Oct 162009
getting over a breakup

Can your spirituality help you get over a relationship break up?

Getting over a breakup is hard no matter what – but it’s even more difficult when you don’t have closure. These tips are inspired by a reader who doesn’t want to accept that her relationship is over.

Before my tips, here’s one of my favorite quips: “It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye.” ~ Anonymous.

The most important thing to remember about getting over a break up is that it’s never “over.” Most people lose a piece of their heart when they lose someone they love. But, life after loss can still be meaningful, happy, and exciting – and there is love and laughter after breaking up!

If you’re still stuck in the past, read Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You.

And here are a few suggestions on getting over a break up when you have no relationship closure…

What is Relationship Closure?

Relationship closure is when you – whether you’re a married partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, disgruntled colleague, or unhappy family member – don’t discuss why your love relationship ended. Relationship closure involves honest, healthy, open-minded, nonjudgmental communication. In my article about letting go of someone you love, a reader said she doesn’t feel she has closure. Her fiancé of nine years wasn’t honest about why their relationship ended.

Closure can teach you why your relationship didn’t work out, which helps with letting go of an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or spouse. Closure can help you learn from the mistakes you made. It helps you heal by setting your mind at ease about how your love relationship unfolded. Even if you made mistakes and were part of the reason your relationship failed, closure can make you stronger by preparing you for future love relationships. Denying an ex closure when you’re breaking up is worse than unhealthy: it’s damaging and destructive. Healing comes faster and easier when you’ve had a chance to say goodbye.

Relationship Closure is Difficult Because…

When you’re the one who wants to let go, you may find it easier to avoid talking about it! It’s natural for people to want to avoid pain. Relationship closure is difficult because it’s painful to talk about weaknesses and faults. Closure can involve more pain than just letting someone go without explanation…which is, I think, what my reader’s fiancé was doing when he ended the relationship. He was trying to avoid causing her — and himself — more pain. It’s unfortunate that we’re not taught how to break up with people we love!

Tips for Getting Over a Break Up Without Relationship Closure

This idea of surviving a break up is more fully developed in Letting Go of Someone When You Don’t Have Closure. Here are just a few brief suggestions about letting go. To let go of an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or spouse without closure:

  • Write a letter to your ex, expressing yourself fully. Don’t send the letter right away (if ever). The letter can be as long as you need; you can add to it for days or weeks.
  • Change your environment. If your ex moved out of the house, you might consider finding a new place to live. You might even consider moving to a different state or province.
  • Explore a different lifestyle. My reader mentioned that she worked hard on her career; after the breakup, she might carve out more free time to explore her hobbies, travel, or take classes.
  • Make new friends. You don’t need to abandon your old friends to find relationship closure. However, you may find it refreshing to build new friendships with people who don’t know you from your relationship days.
  • Get counseling. I’m a huge fan of counseling because therapists help you see yourself and your love relationships objectively. A counselor can help you see why you’re having trouble letting go of an ex, and help you learn to find closure on your own. My reader mentioned that she was pregnant but lost the baby; this can seriously complicate the whole process of letting go without relationship closure.
  • Recognize that you are responsible for your feelings. Nobody can “make you feel anything.” When you feel any emotion, you can choose whether to let that feeling sweep you away or derail it and put a more positive emotion in place. Those feelings of worthlessness or being unlovable are emotions you have control over – you do not have to feel that way.

One way to heal after a breakup without closure is to focus on the benefits of being single!

For more tips on healing without saying goodbye, read Getting Over the Pain of an Unexpected Divorce – A Few Tips.

If you have any thoughts on how to get over a break up when you don’t have closure, please comment below…


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Stop the Divorce and Save Your Marriage

How to Captivate a Man and Make Him Fall in Love

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  59 Responses to “How to Get Over a Break Up When You Don’t Have Closure”

  1. Dear Shania,

    Sometimes you have to create your own closure after a break up. This can involve writing a good-bye letter, or ceremoniously burning a photo or something he wrote to you. Closure doesn’t have to be “done” with the person you broke up with – it can be completed on your own.

