How to Help an Alcoholic Brother or Sister – 6 Tips
First, here’s what psychologist Mary Pipher says about maturity in relationships:
“Maturity involves being honest and true to oneself, making decisions based on a conscious internal process, assuming responsibility for one’s decision, having healthy relationships with others and developing one’s own true gifts,” writes Pipher in Reviving Ophelia. “It involves thinking about one’s environment and deciding what one will and won’t accept.”
If you’re struggling to decide what behaviors you should and shouldn’t accept from an alcoholic sibling, you might find Sober Siblings: How to Help Your Alcoholic Brother or Sister – and Not Lose Yourself helpful.
And, here are six ways to reach an alcoholic family member…
6 Ways to Help an Alcoholic Brother or Sister
Every sibling and family is different, even thought the thought patterns and behaviors of alcoholics may be the same. These general tips for helping a brother or sister with a drinking problem can apply to most families.
Learn about your sibling’s perception of alcoholism
The more you understand about alcoholism and the way an alcoholic thinks about his or her disease, the better able you’ll be to help with the treatment process. And, the more open you are about your family history and interactions, the better. “Whatever the reason your brother or sister became alcoholic, it’s helpful for a counselor to hear about your family dynamics in order to know what direction to take,” writes Dr Levounis in Sober Siblings.
Let go of personality differences
Personality issues may crop up, which may or may not be part of the disease of alcoholism. Separating personality differences from real issues that affect your alcoholic sibling may be part of the healing process for both of you. Read How Birth Order Affects Your Life to learn how siblings relate to each other — and themselves.
Stop enabling your alcoholic brother or sister
“Enabling” is allowing or encouraging your alcoholic brother or sister to continue their disease. Enabling an alcoholic includes covering up, providing alibis, minimizing the addiction, attempting to take control by getting rid of the alcohol, and removing consequences (such as bailing him or her out of jail, or lending money).
Recognize what you’re doing
To stop enabling your brother or sister’s alcohol problem, you need to recognize what you’re doing. “You have to realize that it not only doesn’t help your brother or sister but actually allows – even helps – him or her to continue drinking,” write Olsen and Levounis in Sober Siblings. “Sometimes it’s hard to know where to draw the line. No one’s perfect, and things are not always black and white. Allow yourself a few gray areas, for your own sanity.” In most alcoholic families, events and behaviors aren’t cut and dried.
Get informed about alcoholism treatment options
You can’t help an alcoholic sibling by forcing him or her to get treatment, but you can be well-informed about treatment options for drinking problems. If you’re in an alcoholic family, find out about the addiction treatment centers in your area.
Don’t be disappointed if your sibling relapses
“It’s natural to have hope for your brother or sister, but don’t be disappointed if she stops drinking and then starts again,” write Olsen and Levounis in Sober Siblings. “Relapse is not a sign of failure or weakness; it’s part of the disease, and often more than one stay in rehab is necessary if the person is to be successful.”
For more tips, read Dysfunctional Families – 5 Tips for Solving Family Problems.
If you have any questions or thoughts about helping an alcoholic brother or sister, please comment below…
Related Articles:
- How to Handle Relatives Who Get Drunk at Family Gatherings
- 6 Tips for Toxic Relatives – How to Handle Family Problems
- Surviving a Child’s Death – How to Cope With Grief and Depression
Category: Family Tips, Personality Traits & Types, Psychology Tips
My sister is presently in jail due to a failed urine test while on probation/ankle bracelet. She has numerous DUIs and recently was serving house arrest and was taken to jail. I want to write her a card because I can’t go see her (out of state). I have no idea what to say. I am angry with her for the loss of our relationship and the worry and stress the family goes through as a result of her actions BUT want to send her something supportive. Any suggestions on how to handle this?
Hi There,
My sister has been sober for 10 years now, well this recent thanksgiving I feel took her over the edge. She couldn’t handle it and has started drinking again, and yes of course my mom feels responsible only because she said if she would have stayed with her she may not have started to drink. I told my mom, she can’t feel responsible it is not her fault. I just want to know what can I do to help her. She has stayed home all weekend and just drank. what can i do, desperate!
Dear Susie,
I’m sorry to hear about your sister — it sounds like she’s been through alot. It’s great that she’s taking full responsibility for her actions, and SO great that she didn’t hurt anyone in the accident.
