How to Get Over a Break Up When You Don’t Have Closure

getting over a breakup

Can your spirituality help you get over a relationship break up?

Getting over a breakup is hard no matter what – but it’s even more difficult when you don’t have closure. These tips are inspired by a reader who doesn’t want to accept that her relationship is over.

Before my tips, here’s one of my favorite quips: “It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye.” ~ Anonymous.

The most important thing to remember about getting over a break up is that it’s never “over.” Most people lose a piece of their heart when they lose someone they love. But, life after loss can still be meaningful, happy, and exciting – and there is love and laughter after breaking up!

If you’re still stuck in the past, read Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You.





And here are a few suggestions on getting over a break up when you have no relationship closure…

What is Relationship Closure?

Relationship closure is when you – whether you’re a married partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, disgruntled colleague, or unhappy family member – don’t discuss why your love relationship ended. Relationship closure involves honest, healthy, open-minded, nonjudgmental communication. In my article about letting go of someone you love, a reader said she doesn’t feel she has closure. Her fiancé of nine years wasn’t honest about why their relationship ended.

Closure can teach you why your relationship didn’t work out, which helps with letting go of an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or spouse. Closure can help you learn from the mistakes you made. It helps you heal by setting your mind at ease about how your love relationship unfolded. Even if you made mistakes and were part of the reason your relationship failed, closure can make you stronger by preparing you for future love relationships. Denying an ex closure when you’re breaking up is worse than unhealthy: it’s damaging and destructive. Healing comes faster and easier when you’ve had a chance to say goodbye.

Relationship Closure is Difficult Because…

When you’re the one who wants to let go, you may find it easier to avoid talking about it! It’s natural for people to want to avoid pain. Relationship closure is difficult because it’s painful to talk about weaknesses and faults. Closure can involve more pain than just letting someone go without explanation…which is, I think, what my reader’s fiancé was doing when he ended the relationship. He was trying to avoid causing her — and himself — more pain. It’s unfortunate that we’re not taught how to break up with people we love!

Tips for Getting Over a Break Up Without Relationship Closure

This idea of surviving a break up is more fully developed in Letting Go of Someone When You Don’t Have Closure. Here are just a few brief suggestions about letting go. To let go of an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or spouse without closure:

  • Write a letter to your ex, expressing yourself fully. Don’t send the letter right away (if ever). The letter can be as long as you need; you can add to it for days or weeks.
  • Change your environment. If your ex moved out of the house, you might consider finding a new place to live. You might even consider moving to a different state or province.
  • Explore a different lifestyle. My reader mentioned that she worked hard on her career; after the breakup, she might carve out more free time to explore her hobbies, travel, or take classes.
  • Make new friends. You don’t need to abandon your old friends to find relationship closure. However, you may find it refreshing to build new friendships with people who don’t know you from your relationship days.
  • Get counseling. I’m a huge fan of counseling because therapists help you see yourself and your love relationships objectively. A counselor can help you see why you’re having trouble letting go of an ex, and help you learn to find closure on your own. My reader mentioned that she was pregnant but lost the baby; this can seriously complicate the whole process of letting go without relationship closure.
  • Recognize that you are responsible for your feelings. Nobody can “make you feel anything.” When you feel any emotion, you can choose whether to let that feeling sweep you away or derail it and put a more positive emotion in place. Those feelings of worthlessness or being unlovable are emotions you have control over – you do not have to feel that way.

One way to heal after a breakup without closure is to focus on the benefits of being single!

For more tips on healing without saying goodbye, read Getting Over the Pain of an Unexpected Divorce – A Few Tips.

If you have any thoughts on how to get over a break up when you don’t have closure, please comment below…

 

How to Get Your Ex Back

Stop the Divorce and Save Your Marriage

How to Captivate a Man and Make Him Fall in Love


Before You Go...


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Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
I'm a full-time freelance writer and blogger in Vancouver, BC. I created the "Quips and Tips" blog series; my degrees are in Education, Psychology, and Social Work. I welcome your comments below, but I don't give advice. I can offer you a prayer and a blessing, though! You'd be surprised how helpful a prayer can be....

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59 Responses

  1. Laurie says:

    Dear Shania,

    Sometimes you have to create your own closure after a break up. This can involve writing a good-bye letter, or ceremoniously burning a photo or something he wrote to you. Closure doesn’t have to be “done” with the person you broke up with – it can be completed on your own.

    I wonder if your boyfriend experienced closure by leaving the country? Maybe he has closure, but you don’t.

  2. shania says:

    I was deliriously happy with this man, who treated me like a queen for the time we were together, We were going to be married but he had to leave the country, though I tried hard to make it work It didnt he kept ignoring me. The final straw was me finding out that he cheated on me and was dating someone else there….. I dumped him with a very short call less than 2minutes and absolutely no histrionics. I am proud very proud that I could let go. But yes there was no proper closure to either of us.

  3. guestuser says:

    I was in an abusive relationship. My fiance and I moved in together after he proposed to me. In the 6 months of living together, he was verbally, emotionally and physically agressive with me. I saw early signs but I didn’t take it seriously until he hit me for the first time. I couldn’t believe it. Even he seemed surprised by his action and we both went to therapy.

    He seemed to ok for a few months and then we had another fight, followed by him yelling, swearing and he did the inevitable. He kicked me. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let him do this to me ever again.

    He got arrested that night and I haven’t seen him since. It’s been 2 months. Talk about not having closure. Every morning I wake up and tell myself that I did the right thing. I think about him often. For some reason, I seem to remember all the good times. My mind must have already gotten used to suppressing the bad stuff.

    It’s like I’m living a dream. One minute he’s there, gone the next. I will probably never see him again so I have to accept that it’s over and that know that I dodged a bullet. In retrospect, he did not treat me well at all. He called me mean things and broke me down as a human being. Towards the end, I was apologizing for things he’s done wrong…how sad is that?

    My point is, you can’t always get closure. Sometimes, knowing how they deceived and hurt you beyond words, is closure in itself.

  4. Open ended says:

    My ex girlfriend and i dated for 5 years and had a very serious relationship. So serious to the extent that i have never felt anything stronger in the last 4 years after we have broken up. Nobody dumped the other, we both just decided over the last year or soo that we wanted to travel down two completely different life paths, neither of which path would be possible of supporting the other, let alone both. We felt that if we continued on our paths, that we would eventually both just feel nothing but resentment for each other for standing in the way of each other’s dreams.

    Now i have been in a relationship for several years with somebody else who i love to death, but it is a different feeling. I almost feel like a very large part of me hasn’t completely died with my last relationship, it still exists. but i feel that it can only be brough back to life by my ex. There was never complete closure, because every time we communicated, all progress of trying to get over each other was ruined and we went back to square one. So we kind of cut contact and left it at that. I know we both have a part of us dying inside, smoldering being occasionally reminded in small ways to still think about the other, but also both WANT to move on, just can’t ever seem to get all the way there. We both worry that the other one will be ok.

    I Don’t know if either of us will ever be over it. IF that doesn’t suck, I don’t know what does.

  5. Amanda says:

    Look, people break up and it hurts but if its ment to be then its ment to be, but if its over you cant spend your life dwelling on the past, just let it go and move on to bigger and better things. Life is short so dont spend it dwelling over someone who never really wanted you to start with. LET GO and move on because some place out there is someone waiting to find you or for yourself to find them. True love is forever, it works its self out and its constant, Dont settle for less.

