How to Help Your Alcoholic Brother or Sister
If your sibling struggles with alcoholism, you may feel helpless. 
First, here’s what psychologist Mary Pipher says about maturity in relationships:
“Maturity involves being honest and true to oneself, making decisions based on a conscious internal process, assuming responsibility for one’s decision, having healthy relationships with others and developing one’s own true gifts,” writes Pipher in Reviving Ophelia. “It involves thinking about one’s environment and deciding what one will and won’t accept.”
If you’re struggling to decide what behaviors you should and shouldn’t accept from an alcoholic sibling, you might find Sober Siblings: How to Help Your Alcoholic Brother or Sister – and Not Lose Yourself helpful.
And, here are six ways to reach an family member who struggles with alcoholism…
6 Ways to Help Your Alcoholic Brother or Sister
Every sibling and family is different, even thought the thought patterns and behaviors of alcoholics may be the same. These general tips for helping a brother or sister with a drinking problem can apply to most families.
Learn about your sibling’s perception of alcoholism
The more you understand about alcoholism and the way an alcoholic thinks about his or her disease, the better able you’ll be to help with the treatment process. And, the more open you are about your family history and interactions, the better. “Whatever the reason your brother or sister became alcoholic, it’s helpful for a counselor to hear about your family dynamics in order to know what direction to take,” writes Dr Levounis in Sober Siblings.
Let go of personality differences
Personality issues may crop up, which may or may not be part of the disease of alcoholism. Separating personality differences from real issues that affect your alcoholic sibling may be part of the healing process for both of you. Read How Birth Order Affects Your Life to learn how siblings relate to each other — and themselves.
Stop enabling your alcoholic brother or sister
“Enabling” is allowing or encouraging your alcoholic brother or sister to continue their disease. Enabling an alcoholic includes covering up, providing alibis, minimizing the addiction, attempting to take control by getting rid of the alcohol, and removing consequences (such as bailing him or her out of jail, or lending money).
Recognize what you’re doing
To stop enabling your brother or sister’s alcohol problem, you need to recognize what you’re doing. “You have to realize that it not only doesn’t help your brother or sister but actually allows – even helps – him or her to continue drinking,” write Olsen and Levounis in Sober Siblings. “Sometimes it’s hard to know where to draw the line. No one’s perfect, and things are not always black and white. Allow yourself a few gray areas, for your own sanity.”
In most alcoholic families, events and behaviors aren’t cut and dried – especially during family celebrations! If you find holiday or birthday celebrations difficult, read How to Handle Relatives Who Get Drunk at Family Gatherings.
Learn about alcoholism treatment options
You can’t help an alcoholic sibling by forcing him or her to get treatment, but you can be well-informed about treatment options for drinking problems. If you’re in an alcoholic family, find out about the addiction treatment centers in your area.
Don’t be disappointed if your sibling relapses
“It’s natural to have hope for your brother or sister, but don’t be disappointed if she stops drinking and then starts again,” write Olsen and Levounis in Sober Siblings. “Relapse is not a sign of failure or weakness; it’s part of the disease, and often more than one stay in rehab is necessary if the person is to be successful.”
For more tips, read Dysfunctional Families – 5 Tips for Solving Family Problems.
If you have any questions or thoughts about helping an alcoholic brother or sister, please comment below…
Category: Family Tips, Personality Traits & Types, Psychology Tips
PLEASE ,everyone on this site ,GO TO AL ANON ,it will help you if you give it the time .You will find people there who UNDERSTAND .
I started reading these letters because today I am so hurt about my sister .I know I am not alone and I have been in Al Anon a long time . A person in your life who is drinking cannot be relied upon ,their word means nothing and that is so hard to accept .
My brother starting drinking in his teens and seemed to always indulge too much compared to others. At the age of 33 – we realised he had a drinking problem and started to offer help. We looked into AA meetings, doc’s appointments, sat and chatted for hours about what made him drink, and how we could help him – but very quickly he was starting to have significant physical effects on his body. In summer 2010 he was in and out of hospital with stomach pains, swellings and bleeding. Each time he was treated medically by the doctors but then sent on his way – too ill for a detox programme and too ill to continue drinking. He was needed to get ‘healthier’ before he could be entered into a programme, it was like a viscious circle and he became more and more weak and poorly. Eventually – he was admitted into hospital in the February of 2011 and was diagnosed with accute liver failure and that was the last time he drank alcohol. He was told after 6 months of being sober, he would be entered on the transpant list and finally – i was able to have my big brother back. We chatted and he was clear that he was done with drinking and wanted to start a new life with his 3 year old son.
