have our own space. This was to be temporary, and we could both try it and see how it fits for us. We agreed we could both date, and that neither of us would bring anyone home out of respect for the other. I wanted to get things in writing, but my husband convinced me this would not be needed as we were both trustworthy. He was almost moved into the basement totally, when my 19 year old Daughter asked to move back into our house! She moved out and had been living with her Aunt and Uncle since the big ruckus. She told my husband she wished to return, but not into her old room, as this caused her to feel like too much of a child. She asked to move into the basement. I said: No, that would not be possible, as her Dad is living there. He said: “ok with me”..and is planning to move back upstairs. He tells me we can “surely be adults about this, if we have managed 30 years together, surely we can do a few more months, perhaps one year?”
I told my husband he was being manipulated by our daughter, and that I was being manipulated by him! He said he did not care what I thought or felt! Then I told him I was going to start the divorce, plus sell the house..or course he got angry, flew into a rage, starting shouting..(he is very big, and I am not) I backed off, and that is where I am at now…feeling weak and helpless. I do not understand why I am such a wuss when it comes to him! I am not in any other way and I am educated etc with a very good job! I do not know what to do next, please comment. This occured last night, I went to the swimming pool nearby and swam 55 laps! I sure felt better after that, but I must find a solution. My husband is a great guy, but he is angry and has had rage problems all along. I choose to stay when the girls were little,but the reality is the youngest will soon be on her own too. What is the matter with me??
Hi Kelly,
It sounds like you and your husband have been through alot together, especially since you’re a military family! That puts different strains and stresses on a marriage — and, on the upside, it gives you a lot of very cool experiences to share.
While I can’t tell you if you should leave your husband, I can encourage you to talk to a counselor. Maybe marriage counseling, maybe individual counselor, maybe a little of both. You and your husband have years of marriage to sort out, and it’s not gonna happen in this comments section!
I was reading a marriage book today, and it said that the majority (like, 80%) of people who seek divorce regret it. The book is called “Take Back Your Marriage”, and it’s one of the best books on marriage I’ve read.
Here are a couple of articles that may help you figure out what step to take next:
Should I Leave My Husband? Help Deciding Whether to Stay or Go
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay – Help for Failing Marriages
I hope this helps…and I wish you all the best with your marriage. Talk to a counselor — even a session or two can help you think more clearly!
Best wishes,
Laurie
Well I have been married for almost 11 yrs now and we have 2 great sons. We are a military family and move around quite a bit. 7yrs ago we had a rough patch in our relationship(young, my brother passed away, i was on steroids 3 times in one year). 5 yrs ago we made another move to another state and we were doing good, so I thought. Well one day I found out he cheated on me. Some how I was able to move on and stay with him. Well we made another move and this time out of the country. Things were better than ever. Until the other morning I checked my email and got a message from our old neighbor from 7yrs ago. He wanted to let me know how he just found out his wife and my husband had been screwing each other. I asked my husband about it he admits to only certain things and claims he never had sex with her. Im having a hard time beliving him. Im not sure what I do from here. He swears it will never happen again and begs me to stay. Im scared if i stay and we hit another rough patch he’ll go run again. I feel sick when I look at him. I dont even want to be in the same building as him. on the other I do love him and I know he has changed(in the last 3yrs) and has tried to his fullest to be the best husband. I know I want to stay but how do I do that when I cant even look at him? Do I leave him or stay and try to work things out?
Kelly
Dear Nisa,
I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s affair, and that you’re thinking about leaving him. It’s difficult to end a marriage, even when it’s not a happy, healthy one!
Have you tried marriage counseling — or just counseling on your own? Sometimes it helps to have an objective, professional viewpoint. We get mired in our thoughts and issues, and that makes it difficult to see our husbands or marriages clearly.
Let me know what you think about couples or individual counseling…
Laurie
Hi
Im married for 4 years and I have a son who is turning 3 soon.
Its been 9mths I suspected my husband is having an affair. I did not caught him with my eyes yet but through phone. When I call, girl will pick up the phone while he claims he need to work.. Have shown alot of changes in his attitude towards me. I feel no more love at all. I did sit down and talk but he just dont admit. I did gave him amper time to leave her as he claims he still wants the family.. But I think, he is getting too much. I cant tolerate anymore living with full of his lies day by day…. How can I hate him and move on. I did tried but I cant as deep in me I still loves him so much