  6. Devin says:

    Any plans to update this? I saw that there was an update a few years ago, are you still writing about breakups?

  7. Gail says:

    The breakup for me was my idea and was more about me than it was about him…I was forced to ask myself why I let his incredible good looks rule me for months when I could clearly see he was not acting in a way that was acceptable to me…Did I think I couldn;t find another Brad Pitt clone? Was I that lonley? I knew that I was allowing him to name call and would never take that in the past…He was 16 years younger..Why did I go there? I will say that I painted my condo, worked on my own life goals and still engaged in conversations with the opposite sex albeit light banter and no serious attempt to date…It still hurts but less and less as time goes by.

  8. Lucie Dankler says:

    I know I was not perfect during out relationship, I know I made mistakes as we all do. Yes in hindsight I could have handled some issues smarter. What I do not do however is think anything I couldve done differently at the time wouldve made any difference in the outcome. Because we have a child together you constantly get an up close and personal review of the other person which can give you a sharp reminder of why you are not together anymore. My Ex has not changed at all for the better in the last few years…he still lies about things and in fact lied to me on the phone tonight, he is still self centered and only worried about himself and what he needs, he is still moody and morbid, he still gives me the feeling of walking on eggshells around him, he still plays silly head games or power games etc etc etc…I could go on but the point Im making is if half the people on here had ongoing contact forced on you after a breakup you wouldnt be sitting around just remembering all the good stuff and pining for the ex….

  9. Tim says:

    I got dumped 6 months ago. We were together 18 months. She was / is the love of my life. Why did she dump me? Simple, I loved her *too* much. I smothered her. I wasn’t being clingy – she had enough space, as did I. But I told her too much about how I loved her and it put her under all sorts of pressure and broke the cardinal rule: it made it look like she was my whole life, not just a part of it. Am I over it? No. Do I accept that it was my fault? Yes. Here’s the most important thing of all: if you got dumped it is your (in the majority at least)fault. Don’t shy away from that fact. Because it’s only once you accept it is your fault that you can possibly affect the changes to yourself that mean it will never happen again. Simple. This isn’t about acting the victim, it’s about admitting that you messed up and making sure you never mess up in the same way again.

    Will I ever *fully* get over my ex? No, I don’t think I will. She left a massive emotional mark on me. But it’s over. Done and dusted and I look forward to the time when I can possibly love someone else the way I loved her. Until then: be patient.

  10. amanda says:

    I dont think I will ever really get over it. After a year it still occupies my thoughts that he is with someone else and how it hurts.
    All the things I wish I had done differently. All the good times and how I am missing them. Keep going over every little thing. Being reminded of more things all the time. It just feels like yesterday. Thinking what a fool I was one minute and the next minute hating him for hurting me. I was depressed and let myself go and he picked someone the opposite and that hurts. Said that she benefitted from all I taught him so I wish I had not taught him. How we started off on the wrong foot and he would have told her what was wrong with me so she had the edge and could put all those things right and be what he preferred whereas he did not tell me what he did not like so I could put it right. Did not tell me that he did not like people looking how I did. And yet the signs were there all along and I ignored them at the time. I was a fool. I had to learn the hard way. I should have taken note of what was said about me. I should have been prepared to compromise instead of beig confrontational. I should not have been annoying and rubbed things in. I should have been polite and known better how to be nice. I should have listened more and just kept in my strong opinions. I should have and so it goes on at the moment.
    But why should I have on the other hand? I am not a doormat after all.

  11. Hilda says:

    I need help. My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago, but I’m really confused about what is really going on. Here’s some background info. The first two years we lived in the same area, but then he went to study at West Point this last year. During the spring break he came back with some friends from the academy and if was perfect at first, but then we argued when he got impatient with me when I was trying to make plans. He ignored me after that and told me he didn’t want me to say goodbye at the airport. He ignored me for about a week until he broke up with me. He said he didn’t wanna deal with me anymore, that he needs to make decisions (needs to know if he’s gonna study there for 4 years or go someplace else) and he can’t consider me in that decision, he doesn’t have time to satisfy my needs, he says I complain too much. After the breakup, we talked and he told me he wasn’t sure of what he was doing and that he still loved me. He is being irrationally stubborn about breaking up with me and not really trying to fix this. Then I decided to get into his facebook and I saw that he was flirting with one of the girls he brought over during spring break and he was trying to go out on a date with her and not even 3 weeks passed since the break up. I don’t know if it happened, however and how much they’ve been talking. He’s even calling her babe and stuff like that. But I know that it’s very recent. After I saw this, I asked him if I could clear up a few things with him and he said ok. I asked if he loved me and he said yes. I asked if he had zero interest in being with me and he said that there is still a chance. Then I asked if he even missed me and he said “a lot”. Then I asked if there was someone else, if somebody has caught his eye and he said no. Then if I was the only one on his mind and he said yes. So he lied to me. Then we continued talking and I told him that I’m willing and wanting to be with him but he said he is tired of it, the whole idea of a relationship. I asked him to elaborate but then he says “I love you babe, but I don’t think I wanna confide everything with you” and that he doesn’t wanna tell me things but that that’s exactly what I want. After that, we haven’t spoken in about 5 days.

    I just want advice from people who are impartial. I’m really destroyed right now. Sorry if the answer is right in my face, but I can’t think straight anymore.

  12. Wise one says:

    I’m sorry you find yourselves here. If you have been married a long time and your spouse has suddenly changed and put the focus on themselves it may be a mid life crisis. I was married for 18 years when my wife went into her mid life crisis. She is still in it. I believe it all started with her grandfather and grandmother (mother of her other parent) passing away. Mid life transitions are normal, when deaths or other tragedies happen it can send someone into crisis. Did you know women can go into mid life crisis in their early 30’s? So no, it is not only reserved or experienced by those 40 or older. My wife reconnected with a high school friend on Facebook who is the sister of her high school ex-boyfriend. After a few months of that she decided I guess to get back in touch with the ex too. She was distant but still acted herself for the most part. She asked me after we got home from a trip to her home state if I thought she should reconnect with him too. I had no idea what could happen with that and said “Yes I think he is a good guy and would probably friend you.” She broke up with him to go out with me over 20 years ago…. He did friend her and what started out as just another contact in a list of friends quickly turned into unbridled desire to email, reminisce, chat, etc. After a month or so it turned into texting too and of course at this point was what is termed as an emotional affair. After trying to contact him and he didn’t respond I contacted his wife and she made him break the connection because my wife said she would never break contact with him herself… Well, here I still am married almost 20 years now with 3 kids; 16, 13, and 6. My wife sees nothing wrong in what she did and has told her family she would do it all over again (meaning reconnecting with the ex). I should add when she reconnected with the ex’s sister she was going through a divorce herself. I don’t know to what extent she supported the reconnection with her brother and hope she wasn’t involved at all. I hope and pray everyday my wife will want to fix the damage that has been done in our relationship. I would never say our marriage was perfect and I did contribute to problems in our marriage like every spouse does, no one is perfect. I would also say none of the things I’ve done are divorceable offenses. If you have been married a long time and run into a spouse that has changed you may be dealing with mid life crisis. The dreaded words you will hear from a spouse in a mid life crisis are “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”

  13. scarlett says:

    I was married 18 years and had 3 kids. My husband never cared what i wanted to do and alway put my family down and discouraged the kids from going with me to visit them. He was controlling and manipulative and i had many fantasies over the years of being on my own and away from him and meeting someone who truly cared about me. He found a friend at work and completely ingnored me for a year and a half and i thought we could be roomates but i got sick of all the lies and his new obsession, which is what he does.. he has a borderline narcist personality and when he is done with friends, he is done. He truly needs help but sees everyone else as the problam. If you bring this up he gets defensive and says i’m stupid. So why am I sad. I have wanted this for awhile but i am truly hurt and angry. I should be jumping with joy but he still has a hold over the kids and has them feeling sorry for him. They don’t want to here his drama so the ask me to not provoke him, So damn frustraiting.