    I wonder if your boyfriend experienced closure by leaving the country? Maybe he has closure, but you don’t.

  2. I was deliriously happy with this man, who treated me like a queen for the time we were together, We were going to be married but he had to leave the country, though I tried hard to make it work It didnt he kept ignoring me. The final straw was me finding out that he cheated on me and was dating someone else there….. I dumped him with a very short call less than 2minutes and absolutely no histrionics. I am proud very proud that I could let go. But yes there was no proper closure to either of us.

  3. I was in an abusive relationship. My fiance and I moved in together after he proposed to me. In the 6 months of living together, he was verbally, emotionally and physically agressive with me. I saw early signs but I didn’t take it seriously until he hit me for the first time. I couldn’t believe it. Even he seemed surprised by his action and we both went to therapy.

    He seemed to ok for a few months and then we had another fight, followed by him yelling, swearing and he did the inevitable. He kicked me. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let him do this to me ever again.

    He got arrested that night and I haven’t seen him since. It’s been 2 months. Talk about not having closure. Every morning I wake up and tell myself that I did the right thing. I think about him often. For some reason, I seem to remember all the good times. My mind must have already gotten used to suppressing the bad stuff.

    It’s like I’m living a dream. One minute he’s there, gone the next. I will probably never see him again so I have to accept that it’s over and that know that I dodged a bullet. In retrospect, he did not treat me well at all. He called me mean things and broke me down as a human being. Towards the end, I was apologizing for things he’s done wrong…how sad is that?

    My point is, you can’t always get closure. Sometimes, knowing how they deceived and hurt you beyond words, is closure in itself.

  4. My ex girlfriend and i dated for 5 years and had a very serious relationship. So serious to the extent that i have never felt anything stronger in the last 4 years after we have broken up. Nobody dumped the other, we both just decided over the last year or soo that we wanted to travel down two completely different life paths, neither of which path would be possible of supporting the other, let alone both. We felt that if we continued on our paths, that we would eventually both just feel nothing but resentment for each other for standing in the way of each other’s dreams.

    Now i have been in a relationship for several years with somebody else who i love to death, but it is a different feeling. I almost feel like a very large part of me hasn’t completely died with my last relationship, it still exists. but i feel that it can only be brough back to life by my ex. There was never complete closure, because every time we communicated, all progress of trying to get over each other was ruined and we went back to square one. So we kind of cut contact and left it at that. I know we both have a part of us dying inside, smoldering being occasionally reminded in small ways to still think about the other, but also both WANT to move on, just can’t ever seem to get all the way there. We both worry that the other one will be ok.

    I Don’t know if either of us will ever be over it. IF that doesn’t suck, I don’t know what does.

  5. Look, people break up and it hurts but if its ment to be then its ment to be, but if its over you cant spend your life dwelling on the past, just let it go and move on to bigger and better things. Life is short so dont spend it dwelling over someone who never really wanted you to start with. LET GO and move on because some place out there is someone waiting to find you or for yourself to find them. True love is forever, it works its self out and its constant, Dont settle for less.

  6. Any plans to update this? I saw that there was an update a few years ago, are you still writing about breakups?

  7. The breakup for me was my idea and was more about me than it was about him…I was forced to ask myself why I let his incredible good looks rule me for months when I could clearly see he was not acting in a way that was acceptable to me…Did I think I couldn;t find another Brad Pitt clone? Was I that lonley? I knew that I was allowing him to name call and would never take that in the past…He was 16 years younger..Why did I go there? I will say that I painted my condo, worked on my own life goals and still engaged in conversations with the opposite sex albeit light banter and no serious attempt to date…It still hurts but less and less as time goes by.

