How Do You Help a Grieving Friend? 5 Ideas and Tips
Walk Beside Your Grieving Friend
Knowing how to help a grieving friend cope with death, loss, or major life problems is an important part of friendship. These tips will help you help someone who is grieving a death, divorce, or any type of loss.
Remember that you can’t make things better, but you can walk beside them as they cope.
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand,” said Henri Nouwen. “The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
Simply being silent with your friend can give him or her strength, and help her mourn in a healthy way. If you don’t feel comfortable sitting in silence, you may find When You Don’t Know What to Say: How to Help Your Grieving Friends helpful.
And, here are five ways to help a friend who is mourning…
How Do You Help a Grieving Friend?
Coping with grief is an individual process, but there are stages of grief that most people go through. Part of supporting a sad friend is accepting that the stages of grief are a natural part of the mourning process. Let your friend mourn in her own way.
The stages of grief are disbelief, yearning, anger, depression and acceptance. These stages apply to a variety of losses, from coping with a pet’s death to divorce. Research shows that the stages of grief last approximately six months; the grieving process usually lightens after that. When you’re supporting a grieving friend, remember that your role is to be a friend (not a grief counselor or grief expert).
You can’t solve every problem or make everything alright again.
Find practical ways to help your grieving friend
To me, this is the best tip for helping a friend in mourning: bring meals that freeze well and can be heated up in a few days or weeks. Offer to do laundry, grocery shopping, or errand running. If your friend has kids, volunteer to take them to sports practices or ballet lessons. Your friend may not have the energy or strength to deal with the trivialities of everyday life. Your help will go a long way.
If you haven’t given a gift or card, consider a “thinking of you” sympathy gift basket
Stay connected – don’t stop calling or visiting
You may feel awkward and helpless when your friend is mourning, but don’t let your own feelings of discomfort stop you from reaching out. When my friend was coping with breast cancer, some of her friends simply stopped calling because they didn’t know want to say.
Grief support – honoring your friend’s loss – involves sending cards or calling on anniversaries, holidays or birthdays, or sending thoughtful cards. Make a note of important dates, and honor them.
Locate helpful resources about grief, death, or support groups
When your friend is dealing with death, divorce, or loss, she may not think she needs grief support groups or grief counseling. Maybe her mourning is too fresh to seek help — but in the future, she may be grateful for information about grief support. You might want to tactfully mention the bereavement counseling services nearby, or suggest grief support networks on the internet.
You could even refer them to online articles, such as 4 Tips for Grieving Widows or Widowers.
Listen to your friend without judgement or interruptions
Help a grieving friend by taking her out for coffee and offering to listen. Ask her to tell you all about her loss. Coping with grief is more difficult when there’s nobody to talk to; a good friend just listens.
When my friend’s grandpa died, a mutual friend took her out for coffee and asked her to share everything she remembered about her grandpa. It was the perfect way to help a grieving friend!
If you’re looking for more concrete ways of expressing your sympathy, read When Grandpa Dies – Sympathy Gifts That Cost Nothing But Time.
Watch for unhealthy reactions, such as depression
Keep an eye on your friend for unhealthy responses to death, such as physical signs of depression, extreme weight loss, or social isolation. If your friend really seems to be struggling through the mourning process, talk to a grief expert or contact a grief support group.
You may also find What Do I Do When Someone Dies? Funeral Planning Help helpful.
If you have any questions on these tips for helping a grieving friend, I welcome you below…
Category: Emotional Health Tips, Friendship Tips, Grief & Recovery Tips, Mind & Soul, Psychology Tips
My 10 year old daughter who was born severely disabled and my husband and I were told would probably be still born died last december 2010. I’m having trouble getting past my intense feelings of grief. I also work as a Hospice nurse and work with the terminally ill and their families every day. I’m taking a disability leave from my job and am doing counseling and finally going to a support group for bereaved parents. I think I’m doing everything I can but I still feel like I will always grieve her as deeply as I am now. Is there anything else I can do?