  14. Mich says:

    I was with my boyfriend on and off for 9 years. We had our own places but i wanted more he knew i did like to live with each other. I was always doing things for him cooking,cleaning etc.I would always go over to his place but he never came to mine. He hardly ever took me anywere. I decided to cut off contact with him and look for someone else. He heard through friends i met someone else and when he found out he was willing to change so he says. I never really seen many changes just a ring but by then i knda gave up it was too late. I dont want him back. he was much older than me by like 20 years. Even when we were together he would be little me just by the way he talked to me. Now he has went around lieing about me.

  15. SomeSadGuy says:

    Can anybody help I got dumped by my ex almost a year ago, people say after year it’ll be over but I don’t think it’s working… Tips?

  16. eva says:

    Hello i just need help after 19 years of not seeing an x and first love which i lost 2 pregancies hewas a drunk at that time in his life, had walk away without saying good bye one morning 19 years ago many times he tried looking for me but people,family keept us apart over the years found him on facebook 3 months ago now we talk everyday but nowhe is married with 2 children is it wrong to makemyself believe for false hope,he says he loves me i thought i got ober this along time ago but it still hurts th a t i cant be with him now that he is all well and sober.its everyday like a sickness that wont go away we just cant getenough of each other each day that we talk. Help need advice or imput of how to deal with this and ya he says he loves me but he wont leave his children.should i just cut off the conection?

  17. moiriellee says:

    Read about you never really get over a break up as a bit of your heart breaks off well in that case does that mean there isn’t any heart left if it all got knocked off?

    Wonder if that was my trouble in taking so long to heal and too long to love again that when I did it was too late and he had moved on and given up.

    Only to start all over again with the whole sad sorry process.

  18. orianna says:

    Breaking up – someone said takes l month for every year. So if it is now 82 days since nc divide that by 7 = nearly three months next week that is three quarters of the way over. And that will nearly be a year in two months since I got dumped but there was contact and that put it all back again. Still think of it now but nc is better. I don’t want to know what he is doing. Avoid him like plague. But hard when go somewhere you went tog. which can’t avoid as went everywhere. Can’t move.

  19. billiana says:

    Someone asked why no one answers these cries for help just writes their storey.

    The reason is because we are all wanting help and don’t know the answers if we did we would not be reading these entries in the first place.

    Who would be reading them otherwise to help? I can’t think of anyone who would know who would say anything worth knowing.

    It is only someone’s opinion after all. My opinion over all these hurting people is to pray to God, distract in some way, pamper yourself in some way, write it down, write poems, cheer yourself up like force yourself to dance, sing, walk, chat with friends, make yourself look better, swim, relax, buy new clothes but all this in my case only papers over the cracks and I still have a hole. Yes in time it is not so bad but you live with it.

  20. Pk says:

    I dated this guy for 11 months. He was my first serious boyfriend, we loved each other, and I opened up to him completely. I never felt like it wasnt right from the start but I told myself I was maybe being too unfair to him. The problem was he was a child mentally, not a man. I was such a good person, I nurtured him, hepled him grow (or at least tried to). I could tell it wasn’t working 8 months in and tried to end it but he showed up at my university crying, wouldn’t stop texting me or promising to change, and of course I missed him so I took him back. A couple days ago he frustrated me for the last time with his inability to know how to be conisderate, and I told him i didn;t know how much more I could take. I said I didn’t think I oculd do this anymore but could we please say goodbye face to face. That night he had been promising that we would be okay so what happened was totally unexpected. He texted me that he needed to think for hinself and we should go our separate ways and he wouldn’t answer my call. He’s told my friend he doesn’t want to talk to me because then we’ll never be over. I want to be over I just need a goodbye. He knows I’m hurting but clearly took the easier way out for himself. I just can’t believe after everything we went through and everything I did for him he can’t be decent to give us both closure. Why couldn’t we end it like civilized people so all I would have to do right now is miss him a bit, not feel like my heart and been broken. I know a lot of me is upset that he doesn’t miss me anymore and is moing on so easily. Should i hope for a phone call one day? I know I cant call him or text anymore because he hasn’t answered and its making me look pathetic. I just want to know if he can really forget me for good, and never contact me again. What should I do? I can’t eat or sleep and he seems fine. On top of missing him I’m in shock and I feel hepless. Ican’t even focus on school which is so important. And when I called his cell and he picked up, when he heard my voice he pretended to be “Jamal” and hung up.

  21. Angie F says:

    Comment for Jay Merlit: right on … So in agreement with all you said. We are responsible for our own happiness. When making someone else responsible, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness. You’ll spend all your time trying to change the other person or end up leaving an otherwise perfectly good relationship.

  22. Shirin says:

    This reply is for Anna:
    Anna I just went through a similar experience. I men a guy online 9 months ago. We developed an amazing bond through chatting. We decided to meet up in Sept 2011 in Spain. It was absolutely magical. We feel in love. He decided that he needs to be with me and arranged for a work visa in USA. He is from Italy. He came to USA on jan 7th 2012 and upon arrival was a totally different person. He was cold and emotionally withdrawn. After of one week living with me he said he felt emotionally pressured, needed his space and didn’t think our relationship was working because his family in Italy needs him and he cannot do long distance relationship. So he moved out very fast. After moving out he called to apologize saying he doesn’t know what got to him that morning that he wanted to meet with me to explain his situation. He did say he wants to stay friends but also said he wants to meet to “fix things up”. He said he loves me in a difficult way. I think he is very confused and i became extremely confused myself. I decided to not meet him and let it go. It is very painful though because I feel in love with him. Anna or any one else , do you have any answers or comments. Did I do the right thing to not meet up ? I am avoiding more hurt.

  23. Jay Merlot says:

    I have to add something here. I was the partner left behind without closure. We were together 9 years and engaged for 2. We survived a bout of infidelity (her not me) before we got engaged. She left me mentally almost a year before she actually left. When she did she left me with a note.

    Reason I have to add something is that the post by Gini Grey almost called out to me. I’ve moved on entirely now, but the first year plus afterwards I was completely destroyed by this woman, my soul was shattered into pieces.

    During that time, I read a lot about relationships and the differences between men and women, trying to understand. I learned something: women were more likely to attribute their level of happiness to their partners. Women who became bored in their lives would often blame their partner and the relationship itself, regardless of marital status with their partner. This often manifests itself in what Gini talks about: “the partner ending the relationship doesn’t quite know themselves why they are ending it – it’s more of a feeling or intuitive urge”.