Different people feel supported in different ways. One way to support her is to ask her how you can help! She may be the best person to tell you how to stand by her.
Another possibility is to call your local Al Anon or a helpline, and ask for tips on helping an alcoholic sibling. Al Anon may be especially helpful.
And, giving her a call once a week might be very helpful. The more consistent and regular you are in her life, the more supported she’ll feel. Not judging her or telling her what you think is also important — until she asks you for advice!
Finally, remember that this may be the rock bottom that she needed to hit, in order to start dealing with her alcoholism and living her best life possible. Sometimes we need to gravely disappoint ourselves before we can turn our lives around.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best. You’re obviously a very caring, kind sister — and I suspect your sister knows it!
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi there,
My little sister recently got into a very serious car accident while driving under the influence. She has a history of mental health issues (eating disorders, debilitating depression and anxiety), as does my father. She is young but has been attending therapy on and off for about 8 years.
Miraculously, she walked away from the accident with only a few bruises. She hit an electrical pole and no one else was involved in the accident. We are so blessed. She’s feeling an extreme level of disappointment in herself and is facing possible jail time.
I worry so much about her facing jail time with her history of depression and anxiety. In no way is she trying to evade jail time, and she is taking full responsibility for her actions, attending support groups and individual therapy. She has also volunteered to be an advocate for safe drinking on her college campus.
What can I do to support her during this difficult time? I feel so helpless. I live on the other side of the country, and even though my parents are being extremely supportive, I feel that she needs something that she isn’t being given. Any advice, Laurie, or anyone else who has been in a similar situation?
Thanks for all your time spent in this forum – it’s really a huge help.
Dear Nancy,
I think you need help setting your boundaries with both your sister and your parents — and sticking to those boundaries! There are several ways to get help, such as reading books about boundaries, attending meetings and learn more about alcoholic family members, and getting personal counseling.
My best advice is for you to talk to a family counselor. Getting professional guidance and support will help you see your parents and sister more objectively and clearly, which will help you make the best decisions for your relationships.
And, remember that your parents and sister won’t change. There’s always the potential for change, of course, but change for most people — especially people who have been living a certain way for decades — is difficult.
The only person you can change is yourself. A counselor can help you figure out if you need to distance yourself, or set boundaries that allow you to be with your family without being consumed by them.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi. My sister has been an on again, off again alcoholic. She does not live near me or our parents. This past weekend my son (21) had a performance at college that I attended. My sister came also at the encouragement of my parents. She flew in and I picked her up at the airport. It was not where either of us live so she was sharing the hotel room with me. The afternoon of my son’s performance my sister proceeded to drink a pint of vodka. I asked her to stop numerous times without avail. She went to the performance in what looked like a semi-drunk state. She demeaned me and I just wrote it off so that there was no “scene” during the show. This is not my son’s first show and we (my son, his friends, his girlfriend) have a tradition to go to the local resturant and have burgers ect. and I pick up the tab. My sister proceeded to order wine and double shots of scotch. After the 4th drink I had to get her out of the place. I paid and started to drive back to the hotel. Now, I realize that I should have never taken her into the place. Anyway, on the way to the hotel she became verbally violent and abusive. I told her she was an alcoholic and needed help. She kept screaming at me and I just stopped comunicating. She passed out and I took her to the airport the next morning. I told her I loved her but she needed help and I was there for her when she got out of the car. I had an 8 hour drive home. When I got home my mother was told my my sister that I was an alcoholic and needed help (I don’t drink and my parents know this). I am hurt on so many levels. To make matters worst my parents want me to make amends to my sister so we “are not fighting”. I have made amends, I told her I love her and I was there for her when she was ready to get help. But, my parents are and always have enabled her to believe she is correct. Honestly, I want to distance myself from my parents because of the pain I am experiencing from their response to my sisters acting out. Then I realize this isn’t fair to me or them. What do I do?