My bffs parents are getting a divorce. She is balling her eyes out. Will this help? I am not even sure what to do because her parents acted so kind to one another. Should I give her a gift or will that make her even more sad? Should I take her out on a chick night on the day her dad is moving out? Please Help!!!
My boyfriend, just recently got told his dog had cancer. I realize this isn’t as serious as losing a family member, but that dog was like family to him.
Any way, he has to put him to sleep and he dosen’t want to. He loves that dog more than anything, so his mom is going to take him instead. What’s something comforting I could tell him to give him peace at mind?
My oldboyfriend just died today and I miss him so much already. He died of asbestos cancer and it was a very sad death but he is out of pain now and the doctors gave him one year and he died within exactly 25 days of the time he was given. Not once in the entire year did I ever hear my friend complain of having a bad day. He might of said that he was uncomfortable, but he never would say that he was having a shitty day or that he was depressed, he was the most unbelievable person I have ever met in my entire life. He was so ready to meet God and was so at peace with his creator. I use to go and sit with him at night and we never talked about his illness because he knew that I knew that he was sick and dying, so he knew that there was no need for words and so I just was there for comfort and he knew he could close his eyes and I was there just for comfort for him to have company for him. I loved him truly and in the end he knew just how much. I broke his heart once but I made my amend to him and he died knowing that I was a good friend and sober and clean when he died. I want to make him happy and I know that he is going to keep his eye on me and I feel it so strongly as I sit and write this to you. I whispered in his ear the last time that I was with him to say hello to God for me.
Y’know there is no right and wrong way to deal with grief. Although I find always find comfort in talking to a friend. There is a facebook group and site dedicated to help grieving called HelpMeGrieve. It’s quite sweet.
I have a friend who’s wife passed away last Dec. his father in March and his Mother two days ago. We were best friends but he seems to shut me out and wants to be alone. I feel so bad but dont know how to help. What can I do?
Thank you
I’m not superstitious, but I really like the idea of our souls going somewhere after we die. I believe in God – I’m a spiritual person – and it does help to know that the people I’ve loved and lost are in Heaven.
Maybe some grieving friends (including boyfriends!) may feel better knowing that their loved ones are in a place far better, where there’s no pain or evil. We don’t know what happens after we die…but it helps me to think it’s good, hopeful, and beautiful.
Paris,
The only thing I could do to help my boyfriend grieve was to tap into spirituality/superstition. I am a superstitious person, so I got him a black onyx stone, which helps a person grieve with the passing of a loved one, maybe you could try something along those lines? Even if the both of you don’t believe, it’ll still make him feel better so he knows you are thinking of him.
~SM
He seems to be sleeping better, but I still don’t believe that he is genuinely okay. I know he is creating walls and is trying to fill his life with a lot of activities to hide behind, so I’m still unsure how to help him open up; if it can’t be to me, at least someone else who he can trust. My family and I have brought over a few meals and such, so the article was helpful, but I still don’t think it’s enough. If you or any readers have suggestions let me know.
Thanks,
SM
Dear Paris,
I’m sorry to hear how your boyfriend’s friend died — that’s so sad. Suicide is a terribly difficult thing to mourn and recover from. My heart goes out to you and your boyfriend — and his friend’s family.
I wrote this article for you:
How to Help Your Boyfriend Cope With the Death of a Loved One
I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts here or there.
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear SM,
I’m sorry I missed your comment. I hope your boyfriend is doing better, and that you have found ways to support him in his grief.
Here’s an article that may help:
When Your Boyfriend’s Parent Dies – Thoughtful Ways to Help
If you’re still concerned about him and need tips for helping him grieve, please let me know!
Blessings,
Laurie
me and my boyfriend have been together for a few months now, but have been friends for a while. he recently lost his friend to suicide, to which he carried out CPR. He doesnt want to talk about it or even talk to me at all really, he said he just wants some time alone, but i just feel helpless i want to help him through this situation, but dont know how. or how long i should leave him have time alone? what could i do?