    Men, on the other hand are much more simple. They own their own state of happiness or lack thereof. So in a calm relationship without a lot of fighting, if they are leaving they usually know entirely why – to meet a new girl, because they have already met a new girl, or because they do not like the relationship dynamic. Men hate seeing a woman cry, which is why they would leave the relationship without closure.

    However it is the feminine side that I would like to address more here, because as Gini states it is hopelessly vague. It is this feeling of malaise. There is no way to “fix” it that they can see, quite often because there is really no “problem” at all. A quick skim of the book “Eat, Love, Pray” reveals just how destructive this phenomenon can be. The book doesnt mention the poor husband, left at home to raise the children by himself. What it does do is chronicle the ridiculous litany of attempts to try to find out what was missing and cure the malaise, ranging from eating fine food in Italy sleeping with older men to experimenting with strange religions. None of these things fill the empty void and there is no mention of the guilt that would ensue when the money ran dry.

    To all readers: If any woman you know, or you yourself is feeling this general malaise and is contemplating leaving what appears to be a healthy relationship – dont buy into it! Shake them out of it! This is a byproduct of postfeminism. Women are taught that they can have the best job and make a difference in the world and that motherhood and marriage are curses and vehicles for victimization, that they can not only have it all but be it all, they can have the successful A-type personality husband but that he should be caring and sensitive and want to talk about feelings.

    The mixed messages of feminism render women totally confused at some point or another in their relationship. This is the cause of the general malaise that causes this type of breakup.

    The fact is, life is boring sometimes. Sometimes boring is a good thing in relationships, it means that there is no soap opera drama to work out, no fights, no infidelity, things are going just fine, nobody is crying and nobody is yelling.

    Generation after generation of women knew this and the divorce rate and marriages and long term relationships clunked along just fine. Feminism came along and confused women with these mixed messages, teaching them that life was supposed to be entirely this exciting, fulfilling, dream world when this isnt the case.

    While I know I am going to come across as a person who thinks very little of feminism, in no way am I a chauvinist. I am happy that women have equal rights and happy they can work and get educated and happy for those women who choose not to get married or have children. What I disdain about feminism is how it looks down upon women who want to be wives, looks down upon women who want to have children. How it confuses women into thinking that they all need to be these globe trotting, jet setting, promiscuous, difference making people and all this messaging makes even he most exciting of spousal relations seem all just so boring.

    In the scenario that Gini outlines, these women will paw around and grab ahold of reasons that are entirely ficticous. An argument where the man yelled then becomes an abusive relationship. If the man likes his beer he is then an alcoholic who needs help. If the man is interested in different things then they are growing apart and maybe the two should move on.

    However its all bunk. In the courtship phase of any relationship, the couple is brought together by a common interest or place such as a school or workplace. Then the couple becomes inseparable in the honeymoon phase . Then they start to reclaim their own identities, hanging around with their own friends, doing some things on their own. Slowly each part of the couple starts to explore new hobbies and things of interest.

    Eventually, you have the man interested in man stuff, whether it’s tinkering with a car, working with tools, hunting, sports, whatever. You also have the woman interested in woman stuff, whether it’s shopping, clothes, fashion, helping the poor, community service, whatever as well. In no way does the man stuff or woman stuff have to fall into an established gender stereotype.

    But to expect that a husband is going to enjoy spending all day at the mall shopping for a dress, or that the wife is going to enjoy watching sports and drinking beer all day is very much an abolition of the very facts that brought the couple together in the first place. The woman fell in love with the man because he was attractive as a man. The man fell in love with the woman because she was attractive as a woman.

    How many women go ga-ga over a guy who is feminine, focuses on feelings, and who has a great eye for what shoes go with what outfit? Practically none. What man goes ga-ga over a woman who can bench press 240 pounds? Not many.

    Where the whole general malaise occurs in women somewhere in he relationship is when the woman believes that the man SHOULD be interested in helping her pick the right pair of shoes for that outfit. Or that the man SHOULD be interested in hearing all of the gossip amongst the ladies at work. Or that the man SHOULD want to do whatever she wants to do at that particular time, or he SHOULD like this or that.

    What happens is that the woman is bored, because she is turning into a boring person. She fingers the relationship, ends it, and finds another man who is into a bunch of different things than the previous guy and eventually she’ll get bored of that stuff too and end up right back where she started.

    I have seen this pattern not only in my own ex, but in the exes of many people I know who suffered the “breakup for no reason” at the hands of their long term girlfriend, wife, partner, etc. These women skate from guy to guy looking for excitement and passion. Really they need to find this within themselves.

    So stop a guy whos doing everything good for your girlfriends from having his heart broken for no good reason. Stop your girlfriend who is giving the “im not happy” babble without good constructive reason from going off to skate from guy to guy until she figures out that her happiness is her own to choose.

    When you have a girlfriend saying “I’m not happy, I dont know why, I just dont feel this relationship is working for me” give her a good ol girl to girl slap across the face… and tell her she needs to find her own interesting hobby that will drive her passion. Tell her she isnt the centre of he universe because she’s not the centre of the universe.

    And for the love of God, dont feed it by giving her ideas as to why a perfectly good relationship might not be working out to seize upon. Just ask quite bluntly to give you some real concrete examples of why she thinks its the relationship’s fault. If she cant come up with anything other than “we dont do anything together anymore” then tell her to maybe start making plans to do something with her man.

    Sorry for the rant but I’m tired of seeing perfectly good relationships dissolve for no reason other than that women thought that once they got married everything would be pie in the sky and when reality hits they break someones heart for no good reason at all. They need to learn this lesson BEFORE they get into a serious relationship. Men don’t dig “starter marriages”.

  24. Toomuchpain says:

    I understand it helps to write things down and share everything, but why is no one answering or helping all these stories. Some people are desperately crying out for help and no one is responding??? Is there someone who can reply to as many posts as possible to help. I myself need guidance and help and am almost at my wits end but what is the point of writing if no one is listening or offering help. I did a post quite a while ago but apart another person who posted who was kind enough to say she could understand how I felt and I appreciated that immensely, no one is giving advice to help:(( I thought that was what this was all about?:9

  25. Nicki says:

    Hi, so me and by boyfriend well I guess you will call him ex boyfriend now have been together for a yr and a half. We knew eachtother for four years but since the beginning he has had a habit of dissapearing. Over the past month and a half I have been ignored by him over break. I have called him text him tried everything and all he can say to me is we need to talk when we are back at college. Before break we got into a fight that was admidedly my fault. All he says is that I will never change and he needs time to think. I have told him to just break up with me and save me this torture of waiting and we can be done.He will not. He then gets angry and ignores me more or says at college we will talk. In all rightness I should be angry he didnt spend the holidays with me and drove back alone to college leaving me stranded. The strangest part is that he drove me home before break and we seemed ok?…I just cant wrap my mind around this, and the worst part is now a new guy is trying to enter my life telling me I deserve more and better but I can not let go of the love I have for my ex. Help please ….