I am embarrassed to write this but it is important that I do. I have a 62 year old sister who has been an alcoholid for over 10 years. She is in total denial about just how bad she is. I don’t believe she drinks during the day, but as soon as 5oo pm comes around she starts with wine and wine only. In the past I have confronted her but she simply brushed it aside. Today, while on the phone with her, she started off with a normal tone conversation, and when the conversation moved toward my younger sister who has chronic medical problems, her demeanor changed immediately. She HATES her, she no f-ing good and I was trying to defuse the situation to no avail. I am a nurse whith 37 years experience and then she went off on me, cursing, screaming, calling me a drug addict (which couldn ‘t be further from the truth) and for 15 minutes this abuse continued, while I kept telling her to calm down, I’m not screaming or cursing at you. I actually said I love you to her and would be available to help anyone in our family who was sick. The rage became so intense that she spewed out that she hated me and my sister and then said she hated everyone here. I was so upset, never cursed, never screamed, but realized I needed to get away from this out of control woman, so I simply hung up the telephone and started to cry because I was so sad that she was so out of her mind. I know she will not attempt to get help, ever, and it has ruined many relationships in the family and within her own friendships. She is just not a nice person anymore. I called my Dad and told him what occurred, and for the first time heard him say that when she drinks too much she gets mean and is an alcoholic. How do I deal with this situation? Do I just let her go? Do I offer a peace offering?
Dear Nancy,
I’m sorry to hear that your parents are in this situation — it’s such a difficult place to be in for them, for you, and for your brother.
Yes, I think you should call someone for help. The best way to help get him out of their house is to call social services or a local AA chapter — or even ask the police or a local hospital for resources.
You need to talk to someone in person who understands the laws and resources in your parents’ area. You could also call a counselor, social worker, spiritual leader, or a support helpline. Find professional, objective support — that’s the best way to help your parents.
I just wrote an article called How to Find Solutions to Relationship and Family Problems, which describes different six ways to get help.
I’m sorry I don’t have better answers, and wish you all the best — and welcome you to come back anytime to update me on how you’re doing!
Also — calling a local AlAnon group would probably be helpful, as they have a great deal of experience with this exact problem.
Laurie
My Mom’s Mom abandoned her family, leaving 3 children with a mean and sometimes violent alcoholic. My Dad’s family was cool, and Dad was Mom’s knight in shining armor. Mom’s brother and sister died of alcohol-related disease. My parents are now in their late 70′s, living clean and healthy and have enjoyed a quiet and simple life in retirement.
Fortunately, as a young adult I learned about my family’s alcoholistic tendencies and dynamics and helped myself grow a healthy life. Of us four siblings, the eldest “golden boy”, age 54, is the practicing alcoholic. He tried to get rich during the real estate boom but went bust instead. Facing homelessness, the parents allowed him to move into their home. It’s been several months now and the situation is deteriorating. I don’t know if he’s really looking for a job. He’s become less communicative with them. I don’t have a close relationship with my brother and he would not be receptive to any suggestions from me. As far as I know he’s never gone to AA or treatment and he has the ego of a golden child. In a conversation with my sister last week, we decided that we would pay for an apartment for our our brother as soon as he lands a job, but I know that’s not the way to go for a number of reasons. The economy is indeed bad, but I am very concerned for my parents and they have expressed to me that they would be happy to see him out of their house. Yesterday I had dinner with my parents (a couple times a year) and my mom was so sore and stiff because she spent the whole morning cleaning her stove after the alcoholic did some “cooking”. I want to help them get him out of their house. Is there a right way to do this? Is this considered elder abuse and something that “the authorities” should be involved in? What can I do?
Want to help the P’s,
Nancy
I stopped enabling my sister. She went on a drinking binge and died a month later. Don’t tell me to go to Al Anon, they just tell me not to feel guilty, which doesn’t help at all.
Dear Casey,
I’m so sorry about your family problems….that sucks. You’re right — you do have your own day to day issues to deal with as a teenager. Coping with alcoholic siblings is the last thing you need.
One thing to remember is that this WILL pass. Your family problems may not be solved, but you WILL be out of the house and living your own life before you know it. I know it seems like it won’t happen for forever, but trust me…one day you’ll be free.
I hope you’re smart enough to stay away from the drugs and alcohol. Why would you want a life like your sister’s? Or your brother’s? I know you don’t want that….that stuff will mess you up good.
Okay — in the meantime (until you’re living on your own), I think you need to get in-person help with distancing yourself. That is, talk to a counselor, teacher, or trusted adult about how to get that emotional distance. You can live in the same house as your parents, but have healthy boundaries that protect you from taking on their issues and problems.
Learn about boundaries, by reading books or searching online. A boundary is basically a line in the sand: “this is what I’m willing to take — but not that.” A boundary can protect you from taking on other people’s problems, and is a great way to stay healthy.