Thanks
My boyfriend’s dad just died yesterday. He is the eldest of three. I’m guessing he is holding back his grief or trying to be strong because he says how is he doing good, or he’ll rapidly change subjects and keep conversations moving between us. Sometimes I catch him staring deeply into space. What can I do to help him open up without prying? Because I think that someone needs to openly grieve to start the process. How do I show him that I’m here for him? I miss his dad too, I’ve been very close to his family, and I try not to cry in front of him. Suggestions?
Dear Felicia and brownsugga,
I am so sorry to hear about your boyfriends’ grief! Losing a parent is so difficult and sad, especially when we’re young
I wrote this article for both of you, because your situations are so similar:
4 Thoughtful Ways to Help When Your Boyfriend’s Parent Dies
The most important thing to remember when helping him – or any friend – who is grieving is to let him grieve in his own way, at his own pace. I think it’s healthy and good to cry when we’re mourning – especially for me who are often raised to be strong, tough, and stoic!
I hope the article helps, and welcome your thoughts here or there.
Blessings,
Laurie
my boyfriend just lost his mother , we are in a longdistance relationship, im in ny and he is in mississippi, the care packacge seems like a great idea i would have to look for stores online in mississippi and send it to him from there. i call him try to avalaible as much as possible my schedule is crazee we skype. my finances are in a bind but ima be as resourceful as possible. his other siblings arent doing well at all, his sister is the hospital sick with cancer im not sure if she know her mother passed away. The online tribute is great but i dont have picks of his family, we seperated yrs ago and reconnected again through facebook , i dont know his sisters well we meet yrs ago so i dont want to be forward and try to reach out to them.
hey,
Im Felicia,
my Boyfriend lost his dad couple of days ago and he is not able to cope with the situation yet, as he is the eldest in his family so he is finding it quite quite hard to over come the whole situation..
im very worried about him. i dont live anywhere near him he live far from me at the distance of 4 hour drive and it is very difficult for me to visit him, i offer him every king of help i could but still no progress..
i really need your help as i cant bare his pain, he cry all the time now as he is finding it difficult to make a living and to study same time he is only 21. Reply me soon love you and take care
stay blessed,
One of the best ways to help grieving friends is to ask them how you can help. They might come up with ways to help that you’d never have thought of on your own.
Hi Janet,
It sounds like you’re a good friend who wants to help, but not be bothersome! The best type of friend to have
You’ve asked a great question, but it’s difficult to answer without knowing this man’s personality. Introverts, for instance, don’t need as much contact and interpersonal communication as extroverts. Also, people in different stages of mourning may need different types of support.
I encourage you to keep up the monthly talks, for sure. In between those talks, perhaps you could send him a card, interesting newspaper clipping, or some little thing that shows him you’re thinking of him. Invite him to call you anytime.
You might also ask him if he wants to talk about how he’s doing, or if he’d prefer not to talk about it. He’s the best person to tell you how he’d like to be approached….and I think it’s smart to ask him what he prefers. He may not be comfortable asking for support, but if you offer it, then he might be able to accept or decline.
I hope this helps a little…it’s so sad that he lost his daughter, isn’t it? I can’t even imagine — it’s the worst thing a parent can face.
Blessings,
Laurie
I have a grieving friend who lost his young daughter a few months ago. His family and extended family provide alot of support and live in town, so I’m not sure how often I should be contacting him, if he is getting calls everyday from relatives, I don’t want to be a burden bothering him and asking how he is doing over again. I do not live in town so it is hard to tell what I can do, and how much support is wanted from me. We used to talk almost monthly. I want to be supportive and listen to how he is doing every week, but how much is too much?
Janet
Hi Laurie,
My situation is worse! Could you please read and advise me…and there’s another comment there too. We’re both under your difficult parents for adult children section. Any help would be so greatly appreciated!