  26. Anna says:

    I have a somewhat unique situation. I met a man online a few years ago. We spoke often and talked of visiting one another all of the time. I finally decided one day to end the anticipation and got on a plane and flew around the world to see him. He was the same man I knew online except for one crucial difference. He was cold. He was standoffish and quiet and made me feel as if I had to walk on eggshells around him. After the hours of late night chats and phone calls and years of divulging all of my deep secrets and dreams to him, I was in love. it was hard to watch what i had felt so deeply for so long turn to smoke when it stopped being hypothetical. Now he refuses to respond to my emails or if he does it is always a cryptic, riddle-filled message that I cannot decipher. I want to let go. I want to not care anymore but I am having great difficulty doing so. How do I stop wanting that closure? How do I move on and pretend it never happened? I am so ready to heal and forget. I need help.

  27. Sandy says:

    I just bumped into my childhood sweetheart the other morning. We hadn’t seen each other for 31 years, other than one other time that we just totally ignored each other and pretended we never saw the other one there.

    This last time, he was coming out of an isle and almost hit me. He stopped, and couldn’t look at me, but brushed his hair with his hand up over the top of his head, and wasn’t looking at me. I looked up and saw that it was him. When I did, I looked in his eyes, and froze, literally, realizing it was him. I couldn’t move, or speak, then I came-to, shook my head some, and continued on like nothing had happened, and said excuse us, as I was walking away, still in shock. I could barely walk, I felt drunk and didn’t know if I could still stand, then I picked up speed after putting my hand on my head, brushing my hair up over. I went out of sight, caught my breath, for a minute and acted like nothing happened. But cashed out and went home.

    In high school, I foolishly allowed a guy to hold my hand after telling him that I was kind of seeing someone. We got together that night because he wanted to talk to me. He took my hand. I told him, “no” He kept on. During that time, my boyfriend’s really good friend, that was a girl saw, and went back and told him the following day at school. Once she told him, I heard loud bangs. (slamming his books on the desk) I felt so bad. I really cared about him, and never wanted to hurt him. And I never wanted it to be over between the two of us. His friends that were girls, convinced me to stay away from him. They both told me that they would go out with him in a heart beat, but he didn’t like at him that way. I knew I was so wrong. To this day, I feel bad and still have very strong feelings for him, which will never become anything, more. I quit school in my senior year.It was too painful.

    I didn’t see the guy that took my hand that night for a year or two. Three months after We dated, he asked me to marry him. I didn’t understand love, but knew he would always be there for me. We knew each other since we were 9 years old. He wouldn’t date anyone else. We’ve been married now, for 32 years. He’s been wonderful. There’s still these feeling of awkwardness, guilt and a warm place in my heart that will always be there for this other guy that I never had closure with, because we never really talked about that time.

    Somehow, we need to get past this. He’s as awkward as I am about this.He lives the next little town over. The grocery store is in his town.

  28. Hussnain says:

    I’m a 16 year old boy in 10th Standard! Meta girl one year junior than me in 9th standard! so just I felt for her. and Became Friends. then changed into boyfriends and girlfriends. but after 4 months we broke up. but she was a flirt and had affairs with other guys, too! but i rally love her and want her in any case. so i sent one of my friends to her for her cellular number. but she asked for a solid reason which i don’t really have will you please help me out!

  29. geo says:

    Hey. I’m an 18 year old guy, and I feel that I can be much better that I’ve been wasting my time so far.. I wanna be the over achiever that I want, overly social were my phone won’t stop receiving texts from friends. I want friends :( any help?

  30. Antonella says:

    Hi
    I am in a terrible mess. I met him suddenly three years ago and fell in love with him immediately. I had never felt so warm about someone in my life before even though I habe been married for many many years. We had been communicating frequently and I did not say anything directly neither he did. But every mark was welcoming for a close relationship. Finally when he heard what was in my mind and he wanted nothing in hurry. Bue he never said No and I was in so much love with him. He died suddenly and left me with no signs. I am in a marriage with someone who loves me a lot treats me with lots of care and love. I know he will do anything to make me happy. I still cannot forget my love to him who died and I still love him. I want to come back. It has been always distant and I don’t know how to close it. I am not sure even he loved me because I didn’t ask and didn’t say. But he always left welcoming marks everywhere. I want to accept that I cannot be in love with him any more. But I still love him. A love affair without a closure and without knowing whether the otehr person really loved you can kill you gradually. That is what happens to me now!

  31. taff says:

    was wit my partner for almost 4yrs, i made some silly mistakes at the beginning but thought we work them. even got stronger between us & even got engaged really look good for us. then she went away for a hen weekend & i went out wit a mate because i never answered a text, when she come back she had a go at me. then next morning she called it off between us by text saying i cheated then for a few days i was getting blamed for everything & then it stopped & never heard from her for 4 months. but i get told it’s down 2 me & agree i could of done better but even now she keeps on, i’ve moved on in most ways my problems i’ve started 2 work at them. we ave spoken face 2 face & i told her the truth & my feelings 2 wards her. i’ve asked her 2 stop contacting but still & really don’t know why she not let me move on. thank u for reading.

  32. Lary says:

    This kind of long.

    I met this woman over almost 2 years ago. She came into my life by pure coincidence. I, at the time was having serious marital problems. My wife and I were having marriage counseling to to see if our marriage could be saved. Long story short it was not
    The woman mention had nothing to do with the marital issues. That was happening for a number of years.

    Anyway, I met the woman at my college homecoming. She did not attend the school, but attended with a former classmate. We all were hanging out and conversing, with she and I having the briefest of conversations. But for some, but for some reason I left feeling like a hidden message was sent :-).

    There was no followup, due to ongoing counseling. It was not until a decision was made to separate and end the marriage that I made any attempt to contact her.

    Fast forward, nothing was rushed. We really took our time to getting to know each other. Shoot it took weeks for me to kiss her on the lips. We ended up dating and really enjoying each others company. In the beginning I was very straight forward with her about my predicament and my living situation. She may have had some lingering doubts as anybody would, but in the end everything panned out.

    She too is also separated from her husband, has her own place and has 2 teenage boys. And is separated longer than I have been.

    A few months after we started seeing each other I was a victim of the economy and lost my job. She was very supportive emotionally. I have never ask her for any money, but from time to time she gave indirectly. It was bit uncomfortable, but she did it nontheless.

    Over the the past summer her job started taking up alot of her time and energy. We saw each other but it would be late in the evenings. The last time we went out was in September. During that time even some of the communication was becoming difficult. We spoke on the phone or text. Some of the issues that started coming up were partly due to texting and with this came the misunderstandings to what was being text. I text and not a very big fan of it. I would try to discuss these issues but to no avail. At times, she would try to solve the issues by texting, as oppose to speaking, which I have a major problem with. After such a promising relationship it ended with her texting me, that “she can no longer meet my requirements for a healthy boy friend girlfriend relationship, but we can be friends”.

    This took me by surprise. I tried contacting her immediately. I called a few times, sent an email and even responded to her text. But as of this date nothing.

    What do you think.

  33. Exercise is by far one of the most effective ways of letting go of a past relationship. Not only do you get out any aggression or residual bitterness you had over the breakup, but you’re improving yourself both physically and mentally in the process.