  8. I know I was not perfect during out relationship, I know I made mistakes as we all do. Yes in hindsight I could have handled some issues smarter. What I do not do however is think anything I couldve done differently at the time wouldve made any difference in the outcome. Because we have a child together you constantly get an up close and personal review of the other person which can give you a sharp reminder of why you are not together anymore. My Ex has not changed at all for the better in the last few years…he still lies about things and in fact lied to me on the phone tonight, he is still self centered and only worried about himself and what he needs, he is still moody and morbid, he still gives me the feeling of walking on eggshells around him, he still plays silly head games or power games etc etc etc…I could go on but the point Im making is if half the people on here had ongoing contact forced on you after a breakup you wouldnt be sitting around just remembering all the good stuff and pining for the ex….

  9. I got dumped 6 months ago. We were together 18 months. She was / is the love of my life. Why did she dump me? Simple, I loved her *too* much. I smothered her. I wasn’t being clingy – she had enough space, as did I. But I told her too much about how I loved her and it put her under all sorts of pressure and broke the cardinal rule: it made it look like she was my whole life, not just a part of it. Am I over it? No. Do I accept that it was my fault? Yes. Here’s the most important thing of all: if you got dumped it is your (in the majority at least)fault. Don’t shy away from that fact. Because it’s only once you accept it is your fault that you can possibly affect the changes to yourself that mean it will never happen again. Simple. This isn’t about acting the victim, it’s about admitting that you messed up and making sure you never mess up in the same way again.

    Will I ever *fully* get over my ex? No, I don’t think I will. She left a massive emotional mark on me. But it’s over. Done and dusted and I look forward to the time when I can possibly love someone else the way I loved her. Until then: be patient.

  10. I dont think I will ever really get over it. After a year it still occupies my thoughts that he is with someone else and how it hurts.
    All the things I wish I had done differently. All the good times and how I am missing them. Keep going over every little thing. Being reminded of more things all the time. It just feels like yesterday. Thinking what a fool I was one minute and the next minute hating him for hurting me. I was depressed and let myself go and he picked someone the opposite and that hurts. Said that she benefitted from all I taught him so I wish I had not taught him. How we started off on the wrong foot and he would have told her what was wrong with me so she had the edge and could put all those things right and be what he preferred whereas he did not tell me what he did not like so I could put it right. Did not tell me that he did not like people looking how I did. And yet the signs were there all along and I ignored them at the time. I was a fool. I had to learn the hard way. I should have taken note of what was said about me. I should have been prepared to compromise instead of beig confrontational. I should not have been annoying and rubbed things in. I should have been polite and known better how to be nice. I should have listened more and just kept in my strong opinions. I should have and so it goes on at the moment.
    But why should I have on the other hand? I am not a doormat after all.

  11. I need help. My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago, but I’m really confused about what is really going on. Here’s some background info. The first two years we lived in the same area, but then he went to study at West Point this last year. During the spring break he came back with some friends from the academy and if was perfect at first, but then we argued when he got impatient with me when I was trying to make plans. He ignored me after that and told me he didn’t want me to say goodbye at the airport. He ignored me for about a week until he broke up with me. He said he didn’t wanna deal with me anymore, that he needs to make decisions (needs to know if he’s gonna study there for 4 years or go someplace else) and he can’t consider me in that decision, he doesn’t have time to satisfy my needs, he says I complain too much. After the breakup, we talked and he told me he wasn’t sure of what he was doing and that he still loved me. He is being irrationally stubborn about breaking up with me and not really trying to fix this. Then I decided to get into his facebook and I saw that he was flirting with one of the girls he brought over during spring break and he was trying to go out on a date with her and not even 3 weeks passed since the break up. I don’t know if it happened, however and how much they’ve been talking. He’s even calling her babe and stuff like that. But I know that it’s very recent. After I saw this, I asked him if I could clear up a few things with him and he said ok. I asked if he loved me and he said yes. I asked if he had zero interest in being with me and he said that there is still a chance. Then I asked if he even missed me and he said “a lot”. Then I asked if there was someone else, if somebody has caught his eye and he said no. Then if I was the only one on his mind and he said yes. So he lied to me. Then we continued talking and I told him that I’m willing and wanting to be with him but he said he is tired of it, the whole idea of a relationship. I asked him to elaborate but then he says “I love you babe, but I don’t think I wanna confide everything with you” and that he doesn’t wanna tell me things but that that’s exactly what I want. After that, we haven’t spoken in about 5 days.