I hope this helps….if you need more info about boundaries, let me know! I’d be happy to dig it up. In fact, I’m taking a healthy boundaries course through my church next month, and plan to write a whole series about boundaries then. But I can write about it before then if you’d like. Just let me know!
Blessings,
Laurie
Hello there
I was wondering if you have any other advice than the list above because none of that has worked at all. My older sister has been abusing alcohol for six years (she’s 22 now) and my parents and I have devoted almost all our time and energy to her welfare. We have put her in clinics, hospitals, even a substance abusers community (sort of an expensive ranch). And nothing. She gets out, she lives with us until she starts drinking again (her sobriety never lasts more than a week), she goes to live with her father (in another country) and then she goes to live with our brother (again in another country), she comes back and does it all over again. This has all been especially hard on our mother who is prone to severe depression and has contemplated suicide often.
My father is her step-father and she doesn’t listen to him.
I recently found out that our brother has been doing heroin! It would kill my mother if she found out! I really don’t know what to do anymore!
I’ve tried distancing myself from my family for my sake but it doesn’t really work, you can’t do that if you live with them and it hurt my mother.
I went through a time of basically flipping them off and doing drugs too, my guilty relax time (and the fact that I need substances to relax is just ridiculous).
I’m sixteen so I have my own day-to-day adolescent issues to deal with. I really don’t want to do this anymore.
Dear Meg,
I’m sorry to hear about your brother’s struggle with alcoholism. It’s a tough addiction to kick, as you well know!
You’ve been caught between your parents and brother since you were a child — and this is a role you’ve accepted and even perpetuated, my friend. If you no longer want to be stuck in the middle, you need to release that role. You need to step back and let go of your involvement.
So, what do you do, as a sister and daughter who is NOT caught in the middle? That’s what you need to decide. Maybe you could read Sober Siblings, which I recommend above — it’s got great information about boundaries for families (especially brothers and sisters).
It won’t be easy to let go of something you’ve done for decades, but it may be the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your family.
Have you contacted an alanon group? That’s a great place to get information about relinquishing a role you’re not happy with. There are support groups for family members of alcoholics — and you can learn so much from them. And, an alanon group can give you recommendations for the best books for elderly parents of alcoholics.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hello again,
Can you recommend a book that I could give my parents that would shed light on their situation as parents of an adult who is an alcoholic? They are emotionally and physically effected by my brother’s benders and I would like to equip them with a good book to start.
Many thanks!
-Meg
Dear Laurie,
I have a 46 year old brother who is an alcoholic. He has been addicted to other substances but kicks them and returns to alcohol. He has been “self medicating” for years but goes on drinking binges when life doesn’t go his way (usually job loss). He was diagnosed ADHD around 1973 and was on ritalin. In the 5th grade he started using drugs and alcohol and had never stopped. He was a very difficult kid for my parents to raise, had been in and out of detention centers and juvenile jail. He was doing pretty good in his early 30′s until he was let go from a job he had for 7 years, then the crystal meth started. He moved to the state I live in to “clean up” and stayed at my husband and my house for two weeks then into sober living. The drinking never stopped but the meth did. He now lives in the Philippines with a wife and 3 year old.
My parents and I live in California. My parents devoted so much of their lives to my brother while he was growing up… they did all (that I can think of) they could to help and support him morally. Had some tough love going on as well. Anyway, my parents are 78 & 79 years old. My mom suspects my brother is on a bender and I found out he is (via email about three days ago). I don’t want to tell my mom because she gets so worried for my brother’s wife and child. My mom doesn’t want to tell my dad about my brother’s recent benders because my dad’s dad was an alcoholic and my mom doesn’t want my dad to feel sorrow and anger over this. I have been the go between in many different ways since I was a child. As an adult I don’t know if I should withhold information from my parents because of their past distress and all the work they poured into raising him…I don’t know what to do.
Should I tell my brother that he needs to contact them and tell them of his situation? My brother has some health problems as well that he is neglecting. He has become reclusive while on this bender. Usually we all skype together on major holidays, but Father’s Day passed with no word from my brother. I usually am the main communicator via email with my brother.
Thank you for your response. I plan to purchase your book as well.
-Meg
Dear Ann,
I am SO sorry to hear about your mom and brother! That’s terrible.