  34. Sarah says:

    my relationship has recently ended rather abruptly. i have been with my partner on and off for the last 22 yrs – we have a 10yr old son together. we dont live together though. it all started when lee (my ex) took our son away for a week without me for a boys bonding week. he didnt have the money to take him so he borrowed some of our sons birthday money. i spoke to them both every night on the phone. the one night my son was being rude to me so i said if he carried on i would hang up – anyway he carried on so i said “im going now” and hung up. the next thing i know ive got lee ringing me back and im fuming so i end up losing my temper and saying things that i really didnt mean. when they got back things were frosty between us and we didnt speak to each other for a week. then he started emailing me and we were joking by email so i thought things would be ok.

    he had promised our son that he could have his money back that week – but he is self employed and didnt get paid from his job so he couldnt pay the money back. instead of ringing or coming here to tell me he just completley cut us both off for nearly 4 weeks. i had our son crying himself to sleep because he thought his dad had left him – lee has never done anything like this before and he worships out son. so i sent him and email – because he wouldnt answer my calls or texts – telling him he couldnt see our son anymore because of the upset he was causing. i sent the email to force his hand – i would never ever stop them seeing each other. i had no response from the email so i rang his mum and told her everything. the next thing i know he emails me telling me its me he doesnt want to see not our son. so he picks our son up twice that week and both times he brings him home and lets him in with his key but doesnt come in.

    in the end i get fed up of things being this way so i ring him and ask him if we can sort things out – he went beserk on the phone – he never loses his temper but he did. he told me that he cant be with me so i said to him “u dont love me then” to which he kept saying i cant be with you – i cant handle the arguments – we rarely argue and were very happy. he was telling me a few weeks before how much he loves me and always will. anyway that was that so i left it. i then had to ring him because of our son a few days later and he was drunk and very very angry with me – he ended up telling me that he doesnt love me anymore – he will always love me as a friend but everything else has gone. he still hasnt given our son the money he owes him. my mum is saying he is angry with me for telling his mum because i know she had a go at him. my mum thinks ive hurt his pride – which i prob have. he says he fell out of love with me during the phone call when they were away – but i know you dont fall out of love with someone in one instant. as you imagine after 22 yrs im crushed.

    everyone has said that he said it in anger and doesnt mean it – and its about punishing me for embarassing him in front of his parents – but im so hurt, i dont know what to do. i have asked him for the house key and my stuff back but he never gives any of it back. i feel like im dying. and i dont know what to do.

  35. Noleen says:

    Me n bf live 2getha at his parents house we share a child 2getha i feel like he use me i buy hm everythng he is very selfish towards me n disrespectful he bad mouths me 2 my so i feel i am waisting my tme bt i hav no where else 2 go he do care alot 4 hm n hpe thngs wil change i am mre used 2 comfort zone i am in coz i am indepant hav a gud job plz giv me advice as 2 get out bfore its 2late.

  36. erica says:

    Some advice may help me in this situation.
    I dont know what to do. I broke up with my ex bf in February 2009. He was in Iraq at the time. I broke up with him because all we did was fight when he was on leave. We fought bad over stupid things like that I felt home made sauce was better than canned and how I thought meatloaf sucked and he loved it. He is a very disrespectful person. He swears way to much ( I swear when its appropriate), makes vulgar comments, and gets told constantly by his superiors in the army that he needs therapy for his anger, attitude, and he needs to learn respect. His lack of respect is the reason I never told my parents about him which also created tension.

    When I broke up with my ex in Feb. I started dating my high school love. My high school love had recently broken it off with is girl friend of 2 years. That was the girl he dated instead of me in high school because he though I did not like him. Anyway the day he asked me out is the day I broke up with my ex bf. I am still together with my high school love but I dont know anymore. He is everything anyone could ask for. He is respectful, a hard worker, educated, and family orientated. He is perfect.

    6 months after the break up with my ex sent me a message. I ignored it not wanting to cause problems. Then about 2 months ago I tried every way to contact him. When he finally responded I was excited. Then I met up with him and we are planning on meeting up one more time before he deploys. I was very excited to see him and sad when he had to go. He has changed a lot. He now does drugs, drinks a lot, and sleeps with girls he meets. He was not like this before I met him. When I was with him I was very comfortable, I felt safe.

    This sucks. I dont know what to do. I mean I know I am not getting back with my ex because he does not want a real gf. I also know that my bf now is a great man but I just dont know if I can be intimate with him anymore. I am having such a hard time with things. I need to know what to do with my life!

  37. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Jenny,

    Thanks for your comment about relationship closure — I totally agree that it’s important for both your past and your future relationship!

    Laurie
    .-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post …Best Ways to Save Money on Summer Holidays – 7 Travel Tips =-.

  38. Jenny says:

    Hi, I enjoyed reading this article because my boyfriend and I had some issues with his feelings towards his ex girlfriend since there was no proper closure in their relationship. This fact made him think twice about how he feels for me and sadly, if he really is in love with me.

    In short, I just like to say that proper closure in relationships is essential just to not let you left thinking the “what ifs” and to avoid the person you’ll be involved with in the future.
    .-= Jenny´s last blog post …How to Get Over a Break up – A Common Sense Guide to Getting Over Your Ex =-.

  39. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Yong,

    I don’t think you can help the other woman get over the breakup…the best, most loving thing you can do is let her go. She needs to heal and figure out for herself why she’s allowing herself to be treated this way. It may seem cruel, but you need to tell her you’re breaking off contact for her own good. And, you need to stick to your statement. No more emails or sms or anything like that.

    Remember that code of honor you mentioned? Well, you need to revive that and help the other woman get over the breakup by giving her space to heal. You weren’t living according to your values before, but you can start today.

    Laurie

  40. Yong says:

    Hi there,
    In all my life I have lived by a code of honor and at a variety of levels but lately I have crossed lines I would have never imagined. I got involved with two women at the same time.(evil!!) Never made any commitment to any of them. Lived in denial about the relationships all along.One of them later found out what was going on and i got busted.I asked for a second chance from one of them and got it.
    The other one is having a rough time lettinng me go and i cant stop thinking about her either. I think about her all the time even though i know in my heart of hearts we couldnt be with each other really.I understand all this intellectually but its all nil in my heart.
    I dont even know what to tell the other woman anymore. She wants a second chance as well even though she knows im seeing someone else.
    I wonder if a jumped right into everything too quick and didnt have time to think thro everything that happened. I feel lost. I cant even treat my girlfriend as good as want to..too much baggage in my heart and i cant find myself within all this chaos.
    How do i help the other woman get over things. She knows i lived a lie all along but she still wants to be with me.I dont know how to explain it.How can she still want to be with me when i put her thro hell and back. She wants advise from me about which way to turn.We still communicate and all she does is cry. I feel terrible for all this but how i can i even start to help her or myself get over it. We agree to stop communicating and get back right into smsing and emails after one day.
    How do i get over it and how do i help her especially after i put her thro all this shenanigans.Im learning to live with the consequences of what i have done but just how do i help her and help myself…??i will probably never understand it all.

  41. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Liza,

    Wow, that’s a long time to have a boyfriend — eight years — and only be physically together for a month!

    You asked for a wake up call…and here it is…

    If he really loved you, he would make time for you. He would be calling you, visiting you, buying you dinner, and even proposing marriage to you! He would tell you he loves you, and you would FEEL and SEE his love through the things he says and does.

    Men who love women make sacrifices for them. Men who love women do everything they can to keep them happy.

    Your story reminded me of one of my favorite quotations: “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today.”