Despite best efforts – Matthew passed away June 11th 2011 and my heart was broken. I was there – holding him as he struggled to breath, fluid rushing through his lungs from his bloated swollen stomach, drowning before my very eyes.
Life for me and my family will never be the same again! By the time there were physical signs of alcoholism – its very nearly too late. 35 years old, and life ended so painfully and traumatic. Dont think for one minute its a quick and easy death – fall asleep and not wake up – OH NO! Its slow, painful, horrific, and more importantly – so preventable. Matthew knew he was dying and felt guilty for in his words – being his own fault. But by the time he realised he was in danger – it was too late.
Sometimes – tough love is the way to go – maybe if i had been more insistant – or more angry, more determined – he’d still be here. Maybe i should have made th doctors treat him more thoroughly, not like a 2nd class citizen like they did, maybe he’d have got better?
All i can say – is dont ever give up on supporting and helping someone you love. Theres always hope, and when someone is going through these dark days – its frightning and lonely and you wouldnt want them to go through these times alone.
Stay strong – keep fighting for them, and never give up.
RIP Matthew – love you and always will xx
So my brother is an alchoholic. He comes from a long line of alcoholics. Well this week he lost his job. I just don’t know what to do to help him. He showed up to work drunk and there is a possibility he could get the job back but it could take up to a year. In the meantime he is going to have to find a job. I am not sure this is a possibility. I am afraid he is going to lose his house and everything he has worked so hard for. Are there any assistance programs out there? He will now be losing his health insurance in the next month. I doubt he will be able to get unemployment.
I took in my brother 3yrs ago, he has multiple medical issues and is a severe alcholic, he has been in and out of jail all his life, and has no life skills.
I have gone through a lot the past years keeping him out of jail and off the streets, when he is good (not drinking) he really is a pleasent guy, but I came home form work this evening and he admitted to drinking after I confronted him. I have been dealing with my brothers issues all my life, and I never thought I would ever take him in, but he would of died if I did not, and he is like a very big child. I told him that I can’t live like this. I don’t drink ( rare occasions), but I have changed my life around for my brothers well being, now I don’t know what the right thing to do is. He can be very hard to handle when he is drinking (although it has not got to that point yet, it has in the past) and I can not trust him not to take fom me or bring strangers in the house when I am not here. At the same time I know he can’t live on his own. I already told him, he can’t be drinking and living here, he told me that he can not promise that and he might has well move out, but he will go back to the streets and or jail. Any advise??
My sister is presently in jail due to a failed urine test while on probation/ankle bracelet. She has numerous DUIs and recently was serving house arrest and was taken to jail. I want to write her a card because I can’t go see her (out of state). I have no idea what to say. I am angry with her for the loss of our relationship and the worry and stress the family goes through as a result of her actions BUT want to send her something supportive. Any suggestions on how to handle this?
Hi There,
My sister has been sober for 10 years now, well this recent thanksgiving I feel took her over the edge. She couldn’t handle it and has started drinking again, and yes of course my mom feels responsible only because she said if she would have stayed with her she may not have started to drink. I told my mom, she can’t feel responsible it is not her fault. I just want to know what can I do to help her. She has stayed home all weekend and just drank. what can i do, desperate!
Dear Susie,
I’m sorry to hear about your sister — it sounds like she’s been through alot. It’s great that she’s taking full responsibility for her actions, and SO great that she didn’t hurt anyone in the accident.
Different people feel supported in different ways. One way to support her is to ask her how you can help! She may be the best person to tell you how to stand by her.
Another possibility is to call your local Al Anon or a helpline, and ask for tips on helping an alcoholic sibling. Al Anon may be especially helpful.
And, giving her a call once a week might be very helpful. The more consistent and regular you are in her life, the more supported she’ll feel. Not judging her or telling her what you think is also important — until she asks you for advice!
Finally, remember that this may be the rock bottom that she needed to hit, in order to start dealing with her alcoholism and living her best life possible. Sometimes we need to gravely disappoint ourselves before we can turn our lives around.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best. You’re obviously a very caring, kind sister — and I suspect your sister knows it!
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi there,
My little sister recently got into a very serious car accident while driving under the influence. She has a history of mental health issues (eating disorders, debilitating depression and anxiety), as does my father. She is young but has been attending therapy on and off for about 8 years.