If your brother doesn’t spend time in custody for what he did to your mom, then he’ll do it again — and worse. If he doesn’t start seeing some consequences for his actions, he’ll just keep going down the same old destructive path.
If he HAD dealt with consequences to his actions way back when he first started drinking, he may not be in the situation he is today. And neither would your mother.
The problem with protecting people from the consequences of their actions is that they don’t learn. They don’t live through the results, which means they don’t have a chance to pull themselves together.
Enabling an alcoholic is never the route to success. I understand how difficult it is — it feels like you’re being cruel, and you feel guilty. He’s your BROTHER, and you love him.
But, your past ways of loving him didn’t work. You tried loving him by giving him second and third and fourth and endless chances….and it didn’t work. Now, to help him, you have to try something different. I’m so glad your husband is there to help!
I encourage you to talk to a counselor or go to an Alanon meeting. You need to disentangle your love for your brother, your memory of the way he was, your hope for his future, and your ability to help him succeed in life. An counselor who is experienced in dealing with issues in alcoholic families will help you see that you’re not alone. And, he or she will give your concrete, practical ways to deal with your guilt — and ways to help your brother.
I hope this helps. Please reach out in person to someone who can help you deal with the burden of your guilt….the sooner you’re free from that, the better you’ll feel. And, you’ll feel empowered and in control, which is liberating.
Let me know how things go.
Blessings,
Laurie
I have a 55-year old brother who is a severe, chronic alcoholic. He lives with our elderly mother and does not work or do anything productive around the house for her. He has been in and out of the legal system and has been given multiple chances to complete a drug/alcohol program as his “sentence” to keep a felony off his record. Every time he does well at first and shows signs of the “old” brother, but reaches a point and quits, which results in outstanding warrants that result in re-arrest and the cycle goes on and on. I fully admit to being an enabler, hoping that trying to help him will for some reason result in the long awaited success.
Two weeks ago while I was out of town for 3 days, he beat up my Mother to the point that she was in the hospital for 2 days. He was arrested on an outstanding warrant. As we attempted to FINALLY remove him from her home and all of our lives, he was released. My strong husband took over and expedited assault charges by my Mother, restraining orders, and revocation of bond and he was taken back into custody. Why am I feeling guilty and almost sorry for the time he will be spending in custody now? I am determined that he will never live with or torment and harm my mother and she will live the rest of her life in peace and free from an alcoholic in her life (my father was also an alcoholic). How do I break the cycle of being an “enabler” and really feel the anger towards him for what he did to her? I know he finally has to suffer the consequences for his actions.
Hi Leah,
I’m sorry to hear about your sister — it sounds like her struggle with alcoholism has gone on for long enough. I wish I had a solution for you, but there are no easy answers.
Yes, I think you should keep in touch with CPS. Call as often as you need — and keep calling! The more “on record” you are with your concerns, the better it will be for you husband.
I also suggest talking to a local Alcoholics Anonymous or Alanon group leader. You might consider looking after your nephew for some time, until your sister can pull herself together. I don’t have any suggestions for talking her about this possibility, which is why I think talking to an AA leader is a good idea.
The best way to help your nephew is to give him a home, with family members. If that’s possible, it may be better than CPS or a foster home.
I wish I could offer more helpful solutions, but it just depends on so many different factors (her personality, your nephew’s personality, your ability to give him a home, etc). I hope you can find someone to talk to in person, to discuss the details I can’t speak to here.
Wishing you all the best,
Laurie
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Hello….
I have a 32 year old sister that is an alcoholic. My parents had cut her off, but she became pregnant and they started helping her again when the baby was born. My nephew is now 7 and she is still drinking. We have called CPS and been told that there is nothing that they can do. She is pretty functioning when she wants or needs to be to pass the home visits. She has exposed my nephew to her violent/abusive boyfriend (he has seen her get beaten-though he has been safe so far), gang members, and left him with complete strangers for days at a time. He is behind in school and will most likely follow down her path if we cant help him soon.
How do we as a family “stop enabling her” or help her without hurting my nephew? We are the only stable things in his life and do not know how to go about it with him in the picture. If my parents stop paying her bills should they allow them to move in with them? Should we keep trying CPS, they said it is very hard to remove kids. We do not know how to proceed with my nephew in the picture. Thank you!
Dear Molly,
I’m sorry it took me so long to respond — I’ve been tied up with work! I’m also sorry that your brother seems to have relapsed into alcoholism. That’s very sad, and difficult for everyone.