    I just want advice from people who are impartial. I’m really destroyed right now. Sorry if the answer is right in my face, but I can’t think straight anymore.

  12. I’m sorry you find yourselves here. If you have been married a long time and your spouse has suddenly changed and put the focus on themselves it may be a mid life crisis. I was married for 18 years when my wife went into her mid life crisis. She is still in it. I believe it all started with her grandfather and grandmother (mother of her other parent) passing away. Mid life transitions are normal, when deaths or other tragedies happen it can send someone into crisis. Did you know women can go into mid life crisis in their early 30’s? So no, it is not only reserved or experienced by those 40 or older. My wife reconnected with a high school friend on Facebook who is the sister of her high school ex-boyfriend. After a few months of that she decided I guess to get back in touch with the ex too. She was distant but still acted herself for the most part. She asked me after we got home from a trip to her home state if I thought she should reconnect with him too. I had no idea what could happen with that and said “Yes I think he is a good guy and would probably friend you.” She broke up with him to go out with me over 20 years ago…. He did friend her and what started out as just another contact in a list of friends quickly turned into unbridled desire to email, reminisce, chat, etc. After a month or so it turned into texting too and of course at this point was what is termed as an emotional affair. After trying to contact him and he didn’t respond I contacted his wife and she made him break the connection because my wife said she would never break contact with him herself… Well, here I still am married almost 20 years now with 3 kids; 16, 13, and 6. My wife sees nothing wrong in what she did and has told her family she would do it all over again (meaning reconnecting with the ex). I should add when she reconnected with the ex’s sister she was going through a divorce herself. I don’t know to what extent she supported the reconnection with her brother and hope she wasn’t involved at all. I hope and pray everyday my wife will want to fix the damage that has been done in our relationship. I would never say our marriage was perfect and I did contribute to problems in our marriage like every spouse does, no one is perfect. I would also say none of the things I’ve done are divorceable offenses. If you have been married a long time and run into a spouse that has changed you may be dealing with mid life crisis. The dreaded words you will hear from a spouse in a mid life crisis are “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”

  13. I was married 18 years and had 3 kids. My husband never cared what i wanted to do and alway put my family down and discouraged the kids from going with me to visit them. He was controlling and manipulative and i had many fantasies over the years of being on my own and away from him and meeting someone who truly cared about me. He found a friend at work and completely ingnored me for a year and a half and i thought we could be roomates but i got sick of all the lies and his new obsession, which is what he does.. he has a borderline narcist personality and when he is done with friends, he is done. He truly needs help but sees everyone else as the problam. If you bring this up he gets defensive and says i’m stupid. So why am I sad. I have wanted this for awhile but i am truly hurt and angry. I should be jumping with joy but he still has a hold over the kids and has them feeling sorry for him. They don’t want to here his drama so the ask me to not provoke him, So damn frustraiting.

  14. I was with my boyfriend on and off for 9 years. We had our own places but i wanted more he knew i did like to live with each other. I was always doing things for him cooking,cleaning etc.I would always go over to his place but he never came to mine. He hardly ever took me anywere. I decided to cut off contact with him and look for someone else. He heard through friends i met someone else and when he found out he was willing to change so he says. I never really seen many changes just a ring but by then i knda gave up it was too late. I dont want him back. he was much older than me by like 20 years. Even when we were together he would be little me just by the way he talked to me. Now he has went around lieing about me.

  15. Can anybody help I got dumped by my ex almost a year ago, people say after year it’ll be over but I don’t think it’s working… Tips?

