Comments on: How to Get Over a Break Up When You Don’t Have Closure http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-get-over-a-break-up-when-you-have-no-relationship-closure/ Got goals? Need a push in the right direction? You've come to the right place! Wed, 23 May 2012 15:32:09 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Devin http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-get-over-a-break-up-when-you-have-no-relationship-closure/comment-page-3/#comment-42696 Devin Wed, 25 Apr 2012 15:14:05 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2888#comment-42696 Any plans to update this? I saw that there was an update a few years ago, are you still writing about breakups? Any plans to update this? I saw that there was an update a few years ago, are you still writing about breakups?

]]> By: Gail http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-get-over-a-break-up-when-you-have-no-relationship-closure/comment-page-3/#comment-42608 Gail Mon, 23 Apr 2012 21:25:24 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2888#comment-42608 The breakup for me was my idea and was more about me than it was about him...I was forced to ask myself why I let his incredible good looks rule me for months when I could clearly see he was not acting in a way that was acceptable to me...Did I think I couldn;t find another Brad Pitt clone? Was I that lonley? I knew that I was allowing him to name call and would never take that in the past...He was 16 years younger..Why did I go there? I will say that I painted my condo, worked on my own life goals and still engaged in conversations with the opposite sex albeit light banter and no serious attempt to date...It still hurts but less and less as time goes by. The breakup for me was my idea and was more about me than it was about him…I was forced to ask myself why I let his incredible good looks rule me for months when I could clearly see he was not acting in a way that was acceptable to me…Did I think I couldn;t find another Brad Pitt clone? Was I that lonley? I knew that I was allowing him to name call and would never take that in the past…He was 16 years younger..Why did I go there? I will say that I painted my condo, worked on my own life goals and still engaged in conversations with the opposite sex albeit light banter and no serious attempt to date…It still hurts but less and less as time goes by.

]]> By: Lucie Dankler http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-get-over-a-break-up-when-you-have-no-relationship-closure/comment-page-3/#comment-42490 Lucie Dankler Sat, 21 Apr 2012 11:20:09 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2888#comment-42490 I know I was not perfect during out relationship, I know I made mistakes as we all do. Yes in hindsight I could have handled some issues smarter. What I do not do however is think anything I couldve done differently at the time wouldve made any difference in the outcome. Because we have a child together you constantly get an up close and personal review of the other person which can give you a sharp reminder of why you are not together anymore. My Ex has not changed at all for the better in the last few years...he still lies about things and in fact lied to me on the phone tonight, he is still self centered and only worried about himself and what he needs, he is still moody and morbid, he still gives me the feeling of walking on eggshells around him, he still plays silly head games or power games etc etc etc...I could go on but the point Im making is if half the people on here had ongoing contact forced on you after a breakup you wouldnt be sitting around just remembering all the good stuff and pining for the ex.... I know I was not perfect during out relationship, I know I made mistakes as we all do. Yes in hindsight I could have handled some issues smarter. What I do not do however is think anything I couldve done differently at the time wouldve made any difference in the outcome. Because we have a child together you constantly get an up close and personal review of the other person which can give you a sharp reminder of why you are not together anymore. My Ex has not changed at all for the better in the last few years…he still lies about things and in fact lied to me on the phone tonight, he is still self centered and only worried about himself and what he needs, he is still moody and morbid, he still gives me the feeling of walking on eggshells around him, he still plays silly head games or power games etc etc etc…I could go on but the point Im making is if half the people on here had ongoing contact forced on you after a breakup you wouldnt be sitting around just remembering all the good stuff and pining for the ex….

]]> By: Tim http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-get-over-a-break-up-when-you-have-no-relationship-closure/comment-page-3/#comment-42446 Tim Fri, 20 Apr 2012 14:29:48 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2888#comment-42446 I got dumped 6 months ago. We were together 18 months. She was / is the love of my life. Why did she dump me? Simple, I loved her *too* much. I smothered her. I wasn't being clingy - she had enough space, as did I. But I told her too much about how I loved her and it put her under all sorts of pressure and broke the cardinal rule: it made it look like she was my whole life, not just a part of it. Am I over it? No. Do I accept that it was my fault? Yes. Here's the most important thing of all: if you got dumped it is your (in the majority at least)fault. Don't shy away from that fact. Because it's only once you accept it is your fault that you can possibly affect the changes to yourself that mean it will never happen again. Simple. This isn't about acting the victim, it's about admitting that you messed up and making sure you never mess up in the same way again. Will I ever *fully* get over my ex? No, I don't think I will. She left a massive emotional mark on me. But it's over. Done and dusted and I look forward to the time when I can possibly love someone else the way I loved her. Until then: be patient. I got dumped 6 months ago. We were together 18 months. She was / is the love of my life. Why did she dump me? Simple, I loved her *too* much. I smothered her. I wasn’t being clingy – she had enough space, as did I. But I told her too much about how I loved her and it put her under all sorts of pressure and broke the cardinal rule: it made it look like she was my whole life, not just a part of it. Am I over it? No. Do I accept that it was my fault? Yes. Here’s the most important thing of all: if you got dumped it is your (in the majority at least)fault. Don’t shy away from that fact. Because it’s only once you accept it is your fault that you can possibly affect the changes to yourself that mean it will never happen again. Simple. This isn’t about acting the victim, it’s about admitting that you messed up and making sure you never mess up in the same way again.