Regarding your brother: when he’s sober, make sure he knows about the Alcoholics Anonymous and organizations like that in his area. And, stick to what you’ve said: you’ll only interact with him when he’s sober. If he calls or visits when he’s been drinking, you need to ask him to leave. Don’t hesitate to call the authorities if he refuses to leave you alone.
Regarding your husband: what does he say when you ask him to leave your brother alone? All you can do is ask your husband to tell his ex to let everything be.
I know a few days have gone by since you wrote this. Have you talked to your brother since then?
Laurie
I have a 54 year old brother that has been an alocoholic for most of his life. He’s been “dried” out and in rehab countless times – four or five in 2009 alone. He has 3 or 4 DUI’s and has lost his license for five years. He lost his wife and kids, his house and most of his retirement savings.
He recently spent about six months in jail – saw God and seemed to be my old brother again. He got a job (his friend has the same job and drives him), got a very cheap house for cash so he has a home, too. His ex and children are in his life at the moment. He seemed to have bottomed out (1 to 2 fifths per day) and then come back – we really thought after all these years he “came back”
Last night my husband drove over there with a nice dinner and it appeared that my brother was drunk. They had an argument and my brother called me on the phone. He sounded like my “drunk” brother again.
My husband called the “ex” explained everything and now my brother is calling me. I’m on disablilty with a chonic illness and trying to heal. The days of bailing him out of jail or taking him to court (while very ill) are OVER for me – I do not want to enable him anymore nor do I want to speak with him or see him when he’s drinking.
My question is two fold:
-what can I do for my brother, if anything? I’ve told him in the past I only want to speak with him or see him if he’s sober.
-How can I get my husband to butt out – his ex surely called my brother to say that we both think he’s drinking again as he tried to contact me again lasts night (I turned off my phone)
Dear Donald,
I’m sorry to hear about your brother — that’s very difficult for you and your family to cope with.
You need to call a local help line or social services organization, and get both legal and emotional support. Your brother has been allowed to live like this all his life, and making changes at age 50 will take alot of effort and determination on everyone’s part!
I strongly encourage you to call a local alcoholics anonymous or addictions counseling organization. You need to figure out your brother’s options, financial situation, and so on — but not to the extent that you get him a job! But, there needs to be some separation between him and your father, especially as your father ages.
Call a help line, and find out what resources exist in your area — for both your father and your brother. You will have to exert that “tough love”, which means protecting your family and ultimately helping your brother (though it may not feel like you’re helping him!).
I wish you all the best,
Laurie
My brother is a severe violent alcoholic.He has abused my parents for 32 years.They tolerated it and live in stress and fear.My mother has passed away.So that left just my father and my brother at home.He has never left home and he is at age 50.He does not have a job.He does not pay anything to live.He steals money from my father or threatens him to give it.After my mother passed he has been a dictator over my father.He has beaten him and abused him.My father can not run his affairs any longer so he has placed himself under my care.Now my brother is in panic mode and is demanding money.He has just recently stolen $540.00 from my father before i got him in my care.He went through it in 2 weeks of drinking.His body is a walking time bomb.He has never been to a doctor for anything.He looks in bad health.At the moment he still resides in my fathers home in which i have to sell or rent so it won’t be an extra expense on my fathers limited income.He needs help bad and he totally refuses to quit his drinking and possible drug use.I do not know what to do.He has no idea how to exist on his own or how to manage his life.
Help!
Dear Michael,
I’m sorry to hear of your brother’s struggle with alcoholism — and you’re right: moving back in with an alcoholic girlfriend put him right back where he started with the bottle.
It sounds like the best solution is for them to get on with their separate lives, and I think that convincing them (your brother, especially) of this is the best option. This is why people pay each other off in movies — a concerned dad will give an unsavory boyfriend several thousand dollars (or more) to leave his daughter alone, because he thinks that’s the best thing for her! Of course, I’m not suggesting you “pay off” your brother’s girlfriend. But, I think it’s smart to find a way to make her want to leave. I don’t know what this reason for leaving would be….but if your brother is too weak or kind to kick her out of the house, then she needs to be the one to make the decision. And, it doesn’t sound like she’ll go on her own.
Forcing her out of the house and “banning” them from seeing each other may have the opposite effect — you may drive them together by saying they’re better off staying apart (the old Romeo and Juliet thing). Plus, you won’t be able to monitor their activities or plans to see each other.