  16. Hello i just need help after 19 years of not seeing an x and first love which i lost 2 pregancies hewas a drunk at that time in his life, had walk away without saying good bye one morning 19 years ago many times he tried looking for me but people,family keept us apart over the years found him on facebook 3 months ago now we talk everyday but nowhe is married with 2 children is it wrong to makemyself believe for false hope,he says he loves me i thought i got ober this along time ago but it still hurts th a t i cant be with him now that he is all well and sober.its everyday like a sickness that wont go away we just cant getenough of each other each day that we talk. Help need advice or imput of how to deal with this and ya he says he loves me but he wont leave his children.should i just cut off the conection?

  17. Read about you never really get over a break up as a bit of your heart breaks off well in that case does that mean there isn’t any heart left if it all got knocked off?

    Wonder if that was my trouble in taking so long to heal and too long to love again that when I did it was too late and he had moved on and given up.

    Only to start all over again with the whole sad sorry process.

  18. Breaking up – someone said takes l month for every year. So if it is now 82 days since nc divide that by 7 = nearly three months next week that is three quarters of the way over. And that will nearly be a year in two months since I got dumped but there was contact and that put it all back again. Still think of it now but nc is better. I don’t want to know what he is doing. Avoid him like plague. But hard when go somewhere you went tog. which can’t avoid as went everywhere. Can’t move.

  19. Someone asked why no one answers these cries for help just writes their storey.

    The reason is because we are all wanting help and don’t know the answers if we did we would not be reading these entries in the first place.

    Who would be reading them otherwise to help? I can’t think of anyone who would know who would say anything worth knowing.

    It is only someone’s opinion after all. My opinion over all these hurting people is to pray to God, distract in some way, pamper yourself in some way, write it down, write poems, cheer yourself up like force yourself to dance, sing, walk, chat with friends, make yourself look better, swim, relax, buy new clothes but all this in my case only papers over the cracks and I still have a hole. Yes in time it is not so bad but you live with it.

  20. I dated this guy for 11 months. He was my first serious boyfriend, we loved each other, and I opened up to him completely. I never felt like it wasnt right from the start but I told myself I was maybe being too unfair to him. The problem was he was a child mentally, not a man. I was such a good person, I nurtured him, hepled him grow (or at least tried to). I could tell it wasn’t working 8 months in and tried to end it but he showed up at my university crying, wouldn’t stop texting me or promising to change, and of course I missed him so I took him back. A couple days ago he frustrated me for the last time with his inability to know how to be conisderate, and I told him i didn;t know how much more I could take. I said I didn’t think I oculd do this anymore but could we please say goodbye face to face. That night he had been promising that we would be okay so what happened was totally unexpected. He texted me that he needed to think for hinself and we should go our separate ways and he wouldn’t answer my call. He’s told my friend he doesn’t want to talk to me because then we’ll never be over. I want to be over I just need a goodbye. He knows I’m hurting but clearly took the easier way out for himself. I just can’t believe after everything we went through and everything I did for him he can’t be decent to give us both closure. Why couldn’t we end it like civilized people so all I would have to do right now is miss him a bit, not feel like my heart and been broken. I know a lot of me is upset that he doesn’t miss me anymore and is moing on so easily. Should i hope for a phone call one day? I know I cant call him or text anymore because he hasn’t answered and its making me look pathetic. I just want to know if he can really forget me for good, and never contact me again. What should I do? I can’t eat or sleep and he seems fine. On top of missing him I’m in shock and I feel hepless. Ican’t even focus on school which is so important. And when I called his cell and he picked up, when he heard my voice he pretended to be “Jamal” and hung up.

  21. Comment for Jay Merlit: right on … So in agreement with all you said. We are responsible for our own happiness. When making someone else responsible, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness. You’ll spend all your time trying to change the other person or end up leaving an otherwise perfectly good relationship.