Thanks, Lynn
Dear Theresa,
I’m sorry to hear about your friend….and it’s understandable that you’re uncertain about how to help her.
It sounds like you’re doing all a friend can do. We could all use a friend like you! You’re there for her, providing practical and emotional support. You’re helping her grieve the end of her marriage — and the end of any possible hopes she had for it.
One suggestion I have is to get her up and moving. Staying in bed creates feelings of inertia — it’s a downward spiral. Inactivity breeds inactivity, and she needs to get moving, get her heart pumping, get the oxygen flowing through her veins. Invite her for a walk somewhere, or take her to an exercise class. Do something physical with her — and I think being out in nature is best. Hiking trails, walking in parks, doing yoga outside.
Another thing is to be careful not to foster dependence, or enable her depression and inertia. When you divorced, you said you had to get out of bed because you had a toddler. If your friend has no reason to get out of bed, maybe she needs one! And if you’re bringing food and helping around the house, then her reason for getting up is gone.
I hope this helps, and wish you and your friend all the best…she WILL recover, but you’re right that it takes time!
Oh yes; I just wrote an ebook on saying goodbye, letting go, and moving on with your life. Perhaps it’ll help your friend. Here’s the link:
Letting Go of Someone You Love: 75 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart and Let Go of the Past
Blessings,
Laurie
I have a friend who has been separated for a year, divorce was final in June, but her ex was begging her back for about 6 months now. Last weekend, he told her he has someone new and is in love and told her she was fat and he wanted her out of his life and to leave him alone. It was an ugly hurtful situation, but he closed the door for good. Problem is she had always known she would never take him back, but felt the need to know he still wanted her. And the worst of it is he lives literally down the street in the house they lived in during their marriage, so she sees him come and go, and the visual she has of this girl being in the house she was in has become overwhelming. She has been in bed for the past 2 1/2 days and cannot eat and only wants to sleep. She is not suicidal and has depression meds to take, but without eating they make her unbearably nauseous. She has teenage children, but nothing that forces her to get out of bed and function, as I had when I divorced wtih a 2 1/2 year old. So my question is, other than checking on her, sitting with her to let her talk, taking dinners for her kids, and just basically holding her hand, what can I do to help her get through this? I have told her I understand, it’s like mourning a death, a death of the marriage, a death of the relationship. But other than what I have said I’m doing, I don’t know what next steps to take.
I have a friend who just lost his wife of 29 years to cancer. We all went to school together and have remained good friends over the years. They were high school sweethearts then married after high school. They have been together for so long he is just lost without her in his life. He will post his feelings on facebook and it hurts me so much to know he is hurting this much. Its only been a week since her death and 3 days since her funeral. I know with time the hurt will cease abit. We all go to the same church and he relys on God for the strength to get through this but I just don’t know what to do to help him through this rough time.
So very sorry for everyone on this post site that have lost a loved one. May the Lord bless you, comfort you and give you that strength from within to carry on.
God Bless
Becky
What a great article! I’m a hospice social worker, as well as a freelance writer, and I wish more friends got the advice to listen without judgment or without trying to say things to make the grief go away. Friends also need to know that even if the bereaved asks hard questions, they don’t have to come up with answers–it’s perfectly okay to say, “I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem fair, does it?”
Keep up the great work.
Debra
Dear ooshiegirl,
I think you should trust your gut instincts on how to help your grieving ex-boyfriend! Yes, I think you should respect his wishes and let him grieve alone. Men mourn differently than women, and I think you’re absolutely right that the breakup may affect your ability to give him friendly comfort.
Have you considered sending him a card in a week or so? Just a friendly “in sympathy” card that tells him that you’re there if he needs to talk. If he wants to call and talk, he will. I believe that one of the best ways to help a grieving friend is to follow his lead. If a card via snail mail isn’t an option, then I suggest an email or other message.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best. It must be very difficult to be getting over your relationship breakup while you know he’s in such pain!