But, if that’s the only option you can see, then…maybe it’s your last-ditch effort to help your brother get back on his feet.
I suggest talking to the social worker at that or another hospital. Social workers often know of resources and organizations in the community that can offer help. You might also call your local Alcoholics Anonymous organization, who might put you in touch with people who have coped with similar situations. Putting your brother and his girlfriend in touch with AA might be helpful. The more healthy, supportive people they have surrounding them, the better!
I also think that sometimes we just have to let our siblings go. We can’t control the paths their lives take, no matter how much we care about them — and no matter what alcohol or other addictions are doing to their lives. As painful as it is to see, he is an adult who is making the best choices he can, given his personality, past experiences, and perspective of his present situation and future. Perhaps he’s living the life he’s meant to live…and maybe nobody can stop things from unfolding the way they will.
Good luck with your brother — I hope he’s ready to stop drinking and start living a happy, healthy, fulfilled life!
Blessings,
Laurie
Hello,
For the last 3 years my 50 year old brother has gone from a heavy drinking (yet working) man to a raging alcoholic now retired with a decent pension. Just enough income to sustain a decending lifestyle. It has been exacebated by a 3 year relationship with another raging alcoholic, live-in (& unemployed) girlfriend. He is now in the hospital following a seizure that was the result of some combination of the alcohol & long-standing hematomas that were from some unknown head trauma.
The detox has been brutal. The treatment for the hematomas is not yet fully determined. She is already now pre-planning for his blissful return home. I have tried to have as rational a conversation as possible to try to get her to understand that this is a life-and-death situation for him as well as a most needed opportunity for her to get help without the prior stated “dragging down” syndrome that each provides for one another. So far her responses are too vague & scattered to have much meaning or credence. She has no place to go. I believe it is unlikely that my naturally passive/aggressive brother would put her out regardless of his possible (short-lived?) sobriety even if he somehow does make it home anytime soon.
My other brother wants to take an aggressive tact & ban her from the hospital as well as try to get her out of his home. We both agree that this is the final effort that can be put forth for him. It is killing our mother and has had an untold profound effect on his pregnant daughter.
It is hard to be at all optimistic given the circumstances but I am trying to maintain some level of realistic sanity in all this chaos. I guess anyone with a even a degree of similar experience or some idea of a direction that could be sought, would be infinitely appreciated at this point.
thank you in advance for your concern and any possible help,
michael
Dear Shelley,
I’m sorry to hear about your brother — that’s too bad that he’s fallen off the wagon. An alcoholic family member can have negative effects on everyone in the family, as you well know.
I can’t tell you what you should do to help him, but I do think you should put your husband and kids before your brother and parents. I believe our spouses and children should come first, especially if our extended families (parents, siblings, etc) are harmful or negative influences.
If you decide to do the “tough love” thing and cut off contact until your brother is in a recovery program, then you have to expect that your parents will be hurt, confused, and possibly angry. I suggest giving them a book on coping with an alcoholic son — if you click on the “Sober Siblings” book in the above article, you’ll go to Amazon.com, where you can look for books for family members of alcoholics. Your parents may not understand enabling…they’re just loving their son as best as they know how.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best as you figure out how to live with your brother. Please keep me posted — and I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear Laurie: I have a brother who is a longh-term alcoholic; who, over two years ago had
succeeded @ the battle and was sober for about 10 yrs. So for over 3 years
his drinking is getting worse and worse. I have a husband and 2 teenage daughters; as well I am
the only daughter amongst 3 brothers; one of them that is the alcoholic
My husband wants me to cut him off from being
a part of our life until he gets into a program
to become sober. Needless to say the last 3 yrs
has not been good; he had drove drunk down our
Street, dropping in and behaving badly in front
of my children; passing out on our floors when my kids
are home and my husband is’nt home & I cannot pick
him up as I’m disabled. This went on & on. Are we doing the
right thing by cutting him off completely? My parents are BIG
“Enablers” & are not in agreenance with our decision
to stop all communications with my brother. Should we
Stand our ground & possibly also do a full
family Intervention? Thank you for your time
And advice. Mrs Shelley Hill
Reba,
Wow — congratulations on your “late life surprise”! That must have been a shock, to find yourself pregnant at 45
I’m so sorry about your mom…that’s a sad, difficult thing to live through. I can’t imagine. But, what a testimony to your courage and strength as a strong woman and a survivor, that you’ve gone on to have your own family and healthy life! Good for you.