  22. This reply is for Anna:
    Anna I just went through a similar experience. I men a guy online 9 months ago. We developed an amazing bond through chatting. We decided to meet up in Sept 2011 in Spain. It was absolutely magical. We feel in love. He decided that he needs to be with me and arranged for a work visa in USA. He is from Italy. He came to USA on jan 7th 2012 and upon arrival was a totally different person. He was cold and emotionally withdrawn. After of one week living with me he said he felt emotionally pressured, needed his space and didn’t think our relationship was working because his family in Italy needs him and he cannot do long distance relationship. So he moved out very fast. After moving out he called to apologize saying he doesn’t know what got to him that morning that he wanted to meet with me to explain his situation. He did say he wants to stay friends but also said he wants to meet to “fix things up”. He said he loves me in a difficult way. I think he is very confused and i became extremely confused myself. I decided to not meet him and let it go. It is very painful though because I feel in love with him. Anna or any one else , do you have any answers or comments. Did I do the right thing to not meet up ? I am avoiding more hurt.

  23. I have to add something here. I was the partner left behind without closure. We were together 9 years and engaged for 2. We survived a bout of infidelity (her not me) before we got engaged. She left me mentally almost a year before she actually left. When she did she left me with a note.

    Reason I have to add something is that the post by Gini Grey almost called out to me. I’ve moved on entirely now, but the first year plus afterwards I was completely destroyed by this woman, my soul was shattered into pieces.

    During that time, I read a lot about relationships and the differences between men and women, trying to understand. I learned something: women were more likely to attribute their level of happiness to their partners. Women who became bored in their lives would often blame their partner and the relationship itself, regardless of marital status with their partner. This often manifests itself in what Gini talks about: “the partner ending the relationship doesn’t quite know themselves why they are ending it – it’s more of a feeling or intuitive urge”.

    Men, on the other hand are much more simple. They own their own state of happiness or lack thereof. So in a calm relationship without a lot of fighting, if they are leaving they usually know entirely why – to meet a new girl, because they have already met a new girl, or because they do not like the relationship dynamic. Men hate seeing a woman cry, which is why they would leave the relationship without closure.

    However it is the feminine side that I would like to address more here, because as Gini states it is hopelessly vague. It is this feeling of malaise. There is no way to “fix” it that they can see, quite often because there is really no “problem” at all. A quick skim of the book “Eat, Love, Pray” reveals just how destructive this phenomenon can be. The book doesnt mention the poor husband, left at home to raise the children by himself. What it does do is chronicle the ridiculous litany of attempts to try to find out what was missing and cure the malaise, ranging from eating fine food in Italy sleeping with older men to experimenting with strange religions. None of these things fill the empty void and there is no mention of the guilt that would ensue when the money ran dry.

    To all readers: If any woman you know, or you yourself is feeling this general malaise and is contemplating leaving what appears to be a healthy relationship – dont buy into it! Shake them out of it! This is a byproduct of postfeminism. Women are taught that they can have the best job and make a difference in the world and that motherhood and marriage are curses and vehicles for victimization, that they can not only have it all but be it all, they can have the successful A-type personality husband but that he should be caring and sensitive and want to talk about feelings.

    The mixed messages of feminism render women totally confused at some point or another in their relationship. This is the cause of the general malaise that causes this type of breakup.

    The fact is, life is boring sometimes. Sometimes boring is a good thing in relationships, it means that there is no soap opera drama to work out, no fights, no infidelity, things are going just fine, nobody is crying and nobody is yelling.

    Generation after generation of women knew this and the divorce rate and marriages and long term relationships clunked along just fine. Feminism came along and confused women with these mixed messages, teaching them that life was supposed to be entirely this exciting, fulfilling, dream world when this isnt the case.

    While I know I am going to come across as a person who thinks very little of feminism, in no way am I a chauvinist. I am happy that women have equal rights and happy they can work and get educated and happy for those women who choose not to get married or have children. What I disdain about feminism is how it looks down upon women who want to be wives, looks down upon women who want to have children. How it confuses women into thinking that they all need to be these globe trotting, jet setting, promiscuous, difference making people and all this messaging makes even he most exciting of spousal relations seem all just so boring.