Will I ever *fully* get over my ex? No, I don’t think I will. She left a massive emotional mark on me. But it’s over. Done and dusted and I look forward to the time when I can possibly love someone else the way I loved her. Until then: be patient.

]]> By: amanda http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-get-over-a-break-up-when-you-have-no-relationship-closure/comment-page-2/#comment-42137 amanda Wed, 11 Apr 2012 22:53:27 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2888#comment-42137 I dont think I will ever really get over it. After a year it still occupies my thoughts that he is with someone else and how it hurts. All the things I wish I had done differently. All the good times and how I am missing them. Keep going over every little thing. Being reminded of more things all the time. It just feels like yesterday. Thinking what a fool I was one minute and the next minute hating him for hurting me. I was depressed and let myself go and he picked someone the opposite and that hurts. Said that she benefitted from all I taught him so I wish I had not taught him. How we started off on the wrong foot and he would have told her what was wrong with me so she had the edge and could put all those things right and be what he preferred whereas he did not tell me what he did not like so I could put it right. Did not tell me that he did not like people looking how I did. And yet the signs were there all along and I ignored them at the time. I was a fool. I had to learn the hard way. I should have taken note of what was said about me. I should have been prepared to compromise instead of beig confrontational. I should not have been annoying and rubbed things in. I should have been polite and known better how to be nice. I should have listened more and just kept in my strong opinions. I should have and so it goes on at the moment. But why should I have on the other hand? I am not a doormat after all. I dont think I will ever really get over it. After a year it still occupies my thoughts that he is with someone else and how it hurts.
All the things I wish I had done differently. All the good times and how I am missing them. Keep going over every little thing. Being reminded of more things all the time. It just feels like yesterday. Thinking what a fool I was one minute and the next minute hating him for hurting me. I was depressed and let myself go and he picked someone the opposite and that hurts. Said that she benefitted from all I taught him so I wish I had not taught him. How we started off on the wrong foot and he would have told her what was wrong with me so she had the edge and could put all those things right and be what he preferred whereas he did not tell me what he did not like so I could put it right. Did not tell me that he did not like people looking how I did. And yet the signs were there all along and I ignored them at the time. I was a fool. I had to learn the hard way. I should have taken note of what was said about me. I should have been prepared to compromise instead of beig confrontational. I should not have been annoying and rubbed things in. I should have been polite and known better how to be nice. I should have listened more and just kept in my strong opinions. I should have and so it goes on at the moment.
But why should I have on the other hand? I am not a doormat after all.