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear Francinah,
I’m so sorry I missed your comment — I just now saw it. If you’re still around, please let me know how you are doing.
Laurie
Ok, I’m in a complicated situation. My long time and very serious boyfriend (who’s 21- I’m 20) broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. I still love him, and I still want to get him back, but I was giving him space and time alone. But last week he called me to tell me that his father had died suddenly of a brain aneurysm. He was an only child, and his father was his best friend. And now I don’t know what I can do to help. I offered to go up there to keep him company (he’s in new york and i’m in Texas for the summer), but he said all he wanted was to be alone and to have some space. I totally respect this, but I’m not sure what to do to help. I think part of the reason is that he still associates seeing me with the negativity surrounding our break up, and so I understand why he wouldn’t want to. But I’m worried, because he’s the kind of person who will try to be strong for his mom and won’t ask for help for himself. Should I wait a week or two and then call him to tell him that I’m available to talk when and if he’s ready? Or should I just not do or say anything and stay completely away like he asked? I don’t want him to feel alone or abandoned. What can I do to help him? I’ve never lost anyone close to me before, and I’m just afraid of doing something wrong and making his pain worse.
my boyfriend lost his 10 year old daughter last year on the 4th of november 2009 in a car accident,and again in the same month on the 28th he lost his dad due to a stroke.the whole of this past december he was sometimes okay and sometimes down.and now he tells me that he is bitter towards life, he is actually kept busy during the week days by his work.but now he really seems to have lost interest completely in life. i really want to help him, but he doesnt talk about the two deaths. please help me!
Carol,
I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter’s experience…that’s so sad. And, their loss — her fiance’s lost brother, your lost son, your lost brother…it’s very tragic.
I think spending time with people who have experienced similar loss might be helpful. I know it helps me — my husband and I are coping with infertility, and I’m comforted when I spend time with other infertile couples. It just makes me feel like we’re not in this alone, that others are going through the same thing — and surviving.
So, I suggest your daughter join a bereavement support group. She may even want to talk to the counselor who was at the school; she might be able to make an appointment to see him or her independent of the school.
Also, make sure she stays healthy by eating the right foods and getting enough sleep. Dealing with anything in life — whether it’s a tragedy like this or something simple, like a lost set of keys — is much more difficult when we’re unhealthy, tired, or suffering from lack of sleep.
Finally, I suggest she do creative things to express her grief, such as writing, drawing, painting, scrapbooking, or playing an instrument. What she does to express her feelings depends on what she likes to do — for example, not everyone is comfortable writing. But if your daughter does like to write, you could buy her a special journal to record her memories of her friend, her letters to various people (including the person who died), and her feelings about mourning and loss. This may help her process the emotions, which will help her feel better in the long run.
As you know, time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it can lessen the pain. Your daughter’s pain will fade…and she will laugh and be happy again!
I wish you well.
Laurie
By the way, the fiance lost his brother two years ago, we lost a son 9 years ago, I lost a brother 35 years ago (and still miss him-he was 3) and both my in-laws, so Ashley is familiar with loss. but this has hit her hard.
My daughter’s friend was in a serious car accident, she is critical. My daughter, Ashley, is very upset. There were counselors at the school today, but Ashley is having heart problems and a throat infection, so she wasn’t there. I want to help both my daughter and her finance deal with this but am not sure how. He lives with us too. My other daughter knows the injured person as well. I have suggested Ashley write her friend a letter to give to her later, but she doesn’t feel like it. Any more suggestions? One person in the car has died already.
Hi CLS,
Thanks for sharing this piece of your life…I’m so sorry you lost your daughter. Nothing compares to the pain of losing a child.