    Liza, the best time to have come to your senses and leave this man was seven and a half years ago. But, the second best time is today! It’s time to reclaim your life and your self-respect. It’s time to live a life that’s full of love and laughter and light…not one that’s riddled with sadness, disrespect, and confusion.

    I encourage you to write down what you want to say to him when you’re breaking up with him. Write down exactly how you feel and what you think you deserve out of a love relationship. How you choose to break it off with him is up to you — but don’t wait for him to make time for you. If he can’t see you in the next day or two, then email him.

    You need to find the strength and courage within yourself to stick to your decision. He’s not helping you be the best woman you can be…and it’s time for you to stand up for yourself, and let him go.

    I wish you all the best — and hope you come back and tell me that you’ve broken up with him, and are healing your broken heart! And then, you’ll soon be ready to invite a man into your life who is loving, caring, kind, and respectful…and who will give you the love you deserve.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  42. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Liz,

    I’m sorry that you’re so upset about your fiance leaving…it’s heartbreaking to be blamed for a relationship not working out, especially when you loved your boyfriend so much.

    The first thing you need to do is accept that it’s over. Stop texting and calling him; if he changes his mind and decides he wants to talk to you, he knows where to find you! He knows that you love him and want to be with him.

    Give him the space and time to figure out what he wants. If you’re constantly contacting him, he won’t have a chance to miss you — and he may even get irritated and angry at you.

    So, my first bit of advice for getting over this breakup up is leaving him alone.

    Secondly, I encourage you to talk to a counselor. If you’re feeling depressed and like you can’t get out of bed, then you need help dealing with this breakup! Your friends can’t give you the support you need, and neither can the internet. You’re dealing with extreme feelings of anxiety, confusion, sadness, and despair — and it can be really difficult to get over those feelings alone! It might help you to talk to a counselor, and figure out how to get closure without talking to your ex-boyfriend — who can’t give you what you need.

    If you have a distress line or women’s help line in your area, you could call them. Maybe all you need is an hour or so of talking to someone who can give you some clarity and insight….

    Please reach out for support in person. Call a counselor or support line, and take control of your life! You CAN and WILL find the strength and courage to get over this heartbreak….it’ll just take time and effort.

    I wish you all the best….and I hope you remember that you will soon feel good enough to be happy and love again!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  43. Liza says:

    Hello,

    I need your help please. I am so confused and can hardly think right. I have a boyfriend (i’m his first and he is my first) for almost 8 yrs. now. But within that 8 yrs., i would say we have been physically together less than a month. We are both working but he is always busy, he always say he have much to do. Time had been an issue between us since then until now. I love him, he says he loves me tru text never personally and i can not feel it. I know in my mind he does not love me but why am i sticking to this relationship, hoping in my herat that he does love me. I am always the one who text, who call, who make ways to see him, i am losing my self respect, i hate myself for this but i can don’t know what am i supposed to do. Should i go and talk to him? what will i say? What if he says he loves me and i get lost again?I want somebody to frankly tell me that i am wrong. All my friends are not saying anything anymore, maybe they think there is nothing they can do about it anymore. One thing more he is a bisexual, i knew it from the start but still i love him. Please wake me up… 8 yrs is too much…

  44. Liz says:

    Hi,

    Its been a month now ever since my fiance left me without any closure. He didn’t even see me face to face but just left me and put all the blame on me for the relationship not working out. I had been begging and been miserable for the past 1 month and with many friends support, i still find myself can’t letting go of him. I called and text him everyday but he will just ignore me. I should be in the position to be mad at him for leaving me without even seeing me,but instead i still do silly stuffs to get him back. Lots of people telling me that i deserve someone better but i couldnt even move on with my life now. Im just lying in my bed everyday and now i’m being diagnosed with depression. I tried reading lots of articles online on how to move on but i still cant let it go. I keep dwelling in my past.
    Pls advice me how to move on before i go insane. I cant even let him go in the first place. How?

  45. Liz says:

    Hi,

    Its been a month now ever since my fiance left me without any closure. He didn’t even see me face to face but just left me and put all the blame on me for the relationship not working out. I had been begging and been miserable for the past 1 month and with many friends support, i still find myself can’t letting go of him. I called and text him everyday but he will just ignore me. I should be in the position to be mad at him for leaving me without even seeing me,but instead i still do silly stuffs to get him back. Lots of people telling me that i deserve someone better but i couldnt even move on with my life now. Im just lying in my bed everyday and now i’m being diagnosed with depression. I tried reading lots of articles online on how to move on but i still cant let it go. I keep dwelling in my past.
    Pls advice me how to move on before i go insane. I cant even let him go in the first place. How?

  46. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Rochelle,

    I’m sorry to hear about you and your ex…and that it’s taking so long to let him go. I’m especially sorry to hear about your miscarriages….that’s hard to take.

    Did you have a question about breaking up when you don’t have relationship closure? You mentioned asking for advice, but I don’t see a question. Are you wondering how to trust your feelings? I’d love to help if I can!

    Laurie

  47. Rochelle says:

    This is the first time I asked for advice on a site like this. My ex and I broke up 10 months ago, but we officially ended right before Christmas. I was with him over 2 years and in that time we had 3 miscarriages. The last miscarriage was before Christmas.

    Everything was going so well at the beginning. I mean we had some issues, but I thought our relationship was strong enough to get through those tough times. Until that day I found that email a woman hoped not to find. Along with other things. It crushed me. I am in my mid 30’s and I waited to have children with someone I love and with patience, he was presented to me. I truly thought he was the one. You just know…at least I thought I did. I feel like I can’t trust my feelings anymore.

  48. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Merle,

    I’m sorry to hear about your relationship — that’s sad, that he’s not willing to talk about where your marriage is going. But I have to say, it sounds like you’re better off without him! I know that getting over a breakup isn’t necessarily easier when the relationship was unhealthy — and when you don’t have relationship closure. But, it may help to remember that your marriage wasn’t lifting you or your kids up…and sometimes the worst thing that can happen to us (divorce, separation, lost love) can turn out to be the best.

    I’ve written several articles on letting go of someone you love, and won’t repeat all that information here. But, these links might help — and I encourage you to read the guest comments. They’ll help you see you’re not alone, and that you CAN heal and move on from this heartbreak.

    What to Do When He Doesn’t Love You Anymore

    How to Let Go of Someone You Love

    Each article has links to other similar articles. I hope this helps, and wish you the best of luck.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  49. Merle says:

    Question: I met and married a guy that I worked with, at the time I had three children from a previous relationship of 16 yrs, he had been married 3 times with numerous girlfriends/fiancee’s (found out afterwards). Anyway to cut a long story short, we have been married for 13+ years and know that my children (20,17 & 14) are older and able to stand up to him with his verbal abuse he has turned everything round and left blaming the children for him leaving telling everyone they verabally abuse and swear at him which is just not true. I however for some stupid reason still love him and miss him but no matter how much I try talk to him he doesnt return my emails or texts about where our relationship is going. He does talk to me every day though, I am just so confused and feeling as if I have lost a part of me (like someone has died). How do I move on and stop chasing him like a lost dog.

  50. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Renee,

    You need to find the strength to let go of this man, because he’s not interested in building a relationship with you. You know he’s not committed to you, you know he’s chasing other women, and you know he doesn’t make you feel good about yourself as a woman.