    In the scenario that Gini outlines, these women will paw around and grab ahold of reasons that are entirely ficticous. An argument where the man yelled then becomes an abusive relationship. If the man likes his beer he is then an alcoholic who needs help. If the man is interested in different things then they are growing apart and maybe the two should move on.

    However its all bunk. In the courtship phase of any relationship, the couple is brought together by a common interest or place such as a school or workplace. Then the couple becomes inseparable in the honeymoon phase . Then they start to reclaim their own identities, hanging around with their own friends, doing some things on their own. Slowly each part of the couple starts to explore new hobbies and things of interest.

    Eventually, you have the man interested in man stuff, whether it’s tinkering with a car, working with tools, hunting, sports, whatever. You also have the woman interested in woman stuff, whether it’s shopping, clothes, fashion, helping the poor, community service, whatever as well. In no way does the man stuff or woman stuff have to fall into an established gender stereotype.

    But to expect that a husband is going to enjoy spending all day at the mall shopping for a dress, or that the wife is going to enjoy watching sports and drinking beer all day is very much an abolition of the very facts that brought the couple together in the first place. The woman fell in love with the man because he was attractive as a man. The man fell in love with the woman because she was attractive as a woman.

    How many women go ga-ga over a guy who is feminine, focuses on feelings, and who has a great eye for what shoes go with what outfit? Practically none. What man goes ga-ga over a woman who can bench press 240 pounds? Not many.

    Where the whole general malaise occurs in women somewhere in he relationship is when the woman believes that the man SHOULD be interested in helping her pick the right pair of shoes for that outfit. Or that the man SHOULD be interested in hearing all of the gossip amongst the ladies at work. Or that the man SHOULD want to do whatever she wants to do at that particular time, or he SHOULD like this or that.

    What happens is that the woman is bored, because she is turning into a boring person. She fingers the relationship, ends it, and finds another man who is into a bunch of different things than the previous guy and eventually she’ll get bored of that stuff too and end up right back where she started.

    I have seen this pattern not only in my own ex, but in the exes of many people I know who suffered the “breakup for no reason” at the hands of their long term girlfriend, wife, partner, etc. These women skate from guy to guy looking for excitement and passion. Really they need to find this within themselves.

    So stop a guy whos doing everything good for your girlfriends from having his heart broken for no good reason. Stop your girlfriend who is giving the “im not happy” babble without good constructive reason from going off to skate from guy to guy until she figures out that her happiness is her own to choose.

    When you have a girlfriend saying “I’m not happy, I dont know why, I just dont feel this relationship is working for me” give her a good ol girl to girl slap across the face… and tell her she needs to find her own interesting hobby that will drive her passion. Tell her she isnt the centre of he universe because she’s not the centre of the universe.

    And for the love of God, dont feed it by giving her ideas as to why a perfectly good relationship might not be working out to seize upon. Just ask quite bluntly to give you some real concrete examples of why she thinks its the relationship’s fault. If she cant come up with anything other than “we dont do anything together anymore” then tell her to maybe start making plans to do something with her man.

    Sorry for the rant but I’m tired of seeing perfectly good relationships dissolve for no reason other than that women thought that once they got married everything would be pie in the sky and when reality hits they break someones heart for no good reason at all. They need to learn this lesson BEFORE they get into a serious relationship. Men don’t dig “starter marriages”.

  24. I understand it helps to write things down and share everything, but why is no one answering or helping all these stories. Some people are desperately crying out for help and no one is responding??? Is there someone who can reply to as many posts as possible to help. I myself need guidance and help and am almost at my wits end but what is the point of writing if no one is listening or offering help. I did a post quite a while ago but apart another person who posted who was kind enough to say she could understand how I felt and I appreciated that immensely, no one is giving advice to help:(( I thought that was what this was all about?:9

  25. Hi, so me and by boyfriend well I guess you will call him ex boyfriend now have been together for a yr and a half. We knew eachtother for four years but since the beginning he has had a habit of dissapearing. Over the past month and a half I have been ignored by him over break. I have called him text him tried everything and all he can say to me is we need to talk when we are back at college. Before break we got into a fight that was admidedly my fault. All he says is that I will never change and he needs time to think. I have told him to just break up with me and save me this torture of waiting and we can be done.He will not. He then gets angry and ignores me more or says at college we will talk. In all rightness I should be angry he didnt spend the holidays with me and drove back alone to college leaving me stranded. The strangest part is that he drove me home before break and we seemed ok?…I just cant wrap my mind around this, and the worst part is now a new guy is trying to enter my life telling me I deserve more and better but I can not let go of the love I have for my ex. Help please ….