]]> By: Hilda http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-get-over-a-break-up-when-you-have-no-relationship-closure/comment-page-2/#comment-42128 Hilda Wed, 11 Apr 2012 14:54:40 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2888#comment-42128 I need help. My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago, but I'm really confused about what is really going on. Here's some background info. The first two years we lived in the same area, but then he went to study at West Point this last year. During the spring break he came back with some friends from the academy and if was perfect at first, but then we argued when he got impatient with me when I was trying to make plans. He ignored me after that and told me he didn't want me to say goodbye at the airport. He ignored me for about a week until he broke up with me. He said he didn't wanna deal with me anymore, that he needs to make decisions (needs to know if he's gonna study there for 4 years or go someplace else) and he can't consider me in that decision, he doesn't have time to satisfy my needs, he says I complain too much. After the breakup, we talked and he told me he wasn't sure of what he was doing and that he still loved me. He is being irrationally stubborn about breaking up with me and not really trying to fix this. Then I decided to get into his facebook and I saw that he was flirting with one of the girls he brought over during spring break and he was trying to go out on a date with her and not even 3 weeks passed since the break up. I don't know if it happened, however and how much they've been talking. He's even calling her babe and stuff like that. But I know that it's very recent. After I saw this, I asked him if I could clear up a few things with him and he said ok. I asked if he loved me and he said yes. I asked if he had zero interest in being with me and he said that there is still a chance. Then I asked if he even missed me and he said "a lot". Then I asked if there was someone else, if somebody has caught his eye and he said no. Then if I was the only one on his mind and he said yes. So he lied to me. Then we continued talking and I told him that I'm willing and wanting to be with him but he said he is tired of it, the whole idea of a relationship. I asked him to elaborate but then he says "I love you babe, but I don't think I wanna confide everything with you" and that he doesn't wanna tell me things but that that's exactly what I want. After that, we haven't spoken in about 5 days. I just want advice from people who are impartial. I'm really destroyed right now. Sorry if the answer is right in my face, but I can't think straight anymore. I need help. My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago, but I’m really confused about what is really going on. Here’s some background info. The first two years we lived in the same area, but then he went to study at West Point this last year. During the spring break he came back with some friends from the academy and if was perfect at first, but then we argued when he got impatient with me when I was trying to make plans. He ignored me after that and told me he didn’t want me to say goodbye at the airport. He ignored me for about a week until he broke up with me. He said he didn’t wanna deal with me anymore, that he needs to make decisions (needs to know if he’s gonna study there for 4 years or go someplace else) and he can’t consider me in that decision, he doesn’t have time to satisfy my needs, he says I complain too much. After the breakup, we talked and he told me he wasn’t sure of what he was doing and that he still loved me. He is being irrationally stubborn about breaking up with me and not really trying to fix this. Then I decided to get into his facebook and I saw that he was flirting with one of the girls he brought over during spring break and he was trying to go out on a date with her and not even 3 weeks passed since the break up. I don’t know if it happened, however and how much they’ve been talking. He’s even calling her babe and stuff like that. But I know that it’s very recent. After I saw this, I asked him if I could clear up a few things with him and he said ok. I asked if he loved me and he said yes. I asked if he had zero interest in being with me and he said that there is still a chance. Then I asked if he even missed me and he said “a lot”. Then I asked if there was someone else, if somebody has caught his eye and he said no. Then if I was the only one on his mind and he said yes. So he lied to me. Then we continued talking and I told him that I’m willing and wanting to be with him but he said he is tired of it, the whole idea of a relationship. I asked him to elaborate but then he says “I love you babe, but I don’t think I wanna confide everything with you” and that he doesn’t wanna tell me things but that that’s exactly what I want. After that, we haven’t spoken in about 5 days.

I just want advice from people who are impartial. I’m really destroyed right now. Sorry if the answer is right in my face, but I can’t think straight anymore.

]]> By: Wise one http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-get-over-a-break-up-when-you-have-no-relationship-closure/comment-page-2/#comment-42088 Wise one Tue, 10 Apr 2012 21:08:21 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2888#comment-42088 I'm sorry you find yourselves here. If you have been married a long time and your spouse has suddenly changed and put the focus on themselves it may be a mid life crisis. I was married for 18 years when my wife went into her mid life crisis. She is still in it. I believe it all started with her grandfather and grandmother (mother of her other parent) passing away. Mid life transitions are normal, when deaths or other tragedies happen it can send someone into crisis. Did you know women can go into mid life crisis in their early 30's? So no, it is not only reserved or experienced by those 40 or older. My wife reconnected with a high school friend on Facebook who is the sister of her high school ex-boyfriend. After a few months of that she decided I guess to get back in touch with the ex too. She was distant but still acted herself for the most part. She asked me after we got home from a trip to her home state if I thought she should reconnect with him too. I had no idea what could happen with that and said "Yes I think he is a good guy and would probably friend you." She broke up with him to go out with me over 20 years ago.... He did friend her and what started out as just another contact in a list of friends quickly turned into unbridled desire to email, reminisce, chat, etc. After a month or so it turned into texting too and of course at this point was what is termed as an emotional affair. After trying to contact him and he didn't respond I contacted his wife and she made him break the connection because my wife said she would never break contact with him herself... Well, here I still am married almost 20 years now with 3 kids; 16, 13, and 6. My wife sees nothing wrong in what she did and has told her family she would do it all over again (meaning reconnecting with the ex). I should add when she reconnected with the ex's sister she was going through a divorce herself. I don't know to what extent she supported the reconnection with her brother and hope she wasn't involved at all. I hope and pray everyday my wife will want to fix the damage that has been done in our relationship. I would never say our marriage was perfect and I did contribute to problems in our marriage like every spouse does, no one is perfect. I would also say none of the things I've done are divorceable offenses. If you have been married a long time and run into a spouse that has changed you may be dealing with mid life crisis. The dreaded words you will hear from a spouse in a mid life crisis are "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore." I’m sorry you find yourselves here. If you have been married a long time and your spouse has suddenly changed and put the focus on themselves it may be a mid life crisis. I was married for 18 years when my wife went into her mid life crisis. She is still in it. I believe it all started with her grandfather and grandmother (mother of her other parent) passing away. Mid life transitions are normal, when deaths or other tragedies happen it can send someone into crisis. Did you know women can go into mid life crisis in their early 30′s? So no, it is not only reserved or experienced by those 40 or older. My wife reconnected with a high school friend on Facebook who is the sister of her high school ex-boyfriend. After a few months of that she decided I guess to get back in touch with the ex too. She was distant but still acted herself for the most part. She asked me after we got home from a trip to her home state if I thought she should reconnect with him too. I had no idea what could happen with that and said “Yes I think he is a good guy and would probably friend you.” She broke up with him to go out with me over 20 years ago…. He did friend her and what started out as just another contact in a list of friends quickly turned into unbridled desire to email, reminisce, chat, etc. After a month or so it turned into texting too and of course at this point was what is termed as an emotional affair. After trying to contact him and he didn’t respond I contacted his wife and she made him break the connection because my wife said she would never break contact with him herself… Well, here I still am married almost 20 years now with 3 kids; 16, 13, and 6. My wife sees nothing wrong in what she did and has told her family she would do it all over again (meaning reconnecting with the ex). I should add when she reconnected with the ex’s sister she was going through a divorce herself. I don’t know to what extent she supported the reconnection with her brother and hope she wasn’t involved at all. I hope and pray everyday my wife will want to fix the damage that has been done in our relationship. I would never say our marriage was perfect and I did contribute to problems in our marriage like every spouse does, no one is perfect. I would also say none of the things I’ve done are divorceable offenses. If you have been married a long time and run into a spouse that has changed you may be dealing with mid life crisis. The dreaded words you will hear from a spouse in a mid life crisis are “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”