Miraculously, she walked away from the accident with only a few bruises. She hit an electrical pole and no one else was involved in the accident. We are so blessed. She’s feeling an extreme level of disappointment in herself and is facing possible jail time.
I worry so much about her facing jail time with her history of depression and anxiety. In no way is she trying to evade jail time, and she is taking full responsibility for her actions, attending support groups and individual therapy. She has also volunteered to be an advocate for safe drinking on her college campus.
What can I do to support her during this difficult time? I feel so helpless. I live on the other side of the country, and even though my parents are being extremely supportive, I feel that she needs something that she isn’t being given. Any advice, Laurie, or anyone else who has been in a similar situation?
Thanks for all your time spent in this forum – it’s really a huge help.
Dear Nancy,
I think you need help setting your boundaries with both your sister and your parents — and sticking to those boundaries! There are several ways to get help, such as reading books about boundaries, attending meetings and learn more about alcoholic family members, and getting personal counseling.
My best advice is for you to talk to a family counselor. Getting professional guidance and support will help you see your parents and sister more objectively and clearly, which will help you make the best decisions for your relationships.
And, remember that your parents and sister won’t change. There’s always the potential for change, of course, but change for most people — especially people who have been living a certain way for decades — is difficult.
The only person you can change is yourself. A counselor can help you figure out if you need to distance yourself, or set boundaries that allow you to be with your family without being consumed by them.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi. My sister has been an on again, off again alcoholic. She does not live near me or our parents. This past weekend my son (21) had a performance at college that I attended. My sister came also at the encouragement of my parents. She flew in and I picked her up at the airport. It was not where either of us live so she was sharing the hotel room with me. The afternoon of my son’s performance my sister proceeded to drink a pint of vodka. I asked her to stop numerous times without avail. She went to the performance in what looked like a semi-drunk state. She demeaned me and I just wrote it off so that there was no “scene” during the show. This is not my son’s first show and we (my son, his friends, his girlfriend) have a tradition to go to the local resturant and have burgers ect. and I pick up the tab. My sister proceeded to order wine and double shots of scotch. After the 4th drink I had to get her out of the place. I paid and started to drive back to the hotel. Now, I realize that I should have never taken her into the place. Anyway, on the way to the hotel she became verbally violent and abusive. I told her she was an alcoholic and needed help. She kept screaming at me and I just stopped comunicating. She passed out and I took her to the airport the next morning. I told her I loved her but she needed help and I was there for her when she got out of the car. I had an 8 hour drive home. When I got home my mother was told my my sister that I was an alcoholic and needed help (I don’t drink and my parents know this). I am hurt on so many levels. To make matters worst my parents want me to make amends to my sister so we “are not fighting”. I have made amends, I told her I love her and I was there for her when she was ready to get help. But, my parents are and always have enabled her to believe she is correct. Honestly, I want to distance myself from my parents because of the pain I am experiencing from their response to my sisters acting out. Then I realize this isn’t fair to me or them. What do I do?
I am embarrassed to write this but it is important that I do. I have a 62 year old sister who has been an alcoholid for over 10 years. She is in total denial about just how bad she is. I don’t believe she drinks during the day, but as soon as 5oo pm comes around she starts with wine and wine only. In the past I have confronted her but she simply brushed it aside. Today, while on the phone with her, she started off with a normal tone conversation, and when the conversation moved toward my younger sister who has chronic medical problems, her demeanor changed immediately. She HATES her, she no f-ing good and I was trying to defuse the situation to no avail. I am a nurse whith 37 years experience and then she went off on me, cursing, screaming, calling me a drug addict (which couldn ‘t be further from the truth) and for 15 minutes this abuse continued, while I kept telling her to calm down, I’m not screaming or cursing at you. I actually said I love you to her and would be available to help anyone in our family who was sick. The rage became so intense that she spewed out that she hated me and my sister and then said she hated everyone here. I was so upset, never cursed, never screamed, but realized I needed to get away from this out of control woman, so I simply hung up the telephone and started to cry because I was so sad that she was so out of her mind. I know she will not attempt to get help, ever, and it has ruined many relationships in the family and within her own friendships. She is just not a nice person anymore. I called my Dad and told him what occurred, and for the first time heard him say that when she drinks too much she gets mean and is an alcoholic. How do I deal with this situation? Do I just let her go? Do I offer a peace offering?