In sympathy,
Laurie
I lost my daughter 21 years ago…I only had her for three weeks and I can tell you this. You never get over it. She is always in my heart, but for three weeks in the fall, my life is hell. I relive every moment. Every song makes me cry, every baby too. I’m touchy as hell, and a certifiable whacko for those three weeks. Nobody can tell you how to deal with the pain of losing a child. Everyone is different. You deal with it however it works for you.
Hi Penny,
I’m sorry to hear about your sister’s loss; that must be incredibly painful for her — and for you, living so far away from her.
I’m not sure there’s anything specific you can say to help her as she grieves. She needs to mourn, and most of us have to mourn in our own private, individual way. It’s great that she’s in counseling, because it shows that she’s probably facing and moving through her grief.
One thing you can do is talk about her partner. Many people are afraid to bring up lost relatives, spouses, children, or even pets for fear of upsetting the person who is grieving. But, I’ve heard many grieving people say they want to talk about their dear departed loved ones. They don’t want to forget.
So, I suggest you ask if she wants to talk about her partner. Tell her you’d love to sit and listen to everything and anything she wants to say about him.
Be honest with her. You don’t know how she feels, and you can’t fully understand what she’s going through because you haven’t experienced the same loss. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be there for her! Tell her you’re thinking of her, and you’re available whenever she needs to talk.
Finally, I suggest giving her space to withdraw and be take down time for herself. She needs to grieve — and grief is healthy. It’s sad and tragic and painful, but it’s healthy to mourn and cry and wail. I don’t know how long she “should” withdraw and watch movies for; it depends on her personality, her life, the people around her, her work. I don’t think there’s a set time or pattern for grieving (even the stages of grief aren’t fixed in stone, and they’re not tied to time periods).
One last thing — ask her what you can do for her. Ask her what she needs from you. She may not know right now, and that’s okay. Maybe she doesn’t need anything from you right now, and that’s okay too. But, keep in contact with her regularly, even if you feel like you’re not really connecting with her.
I hope this helps a bit, and I wish you all the best.
Laurie
Hi there,
I really need some help, I live many miles away from a sister who lost her partner in a car accident she was also in the car at the time. I have tried to talk to her via phone make small talk but it doesn’t seem to work,
She has gone back to work as the accident was in April, she wants to leave NZ but at present cant afford it, She lives with my mother at the present as they where living with each other at the time of the accident they had talked about the future together, marriage, travel and buying a house together. She seems to be pushing mum away at present, wont talk or cuddle or anything like this, I have heard she is talking to a counselor.
What can I say over the phone or help understand what she is going through?
My sister was one of the most friendly outgoing bubbly people I know, now she has become withdrawn, very down all she wants to do is watch movies in her spare time.
How can I help her from my side of the world?
Thanks
The problem, Julz, is that it’s almost impossible to help someone who believes that he can help himself and who won’t accept outside support! He’s drowning in negativity, alcohol, and the past — and you can’t haul him out of ocean without his help. You know what it’s like trying to physically pick people up when they make themselves “dead weight”? Really hard.
The way I see it, there’s little you can do to help him from the grief perspective. I think you might need to go beyond the general options for helping grieving friends to something more serious.
Is he an alcoholic?
I suggest trying to help him from that perspective. I think he’s gone beyond “just” grieving to a more serious problem — and that requires different possible solutions.
If you’d like, I can write an article about helping alcoholic friends. I have written an article about helping an alcoholic sibling, but helping friends is different. Here’s the link to the article, in case you’re interested:
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/health-wellness/6-ways-to-help-an-alcoholic-sibling/
Let me know if you’d like me to round up some info on helping alcoholic friends, and I can post it within a day or two.
By the way, you’re being a great friend! Just don’t let yourself get caught up in being somebody or doing something that goes beyond friendship. That is, sometimes we have to let people go — even if they’re destroying themselves. We can’t save anybody; all we can do is offer a helping hand. If they don’t take it, I’m not sure if there’s anything else we can do.