]]> By: scarlett http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-get-over-a-break-up-when-you-have-no-relationship-closure/comment-page-2/#comment-40844 scarlett Tue, 20 Mar 2012 02:58:29 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2888#comment-40844 I was married 18 years and had 3 kids. My husband never cared what i wanted to do and alway put my family down and discouraged the kids from going with me to visit them. He was controlling and manipulative and i had many fantasies over the years of being on my own and away from him and meeting someone who truly cared about me. He found a friend at work and completely ingnored me for a year and a half and i thought we could be roomates but i got sick of all the lies and his new obsession, which is what he does.. he has a borderline narcist personality and when he is done with friends, he is done. He truly needs help but sees everyone else as the problam. If you bring this up he gets defensive and says i'm stupid. So why am I sad. I have wanted this for awhile but i am truly hurt and angry. I should be jumping with joy but he still has a hold over the kids and has them feeling sorry for him. They don't want to here his drama so the ask me to not provoke him, So damn frustraiting. I was married 18 years and had 3 kids. My husband never cared what i wanted to do and alway put my family down and discouraged the kids from going with me to visit them. He was controlling and manipulative and i had many fantasies over the years of being on my own and away from him and meeting someone who truly cared about me. He found a friend at work and completely ingnored me for a year and a half and i thought we could be roomates but i got sick of all the lies and his new obsession, which is what he does.. he has a borderline narcist personality and when he is done with friends, he is done. He truly needs help but sees everyone else as the problam. If you bring this up he gets defensive and says i’m stupid. So why am I sad. I have wanted this for awhile but i am truly hurt and angry. I should be jumping with joy but he still has a hold over the kids and has them feeling sorry for him. They don’t want to here his drama so the ask me to not provoke him, So damn frustraiting.

]]> By: Mich http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-get-over-a-break-up-when-you-have-no-relationship-closure/comment-page-2/#comment-40830 Mich Mon, 19 Mar 2012 16:58:43 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2888#comment-40830 I was with my boyfriend on and off for 9 years. We had our own places but i wanted more he knew i did like to live with each other. I was always doing things for him cooking,cleaning etc.I would always go over to his place but he never came to mine. He hardly ever took me anywere. I decided to cut off contact with him and look for someone else. He heard through friends i met someone else and when he found out he was willing to change so he says. I never really seen many changes just a ring but by then i knda gave up it was too late. I dont want him back. he was much older than me by like 20 years. Even when we were together he would be little me just by the way he talked to me. Now he has went around lieing about me. I was with my boyfriend on and off for 9 years. We had our own places but i wanted more he knew i did like to live with each other. I was always doing things for him cooking,cleaning etc.I would always go over to his place but he never came to mine. He hardly ever took me anywere. I decided to cut off contact with him and look for someone else. He heard through friends i met someone else and when he found out he was willing to change so he says. I never really seen many changes just a ring but by then i knda gave up it was too late. I dont want him back. he was much older than me by like 20 years. Even when we were together he would be little me just by the way he talked to me. Now he has went around lieing about me.

]]> By: SomeSadGuy http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-get-over-a-break-up-when-you-have-no-relationship-closure/comment-page-2/#comment-40719 SomeSadGuy Fri, 16 Mar 2012 07:58:35 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=2888#comment-40719 Can anybody help I got dumped by my ex almost a year ago, people say after year it'll be over but I don't think it's working... Tips? Can anybody help I got dumped by my ex almost a year ago, people say after year it’ll be over but I don’t think it’s working… Tips?

]]>