  26. I have a somewhat unique situation. I met a man online a few years ago. We spoke often and talked of visiting one another all of the time. I finally decided one day to end the anticipation and got on a plane and flew around the world to see him. He was the same man I knew online except for one crucial difference. He was cold. He was standoffish and quiet and made me feel as if I had to walk on eggshells around him. After the hours of late night chats and phone calls and years of divulging all of my deep secrets and dreams to him, I was in love. it was hard to watch what i had felt so deeply for so long turn to smoke when it stopped being hypothetical. Now he refuses to respond to my emails or if he does it is always a cryptic, riddle-filled message that I cannot decipher. I want to let go. I want to not care anymore but I am having great difficulty doing so. How do I stop wanting that closure? How do I move on and pretend it never happened? I am so ready to heal and forget. I need help.

  27. I just bumped into my childhood sweetheart the other morning. We hadn’t seen each other for 31 years, other than one other time that we just totally ignored each other and pretended we never saw the other one there.

    This last time, he was coming out of an isle and almost hit me. He stopped, and couldn’t look at me, but brushed his hair with his hand up over the top of his head, and wasn’t looking at me. I looked up and saw that it was him. When I did, I looked in his eyes, and froze, literally, realizing it was him. I couldn’t move, or speak, then I came-to, shook my head some, and continued on like nothing had happened, and said excuse us, as I was walking away, still in shock. I could barely walk, I felt drunk and didn’t know if I could still stand, then I picked up speed after putting my hand on my head, brushing my hair up over. I went out of sight, caught my breath, for a minute and acted like nothing happened. But cashed out and went home.

    In high school, I foolishly allowed a guy to hold my hand after telling him that I was kind of seeing someone. We got together that night because he wanted to talk to me. He took my hand. I told him, “no” He kept on. During that time, my boyfriend’s really good friend, that was a girl saw, and went back and told him the following day at school. Once she told him, I heard loud bangs. (slamming his books on the desk) I felt so bad. I really cared about him, and never wanted to hurt him. And I never wanted it to be over between the two of us. His friends that were girls, convinced me to stay away from him. They both told me that they would go out with him in a heart beat, but he didn’t like at him that way. I knew I was so wrong. To this day, I feel bad and still have very strong feelings for him, which will never become anything, more. I quit school in my senior year.It was too painful.

    I didn’t see the guy that took my hand that night for a year or two. Three months after We dated, he asked me to marry him. I didn’t understand love, but knew he would always be there for me. We knew each other since we were 9 years old. He wouldn’t date anyone else. We’ve been married now, for 32 years. He’s been wonderful. There’s still these feeling of awkwardness, guilt and a warm place in my heart that will always be there for this other guy that I never had closure with, because we never really talked about that time.

    Somehow, we need to get past this. He’s as awkward as I am about this.He lives the next little town over. The grocery store is in his town.

  28. I’m a 16 year old boy in 10th Standard! Meta girl one year junior than me in 9th standard! so just I felt for her. and Became Friends. then changed into boyfriends and girlfriends. but after 4 months we broke up. but she was a flirt and had affairs with other guys, too! but i rally love her and want her in any case. so i sent one of my friends to her for her cellular number. but she asked for a solid reason which i don’t really have will you please help me out!

  29. Hey. I’m an 18 year old guy, and I feel that I can be much better that I’ve been wasting my time so far.. I wanna be the over achiever that I want, overly social were my phone won’t stop receiving texts from friends. I want friends :( any help?