Regarding your sister staying with you — and staying sober — you need to decide what the right thing is for your family first. Your husband and son’s needs and safety come before your sister’s. And, your decisions regarding how you can help her must NOT be based on how she helped you when you were a child. You can’t make decisions out of guilt, fear, or a sense of obligation. Rather, you need to find the balance between giving her sister the help she needs as she fights her alcoholism and other physical diseases…and taking good care of your family.
I guess the short answer is yes, I think you’re doing the right thing. If you let her stay with you while she’s drinking, then you’re enabling and helping her stay sick and get sicker.
You may have to show your love by telling her what you and your husband decided together — which is a very loving, supportive thing to do. Asking her to leave if she drinks is ALSO a loving, supportive thing because it shows that you care about her health and wellness.
I wish you all the best, Reba, and hope your sister stays sober.
Blessings,
Laurie
I am 50 years old with a little sister who is 44 and an alcoholic. Both of our parents were alcoholics, although we were only raised by our mother. I have always avoided alcohol like the plague, I NEVER wanted my children to go through what we did. I currently have an adult daughter and a late life surprise 5 year old.
6 months ago my sister was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver and panreatis. She stopped drinking for about 4 weeks after being released from the hospital, now she is drinking again. The man she had been living with has had enough. She lives on the west coast, I live on the east coast. My husband has made an agreement with my sister that if she goes through rehab and sobers up she can come and live with us. I love my sister dearly, and probably would not have survived childhood without her. She saved my life the night my mom tried to set me on fire, yet I am worried about my son. I am a stay at home mom, but I am not sure how to cope with this situation. My husband says we need to support her while she is sober and help her to get the medical attention she needs, but one drink and she is out, no ifs ands or buts. Are we doing the right thing?
Andrea, I’m sorry for you and your brother — that’s such a tough situation.
I think getting information from Alanon is a great idea (Pat had mentioned support groups, which made me think of Alanon). The Alanon experts have a tremendous amount of experience in coping with alchoholism in siblings and other family members, and can help you learn how to help your brother.
It’s important to remember that there’s only so much you can do. Even if you lived in the same state or house as him, you can’t force him to get help for alcoholism — and his wife knows this, which is why she’s given up! It might be good to suggest Alanon to her, or send or email her pamphlets or links. She’s not completely powerless, though she may feel like it. There are steps she can take to make your brother realize how destructive his drinking is.
It’s important that you know you’re not alone — and connecting in person or online with people who are struggling with the same issues with alcoholic siblings will help a great deal, I suspect. Google Alanon, and find out if there are any groups near you.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Hi there,
I’m the co-author of the Sober Siblings book. It’s tough when you’re far away from your sibling. I always defer to my co-author specialist for questions like this, but I do know that it’s important to be supportive and let the person know that you love him and care about him and that’s why you brought the subject up.
There’s a suggestion in the book about asking someone who says they don’t have a problem, “Well, what would it look like if you did have a problem?” If they say they may get a DUI for instance, and they do get one, that gives you the ability to bring it up again. Another expert calls this “carefrontation.”
You might talk to your siblings who live closer about talking to your brother individually. Sometimes experts say that’s more effective than having a formal intervention, although the latter is a possibility, too.
Finally, consider attending a support group to share with other people trying to handle this difficult situation, and suggest that your brother’s wife and your other siblings do so, too.
Good luck!
I have a 54 year old brother, who lives in another state. He is a cancer survivor of 18 years, retired 2 yrs. ago from a very reputable government job, however, still works to support his family at another very good paying job. He has five siblings, including myself who are extremely concerned about his daily drinking of hard alcohol. He has gained weight, has an extended stomach, his face looks swollen….He was always a very handsome man, extremely intelligent and carries on with his life now as if nothing is wrong. His family has witnessed his inexcusable behavior… I have not because I have not been in his presence to experience the effects of his alcoholism. We talked on the phone where I have hinted the idea of his drinking too much. He is very good at denying and covering up everything. At this point, I am scared for my brother and I feel helpless in not doing anything about it. His wife is very passive and has learned to cope with it. She doesn’t confront him any longer as it has caused conflict and anger. Please suggest something that I can do to help.