Best wishes,
Laurie
I have a close friend that lost his girlfriend suddenly a year ago. They have 2 young children together. When I am around him, he talks about her…but he talks mostly of the happy times, and I am very happy to be there for him and listen to him. He seems happy to have me there when I’m around. We text often so I can keep in touch and find out how he’s doing. When we text he is very negative about being happy again, his job, and his life in general. And sometimes he is so down that he pushes me away completely! He drinks a lot when he’s at home and I think he thinks too much about his past and his future and it really stresses him out. I worry about how his negativity and drinking may effect the children. I want so much to help him, but I just don’t know how to go about it without being pushy. I have talked to him about talking to a professional or his pastor or even mine, but he is very against that, and he believes he can help himself. I would love to get him and the children out of the house, so one…he won’t drink so much, and two…he doesn’t have so much time to think about all the negatives. Do you have any suggestions about what I can do to help? I really care about him, and I really want to help him!
P.S. for “beauty”
I just wanted to add that a good first post on Heather’s blog for you to read is the one she wrote on June 30th titled “Solitary.” I think you may find that she puts words to some of your feelings and grief. Perhaps you will feel a bit less alone, and will know that there are people out there who really do understand your grief and loss.
Again, I am so very sorry for your loss.
Beauty, if you would like to connect with Jean, please do let me know! I’d be happy to give her your email address or vice versa, and you can talk in private if you’d like.
Thanks for your comments, Jean. I’m sorry for your loss, but happy to hear that the pain and grief subsides a little.
A friend of mine just lost her 19 year old son to a car accident….heartbreaking.
To “beauty”,
There is another mother who’s blog I read who very recently lost her beautiful little girl. She writes openly and honestly about her loss and her grief. Some of the people who have commented on her blog have also lost children and loved ones. Perhaps if you look at some of her posts, you might not feel quite so alone. She certainly understands and shares your pain.
Her name is Heather Spohr, and the following is the link to her blog:
http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/
I am very sorry for your loss. I do think Laurie had some good suggestions, and I hope you will be able to summon the strength to try to utilize them. You need support and understandig at this time.
Beauty…
I totally understand. We lost our daughter to cancer when she was 5 after a year of chemo and a bone marrow transplant. And while I miss her every day, it does get better. The hole in your heart never goes away but there comes a time when it doesn’t hurt near as much.
All the advice above is great and I encourage you to follow some or all. Especially the finding a support group part.
And while it’s 100% natural to miss your son, you have a daughter who needs her mommy.
If you need someone to email for support, I’d be glad to help. I’m sure there’s some way to connect.
I am so sorry for your loss. There has to be no worse pain than losing your own child — it must feel like your heart has been ripped out of your body.
I wish I had the magic words to make your loss easier, but I don’t. I can’t imagine how much pain you’re in…..but I do know you’re not alone. I’ve met many sad, despairing parents who are grieving their children’s death over the years. It’s not something you ever get over.
To help through the worst of your pain (and the first year or two will be the worst!), I suggest:
- joining a parent grief support group, so you can talk to others in the same situation. You’ll find comfort and hope there.
- talking to a grief counselor on your own (apart from the grief support group). Learn how to deal with your pain, how to mourn without falling into a black pit of despair.
- remembering your daughter, who needs you to be her mother. Be sad with her and mourn with her — but play together, too! You need to let both the bitter and the sweet be in your life right now. Don’t let this tragic death have a long-term negative impact on her life.
- making sure you eat nutritious foods, get enough sleep, and walk for half an hour each day. When people mourn, they often let their health habits slide — and that’s a surefire way to feel even worse about your loss! (if that’s possible). Take care of your body, because a healthy strong body will help you through this terrible time.
- keep reaching out, like you did here. The more you express and write about your pain, the better you’ll feel.
- remember that your grief will come and go. There will be times that you’ll feel better, even happy….and those happy times will eventually outweigh the painful feelings you have now. Your grief is like a roller coaster, and you need to ride it out.