    How can you find the strength and courage to let go of him? You could try and figure out why you’re having such a hard time breaking up with him. It’s not just because you love him…there’s something else there. Maybe you’re scared nobody else will love you, or maybe you don’t think you deserve to be loved. I don’t know. You could think about getting counseling to help you figure out what’s holding you back.

    Another option is to read up on letting go of unhealthy relationships. Go to your local library and browse through the relationships section until you find the books that resonate with you.

    Call a counselor or women’s help line, and let me know how it goes…

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  51. renee says:

    Hello all, maybe you all can help me. I am having a hard time letting go of the father of my children. To kind of make a long story short, im 34, hes 32, we have two children together. we broke up many years ago and just recently went back to dating. when we broke up before, it wasnt by choice but he had to go away so we drifted apart. i was left to raise the kids alone and i struggled. he came home 5 years later and i was in another relationship with someone i was very compatible with. that relationship ended, he was not ready. i never had any intentions on being back with my kids father. i was still hurt over my ex leaving. my kids father was a rebound for me and he was doing everything right! We were dating and he was just so king and considerate to me but i was not ready to give him me again, he kept pressuring me, i then jumped into with him and i always told him that if we were to ever be back together, we would have to be commited and get married so hear i am, not even a year out of my other relationship and now im back with the father of my kids planning a wedding. all the while, my heart wouldnt rest, i knew with my kids father wasnt where i was to be yet, so i told him lets slow things down and get to know each other again, well things then went all wrong. i dont know if he was hurt or what but we were not ready to get married and we were just doing because we both felt we should. so i found out he was seeing others and then started to act differently towards me, not our kids but he didnt wanna spend time with me or anything. he changed because i told him no marraige but come to find out he wasnt ready either. anyway, this was a year ago. i then got over my ex and wanted me and my kids father to be together, i felt after he wheeled me back in, he had me but it was like he did that and then changed his mind. he wouldnt talk, just would not wanna talk, wouldnt return text messages, he was seeing someone 8 years younger then him and i was just hurt. we went thru it for a while, i started dating back in June 2009, all this happend prior to that, i got tired of chasing him and him running so i went to move on, i had a friend, nothing major, here comes my kids father, wanting to be back with me, i made the mistake of not asking him what his intentions were and was he ready to be commited, we kind of just fell back in with one another… we took short trips, he did tell me he felt like he was ready to settle so of course i took it and ran with it, we were doing the relationship thing for 6 months til this past September 2009, we had trust issues, he just started doing things like hanging out all day and night and he knew that wasnt exceptable. i just felt like whats going on, i thought u wanted to be here, why are you doing this… we had maybe 2 or three huge huge arguments and i found out he was still seeing that other person, we broke up, he seemd happy and just thought we could go back to just being parents of our children…. so i got past that and he did but i still havent let him go, we still do family day with our children, he still takes me on dates, he buys me birthday presents, Christmas presents, we are still having relations, he pays all my bills while im out of work. he does all this but we are not in a commited relationship. I want more and im settling. He told me he is not ready finally and that it has nothing to do with other females and i just found out he is pursuing another woman. i just dont know how to feel or what to do. he just took me to dinner last Thursday and then that night he was texting another woman asking to see her. I have so much going for myself and i just cant get past him chasing me all that time only to get me and paly games and now it seems im just convienient for him. im with him and the kids on every holiday, im with his family and they love me…. i just dont know what he wants but i need the strength and the closer to walk away but its hard…. PLEASE HELP ME

  52. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Carol,

    I’m glad you found the strength you needed to leave your boyfriend! Even if you don’t end up with your new friend, it’s great that you’re free to rebuild your life and reconnect with someone else in the future.

    Maybe he was your “transitional man” — the one you needed to pry you away from the guy who wasn’t right for you. Like you said, everything happens for a reason!

    I wish you all the best,
    Laurie

  53. Carol says:

    I have just gotten out of a 6 year relationship with someone I grew up with. We were at that stage where we were either going to get engaged or things were going to end. For a long time I was feeling restless but I stayed for comfort. During this time I allowed myself to get very close to one of our guy friends and I ended up falling in love with him. Falling in love with my friend gave me the strength I needed to leave my boyfriend. I told my friend how I felt but he was dating someone at the time and is now in a committed relationship with her. I have decided that its time to let go. This isn’t easy as I truly thought he was the one but I believe that everything happens for a reason.

  54. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Liz,

    Thanks for sharing about your break up — I’m so glad you were able to get some closure on your relationship! Sometimes that’s what we need to heal and move on.

    You’ve given people with broken hearts hope for the future….thank you!

    Laurie

  55. Liz C says:

    My fiance and I seperated 5months ago after 9yrs and 2 children later. He fell right into another relationship 2 weeks later which was a double edge sword. I know its a rebound relationship, but it just showed me why I left…is lack of emotional maturity…I left because I wasn’t growing in the realtionship. I told him that with his choice I couldn’t see or talk to him. It was tooooo painful to take. I was in a place i couldn’t seem to get out of. its been 5 and half months and I just spoke to him about everything that has been bottled up. I called him first and got angre (finally), then I wrote an email expressing more about my angre…which when the angre had been broken off..we spoke in a civil matter and touched alot of things from the past and present. I got off the phone having what I needed to move on, closure.
    I walk away still loving him, but I now redirect my focus on me. I know that I will still have my moments, but I do have more control of my emotions, then letting myself ride with them.
    When your in this space its hard to get out of, but when you finally hit bottom and scratch your way out…you look back being thankful.

  56. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Yes, I wrote a follow up to this article. Here’s the link:

    Letting Go of Someone You Love When You Don’t Have Closure

  57. Brown says:

    Interesting and informative. But will you write about this one more?

  58. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Thanks for adding your thoughts about relationhip closure, Gini! I really appreciate the energy/intuitive perspective, and agree that it’s important to look at letting go of someone you love from a deeper level.

    Sometimes, finding the benefits of the relationship ending can help lead to closure.

  59. Gini Grey says:

    Hi Laurie, Good article.

    Something I’d like to add about no-relationship-closure that might also be helpful is that sometimes the partner ending the relationship doesn’t quite know themselves why they are ending it – it’s more of a feeling or intuitive urge. Because I work from an energetic and spiritual prespective with clients, I’ve seen many times where a relationship that has ended, made no sense to the client I was working with. Even if their partner gave an explanation, they still feel they don’t understand. When they turn inward and look at it from a more energetic/spiritual/intuitve place they begin to see the ‘why’s’. They may not even be able to explain it intellectually but they get it on a deeper level and find peace as a result.

    I’d like to suggest to people who are interested in this perspective to take time in a meditative state and look at the relationship as though it is outside of themself (imagine two roses or symbols a few feet in front of you to represent each partner) and notice what messages come when you ask questions such as:
    – why were we together (purpose of relationship – to grow, learn, love, heal a pattern etc.)?
    – why has it ended (look from both perspectives as sometimes a partner leaves because the other has outgrown them spiritually)?
    – what is the benefit of the relationship ending (there is usually a benefit to anything ending even though it feels painful going through the grieving at first)?
    – what is my next best step (you might get an image of something, a sensation or just a knowing what to do next).

    The important thing is to stay out of the intellect trying to analyze things as that only blocks the higher truth from coming through. Looking at it from a centered, grounded place can be very illuminating.

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