And, please read my article called “Mourning a Lost Child” on Suite101 — the comments at the end of the article are more important than the article itself! In the comments section, so many parents shared their stories of losing their children to accidents and illnesses. They may help you as you grieve by showing you that you’re not alone. Feel free to share there, as well.
http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/mourning_a_lost_child
Also, read Tips for Grieving Widows or Widowers here on Quips & Tip….it may not be much different than what I’ve said here, but it could help.
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/health-wellness/tips-for-grieving-widows-or-widowers/
Please do come back and let me know how you’re doing.
Warm wishes and many sad sympathies,
Laurie
I HAVE LOST MY LITTLE BOY, HIS NAME WAS VINCE I WAS THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO IN MY LIFE. I HAVE A GIRL WHO IS 4 YEARS OLD AND I LOVE HER. I CANT SLEEP AT NIGHT BECAUSE I SEE HIM ALL THE TIME. HE DIEd ON THE 5 JUNE 2009. AND THE ONLY WAY I SLEEP IS WHEN I DRINK. I CANT THINK OF LIVING WITH OUT HIM. HE WAS MY LITTLE ANGEl AND NOW HE’S GONE. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE I NEED HELP I WANT TO DRINK EVERYDAY TO FORGET ABOUT THE PAIN I AM FEELING. HE WAS SO SMALL AND NOW HE’S GONE I WANT HIM BACK IN MY LIFE. I NEED HIM AND I CANT GO ON WITH MY LIFE ANYMORE.PLZ HELP OR I WILL GO MAD OR TO THE AA
You definitely have a more unusual situation than “just” helping a grieving friend cope with illness or death! A rock star does have more people around him, and perhaps more opportunities to help him….but he’s still just a man dealing with his pain.
And, we all have different chemistry with different people. Your friend may be surrounded by people, sure, but does he connect with them? Can he be honest with them, and still rely on them to take care of his business? Sometimes we like to keep our work and personal lives separate — which could explain why your friend is opening up to you.
Though I can’t tell you what to say or how often to check in with him — you have to trust your instincts on that — I do think you should be as real as possible. If something he writes makes you think of your own mother’s illness and death, then speak up. If you want his help writing a book, go for it!
I just think you should be as “yourself” as possible, without getting hung up on what you should do, and what you think he needs. It’s so difficult to determine what another human being needs — half the time, we ourselves don’t even know what WE need!
So, tune in to your heart and listen to your gut. Check in with him naturally: when you think of him, if you hear news of his concerts, if you read something in the paper about strokes, etc.
I hope this helps — sorry I don’t have all the answers! Do let me know how things are going…..
Warm wishes,
Laurie
I’m a former reporter who just reunited with an old rock star friend from years back who, in his first email to me last week, explained that his devoted wife had had a stroke. He said that while he was building a good support network, she depended upon him for almost everything right now–they never had children, and her whole life had been his career and traveling with him on tour for most of that career.
I was moved by the first emails. He seemed on the one hand to be inviting me to hear his pain, and intimated that he had lots of time on his hands right now for “catching up,” too. But after the first few emails, I felt awkward. I lost my mother after a two year battle with several illnesses, so I know a little about what he’s going through, but I don’t want to patronize him. And I can’t tell from that emotional first email whether he needs me to write every few days just to see how he’s doing or whether it’d be better to carry on conversations that don’t touch upon the situation…men are just so hard to read!
Given how busy his life is aside from all that–he’ll be touring soon, and has to get ready for that, too– I’m not sure how much I should keep in touch, either. We’ve been apart for a long time, first of all. And he’s also…well, a rock star with all kinds of folks around him who could help him far more than I can. And yet…that first email was so personal and revealing about his state of mind that I feel he may have been asking, in his own stoic Nordic way, for me to hang in there with him. He has even offered to help me write a book, which I’ve begun to feel might be his way of making a connection that wouldn’t center on his caretaking issues. WHAT do you think of all this–what do I say when i write…and how often should I “check in?”